#58 - Sarah Sherman and Jack Bensinger
01:38:38 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. We have an incredible show for you today. Two very funny people, Sarah Sherman, though she's inconsiderate, we'll get into that soon, and Jack Bensinger, super funny. But before we do that, it's January. I want to let you know, come on folks.

buy the 2024 Stobby Baby calendar. Maybe you're late to plan your year. This will get to you before the end of January. I promise it. And it's beautiful. We got a lot of, maybe blur some of these out, Eldest. I don't want to show ass cheeks, but you do get my cheeks, folks. So that's another reason to buy them. And listen, like I said, you know who's going all the way? The Ravens, baby. Okay? Are you a Ravens fan? Are you a fan of Ronnie?

The viral character sweeping the nation that has made watching football a little bit of a chore for me because I can't just enjoy it. I have to be constantly thinking about the video right after the game. Well, good news because we got shirts available right now at Stavi.biz. Go grab them. Okay, Tabitha69 on the back.

This episode is presented by DraftKings Fantasy Sports. Check out what DraftKings has to offer this season with code STAVVY, S-T-A-V-V-Y, because life's more fun when you're in on the action. DraftKings, the crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, H-N-L-Z-R-B-L-E-R-E-O-N-D-R-I-C-K-E-R-S-U-P-L-Y. Void for perimeter. See DraftKings.com for details. Let's start the show. Welcome, everybody, to Stavvy's World. What a beautiful new year it is here, 2024. Call 904-800-STAVVY.

We have a returning guest and a new guest. Sarah Sherman's here. Jack Bensinger are here. Thanks, guys. Sarah, on time as hell. It's definitely not 45 minutes after the time we agreed on. That was already one hour later than the original time we had agreed on. Right.

I was and I did say this when I walked in I was actively laughing when we walked in thinking about how late we were yes you're almost you're nearly two hours late from the original and I'll give you credit that's not we did we did postpone it to 1.30 you had therapy at 12.30 which is

hilarious to think about what your therapist even can get through. Like, does he even get... Has he even made it through your clothes yet to get into your family? Have we even gotten that far? Well, you don't do real therapy. Yeah. Like, when I do therapy, which I don't because I don't need that shit because I'm perfect. Yeah, because you're fucking cool. When I do, I talk about real shit like, oh, I'm afraid of flying. I'm afraid of this and that. You do, like...

Catching up with your... Do you have a friend? Yeah, please tell me what you're an hour late. What you pushed an hour for. We really did have to get to the bottom of things today. Okay. Because, you know, I was talking about, you know, he was like, in a lot of your work, you use the symbol of the eye a lot. He's going to your work? What? He works there. He works at SNL. Can I say that you work there yet? Yeah.

Wait, they have a fucking court, an SNL appointed therapist? They have everything. That is so fucking funny. There's a barber. I mean, well, that's true. I went and found this guy. Okay. I said, give me the, I went to the therapy store. I said, give me the craziest guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, does he work there or not?

No. Who knows, dude? I don't fucking know. You know, one time. That could be a cult. There was like a, one of the hosts, not going to name. Yep. One of the hosts brought their chiropractor to the, to SNL. And he was fixing everybody. He was lining everybody up. And he was lining everybody up. And he was, and I was kind of like, I was a little, I was like, what?

Well, but that's another... Kyra, have we talked about this on this podcast? It's fake. Because my... I think I brought up how I was looking into, like, my family. Because apparently my dad's...

My dad, the maternal side of my dad's family, they had a couple guys that came to America and want like a great, great uncle of mine is one of the founding fathers of chiropractic. What the fuck? He's buried on Long Island. Yes, we talked about it because you're from there. Yes, yes, yes. Is that all Greek people? Everybody who's from Greece? Just because I feel like they invented almost everything. Yeah. Dude, that was actually a surprise to me that this motherfucker came over and was just like,

into chiropractic. And then apparently his brother was either a gambler or a bounty hunter or something cool. And she gave my grandma like a ton of money and they never heard from him again. He died in the Wild West. He cracked his own. Wait, do the thing. What's that? That thing. Oh, that's fake. I mean, I can try it. Usually I have a mint in my mouth. Yeah. He'll just go, hey Sarah, watch this. And then he crunches a mint in his mouth. I can crunch my...

I have fun with those crunches in 20 years. Really? Yeah, if you crunch too much, you're F'd for life. I feel good with it. Fuck off. It feels cool. How come bad guys in movies always go like, and then they fuck people up then? How about that, idiot? How about the strongest, coolest guys always do it? I can't imagine being quite as dumb as you. I know.

I'm trying to. I've hit a guy before. Really? Over what? Matt Davis. Matt Damon? No, Matt Davis. If you're watching this, remember when I punched you in high school? What did he do? I was being a designated driver in high school. Thank you. Do you have an applause sound cue? Don't give me a cue. Like a community designated driver? No, just like for the, you know, I kind of wasn't... For the crew? For the crew. Were you the go-to DD? Yeah, because I didn't like...

drinking that much. No, no, you were a fucking loser. You were a loser and the only way you could get people to hang out with you is by ferrying them from bar to their homes. If you were the DD every time, that means you were a fucking dork. Well, no, I wasn't the DD every time because I don't know if your guys' town had this, but we had Gary, the illegal taxi driver. Yeah, we had one, yeah. We didn't have Gary. He was like a guy, it was like not, there was no Uber, there was no nothing, so you would go to the train station where Gary's car was parked.

At the Great Neck train station and you would ask him if he could drive you around for the night and he would buy you beer and you had to pay him like 20 bucks. That's it? Had to have been more than that. That has to be more. In my memory, it was like we gave Gary 20 bucks and then he bought us beer and then drove us around all night. Yeah. Well, I mean, did he molest anybody? He must have. That's like crime molesting stuff. He kind of disappeared without any... Without a trace? Yeah. What's the... Ah, well. I was going to say, what's the ethics of bringing up people that we know that are pedophiles? Yeah.

I didn't say last name. I didn't say last name. I said Gary. I guess, can you bleep Gary? No, he's not doing that. Well, no, I can't do it either. What, were you going to say first line, last name, and then pedophile me now? No, I wasn't. Do you know a pedophile? I know two of them. What? Two of them, man. Different ages. Damn, I wish I could just tell all about it, but I don't know. He's been to jail. He got out. You don't have to say his name. All right. I know.

- No, don't say it, don't say it. - What, you know them too. - I know exactly the two songs. - You know both of them. - Well, one of them has like a family and so that would just, you know, why open a wound that's already been wound? You know what I mean? - So you're saying if someone commits a crime but they have a family, they should get away with it? Is that your contention? - I agree with that.

Plus he's a pretty cool guy overall. Yeah, yeah. You're right. He should be around more children. The more children you have, the more okay it is whatever you did. Because look at Bin Laden. He, in that compound, had how many fucking family members? Probably a fuckload of them. And he was housing them all. What are we going to do? Shoot him in the head? And now what? We're talking about orphans loose in Pakistan. That's not right. Oh, that's true. And by the way, all of his relatives turned out to be quite the lookers. Yeah. Say what? I don't know that they're all that hot. There's Goth. There's Goth. Obama. Osama. Oh my God.

There's Goth Osama. There's the niece who's kind of like MAGA. Yeah. Interesting. Osama Bin Laden family. See, well, look at the gorgeous niece. Oh, yeah. And he was six foot seven? Yeah. No, he wasn't. Yeah, he was tall as shit. That's probably why he was all mad because he didn't get to do the international basketball. I guess I would fuck her. He's taller than you.

Yeah. There's not. He's dead. There's the famous Terry, what's his name, tweet. It's like, Osama was tall as hell. He should have hooped instead of... What is it? Find the Terry... Yeah, there's his goth son. I talked about this on Theo's podcast. Oh, imagine if he dunked on the Twin Towers to dunk him down instead of the planes. I mean, essentially. Honestly, he should have done a dunk contest. He chooses his champion. We choose ours. Who is this one? That's his goth son. Whoa, really? Yeah. That looks...

He kind of looks like Christopher Moltisanti. He looks like he's one of the Matrix twins. He looks like Korn. He looks like Korn. He looks cool. Anyway, look up Terry Rozier Osama Bin Laden. I just want to know the tweet. Terry Rozier?

That's not how you spell it, but whatever. It doesn't matter. I can't believe we're taking the opportunity of a truncated podcast to look at a TV program. Shut the fuck up, bitch. You're the one that's two hours late, you dumb bitch. Osama should have hooped instead of trying to kill people because he's tall as hell. That's coming from Tara Rozier.

Point guard for the fucking point guard for the Charlotte Hornets. Anyway, Charlotte, back to what we were talking about. The pedophiles you both know. Yeah. I'm not saying a damn thing. Sarah Sherwin on the record won't snitch on a pedophile, folks. She holds it down for pedophiles. They've been snitched. Okay. Well, they've been illegally. What's the point?

And then it's like when you're digging up old, and then it's, you know, the victims are getting hurt. And they're watching this right now. By the way, more people. We probably do have a pretty molested fan base. More people upset. Shout out to the molested. That's not bad. You probably have both. I bet you have the molested and the people who did it. So this is your. I don't think so. I'm going to come. I don't want. If you are molested, stop watching. We don't want you.

I want to say that right now. Unlike Sarah, who's got your back and won't say anything about you, I'm anti-you. You take who you can get these days. I'll say this. I'll say this. No one goes up to me on the street, Sarah, I love the sketch that you worked so hard on. Sarah, I love the show. They go, oh, I love you on Stav's podcast. That's right, bitch. You got it. Matt, I just want you to know I molested people and I love you on Stav's podcast.

Hey, thanks for being an ally for the molester community, Sarah. We loved you on Stobby's World. And your crazy outfits. Before he banned us from listening, but we'll always cherish you as the number one pro-molester guest on Stobby's World. Now, before we did this, Sarah said to me, Jack, don't say anything weird.

Don't mess up my reputation or whatever. Does this count? I feel like we can't bleep anything because we have such little time on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to take time to bleep. They're good lights, man.

It's just like there's all this crap everywhere. So what? The camera doesn't even see how much crap there is. Don't say there's not that much crap. There's crap. Disrespect. This is the opposite of what you should be doing. Thank you. I know. I did call from the car. We were two hours late, and I called from the car, and I said, I just want you to know that I feel guilty about how late we are, and I don't want you to think that I don't respect your time, and I don't respect Elvis' time. I'm just going to leave 20 minutes before I'm supposed to be there to come across town in the middle of the day. I don't.

but it's not a disrespect thing. I'm just stupid, I guess. Well, there was an accident on the BQE, mind you. And how could you, and how could you take the supremacy of your podcast over the lives that were affected by the accident? So do you think if you left 20 minutes earlier, those people wouldn't have died? Or what do you think? What are you saying there? I don't know.

They were all right. I saw them walking around. Yeah, they were all right. They were good. They were fine. There were four fire trucks, though. They were faking it, honestly. They probably were. It's like they knew we were coming here and they were fucking with us. Yeah. Somebody sent them. That's so fucked up. They said, oh, we hear Stav's going to say something mean about your outfits. I like your outfit. Thank you. I mean, it is stupid, but it's fun. Well, and that was kind of what I was talking about today. Yeah, let's get back to your therapy with your... In therapy, it was like, you know, maybe I dress like a child because I was like...

well, this isn't fun. No, no, it'll be, it is fun. Well, it's just like, because I grew up, I grew up emotionally, you know, I'm sure we all did. We're little adults when we were children. Right. You're coming back for your, I'm coming back for my, for your adolescence right now. Period. Your perpetual Peter Pan ass bitch. But something, the last time, you know what? The last time I was here wasn't on my 30th birthday.

Oh yeah. And I was freaking out about getting older. And now I'm kind of like, I do kind of a little bit wonder how I do like this outfit in particular when I'm 42. Yeah. Is it going to look not good?

Oh, you passed that Rubicon a while ago. What's the difference between 31 and 42? I actually think this is the worst it'll look, actually. I think it looks better when you're old. Because when you see a funky old person, it's like, oh, that's cool. They don't give a fuck. When you see someone in their 30s trying to be young, it's like, it's over. And you're looking at me and you're going, well, she's drop-dead gorgeous.

So why is she using clothes as a self-defense mechanism when she should be showing those T and A's? Right, right, right, right, right. Absolutely. Absolutely. So is this what you were talking about with your very real therapist today? Because you could have skipped that and we could have talked it out here, honestly. Well, we talked about my preoccupation with the archetype of seeing and revealing and seeing and to be perceived. Huh?

That's too much. That's too fucking, that's too like poetic for therapy. It is, that do be what it's like. Like basically what we talked about today was that my, I know that's a thing I'll be like. It's not like philosophical conversations about the eye and what it represents in your work. That's this fucking. Well basically, my grandma. And this is pissing me off by the, okay go ahead finish. No, no, no, my grandma makes you rest. Thank you. R.I.P. R.I.P. Do we have a boo?

Oh, we need a boo. That would have been awesome. She had a glass eye. Oh, shit. And she would play the, when I was little, when I was little, she would play the... This is what it is. It's not some bullshit about what it reveals. Some lady in your life had a fucking eye and was putting it in your face as a little kid. That's why you're preoccupied with it. Damn. You needed to be here an hour earlier. I would have set you fucking straight.

God. Well, it was just a lot. And then, and then, so, and then I. So she would take it out and just fuck with you? She would take, so I would come down for breakfast in the morning. But she'd be sucking on it. Yeah. Spit at you. Yeah.

There is a prosthetic orb sewn into your head to hold the place of the eyeball. So like there is like a blank white prosthetic orb in your eye, but the thing that it looks like the eyeball is a hand painted lens that goes on top the

The sewn in prosthesis. So it's kind of like contacts. You can switch them out basically. Right, right. Okay. And it's painted to look exactly like your other eye and there's veins in it. And then my grandma had multiples of those. So when she died, may she rest. I inherited all of the lenses. Really? Yes. And then so she would do this thing where she would take out the lens part and there would just be the white aura. The white eye looking fucked up. Yeah, and she would take her dentures out. Looking like a soothsayer. Looking like a...

Oh my God, dentures out milky ass eye? Yeah. That's fucked up. And so I would come down for breakfast in the morning at grandma's house like...

like and then she would like do a jump scare at me oh that's pretty good yeah so it's pretty good and so then i was like well as i was talking about my therapist today and i was like well maybe that explains a lot and i was like you know and i said i said i was like i do use a lot of eyeballs in my law right right okay so well here's my big question right is like what's the thing that you're trying to make better in your life when you're talking about the eyeball

I think it's definitely a childhood trauma. Sure. I don't want to... From the grandma being like... Right, so I'm preoccupied. And it really... I mean, God damn. If therapy doesn't teach you... Those first four years... Oh, yeah. You are...

You're fucked and you have no idea either everyone thinks they can just fuck around with a baby like we our friend has a baby that we just go we say we talk the way we do Fuck you, why don't you fucking smiling? I'm saying shit like that. They're listening there. He's definitely listening, dude I was just chilling with my niece and they I didn't think they were listening to me at all and then all of a sudden my sister's like can you show us where your belly button is and

Lifts its shirt up and points to it. And I'm like, you were fucking listening this whole time. How big is a sneeze?

What are we talking? Three? We're talking four. Almost two. Two. Oh, so in the ones. You know what I'm saying? None of the words. I know. That's the fucked up thing. They can understand you before they can talk. It's like a cat. Yeah. And you think they can't. It's fucked up. Yeah. The little guy that we've been hanging out with. I mean, you have nieces, but this is the first baby that I've actually given a fuck about. You see a baby. You're like, all right, cute kid. Who cares? My best friend.

My best friend I grew up with. She used to live here. She used to live in this room. You just said that so like... It's my best friend. It's my best friend, dummy. My best friend, girl division. Ha ha ha!

Obviously, most of my best friends are men. But the one girl is her. And so, yeah, he just started talking. He went from a complete nothing to just like you could tell he's forming words. And then he started pretending to talk. And then he learned the word up, and that was fucked up. Because he likes getting tossed around. And so he just came up to me, and he was like, up, up.

Just doesn't talk to me. And then I start lifting him and he's like, you know, laughing and clapping. And it's like, damn, he knows shit now. And it's just a matter of time, dude. Flash forward 20 years, 30 years, he's going to be sitting, talking to the therapist. There was this fucking dude. Yeah, he would throw me around. He would throw me around. I was telling him, stop, stop, stop. He would call me a little fucker. I swear I remember my first birthday. I know everybody said, like, what? I believe it. What happened? Okay, this is, I'm in the chair. Look.

The high chair? The birthday chair. The birthday chair. I'm in the chair. There's a big blue cake in front of me. And I'm thinking like, this is fucking crazy blue and you can eat it? It's like this blue.

- It is blue. - Right. - And I'm like thinking, and my parents are-- - Yeah, that's reserved for like Grover at that time in your life. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? - Like no food has looked like that. - The Muppet. - And you know what, like you let the baby on the first birthday like get all up in it with the hands. - Get all up in it. - Yeah, get all up in it. And I have a memory of I'm getting all up in it and I'm going like, I can't believe this is blue and it's food. And I take the, there's a little clown on the top of my cake. - Uh oh, well here we go. - And it's got a little clown collar and it's got a little head and it's got a little clown. And I put it in my mouth and I go, that's actually not food.

That's a person. That's the thing I need to be the rest of my life. That's not food. That's me. I just ate myself. I'm a fucking clown. How much are you paying your therapist? Meanwhile, I'm getting cashew milk and cold brew for free.

That's right. And this year on Stab is Real, we have started reimbursing guests for their time. You will get less, obviously. I will be subtracting $50 from you as a lesson to you to be on time. We were so late, and so I was looking at the YouTube in the car. First of all, I couldn't find the YouTube to save my life. You Google Stab. That does not come up. Stab? S-T-A-B? Yeah.

Interesting. Like, oh, because it's a different channel. It's like your stand-up comes up. Yeah. Yeah. So, first, I'm lost. First time on the internet? You know, maybe try a different search term. Maybe scroll down literally maybe three times, it'll come up. You know what you guys are good at?

Every thumbnail's got a lot going on. It's a visual feast. Yeah, that's all Eldest and Benny Buttcheeks. Is that true? Who designs the... No, that's Shane. Shane. Shout out to Shane, our editor. Yeah, he's been getting some... Suck'em off, Shane. He needs a little nickname. Yeah. Let's work on Suck'em off, Shane. That's all Suck'em off, Shane. Why is it Benny Buttcheeks? I've never seen his butt in my life. He's got... I don't know. Oh.

Yeah, why is it? He's probably got them. Sounds nice. Sounds fun. What the fuck are you asking for? Well, you know what I call him. Don't ever go against the family and public, Eldest. What are you just saying? Don't let her fucking... I have wondered. Don't let her sow discord live on the podcast. Motion to change it to Ben Obaldguy. No, bitch. You can't tell us what to name our guy in our own company. It's Ben Obaldguy. It's perfect. Not Bald O'Brien? Bald O'Brien's really good, too. Ben Obaldguy.

Ben O'Bald guy's not bad, but he's Benny Buttcheeks. He's Mr. Cheeks. Benny Buttcheeks, Mr. Cheeks. He used to be Mr. Penis, and then we switched it. Because he looks like a penis. That I get. He looks like a penis. He's a big, bold, veiny penis. He is like... He definitely doesn't look like an O'Brien. No.

I saw him without a shirt once. He's like sturdy, like a nice hard penis. He's fucking cut. He wasn't thinking. He's always rocking the overalls. He told me about his crazy little smoothies he drinks. He does plyometrics every day. He looks good as fuck. I'm like, damn, Ben, let me get a mesh tank top on and let me just fucking feast my eyes. Yeah. You ever seen him? Sometimes he does that thing where he wears a vest with no shirt underneath. Wow.

Yep. And he does, doesn't he do chiropractic? He does body work, yes. What a good resource. I go, my knee hurts. Text Ben. He knows exactly what's going on. Wow, that's great. When you fell on the ground. And for everyone, Benny Butcheks is a returning guest, obviously. He's also the consigliere of Stavi Baby Enterprises and the director of Fat Rascal, available now on Netflix, folks.

So yeah, Ben's the man. Used to share an office. Used to share an office with Ben. Used to go to his home. I used to go to his house. In this garage or whatever the fuck. And that was, did you never go to it? I went there. Did you ever go to it? No. And guess what was painted on the wall? A bunch of eyeballs. Eyeballs. Exactly. Exactly. What else? What else? Is it eyeballs? It's clowns. What else? The teeth thing. And then my therapist was kind of on one about, so hear me out. Yeah, what's happening?

So a preoccupation with teeth. A therapist was trying to get to... So I was talking about how the only images I have of myself as a child... I'm sorry, teeth and your grandma had a fucking fake eye and popped her dentures out. I guess it's as simple as that. It's really just your grandma. I know, but he was trying to be like, well, maybe you dress crazy because you don't want to be metabolized easily by others. Oh, this guy is fucking stealing your money.

That is so fucking stupid. He was just honestly like, he was cooking. He was like, let's see how fucking crazy I can get with this one. I go two times a week and it's lying down. You get in the coffin. Holy shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Two times a week, dude. And I'm lying down like this. And then he's sitting behind me and he's like scribbling. And he's like, and you know what's funny is that I'm lying down. I'm getting the full lie down treatment. He's on top of you.

No, I'm just kidding.

You know, whatever. And it's Lacanian method, which is that he can end the session at the moment of breakthrough. So that like. Bullshit. We gotta do that. That's awesome. What a fucking scam. So it could be 20 minutes. Oh yeah, it was the breakthrough. I need $300, please. Do you ever wonder if perhaps you are wasting either time or money? She's doing both. But do you, but does she ever wonder that? Because we're all wondering that. I'm not wondering it. I know it. Here's what,

here's what it's like. There's no wonder in my, I know for a fact. You are a dear friend of mine. Right. You are a dear friend of mine as well. Do you want to be being like this? No. I'm basically paying. Kind of. I'm paying someone to just be like annoying too twice a week so that when. You're paying too much. So,

So... He doesn't need to be this fucking... He doesn't need to know some... Whatever it is, it's too much. It is a lot. And you could go to a much... If that's all you're paying for, go to a fucking... Somebody who takes your insurance. Oh, you know what's funny? Is that when I'm having a panic attack, I do walk to Jack's house and I have a panic attack there. Interesting. But it's always about something awesome that happened, which is weird. Oh, yeah. It's like, can't feel joy, huh? Yeah.

What's that about? It's because you think you go downstairs to go experience some joy for the day and then someone's eye pops out so you think, oh, I don't want to get happy because what if someone else's eye pops out because I got happy. Right.

I have a question for the comedians in the room. Please. I said the comedians in the room. He's not a comedian. He's a producer. I'm not a comedian. He's a funny guy, but, you know, not by trade. No adjacent. Yeah. You're hitting those sound cues like fucking ha ha ha. He's definitely an entertainment professional. He's the best tour manager in the business and one of the...

He's both the best and worst producer in podcasting. And that's what's beautiful about Eldis. He is the best at his job and the worst at his job. What's the worst thing you've ever done as a bad producer? One time one of these cameras, one of the cards wasn't plugged in one of the angles so we lost 4K on an angle. Who was the guest though? I don't remember. Do you remember? It was Garrett.

Garrett, oh, okay. Funny guy. Sometimes the worst thing you'll ever do is the best thing you could have done. Wow. No, he's actually, yeah. It's actually nice. He's good. What he fucks up is usually easily fixable quickly and fun to berate him because of, like, the what if he didn't catch it. Have you chipped your tooth once again, my friend? I did. I know.

I've never chipped it. I lost it completely. Right. And then I woke up one day and my new tooth was chipped and I have no recollection of how it happened. And I was just getting high in my apartment and I woke up and it was chipped. Do you think it's because it's fake? It has less integrity? I think it's actually stronger. Oh. Well, I think...

I can't believe we're at a point where it's like, we should just be replacing them entirely. They're not, these don't work, period. They always hurt. Oh, you guys don't have veneers yet? No. You got beautiful veneers, man. No. But, I'll get them. You will? When I can afford them, I'll get them. Hell yeah. No, I want to use this extremely famous platform. Yeah. The Stav that can't, doesn't show up on Google Podcasts. Stav's World. Google what it fucking is. Google the name. I Google Stav.

Google stop. Google stop. See what happens. You're locked. You can't find. Yeah, it's four letters. Did you try on YouTube or Google?

I don't remember. It was all a blur. If it's on Google, it's definitely going to be the same. First of all, she's complaining. Hold on. Let's just say, let's highlight what she's complaining about. On the Uber here, when she was already late, she decided to do a little preparation. While being already one hour late for the podcast, she was preparing, and now she's mad because she typed in S-T-A-V instead of S-T-A-V-V-Y. She's pissed off she couldn't handle two extra letters while also, for the record, being over one hour late. I thought I was mad.

Who the fuck is Stav Strzoka? What the fuck? Now I'm pissed off, actually. How the fuck don't I get it? Who the fuck is Stav Beggar? Shout out Stav Beggar. Stavislost.com? You don't even have it. I don't come out at all. This is something you can pay for, isn't it? But how about this? Search Stav. I bet I'm the number one. Stavi.

Well, by that point, it's like, my God. No, there's some fucking... Oh, no, I'm the second one. Stavi Digital Real Estate Transaction Platform. Get the fuck out of here. Who the fuck is that? Dude, don't disrespect them, man. That's Stavi Digital Real Estate Transaction Platform. Go to their about.

Go to your Wikipedia. No, we're not going to my Wikipedia. Come on, let's see. No, no, no. You get the real Wikipedia, right? Hi, we're Stavly. Stavly is transforming real estate transactions into a swift, secure, data-driven experience. In other words, moving real estate beyond documents. Oh. What? What?

This is a scam. Crypto real estate stole my name. This looks like a fake site, like a template that barely got edited or something. Well, fuck this company. We're at war with them. Yeah, look at that. Stobby.com, though. That's a great... Stobby.com. I'm Stobby.biz. They swiped you, though, with the .com. I never wanted .com. I'm a biz guy. I'm about my fucking business. I'm an FR guy. He is a nationally touring comic who came to prominence as a founding host. Stop reading my fucking Wikipedia. Hell, let's move on. She wants to vamp. Dude!

It's not enough for her to be late. She has to read my Wikipedia to fill up the time. I finally, for the love of God, found the Stav podcast page. Stavis World. You're on it right now. Know the name.

That's the second time you're on it. And I'm looking and I'm looking and I'm going, these episodes are two hours. There's no way we're going to be able to do this. Well, I think we'll be able to crank an hour and a half. But two hours? Because we're having fun. Yeah, that's true. It does fly by. I mean, most of the time, we never intended for this. That's my question. That's what's weird is that I basically, I have, I don't know, it's weird to be like, oh, I like, I've discovered enjoying podcasting because it's in my house.

I never have to travel. I'm with Eldest. Weirdly, I was thinking, and this goes back to the therapy of it all. And also, real quick, I'm talking to my friend, so I actually don't see. So I actually enjoy the conversations, too. But anyway, that goes back to the therapy. And I was excited to come, because I was like, oh, I haven't seen since the last time I did it. Is that possible? Yeah, probably. It's been a wild year. It's been a wild year. Who knows? You rose to prominence as a blue humor comic. I'm doing blue humor. That's true.

Oh, but I was telling Jack in the car right on my way here. I was like, you know, the podcast is really fun because people call in and ask a lot of questions and his EQ is very high. So actually it is kind of, you do weirdly have like therapy language. What does EQ mean? That's what I said. That's exactly what I said. I said, do you mean IQ? Yeah.

And is that IQ? What is EQ? Isn't that a sound term? That's a sound thing, equalizing. Yeah. Emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence? Wait, can you Google EQ? Yeah, go ahead, Elvis. There's no way I pulled this out of nowhere.

But it is kind of like your... Oh, I guess it does mean emotional intelligence. And yet, shouldn't it be EI? It should be EI. That's an IQ test right there. And that goes again. That's how we battle AI with EI. This has become poetic. We fucking love in our hearts. I've had it with AI, by the way. I love AI. No! You hate it? What's up next? I've had it. Sarah's pissed off because if you just type in clown shitting pants big eye, there goes all her shit. AI can completely replace her. Literally, yes.

And does this go on TikTok as well? I mean, we'll do some clips, I suppose. And here's another thing I've drawn the line with. That. TikTok? You don't enjoy it? No. It's, no. I don't know. That's groundbreaking, Sarah. You're really fucking taking a stand. You're against short form videos. Don't you think it's like crazy?

Yeah, of course. But this is crazy that you're saying this out loud. That this is what you think is like merits discussion on a podcast. You're doing really good. TikTok's bad. We all know that. Don't listen to him. You got this, okay? Nobody's ever done a rant about TikTok being on. Just do it.

Star my clock. Star my clock. All right, we have 37 seconds left of the podcast. Sarah Iso about how bad TikTok is. Let's go. Look right into that camera. Give us your best. What's bad about TikTok? It is a schizophrenic platform. Good job, buddy. That's awesome. You didn't even get it out clean. Well, as I was saying...

I was like, that's not nice to schizophrenic people. Oh, you don't want to get canceled by this. Lib Tard. You can piss off leftist liberal types, but if you piss off schizophrenic people, oh, their magazines are ruthless, by the way. Well, I grew up down the street.

I actually should bring this up in therapy tomorrow. Tomorrow? Are you fucking kidding? Hold on a second. You pushed the fucking podcast back to go because you had back-to-back therapy? You couldn't have just had a double session tomorrow?

God, you're a fucking asshole. That was so funny. And guess what? So I'm on the couch and I'm lying like this. And so my eyeline is out the window. And I just see this big billboard for the new Sandler movie, Leo. And I'm just locking eyes with Leo my whole therapy session. And I told Sandler, I say, while I'm unpacking my inherited Holocaust trauma, I'm just staring right into Leo's eye. Which is definitely a real thing. Inherited, come on.

You got to get out of that therapist, man. Inherited fucking trauma is so funny. Epigenetic, isn't that what people say, that it's like in your genes? Something bad happened to your grandfather? How long ago, though? That's what it's... Yeah. You can definitely... Definitely trauma affects you in the way, like, if shit fucks somebody up, they're going to raise you fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people make the argument that it's literally in, like, your DNA. If, like, your grandpa gets slapped, you're like...

you as a baby you're like my cheek hurts i definitely think it's like i think every problem can be just traced back to men go to war and then they come back so messed up and then they're they make awesome movies and then they do cool art yeah yeah yeah yeah and then they kill themselves yeah yeah yeah i mean i'm not gonna yeah so your rant starts now what my rant on what um

Right into the camera. Into the camera? Yeah. Listen up out there. You got to do it sometimes, man. It just is what it is. And it's kind of pointless to try to stop it a little bit. It's something we've always done. We're good at it. Get the blicky out. We're fucking good at it. Get the blicky. Let's get strapped and let's pop, pop, pop. Find somebody that looks, you know. Different. Not necessarily different. They could look the same if they sound different. Okay. Yeah.

And then I guess see who kills each other first. We've got to stop with war. Oh, Sarah's two for two. TikTok's bad. So is war. Go ahead. Into the camera. What if they are? What if they are? Oh, yeah. It's crazy at this point. Yeah. Do you think so? Crazy. Do you think it's crazier now than it has been previously? Yeah, because it's like we did it so many times.

Yeah. I didn't get to do it yet personally. It's kind of like, I don't know. It's kind of, it feels like me saying like we shouldn't do war feels like me going to AA. It's like, I don't, I haven't earned that yet. Right.

I need to go to war first before I'm anti-war. Right, right, right. You have to kill a man with your bare hands, watch your friend die, something like that. Or die. Enough with guns. Seriously. She's on one, folks. It might have taken a while to get her here, but it was worth the wait with takes like this. She has a powerful message to get out to the world. Oh, what do you think about diseases? Yeah.

Stop having them. I mean, it's insane. I do think I go, I go this. I go this. Yeah, I go this. Really? We haven't cured cancer? I mean, don't you think that's crazy? Yeah, I do. We'll figure that out. I know that is kind of fucked up. Stupid question. Go ahead. Does cancer really kill you?

Now we're talking. Now we're getting into it. Now we're getting into it. My thing is, yeah, I think it does. Isn't it always like cancer causes heart failure? You're thinking of age.

That's how AIDS works. It's maybe getting into the language of it. Cancer does actually for sure kill you. Yeah. It'd be disrespectful to say otherwise. But isn't it always your heart kills you or something? I don't know, man. But you know what I'm saying. Now we're just picking nits. I'd love to get back to this chiropractor, though, that we kind of went on a 40-minute digression on. Oh, wait. So I've been to a chiropractor before. Yeah. And while it's happening, you're like,

this can't be right, this can't be right. And that's another thing I like to talk about. How it's bullshit. But you said while it's happening. What about afterwards? Is there any moment where it feels different? Or you just mean it feels different but wrong. It feels like something...

Someone is realigning your bones. That's medieval. Yeah, yeah. Quackery. It's medieval quackery. Well, I do think there's something. I do think ghosts are involved in the fundamental understanding of chiropractic. Whoa. Wait, go on. I don't. That's all I know. You think there's a ghost in between the bones? I don't know. Look up chiropractors ghosts. Well, that is like when you crack your back and you've been to war and you have a flashback because you've uncracked something from your spine.

Yeah. That is ghost territory. Coming out. Yeah. Or like if you do too much acid and it gets stored in your spine and then you crack your back too hard. You get high. Life hack. That's what people say, but I don't believe that. Save money on acid. Yeah. 30 years from now, you want to get high? Yeah.

Now, Sarah, do you think part of it is like, how many people do you think have touched you like in your entire life? Physically. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, literally how many people have like touched you in longer than like hugs? Let's take hugs out. Not that many. You know what I mean? Not that many. Do you think it just feels weird to be touched in a prolonged way by somebody? It's a violent kind of touch, though. Yeah. Which is even worse. So it's not like, listen.

I don't like getting knocked around like that. Sure, sure, sure. I almost feel like you're good. Like, you don't need therapy. You're the healthiest person I maybe know physically. I think actually 100% verified. Really? So you don't need to be... You go to the doctor and shit? She goes to the doctor. No.

I hate to say it. That's why you fucking bring me along, man. You have perfect blood pressure. Your doctor said, is this HIPAA? No, go, go, go. I'm not involved in the contract. You have the lowest, what's it called, BMI? He goes, your BMI couldn't be

And I go, well take me out to dinner first He said he was doing my blood pressure he goes oh my god you have the blood pressure of an athlete Wow and the dentist told me that I have a concerning ly high blood pressure I went to the dentist they didn't clean my teeth they didn't do anything and I hadn't been to the dentist in eight years

And I went in for the first time. They took your blood pressure? They took my blood pressure, didn't do a cleaning, nothing to send me out. Just like, well, what, I have heart disease and no help? Yeah.

And I didn't get my, so I still haven't had my teeth cleaned in eight years. Dude, it's going to hurt when you get them cleaned. That's all right. That first cleaning back was brutal. You know what? They did just pick at it. They like examined them. And that hurt a bit, but they said they wouldn't believe me if I'd said it was eight years because they're doing all right. That's good. No cavity. Dude, see, I didn't brush my teeth for maybe five years. No, what do you mean? And I, exactly what I said. That's why they're crumbling in your mouth.

inside your mouth. They're not crumbling. The fake one's crumbling. Right, right, right. That's not even me. Anyway, I'm back. I've been brushing for the last... Oh, man. How old am I now? You just didn't feel like it. From 25 to 30, I did not brush my teeth. No shit. No one was... People were kissing your mouth? Oh, yeah.

People were kissing your mouth. Did anybody ever tell you that your breath smelled bad because of that? Not really. No, I never breathed. I wonder if your pH was just like self-regulated. I think something like that. Something like that. You just didn't feel like it? I did not feel like it. I never, my mom, like you know how an overworked parent will pick her battles? Yeah. My mom picked, she was like, look. Oh yeah.

Teeth there. I'm telling them to do it every night. If they do it, whatever. You know what? And so I very sparingly as a child, like as a child, I was maybe like every three days I'd give him a brush kind of kid. That's good as a kid. As a kid. And then I just, you live such a feral, like I lived here. It felt like, you know what I mean? Like you have such a feral lifestyle where you're on the road. When I was on the road, I never brushed my teeth until this, until like the last tour. And none of your girlfriends were ever like,

Yo. No. Wow. I guess it just must be a self-regulating mouth. I think so. I think so. My problem is I brush too hard because I'm a tightly wound person, so I brush too hard. You fuck your gums up? Yeah, exactly. Fuck your gums. Fuck your gums. My first...

cleaning back after not like brushing my teeth at all was some of the most excruciating pain in my life. My gums were inflamed. I caught it where I was like, oh God, if I had gone another six months, I would have been fucked. I had to get like, I had to get like heavy duty teeth cleaning where they're like, they clean my shit and I literally spit out like the most crimson you've ever seen in your life just from gums. Like every time she touched it with a little,

like gushing blood, you know? I've had a ton of mouth stuff done since then. Cleaned up all the cavities, all this shit. Now you're brushing. Now I'm brushing. I got the electric shit. I'm flossing too, brother. And you know, this came up today in therapy as well. Okay. I said, actually the most calm I ever feel in my entire life is when I'm in the dentist chair and my therapist said, is that because there's drills in your head and you actually have to surrender control for one minute of your life? And I go, absolutely. So yeah, guess he's fucking bullshit, right? I mean, that's one of the most...

obvious answers. Again, everything he's told you is either something we could have told you or complete dog shit. And it doesn't matter either way. Yeah, and it doesn't matter. It's more of like an interesting conversation. You know what's important? It's important for me to know that I have an interesting relationship with the archetype of control. You don't think that's

That I need to know about. You don't need to spend however the fuck much and go two times a week. More money than you could ever possibly imagine. Go to get a regular ass therapist who's telling you regular shit. You know what I mean? By calling to Stav Podcast. Yeah, please do. Literally, that would be better for you than what you're doing right now. Yeah, at least be funny. I'm not even kidding. He has a therapist. You have like nothing.

real therapist. My therapist bodies it. I go quite simply AI style. This is a problem I have with my life. That's how it should be. What action can I take to not have the problem? That's exactly how it should be. We address it. You find out that you like to go to the dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a simpler way to say it. You shouldn't debate what the meaning of eyelashes are as a symbol. That's not what you should go to therapy for. You have gone with a problem and they have

That's the whole fucking point. It's a doctor. It's not like a conversation you pay for. So what do you... Yeah, that's the thing. I'm trying to figure out what your problem is that you want fixed. Well, that's kind of the thing. The problem might be the whole thing of it. That's the problem! That is the problem. I just five off the top of my head. What's the opposite of a therapist? Someone to talk shit at you who doesn't... Oh, yeah. Oh, somebody to roast you. Who gives you money to talk shit about you? No, I...

I had a I had a conference. Fuck. What's it called? He did. Wait, are you serious? Like a real thing? Oh, right. Combative or whatever. It was called combative therapy. It's not called combative. It's not called it's exposure and instigating. It's called. That's crazy, though. I went to it. He was fucking straight up. He was writing you. What was he saying to you?

Give us a couple good ones. I don't think I can say it out loud. Didn't you get an article written about you last time for something like this? Yeah. And is that all right to do again? No. The last time I went on a podcast, I said something that he said in therapy, and then Page Six wrote an article about it. Look that up, Eldis. Look up Sarah Sherman therapy, Page Six. Dang it, wait a minute. My whole fucking thing that she told me was don't bring this type of thing up. Whoops.

It was Entertainment Weekly. Therapist quit after sending her crazy SNL breakout. SNL breakout. That was August.

All right, that's good. Hey, that's a funny joke, by the way. What happens if you say a funny joke on a podcast? Can you not use it in therapy? You can't. Oh, wait, I forgot to mention he fired me. Quit after sending her crazy conspiracy paintings. So this was your last therapist. Yeah. So you just, we need to... What are you saying, I'm batting at 100? 1,000. I'm batting at 100. Yeah, batting at 1,000.

I'm batting at a thousand. Sarah Sherman's former therapist is listening. She would like you to know that you walked out on the best mind pussy of your life. See, that's a good joke. No, that's interesting. They're burning your material. No, I said something funny on a podcast. Oh, you burned it. And then after I said it, I was like, I should say that on stage. But if you already say it in a podcast, you can't say it on stage. You can say it again, sure. You can work it as a bit. I haven't written a bit in eight years. Yeah, that's fine. Christ.

And if you're watching this, please come to my show. You're out there with fucking Bad Bunny, dude. You're out there fucking shit, doing shit with Adam Driver. He's a baby. That was a good sketch. He's cool. He's a good actor, too. He's being nice. What? So... He's being nice to you. He keeps up. You don't hear him. But he's keeping up. I'm keeping up. I'm a pro. What was Adam Driver like? Was he cool?

You can see the military training. Oh, yeah, because he was in the Marines. You have to respect it. He was like, he was talking about Osama. He was like, we're going to get that motherfucker back. Yeah. Oh, that's when he joined. He was a 9-11 Marine. Yeah.

And I respect, you know what? Which I do get for real. If you're ever going to be patriotic, it's like, let's fucking go. That was the time, like, that's the time to do it. When George Bush threw that fucking fastball. What would it take for you right now? Yeah, to join. If somebody, like, lit the fucking Pentagon on fire and maybe was pissing on it in a disrespectful way. I think you would have to, like, sign with your mom. Like, the government would have to come to your mom. Yeah, I think it's, I'm past that point at this point. You'd have to. You're not with the country.

What could they do that's worse than 9-11? Like, yeah, what could they do? Let's think about it. Let's think about this for them. Let's plan another 9-11 for them. I mean, at this point, I'm not doing shit, dude. I'm over. I'm done. But in my 20s as a young man, as a young man kind of looking for meaning... I think...

someone could get me to do it. I just don't want to, I'm too, basically too lazy. But if somebody came to me and was like, listen, we got it all taken care of. Get out right now and you're going to have like a sick ass fucking gun in an airplane. You're on the back of the, the like, the like, you're, you got the turret and they're driving the fucking like four wheelers. Yeah. No, I think you're right. It would have to be my like, it would have to be like almost tribal where it's like defend my family. I would have to like, here's the thing.

thing though and this sounds like I'm kind of I'm taking a sorry I'm distracted because there's like ads on the TV right right I'll just come on get out of this man I we when okay we did this is gonna sound like I'm taking a left turn

We did shows in Arizona and people were packing at the show. Yup. They had the heater on them. You could see it. How many people? Yeah, they're going, here, here, here. There was like 12 people at my shows in Arizona. No, I didn't mean that. I mean, how many people had a gun? I literally asked, I asked on stage,

I was like, um, I, cause there was like a joke where I need to find out how much a ticket costs to my show. So I go, how much did you pay to be here? And people are going like, I go, how much do you, and I'm asking the crowd, I'm like, how much did you pay to be here? And then someone goes like, we all want a raffle to be at the show. Oh my God. That's brutal. Holy fuck. That's tough. Where were you? House of Comedy? Uh,

What was it called? Phoenix. What was it? How's it called? Kind of in the burbs? No, it was in a shopping mall. Maybe it was their second. There's like two locations of this place. Okay. Stand Up Live, Phoenix. Oh, Stand Up Live. Literally awesome shows. I do like Stand Up Live. But there was like a... Oh, it was a bad joke. I was like, you guys have open carry here.

open Carrie, what about open Miranda, open Samantha, and open Charlotte? That's good. I like that. And everybody's not laughing because they actually had guns and so they're not going to understand. Or they're not Sex and the City fans. Well, I don't think the Venn diagram between guns and Sex and the City. So then... That is true. But it was crazy. How many gay guys have guns, do you think? What?

think that many probably not which is a shame I don't think that many I guess they would kill them they would kill each other over some you know who had who's like foundation looked better yeah who's like if you accuse someone of not serving they might fucking talk about slaying do you know people with guns yeah

Here's the thing, because we do as well. And listen, I'm not going to say their names on the podcast. Is it the pedophiles from the beginning of the podcast? Is that how they fuck the kids? Yeah, they fuck the guy. You have a gun. You wake up every single morning, you put a gun in your pocket or whatever. Not necessarily. You literally...

that is like when you when people are packing like that it's like you just wake up every day ready to kill someone literally I think they usually keep them in their house I think most people I know don't like walk around with a gun but the people at the Arizona show were strapped they were happy about it but that's okay but they're in the desert but they wake up in

they put the gun on and they like they literally when you do that you're like I'm ready to kill somebody there's definitely a nice percentage of those motherfuckers that are hoping like a rowdy teen fucking gets in their face if I was on my deathbed and I fucking loved guns and I had one my whole life and I never fucking ever got to use it on somebody there's a I'm not saying I would do this and I don't condone it either however there's a chance that that nurse is gonna get it

The nurse. Whoever's right in front of me. How about this? You wheel, you wheel. You're like, my last, here's my last wish. Wheel me out. Let me, give me a hay bale. As a high school is letting out, as an urban high school is letting out, okay? I'm going to have, I'm going to have like a,

Well, I don't want to say Jordans again because I feel like I made a racist joke using Jordans already. But I'm going to have, you know, I'm going to have, like, maybe some Rolexes and it's going to be falling off. You're just basically going to be, like, a sitting duck for, like, shit children like. Like, teenagers' Fortnite packs. Oh, okay. You're covered in skins. You're covered in Fortnite skins and, like, you know. And you're, like...

and you're like, oh no, I hope, I've been left alone. I hope nobody takes my Fortnite skins. And then first fucking kid that tries to grab it, pop, pop, pop, pop. Oh my God. That's what they want.

That's what I'm saying. They want people to come up on them so they can use it. That's what I mean. If you're dying, I wouldn't kill the nurse. I would try and kill some, you know. Well, I guess I wouldn't do Fortnite skins. Maybe let's trap maybe a pedophile. You want a bad one. Maybe a pedophile. Maybe like, uh-oh, I have this sexy baby in my lap and I'm too old to fuck it. Does anybody want to take it? I hope nobody takes it from me, though. Here's a reverse idea, I guess, that essentially the idea is like,

Why not let somebody else do it and be charitable with your death? What do you mean? Somebody else kills you? Yeah, like, oh, you know what? I'm going to die anyways. I'm going to let somebody get the free kill. Or how about this? You do a duel with another old guy like you. Yeah, and they televise it. Best man wins. Trademark. Cut this out. Love that. Show pitch. Strikes over.

Finally we can talk about it. So the show's called, what's it called? It's called Hospice Showdown or something, I guess. Something like that. Last Man Standing. Hospice Deathmatch. Hospice Roulette. Ooh. Hospice. Dealer No Deal Hospice Edition. And we kind of brand it with the Dealer No Deal. We get Howie Mandel involved. Is he dying? You open a briefcase. It's like you either have a gun or you don't.

That's a good way for war to go down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone picks a briefcase. Yeah. And then if both of them have guns, that's a duel. But if only one has a gun. It's a chase. I don't know what it is. Yeah. No, you just execute him. It's an execution. Yeah, it's an execution. That's a good Mr. Beast idea, too. For when he starts running low. And look, it doesn't have to be Duel of the Lords. I'm just saying it would be great to get Howie involved.

I just think, you know, he seems like a great guy. He's on TikTok. He's on the top. Is he? Oh, yeah. Big time. Well, look, we should get to these questions. Wait, did we already talk about our death row meals? Did we? Huh? Do you remember the soldiers? Death row meals? What's yours? Go ahead. Well, because I can't do dairy. Right. So I can go out with a bacon cheeseburger and fries. Oh. So you would shit yourself in the electric chair. Bacon cheeseburger fries? Bacon cheeseburger fries, onion rings. Milkshake?

Dr. Pepper, maybe a chocolate malt. Malt is sick. Black and white cookie, rainbow cookie. Jewish. Jewish, period. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throw a lock in there, throw a cheese blintz in there, period. Your turn, go. Okay. Pickle, I'd also put a pickle in it, go. That's not that much dairy for never being able to eat dairy in your whole life. Yeah, maybe. Did you say milkshake? I said a chuck of malt. Okay. Malt, that's powder. I guess there's... No, but there's milk in it. Oh, dude. Go, go. Soda jerks. Go, go. Um...

Last meal ever, I would have to request, these are discontinued, but the Pizza Hut wings from back in the day before they went to Wing Street. Wait, were they fried? Yeah. Okay, because now they're baked and they suck dick. Yeah, they used to be so good.

But I don't know. Also, maybe respect the wing from your youth. I think you were just a kid because I've been to Buffalo Wild Wings recently being like, damn, I love B-dub-dub. I spent a lot of my high school time there watching the UFC with my brothers. And which is really what we did a lot. And and just not as good, not as good as a shame. I mean, it's got to depend on could be by inflation because the quality of the chicken seemed right. And there's a shortage.

There was a couple years ago. I think we're back. Yeah. Because Wingstop was selling thighs. Now you know shit's bad. Yeah, that's scary. They made a whole commercial. They tried to get away with it. But anyway, sorry to cut you off. Before Wingstreet Wings. Yeah, Wingstreet Wings. I mean, you listed so much food. Yeah, go crazy. Yeah, but don't go that because there's a meal. That's a meal. What you said is reasonable. There's a meal. There's a meal.

I guess. Yeah. Wing Street wings. Maybe some Twizzlers. Maybe. I can't think of food that like is meaningful to me. My last meal. That's crazy. Oh, interesting. You can't do that. Hold on a second. That's a lunch. That's like a fucking consultant's lunch. No, no. This is different. This is a chicken Caesar wrap. We went. It's from a slice shop. We were doing. I don't know. But they.

It's covered in cheese. We were doing shows in D.C. and he's from D.C. and he was like, bro, I gotta take you to this place. Wait, where is this place? I know of D.C. It was on the hellish waterfront, like where the ice rink is. That piece of that slice shop. Okay. They used to do wraps, but they're gone now. I can't co-sign this. That's crazy. You didn't go spend every day in the Georgetown waterfront?

No, that's not a good answer, man. I'm sorry. You might just not be a food guy, though. It doesn't seem like... It's not something that really speaks to you. I guess I can't say that I am. I eat every day. What are your vices? Are you a booze guy? No, it's food. It's candy. It's candy. Candy, that's fun. You know the metal rods with the candy bags on it at 7-Eleven? No.

Yes. He made that in his house. That's cool. No, I didn't. You did! My house is nothing but a punching bag and all my black glasses. I got nothing else and a bunch of suits. Right. Punching bag, a picture of the Prophet Muhammad that you're daring someone to have a problem with. Oh, yeah. I was at the Hebdo thing and it wasn't what they say. I don't want to get into it, though. All right. Let's do some fucking questions. What about you?

I've answered this before. I think I would go a full Korean barbecue spread. Ooh. Fuck. Grill it myself. Get that fucking... The most expensive beef in the world. Oh. Grill that fucker up. Have some dumplings. Have a seafood pancake. Yeah. And it's really... It's also an event, you know? Yeah. There's people there. I think so. I just mean like it's the kind of meal that's an event. Do they allow that? I don't know. For that to go somewhere for your last meal? For you to chill with friends? No. I don't think... But I could...

I mean just grilling it. I do it myself. You know what I mean? Like, I'm doing something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that you don't think, yeah. I've read that the last meals are, like, barely honored by prisons anymore. Like, you tell them what you want. They're like, yeah, if it's easy to get, we can get it. We could do it. Yeah, yeah. Are you kidding me? I mean, it makes sense. Why the fuck? You fucking mass murder 12 kids. And it's like, all right, man. We're going to get you exactly the type of stuffed crust pizza you like. Is there no more dignity in this?

I actually really don't. Well, I also read there's like this one guy who like just asked for like the most elaborate like 12 course crazy ass shit like last meal. The prison got it and then he refused to eat it. Respect. And he like went out without eating it and I think that like it's probably shit like that that the prison's like, all right, fuck this. He ruined it for everyone. The other people get free food though. That's kind of like a solid. Yeah. Like,

Can you go out as Skinny Legend? I know, but he went out hard. Whatever. Fuck him. Fuck you guys. That's a very good point, guest of mine. You know what else is very good? The NFL playoffs. That's right. It's NFL playoff time, folks. One of the best times of year. And there's no better way to spend the playoffs than with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL playoffs.

DraftKings is bringing you an offer that will help make the playoffs electrifying. New customers can bet $5 on any game and get $200 instantly in bonus bets.

I love DraftKings Sportsbook. I've been all over the place. I'm placing, you know, look, you don't, I'm not giving advice. I'm just telling you, I love putting money on my team. I love betting on the Ravens. They're going all the way, baby. And one of my favorite features, in-game betting. Let's say I fuck up. It's not looking good for me. What I thought was a sure thing.

You know, maybe I'm getting my ass fucked a little bit. Well, good news, folks. You can always switch it up with in-game betting. Just make up mistakes. Me personally, that's all. I'm not telling you what to do. It's making every moment interesting, even if the bet of the first day is over. Let's keep it going. Let's get that in-game going. I love the DraftKings Sportsbook. I'm a user myself.

And here's what I want you to do. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use code STAVVY. You customers can bet just five bucks to get 200 instantly in bonus bets only on DraftKings Sportsbook with code STAVVY. The crown is yours. Let's go Ravens.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.1800gambler.net in New York. Call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY 467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 plus age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance.

See DKNG.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming sources. I'm straight. Play us some fucking questions, Elvis. Oh, the best is the transcription. Hey, stop, Elvis. Yeah, the best thing is something the listeners have no idea about. Go on, Elvis. Hey, Stobby baby. How's it going? This is Jeremy from Brooklyn. What up, Elvis? Hello to the guests.

I want to get your opinion on something. So the background is I'm 38. I'm getting into dating for the first time in a while, quite a while. I have had terrible teeth my whole life. Bad genetics, you know, no dentist visits when I was a kid. So about earlier this year, I ended up having most of them pulled and getting dentures. So I wear dentures now and I like them.

I'm happy with how they look. Nobody's asked if they're real or told me they look fake or anything like that. My question is, how do I tell girls that my teeth aren't real? I mean, do I put it in my profile or do I tell them like the first date or later on? I really don't know when to approach the subject. And I think, you know, some girls might be girls down by it.

So I'd really like to know when to tell people the word entrance. I do think...

We are plagued as a culture by perfect teeth. I think it's distracting and bizarre the way teeth look now at all. Yep. And I think I want to honor this person's feelings about your feelings are valid. You're beautiful. You know, like if you feel like your teeth are fucked up, you don't want to show them like, you know, whatever that's on you. But like, nobody really cares about perfect teeth. They think that like,

I'm freaked out by them. I know what you mean, but he's dealing with a different issue. I don't think he... It's like I got veneers or whatever. It's like, hey, my teeth come out of my fucking head. Yeah, yeah. And what are girls going to think of this? As a rule, here's what I think. You're basically talking about exposing your hole to the... A naked hole to them, right? Hole in a hole. By taking the teeth out. By the way. So...

It comes up the same time you would expose, she would show you her pussy. You would show her your ass. It's only fair. This is whole o'clock, right? Yeah, right. Whole conversation doesn't start, you don't put that on the profile. No. You don't say, I have a weird dick in your profile, right? So I think this is an intimate thing. Taking your dentures out is a pretty intimate act. You usually just have your teeth most of the time. I think you could be like,

You know, I think it's like, it's kind of, it's on you. It's really on you to when you want to decide, but there's no, you don't have to say it in the pro, you don't have to like, don't let this, let them get to know you first. It's hard enough to get to make a connection with somebody. You don't have to put in your profile like, hey, I have dentures. Like if you had, um...

I don't know. It's like a medical thing. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Fake leg. You find out when you find out. Fake leg's fun, though. It's way funner than that. There is... I will give him this. There's a stigma with dentures. Well, because of the class thing. Because it's also like a... Interesting. Like an old... It's not like other prosthetics where it's like you could almost make a joke of it or you could also cash in some sympathy. Like if somebody...

if some, if you like lost your leg in like, you know, in any way, right. Even as a kid with a little, you had like this guy's example, right. He's basically lost his teeth because his fucking parents were poor. They never took him to the dentist. He didn't have the beautiful self-cleaning mechanism that I did. Right. Um,

but if the same thing happened where it's like, hey, my parents were too poor and I got a disease and my fucking leg fell off, but now I have a cool metal leg, people would be like, that's fucking cool, right? It's endearing. It doesn't really change shit. But if you just like, you know, you're doing Sarah's grandma's jump scares with the teeth out. That can be endearing in a sense too. Yeah. You know, you're doing this shit. Yeah.

It comes out when you're eating. That's really the big issue is you have to take it out to eat. No, you don't. I didn't eat. It depends what kind they are. No way. I didn't know this, but my dad is missing his fucking front tooth. You didn't know that? I found that out when he was 72. Get the fuck out of here. And he's been missing it the whole time. Never had it. That's awesome. And it's fucking sick, by the way. I told him my favorite things about him. Yeah, he takes it out and he usually doesn't have it in. He usually just hangs out without it. You just didn't notice?

I just, he surely was hiding it from me or something, or he had a good one that like he didn't have to pop out all the time. But now he keeps it out. Now he keeps it out a lot of the time. And I love it. I think teeth are loaded.

I think it's like, because I think he's feeling a certain type of way about them because there's so much emotional baggage with what has happened to his teeth. Well, it also makes you look, it makes you look older if you take your teeth out, right? Like there's, speaking of TikTok, your favorite platform, there's like that lady, have you seen that lady that's just like looks, she honestly looks fucked up because she has like bad, weird skin and she has, and her teeth come out and she's like, and then she like fucking beats her face up real good. Yeah, her. Her.

Uh-huh. She beats her face up nice. Now, she makes herself look bad on purpose to, like, so that the glow-up looks better. Of course. But there is something to the, like... So, I get it. Like, that's how she looks with her dentures in and her fucking... Okay. By the way, I think people can tell. Like, if you go on a date with someone, they can probably tell you have dentures in. I don't think so. Really? Like, even that's kind of fucking... Oh, wow. I think that you can...

think there's a way to casually and like change the shape of your face too by the way there's an option we're not talking about which is you can be happy alone a billion percent and every when you learn to live alone that's when you truly oh you mean like able to be peaceful don't be so do you mean try and give it up do you mean give up getting pussy yeah maybe you could do a glory hole yeah yeah you can figure it out not that i say that word but you could go to a glory hole easily

And then you don't have to worry about the teeth. It's like if people, I don't know.

I think that the dentures are no big deal. It's totally casual. Yeah, and here's the other thing. You will also, at some point you're going to tell somebody, you're going to have to tell somebody, and they might react weird, but guess what? That's not for you. There are definitely people out there that find it in the same way that we automatically think like, it's like you're the peg leg can be funny or endearing or whatever. It's like people, you'll find people who will find, won't have any issue with it whatsoever. People have fucked up. You're 38. Bro, in your late 30s going into your 40s,

Everyone gets some weird health shit. Yeah, if you even have teeth at 38, you're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just think like don't put in your... I would say get to know the person first. You don't even have to like... It's not like you sprung anything on them. I guess it's kind of like similar rules to...

I'm about to say herpes where it's like tell somebody before you fuck them but honestly the only reason that's the rule with herpes is because you can give it to them potentially. It's contagious. You can't give someone no teeth. No, you can't. You can knock them out. Yeah, I guess you could. You're like, you want to make fun of me for my fucking shit? That's what, dumbass.

That's another option. That's another option. I think that there's a way also to tell people things that you're doing it so like, you know what I'm saying? Like the style. You're like, hey, listen, these are fake. Yeah, check this out. I'm kidding. I don't know that he has that in him though. Right, if he's coming here with this behavior. Yeah, yeah. Be confident.

So, yeah, I do think get love yourself because the other thing is the other thing is he's getting into dating for the first time in a while, which feels like divorce to me. He didn't say it. Or maybe he's coming out of trying to be, you know, coming out of some incel hood. So there's an overall like believe in yourself a little more before you're out there kind of thing.

But I think you're totally good, dude. If they don't look fake, you know what I mean? It's like it's a health condition. It's like you don't really owe it to anybody. You're not fucking them. You know, like if maybe if it gets a little above casual, break it down or pop it in. I found out my boyfriend has an amazing fake laugh like eight years into our relationship. And now you hate it? You're faking it? What?

Well, I just found out he's an amazing fake laugher way too late. So if you'd known that right off the bat, you might not have gone with him, is what you're saying. I could have been more suspicious this whole time. Right, right. It feels different. I think you're fine, brother. I think it's like... I would say the thing is, you tell them when the guilt of... When you feel like you want to just...

with them. Like, I don't think you really owe anybody anything. No. You know? You can measure when, as you're getting to know them, are they going to have a good reaction to this or is this person going to fuck me up and send me back to whatever. I really think it's when you're comfortable. I know that's kind of a cop out of advice, but it's like, let me, let's, we're going to absolve you of feeling like guilt, like you're hiding something. You're not. Who gives a fuck? He is, but...

But it's not enough. You know what I mean? It's nobody's business until they mean something to you enough that it is their business. You know what I'm saying? And they're going to have business too, by the way, for you. So just, you know. Yeah. Oh, you have a kid? How about this? Yeah. And then they go, oh, you have this? We're even, bitch. It's going to be a trade-off. I bet you, I swear to God, I bet you there, you'll meet somebody who also has dentures.

Oh, yeah. That would be a fun love story. Dentures dating app. Dentures dating app. He's like, ew, I'm updating a fucking bitch with dentures. It's like incest. It's like mouth-shaped incest. Mouth-shaped. All right. Good luck, brother. Hit us with another question, Big LD. Hi, I've left the pod. I've got a quick question for you. So there's this girl I've been seeing for maybe a month or two now. I really like her. She's great, but...

there's this thing that's been happening right so when we watch movies like she'll talk about all the non of our co-attractive she finds the guys like the celebrities like oh he's so hot he's so hot i think he's hot through in his other film this later film it's like okay you know that's fine you can have your celebrity crush whatever but we were watching this anime film and the whole time she's like talking about this anime ruddy cartoon character oh he's daddy this guy's daddy right

later on in bed she says she asks me to recite one of the guy's lines from the raddy anime so she can let out her anime fantasy and i didn't do it of course i got some dignity right but that's weird or am i just a prude i don't know also like i get that like it's

you're going to be attracted to other people right like of course that happens but the way I've always done it is in relationships I'm not going on talking about like oh that girl is so hot look at her tits look at her ass like that seems disrespectful to me at least or have I just been insecure you know back in

I mean, I get it, right? Like, you can be attracted to other people, and we're not, like, exclusive yet or anything, right? So it's fine. But I just think it's a bit disrespectful, especially because, like, 98% of the time she's swinging over someone. It's not me. She's, like, talking about all these celebrities and even, like, the anime characters. And then maybe 2% of the time she comes out good. We're watching an anime film. It just seems a bit weird to me. I don't know. Are there British people in anime? We're watching the freshest of animation. Yeah.

I don't know if there are British people in anime. Hmm. Interesting. I mean, asking to recite a line from it is where I'm like... Presumably while fucking, I would guess. He finds her disrespectful in general. And I will say...

This gets to a point where it's like, look, you say somebody's hot, who cares, right? You say a famous person's hot, who cares? But if you say every fucking time you see a guy, damn, that guy's awesome. And then you almost like, she like sighs and starts sucking you off. She's like, damn, that guy's so hot. And then she's like...

Oh, well, back to work. You know what I mean? You don't want to feel that vibe. You want to be like... Back to a 3D guy. But it's at least a cartoon. It's not somebody who could actually steal your girl. You know what I'm saying? That's true.

Unless there's some weird circumstance I can't imagine being real where they get animated. They get zapped into the TV and get to learn a lesson. I find when people do that, it's like them just wanting to remind you that they're sexual. Like when someone's like, if you're watching a movie with someone and they're like, that person's so hot, they're just wanting to remind you that they're... Interesting. Interesting.

They want you to be thinking of them in a sexy zone or something. Interesting, interesting. Can you do that comedically? Like if I was like, yeah, this is going to sound crazy, but can you just fucking like...

I'm trying to think of a good one. Can you just act like Sarah Silverman for like 10 fucking seconds? Just so I can feel like I'm on the pod with her. Just so that you know when I'm on. Like if Sarah Silverman was here, you know what I'm saying? That would get my fucking joke machine cooking. You think she's just trying to be hilarious? You're doing riff role play? Yeah. Sarah Silverman, you fucking dog! Wouldn't you feel a little bit devaluated or whatever the word would be?

I see, I see, I see. You're saying... Okay, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Like platonic role play, rhetorical role play. Basically, yes. He's talking about real role play here. And I think like...

I think, like, and they're not even dating. Like, look, if you're in a long-term relationship, I think opens it up a little bit to be more open about who you're like, damn, that bitch is awesome. See, like, you're a girlfriend. It's like, you can have that conversation. And then you can even, it opens up, like, role play a little more. Because it's like, hey, we've been together for a while. Let's try some, like, yeah, I'll fuck it. Because, like, I'm not trying to recite any lines. But if a girl I was dating dressed dumb like an anime character...

I think I would be into that. And I'm more of a visual guy. You know what I mean? It's like the difference between...

between men and women essentially. It's like you want to be talked to in a certain way versus like, yeah, I just want somebody who has dumb pink hair and like, you know, two fucking little space buns or some shit. She's got a big ass sword like the lady from the cartoon we're watching, right? Like I would like to fuck a big titted Japanese anime girl for sure. I see a sword and I'm like, let me have sex. Sweet, sweet. Take my sheet. Well, you're wearing an anime shirt right now. It's a...

Oh. I wore a clown. It was my only clown clothing in honor of you, yes. Wow. What is your business? I don't know. I don't know. The problem here is this is like a sexualized clown. You're sort of like a sexless clown. All the genitals got sanded off and so on and so on. Yeah. Yeah.

I think he's also referring to he doesn't like how she's sexualizing everything and talking about. He finds her just like disrespectful and inelegant. I do think so. And maybe part of that is like we're assuming this guy is like, you know,

We're assuming this guy is just getting back from a fox hunt because he has that British accent. I just don't really care for the way she talks about the cartoons. You think he should be having amazing sex because he's coming from a hard day's work is what you're saying? Yeah, he's probably coming from a hard day's work. He deserves some pussy. He doesn't need to hear about how cute Jason Momoa is, you know? Literally. So...

I guess it's like, he's, his own insecurity is reflected back in him. He's, don't get me wrong, you can, if somebody you're with makes a couple passing comments about somebody being attractive, Mm-hmm.

and it bothers you, that's insecure. If it's constant, and she's asking you to repeat lines from a thing because she wants to fuck a cartoon character, and you're not even dating that long, it is weird behavior. I actually am on his side. Can I get a red pill for a second? I feel like if a girl does that a lot, it's almost like she's testing your reaction or something. It's very constant. Because I feel like...

A guy can't do that, but a girl can. And if you get pissed at that as a guy or get annoyed, you just kind of look like a bitch, you know? So you're saying it's a fucking... I don't know. It's a test, brother. Yeah. It's a test. I kind of say that. Okay, let's accept your thinking. How would you suggest he controls his bitch?

I don't know. Maybe she's not the one. Maybe she's just like a dumb bitch, honestly. Yeah, I think so. To be fair, that is what I think. From different philosophies, we came to the same conclusion where she does sound like kind of a dumb bitch and he does, you know, they're not... She might not even give a fuck about this guy too, right? This happens a lot where it's like, we're not exclusive, we're just dating, whatever. She might just be in it for some of that fucking... Some of that little hoax. Voice over sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I will say...

Please. This is going to sound like I'm president of the United States of America. Yeah, whoa. You know, jokingly, me and my boyfriend were talking about who our hall passes were. Yep. And now that I'm on network television, I have met my hall passes. Wait, I thought Paul Reubens died this year. Yeah.

But once the... Listen, do I think my hall pass would ever touch a 10-foot pole? No, but it did become more of a... It became more real. Yeah, sure. And so... Oh, definitely. There is something to that. Yeah, and so I want...

I'm guessing they exist in a world where hall passes are like entirely theoretical. But again, you're right. But again, they're not even dating dating. They're not even like boyfriend, girlfriend, nothing. They're hooking up. But I know like...

And even what you're talking about, the theoretical hall pass is acceptable up until they bring it up constantly. Right. At that point, it's not even about them being a celebrity. It's like, well, do you want to even fuck me? You just keep talking about... Like, imagine if I was like, oh, let's go get lunch. And you're like, great, I'm so excited to take you to my favorite restaurant. And I just kept talking about other sandwiches that were better than the sandwich you brought me to. It would piss you off. That would piss me the fuck off. It would piss me off big time. You're going to hear about it right now.

It literally would piss me off if somebody did that to me. Shout out to my hall pass that I haven't met, Billy Bob Thorne, if you're listening to this right now. The Blood Man. So who's the one that you did meet? Not saying. Okay, let's go through who were the guests this year.

No. It wasn't? No. He was in somebody's entourage? You were just hanging out? Yeah. Okay. Just stop. I don't know. Let's just say it. Let's just call it out. The tension's been fucking nice. You'll tell us off the air. That's fine. Somebody's saying you're a whole bastard.

That's awesome. Hey, listen, if your girl makes me her hall pass, that's a problem. I'll probably fuck her. So don't make it me, brother. I'm telling you right now. That is not on me if you let her have me as a hall pass. The DMs are open. The odds are pretty good. If she catches me on the right night, it's pretty good. That's not a hall pass. That's a whatever they would call it, a fucking something else pass.

A field trip car. Beautifully done. Permission slip. That's a permission slip. That's a permission slip, baby. There you go. Permission slip. There you go, man. Imagine if I said that. You sign that and she's going on that ride. Well.

Actually, less so. It really bothers me that I've actually worked too hard to get as much pussy as I'd like the last few months. Really? It sucks, dude. Sorry. It's not just... You're not filter feeding this? You're not just boiling through the ocean with a mouth open? I will ask. Catching straight? Scooping up pussy like I'm a whale-eating krill. No, unfortunately not.

We'll get back there, folks. We'll get back there. We're on the path back to less work. You're so famous at this point. No one can reach you. When you do a theater, you're in a green room that's like separate room. It is true. I'm not around. I used to play bar shows where the green room was a curtain in a corner. And if you wanted to approach me, all you would have to do is open the curtains.

100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But now you're entering buildings from the alleyway. It actually is bizarre that there's security.

But which, you know, it's nice because you're more successful, but it stops you from getting pussy. You have to start doing $50 meet and greets. I can't do that. I just have like... I philosophically cannot charge people to shake their hand. That fucking sucks. Then I have to be... That's like... Then I have to... I would rather do just straight up sex work than like friendship prostitution. I would rather somebody pay to suck me off. Yeah. Anyway. So...

Again, don't make me your hall pass. Don't let your girl make me her hall pass. If her titties are big enough, it's almost certain yes. And even if they're not to be perfect and she's cool. That's nice. That's nice to hear. It's true. It's true. I've, you know, I've definitely, I'm about all different types of titty sizes.

Thank you, Eldis. Next question. Hungry. Maybe if we had an hour between this podcast and the last one, I would have had time to whip a son up. I told them to come at 345. Because I knew what was going to happen. I knew for sure what was going to happen. Go ahead, Eldis. Sure.

Watch that shit like three times. Oh, that shit's fire. I got a question for you. I called him before, but I guess old LD didn't like my situation with a lady, but I got a new one though. I was talking to this girl, and then I ghosted her out of nowhere. I didn't really ghost her, but I started giving her short responses, started trying to get her signs.

A slow ghost. And then she got mad at me and whatever. And then after like a month, I was like, damn, trying to hit that. So I hit it back up and I was like, yo, I fucked up. Oh, he apologized. She took me back. You feel me? And then, but the first time we hung out, she's like, I gotta know what happened. And I lied and I was like, damn, I was fucked up. I was on drugs. Blowing a lot of cocaine. Which,

I was doing. And now I'm still doing a lot of cocaine. I can't do it around her. She's worried I'm going to do the same shit, obviously. That's awesome. So do I just tell her, like, hey, I'm not going to lie, I was just a dickhead, like it wasn't a drug? Or...

Do I just get off that? I can keep doing drugs. Quitting drugs is not an option. I'm going to keep fucking with cocaine. I'm high as fuck calling you right now.

But if you could answer this like on the regular podcast, not the Patreon, that'd be fire. But if you gotta answer it on the Patreon, I guess I'm buying cocaine. Yeah, you fucking prick. You're buying eight balls, which is another five bucks a fucking month. Yeah, that's it. Alright, I love you, Stobby, baby. Keep doing what you're doing, buddy. Thanks, man. Can I take the floor? Please. Aw,

This is why SNL's bad, folks. This is who the fuck they're putting on. Fucking losers. Dorks. And this is Colin Jost calling in, by the way. You guys can't see him in the camera. Get this camera to zoom in on me.

Wow, what happened? Cocaine all night to right the cone heads. Huh? Just lie. Listen to me right now. Don't tell them. Drugs are not good for you. Look, he's young. You know what's good for you? Love, affection, care, love energy. That is true. All right. And guess what? Oh, I have a new rant. Start the clock. Go ahead. Uh-oh. Guess what's the worst drug on the planet? Alcohol, actually. Alcohol.

Drinking is poison. Yeah.

She's saying it all weird, but it is her true belief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. Sometimes I feel like alcohol is going through my pee tubes and it's poisoning it. Do you know what I mean? You can feel it going through all of your tubes. V-tubes, yeah. And the other ones. Before the pee tubes, it goes in the body tubes. It burns a little bit. It's obviously poison. It is poison for sure. So who's going to be holding your hand at your deathbed? Cocaine or a woman? Well...

Well, I also think there's a couple things going on here. I think he basically has to make a choice between

of what he likes and first of all rookie mistake now first of all let's just say let's go let's back up all the way don't ghost people it's rude oh right i will i will say that i think that i bet you no judgment i bet you a lot of people who listen to your podcast are coasters okay so interesting it's not that's true it's nicer than saying uh molesters yeah it's a step in our direction i just have a

I have a feeling that's the vibe. That's like what the youth of America are doing right now. It is a... That's why I'm saying it. It's a lesson you have to learn. We've all done it. I've been a dickhead to women because I was just a coward. I think most of being a dickhead to girls is being a coward who can't just admit like, hey, I had a pretty nice time with you, but I don't want to... I just don't see anything serious. You don't want to take the responsibility. You don't want to have that conversation. So you're just like, ugh. Yeah.

And our friend here is definitely, you know, being a fucking dickhead. He's probably, I hope he's young. If he's in his 30s, this is really unacceptable behavior. I hope you're like in your 20s. Yeah. Because look, who hasn't been 20, you know, in their 20s doing way too many drugs?

and desperately clinging to the only girl that gave you any attention that whole year, right? We've all been there. You're describing me being 25. That's happened to me at 23, at 25, at 28. So basically, don't worry about it. You'll get to an age where it's all figured out. Don't bother thinking about it. No, we can fast track him here. And so now you made a... Now, I don't condone ghosting. I don't condone...

you know going back just for head unless you really do think you something could pop off with this girl um but i will say you did make a tactical error of lying i think if you were done with cocaine you're a genius because it's the truth it's a nice alibi and you're gone you made a blunder do saying it was a thing you still love doing yeah you should have said it was like

you know, I don't know, your ex, whatever, you know, you had a family issue or just some, if you're gonna lie, do something that's not gonna affect your life. Now you have to decide, do you need as much of a dork as Sarah is? Mm-hmm.

Do you really like... Could this accidentally improve your life? Did you... Oh, there's the next guess. Oh, my God. They're early. Five minutes early. Five minutes early like gentlemen. Actually, you know what's funny? They're the week before you in our schedule, so it's going to be like... Fuck. What the fuck was I saying? So, yeah. You can decide. Is this like...

Is this an error that you've like by accident, you might be in a relationship and you might take down your cocaine use or go ahead. You can also double, triple down and say like, fuck, when I said that it was because of the cocaine, I was on cocaine. That's not going to help. It's going to get you into the situation twice. Right, right. So that's the thing is like you kind of did, unfortunately, back yourself into a corner where you have to decide, pick between one or the other.

I think he has a fucking bad fucking attitude, by the way. Yeah, he's a fucking dumbass. He's blowing through life with no regard or respect for... He does have a bad attitude. He's showing up late, two hours late to stuff. Yeah, yeah. Big opportunities. Pointing out the stuff on the ground. You guys wouldn't even believe how much crap there is on the ground. There's not that much crap. There's fucking shoes. There's little papers strewn about. There's a couple papers back there. There's a manila folder.

folders. Shut the fuck up. God knows what you guys need files for. Physical files. Alright, sorry we're not in your office with a bunch of fucking unicycles and fucking tied together different color handkerchiefs that you pull out of your fucking sleeve. Anyway. That's good. Yeah, dude, look. You're a fucking dumbass. You're a young dickhead. You're mistreating women. You're doing too many drugs. You have to decide...

By accident am I gonna slow down because at some point Sarah is right you do need to stop doing this much cocaine Is this the time for you to stop doing it? I couldn't I don't know enough about your situation You get a couple years to party bad attitude Cocaine's weird right now with the fentanyl. So you could find a different thing Yeah, I kind of am with them actually like see cuz I'm worried about your health. I

Fentanyl, you'll die. Yes. I made a blanket statement to all my friends. No more cocaine. It's not worth it. For now. What if they got the strips? Use the strips. This guy doesn't have strips. He doesn't. Come on. If you get the strips. He doesn't have a strip to hang his hat on. Maybe go. Can you go with a different drug? That's good. Can you go with a different drug? Can you keep both? If not, you're going to have to choose this girl or cocaine.

Don't get me started with weed. And you, oh, weed's worse than cocaine, dear? It's the worst drug known to man. That's so funny. It's fine. It's not great, but I mean, I like it. One of the hardest drugs known to man. Hardest? It's a hard drug.

Let's do one more. Let's do one more. I respect the time of our guests who are on time. So why don't we wrap up with one. Why don't we wrap up with one more quick fun question, Eldest. Don't get us in anything bullshit. This is also Eldest's time to shine. Again, if we would have cast, you know,

What's up, Stavi, you beautiful, sexy, full of rolls motherfucker? Full of rolls. You're beautiful too. This guy sounds fat, by the way. Hello, gas. I heard you guys talking shit on the movie The Whale. I find it hilarious. Pause this. My friend was literally crying. Sounds fat as shit, and he's talking about The Whale. Probably fat as shit, calling me fat. Keep going, Elders. Thanks.

watching that movie on our trip to London, like on the plane. My question is, could you have a few words and explain to him that that's fucking hilarious?

Yeah, he's a fucking idiot. Here's the thing. If somebody found the ending of The Whale moving, they're either fat as shit and a pussy, right? That's like feel sorry for themselves. Or they're that weird type of person that thinks like being fat is worse than like having AIDS. Yeah.

Like there's a type of person who hates fat people but they pretend they like care about them and they're like it's so sad like to them watching the whale was like watching like a slavery movie. They see fatness as like a real oppression or whatever. So your friends are fucking either he's fat as shit and look we've all been sad to be fat as shit. We've been there right? But he's got to start believing in himself and

If he wants to lose weight, lose weight. Or if he just wants to dress better for his body and just have people treat him better, that's another thing. If your friend's not fat and he's crying, I mean, that's even more pathetic. I can't even imagine a skinny person crying at the fucking... Darren Aronofsky, this is my pitch to you. The movie The Shrimp, and I'm the star. It's about Elvis' dick. Thank you. Go ahead. Well, I'm just so skinny that it's like... Oh, you're a little shrimp.

I won't watch The Whale because I'm too much of a zoom in empath. That movie sucks, dick. And I love Aronofsky. I mean, he's got some bangers, but God damn, that movie was so... Me and Eldis watched it on the plane next to each other and it was the most fun we've had all year. Eldis is my producer and my fucking...

We see each other. He's seen me more than his wife this year. I've seen him more than any other person. We've had multiple beautiful times. There was no more fun two hours than watching the whale and looking at each other and being like, are you serious? All the problems were like, he would get mad and then he would just like...

He'd eat candy bars and shit. And he, like, dropped things and he was too fat to pick them up. That happened, like, eight times. In the end, I don't want to spoil it. I mean, whatever. You haven't seen it. Spoil it. Huh? He floats up. He floats up like he's about to die. And he's just like, oh. He goes into heaven. He fatly goes into heaven. He should sink. Yeah, yeah. He should sink into hell. I mean, he could sink into heaven if he wants. Yeah, that's true. He shouldn't float if you're more heavy. That's true.

That's true. Just speaking logically on movies. No. I haven't seen that movie. Does he die at the end of the movie? Yeah, yeah. He's so fat, he just wants to die. Well... Sorry, I just cut you off. Go ahead. Well, of course, you guys hold women's narratives to be so important that it's okay for me to cut you off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, go ahead. It took me like 25 words to say that when it should have taken six. Right, right. Which is why women shouldn't get to talk as much. Exactly. Go ahead. Or drive.

Don't you think that possibly Brendan Fraser is so good at acting that it doesn't matter what movie? He was good. He was good. Yeah, so what if it was about his friend was crying because he was so moody?

by Brendan Fraser's performance. But the end is fucking so stupid. And when he floats, it was like... It sounds funny. It was awesome. It was so funny. Because it's a very grounded in reality movie. It's the kind of movie that had like... There was four people in it. It was a play. Oh, damn. It was a COVID movie, right? So it's so like... It takes place in an apartment and on the porch. There's two settings. It's all that one place. It's all conversations. It's all so grounded in reality. And then the end is like...

He's so fat, he goes to heaven. It was, I mean, it was so funny. That's a good pitch. It was really funny. I don't want to see it until I know what the ending is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. I cried at a bad movie, but the performance was so moving. Oh, oh! You've cried at somebody saying like, hey, how are you? You know what I'm saying? You cry a lot. What movie? What performance? Well, so when Matthew Perry died, I was like, R.I.P. And when he was like, could I be wearing any more clothes? And you were like, oh, Chandler. Well,

Well, I realized that I'd never seen Friends before somehow. What? So Jack and his girlfriend were at my house and I'm like, let's fucking watch Friends and see what all the fucking fuss is about. And they were explaining to me

about Ross and Rachel and I had then I watched an episode where I was seeing Ross and Rachel interacting and there was nothing but their performances were so that I started sobbing oh yeah that's insane I was like oh I can't get Ross and Rachel now what? you have to go to a real therapist that's what I'm saying

You have so many hilarious emotional issues that like it wouldn't even be that hard for a real therapist to make progress. It's like, you know, when they have when the guy goes in, he's like, hey, can I cut your lawn on TikTok? And it's like all this overgrown weeds and shit. It's like that's they can make that place look better in a fucking day with one just getting a couple weeds out of your that's your mind. You say it's the best mind pussy, but it's fucked up. What was the crazy cry in

in Vermont. We went, we were doing a show in Burlington. We went to get some lunch. Great town. Lovely, lovely waterfront thingy. And then you were crying at the idea that Bernie Sanders lived there, walked around for genuinely, I think, 20 minutes. I couldn't talk to you. And here it goes, by the way. Good God. All right. It's happening. We're going to get Sarah a real therapist. Thanks for coming, guys. Just sit up and

Yeah, that's where he fucking lived. He was the fucking mayor, then he was a senator. But it was so beautiful and there's like rolling hills and you can just picture him in

And we couldn't have lunch because of this. That's crazy. You need to go to, stop going to your therapist, go to a real therapist. Join the army. Next year when you come back on for our yearly check-in with Sarah, I hope you have fucking, you know, worked on yourself. Jack, please come back on time with maybe a different person. Maybe we'll bring you back with Eric. Yeah, that would be fun. You guys are walking on the best podcast post of your life.

That's going to do it. Watch Saturday Night Live. Right? Did you want to plug that? Yeah. When does this come out? Probably the second week of January. Maybe January 8th, it looks like. I got tickets to move. Egg on my face. I hope you've come to my show in Miami by then. Any more tickets in January or no? Back to work. That's it. Back to work. You know what? What? The listeners of this podcast should watch my sketches. I'm just, I'm serious. With all these bad ass sketches.

I agree. He's got stuff to plug. Yeah. Saturday Night Live, it's funny as hell. I don't work there. They keep saying no every year, but...

I act like I work there. That's what matters. Yeah. Show up to the parties. And shout out to the boys. Well, I won't plug my own podcast, but it's called Joy Tactics and it's got Eric Rayhill, Nate Barone. I'm looking not at a camera. You don't have to. Yeah, listen to Joy Tactics and watch Saturday Night Live and go to Miami a week ago. See you next time. Oh, and watch Fat Rascal, I suppose. Guys, seriously. Bye, guys. Guys, seriously. Bye.

♪