#52 - Todd Barry
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. We're thrilled to have Todd Berry, the legend, the low energy ledge on deck on this episode. Great episode. But first, we want to tell you a couple of very exciting things going on here at Stavi Baby Enterprises. The biggest one of all,

December 5th, my special comes out on Netflix. Fat Rascal, please watch it. Okay? We could really use the numbers. We worked really hard on it. I think you're going to like it. A lot of good stuff. A lot of dick jokes. Stuff you know. A lot of fat jokes. A lot of dick jokes. Listen, you go to McDonald's, you want a nice hamburger. You watch a Stavi show, you know what you're going to get.

finely crafted dick jokes about a dick not working, about it being small, about the guy whose penis it is also happens to be fat, and maybe a couple stories where I embarrass myself. Those are available right now. We also have a couple really nice little gifts, okay? It's holiday season. The 2024 erotic calendar is out now, baby. You want to see some tasteful nudes of me? You want to wake up to my naked body every day? Let me stop you right there. The answer is yes, of course. Go to stavi.biz.com.

Got the calendar on sale now. And if you happen to be a Baltimore Ravens fan, a fan of the color purple, a fan of the videos, the reaction videos I do every Sunday as the character Ronnie, well, we got Baltimore Ronnie's t-shirts, folks, available for a limited time right now this holiday season. Grab them while you still can. And if you're looking for something else, you know, maybe you're looking to chill.

Maybe you're looking to get stoned and you don't want to harsh out your lungs too much. Well, we got the solution to that too. Actually, our friends over at thefreezepipe.com have that solution. That's right. Visit thefreezepipe.com today to enjoy their biggest sale of the year. They just turned Black Friday into Green Friday and they're not stopping. They're keeping the sales going all the way through Christmas. Okay? Until Christmas, they have a sick...

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Plus, if you see something you like that's not on sale, use code STAVVY for 10% off your entire order. We love the damn freeze pipe here, folks. We use it almost after every episode we record. Hey, we might be using it very shortly. Maybe by the middle of this episode if you catch my drift. So go to...

Go to thefreezepipe.com and use promo code SNAVI for 10% off. Plus, they got a sale all the way through Christmas. And we got calendars. We got Ronnie t-shirts. And we got a special on Netflix coming December 5th. Now, let's get to the app with Todd. Ah-ha.

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Calling will solve all your problems. We're pumped. We got Todd Berry in the fucking studio. Thanks for coming, Todd. Thank you. Which one do I look at? Whatever you want, babe. Yeah. Let your eyes wander. Make it harder for Eldis. It's my rules, man. Keep that head on a swivel. Eldis, you better not fuck that up, dude. Don't embarrass me in front of Todd. Yeah.

We got Todd Berry, the new special, Domestic Shorthair, out on YouTube right now. Yeah. Go watch it, folks. Very funny. Yeah, dude, thanks for coming out. Thanks for having me, man. I'm a big fan. Oh, cool, man. For years. I mean, yeah, I mean, there's so much, from so much stuff, obviously, the Dr. Katz days. Oh, really? You're back? Oh, we're back. I mean, at his...

So me and Elvis grew up together, and he had cable. You had illegal cable, didn't you? No, we didn't have illegal. Wow, I'm sorry. We're by the books out there. It's funny. Cops run in here now and arrest them. Finally a confession. I'm wearing a wire. I'm wearing a wire at the podcast. I don't have a special hat. I'm wearing a wire.

Yeah, Todd takes the Mission Impossible mask off. He's a cop. He's Lieutenant Lou from the NYPD. I'm sorry to accuse you. Your parents were upstanding immigrants, happy to be in the country. Thank you. Didn't want to jeopardize it so they could get TNT. Didn't want to get shipped back to Albania for stealing Food Network for watching...

Emeril Lagasse. But yes, I remember being at Eldest's house and that's how I came across a lot of comedians was watching Dr. Katz. Fully not understanding. You know when you're a little kid and you're like, no, I get this. I'm smart. I'm like an adult. We were like, God, I don't want to say how old Todd. I don't want to bum you out. I don't want to say that we were nine years old watching Dr. Katz. I was 10 at the time. I was the youngest guy ever.

So it's just a year, you know? It's just a year, yeah. But yeah, dude, thank you for coming, and the special's awesome, so everybody go, it's free on YouTube, go watch that. But yeah, man, from the Dr. Katz days all the way through, and I don't know if this is, this might be the week of Thanksgiving, so if you have anything you're thankful for that you want to tell the people here. Well, I don't know if I'm thankful for this, but last night,

One of the Jonas brothers bought me a drink. That's pretty sick. Do you know which one? Yeah, it was Joe Jonas. Joe, okay. I was at, there's this bar I go to, and I go there. This is going to be a name drop, but with Chris Rock, I go there. Wow, double name drop off the top. So we're sitting there like, it's kind of a chill, quiet bar with couches and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's these guys behind him.

And they kind of were like huddling a little bit and then like looking at their phone, which I realized later was that he was showing him who I was. Yeah, that's so awesome. And then the guy, the manager of the rest, the bar comes over and goes, with two drinks, he goes,

I was like, what? Joe Jonas bought you these drinks. And I'm like, oh, that's who that is. And then he came over and then. You guys yucked it up? Yeah, I mean, I just said hi to him, thanked him for the drink. Yeah. And the great story that's. Of course. Fresh story happened last night. That's great. You're getting it fresh. We're getting the freshest Todd Berry name drops on this podcast, folks.

No stale shit. We get it right off the market. Yeah, I can't keep the Jonas's straight. I don't want to sully your story. Isn't he in like a horrible custody battle with the bitch from Game of Thrones, Joe Jonas? Yeah.

You might be harboring a... You might have made a problematic friend, Todd. Oh. Well, we didn't exchange information. I think he's like hiding her kids from her or something like that. Or maybe she is. I don't fucking know. Do some producing, Eldis, for fuck's sake. Free drink is a free drink. A free drink.

Pol Pot comes through with a fucking... Oh, what do we got? In court documents obtained by People Tuesday, interim consent orders laid out for custody of the estranged couple's two daughters, Delphine and Willow. Delphine's a tough name. It's cute. For the coming weeks after being engaged in productive mediation. Okay. That's a shame. You know, I would have loved for Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner. Yeah, there he is. I remember him from last night. That's the guy. Your team, Joe...

Todd says, fuck Sophie Turner. You heard it here first, folks. Sophie, if you're single, I will ditch Todd in a second. I will lose his number. Hit me up. What was her name? Sansa? She was Sansa on Game of Thrones.

Was that her name? Come on, dude. I've never watched one second of Game of Thrones. No Game of Thrones? Yeah. I mean, not to be like, I've never watched it, but I've never watched it. Dude. Yeah, so you're really doubling down on your pro-Joe bona fides. Oh, yeah, man. You're like, I don't even fucking... I've never even heard of Game of Thrones. This is like an $18 drink. Yeah, that's a lot. It's a fancy tequila drink. No, I'm with you, bro. Was he with the other Jonas's or just him? He was with some guy who was a fan of mine, and I had this awkward thing where I was like, I don't want to be like...

who are you? Right. I mean, he was very nice. I don't mean like, but I don't mean like, and find out like he's some superstar. It'd be, it'd be strange if you were really into Joe Jonas. Yeah. Yeah. But this guy, that would be, yeah, it was like a DJ or something, but he was very complimentary and, you know, he's a fan of me and hell. Yeah, dude, that feels nice when a guy, when a guy has a much more famous friend, but you get in through the, like the low level guy. Yeah. That's the low level guy. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Was Chris just kind of sitting there? What do you mean? Was he engaged in Joe? Oh, yeah, I think they had met previously, which is why he bought the drinks for us. Oh, that's kind of beautiful then. You got the two, you got the arena acts together. Yeah. And then you got you and the DJ hanging out. And then we're going to bring it on the road. We'll be the side stage or something. Yeah.

Yeah, you're in the tent at the festival. There's a big stage. Why are you waiting for the main show? Go buy some cotton candy and check these guys out. Oh, man. Did you ever do any, like, festival outdoor shows? Oh, yeah, I've done a lot of them, yeah. Damn, that's brutal. There's one I used to do. Yeah, there's one I used to do. Well, this is a good story. I did one in Austin called the Fun Fun Fun Fest. Yes. Where...

I was on the stage and I was like splitting a stage with a band who was sound checking while I was doing my show. And it's one of those things like, you know, it's not... You can't get mad at the band, but you're like... Of course. Come on, guys. You just think you just... I'm not a human being? It's great to share the stage with it. And it's also like...

If I had to pick one act to not have to share the stage with a rock band, I think you're pretty high on that list. I think it's like a lot of pauses, a lot of nuance. Your timing is kind of getting shredded by a guy tuning his bass. I get it. I'm a genius. Yeah.

Not a lot of act outs is what I'm saying, Todd. Yeah, but it was just one of those things where it's unbelievable. And then I did Comedy Day in San Francisco. Okay. I don't know if they still have it, but this sounds like something you'd write in a movie, but the Blue Angels were doing a show. And you're sitting there doing your comedy, and the guy that's playing is doing a flip. And you're like...

There's no competing with a fighter jet doing cool shit. There is not one. There's not a joke. The best joke ever written is not even half as cool as a jet. Not even doing anything cool. A jet just parked. I would rather watch and be like, holy shit. I mean, normally you don't want your show fucked up, but if it's going to be fucked up, it might as well be an air show ahead of time.

But another time, I'm starting to think all these festival stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did this outside lands festival in San Francisco, and Stevie Wonder was also in the festival. Oh, my God. And I was on stage, and I guess we overlapped, and you could hear people. And I was just kind of like, you should go over there. I'll be back in six months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see Stevie Wonder. I will be at a comedy club with very affordable prices. I mean, I'm talented, but Stevie Wonder's really talented. He's, yeah.

He's one of the best guys of all time. That's why I never... I'm so happy that I never... I feel like that ended where they used to book... They used to book comedy a lot on these festivals. And it would look awesome. Don't get me wrong. The poster looks sick. Yeah, yeah. Because there's some awesome... You see Stevie Wonder and then seeing your name a little underneath. Fucking awesome. Yeah, it's great. But then the actual experience, everyone I've talked to... Oh, really? ...is just...

I mean, all those comedy tents are brutal because you can hear the bands. It's outdoors. I think once you readjust your... I mean, I would just readjust your expectations. That's true. Like, all right, there's going to be Stevie Wonder playing in the background. I don't deal with that at the Comedy Cellar. He rarely comes in there and starts playing. They do have a piano. But I did one in... It's called Sasquatch. Yes. Watching a beautiful gorge. Oh, yes. The gorge is awesome. But I remember like...

There was a band that was so loud playing like a rap band right near me. And I, like, I wish I had earplugs. Maybe I did have earplugs. But I was just like, it's one of those things where you're like, should I comment on this every five seconds? But I looked, then I would tell a joke and they were laughing. They're like, oh, they don't even notice. Right, right, right. Because they're younger than me, I guess. But I was like, this is hard. Just throwing my shit off. But it is fun because it's a different, you know, you get to go. It's a party. It's not a gig. It's a party and you got like this...

You know, and yeah, like a lot of drugs, like I'm not a drug guy, but the guy. All right. Well, for me, that's what I have my drugs. Thanks, man. But they have like a hospitality tent. Yes. And they're like, you know, Jack White is eating breakfast over near you. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah. No, that to me, the the the the the only thing I miss from that is I guess you're right. If you treat it as like.

just an awesome, like an awesome event. Like almost like a vacation you're getting paid to go on. That's pretty good. The show is going to be the low light of the actual time. Like I loved, I did Bert's, Bert had his, the Fully Loaded Tour and it was cool because I mean that motherfucker was in arenas and it was like the only, I mean...

I've never been in front of 10,000 people, right? And it is, it's awesome when you do it, but then you're like, after you do it a couple times, you're like, I love the experience of doing this. I'm glad I did it, but I do like clubs better. Like, that's how I even feel about doing a theater where it's like, we did indie, we did helium, and it was like 200 seats to warm up for like, because I hadn't been on stage for like six months or whatever. Mm-hmm.

And I was like, oh, my God, clubs are fucking... This is so much better. I mean, as far as, like, crushing... You feel so good. That's why everybody's doing it, is to just... It's at the end, at the very base, it's like, oh, this is some ego shit. Like, I love this moment of, like, you know, it washing... And you make a real connection with people, too. Like, you see their faces there. But...

It was fun as shit. Bert's tour was fucking awesome because it's like, you want to talk about any food you've ever thought of? Yeah, he's a great guy. He's awesome. The crew was great. We had a great, we had a great, you know, Big J, Santino, Matty Smith was on, Ralph Barbosa. It was just like a great, Norman was there, great hangs.

and there's an activity, there is drugs, if you're a drug guy, you probably could have gotten sucked off. I was literally too hedonistic. This is not, I don't know if this is ever a problem you have. Have you ever been too full on drugs to get pussy? That's, unfortunately, that's a running theme in my life, where it's like, that's where I'm like, damn, I'm really living like a Roman emperor's fucked up son.

the one he doesn't expect. He's like, look, I'm so fat. Don't assassinate me, brother. I'll never try and get, I'll never fight you for the throne. That's kind of my lifestyle on those tours, but not a bad lifestyle. I guess the key is don't eat if you're at a festival. Yeah, keep it light. Keep it light. Maybe a soft pretzel, a little half a one, a couple of bites. Yeah, try and get a smoothie in you. No downers. Don't take too many pills. Your penis will not work.

But yeah, like the big... I did a couple of those oddball festival shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember those. That's when I would look at those and be like... I was working at a community college testing center, and I would see those lineups, and I'm like, one day, I'll do the oddball festival. And then it's like... It's cool because you see the names, but... Right. I'm sure they're like... I don't know. Maybe you're going to say it was awesome. No, it was...

It was fine. It's cool. But like I was just saying, like readjusting, like you go out there and there's like someone throwing a beach ball around. You keep going, hey, man. Yeah. Stop that. I'm doing my act. Stop. This is well crafted. Are you texting? So you kind of all that shit that in a club I would be like. Right, right, right. Why don't you guys deal with this or whatever. Yeah. You kind of just, it's different. Or you play, like I opened for Ricky Gervais a couple of times. Uh-huh.

And he would insist on starting the show like three minutes late at the most. Wow. Oh, that's tough for the opener. And it's just like a thing where you're like, if you waited until 8, 10, there'd be 900 more people. But I just played to the people who were listening. I just said, all right, this place holds 5,000. There's about 2,000 here. That's way more than I usually play for. Of course. So like 2,000 people. And that's people can pour in. Yeah. I'm such a pro, man. Yeah.

I'm really inspirational. This is great. You hear that, folks? That is maybe why he's so successful, I guess. Because every time a club's like, you want to push? I'm like...

Cancel the show. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to get paid. But your race is like three minutes, no more. I understand. Like, if I had the power, I would like... I hate that people saunter in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like in movies, when you see someone like... Movie's gone for 10 minutes, someone just walks in. You were in the popcorn line? Yeah. You know, you think like the first 10 minutes is just...

Nothing happening in the first... Yeah. You don't think it's a little crucial? Exactly. I know. I mean, maybe if you're watching The Meg or The Meg 2, great movies, by the way, just watch that bad boy. But maybe an action movie, but if you're a Killers of the Flower Moon, skip the snack, you're going to want to see the first 10 minutes. I think I got a little story about that also. Please. Am I dominating? I love it. This is perfect. I walked into the stand the other day and...

I walked in the dressing room and Pauly Shores stretched out on the couch. And I was like, okay, hi, how you doing? I'd never met him. Yeah. So I would chat it a little bit. And then, um, at some point I was going to tell my old friend, Tom Ryan, who's really like old close comedy friend of mine. Yeah. About, you know, guess who I met today. And then he writes to me before I write to him. He's like, I went to the movies today. Guess who was in front of me in the popcorn line? Sting. Oh,

Oh, dude. He shit on you. Wow. Kind of kills my Pauly Shore story a little bit. But wouldn't it have felt worse, though, if you said Pauly Shore first and then he, bam, hit you with the Uno reverse sting? That way you can just shut the fuck up about Pauly Shore and then, in fact, lie to him.

keep it for a week later and be like, guess who I just saw, Pauly Shore. Oh, yeah, I could have liked it. You should have held on to Pauly Shore. Yeah, I just kept it in my back pocket. For a lull in the conversation with your good friend of many years. Oh, did I tell you I met Pauly Shore the other day? He's a legendary, like, the...

comedy club stories you would hear about Pauly Shore were wild. Let's just say, folks, don't sit on the couch at the Virginia Beach Funny Bone. I won't go into any more detail. Let's just say Pauly got his money's worth after the show, allegedly, and from other sources. But it is funny because that guy, that's a life where you're just like,

I did my thing and I'm dining out on it for the rest of my fucking life. And, you know, there's like women who are like, I'm going to pretend I'm 17 again. I'm teasing my hair and I'm going to suck off the wheeze. You know what I mean? Like 38 year old women that are just like, I just got divorced and I'm going to have Pauly Shore have a snack on these stretch marks and we're going to pretend it's 1983 and everyone's going to have a good time. Well, when I met him, he was napping. So it's a little different. Yeah.

I think things have changed a little bit. Shout out to Pauly. Pauly, come to Stavi's World. We'd love to have you, pal.

yeah um that is yeah that's that's that's hilarious i have not had any run-ins but he texted me one time just out of the blue a comedy club manager gave because i was doing vegas and he was like hey man and i was like hey what's up paulie shore and he just never got back to me i think i was he's probably because i guess he lives in vegas or something so um uh

I guess he wanted... I was doing like, you know, a Tuesday at Wise. This was not like... I'm not doing well at the time. Yeah. And he was just like... This was the very beginning. It was probably like three years... Two years ago. Before we had ever posted a crowd work clip, Eldis...

Shout out to the internet. Took me from Wise Guys on a Tuesday to a theater. But yeah, he just wanted to, I guess he just wanted to, and I was pumped. I was like, this will be fun. Because it's like, you know, great club, by the way. I like Wise Guys. Yeah. But Vegas is a strange town to do fucking comedy in. Because everybody's like, I'd rather go watch Usher or Criss Angel. No one gives a fuck about you. Yeah, I don't love Vegas. And I really don't love Atlantic City. Yeah.

It's a controversial take on Atlantic City. Slow down with the hot takes, Todd. Yeah, I never get like, if I get a Vegas or Atlanta, I'm like, I'll take it. But I was never like, yeah. Yeah, you're never pumped. It's just depressing. Oh my God. Imagine the amount of people that have killed themselves in those cities. Imagine.

It's got to be through the roof. Right. Like, if you have to pick one city where the most... Hotels. One city where the most suicides have happened in hotels. 100% it's Vegas. 100%. You go out, you get a... Because you can get the sickest hotel of all time. And what do you care if you're not... You put on a credit card and kill yourself in it. If you're going to kill yourself, get the best suite at the fucking Wynn and just... You know what I mean? Jump off the top. Yeah.

Jump off, get the penthouse, break the fucking windows with a $3,000 chair, and then just swan dive down. That's how I'd do it anyway. That's the way I would do it. I don't know if I'd get the suite. I feel like I would pay that forward. Okay. If you're going to kill yourself, do you need an extra bedroom or something? Right, right, right. Here's how about this. Okay. It's a big... You and your friends...

You know what you should do, really? Buy a bunch of, like, gift cards with credit cards. Or, like, buy your friends a bunch of shit on your credit card. And then, like I was going to say, maybe take the boys out, kind of like a bachelor party where you kill yourself. You know, instead of getting married, it's you actually kill yourself. That could be kind of nice. None of your friends know it's happening. That'd be an interesting twist on the bachelor party. How was the bachelor party? It was a little different this time.

The groom took his own life. Oh, okay. Well, I guess not a bachelor party because then the wife's involved. That's kind of sad. She thinks she's getting married. It turns out he's been cheating and he has chlamydia and he lost all their money on crypto, so he offed himself. But just, like, if I took you out on the best vacation we've ever... Me, you, our best friends. We have the best time of our lives. And then I kill myself.

And I'm like, boys, don't worry. It was awesome. I wanted to do this and I wanted to show you one last time. It's on me. You don't have to pay for a dime. You don't fucking come. I never let you touch your wallet. That would be, if all the ways for your friend to kill themselves, that's got to be the best way. He treats you to one last hurrah together. I mean, I've never thought about this before. I mean, I've thought about killing myself a lot, but I've never thought of a way to make it really interesting. Yeah.

We'll do something a little different for this. Just a little twist on it. Everyone, look, we've all, pills, slicing your fucking arteries in a bathtub. It's hack at this point. Do you think that your friends are going to be like, my friend's committed suicide, but that steak we had last night. I honestly would hope so. I never would have bought that for myself. Yes.

Literally, I kind of think yes, they would. Because a suicide is so sad, right? Yes. But if you pair it with a fun vacation. Pair it with a good red wine. A good red wine, a Wagyu ribeye. Who's mad at that? At that point, it kind of brings you back to zero is what I'm saying. You have to have as fun a time for free.

As a suicide is sad. So that your friend... Because you don't want your friends being sad. You want to bring them down to zero. Really? That's where you and I differ. I want my friends to be fucking... If I die, I want my friends to be devastated. I want no laughing at the funeral. Just pure crying. That's great. Well, then what you should do is the opposite, which is like... Let's say your friend is having a tough time paying his mortgage. You should be like...

Tomorrow, we're going to the bank and I'm paying the house off for you, pal. And then you kill yourself that night. So now he's double sad because now you're gone and you were his ticket to financial freedom. Wow. Where's his house, though? It depends on whether I can... Well, you're not paying for it. You're dead. Oh, I see. Oh, you like to lie to him? That's what I'm saying. You want your friends devastated, so you make them promises...

Instead of taking them out to a good time. So then it's like, Todd was such a good guy. You'd probably have to make it look like an accident or else they'd think, wow, Todd's a piece of shit. He knew. That would actually be a pretty good prank, though, to go out and be like, all your problems are solved, buddy. All I need to do is sign this one paper. Right. Or that would be great. Time it so that the pills kick in as you're signing at Wells Fargo and you're like, oh.

We got some good ideas here, Eldest. Maybe I will do that to you when I kill myself. So you're proposing having an awesome, unforgettable weekend. Yes. And also doing a very cruel prank. Two different things, Eldest. On the same night. Todd said he wants his friends devastated. Okay, okay, gotcha. I'm saying I would have the party. Todd, I'm trying to figure out a way for him to make his friends double sad. They've lost him and...

this, you know, plan he was going to do. But I wouldn't want this like an anger LMS guy. Because then it'd be like... You'd have to hire a guy to kill you then. It would tarnish the... Then how about this, Todd? The sadness. You hire a guy to kill you. That way it's so tragic.

And then that guy would probably have to kill himself. You'd also want it to probably be a white guy. You don't want it that I'm thinking about socioeconomic issues in America that led a black guy to, you know, crime. Just a lot. There's a lot of, you'd have to find somebody that, make it cut and dry. Maybe a hit man. Well, I'm going to stay alive while I'm thinking about this. Yeah, yeah. You got a couple years to figure it out. You gave me a lot of options. A lot of ways we can go with this.

I'm going to choose life. Choose life for now, my friend. Oh, fuck. The other thing, I wanted to ask you a couple things because I was watching the special and you don't want to ask people about actual jokes because that's, you know, go watch the thing. But there's little, in the setups, there's always things I like to ask people.

Because you can glean things about people just about that stuff. So it's funny to me that you said you played French horn in middle school. Yeah. Which is funny for a couple reasons, but number one, it's like...

Thinking of you as a child is hilarious to me. You feel like the kind of person who just spawned this, you know what I mean? That's been like approximately this guy in my consciousness. You know what I mean? You've kind of always been sort of this guy. Well, you didn't know me. You weren't alive when I was a boy. That's true. That's true. Which you're subtly bringing up. No, no, no, no. I just mean, what were you, like a low energy seven-year-old? You know what I mean? I probably was a little bit.

Awkward little weirdo. Where'd you grow up? Where'd you grow up? What's boy Todd like? I was born in New York, and I lived here until I was five in the Bronx. Oh, shit. Then I moved upstate until I was eight. Then my dad's company got, the entire company moved to Florida. Oh, wow. So I lived in South Florida for 15 years, but part of the time was in north central Florida in Gainesville, University of Florida. Oh, there you go. And then I moved back here in 89. A gator. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah.

I didn't like the other day someone told me oh the World Series is today like I had no idea yeah yeah yeah that's how much of an artist I am yeah wow dude well baseball sucks dick though too that's the other thing it's the Diamondbacks versus the Rangers who gives a shit fuck Arizona and Texas I don't know I think Dallas is the Rangers right Houston is you don't know what the fuck am I asking you two you guys aren't sports guys

Interesting. Did you have to play the French horn? Was that mandatory? No, I wasn't. You wanted to play, you wanted to be a musician? I just, you know, I've played a number. The instrument that I got best at was drums, but still not good. Like as far as, a lot of comic drummers, I think I'm the worst of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just thought the French horn looked so cool. Interesting. But it's like. Is that the one with like the swirls and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a beautiful instrument. And it's just one of those things where you're like,

Oh, you do have to practice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't get to just rip on it. It's not just carrying it around. I play the French horn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, I guess at some point I bailed on it. I bailed on piano lessons. I bailed on... I played the clarinet for a few minutes, trumpet. Wow. But all for... You were going through... I don't know. Yeah, I don't remember, like...

I feel like I did each of these for like three weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drove your parents fucking crazy. Yeah. Because you're making the worst racket of all time. Like a bad... My son's a bad trumpet player. Yeah. You played something. What did you play? I actually played French horn in middle school too. Oh, two French horn brothers. Too bad we can't like talk shop about that. Yeah.

Talk reads. Which brand? Go crazy. Which brand did you have? I don't know the brands. I played like flute for a year in fifth grade. Then I switched to French horn for middle school. Wow, this fucking guy. We went to the same Baltimore City elementary school until fourth grade. And then he goes to the county where they all of a sudden have instruments. We didn't have a fucking instrument to speak of in Baltimore City. But you go start playing the fucking flute. Yeah, I should have stuck with the flute. The French horn is pretty hard.

I think it's like a lot harder than the trumpet or like other brass instruments because the mouthpiece is so small. That's what I remember. Yeah, that's why I quit. Yeah, yeah. A little mouthpiece was the bane of your existence. I remember bringing that on the school bus. Right. Oh, this fucking thing weighs too much. Yeah, man. And I would feel like it would mark you as a nerd. No disrespect to both of you. But I would, anytime I saw a kid with like a big ass like instrument, I'd be like, dork.

Do you know what I mean? Because it's so Ruth Child Children are so ruthless You're like alright Yeah they are I got this over this fucking loser Cause it's just It's all Everyone's trying to survive So it's like alright If I get into a If I get into an altercation With this guy I make fun of him For lugging around His fucking oboe Or whatever the fuck He's doing I couldn't do band at all I tried When I was like 14 To do the classic like

you know, the classic white boy move of trying to learn the guitar. I tried to like, you know, I went to Greece one summer and I found my cousin's Led Zeppelin CDs and Black Sabbath and I was like...

This is my fucking personality now, and I'm going to try, but I have much too fat fingers. Man, I wish I had learned, picked up a guitar when I was younger. Yeah, dude. All this comedy could be out the window. You're a fucking rock star. You tried every fucking instrument. You didn't even think of guitar? For some reason, I was never drawn to guitar, but now looking back, I was like...

Man, I really do wish I would have taken up guitar. That's the one, dude. Yeah, because I just feel like you get a career like that, you can be funny, you can be serious, you can make people cry, make people laugh. By the way, as long as you get the instrument, you don't have to actually be funny, right? You have to be funny for a guitarist. You know what I mean? I took a little stab at it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, everyone sucks John Mayer off because he'll go to the cellar and riff a little bit.

It's the bar is low. You just have to not embarrass yourself. You're a fucking piece of ass who's awesome at guitar. Everyone's going to laugh at you.

So that's, yeah, I mean, music really is, that's the one. Because it's also primal, I feel like. On some level, it's like, yes, have we gotten pussy we don't deserve due to comedy? Of course. But when you're playing the guitar, you can be like a shitty guitar player at a bar and get female attention that way. You cannot be bombing at an open mic with the TVs on and have a girl be like, I want the guy who bombed. Yeah, yeah.

But you can be a guy just barely making it through a Kiss song at like a sports bar and they're like, yes. And then you get ahead in your fucking, in your mom's car that you drove to the gig there. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, I don't know. So you never stuck with it, huh? Did you do any? Well, I was in bands as a drummer for a while. Oh, you were? Okay. I mean, I even recorded and stuff. Oh, hell yeah. As a youth. Yeah, I was in the 20s. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah.

Back here or in Florida? In Florida, yeah. But now occasionally, like, you know this man Yola Tango by any chance? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I play with them sometimes. Oh, that's sick, dude. Like, I'll open for them during these shows at Bowery Ballroom they do. That's so awesome. And then I'll play in the encore. Hell yeah. Oh, dude, I would go crazy if I'm just a comedy fan and a Yola Tango fan and I see you picking the sticks up. I know.

be losing my shit it's the best way to do it because it's just like oh that's the comedian playing isn't it yeah yeah yeah but yeah i mean but i watch drummers and i just look oh my god it's like anti-inspirational it's like like i i don't know what's going on there man fucking unbelievable just like no way could i do that i'm not even close so so what was the what were the band what style are we talking what are we kind of garagey jangly fuck yeah

Do you remember the band names? Oh, yeah. I was like, yeah, I'm not that old. Hit us with it. The biggest band I was in was called The Chant. The Chant. Yeah, it was a record you could find someplace. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. We might have to leave. And that was the band called Die Trying in college and Cuttlefish. Cuttlefish. These are some good names. I just think those are the three bands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sick, though. And you had rock... So you had rock star aspirations. I did, yeah. I did, and I was like, I kind of wanted to do it, yeah, but I just...

You know, I didn't practice much. It's the getting good part that I... I love that, dude. Can I gloss over the getting good part?

You took it pretty far with not being good. Yeah. To be in three bands, have a record. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And in college too, that's the time to do it. Because it's like, you know what I mean? It's like everybody's kind of like... Where'd you go to college? I went to UMBC, University of Maryland, Baltimore County. One of the lowest level schools in the University of Maryland system. It was actually really good academically, but one of the lamest fucking places you could go. Like fun wise? Oh, yeah.

Oh, horrible. What did you major in? I majored in political science and media studies, and I dropped out with six credits left. Really? Yeah. I didn't technically drop out. They let me walk. I think I've told the story in the podcast before. But I just was already doing comedy, and in my head, I was like, ah.

I don't want to go back to summer, take summer classes. They let me walk. So you don't have a degree. I do not have a degree, yeah. Ugh, I gotta go. I'm a dropout. I'm an uneducated dropout. See you later, man. Where'd you go? I went to University of Florida, English degree. But I remember, like, I had a degree. I'm sure it was very rigorous in Gainesville. Actually, University of Florida is a good school. Really? Yeah, it is a good school. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. And the English department's good. Point rescinded. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. You felt so strongly about... No, but it was a good school. I guess I think if every southern football school is like...

no one learns anything they all go to the game no that's well I mean for everyone who's a football player there's a lot of people who aren't football players yeah yeah yeah but I mean it was everything there was like you know hippies punks yeah yeah right wingers left wingers and so it's kind of it's a yeah it wasn't just sure like you could have avoid the whole fraternity yeah yeah yeah it wasn't like Alabama for example or something like University of Alabama yeah I mean which is like such a football place yeah I mean it was there are definitely people who are way into it more than I am and that's like

I see guys like something about sports. Like I've seen people like in line for TSA and like somehow they get in a conversation about this, about some football games and they're like 50 feet from each other. And,

And they don't know each other. I don't even know how to speak football. But they'll name the coach. Of course. Okay, guys. It is one of the greatest social lubricants there are, though. It's like, in terms of small talk, if you know just a little about football, no elevator in America is horrible. You know what I mean? I'll be at the table at the cellar sometimes, and suddenly it's like,

subject changes to football and like everyone knows about it except me and I'm just like...

I'll see you guys in a half hour maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah. No, you have comics that are football comics. There's a big basketball community. Me and Sam Rowe had a basketball podcast for a while. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I want him to take me to one of, like, I'd love to sit courtside. I've never watched a basketball game in my life. Oh, dude, it's great. Seems like it'd be a blast. That's the one that you got to go to in person. It's like a basketball game is so sick.

You want a Halls? You want a fresh Halls, my man? Can you cut out some of these cots? Yeah, whatever you want. Eldest? Oh, come on, man. You had to throw him a heater? That man just told you he doesn't like sports. Todd, can you lower your mic a little bit? Lower it? Yeah. Are we blocking him? Like the long arm. Okay. You're good. I'm afraid to start eating this. No, no, no. Go crazy. All right.

What the fuck is it? We've eaten pizza on here before. Really? Right into the mics. Yeah. It doesn't fucking matter. Get that hole, yeah. Get that holes in there. Okay. Hell yeah, dude. Nice. And then from fucking... And then you eventually just gave up on your music dreams and you were like, let's start doing some mics. Yeah, I used to. I was very always a comedy fan. And even when I was in bands, I would like take the mic and start... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing banter between songs. Yes, yes, yes. But...

Yeah, and when I started doing comedy, it was in 87. Tomorrow's my 36th year anniversary. Holy shit. There we go. Give him the applause, Elvis. It's not coming through, dickhead. You motherfucker. I wanted some applause to make our guests feel celebrated. That was huge. That was great, wasn't it? I made all 36 years worth it.

That's fucking sick, dude. Did you ever think... Because you've also... You've ended up... My favorite thing... Because, you know, I've watched... I mean...

There's a couple, two questions I want to ask. One is about the, do you ever feel responsible for the deluge of crowd work that's happened because you were the first guy I ever saw to do a crowd work special? Because I watched it. I remember watching it and being like, this is awesome. One day I want to do one of these. I kind of weirdly, in an egotistical way, I'm wondering why people don't bring it up more. Yeah. It's like, hey, grandpa did this in 2014. Yeah.

No, I love that special. I remember watching and being like, whoa, this is sick. You know, one day I want to do one of these. And then who knew that it would be like, we kind of did it by accident. And now I like, I almost cut out all the crowd work in my special because I just wanted to get away from that. Totally. But now I'm on tour with a half crowd work, half jokes tour. Nice. But yeah, I did. I was a real maverick. Is that right? Yeah.

Yeah. I think maybe he found one person who did a crowd work special before me, but I mean, definitely other comics were crowd work. Totally, totally. But you did do like the first dedicated and it was like not an, you really, and it was interesting the way it happened because it was like,

between, I was kind of like on a tour and it was like a little bit of- Yeah, seven cities. Seven cities and it was like a little bit of flavor of each city. It was really well done. Yeah, I do. And it was kind of, I mean, we basically have ripped that off with my crowd. We do a crowd work special on the road. We did one in New York where we did one week in New York and it was like,

It was like, you know, over eight different shows and it was each different venue and we were kind of like, yeah, we should do it like Todd's. So, you know, thank you. Thanks for letting us rip that off. Right to my face. Yeah. Stealing it. What is it? Stealing is the most sincere form of flattery or whatever the fuck? Imitation. Imitation. I don't think... I don't think it's... That's a little more poetic than stealing. Stealing.

Yeah, yeah, imitation, whatever, you get it.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, so thanks for that. And then the other thing I was wondering is, like, did you ever, like, did you have aspirations to act? Because I remember seeing you on the... That was another cool thing when you popped up on The Wrestler. Because I was, you know, I was such a big... I was really looking forward to that movie. Did we see that in theaters together? I think we did. I think we did, too. Because...

I was a huge Aronofsky fan. I was a big, like, the Mickey Rourke buzz. Yeah, I love Mickey Rourke. Everything was like, you know, I was like, whoa, this movie's going to be sick. And it was awesome. But then to also be a comedy fan and to see you pop up there, I was like, whoa, what the, this is fucking, and you were, I mean, it was great casting and you were great in it. And then wasn't, wasn't Judah Friedland? Judah had a little part in it as well. It was a cool, it was a very cool, like, holy shit. Yeah, there weren't actually a lot of people in that movie, really. There really weren't, no. Yeah.

And you, I mean, you guys were both great because you both kind of, they... I was great. Judah was, I'm joking. Well, Judah's was funny too because it was almost like he was playing like

what this character on 30 Rock would actually be like. Was, like, kind of like a fucking dead-eyed wrestling fan that looks like shit. You know, like, they kind of spruced him up in 30 Rock to be funny. But you're like, that guy in real life is at a fucking VFW just fucking being strange at a wrestling... at a shitty wrestling show. But, yeah, that must have been... Were they just, like...

They were like, oh yeah, this guy would be perfect for this role. I somehow knew Darren. Cool. We were friendly and emailed each other. I don't even remember how that started, weirdly. And then I... You were friends with Joe Jonas? I was in this restaurant in the East Village and I walked in to eat by myself. Yeah.

And he was sitting with some people who looked like they were in a meeting. So I just said, hey, how's it going? Yeah. And I didn't go up to the table. And then I sat there and he walked by me and goes, I might have something for you. Whoa. And I was like, pardon the movie? And then he made this gesture of like sweeping up, like he's going to give me a janitorial job or something. Hilarious. Yeah, yeah. So then it's like a few weeks passed.

and if you've listened to a lot of my podcast appearances I've told the story a lot okay but you know it bears repeating for the fresh for Stavi's world um I don't think I have people who are like I've heard that I've watched heard you on 10 different podcasts yeah one just listen to this one so then like a few weeks later I was like I'm trying to play it cool man I shouldn't be like that thing you mentioned yeah

But then I did. I was just like, hey man, I was just checking in. You mentioned something. Then he goes, do you want to do this part? And he sent me the script. And then I said, yeah. And then he, for some reason, he didn't get the message that I wanted to do. He goes, do you want to do it? I go, yeah, I definitely want to do it. And then I found out that I had to audition for like the,

I guess. So I went to the casting place and it was just Darren and the producer. And I read through it once. I think I read through it half, like a few sentences the second time. He goes, see you on set. That's awesome. I mean, it's not a story that...

I have told a lot. I mean, I've told that story a lot, but it's not typical is what I mean. Yeah, yeah, totally. That's awesome, though, because he clearly wanted you. Yeah, and I guess I was doing it for the money guy, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys don't know what the fuck they're talking about. So he was like, look, just... He was like, look, the money guy's like, well, I've never seen him. Yeah, and it could be that. I don't know. I don't know exactly what happened, but I do know.

It wasn't those things where I'd have to go home and wait. Do I wait a week to see if they're good? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just like right there. Hell yeah. That's awesome. So you should... It sounds like you need to be eating alone more to get more parts. Oh, man. If eating alone got me more acting, I would have... I would be like... I wouldn't have time to do this show. Daniel Day-Lewis...

Yeah, that's fucking sick, dude. And then did you ever hang around on the days Marissa Tomei was coming in? No. She was out of control in that movie. But she came into the cellar not too long ago and sat at the table. She's really nice. I'd met her a few times on the film festival circuit. I don't know if you've had other guests who went to the Venice Film Festival. No, no, no, no, no. I have not. I did go.

But no, I didn't have any scenes with her. Yeah, you were a completely different person. And I barely talked to Mickey Rourke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still. Yeah. I would have been like, oh, I think I left my sweat. Oh, is this the day that Marissa's tits come out? I actually left my hat here. I'm coming to just find my hat. They're like, what are you talking about? Your scene was filmed at a completely different place.

I left it with one of the craft services guys. He might have brought it. Anyway, I'm just going to hang out for the scene where her tits come out, if that's okay with you guys. She was so hot in that movie. Jeez, Todd, that voice of yours, that throat doesn't sound so good.

Sounds like it's kind of irritated. And if those cough drops aren't helping, you probably wouldn't be able to enjoy smoking your favorite cannabis out of a regular pipe or a joint or something like that. In fact, it sounds like what you might need to do is enjoy icy smooth clouds and big savings this holiday season from our friends at Freeze Pipe.

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Ah, the freeze pipe feels fucking awesome. And I have asthma, so the fact that I only cough twice, that's a big... Three times, that's a big win for the fucking freeze pipe. How does it feel to smoke? God, I'm fucking awesome, Todd.

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That's ReeseBipe.com and Coach Dobby for 10% off. Pretty cool, huh, Todd? Let me put this down now. But anyway, I think, what do you think, Ellis? You think it's time for us to help our friends here with some wisdom here? We got Todd, drummer, actor. Oh, God. What can't he do? What can't he do? Florida, former Florida resident. He's a triple threat, folks. He's got wisdom. That's everything you're looking for in a human being. Yeah.

Friends with Joe, good friends with Joe Jonas, enemy of Sophie Turner. He's got it all. So why don't we take some questions and solve some problems here. I'll just play us a call here, pal. Nice, dickhead. Wow. You really fucking prepared for this one. You didn't give it a shot? Didn't think maybe I should have it downloaded ahead of time? It literally worked before. Okay. Okay, here.

Well now when the show is happening, it's not working Oh cool now the backup one isn't working either Hey, and whatever beautiful guests are sitting on the couch and that beautiful Albanian bastard as well I'm calling in because I have a friend and

And for God's sake, I'm in high school. I have a friend. And he always is joking about wanting to kill himself. Like, it's obviously a joke because, like, he's a funny guy. Like, we're all, like, cracking jokes all the time. But it's just a little too much because it's like you can make, like, maybe one joke about wanting to kill yourself, like, once a day maybe. But, like, when it's, like, three or four, a conversation, it's bad.

So I just, like, I don't know how to approach him about this. Because, like, every time I do, I've approached him. I'm like, hey, man, are you all right? He's like, I don't actually want to kill myself. I'm just making jokes. Like, I'm just trying to be funny. And it's like, okay, okay. But it's like it just keeps happening. And in the past, he's opened up to me about, like, actually genuinely considering suicide. That was a while ago. Yeah. So I'm not, like, worried about it anymore. But the jokes have been ramping up again recently. So I just...

I just want to know, you know, maybe you've had a friend like this before or, like, you know, I just need some advice on how I should approach him about this, maybe how I can get a look into his mind, maybe get him to go to therapy or something. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, that's it. Thanks for listening to me. Bye-bye. Yeah, what do you got, Todd? I think that, I mean, that sounds unbearable to have to deal with that. Because it's like, especially three times a day.

Like, why hang out with this person this much? But I also think like, it's a fucking serious thing. And like, they do say people joke about it before they do. And he has actually thought about doing it. I think you just got to say, hey, I know you're joking or I hope you're joking, but I'm going to always take this seriously. So I'm going to act accordingly. And you're going to get

You're going to get a wellness check if you keep fucking talking. I don't know. I don't know the guy, whether he would respond to that. I would probably get a gun with one bullet in it and spin it and say, do it. Do it then, motherfucker. I'm tired of hearing about this. And look, if it hits, it's Russian roulette. One out of six chance he's not going to kill himself. But you've made your point that the jokes are annoying to you. So that's kind of two schools of thought on how to deal with this thing.

No, I remember this, though, because, I mean, I feel like this kid, because this kid's in high school, too, right? This feels like us in high school, Eldest, doesn't it? Didn't we talk about killing ourselves constantly? And, you know, and this is going to sound funny, but the reason was because we did not get any pussy whatsoever.

And there's probably more to it than that, I know. But, like, what else is going on in your friend's life? Because we were just depressed high schoolers who did not... were not getting pussy. And we were constantly talking about killing ourselves. Because, also, here's the other thing. We were... we were not, you know... We weren't, um...

We weren't satisfied probably in any parts of our lives, right? Like, you know, our family situations were fucked up and we didn't know it at the time. You know, you go to therapy and you realize what's bumming you out and it's like, oh yeah, I'm my family. I'm trapped with my family. And...

I think your advice is really solid where it's like, hey man, this seems to be ramping up again. What's going on? It's too much, man. At best, it's too much of the same topic. Totally, yes. It triggers me. I hate to use the word triggers. But it triggers me to fucking go... Because I'm going to go home going...

Am I supposed to act on this? Yeah. Or am I supposed to go, hey, he was joking, and then he kills himself, and I'm like, oh, I get... Right. So you got to think of it from my perspective. Right, right, right. I know you're in possibly unbearable pain right now, but you are being annoying. Or talk to me, yeah, or let's be... Tell me what's on your mind. No, I think so. I think that's true, because, you know, he said in the past he's opened up to him for real, and I think he's probably... This is his way. Here's the thing. High school kids are not...

Talking about your emotions, clear communication is not a strength of a 16-year-old or 17-year-old. So yes, the same way he's timid about the rest of his life, he's probably timid about this. And so...

You know, is there resources? Like, is there a school counselor? Is there somebody, like, is there mental health stuff you can help him with? And then also, try and get him to open up to you. You know, talk to him about it. Like Todd said, like, hey man, I just, I'm trying, I want to take this seriously because it feels like this is ramping up and it reminds me of the time that you, you know, you opened up to me. So what's up? Let's talk about this. And then like, if he's depressed, you know,

you know, you're his boy. Can you guys go have some, can you have some fun stuff? You know what I mean? Like, can you like just go? Because the thing, the thing that would, that would make me the most depressed when I was younger was feeling like nothing was ever going to change, that I was kind of trapped in these kinds of cycles. And there's also, high school is also a pretty hopeful time too, or the end of it anyway, right? So it's like, try and get his head in the game of like, hey man, I know this, even if there's stuff that sucks,

We're close to college. We're getting we're going to be out of the house soon. Like, let's make a plan for that. Like, make plans for the future. Go out to some parties. I was being facetious, but also try and get him a little pussy. Be a little more be a little more social in general, like seeing progress in your life.

especially at that age, makes you feel really good, makes you feel like there's something to, you know, to kind of live for, whatever. But yeah, I think you're right to just kind of check in on him in a real way, one-on-one. That's happened to me before. I've had people in my life who they don't want to open up and say it, but sometimes if you just...

sit them down one-on-one or call them one-on-one and have the conversation, you'd be surprised how people will open up to you. And also he did say that he really meant it a few times. Yeah, exactly. In the past. It's like, it's putting this guy in a really bad position. Yeah, yeah. So that's, you know, you're a good friend, you're a good bro. Yeah, he does seem like a good friend. And so just actually, you know, actually talk to him about this and then like,

you know, make some plans for the future and help him out. Suicidal. So what do you do? You call a podcast. One of the 8,000 calls. Yes. No. Yeah. This guy does seem like he, he sincerely cares about it for sure. And luckily this will be a free episode. So hopefully you hear this. It's not good enough charge for me. We'll put you on page round. Where's my careful what you wish for. Um, so yeah, good luck, buddy. Um,

We were rooting for you and your friend. And trust me, if it makes him feel any better, we were depressed. Me and Eldest were very depressed losers in high school once. And look at us now, running a kind of successful podcast. Also, on the whole, I mean, you should take it seriously. But, yeah, I do feel like in high school, you do make a lot of suicide jokes, kind of more of an edgelord in general. But the fact that he's, like, actually told him he thought about it is a little... Yeah, but didn't we...

kind to think about it too. You know what I mean? Like, I don't mean to like be flippant for real, but it's like, I do think this is a little more like obviously take it seriously, but I do think it is kind of common when you're very unsatisfied. I once, um, I once called the suicide hotline cause I just happened to glance at a

One of my, seriously, one of my followers on Twitter who put suicidal in their bio. Jesus Christ. And it just tears, that's why I'm feeling for this guy, because it's like, it tears your guilt thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I call it, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but this dude said he's suicidal. I don't know him. I don't know if he's joking. I have no idea if it's a real, you know, but...

I'd feel like I'd have to at least call someone. They're like, there's nothing we can do. But then there was like... Are his tweets any good? But there was a link actually where if someone is talking about self-harm, you can click. At least there was. So that was heroic of me. Yeah, dude. Well, fuck it. We got to hear it. Yeah, give him another one. 36 years and also he called the suicide hotline one time and they didn't do anything to help the person. All right. Well, good luck, buddy. We feel for you. And again...

It gets better for, you know, it's not just true of closeted gay people. It's also true of, like, losers in high school. It gets better, baby. Here's with another one, Eld. Hey, Stav. So I've been in a relationship for five years. It's going great. I love my boyfriend. Nice. So there's this guy at work, um...

Pretty much, I work in a grocery store. I'm a manager of a department, and he is the pharmacist inside the grocery store. You know, we were friendly at first, but recently, he keeps, like, coming over, inviting me to, like, his DJing events at his condo, which I've kind of been like, oh, sorry, like, I have plans, you know, just trying to be nice because I see him every day. But now, like...

What the fuck? What the fuck?

Oh, like, no, like, that's not necessary. Like, I'm a simple gal. Like, I'm okay with a sub. Like, as long as it's, like, catering for an event. That's a mistake. Why does it matter what I want? Pause this on me. And, like, I don't know. She said she's good with a sub. That's a weird way to approach this. But anyway, play the whole thing. I see where this is going. First of all, who the fuck is this guy? He's a pharmacist. Pharmacist is a good job. What the fuck are you doing being a DJ on the side? What a fucking weird loser.

And then he's got a... But it's also not that good a job where you have a private chef. That's stuck out. That's... Like he hired a guy for an hour. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, we can have fun at the DJing event. This is... And she's in a five-year relationship. There's like... Yeah. There is red flag after red... Like even if you weren't in a relationship, this guy sounds like a fucking loser. He sounds bad. Horrible, horrible. Everything you're saying is atrocious. But anyway, finish the call, Elders. Okay.

As long as it's like catering for an event, like why does it matter what I want? And like, I don't know, like I'm just getting creeped out from him. He's like 20 years older than me. And it's just like, I don't know. Like I've already told him like, no, I'm busy and share, but like he just won't stop. So like I'm considering, um,

I don't know. I don't know what to do. Like, he's obviously trying to wife me, and I'm not okay with that. Like, what the fuck? I told my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend's like, can I beat his ass? I'm like, no. I need my job. So, like, should I go to HR? Because he hasn't said anything out of line, but he is being, like, kind of weird. So, yeah. Thanks, Dom. I think for...

Yeah, he sounds like a nightmare. Truly a piece of shit. But I just feel like you've just got to put it on a firm boundary. Just say boyfriend every sentence you can say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a boyfriend. I'm going to hang out with my boyfriend. Yeah, and it's also like there is a little bit of she's like, oh, I don't need all that. I'm a simple... Yeah, that's unnecessary to bring it up. Exactly. It's the kind of thing where it's like it does feel a little bit of how women are socialized to be much nicer than they should be because this guy is...

steamrolling through all your social cues, all your boundaries, everything. And so you shouldn't feel... And you hear like the little tinge of guilt even in her voice. Yeah. Which you shouldn't like... He's wearing her down. Exactly. Exactly. And it's like you shouldn't feel this way. This guy is... You should be like...

I mean, you know, don't... You... It's not... It's fucked up because he's put you in a position where if you're not the kind of person to have a firm boundary, like, it's fucked up for a stranger to make you kind of work on something. But it's like, you do kind of have to be like, yeah, the boyfriend thing or just like, hey...

I'm really, you know, I'm just not interested in... I'd prefer if we could keep our conversations professional. Yeah. And, like, just set that up and then note it. And then, yes, I do think ultimately...

Going to HR is not off the table here at all. No, I don't... I mean, I just think with HR, I think he deserves for her to go to HR. Yeah, yeah, fully. But then she might worry, like, oh, is he going to retaliate? Right. Because if he loses a job and he's already not the best person... Yeah. Now he's broke and... Yeah. I don't... Yeah, I mean, I think just...

hitting the boundary hard and avoiding that guy's like why do they have to why does she have to talk to the pharmacist I know he's in a completely different part of the grocery store I would think yeah because I don't understand like the whole thing of like oh I'm simple gals like that's not it's not about that yeah this guy inviting you exactly or anything you don't need to engage him in terms of like you're just like I'm not really into that I'd rather not what did he like I wonder if he invited the boyfriend to like

I don't think so. I don't know. If it's something like, I'm having people over, then that's one thing, but this doesn't sound like it. But also, can you imagine something worse than a coworker who's not, let's say a coworker, not trying to fuck you, inviting you over to his DJ event in his condo?

I assume that's like the, you know, the shared space in a condo. It's like, what the fuck? What is it? Were we in college that we're going to come over at the basement of the dorm and somebody DJs and there's a hibachi chef? Yeah.

First of all, where's this guy living? Like, this sounds like he lives in like a halfway home for divorced men. I've never heard of a more divorced setup than, hey, we're going to DJ. I'm a 45 year old, 50 year old pharmacist. And I'm going to DJ. My friend's going to DJ while we rent a hibachi chef. And we're all going to try and fuck our 20 years younger than us coworkers. If you go there, what you're going to see is, is like,

12 men who just got on testosterone. There's also a chance she'd show up and be the only person there. Oh yeah, for sure. It could be a whole trap. No, it's a horrible thing and you just have to be like, unfortunately he's made you with his conduct. You have to just be like,

I'm not interested. Right. I have plans. I'm hanging out with my boyfriend that day. Yeah, anything he asks you, are you available Thursday? Hanging out with my boyfriend. Yeah. How about Friday? Also hanging out with my boyfriend. Getting dinner with my boyfriend's parents on Friday. Saturday. And mix it up. Now I've got something I've got to do on Saturday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you don't constantly bring up the boyfriend. But, yeah, it's just weird. Like, also, why is he...

He must know she has a boyfriend, and he's still... Yeah, dirty macking. I mean... He thinks he's got it like that. I'd like to see her go to HR, but I also think that... Yeah. That could be complicated. Yeah, I think you're... I think that's probably... You know, you're probably one step... You're probably like...

there's more steps before that, but that should definitely be on the table. There's like, be like, no thanks. And then try and phase him out. But don't feel the need to ever engage with this guy. Don't feel the need to ever explain yourself. Yeah. I'd avoid him. You just physically, literally avoid him as much as you can. Yeah. Yeah. And, and then yeah, keep it in your back pocket, but you're right. It is like, you never, you want to hopefully be able to,

resolve these things in a perfect world yes you go to HR and you're like this guy's fucking weird but he sounds like kind of a creep

Uh, he, he might, you know, he might be incel adjacent. He might, he sounds like an older incel, which is a tough type of incel to be, or maybe he's getting, you know, maybe, maybe there are, you know, dumb bitches that want to go to the condo, but make it clear. You're not one of those dumb bitches. Um, but yeah, sorry. That's a, this guy is kind of putting you in a fucked up position, but.

Yeah, I would say firm boundary and then keep HR in your back pocket. And then your boyfriend doesn't have to beat his ass, but there's nothing wrong with your boyfriend picking you up from work one day. You know what I mean? Unless you think your boyfriend's not going to be able to control himself and then beat this guy's ass. That would be hilarious to beat him up in the fucking deli meat section, just stuffing fucking salsa lido turkey in his fucking nostrils and fucking him up. That's a fun place for a fight.

The Wrestler. That's true. That could be a scene right in there. Good job, Eldest. They did have physical altercations in The Wrestler. What a callback. Did you guys know I was in that movie? I was in that movie. Oh, he worked in the deli. Oh, yeah. My bad. You got me. It's not that big. You got me. I was trying to remember. There's a different movie where there is a fight in a grocery store, and I couldn't remember. I can't remember which one. Yeah.

Just fucking... Alright, whatever. You did it. Alright, play us another one there. You're right, he did work in the deli. That's on me, folks. Hey, Stavi. Hey, Aldis. Love the podcast. I have a problem that I think you're going to really enjoy, and that is that I was banging my roommate. I'm 32, she's 27. Okay. We were complete strangers when we moved in together in May of last year. Pause this. I was blown away at how attractive this... Listen to the glee in this fucking guy's voice.

Hey guys, you can hear his teeth smile. You can hear his lips curled up in a smile. This guy's looking like the fucking, the Joker right now. Hello guys. I fucked my roommate. Anyway, keep going.

She doesn't want kids, man. This is so fucking funny. You're fucking your roommate and that comes up? Although I don't want to...

Just in case, this guy also could be on the spectrum. I am getting a little bit of that vibe from him as well, so I don't want to be ableist here. But anyway, keep going. But after five months of living together, we go out for a Halloween weekend. She was Tasha Browse, which is like some anime character, and I was Forrest Gump while he was running.

Pause it again. Wow, that's a real specific Forrest Gump. Yeah, he's not just Forrest Gump. He's running Gump. And, I mean, yeah, okay. Was Forrest Gump when he was eating ice cream? Yeah. I was when he was contracting AIDS from Jenny.

Okay, now maybe he is autistic. With each detail, I'm like, okay, this guy might be autistic. There's not a more on-the-spectrum hero than Forrest Gump. Anyway, keep going. The next time we saw each other about a week later, we went to my room and we banged, which was pretty neat. I know Stabby's World is a pro-pussy-eating podcast, and I'm very happy to report that you'd be very proud of me.

And after the initial banging, we ended up spending every night together where we were banging all the time. And I'm pretty confident I was laying at least all right pipe. But after a couple weeks of doing this in December, I asked you for exclusive, and not because I had feelings for her, but because I want to rob that pussy. Oh, my God. And she says she doesn't bang anyone else, and I believe her, because we're spending every night together. What are you saying? But after that conversation, we never banged. She said she wasn't banging anyone else, and I believe her, because we're spending every night together. Oh, by the way.

Beautiful way for her to slither out of that one. You want to be exclusive? Well, I'm not fucking anybody else. She didn't say yes, pal. She said she wasn't fucking anyone at that time. She just fucking got your ass. But anyway, keep going. Again. She starts avoiding me, and after a week, I just straight up ask her if we're still a thing. She says no, and that's fine. It's never, like, been super awkward or anything. We're mature about it. But fast forward to today, ten months later, and I'm a little bit of a dry spell.

I'm an alright looking dude and can usually get laid, but not recently. I've only been laid a couple of times since her. So my question for you is, how do I bang my roommate again? Help me, sobby baby. You're my only hope. Alright, thank you. Alright, so I want to take back the stuff I said because this guy is without question 100% autistic. He's like, it's not awkward. We're very adult about it.

100% it's awkward. 100% she just changed her mind and you're missing a social cue or two. And to try and fuck her again after she made it pretty clear she doesn't want to and your roommates is insane. I don't understand the whole thing like, well, we were able to avoid each other. Where? Didn't go in the kitchen at the same time? How big is this apartment? Um...

Yeah, I'd say he should have. But these other two women, he said he banged. He banged. He has banged. Two other women since her. Yeah, why not them? Why aren't they the ones? Is he bringing them home to his place when she's in the next room? My guess is yes, because that's, you know. But who knows? I think he probably, if I had to guess...

tried to fuck them again and it was kind of like a you know not gonna happen thing and it looks like look here what he did wrong was he slayed the golden goose he slayed the gold like she probably would have kept fucking you at least a few more times without you but you had to immediately ask to be her boyfriend which is you know and he even said it wasn't because I was excluded it's not because I cared about her it's because I wanted to raw dog which is pretty abhorrent behavior laughter

Will you marry me? I don't want to marry you, but I'd like to raw dog you. I'd love to go in au naturel. He came in way too hot. I feel like he could have worked out a raw dog arrangement. This guy blew it ten ways to Sunday. Also, he probably did just catch feelings, and that's just his...

Little looking back bullshit excuse to himself. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude, this bitch. A little bravado thing there. I don't know, though, dude, because, again, not to be... But...

I think he really was looking... Let's just put it this way. I think he was looking at it from a mathematical equations perspective. So I kind of... I think... Go ahead. No, no, please. I was going to say, I think it's probably best not to be banging your roommate. 100%. That's one of the most... So maybe it's just accept it and move on. Fully for the best. And in fact, the only way I would suggest you fuck your roommate again is if you move out. And then you can try her again. Look, we've all been there.

Everybody's gone through the text message. Everyone's gone through the old people that used to fuck you. Everyone's replied with hard eyes to an Instagram story. By the way, Halloween, one of the top times to get back in there. You see an Instagram story with a hot costume. You're like, you crushed this. And then see where it goes from there. But yeah, dude, this is a bad idea. Just try and get...

When we're pussy starved, we make crazy decisions. And this is one of those. I mean, that could have conceivably ended really badly. And it sounds like she's just, I'm not into this anymore. Exactly. Accept that. Leave her alone.

And be happy that it didn't end in a really ugly way. 100%. Exactly. That's a great point. Someone has to move out 98% of the time this happens. People either start dating for a while...

And even then, at the end of that, they usually have to fucking move out. So you figured out a way where you don't have to get in your apartment. So until you get in your address, don't try and fuck this woman. I don't, I don't try. First of all, it's a high level maneuver.

to pull it off once, and I think you lucked into it, to pull it off twice, unless you're like, oh, the lease is up in two months. But even then, you're being kind of a dickhead. She clearly, you asked her pretty clearly, are we still a thing? She very clearly said no, and you're trying to like,

You're trying to bring it up. Again, it's one thing if you haven't seen the person and you get desperate and you can make up a narrative about how she might want to fuck you, but you've seen this woman every day. You know she doesn't want to fuck you again. Just move on, pal. Keep the dry spell. This is not the solution to the dry spell. This is like being like, I'm really thirsty. Should I try and suck some... Should I suck the water out of some mud? That's what you're trying to do here. Don't do it.

Next question big LD I need your help. How did my husband lose weight? I'm sorry. I can't start again. I can't hear shit elders and put the put the volume up Hey all this I need your help how to grasp my husband to lose weight So he goes been a naturally fit man. He's used to eating whatever the heck Do you have the transcription

Uh, no, I can turn the speaker up a little. Man, how about you do a different question? Yeah, yeah. You're going to get out in front of the fucking speaker, fuck it up for the rest of the podcast we have to do so we can hear about this bitch who's, from what I can tell, trying to get her fat husband a little less fat. What's up, Gabi? What's up, Elders? What's up, the guests? Um, so I'm married. I've been married for a while and my high school ex,

also got married within like a year of me, obviously many years after we dated. And, um, we ran into each other a few times around our hometown, whatever. Just recently he called me drunk and told me that he's still in love with me. Um, but he has four kids and he's married. Do I do anything? Do I tell my husband? Do I tell his wife?

Do I tell anybody? Like, what the fuck was that about? This is a... Whatever. Anyway. Would love some input from some fellas. Kind of, I think he's just a dirtbag, right? Yes. I think he's just a dirtbag, and I proceed accordingly. I think this is a classic. Do not engage. All right, love you guys. Fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don't fucking... Or tell him not interested. Yes. By the way, this is like...

This is like that last guy on steroids. Trying to fuck your old roommate is one thing. Trying to fuck the girl you dated in high school fucking 15 years later and you both have kids and are married is like the most pathetic loser move of all time.

Especially if you call him drunk. Exactly. What are you, still in high school? You can't tell a girl you're trying to fuck? It's like, Jesus, dude, this is truly pathetic behavior. This guy's a fucking loser. Now, our friend here clearly is not interested. And I would say absolutely to do not engage. But I also think I would tell your husband if I was you just on some like...

Just to be very clear, I have no interest in this at all. This is a fucked up weird thing that happened to me. I just wanted to let you know because in case it came up somehow, it's not weird. Like, I think that's fine. I don't think you have to tell his wife. Now we're getting messy. You know, she probably knows her husband is a fucking piece of shit. And he probably, you know, he probably... I'd be curious to know how long...

Like, is he calling more than one? If it's the one phone call and then he sobered up and might be like, what did I do? Yeah, there might be a one. And you could just let it go away. I might allow one phone call grace period. But if he tries to make any kind of... Yeah, I think a second time is a real problem.

But even then, it's like part of me still feels like, like, put yourself in her husband's shoes. Yeah. I'd like to know if some guy called my wife and told her he was in love with her. You're the only, I don't know, you're not married, are you, Todd? No. No, Eldest is the only married man on the thing. If someone, if your girl's high school boyfriend called her drunk and said she was in love with you, you'd want to know, right? Yeah, I'd want to know. I think that, yeah.

If I knew the whole picture and knew that she handled it and said... Of course, I'm not saying... Shut it down, then I guess she wouldn't have to tell me, but it feels good to hear. Probably would feel good to hear this clown is hitting on me. Totally. And I shut him down. Exactly. I think it's actually kind of an opportunity to build trust in your relationship at the expense of this bozo who's trying to get some... Trying to like... Oh, my God. If...

What the last guy was doing was trying to drink water out of mud. This guy is trying to suck moisture out of a turd that's been dried for 10 years. I hate this guy. He's got fucking four kids. He's a piece of shit. I'm glad that I was worried of where that was headed because I thought she'd be like, should I hang out with him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she doesn't. Thank God we have good moral people here in Stavi's world. Our listeners are some of the best people in the world. Let's get another one going, Eldissimo.

Hey, what's up, Bob? Love the podcast. Love your stand-up. Huge fan. So my issue is I have this roommate that I had to kick out because when Rent was due, he ends up giving me $300 instead of $900. And then he tells me this about on the 5th, so it's past the grace period, so I get hit with a late fee. Mm-hmm.

Anyways, yeah, I just tell him, hey, man, you said you were going to give me this, and I got to kick you out. Reasonable. My issue is more of I might see this guy somewhere around town. So? And, you know, he's not answering my phone calls or any of my texts to get any of that money, so he still owes me that money right now. But does he live with you? No. Oh. So I'm asking, do I take the loss, or when I do see him...

Yeah, fuck, dude.

So yeah, just give me your opinion on what you think I should do if I do run into you. I mean, hopefully

Hopefully by the time I run into him, he gets my money. But I highly doubt it. There's no chance he gives you your money. That's cute that you're thinking this. I'm confused. It's like, how did the guy end up leaving the living situation? So basically, our friend who called in, the guy owed him, what did he say, $900? $600. His rent was $900, but he only gave $300. Right. But his rent was $900. The guy pays him three of the nine. Our friend who calls in says, you got to go. The guy leaves apparently. Oh, okay.

But he still owes him $600. So I would... Now, it depends what kind of guy you are, right? Eldest, you were owed money for a long time by a former roommate, weren't you? Yes. And I...

Essentially what I did over the course of like a year, maybe a year and change to this guy was basically like cyber bully him and like text him constantly. After a while, I was like, I need this fucking money back. And I was like hitting him up like every day, like twice a day. I can just like sense that, you know, it must have made him so uncomfortable every time he looked at his phone. That's awesome. He did eventually pay up, but it was like, it was a lot of work.

And that was like so sticking to it. How much money was this? Probably like 800 bucks. Oh, that's a good amount of money. That makes sense. Damn, dude. This guy's owed 600, right? This guy's owed $600. That's a lot of money, $600. It is. To me, yeah, the cutoff is like 150. Even when I was broke, it was like, if it's too much of a pain in the ass and it's 150 or less, whatever. But 600 is a good amount of money. Have you ever not been paid for a gig?

I've had a check bounce and that was brutal but shout out to there was a local promoter who did actually get me the money after a while so shout out to him but I've had you know people have been like

They said it was going to be one thing and they're like, oh, we didn't make as much money. I mean, early on, yes, I got fucked a couple times with like, they said it's 400 bucks. Then you get there, it's like, yeah, man, we didn't sell any tickets. It's 150 bucks. It's like, well, that's not my issue. I'm not a famous, I didn't have a door deal. You know who I am. I'm just some fucking guy in Baltimore. You told me it was this much money. But yes, it's been little shit like that. Overall, I've been lucky to not anything crazy.

Have you been stiffed crazy? Yeah, a few times. There's one guy I'm almost tempted to say his name out loud, but I'm not going to. Let's do it. Flames ass. I did the gig and... No. Was it him? It was in Jersey. Block out what I said. I'll bleep out who I said. Ha ha ha.

And I did the gig, and then afterwards it got a little weird. I think he promised this venue, like with a restaurant, that he was going to pack the place. Right. And then they didn't want to pay him, so then he wouldn't pay me. Right, right. But I had lawyers after him. Good for you. And at some point you're getting worn out. Yeah. And you're just like... Yeah. Take the L, man. Yeah, yeah. I've never said that in my life. Felt nice. But I feel like this guy...

Unless he really thinks he's going to get killed. I mean, the guy might have guns, but is he going to kill you over this? I mean, the guy would be killed. That is a good question. He would be probably killing people every day over some little dispute. Right, right, right. But I feel like you should just do a real straightforward...

I assume you're going to pay me back with that in your back of your mind and just go, when are you going to pay me $600? I need that. For sure. And then you can do file small claims court. But, you know, it just sounds like I wonder if he had something in writing. Yeah, true. Because that's the other thing is like if you're a guy like, you know, in this apartment for years, we just didn't have a lease.

Like we signed a lease once and then our landlord never made us sign it again. And we had people, you know, we had so many different people live here at a certain point that if somebody wanted to fuck me, I had no piece of paper that said they owed us. You know what I mean? So I wonder if it's one of those situations. I mean, it could be a casual agreement. Yeah, hey, come over, rent's 900, it's in my name kind of thing. I mean, the fact that the guy left when he said you got to go is a pretty good sign. Good sign. Yeah.

But it also might be a sign of this is his kind of scam, which is like, all right, he got me. Yeah. So I got one month of reduced rent. I'd say give it a little... I mean, part of me always wants to get my money. Yeah, of course. And the big part of me. And I expect to get paid today. You got it. But at the same time, I could just see like, am I going to make this my life? Totally. To chase down the... But...

It would feel great if he got that money. I mean, Elders, how good did it feel when you got that money? It was fucking awesome. Yeah. Because you were after a long time. I was after a long time, and I was just like, well, I don't think I'm actually going to get this back, but I do just want to ruin this guy's day. Just give him anxiety whenever he looks at his phone.

I'm not even saying fucked up shit, but I'd be like, hey, just following up on the blah, blah, blah. No, that would be so annoying. Respect to you for doing that. He was your roommate? Yeah, he was my roommate. I felt bad. He was like a bartender. He was maybe like a year or two younger than me. So what? No, I know, I know. I pay my fucking bills. Yeah, you paid it. You were broke. You had an embarrassing job at the time, too. I mean, he probably made better money than you as a bartender. How much did he owe you?

I think it was like $800. That's a nice chunk of change back then, dude. I know. But yeah, I feel like Todd is right here like, you know, will not getting the $600 ruin you and, you know...

Will you like... Are you just trying to get this money back because you're like seething with anger? Well, I think... I mean... It's a good amount of money. It's a lot of money. I mean, unless you're a billionaire. $600, you could buy groceries for two months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think, yes. Is he going to kill you is a good idea. You're a little too quick to write it off. I think at minimum you have to... Yes, absolutely.

You're like, hey man, I'm following up here. Do the eldest method of like fucking barrage him any way you can. Yeah, I think the message you should send is...

If you think that I'm just going to let this slide, then you're wrong. I don't want to get a lawyer. I have one ready to go. Yeah, exactly. Totally. Get a lawyer. And then just, yeah. Because I don't think you should just let it slide. No. I think that should be the last resort. At a minimum, he has to threaten you with violence before you start. Because you're kind of assuming he'll be violent. But, you know, he might not be and he might be...

Yeah, emails, texts, DMs. Hit him up. If he's ignoring your phone calls, try him a bunch of different ways. And then, like, look, if he threatens your fucking life, then maybe it's not worth it. But then you could also go to the police. Yeah, then you got... Yeah, you thought you had it bad with owing me $600. Now you're going to jail, motherfucker. I think, yeah, I think you should just say...

I would like it by this date. Yeah. And if it doesn't, then I'm going to have to take it to another level and I don't want to. Right, right, right. I don't want to go finding a lawyer. Yeah. Can we just figure this out? It'd be so easy to find one at the same time. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, just like firm and consistent. But it's also... Without being like angry. Like almost a professional tone with him. Yeah. You want to keep the emotions out of it. You just want to be like, hey, I'm not forgetting about this for my entire life. Yeah.

So, yeah. And if you don't want to do that, if you think $600 is not worth that, that is ultimately your prerogative. But I think that's also you might be a coward and you don't want to live the rest of your life that way. Yeah. So something to consider, my friend. Hit us with another one, Big LD.

Yo, Elvis. It's Liam. I just left a voicemail like 30 minutes ago. It was kind of trash. I reworded it to use one sentence. Cool, man. Yo, what up, Stav? It's your boy, Liam. So I've been seeing my current therapist for about 9, 10 years now, and he's great. The best therapist I've ever had. He's just...

wonderful old nice Jewish man. He knows the ins and outs of my life. He's helped me get through a lot of stuff, work through a lot of different issues that I've had with my career and family and friends and such. But, you know, I feel like we've hit a wall and he hasn't been as helpful to me lately. It's not just an overnight thing. It's kind of been a couple months now. Um,

you know, kind of giving me the, Oh, that's so hard. And kind of yapping me a bit instead of helping me work through issues. And yeah, you know, I, I think the relationship has run its course. So thinking about parting ways and looking for a new therapist who can help me work on, uh,

different problems and help me tackle different things i'm trying to go through what would you recommend that i that i look for in a new therapist what are some green flags what are some red flags that you think i should keep an eye out when when searching for uh a new therapist help me work through my issues all right thanks keep doing your thing appreciate your time thanks bye a lot of interesting assumptions in this call yeah i mean the problem with that is that uh

Fine like you need a dentist to do a filling you could probably find one crazy But man someone you're gonna pour your guts out tough, and he's invested like ten years with this other guy Yeah, he's got to start over. It's weird, but I think I mean It's just a matter of feeling comfortable with the person you're talking to give him one second But it's I don't even know how you fight. I don't even yeah, I are you a therapy guy I?

Hey, it's none of your business. Yeah. I've had the same therapist for like 10 years. Yeah. Well, I think there's a couple things here. And I've had a couple different therapists. And I think, well, first of all, the assumption that it's your therapist's fault. Here's the other thing. I love therapy has been very helpful for me, right? It's helped me work on a couple specific issues really well. And I've actually taken a break.

The schedule's been so crazy, and I haven't... I actually had one... I had a couple... I had a really busy month, and I just didn't see my therapist, and then I haven't gone in a while. And to be honest with you, I'm starting to feel the effects. I think I gotta get back in there. But...

For a while, I was just seeing my therapist once a month or just kind of like a maintenance thing, right? Like, I don't know that necessarily the what are I would ask you, what are the issues you want to work on? Is it possible that you and this guy, it's not that your relationship has run its course, but it's that, hey, you're at a point in your life where most of your like deep seated issues aren't fucking up your life. Maybe you guys have done a good amount of work together already.

And maybe you're in more of a maintenance phase with therapy where it's like, yeah, check in. Maybe shit doesn't happen for you week to week that you need to see him, right? Maybe you need... You just need to fucking let it pile up a little bit. Go see him once a month. Because the process of finding you therapists, like Todd said, it's...

It's tough. You've got to find somebody that makes you feel comfortable, and it can be difficult. And I guess I would just say, do you really feel like you need to go constantly? Do you think it's the relationship that's run its course? Do you think that maybe, like, what are you trying to get out of another therapist? What are the things you want to work on? Yeah, there's always those days when you have a therapy appointment, and you're like, I don't know what I want to talk about. Yeah, I feel fine. I'll get through this, but I'm just kind of throwing money out the window. Of course. One time I had one of the best nights of my life.

And I slept over at a place in the city. I woke up beaming. I'm just getting... I won't go into too much detail, but it was a really cool evening. Yeah.

And I had to go in there and be like, yeah, I just fucked two girls. I don't care about my problems. You know what I mean? Like, I don't fucking give a fuck today about therapy. I'm just sitting here smiling for an hour, and that cost me $200 or whatever the fuck it was. And I literally took a city bike from some weird apartment in Harlem to my therapist was at the Upper West Side at the time, and I was just like...

Dog, this is an awesome, this is one of the best days of my life. I don't have shit to tell you. Canceled, canceled the appointment. Yeah, I should have canceled. Yeah, I really should have canceled. It popped up on my Google Calendar, therapy and a half hour. I was like, what? I was like, fuck, I got to go.

But I also have definitely had those situations where I feel like my therapist is kind of phoning it in sometimes where you're just like, you just like, or you have an early morning session and you see the motherfucker kind of dozing off and you're just like. Yeah, I've had a therapist who was really good but she would occasionally be like, are you sleeping? Yeah.

Are you fucking sleeping? Yeah. So, you know, I would say think about it. And then even when you're in therapy, this is my personal opinion. Again, I'm not a fuck. Obviously, you guys know this. It's crazy that people, you know, call in. I'm just some fucking dumbass. But my opinion is that it's really helped me when I go to therapy with specific issues I want to work on.

So if you have something specific, bring it up to him. But if you're just going in there thinking this guy is going to needle at you and ask you, are you sad about your dad today? That's not really his job. Maybe it is a little bit when he's trying to get to know you, but he knows you. Yeah, I'm wondering if he should talk to this therapist about, hey, I'm feeling like you're not into this anymore. Yeah, exactly, or I feel like I'm not making progress. Because my therapist always wants feedback. Interesting. She got excited when I criticized her.

Interesting. And so, yeah, I think that's something you could even discuss. And I would, my read on the situation, again, not knowing specifics, is just like, yeah, maybe dial it back a little bit. Go every two weeks. Go once a month, whatever. I've also heard, I heard this recently, you should change your therapist every five years, but I don't. I didn't know that. I don't know who I heard that from. Yeah, just a guy. Whether it's accurate or if it's just a dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some guy just was shooting his mouth off. I've heard plenty of stuff.

Yeah, so I don't know. I guess, yeah, I guess that is something to discuss with your therapist. But I think the idea of maybe not pressuring it, like making it once a week, just go. Yeah. Because I'll go weeks without it. Totally, totally. And then if you feel like you need it, maybe this person who knows you is a good resource. But, you know, I guess that's really all we can tell you. Do you fab shit you still want to work on? If not, you know, maybe just dial it back. Take us home with a nice one here, Elders.

Holy shit.

We're in a legal state where you can do it online. So he basically just gives me his cash up front, and then I'll go deposit it. But I don't actually put the bets in the app. I'm kind of like small-time booking. And, I mean, this guy loses like fucking $500 a week. Like I pay my rent off this dude's monthly losses.

I mean, I love the guy to death. He's like a good friend. But I haven't told him I'm doing this. And everybody in my family that knows is kind of like pissed at me. But the way I see it, I think that the money is better off in my pocket than going to like FanDuel or something. So I'm just kind of at like this...

crossroads of like, you know, am I a good guy for doing this? No. This guy's a fucking mush that loses every fucking bet. We can answer that question immediately. I don't know. I feel kind of bad, but at the same time, I'm justifying it in my own mind.

So I just want your advice to know, like, if I should keep doing this with this guy or am I kind of fucking him over too? But in my mind, I think he'll run off to another bookie because, I mean, the guys ran through everybody in the city. He just sticks them. But obviously I work with the guy, so he can't stick me.

But I'd like to know what you think. Thanks, man. Love the podcast. Can you give me the bullet points of what... I didn't follow that completely. Yeah, yeah. So... His friend bets. So, okay, he's got a friend who's a complete loser, right? This guy's one of the worst gamblers of all time.

His wife won't allow him to gamble anymore, so he's using our friend here who called in as the go-between to place his bets. But the friend knows his... The caller knows his friend is going to lose his bets, so he just never puts in any bets, and he keeps the money. And the guy thinks he's just lost the bets, but every time, every losing bet, the guy just keeps the money. That would be called a Ponzi scheme. Yeah. Now, look...

Here's what you should do if you're a good friend is...

never put in a bet and just put the money in a bank account for his fucking kids. You should open up a fucking college fund for his kids under his kids' names and put the money in. And listen, you want to keep the odd 20 bucks here or there for your troubles. You could take a... Here's the nice middle road. You're like a money manager for him. You take 5% of everything. But the rest goes in a fucking bank account for his children's college fund. But what if...

I mean, doesn't this guy keep track of whether he won the bet or not? He doesn't win. But like zero percent? Like never wins? He's an overall loser. Most gamblers are overall losers. I know, but occasionally you do win. Yeah, so then he gives him the money. Oh, he does. Okay. But that's the thing. It's like he loses more. Even if you're losing at 60 percent. Does he have the money to give him if he's...

Yeah, he has... If he doesn't bet it... Yeah, aren't some bets like... Doesn't it depend on the odds or something? Is this guy playing some crazy... Yeah, I mean, listen. If this guy nails some crazy parlay, some fucking 12-leg parlay, and it's bet $100 to win $40,000, the guy's probably fucked then. But he's also... He's basically... He is... Now, to his credit...

He is gambling. This guy's basically gambling. So I guess the real question here is, you want to know if you're a good guy or not? If this guy won a $40,000 bet, would you give him the money? If the answer is no, then you're a piece of shit. And I think you know in your heart you're a piece of shit for this. So literally my advice is, I'm not kidding at all.

Open an account in his child's name with the money and keep 5% if you want to. That's the middle ground here. Now, if he wins, you're fucked, but he's not going to win. He is a mush. I don't know what to advise this guy because he is stealing his friend's money. He's purely stealing. And I sort of know what he's saying because if at the end of the year he gave him the money back, he's like, here's $10,000 that you bet with me, right?

That you thought you lost. Here's 10K. The guy is immediately gambling the money, right? So I kind of see what he's saying. Yeah, but there's... But at the same time, that's why I would say, literally, I'm not even kidding. This is my advice. Open a fucking account in his child's name because that's who's getting fucked here. This is his children and his wife. Open it in his wife's name, whatever, and keep 5%.

as a broker's fee. But yeah, you are, just to be very clear, you are stealing from him. You are doing something immoral. Your friends are right to be pissed at you. Again, unless you were doing something kind of good for him, you're just stealing. And then you would be being a good friend, but...

You know, this is insane. I mean, it's respect on some level to you. But here's the other thing. If you want to do this, become a fucking bookie. You're really going to be a bookie, be a bookie. But he knows you don't want to, you don't want to take on the risk of what being a bookie is because most guys aren't going to give you the money this season. You're going to have to get in business with somebody or you yourself are going to start having to fuck people up. He's just giving you the ability to just like,

freely steal money from him because he's a fucking idiot. But it's your friend that's... I'm sorry, it is fucked up. So that's our moral and ethical ruling. And what I would tell you to do is to flip your karma from now on, deposit it in a bank account for his child or his wife or whoever the fuck. But it can't be him. All right, that was pretty fun. I mean, I respect this guy for being like...

I see a way to make money. I do kind of see where you're coming from, but ultimately you're being a dickhead. All right. Well, listen, that's going to do it for us. Todd, thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. This was so fun. Yeah, this was really fun. Super fun. Go watch the special. And by the time this comes out, this will probably come out in a few weeks, I think my announcement for my special should be out already. So soon, December 5th, I believe, my special will be coming out. Watch out for that on the big N.

on the n word uh it's streaming there and uh yeah well that's gonna do it for us folks thanks for coming we'll see you next time bye bye yeah man that was fun