#64 - Jim Norton
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Welcome everybody to Stavis World, 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We got Jim Norton. We're so pumped to have the legend on the couch in Astoria, in Queens.

Thanks so much for being here, dude. Dude, coming here in Astoria, it reminded me of so many times where I would look through Backpage. Yeah, I was literally... I was going to ask you, was the last time you were here to purchase sex? It was crazy. It's the first time I've walked through the Queens without pulling my dick out.

Yeah, there must be different flavors up here. You know what I mean? When you're feeling, when you want to mix it up. I had one. I saw, I actually didn't come to Queens as much just because Manhattan is such a choice.

choice but I came here years ago and I went I don't know if it was Jackson Heights Astoria but I walk out and there's this drunk Spanish guy that kind of started looking at me and then he puts up his fist to fight me and he was so fucking drunk I'm like I could kill this guy but I walked away and he's following me and I just ran up the street this guy chased me up the street I felt like such a fucking coward and then he's like trying to like throw it out at me and

And I'm like, hey, man, there's kids around. I finally lost him on the train. I went on the subway and lost him. That's insane. But I'm like, what am I doing? You're doing a full like action movie. Get on the train up and down the steps trying to lose this just drunk Hispanic man. But I also thought like you never know. First of all, I hit the guy. He was just he was just that little guy. And I'm like, I don't know who he's got around here. Does he live here? If I hit him, I get my ass kicked by 10 guys. So well, you're also fresh. You freshly nutted. So it's like you have all your senses.

You're really thinking logically. Yeah. You're like, because if you're still horny, you're like, I'm going to fuck this guy up and I'm going to get pussy. But you had just nutted. Yeah. So you're like, I have to fear a lawsuit. I have to get home. You know, there's children here. Yeah. Yeah. I could hear them at recess while I was eating a trans woman's ass earlier. That didn't bother me. But now we we can't put fisticuffs up. I was on my way into her apartment. I would have pushed a stroller in front of the train. Get that! And then ran the fucking house.

Yeah, that's awesome, dude. Yeah, the back page. So I was a very... Because now you can't... I think it's off the internet. It's all gone. You really have to know what to do. Oh, man. Another egregious government overreach. The FBI coming in and shutting it down.

When I was in college getting absolutely no pussy whatsoever, I never, I think because I was a coward, I never called. Sure. But I did a lot of perusing and jacking off. Yeah, oh yeah. I did a lot of like, put the first five digits in the thing and then, oh, you know what I mean, coming immediately. I never, I never actually had the guts to like, and I think, I think probably it's a,

I got lucky in that I grew up just... There's enough internet. Whereas the first time you probably had to buy sex. It was like a true... It was all numbers. It was all kind of random. It was all seedy. There was no safety to it from the jump, right? It was all dangerous. I remember I bought phone sex. And this was old school. I had to send a money order into California. Yeah.

And been jerking off longer than some of you are alive. Wait a second. You had to get a money order? So you had to like pre, you had to go get a money order weeks before you wanted to jack off. $90 for a money order. I mail it into California. They mailed me through like a registered mail a bunch of phone numbers.

And you had 30 days. Those numbers were good for her. So you could call and jack off like any time of the day. Wow. But they were all California, so I'd be on my way to work, and I called at like 7 in the morning. It was 4 a.m. there. And the woman's like, you want to talk dirty now? She was like,

fucking buzzkill but yeah it was all magazines back then and uh i remember i went down to fucking so just real quick and i want to hear that oh yeah so you're telling me it was more like a monthly pass it wasn't by the minute it was like all you can jerk 90 that seems like a pretty good deal it was until you get fucking cranky woman who doesn't want to do it i'm a customer lady

Customers always run. I would love customer service on phone. It's just the same women without just dropping with their real voice. Can I speak to your manager? Yeah, that lady's a bitch. Yeah, I'll talk to her. That's hilarious. But yeah, you'd have to mail in, man. It was a very, it was a different experience than now. Wow, Jim, hold on. Quiet. I just made a sale.

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My apologies, Mr. Norton. I mean, I cannot believe that's such a level of dedication of like the... I almost wonder if ADD has helped...

certain types of sex addiction go away because you had to focus to become a sex addict. Yeah. There were so many steps. Yes. Like I can't even imagine like even the times I've thought like I said thought about going so whatever like going to a prostitute whatever I have always jacked off. There's so like I could just jack off it's right there in front of me whereas like

If I really had to wait for it, like, I think it's a generational thing where it's like you really earned your sex addiction. Yeah. There's no, like, really falling into it. No, I worked for it. Yeah, you really worked for it. I worked for it. You know, when I was like nine or ten, when you blow all your friends, you're like, this is going somewhere. Stick with it, Jim. Yeah.

It's like I had a gift. Yeah. Well, you know, they have that story about Wayne Gretzky as a baby sitting and watching hockey and crying. You're watching gay porn and it's like, oh, you turn it off. Put it back on. Baby Jim doesn't like when it's off. My father was Earl Woods. He took me out of the Mike Douglas show and had me blow 10 boys my age.

A prodigy. That's so funny. Yeah, but it starts... And it was weird. It's weird to go through this whole era of like as it gets faster and faster and faster, it gets easier. But I always do the same thing. Do you remember Screw Magazine? No, Mr. Screw. Yeah, that was how... It was tactile. Like you'd have to go to the adult bookstore, you'd buy a screw, or you'd get it from the newsstand, and then you would just peruse. Right. I got into credit card debt. There was this one...

And here in New York, they had this thing where there was a whole bunch of lovely transgender gals in this one house. Wow. And I put down my credit card because why would they steal from me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You opened up a tab. I opened up a tab.

100% right. You want to pay for it up front or just leave your card? Leave the card. I'll be back. So it was like I fucking, I did it and they ran me into about $10,000. I was in credit card debt for years. And the only reason I got out of it is because I would call and this took me years to get this off. And they were like, what are these charges? I'm like, well, I was going to see escorts.

People are usually embarrassed about that, but I was single. I didn't care. I was lonely and desperate and wanted connection. But I finally got rid of it, but that took me years to untangle. Wow, that's incredible. So they were just like, and the people were like, oh, okay, you didn't pay for this much sex? They took it off your thing, or you said it was fraud, or what? Well, no, the sex I paid for, but they would use it for other things. They'd take your credit card, and then they would charge. Size 11 heels. Yes, exactly. You know, like, look.

One of the largest heels you've ever seen in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A prom dress and Uggs. Yeah.

Okay, I see, I see. And you got those charges off. Good for you, man. Over years, yeah. I would save, I had paperwork saved for years. Because, again, you have to call and wait. There's none of the online stuff. I respect that. I respect, yeah, the shame. That is the one time how having no shame has really, it saved you a nice 10 Gs, it sounds like. It did, yeah. Because I never felt better than anybody. Like, I always felt like, oh, they're doing me such a favor, my

Fuck me. Right, right, right. So thank you. Right, right, right, right. I loved them. A good customer. Yeah. A great customer. And so what ages are these where it's like, because I caught the tail end of like, you know, physical porn. We caught the like, go to Royal Farm, you know, go to like a gas station, whatever. They still had that one rack. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because we were like, you know, Greektown was right by like,

There's a lot of truck stops. So you got just a little bit of throwback stuff. But we never called the number or anything like that. So you're talking about, when are you buying? What age are you when you're getting that money order? How old are you? The money order, I might have been 19, 18, 20. In that area, when I was a kid, like 11, 12, there was a motel. We used to go over there at like 13, drunk, and walk through the hallway and just eat food off the room service trays.

And fucking... Just feral New Jersey children. Just insane. Absolute garbage with cowlicks and a twitch. And by the way, Jersey leftover room service is not fresh. You don't want to eat that. Not fine dining. No, no. This was not fine dining. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you have a pack of like...

Your parents were working too much? They were just kind of checked out? No, my dad would work. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, but I would just go out. And again, you weren't monitored as closely in the fucking 80s. And they had a magazine rack there. Every month they had Penthouse, Playboy, and We Magazine. So I would go there with a screwdriver and put the screwdriver on and jimmy the magazines out, and I would steal the magazines. That motel really took care of some of my most basic needs.

It's so funny because I feel like people stopped monitoring their kids or started monitoring their kids. I mean, again, I feel like the millennial age that we grew up in the, you know, I was born in the late 80s. So it's like we, depending on where you grew up, you did have kind of a, I had a bit of a throwback childhood where it's like my parents kind of let us go. I didn't have a phone. We didn't have internet for a while. But other people my age totally had all that stuff. But I think the big thing was people were scared of like,

sex crimes, molestation, all that stuff. And you truly were pretty much just trying to get molested. You were trying to get sex trafficked in everything you did. I literally stood in the shoulder of the highway with my asshole open, waving. No takers. That's fucking wild. And who are your, like, what are your friends like? Do you have a pack?

of sexual deviants? They were, we were all, I don't know how we connected. This is back in Edison and there were girls too but they were less deviant at that and they were also scarier. I didn't know what the parts were but no, me and a bunch of my buddies but also when one guy found out, oh, I got called a faggot a lot.

lot as a kid that label sticks right i'm telling you like kids don't forget anything but i used to thank god we moved out of that neighborhood that was getting bad and i was getting chased and that was rough that's wild yeah and i mean no we're some what's the origin story no more no one sucked you off if if you really were a prodigy i i just it was like why did bobby fisher play chess i don't know

Because everything you're describing, I'm like, oh, this is the most molested baby of all time. And plus, if you look pictures of me, you're like, I would absolutely fuck that kid. I was a fuckable boy. But no, I didn't. As far as I know, if I was, it was so traumatic that the slate has been wiped clean. And I know what I'm putting my money on. Exactly that. It was something barbaric. Yeah.

I don't know why. My therapist is always like, you were abused. I don't feel like I was. I feel like I showed up. I feel like I showed up. I think that because my parents were cool, whatever, they really didn't want me to sleep over. Really didn't want me to sleep over. And I kind of think sometimes like, did something so horrible happen to me that like they were scared? Like when I don't remember? But I just don't know. They were like, they would get really freaked out if I was or unattended or whatever the fuck. Where it's like...

I don't know. It's just like, I don't think anything like that. And I never blew my friends. Eldest can attest. We grew up together. I never sucked his disgusting Albanian dick. But, you know, sometimes I wonder like, or maybe something happened to them. You know, maybe my dad maybe weirdly got molested in, I mean, Greece in the 60s. Yeah. He could have gotten away with anything. Sure. He could have really molested in a, you know, third world country post-World War II. Yeah, some thick fingers that smell like olives. Yeah.

Yeah, the coarse pubes around your ass are actually an evolutionary trait to keep you from getting finger fucked on an olive grove. Yeah, I don't know, man. That's wild, dude. Oh, wow. So you were just really, it's really, there was no, you were just, this was the life forever. Off to the races. Yeah. My first love. And it's so funny now, I'm 55. Yeah.

And like, you know, obviously I'm married. So like, I really don't cheat on my wife. It's bizarre to say that, but it's like, you run out your addiction. It's like, you can only for so long before you're like, what am I going to die alone? I get that too. I mean, I see that too. Like I,

uh, I opened for Bobby for years and I was a fan of both of you guys, you know, when I was like, you know, when I was getting into, I, I feel bad telling people when I was a kid, cause I also look like I look worse than my age. So we see a guy tell like, looks like me, like, dude, when I was 12, I loved you, Jim. And you're like, Jesus Christ, how old am I? But like, I really, I really did. But I struck me of like,

Because getting to know you guys now... Bobby, probably 10 years ago, whatever, he really was on the... He really was running off fumes. I mean, Bobby also...

castrated himself by getting so fat he had no he had no like sexual desires fuck if he can't find it yeah yeah yeah but when i met him he was like so much less of a yeah of like and i think and now he's like the chillest dad of all time like he really is just you would never guess the weird shit bobby did from like his suburban life and his like kid and all this shit but and it's like

and it's funny to see that with you too because I feel like that's a relatively recent development where it's like, you know, and now look, you married a trans woman half your age. Yes. So it's not really, that is the like deviance way of settling down. It's the best I could do, man. Yeah.

The closest I could come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not exactly like, you know, the all-American traditional story. But in a weird way, your dynamics are, which is so funny. It just shows you, like...

Damn, everyone does just want the same stuff. Even if you're some weird kid trying to get sucked off by a man at nine. Yeah. And eventually you want to be a husband that comes home to dinner. Yeah. Somebody that loves him, you know? You really... And it's like... People are like, oh, she's younger than you. I dated age, quote unquote, age appropriate. It was a woman who's probably...

50 now or 48 now. And the reason we stopped dating is because she wanted kids quickly. Like I'm like, I'm wasting this. We dated years ago. She was in her thirties. I'm like, I'm wasting your time. Like I don't want kids. Like Nikki, I just get along with like, we were like, I have fun with her. Like legit.

fun with her. Not just like, oh, she's my wife and I gotta fucking hang out. Like, I really like doing shit with her. I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there is something, there is something wholesome to that of just like, yeah, we're just, you know, this is what stops you from, or not even stops you, you were kind of done with doing that. I was done. Yeah. Because it is, it also feels a little, you know, I wonder have you ever gotten, not been able to get hard with a prostitute? I,

I haven't been able to not get hard on Viagra with any... Are you kidding? There's times where my dick just decided it's not happening. Forget it. It's dropped out. That's got to feel bad to also be out however much money and the hassle. I can't imagine not nutting in a situation like that in some weird house in Harlem. Well, I would jerk off anyway and it would be limp. It looked like one of those things outside a gas station to let you know...

Cause you're like one of those fucking weird gumby's that bends outside a tire shop. Yeah. Yeah. I've done, I've done enough of that. And you, you really, it's humiliating. It's humiliating when you can't get, or, but you know what? I didn't, I never realized like there'd be times I'd be on dates and I, I was with the girl and I really liked her and I couldn't get hard, but I was like, I don't want sex. Like I just liked this girl, but I didn't think you were allowed to like somebody. It was like, I'm a guy. I got to want to fuck me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I embarrass myself by not being able to get hard. Right, right, right. Oh, damn, yeah. No, hey, listen. We're no stranger to that here at Stobby's. Oh, good, good. That's a well-known phenomenon here. I feel like my dick does... One time, a girl...

I actually really... To me, it actually happens when I like the woman. The first time we hook up, I cannot get hard and I'm all up in my head, whatever. And this is how good of a person she was. She thought my dick was hard when it wasn't. And by the way, my dick is small. So it's like my dick not hard is...

Truly horrific stuff And she She The second time we hooked up Or maybe it was even the third Because I actually really liked her We ended up dating for a little bit The like The third When my dick actually got hard She was like She was like Oh my god I thought that was I thought you had a micro penis And I was like And you came back What a good girl Good person I really I'm a piece of shit I let her I let her slip through my fingers I hope she's doing well these days But Yeah Yeah dude

It's humiliating, but you don't know. I'm like, why is this happening? Like maybe I, I'm so weird. Like I want a prostitute to tell me she loves me and a girl I love. I want her to go. I need a bigger coffee. Bizarre.

That's fucking awesome. Were you like trying to settle down for a little bit? Like had it been a while since you were like, I'm done with this? So many. Oh, really? So like the last what? Were we talking like the last... I mean, last decade. Ten years? Yeah, maybe more. I think I've always been looking for that. Like I fell in love a lot. There's a lot of girls I would see regularly, even for money. And I would catch such feelings and like...

i really just liked them and i i just i was just that's where i would look because i kind of i felt comfortable sure um i get that for a decade i would say at least i was looking for somebody or somebody who i thought

I think that's totally fine. I mean, like, I'll go to a coffee shop where the lady who makes my latte is cute. Yeah. And I'm like, wow, I think I have a little crush on her. Now, imagine I paid her to suck me off 10 times. Yeah. And I'd be like, you know what? This girl's really cool. You know, like, that makes my... I can't believe it doesn't happen more that people don't catch actual... I guess it does. And I guess that's why it's such a dangerous... Because you have, you know, like, you know, sex workers, it's like...

It's a pretty high murder rate, and it's probably because guys who aren't, you know, just like...

Because if a guy catches feelings, then he's like, well, but I want, I can't have you. I guess that is, I guess it does happen. I think even strip clubs, I think strip clubs, like that's how they stay in business is by guys who, I remember one time I was in a strip club and I never was a big fan of them because I just know, like I can't come here. I'm not going to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's got a cock. Well, no, I went into one of those ones in New Orleans and I expected better customer service on Bourbon Street at 2 a.m.

And I walk in, I guess they were ready to close. I was just curious, wanted to look around. And I think I was doing a college with Pete Correale and Louis Ramey. This is probably 22 years ago. And I walk in and it was late and she goes, hey baby. And I'm like, oh, she grabbed me by the arm and I'm like, I'm just going to look for a minute. And she went, all right. And she walked me, turned me around, walked me right back out the door. Threw me the fuck out. I got thrown out.

So I've only gone to a couple of those. I left my wallet in one. I talked about it on Fallon. It's not a surprise that I'm not invited to the Tonight Show. Now that he's running things. Let's have Jim back. Maybe he got fisted once. Maybe he got fisted in Shreveport and he can talk to us about it. I left my wallet in one of these trans clubs. Yeah.

But they were honest. I got it back. Wow. I went back and got my wallet back. Shout out to those gals. All worked out well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's, but I don't miss it. Like, I like being, once in a while you miss the idea of it, but like, hey, again, I'm fucking old, man. Like, I like where I'm at in life. It's nice. Yeah. I'm happy. I'm friends with most of my exes. That's cute. Yeah. I get along with them. It's bizarre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for one who I think is just embarrassed that I'm her ex. Yeah, yeah.

She's embarrassed. Oh, I know about that too, my friend. There's definitely... There's a couple that are just like, ah, come on. Yeah. Why is he doing well? I want it. I don't want people to know. I don't want... Because it's a funny... It is a hilarious... Like, if you dated somebody who, like... Even, like, you know, we're doing fine, but it's not like we're famous. But if you dated, like, a minorly famous actor and you're watching a movie, you're like...

You know, in college, I sucked that guy's cock. Yeah. You know, that's fun. But if you just see you or me pop up on screen and they're like, yep, I fucked that guy. People are like, Jesus Christ. Really? He's ugly. The guy doing the bit about his dick doesn't work. That's the guy. That's believable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's not working because it's not even that much of an exaggeration. We're all just sad for him. No one is proud to admit it. And plus, there's so many embarrassing things I've done. Like my wife's mother, my mother-in-law, it's so weird to say that. But when I first met her, she was like, she doesn't think I'm funny at all because she was Googling and she found Chip. And she's like, what is he doing? It's not funny. Like the mother didn't get it. Such a specific context. They're from another country. And she's like, this guy's a fucking bum that you're with. Yeah.

So yeah, I'm ashamed of my whole professional life. Other country and then basically your age, I'm guessing. The mother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She will be soon. That's gotta be fucking, that's fucking hilarious to be like, yep, this is my American Prince Charming. This is it. I love her dad. We just talk about old kiss. It's the fucking best.

she hates my fucking music, but her dad's like, Destroyer, what a great album. Wow. That's the, that's the life hack. I like it too, because you cancel out the problematic, like, you know, the age gap discourse is canceled out by like, but,

But she's trans. And people are like, ah, is he good or bad? Oh, you know, like the scolding culture. They're like, he's older. It's like, fuck you. Like, we get along better than I've ever gotten along with anybody. It just works. Like, you don't plan it. It just fucking, I wouldn't have married somebody unless I was compatible.

Totally, totally. But I really like it. I like being mad. I can't fucking believe I'm being mad. And you guys have a YouTube channel? Yeah, we started... And it's like... It's not a new... We started talking about podcasting and stuff. Like, I have footage of us from back in 2019 in Canada in the pandemic. Sorry, in 2020 in...

Canada in the pandemic we were just trying stuff and I like shooting shit with her how did she get into the Canada horrible to get like so hard to get into during the pandemic impossible you're like I gotta go shoot content yeah like I gotta I gotta go to Niagara Falls with my wife dude I gotta no she couldn't get into the stage she was like she was on like a fiance wait it was like a long wait 90 day fiance it was exactly like that yeah I used to watch that show and cry I really should be executed you found the right one

Fucking asshole. And I would fucking, my, Travis, our producer on Jim and Sam, called me because they were like, remember the pandemic when it first happened? Sirius is like, you guys can't come in. Like, you guys got to stay home. Right, right, right. So we were like broadcasting from our houses. Yeah. Travis called me on a Wednesday. He goes, hey man, they're going to close. I was driving up every weekend to see Nicky.

And he goes, they're going to close the Canadian border. So I was in the car in an hour and I drove up to Canada and they let me in. It was like a day before the border closed. Holy shit. March of 2020. And I fucking came back July 1st, 2021. Wow. Holy shit. You were in Canada the whole time. 15 months. Wow. I didn't say it. And people are like, why didn't you tell people you were in the fucking Canada border?

I lied about it because I knew that if she didn't get in the country, I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't want to be talking about it every day. Like every time I was angry at immigration, who so I didn't want to be on the air going, fuck those guys. I'm like, just shut it off. Yeah. And then talk about it someday. Totally. Totally. That was one crazy. And it was also very difficult for immigration. Like during the Trump administration, one thing that did happen was they did make it harder for immigrants to get in. But if you're a woman with a dick, Oh, he made it delightfully easy. Yeah.

Did that... She was like... So it was just the pandemic that tripped her up? Honestly, yeah. That's crazy. You never know what agent... Plus, she had like... Yeah, I guess it is like... It's up to the agent. She had like a little pot thing. It was a ticket. It was very minor, but that just slowed us up. She had... You had to get a waiver for it. Yeah, yeah. But she was eligible and she got it, but...

It's just the U.S. government and it's fucking slow. And shit rolls downhill. I had a friend... Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's... You gotta be the number... You know, I guess she's from a... She's from like a European... Norway, yeah. Norway. That all... It doesn't quite cancel out trans, but it's like for the Trump administration, no,

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, they're super white people, you know? Because I had friends who were dealing with, like, it was literally like South America, forget it, Australia. We'll see what we can do. You know what I mean? It was like a little, they were playing a little ball. So that's it. Yeah, but I got to imagine trans woman, not the highest on there. No, not at all. Not. Who are we getting in the country? No. It was a fucking, it was a, again, just a long haul. Yeah.

For everybody. It just sucks. It's the government. They're fucking slow. Everything's done through the mail. Like, it's such a nightmare. Fucking the worst. That's fucking awesome. Mail. That is the funniest thing. I have to get my trans wife over here. Science...

she's more scientific than the way you get, than the way you do business. Like, she's, her existence, like, male predates her existence. Like, they're still doing business in a way that would be fucking insane. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, but it didn't, I don't think it, we didn't harp on it. Like, it was just, of course it's in there, but like...

I don't think it fucked us up. Like, it was just slower and we had to go for the... She used to go to the embassy. It's a fucking night. So I empathize with people coming over. Like, I have very mixed feelings. It's like, hey, it took us five years to...

So fuck you coming here illegally. And it was like, I get it too. Yeah, totally. Like, it's a fucking nightmare. If it was easier, yeah. I had a friend who was the same thing where I was like, just tell her to come over and get married when she's here. You know what I mean? It's like, but then you never know. You want to do things by the book. And they fuck you up like that. I think they were trying this thing, I think Joe Bolton's name was. It's actually Joe Biden, no. Yeah, yeah.

I don't think I'm going to Joe Bolster the comic. I forget what he did, but he made it harder. If you came over and just got married, they would say that you lied about why you were here. Plus, you couldn't get in even to visit. It was just a whole thing. Yeah, that's horrible. I never lived with a woman either. Never. Even when you were in long-term relationships? Not even for a fucking minute. Wow. And now I'm in a pandemic in a one-bedroom in another country. Wow.

It was fucking crazy. That's crazy. It was insane how that happened. That is a real make or break moment though, right? Yeah. It's like a lot of relationships either completely cratered or they fucking, or once they survive, you're like,

All right, we're good. Dude, this is going to be easy because I couldn't just threaten to leave. Yeah. I couldn't just, I'm like, I'm going to go for a ride, cunt. I would just go for a ride and come back. Like, I'd never threatened to walk out because I wanted to leave the country. Yeah, yeah. You'll get, yeah, you'll be in jail. The Mounties will get you. Yeah, I wouldn't have got back in. But it was fun. It was like, it was an interesting thing to be stuck in the house with somebody at 8 o'clock because they were worse up there than we were here. They were fucking panicky.

Yeah. No, I remember I did a gig in Toronto the week before my brother's wedding. And so... And I was just on tour. I didn't really think... I wasn't thinking much of it. I was like, let's just... You know, whatever. And...

I had a blast in Toronto. It was a great, you know, I got there a little early. I was like, I'm going to have fun. There's nice international city. I was getting my dick sucked quite a bit. It was nice. It was great. You know, uh, I'm going out and I'm getting fucked up. Uh, and there's the part of the tour where I was still like excited. It was like, you know, fresh from the pain. It's like when we're first starting a tour after the pandemic. So it was like, I guess, I guess it was 21. It was like spring of 21. And, uh,

And I'm getting, and I'm starting to feel like, it's the day I'm supposed to fly, and I start to feel like a little sick, right? And I'm like, oh, fuck, like, this sucks. Like, what if I have it, whatever? And I'm like, I don't have it. I'm just fucking hungover. I'm fat as shit. I have a dick pill headache. That's what's going on, you know? Like, I'm fine. I take a test. It comes back inconclusive, right?

So now I'm like, fuck, what if I have it? And I check Toronto's thing. They make you do a test at the airport. And if you test positive, you have to quarantine for 10 days in a hotel room in Canada. You cannot go. They won't take you home. Happened to Soder, actually. He tested positive on his way back from a gig. Had to be there for 10 days. I would have missed my brother's wedding. I'm the best man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this shit. So I literally... But if you drove...

They don't, you don't have to take a test. It's the plane, yeah. So because of Canada, so I, and I'm also fucking completely fucked up off edibles. That's another thing. I took a, what I thought was a 10 milligram was a 100 milligram. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that would say Alice. Yeah, yeah.

And so I'm with a girl who is like, she's in an open relationship. That was always, I found that a nice loophole. Yeah. Because it's like you get to be friends with someone, you have like, you know, a relationship, whatever. But, you know, at the end of the day, no pressure and you get the fuck, it's cool. And I'm just like...

I'm like, yeah, can you, and she's like, she doesn't have a license, whatever. So she could, I literally convinced this woman, this woman, she's an angel, calls a friend, guy I don't know at all. And she's like, hey, can you drive this guy that I hook up with?

across the American border who might have COVID because his brother is getting married. Turns out I had strep throat. That's what it was. And then it starts fucking snowing. And then, by the way, the edible, it was the night before. And then I don't know if this happens to anybody else. Once I eat something, it comes back. Like I get like flash. I don't know what it is. I get re-whatever. So she's setting this whole thing up. And then I start getting high and I start getting paranoid. And I'm like...

what if they ask me how I know this guy? Like, can you please come? So now I make this woman, because I'm scared, come to Buffalo with me and this guy. She calls her fiance and is like, hey, that guy I fuck, I'm not leaving the country. I just, he's scared and high and he begged me to take him, to ferry him across the border. So we just, we get to the fucking like immigration crossing and he's like, he's like, the guy's like, what do you have in the suitcase? And I was like,

Just regular stuff. He's like, what are

what do you mean? I was like, um, clothes and stuff like that. And then he's like, how do you know these people? And I was like, well, she goes to school with him and we met online. And then she's like, we're friends. Like, I was about to blow it. I'm high as shit. And then the guy fucking just lets me through. I go to the Buffalo ticket counter. I go to JetBlue and I buy a ticket like it's the 40s. I'm like, one ticket to New York, please. Yeah.

Literally like $300 in cash because I had to get rid of some cash. It was fucking crazy. I just gave this guy however much Canadian, but they were fucking real strict about it. And that was one of the most nerve wracking experiences. Just mind.

Like skirting Canadian COVID laws I can't imagine Sort of semi-illegally Being trapped there Like they No I was applying I was updating everything And doing all the paperwork But there was like one point Like where if you were Doing certain things outdoors It was like a $6,000 fine Jesus Christ If you were gathered A couple of people Montreal was really fucking Damn Strict I mean it was fucking miserable Yeah It was miserable I didn't jerk off once in 15 months Wow It's insane And the minute I got home

I went fucking crazy.

I think I jerked off through the checkpoint the second I was back in the US. I saw Old Glory. They're like, no old American come. It might carry COVID. Damn, that's fucking wild. Yeah, it was nice to be there, but I was just kind of fucking fin... And I didn't do stand-up for over a year. It was fucking crazy. I don't know how guys did it online. I couldn't do it online. Couldn't do it. I didn't do a single one. I honestly feel a little better about it because I'm just like...

Because up until that, I had this real maniacal, like, if I take two days off, I suck dick at stand-up. So it kind of was free. That was the one silver lining where it's like, now I'm like, oh, actually, I think it made me, in some ways, better. Because I got a little, you know, you get away from your material. You don't live it every fucking day. You get a little context. So I like it. I'm going to take a little just break because I don't feel like doing stand-up. But it was weird. There was definitely that moment where you're like...

damn, do I ever be good at this again? Yeah, but the problem is I took the break to like, just, hey, I'll get some like a little life experience. But then the second I come back, no one wants to hear about that life experience. So like, if the pandemic's over, fuck, we're done with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. There was nothing worse. And the thing is, audiences were so hungry when you got back that you thought those were good jokes because they're crushing. And then like,

The second that sheen of like, you know, the like, oh, we were trapped inside. As the second those audiences got back to normal, like,

Like, there's nothing worse than a guy doing still to this day his pandemic observations. And you know it's out there. Yeah, it sure is. You see those guys are, like, trying to update it. They're like, yeah, did you see they're trying to make us get vaccinated again? And they're like, when the first time I actually got Johnson & Johnson, boy, that one was pretty shitty, huh? Oh, they're bringing it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shelter in place. Oh.

That is the worst about topical shit. It's like when it starts to come back around how somebody's like, ah, here's a great chance to make it fresh again. And it's not. Well, Michael Jackson died 10 years ago today. Remember when he... I remember when he dangled that baby out of the window. That's the nicest thing you did to a kid. Yeah.

I fucking love it, dude. Yeah, that's awesome, man. Well, congrats to you for living the domesticated life these days. It is the domesticated life. I live the life of a gentleman. Yeah, no strange. And I really love it. It's fucking great. Like, I can't believe I'm... I never thought I would like it. I was like, never. I'm never getting fucking married. But, you know. Yeah, that's nice. I mean, because I got to imagine...

Like food addiction on the road is pretty I mean all of them are bad. Yeah, but sex also It's like that could probably put you in some fucking strange situations in fucked-up towns and a lot of you a lot of it's just time wasted like it's just sex and food are kind of similar where it's like a dopamine like you can't not do it you have to have you have to be a little sexual in life you have to eat. Yeah, yeah, true, true, true. So a lot of times I wouldn't even see anybody I would just edge online and hours wasted. You know that fucking like it's like I'm on a coke bench

I'm done. I'm fucking... I'm just... Then I'm hungry. Like, as soon as I come, I order food. Like, it's awful, man. I... When I... So, I open for you so far. You know, this is like...

Magoobies like probably a decade ago, right? I was hosting. I wasn't even featuring. And you brought, you were, Kenny, Club Soda Kenny was with you. Did you do that as like a save me from myself, like have a chaperone type thing or was it literally security, have a friend, road manager? He was a road manager and I don't need security because of, oh, the, you know, there's fans are beating the door down. But you get enough threats after a while. I mean, I know about the, because like,

Just opening for you that, because I was a huge, you know, the radio, I mean, big Opie and Anthony fan. Like, I knew all you guys. It was awesome. But I had never experienced, and I was so pumped. I was like, this is going to be cool. You know, I was a fan of yours, a huge fan of yours. And then I was like, oh, I wonder what those crowds will be like. It'll be cool. And it was. A lot of them were great. And then the peep, and then you would see, like...

eight guys who are wearing the virus shirt who have, you know, just like did not smile once during my set, the feature set or your set and then dead eyed afterwards, just like came up to you. You're like, you're a genius, Jim. Will you send like ask you to sign shit? And it was like, I can imagine that fan base because it does feel like part of it kind of mutated into the Comptown fan base. Yeah, I do feel like we got a little bit of that.

Most of these people are awesome and then like 1% are, you know, freaks that should be taken to a sanitarium. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like Michael Myers level autism. Yeah, yeah.

Just fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoyed you. Yeah, yeah. And see, back when you had those guys, luckily when they were in my fan base, anime, they had found anime. Oh, yeah, yeah. So a lot of those guys were jacking off to that. Yeah. But all they had was Opie and Anthony in your days. Yeah. There was no straight from, no Japanese subtitled shit to get fresh. No, it was ONA and fucking... Maybe Trains. Trains and ONA, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was a Lionel train or fucking or the virus tour. It was so crazy. Like those fans are so... But when they hate you, they hate you. Right, right, right. Some of them are still there and some have turned. I don't care. It's like... It was a lot of fun, man. It was a lot of fucking laughs for 10 years. I mean, truly did come all of podcasting. That's the seed in a lot of ways. Like...

just that vibe of everybody hanging out. Yeah. Doesn't never, like that was the first place you really got it. I mean, at least on the East Coast, I know maybe people on the West Coast will say there was other versions of it, but it's like, you know, but that was it because it was like, you know, everybody, and nobody was doing as good as they should have. I feel like comedians, you guys really had the fucking cluff. Like right now, it's like hilarious. The tickets were selling and I don't understand what's happening. I'm not, I'm not experiencing that stuff. Yeah.

I am from the other side I don't understand Yeah But I just feel like Everybody on that show Was so fucking funny And like And then Earned Like You finally had a platform To like show how funny you were Where it's like Everyone was kind of hungry And you guys were all friends For so long Yeah It was just so rich For like hilarious shit To come out of it Because there was like Real friendship there And plus It was like the funniest guys Who were like And I feel like You know From being funny on that show It was like

tickets started moving, all that kind of stuff. But it was cool. It was just great. And, you know, it's still... Some YouTube compilations, you'll still find those up. Those are still fucking hilarious. I listened to... Plus, it was... Don't forget, we had five... It was five hours a day. Damn. At one point. Like, four hours a day, and then it was six to 11 at one point. Yeah. And it was... I mean, and you had so many funny people coming through. Yeah. They'd hang for hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, you had a long... There was a lot of meandering, too, and a lot of shows sucked. Sure, sure, sure. And a lot of bad days. But there was so much fucking...

There was so a lack of pressure because it was just a long conversation. And Howard had comics on, but he was more the interviewer. It was just a different vibe than Opie and Anthony. A great interviewer. I mean, one of the best. I mean, you'll listen to like, I'm a big fresh air guy to this. Like, I just love an interview with like, it gets in depth. And you'll hear like NPR stuff.

like uptight interviewers be like still listen to Howard Stern he's great at interviewing yeah but yeah it was a completely different thing no that's fucking awesome dude and it was fun I mean it was I laughed harder I still listen to like the Anthony makes Jim laugh I can't listen to any of the old shit it makes me sad because I remember it yeah like I can't listen to Patrice's shit I get that but I listen to those uh

Fucking Anthony makes Jim Norton laugh. Yeah, yeah. Dude, every time it makes me laugh because it's Anthony being funny. No, I know. I'll sometimes... On YouTube, it'll be like a Comptown clip will come up and Nick will be saying something, you know, doing some bit and I laugh and my laugh matches up with the laugh that I'm listening and I'll just be like, yeah, this is...

I completely forgot because I remember you. It's like you forget. Every bit of it. I've forgotten everything. We talked for so... I mean, we only did a fucking two hours a week and it felt like... I don't know how the fuck you motherfuckers did four hours a day. But even that, it's like I forgot. So it is funny how you're like, oh, yeah.

I find this exactly as funny as I did five years ago. And it's not the pressure of hating myself. Right, right, right. People are like, do you remember when you said that? No. Yeah, not at all. I truly don't. I don't remember that day. I don't remember that segment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I will listen to stuff of Anthony being really funny. Or if Patrice is on with me, there's been times where there will be a bit where Anthony's doing something, Patrice was there. It's not like I just shut it off. Of course. But I can't go down. I get that. You don't want to look up your tragically past early friend. You find it depressing and it overrides the... But there's always laughs there. Even when I go back and listen, I'm like, yeah, this was a funny fucking show. And I feel like...

You know, like, I'm glad I was a part of that. Like, I'm lucky to have been with those guys who let comedians shine. And we brought a lot of fucking comics in. And they were funny. And it's cool to be a part of something so, like, yeah, so influential. It's like, you know, Comptown wasn't anything like... We didn't influence fucking, you know, all of podcasts. But it's like, that's how I feel about the show. You guys changed it with Patreon, though. You guys with Patreon, you were the bar. Everyone said Comptown, those guys with Patreon. Shout out to fucking...

To Chapo Trap House, our friends who did a political podcast, also a comedy. They're very funny guys. But if it wasn't for those guys, we were... Nick was roommates with them. They were doing Patreon and we were like, all right. I was like, yeah, whatever. I mean, I thought it was going to fail from the jump. You know what I mean? I never thought... I was like, I thought... Remember when it felt like podcasts were over after like... It was like, well, Marin did it, but nobody else. And then it turns out, boy, was everybody... Well, I guess I was wrong. But yeah. But it's still, you know, I'll be like, yeah, we made some fucking hilarious... It's fun to be like, that was...

We had some bangers on there. Yeah. We had some real good ones. So no, but you don't think, so why not adopt a fat black child maybe, you know, name it Patrice Jr. You know what I mean? Because it wouldn't be funny and I would hate it.

Or it would be like him and I'd hate it more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. Do a little seance. Get his spirit back in a fat girl's body. Patricia. Patricia.

I love it. Well, listen, clearly Jim is an expert on what our, I hope you have some, I hope you've prepared some questions that Jim can weigh in on, some sex addicts and whatever. We take some calls from our audience. Now, are these people who are listening? No, no. This is just voicemail. Oh, the voicemails. Yeah. We do live calls later, but it's too. Okay.

But you can't overrun an Albanian with too much to do at once. If we had to get these people live, forget it. Nothing would ever happen. It's a call order. It's a call order. Go ahead, Elders. Play us our first call. Oh, and before, let's plug, you got the tour coming up. Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Before we get into that, give us a tour. Give us people where they can find it. My tour picture stinks. I look terrible. It's an awful... I need a new photo. I'm losing weight.

I look disgusting. We didn't even get into your body dysmorphia, actually. I would have loved that. It's not body dysmorphia. It's 20-20 vision. Yeah.

I trust you. I look like shit. But I look... The tour is called Now You Know. It starts... I get a bunch of dates in California, Texas, everywhere. Love it. And Nikki and Jim NYC on YouTube. I hope people like... Look, what I do with my wife is not... It really is how we are. It's not like... We're not trying to fucking pass a message. Right, right, right. All we want to do is just basically indoctrinate children. That's all we want to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it off! Yeah.

Yeah, Jim actually will be touring middle schools across America and seeing the boys with fine bone structure. He'll be chopping them off. Well, hello, little Marky. You need bosoms.

No, there's zero messaging. I think people who like it really like it, so I hope they think it's funny and entertaining. Well, it's got to be interesting. We'll get to the cause too, but it's like, I do feel like the trans, it almost is bordering on hack now, how many people feel the need to have a take on trans stuff in comedy, where it's like, this is so interesting because it's like, you're just living your life as a regular couple, and it is actual like,

Like the honesty of it. It's like, it's just refreshing because I do feel, I don't know what the fuck is going on where it's just like, not every open mic-er needs to fucking have an opinion on trans issues. Not every open mic-er needs to have an opinion on most issues anyway. But there is something that I don't understand why everybody thinks they need to fucking weigh in. It's weird. I think because it's, first of all, everyone, it's just there and everyone is so talking about it. But it's also the thing that,

that people think there's the high wire risk of if I say it wrong, I'm dead. And if I say it right, I'm a hero. Whatever that right or wrong is, like it's different in every different place. I guess that's fair, yeah, yeah. But they think that they're going to say something that's, and I just, and people have gotten mad at me for shit I've said. It's like, fuck it. Yeah, but it's at least you have, like at least you have, you know, first of all, you've gone into credit card debt over the trans issue. I've sacrificed my tonsils for this show. Yeah.

But you have real life experience. It's just interesting. Whereas like everybody else is like, oh, let's do some watered down version of a joke that already wasn't funny that they're stealing or whatever. Yeah, and I don't want to fucking preach. It's not about that at all. That's why I think it's so interesting is because that is the opposite of who you are as a comic. You really are just like, you know, like just say whatever. You clearly are a free speech absolutist for sure, but that's not like...

That you're not a message guy You're just like You should just be able to say Whatever the fuck you want Yeah And so that's why I think It's extra interesting No one's accusing you Of doing it for clout Or anything like that No This is just really your life No I hate to break it to people But when you're 55 The key to success in showbiz Is not hey my wife has a dick Oh my god Sign this kid Yeah

But people have said that to me, too. People who don't know what they're talking about are like, dude, your career. I'm like, you have no fucking idea how this is not going to help anything. Jim's in a Marvel movie next week. Actually, your character from Spider-Man, we're doing a whole reboot around him. The guy on the train? Yeah. Let's bring him back. He gets powers. I just made a sale. Oh, man.

Mmm, I just made a sale. Thanks to Shopify.

I love Shopify, a beautiful platform to sell your stuff on. When I started podcasting, doing stand-up, I had no idea we would have, we got a thriving, beautiful merch store. We got seasonal items on there. We're doing sales. We got a whole thing going on. I used to just sell t-shirts out of my 1994 Honda Civic, which I called Fredo.

Because like Fredo from the Godfather series, it was unreliable and it tried to betray me. It would break down constantly. That's what I used to sell all my merch out of. Thank God that I started using Shopify probably about five years ago, five, six, seven years ago. It was beautiful to work with them at the early stages when I wasn't moving that much merch. We weren't moving that many calendars to this year where we sold a nice amount of calendars. Thank you. And thank you to Shopify for making that process so easy. I

I used to literally hand write labels and shit like that. That's where we were when we started working with Shopify. Now we got a whole operation. We got our friend and his wife actually...

He employs his children, but he pays them a fair wage. Whatever. We're still growing, and that's the beauty of Shopify. You know, we're going to get... They've seen us from the very beginning. Slowly, we've been building it up, and hopefully Stavi Baby Shop is going to be... StaviBaby.com slash merch is going to be a global... What is it? Stavi.biz. Shop.stavi.biz. Shop.stavi.biz.

We've never had stopybaby.com. God, I'm dumb.

So anyway, look, I love Shopify. They've been there for... This is how dumb I am. And thanks to Shopify's help, I have actually been able to grow a very... A nice merch business that helps us out a lot. You know, you don't buy shirts. Eldest doesn't get paid. I don't know if you know that. It's tied directly, the sales we make. He makes about 0.2 cents per piece of merchandise. Getting him up to about $14,000 a year right now. Um...

Shopify is incredible. If you have anything you want to sell, no matter what it is, you're a candle guy, you're a candle girl. Eldest was going to make candles. Eldest was going to sell soaps at one point. Remember that? He was going to make soaps and put them on Etsy. That idea isn't fully put to bed yet. Well, listen, if you do it, Eldest, use Shopify. And here's how you're going to do it, just like our friends. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Stavi.

all lowercase, go to Shopify.com slash Stavi now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash Stavi, S-T-A-V-V-Y. There it is, the sale just right on time, folks. Sorry, Jim. All right, Aldis, there we go, buddy boy. Hit us with our first question. Hey, Scott. Hey, Aldis. Hey, guys. Big fan of y'all. I'm not playing dickhead. Been listening.

It's going through headphones. Hey, Alden. Hey, guys. Big fan of y'all. Been listening to y'all since episode one. Thanks, Brady. Appreciate what you guys have done. Really been helpful for me and my mental health. Maybe for therapy. Maybe more comfortable about a lot of different things. But this is a more for a lighthearted question to ask you guys. So I've been marrying my wife for about a decade now. She has two kids. And each time she goes through birth and breastfeeding, she goes from like a B to an F up.

sort of an abnormal large transition of breast growth. They just blow up to some massive size, and they're like fucking perfect. And I'm fortunate and blessed to have this, and I'm not trying to sit here and be like, oh, it's fucking gloating. I am going to gloat. This is fucking incredible, and I'm happy to have it. But also, so at the end, when they go back to normal size, I just stopped feeding our kids through the breast. Kid two is about one and a half now.

About to stop and she's talking about stopping. So, a thing I wanted to ask you guys is I know this is basically done. I know that I have embraced the large breasted part of my wife for the last time, probably pretty soon. And also, I'm asking you guys, how do I convince her to get, like, a breast implant? Like, not, like, huge to what they are now, but, like...

just a little, you know, push up. It's been awesome. And I, you know, I'm very happy. They're not trying to do anything stupid, but also I,

Don't want to let a good thing end. And also, I could have another kid, but fuck that. I don't want another kid. So anything you could offer would be appreciated. Love you guys. Thank you so much. How do I trick my wife into getting bigger tits? Because while she's feeding, literally feeding our children with her body, her tits make my dick harder. By the way, that guy talked with the cadence of somebody calling 911 for killing his family. Yeah.

She's laying in the kitchen. I hit her with a bat and then I shot my children.

He really has a baited breath. He's catching his breath from stabbing a child. Damn, buddy. You know, I don't know how old, you know, there's something romantic. You know, I've always said I just want to find the right girl to buy a new pair of titties for. You know, that's kind of what I'm looking for in life. I lucked out. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, yeah, that's so, yeah, you absolutely, you got, do you ever, what if she came in one day and she was like, I think I'm going to chop my dick off. What would you do then, Jim? I'd go to the airport and say, God bless. It's been nice. It's been real. It's been nice, but it hasn't been real nice. Fuck that. Fuck that.

I know, I heard. I was listening to the podcast you guys did with Whitney and you were like, you know, whatever she wants to do with her body, you know? And then, you know, I'm just thinking about you just sweating the day she says she wants to chop her dick off and you're like, fuck, she called my bluff. Yeah, I know. Well, I'll tell you one thing about her. She doesn't. Yeah.

You really have them at your match. Oh, my God, yeah. You really have them at your dream girl. I really have. I lucked out. I'm happy. So, yeah, you know, look, buddy, I think you just got to ride this out. I mean, if you really want to do it, slowly over time, kind of gaslight her, make her feel bad. Be like, wow, this is...

you know, your friends were saying some really mean stuff about your tits the other day. Or not even her friends, but like, you know what? I just had to go give that lady a talking to over at Planet Fitness. When we were walking out, she talked about how disgusting your tits were. And I just can't have someone talking about my wife that way. Yeah, I said, you don't call my wife a pancake-titted idiot. Ha ha ha!

Now, funny, if this is ever too much for you and you don't want to deal with this the rest of your life, you say the word and I'll tighten my belt and afford breast implants somehow. I'll pick up a couple extra shifts at the plant. Whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself. But don't slip up. Don't say it like if you ever don't want to look like a pile of shit, say it diplomatically. That's a tough call. How do you tell your wife you want her tits bigger? Yeah.

Tough. Yeah, very tough. Oh, man. I think all you can do is hope that, you know, the messaging in American culture gets to her. How everybody talks about how women's bodies are bad and all that stuff. Hope that she's not in touch with herself and sees through that stuff and is happy with who she is. Hope that, you know, she walks past one too many Maybelline...

one too many Victoria's Secret billboards, and that, you know, she wants to, because that's happened before. I know people who have been in relationships whose, like, wives want to do it themselves, but you can't do it unless you do our patented little breadcrumb method. Yeah. You really have no, you're just a, and don't be too happy when she floats the idea either. She's like, I'm thinking about getting breast, yes! You know what I mean?

You gotta let it... You gotta be like, oh, I don't... I just love you for how you are, you know? Don't act like Ralph Cramden when he hears the will. I'm rich! Exactly. You gotta slow play it even when she does admit that she wants big titties, big, big titties. Yeah, are you sure if it's what you want? I mean, that's okay. And just try and hide your smile. Maybe wear a COVID mask when she tells you so that she doesn't see you fucking smiling ear to ear. Yeah, keep a book on your lap. She goes...

See your dick just jump. The prospect of her awful tits finally being humanized. Yeah.

Fucking udders. Oh, man. That has got to be... It's also got to be... What you could also do is pretend you don't know why and just be really nice to her while her tits are big. That's another thing. Like, get her flowers, take her out, you know, hire a babysitter to watch the infant and really, like... And then once they go, you know, change your behavior again, and let her do the math. Yeah.

Let her figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I'm breastfeeding, he brings me breakfast in bed. And then when it's done, he's out till four in the morning and he makes oinking noises when I walk in the room.

Now, also, isn't there some way, because isn't birth control like tricking your body into thinking you're pregnant? Maybe we got to get her on a specific birth control to get her titties big. I don't know, pal. You know, there's not, you're just in a tough predicament and just hope she wants big titties someday. Yeah. Well, look at pictures of fucking Jerry Lewis's head when he was on Pregnanzone or whatever it was. Yeah.

And just tell him, if your tits look like that, that'd be a lot nicer to you. Yeah, put her on some weird steroids for that whatever disease he had. Yeah, I forget what it was, but he was on a steroid and his head got all fucking fat. He was huge. Frog-like. Yeah, it was crazy. All right, good luck to our friend there, Eldis. What else we got?

Wouldn't you like a follow-up from that guy? I would. I would like to. Please call in. Let us know if it happened, how little your wife's tits are now. If you have any pictures of them real big, take them. I would also, okay, one more. This is so funny. This is the question we've attacked from the most angles. You're teeming with ideas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

People are like, I'm thinking about killing myself. I'm like, hey, buddy, go to therapy. Next question. This guy's, I'm like, you know, how does she react? But how does she, you know...

You must comment on her tits. Like, it's not like a woman knows that her body is different. She is much more aware of you, of how much, how big her tits are than even you are. Yeah. She knows her body. So it's like, how does she react? Does she like having big ass tits? Does she talk about it? You know what I mean? You might have an opening there. Like, well, if you like them, if you like them so much, I guess we could get them bigger. Anyway, I'm done. I can't.

I can't be seen giving this much thought to this question anymore. You don't want to give away your fucking, your true intentions. You got to hide the motive. Yeah, absolutely. And does he like the breastfeeding point? That's a fetish for guys. The mothering, nurturing thing. Like, is it just the big tits or is it more of what it means? Maybe you get a little milk in there. People say it's sweet. I haven't tried it. Oh, man.

We get it, Jim. You're sort of gay. No, I'm not complaining about the viscosity. Color and viscosity, you're fine. It doesn't even hurt your eye when it gets in there. It's not going to give me pink eye. It's not a real substance. No, I've heard breast milk. We've had guys drink it on the show years ago, and they said it leaves almost a body odor aftertaste. Somebody said something like it just...

It was such a fucking visceral reaction I got from it. Like the aftertaste is supposed to be weird. Yeah, we've covered breastfeeding on this show. We had Louis Katz on here. Is he into it? He has gotten breast... He definitely drank some breast milk. And we discussed whether it was weird. To me, it almost has to be an intimacy that borders on some kind of sexual connection. Like having a friend's breast milk seems a little weird to me.

Anyway, we don't have to... Check out the Louis Katz app. Now we're citing former podcasts. Check out Katz et al. It's Stavi's world. It's only good to drink a woman's breast milk if you know that you're depriving the child because it's fun to fuck up that bond. Right. If you're getting a psychological boost out of it, that's one thing. Oh, they'll never connect now.

I don't even like this. This kid's fucked. This kid will be buying as many prostitutes as I did. Next one. Next one, Big Eld. Hey, Stav. Got a question for you. Love the show. First time calling. So I'm 33. Been married since I was 21.

And I'm a wrestling coach. My wife just doesn't put up. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. I'm like begging for once a month. It's pathetic. So recently I was in a wrestling class and I'm teaching these kids. And afterwards I get a DM from one of their moms saying,

And he basically says, "Hey, anytime, anywhere, just let me know." I accepted that invite. - Hell yeah, pause this.

I love when someone calls us like after the crime has been committed. It's like, what do you want me to do now? It's like calling your buddy. It's like, hey man, my hands, my car is full of blood. Can you come with some Ajax? It's like, you guys know Mr. Wolf? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly dude. I'm sorry brother, I ain't Harvey Keitel. And if I am, it's from the bad lieutenant. Yeah, the part where he's trying to fuck the babysitter. That's it.

Show me how you suck a cock. Came on her door. My hero. Spit your gum out. He was so specific. Great movie. Great film. We should do that for our first Davi's World Film Club episode, Eldest. Anyway, let's finish. Let's see what our friend here has to say. It's a fucking 10 out of... Yeah, she is so hot. Does everything. It's amazing. I can't even get a fucking blowjob at home.

Yeah, no shit. Obviously. That much is true. Yeah, you're fucked, pal.

Love you. Looking forward to seeing you at one of your shows coming up in Phoenix whenever you're coming through. Yeah. Have a great New Year. Not shocked this is the Phoenix area, by the way. There's a MILF just lurking at wrestling practice. Well, it's also because he's in Phoenix and he's coaching all day and his balls are probably sweaty and his wife's like, I don't want to go near these things. By the way, here's the thing. Here's what I love about this call.

He's tried everything. I wonder if that... I wonder if trying everything is also being nice to your wife, doing a couple... Like, what do you mean you've tried everything? Like, you got her a present? Like, truly, have you tried everything? Have you talked to her? Do you know why she doesn't want to put out, like...

I got a hunch you haven't tried everything, pal. I got a hunch with how quickly you fucked some random whore in your DMs, you weren't as thorough trying to rekindle the romance with your wife. By try everything, you mean you rubbed her back for 10 minutes while you were watching Jeopardy. And you're like, no!

Fine. Then go did fucking tackling drills by yourself in your garage. I'm team this guy. I'm team this guy. I respect this guy. Yeah, I mean, look, from what I'm hearing here, and listen, do you have kids is my biggest question. Sure. And if you don't have kids, pal, it sounds like, again, just going off of what we know, a completely sexless, begging for it relationship in your, you know, early 30s.

Sounds like there's some red flags in the relationship. You're probably not really connecting as much. Maybe she's overworked. Like, look, I don't know the median income of a fucking high school wrestling coach. I'm guessing it ain't that far. Did she pull in double shifts to pay rent? Yeah. Like, what did you mean try everything? Did you go to grad school? Did you get your fucking... Are you hanging drywall when you're not wrestling? Like, you know, how much...

There's just so much to a reason women don't want to fuck their husbands. And oftentimes it gets so shrunken down to, she's being a fucking bitch. When it's like, she's probably stressed out. There's probably so many factors. And if there aren't,

and you guys are just fundamentally incompatible sexually then either answer you probably shouldn't be together right or she's on only fans all day two of the kids he teaches wrestling while he's at work and she's tired they've got her in a full nelson

Yeah, there's so many reasons. But so many guys... That was my greatest fear about marriage. That all of a sudden the person doesn't want to fuck anymore. They don't want to... That's what happens. That's every fucking married guy who's over 40 complains, I don't get blown anymore. This doesn't happen. They all complain about that shit. Right, right, right. And to me, almost always, there is something that they are... Whenever you hear a guy complain about that or anybody, a person complain about that, it's like...

They're oftentimes ignoring the reasons they're doing to feed into this. Right. You know what I mean? Where it's like, yeah, your relationship is probably bad on some level. And you have just been... You don't get to just like fuck some lady for... Look, it wasn't even like one time and you were overcome with guilt and you stopped. You fucked this bitch for a couple months. You're like... You're actively during this call, you're like...

I got to stop it, but the pussy's so good. Like in the middle of saying you need to stop, you're like, you're not even hard right now. You're like, it's one of those guys completely flustered talking to me and he's talking about how good the pussy is. Well, he's talking himself into why he's going to do it again. He's not going to stop and he shouldn't stop. Keep fucking them off. Enjoy. But you do have two paths, my friend.

And one is much harder, unfortunately. And maybe it doesn't sound... It sounds like he's setting himself up to feel like he had no choice. Yeah. But to break up or to cheat. You did have a choice. You do have a choice. But you have to be honest with yourself. What is the real reason you and your wife don't fuck? Is it really her being kind of a bitch? Or are there problems in your relationship? Either way, you have cheated, right? And...

Yeah, either gotta come either got to stop and kind of come clean Which is gonna be brutal and you're not gonna do I can tell you that you don't feel like you're gonna do it Or maybe you have to just fucking I mean be honest and see is this really you know, you love your wife very much and

You know, you didn't love her that much if you're getting your fucking ass eaten for a couple months. Again, it wasn't even like a once spur of the moment thing. It's like once you're locked into even a fling, I do think there is levels to cheating. You're in kind of a...

And by the way, what's the... It's a kid's mom that you... Like, that's a fuck. You're an idiot. You're gonna get caught. That's the other thing. It's like, she might know. This is probably from a couple months ago. This guy's probably getting divorced right now and she's got the house. You're fucked. Like, you gotta, you know... Stav, I'm gonna say this is the first time a high school coach has been my hero. What a great move. You got put out at home. You'll fuck that damaged kid's broken mother...

It's awful. By the way, be careful of the husband. That's what you've got to remember. There's a guy in her life who either knows she's cheating or suspects or he's fucking lurking. And if he doesn't shoot you, he'll blow you up at home. So just be careful. But keep doing it. I would say keep fucking her because if your wife is not going to give you what you've got to go out there and just keep fucking her. Teach her a lesson. You've earned it, coach. Wish I had a whistle. Yeah.

He's just holding a clipboard that says, keep getting pussy. Check. All right, well, good luck. God bless. You're kind of fucked here, but all right, what else we got, Eldis? Hey there, Stav. Hey, Eldis. Hey, guest. So my problem is I'm a 37-year-old kid

And for most of my life, my friends and I have been pretty adventurous. We will book trips to around the world, do backpacking, go kayaking, do these like really big kind of grand things. And the problem that I'm running into now is

I'm at an age where I know I'm not going to have two more years of this. You know, if you're trying to do these, like, push yourself harder and harder sorts of things, you get, I don't know, maybe early 40s to be able to keep doing these sorts of things. And at this point, most of the friends that I've grown up doing all this with, they're at an age where they're starting to have kids and just they're not available to do these things anymore.

And so here I am knowing that I only have a few more years to do this, but I just don't have the guys that I've done this with forever to do it with anymore. And I'm trying to figure out how do I keep moving forward and trying to create these really cool memories that mean something to me. How many times, sir, have you been in a party talking and then you realize you were holding a drink and everyone was left?

You're just by yourself. No one wants to do your gay little triathlons. They want to fucking see their child grow up. What's the cooler memories? The first steps of a baby? Or like, oh, wow, you fucking climbed a mountain with another guy who lives in his van, dude. It's not... I'm sorry to shit on you, but it's like, yeah, that's what you're talking about. You like it. They have moved on. Anyway, let's see.

Is he droning on his side? Does he get to the point soon, Eldest, do you think? Yeah. And trying to create these really cool memories that mean something to me while not having the core groups that I've had to do it with forever. Okay. There is a question in here. From my understanding, there's really two options. Either make friends with people who are in their late 20s and keep doing this. God, that feels pathetic at my age. Sure. Or, on the flip side, you

you start signing up for these like adventure groups where you have a guide and they take other similar minded people out to do these things. I've done those in the past. And usually one that ends up happening is they shave all the danger out of it so that you have, what's going on for you. They're cooking all your lunches. Like you're not doing any of the stuff that actually makes the trip hard and therefore fun. And so I know I've got to do something because again, it really means something to me. Why figure out how,

Why does this mean something to you? Losing these people that have been important to you for this sort of stuff. To this thing, I'm never going to have kids. That's not important to me. And so I'm losing them to something that just doesn't matter to me at least. The joke I did in the middle of this, this is real opinion. I hope I wasn't too scatterbrained there with the way I explained that. Really love the show and thanks for taking the call. So funny. I missed it. Can we hear that again? Yeah.

Yeah, dude, you're like, they are right and you are wrong. And I get that too, right? Because like, I've definitely experienced that where it's, you know...

I hired my best friend otherwise this motherfucker would be writing listicles for some horrible website right now and I'd barely see him right there is I definitely felt that way as a comedian where it's like my life's dumb as shit like when I go back to Baltimore and I you know I look at my little who are in my head are my little brothers and my brother's talking about having kids and shit like that I'm like

He's a baby. Yeah, 32 year old man, but to me it's like this is a fucking little kid So it's like people grow up bro. People have kids if you want to be and you're right It is pathetic like making like, you know making new friends or whatever It's like it is kind of like like getting marriage the right move because I talk about all the time being like a guy in your 40s 50s who's just as like a pussy hound

Bad guy. Yeah. You don't want to be that guy. It's a rough go. It's fucking sad, dude. It sucks. And you are sort of the like... You're the like... You know, hiking equivalent of that guy. You're like adventure tourism equivalent of that guy. And so...

You're either going to have to make new friends or, yeah, I love how you're like, it's just, I'm losing them to something that just doesn't matter. It's like raising a family does matter. Yeah. It's objectively more important than what you're doing, than fucking paragliding. Yeah. You eating trail mix and then wiping your ass with poison ivy doesn't matter.

Now it matters to you. We get it. You create Miro meaning whatever. But yeah, your puckered up asshole isn't a big deal. So I think if you look at it one of two ways, yes, either work on finding different ways

Maybe people that are also like-minded. You know, if you're not a person who does... If you're a person who doesn't want to have kids, there's probably people out there and it's sort of in your same boat. Sure. If this is really what matters to you, again, whatever, not my thing, but whatever. You like doing it? You like doing it. Or, you know...

Stick maybe. Meet these people. What's more important to you? The hike or the people? Right? And if it's the people, you're going to have to go to some little kid birthday parties. Okay, one year you don't get to fucking go surfing with your boys. One year you go to a cabin with all their kids or whatever. And it's like maybe you want to...

maybe show his their kids this kind of shit teach their kids about hiking camping all this kind of shit whatever like you have to decide what's more important to you the friends or the fucking little activities and why do you really want to cheat death with a mount like with your vacation he's talking about how the danger's gone and all this shit is like what is missing from your life i just don't feel alive i want to circumcise a ram i don't feel like i'm living

Yeah, dude. So that's... And maybe you'll be able to get your friends, you know, maybe you have to take a break from these people until their kids get a little older and they can get a weekend away or whatever. But this is life, brother. People fucking grow up, move on, and you're the one who is...

I'm not going to say wrong, but you're the one who has a different lifestyle than them and it's up to you to decide do you want to fit in or do you want to find some more, you know, weird little adventure tourists like you. You think that his friends don't want to hear about his fucking stand-by-me body on the train track story anymore? You guys remember? Yeah. Yeah.

We do. Yeah, we do, but we have shit to do, man. I know. How much better does that coach look right now? Yeah. Can you go cheat on your wife or something? Fucking the other mom having a good time. That guy sounds cool compared to you. He's the best. Cheating's better than fucking...

hiking I'll tell you that much dangerous hikes where you have to eat raw fucking like goat liver or whatever the fuck you find on the trail kayaking bunch of men in the woods what a shit weekend that sounds like sounds horrible sounds bad dude

Yeah, sums up with him, though. What is it in your life that makes you have to fucking fill this hole with, like, you know, bungee jumping or whatever the fuck you're doing? Yeah, just wants to be away from people and a little fucking, in a little shed like Ted Kaczynski. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little weirdo in the woods. That'd be cool. If you want to fucking blow up the government, that's cooler than what you're talking about. At least have some drive. At least there's an end game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want to do? Kill everyone. All right.

All right. So, yeah, dude, either try and get your – meet your friends halfway, you know, maybe invest a little bit with their family. Like you either have to compromise with your friends and decide do the people matter or does the thing matter? And if the thing matters, then yeah.

There's no easy answer. You're just going to have to find people that are like-minded and it might take a while. Yeah. But whatever. Fuck you. By the way, what a shit weekend to go camping with your friends and have to teach their kids how to do things. I'm going to work the marshmallow. Oh, I fucking hate this thing. Yeah. Yeah. No, that sounds horrible to me too, but you know, whatever. I am excited to be the bad influence uncle though. That's my... Yes, I guess so. That's my role in a kid's life. Yeah. I can't wait to, you know, Eldest has some kids. Yeah.

You know, engender some self-hating Albanian sentiments inside of the kid. Talk to him about Greek supremacy. Buy him toys his mom expressly forbade me from getting him. Stuff like that, you know? I can't wait for that. What else we got, Big Eld? Eldest, stop, guest. Thanks for taking my call. Calling in from Austin, Texas. Buddy, I got a friend of mine

Has a real bad cocaine problem. Been in and out of sober living for about a year now. Just can't seem to get his life straight. He's one of my wife's friends. And, man, he's just in a bad spot. And I can't, like, get it through his head to just get a job instead of doing Uber Eats all damn day. And stop doing cocaine. And just...

being an adult. He's like 32, 34, and he's just having a really hard time. And I'm not sure exactly what to do at this point because he's basically homeless. He comes over to eat, you know? He doesn't have money to eat. He's living out of his car. His car smells like shit. There's food stains all over his Honda. And

The problem is that he's really hung up over his brother's passing, which happened at least 10, 15 years ago. And what happens is that he'll do a bunch of cocaine and then start getting in his feels and break down.

And this is just a cycle. Cocaine, steals, breakdown, breakdown. I don't really see cocaine as a mourning drug. It's a drug to get sad about. It's a real pick-me-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, do you want to do pills and be sad? Do you want to do heroin? This guy's like, ah, I miss my brother. I haven't seen my brother in either 10 to 15 years. Some vague amount of time. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

10 to 15 is awesome. 10 to 15 is awesome. 10 or 11 is an estimate. 10 to 15, we should meet this guy once. Oh, fuck. All right, finish the call here. ...feels cocaine, and he just doesn't want to better himself. I don't know what to do, man. Me and my wife are kind of at odds, and we love the guy, but any advice you got, we would love. Have a good one. Hmm.

His wife's friend is sad about his brother dying, let's split the difference, say 12 and a half years ago. 12 and a half years ago. And he's just not, I mean, look, what do you do? If you really think this is like about his brother's passing and he has substance abuse issues and you really want to do something for the guy, then like,

take one big effort to put him in fucking rehab, and if it doesn't stick, hey, he's selling taquitos out of the Honda until it breaks down, and then he's sucking cock for life. I don't know what to tell you. Like, if you really want to do it, and your wife is the one who's kind of pushing you along here, then make a real effort. Giving him food and letting him shower in your house isn't exactly fixing anything. Right. You know, it's almost like adopting a raccoon. It's like when you let a cat...

you know, come inside when it snows and then leave it to its own devices the rest of the time. It's like you just kind of have adopted an animal here. You're teaching him that he's always going to get fed. Yeah. He's always going to have a place to come. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe put a little bowl out for him. You know, maybe actually treat him like an animal. Yeah. Have a little hose outside he can use and put a little bowl of chow for him every day. And that's a... Draw your boundary there. But...

Yeah, dude. I mean, you know, just fucking you got to either make a real effort, but this kind of like halfway letting the guy hang out in your life and kind of, you know, suck resources and like stress everybody out. It's like, I don't know. Do your best to help him, but make an actual effort instead of like, I don't know what even is his exact question. Like, what are they doing for you? I don't know what he wants. Yeah. Just to get him to stop doing cocaine.

I think what you got to do is have him come over. And if he wants to take a shower, he has to talk about his brother for 15 minutes without crying. If I see one tear, you're leaving dirty. You're leaving dirty. I'm eating a burrito in front of you. No lunch if you sniffle. One sniffle, motherfucker, and you're out. Yeah, I love that. Showers for therapy. Make him go to therapy. He's been in and out of sober living. I mean, yeah, that's...

So he's been to rehab and it's just not sticking. Yeah, he's using his brother's death as an excuse to continue using. I'm sure he feels bad about it. But that's the reason he pretends he can't stop. Yeah. And that's, you know, that is fucking brutal. I mean, if he's in some kind of shitty setup, like, all you can do is give it a real effort. Try and help him any way you can. But, like, at a certain point, yeah, I mean, it is his... It sucks, but it's his life. Yep. And what would you do? Like...

What do you want to do and what does your wife want to do? And is, I mean, short of...

adopting a grown man. I don't know what you... And even then, it's like, who's to say he's going to stop? I mean, he's got money for cocaine. You know what I mean? Like, can you save his... Can you set up a checking account for him that he can't... Every time he's going to buy coke, put it, like, deposit it and then, you know, get him an apartment. I don't fucking know what to do here. That's a tough one. Hopefully he's doing coke while he drives Uber Eats and he fucking rushes delivery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy's always on time. Yeah.

I wonder what his rating is. We should stop crying on my food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are my nachos soggy? They're here fast, but they're wet. Yeah, man, I don't know. Let's talk about that guy's wife's tits some more. Yeah, big fat birthing tits. Oh, fuck. Let's get something nice, Eldest, you know?

What up, Stav? What up, Elvis? So, I'm going to cut right to the chase, man. Thank you. We appreciate that. I mean, well, what better podcast to ask in? So, I hope viewers are listening and get some... Actually, yeah, I'll cut to the chase. Please do. I like fat women. Nice, dude. Like, not just, like, any fat women. Like, if you're fat, I'm going to fuck you. But, like, I love the fat women. Yeah.

That's awesome.

she's been getting fatter and she keeps going. She's self-conscious about it. I make her not self-conscious. I'm like, oh, you look gorgeous. I mean, obviously, I think she is. And really, she's not fat right now. And I'm not like,

or like some weird bore kink or whatever it's called. I just like the fat body type. You know what I'm saying? Sure. All women. Stav, you're beautiful. Thanks, man. I get it. Anyway, I don't want to... I feel kind of selfish like letting her do this. Like, I don't know if it's selfish to like be like when she...

Like, we'll go to McDonald's and I'll get like just a 10 piece and fries. And she'd be like, what should I get? I'm like, ah, get the 20 piece and the Big Mac. This guy's literally doing the thing we said about the guy's wife's tits. He's literally slowly dropping hints about getting fatter. This is incredible. What a fucking guy. This is literally feeding his wife's addiction. He's like, I don't know if it's selfish that I want my wife to have coronary disease so my dick stays hard. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

She feels bad about it, but I like fucking her 20% more. Yeah, my wife had a mild stroke. Oh, my gosh. She looked great with her fucking legs up in the air. Oh, let's finish it. Obviously, I think she's sexy right now. She's my wife. But, I mean, if she's getting a little fatter, I mean, hey. I mean, it's a win-win. She's getting to eat what she wants, do what she wants, and I get to...

Fuck a fat bitch. So romantic. It feels gross, but I also don't know if I'm doing anything wrong, really, because I'm not, like I said, I'm not, like, force-feeding her or perpetuating it in any way, but I'm also not stopping. So...

Am I like a grimy, slimy dude? Like, I don't know, stop. So let me know. Thanks. This is awesome. I like this swinging back our way for once. Yeah. I like finally somebody's living the dream this fucking broad. You know, look...

If you're like truly forcing her to get fatter, that's what, but it's also like, I think being a neutral party, like somebody gains a little weight in there. Somebody gains a little weight in there. Uh, you know, they've been together a while, life stressful, whatever. That's one thing if you want to, but to be like, Hey, you should get a 20 piece and a big, like to force her hand one way or the other. I,

I think what you need to do is lay back and let nature take its course. I think an American woman who's semi-stressed is going to keep getting fatter. And I think you just, these are the, these are the, the, you know, you live in the right society if you want to fuck a fat bitch.

You sure do. And I'm just saying, this way, if you don't push her in one direction or another, you let nature take its course, you get to, you know what I mean? You get to fuck a fat woman with a clear conscience. You know, it's not up to you to be, hey, listen, you ain't got to be her personal trainer, but you also don't got to fucking tell her to get more fries either. I disagree. Treat your wife like a goose and shove a funnel down her throat like when they want to make fucking...

I'll tell you whatever the fuck it is and feed her until she's where you need her to be. Yep. Chain her up like veal. Make sure she gets no movement whatsoever. Nice tender thighs, not a muscle on them. Fucking big soft wildebeest you can roll around with. Yep, that's beautifully said, Jim. Yeah, dude, let it go, you know.

You're good. Just don't force feed her. Let nature take its course. Don't comment one way or the other. Make her feel better. But if she starts working out and she tries to stop being fat, you can't stop her. That's really the thing. That would be fucked up. If she finally starts putting protein powder and you put Nesquik

in her protein powder to make, you know what I mean? If you're fucking just, she meal preps and you just pour olive oil in it when she's not looking in her steamed broccoli. She's like, mm, this is a really good batch. That's when you're being a fucking dickhead, but you're good right now, I think. You just gotta be, you just gotta, you know, be Switzerland about the whole thing. We're trying to get her into like diabetes porn. You're only jerking off to women who have lost a few toes. Yeah.

Or a fucking... Or a leg. There's a lot of options here. Yeah, if you want to make a little more money, you could get into the... And, you know, doesn't sound like... It sounds like he's at the tip of being in the theater category, this guy. Yeah. He doesn't sound so fat himself. I don't know. He doesn't have a fat voice to me. It's about being... It's also sometimes people are afraid of being left. Yeah.

And somebody who's fat is going to stay. A lot of times it's a fear of abandonment. Interesting. Things like that. Anybody ever feed you? Anybody try and plump you up? Twice a week. No, not at all. No one has ever. Because I don't get like sexy. I get like just doughy. I get like sickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a frog. You melt into yourself. I melt into myself. It's unattractive. Yes, yes. I look like if you held me upside down, my head would get fatter. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I definitely have had a couple women expressly fuck me because they like fucking real big fat guys. Rubbing my belly a little too, in a way that makes me feel like I'm getting molested. Yeah. Great feeling, isn't it? It actually is pretty sick. I feel wanted. I'm like, whoa, what the? Yeah, truly, it kind of fucked me. One time it happened, the first time it ever happened to me,

I was, you know, I had started getting a little pussy off of, you know, online fame. I started getting a little come town pussy and I was on tour and a girl hit me up. I happened to be in her city and I'm like, oh, she must have listened to the podcast. No, I plugged my date. She hit me up.

Complete happenstance. Did not know about the podcast. Followed me because she liked fucking fat guys. And I was like, what the fuck? And she was literally like... I saw a look in her eyes I had never... Even women who loved me, that we were in a relationship with, I saw a look in her eyes where I was like, oh my god. Is this how men look at women in a strip club? I was kind of scared the level of sexual energy that was coming off. And it was like...

Felt cool. She was, you know, a little crazy. Who would have guessed? Of course she was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How good in bed was she? It was out of control. Didn't even so much as look sideways at a condom. Why would you? Why would you?

Really worried about it for months later. Yeah. In the clear. It's been a few years. You know? You have to hold up to the majors when you go up to bat in Yankee Stadium. You don't put a bag over your back. What the fuck you doing? Get dirty. It was crazy. It felt awesome. And that's... I've had a couple of those too happen where it's like somewhere in between where it's like... And it's always true. Like...

Something's wrong with them and they're like something is gone. A screw has gone loose in their head and they are way too hot. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's like some of the hottest women that I've hooked up with have had that feeling. And it's been like, not a lot. Obviously that'd be crazy if there was like, you know, 50 of these women running around, but it was like a nice handful that I will think about quite often. Yeah. Uh, so anyway, I think I'm going to go beat off now. Now, just thinking about you being treated so well.

Just because you're a good friend. I jerk off to my friends being treated with respect. He's being treated like a king for Christ's sake. Anyway, I think that's going to do it for us. Jim, thank you so much for coming on the show. This is so fun, dude. This is great. I loved it and thanks for having me on. Anytime, brother. Anytime you want to come back on, let us know. Go watch the YouTube channel. Go see Jim live. And yeah, we'll see you next week, guys. Bye-bye. Thanks, buddy.