#61 - Ari Shaffir
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. We have a great episode for you. Ari Shafir is on this episode straight from the slopes. And I want to remind you, we are almost out of calendars. The year has begun. You can still get your beautiful Stavi baby official 2024 calendar on sale on our store right now. And what's that? Uh-oh.

Seems like we're making a lot of sales on our store. That's right. You know why? Because we use Shopify, folks. We've been using Shopify for years, and now it's your turn to start using it too. Sign up for $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash stavi, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash stavi, S-T-A-V-V-Y, now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash stavi. Let's start the show, Elders.

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOV. What a beautiful January day. Me and Ari just hit the slopes. He's still dressed for it. I had to get out. You already jumped in the hot tub. I already jumped in the hot tub. Eldest rubbed me down. My quads were all fucking sore from just changing directions, you know. But Eldest rubbed me down. When I came back, there was a heavy rubdown going on.

That honestly must feel so good to be in the, hit the slopes, come down, get in the hot tub and get a happy ending massage. But like a good, it's gotta be a good massage. It's gotta, first, dude, that's all the advice I got from my happy ending people. They're like, hey, give us a massage though. They're like, you're gonna hear a lot of where to go, what not to go. And the rule is, any place with a lock on the door is not a real massage place. What business in the world keeps you out besides diamonds?

Yeah, that's true. Well, they don't want you stealing their ancient oriental techniques. You're going to hear this relaxing music for free? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was like, yeah, get the happy ending, but you got 30 minutes before. Minimum. Okay, interesting. Get that massage, bro. I feel like, yeah, I mean, look.

I think what we need to do is get actual physical therapists who are cool. Who are cool. And they'll jack you off. Get Chris DiStefano. Former PT guys rub you down and jack you off. Yeah.

Yeah. Let him get his nails done. Because really, you want the massage to be better. The jack-off almost anybody could do. Massage is tough. Yeah, you're right. The jack-off is... It's uptown, uptown. You know how to do it. Yep, yep. So, all right. This is our new business model. We go... We buy... We go... We set up shop in a ski town, in a ski resort. Oh, love it. And then we get a resort and then we offer...

Hot tubs, rub downs, jack offs, all in one. Hot tubs, rub downs, jack offs. And there's a big blinking sign. Hot tubs in Whistler, PA or wherever. What was the one in Maryland they wrote? Liberty something? That was so icy. Ski Liberty? Ski Liberty. Yes. I never went. Guys, you're going to not believe this, but I was joking. We actually did not go skiing there.

I already just decided to dress like this to really highlight the January vibes. It's January. You are a skier. You're an accomplished, or I don't know if you're accomplished, but you like doing it. I've broken multiple bones. Yeah, you probably suck at it, but you take ski trips. I know that. You know who's the best and the worst? It's Ian Fidance. Get out of here. He's not good, and he bombs. Wow. He's like, let's go. This is the one time in Ian's life bombing is good. What is that?

That's the thing. He happens. God. Bombing is so in Ian's DNA that if you find a thing where bombing is good, he'll be good at that. Well, I've already got practice in this. We saw like one of the Pit Viper guys and he was like one ski, like one up. And we're like, wow, that's crazy. And Ian's like, I'll try it. I'll do it. And he skied like four times. That's hilarious. And he's up with one fucking leg smoking a cigarette with no helmet. Yeah.

Oh, this blur out Ari's huge bulge when he, next time he raises his, I'm not trying to get, I mean, we're already demonetized because we pretty much started this episode talking about opening up an illicit sex parlor, an illicit massage sex parlor. And we've got a retired Jew's old penis. Why would they allow us to make money in Pampers?

Yeah, that's very interesting. I've never been... I think I would love tubing. Tubing would be great. Just laying down and go down. Sled? Like sled tubing? Dude, I've never done any kind of snow activity whatsoever. Just gonna... Yeah. But I'm worried because there's Bobby's store. I'm also fat as hell and I wonder... You're not fat. I have to... Well, you know, that's true. Yeah.

I'm worried about going too fast down. And Bobby has that story about how he like broke his back or whatever. Because it's like... In front of his son. Yeah, yeah. Do you know who tells us? His son wouldn't know he's a fast failure. Yeah.

Bobby took Max when he was little. He was maybe four or five. I don't remember. And he was like, we're going to go make memories. And they go tubing. And I think Max went first. I don't remember. But Bobby goes down the thing. And it's not rated for someone as fat as him. The velocity. So he blows past the safety measure, goes up and just.

slams himself and I don't remember what the injury was but he he flew dude he got air send it

And he had to pretend to not be injured so his son wouldn't lose respect for him. He was like, I'm okay, I'm okay. And then later at the hospital, he was like, you're definitely not okay. Multiple cracked ribs. You're definitely not a walk it off kind of thing. Damn, next time he's on, we have to get him to recount that. So that, I had never thought about the downs. That was the first time I was like, maybe being fat isn't good. That's the first thing I thought. That's the only thing I had to avoid. Yeah, going too fast.

That's the only negative part. But they serve you first at any restaurant. Right. Skip that line. You always get shotgun growing up, and everyone's resentful. Shotgun, yeah. But they're like, look, this does make the most sense, but it's fucked up that he gets to do it every time. People on planes will ask to switch away from you, leaving you the open next to seat. If you're on Southwest, it's awesome, except for the 5% of the time where it's a completely full flight.

brutal stuff. This was both a mark of success and a deep failure when I was on a Southwest flight. And I hadn't flown Southwest in a while, and I did the rookie move of going exit row. Because you know, a middle exit row is still valuable in Southwest. And it was a pretty full flight. It was like, there's maybe like a handful of empty seats.

so fat that no one sat next to me even in the exit row. And so it was a very comfortable flight, but I was like, damn, I got to get it together. But God did get me back because I

even though he was a very nice guy, the guy sitting next to me was a podcast fan. And so it was like, I did have to talk about, you know, have you ever been hunting with Rogan before? I did have to like answer a couple of questions like that, but it was very sweet guy. But you know, when you're on a plane, you just want to be on an edible and play some stupid game on your phone. Yeah. He literally, cause I think, and it's like, I was on the show once, man. Like it's not like we're best friends. He doesn't, he doesn't think, if you know what I mean.

He's like, what do you mean? I'm like, no, I'm making it up. Nothing really. Nothing. I guess if you really thought about it, the closest thing I could come up with is he oils me up and then he tries to hit me with a suction cup arrow. That's what pig hunting would be. That's how I got on. He greased me up. He put a little fucking hog nose on me. I just love it. It's like, that's the hunt beginning. You're like, but where's my weapon? And they're like...

You think you got on because we like your comedy? You're the fattest comedian we know. He's going to stick his antlers on you. Yeah, yeah. Now run! Why do you think Tim Dillon's such a recurring guest? He's one of the finest hogs we have. Oh, my God!

He had Tim smoking a cigar. He's like, I've graduated now. It's your turn to be the hog. He's like, bad news. They fuck the hog at the end. I'm like, that's not fair. He likes it. I'm straight. He's like, I like fucking twinks, not getting fucked.

All right, point taken. Sorry, I'm just going to do the rest of the podcast. My one-man show of the Hulk hunt. You're a terrible impression of Joe Rogan being gay. No, no, that was Tim Dillon. Alec Baldwin was Tim Dillon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I can't do Rogan. I was like, damn, that's a bad Rogan impression. No, I was doing Tim. Tim was pretty dead on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a lot on my head. I don't know.

Yeah, I'm like, this is my Joe Rogan impression. Oh, you are doing the honk. Oh, I can do that too. I was like, oh, we're so happy you're here. Yeah.

It's me, Joe Rogan. Come on and enjoy the hunt. But yes. Yeah, too fat for the Southwest exit row. That's tough, man. Too fat for Southwest. That's tough. That's your autobiography. Yeah. Although apparently they're letting fat people get two seats, which I think is a big win for fat rights. And it will piss people off so much, which I love.

Can we have a new character called Fat Rife? Fat Rife? I mean, you could argue that basically is me. You could argue our careers are pretty similar. Yeah, it's like all this crowd work, special, all YouTube, eventually Netflix takes notice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm essentially his, like, we're like the yin and yang of, like, hot guy, fat guy. And there's other advantages. If you're hot, you get a bigger audience, but if you're fat, you get, like, people who actually like comedy and not, like, you know.

What appears to be MILFs and young women that want to fuck him. He had plastic surgery. You desperately need liposuction.

Yeah, if you were to pick who needed to be under the knife between us, you would have never guessed him. You would have been like... Fat Rife. Yeah, dude. I want to do a whole series of characters of comedians with one fake name and then it just tells the whole impression after that. My first one was Crystal Leah. Okay. It's a female pedophile. Oh, yeah.

Nice penis, you 16-year-old. Wow, are you on the lacrosse team? Just DMing a fucking lax bro. She'd be like 48 and she'd be like DMing like 26-year-olds. Come get that sugar mama. Yeah, at the highest ends, 26. That's Crystal Leah. Who else we got? Crystal Leah. Bobby. Fat Rife. Fat Rife.

what can we do with Bobby Lee oh yeah we're gonna do Bobby Lee it's uh something southern oh I know Bobby Lee put him in it make him Italian yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna show you a penis you can't refuse come to my pizzeria and I'll shove a pizza up your up your asshole

This is good. We're really crushing it on the improv, the two of us today. Yeah, put all those people on the fucking thumbnail. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, I've never... Have you gone skiing this winter? Do you have any plans? Yeah, I was. What's your last ski trip?

We didn't be able to do our comedian ski trip this year. We couldn't get it together. I'm pretty pissed. But I got Beaver Creek. I'm doing it in a few days. And I'm going to Denver for like two weeks of the fucking... The Comedy Works? Comedy Works. They're like, move to the theater. I'm like, nah, that place fucking rules. Yeah, yeah. It's awesome. So I'll go skiing for a couple days there. I respect that. So just a couple days of skiing and then you're... Just hella shows. Yeah. Fun shows at the best club. Yeah. Working on stuff.

Yeah. Maybe a little bit. What a fucking fun crowd that is. Yeah. It's just like. No, I love Comedy Works, man. And you know what? The downtown room is awesome. I really like the one in the Burbs. Really? I do. I was there once. It's set up like a little theater. Yeah, true. And it's got the positives of a theater, but it's close to you like a club. Whereas like some of these theaters, man, you don't even feel like you're doing stand-up really. You feel like you're doing kind of like, it's

It's set up for opera. You know what I mean? It's a strange thing in comedy now where people are intentionally doing worse shows for more money. The arena shows, literally no fan that's been to shows at an arena and a club prefers the arena. No chance, dude. And so like...

You're just going like, I want to prove I can do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I get, listen, if it's MSG, play MSG once. I get that. Once. You know what I mean? When they come back, they do it again. They love that money. Yeah. Danny Brown says comedy is going through a brag phase, and it's pretty disgusting because it doesn't go with comedy in any way.

It goes with rap. That's a good point. That's a good point. We're supposed to be self-deprecating. Instead, we're like, check it out. No, you've got to be a loser. I'm buying a private jet. I'm doing this. It's all fucking rapper shit. Believe me. Yeah, I get that. Listen, I think a theater is cool, but I do think at the time where it stops, it's

Theaters, you can still connect the crowd. You just have to do a little more work on it. Clubs just feel more natural, but you're right. I do think the brag thing, it will collapse in on itself. It's going to. Why? A little bit is like the quality just drops off and you have to work really hard to keep that quality up. I think some people probably do, but even that affects your ability to then be creative because you have to worry about

just doing a good show you can't fuck around you can't fuck around you can't like and then also I just think like that's the natural order of things like things build too fast yeah boom collapse that was in the 80s

Yeah, it feels like, because I heard, you know, like you'd already been doing comedy. When I was started, I mean, big, amazing racist fans in my house. That was the subtle, nuanced comedy me and my brothers were into when we were teenagers. He's giving a free boat ride back to Africa. Not that one, the Asian one.

The Chinese restaurant. Remember the Chinese? We literally watched that in my childhood bedroom, me and Eldis. Nice. Yeah, dude. Nice. But like, and we will stop. Sorry to the listeners. I'm doing the thing I promised I would never do on this podcast. We just talk about comedy, but very quickly, we'll move on. We'll talk about Ari's penis, how he didn't get it sucked because he was going to be a rabbi. That's good. I've been meaning to ask him about that. We didn't get to it on the Patreon last time. But just, yeah, I just think like,

I heard of like a boom in comedy coming up. Everyone talked about it. And I was like, that feels weird because the rest of my entire, the closest thing to a boom was like when, you know, like, I don't know. Like, I remember like the comedians of comedy and like, you know, people were doing kind of like posse groups and doing theaters. And that was kind, but people were still just working clubs, whatever. Yeah.

People talk about the 80s when it was like you could just be a shitty comic in Boston and just make $80,000 a year or whatever. I was like, that can't be possible. And it does feel like we're living through that a little bit, except just like everything else in America, inequality has gone up. So it's really just the rich get richer. Sort of, yeah. But I do see, sometimes I'll follow a venue that I performed at, so then I'm just like, I forgot to unfollow them. So you see who's coming up. And it's just a bunch of like...

I've never heard of U.M. I could be out of touch, but also like...

there's just some guy with like regional celebrity. True, true. But also like, get that money, bro. Get that money. No offense. No, look, even like I'm happy for everybody cashing out because I do think it will end and it's going to be fucking bad. You know what? Most comedy I've seen kind of sucks. You're going to be like, yep. Most does. That's what we're in danger of. But anyway, whatever. Sorry about that. Me and Ari will talk about it later. Let's hear somebody jizzing without fucking control. Yeah.

Well, I did. So, because we want, I want to talk about it the last time you were here, but we just kind of got very general with it because I love the special. Jew was great. Thanks, buddy. But there's so, but I was going into it being like, damn, Ari's story is so interesting, but you, I feel like you could do like Jew 2. This could be a whole series. I have a Jew and A I'm going to put out. A Jew and A? Yeah.

For real. I had to edit it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's all the questions I had. That's how I got all my material. I was like, I would do like 45, 50, whatever. And then I'd be like, hey, it started with like 30 at the Fab Lab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, what have you guys wanted to know about Jews? I've set up a safe environment. Just ask me anything. Yes, yes, yes. And then some stuff would be like, that's not Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, why are they afraid of cats? I'm like, that's one guy you met. Shut up. Right, right, right. And then others like, what's up with the wigs? What's up with the... And so I got a lot of my material that way. Oh, interesting. So I had this fucking list of shit that wasn't good enough for the special, but I have quick answers on it. Interesting. And that'll be good too. That's really interesting. But like, I was really expecting like an even more personal thing because you really were in the fucking, in the, in the, the...

I tucked away my payos. Yeah, you tucked away the payos, but you were in the big leagues of being Jewish, where it's like you're in the big leagues, dude. It doesn't get, you know, you're in the NBA, and you were studying to be a rabbi, right? Yeah, yeah. That's fucking crazy. And we talked about this because it was like, I was in Baltimore, and you were in, what, Silver Spring? Yeah. So we're like 40 minutes away.

I don't know if I told you this before. Go ahead. The first Major League Baseball stadium. That you were allowed in. The Coliseum first. That didn't end well for us. But.

But no, they had a kosher concession stand. That makes sense. Yeah, but no, New York would make sense. We had a lot of Jews. No, tons in New York. I mean, definitely more in New York. But there was, I mean, like, I went to a lot of, you know, this motherfucker especially, the Baltimore County, they moved out of the city. They moved out of Pikesville. It's all Pikesville. But he, you know, he had a lot of, because he moved out to the county. He's a traitor. I mean, he lived in a shittier neighborhood.

I've said it. It's like, it was always great to have Eldis because it made me not realize how poor I was because there was somebody poorer than me that I knew. There was a fresher immigrant that was poorer. So I was like, I'm a fuck. I'm Mr. USA. I'm Yankee Stavros in beautiful Greek town. But Eldis was by the park where people were getting stabbed. Eldis looks like he found fabric and started a new shirt. His mom did a great job with it. It does feel patchwork. Yeah.

His mom was a seamstress. Dolly Parton's mom.

His mom, oh fuck, I got water on myself. His mom has hemmed up, you know, stuff for me and him growing up for sure. But, but yeah, there was a ton of, there was a ton of like, you know, went to some bar mitzvahs, some bat mitzvahs. So we, we knew, you know, we were pretty, as far as like a random city in America, Baltimore has pretty high Jewish knowledge, but I was just more fascinated by like, just, I thought it was going to be way more about your personal shit. I tried to make a mix. Yeah.

Yeah. Of my stuff. Yeah. And then also like the stories, the holidays, like what you might want to know, but also like my experience with it. I really try to like get an even mix. So I would like take bits out of like too much personal or not enough personal. Let me add something. Well, I think, I mean, I think it was, I mean, obviously it was great, but I think that's why you're, I think you're poised for, I honest, not to give you fucking advice, but I would, I would just as a fan love to see a,

just a personal one where it's like the second one's like all your shit because it is a bizarre you are a bizarre guy to do a complete yeah exactly complete 180 blurred out eldest laughing

That is, yeah. Definitely blur it out. But blur it small. Because this dick is big in real life, so we got to disrespect him, you know, in comedy. Dick is fine. Balls are where it's at. Balls fat? Big fat hangers. I thought you had... It's... The word around town is you do have a huge penis. It's fat. It's fat cock. Fat cock, yeah. You're...

Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, that was the first title of your Netflix special, was Fat Cosmic. And then Netflix was like, actually, I already got that. No, I've said it before. I wanted it to be Fat Little Slut. Oh, really? But you can't search Fat Little Slut on the internet. My special's not coming up. Your will not come up first. No, no, no, no, no. But yeah, it's funny to do that, like,

Yeah, fat rascal comes up way off. Yeah, there's much fewer fat rascals than there are fat sluts in the world. A little slut is like really a category. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good category. Great category. I'll take a peek over there. That's definitely in the rotation. Don't get me wrong. Smooth fat girls. The fucking 22-year-old Latina chicks hanging out in the mall.

Fucking West Covina. Fucking that smooth fat. Let me get over here, Maria. Yeah, dude. When's the first time you even saw Latina?

I mean, you know, we all had extensions in our homes. Oh, yeah. Well, you saw her dad. But not by a record. Yeah. I didn't say, when did you see a lunchbox of Latina packed? Yeah, probably College Park. Probably Maryland. Yeah. But so it's like you just completely grow up in that, and you're just going to temple and shit like that. Sure, yeah. And everyone is just religious as hell. Everyone's that. And everybody, all your friends are that shit. You're playing like, are you playing like stickball in your little black? Stickball.

Stick bored. I'm fucking writing beach memoirs. I don't know. We didn't grow up in the 60s. It feels, even though technically you're not Amish, it feels like being Jewish Amish. It is. All my friends, when I met friends when I was still religious, and they'd be like, I'd meet them on Sunday. They'd be like, what did you do yesterday? Read. I'm like, yes, I read. Yeah, under the lamplight. Under the lamplight. You can't do it by candlelight because you might fuck up and try to mess with the candle. So they're like, don't even chance it. Don't even chance it.

So, yeah. So then what are you playing? Kickball in that little tuxedo? What are you doing? How are you blowing off steam as a very Jewish child? You play basketball, but not on Saturday, really. Saturday's for the Lord. Of course. But... Damn, what's the Lord? What do you even do on the... Is it really reading? Reading. We play backgammon with my brother. Backgammon's not work. It's joy. No, unless we made money on it, which we did later. You ever play with the blacks over at Union Square? No.

haven't played with the blacks on Union Square. Dude, they're so much better than you think they'd be. The best for like expectations to talent level. Because I don't know, it's like, I

I think he might be good folks. That's Ari's opinion Thailand I'm in Phuket and you're walking by some fucking whores literal whores Yeah, you're like no, no, I think you want to pick connect for and they're like, okay Can't forward you like cat for four beers and you're like, okay, but I'm like I'll crush a fucking Thai hooker

Dude, I went to fucking, I was in Dean's List two semesters, University of Maryland. Shut the fuck up. I got a fucking 1250 Massey T, the old one that mattered. Nice bitch, 1300. Yeah, what? 1300. New ones, yeah. They waited at 100 points higher. Yeah, you're right. Kids are so dumb in America, like, let's just make everyone go 100 points higher.

You just start with an 800 instead of a 700. And so these fucking tie hookers are like dominating you. And you're like, what the fuck? And they're like, you know we play Connect 4 all day, every day. Yeah. Why do you have to play since high school? It's their respite from sucking like...

fat American cock. Yeah. And I mean fat like fat guy not nice fat cock. Disgusting weird little dick. So she's gonna focus on Connect Four. That's the highlight of her day. I lost like six straight beers to these bitches and then I realized it was only 40 cents total but like but it changed her life. Wow.

And then did you reward, were you a customer too or were you just friends? Not at that place. It was pretty gross. Okay. I got snookered into one. My buddy was there on a sex vacation. He got there before me. I booked a fucking movie. I was so mad. I was like, can we arrange a shoot? You booked a movie in Thailand? No, in America. That interrupted your sex vacation. Exactly. Exactly. But my buddy was in sex hell. He had broken up with his girlfriend but was still living with her so he could fuck like once every two months and that's it. That's brutal. So he got to Phuket and he was just like game.

on and he was like I've already fucked four times since you've no it was like seven times I was there three days later interesting and so then we're walking by like oh there's one and he jumps in and I was like okay let me do it but he got the only hot one and then I didn't know how to say not interested lady of course you don't want to be rude you're already there yeah that's tough so she's putting a condom on me and she's trying to ride me I'm not really hard

It's so hot. There's mosquitoes. There's dengue. It's fucking disgusting. And I'm like, I don't think anyone could do this in this environment. And then you hear from the stall next door because they don't even go up past here. Oh, wow. It's like a bathroom. Yeah, exactly. And then it's like a little room, sort of massage rooms. Sure, sure. And then you just hear my buddy going, oh, yeah, yeah. She's orgasming. And I'm like, fuck. I'm fucking half a man. Wow, man. How many sex vacations have you taken?

Was that your only sex vacation? Went to Tijuana with Bobby Lee. Okay, nice. Yeah. Very nice. Let's call him Bobby Free because he pays for the hookers for you. what a good guy. Bobby Free, there we go. Yeah. Bobby Lee and Bobby Free, there's two different characters. Uh,

Don't worry, it's on me. Did you tip nicely? That's what he told me. Tip ahead of time until you want to. Put 100 down on 72. That's just for you. Don't worry about it. Work harder. Right, right, right, right, right. It's a tough job. They deserve it. I tip my Uber guys. Oh, afterwards, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After they suck my dick, yeah. I tip the African father of four. I'm like, hey, man, you want to make an extra 20?

I can't get to Tijuana right now. I can't get to, I have wanted to visit Thailand. I'm trying to write a bit about this. Sorry to be doing my bit, but it's like, and I actually want to go because it sounds cheap and I'm a beach guy and it seems like a great vacation. But if you are fat with this hair,

No one thinks you're going for a wholesome vacation. There's no way anyone's like, oh yeah, Stav's just going to check out the sights. They think I'm your pervert friend. They think maybe girls? You're right. I'd be lucky to get away with just going there for woman prostitution. At the airport, they're like, dude, if you can try, keep it above 12. But use your best judgment. If it's a hot 11-year-old, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but just try.

That's the speech the president gives every tourist. Bangkok is disgusting. It's all 12-year-old, literally 12-year-old South Viagra at 2 a.m. That's horrible, dude. It's disgusting. Bangkok is one of the grossest cities in the world. Oh, my God, dude. Chiang Mai's where to go? Chiang Mai rules. Phuket rules.

Nice. Yeah, there's a lot of cool, but Bangkok is not one of those places. Get the fuck in and out of there as fast as possible. Yeah, I'm not... That sounds horrible. But I do like a little beach resort. Like, I just want to be on a beach. I got spots for you. All right, I love it. And Thailand is your place because it's the entryway into Southeast Asia. It's the least foreign of all the places. Okay, cool. So it's foreign as shit, but like... Of course, compared to like...

you know, Vietnam or whatever. Yeah, or Laos or something. But like, it's still foreign, but like, but it's set up for tourism. Yeah. So it's nice. Nice. I love that. Yeah, I used to be scared of going to Asia because it's so foreign compared to what I know. But it's like, you get older and you're like, oh, let's experience something. I also went to Tokyo and that's a good like, even though it's wildly foreign, it's so like,

You know, it's such a cosmopolitan city that you can still get around by only knowing English. So that was kind of... How'd you like it? I loved it. Tokyo was incredible. When'd you go? I went twice. Once I went on a...

very low-level USO-type tour with Marines. Cool. And some... It was like a funny business gig. It was like a pretty... It wasn't a great gig is what I'm trying to say. It was just like a... You know, these guys that book road work. But they get you out there. But they get you out there for sure. But it was... I didn't work for them, but the headliner was... Yeah, it was the Yoder gig. It was Yoder's? Yeah, but they booked the headliner, and then the feature that was supposed to go with them got a DUI and failed the Army's background check.

And then the headliner was like, I was like an open mic at the time, but he liked me. This guy, Ben Washburn, great guy, very funny. Bengt, yeah. Bengt, yep, that's right. He's got a weird G in his name. Go look him up. He's got a bunch of free specials out there. He's legit very funny. And he just was like, hey, man, you want to come to Tokyo? And it was the year, it was three months before I was going to move to New York.

And it was like, it literally paid $750. It was free flight. But it was a free flight and free accommodation to Japan. And when you're 24, you're like, hell yeah, let's fucking do it. Those comedy trips, not to talk about comedy, but you get these trips, these free trip places. That's cool, yeah. That like you could never afford it or the time off. Totally, totally. And you're just like, this is awesome. And you're still fucking broke. Still broke. But like,

I was on the road with Kevin Iso and he was like, you know the last time we worked together was a fucking festival in Switzerland. That's hilarious. Yeah. And I'm like, damn, that's right. No, it's fun just for experiences. And then when we were doing the Come Town Australia tour, we just decided to go to Japan beforehand because I didn't know. See, I was a little duped. I still blame Adam. He wanted to go shopping. I'm aware it was.

He wanted to go shopping because you can buy clothes for a girlish man in Tokyo. And so he was like, yeah, dude, it's like I had fucked my foot up and I didn't really want to walk too much. And he was like, look, it's a close thing. And then we go. And Tokyo's fine. I didn't have a great time, I'll be honest. That time was my foot hurt. And it was like I actually was during you were there where I fucked my foot up. It was the skanks fest.

basketball tournament remember that oh yeah you fucking cheater you just got blacked out yeah well it was supposed to be a good bit because Adam and Nick weren't there and then we just found two black guys to play with me we were trying to see podcast versus podcast tournament and then he shows up with two randos fucking John Morant and Dan Desire it was a good bit

It was a good bit, but they were like... But I fucked my... Good, everyone cheered for you to fuck your ankle up. No, just you. Just you and noted 9-11 liar Steve Rannis. I lit an extra menorah candle. Those were the two guys against me. A sex criminal from Thailand and a man who doesn't respect 9-11. Those were the two guys that were mad at me.

Um, everybody else was very worried about my wellbeing, but anyway, I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, but so, but I still, but it's still, and I definitely want to go back when I, you know, the tournament when I'm, no, no, I'm done. I'm, I'm retired from skanks fest basketball for the rest of my life that you can do. That's for sure. That's a lot of bad juju there for me. But, um,

But I want to go back when I'm, like, prepared for it because it's... I just want to go back with a little more time. Me and Jarosz are trying to get a gig there. Oh, that'd be sick. One in Tokyo, one in Fukushima, and then spend, like, two weeks. That would be kind of awesome. Like, have at least 10 days in between. So, like, let's go where we want to go. Yeah, and I went there, and I went to...

Okinawa and somewhere else in Korea part of the part of the USO tours in Korea. It was great It was like a nice little like oh, it's just like anywhere else stop being fucking close-minded and just like, you know Joe explore some shit. So I want to go I've never been you've never been in Japan Yeah, and definitely not Tokyo and that's one of those states almost everywhere like big cities a big city except for a few place Tokyo, New York, New York Paris

People say London. I haven't been to London. Nah. Wrong. Wrong, really. London and Chicago are not that dissimilar. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. I like any city that has its own vibe. Like New Orleans, even though it's not one of the great cities. New Orleans, for sure, has its own world. It has its own vibe. I mean, I'll go to town for... I'll go to bat for Athens because it's like you have the Parthenon right there. It's got like its own weird vibe. Can I tell you what I...

I think I went to Greece since I came here. Oh, sick. Yes, we were talking about it. Athens is so much more... I'm sure you heard about the Parthenon and all that shit, right? It's so like... What's the word? It's so like...

like an outsider that the graffiti everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's anarchist. It is. Oh, for sure. For sure. If you just get out of that part, like over the thing and through the, through the park. Yeah. And then you're just like, Oh, this is all anarchy. This is all like, like down with like the real version of, of, um, who's that group that always like start stops traffic.

Oh, what are you talking about? They always try to beat up old people for driving to their cars. That's... Whatever you're describing, you're describing it wrong. I'm describing it wrong. On purpose. It sounds like you're having a real Fox News take on it. Antifa. Antifa. It's always the videos of some new Antifa guy going, hey, stop. The guy's like, I'm just trying to go home, man. No, no. There is definitely a huge...

a true like anti-fascist very left wing yeah because fascism because we had real fascism in in uh in Greece I mean that's the underground scene it's cool no no Greece fucking Athens fucking rules you have that and each each little city I will say as much as it pains me to admit this it kind of reminds me of LA in that like it's kind of hilly it's mountainous and uh

And everything is like its own little, every neighborhood is almost like its own little city. The way L.A. is where it's like you have like ritzy, rich places. You have places with nice beaches. Then you have like, you know, the suburbs, the like exurbs of like,

It's 45 minutes away, but it's still kind of in the metro area. It's just a fucking sick place. Yeah, right. The boat is so far away. Yeah. The ferries. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, damn. It's a completely different... Exactly. It's like almost like a secondary city. But, you know, that's kind of how, like, fucking LAX and shit in the water is in LA, too. Like, the west side versus the east side, all this kind of shit. But... Yeah. Athens rules. But, yeah, you should definitely go to Tokyo. Fucking rules. What was the first Asian you saw? Probably also at College Park, huh? First Asians? Yeah. Yeah.

The first one I ever beat off to was the chick from Wayne's World. Ooh. I never realized I could be into Asians until Tia Carrera came in. Wow, man. When did you see Wayne's World? I just saw it yesterday. Man, I jerked off hard. In the Uber over here? You're watching Wayne's World and jacking off?

But like truly how insular was that shit? Like you basically just had not even just Jewish friends but probably just friends from your community until you were like Yeah just friends from my community. Like we'd be civil to other people. Right, right, right. Like we had like a guy filled up the candy machine and we'd just like say hi to him. Yeah. But like

They're not really excited over it. You felt superior to them. They were just outside. It wasn't even superior. If I grew up, I might start feeling superior, but it was really just like, they're just not... I did it in the special. I'm like, they see other non-Jews like we see squirrels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fine, whatever, but you're not going to make friends with one. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Damn, that's so funny. And then why did you decide to be a rabbi? You were just into the shit? You liked the scriptures? It was like pre-law. It's like, let's keep your options open. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And then it was cool, and I was succeeding for the first time. Oh, wow, really? Because all you really had to do... Were you a good student? Yeah. I was a bad student. Okay. And all you really had to do to succeed in yeshiva was sit there. Like, if you put in the hours, as soon as prayers ended, you're like, before breakfast, I'm going to study for 30 minutes. After breakfast, I'm going right back to lunch. After lunch...

and then go right back to pray for a while till Marav dinner then right back what's Dav and Mincha mean? Mincha is like the afternoon service oh okay damn church everyday Marav is the night service three times a day three times a day? yeah you can combine night afternoon and night if you time it right gotcha just like 20 minutes in between just slide into it yeah it's like it's still dusk and now it's okay it's night but but if you just sat there all the rabbis are like you're doing great and all you do is read just read of some Aramaic yeah

Oh, really? Easy peasy. Aramaic? You could read Aramaic for real? Wow. So you were just listening to Passion of the Christ in its mother tongue? In its real. He's actually saying, get Tetris. He's investing in Bitcoin. Yeah, it's so fucking dumb. Did it prepare you? I'm like, what, to learn a dead language that's not even on the level of Latin? An extra dead language. Like, it's like Greek at least.

If somebody still speaks it and you can... The signs they are in Greece. Yeah, absolutely. And also the like, you know, a lot of root words come from Greek. So it was like, it helped my vocabulary as a little kid, but Aramaic, nothing. Yeah.

except to hear the extra anti-Semitic characters in fucking Passion of the Christ, where they basically have horns. So awesome. That movie's hilarious, dude. I gotta re-watch it. We should do a Passion of the Christ re-watch, dude. We should.

We should. We need you in a different type of annoying Jew. Like a different style of annoying Jew. Maybe Ronon. Ronon's a different annoying Jew. Maybe some film guy. That could be a fun little mix. Shut up, you fat bitch.

Yeah. You don't know shit. What's even micha? You don't know. One of the fun, because I was kind of, I was getting into, I was reading about when they started writing the first, like the first parts of the Bible, which is basically the Jewish scriptures. But it's like, there's a lot of wacky shit there. And it all starts, it's basically, if I understand it correctly, the whole Judeo-Christian thing started because like,

ancient, you know, the Jewish people, if they even like identified as that, just had to cope with getting their asses fucked by bigger powers, by like the Hittites and the Egyptians. And like, you guys were just like in the Levant, you were just getting taken over after having like a couple, maybe like a hundred years of your own kingdom. And you were just like a very little, completely historically inconsequential people. Inconsequential. That just wrote...

like excuses for what you did to God to piss him off. It's literally the whole Bible is like sore losers explaining why they got... It's like they sold their brother to Egypt because he had a nicer coat than them. Why don't you get a better Hanukkah present? Sell him into slavery. Yeah.

And then he gets out. It's just sore losers. That's the beginning of it. It's so weird in how it's like. And here's how we can explain it. Yeah. This is why we lost. It's because, you know, we went to Egypt and I told the one guy told his wife to not say to go fuck the Pharaoh. Was that one of them where he's like, don't say we're married. Somebody had a hot wife. Abraham and Sarah. Yeah. Don't say we're married because I'll probably kill me.

So just so you're my sister so they can rape you? Yeah, he sold her pussy for good treatment from the Egyptians. Dude, legitimately, we studied that for like two weeks because it's problematic on the surface.

We're like, what do you mean? You're supposed to let your wife get raped? And then all the robbers are like, so this is like, if you say it's the word of God, like, what is he teaching you? And it really is like, you guys are going to get beat up a lot. So mitigate the losses. That's what I'm telling you. The Holocaust is coming. So like, if you got to give your kid to a fucking Christian family and say he's just got a big Italian nose, do it. Let him survive.

No sense in heaven, everybody would die. Yeah, it's like literally like the most pathetic ways to survive is like give the pharaoh your wife's cunt and live to see another day. No, it's just some fucking random Arabs in the desert. Oh yeah, you're right. It wasn't even a pharaoh. Yeah, just like some heroes because there come two dudes on horseback. Don't try to fight them.

You got a nice wife. Immediately go to my wife and suck their guts. Oh, it's not my wife. It's my sister. I gotta go pee. I'll be back. Which is fine. Yeah, as if that's better, letting your sister get fucked. Why is that better? You could argue that's worse. Yeah, so like the other guy's like, this guy ain't gonna do shit to stop us from raping his sister. It's just his sister. His wife, he might have to fucking step up.

God damn, that shit is so funny. Yeah, and like, what would be the reason that God would like do that or man would create those scriptures to like help us and that's the reason. It's like, you guys are not good fighters. We're the first ones to write shit down. Yeah, truly, yeah, it's insane and I just didn't realize that it's like, that that is his, like, obviously the stories in the Bible are not historically accurate but they're like, based on shit, you know what I mean? Like, some of that stuff did happen, just not the way they said it. They like combined,

you know, they just kind of like rationalized. I think some of it too was, hey, they passed it down orally for a while. Right. And by the time they wrote it down, they like had to make sense of it. Totally, totally. It's like, oh, it had to be this. Like, oh, actually, they had a different thing back then. Combined characters. We'll just say it was this. Yeah, combined characters. There's certain kings that were like, that they didn't want to admit were cool. Or it was just like, and there's also like the two different kingdoms of like, there was like Judea and Israel. Maybe they were different or something like that. I don't know. I was just reading the historical part of it. It was interesting.

It was very fascinating, but it was like an academic book, and I was like, oh, I'm too stupid to read academic shit. I need like pop history. Or like Yuval Harari. No, like dude, literally the guy had like his sources cited after every fact. Fuck, I'm like, I'm too stupid for this, man. Just give me a fun anecdote about it. I'll stick with Hogwarts. I literally got only like 40 pages into this book, and I was like, heck. That's pretty good, though, for a book. Yeah, but I read it to go to sleep, so it was like, I would just doze off so fast. If...

I wonder what the book... I'll find what the book is called, and maybe a listener can explain it to me. I bet it was called Mein Kampf, you fucking... You fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I'm reading the book with the most truths about Jews. It was very heady. With the most non-biased view of them.

Yeah, that shit is fucking... And so what was the moment where you're like, I can't do this shit. I can't. This is fun. Reading scriptures about a guy selling pussy to Arabs is fun, but like I'm succeeding, but I can't be doing this. Yeah. Was there a moment? Was there something that really popped for you? Yeah. It was like I had a light on above my bed on the Sabbath. I couldn't sleep. It was right above my bed. I wanted to flip it off so bad.

You can't. You couldn't get a Shabbos Goy? There was none. It was Jerusalem. Oh, in Jerusalem. Yeah. Oh, wow. No Shabbos Goy is a good word, though. Yeah, thanks, man. I know a little bit. Thank you. And I was like, I'm just going to turn this fucking light off. It was like right above my bed. It's here. It's just like a reading light right in the wall above my bed for the dorm so you could study like tomorrow before you went to sleep. Right, right, right.

Put some over it kept falling off and I was like I'm gonna flip it off and then I was about to but I saw my windows right by the entrances to the yeshiva So I was like so we'll see yeah, but I didn't even do it But it was just like what if thinking like I was I was wanted to do it was like maybe I don't believe in this God thing Yeah, cuz it was pretty clear about

can't do it yeah and i still was gonna do it anyway and it's god yeah don't do that yeah nah i need to sleep yeah i need to sleep and stop me if you're god stop me stop yeah i'll just oh wait you didn't do shit interesting short out the fucking circuits yeah totally totally yeah let me pray hard as shit what if in that moment it just you'd been to be a rabbi i'd be back in yeah i'd be a rabbi i'd be not slowing down at yellow lights for with you crossing the street

Damn, that's so fucking hilarious. No one drives worse than a fucking Queens religious Jew. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. That is very true. Always on their fucking flip phones. Yeah. To do a T9. Yeah. Killing someone so they can text in T9. Yeah.

Wow, in Jerusalem. And then what's the next day after that look like? Oh, I didn't do it. I just thought about it for like a year. Oh, that was like the seed. Yeah, like a real year. I kept tossing around my head because it was a real big decision. Huh. You know? And then eventually I'm like, I think I might be out. And you were how old? Like in 20 what? 20, 21. Okay. So I was two years in seminary, then a year here at Yeshiva University. And during that Yeshiva University, I'm like, talk to everybody. I was like, guys, I think I might be out of this.

And then they were like, then throw the Torah on the ground if you don't believe. I'm like, well, that seems rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to throw the fucking Koran on the ground either. I can be not a dickhead and not. I can respect you. So it's like this is all you've known your whole life. You're not. Even if like now you might throw one back then you wouldn't have. I wouldn't throw one now either. Ah, come on. Pussy. I might throw it if no one's around. Pussy. Damn, they still got their hooks in you, dude. Yeah, for sure. For sure. For sure.

For sure. So it's good. I'll hold door opens for old ladies and stuff. That's from there. That's not from there. It is from there. That's just genuine being a good guy, human stuff. Literally like zero comedians. They'll literally shut the door after they leave to make sure an old lady can't get the benefit from their hard work. Yeah, that's so funny. I would throw... I mean, I guess I would... I guess...

What's the point? Because just to do it. Do what? Just to throw a religious text of any kind. You're just kind of being a dickhead. You have to really believe in it and hate it. Right. That's my favorite. It's the post-Holocaust Jews. They were like, I didn't stop believing, but fuck God.

Oh, wow. Yeah, you fucked our ass. Yeah. You let that happen? What a fucking cunt you are. Which is a good point. It's honestly a really good point. It's a really good point. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of my whole thing with religion, that no one really has a good answer for. Everyone taps around why bad stuff's allowed to happen and why Africa's horrible. It's a test. Why is that bad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about childhood AIDS? Yeah. That's also a test? Can you give me a quiz instead of a test? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, but I'm sure there's a really good reason. What is this, testing? Really good reason. Yeah. Yeah. I was maggots in your fucking throat in fucking Nairobi helping me be a better Jew in New York. No, it makes sense. Damn, dude. So then what's the day? When's the actual day? I remember it was in Yeshiva, in Yeshiva University. So it was a split curriculum college. And then...

Yeah, I went nearby. It was in Crown Heights or Spanish Harlem, whatever. It's like 185th and Amsterdam. And then I was like, I'm going to go get Taco Bell. I'm doing it.

It was the closest one. That was the meal you chose, Taco Bell? It wasn't like a last supper. It was just nearby. And I had seen the commercials. It looked great. It was not great. It was not good. It's still Taco Bell. Not much has changed. That's so funny that Taco Bell was what broke it. Yeah, I could have just had a piece of cheese on some kosher beef. Damn, dude. And then you were like, I'm out. Do you have to like...

Is there paperwork and shit, or you just let it? There's no paperwork. It's not like Mormonism. Good questions, though, where you don't get excommunicated. They really try to keep pushing you back in. I mean, they didn't stop for a decade or more. Wow. Like, come on, come on. You're just going through a phase. Come on, come on. Even after you're publicly, like, acting a fool for a career? Yeah. Was there, yeah. Yeah, apparently when Jew came out, and my special on YouTube right now. Yep, watch it, free folks. And, uh...

so my sisters are still in the community you know and my parents are still in and so there was like a lot of worried talk because they're like this is the last thing we need right now who's the Kanye pop off I already recorded it but it was like new discussions of anti-semitism I remember how pumped you were when that happened you were like this is going to be good for the algo they got to put some cult you up top or they're also anti-semitic I was a little worried about it because I could see them just going there's some anti-Jewish jokes in here we're taking it down but

But like they were like worried. They're like, is this what's this going to be? Right. And then they saw it. I talked to my like my parents, like best friends. And they're like, oh, then everybody was like, oh, this is actually really respectful. Oh, cool. And like kind of nice. Even when you're fucking around, it's still like. And it was. Yeah, it really was from a good place. But I needed 20 something years off to be able to get to that. Totally. Totally. Because I would imagine there's the initial like. Fuck them. You guys are wasting your lives. There's like a decade of that.

Legitimately a decade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense. And then you just kind of mellow out. But you also mellow out with age, too, where you're like... There's that, too. Like, what's the fight for? Yeah. What am I fighting? I know. I feel that way, too, because it's like I went through that phase of, like...

Just, you know, the embarrassing college atheism phase where you're like, you're all fucking sheep, man. And you're the sheep because you're joining a club. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah, man, Richard Dawkins, that's who's the genius, you know? I read one book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The book I read doesn't have weird verses and chapters, which still don't really make sense to me. Also, now looking back, there is something nice to prayer.

Well, yeah. Like to gathering, just the organization of like, hey, be kind to your neighbors. The basis of it is. Well, it's community. It's community and it's literally meditation. Yeah. And we talked about this a little bit because DeStefano was talking about how he's religious. I mean, he's a fucking idiot, but he's talking about how he's like. You know he's Greek. His real name is DeStefanopoulos. Yeah, that's right. And that's coming from Aristotle. That's coming from. Aristotle Shafir. Yeah, Shafiropoulos. Aristotle Shafiropoulos. Oh, he got some new names too. Christopher DeStefanopoulos.

He just has more chest hair. He's gayer somehow. But yeah, I do think there's a little bit of like, especially because like everything is so atomized and especially with phone, like not to be like, not to be a different kind of hack where it's like, you know, it starts with, there's no monoculture anymore. There used to be like, there's three channels and then starts with cable. Then the internet makes it

you know, compounds that exponentially. And now everyone feels more alone than ever. The world is, even though we're safer, it feels shittier than ever just because we're so alone. And I do think there is a natural, some people seek community and they seek like meditation and feeling like everything's going to be okay. So I do think there's going to be a big bounce back towards religion for people in my generation. I've met some people who are like, what, you're going to church now? What the fuck? And they're like, I get something out of it. Duncan's always like, prayer?

You don't have to pray to any specific one, but like it's for yourself. But I can't. And so look, you do what you want, whatever, but I do, part of me, I'm not going to lie and I don't want to, it just does feel fucking dumb to me. It feels stupid. But I get why you do it and I would love to feel, I would love to feel like something exists and something is good. But I just don't think, I think that's, that is, and not that I'm saying like,

I'm real with myself in every other way, but that's just one way that I can't be in denial. We all have our denials. I want to do this, but it seems lame. My dad was a paratrooper in the Israeli army. So every time people are like, hey, you want to go parachuting? I'm like, I don't know, man. He had Arabs shooting at him. This is weird. He was a homo strapped to my back. Just for like shits and giggles. I don't know. So it's like, I'd like to get over it, but I can't. I have that image. Interesting, interesting tale, Ari. But

I think it's time for you to stop talking and hear a tale of mine. You and the listeners. You see, when I started podcasting, I didn't have any merch. I was losing money left and right. The little merch I did have, I was selling myself out of garbage bags. I was keeping track of nothing. I was probably losing money. I was probably honestly selling Stavi t-shirts and immediately using the cash for McDonald's.

late night McDonald's after my really shitty gigs that I was doing back then. I had no idea that, and today, flash forward to today, Ari, and our listeners, we have beautiful merchandise we're selling. We got multiple t-shirts. We've got the Stavi Baby calendars that we've been selling now for six years, I think it's, Eldis?

And for the last five years, we've been using Shopify to do that. It's been an incredible tool for us. It's helped us grow at every stage back from when I was literally, I was carrying around every calendar. It was mailed to me. I was hand shipping them out all the way to now where we have our buddy who has a little warehouse for us. He runs all our mailings.

merch business. We check all the numbers with Shopify. We're selling a lot. Listen, I don't want to tell you how much we're selling, but it's a pretty penny. It covers Eldest and then some. That's right. We make over $40,000 a year. But we love Shopify here. It's a global commerce platform that will help you, like I said, at every stage of your business,

From the launch, from when you're in your garbage bag days, to the first real life store stage, all the way to the, did we just hit a million order stage? Shopify's there to help you grow. We haven't quite got, we're not even at the million order stage, but we're getting there. We're growing with Shopify too. So whatever you're selling, you're selling soaps,

you're selling edible underwear, whatever it is, Shopify helps you sell everywhere from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system, wherever, whatever you're selling, Shopify's got you covered. In fact, I don't know if you guys know this, Eldis is thinking about, you know, he's a married man now, he has to have family to worry about. He's thinking about shaving his back and selling the trimmings on Shopify. Isn't that right, Eldis?

Oh, yeah. I'm going to start doing ad reads on here. No, you don't get your own ad reads. You don't get your own ad reads. But with Shopify, you will have a successful... There will be some very kink-friendly people buying those tufts of Albanian hair. So Shopify helps you turn just browsing the buyers of the internet's best converting checkout up to 36% better compared to other leading commerce platforms.

And, you know, sell with less effort thanks to the Shopify magic, your AI-powered all-star. We love it here. Like I said, we have been using Shopify for the past five years, and it has helped us grow. We track our numbers. We're doing really well. And we're really trying to work even more on our merch, and we're really excited to use Shopify and take advantage of all the tools as we're, you know,

We're trying to get, look, I don't want to say anything. We're thinking about getting Hawaiian shirts, okay? We're thinking about tracksuits. But when you buy them, if you buy them, it'll be through Shopify, I promise you that. So sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash stavi, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash stavi now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash stavi. There it is. We just made another, we sold another calendar, baby.

What were you saying, Ari? Totally. No, I get that, dude. And like, so I don't know. It's just, it's a fascinating thing. And of course we ended up talking about, you know, Taiwanese hookers and stuff like that. So, you know, next time when we do the rewatch, we'll get more into Jewish stuff. Actually, there's a question that ties into all this right now. Wow, this is crazy. Yeah, I'm a podcast host. I have no podcast right now, so I'm searching. What a pro. Yeah.

Hey, this is from Tuesday, 1241 p.m. Tuesday says, hey, stop watching. He'll play it. Relax. Go ahead, Eldest. Go ahead, Tuesday. Hey, Stav. Watching your new episode with Chris, you are explaining a lot of stuff as childish.

Religion is childish. Holiday, New Year's Eve is childish. It is. So in your expert opinion, I was wondering what the manliest holiday is and maybe the manliest belief system one can hold. Interesting. Inquiring for a friend. Thanks.

Okay. And look, I'm not saying manly is better than childish. Adult, adult-y. Right? Yeah, yeah. Manly. But I will say, all right, let's think about these. Yeah, what's a manly one? Let's think about the holidays.

Halloween's obviously gone. Fun holiday, but talk about childish. That's so childish. So childish, right? It's adults acting like children. But that's also an acceptable childish. Acceptable, but childish. Childish, but it's like, look, it's costumes, it's fun, it's candy, right? Like, it's not... Like, New Year's has this connotation where it's like, we're going into the New Year, we're celebrating. It's like, was the year really good? Do you really need to celebrate every year? Some years are fucking dog shit. And then what? You want to start the new year hungover and like...

possibly have gonorrhea of. You know what I mean? Yeah, what a way to start the new year with like an incoming herpes. Exactly, exactly. You're literally bringing... It's already your last day without fucking burning because it's coming. I know what I want. I'll just brainstorm here. That fucking Midsommar holiday is fucking manly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything where you kill yourself. Yeah, it's also powerful. Anything where you kill yourself is a manly holiday. What is a manly holiday? It has to be some murder.

I think, I honestly, so Christmas is based off of a Roman gay sex holiday called Saturnalia, I believe. Look up Saturnalia, Elders. So getting together, getting presents, fucking your boys in the ass. That's pretty manly. Saturnalia, held in mid-December, is an ancient Roman pagan festival honoring the agricultural god Saturn.

Uh, Saturday night celebrations are the source of many traditions we now associate with Christmas, such as wreaths, candles, feasting, and gift giving. And so I think Christmas is the answer because it's based in a gay sex Roman holiday, which is pretty manly. But also I do think there's something like, uh,

grown up about Christmas is not really about you, right? It's about kids. It's about like having a good time with your family, providing like that's like you're not really celebrating the year, but you're like taking stock with everybody that you like. Is Thanksgiving manly? Thanksgiving's up there. If you are carving the turkey, killing Native Americans, you know, coming. Yeah. I mean, manliness, it's like

Genocide is pretty manly. It's not good, but it's manly. You know what I mean? That's shitty. It's aggro. If we're going by manly. But most like adult, most like grown up. I think Christmas is just the answer. Christmas seems childish too. The presents. The presents. Maybe Thanksgiving is the answer. Can you look up a list of holidays? What about carnival? Those are two niche, right? Those don't count. Carnival, yeah, that's...

Labor Day. That's the main one. Shut up and get to work. You get one day off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can grill. That's it. Veterans Day, whatever. Memorial Day. But no, it's...

Pearl Harbor Day. Those aren't real holidays. That's not real. Look, we're talking about the real deal ones. I think you're right. Christmas is pretty childish. But yeah, maybe it is just Thanksgiving because you got a nice dinner. You got to prepare. It's nice dinner. Actually, you know what? That's actually my favorite one because just the stopping going, hey, everybody say what you're thankful for is hokey. But it does make you actually say out loud something that you're thankful for and it's nice. And even if you don't say it out loud, it's in your head. It's in your head.

this is fucking gay. And then you're like, but I do love my friends. I know. I love it. I'm just happy to be here. I'm thankful for all of you. And like, shut up loser. We all could have said that one. Yeah. That's a given. Fuck it. Fuck off. That should be outlawed. You should do a week in jail. If you say, I'm thankful for having all of you together. You need one more thing over that for sure. Yeah. Um,

So I'm going to land on Thanksgiving because it's an overeating holiday. It's a take a nap while watching football. God, what a man's thing to do. It really is like it's set up for bro. And there's no Christmas gifts for kids to fuck up. There's no pressure, which...

you're right that's not really manly is having to like like do something good for people you love it's keeping your wife in the kitchen you keep your wife in the kitchen that's pretty manly yeah yeah exactly it's definitely thanksgiving for sure and in terms of belief systems you don't have to be any religious to get it it really was the settlers of america right i don't think they were protestant but like it wasn't about that i don't even think i don't even know what

when Thanksgiving was even popularized. I don't, I don't know either because it was always told us like, God forbid you take the hint and look that up. Yeah. It would be nice if someone looked that up. Um, 1863 during the civil war, my birthday with him. Oh really? Why did you do that? Hand of thing. Okay. I was looking peripheral vision. I thought it was a, a flat. Yeah. I thought it was a nut. So the holiday, uh,

Oh, Lincoln proclaimed a national day of Thanksgiving to celebrate on Thursday, November 6th, was proclaimed by every president thereafter, and the date chosen with few exceptions was the last Thursday in November. Yeah, because the Lions and Cowboys were already playing that day. Yeah. And so they were like, it actually works out perfectly. We can force them to stay home and watch football. So yeah, I mean, it's probably, you know, the roots of it are probably bullshit. It was just Lincoln trying to get everybody to be like, hey, let's stop.

He's trying to kill each other over black people. We're friends. Look at that turkey on the right. That's a great one. That's a good looking bird. But can I just say turkey is one of the most overrated meats. Thank you. You have a, you have a, a, uh,

in that belief. I fuck it. It sucks dick. It sucks dick. Get two chickens. Some of the dark meat is good. Some of the dark meat is good, but not like, wow. It's not as good as a steak. It's not even close to good as a steak. Yeah, I do. We do Korean barbecue Thanksgiving with my family. And I made a pork shoulder sometime. And for Christmas, I do a nice steak roast, nice rib roast. I was actually in Yucatan this Thanksgiving at Thanksgiving.

And they have a lot of turkey there. I was in Ecuador a few before, and they don't really have to. Only Christmas is Thanksgiving, is turkey. So you can't find it. But Pavo is big in Yucatan. So we just got like tacos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It's so much better. Fuck turkey. And then in terms of a manly belief system...

I don't know. I mean, it's not even that I have a problem with what Christianity... Whatever Jason Momoa was in Game of Thrones. That one fucking ruled. Yeah, we're fucking... What the fuck were they called? The Dothraki? Dothraki. Yeah, Dothraki. That's the manliest belief system. That's it. The only bitch you respect is a bitch with fucking fire-breathing dragons. Everyone else must fucking... You get to use her for pussy and nothing else. Yeah.

Yep, that's what it is. Next question, Eldest. Okay, nailed it. What do we got here? Hey, Stog. Hey, Eldest. Hey, cool guests. Sorry, I really, like, screwed up the other voicemail. It's okay. But I work nights, so please bear with me. Me and my husband, we had to move to South Dakota. And we're originally from Southern California, you know, the coolest place to live, maybe. It's up there. That's cool.

So it's quite a change, you know, going from SoCal to the Midwest where there's like literally no Mexicans, which was what we are. You're doing the Mexican Trail of Tears. Right now at work, I'm having this issue of this dude who is, he's like a proud person from Connecticut and I know nothing about people from Connecticut.

But he will not stop talking about Jewish people. Oh, my God. Even for the paragliders. He just will not stop. I can't talk about movies. He'll just say, oh, Spielberg, you know, he wants to make an ethno-state in Israel. Like, oh, my fucking God, no one cares. And he's, like, low-key racist. I was eating, like, fruit with, like,

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go back? What?

He does live in a homeless shelter. So, like, just a poor person who can't afford spices. Like, it's pretty simple. He does live in a homeless shelter. Like, I shouldn't. And I try to, like, watch what I say because I want to be sensitive toward the guy. But he's also made comments about my weight and just me being Mexican in general. Like, this guy is fucking crazy. And I don't really know what to do about it because no one has my back because...

I'm like just a Mexican female lead and no one cares about my feelings out here. Spicy Latina is the new boss. They're not going to take kindly to that. HR doesn't, I don't know, they don't care.

Damn. I don't know. Just here's my... Please help. That sucks. Love you guys. Well, what's this job that you work with a guy in a homeless shelter? That's true. That is true. That's the real... I think you need a new job, lady. You move from Southern California to work with fucking people in homeless shelters? Yeah.

He does live in a hotel. You could have found that in SoCal. Now, now, hold on. He could be doing it for the deal. Yeah, he could be doing it for the deal. It is probably the cheapest place to live. He could be like, well, you got to move out in the 30s. You can't move into the first. So I'm not getting a hotel.

And the stores wouldn't let me stay in the truck. I asked them why. I said I'd give them extra free, like $5, but they wouldn't let me. Yeah, I mean, there is so much going on in this question. There's a lot. There is so much. Just moving from, like, Southern California to, like, she said the Midwest. Do the Dakotas even count as the Midwest? No, right? I don't consider it that. Like, the Dakotas make, like,

Milwaukee look like Paris? Like, there's even shittier... Like, Dakota fucking sucks dick. I know where... Yeah, I mean... I mean, it's the middle. But it's just the middle. What's the Midwest start? Isn't that Chicago? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I would argue that South Dakota...

doesn't quite it's like arizona the midwest no no that's the west that's the west yeah but anyway whatever yeah i mean i consider the mid i mean i guess culturally you consider the midwest what is the midwest i wish i had a computer in front of me so i could just google what is the what is the midwest i mean you know we know what the fuck pretty much it's like yeah there we go midwestern united states what does it claim to be yeah it's really like kind of the mid-east oh yes this is dakotas

I don't know that I would count them. I don't know either. They seem more Western to me. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? Who does give a fuck? Either way, it sucks dick. That's true. That's enough. There's enough going on there. Then the like...

This one guy is enough because what is going on? I mean, yes, he could just be an out-of-his-mind, annoying, broke Jew. He could just be dealing with that. And I wouldn't... His thing that he likes to talk about is... You meet people like this who are way too proud of their ethnicity. Way too proud. They bring it up all the time. Like, shut up. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're both...

I'll be guilty of that to a degree. I don't think we are. I think we're trying to be entertaining when we do it. We're trying to be entertaining. I really don't care. In regular conversation, we're not bringing it. Were you guys reading the alphabet? Oh, we started that, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We kind of took the Phoenicians and just made it better. It was kind of bullshit, but we kind of took it. Alexander the Great, you ever heard of him? He's fucking awesome. So that's a guy who acts like that in real life. It's annoying. It's very annoying. Yeah.

And then dealing with being the new person and also being a woman and a type of race that they're not familiar with. You're up against a lot here. Why did you move? I guess you had to. Did she say all this? No. For work. Oh, this job or her boyfriend's job? Her husband's.

I think she said in the follow-up or the first try that it was like for work or something. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So what is even her question exactly? What should she do? Was she just complaining? I think so. I guess the Jewish is rubbing off on you. What should she do about this annoying racist co-worker? Well, listen, that's working at an office. Well, what you could do is outdo him.

Go hard on pro-Jewish shit until... Oh, pro-Jewish. Yeah, until he gets annoyed and be like, I'm the Jewish... He'll change the subject. Yeah. You know? No, he won't. I feel like a guy like that will love that. He'll love it. He's ready to go back and forth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a co-worker like that. Like, this dude, we weren't saying anything. He was just, like, listening to Rush Limbaugh on his headphones all day and just trying to talk about, like, Obama. Yeah.

How bad our pretender in grief was. Yeah, the pretender in grief. Wow. I mean, you could start coming to work, maybe put a pro-Palestine bumper sticker on your car. Maybe like, now, you know.

And kind of bait him into doing something HR-worthy. Get him to fire. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You know what I mean? Just be like... And don't even... Don't argue with him. Just be like, hey, I'm collecting money for the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund. Just signing a petition condemning the murder of children. Yeah, exactly. Pick the most...

the thing on the opposite side that you can't argue against. I love how these people are so upset that they, even if it's like relief aid, they're like, no, fuck that side. Anti-Semites. Like, you can't, you can't. They're just giving fucking turkeys to the homeless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're an anti-Semite if you want. It's so crazy how well. The few Gazan children that are still around to be able to see a doctor. Yeah. I think they're breeding at a super high rate and they're catching up with the murders. Oh, you think? Like, guys, we gotta get to breeding. Oh, that's the pervert's way to like, raw dog for Gaza. Raw dog for God, yeah. Raw dog for God.

Yeah, my upbringing told me that the Palestinians have a shorter gestation period. So they're able to whip them out. They'll be able to make nine-year-olds within a few weeks. Yeah, yeah. That's what he learned at school. Yeah.

And so you could just, yeah, I would say maybe slightly goad him into that. And then because she was saying, like, I can't really talk to HR, right? Is that basically what you're saying? Which is true, right? Like, you should be able to, but we all know that, like, you don't want to be, if you're the new boss. Is this worth it? Yeah, you don't want to be seen as, like, a tattletale or, like, if you're trying to win these people over. HR also is not always the best at not showing you who's...

They'd be like, hey, guys, so definitely stop eating Bob's leftovers in the fridge. Right, right, right. We all know who it was. Yeah, it's like being in prison where it's like, yeah, you could theoretically call the guard, but then you're going to get stabbed at the fucking rec hall, you know? He ate my lunch. Yeah. So I don't know. I think you're just going to have to, like,

I mean, this just is being a boss in a shitty office. You have lunatics that you have to get to do your job. And I would say you just have to focus on getting out of work, hitting your goals, and trying to build some kind of

It probably is worse because all you have is work, but now you live in the fucking Dakotas. So I would say, like, try and see if you can make a life outside of work better while realizing these people suck. And if it's not, I don't know, man. That's real advice. Go back to fucking L.A. Yeah, yeah. Maybe get out of there if it sucks so bad. But, yeah, I would say you're in a time of a lot of transition where you just kind of want to feel...

I don't know, settled a little bit. And it doesn't feel like work is going to be that. Yeah. Like, work is the paycheck. That's where you make some new friends in a place. Yeah, it can be. How do you make friends not... Legit question, not in work. We had comedy. So there's clubhouses that we have like-minded people when you come to New York. That's true. I've struggled with that when my friends of mine, like, basically, like, I felt bad because I've always known what I wanted to do. Yeah. And I'm not interested really in making adult friends anymore, but...

The ones I do made came naturally because it was like, yeah, I see these people all the time and we actually hit it off and we actually want to hang out outside of it. Whereas like when this motherfucker worked in a real office, every one of his coworkers sounded horrible. Every single one. Like there's a couple that sounded fine, but not like the kind of people you'd go out on, you know, hang out with. And then-

The ones you would hear about are, like, lunatics. You know what I mean? I think that's how you get started. You, like, start with, like, we'll go out with the coworkers and then their friends. Right. And then, like, oh, I'll actually better friends with one of the friends. Yeah. And then you drop the coworker. It goes from there. And you get one of their friends and their friends and their friends. And as much as we just kind of went in on this guy for being too into his ethnicity and shit, like, when you're – you could probably try and tap into, like –

the Mexican community. If it exists, please just give them a nice blur. Oh, this is the whole time. Make a little note of that. Uh, George star. Yeah. Every time. Maybe we put a different thing. Right. That's some fun with it. Um,

But yeah, I don't know. This sucks dick and it doesn't feel like we're going to be able to help you at all, really. Your life just kind of sucks. You work in South Dakota and the people are fucking lunatics. Listen to this podcast more, I'd say.

Just put those earphones in. But I don't know. I would try and find community, whether that's some people find it like Mexican stuff. You could do like people get into weird clubs as adults, climbing gyms. I know that's stupid, but I just mean do something that's kind of... Pick up hobbies in your spare time that are kind of social. There is also a way to change the relationship you have with certain people. So like I knew...

I've known a few people that got in comedy that got kind of like,

eventually got kind of like racist. Yeah. And it was just annoying after a while. And I don't think they are at their core. They just kind of like went that way with jokes. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's just like, you just got to guide the conversation away from it. Totally. And we're like, shoot, see this, what this black guy did. I'm like, oh, look at his pants. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah. Pretend you love smoked fish. Start talking about cedar versus... You know what doesn't suck? Herring. Pickled herring. Wow, it's so awesome how that doesn't suck. Yeah.

But good luck. Sorry. Good luck. Sorry we're not. This feels like the kind of person that we could benefit from talking to actually in person. Get some questions. Maybe we. Do you ever do that? Call back. We do one a month. We do a Patreon where we have it through Discord and people call in. It's pretty fun. Discord. Oh yeah. I used to do that. Yeah. That is rad.

Hey, Stavi. How you doing, baby? Love the show. Love the podcast. Keep doing what you're doing. So I've got a problem with one of my buddies, and we're in a dispute over 40 bucks. So he and I went to go visit my cousin. My cousin had been drinking the night before, wanted to go to a sauna to sweat out the hangover. We all go to a sauna. We go to a Russian bathhouse, a banya.

You know, locker room, you change into a towel, and then you go into a sauna, steam room, shower, that sort of thing. So, we're fine. We all go in. Obviously, you see naked dudes in there, but it's fine. You know, we sweat it out, feel better. We leave the banya. Then in the parking lot, we're driving out, and this dude stops our car, makes me roll down the window, and he says,

"Uh, you guys gay? You wanna fuck?" And I was like, "No, no, sorry, like, we're good." And we took off, we got out of there. And one of my friends was having an addiction. My cousin's fine, he was like, "Yeah, whatever."

My friend will not stop mentioning that the whole bathhouse is a gay place now. Won't fucking calm down. Whatever. Drop him off. Venmo request. My cousin and him for the 40 bucks it costs to get into the sauna. That's where this comes in. My cousin...

Wow. What? *laughs*

Got any advice for me? Maybe this is a bigger problem than 40 bucks. Maybe I got to help my friend out here, but I would like the money first, so...

He's like, how dare you? How dare you take me to that place? You know, I've been back three times. I go back and I argue with them about how gay it is. And I just, I'm there for a couple hours arguing. So if you see, I know you have my location. And if you see me that I've been there for two hours a night the last week, it's because I'm telling them how pissed off I am and how gay that place is. I mean, dude, this is insane. This is like...

I mean, first and foremost, he owes you that 40 bucks. I mean, that's a non-negotiable. Without question, it's like, okay, man, well, if we got... Also, you went in. You didn't stop and go, what the F? And you didn't have gay sex. You borrowed the 40, and it's like, well, it wasn't what I expected. I'm like, no, no, you borrowed the 40. You just chose to come. 100%.

Like, as soon as he's covering you, what happens? Can you imagine if he was like, hey, cover me this meal. I'm like, the meal was bad. I'm not paying you back. Yeah, that's insanity, dude. That's crazy. It came out burnt. I'm like, I paid. I also paid. What the fuck? It was bad for me, too. Why? I should have to pay 80 bucks? So, I mean...

Not wanting to pay you 40 bucks. I'm not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating. That is grounds for not being friends with this person anymore. Because this is like a fucking, how a child thinks of money, right? Like, I didn't have a good time. I don't have to pay you. That's crazy. That's number one. And then being a vehement homophobe

That's also grounds for maybe not being friends. Like, is he your best friend? Did he save you in Iraq? Like, how much do you owe this guy? Because, like, these are two things where I'm like, each one of them separately is like...

It really makes you think, why am I friends with him? Why are you friends with this Welsh who hates gays? Actually, just like that's a Welsh. Yeah, yeah. That's just anybody from Wales. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I mean, this is fucking crazy. I will say, as someone, it's in my culture to go to saunas and bathhouses. Right, and not to pay people

back. And not to pay with that. Those are two things that I actually can weigh in on this quite a lot. And to complain about how you didn't have a good time so you don't actually owe anyone money. You owe them the money for sure. I will say, it is, separately, it is annoying how the gays will take over a bathhouse and make it a different thing. But at the same time, you kind of know that that's what's happening.

Dude, so I know a couple in New York that are just hetero ones. And then you go on the road, like bathhouse, and it's like only all dude, disco night. And you're like, fuck. You know what it is. Like, how do I find a hetero one? You know, it's kind of the way, while we started the podcast, you're talking about like massage parlors with locks on the doors. It's like, if you go to a bathhouse and they're playing Cher, probably get out of there. Unless you want to get sucked off, in which case, pretty fun. The one I go to has a, because a lot of Hasidic Jews, has an all-male bar.

a day or like morning and I was like okay I'll go to that and one time I was like hey one bathhouse and they're like oh it's all men today and they looked at me weird and I'm like yeah I'm a

I'm a man. Come on, that doesn't preclude me. And I'm not a very great man, but I'm a man at least. And then I got down there and I was like, oh, I see what you're saying. They put their phones in the door hedges and they're literally playing disco. Somebody was like, hey, you don't know, it's all dudes, so you don't need those shorts. I'm like, oh, okay. He goes, so take the shorts off. And I'm like, no, they're already on, so probably just leave them on. It's pretty leery. Here's the problem when coming in contact with gays is that most men

heterosexual men don't realize what creeps all men are. They've never really seen it. You've never had that power focused towards you. Right. And so you see, you're like, well, this is terrible. So I would say, dude, just have your friend just realize what it's like to be a woman all the time. It is annoying. And take it as a learning experience. And then just like, I don't know, find a hetero bathhouse. They're still fun. Yeah, absolutely. And you have to just be like, hey man, explain to him what we just said. It's like,

You owe me the money. You owe me the money, man. If I paid for your lunch and it was burned, you'd still owe me the fucking money. Exactly, exactly. And it's not like you took him to a gay place like some...

I would even, he would still be wrong, but I would even listen to him if while in the sauna and you're having a schvitz, two guys came in and started jacking each other off in front of you, then he'd still be wrong, but he'd be like, what the fuck, man? Why did you take me to a gay? Because he can't even, he has no argument for you taking him to a gay place. Outside of the sauna, two guys propositioned you for gay sex. That's not you taking him to a gay place, right?

This guy's a fucking piece of shit. He owes you the money. He owes you the money. Like, you got to start there. And then, I mean, if you want to be, if he's a really good friend and you want to be like, hey man, why does this bother you so much? And make him work through it. But my guess is...

you're not going to be able to do that. This is something. This guy feels like 10 steps away. If he is closeted, he's 10 steps away from realizing it. Yeah, he's going to fight it a while. He's not on the verge. He's going to fight it, and it's not going to be you. And I hate to say this, but unless this guy is a very close friend, and maybe he is. Cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's your boyfriend. Unless he's a really close friend, it's like you might need to. If he doesn't pay you the $40, dude, I honestly wouldn't fight. I would be like.

I would not hang out with this person. I'm serious. This reminds me of... And it's not about the money. It's about the principle, to be clear, right? My friend needed $40. I'd give him $40. But if he just tried to get one over on me... It might mean a lot to this guy, but still, you got to pay it back. You got to pay it back. You borrowed money. You got to pay it back. Totally. I loaned money to DS once in his heavy Coke phase. And he's like, hey, you got $200? I need $200. And I was like, a new young comic, kind of broke. And I was like...

I didn't know how to say no to him. Yeah, of course. But in my head, and he's like a legit criminal at the time. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, all right, well, this will be the last time. He could have asked me for $400, so I'm out $200. He's never going to pay me back. Right. And I just won't ever have to loan him again. Exactly. He paid me back two days later. Wow. Yep. Never, never reneged on anything. What a gentleman. He just got through the paydays. Wow. This does remind me of a story. Okay, please. I...

was with Tom Segura, I believe Burt Kreischer, and me, and we're at a hotel somewhere, and we went to the steam room at the hotel. Great, fine. You suck both their cocks. Well, if you're going to just ruin the rest of your story. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to step on your story. I can still taste it.

No, so we're down there. Some old dude is in there. And then he just like, he looks at me and Tom. And I think Bert had just was just about to come in or was just left. I'm not 100% sure. But he just takes his towel and opens it and stares at Tom.

Stairs and just goes like this and we're like Okay, cuz we're also like, you know, whenever you go to one of these things or a locker room be like, what's what's the vibe? What's the status quo? I don't wanna yeah, if the bunch of old dudes with their cocks out then that's just it. There's just old dudes real comfortable Yeah, so like okay and you're like is this just the way and then he starts like talking He's just nagging me nagging me up and down. What's his dick doing? Is his dick twitching?

steamy in there. Okay, all right. And then he just goes to me, it's like, hey, you seem like you're pretty, like, worn out. You should probably, like, take a break. And I was like, I looked at Tom, and Tom's just like, and I was like, I realize it's the right thing to do to leave now. And I'm like, yeah, okay.

Just leave Tom to the gay wolves. Throw your friend in the fucking steam room with a guy that wants to suck his cock. He wants it so bad. But it was just a hotel steam room. It's not a gay bathhouse. It's just a hotel steam room. It's like when fucking Pee Wee Herman did it. It was at a gay movie theater. It wasn't at a fucking Titanic. Right, right, right. You know? Right, right, right. And so I leave. Tom's like, I'm like, see you, man. That's awesome. Shut the door hard.

And he came out pretty quickly. Yeah. I would love to say it was just enough time to get it done, but it was not enough time to get it done. That's so fucking funny, dude. They just leave him in there with a guy that wants to fuck him. Yeah, and then it was like, what's up? And then also we start talking, like, how come me and not you? And he's like, well, there's bears. There's bear hunters. Right, right, right. This guy wanted a fat dude. So then Bert goes, I'm going in. Hilarious. Just tests. He was in there for 10 seconds, and the guy just walks out disgusted. Yeah.

That's awesome because you know it hurt Burt's feelings. It hurt Burt. Like Burt wanted the guy to come on to him and didn't be like, no, I'm straight. No, I'm not into that. But the guy was like, ew. At least Tom's is like a set in fat. You're just like a new pushed out fat. No thanks. You want it too much. Yeah. He put out that desperate, please suck my dick energy. That guy likes to fuck heterosexual dudes. Right. And you wanted it too much. Right. Interesting. Interesting. That's fucking hilarious. It was great. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah.

Where was that steam room? I think it was in Atlanta. Atlanta, huh? Eldest, I had a tour date. I was going to Atlanta next week. That guy had the 80s 8s too. He was the one survivor. He was like that chick in 28 Weeks Later. Oh, fuck. What do we got, Eldie? Do we got any good ones? How long have we been going? I've lost track because I'm having a good time. Yeah, what are we doing here? 121 right now. Oh, nice. Let's do a couple more.

Hey, Stav, Eldest, love the show. Basically, I have a master plan to kind of get back in my ex in a way. Yeah, nice. It was my best relationship I've ever been in. I have no complaints about her or anything. Maybe you don't. Except for the fact that she was very close with this one dude who she was never really truly honest about what her relationship was. She never told me that they were, like, romantically involved. What do you mean you have a plan? Like...

Very clearly, immediately, she broke up with you. This is so insane to be like... To get back my... No one's gotten back an ex that you broke up with. Telling us, yeah, yeah, yeah. Telling us, like, what you had a problem with. As if that matters. Of course, like, anyway, whatever. Let's see what he has to say. Pause in the past, and that he was just kind of an asshole to her. And it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Pause, pause again. Eventually, when we broke up,

So there is something that men and women will, without being able to fully comprehend it in their brain, tap into.

And when a woman's like, hey, I don't want you fucking that friend. And you're like, I didn't know I had a better chance. And they just know that you do. Or if a guy's like, we can break up, but don't fuck around. Or just you get an inkling of a jealousy. You always know. There's a reason you're getting jealous. There's something going on. You can't even quite put your finger on it or define it. But it is there. Or just even, and it's like,

You can tell by the way they talk about them. Like, this definitely happened to me where it was like a girl I was dating, she just mentioned a friend of a friend in a way where I was like...

This guy's going to fuck her if we break up. Not if, when we break up. And you sound like a lunatic if you said that. And then he fucked her. And then we get back together. And then I was like, she let it slip that she had like... Again, I didn't give a fuck that she fucked other people when we weren't together. It's like, whatever. I fucked a bunch of girls. But it was just like that it was that guy. And I was just like, who was... She let it slip that she fucked at that friend who was a friend of it, like a party she hooked up with somebody. And I was like...

Who was it? And then, dude, we're just having a fucking fight in like a smoothie shop. And I'm like, you and I'm like, and I'm like mad at her, but I can't because it's my fault. We weren't dating. You know what I mean? Like I was and I was like, I don't even care that you fuck other guys. But this fucking, you know, I was just going and I have no leg to stand on. It's the worst fight to be in because I'm in the wrong in almost every way. It's just like.

It was the one guy who would have bothered me? You would have fucked? I could tell you any time you say, just, we can break up, but don't mess around with that person, you are pushing them together. Oh, never say it. That's crazy. But you don't have to say it. You know that it's going to happen. It happens every fucking time. Anyway, so this guy had that. He had his spidey senses about this one. And she was like, he was like an asshole, but okay. But there's another thing, too. She was...

Be also wary of the guy or the girl that your ex is over talking about. We're talking about what a dumb bitch she is or what an idiot he is. It's like they're correcting for their feelings they're having. Exactly. And they're saying, we saw, so, I mean, it's tough to, we saw terrible things with her. And we saw some... Let's bleep this part out, Eldest. I don't want anything to do with this. Some woman on a date went...

Went to the bathroom, got hit on by a friend of mine, and then they went, didn't know her. Then they went to the bathroom and fucked. Oh, my God. In the bathroom on a guy she met in the hallway while on a date. Listen. She's on a date with one of your friends? What? She's on a date with a friend? No, she's on a date with a customer. On a date with a customer, a famous guy. Nope. Not even famous. Nope. Was on the show at least? Good with women, for sure. Good with women, but was he on the show? No. Wow. Later, but not even. And it was the dead days of the...

There's like a hundred people in there. It wasn't like that's crazy. So then they fuck come back. She's training stuff up. We're like, yeah, because this guy used to like pull right. That was his move. Yeah. And then she goes back to the date and gets overly cuddly because she's making up for it. Oh my God. We saw her like being more like showy and kissing neck. Huh? You smell like cum. You're cum. It's in my brain.

And it's like she has to correct it. Wow, that's demonic, dude. It's demonic. So after seeing a bunch of those things coming from just being a formerly religious Jew and seeing what actually men and women are capable of but only focusing on the women, you're like, I can't have a relationship for a long time. Oh, interesting. Because this is what they all are.

Oh, dude, that's even crazier, too, to consider that part of your development. Yeah. Coming from religious Judaism to that within a year or two. That's crazy. No wonder you're fucking out of your mind about monogamy and shit like that. Of course you wouldn't have a real, a normal look at it. They don't just fuck randos in the bathroom. It's just a super slut. That's just a super slut.

Oh my God. All right, sorry. Let's get to this guy's thing. So anyway, that's what you're saying. When there are too much of like, well, that guy's an asshole. And by the way, I've been guilty of that too where I'm like, dude, this ex, I fucking hate her. And then we break up and it's like, I happen to fuck the ex the next time I bump into her.

You know what I mean? Like, everyone's... You're making up for it by saying you hate her. So that's also a little tip. Don't be too obvious, folks. Don't overdo it. So anyway, that's what his girl was doing. She was saying her ex was an asshole. Go ahead, Elders. Relationship was, she never told me that they were, like, romantically involved in the past and that he was just kind of an asshole to her. And it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Eventually, when we broke up, she didn't cite him as the reason why we were breaking up, but...

It kind of felt like that, so I was like, "Well, I don't really want to talk to you again." Anyways, a couple months go by, this was a couple months ago, I find out that this dude is insanely shitty to her. And, um... Not your man, you wanted to. Cheated on her last month, like, all this shit. Anyways...

All of her family still fucking loves me. They love me so much. I see her mom all the time and her dad very often. And they love me. Her mom is always inviting me over.

Yeah, man, you know how women go. They're always traditionally attracted to not the bad boy asshole, but the nerd her mother and father love. That's who the girl always ends up with is the guy who's very respectful and that who her father also thinks is a good guy. He's trying to say I'm the rightful heir to the throne.

I actually deserve this. Everybody likes me. It's like, this guy's a dick to her. And I'm not saying that guy's a good guy, but it's like... He cheated on her. It's like, well, she cheated on you, dude. So she's also a whore. Let's just, before we fully take this guy down and shatter his world, let's see what he has to say. I should go to her mom's house

and cook her mom a very, very nice meal. My family has some very good Jewish recipes that we could...

that I could, you know, pull out. Oh, yeah? And, you know, run some Fortnite with your little brother. What do you have, pastrami sandwich? The only good thing, the only good food you should have. What are you going to pull out? This recipe I cooked at the local deli. Yeah, it's a ball of dough in fucking chicken stock and the grossest fish you ever... I like how he just refers, I have some good ones I could pull out. I was like, name one. Name a single one. Why is everyone waiting? Gefilte fish? Name a single one.

Literally. Anyway, whatever. Let's finish this.

Let me know what you think, whether or not I should go through with this plan. Love the show. Keep doing what you're doing. We love you too, man. But you're so, you're so, this is the most down bad. You want to believe this is going to work. It's so going to work against you. Every time I've seen a guy say, I want to show this lady that she fucked up by breaking up with me. It was like, what you're looking for is for her to cry.

right? You wanted to cry. You're not going to get that. So all you're really doing is making her now lose all good memories of you. Well, and he clearly wants to get back with her. You know, it's not like get back at her. It's back with her. So it's like, that's not going to work, dude. It's not going to work. You're completely in the wrong direction. It's got to watch out.

Sorry, go ahead. No, it's like everything you're doing is almost textbook the wrong thing. Swingers. He's like, you've got to forget her first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're still in the early stages of swingers. That's actually exactly right. You have to forget. And here's the thing. You forget, and then maybe it can happen again, but it won't. Probably it won't. You have to stop caring. If you forget, it's almost like...

she has to get run back to the, you know what I mean? She has to do her, she has to do her like onboarding paperwork again if you forget it. You know what I mean? She's out of the system. You're actually not over it at all. So you're in the mode of still being broken up with. You're so not over it. So you're not getting back. You're delusional. This is literally like, what's the stages of grief, Eldest? You're at bargaining right now. Let's go through it. Stages of grief. It's like Fortnite with her brother.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression. You're literally... This is literally it. Like, your denial. Now you're angry at the guy. He treated her bad. Yep. Okay. He was just really shitty to her. He cheated on her. So, like, I was a good guy. She found a bad guy. She was duped. Yeah. She definitely wasn't an adult who made a decision that she liked this guy. Yeah, dude. It's just like...

Also, she was lying. So you said she kind of lied to you about having had a relationship with him before. Yeah, she just liked that guy more, dude. So she's not the greatest either. And also, he sounds young as hell, right? Yeah. He's probably young. And again, I'm sorry to be hard on you. This is how I... This has happened to me, too. I was way too into a girl and I've been through this exact stage that you're through where I'm like, no, what can I do to make it whatever? And like...

Iso just told me this where he was fucking around with somebody on stage and they were saying that it's like micro whatever and everyone's like oh fuck her and then he goes oh man

You just got to go through it. And then he goes, all these older people go, yeah, that's actually it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you can't tell them how to be. It's just like, you'll just grow. This is something you're going to go through. You're just going to go through this, man. And you're like, look, her family, forget about her family. Forget about her fucking family. You're not, this isn't going to happen, brother. They suck. You're just like. I heard they're killing Palestinian babies. Yeah, that is, well, he said it, not me, folks. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And so it's just like you're just... I mean, even hearing his voice, I just kind of want to give this kid a hug and get high, buy him some pizza, and let him just fucking cry in the corner while me and Eldis play Mario Tennis. You know what I mean? You're just going through it, brother. You're going through it. And I've been there too where I'm like, how? That guy's bad for her. It doesn't fucking matter, dude. That guy's bad. You got to move on. And also like...

He was insanely shitty or what? He got a little head on the side. Insanely shitty. That's not true. By the way, buddy, you know people that have done that to women. And you don't cut them out of your life. You're just a sad kid who's heartbroken right now. No amount of matzo balls or fucking Fortnite wins...

are bringing this girl back. Nothing you can do right now can bring her back because you're so in your own head. - You're being a fucking pussy and a pussy's not gonna win this lady back. - Yeah, I mean that actually is all it is. That's basically what I'm saying.

But good luck. I really do feel for you. This sucks. Dude, I remember when I first went over through some breakups. So I'd been through it in the last five years prior. And so then my friends went through it, just like a little younger member, Nick Yusuf going through one. And then just going like, oh, I know the path now. You're in for some shit for about six months.

and then you won't think about it anymore. And there's no way to lessen the shit or lengthen it. Hopefully it doesn't go one of those four year, like I never stop thinking about things. Hopefully it's like three months only, but like you're just gonna be in this shit till it's done. - Yeah, and I mean, I've heard the rule of thumb is at least half the time you're in the relationship.

And by the way, it still lingers. It still lingers. Even when it's like, I'm totally over my last relationship, truly, like to the point where I like went through too much of a, it feels like this whole tour has been a little bit of a ho phase where it's like, it should be a couple months where you're getting out there, but because of the way my life is set up, I haven't been able to actually connect with a human being truly. And I'm just like ready for the next, I kind of want to at least, I don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship, but I want to be like, all right,

I just want to like know some people and like try it out, whatever. Go on like four dates and see. Exactly. I'd like to go on a couple dates. It's like, all right, this is like dehumanizing. Right. For me too. For me, yeah. I'm like, oh man. But even I'll have like tremors of not even that relationship, but even just like maybe like a little situationship that was like a couple months or like even past girls. It's like, it's natural for like old sadnesses to flare up every once in a while. But,

not to the point where you are planning like

What? She's going to come back one day after riding on some guy's motorcycle and getting fingered at the movies, and she's going to see you doing puzzles with her grandma, and she's going to be like, wow, I should fuck this guy. Yes, you want a good guy. She's not on that stage. No, and that's the thing. She's young, too. That's the point I was making before we just started roasting him, and it's easy to do. Well, your girlfriend's getting roasted by dicks on a nightly basis.

She does. Yeah, she's young, too. She's going to want to. She's going to make mistakes. You're going to make mistakes. And it's like some people just you meet them at the wrong time. Am I coming through this, Elders? I am. Yeah, okay. Anyway. It's also like.

She's not going to regret this. She's just going to be like, I've been assholes to people. But she's not going to be like, I wish I hadn't. I had stayed with that guy. No. She's just going to be like, yeah, I mistreated some people. If anything... But you don't go, I wish I hadn't. It's just like... No, and by the way, it's not going to be soon either. No. In 10 years, she'll be like, oh, that guy was nice. He deserved better. And she won't be like, well, I guess I wasn't an asshole. But she's like...

- No, we broke up and I got back with an ex. That's not a big deal. - She might even be like, "Oh, I was kind of a bitch to him." I've done that where I'm like in my 20s, I was like, "Oh." - But she won't cry, like, "I wish I hadn't done this." She don't feel bad about it. Right, she'll feel bad about doing it to someone, but she won't be like, "I made a huge mistake." - No, no.

Move on, buddy. Sorry. We just kind of destroyed you for like 10 minutes. But move on. We love you. We care about you in a way that this woman never will. If you really want to get back at her, if you're Jewish and know these recipes, make it rain near her house all the time for like a while so I can change all this. That's a good point. That's a good point. All right. Maybe one nice one. What do you think? Something nice to take us home? Something nice to take us home. Shabby, baby.

Brent from Detroit. So, me and the boys, right? So here's the question. So me and the boys, we get some tickets to see our favorite comedian back in October. It's going to be a night. We're going to go to the casino. We're going to go to the show. We're going to get drinks. We're going to tie one on that night. It's going to be a night. We're going to fucking rage.

And then come to find out a day or two before the show, the comedian reschedules the show because he fucked around and gets COVID. Like, who's 2023? Who's getting COVID? I know. Let's just do the show anyway. He reschedules the show to February. So we're thankful. So we just have to postpone the razor to February. So here's the question. The weekend of the new show, apparently my wife's cousin, like her closest cousin, is getting married. She's standing up in the wedding. We got to go out of town for it.

And I'm saying, yo, I got this show to go to. So I'm on the borderline of getting a divorce over this. So maybe you might have some advice on to what I could say to my wife. Or maybe I've even replaced the advice for my wife on what I should do here. Get a divorce and come see my favorite comedian and rage with the boys.

go to a wedding and forever live in shame and regret. Let me know, Savvy. Wow. I love that, Eldest, you played this on an episode that likely will come out after these shows. Oh, shit. It's February, but... Wait, whoa. Oh, it'll be the week before. It'll be the week before. Okay, okay. The week before, yeah. I will be in Boston at the Wilbur in February, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I got an answer. Please.

You got to explain to her. So anyway, it's her friend's thing. It's her cousin's wedding. It's her cousin's wedding. And be like, babe, I love you and I support you. And I want you to go to this. It means less to me than it means to you. Right. And I'm not saying I want you to not go.

Right. But I'm saying in this antiquated system of weddings, and I get why they're still important emotionally. Yes. And I'm not saying you shouldn't go. Yes. But to me and my friends, if I'm going to look back on this 10 years from now, do you understand how important friendship is to me? Right. And don't say like, don't give me shit. Just go, hey, these are going to be these lifelong memories for me that are actually really important to me. Mm-hmm. And this wedding...

It is also important to you. Right. And if you had a ticket to this show, I wouldn't say, no, fuck that. You got to come with us. I would understand like, oh, the thing that's going to give you the memories is this wedding. Right. So we should go separate to these. You should go to the wedding and I should go to this show of this rascal. What's this? Like what kind of wedding is it? Is it a daytime wedding? You get to the late show, buddy. How far away is it? Is it the same town? It could be on the road.

Did he say where it is? Yeah, if it's a daytime thing, you could do an Irish goodbye, get there, shake hands, and then fucking let me take off. And actually work that out with your wife. If your wife was cool, she'd be like, that's the way to do it. So then no one thinks you fucking slighted them. They just think, hey, I think you're on the other side of the wedding. You go to the ceremony, you make sure to take some pictures. Make sure to take some pictures. And then you're out. And listen, if you have tickets to the early show and you have to come to the late show, we will change them for you. Change it.

If that works out. We will do that. We will do that. I mean, see, right? I don't know who he's talking about. He says Detroit. He did say we have to go out of town for the wedding. How far is out of town? And is it same day day? Probably is. It can't be like get back in town. Question for the week. So here's the question for the weekend. Well, here's where you fucked up. Well, it's not you fucked up. My wife's cousin is like her closest cousin is getting married. So it's like, I know, but it's her cousin.

Can you lie to your wife? I don't think that's the way to go. Can it be a better... I think you empower the wife to tell her to tell you to skip the wedding. There's no way. Elders, if you're... Neither one of us has a normal relationship with a woman. You know what I mean? And so, Elders, if you're in this position, if there's no way you could... Could you, in a similar position with your wife, be like, hey, I had, let's say, your Atlantic City trip. I'm going to see fucking Taylor Swift.

That's right. I know she's important to you. Yes, yeah. Stuff Aldis would like. It's been a while. I spent 500 bucks on the tickets. I'm a little easier ticket than Taylor. But let's say it's for something... You're going to see a Jimmy Buffett cover band with your boys in Atlantic City. They've all been... They've gotten time off from work. You have a very generous boss that will let you take unlimited vacation time provided we're not on tour or recording at the time. And so...

Could you say, hey, me and the boys have had this on the docket? What do you think? It would depend. I think I probably could get out of it, but I probably personally...

would not it wouldn't be worth it to like campaign for to campaign for but it depends how much you're looking forward to this fucking race you gotta use a lot of husband PTO on this one yeah that's the thing it's a you could do it but you're gonna be making it up there and look I'll be honest with you man

If you've seen the special, I got maybe 15, 20 new minutes. I'll do 20 minutes of crowd work. You're going to see 20 minutes that were on the special. Yeah, you were going to see it before the special was recorded. It was going to be way more special at the time. It was going to feel cool. I'm just going to be completely honest with you, man. This ain't the show to ruin your marriage over. It's going to be good.

No one's going to be mad. It's going to be entertaining. I'm going to do more crowd work. People seem to like crowd work. How about getting a friend? Where are we playing in Detroit? What's the venue called? I think it's a venue that actually, it's not like one of these big theaters. You can actually, I think it's a music venue. The Fillmore. Yeah, the Fillmore. You're kind of near the crowd. I'm there in April. Have you been there before? No. Pull up. Let's see what the pictures look like. I'll tell you. Let's see what this venue looks like. If I can do crowd work in it, it might be worth it.

Okay. Looks nice. Looks nice. Looks pretty nice. Fillmore's got a classic name, even though it's all the San Francisco. Oh, that is nice. Okay. Yeah. It's going to be a great place to do Molly under a chandelier. Yeah. Anyway, whatever, dude. Um,

Look, I'm just going to be honest with you, man. It ain't going to be my most groundbreaking stuff. Okay. Dave Chappelle performed there. I mean, okay, that's nice. That's nice. You let him off the hook easy. Yeah, it's like the thing. You're probably going to get too drunk and get thrown out anyway. Yeah, and also, yeah, the boys on a casino weekend actually sounds like some of the worst audience members possible. Yeah, you just actually got them off the hook. Yeah, man, love your wife. Stick with her.

But yeah, dude, it's like you have to decide. You could get out of it, but you will have to use some husband PTO. And I don't know, man. I don't know what to tell you here. This is a tough one. I just don't think that husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends should have to go to these weddings of people that are unconcerned. It's this idea that you have to take your date to...

This person you're with, when it's like, why would they want to waste a night too? Did he say if his wife is like very, very wants him to go? I know she's close, but like. Right, right. He didn't say if she really wants him there. Just that it's supposed to be there. There's a plus one. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you could talk to her about it. I mean, does she really care? But here's the thing. She might not care, but it's also a big like.

People are going to ask her why your husband's not there. I guess so, but I went to Joe List's wedding and Sarah's, and it's like... Great wedding. Yeah, and I had a girlfriend at the time. They're like, why didn't you bring a girlfriend? And it's like, why am I answering this? Because all my friends are here. But you're not a regular motherfucker. I should babysit someone who barely knows anybody? Your brain was cooked...

Like a nice stew by the Jews until you were 18, 19, 20. And then you immediately started being a doorman at the comedy store. Yes. You went from one extreme to the other. True. You're a fucking strange guy. And I know what you're saying. That does make sense. And it was fun as shit. It was so fun. It probably would have been less fun if you had it. It would have been less fun. But what's his vibe, right? Like sometimes you...

I know this is, sometimes you like the family you married into and maybe he's a fun guy. Maybe, what if he's the wedding fun guy? And they're like, where's fucking Danny? What the fuck? Where is he? Yeah, yeah. Because he sounds like a fun guy. So you're going to have to think about this. Does your wife really want you there? How much does she want you there? And is it worth making a sacrifice? And

And it might be. What you have lined up sounds like a fun-ass weekend, to be honest. She will get over it. I mean, I do it. I've done it for two decades where I'm like, I'm actually booked on the road that week. I can't get out of it. That's my work. And they go, I understand. That's different. It is different, but they can get over it. Yeah. It's not like you had work that week and you didn't come to my fucking brother's wedding and he'll never let me live this down. And here's the other thing. They get over it. Here's the other thing. You can also spin it as like,

The guys took their time. Like the guys took time off their job. Like we've made these plans. I'm letting everybody down. I don't know what to do. It's the second time. He re the comedian rescheduled ones. So like everyone had to kind of reschedule plans and reshuffle. We really were looking forward. It's not, Hey babe, if this was a regular, if this wasn't a rescheduled date, I'd be there. You have a little stuff to talk about here. And it's a matter of like, do you want to arm yourself with that and sacrifice what you must sacrifice? Yeah.

Or would you rather, you know, take the coward's route like Elda Sula? Also, is there an open bar? Oh, true. You got to know the specifics. How cool is this wedding going to be? How cool is the wedding? Is it going to be a really cool wedding? Do you like your family? Is it going to be karaoke? Cash bar automatically. Is there going to be a caricature artist where it makes you play baseball? With a big head? Yeah.

Because I've been to some great weddings. I've been to some dog shit weddings. Dog shit weddings suck. And there's some weddings where it's like, yeah, like, you know, Joe's was great. Mark's was great. I think weddings need an overhaul. What are you thinking? Like, okay, it's a celebration, right? That's what it is. Eldest's wedding, by the way. Sorry, Eldest. No, all good. It was also fucking awesome. It's a celebration. Yeah. That's what it is.

So when I think of celebrations, I don't ever think of linens on a table. You know, that's not the way I celebrate. If you did the beacon and you went or fucking six fucking shows the lyric. Right, right, right. And it's like, let's celebrate. Let's let loose. It's not let's all sit down in a signed seating and fucking have turkey. Right, right, right.

Right, right. That's true. Now, let's put someone on an iPod. Let's rage a little bit. We'll all come over, play video games, watch some dumb fucking YouTube videos. It's like it needs an overhaul to what celebration is. I'm with you there. I think, and that's why our friend here's wedding was great because it was like we had a small dinner and then it's like we went out to two awesome bars. Great. We got fucked up. Great. Let's get fucked up.

up with the boys let's get fucked up let's fuck it you know and you know and it was it was great it was like the best version that because you're right it should be what you normally do to celebrate but the best version of that you've rented out you rent out a nice place you know what i mean like you're getting a nice have some dancing on the side right right right let's do some dancing absolutely yeah joe's wedding was night hey here's a box of cigars that's fine that was awesome

Marks was fucking... Marks was bomb. That setup they had was awesome, dude. Yeah, we walked up and down the street. It was like a fun activity. Yeah, yeah. The best was... So, yeah. What's that? I went to one. Okay. In private, so I won't say who. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Tell me after. They rented out a sleepaway camp. Ooh, that's funny shit. Three days. We had scavenger hunts. We had the blob, which you jump and fuck it. Yeah, we had a friend who rented a nice house, like a big house, and basically did that. Had like a nice weekend. Had a party. That's bomb.

Everyone needs a vacation. This will be in honor of our dumb love. Yeah. My cousin had a great, like she had her, her eldest actually went to this wedding just because we were in Greece together. Yeah. And it was a great. The production. It was. What's that? The production of Greece together. Yeah. Yeah. We went to. Yeah. I played Danny Zuko. He played Rizzo. We know it was in Greece and it was like.

She fucking rented out a boat and we went like fucking beach cruising. And then we had like a night of like the traditional wedding, dancing, all this other shit. And then we had a final night where it was like in the village that she grew up in. Our friend had a restaurant. We just had like a nice meal. It was fucking great. So if it's like a fun wedding with cool stuff, you have to weigh how fun the wedding is. Dog shit wedding, maybe take the...

You know what I mean? Like, just come over, dude. Come to the fucking end. It's like the end of Inglourious Basterds. Like, but your superior said you couldn't do it. He'll, like, fire you. He goes, nah, he'll be sore, but he'll get over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to drop a swastika on your head. Yeah, that was awesome. He'll definitely be sore. I mean, like, she'll be sore at you. But if it's divorceable or is it just like she's mad for a week? Yeah. Can you make it up? So anyway, we'd love to see you. Keep your expectations low as to the quality of the show. Let me reiterate that. Yeah. I won't have written any. I'm about to take...

I've taken January. It is January, and I've taken the month easy. Yeah. It is January. You know? We just got done. Just got done skiing. Getting jacked off in the hot tub. In fact, why don't we go down for a second? Sorry. Let's go get jacked off by Eldis in the hot tub again. Oh, Eldis. You're doing a double-hander? The Greek tweak?

That's going to do it. Yeah. You want to plug some dates? I'll be there. My big dates are, well, January already happened at the Palace of Fine Arts, but the three shows at the Wilbur in Boston is big. Toronto in April is big. 420 in Austin is big. Ooh, baby. Go to Ari, what is it? AriShafeer.com. AriShafeer.com, which is a whole wrong side of history tour. Ari Shafiropoulos. Aristotle Shafiropoulos. Shafiropoulos. Go see him live, folks. Come to. I'm starting a new podcast. Ooh.

You'd be tripping. I love it. I'm there. And we will be in Detroit, Grand Rapids, and Dallas making up some dates in the coming weeks. Like I said, you know...

I don't have any material, guys. I just fucking put out a special. I didn't think these shows were going to happen. I got COVID. Are you going to do some crowd work to get over it? Yeah, it'll be a lot of crowd work. What was your New Year's resolution? Oh, get ready to hear that a lot. Get ready to hear that a lot. What resolutions you got? Come armed with your New Year's resolutions, folks.

Fuck, we'll bring Elders. Elders will be on a unicycle juggling for 10 minutes. We're going to teach him little fucking halftime show tricks. Bouncing a ball on my nose like a seal. I can't wait for 30 years from now until you get like older and wiser and we start calling you Elders. Elders. Elders Sula. Elders the Elder. Beautiful. That's it.

All right, that's going to do it for us, folks. Thank you. We'll see you next time. Oh, one last thing to plug. Go ahead. I think Danny Brown and Billy Strings should do an original song together. I think it would fucking rule. Please, Danny Brown, Billy Strings, get it together. It's not exactly a plug. It's different genres completely. It's psychedelic bluegrass. I don't know Billy Strings. He rules. And it's psychedelic bluegrass. You'll love it. It's a fucking concert. It's just a fucking turn up. You guys get together. I don't know how great it will be, but I will love it. All right. Ari would like to... Any soliciting...

two music artists that he'd like to see collaborate. Yeah. We're big Danny Brown fans on this pod, that's for sure. But anyway, that's going to do it, folks. Thank you. We'll see you next time.