#67 - Dan St. Germain
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Welcome everyone, it's Davi Broke. We have a great episode for you with the very funny Dan St. Germain. But, before we start, we wanted to thank our presenting sponsors here. We use Shopify, we love Shopify. We use it for our merch store, our online merch. And if you have a business you're trying to get off the ground, we think you should use Shopify too. So, we're going to start with you.

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Welcome everybody to Stobby's World, 904-800-STOB, call in, we'll solve your problems. We got Dan St. Germain on the couch, all the way from a different part of Queens to Astoria. We won't dox him, we won't dox him. I don't know, I waved at an invisible studio audience.

No, they're there, dude. They're in the back. You're going through all these signs of dementia. Yeah, people don't understand this. Eldest has, there's 800 people behind Eldest. That's why the energy of the show is so good. We got Dan in here. He's got a new special out right now. Dan's Fatty Dance.

Go watch it on the tube. On the tube, man. On the tube, on YouTube right now. Click. Watch a couple more minutes so the view counts. Watch for three more minutes and then go to Dan's special. Watch the whole thing. Come back. Then we get two views out of the whole. Keep going back and forth so me and Dan get multiple views. If you want to put mine on silent while you're watching pornography, I'm fine.

That's tough, though, to get even a glimpse of you while they're beating off. Depends on what you're into. I don't know why I defended myself on that. Certainly. There is definitely a demographic. I think if me and you, if life went different, me and you could make a lot of money on a different part of OnlyFans. Oh, yeah. Just sucking tennis balls out of each other's ass. You must have gotten a lot of...

I just feel like you're a specific type for, because the beard, the hair, you know, I assume you're a hirsute man. Well, before I was married, there was a guy that every four months would just like message me like, hey man, you want me to suck you off? No, I'm good. Oh, but once you got married, he stopped? Yeah, he was Catholic. That's awesome. Some gay guy in your DMs like, well, he's taken now. He's taken now.

Every four months, same guy? Same guy, yeah. No, okay, interesting. Yeah, I'm trying to think. You've probably gotten hit on by some bears. Oh, the bear appreciators. Although I will say, one hurt my feelings recently. Yeah.

Where there was a guy who would harass, like just talked about wanting to, you know. And I hadn't really heard from him for years. And, you know, I don't really pay attention. I don't check my DMs the way I used to. I'm trying to get away from my phone, all this shit. So in my head, I'm like, well, you know. And I kind of forgot about the guy, to be honest with you. Yeah, yeah. And then I posted, I think, the newest...

some naked picture back in the days where I was posting basically just nude like I actually had people not even know I was a comedian I think there were people like in 2014 2013 who thought I was truly just a nude gay model like a soft core nude gay model and

Back in those days, I heard from just some fat... And he's fat as shit, too, by the way. Some fat guy from Texas wouldn't fuck him. Not because he's fat. Just wasn't my type. Not a cute enough guy either, okay? Right, right, right. Let me put that... Let me just say right now, not hot enough, even if I was homosex, for me to fuck him, right? Right, right. No Matt Rife, this guy. No, no, no. That's not my type either, to be honest with you. I don't know. Who would I fuck if I... All right, let's...

Anyway, let me finish this story. Then we can talk about our gay fantasies. Our thinly veiled way to just talk about the stuff we actually want under the guise of comedy. Yeah, yeah. As calm as it blows down our pant leg. We're so hard. You just see a fucking...

I'm just describing a man's ass and my dick gets hard. Anyway, I post the newest whatever. Some naked picture from the calendar. And a guy, I forgot about this guy, and he just comments publicly. Not even a DM. He's like, I miss before this fatty era. And he's this gay guy who wanted to fuck me because I was a fat. I'm too fat. I fatted out of being fetishized by guys who want to fuck fat guys.

I have to go. I thought it was like heavyweight. Once you cross over, I'll just have the air conditioner running. It's got too hot. Yeah, there's three. The room is like, the room is getting turned on. Three fat closeted bears are talking about fucking other bears. Oh, man, this whole room could make some money on that sector. Who am I talking about, dude? Just fucking, just all of us wind up like a snake eating its own tail.

God, that's so disgusting. And I guess to answer the question, yeah, so anyway, that guy pissed me off because he's also very fat and not hot, okay? Now, he is a very groomed gay man. He's got like the, you know how Puerto Ricans have their lines very, that's the thing that kind of crosses over between straight Puerto Ricans and gay, I guess. Puerto Ricans do their beards like a sixth grader thinks a beard should look like. Yeah.

You know, like, I gotta have a Nike swoosh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. Yeah, yeah. They have a little... But this guy had kind of, like, such a very gay... Like, the lines were... They borrowed from the Puerto Rican style, but it's kind of like you've seen that... Like, who's that guy who's friends with Young Miami? That gay guy? Anyway, there's some gay... There's some black gay guy. Tony Kushner? No. There's some fat gay black guy who has facial hair, but is very femme. Anyway, whatever. Whatever.

Fuck that guy for saying I'm too fat for him to fuck. You never could have sucked my cock, pal. Okay? Oh, shit. You never, even when I wasn't this fat. Throwing it down. And I mean that. And I suppose if I had to get sucked off by a guy, he would have to remind me of a woman. Now that I'm all worked up and thinking about it, you would have to be a slight man. Yeah, it's got to have like... Hairless, a little blush. Yeah, just soft lips. Soft lips. That's the grossest description. Yeah.

Just quivering, soft lips. A supple mouth. A supple mouth. A mouth hungry. A delicate mouth. With a thirst for my sweat. A dry tongue that can only be lubricated by my saliva, sweat, and nut. Just that kind of stuff. You know. Somebody's cooking up a brisket. Anyway, that's...

That's a cool introduction for our friend Dan here. Yeah. And before we even started recording, you were saying, this is very interesting. You looked at Eldis. You guys haven't met. Yeah. You and Eldis don't know each other. You looked at Eldis, and there was like a look. Actually, when you walked in the door, there was a weird look in your eye. I'm like...

What's going on with him and Eldest? Did they kiss? It was like that kind of look. And there was something I was like, do they know each other? There's a look of like when you like someone or when you have beef and we had a look of like, I remember you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From oceans of time ago. From hundreds of years. And Eldest...

Eldest had a weird look too. And then he was like, wow. Later, Eldest said he just kind of, he was like, oh, that guy looks kind of like me. But you said that Eldest reminded you so much of your father. Oh, yeah. You were having like flashbacks. Let me tell you, the one was similar. When I was a movie usher, when I was like 22 in ISC, I was like bored and I was singing that Five for Fighting Superman song. Yes, of course. I go, I'm not, I'm just here to find. And another bearded fat guy walks out of the bathroom and goes, the bathroom.

the better part of me. And we like sang it together and I didn't say anything else. Oh, wow. That's so intimate. But that was kind of like the look. Yeah, he looks like my father. That's so interesting. Yeah. I feel like we're both looking at each other and see your father somehow. I don't even know what he looks like. You don't look like Eldridge's father, but I also feel like, yeah, he has a similar, he sees you as a father figure. Like we have a look of like a,

Men meeting across the plains and then hugging as the sunlight cascades in back of us. Was your dad good or bad? He was a good dad. Great dad. He was a good dad. Oh, okay. So he's not a piece of shit. You're filled with adoration for Elders. Nice. Yes, it was a good... It wasn't like, you piece of fucking shit. I mean, there's... We have our issues here and there, but he's good. He's a playwright. He's a very theatrical kind of dad. Oh, wow. Interesting.

That is a way your life could have gone for real. Where'd you grow up? North Jersey in Rutherford. Okay, okay. Yeah, Eldest could have a little... Eldest could 100% be some weird suburban, like Midwestern, whatever, like drama teacher. You 100% could go that route where he just talks about, oh, yes, I used to live in Brooklyn. You know, he's the coolest guy in the town just by virtue of having been in New York for a decade. Yeah.

That's interesting. Playwright, huh? Yeah. So there was always art and shit in your house? There was like plays everywhere. Wow. Like I read a ton of plays growing up. And yeah, I can't fight. Yeah. That's the other... Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert.

Like my dad was like, this is how emotional, like my dad never hit me. But like one time my dad, like while he was fighting with me, he like grazed my hand and I go like, you hit me. You know, he's like a shitty little kid. Like you hit me. And he goes, that's not hitting. And he slaps himself across the face and his like glasses go across the room. And he's like, that's hitting. And I'm like, I want to call CPS just for embarrassment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get a real dad who knows how to throw a punch in here? Yeah.

A theatrical self-slap is so funny. But I would be like, we would go to his play premieres and there would be these old gay guys. I didn't know they were gay and they would have like ties and they would be like Greco-Roman, naked guys wrestling literally on each other and be like, oh, you're so handsome. And me, because I wasn't getting hit on by girls, I was like, thank you so much. Right?

I didn't pick up. I just didn't pick up on it at all. I was just so pumped. That's so funny. Do you have any siblings? Yeah, I have a sister. She's going to school to become a social worker. Okay. No art for her, huh? You're the only good artist in the family. What? I guess. The lowest art. Yeah, of course. It's barely an art form. It's barely a... Yeah, it's definitely... It's up there with like...

I don't know, like snake charming, I guess. It's barely anything, yes. It's barely anything. Yeah, I fully have said over and over again...

I'm against the elevation of stand-up comics. For sure. I mean, the norm thing of, like, we're not modern-day philosophers. Philosophers are modern-day philosophers. Like, they still exist. But did you do, like, acting and shit as a little... Yeah, I did a lot of acting. Yeah, hell yeah. Joseph, the amazing, tuck-and-cull drink-up bro. I went to school for... I went to acting school with Rami Malek. Oh, okay. You know, it's so funny. Like, you think that, like...

Because Rami was, like, walking past the cellar, and I was doing a show there. And he was like, oh, I'm trying to get in. Can you help me out? And I'm like, yeah, I'll help you out. And then I had him sit down and watch. And then I was like, I sent him a script, and I was like, maybe he'll read it. And I'm like, he didn't. Of course, he didn't email back. And I'm like, this is what everyone thinks, like, the...

big famous people help you out, but it's actually the lower people get them free shit as soon as they become famous. Please, please, Mr. Malick. It's like, I just got him a free ticket. I got this millionaire a free ticket to the comedy cellar. Well, to be fair, you also went hard. PDF immediately. Oh, of course. There was no like, good to see you, man. Let's get a coffee. It was like, here's my fucking script. Please, I need this. I need this bad, Rami. You have no idea. Shit's going bad, dude. He was like, this is my life. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah.

I don't care about her. She's just some ho. She's just some ho. Here. It's about a wrestler and he's going to kill himself if his dad doesn't say he loves him. Hurry up! Just fucking make it! This guy has a comedy. He wants to get out of comedy. He really wants to get out of comedy. He's got a famous friend. Maybe that famous friend helps him out.

And he's got AIDS. Yeah, he's gay. He's gay. He's gay. I know. We need something marketable, Rami. I know. You were going to say it. He's a retard. He's gay. But he loves wrestling and he wants to quit comedy. I fucking need this.

That's fucking awesome, dude. Damn, what was he like? Rami, I'm still waiting. Rami, come on, man. For the feedback. Yeah, yeah. To be fair, the role I gave him, it was like for a pedophile. Of course, he just got done doing Bohemian Rhapsody around a canceled pedophile. He's like, I'm not going to go do a role of a pedophile. That was dumb. I was like, I opened with him. I go, hey, this is Bryan Singer, huh? And he goes, we're not.

He gave me that look like we're not close enough for me to talk about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, a couple wild swings. Real wild swings. But I respect it, man. A couple home run swings. I mean, I treat show business like Gil from The Simpsons. Come on, man. Just give me a shot. Please. Please. I'm almost on food stamps here. I've been on fuse. Where are you at?

This is a Fuse TV legend you're talking. You have just the worst manager in the world. I've headlined Dr. Gwynn Grimm's twice. Come on. Come on. He's been on clip shows with Tonya Harding. He's been reacting to viral videos right after Tonya Harding and Danny Bonaduce, for Christ's sake. Give the man a bone, Rami Malek. I've done short-term improv with Joey Buttafuoco. Please.

Were you guys friends in acting school? Yeah, I mean, he was older than me, so we were cool. He did my plays. He would do my plays. Oh, really? That's cool. He did, like, a reading of it at this school, University of Evansville in Indiana. Evansville, Indiana. It's like...

a depressing place it's where like they test out all the new fast food like they had like oh they test the right yeah they had like a like they they were like a lobster roll and like hearties i forget what it was but it was like all this stuff that never worked and it was like the highest divorce rate how high is it really yeah it's all flat it's all just like evansville yeah america's fast food test kitchen yeah yeah for sure they probably got the double down first it's not all bad yeah well that's probably got the kfc double down before anybody were you a double down guy

It was too much for me. Even for much, it was too much. And when it came out, what year did it come out? Because we definitely had these philosophical discussions. Me and Elz have been friends our whole lives. It was junior or senior year of college. Yes. We definitely got one.

To do it. And we were like, this is fucked up. We did a group outing of it. We got one. And yeah, even back then, that is just so up our alley. Our name is written all over it. Yeah. Us at 20, 21. You know what it is? It's just holding meat as a bread.

It's too much. It's too much, man. I need that layer. I need a layer. And it's like bread is good. Bread's great. Bread's not the problem here. No. Just give me the same thing with bread. It's my favorite sandwich of all time, probably. That was insane, man. Yeah, let's go down in memory lane. Two fucking little cutlets. And then what was in it? Bacon? It was... Oh, there it is. Yeah, it was bacon and cheese. Yeah, dude, put a biscuit around that.

I'm in. KFC, you're doing too much. The rapper, you're like, you really feel like it. Dude, it's bad when the, well, I guess this is the Wikipedia picture, but like it's bad when the picture doesn't look appetizing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the KFC one and it still looks like an abortion. Yeah, it's not. It does look like a fucked up person. Oh, they had a double down dog? Ooh.

Oh my God. You hear that genuine excitement in his voice? As we're shitting on it, you're like, wait, they put a hot dog in it? Have you?

I was writing on this show, Superior Donuts and CBS, and on Friday nights I would have a fast food night. That's a nice little treat. When you have the fucked up thing. My favorite podcasts are all like Wrestling or True Crime podcasts. I remember one time I went to KFC and I'm like, I'm just going to get a

Like one of those, it was like just a little wrap or whatever, and I went around. And then I got a text that the girl I was seeing didn't want to see me anymore, and I like drove back into the drive-thru.

Like, not making a... I had to, like, double dip back in and just, like, not make... They're like, oh, shut the fuck up. Just get me a... A bucket. Get me a bucket. The largest bucket you have of chicken, please, in every side. Twice. Oh, that's brutal. That's also that little ritual of, like, I love that. Hey, I have one, the cheat day ritual. Yeah. As a fat person, it's like... Or, like, you know... It's for four times it's under control, and then it starts...

When that slowly becomes Friday night becomes, well, there was some leftovers Saturday morning. I'll have a little bite become just like, I love when that spirals out of control. Cause that's, that's how I'm with weed too. I mean, right now, fully, just fully addicted to it again, where I was like, I'll smoke a little bit. The rave, you know, the Ravens lost. I'm sad. I want to sleep. We're on the, we went back on the road. Were you there for the Ravens game? I was, it was, it was horrible. It was one of the worst moments of my life to Baltimore.

Where I'm from and have a house. I love the wire. No, no, I do love Baltimore. I mean, it's just like you love where I at least have the love for the shitty place I'm from. You know what I mean? Like where I just like feel I will feel a connection to it forever. The thing is, if my family had left at any point,

I might just try to move everybody to New York or something. But they've, you know, they've kind of put down roots there. People there are nice. Yeah. And it's a fucking, whatever. It's a fun little shitty city. But that was fucking, but anyway, that's how I am with weed where it was just like, just a little puff. And now I am just, me and Elvis have been getting so fucked up. I'm going to give myself a week. I have a week of podcasting to do where I'm not, I can't quit cold turkey. Yeah.

The product might suffer. Yeah, the product might suffer. I worry, you know, I might not be as quick accusing someone of being a pedophile or whatever, you know, that style of comedy we do around here. So, but after that, I am going to fucking, you know, clean my shit up. But that's also... I just quit, but for five years straight, I was just high constantly. Really? Yeah, I was either doing Xanax or weed, and I was like, I'm not drinking. Yeah.

I love that. I'm like, so I'm sober. I love the only person that seems to work for his soda who does not drink and he is high constantly. You can't tell. He's funny. I will say he's like, he does, because I've been on the road with him, he like does weed like rich people do wine where he'll have a little and he'll be, and he's like a little nice and toasty but he'll never get like

Like, retarded. You know, that is true because that is actually true. I have gotten way too high, but that's because I tried to, like, I just wasn't on the level of the weed he was smoking. Like, the first person who ever showed me a weed pen was Soder. When I first moved to New York, I never had a hash oil pen. That's amazing, yeah.

And I'm trying not to seem like a bitch around him. And also, we had just met, and I just fucking hit that bitch way too hard, and I am just pretending to be sober for the whole, like, two hours that we're fucking hanging out. I've gotten too high early on in a friendship and lost that friendship. Yeah, thank God Dan's a great... I remember I was, like, I was hanging out with Kumail and his wife, and I, like, had too big of an edible, and I just went, you guys are going to have to get out of here. And I kicked him out of the living room, and I just fell asleep and had a panic attack, like, on the...

You know, he doesn't return my texts anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kumeo, please. I wasn't invited at all. Kumeo, I have a script. He's a pedophile. You're a pedophile. And you kill Rami Malek, who's an even bigger pedophile than you. It's like Spiderman vs. Spiderman. Pedophile vs. Pedophile. But you stay. You gotta get even more jacked. You need to get even more fucking jacked for this. I know you probably don't feel like doing it anymore, but for me, you have to. You're the only less ripped kid. You're the only less ripped kid.

Yeah, that's so fucking funny. I also love the Friday night, listen to my favorite. You just described, like, get fast food, listen to wrestling podcasts. Like, that screams like child from a broken home to me, where it's like you get your four hours of silence, you know what I mean? Like, that ritual where you're like, mom's at work, dad's doing his shit, there will be no yelling, there will be no fighting, they left me $20 for... Like, my favorite days with my brothers that we still talk about are like,

was fucking doing a job somewhere. Yeah. My mom was running errands. She leaves us, you know, it was the 555 deal at Domino's at the time. Oh, that's awesome. She leaves us $15 and maybe another 10 for sodas or whatever and we just each get our own fucking pizza. We're fucking watching Yu-Gi-Oh. We're fucking, we're just playing GameCube and like,

That is still what clicks. When I think of happiness, it's like, ah, just a couple hours to not, you know, no fucking yelling and shitty food. Yeah, for sure. Like, I brought a friend over, and I remember his reaction after seeing us all eat dinner was like, I'm like, so what did you think? He's like, you know, not a lot of joy there with your family. As a kid or like now? This was like when I was in my 20s, like early 20s. He's like, yeah, there's not really a lot of light moments. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know. It is like when you have a family... You know your family's fucked when it's like you have a family dinner and you're like...

It feels like jury duty. Oh, yeah. Where you're like, I don't want to fucking do this. I have to get through, like... Like, you don't want to make... Like, the people that are supposed to be your, like, closest loved ones, and you feel like you're just making, like, small talk, like you're at a fucking... You're getting your oil changed. Well, it's this weird thing where it goes to small talk to heavy talk real fast. Right, right. There's no in-between. You're right. It goes like, oh, how was your day today? You never knew how to love! Yeah!

Within 15 seconds. I know, I know. If only, you know, if my dad had gotten into podcasting and knew how to vamp and knew how to fucking kill an hour of conversation. Wow, that is, we are really getting into the psychological stuff. My whole childhood was like,

Yeah, just tense conversations. And now I'm like, my job is to just be able to have a good time talking with anyone. That's fucked up. Yeah, but you know, you're able to do it. So good small talk. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, maybe my dad, you know, my dad. Yeah, I mean, it's, it is. I recently had like a lunch meeting.

With him, and it's just like... Are you guys close? No, no. Our shit was bad, and I'm trying to figure... My family shit is kind of complicated right now. I'm trying to smooth it all over. Hopefully, you don't want to be like... You don't want to have a shitty relationship with your parents if you can help it. So I'm giving it the old college try. I'm almost giving my dad like, all right, pal. You get one more shot. My mom died a year ago, and you want to say everything...

All the stuff that you think is really hard for you to say right now, I just implore you to say it. Because it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Go from a KFC double dance to this. Well, yeah. Say the things. It's like the secession thing. Say everything that's unsaid. Because your mom, you have the, we have a flipped. We had a tough mom. I have good mom, bad dad. You had good dad, bad mom. Yeah, it was very tough. And the end of her life was, you know, she's a big problem with alcohol.

And we had to, you know, this is actually the first time I've really talked about it on a podcast, but like, we had to, we had to put her, this is the worst podcast to do it on, by the way. Like NPR. I'm doing this, I'm literally doing this on a podcast where we have Google images of double downs right in front of us. And I'm about to talk about like my alcoholic dementia mother.

But, yeah, it was, I mean, dude, the last, like, physical interactions I had with my mom, and we're now, you know, I can't get into it, but we're having to sue the assisted living facility. But it was Christmas Eve, and I brought her Christmas presents. She told me to get the fuck out. Damn, dude. And that was the last. And then, like, we talked on the phone, and she said she didn't remember, and she apologized. And then, like, a week later, she went into cardiac arrest and then hit her head.

head on the elevator on the way down and paralyzed herself from the eyes down. So we had to enter a living will. She didn't want to be, she would be hooked up to machines. So we had to pull the plug. So that was like a year ago. And then because of that, I started drinking again. And then, I know now I'm back from rehabs.

Fresh off rehab. Please check out that special. I only talk about her death a little bit on the special, but I don't think I've fully gotten through it yet. Yeah, dude. I mean, that's going to – because also it's like – Yeah, it was rough. It's the only one where even Soder, who's got real dead dad issues, was like, man, that's pretty – he's like, all right, you compete. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. First of all, mom is – I think mom is always going to have –

The it's always going to bad mom or like complicated mom. I would say complicated. Yeah. Like that's always going to be harder than dad stuff because your mom is like, like babies don't even care about their dads. You know what I mean? Like from a biological evolutionary thing, it's like your mom is the only like, it's like the most natural, like comfort system, whatever. Like, uh, and so that like the nurturing aspect, and then it's gotta be complicated for you too. Cause it's like,

you see alcohol fucking her shit up. That's been an issue for you. And then the like, like the iron, like the dramatic irony of like your alcoholic mom's death pushing you back to the fucking bottle. It's this weird cycle, dude. It's where it's all so connected. That's fucking brutal, dude. And I wish, I mean, like, look, I'd still be, if I could stop at eight, I would still be drinking. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eight. Not even four. This was like, I know I had to go to rehab because I was like,

this was like four, like over three months ago. Right. And I did the bonfire and I had like 10 drinks before the bonfire. And I thought that I could get away with it. Yeah. And then as soon as I got off, I got a text from Soder being like, were you just drunk? Like,

I was like, ah, fuck. And I was just a bit erect because the only time Bobby Kelly gently looks into my eyes and put his hand on my knee. You know, I'm used to Bobby Kelly giving people shit. Oh, when Bobby's being... Are you all right, Bobby? Dude, when Bobby...

is a human being around you something's wrong dude like something is like you have a terminal illness you don't know about like if Bobby's just purely nice to me I'm like fuck what's going on if he doesn't call me a fat idiot the second he sees me yeah that's tough that's worse there's no insult that stings more than Bobby being like hey man let's be serious for a second yeah it was like a couple of him doing that and then I woke up where Jay's still talking about sex then J-Mo was like bada bada

Then I'm talking about my mom. It's a real nightmare. Brutal, dude. Yeah, carousel. And so you were just... Because you had drinking back... That's been the whole... You've kind of been back and forth with it? Yeah, I would get three years sober and then go out. And then sober and go out. And then I would do something like...

You know, I'd be like, you know, I would like I would have it where I'd be out with a girl. She would have a drink. She'd be like, it's weird that, you know, I can drink around you or not drink. And I'm like, yeah, I know I'm sober, but I would be drunk before the date to try to get ready. Or then like one time I was like, yeah, I'm sober, but I took Oxy, you know, like so I was like drooling out of my mouth. So it's like gone back and forth kind of thing. But it is like.

I mean, I assume that... You're still having a drink, right? Yeah, yeah. Drinking's never been my issue. I mean, weed, honestly, is way more my issue. And food, unfortunately, just is...

Food. That's the one. That's the hardest one. That's the one that it has the most grip of like over me where it's like even drinking. Like I could see myself actually stop. Like I think if I ever got sober off anything for good. Yeah. Like it's hard to realize shakes or anything. No. Yeah. Honestly, we I've had a bigger problem with weed where it's like I can't sleep or like I'm fucking irritable. Like there was I definitely had those years of from fuck. I don't know.

Like, there was, like, my 20s, there was, like, a few years I was high every day, and then when I first moved to New York, forget about it. I was so depressed. Life sucked so much dick, I was high constantly. Yeah, it's hard. I mean, it's hard, man. You want to be medicated all the time, and, you know, maybe the story was things would start going well, you know, I'd get the girl, career-wise, things would be going better, and then I would go out. Now, finally, I feel like I've...

kicked it and I'm like taking care of shit seriously. Unless you're buying, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean, I just always, my grandpa died with a bottle in his hands. Oh, that's tough. That's in your fucking blood, brother. Oh, yeah, bro. Mom's side or dad's side, grandpa? Mom's side. Okay, so it's your mom's side. You know, I had two grandpas who went to World War II. One...

One of them freed like Doc out was like freeing concentration camps. And the other one, which is the one I take after shot himself in the hand in Australia. And then they didn't deploy him. He got drunk. And I guess all I heard was that he was an argument to prove a point. He shot himself in the hand.

Oh, man. They're like, you know what, man? Don't even... We don't even want the Germans to shoot you. He got kicked out of high school because he fucked the teacher. Whoa, that's fucking sick. Old school. Back when that wasn't even...

That was a purely good thing back then. Yeah, yeah, back then. And, like, the 20... And, in fact, it's like, that boy... Make that boy mayor. You know? It's like, that boy's an up-and-comer. Like, you could get a fucking... They give you, like, a Zeppelin as a present. Yeah, you become a foreman of, like, a fucking... A steel mill. If you're a 16-year-old that fucks your teacher back then. And she has to go to a sanitarium. She's, like, in with Virginia Woolf. Yeah.

Like in a basement somewhere. Damn, that is pretty fucking cool, man. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking the teacher back in the day.

Damn. And so your mom's from Jersey too? My mom is from Jersey. They met. She was in one of my dad's plays. Oh, nice. And he was actually dating somebody else, and then they got together. And then when they split up, that's kind of like when she started to really kind of go down the... But she was going through stuff beforehand. Obviously, if you split up, it was...

It's never like a... Community theater actress. Right, right, right. Not like the most stable person, I would say. And even same thing of playwright, too. Don't get it wrong. She was a teacher. She was a great teacher. She was great with emotionally disturbed. Yeah, my dad, it was a weird thing growing up. It was actually cathartic to talk about. Get in there, brother. It was like the opposite. Most dads...

It would be like you get the aggro idea of you got to play ball better. He was the opposite of that. But he was like if he had a bad New York Times review, you couldn't talk to him for a couple of days. So you would just hear him in the office just slamming away at his keyboard because the Times eviscerated his show. So that was very bizarre. It was a very bizarre – I mean they were good parents, but it was very –

you know, they're very emotional and have like my, like when I had depression issues in high schools, my dad, I remember he goes, the only thing my son has inherited is a pharmacy. Yeah. It's like, shut the fuck up. Be my dad, brother fucker. Don't be corny right now. Don't try and make this a big moment. He's trying to plant lines for your screenplay. He wants to be like quoted. I already told you to better

We need an Indian guy. We need a fucking Egyptian or something. There's no white guy. It's about Arab pedophiles. It's about Arab pedophiles and wrestlers. No gay playwrights.

That is funny, though, because that's like gay toxic masculinity. It is. It's like gay toxic masculinity. Or it's like, how dare you? But he's still straight. He's just... Your dad was just barely... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just barely snuck under. For sure. I get that, though. That is interesting because it does... It is damaging to you, but you get none of the, like, manly positives. No. You get none of the, like, I'm going to kick that... Like, I...

I don't like my anger issues, right? I don't, like... I've never seen them, so you've talked about them on the podcast. I'm totally good at keeping it, like... I look and Elvis has, like, a... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Elvis has so much theater makeup caked on right now. He's got two black eyes because he didn't get me a coffee this morning. I had to get my own fucking coffee! You fuck! LAUGHTER

But like, I will say they're not positive at all. But I do think in a like, me and my brothers have fucked up a couple people that were fucking with us. You know what I mean? And that was because of my father. Like when I was younger, I would get in fights and win them.

You know what I mean? Like in elementary school and middle school, like there is a little, there is still a little usefulness to like, look, if shit really goes down, you have a dark source of energy to tap into. Whereas like, you know, you write a, like a poem and then take pills and then watch wrestling. You're like, I'm studying Strindberg. Yeah.

Yeah, it was not... I can take a punch. That's about it. Yeah, that episode of The Simpsons where Homer just gets his ass fucked. And I'm glad not to do it because obviously I'm too fat. No one's trying me. I don't want to have to like... I don't want to get angry, try and punch someone. My shoulder falls. Oh, probably literally me and my brother. Me and one of my brothers fist fought. What?

I haven't... Just fucking dry heaving after this. Yeah, yeah. I mean, probably, yeah. Some kind of college thing. Early college thing. And then that time, me and my brothers fucked up another kid on a Greek school. On a Greek field trip to, I think, Hershey Park. There's a... And look, I obviously have... I'm...

The guy, I trolled this kid so hard he wanted to fuck me up. Like, it was... I'm not an innocent... You're not the hero in this story. No, no, no. No, here's the story is... You say it with a proud smirk on your face. He was annoying. Here's the thing. He was annoying and he tried to insult me. You know what I mean? It was like one of the... Like, Greek people do have this weird, like, pride of, like... There is a lot of macho bullshit there. Yeah, yeah. And so, like, they hate to be, like, embarrassed. They hate to be all this shit. And, like, you know...

I was, I always am good. I mean, embarrassing people is one of my, I didn't know, I never knew that professionally me shitting on people. Like, I never even gave a fuck about crowd work, really. And it was like this thing where I was a minor bully. Or it's just like, I liked fucking with like,

people that took themselves too seriously, right? This kid, like, he was a dork. This happens sometimes where dorks go away one summer and get jacked. Has that ever, you know that phenomenon? For sure. He was a fucking loser. He still wasn't

So he sucked at basketball. And I just trolled him a lot. And then he was just too aggro. And he was like, shut the fuck up. He just told me to shut the fuck up. Or what? And I called him a pussy, whatever. And he just lunges at me. He's a fucking idiot because we're on a bus. So he just lunges at me. He tries to punch me. I just take him. I put him down on the seats. Right?

Right. And then I just start fucking him up and he's punching me a little bit, but like, I'm pretty much, I just have the upper hand. Right. And then my brother, your dad. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely had the shit of your dad. I definitely had the shit of your dad. His dad was a, you know, another nerd, a meek nerd. And then my brother's coming. People like, Oh, thank God his brothers are going to draw, are going to break this fight up.

And then my brothers just start fucking him up too. And we're just fucking six fists. Just over. And then my, actually this, you know what? This is a big problem I have with my fucking bitch ass father. That, he was, I would fuck him up. That should be a Patreon. That should be a Patreon.

There was something where I was like, oh, I definitely could fuck my dad up now. He's old. He's been ravaged by time. Even though he is strong. He's been a contractor his whole life. He's got that angry dad. He definitely does. But bad heart. Hit him in the fucking ticker. Little Kill Bill. Yeah. Little Kill Bill hard punch. Get that blue, that stint, keeping his heart open. Fucking pop that fucker. He's gone. Yeah.

After me and my brothers fucked him up, which we did what he taught us in theory, which is like always have your brothers back, he made like a big public showing of slapping me in front of everyone to be like, I control my children. Wait, in front of the kids? In front of the whole fucking thing, and I couldn't believe it. Oh, my God. I was like, dude, you're supposed to be on my side. And then he apologized. My dad never hit me. We'll say that. I never got hit. Yeah, two week of wrists. Two week of wrists. Yeah, he didn't want to hit me.

He was too busy holding like a Mardi Gras mask. Yeah.

I mean, he didn't hit me that much. My dad didn't hit us that much. He did a little light hitting, but it was more the constant anger and the constant threat of being... He broke a lot of shit, I'll tell you that much. It is always funny when a guy's like, I never... I wasn't it. I never hit you guys. It's like, yeah, but there was a lot of vases that shattered really close to us. Right, yeah. There was a lot of stuff I dodged. Yeah. Yeah.

But whatever. Whatever. We'll see. We'll see what happens. Well, he must be proud now. Yeah, but that's another thing, too. It's like, oh, this is the year you want to make amends? It's like the year I get rich. Is he apologizing now? I wouldn't even call it apologizing. That's the other thing. It's not even apologizing. It's just like...

I don't know. I don't know what's going on. There's a lot. There will be an update at some point. Too much is up in the air with my family to like, I don't even know what's going on, but. Are you close to your mom? Yeah, yeah. My mom's cool. That's great. My mom's, my mom's cool. But you know, they're fucking, I don't know, man. People get, I do think there is something to when you get older and you're like, fuck. I mean, it's like.

shit's about to be over. And you're trying to like... Of course. It's like the... It's like, you know, when you didn't work on your homework at all. It's like my parents are trying to just like sneak being good parents in. The emotional homework from my parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to just like really close get a... My dad is definitely trying to get a C- right now in terms of like connection to his children. But he's doing a bad job. And my mom is just trying... I don't know. I think my mom is just... She feels like her...

Because they stayed together. My parents never got divorced, and they should have. They clearly should have. And I think my mom, it's kind of like, we're pretty close to her, but I think she's kind of trying to really fast fulfill the rest of her life, where she's like, I stayed in this dumb marriage too long. She always talked about wanting to go to community college. I kind of wanted to go take some classes. She's an art lover. She liked going to school, but she was an artist.

but she didn't go to art school. She went to interior decorating school because her dad was like, well, you can at least get a job doing that. She hated that. She should have just gone to art school. There's a whole... So I think in the twilight of her life, she's trying to just feel better about herself as a human being. Of course. She also really wants one of us to have grandkids. I think it ain't going to be me. Is that in the cards for you, you think, or no?

I don't know. I used to think I would. I used to think I was just going to be what I used to be. Yeah, I could see you being a good dad. And I think I would be if, you know, if I helped myself to a bust and I don't plan it out too good. If it happens, it happens. I'm in that stage where I'm like... But I do think I actually have gotten further away from...

Like, I always thought I would eventually. I'm 35. Yeah, 35. Your sperm's still good for another 10. Yeah, yeah. Find some dumb bitch 15 years younger than me. Go down to pumps. You know? But yeah, I don't know. I think if I ended up with somebody that wanted them, I also would love to be the fucking uncle. Like, you know, be the cool uncle in a family. Easiest thing to do. If you fuck up being an uncle, man. Well, there's one way. No.

There's one classic way to be a real bad uncle. We had my great uncle apparently was a pedophile, Uncle Gus. I wasn't around for it. The inspiration for the screenplay. This is the thing. My grandpa, because my parents couldn't afford, my dad ended up becoming more successful and getting money and then losing it.

You know, it's a playwright, so it's up and down. Oh, some years it was like we have a pool. Other years it was like maybe I'll work at Barnes & Noble. But, like, we were – my grandpa used to dress – my grandma always wanted a granddaughter, so, like, they would – my mom would leave me at their house, and she would dress me up as a ballerina. Yeah.

I would like dance in my grandfather's cigar smoke. There's like pictures. I think I put one on Instagram of me as a ballerina. But again, it's like, why don't you just molest me? Get me the street cred of molesting. But instead you do this weird David Lynch montage that I can't even like tap in on. Yeah, there's no chapter in a psychiatrist book about that. No, there's none. Molested, there's a ton of writing on molested. Right, there's no dance in a ballerina through cigar smoke. Yeah.

You know, like the end of a Twin Peaks episode. Yeah, that is so fucking weird. At least, you know, at least it wasn't Uncle Gus dressing you up. No, that's true. He had a bad rep. He had a bad rep in the neighborhood. Do you want to have kids?

I don't know if it's in the cards for us biologically, but like it will be... Bad nut? Bad nut. Bad pussy? My mom had a fucked up... I'm not going to say my wife is a bad pussy. I've dubbed out my whole family. My wife is what I love more than anything else. I'm not going to say she's a bad pussy. I'll just say bad nut. Bad nut, okay. But like...

I'm a test tube baby, that's what, because I am a product of, you know, bad pussy and bad nut, I believe. Yeah, I, you know, like, I think that I could see myself if we had money, you know, hey, man, if this show goes to the special pops, help me adopt, you know. But we're really happy. We have three dogs, so, like, we really love those dogs, and we could get a lot more rescue dogs. And, you know, the thing about, like,

is they die right at the age where if they were a kid, they'd realize you were a fraud. What?

You know, so it's a nice dynamic. So if they give dogs sentience, you're not signing your dogs up for that? Yeah. You're like, no, no, no. Why would I ever do that? That's the whole point of it. You know, that's like having dance syndrome but also being able to be sad. You know what I mean? You're right. You don't want that. Yeah, you don't want to create one that doesn't like candy. What horrible GD's wish was fulfilled in the worst way. Yeah, that is brutal.

That is, that's got, yeah. I'm just ready to be, I'm ready to go uncle mode. Hopefully, you know. Is your brother having a kid? I think one of them wants to. And they're married? Yeah, two brothers. They're both married. One, I don't think, you know, him and his wife, I don't think they're, you know, they're both artists. I don't think they ever, they could surprise me. Who knows? But the other one I think definitely wants kids. And then I have a cousin I'm really close to, but I don't think she wants kids.

One of my best friends, she had a kid, and that was the first kid where I was like, oh, I care about a baby. I don't really... I guess I have a cousin in Greece who had a kid, but he's kind of annoying. He's a cute kid, but I don't see him. And then if other friends have kids, who knows? If there's enough kids... Basically my point is if there's enough kids around where they all like... Because also life is a nightmare, and it's like...

Who knows, dude? The problem is, is like when you have, if your friend is too into your kid, you're starting to have questions about your friend. Right, right, right, right, right. I've never met a kid that I'm like, wow, this is awesome. That's a cool kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an awesome hang. I can't wait to see this kid.

Well, totally, but that's the thing. It's like you never, that's why, that is what's interesting is like, because when you meet just some, like a friend's baby, like an acquaintance or like a lower tier friend, right? Yeah, a lower tier friend. You count the baby as its own person. Right.

And then you're like, well, this is just some fucking guy I don't know. This guy who's annoying. He's a baby. I can't do anything cool with him. But when somebody you really love has a kid, you're like, oh, this is a fucking extension of my friend. This is her kid. Like, he gets...

He gets all the goodwill his mom built up. Mike Lawrence, comedian, one of my best friends, he has a kid and I'm very... When I see that kid, I'm going to bring him a toy. Exactly, exactly. That's a good point. I'm really happy for them because they've wanted a kid forever. And that's the kind of shit I'm talking about. If this fucker has a kid, I can't wait to try and turn him against his father and win, make me his favorite.

That's my goal. No, I'm his God. He's my property. I'm going to tell him, be nice, but don't get too close to Uncle Stavi. You'll have no choice. Freedom in combat. You'll have no choice. He's going to love me. You know it. Dan, quiet. That's the sound of making money.

That's right. Thanks to Shopify. That little ditty plays every time we make a sale. And we're making a lot these days, folks. And it's easy to track thanks to Shopify.com. When I first started podcasting, I didn't think I'd have a merch store. I started podcasting. Oof.

Oh, Obama was in office when I started podcasting, kids. Okay? Never thought I'd be selling T-shirts. Now we got a calendar for sale. We got beautiful T-shirts on our merch store. Merch is a big part of our business here. Merch is putting that beautiful flannel shirt on Eldis' back. Okay?

And when I first started, I was just selling shit out of the trunk of my Honda Civic. No, probably losing money, not paying my taxes. Don't tell Uncle Sam. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

All cash business. Wasn't really growing. Was barely making any money. Now, thanks. And no small... I mean, we've had Shopify ever since we launched a real merch store. We've been using Shopify. They're a global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. We started when we were barely moving units. And now we're selling a lot of calendars. They're for sale right now at the Stavi.biz store. They've been with us throughout every phase of...

Of the merch store, from when it was just like we only had a shirt to now we have multiple things going at multiple times and there's more coming for you. And no matter what you're selling, you don't got to just be selling merch. Whatever it is you got. You want to sell little origami kits? You artsy? You know what I mean? You want to sell...

I don't know, a painting you want to sell. Whatever it is. Eldest was going to remember when you were going to make soaps. Yeah, I mean, that business isn't quite dead yet. I'm working on the business plan. I'm actually looking for investors. Are you looking for an angel investor? I'm going to talk to you after this. All right, maybe we can. So even if you're selling Albanian soap, a.k.a. fresh wet dirt...

you're going to want to use Shopify, folks. Like I said, Shopify has been there for us from the beginning. The second we opened our store, we were using Shopify. Before that, I was literally just people would DM me. I was personally writing envelopes. I have

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This fat piece of shit told me he was sober. Why is he sucking down that tall boy a brewski? It ain't, you fucking numbskull. This is a sparkling mountain water, thanks to my friends at Liquid Death. Liquid Death, my mom saw me drinking this while I was driving. She thought I was really losing it and was about to drive her off a bridge drunk. But little did she know, I was murdering my beautiful thirst, thanks to Liquid Death.

It's actually mountain water. It's sparkling water. They got low sugar soda. They got low sugar iced teas, too. I love the iced teas. The only reason I'm drinking the sparkling right now, it's delicious, but I love the iced teas so much they barely last a fucking week in my house. I'm having one every day. I like the Armless Palmer. It's a little play on, I don't know if I can legally say, a golfer, let's say. Mm-hmm.

Half iced tea, half lemonade is awesome. I also like the Grim Leafer. I'm a nice teas guy when it comes to Liquid Death because they just got a hint of sweet. 20 cows in the whole fucking can. You know I'm trying to watch my figure these days, guys. And the other thing I love about Liquid Death...

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Metal is actually fucking recyclable. Did you know that, dumbass? That's why I also love Liquid Death. They have these healthy, like I said, the low-calorie sodas, low-calorie iced teas that still taste great, still kill your thirst, and they're actually recycling. They're actually helping out the fucking country. It's a pretty fucking sick world. Not just the country. It's worldwide, baby.

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infinitely recyclable beverages, and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddeath.com slash stavi. liquiddeath.com slash stavi. Anyway, well, look, we could talk forever. There's so much interesting shit we didn't even get into. But we got to bring the people some fucking advice, Dan. Of course, man. We need to bring the people some advice. I was listening to the cum sock episode. Yeah, that's a good one. That was a great debate.

What's up, Stav? Eldest esteemed guest. What's up, Stav? Eldest esteemed guest. So a little context before I get into the meat of this situation, but essentially...

Me and my college buddies, it's been a couple years since we graduated, kind of went our own ways, scripted apart a little bit, live in different cities, until my one friend started inviting us to his family gatherings, his beach house and stuff like that. So it gave us a good little opportunity to all touch base with each other, hang out, reconnect, all that good stuff. And it's been really fun and great.

the thing is me uh we're 26 and uh me and his older sister kind of have had a little bit of a romantic vibe when we are all hanging out nothing's happened no lines have been crossed or anything but it's been crossed now we've become friends and family friends and whatnot we're you know we're texting and there's certainly like flirtation going on and

We live, you know, about two and a half, three hours away from each other. And she has a friend in my city and she texted me like, Hey, if I come visit my friend, we should hang out. And I'm, I'm open to it, but I don't want to cross any lines with my friend. So I'm kind of just looking for a guide on how to navigate this situation without, uh, you know, damaging my relationship with my friend, being respectful to his sister. Do I,

Is it okay to pursue a potential romantic connection, or should I just kind of, you know, pull back on that? You think you're just never allowed to fuck anybody your friend is related to? Thanks for any advice you can give me. Appreciate it. Love you, Stav. Later. Well, don't spit in her mouth. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Don't fish over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless she insists. Yeah, I mean, this is kind of an interesting...

I get, well, first of all, how bad is he blowing it where she's like, hey, if I were to come visit, maybe we could hang out. Like, she clearly wants to fuck this guy and she has to contrive a visit. Man, I have this problem. My pussy just is wet all the time. She has to be like, yeah, I'm going to visit. Which I get also. That's a clean, like, if things go bad, I have a friend to hang out with, whatever. But, like, dude, you're 26. This is not, like, this is a problem when you're, like, in high school or, like,

It's also not necessarily ever a problem. It depends on how close. I feel like...

I don't know. Like, I've gotten... Like, I've had a thing where my sister was hooking up with my best friend, and I... But I probably reacted. I was a little bit too weirded out by it. Yeah. Well, how old were you? I probably was... It was recently. Yeah, but you were fucked up. I gotta say... Pre-rehab? I'm fucked up. I gotta say... No, this was, like, years ago. But I gotta say, like, I was wrong. I should have been... Right. Well, in hindsight, I should have been more accepting with this. Yes, yes, yes. So I think that it's...

I think it's fine. I think if it's your mom, it's probably weird. I agree with that. But even then, if it was my mom, I'd probably be happy. Yeah. Well, not now. Now. Yeah. You guys got to stick on a Ouija board.

oh dan this is the worst are you afraid of the dark episode ever um yeah i mean i think that's a good the fact yeah because you realize like it was certainly it can be a problem if someone has like a bunch of and a bunch of resentment and just like if you weren't in a good place anyway but i think if you like at 26 you're close to your friend like to me that's also like

This is also a... Like, in a perfect world, this is great. Your best friend marries your sister. It's like you're literally family. It works out. It's great. It's the best... It works out. It's great. But in 26, it's like, you know, it depends what you want. Are you just trying to fuck a sister, treat her poorly, and never, you know, speak to her again? Because that's obviously the bad thing. But if you're going into this with real intentions, and I would also say, because it's your best friend's sister, you do want to probably even be...

a level more respectful than you would, right? Like, don't try any weird shit. Be really open about your communication shit, but not to the point where you're, like, blowing the vibes. You know what I mean? Because no one... But you still want her to fuck you. Yeah, you still want her to want to fuck you. But, yeah, dude, you're at the age where it's like this could put... I'm not going to put any pressure on you here, but 26...

You know, you're at the age where it could be something serious. Like if this was 20 or 21 or whatever, maybe it's different. But this is not a problem, I don't think, at all. This is, I mean, maybe talk to your brother or your friend.

I'm also realizing from this answer that you've definitely fucked some of your friends' sisters. I never have. No one has sisters my age. But that's the thing. I've definitely thought in the past, just like when I was younger, I was like, oh, what if this person ended up with this? It would just make my life... I have a friend right now who he's dating someone and he's like...

oh, what if, like, my friend started dating my girl's sibling? Like, that would be... And we could all hang out. Like, it's just, like... I actually think this is a good setup. No, it's true, and it does, because, you know, as you get older, you know, I'm married, and sometimes... Like, sometimes you're just, like, grandfathered into these hangs you didn't want to be a part of, you know? Like, imagine if your wife... If she had a sister married to, like...

or something, or just like somebody you like seeing. By the way, so everybody's in love with Soder. Soder's like, yeah, everybody has a crush on Soder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's happily taken. He's got one of the cutest relationships. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, they're great. But anyway, I just like, so I don't know, Elders, we're on the same page, I would assume here, right? Or do you have a different take here? I guess.

I could see the friend being uncomfortable with it, and it's kind of weird to navigate. I think it's complicated because, like, this guy is going to, like, the guy's family's beach house, which is, like, a very intimate, like, invitation. But it also sounds like he's not, like, super close with the guy. I feel like it'd almost be easier to, like, discuss or bring up if they were, like, closer. But...

Part of me is like... To me, I read the Beach House thing differently. I read it as like, we were really close when we were younger and we want a way to stay connected because you're important to me. So I see what you're saying. I guess what it really boils down to is... The problem is like...

It's weird to be like, hey, dude, your sister's going to be in town. I'm kind of interested. We're kind of flirting. Do you give a fuck if anything happens? It's just like presumptive to even ask your friend that like before the fact or something, you know, at the same time. I mean, come on. She's coming. You know, they're going to hang out. Like, I guess maybe after the first hangout.

But even then, it's like, how close are they? The thing is, it's probably going to happen. Yeah. Because this isn't a first hangout. Right, you're right. They've known each other. This is not a first hangout. Yeah, he knows what's up. I guess what it boils down to for me is...

Only pursue this if you're actually serious about it. That's really what it boils down to. I think that's very true. You know, because it's like, even if you're like, I'm trying to have... Don't look at it as a potential, like, oh, if we hook up for six months, you know, and I just softly ghost or who cares. No, like, you have to actually be able to go...

because of your friendship, like, you just want to actually give this a little, make this, it's like the difference between when you're on trial for civil versus, like, OJ was found innocent because there's a lax standard of proof. There's a lower standard of proof in, like, criminal court, right? You have to prove beyond the reasonable doubt, whereas, like, civil court, it's like,

is it more likely than not? So you have to apply... So he did a terrible job at that civil court. Yeah. His personality really shone through. He should have shown up as Naked Gun O.J. and he showed up as Heisman O.J. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He thought he was untouchable. Yeah. So basically, you have to be... It has to be beyond the reasonable doubt. It's criminal rules. It's harder to prove here. So it's like, do you really want to take this seriously? And then in terms of

telling your friend. I mean, if you think there's real vibes, you can check the temperature a little bit. I also think, is this guy a fucking idiot? He doesn't know that there's some vibe going on at the beach house. He hasn't picked up on anything. And here's another conspiracy theory. Not a conspiracy, but like, we're only talking the negatives. The positives could be, like, your friend could also be stoked in theory. Like, if things are good, you know? Like, it could be cool to him that you could be, you know...

you know, dating his sister. I don't know. But I do think only do it if you're serious. And then what's the verdict on should he talk to his friend about it beforehand? I kind of think just going on the reasonable doubt thing. Hey, if she comes out to your town for a weekend, hang out, feel the vibes that way. If anything happens or if you really catch us...

Well, I might be on Eldest's side here. Probably, but you don't know. I think he can wait to tell the friend before. It's true. You should at least hang out once in a context, just you and the sister, just to feel the vibes out. Because you do have the reasonable... Now we're back to being a bit of a scumbag. But as long as you have the right intentions, you can be like, I hung out when she came over. We hung out.

I'm catching kind of a vibe. How does that make you feel? Tell him mid-fuck. FaceTime him with your cock. You text like, hey, dude, your sister's over here. My cock's right on the outside of her pussy. It's like a metal detector on a beach.

Can I put it in, bro? Are you going to be weird about this? She's like, what are you doing? Like, shut up, bitch. That was such an accurate pantomime of a dick. Little dick rub. Never hurt nobody. Well, there you go, buddy. Don't be so nervous. And as long as your intentions are pure, go for it. All right. What else we got? A little Eldo. Hey, it's Trevor. Uh, and hello to guests as well. Um,

So, I've been with my current girlfriend for about, just about five years, going on to six now. Okay. And I want to propose this year. Oh, very nice. I'm really excited. I've already got it planned out. I've already asked for her mother's blessing and everything. Very cute. The problem is, is my family. You see, a couple years ago, they had a huge falling out with my girlfriend, and she's

Preppy.

She comes from a background. He would consider not getting maced by your sister. You know, prep. She shopped at Aeropostale. Not that her family wasn't abusive. Anyway, keep going. A lot more money. We'll just say that. Okay. Not trash. Well, she called CPS on my sister, which definitely was not okay. Ooh.

But, you know, it was a while between my girlfriend weathered it out and we worked on some stuff. But we're still working on stuff with my family and it's slowly getting better. But it's very obvious, like, they clearly want me to find someone else. And I'm just wondering, like, I need your advice on how, when I do propose this year, that's just the plan.

How do I talk to my mom about that? How do I tell my mom and my sister that we're now engaged? Because I feel like the reaction is definitely not going to be good. So, yeah, I'm just really trying to figure out how to navigate that and figure that out.

But, yeah, Savi, you guys, have a great day, guys. Love you. Hey, man, listen, here's my advice. You fucked your way out of white trash, okay? Your girlfriend's rich pussy's like a UFO hovering above your trailer park, and you just need to fucking get sucked right into her pussy and up out of fucking having Hot Pockets for Easter Sunday brunch. Run into that fire in the sky, bro.

Yeah, I think people have to realize, like, as soon as you get married or engaged, your wife is more important than your sibling. Yeah, that's the thing. They're much more important. This is your family. There's a debate, but sibling more important. I think, I mean, I think it's, I think it is the, like, I think they're, yeah, I think they're absolutely more important. And if you're fully committed, that's the thing. When you decide to get engaged to somebody, you're basically saying, like,

This is my family now. This is my... And I don't... It's not like...

I'm not saying everybody has to... It's nice if you can stay close with your birth family, whatever you want to call it, your parents, your siblings, all that kind of stuff. And certainly, I think it's for the best if you kind of merge families. But even your mom, your dad, your sister, they become your extended family. Your family is now you and your wife, you and your fiancé. If you have kids, that's your fucking family. So...

If you're making this decision, in my opinion, you have to be prepared for her to be more important than them. And you have to be prepared to... I mean, if you're dead set on it, then yeah, talk to your family. And if they're disrespectful about it, I think you have to draw a line of like, you have to behave a certain way to be around me and my fiance. Or we just can't be together. Like, we can't be... I'm not coming and visiting...

We can't have, you know... There's plenty of people who don't talk to their families anymore. You know what I mean? And you have to be... I'm not coming for, like, the white elephant Christmas gift exchange where every single one is a pack of Marlboro Reds. I'm not coming to that anymore. Everyone... Like, so, yeah, dude, I mean...

Now, her calling CPS, that is snitch white lady behavior. I agree. To call it on her... For her kids, like, for a fight you guys had, as someone who is poor, that is fucked up. Did she apologize? Like, that's the other thing. Like...

You fought your sister. You ended up in jail. Did she end up in jail too? Like, was it one of those? Or did you do something wrong? Has your girl apologized for calling the cops on her, on your sister? Like, is there something you think you can do to make amends? Make it. Do your part. Do everything you feel like you should do, whatever you were in the wrong for. Make up for it. And then have a conversation with your family and be like, this is the decision.

I love this person more than anything. You know, and then, like, see how they take it and, you know...

I have a different take. I think you guys should fight again. Yeah. Whoever wins. Whoever wins. If you beat your sister's ass, you're allowed to marry this girl. Yeah, that's fair. You each select your own weapon. It's like they come out to the fucking... Like John Wick. Yeah. She sets the terms. She's like, we will be fighting with maces. Are you fucking twirling a fucking mace? I picked the wrong mace. Yeah.

But yeah, you know, that's basically it. Like, figure out if there's anything you and your girl need to apologize for. Go into that conversation with a completely clean slate on your behalf. And then, you know, see how they handle it. At the end of the day, they don't get to fucking choose, man. And it's like, this is your life. This is your family. And you're deciding this is who you want to start a family with. So, you know, fuck your dumb sister and mom.

It's so funny. You can see how desperate the call is by what time the call was made. Oh, yeah. You guys can't see it, but there's like a log of the calls. That is true. I never even noticed that. And at 6.30 a.m., I'm like, oh, man, this one's got to be rough. Yeah, I never even thought of that. It was very perceptive. I've been engaged now for about eight months, very in love with my fiancée. We've both gained weight recently.

We've been together about eight years. I still think that my fiance is very sexy, very hot. She looks great. We've both gained a lot of weight throughout the years. Despite how much I always think that she looks great. So meekly telling us that she's too fat. And I'm

It's starting to become a health factor. Okay. And I'm, I just, how do I say that you need to lose weight or not even lose weight, just be healthier without sounding like an asshole. And, uh, yeah, that's about it. Also, how do I, like, I have friends who are so like girls who aren't even that big people call Trevi, uh,

And it's fucking bullshit. Like, it's so showboating. Now he's setting up his bona fides. Where he's like, hey, I'm one of the good ones. I'm a fat ally.

Having said that, my wife is a pig. He handled this the best way he can as far as being delicate, but because he was delicate, now I just imagine this woman is like the science of Macy's Day. She's 800 pounds. She's Yokozuna. Not to also pile on this guy and put him on blast, but

I mean, you hear it in his voice here, but he called in like eight times trying to get this question out. Oh, yeah, trying to get the wording just right. So he's really doing the reasonable doubt. Well, I have a couple thoughts. I think the first thing you can do, and maybe we've suggested this in the past, slightly damage all of her chairs.

So that every time she sits down, she breaks a chair. And you have to be like, this is crazy. I'm going to call the manufacturer. You got to be on her side. But every time it happens, she's got to start fucking like, you know, being like, is this me? You know, saw a hole in your deck.

So when she walks out, she goes, you know what I mean? Like, that's one way to get the message across without you having to do it. But now that we got the bit out of the way, which I was thinking of the whole time he was talking. So there's look, man, you said we've gained a lot of weight.

But all you've said is, how do I get her to lose weight? This is your easiest thing in the world. If you guys, and that's natural, right? This happens in relationships. People gain, like, comfort weight. You're not out there. You know, you're not trying to present the product anymore. You're actually happy. You feel secure. You don't have to go to the fucking gym so much to fill the hole in your heart that this person has filled. That's a natural thing.

If you gain it together, why can't you lose it together, too? Like, make it, we did this together, right? Like, because it's almost a symbol. Both of you getting fat is a symbol of, you know, your love for each other. And if you're really worried about health, first of all, what health issue? Like, does she have health issues? Or are you just finding the one way to be, that's acceptable to...

Because people love... I can't tell you how many people are like, were so rude, have been rude to me my whole life about losing weight. They're like, oh, it's just for your health. And it's like, you're on pills. Yeah.

I've seen you do cocaine at 9 a.m. You're not worried about my fucking health. I'm worried about now it's my health just because my thing, you see how it affects me, but we don't see what's going on with, you know, how rotten your guts are from all the fucking coke and fucking pills and cigarettes and shit. Because health is a way people like to, it is possible that somebody can be

relatively healthy if they're a little overweight and if it's not like getting crazy right now at the same time I'm not gonna sit here and say that obviously like a big reason I want to lose weight the only reason I want to lose weight truly is it has started affecting my health like that's why I'm like I need to take this seriously so like that's one thing but I think the easiest thing here is do it together and if you're worried about health truly

And you, since you've also gained weight, you could be like, why don't you go to the doctor, get your blood work done and be like, oof, he's saying I need to like, babe, what do you think if we, like, it's going to be easier for me if we're doing this together. And that's also true, by the way. If you're living with somebody and it's just you and them, having the same meal, healthy meals is easier. Like,

Working out together is easier. Having somebody to hold you accountable. That stuff is actually true. So I think that's your best bet if it's truly health, if, you know, whatever. And that way it cushions the blow. And also, if you've both gained weight, it's true of both of you, I think. Unless you've gained a little, you haven't gained as much weight and it's really about her.

But I don't know. Yeah, I feel like in a situation like this, you just got to lead by example. You can never be like, I want you to lose weight to be fucking athlete. You have to like, you know, you're like, I think I'm just going to make a salad or something tonight. Kind of drop little, you know, just kind of make those healthy choices yourself and out of love or a good feeling or out of pressure or worries, you'll join in. But I think also you can't fully just...

You also have to... I think a conversation is merited here, where you're like, oof, I just went to the doctor. I did all this. I feel like we've gotten a little unhealthy. And it's probably true, right? They probably have together eaten a little... And you can frame it that way, where it's like, what if we kind of get a little healthier? Why don't we both kind of do a little health journey? I think framing it that way also is like... That's also...

disingenuous and less insulting than like mmm like mmm this salad's good mmm it looks better than your pizza like she's a like she's a fucking baby like

Like, you know what I mean? You kind of have to treat her like a fucking person and not like a dumb little kid. Right. Oh, my God. This is so much better than candy. Yummy, nummy, nummies. I don't know how much, because I've gotten fatter since I've been married, but my wife is still... Right. She still keeps her shit fucking tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, she came up to me, she's like, is it okay if I start doing Botox? And I'm like, is it okay if I just start, like, eating like I always eat, like, shit all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that wasn't the agreement in this marriage. Yeah. You did not marry Matt Rife. Yeah. I mean, that is a classic setup, though, of hot wife, fat husband. That's the dream. That's what I'm looking for. I don't have, you know, I got to be fatter than my wife. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. Just because it's like sitcoms. Are you attracted to a bigger woman or mostly smaller women? I am attracted to the... I have a joke. I don't want to do my bit, but it's like I do feel like there is a compatibility. Like two fat people when your dick is little? Hard. Hard to get done. Do you have a little dick? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's nothing to write home about. But women seem to love it.

They're fine with it. Yeah. You know, it's not really, it's like the dick is part of, I think it's more of the experience, you know, like I think I'm a good time. Right, right. But no one's signing up for my cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. If it was just cock and no fun little banter, you know, no. You don't have like Metzger's dick lying around. No, no, no. His dick is humongous, right? That's right. He's got like a 13-inch penis. Yeah.

Nice. Round of applause for Kurt Metzger's penis, everyone. Yeah, I guess that's part of my thought process of the classic sitcom of like,

At the end of the day, you know, fat guy. You want the Jim Belushi and cute blonde. Fat guy. Yeah, not blonde, but yeah, fat guy and some kind of, you know. And again, not fat. Don't get me wrong. I'm just going to be fat as shit. That's what. There's no way I don't get fat. Like, I'm trying to maybe keep it together for 10 years so I don't die in my 40s. There's like a picture of me. Like, when we first got engaged, my wife is on the beach in a bikini, and I'm just wearing a shirt over a bathing suit.

I should pull it out. Shirt on the beach. I should show it to you. It is like the most like...

fat guy, hot chick, like fucking picture you've ever seen. Yeah. People in the comments are like, oh. Yeah, that's hilarious. What is going on? See, I at least offer, my titties are out. I'm confident as if I'm a hot guy. Oh, I'm not as confident as you. I'm not as confident. That's why, yeah, I'm not confident. That's the experience I offer. And especially now, I have big hopes of the, there's a whole, there's some kind of TikTok trend coming.

coming out about the mob wife aesthetic. And I'm a fat guy that believes in himself. That's a type of guy. It's like Gandolfini, man. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. People always thought he was hot, you know. Yeah, he was a piece of ass. He was a sex symbol during The Sopranos. For sure. Even when he was, you know, at the end where he was getting fat as hell. He was a true piece of ass in the beginning. I'm trying to get there. Season one. Woo! Woo!

Season one, he was good. He's kind of jacked. Season one, he was good. He's like 250. Yeah, and he was a tall guy, too. Yeah, so the tall thing is always... Ah, yeah, it's a fucking cheat code, this fucking guy right here. You're married, though, Alviso. I am married, yes. Yeah, although I guess that's true. He didn't get that good of pussy that much when he was... Even though he was taller, but some came very easy to him.

You know who the real assassin is? And he'll never even admit it is our good friend Jimmy Mack.

J.P. McDade. He's in a great relationship now. He's tall. But he's tall as shit. He's got a good thing going on. He's nice. He's funny. Like, he's unassuming. And I feel like that's the guy women, like, will secretly... Like, that's the guy that they'll just DM and be like, hey, do you want to come over and fuck me? And he'll just go, you know what I mean? And, like, to the point where I feel like he just wants to be in a relationship. He's tired of being used for his... We should save this for Kush Brothers. Yeah.

Jimmy Mark. Shout out to JP. Anyway, let's get another one going here, Eldis. Get another one going in there. Hey, Dov and Eldis, big fan of the show. I am calling because I am like, I'm a little chubby. My hair is thinning. I don't know. I guess I don't have a whole lot of confidence these days. And I'm trying to figure out how to just like,

accept that stuff and let it go. I feel like you maybe are able to do it a little easier because you have, like, you're very funny and you have to get the gab. I don't really have that. So I find it a little more difficult to just, like... I'm not able to just descend into being a fat glob of shit. ...and the blueprint for my body...

I don't like how much you're enjoying this one, Eldridge. I don't like the pure delight this question is fucking giving you. It's not even like that. The people need help out there, man. The fucking pure glee your bitch ass has right now as this guy's like, hey, Stav.

I'm getting ugly and fat. How do I do it? How can I really own that? Stop. Stop.

He was complimentary. He said I was funny, at least. This is, by the way, his uncomfortable fat guy shirt. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. You see, like, in my face, it's just like... And you're not even that fat in this pic. No, no, that looked decent. Yeah, you could have gone away with this, no problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're right. Your body language is so bad. It looks like a Comic-Con where she, like, played your favorite actress. It looks like she's posing, like, reluctantly with a fat nerd. Yeah.

Who liked her portrayal of like some Star Wars character. I love this message though. It's like, you make diabetes too work, bro. You make it work. Let's play more after Eld is so rudely interrupted by enjoying himself again too much. But go ahead. We owe this man. I don't know. Just accept my body and the blueprint for my body.

um i wonder if you have any stop you are forbidden from laughing at this question l this advice for how to just let go and accept it while also like i was you know i'm continuing to better myself working out uh eating healthier all that but i know even if i got to an ideal weight or something like that i would still have something that i'm self-conscious about so i'd rather just like

that and learn how to just accept it. Alright, thanks, Doug. Alright, well...

We are going to let you get away with the backhanded nature of your call. Real slow rolling those fat. It is like when women talk about how they... Somebody had a bit, I'm sorry I'm forgetting who it was, but a very funny comic, she had a bit about how she just doesn't want to be called brave. You know what I mean? She doesn't want to be called brave when she posts a picture of her with a bikini on. This is sort of the equivalent of that. But no,

But no, I am here. This actually is what I'm here for. I'm trying to provide a shining example for ugly incel. My thing is always like, if I can do it, you can too. Now, maybe not at this level. Like our friend said, I have some talents. I'm more charismatic than most of you are. But still, you can still punch above your weight, right? Yeah.

And so I think there's a couple things in terms of acceptance. I think the biggest thing for me was realizing whatever the hang-ups you have are, right? This guy says he has problems with his body, whatever. My guess is you're worried about how women are going to treat you or how it's going to stop you from getting what you want.

And the reality is that's just not true. You're the thing stopping you, right? And look, am I telling you that as many women are going to want to fuck you as a traditionally attractive guy? No. But here's the thing. You don't need to fuck all those women. You need to fuck one woman that you love. Or let's say 10. For a guy like you, 10 would be great, right? You need to just fuck...

A very small percentage of women, right? And even in society, people do treat fat people worse. That's true, right? But you don't need everybody to fucking love you. You need the people you work with. You need the, you know, whatever. You just need to be successful in your sphere. And so when you feel like there is an amount of people on earth that are straight up attracted to what you look like. There are more people that want to fuck your theoretical look

than you could ever fuck, right? There's more than you could ever fuck in a perfect world. So go find a couple of them. You don't need to be everybody's favorite. You need to be the best version of you. You don't need to be the best guy of all time, right? So that's really the acceptance thing is like, I got dealt a certain kind of hand, right? Five, seven, you know, balding, like not good hair. The Lord gave me beautiful skin. Thank you for that one, God. But bad penis, just...

Just a lot of physical negatives, right? But I may do. Was there a moment, though, where you embraced it and it started to change? Yeah, I mean, when I was a kid, I was much more self-conscious. What's your superhero origin story? That's my question. I'm trying to think. I think, honestly, truly getting pussy for the first time. I was so self-conscious that I couldn't make a move. And I had a college girl. I didn't have sex until college. And I had a college girlfriend who we were in a relationship with.

And after her, after I got sad, when that broke, when that didn't work, I just fucking realized, like, I did it once. This girl was attracted to me. She was like, you know, like for me, it was a lot of like insecurity around romantic stuff and sex stuff. And once I just had the basic thing, I'm like, oh, I can make a woman bust. There's women who, there's a woman who is, and I felt like she was attracted to me for real. And then I just started dating a little bit and getting out there and like,

I was broke. Comedy wasn't going good. I was like a local comic. I was in Baltimore. I paid $300 rent in this place in Baltimore. And I worked at a paint store. I'm a loser. You know what I mean? I used to eat beans and eggs for most of my meals because they were the cheapest things you could get. And even in that year, I fucked like 10 girls because I was just like, whatever. Like, it's like, I just realized people would. And so, I mean...

And then I do also talk about, like, it is important, I think, even if you're happy with yourself, working on your body and making yourself more attractive or more desirable or more whatever, it's important not for the positives from other people, but it's important because it makes you feel better. It makes you more confident. Like, any improvement, whether that's physical or, like, even if you've got a hobby that you're really into and you learn shit about it or you just, like, you know, you're doing better at work. Like, for me, it really was...

It helps your mood. I haven't been working out, but it does. When you work out, you're less depressed. Yeah, and even in terms of my origin story, it was like,

I was in a relationship where I got validation from a woman and like... And it kind of melted away a lot of my self-esteem issues there. But then also, I took... I always wanted to do comedy. And that was also the year where it kind of started to click. And working really hard on something I cared about. Even though it didn't make me any money. I was just like known as the funniest guy at like open mics in Baltimore. Like that doesn't get you anything. But like...

And just that, like, focusing on my career and my dreams made me feel better and more confident. So even though I was a broke fucking loser, I got more... And I fucked some of the hottest girls I fucked in that stretch when I was, like, 24 and a loser because I was just like...

You know, you're just around your bars, your shows. You're just like, you know, you're having a good time. So that's what I would say is like find stuff that makes you feel better about you as a human being. You're not just your looks. You're the whole fucking package. And for me, it's like this guy said I was funny, whatever. I had the gift, the gap, whatever. That didn't help me when I was even when I had that stuff when I was in college. I didn't get any pussy then.

It helped me when I worked on shit I cared about. And that was pretty much it. It was like, I was just in a place where I just, I felt, things felt positive for me. And you know, when you're younger, nothing feels better than potential. Because you don't have to have done anything. But you're like, I was 24 and being like, dude, I'm moving to New York. They're going to fucking put me on SNL. I'm going to be headlining. And like, didn't happen for years. Like, I didn't get successful for, like,

I probably... It was probably like three years till we even started Comptown and the year after that until it made some money. And even then, it was like other shit was slow going. Even though I had a podcast going, it's not like I was headlining immediately. It's not like... I didn't get a TV... I didn't get a TV credit till Netflix. You know what I mean? It wasn't like shit was going good. So it was like... It was just being in a positive place for me that made me believe in myself more. And I think our friend here, it's like if he does some stuff that makes him feel a little better...

And, I mean, that's all the acceptance is. Right now, who you are is good enough for a lot of people. You just have to find those people and then just work towards being the best version of yourself while you're, you know, while you're looking for them. Improve a little bit and just improve for yourself. And I think that'll help. I mean, I don't know. It seems like you're still not coming with the shirt off. You're still worried about... I've gained a lot more weight, but like...

No, I'm not comfortable with my body at all. That's so interesting because, dude, if I had a loving wife, dude, I wouldn't even think about my body as an issue. Like, it's so funny how tied my body is to me. Oh, I hate myself a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's taken, you know, it's taken. If it's not about that, it's about, you know, like how a set goes or something. It's just constant, you know, it's constant. And it's gotten better, but it's definitely rough, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's just like you just find it as one of the ways that like that self-loathing is just criticizing your body. Yeah, and it is a form of being self-involved too, you know. It's just a different, it's just the worst way to be self-involved. Yeah, yeah. I just find that so interesting because like Jay's the same way where like Big Jay is like, you know, he's fucking super successful. He's fucked a ton of women. He's in a good relationship. And he still like worries about like,

being around with his shirt off. And I just don't, to me, it's just, your body is so purely tied to sex. Maybe we got picked on more than you did. That's true. I was, I would often flip it. I often, like I was, like, I think I was probably, but I did get picked on for being fat. I just also shit on people, which I feel like both you guys could have done as youths. Yeah, I don't think we did though. I mean, I'm not, I'm not super close to Jay, but I think that we both,

Yeah. You know, I mean, I got picked on, not really high school, but I definitely got picked on a lot. Right, right, right. Middle school and grammar school. Gay father. You know, that's got to hurt. It would have been easier if he was gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly. He would have taught you snapbacks. Yeah. He would have taught you how to be like sassy instead of just being a self-involved straight guy. Harvey Firestone or whatever. Yes, yes. That's a good dad. That would have been a great dad. Yeah, that would be a great dad. All right. Well, good luck, bud. Hopefully that helped. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah.

as of also ugly piece of shit, what would you tell him? I think you're handsome. Thank you. Thank you. That's cause you want your dad to love you. Tell me I'm good. Uh,

Yeah, I mean, just do stuff that makes you feel good about yourself. No, fuck you, Elders. You've been able to trade on your height your whole life. You don't get to give this ugly motherfucker with thinning fat hair. I felt insecure and down and shit before. Believe me, I know that. I mean, just, like, hit the gym series. Honestly, if you lose, like, 10 or 15 pounds, it'll be the same mental effects as if you lost, like, 70 pounds. Literally, I spent a week in Baltimore walking, and I was, like, flexing in the mirror. I was like, damn it.

Damn, I look good, bro. I literally spent one week eating the right amount of calories and taking like one hour walks. And I was like, God damn, it's working already, dude. Yeah, dude, any kind of progress will feel better. Anyway, whatever. Next question. Fuck this guy.

Hey, big Stavi, lovely little sexy eldest. I'll try and keep this quick so you guys listen and give me an answer. Man, one of my best friends in my life, dude, known the guy 20 years. We have always been close. Our wives are close.

During COVID, man, we became so insanely inseparable. We talked to each other every single day. Wow, this sounds unhealthy, dude. I don't know what it would be like to see your best friend every day, to work with him, to travel with him. Yeah.

Even when he's done work, he stays and hangs out and smokes weed and orders falafels on your couch. Wait a second. You two seem like two grade-A homos as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, go on. Each other, man. One of my best friends in my entire life. But over probably the past two or three years, this dude's entire fucking personality has absorbed...

you know, Trump. I mean, and I'm not against it, man, but the guy is just like Republican or die. And it's just so fucking hard, man, to still maintain friendships with people who just get so, so stuck in something and are unwilling to change. And,

Man, I don't know what to do. It's one of my best friends in the world. I'm not saying that I don't believe in some Trump stuff. You know what I mean? But this guy is just like modern day Republican guy.

I mean, anything, like, if it's tranny, if it's gay, if it's anything, this guy's not very woke himself. It's so fucking exhausting. And I don't know what to do, man. Yeah, that's tough. I feel like so quickly we stopped being best friends.

Fuck, man. Give me some advice. That is a tough one because, like, look, I do think there is a, and I think this came up on a live call recently, but it's like,

People just are too quick to not be friends with people sometimes, I think, especially now. It's like, I have friends I don't agree with. That's what happens. Like, what the fuck? You didn't grow up in a... Like, where did you guys grow up where everybody has the same fucking opinions? And by the way, everyone with your opinions is not a good person. And everyone with different opinions than you is not a bad person, right? Like, just because you disagree over some stuff, it's not the end of the world, right? Having said that, if somebody takes it too far...

And especially if they're doing like hateful shit, especially if it's like, like it's one thing to be like, you know, to have a friend that it never comes up. But if you had to guess they're a little racist, like actively, you know what I mean? Like that's, that's, it's a lot different than somebody sending you like, send them back to Africa memes. You know what I mean? Like that is a difference. That is a material difference of somebody who like, you know, if you have some fucking old, if you have a friend where it's like,

somebody's like 30 years older than you and they're like from, you know, from a farm or some shit or like they're from like, you know, I have friends, I have friends in Baltimore where it's like, yeah, I, you know, old guys where I'm like, yeah, I'm not getting into a,

a political discussion about trans stuff with these guys. You know what I mean? But if it comes up, I will say, no, you guys are wrong, gently, but we'll agree to disagree, right? Right. If it doesn't have to get... I'll just be like, he's a fucking idiot that can't change anything. I don't care, right? As long as he's not harming any of these people or he's not like too, you know, whatever. But it's like...

As long as somebody... But there is a level. I do think a level exists where if somebody crosses it, you're like, I'm just not comfortable with this shit, man. Like, we just aren't... If you're constantly saying racist, homophobic shit, it's one thing to, like, tell an off-color joke. It's another thing to just constantly be absorbed...

and sending memes and doing hateful shit. It's exhausting to have to then also be the guy who brings up the other point too all the time, you know, like when you just want a friendship. Exactly. You don't want, exactly, exactly. You don't want your downtime to be like educating and checking people on their fucking racism and fucking homophobia. Like that's annoying enough when you have to do it with like your family.

I think in general, like there's people I know who like are that way, like they'll be that way with people I know that way with Biden and are like really pro Biden. And I'm like, that's kind of corny. Well, if anyone's pro Biden. Yeah. What the fuck are they talking about? That's crazy. Like, like it's like it's elder abuse. But I know what you mean in terms of the anyone that's. Yeah. I have a bit of my special. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's just like they're civil servants, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of these people are really down for you. Well, and I mean, certainly the mainstream. Certainly not Trump. Yeah, I mean, and definitely the mainstream. Yeah, you're any kind of mainstream political. Like, yes, MSNBC fucking parents are annoying as shit too, right? Like, I don't want to be sent...

I don't want to be sent like, ooh, Russia memes. You know what I mean? I don't want to be sent like, Trump's taxes are coming out and he's done for. But that's also like a...

I do have this... I do really believe that, like, the two sides thing is a little bit of a cop-out where it's like... I do think the far right is materially worse and, like, is... I agree. And is, like... And, like, to me, this is... They're both annoying. They're both as annoying. But, like, if somebody was spamming me with, like, Rachel Maddow memes, I'd be like, you're a fucking loser and not, like...

You might, like, shoot a trans person. You might, like, snap and, like, hit a man who you think is, like, a fucking cross-dresser or something. If you go far in either direction, it's either, like, Franco or Cultural Revolution. Like, it's bad. The farther you get on either side, it gets bad. So it's, like, you got to find... And I just think, though, in this particular case...

In this particular case, it just, Matt, it just, because once a guy's in this, you can't really talk to him.

Once he's gone down the, like, meme, like, sending you fucking, like, you know... And, like, dude, something happens to people's brains where, like, the trans... Like, how is trans shit... How does that affect you? How many trans people do you know? How is this a fucking issue? It's an exaggerated issue on both sides. It's so crazy that this is, like, that Republic... And even the groomer shit, it's, like, they're being... They're, like, this shit of, like...

That's not... Gay people aren't who's molesting people. It's literally Republican politicians. Well, it's just that it's across the board. It's good, man. It's pedophiles and priests. Yeah, well, save it for the screenplay. Stop plugging this fucking screenplay. So, look, yeah, I mean, it's really a matter of... I mean, I guess you can have some discussions with this, right? But, like...

I don't know that I really have any close friends that have, like, have gotten, like, you know, more radicalized in a way I don't agree with. And I don't know how I would handle that. I mean, when it has happened, when I do have friends who, like, have differing viewpoints and say something I don't agree with, I do just make fun. I just bust their balls about it, right? I'm just like, you're a fucking idiot. Where'd you even hear that? And it's just like, you know, good-natured whatever, right?

But I think this guy's kind of... It sounds anyway like this guy's a little far gone, his friend. It sucks because all the rhetoric is so incendiary now that it's like when you have a guy who gets this deep into this shit, they like...

It almost becomes like you have to hide certain parts of each other from your friends when it should just be like what you're saying. Just call them a fucking idiot. Laugh it off. Take it off. Feel good that you can call them an idiot without getting hit with a bunch of fucking...

Talking points being like, no, no, no, no, listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're a sheep, man. You listen to the fucking L. You still listen to the mainstream media, bro. Yeah. That kind of shit. The mainstream media. So, dude, it's really for our friend here, our caller. You know, I think you can't. You're still his close friend. And I think if he's saying shit that really bothers you or offends you or just you don't like, I think a gentle call out in a friendly way is...

can hopefully restore some normalcy to your friendship. You don't want to have a super serious, like, hey man, cut that out. Like, that's inappropriate, because he's going to accuse you of being pro-cancel culture then. He, a loser, is going to accuse you, a man with no power, of trying to

cancel him for saying something fucking transphobic. So you don't want to like play into the, you don't want to play into it, but it's like, and the other thing that I have found when I, when I, if I have friends with different opinions of me, it's like, I like to talk about things in broad terms that are not the rhetoric, right? Like, cause there's a lot of, you can agree on a lot of shit. There's a lot of shit you can agree on. Like whenever I have friends that, if anybody brings up anything that's like, you

you know, anti-immigrant or even like woke shit. I'm just like, dude, none of that is really the issue. Inequality is the, like all this shit is smokescreens for inequality in America. And even like, and that's, I do think a big reason Trump is so successful and a reason that in 2016 it should have been Bernie Trump is because

There was a grassroots, like, we want outsiders and we have been getting fucked. There's no way you can look at the mainstream political parties and say, these people give a fuck about us. The rich are getting richer and we're getting fucked. And that is, like... Those are talking points that...

The far right and the far left 80% agree on it's a matter of like, what do we do about that? Give everybody health care and maternity leave and paid time off or execute Mexicans. Or like put every man who's ever put a woman's wig on in jail.

So anyway. Which would make jail more fun. Which would, to be fair, the gay guys in there. If jail was just an unliving color sketch. That's pretty fun. Does sound pretty fun, except for, you know, the hottest guy in a wig who's probably getting his ass taxed over and over again against his will. Unless he's into it, in which case sounds like a party for him too. So there you go, bud. That's our really good motherfucking advice about this.

elders you have a fun one what are we working with here pal yeah and we want to say also folks go watch the special anything else to plug dan here yeah check out uh dance fatty dance it's online right now and uh you know my uh podcast wrestle roasts i'm on there infrequently but it's a great if you love wrestling it's the best wrestling podcast go fucking listen you check it out a lot of funny guys scott chappin mike warrens robert carpo that's funny dudes we

We watched, me and Eldest fucking in Baltimore, we were supposed to work, we were supposed to like work on Eldest came, my buddy Ben, Ben who directed my special, Ben O'Brien, the consigliere of Stabby Baby Enterprises. He was visiting his family and so we all met in Baltimore. We were gonna like work for a week and like do a bunch of shit but because the Ravens lost, I was too depressed and we had one meeting but one night, we got high and just watched the most recent Royal Rumble because it's on Peacock. It was

It was a lot of fun, man. It's a lot of fun. I can give you which ones are the best in order. Not that you asked for that. That's good. Because putting on old Royal Rumbles is one of the best. Everyone's hanging out. We're high and it's just on the background. You don't fully have to pay attention, but when something cool happens, I love the order. Yeah, for sure. I'm really going to write these down. It's perfect for ADD. Yes, yes. It's awesome. All right.

Well, play us a nice one to fucking take us home here, Elders. Hey, Stav. I have a quick question about dating. So for some context, I was in a long-term relationship for a really long time, and then before that went through like a...

You know, mostly a hoe phase. So I've never really done the dating thing. Like, I've never really been on apps. We're pro-hoe here. And then was in that for a long time. So I'm not, I'm a little nervous about getting started dating again. So my question is really, like, what sort of things do I, like, what red flags should I be looking out for? I feel like I'm a vulnerable person.

to just use bullshit because I really haven't tried to just like date. So I'd love your opinion on things to like look out for so I can try to find, you know, someone who's not a total fucking loser. Interesting. Interesting way to approach the whole thing. She definitely wants to date you, I can tell. Yeah. That's very flirty, that message. Yeah, I mean, where do you live? How big are your kids? No, they can be small. Um...

I do want to go on record. I do like small titties as well as big fat titties. Thank God you came out with that. We've been waiting. We've been waiting. So...

First time, what are the red flags to look for? Hmm, that's an interesting question. This woman's guard is up big time. You know, you're coming at it a little too defensive, I would say. I'm not saying it all should be about what you do, but I do think your approach is a little negative here, right?

It seems like... What do you want? It's weird to start with the negatives of what red flags should you be looking out for, that you're really vulnerable to dudes' bullshit because you haven't been out there. I would say one new trend, actually, to actually look out for is men who have been to therapy and have learned to weaponize the language against women.

That was a big one. The Jonah Hill? Yeah. Right. Yes. So talking about boundaries and shit like that and like, and knowing that like, there was a, there was a, there was a, the halcyon days of maybe 2016, 2017 when I was getting out of

I was getting out of a commitment with just therapy speak. You know what I mean? I've pulled that too. Yeah. I might just want to, I was an asshole. Yeah. Just the class. Face tattoo. Anybody with a face tattoo. I think that's a classic. That's a no. Although now it's turned around where I feel like some very gentle people have face tattoos. It depends. If it's like Knights of Templar or something, you gotta get away from that. If it's like a weird little, if it's like a little rose, that's mostly neck with a little face, you might be okay. If it's his daughter's face. No way. Yeah.

I don't have any tattoos but I would be very interested in a heavily tattooed woman no problem whatsoever oh yeah I love that man um

So I think, yeah, maybe somebody who appears to be in touch with his emotions, but is just using it as a smokescreen. I definitely talk about... I definitely will be like, yeah, I used to set the bar low. And honestly, I still kind of do where it's like, oh, I have fucking... Look, I have commitment issues. And it's like, just because you know it doesn't mean it's okay. But a lot of men will get away. Just knowing it is an improvement, I think. Yeah.

You know, what else in terms of general red flags?

I do think if you, you know, if you were, if you were in a long-term relationship, you missed, there's a, there's a big, I'm sure you know about it. There's the situationships. A lot of people are very like happy to be in like a four month, like you date someone for six months, but you hang out seven times in that six months kind of thing. Yeah. Where it's like, everyone kind of does have a roster these days. Like where it's like, you know, you pop in, you pop out, um, shout out to the gals on the team. Um,

So, and I'm happy to be, I'm happy to be like, You're happy to be part of the roster. I love being in someone's roster. Call me every six weeks. You're not a very jealous guy, not a very possessive guy. I'm not super, I mean, not right now, but I do think if I was in a serious relationship, I think there would, like, I would like to not. The Greek would come out. Oh, yes, I think so. I think there's a little bit of like, I'm just not engaged emotionally right now, so I'm not super jealous or like,

It is interesting because I've dated women who are in open relationships and it's like, it's almost like if that's the rules of engagement, if someone's like, hey, I have a fucking boyfriend or a fiance, but I'll fuck you. And I just know, oh, nothing ever is going to happen like serious between us, but we can, she can be a friend that I get to fuck.

I can accept that. But if it was like somebody, I was like, I want this to be my girlfriend. And then she's like, that's great. I also would like to fuck other people. I don't think I can accept that. Yeah. You know, because of the Greek, the villager comes out. The villager. The villager comes out. So, you know, I think that's some bit poly, you know, poly stuff in general. That's big. That's big out there. If you're not interested, if you're looking for a serious relationship. Yeah.

But I don't know. I can't imagine dating again. It would be a nightmare. It's weird to me when people get married and they're like, all right, now we have an open marriage. Because it's like, you don't have to date anymore. You're married. You found someone. And you're on Tinder? You were free. Why are you coming back here? Also, a thing that a woman wants to hear least is, I'm married, but my wife's cool with it. That's just a tumbleweed that goes across the pussy. Yeah.

But yeah, so there's definitely some red flags out there. But like, I also think approach it from a more positive perspective. Like, what do you want? What are you trying to look for? Like, there's nothing wrong with taking your time in a thing. Like, not everybody sucks and fucks immediately. You don't necessarily have to if you don't want to. You don't necessarily have to get more serious than you want to with anybody quickly. Like,

if you're feeling a little skittish, it's okay to like put your defenses up a little bit and like go on some date, you know, really get to know somebody before taking, making anything more serious where that means sleeping with someone or just, it means like spending the night at their place. Everybody has their own sliding scale of what you want. But, um, you know, that is the problem with dating. I mean, you are vulnerable. It is, that is a scary, scary part of it. And there's a lot of rejection, but, um,

I think more just think about what you want. Instead of thinking of what to defend yourself against, think about what you want and then think about is somebody giving you those things, right? And if they're not, get out of there. That, I think, is my biggest advice and something I...

I want to like, you know, I'm taking a little time to just kind of recenter. I feel like it's been a crazy couple of years and I'm all over the place emotionally. So I'm not immediately I'm not looking to date seriously. But like, I think at some point this year, I want to just be a person. I'm not going to be on the road. I'm going to be living. I'm going to spend a lot of time in New York and spend a lot of time in Baltimore. And when that happens, it's like I want to.

go at things with an open mind and actually give them a shot. But if it's feeling like it's not happening, there's nothing wrong with just cutting it off and not being in a weird limbo. So I think just being decisive and giving things a try. And then when it feels like they're not going to work, being decisive and moving on, there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with that. But you know, you're very, it's very off putting to be on a first date and feel like you're

at a job interview and like that, that you're way, you know, that that person is waiting for you to fuck up. And it's like, well, why am I on this thing anyway? It's already have all this against me. Right, right, right. Yeah. You don't want to be on, you don't want to be on the date looking for red flags to eliminate this guy. You want to be on the date being like, Ooh, that's cool. That's cool. That's cool. And then later on deciding, you know, making a decision of what, and look, sometimes you might get hurt. That's the other thing.

You're going to get hurt in dating. You just are. It's going to be bad. You're going to take a couple tough L's. Someone you really like that you felt...

Connection to, maybe they were a bit of a sociopath or maybe they didn't feel that connection or you're going to read some cues wrong. Somebody is going to read cues wrong from you. That's unfortunately part of it. Don't let your fear of that stop you from finding something really good is really what I'd say. And I've been guilty of that too. I've done that and I'm sort of projecting a little bit here maybe where I'm trying to

Sounds like you're relationship ready right now. I think I'm close. I'm trying to gear up. My life is more stable than it's ever been. It's like as fun as being on the road and sucking random titties has been, I think I'm ready to actually...

Like, I liked my last relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a home titty. A titty I can put an above-ground pool in the backyard of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A titty you can build on. Yeah, yeah. A foundational titty. That is true. I want a foundational titty to fucking build my life on top of. So, yeah. Good luck. Good luck, buddy. It's going to be tough, but I believe in you. All right.

I'm feeling good. Good for her. I think that's going to do it for us, Dan. Thanks for coming, brother. Thank you so much. Super fun. Yeah, man, I really appreciate you having me on. Go listen to the podcast and watch the special Dance Fatty Dance. Dance Fatty Dance. And we will talk to you guys next week. Bye-bye.