#65 - Jordan Jensen and Chloe Radcliffe
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Welcome everybody to Stobby's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Oh, we got Jordan Jensen, Chloe Radcliffe on the couch. How we doing? How we doing, gang? Jordan is, uh, it sounds like your life's going bad. You're even, like, I don't know, there's a sadness to you. Before you were, like, delusional the last time you've been, the last couple times you were here. It was like you were happy, but you were clearly lying to yourself. Now it seems like...

You've taken some truths. She's settled down. She's taken stock of her life and realized it's bad. These kinds of things. I don't like seeing you this defeated, but it is funny that you're spiraling, I guess. She bought a fucking puppy. Refreshing to have her feet on the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like to see you this humbled. I know. Well, it's just two sides. It's either I'm manic or depressed. I'm just in the depression right now. I'll turn back. Were you manic when you got the dog?

You know what? That's interesting because I did put some time into it. Like, I had over... I had, like, a couple... A week or so to make the decision. To, like, go through with the adoption. And then I fostered her and then I still... Wow. Wow. So are you saying you were manic that whole time? Yeah. Yeah. It was a long... You just made a bad decision? It's a bad decision. I made a horrible decision. I mean, I don't regret it because she rules and she's the best. And...

She's like somehow magically a very well-behaved animal. Okay. Magically. She is. Did you say she shits all over hotels? No, she's a puppy, so she's puppy training. She can't go outside, but she poops on one mat and pees on the other. Why can't she go outside? Because she has to get all of her Parvo shots, or else she'll get Parvo. What's Parvo? It's like a thing that kills puppies if they don't have it. Well, good thing you don't expose her to any weird elements. You just take her from city to city. Good thing you don't bring her to comedy clubs.

She lives in the dirtiest city in America. Like, the most toxins and shit you'll find. You live in New York, and then you take her. You just took her to San Diego. A nice short trip from New York. So fucked up. What, where, where... Did you fly with her? Yeah. Oh, okay. Did you have her cleared as a fake, like... Yeah. Oh, my God. That sucks. How much extra do you have to pay? She's an emotional support...

You don't have to pay anything because of the... It was so easy. That fucking sucks. To be honest... This is the most Republican thing that I believe that I have. I totally agree. That's so fake. And unless you're blind, you don't get one. Yeah. And you have to be super blind, by the way. Look at... You can't be like the kid from a fall. What is it? Who do I text this to? What's the number I text this to to throw it up? It doesn't matter. What? You want to text... Yeah. You want your puppy to get air time? Yeah. Text the eldest, I guess. Go ahead.

Oh, sorry. Maybe not on there. Look at how we woke up this morning. Can you give me your social security number? Wow, okay. Come on. A puppy cuddled you. Who gives a fuck? That's amazing. That's classic puppy behavior. Wait, yeah. Can I see? Yeah. Gals, I just want to interrupt for one second to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Chubby's, one of my favorite brands. I've been a Chubby's user for years.

I'm pumped to have them on the show. And in fact, we are introducing the Bunch of Wolves collection by Chubbies. Chubbies, find your inner wolf and put some shorts on him. At Chubbies.com. Go on. Yeah, no, totally. It was a rash decision. I just was sick of the city and I was sick of not having any of like the farm person in me and I was sick of loving everybody else's dog and not being able to have my own. And I realize now that it's a little bit abusive to bring her

on the road all the time and I'm probably going to have to get somebody to watch her which is pretty sad. You're literally like a teen mom that's like I need something to love. I need something that has to love me back. But it's a dog. Isn't it any dog's life good if you just play with it all the time? No. Not in New York City. It's this big. She's

How old is she? How big is she going to get? Just this big. She's tiny. That's as big as she gets? She gets this big. What kind of dog is it? She's a chihuahua cattle dog. That's going to be so annoying when he starts barking and shit. She's not barking. She rules. I'm telling you. She's not going to bark, but she does need to run. We ran today. We ran.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. This is boring. Who gives a fuck? No one cares. No one cares about your dog. It was a mistake that I made. Yeah. Sure, I decided. Why did you do it? You said you wanted to be celibate. I decided that I didn't want to have sex or date anybody ever again. I got a dog. It's been crazy. We went to the vet today. Not helping the white woman dog stereotype, by the way. Saying that back to back. Just externalizing anxiety about being alone. Yeah. That's awesome. And she can't leave me or call me fat. So I love her.

she did call me fat the other day because I rolled over on her little and she went and I was like oh wow to me that's awesome that's what you think that means you're getting fat all your issues are coming to bear right now why the celibacy Jordan

I just can't do it anymore. It's too much. It's too crazy. I can't. It's hurting me. It hurts. And I hate sex. I hate it. I mean, when are you going to admit you're a lesbian? That's really... I mean, this is fucking crazy. This is like, I hate...

I hate it. It hurts. She got a dog. I got a dog instead of sleeping with men. Yeah. And I love her. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be like one of the most predictable and like not even like no one's going to be, you're going to come out and people are going to be like, okay, about fucking time. It's going to happen. I did have a girl come out to a show recently who I had a crush on when I was younger. Oh, interesting. And she had the pheromone smell. Really? Yeah. She was very mad. Hooked up with a woman?

You had a crush on her when you were younger. Yeah. And she came and you, wait, you never, did you ever fuck girls? No, no, she was older than me and I had my little mall goth gloves on and she had a Batman hat and I would go to the coffee shop she worked at and be like, hi. So you have been attracted to women since you were a fat goth. And was she hitting on you at this show? No.

no, no, no. She was just coming to watch. But I hugged her and I compulsively was like, I had a crush on you as a kid. And she was like, okay, well, happy to be here. And,

I could date a masked woman. The problem is I'm masked. So you can't mask women don't want masked women. Masculine. Some might. Yeah, but you do. No. It doesn't happen. Okay, find me a masculine. Tig Notaro. I would date Tig Notaro. Okay, you're just saying you're a lesbian. This is crazy. That you think you're not gay. You think the phrase you just said was, I want women, but I like a masculine. I can't be gay. Like, that's such a classic. Is that right?

I mean, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you even talking about? Okay, but I don't like vaginas. I've tried going down on a girl and I didn't like it. It's freaked me out and it was gross. You have hooked up with a woman. Well, it was a threesome. Okay. And you didn't like just the going down? Did you like that? You didn't like that? Just hers? I didn't like the boobies. Did you like the situation, though? You do like the boobies? No, no boobies. What are you talking about? I didn't like the boobs. You like her boobs? Do you like dicks? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the problem. But my mom likes dicks and she's a big old dyke. She loves dicks. So another argument on... You're actually so hysterically gay. It's like not even... I'm not even gonna... It's just like... But any masculine woman we always think is gay. No, no, no. That's not true. What do you mean? My friend Jordan, who is clearly a lesbian, is who I think is gay. It's not any masked woman.

It's like the person I've gotten to know over the years who just said she was too depressed, she hated men, and she's going to just be celibate because it's too complicated. They freak me out with their penises coming at me. That's awesome. Whatever. I don't care. In 10 years, you're going to have a wife. Maybe you're right. I'm so right. This guy was sexualizing me the other day, like touching me. And I was like, stop. I'm not gay. You know what I mean? This guy was? Yeah. He was being intimate in a way that...

The only thing I'm attracted to is if somebody's not attracted to me. It can be man or a woman. This statue facing away from me, doing it for me. Yeah, okay, interesting. Whatever. You're going to have a loving gay relationship. That's the thing. This is my easiest call ever, is that all of this is projection. You say you're not attracted to people who give you attention because if you just admitted that you just want a woman to give you attention, you would say, like, oh, I'm gay, right?

I'll try it. It's just internalized homophobia. You want me to try it? I'll get on that. Yeah, 100%. I'll get on that. I'll go out with... I've been on a date with a woman. They get too sycophantic. They get too like, you're my boyfriend. And I'm like, that's because you just need a masked woman. You need an avoidant woman. Yeah, you need a man as a woman. Yeah.

They're out there. They're out there. We're going to make it happen right here. If you're a masked woman that'd like to eat Jordan's pussy and maybe kind of... I won't eat your pussy. Well, we'll see. We'll work up to it. You don't have to day one. You can just be the man in the relationship. Pillow princess. Yeah. That happens. That's out there. Yeah, I'll be a pillow princess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She goes down on you. See, that's perfect because that's the community you're hot enough to do that in. You know? It's like...

Yeah. Like for mask lesbians, you're the most feminist, feminine one. You know what I mean? Like in mask. I'm not going to eat out this bear. Exactly. Exactly. You're the bell of the mask ball. You're Cinderella. I like this. This is working for me now. Great. Great. I'm glad we fixed this problem. Great. This is awesome because we'd be having the exact same conversation with Ian if he was here. But Ian, you're just gay. Yeah.

I think Ian is straight. He just is. Okay. Tell you. That is a non-starter. We started by. And by the way, the reason this is a Patreon or not in a Patreon episode is to make Ian mad. I'm purely just. What's your argument that Ian is straight? Yeah.

How is that? He's going to see this and be so mad. I told him he could come on with Jordan, and then I just put Jordan on without him. It's awesome. With a woman. With a woman, yeah. Because Ian has sex with trans women who are very hot, very feminine, and he has sex with super feminine women, right? And men, though. Not only when he has to.

What are those? Someone has a gun to his mom's head and suck this black guy's dick and she gets it. I don't think that's ever happened. I don't think anyone's really put him in that much of a corner. Okay, then the other argument could be that he goes super feminine because he's gay, so he has to overcompensate. That's what you think? I think you just can't get a normal girl because no normal girls get a 80, 40-year-old who pees on pee pads. Okay.

Yes, I mean, certainly there's more problems with Ian than just that he's gay. That's really the least objectionable thing about him. No regular woman is going to... Regular, and I do mean that in the worst way possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No human woman is going to come over and be like...

Yeah, show me the toys collection that you have of Ghostbusters. It's not going to happen. They're not going to be okay with it. And also no gay men, which is why he can't fuck regular gay men. That's what I'm saying. He would fuck regular gay men if they were fine with show me the toys collection that you have. Yes, and you know what the problem with Ian is too? It's just normal people have too high of standards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not high. It's just a regular level. It's just the baseline. And Ian's big issue here is that trans acceptance is happening because it was kind of like a market inefficiency was that trans women weren't accepted by most of society. So if you just treated hot trans women as human beings, they would be like, this is the most romantic man alive. I don't care that he's wearing a bad brains cutoff right now.

And so, but as the community is just getting more accepted by more people, Ian now does, it's not, he's. He doesn't, he's not nearly as special. You can't be, you know, a short guy who's pretending he's not ugly. That's the other funniest part about Ian is that he's, he thinks he's hot in his soul. He thinks he's like a handsome guy. It's awesome. He's the man for that. I got to tip my hat. I got to tip my hat to him. But anyway, that's, you know, Ian's not here. We don't have to talk about him. We just got to call him gay real fast. Okay.

Huh? Did you orchestrate all this lavender and purple? You know, I didn't actually, but you're right. It's really crazy. Is purple your favorite color? It's not my favorite color, no. Wow. I got this. I bought a new phone and I just wanted to get a purple. I'm going raw to prove to people that I'm not a monster. Why? Wait, everybody.

This is the monster. This is the monster thing to do. I'm a fumbler and that I am a fuck up and I'm showing them. You're going to prove them wrong. And look at how broken your. Don't look at that. Don't look at it. Anyway, whatever. Don't test this theory. No, monster. No case is monster. No case is I have enough money to not need a case. Yeah.

I want to look like that. You want to look ass-monster? That's worse monster than cracked screen. You got to stop thinking. You got to stop caring about what other people think of you, Jordan. And you just got to let what you... I know. You're like, you're gay. I'm like, maybe I am gay. I'm like, changing everything. I'm like, maybe I should be looking for women. I mean, you are gay. That's true. I can't... How...

I hate everything that women say. Right. Yeah, I do. Same. I didn't say you're not a misogynist. I just said you want to fuck women. Okay. That actually means you're double. That actually proves my point if you find women annoying. Yeah, you're pals with men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you gay?

Do you think I am? Have you? Uh-uh. Really? Never. Uh-uh. Interesting. And I'm so uninterested. You'd like to. My life would be, I think, easier and better if I was. I'll be gay just to get booked more. I'll do it. Yeah. I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love clout, you know? Yeah. Pretend that's what it's for. Jordan's trying to get booked more, guys.

So when you see her, she's been married for eight years to a woman with my body type. Just know that it's because she's trying to get booked more when she opens up a rescue farm in New Hampshire with her fucking wife. I mean, I know exactly what your life is going to look like. You will 100% take in abused pit bulls and shit like that. Yeah, I do want that. And you're right, the idea of a man being there pisses me off. Get away from my dogs.

You're too aggressive with them. Coyote is going to be your entry point to lesbianism. Okay. When you just find, you find a woman who will, who is willing to come in and help you out. Yeah, I saw a hot guy at the vet today with a little dog and I walked in and I, his dog was beautiful. He was beautiful. And I, my first thought was, I was like, you're a fag.

But if it had been a woman, I would have been like, what's up? But the other problem is, yeah, my mom has the same problem. Women get too attached because she's the masculine one and then she gets grossed out by them and rejects them. And now she's alone with the dog, I mean with the cat. You can be avoidant with women.

It's that you're anxious with men, but you could be, I bet you could be like power position with a woman. I don't like the power position. I need daddy. I need a woman who will be daddy. There you go. Solved.

Yeah, like I said. I don't think you are. It's that you are less masked than you think you're. Here's the thing. You don't know shit, Jordan. You're dumb as shit. You're just a lesbian. Okay, let's just start there. You'll figure out everything else. You already got a dog. You shouldn't have gotten. We got a dog. Why are we trusting your judgment on any of this? Just go on a couple dates with, you know, a lady that's wearing like a bowling shirt. And then she'll move in immediately and then she can babysit the dog when I'm gone. There you go. Done and done. Okay. Perfect. Does your mom think you're gay?

My mom doesn't care about me. I mean, folks, there it is. Why she's a lesbian who needs a woman that doesn't pay attention to her. We thought it was daddy issues. Surprise. It's her weird sort of bisexual mom. Yeah. Like looks gay as hell, but is bisexual mom. That's the funniest kind of.

kind of guy to be honest. She'll just fuck anything, yeah. That's pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Your mom was born in the wrong era because she should be like a dirtbag they-them right now. Yeah, she would be. You know what I mean? She would be a dirtbag they-them with like weird spiky hair, giving a lot of different types of people chlamydia and bushwick right now. She came home one day and she's like, I want to change my name to Dylan. Ha ha ha ha ha.

That's fucking awesome. You are, I mean, honestly, for your parental situation, it is just crazy that you can do anything. Yeah. You know what I mean? I agree. Dead dad that knocked up a clear lesbian. Yeah. And then just had a, you know, and then you grew up on a weird lesbian farm. You're a fat goth that got molested. We covered that on a past Patreon episode. You were groomed by your PSAT tutor. There's...

You wanted to fuck the lady that worked at Auntie Anne's. We didn't even know that until right now. You're up against a lot, bro. You're up against a lot. So good for you for even being semi-useful as a human being. Yeah. If getting a dog is the biggest mistake you've ever made, you're actually right. We're actually pretty proud of you for that one. Put it all into that dog. So Noah, you know for sure, all dudes for you, huh, Chloe? Me?

Yeah. That's okay. She's a sex addict. Oh, interesting. Nice. They're a friend under the bus. I would say love addict. You're a sex addict. Love addict. I don't think it's sex. No. You had sex with a FedEx man. Not pen. You had sex with a FedEx man. Yeah. That's cool. I'm so mad about it. You're such a fucking prude. I'm so mad about it. That's cool. What happened? Okay. Someone's been on Gas Digital a little too much to whisper black like that. She won't come out as a lesbian.

Oh, my God. No lesbian's going to be okay with my racism. No, what are you talking about? There are plenty of racist lesbians out there. Really? Anyway, there's hope. You mean it?

Damn, Jordan, that's hilarious. So how does this happen? This is fun. That's a fun story. He just knocks on, and you literally just lived out a porno? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a lady who had sex at the delivery. Now, how does that start? So I was on a Zoom, and my desk was in the front bay window of my apartment, and he walked up, and he was motioning. He was like, it's for the upstairs, but they're not answering. And I was like, just leave it there.

And he goes, okay. It wasn't even your package. And he walked away. It wasn't my package. Didn't even get like a... Whoa. Didn't even get some Tupperware. It was in my package. Yeah, there you go. He walks away. And I turn to the... Oh, yeah.

It was before he... We were, like, through the window, and he... When he was like, it's for them, I was like, just leave it. And he mouthed, you're beautiful. And I went... And I, like... I was like, who, me? Did this? Because it was just one person on the Zoom, and I, like, knew him well enough that I could, like... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...

I was trying to impress this guy. Yeah, what do you think? All I want to do is start getting impressed. Anyway, I just want to seem, just want to appear fuckable because that is how I interpreted value. That is value. Yes, exactly. That is just your value. I want a little of that. It's just that I didn't. You should apply yourself a little more if that's what you're looking for. It's not. It ain't going too good right now, Jordan. You don't want your number. I could give you one. You wouldn't like it. Yeah.

So anyway. But that's only from a man's perspective. Right, right. But that's, again, we've covered she's attracted to women with my body for sure. A bitch that weighs as much as me with a polo on. You know what I mean? Cargo khakis. Yeah. Yeah.

With stuff in them? Oh, yeah. Dog treats? Yeah, dog treats and, like, little stuff for a plier. I don't know. And they don't like having sex that much. Wear a little newsboy cap. Yeah, they don't want to fuck that much. Exactly. This is your dream scenario. Anyway, can you... We're done with you. She's telling an interesting story. We don't need to go into more of Jordan's therapy. Okay.

The ball will come back to you eventually, Jordan. Can we talk to it? Can we hear something that happened that's weird? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough. What's my number? Huh? You really don't want to know right now. Is it four? Yeah. It's four. Yeah, let's say it's four, Jordan. Anyway. Okay.

Like, you're just coming at me. The way you are right now is tough, okay? That's all I'm saying. You've got, like, a sadness, but not a sadness I can take advantage of, which, you know, just a deep-rooted one. Like, there's just a lot of not going good. The hairs, you're oily. You were late, you know? You're clearly dumb because of that dog. I have a chubby chub. Yeah.

It's not good, Jordan. But yes. All right, Chloe. Yeah. You sucked a man's dick. Come on. Only once. This is interesting. So all he had to do was go, you're beautiful. He said you're beautiful. I'm guessing he's a piece of ass. There's no way he's not. He was hot. Yeah. I would say maybe the hottest person. Okay. Oh, cool. And...

he walked away. That was what it was. He walked away. I turned to the guy in the Zoom. I was like, that's crazy. He just, he looked through the window and said, you're beautiful. And I was like, oh, great. Guy in the Zoom was like, I don't even know that that's true. You might be like, like we were like laughing about it. And then a minute later, the FedEx guy comes back up the stoop and was pantomiming. He was like, I need a signature. And they're not answering. Can you come sign for it? Through the window. And I was like, okay, I have my AirPods in. So the guy on the Zoom heard all of this. I like went to the front door and

I asked the, I was like, oh, this is what happened. I was, I said, I can give you the upstairs neighbor's name because it's not for me. And he was like, no, you can give me your real name. I can just transfer it in the system or something. And I laughed and I was like, is this just a slick way of getting my name? That like came out. And when that came out of my mouth, I was like, oh, we're doing this. We're like, the ball is rolling down the hill in a way that I didn't expect it to. And he like blushed. He laughed and,

And then I told him my name. I asked his name. We were sort of like giggly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something's in the air. It was crazy. It's in the back of both people's minds. Like, we're not gonna fuck, right? Exactly. 100%. It was, I mean, it just felt so crazy. And I laughed and I then said, I said, I'm on a work Zoom right now. Yeah. And he was laughing and I was, and we, I don't know, we said like a couple other things. And then, um...

I can't remember whether I said... I think he said, when is your break? Or maybe I said, when is your break? One of us, whatever it was. But I think he for sure said, when is your break? And I was like, 20 minutes, because that was how long was left in the Zoom. And then he straight face goes, looks at his watch and he goes, so should I come back at two? And I was like, oh.

sure. Whoa. And then he, the straightest face I've ever had, he said, are you sure? Wow. And like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. Because at that point, it's like, you're not thinking. Yeah, of course. You're just talking. You're in the moment. You could think. You could think about the fear for your life or something bad happening. Now that is racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's a random man who's black. - Quiet down. - It's so funny. Everybody, people do, people constantly, when I tell this story, 'cause he then came back, he, like we hooked up three times. He rang my doorbell every day, every weekday for three months. - Yeah, yeah. Whoa. - Yeah, it was crazy. It got wild. - Okay. - But it was, it's very give a mouse a cookie, you know? - Of course, I mean, listen.

He's not wrong. If I ring a doorbell and the lady fucks me immediately, I'm ringing that doorbell a couple times. This is Pablo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're supposed to... Straight face like it's 3 a.m. Pussy, please. I'm ringing the pussy bell. It worked one time. It did work. I remember it worked. And then...

What am I doing differently this time? Maybe trying different patterns. He goes home, gets the same shorts he was wearing. Maybe this is it. Damn. And he, yeah, he like, I ended the Zoom early and I called my best friend out in L.A. and I was like, what's, I remember saying to my friend out in L.A.,

I was like, do you think I was so I mean, it's like I was like high on adrenaline. Yeah, of course. And I said to my friend on the phone, I said, I just made some coffee. Do you think we're just going to have coffee? And my friend was like, no, I think you're going to fuck a stranger. And I didn't know if he was really going to come back. And then the doorbell rang and I was like, I got to go. And I hung up.

Yeah. How did you get from door to sex? I'm going to guess immediately, right? Immediately? There's no like chitchat. We started making out right away. Really? But what was nice, he was like, we were both physically shaking. Well, the fact that he came back every day for three, like tells me he's not cool. No, no, he's not cool at all. He's so sweet.

Like I wound up getting to know him. Yeah. Not well, well, but like a couple of times because I was like, I cut it off.

three separate times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I moved. The only way it ended is that I moved. Oh my God. Now, was the move already in the works or was it motivated? Don't touch that cord like that while she tells his story. I'll just be like, really? He's taking notes. He's like, yeah, it was moved. Also, my new FedEx guy is ugly. Thank God. Yeah.

Hey, but he might be like a good listener, a nice personality, you know. Fall in love with an ugly man before. I know that I'm not shallow because this guy's the hottest guy I've ever seen. The less you know, the hotter they've been. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. She's banged, that goes. She's banged, that goes.

I have a very wide range. I would say I don't have like a type. You like Uggos. You love Uggos. I'm so sorry to everyone who I've ever met. Uggos. Nerds. Me too. I'd go for nerds. Yeah. No, I mean, I date hot guys. You date Uggos though. I don't think I date Uggos. Yeah. Jordan needs something. Let's give her this bone. I know who you fucked. You don't. I got one major connection.

Yeah. Yeah, there's some complaints. I'm sure, yeah. Okay, how about this? If you had to go with your three worsts, whose are worse, would you say? Hers. Oh, really? You got one really bad one, and then... I don't have many bad ones. No, you don't have many bad ones, but you also don't have as many as me. I have a lot of horrible people. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have worse people. What did that tutor look like? Oh. Yeah. That was a different situation. Yeah.

That was... I was very young. Okay, all right, all right. I had a blindfold on. Check out the Patreon with Maddie. And a gag in my mouth, and I was chained up. Check out the Patreon originally. Elders will flash the date it went on. Sign on to patreon.com slash stavisworld. Best deal in the show and entertainment, folks. Five bucks a month. You get extra... You get to hear Jordan's crazy childhood stories. Anyway, interesting. So...

So that is wild. Yeah, that is a crazy thing because this is... It's the coolest story I'll ever have. I will never have a better story than that. But what's funny, so after the first time, I was like, great, the lesson that I'm taking away here is never say no to novelty sex because the sex wasn't amazing. A ton of funny... I mean, it was crazy. Like, he came in and he...

He was so hot that he just kept saying... Also, how we dealt with our nervousness was very different. He talked 100 and I talked zero. And it was just... I was silent most of the time and he just could not stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really funny to be like... Saying crazy lines. To be being nervous while you're getting your dick sucked. It's like the nerves are over, pal. He has like first date... I just deliver packs.

- First date nerves, and it's like, but he's inside of you right now. That is hilarious. - Kept talking, kept talking. He also, but when he came in, we like started making out right away. And then he said, after a little while, he said, "Can I shower this dick off?"

Oh, wow. That's a fair question. I mean, he's a working man. He's a working man. You're being anti-blue collar. That's offensive. Can I shower this dick off? It's like, what do you got to shower off? You would have rather gotten a fucking UTI from him, probably. Yeah. You would have just shut your mouth. Oh, before he put it in you. Before. Oh, I thought after he pulled it out, I was like, can I shower this? No, no, no, no, no. Now that it's been in there, I need to. Yeah.

That's the kind of guy I'm dealing with. Hey, do you think you could cut my dick off now that it's been inside you? Can I shower this dick off? Can I shower this dick off? That's crazy. He has to take off his little FedEx uniform. He has a little skin gun. You're just putting the skin gun in your pussy? He's just like...

Like you're, oh, fuck. The little beep actually tickles your clit. The electromagnetic radiation. He does signature on it. Yeah. Wow. That's how he fingers me. Wait, every day he came back? Not every day.

After the first couple weeks, it was like every other... Every, like, two or three days that he would ring the doorbell. And then for three months, he rang the doorbell every single day. To the point that I was, like, hiding. Hiding, yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. And I never felt unsafe. People... Everybody's always like, didn't you feel unsafe? And, like, no, he's a sweet...

Moron. Sweet, sweet, sweet guy. Is he younger than you? He's nice. Yeah. That's cool. Now it's cool, huh? Well, yeah, because he's like a young boy. Sorry. He was like a young boy. You know, like a woman. Yeah. Yeah.

No, but it's cool for him. It's super cool for him. Are you kidding me? Yeah. No, totally. And the nice thing was... It's such a cool story for him, no disrespect. Oh, of course. It's just like for him, it's like... For you, it's like, yeah, come on in here, fuck me on your break. For him, it's like, God damn, for real? I'm the woman in her middle age who's smoking a cigarette, wearing a...

Feather boa. Yeah, that's awesome. Being like, yeah, come on in. No, that's... He will be beating off that on his deathbed. Yeah. That's a fun one. That's cool. And here, the... So I, like, finally cut it off. We, like, I... The time that I cut it off after a few times, I was like, come on in.

Because we hooked up a second time. The second time the lesson was don't try to recreate novelty sex. Right, right, right. It's never going to be. It's just going to be bad and the novelty is not going to be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then the third time I took more control and like told. I like. He had been doing like dirty slut dirty talk. And I was like none of that. That's not my thing. Interesting. The second I said none of the dirty slut dirty talk. Literally the next sentence out of his mouth was you're amazing. Yeah.

And I was like, I just watched a mid-20s guy brain go, she doesn't like bad, what does she like? She must like good. Yeah. You know? I don't care. But, and then it was like, I was just like, I don't want sex that lasts 12 minutes and comes as a surprise. Yeah. Because he wouldn't give me his contact information because he was cheating on his girlfriend. That's what it was. This guy's fucking awesome. Yeah.

This guy rocks. It's just Eagle Whip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. No, he probably is a piece of shit, but he is funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's funny though. Yeah. Wouldn't give you the contact info, but rings the door every day. Yeah, yeah.

And then we like. What a foolproof plan for him. Yeah. It is old fashioned. I kind of. You got to. Yeah. You used to be able to cheat a lot easier. This guy really is doing like the old milkman thing. Yeah. It's like. This is a throwback. Yeah. I asked him once. I said. I was like. I think I asked before we had sex the first time. Are you clean? Also we used a condom. Yeah. But then. No, no, no. No, we didn't use a condom.

- Whoa! Now you're cool again. Now it's back to your cool. Damn, no, God. I mean, listen. Let he who is not raw dog some questionable strange, cast the first condom. I'm not throwing it, all right? I've done some, I've taken some wild risks. - This is, yeah, it was a wild risk, but I remember asking, are you clean?

And then... That's when he has to shower his dick off? He thought you were being literal? It will be in one second. But the panic on his face, because when I was like, you are clean, right? And I watched the terror of if she's not and I take an STD back to my girlfriend, I was like, I know I'm fine. That was the insurance. I was like, great. Always fuck somebody who's cheating on your girlfriend. That's a real scumbag. You'll never get an STD.

Yeah, well, I don't know if that math is foolproof. It is foolproof. Show me how that could go wrong. Walk me through the scenario of that going wrong at all. Help me understand. I'm with you. Do you wear a condom every time you fuck a rando? I'd love to give you the answer. Yes. I have... I don't think I've worn a condom in... How old am I?

That's the thing. Yeah. Condoms are crazy. I don't have random sex though. I have sex with people that I'm intending on marrying most of the time. That's, what are you? I wish it was true. I can't have random sex. I can't. Intending on marrying? Yeah. If I like have a big crush on them and I'm like, I could see my life with them. I fantasize about them and then I have sex with them.

A woman claiming she's not a lesbian when that's what... That's like a Victorian lesbian, like, fantasy. It's like... Yeah, the first, the second date is just a chapel. Yeah. I mean, I... Yes, I have definitely... I definitely had a stretch that I can't believe I came out of unscathed. But I'm good now. I'm a responsible boy. I also think I have... This story is not typical for me. Right. Like, I think this story makes me sound... No, Columbia...

I mean, I... Whoa, the rare white woman going to Columbia for cock. Wow, it's usually... You're a passport... Yeah, but I hooked up with a German guy. Oh, okay, all right. Okay, all right, all right, all right. The passport... Yeah, there's no passport chicks. It's all passport bros.

But she's on vacation, for Christ's sake. Who's going to use a condom on vacation? It's a vacation away from things like sex. You have so many issues, it's insane. That's why you're this weird. It's like so many things fighting to create a person. A vacation away from sex. On your perfect vacation, you're not getting dicked down. It's also not like you're having so much sex that you need a vacation from it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not getting dicked down.

Go on the beach, suck my pussy in salt water so it snaps back from all the sex I'm having.

What, you just hook up with a random guy in Columbia? Is this her story? In a hostel. A hostel. I mean, that's all par for the course. Can I say? You can bleep it out if you don't want to. Or we can not say. Whatever you want. I mean, say it. It's just about a person who... Okay. It's not bad. Who cares? We can bleep it out. She just was on a trip with a friend who...

Was not happy that she was getting dicked out. Right. And she wasn't. And then she made Chloe go on like the next day. I was hungover the next morning and the person I was on the trip with made me go on a hike that we had gone on the day before. Oh my God. Made me just repeat the hike. Just punitive. While I was hungover. Because she didn't fuck. That's the most woman thing I've ever heard in my life. That's fucked up. Oh, you don't want to go on the hike? I thought we were in this together. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. That sucks. That is fucking hilarious. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, look, our condom's great, especially when you have a subpar penis that doesn't need another obstacle to stay hard. I'll tell you that much. No, but sometimes you got to persevere, you know? Oh, yeah, you should. Everybody should. Can you persevere? Doesn't it just create like a... I just have never... I think I might have used one twice. Yeah.

I can't. Yeah, they're a nightmare. They're a nightmare. They also, the smell is the worst thing in the world. It's not good. Immediate yeast problem, just knocking my pH off. It's just not. Interesting. They do need to improve the technology. And listen, I'm using, I've said it before, the thinnest ones the law will allow to still be called a condom. I'm using just the most translucent ones.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, whatever can legally, the thinnest something can legally be and be called the condom. I'm using that. Yeah. But still, you know, we're, I guess you don't, you know, you shouldn't get diseases and all that kind of stuff. But they do suck. And then if somebody lets you fuck with that one once, you can't go back. Yeah, you can't go back. You can't go back. Yeah. Yeah.

You can't go back. That was so... I was dating someone that's like... We had been raw dogging and then I guess she started seeing... Because it was... I guess she thought we might have been dating... Like we were going to date or something and I was just like, no, I don't know.

About all that. Which, in hindsight, I should have. She was actually great. And then it's very funny to be demoted to condom sex. Did you demote her? I got demoted. No, she was like, we should probably use a condom from now on. And I was like, ah, fuck. That sucks. It is weird to have to... And I stuck around for a while. Which actually just feels a little punitive. I mean, it's fine on her, but it does feel a little punitive, right? Because it's like, what's the point...

Is it that she was like, if I get pregnant... Because she was trying to be like, because I'm fucking other people. It was that. It was more of a like, hey, I'm fucking other people type thing. I mean, I want to... She was. Really? I mean, only one other guy. And then... She would call me while she was... She was right to want to call... I'll put it that way. She was like... That's the thing. It's like, before it was a different guy. It was like...

I guess she was cool to be a risk taker. Right, you were getting away with murder. Because if someone was going to give someone something, it was going to be me, you know what I mean? It's also always men giving women something. It's so much easier for women to get STDs from... Really? Yeah, it's so much harder for men to get STDs. Yeah. Because there's just less places for it to live. Oh, yeah, the gooey parts. Yeah, if you unfolded a pussy, it would be like...

so long all the skin all the skin if you just like if you like filleted like a fucking he actually wraps around the world two full times all of the labials yeah yeah yeah absolutely we just unfurl and have each disease like botanically there's a lot of space for disease there but you know what are you gonna do but luckily I've never I'm clean never you ever have anything eldest

I'm clean. Peerless ass dick. Proudly, yeah. Proudly clean. I had molluscum contagiosum once. What's that? Molluscum? It sounds like a Harry Potter spell, but it's like... No, it sounds like something that happened to you. Oh, yeah. It's a really good guy, and he comes over and plays games.

It's like itchy bumps on your pubis mound. And they itch so bad. And the lady was like, do you want me to burn them off or freeze them off? And I was like, I want you to burn them off. And it was, to this day, the best feeling in the world is getting those burned off. Getting your pussy bumps singed off? They itch so bad. And she just, oh.

What? What is that? You could hear them die. Is it an STD? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it an STD? No, kids get it too. Yeah, that sounds like just like a bacterial infection. A rash. It's like an itchy, I don't know. Look it up. Molluscum condensium. Did you have to shave first? Did she burn the hair too? Good question. You probably had to shave. I don't know. She might have shaved me.

I wonder if she ate that. Tough day at the office. Yeah. It was itchy. I still have a scar right above my clitoris from where she... There was one really itchy one and she dumped the bottle and I was like, I need more of that. What do you do? What do you burn? Flesh.

No, no, no, but what is it? It's a dropper. Of what? Of acid? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Didn't they burn... You had some... Do you have a wart or something? No, I had a yeast infection that looked like some shit. In your dick? Like on my dickhead, under my foreskin. Yeah, we're uncirced over here. Oh, you're uncirced. Oh, you're uncirced this way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're members of the foreskins. Yeah, I had that shit. They just gave me antibiotics. That's how you got something singed off, no?

Never? Singed off my dick? I don't know. I had a wart on my leg that they fucking froze off. Didn't you say it smelled like fucking bacon or some shit? Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't remember. Somebody else maybe told me this story. Another fat friend of mine might have told me this story. They're just roasting the fat. That's what you're smelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when you cook like a pork shoulder. You feel it rendering off. Yeah. That is what people say.

That's the only thing I've had. You've never had anything? You're such a whore. Eating people? No, I've never...

I've never had anything. Really? Never had anything. Wow. But it's because I fuck losers who are only in love with me. I self-select into people who are like, you are the most interesting thing I've ever met in my life, and I don't care about anything else. You are my sole focus. So I've never... So that's why you're saying you're a love addict, not a sex addict. Because I...

I also like, you know, I have cheated a ton. I have a whole fucking solo show about it. Big cheater, huh? Big cheater. That's why I won't reveal the FedEx man's name. Yes. Honor amongst thieves. I'm not a bad person. Yeah, you think I'm going to sell one of my own kind?

kind. We're anti-snitching around here. Thank you. You absolutely are behaving the right way as far as I'm concerned. No, but like in cheating, I drew the line before penetrative sex constantly. Like I never... One time I crossed the line. Oh, so what would you consider? Oh, I mean, we would be naked. We would have oral sex. I'm not saying like I haven't done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, never in my, not never, but not in murder and cheating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anal and cheating. Anal and cheating. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's just punching yourself. That's a wild move. So bad. So, so, so bad. We can have anal sex and you can have one of my hands. Yeah. You can also take one of those off. Yeah, Jesus. And you can hurt me for a while. Oh, interesting. The cheating and the love addiction is an interesting combo.

They're just losers that won't do anything about it? Or you just find somebody that's like... It's just doing the drug of... It's just feeling somebody go, oh my God, you're incredible. Right, right, right. And I just am her boyfriend in relationships. We're the opposite. I'm always the guy who's like, I'm obsessed with you. And they're like, I'm fucking four other guys. I saw her solo show and at the end of it, everybody was clapping and I was like, I don't like you.

I don't think we can be friends anymore. It is good though. This whole show is so good. It's really good. Thank you. But the amount of, I've dragged, I've like made her sit with me for four hours while I've been like, just explain what would make you do these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am the people you fuck. I am the avoidance. You are the anxious. And you are the people I, like you. I'm the simp bitch. Right. I'm the ugly simp bitch who's like, you think that you would love me when your thoughts were active? Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, you find somebody, if you find somebody who's like, you're the best I'm ever going to do, that is the bread and butter to your sociopathic punishment. That is a latch. It feels so intense.

That's so incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucked up. It's bad. It's not good. It's not a good... I'm working on myself. I'm trying to be better. But yeah, I mean, that's also... That's how you maintain the power position is you just date somebody. That is a type of insecurity, though, for sure. 100%. Because you don't want to ever have to stand on your merits. Oh, yeah. You don't ever want to have to risk rejection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why... Cheating is the safety blanket because it's like... I remember being in college and I had a long distance... I had two long distance boyfriends back to back. Nice. And...

it was like, so I would go to a party and really what I wanted to do is like go to a party in college and feel like popular and attractive and whatever. But I was weird. I like, I weighed a lot more. I was competing in college speech and debate every single weekend. Like I was a big fucking loser. You have a big birthmark on your face. I have a giant thing on my face. That thing is still on your face. Yeah. I have a thing on my face that looks like a dead hamster. Like I, this is how I walk. I like you describing everything except for it. Yeah. Anyway, the whole thing makes sense.

I'm a little weird. There's like stuff on. I won't get into it. This is where I forget that I have it. I forget too. I forget too. But also it is like, yeah, it shapes every single interaction I've ever had in my entire life. And so it's like... Do you feel it's a big win for the birthmark on face community to be getting this much dick? That you're doing it? I'm doing it for my people. You're doing it for the people? Yeah. Sucking off strangers. This could be you, little girl with a fucked up face. Men will...

have a weird face. They'll let you put your mouth on their cock. All you have to do is ask. That's beautiful, man. That's beautiful. When they can't look at your face, they will be fine with it. That's the kind of... That's nice glass ceiling breaking right there. Thank you. Yeah. Sorry. So in college...

Oh, that's the safety blanket is that I would like, I really just wanted to go to a party and make out with somebody, but I would, but I was too insecure. So I'd go to, I was in a long distance relationship. I would go to a party. I would, and then I would like flirt with somebody. And if they liked me back and we made out, then it was like, awesome. This is the thing I want.

And if they didn't, then I was like, well, that's fine. I'm not even supposed to be flirting with you because I have a boyfriend. It's the perfect insurance. It's just nice to hear that from a woman. There's no better system. Yeah, yeah. I know plenty of... We were actually just talking about this, how that is one of the... Like, I've never felt more like I could fuck more women than when I had the support of a loving woman in my life. You know what I mean? Where I'm like...

And I didn't do it. Jordan, I didn't. Here's the thing. Not everyone's a scumbag. You know what I mean? But a lot more than

more than they admit are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm going to ask you directly. Every guy cheats, though, I'm finding out. No, no. I think every person cheats. I think so many fucking people cheat. I don't cheat. Women don't cheat. Women definitely cheat. What? My most common reaction, when I tell women I've cheated in almost every relationship, not every single one, but almost every, the...

But far and away the most common reaction that women have is, oh yeah, me too. Well, every single one is kind of... Like, I would definitely assume that everyone has cheated...

And listen, I haven't cheated the way like, yeah, technically Amazon pays their taxes. You know what I mean? Like, I haven't cheated because we weren't dating. You know what I mean? Like, it was like, I fucked like three girls. I'm like, all right, ready to be official. You know what I mean? Like, it's bullshit. But yeah, but I broke up with a guy on the phone. And then while my dick was pushed up. Well, your dick. Well, there we go, folks. Maybe she's even trans. Maybe lesbian is not far enough. Maybe she's actually trans. Yeah.

In two years, I'm just blowing you in. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's been in front of us the whole time. Holy shit. Once you become a guy, then you guys get married. He is just jerking my dick.

Holy shit. That's beautiful. Anyway, sorry. But this is interesting, though. Every relationship is... Because I would have guessed that in, like, there would have been a couple that, like, everyone's cheated, like, has been lying about cheating in general. But every relationship does seem... That actually even surprised me, who was... I'm no prude here, right? Like, that is kind of shocking. Shocking for me or shocking to hear that a lot of women are like that? Both, I guess. I mean, for me...

for me, it's like, I just, this is my maladaptive coping mechanism. Like, I don't drink very much. I don't, like, I like drugs, but I don't do very many drugs. Like, I'm so able to not lean into substances. I'm so, there's so many bad habits that I, or like, like coping mechanisms that happen to not do it for me. This is my thing in the way that people who are like,

oh yeah, I haven't cheated or like I cheated once, but whatever. And that they can walk away from that, but then like cannot walk away from alcohol or whatever. But, but no, but I will say that like the amount of women who are like, I've cheated in almost every relationship I've ever, it's so common. I believe it because I mean, I also think that,

Especially if you're like constantly, someone's constantly trying to fuck you if you're a hot woman. I could see where you're just like, you know, just sorry. Jordan, I'm kind of talking to Chloe right now. I'm trying to actually have a conversation with someone that relates to this. If you're a hot woman, I just looked at William and was like, oh, shit.

You are the dog that has been shamed. No. Matt. Not for you. But all my cheating was before. I lost a bunch of... I lost like 40 pounds about like two and a half years ago. And that's... All my cheating was before. My cheating was when I was heavier. For the plus size and the face and the face and the face community. It's like you're doing it for both. She's always had these though. They used to be so much better.

You used to be huge. You've always been hot. Even when you were heavy, it was like proportionate. You know what I mean? You've been a hot girl forever. I don't think I've been a hot girl forever, but I think I've been like... You carry yourself well. I carry myself like a sloth. Yeah. Yeah, again. Jordan, you're not the... Sorry. You're fucking up the flow of this conversation. You're right. But still, what happened? But it is... No, I just think it's also like my definition of... Yeah. But...

Yeah, even if you had these, you wouldn't. How would you carry yourself with these? There's no way. That would be such a waste of big tits if you had them. That would piss me off. I'd be like, give these tits to someone else, Jordan. You're wasting them. You're sipping them up. I would get them removed. I would. I've thought about it. My big tits, they get you. You might have to leave if you keep talking. It's one of those.

The bit is going to end and I'm just going to get pissed off. Would you be one of the people who wouldn't wear a bra and would wear a sweatshirt? Would let your tits just hang and wear sweatshirts? Like a greyhound dog? Yeah. I would bind them, I think. Yeah. Interesting. That sucks. Yeah. But anyway. Interesting. That sucks. Noted, unfortunately. Put another one in the file. Fuck you for making me imagine that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you for making me imagine your face. You're like...

theoretical big tits not getting shown off. - Fuck you for making the one thing that would be good at it. The only thing that could be added. - Let me have something. - We have something that doesn't exist. - Let's get you up to five. - Which is a bump of two steps, actually.

Yeah, interesting. But what you're saying is like you cheated before, but you're trying to get off cheating basically. Is that what you're saying? I mean, truly. It could be a youth thing too. I could definitely see like, especially if you're like younger, you want validation. And also, are these even good relationships? Like there's a lot of stuff going on here. Oh, there's so much going on. But I could definitely see a bunch of young. But it is funny because you say that and then my inner like red pill. I'm like, fuck.

they're a horse. You know what I mean? Like you say that and like, I can't even help it. I hear that and I'm like, what the, every, every relationship, you know what I mean? But, and like, also when I'm saying this, it's also sample size is not like, you know, these are people that come up to you and stuff. It's not like you're doing the census. No, she's bad. What,

What do you mean? Is that what you're saying? No, I'm saying it's not that meant in the grand scheme of things. Like if somebody, if there's somebody who I wind up engaging in a conversation with cheating about, that's probably a person who's a cheater. But I would say no. I am like pretty, I've always been open about cheating with like...

stranger level people. Like my boss, when I was 22, I worked a corporate job. Before I did stand up, I worked at Target headquarters and my boss at Target headquarters knew that I had a history of dating. Like I've always been open about it. That's so funny. It'd be just some girl at Target, some fat 22 year old who's like, yeah, I suck dick on the side. I mean, it's so crazy. Yeah.

Like, how does that come up? It's so stupid. Fucking work, that's awesome. No, I get it. Yeah, people come up to you, like, cheating. Like, they come up to me, and they're like, I also want to kill myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And nobody says that to me. Nobody comes up to me and it's like... Everybody says to me, don't kill yourself. I hear that so much. I hear that. I did a meet and greet recently, and they'd be like, don't kill yourself, don't kill yourself. It was a good game, but don't kill yourself. Good game, good game. That's so fucking funny.

Interesting, interesting. Huh. Well, you know, I would love to see some real numbers on that. I just think it's the same across men and women. Like, I don't think... Like, the reaction of, like, the women are whores, which is the, like... That's just...

how we are taught to view women as submissive. That's fair. That's it. Men cheat exactly the same amount. More, if not more. Well, see, I guess what's really shocking about it is that I definitely think a lot of people cheat, right? And even men. But if you told me every guy has cheated in some... It just doesn't track with the people I know. I agree. Every guy you know has cheated.

has cheated? No. Who hasn't? He hasn't. Okay, the one guy you see all day. Yeah, yeah. The one guy who you have eyes on. But no, like my friends growing up, like definitely people I know growing up, I would say, and even if they cheated, they didn't cheat in every relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, but like when I'm saying the most common reaction I get, I'm not saying 100% of women say that. Right, right, right.

But that it is... There's a small but vocal minority. These sluts are going to find you after the show to be like, I've done what you've done. You know what I mean? No, but it's like a stranger at a party and I'm just open about it in a way that... And I am open about it because I think that so many people have this experience. Also, I want to be clear. I'm not saying every woman has cheated. I'm not saying every man has cheated. Yes, yes, yes. But I do think that more than...

- Than let on? - I think way more than let on. But I think that like the majority of people have cheated. Also my definition of cheating is not like having a second family. To me, I'm like cheating is making somebody feel safe and then pulling the rug out from under them. Like I count an emotional affair as cheating for sure. But like- - I guess you're right. I'm thinking straight up like dick suck or more. - Like dick suck in the broom closet. - That's cheating to me. - I've done that.

Okay. While my boyfriend was at the party, I sucked a dick in a closet. Whoa, what the fuck? What was this? I was very mad at him. And you think cheaters are unforgivable. Well, the guy's dick wouldn't get hard. Oh, that's so funny. That still counts? Still counts. Sorry, you used up your cheating token on a dud. That's no one's fault but yours. Yeah. That was so awful. I knew it at the time. I was like, your dick has to get hard. I can't get back at this guy if you have a soft dick.

It sucks. You just got owned twice. Yeah, that's just getting back at yourself. It was so bad. I think the guy I was dating was like, I want to go on a break. And I was like, oh, yeah? So then I went into the closet and tried to suck a flaccid dick and was like, everybody hates me. You just grabbed a random man at the party. Who was this guy? I don't know. I was blacked out. Oh, hell yeah.

It's like getting a limp ass dick. That's awesome. I should be saying. It might have been my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, you weren't sure. Impossible to say. I just mean, I just think that like a lot of people have cheated and I think that women cheat exactly the same amount as men. Yes, yes, yes. I think men cheat exactly the same amount as women. I think it's like

I think people stray all the time and don't admit it and don't. Right. And, like, and justify it and keep it secret. And I think that... I think you're right about that, yeah. The idea that there's any... To me, though, like, there's no joke to this, but it's like, if we wanted it to stop, we would want people to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cheating isn't, like, a... I don't think it's a sexual prowess thing like we think of. I think it is, like, an overeating thing. It's like... Definitely. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, if you can't say no, you just will cheat. Yeah.

Definitely. Oh, yeah. Or if you learned. Yeah, it's like if you learn. I learned that it was that I could get away with it and that that was easier than ending the relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That I could definitely. Wow. That got to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I definitely think now. What do you now? What were you saying about whores?

Well, I didn't... I'm not taking that back. I just... That's how they think. You're just letting me know how they think so I'm armed in my war against them. She's made me red pill too. But no, I guess the... That always has been...

I've always looked at it, I'm not even just saying this to shit on you, but it's like, cheating also is kind of, serves as the coward's way out of a relationship. 100%. Sometimes where it's like, I don't want to have this conversation, I'm going to fuck somebody up. You're just dead-ending yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also like, I was never found out, I was only ever found out once. Damn. Had a lot of options. How'd that feel? Being found out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh,

scary, but then at the end of the conversation, he said he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Oh my God. Yeah. Which is the ultimate win for you. Which is the ultimate win. I see the blind social act issue. Men who are like, you're the best thing I've ever, yeah, yeah. The game's rigged. You play a rigged game every time. It's rigged. Totally. And I don't mean that, again, I don't say this to say, I am like, I'm trying to be better. Totally, totally. The fact that I'm trying to talk about this so openly is because I'm,

I'm trying to investigate this. To Chloe's boyfriend, she's doing a lot better. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. It's all good. Nope. Hasn't ordered anything from Amazon in weeks. Yeah, this guy's like, I'll stay for the pack. Why don't you just get them delivered to my place, got a doorman building. It's a little safer that way.

And I'm like, you think I can't, you think I can't then find a delivery? I'm like an Uber Eats guy. My standards are low. No, that totally makes sense. That's interesting. I mean, I've definitely thought about it because I have, and when I'm in a full-on relationship relationship, I never have, but I've been so tempted. Like, I know that's in me. And it's also this fuck up, like my dad cheated. It's like, that's fucked up, like,

You do tend to recreate all that kind of shit. So it's like, was there any cheaters in your family? No. But my parents were like weird loners. I've always been a weird loner. They're weird loners. They got divorced or what? They were never married. Oh, they were never married. Okay. Never married. Split up when I was a baby. Poor and a bastard. Yeah. Come on, drag on the fight. What do you think this is but the mark? Yeah. Yeah.

That's when the devil tried to drag her back to hell. Just so everybody knows, don't go near this one. Danger. Oh, interesting. That is fascinating. My parents were both serial cheaters and now I'm a simp little bitch. I think it's like, yes, you maybe recreate patterns, but to me, the pattern that I'm recreating is I...

I, my, my dad, I remember my dad teaching me when I was really little that the most powerful, my dad was a lawyer and he said the most powerful position in any negotiation is the total willingness to walk away at any moment. Like anytime you have to be willing to walk away until the ink is dry on the contract. And when I look back and was like, oh, he taught me that when I was like little, little, little kid. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's true. And it's true. And it's 100% true in negotiation, but it's also like-

I learned like protect myself at all. Like always be okay with the bottom falling out at any fucking moment. Eye on the exits all the time. Have a trap door every single moment. Yes. Never be afraid to walk away if you feel the heat around the corner. Yes. Robert De Niro heat. But your trap door is just dicks.

No, no, no. My trap door is you can break up with me tomorrow and I'm fine. If the guy you're dating now broke up with you tomorrow. Oh, devastated. And that's good. And it's because I'm like... But also that's because we're like... He's like, I want to know. If you flirt with somebody, please tell me. Whoa. And then I'm like...

I flirted with somebody and I didn't tell him and I felt guilty for the first time in my fucking life. And it's like, oh, it's just, I just needed somebody to be like, yeah, I want to know. To hold you to basic standards? Not only to hold me, no, but to like. Wouldn't the other guys want to know? What are you talking about? No. No.

But they wouldn't want you to do it. They wouldn't want you to do it, but they wouldn't want to know. He says, I don't mind if you flirt with people, but tell me. Yeah. Oh, oh, okay. So he's okay with you flirting with people. And that he's like, if you did something more, I don't want that. That's not in our agreement. But like, would much rather know that you crossed the line than not. So every time you call him, he just has to be prepared for it to be like, I flirted with somebody. He does sometimes. He's like, have you cheated on me? And I...

terrible liar. I'm good at obfuscating. I'm good at like around the corner. But I'm a dog shit straight liar. And I hate to keep secrets. I hate, I truly, truly, truly, it's funny that I picked the thing, like, but that's why I've always told people that I cheat. Because I'm bad at keeping secrets. Right, right, right. Interesting. And so, if people would just have been asking and

ever I would have been caught the whole time it's not that though because you clearly have picked a guy who it's not that he wants to know it's that it would matter you're not operating from that position of power that your dad told you that's the difference here it's there's no other it's not a communication thing those guys technically they wouldn't want to know but yes

It's like they just wouldn't they wanted you to not do it. It's not that they didn't want to know. You know what I mean? Like, like, I feel like it's the same thing with this guy. It's not like, please, please, please, please, please. Right, right, right, right. Well, this guy's like, tell me and then I will act accordingly. Yeah, it's not like he's like, yeah, go fuck whoever. It's not like he's some weird open guy. It's that like, you know, you just happen to respect this person. I found somebody. A friend of mine was like, you found somebody who you really like.

In a way that in the past, what I have liked about, and also this is not to denigrate every ex I've ever had, because I've dated some wonderful people. Some wonderful, ugly people. Some comics that might watch this podcast. We know what you're saying. We know what you're saying. But I, no, he won't, but his friends might. No, no, no, but like, but that I, in the past, in so many, that was the one, that was the closest, the one comic is the closest that I've ever had to a healthy relationship before this.

But what I have liked about people I have dated is how much they liked me. I hate that I am this person. I know I'm this person. I've been in so many relationships where I've heard them be like, I do love that you love me. That's so crazy. I know.

It's crazy that they would say that to you. I would never say that to somebody. I would lie to their face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it's like when the only metric is I want to be likable, then I lose all of my own, like there's no other, there's no do I actually like this person because what I like is that they like me and I'm just forming myself into a thing that they like. So it's this like terrible feedback loop. You usually don't do that for losers though. That's an interesting, you know, usually. I don't,

think I have I don't think that my exes have been like I don't mean losers I just mean I just mean like you usually that's that's behavior she would like that's usually the it's just interesting it's no but I don't think but I never had I never had enough confidence to think that I could that I could get somebody

I've always picked below my league. You date a loser and then you go fuck people that are outside of that realm. No, no, no, no. I never fucked. I cheated with losers too. Oh, that's fair. Keep it in the family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't. I have so few people who I'm like, I can like list the like three people and I don't think I had sex with most of them where I'm like, this is crazy that you like me. No, no, no. That's like a. You just venture away from that.

I can't even, it's like, it doesn't feel like real. It doesn't feel possible to me. I can't fuck that. The losers made me feel contaminated. New York is the thing that has made me feel like, oh, I could. And honestly, I think it's, I think it's birthmark shit. I think it's that in New York, my birthmark isn't weird. Or it's so much less weird than it was in the Midwest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's still weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it is. Don't let it get up. Come on, you got one. She's on the opportunity, Jordan. Yeah. No, no, it's weird. It's weird.

It looks like a tree. All right, well, listen, we've got, this is actually very interesting, but I think we've got, hopefully, Eldest, he can maybe queue up some cheating questions for us. I don't know if you have any. I don't. God damn it.

Anything even close. I have some adjacent. Let's get some adjacent questions going here. And anything you guys, you want to plug before the questions start? Here, we'll plug in the middle of the show. Sacramento, Boston, Appleton, Colorado. Nice, bro. Something else. Okay. A website they can find? Punchuplive.com slash Jordan Jensen. Punchuplive.com. Nice. Go there. If it comes out late Feb, okay.

I'll be doing this solo show. Cool. I'm doing this solo show in Los Angeles. Nice. February 19th, but this might be out by then, and March 4th. Okay. At Dynasty Typewriter. Okay, cool. And then in New York, those dates are still like... Up in the air. Yeah, up in the air. But look for them. But look for them. And then Vermont Comedy Club and Atlanta and Asheville. Nice. And that's all on... Hell yeah. Instagram, at Chloe Badcliffe. There you go, damn.

Like my last name. Mine is Jordan Jensen, LOL style. Oh, gals, quiet down again, for I have something important to tell you and our entire listenership. Chubbies is officially a sponsor of Stobbies World, and I have loved Chubbies for years. I've been drawn to the name, of course, as a plus-size man. They got stretchy, fun. You know my vibe. You know, I'm a fat guy, Hawaiian shirt, having a good time. One of the finest proprietors...

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And it's an interesting concept here, the bunch of wolves, because, you know, it's not every man you think there's two of them fighting, you know? One's a fucking bitch, she's a fucking nerd, awkward, doesn't want attention, but the other one's fucking awesome, wearing a leather jacket, doing fucking chin-ups.

hard under his jeans. And, you know, he's smoking a fucking clove cigarette, baby, yelling at the first wolf that he should talk to girls more. And they're fighting about it. And you'd think the cool one would beat up the little nerd, but no, because inside of both of them are two more wolves. And one's a bitch and one's awesome. And they're bitches and cool in different ways. You know? One's a fucking little crypto nerd. He's got a... He had 20 million dollars in, like, you know, pictures of fucking...

monkey skateboarding and shit like that. And now he lost it. And his bitch left him too. And then inside of him is a guy that actually is fucking that guy's ex. Because he's just a soul of the earth guy. Blue collar guy. Hangs out. Pays his child support. Gets pussy on the side. There's a lot of different wolves, you guys. It's not just two fucking wolves.

Do you get it? Fuck. The binary's restricting. There's two wolves. One's a badass. There's a lot of different types of wolves. We're, you know...

Inside of us, we can be a cool guy and we can be the most little dick bastard of all. And there's different variations. And that's the beauty. It all meshes together and it makes us, you know, the fucking alpha that we all are. Inside of you, there are many alphas and there are many bitch ass wolves as well. I fucking love chubbies, man.

I literally do, brother. You can go to my fucking pig swimsuit pictures for years since 20. I'm going to say you might even find a chubbies 2014 if you scroll all the way back far enough. My first Instagram that got banned, I was wearing chubbies.

I've been a wolf in many different ways. When I was smooth and toothless, I was a Chubby's connoisseur. Now, fat and hairy, a different wolf, I'm still a Chubby's connoisseur. I wore them as recently this summer when I went to Greece with Eldis. I wore them to my cousin's wedding. It was a chill wedding. So, go enjoy the Bunch of Wolves collection by Chubby's. Chubby's, find your inner wolf and put some shorts on him. At Chubby's.com. You fucking pussies.

All right, Elders, hit us with some fucking questions, pal. Stubbies. Nope. What's going on? Love the show. There it is. I've been trying to rack my brain thinking about what I want to ask you, but this has been heavy on my heart for a while. I'm not sure if I need to go to AA or not. I think that non-alcoholics don't think they're alcoholics. I don't know. Sometimes I'm walking down the street and I feel like,

I don't know, it's like a gunshot. I'm like, oh, God, like, the mental tear remembering some shit that I did. And, like, most recently, like, I don't feel like it's ruining my life. I just feel like it's holding me back. Yeah, you should go. And I keep getting, like, mental tear to this one instance of, like, kind of got a little too drunk on some Bush Light, and I...

I sucked his dick and then I threw up on it. And then I took his friend home. Took his friend home? And I don't feel good about it. Chloe, we told you to go home. I'm in a small home in Northern Canada. You ever turn up on a dick? Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah, me too. I've made myself feel like using a dick. Jordan's been like, when it comes out, she's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why isn't this a pussy? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I don't know what to do with a dick.

Yeah, I've thrown up at a dick.

Keep it going, Eld. I sucked a dude's dick and then I threw up on it. And then I took his friend home. Yeah. And I don't feel good about it. Sure. I'm in a small town like northern Canada. And I feel like I'm too big for this place. Sure. Classic. I just feel like maybe that's not the look I want to go for. Right. Yeah. I just don't know what to do. Do I go to AA? Yeah.

like do i need to chill out um but i'm also just having fun i'm 26 but it's like it's getting to that point in my life i'm like hey like i need to like simmer and focus on some things but yeah if you just have any advice like i know the answers are within and that kind of thing but um i figured maybe you could yeah you could help me out but thank you so much deuces all right

Yeah. So... You guys have any ideas? I have some thoughts, but I'd like to open the floor to you. I always think when people say, should I go to AA, they should have already been in AA. I mean, that's immediate. It's possible. Yeah, definitely. Just why not? Just go check it out. And she said it's weighing heavy on her heart. That's somebody who, like, killed a kid with a car. Go to AA. Also, the I'm just having fun, but she's like, sometimes I'm haunted by...

This isn't what I'm doing. But I'm just having fun. That doesn't sound that fun. That just doesn't sound fun. Yes, yes, yes. Also, there was a cackle in there that I was like, you need help. When she was like, everything's fine. I was like, okay, you gotta get in there. I just think that like, regardless of the alcohol stuff, I mean like, that can turn into a very bad habit or a very bad pattern that like, you gotta get on top of. Whether it's AA or whether you just manage it. But it just sounds like there's...

Like, she's sad about something that's not alcohol. Like, there is something underneath that. But that is also so often, like, connected, right? Where it's like, the substance stuff is, like, clearly some kind of coping mechanism. And look, she's 26, right? So this is a classic... Which means she's closer to the trauma than... Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like, this is a classic age where stuff... It's maybe even, I would say, a little early, but, like...

There is always that, like, you know, until you're basically, you know, 17 to 24 is pure party time. There's no, like, maybe even 23, like 24 is even like... Yeah. Like, she's exiting. This is the early onset of, like, oh, fuck, fuck.

The way, you can't really behave the way you behave from 18 to 23, 24 the rest of your life. And it feels like it's just starting to dawn on her. Like, 25, 26 is when the first batch of alcoholics reveal themselves, right? The ones that just keep going hard like it's college. Yeah. You know, like, and it's like. If you wake, this is how I do with food because I'm a food addict. If you wake up in the morning and you're like, what am I going to.

Well, for me, it's like, am I going to eat? What am I going to eat? How am I going to eat? How much am I going to eat? If you wake up and you're like, is today going to be a drinking day or not? And do I get to? Do I get to? Yeah. Then you're an addict. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chloe wakes up, am I going to cheat? Who am I going to fuck? Yeah. We've all got our addiction. If I've already done it, then I can do it as much as I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I broke once. Yeah, yeah. That's so true about the food. I never thought about that. It's so fucked up. I can't even do it. The days that are fucked up are the days where, like, today I was like...

What kind of bagel should I... I mean, I'm working all day. I mean, I should get a bagel. Yeah. You know, and then I have to order something. I don't have time to cook. I'm thinking about food 100% of the time. 100% of the time. But when it's health, like when I'm like actually planning my meals and shit, and like I don't think that way because it's just like, oh yeah, just... Yeah. It's within the flow of things. Totally. But it's so hard. It fucking sucks. Dick, I hate it. Who plans it? Do you plan it? When I do, yeah, it's me. Do you order? Yeah.

No, I just like, like when I, like I'm going back to Baltimore and just like, just I want to cook my own shit again just to kind of re-

feel like what actual food is and do it myself for a while. And then like, I might do some meal delivery stuff. I might do like some meal prep stuff, but... I'm thinking about doing meal prep stuff. I want to just do, become like a machine where I'm like, you're only allowed to have diesel 89. Yeah, yeah. But see, that's the problem. That's not healthy. That's not sustainable in the long term either. That's also disordered eating. Well, how am I supposed to get...

How are you supposed... You gotta choose one or the other if you're broken. I just have to... I have to wait until I'm... To me, it's if I eat before I'm hungry, then I'm... The rest of the day is fucked. Then I'm like, great, I can just keep eating when I'm not hungry. I can trick myself into thinking that I'm hungry. I can feel a feeling in my stomach that's excitement over food and be like, is that... Oh, man, I'm hungry. But I'm saying, like, I know that that's not... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like...

It would be really fun to stick my hand into this big gallon bag of like little heath bits right now and just sort of eat them. Do you have that on you? Don't even talk about that. What are you doing? Can I see that real quick? Can we use that for reference? Anyway. I've been eating within a window and binging the whole window just going. Is that healthier? No. No. Okay. But it allows me to binge and then I just cut it off.

I fucking love baby. You get the pain. Yeah. Yeah. Feels good. Yeah. Yeah. No, but this, the thing that made me think, say about her, like, yes, there's the like party habits and what did, you know, like, and now you're at the age where you're realizing like, Ooh, I've developed some, yeah, some patterns that I can't do. But it's when she was like, I feel like I'm too big for this place.

That says to me, like, oh, the person that you want to be is not the person you are. For sure. And...

Separate from party habits. Also, if you're getting wasted on Bud Light, that's tough. That's like a lot of beer. Also, especially if you do it all the time because your tolerance is pretty high, which means you've got to drink so much more. Shane drinks like 40 beers. Just to get a buzz going. He can drink as many light beers as you want. And if she's in that realm, that's tough for a 26-year-old. Fun realm, though. But that's the thing. Also, she's young enough where she wants to leave where she is. I mean, look.

It does feel like you have some kind of problem with alcohol. It does feel like it's something that you need to examine. Maybe go to AA. I don't know. You know, maybe, I don't know if there's other, like, programs or books and shit that you can read. I'm not sure. But yes, it does feel like you're having enough of a problem where, why don't you just do it? Why don't you just try? Just go on AA Zoom. That's the move. That's what I tell my alcoholic friends to do. AA Zoom. Turn the camera off. Turn the microphone off. Just listen. Just listen.

Helps. I didn't know about, I guess they started those because of the pandemic. I go to SLA's and SLA's sex and love addicts. Oh, she should come with me.

Never will? You think that's what you are? Well, I couldn't quit that relationship where he broke up with me once a week, remember? So then I started going to SLA. And that helps? Yeah. Really? Interesting. Yeah, because you have to report to your sponsor. Like, I found his hat and I sniffed it and I had to call my sponsor and be like, I sniffed. I sniffed. And she was like, what do you mean you sniffed? And I was like, I found a hat and I sniffed it. And she was like, that's okay. That's all right. Just get rid of that. That's more weird than a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You actually might not want to tell me this. Yeah. She's like, you might want to call your ex, actually. Because then he'll never get back together with you. Right. If you remind him how annoying you are, he'll continue. You might solve your own problem.

So yeah, I mean, I think it's worth you at least experimenting with it and like try staying a little sober, you know, whatever. Who amongst us hasn't thrown up on a dick and then sucked a guy, just sucked that dick's friend off? Brought a different guy home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying like try, it doesn't, if it's not AA, do therapy because there's something underneath. Ask like, what do you want to be?

Right, right, right. What'd you say? I said keep drinking, quit dick? Not everyone's a closeted homosexual. Jordan, that's not everyone's solution. Keep barfing on them then. Yeah. Also, you stick a dick in your mouth, you barf sometimes. Yeah.

I think it's more the dick. I think it's not really the barf. It's the sucking in the bathroom and then fucking a different guy same night. And not just a different guy, but like their friends. You know what I mean? Yeah. Hooking up with two people one night, that's cool in my book. Two friends, that is strange. You know, that gets back to them. It's weird. You know, whatever. You're stirring the turd. Yeah, yeah. But yes, I think you're right, Chloe, where it's like,

You got to figure some stuff out. It feels like you want to move out of your small northern Canada fucking town. That's one thing. And like, you know, the clock is kind of ticking. I mean, you're not old, but like that's 26 is right around the time I moved to New York. But I had been kind of setting things up for what you got to save. Like leaving a small town, you got to save some money. You got to have a plan. So it's like...

you, our friend here, she definitely has some... You have some stuff you want to do and it seems like your drinking probably is getting in the way, but you definitely should be working on yourself one way or the other. It's okay to get... You know, it's fun. It is fun to just be aimless for a while, but...

I think what she's feeling is the tendrils of realization are starting to get to her. Yeah. Of not feeling fulfilled, of not feeling satisfied. And I just keep harping on the same thing, but to me it's like way beyond the drinking. The lack of fulfillment is the thing that's going to keep the drinking going, is the thing that's going to keep any other dissatisfaction going. That, if you're not...

Keep drinking and start volunteering at an animal shelter. Right, right, right. Yeah, you got to get out of there. Yeah, this is a knock. You can't say northern Canada. What is this? Yeah, come on. You can't be in fucking Saskatchewan or whatever the fuck.

So yeah, deal with your shit. Go to a meeting. It doesn't mean that you're like doomed to never drink again. You're just feeling it out. Yeah. Meetings are fun. You meet people. You can meet a dick to suck. Who knows? That's not her problem. She seems like she's doing fine in that department. But yeah, good luck, pal. Work on yourself a little bit. Think about what we said here and, you know, whatever makes the most sense for you as a starting point. You can probably attack the problem for a couple different angles. Big Eldy, what else?

Hey, Scott and Elvis. I got an issue I could really use some help on. So I have a fiance now. We just got engaged. Madly in love. Really, like, everything is really good. But the one problem we have is I have a coworker who I admitted to my girlfriend. I'll admit.

that I meant to her, that I thought that my coworker was cute. After being pressed, I think I was acting a little weird about it. She just won't let it go. I mean... I was like, oh, oh, but you think she looked nice today, but do you think she's hot? And he's like, uh, I mean, she's just, I don't, you know, whatever. But no, no, I mean, she looked nice, but was she hot? Was she, what, cute at least? Would you say she's, I don't know. I mean, I can't, come on. She's cute, right? Yeah.

I mean, I guess she's... You fucking piece of shit. Like, it's so clearly that situation. Oh, that's so funny. And to me, I'm the exact opposite. I'm like, no, it's so clearly that he... Really? To me, this is... He's minimizing how he... Like, I don't think a fiancé...

This is I'm on the believe women side. I don't think a fiance gives a shit about the coworker if the man isn't giving the woman a reason to be suspicious. No, I've accused accused. Bro, I've

I've accused. I find out that the guy I'm dating works with a woman. And every relationship I've been in, I've been like, you're fucking her. And they're like, she's 65. 65. And I'm like, you're bang. All right. Well, listen to how he when he was like, I look and I admitted it to my. He wasn't like he wasn't like, yeah, there's a lady I work with. And sure, she looks fine. But my fucking crazy ass girlfriend is obsessed with her. I just wonder. He was like, Alex.

I'll admit it. I said she was cute. But where does it come up? But where, how does it, that seems insane to me. How does it come up that he like talks about her every day? You know, that he's like, that she's like, how was work? And he was like, oh, well, me and Laura had a really funny laugh over lunch or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see, I see. It's not, I don't think shit like this comes out of nowhere. What were you arguing? I was saying that it was like, the lady's crazy. I think it was a little mix of both. I think he got mad at me earlier. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not mad at you. No, no, no.

I think what happened... No, no, here's what I do think. I think you're right in that he let a little something too much slip that then caused the like... Sure. Oh, is she cute? You know what I mean? Like, yes, yes, yes. And it's very possible that she then can't let it drop. I can just see an idiot like this getting himself into like... Just arguing himself into a corner where he has to admit...

You never want to admit someone's... Anytime that's the question, it's like, well, is she hot? You're fucked. Like, what? If that's being asked... If you've said enough that the, is she hot, is critical information in this situation. And that she has a warrant for that question, if you've said enough for her to actually be able to ask that, you've made a fucking mistake to get yourself in that thing. That's why me and Jack broke up, though. That was the last straw, was I was like, do you think she's hot? And he was like, I'm not going to talk shit about her. And then he said...

She's too skinny. And I threw a bottle. I threw a bottle because I was like, oh, she is her pussy.

I got so mad and I threw the bottle and I think that, yeah, and we were like, we have to stop. Fun to hear Jordan's insecurities come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the toughest one. That's the toughest one to throw at you is too skinny. Too skinny? Nobody's too skinny. He's throwing me a corpse. I'll fuck it. That's not true. People are too skinny, but you just have body dysmorphia. You will never fuck a too fat girl, but you will fuck a too skinny girl. Admit it. Not necessarily. What?

First of all, I fuck plenty of fat girls. Okay? But I will say there is definitely a person who can be too skinny. What are you talking about? But the barometer is way higher.

Like, they have to be way too skinny, whereas they only have to be a little bit too fat. It's also just that... I don't know. Really? I don't know about that. Yeah. I think you're actually not giving fat people enough credit in terms of how many people want to fuck them. Who wants to fuck them? People want to fuck fat people. Fat girls? Yes. Jordan just goes, who wants to fuck them? Like, you have body dysmorphia. But that's the problem. People fuck fat girls, but they don't respect it. It's like...

Don't get me wrong. They don't like it. They don't treat them nicely. They're not enjoying themselves. But you think, they don't treat them nicely because of societal shit, not because of the one-on-one interactions. But the societal shit is also why the she's too skinny is the most painful thing for us to hear. Yes, yes, yes. It doesn't matter. It's totally, it's completely... For Jordan specifically. Oh, for Jordan.

Oh, for me too. I mean, it's the same thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's too skinny would be the absolute worst thing to hear. Yeah. Because it's, and I know that I'm saying that as a person who now I think people would describe me as skinny. And it's crazy because it's not how I feel. It's not how I see myself. And so I've stuck my hand in a gallon bag of Heath bits for the last 48 hours. You keep mentioning those and I would really like to see, I just want to double down that I don't believe you. If you have, can I see it right now? I will. I will.

I'll send you a picture of it from home. I picked it up from one of my free groups. Yeah, hell yeah. From an at-home baker got a bunch of like samples of, and she sent me home with a, yeah, no, no, I like, I biked to. Oh, you don't have it here. Well, podcast is over.

I was really looking forward to taking a handful. The move with this, I will answer it because I have been the girlfriend. You have to go like this. You have to go, I'm not. Wait, wait, wait. We haven't even finished. Let's finish the question, actually. Because we paused 40 seconds in. I was just going to do a little act out, but I would actually like to see what he has to say. Go ahead, Eldis. It was never something that meant anything. I think the reason I was acting weird about it is because

her to feel weird, but I wear my emotions on my shoulder, um, whatever you say. Um, and now it's been months and months we're engaged now. Like we were talking about buying a house, buying a family, but every time I'm out with my coworkers, which is rarely, frankly, cause like I want to hang out with my friends, love my coworkers, good people, but we don't hang out like that. Once in a while we go out.

Every time we're out, I feel like she's got me really tightly held. Like, a little bit of a leash. That laugh is brutal. It doesn't even cross my mind. Like, does this girl even want to fuck him? But it makes her feel, she gets this real jealous feeling, and I don't know how to convince her.

Yeah, what do you say to make this happen? There's something weird going on here.

and I just can't kind of get over that hill even after being engaged. Sorry, I'm rambling a little bit. Could you use some help on, like, how do I talk to her about this and, like, get us over this hill where I can just go out with my coworkers who I really love and adore? Like, you know, I supervise most of them, and we, you know, how do I go out and do that with them without feeling like she's looking over my shoulder or feeling guilty because she thinks I'm... To me...

To me, the thing with this is that this is, there's like a gap between. Yeah, we got it. There's a gap between how he's describing it and her reaction. And maybe his fiance is a psycho jealous asshole. Yeah. But also maybe he, that she, the reason that she's jealous about only this one person and that it doesn't sound like she's has problems with everything else is

is that like there is some gap there that he's not being honest with us about in this voicemail. Definitely. And I say this all the time to people. It's like, we are your defense attorneys. You have to tell us everything. We can then help you lie, but we need the full story. And here's what I think this is. I think this guy legitimately does not want to cheat on his fiance. Yeah, he doesn't sound like he wants to fuck. But I think he does, he probably would jerk off to his coworker.

We all knew it. Like I think that's that's where we're at here that's like he I think what happened is he did weirdly let it slip in a weird way that he does find her attractive but it's like natural shit and that's why I think that initial like I guarantee you they got caught up in one of those weird little whirlwinds where it was just he shouldn't have said shit and now it's become a thing. But also the problem

is that the more you minimize, the worse it looks because the woman knows, the fiance knows that something's not matching. It's a classic, like the reverse of this in genders is when women are like, everything's fine, nothing's wrong. And the man is like, no, I know something's wrong and you're not telling me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't agree with you guys. I think this is a retard. Yeah.

I think this guy's just a dumb, this guy, I've dated this guy. He's just a dumb sweetie pie who was like, yeah, we got a new coworker and you know, Richard was talking to her. I think he was hitting on her and then the girl was like me and she went, why was he hitting on her? Is she hot? And he goes, oh,

oh, no, she's cute. And now he's fucked for life because he's dating somebody like me. And what he has to do is be like, you have to man up and you have to be like, we are not going to talk anymore about this woman because you are making this weird. And that is the end of it. And then she'll blow it. If it's you, if the fiance is you, then shut it down or else we just keep fucking cycling. This guy doesn't have that in him. You got to do it. Then you got to be a man. But you're going to buy a house.

Go ahead. If that's you, now she's you. But if it's the other one, then the problem is that the more you minimize...

If anything comes out that it's a little bit more than what you've represented it as, then it's this terrible drip feed of like, well, if it wasn't as small, if it was a little bit more than what you represented it as first, then it's probably a little bit more than that. Then it's probably a little bit. So you got to. So to me, you got to man up.

and say, this is the full story, which is, no, I never want to cheat on you. I never want to fuck this person. But yes, I jerked off to her in the shower. You don't tell her that. You don't tell her. But you say I find her, but yes, she's attractive. That's it. That's the whole thing. I recognize somebody who's attractive. That's it. I love you more. Whatever, whatever. Have the conversation. But then you have to end it because she's just going to keep spinning it. You have to be like, if you say one more thing about this, I'll beat your ass. Back of your head. Yeah.

How did we take that turn? Yeah, Jordan, you're right. You have to threaten to hit your fiance, Jordan Jensen. Yep.

But yes, I think you kind of... You know what? You hear it in his voice. Like, he's rambling so much. He's just so... He's pressed. He's so exacerbated. Yeah. Because he can't fucking, like... Because she's questioning him. It doesn't end. And he can't say the right thing here. Right. There's no right thing. He can't get his self out of it. You're right. So he's got to be like... He's got to be like what Jordan's saying. Like, if it comes up again, it's like, yes, she's cute.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing there. I'm not going to cheat on you. Just close the convo like that. Yeah, maybe. If that's all it is, yes. I just don't think that that's all it is. Okay, that's fair. We don't know, right? I don't think that he wants to cheat. I agree that he sounds like he doesn't want to do anything with this person. But I don't think it's just like...

Oh yeah. One time she wore a tight shirt and I noticed, and then my life moved on. Like I would guess that they have chemistry. I think that's what, I think that's what I'm, when I'm saying like there's a gap between what is actually going on versus how he's describing it. And that that gap is what's freaking out the fiance. I would guess that the gap is the two of them actually actively have chemistry and

And that the fiance can tell that. And that he could be like, we have chemistry and nothing is ever going to happen. That's certainly a scenario. Definitely. I would kill myself if somebody said I have chemistry with this girl. Chemistry hurts. You can't say we have chemistry. No, no, no. This is the like, be honest about everything. This is why it works for me. Because you would jerk off to him having chemistry with another girl. You'd love that.

I would hate it, but then we would figure it out. You'd be like, good, because I'm dating a loser. I think it's like they might have chemistry at the office or whatever the fuck, and that's fine, and they work there, and that's what they do, but I would just tell this guy, just make sure you're not texting this bitch after hours or something. Keep a clean slate. Make sure all the evidence holds up. If they are doing that, and then that comes out at all,

If he was like, no, no, no, it's nothing. It's nothing. Let's shut this down. And then like one text pops up. Then it's like, well, what else are you hiding? For sure. That's why I'm saying you got to reveal. I think you reveal it all and you say that's the whole story. You don't have to reveal all. That's crazy. No. For something this innocent, you definitely don't have to reveal all. But I'm saying it's innocent.

it's innocent. I'm saying like, so you say like, oh yeah, we text and if you want me to stop that, that's fine. I'll do that. I see. I see. It's like, if he really is innocent, then if you have nothing to hide, then... Yeah, I guess, but that's just opening up a more can of worms of like, I just would love to talk to this guy and know if we're even sort of right because one is...

The wife's picking up on, the fiance's picking up on something and you just have to nip that in the bud. And the other one is you do have to just be like, can we just shut the fuck up? The other one is she's a crazy. Shut the fuck up. She's crazy. I can see this. She's like, it's really freaking me out. We're getting married. If she's crazy, absolutely shut it down. And the other thing is,

Either way, like there's also, there is, you're right about the, he's also kind of lying to us because he goes from like, you know, I don't even want to see my coworkers. That's what I'm saying. That's why I'm saying this more. I would love to hang out with my girl. That's why I'm saying it's not. Something's off. She's not, I don't think she's crazy in this one. And I think, and I'm not saying, I'm not,

I think he's a bad communicator. I actually think there's a piece of information missing that... He's retarded. I think he's lying to himself. Yeah, maybe. He's just a stupid guy and the girlfriend is used to having him on a leash because he's an idiot. And he's just like, she's cute. And now the wife is like, oh, my dog is turned to bull. And that is pissing her off. So yeah, you just hate women. That's true. I'm a bad woman. I'm this woman. I've been this woman. I've literally taken underwear that I bought and gone, whose are these?

They're mine. I've done that. You're like, whose are these? Whose are these white cotton? Whose are these giant underwear? I thought you said she was skinny. Are you calling me fat?

Yeah, so anyway, buddy, there you go. Either think, is your wife crazy? Then say, shut up, bitch. I'm tired of hearing it. And if she's not, then just be like, look, you know, whatever. I'm done with this. Then at least be honest with yourself. You do have to be honest with yourself. And also, I wish you were more honest with us. And then also, like, why do you even want to hang out with your co- The other thing is,

Even if your wife is a little too sensitive, if there's some middle road here where we're both kind of right and your wife just doesn't like it that much, is getting fucking happy hour drinks with your coworkers worth pissing your fiance off? Maybe just don't fucking hang out with them. Also, he said that he's their boss. Yeah, like, there's stuff going on here. If it was me, honestly, I would probably just have the conversation. Then also...

Probably see my coworkers less. Like, that's the other thing. It's like, sometimes, even if the person, if it's a kind of, like, crazy request, but it doesn't really harm you either way, then it's sometimes the easiest things to be like, all right, fuck it, I'm just never talking to this bitch again. You know what I mean? What are you losing by cutting it out? What really is the issue here? So anyway, we offered you three solutions. Your choice. Dealer's choice. Good luck. Something nice, Eldis.

Hey Stav and Eldis and whoever guests you have on. I love the show. I've been listening since Comptown and I've seen you a couple times at comedy shows in Texas and it was great. I just love the show. Anyways, basically my

My problem is my boyfriend and I have like a really, really good relationship personally. We're like best friends. As soon as we met, it was like just an instant connection. And we moved in after like four months of knowing each other. He really like heavily pursued me. We were having like frequent sex.

in the beginning, but after moving in together and like he started a new job basically where he's working like 60 hours a week, uh, we really don't have sex that often. I have a really high sex drive. Like I would like to have sex like every day. And it seems like now honestly, like we're having sex.

It was like once a week and now it's like once every two weeks. And that is just like so concerning to me. The other like main factor is basically we have been doing a lot of cocaine. And like a lot, pretty frequently, maybe every other week.

I don't know, every other day for the past few months, which we know is like a huge problem. What? Sure. Anyways, when I've like confronted him about like why we don't have sex as much, Pause this. he says it's because of- What the fuck? What the fuck are you fucking me? It's fucked up. You move in with me and you fuck me all the time the first four months and now I don't get any fucking dick ever at all because you work, because you buy me, you fucking get my rent, you fucking buy me all this fucking cocaine. You're a fucking piece of shit! That's how that's going. She's on a stick like this.

Just dryly sucking his dick. Anyway, finish it. I like how she's like, we do cocaine every other day. Yeah, right, right, right. I'm sure it's not every day. I can't wait to answer this, but let's give her the whole...

it just kind of kills its sex drive. And I guess I'm just wanting to know, like, do y'all think that's bullshit? Do you think, like, that's just an excuse? Like, I mean...

Holy shit. I guess just tell me your thoughts. My thought is that cocaine doesn't really kill my sex drive. Like, I'm still ready to go, like, the next day or whenever. I don't know. So it just kind of, you know, makes me think, and it makes me think that I'm ugly, to be quite honest. Are you? Come on. Yeah, I don't know. Let me know what y'all think. All right. Also, what a crazy leap.

You weren't ugly when he was fucking you every day for the first four months. You don't look different. Yeah, is something going on that's making you paranoid?

What could that possibly be? I mean, this is fucking insane. This is insane. Before the cocaine revelation, this was still kind of crazy where it's like, look. Dude, this happened to me. He's working six hours. I dated a coke dealer. I dated a coke dealer and we did so much blow and I was like, you stopped wanting to have sex with me. And he was like,

He was like, yeah, my dick doesn't work because I'm on so much coke. And I was like, I think it's because I'm ugly. And he was like, no, I don't have any feeling in my cock. Yeah, yeah. It's definitely, I mean, look, the other thing is like for like men, your dick literally won't get hard. It won't get hard. It doesn't work. And then also,

Also, all the next day, you're just royally hungover. Yeah, it sucks. You're just brutal. I mean, I can't think of a situation that makes me, that would make me want to fuck less than 60 hours of work a week and all my free time I'm doing cocaine. That's not... You're probably doing cocaine while working, too. Yeah, there's no, like, I would... That sucks. That's not a good setup. And also, like,

Why are you doing so much cocaine? You got to stop doing this much cocaine. That's number one. And none of us are brutes here. You know what I mean? Like, none of us are anti-cocaine or fucking or anything. But what you're doing is crazy. I think he does think you're ugly and you got to get out of this relationship. Whatever stops you, you're cocaine. More cocaine. Lose some fucking weight. Right, Jordan? She's probably too fat. No, but I'm saying, like, whatever breaks them up.

Because this is bad. Yeah, this situation is really, really bad. This is bad. It is weird, for sure. Why are you doing so much coke together? Just hang out. Maybe you don't like each other. Every time I've done coke with a guy, it's because I hated him and I needed coke to make it fun. That's crazy. Really? Hating someone and doing coke. Oh, I've done that so much. Although I'm not a big, to be fair, to be honest, I'm not a huge coke guy.

I just don't think it's that good. With that suit? That's a Coke suit. I know, I know, I know. I'm much more of a... He's like a dealer who doesn't do his own... Oh, yeah. He doesn't get high on his own supply. You give the Coke to girls while they suck your dick. That seems cool, yeah. I could do that, no problem. Actually, yeah. Make it all chattery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, never mind. I don't want to... But, yeah, so, I mean, there's a couple things here. The non-cocaine reading of this is...

Okay, there is a honeymoon phase in the relationship. And then if somebody is working 60 hours a week, and by the way, do you have a job? Did she say it was a new job? Yeah, you just started a new job that's clearly stressful. Yeah. And then it's like, what are you fucking doing? Where it's like, you don't have a job, you don't have shit to do? You just do cocaine all the time? If you don't have a job and all you do is cocaine, you're not ugly.

Let me tell you that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody supports an ugly bitch. Nobody works 60 hours a week to let some ugly bitch do cocaine all day. You're hot. Let's take that out of the way. That's not what it is. Yeah, the ugly thing is crazy. Yeah, I mean, that's, again, she's drug addled and a woman in America, right? Like, you're gonna be self-conscious. But, like,

The cocaine, you got to get that. Even without the cocaine, this kind of makes a little sense. You add the cocaine to it. Also, if she's like, I can do coke and then the next day still be horny. But she doesn't have a 60-hour-a-week job. It doesn't sound like...

And so he's doing the coke, and then the next day has to go be a lawyer or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to know what his job is. Also, she's probably validating her bad night by being like, well, at least my boyfriend still loves me. But he's waking up validating his bad... You know what I mean? He's waking up being like, my life is horrible, and this bitch wants to suck my dick, and I'm not a real man. Or it's like all she has is the relationship outside of her constant drug use. And what he has to validate him is his...

It might be stressful, but it also could be like a high-powered job, right? Like, it could be like a... He could be making enough money, and this is how he feels. That's the important thing to him. So it's like, on the totem pole of what matters to him, it's like... I don't know. I think if you're really important... I think if the job is really that important to you, you don't do that much cocaine. Maybe he's a Wolf of Wall Street guy. Maybe he's like a fucking weird day trader or something. Cool guy.

I don't know, but yeah, I mean, whatever it is, we don't... We certainly don't have enough info. But the thing is actually... And we certainly do have... We have all the info we need, right? Like, yes, 60 hours a week and constant cocaine will not make you want to fuck. So, weirdly, we do have enough information, but we don't actually have enough to know exactly what's going on here. So, I would actually love... Can we contact her and see if we can talk to her on a live show? Because I need to know more about this. But...

For now, this is all we can tell you, my friend. That yes, his reaction is normal. But the circumstances are so fucked. I guess my question would be like, what happens if you go a week without doing coke? Yeah. Like, what's your reaction to that? Would she be like, no, no, no, I can't do that. I can't do it. Once you're doing it every day, it is hard to stop. That's what I'm saying. The crash is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's the...

They wouldn't date. They don't like each other probably. Who knows? I mean, two seconds you get off work, you're doing a bunch of lines. Yeah. When did you start the cocaine? Was that during this? Like, is that a constant in the relationship? I don't know. Also, they moved in after knowing each other for four months. So they make rash decisions. Right. Well, coke is like an ovaltine for relationships. It pumps things for, you know what I mean? Yeah. It really boosts it. That makes sense. But anyway, we don't know enough. Sorry. Sorry, pal. Stop doing so much cocaine. Yeah.

Um, what else we got, Big LD? Uh, hey, Stav. Hey, Gus. Big fan of the show. Um, I'll get right to it. Thanks, man. I have been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now. Okay. She's great. Love her. Um, but I have one problem. She doesn't shave her butthole. She shaves her pussy, and that's great. That's funny. I hate this bitch. But, I don't know. I'm trying to get over it. Like, she's hot. I, I...

I did well, but... I tried to... It's just a turn off, man. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do stuff. I've, like, hinted at it at dinner once. At dinner? Man, that was weird. Oh, yeah? But, you know, she, like, joked about it. How's the steak? Like, yeah, I don't do it because it itches. It itches. Yeah, it's a nightmare. It's awful. Seems tough. Fair, but... I don't know, man. I just...

I just want to see like a clean butthole, you know? Like a nice, shaven butthole. And I'm not getting that right now. And it's making back shots harder. And I don't know. It's tough. Give me your advice, man. How can I go about this in like a better way? Because I don't want her to get pissed at me. We haven't really had any fights yet. We haven't really had any fights yet.

I would hate to have our first fight be about buttholes. Be about buttholes. So, yeah, shoot away. Thank you. Oh, yeah? Why don't you shoot away, backshot guy? You can still fucking come with a norm.

To his girlfriend, leave this man. Please, for the love of God, get out of this relationship. Hey, oh, come on. Let's not get rash here. Just stop watching porn. That's all you have to do. Stop watching porn and you're fine. Just think about the fact that you get to cum in her ass and you want more than that? I don't think he's fucking her ass. I think he's just fucking her pussy, I would guess. He doesn't like seeing the hairy ass. Backshot's harder just from the back. Just visually harder. Oh, fuck.

Just close your eyes and picture a bald pussy. Or, I mean, a bald... Just grow up. Yeah, grow the fuck up. And just so you know, as a woman, when we have shaved our buttholes, it sucks. It's such a shame. You know when you take a shit and you...

And you don't wipe it away. Yeah, honestly, if you do shave, I will say, if you do shave your asshole, that's really your only way here. That's a fair, sure. Start waxing your whole dick and balls and ass. And then be like, yeah, I just think it's better. And then if you're willing to go through it. Or be like, we both can. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I would love, I would love to try it once and I will do it with you in solidarity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then watch, watch how it feels when it grows back and you have fucking incongruous

grown hairs and zits in your ugly, crunchy, crusty asshole, you fucking dick. Or what you could do if you're really trying to

If I'm trying to be a G, watch porn with her. Damn, that's an awesome asshole. Just illuminate the buttholes. Because I did watch porn recently and I was like, these are pretty pink. And it did make me want to bleach my asshole. No, but that's the problem. I got a gray asshole. Yeah, everybody has a gray asshole. I know. Yeah. But if I don't watch porn, I'm fine. But if I watch porn, so if this is a huge... Exactly, so don't... Also, you might be a pedophile.

Think about that. Uh, yeah, it's possible. I'm going full pedo on this guy. He might be. And you, and you're the expert on the panel when it comes to pedophiles. From all the pedophiles I've met, they love a nice pink butthole. As soon as it gets gray, they leave you. I mean, this is, it is good that we got this question with two, uh, female guests. Cause you see the actual answer. Uh,

And I will say, taking a more, I would say, moderate approach, we've got Bernie Sanders over here. I'm going to be Joe Biden about this whole thing. I think, yeah, dude, it is a thing of like, look, you can...

Hey, what you can throw it out there. You can throw it out there as a preference. Right. You'd be like, what do you think of this? Right. And if she just says no, then that's it. That's really the conversation. The best maybe you could say is like, I don't know. It's like unless you shave your own ass.

or something, you could maybe try and, as a special occasion, get a wax going. You know what I mean? Be like, look, that's your preference. I get it. Would you do something for me in terms of like, that's the only thing I can think of where if somebody doesn't want to do that as a, because regular maintenance of a fucking clean asshole is insane. I guarantee she, okay, A, she has already answered the question. She said, I don't because it itches. So it's not a, it's not a,

ask about it like she's already answered the question yes they've had the conversation B I guarantee you she does shit for this guy all the fucking time I guarantee he does not make her cum yeah okay and it's not or like not consistently what are the bust rates like that is true that is actually true you can't you can't broach the subject until you get an 85% bust rate that like that's that's it that's like that's where it starts or like ask her or

or ask her if and fine here's here's my I'll be Joe Biden please be Joe Biden okay this is the best you're gonna fucking do this is the nicest you are gonna do on this one in a conversation with hey

Is there anything that you would like me to do differently in sex? Okay. That's interesting. Oh, okay. Manipulator. Open it with you. No. The master manipulator. No, it's good. It's really good. I mean, fucking ask. And she'll be like, why you? And you'll go, yes, please. Yeah. Your thicket. The thicket needs to go. Oh, my God. For the love of God, I'm trying to do this. And ask her to be honest. Yeah. Yeah.

And when she's like, oh, I don't know, just – and when she says – she's going to say something – like, she's going to minimize because we have been trained to not ask. And we've been trained that when we do ask – and not just trained societally, we're trained experientially. We've been trained that when we do ask, when we say, could you do this thing differently, men wind up interpreting it as –

I'm being emasculated. I'm being told that like, I'm not good at sex and they get defensive and then they don't do the thing. They usually like react badly. It usually winds up going in the opposite direction. And so we can't ask for whatever the fuck we want. This is... Everybody's like... That's wild. Everybody's like... Totally. You can never be like, will you go down on me? They're like, I'm not gay. And you're like, what? What are you talking about? When it's like, I mean, I'm doing a bit about this right now, but I asked an ex, I was like...

here's the specific motion that will work every fucking time. And he said, doing that would feel like going to a factory and pulling a lever.

And that, like, pull the lever. What if the lever gives you a million dollars every time? Would you pull it? And that's just pure defensiveness. It's pure ego. But that is our experience every fucking time. And so if you ask her, if you honestly go in and say, is there anything I could do differently? First of all, she's going to say, no, no, no, it's great.

Then push her. Say, no, no, no. Let's actually have this honest conversation. Then she's going to say something small. That hurts. It'll hurt. It will probably hurt your feelings. It will probably hurt your feelings. Pull your fucking ego out of it. Feel that for a second. And then when she says something small, then be like, can you give me details? Can you actually help me change this? Be honest about it. And then if she's like, great, now in the opposite direction, he's like, sure. Honestly, if you can swallow all of that,

Then I think it's fair. That's a fair trade-off. But he will... I do not believe that a guy who's like... I don't think this guy is a girlfriend. I think this guy is like, I'm going to call Stahl and talk about flogging. That's what I think. Well, look, we got to... She's hot. I did well for myself. That guy is not ever going to... He might, listen...

Hopeful. That's the beauty of this show. Prove me wrong. Please prove me wrong. I would love to be proven wrong. Have you met anybody who's been like, I took your advice and it changed my life? No joke. We get cool calls all the time. Really? From people that are like, yes. My girlfriend shaved her butthole and it changed my life. Yeah, this is the most important one. And now I just eat shit for her and it's a win-win. I bought her an asshole scratcher and we're good now.

But I think that's good advice. And I think in general, that's good advice in a relationship. And it trains you to not be so selfish about it because you're right. He's already brought this up. She's already rebuffed him. She's already given the answer. Yes. He knows the answer. And he's just asking for permission from a guy who is, he's asking for permission from a stranger and a man. Yeah. He's like, I don't want to talk to this woman who I know very well and who I'm intimate with all the time. Well, she might not be as wise as I am.

Catching purple outfits. But I think that's really good advice, actually. Who gave the wise advice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

That's good stuff, actually. You heard of my friend, and I think that's also true to just like, don't just... I hate this man so much. I know, and I get that. I'm like, she should have her butt or he'll go. And I'm like, she should go. Go, girl, get out of there. Leave him. And listen, if, and here's the other thing, that is the reality. If

if it comes to a head and it's like you, she is adamantly does not want to shave her butt and you adamantly want someone with a shaved butt, then yes, you shouldn't be together because there's people who have clean holes out there. You know, and there's people who have... Hey, our butt hair is clean. We keep it clean. Yeah, yeah. It's just a phrase. Okay, cool. Squeaky holes. I know my butthole waxed recently. How did that feel? Great. Well, maybe it's the middle path. Yeah. But it's the growing back that's bad. The shaving is bad. No, the waxing growing back was

fine. Really? Let's go. I've had it before. You've had the wax in the butthole area? Yeah. Wow. It went great. What was the occasion? I was trying to keep somebody from breaking up with me. It didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. That's like a crystal ball for this relationship that's calling in. It really is. It's probably not going to work, but maybe take close advice. You got a nice one for us to go out on, Eldest?

Anything fun? Every time I'm ever talking about relationships, whether it's in stand-up or vice, I just want to be like, I want to say the words, leave him, to any woman who's listening. Have you ever left somebody for being bad, though? And that if, no. No, the guys dating her have had to do that. Yeah. And then she's like, leave me.

I just wish, to me, there's so many women, and I think this applies to men too, but there's so many women who are like, I just need a sign, just give me a sign. And I'm always like, if I can, for one woman, there's thousands and thousands of women listening to this, it doesn't have to be all of them. If for one woman, if you are listening, if you are wondering, like, what is the sign? Let me be the sign. If you are wondering, you are already there. Leave him. It's true. There's a lot of dog relationships.

And in general, I do think there is something. I mean, I feel like

The bar is hysterically low. Yeah. It's just someone who, I like direct, I think that's, hand me the keys to the bust code. Yeah. I feel great. Like, literally just being someone who like listens and is like borderline nice. Like, it's actually been a problem where it's like just by being kinda nice in a casual thing, some women have thought I'm like in love with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm treating them with basic respect. Oh, my boyfriend, my boyfriend like got me a glass of water. Yeah. And I was like,

What? Yeah, the bar is... I just had that thought right now. I was like, don't let him go, Chloe. Yeah.

It's so fucking low. It's so, it's humiliating. And that's good for, that is the thing that I think we might be pushing some, knowing that we can push some of our dumb friends here. It's like, buddy, it's not even that hard. You only have to be sort of better. And that's, we're slowly pushing in the right direction, incrementally. Change the system from the inside. We don't need radical. We don't need a revolution. Joe Biden for president. Yeah.

I'm sexual Joe. He is. Joe Biden is already sexual. He said that. Well, yeah, damn. You're just regular Joe. I'm just regular Joe. All right, I'll do something nice to go out on here, buddy.

Hello. I love your show. I just wanted to say last week I was hooking up with a guy. We're in a situationship, friends and benefits type situation. I don't know. He's cool and stuff, but we live long distance. The issue is when he was Little Spoon and I was Big Spoon, I saw two concerning moles on his back.

Is this why you brought this up? I'm wondering. I mean, I should have said something in the moment. And now we haven't seen each other for a week. And we don't even text like that. But I'm just thinking, like, what if he dies? And I never told him he has two weird moles on his back. Trauma, my uncle died of melanoma.

melanoma. What? How much was that motherfucker in the sun? Anyway, would you just text him out of the blue and be like, hey, you should get these two moles checked? Or would you send him an anonymous picture? That's so funny. I don't even know. Out the gate. This is so cute. Get a burner phone. This goes back to exactly what you're talking about where it's like

She's so nervous to contact him outside of their agreed upon sex arrangement that she's thinking about getting a... The other guy's like, get rid of your butthole right now, bitch. I think you certainly could be like, hey, I just saw this thing on the news or I just saw a picture of Melon or just something and it reminded me of these... No, I think you could just be like, hey...

I might be overreacting here, but my uncle died of melanoma and I don't know if those moles are cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you have to be like, I saw something on the news. Right, right, right. I'm just, I'm thinking of like a way to just kind of

for her to feel less nervous, but you're right, she shouldn't feel nervous. - I just think straightforward is the most, is the best way to not feel nervous. - It's the hottest way. - 'Cause a lie about like, I saw something on the news is more nerve wracking because you're covering up the lie. - Oh, that's true. That is true. - Just being like, I might be being crazy here. Maybe it's just that a person I really care about died from something. - Yeah. - Just pull the OCD card. Just always do that. I always do that if something's bothering me. - Oh, and how successful has that been, Jordan? - Listen, I have a dog.

Just say, I'm really sorry I have OCD and I'm thinking about it a lot. You have two goals. We're just saying she doesn't need to apologize. She's doing something nice for him, too, actually. The other thing is that he's not going to die in the next ten days before you do see him again. Right, right, right. You could just wait. I think she should not...

It sounds like they're not dating for a reason. I feel like if it was like some chick I was fucking who like sent me a text. Eldest. I love when you're coming off the top rope with your taste. I'm serious though. I know you are. I was just like seeing cash. I was like, oh, you should get the moles on your back checked out. You might have cancer. I'd be like, what? Shut up. I don't care. I know I have moles and like.

Yeah. I will say. You'd be like, stop trying to weasel your way into my life. That's what I feel like. It would feel like trying to like weasel, like an excuse to like reach out to this guy. That is a good point. The uncle melanoma thing is not really like. That's not trauma. That's not trauma. Uncles are made to die. Uncles deserve to die.

I personally would look at that text and probably just not even respond to it. Just respond to some bullshit if I thought maybe I'd want to fuck again. This guy's not dating you. He doesn't give a fuck. You think he could have cancer possibly? Wow, you are right. I also will say, as the only person here who is an expert on mold...

- The only thing about, the only birthmark reactions that bother me, literally nothing bothers me. You can say the worst shit to me on TikTok comments, insane. I've had the craziest shit said to me to my face. People lick it, kiss it, strangers in bars. - What?

Crazy interactions. Kiss it, pop it, pull it, suck it. And the only thing that bothers me is when somebody comes up and is like, you know, that might be cancer. That is actually the one thing that I am like, oh, you are out of my life forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so to me, the question with her is like, I'm like...

girl, are you like, what did the moles look like? Is it just that they were moles? Right. Or is it like, wow, so much mole awareness today. I didn't even think about it. Yeah. That's,

Is this why you pulled this up? Where I'm like, do you have some kind of background in dermatology and you actually have a reason? Or is it just that people freak out about moles for no specific reason and you've like decided. This is awesome. Chloe's like, pit bulls are not inherently dangerous dogs. We shouldn't be putting them down. Moles are not necessarily cancerous. They're not.

I'm fine. Why do you ask? Maybe he spent a lifetime trying to love these moles and accept himself for these moles. Maybe he actually cheats a lot because he's been insecure about his back moles forever. And maybe you should just ask him how best to support him, you know? Tell him when you flirt with somebody. All right. So, yes, I think that's... I think probably where we come down on it is the next time you guys hang out, you can say it in the moment type of thing. If you hang out again. But a text...

A text two weeks after does feel a little bit like trying to... It could be construed as like, oh, this girl's trying to claw into my life and trying to be too concerning and caring about me. If you're in a situationship like this where... And I would rather have somebody die. Yes, when you're trying to avoid this, because it sounds like he might be... It's also like, what if he dies? What the fuck? He's not gonna... He's not dying and we're back more. Are you exaggerating? I'm not exaggerating.

I don't think you're exact... I think that is actually what you're worried about. He's not gonna die. At that level, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're okay. And maybe if she really... You're okay. If she really dug deep and really thought about it, she probably is trying to do a bit of... A bit of, like, girlfriend behavior here. A little bit with... But she has a clear excuse, like, in her head. You can just text him...

I want to be your girlfriend. Just do that. You could do that. I love you. You could do that. It might not go the way you want, but it might save you like a couple... But you're asking us permission if you can text this guy. Just text him. No, no, no. We said... No, don't text him about the thing. But, you know, that's what she's doing is basically being like, it's been two weeks since we've talked. Is this a good excuse? Just say...

Well, look, ultimately, if she's not happy with the situation, she should just get out of it. I just think, yeah, also she described him as he's cool and stuff, but we live long distance. This is not, the answer is just, this isn't gonna last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your boyfriend is in Britain or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all right. She doesn't have a history of cheating or anything. There's no history of cheating. There's no moles in this situation. So, yeah. I'm the one with the moles. I'm the one.

So yeah, good luck. You can say something in person, but you probably shouldn't text him about it. And if you want something more, ask for it or end it. But this shouldn't be your little way in. But you can, if in person, if you hang out again, you can say something. There you go, pal. Guys, that's going to do it for us. Thanks for, the show was so fun. Thanks for coming on.

go see, go see our friends here live, whether it's stand up the one man show, uh,

29 man show. The 29. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's not that bad. 29. He's higher. Yeah. Yeah. Watch. Go watch them live and leave us a nice comment, a review. We're trying. We've never tried to plug the show on iTunes or anything like that. So, you know, give it a fucking five star and we will talk to you guys next time. Bye bye.