#51 - Joe List and Robert Kelly
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. This, honestly, I'm not even going to front. Maybe my favorite episode we've done the whole time. Our Thanksgiving special. We have Joe List. We have Bobby Kelly coming on here in just a second. Two of my closest comedy family. It felt like Thanksgiving. This is my comedy father and Joe feels like my comedy bro.

Took me in when I came in. It's going to be a great, great episode. You're going to love it. But first, I just want to hit very important points. December 5th.

I've said it before, if you weren't listening, my special, my second hour special is coming out on Netflix, December 5th, Fat Rascal. Put it on your calendars. We need you to watch it. Let's go to the top, baby. Stavi's world's never ending, but let's get a little mainstream success as well. Let's get off the internet. Let's get Elders some health insurance. So please watch the special. And then if you're in the New York area, December 1st,

Right before that, December 1st, I'm ending the Fat Rascal tour at the Beacon Theater. The last time I'm doing that material live in this beautiful space. And not only that, if that's not enough good news for you, I have even better good news for you. Okay, even better than a huge accomplishment, two huge accomplishments in my career. Freeze Pipe is turning Black Friday into Green Friday, folks.

their biggest sale of the year. Visit TheFreezePipe.com today to enjoy their biggest sale of the year. That's right. From now until the end of November, you can save up to 30% off a huge selection of pipes, bubblers, bongs, joint chillers, and more at TheFreezePipe.com.

That's right. Plus, if you see something you like that's not on sale, use code STAVVY, S-T-A-V-V-Y, for 10% off your entire order. Now, Eldis, start the music. Let's start this episode off for real, for real this time, and welcome Joe and later on Bobby.

Welcome everybody to Stave's World, 904-800-STOVE. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have a very special holiday Thanksgiving edition here with my bro, Jolis, who's got the holiday socks on. Tell him why. Tell him why I have holiday socks on. Yes, holiday socks on. Because I like to be fresh for my guests. I like to shower right before a podcast. We were supposed to meet at noon. Joe's here on time. I'm still showering. I'm still washing my little nuts.

And unfortunately, there was a puddle of water. You like to drip dry. I like to drip dry. Three inches of water. I had my fresh, tight... You know that fresh shower, tight-fitting sock? Oh, yeah. And just a puddle of stave water. Awful. Nothing worse than a wet sock. I'd rather have a fist in my asshole than a wet sock.

That's a brand. Look, it's brutal. And I apologize deeply. I fucked up big time. I should not have done. And as a result, I'm giving you some holiday socks that you're using. And you're putting in fat David's mouth. But these are nice. You gave me some nice. You replaced my. Let's bleep out the no free advertising. Oh, sorry. I said they're named after your sets. Hello, folks.

Now people can figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whatever. No, no, no. There's nothing to do. Oh, you're like anti-capitalist, whatever. No, no, no. Listen. I'm a little anti-capitalist, of course, but if we're... Sure, I can tell by your three-bedroom apartment. It's my fucking workspace also. What do you want from me? I do live a capitalist nightmare. My best friend is also my best employee. Our lives are completely intertwined. Most of my apartment is taken over by storage and studio space.

These are nice socks. They're good. They are good, unfortunately. But we don't... Eldest has bleeped out all the brand because I'm not against... Look, if we're going to play inside of the system, I'm going to get paid if you fucking say my... You know what I mean? Like, the company has to pay me. They don't get free shit. Spoken like a true socialist. Fucking hilarious.

Oh, boy. It all comes apart somewhere. This really is the perfect Thanksgiving episode because it's family arguing about politics right to start, and our father is late. Bobby was supposed to be here. Our father forgot about us. That's hilarious. It was Friday. It was this Friday, and you knew it. Yeah.

Yes, yes. So Bobby Kelly might pop in here, folks. We don't know. Let's see if we can play his voicemail. Of course he yelled. He called Matt at me because he forgot the podcast. He's the king of the call me text. Half the texts he's ever sent me say call me. Yeah, which is infuriating, nerve wracking. Yeah, just say, hey, nothing, nothing big. And then I call and he's like, what's up, dude? Just checking in. I'm like, well, just write that.

What the fuck? Yeah, dude, I'm having a panic attack over here. All right, let's see if it plays. That's it. That's the first one. That's all he said? Just Stavros, and then the second one. Just two separate voicemails. Stavros and yo. So he claims he left. He claims he left over 20 minutes ago. Maybe he'll be here in about over under, eldest. Let's set it at...

Let's set it at 55 minutes and see if Bobby gets here. Well, these guys always want to say they live 12 minutes away. Right. And I'm going to be one of them. I'm moving to Jersey at some point. Everybody goes, oh, it takes me 11 minutes with no traffic. One time, Bobby and I, we were at the cellar, and I was saying I wanted to move to Jersey Shore. He's saying you should move to Westchester. That's right. Interesting. Yeah. I want to be in a nice red county, baby.

You want to be in the Jersey Shore in December? Yeah, why not? The ocean's beautiful in the winter. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You want to be an historian in December? I like it, yeah. I like it, too. I like whatever you like. But...

We were talking and I was like, he's like, Red Bank's too far. And I'm like, I looked it up. I'm like, it's an hour and one minute. Put in your address. And you can see him looking at his phone for a second. He's like, dude, it's 45 minutes. And I was like, wait, hold on, pick up your phone. What the fuck? And it was like 56 minutes. I'm like, you got me beat by five minutes and I'm next to the ocean. Right. That's a good point.

Beach bum Joe, is that the second act? I think. I'd like my son to be a nice, ocean-y, spiritual guy. Yeah, hell yeah. A surfer, maybe. We want to get an orange Subaru Crosstrek with a surfboard up there. Big old Trump sticker on the back. Trump surfer. You want him to be like a, on the beach kind of conservative. Yeah, exactly.

That's fun. That's a type of guy for sure. That's San Diego. That's all San Diego. It's like Republican surfers. I might go Pacific Northwest also. My best friend's out there. Get some trees, the mountains, the hiking. It is nice. I will say that's the nicest summer I've ever experienced is the Pacific Northwest. Now the rest of the year though. The rest of the year is tough. It's pitch black at 4 o'clock and raining all day every day. You want to talk about wet socks.

I know. That's the wet sock capital of fucking America. And Stobby's not going to be next door to give me some nice... Stop saying the brand. Oh, shit, sorry. I forget. You could have just said socks. Now, this is a nice advertisement for our advertisers. Look what an opportunity you missed, folks. Joe said a brand name. Don't flick your clip. What? I'm trying to sell some merch here.

We're trying to move some product. Oh, damn. So, and we should congratulate Joe, the birth of his child. How about a nice round of applause? Thank you. I'm a dad. That's awesome, dude. It's weird. You came and saw the baby. You're one of a few people. I saw the baby. He's so cute. Which, by the way, we went to the doctor like three days later, and we're like, we're thinking about heading up to Thanksgiving. Is that going to be a problem? She's like, oh, nobody should be seeing him. He's not immunized. And I was like, oh. She's like, you don't have visitors, do you? And I'm like, no. No.

We've had like 48 people over there. Louis came over. You were over. Louis Monas was there. The good news is the people seeing him aren't people that travel for a living and come into contact with thousands of people per weekend. Just handing them right over to everybody. I mean...

Louie hasn't washed his hands since 1985. I'm like, Modus has got to be clean, I think. He seems like a clean boy. But yeah, you are filthy. I'm a filthy little hog. Well, I had COVID when he was born. I actively had COVID. I remember because I had just had it. Me and Eldis. That's right. I just had it. Then you got it. So maybe he's stronger now.

I think he'll be okay. It's funny because people are very anti-vax, but I'm like, well, can you just hit him now? Yeah. Just fucking get him. Get his bloodstream going. He's two weeks old. They're like, he'll die. And I'm like, well, you're telling me you can't be near Stavros. I'm willing to risk this. Are you not going to take him to real Thanksgiving? I think we're going to take him and just go, you know,

I don't know. Everyone, you know, wash your hands, whatever. Yeah. People do it. Yeah. I don't know. I think you're fine. As long as you don't have like 40 people in his face or something. But I don't trust anybody, particularly my family, but anybody...

If you're like, hey, my baby has no immunity whatsoever, and if he gets a cold, we have to go to the ER and he could die. Even in that circumstances, people are still like, I got a cold, but it's not... Nobody's actively going to give up a party because they have the sniffles. Oh, dude, Thanksgiving?

Exactly. Full of pie. Imagine if you were still drinking. Imagine you're in a... Take you out of the situation. You're in an armchair. You're still drunk Uncle Joe. Yes. Right? Full of pie, full of turkey, just fucking watching football. And somebody says, quick, we have to go to the hospital. You'd be like... Give him some Robitussin. He's good. He's okay. He's good. Put some Tylenol PM in his bottle. He'll sleep it off. Fucking nerd.

But yeah, he's there. He's a baby. You held him. I held him. He's a good guy. I was there for his first smelly shit. Yeah, he's been having some nice big shits. Karen Fian came over and his umbilical cord thing fell off right when she got there. I feel like he was like, oh, I got to clean up. I know this. This is a babe. I thought you were going to tell me his little dick got hard for the first time. No. He could just smell her endorphins. No, my little dick got hard. But yeah.

His belly button fell off. And by the way, she is out gifting everybody. I mean, you brought a nice, beautiful two-piece tracksuit. We love it. But she brought, like, I mean, stuffed animals, a nice outfit. I mean, she really went all out. Man, she's really trying to trick her body into thinking she doesn't want kids, huh? She's really trying to gift it out of her system and not have to take stock of her life.

No, she was the best. She was like all right asleep. I mean, she's the mom. Let's get Karen. Oh, yeah. She's adopted now. You've left Sarah for Karen? No, I left the baby for Sarah. Karen and the baby are out. Oh, okay. They're like Barbie and Ken. Sarah and I haven't seen the baby in four days. That's awesome. She's at the Fian house. Oh, that's beautiful. He's holding the ring light. She fingers herself.

Yeah, I gave him some production experience.

That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, I definitely do see that, though. I mean, I get where... Shit, I got to out-gift Karen now. All right, all right. Yeah, I mean, it's been laid down. I mean, it was a nice... It was called, like, Paris something, some kind of nice... She does have good taste. Very nice. She gets really nice stuff. Fuck. It's the Thanksgiving outfit. Like, we're putting them in it. Damn. It's very nice, nice stuffed animal. A couple stuffed animals. She brought some all kinds of desserts from some high end... Well, the baby can't even eat desserts, so... I can. Fuck. Yeah.

Yeah, you came up with one outfit.

I thought that was pretty good. I didn't get shit from Elvis. All right, all right. A couple of stuffed animals. I'll get you a Mars bar. We got to fucking, we got to catch up to Fian. Yeah. That is interesting though, because like I get it. I totally get it. I'm shitting on Karen because it's total self-reflection because I am at the place where I'm like, my friends are having kids and I'm like, oh, this is probably something I should be doing. Oh,

Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Where, like, your body is like, hey, man, where's our kid? Where's the thing? Like, it's like, because, like, I love your kid. I love my, you know, my best friend growing up. She had a kid. You know, there's a couple babies that I am so invested in. Sure. But then you're, like, in a biological sense, like, well, I mean, this fucking guy isn't your genes. You know what I mean? Right, right. And there's a part of you that holds a baby that you're like, oh, this is...

I love this kid, but I want it to flourish. But then you're like, I should probably have my own kid. You got to have a kid. Have a kid. Although I would be a good ass...

I kind of also like the idea of just being the uncle that does come through with some nice gifts and, you know. It's very fun. I'm both. I'm Funkle Joe. You're Funkle Joe. I'm Papa Joe. Papa Joe. It's exciting, but it is weird because the baby, he doesn't, he just looks right through. There's no connection yet, which Vitor said to me, he's like, he doesn't really feel like your baby. You don't go on until like eight months in. And I legitimately was like, Vitor's a fucking psycho. What a moron. Yeah.

And then I come home, the baby, he's literally looking, Sarah keeps joking, it looks like he's looking over you for someone cooler. He just is like, he doesn't, he's kind of. He's an open micro to Montreal party. He's just constantly looking for fucking. You just see him like this? Yeah. There's no, I mean, obviously I love him, but you don't feel, like you can't,

There's no tricks where he's like, ah, dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got him pulling my finger and nothing. Nothing, dude. I'm just bombing. Eight months, you think, huh? That seems too much. That's going to Vitor. Vitor, yeah. We could bump that down to maybe six. I mean, he's been on the road for seven months. He hasn't seen the kids. That's true. He spent more time with Sam then. Sam, Nate, and who else? Vitor's never not on the road, dude. Yeah, he's on the road a lot.

Yeah. That's not right. So how the fuck is he going to connect with his child? Vitor sees his son as much as we see his son, basically. Have a kid. Have a kid with Karen. You think so? That'd be a nice pairing. That'd be fun. Yeah. If she took care of it mostly. I think she would. Yeah, okay. The women do that. They just like naturally...

All right, Karen, if you want to come over and get cream-pied, thanks to Joe. Call in. Call in. This is where you can really recruit your mom to raise you and Karen's kid. Well, my mom really wanted me to have kids like 10 years ago probably. And she was like, you know, when are you going to have a kid? And I was like, listen, I could...

you need a kid. I could get you a kid. I was like, are you going to raise? I was, I literally was like, will you raise it if I get you a fucking grandchild? And she was like, no, I'll help with it. But I'm like, well then no, it's off. This is the thing. Grandparents want to be, they want to be like you and Finn. They want to come over with a new track suit and a couple of cookies and go, there you go little buddy. They don't want to fucking pick the kid up at school. They've already done it. Yeah, exactly. And they're willing to tell you that angrily over and over again.

I already did this shit. And I'm like, all right, sorry. It's like my mother says that more than any sentence. Yeah, I already did that. Your son's been alive for two weeks. I'm like, all right, yeah, sorry.

Oh, this is awesome. This will break... This is a whole new era of therapy for Joe. No, it's good. Well, it's good for that stuff, too, because you can't sit around worrying about what happened to you. You're the captain now. Right, right, right. You've got to focus on him. You've got to start ruining his life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't think about your own shit. You've got to ruin his life by accident instead of on purpose. Exactly. Which is what a lot of parents did a generation ago. It's like you're loving him too much. Do you worry about that where it's like...

damn, I'm going to have a coddled ass kid who knows love. We were just talking about this where it's like, now every time he cries, you pick him up because you're like, but he's only two weeks. What they say is like survival, that stuff comes later where you got to like let them be tough, but it's hard. You know, you got to make them tough, but also, but my niece and nephew, I'll discipline them.

I'm like, we're not doing that shit. Which is fun. That's what's so fun about being the silly, fun, funcle guy. Because then when you get serious, they're like, oh, Jesus Christ. If you're just always serious all the time, they rebel and they're like, this guy's a fucking asshole. So it's good to be silly and light your farts on fire and eat your own shit. Come on, the kid. And all that stuff. All the fun stuff that you do. Classic clowning.

hitting the kid in the eye with those plastic glasses that strap onto his head with the blue rims. Just to quick. While you eat an ice cream cone full of your own shit. It's like, Uncle Joe! And then you're like, hey, put your coat on.

We're not going out with no jackets. That's fucking hilarious. No, I had that with my friend's kid, my buddy Derek and his wife, who I'm really close with, and his kids. But one time we were out, they live in the Pacific Northwest, and it was like 48 degrees, and their son's like six. He's got a T-shirt on. And I said, I'm like, you've got to put a coat on him. And my friend Eric was like, well, he doesn't want to wear a coat. You've got to pick your battles. And I was like, you should pick this battle. Yes.

It's 48 degrees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I went and had a good tie. I got a down a knee. Hey, buddy, you need a coat. I have a coat. You're never going to be like me if you don't wear a coat. And he said, but I don't want your teeth to be shit. He's like, your latest special didn't do as well as the last two. And I was like, all right, enjoy your T-shirt, you fuck face.

That's the kind of pain I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh, really? And then you rip the shirt off. Oh, how about now? Now you fucking chilly? Yeah, now it's hard.

I promise I'd stop making bad feeling jokes when I had a kid. Now they hit even harder is the problem. Now they're even more, you know, the forbidden fruit even more. Well, people will write that to me. They're like, I can't wait for you to have a kid. You'll stop making so many fucking jokes about child abuse. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see about that, buddy. Is that Bobby? Is he here? No, it's my brother asking about posting a video online.

Not Bobby yet. Do you have it running, right, Elders? Yeah, we're at 16 right now. Yeah, not even close to getting Bobby, dude. Bobby's another 45 minutes away, if we're lucky. Plus the parking. We can park in the driveway. Whoa.

I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can too, but you're right here. Take a nice stroll. Beautiful stroll. Really get your money's worth leaving your wife with the newborn. Take a stroll. It's really nice. Yeah, I work my way back. I was like, I'm going to run and grab breakfast and my coffee. And then I call my mother, talk to her for like 25 minutes. I call Derek. I talk to him for 30. I come back. I'm like not even thinking about it. 90 minutes later, I'm like, oops, sorry.

But you're just used to living your life. Right, right, right. Yeah, shit, sorry about that. I just did a gig in Vegas, and then you're like, well, what am I going to do? Not gamble all day. Of course. I'm like texting her. I'm like, I just hit pocket queens. I'm a 500. She's like, that's great. The baby hasn't stopped crying in two days. Damn, dude. You know, they used to put a little whiskey on the baby's gums. I know. My uncle, he used to put Mountain Dew. He has kids. He'd dip Mountain Dew and give it to the baby, which is like...

Straight up child abuse. That's crazy. And none of us thought anything of it. We were like, nice. Good trick. That baby's fucking sick. Good trick. Yeah. No, the babies are all dead, but... Yeah. Put some Oakleys on that baby. That baby can skateboard. At what point did Mountain Dew become, like, white trash? Like, when I was a kid, maybe that's because I was white trash. You just beat me to it. Yeah. Damn it.

But I don't remember anybody talking about that. I grew up in a very white trash town. Oh, fuck. When did hitting your wife become white trash? When the hell was, when did not giving your wife a nice backhand? But when you were a kid, did people talk about Mountain Dew? Well, I was poor too. Right. So we definitely, there was definitely Mountain Dew around.

But I do feel like it had a light white trash. Even for us, that had a bit of a white trash connotation. Eldest, you want to weigh in? I will say, I think Joe's kind of right because, like, you used to see, like, advertising and shit for Mountain Dew. You still do. I guess. I feel like now it's a lot of, like, the novelty shit, like the Code Reds. Code Red shirt. Or it's like 7-Eleven Mountain Dew Slurpee or some shit like that. Well, I also think that it was kind of in that Cheetos...

What's the fucking... What's the Capri Sun zone of like Sunny D even of like cool radical kids zone. And I do think slowly it did get co-opted by white trash a little bit. Yeah. And also... Yeah, I do think it wasn't as bad then. Well, I think also soda stopped... I think what happened was when, you know, especially, you know, when we were kids...

Soda was like the last of the Mohicans of like, you know, cigarettes and like booze and shit like that where it was like you could. It was like the last surviving thing that was clearly bad for children that you could just be like, drink three of these a day and you'll be cool like Tony Hawk.

You know? And it was like, I do think once everyone was like, ah, we really shouldn't, or you know, once there was probably regulation that was like, you can't do this to children anymore, that's when it became like, well, now the only kids drinking Mountain Dew are white trash because they're the ones whose parents see it as don't give a fuck anymore. I think that's a good point. I think you really just put your finger on it. Thanks, man. I think soda, yeah. Because I quit drinking soda a few years ago and I do see someone with like a fucking big jug of soda and I'm like, my God, God. Yeah, yeah.

You fucking animal. Well, I always thought it was weird because I would drink soda with a meal. I always thought it was weird for somebody to just be out on a stroll, pop into a bodega and come out with like a big Pepsi. Yeah. This is just my hanging out drinking Pepsi. That's crazy. To me, like Pepsi goes with French fries and a hot dog. I'm with you on that. A slice of pizza.

I'm a fully with it's a it's a great barbecue drink it's a great like you want to treat yourself with a meal you're really being you know it's a treat you know it's a little bad or whatever but it's like yeah wash down a fucking burger and fries with it no this fucking animal when he's really on his soda thing will have like three in a sitting I'll just stretches I'll just stretches the what's acceptable of the have it with the meal thing where he'll order one the moment like like the waitress is just dropping the host he'll order it with the hostess

They'll bring him one before we get waters. And then he'll fucking suck that one down, have one with his meal, and then he'll have a dessert soda. Oh, boy. When you're on the road, it doesn't feel real. I mean, when we were, when Stav was, like, doing clubs, like, last year. The sodas were flowing. I was getting so many pokes in the green room. It was crazy. Now, do you not drink alcohol?

I do. I try not to when we're working. Especially now that shit is so busy. There's so much to do. We might have a nightcap. We might have one at the end. I'm not a big drinker. I'm much more of a weed guy. But even when I was drinking more when I was younger and doing comedy, I never wanted to be... I couldn't be any kind of under the influence when I did comedy. I actually took it seriously from...

and on. I read that book, Things Pussies Say. Fuck, you got me. Got me dead to rights on that one, dude. Fucking queer. Yeah.

I'm sorry I wasn't blacking out and getting... Narc alert. Getting toothless blowjobs from drifters with me and my four other friends, which is one of my favorite Joe-less stories. Somebody didn't waste 17 years of their career. Ooh.

What is that thing where it was like you guys just brought some atrocious woman back to your place and all five of you that live in that house got sucked off? No, there was four of us. I'm sorry. The particulars, right? But the third one, yeah, she blew everybody. I didn't come because I got freaked out. I was like, this is too much. I was on Paxil at the time and drunk and I was like, this is too much. You were third out of four? Yeah, I think I was third.

And then she... Third is a tough one. We went upstairs and we woke up. This is a different time ago. This is a long time ago. Before he had a child. I've made amends many years ago, 20 years ago. Yeah, he made amends. They all visited her grave to make amends. I went upstairs and woke up my buddy and I was like, you gotta get up.

There's a woman blowing everybody. And he was like, get out of here. You fucking, I'm like, I'm dead serious. I wouldn't joke. I was like, I wouldn't joke about this. She's blowing everyone in the house. We need you. Get down there. Come on. We got to go four for four. And he comes down like Kevin McAllister with his head. He's got bedhead and like shit in his eye. And he's like, Hey, I heard you're blowing everyone. And,

And then they went upstairs to his bedroom. Yeah. And he was like talking to her like, oh, I usually sometimes I headline. But right now I'm featuring. And I guess from his telling of it, she interrupted was like, listen, I know what you want. Yeah. But I'm a little hungry. I haven't eaten other than. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And all he had in the house was like ice cream bars. And so he got her like ice cream bars. And then we literally asked him, we go, how was the blowjob? And he goes, it was cold. She had like a fudgesicle and then blew him. It was just like cold time. That is fucking incredible. Yeah. I forgot about that. I haven't thought about that in a long time. Oh, that's one of my favorite stories you told me once. It was so fucking funny. Yeah, poor lady. I hope she's doing okay. No, no chance. No chance it's gone good for her.

Unless that could have been a rock bottom. Yeah, she could have bottomed out. I mean, that was like almost my bottom. I mean, I don't know how much bottom you can get. Like to me, I was like, I shouldn't be getting blown by a woman with four other guys present. This is crazy. They were in the room while you were getting blown? No, we had a little, I was in the office. Sure, sure, checking your emails. Getting your dick sucked in.

No, I remember sitting there and being like this. I don't, I'm not into this. I never, I couldn't get into that kind of sex. I'm not into that at all. It's also an interesting thing of like,

You don't want to put your mouth somewhere your friends have been, but it's like a mouth that was just on your friend's cock then being on your cock, sort of by the transitive property, you've rubbed your friend's cock with your cock. Yeah, to me it was more empathy for the woman. Mine wasn't homophobic so much as... I feel bad.

That's a fair point as well. I felt bad that this lady was...

trying so desperately to please strangers. I was like, ah, geez. Oh, God. And she was just what? You guys saw her at the club or something? She was at a show and she was a bit of a nut. I think she kind of hung out at the club. I didn't know her too well, but everyone later was like, oh, that lady's crazy. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, I think she was blowing someone in the car. I just remember it. Yes, God, that's a long time ago. Which is also, I was driving. I remember in the backseat being like, oh, geez. Oh, God.

Yeah, it was a different time. That was a long time ago. Did we ever party together? I didn't really know you. No, dude, you were sober. You were sober. Yeah, by the time I got here, you were sober. I caught everybody kind of... Soda was complete. I smoked weed, was sober, obviously. Yeah. And then Bobby had been like... And I really wish... It would be cool if Bobby was here to talk about this, but I remember... Bob? Yeah. Bobby had just kind of...

Therapy had just kicked in a little bit after like 10 years of it. Right. Whereas like I talked to you and Soder where it was like, yeah, man. We almost had like a Bobby's opener support group. Where it was like, yeah, man. He's a lot better than he was 10 years ago kind of thing. But no, we never did. And that's a shame because I also... You know, me and Eldis were getting kind of... We were getting pretty fucked up in our early 20s. But I don't know, man. I just never...

By the time I got here, I would kind of have like... I'll still have one... I'll get really fucked up like twice a year for old time's sake. It's hard to picture you drunk. I don't know if I... At Mark's wedding, were you drunk? No, because... No, because I was in the middle of like this insane run. These last couple years have been so fucking brutal. Oh, look who it is, Robert. Oh, let's get him on there. Hello, Robert.

I'm right downstairs. Whoa, look at that. All right, Eldest, we'll let you in. We're already going. All right, let's go. We'll buzz you up. Eldest, could you bring back a water, a glass of water? Oh, my bad, dude. I'm sorry. We have a couple bottles of water, too. Yeah, see you in a second, Bob.

You know what I'm thrilled about? Is Bobby having the fucking sidekick chair. If you think I'm moving over, you're out of your mind. I got the leg. I want to watch Bobby sitting there because it's going to burn him up. It will. This is the kind of thing that Bobby is not going to be happy about. He is going to be furious. I want to see if he says something. He's going to be like, dude, why don't we switch? No, I think he's going to be so like, I'm late kind of thing. It'll kick in maybe a half hour in once we've settled in.

Oh, he got in. He got in himself. We're all still afraid of Bobby. I'm like, did he hear that? It's funny. You're talking about how hard it was to open for him. I'm like, oh, shit. I think he... I'm like, is this game? We're rolling, baby. That's okay. Come on down. Come on in. Come on in. Robert Kelly. You look great. Sit down. I can't hear. You made it. You made it here for Luther. I can't hear faster than we thought. Way faster. It was record time. It was beautiful. I'll just bring three waters for the fellas. And bring me a pillow, please. You hurt your back? Yeah.

There's a microphone over there. First podcast. No, I started this game, Joe. I knew you'd say it. I might not finish it, but do it well.

when I fucking started this game. That's right. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I literally woke up to... Here's the problem, and I do blame you. Okay, nice. Three minutes, not even... 30 seconds of actual apology before it was turned upon me. Was it apology? Which one's my shot? Is that me? Right here. Is that my camera? We have to change the camera angle. There it is. I felt it. I love the Louis V. Hi, LV. You look great.

The thing is... Here's your fault. I'll tell you why it's God bless America. Veterans Day. Yesterday. Stop milking it. Pull a flag down in front of me, bitch. Pull a flag down in front of me. I'll be the first one to dial 911. You should have heard some of his shit earlier. This is such a beautiful Thanksgiving episode. Now we're even. Dad comes late, starts talking about America. We gave you those blankets.

We would have been in a fucking teepee right now. Fucking eating raw salmon. And fucking... Sounds good. Sashimi. Sounds good to me. Not the way you like it. Anyways. Why is it my fault, bub? Because... Okay. I could have given you a check-in. I could have given you a check-in. A check-in! A check-in! Joe didn't need a check-in. Oh, the guy who lives...

fucking minute away from you to need a fucking shot at you. What does that have to do with anything? I knew. It has to do with everything. You're right down the street, your brain goes, I was here at 11.50. I had to drive by Yankee Stadium to get here.

No. Yeah, I did. 87. But we're not talking about being late or early. We're talking about remembering the date. How does that have to do with it? You need a check-in. I need a check-in. FYI. See you tomorrow. Do you need a drink? Want a coffee? Is there anything I can do? My house will smell like dumplings, but I won't have any for you. I made beef and broccoli, and I have some if you'd like some. Okay. Is Eldest pumping the water? Where did he go? How the fuck is the water well?

It's in my backpack. I bought a pack of water bottles. Oh, nice warm water. And a pillow for Robert. Here's the deal. A check-in. All I needed was yesterday at any time. Yep. At any time. I'm sorry. Dude, see you tomorrow at noon. Can't wait to see you. Confirmation. Confirmation. And then I go, fuck. Yep. And Don goes, what? I go, fuck. I got to go to Queens tomorrow. Fuck.

So then, but I would, I would have woke up. I would have fucking showered. I would have, and that's another thing. I was, I woke up this morning. I brought the kid to school. I came back. I did a little shit with Dawn. I went and had breakfast with Nom. Is this the pillow? I went back. Oh, a pillow. I was like, what's a pillow?

A little small. The small gay guy that does another podcast. We need a Phillips head screwdriver. Is this the size? We can get you another one. No, it's good. We'll get more if we finish it. We've got socialist water here. Exactly. And then... Can you stick it behind my back, sweetie? Right there. Thanks. So then...

I was coming in with a pillow and the fucking waters are such a good visual. So then, and then I come home and I did something. You came home. So you went to your, oh my God. So then I go, and then I come, I'm home. I'm gone. I'm going to lie down. I'm going to lie down. There's something wrong with my back. And then I'm going to shower and then I was going to work out and then I was going to do the bonfire. Right. Sirius XM 103, Faction Talk, Big Joe, Kassandra Mia took over for Dan who left.

Left you guys. He stinks. Dude, I don't want these golden handcuffs. I want platinum. So then I literally yelled. I went fucking house was cold. I put the blankets on. I got comfortable. I went like this and I got the pillow in my neck right. I went like that and then

Hey bro Fucking driveway's open If you're coming in And I went Huh? Then I had to go through dates And then I had to go When? Is it today? Or is that tomorrow? And then I looked 12 And then I had to go back And then I went back And then I looked at the day And it was 12 And then I had to go look at the time It said 12 Yeah 12 a bunch of times

If I said one, I would have been fine. It could have been 12 or one, yeah. I asked you which one do you prefer. I said 12. That's right. A check-in, though. A check-in. I give you 26% of the blame. I'll take a quarter. I will not give you that. He's always talking about the 1%. I will not give you the 1%. He's obsessed with the 1%. Get some nice comfy socks, folks. Look at these socks. Do you want to know why I have these socks on? Because you're gay.

No. Because you're gay and love Christmas. No, incorrect. Because you're an elf that grew up. No, because this fucking asshole takes a shower and then just does barrel rolls all over his bathroom floor. So when you come in with socks on, he's stepping puddles. I'm sorry. So he supplied me with some nice socks. I was about to take a shower and Dawn goes, I go, take a shower. I go, it's Stavros. He hasn't showered. Even if he did shower, he's not going to look like he showered.

I don't need to do anything. No, you look fresh. You look nice in the elevator. By the way, all waft over there. Not a bad thing. Oh, this does look good. I mean, nice. I do. I like that you're unkept. Thank you, Robert. And I didn't have to take a shower and get ready. That's right. Even though I did throw the Louis on just for fucking appearances. You do look nice, yeah. Just appearances. I mean, it's a satchel. I love the goatee, too. It's a man's satchel. Yeah. It's a European. It has a little... I love it. You know what I mean? What's in there? What's your daily carry? Oh.

My daily carry? Yeah. Good question. Three cigars. Well, you're right about that. I did bring some. Ooh. Should we smoke some on the bar? Can we smoke in here? Fuck yeah. Who gives a shit? I'll do anything to smoke. Thank you for sending these, by the way. What? They're like real cigars. Oh, dude. These are hot. Those look awesome. Can we smoke in here? Yeah, it's my house. Who gives a fuck? Ellis is making a face. Yeah. We'll be fine. Fuck do I care? What are we going to do? Get the cum and Chinese food smell out?

Oh my god, my day just turned around. What are these things? They smell like... I'll bring a bowl for an ashtray. Bring an ashtray and we have the flame lighter too. I got the lighter. What are you doing? You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't heard novice in a while. Novice was nice. I can't remember the last time I heard the word novice. That was nice. Last time I came here he had weird snacks.

So I didn't want to fucking chance it. I made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I believe. Yeah, but it was weird. It wasn't like a... It wasn't some weird shit. It was like a... I don't know, dude. It was weird. It was a protein shake? I feel like you may not be fully thinking of what your house is going to be like after three cigars are smoked. No, it won't be that bad.

It's going to be total destruction. It's going to be like the Gaza Strip in here. Nice. Free Palestine. That's right. All right, let's move on quickly. Now, Stavros does hate the Jews, right? I don't. No, no. I do not hate the Jews. We cannot go down this road. No, let's go. Let's go.

This is literally Thanksgiving. This is literally Thanksgiving. How long do you think about the fucking Pilgrims? Fuck Christopher Columbus, right? That is true. Fuck you. You're fucking nobody.

I thought the dirty Greeks got Zeus and Apollipsy and Apollipsy. You just peel it off with your fingernail there, sissy. Oh, I don't want to peel it off. That's not appealing. No, folks. Can I do it? Please. You have a cigar cutter in there, though. I know, I know. That's what's annoying. I know, I know. I forgot it. There's a cap. Oh, I have one. Each cigar, this is a double cap. I see the cap. The line right there. You just peel the cap off, Joe. You go around, really, with your fingernail. I know, but it's going to be all on my lips. It's not going to be your lips. It's not going to be your lips.

I have beautiful lips. I have a small mouth, but beautiful lips. They're a little chapped. The top one is not good. They're a little chapped. Look at what a mess this fucking thing is. Whatever, it's okay. By the way, I was at a cigar lounge in Vegas yesterday, and the guy said he toasted a lot more than we do. He's like, you have to. He really toasted up. Interesting. And I was like, wow, you really toasted the fuck out of these. He's like, you have to, my friend. You have to. He didn't explain why, but... Yeah, that's good. Just take a guy's advice.

He's a bro. He works at a cigar lounge, you fuck. Fuck him. I'm a member of a cigar lounge, you fuck. He's the leader. No, he's not the leader. I'm toasting, baby. I used to do all this bullshit. Cedar, light cedar. I saw an old guy come in. He bit the end off and lit it with a match. Yeah, that's cool. And enjoyed it just as much as I do. The little old stogies that were like little cigarillos, those were cool. That every dock worker used to smoke. If you need a match, I have one. Your face and my ass. Ha ha.

We're on a team. I should be. We're on a team. We're all on a team, guys. There's no... This team's a bunch of pussies. What happened to the Greeks? Do the Greeks... Are they disappointed in you? In me? No. We've got nothing. We used to be conquerors. We used to be the motherfuckers. That's true. And now they're producing that.

What, me? Yeah, just a fucking hippie. You're a hippie Greek. I'm a hippie. Is that a thing, a hippie Greek? Why do I have to have the ashtray on my dick? Because your dick's fucking awesome, that's why. Ooh, that's pretty cool. We should all gay out right now and show people what's what and who's who.

See how fucking much of a producer this kid is. I'm game for anything. That's why his hair is done today. I'm out. I tap out. I'm game for anything. His fucking heavy hips on my chest.

I'll just can put his fucking legs behind his head dude. You'll be eating his ass. He'd be looking you right in the face I'd rather fucking go down on Carrie Kravitz Not Lenny Kravitz you fucking weirdo Carrie Kravitz dr. Carrie D Kravitz no Carrie Kravitz

I feel like he said the wrong name. He wrote it wrong. He wrote Kravitz first. No, this person doesn't exist. It's the Greek version of Kravitz.

Carrie Caravitz. Whatever, who gives a fuck? Yeah, it's done now. You killed it, you fucking nerd. Look it up. What are you fucking... Can I throw a topic of conversation? I know it's your show and all, but the people know who the real star is here. Rank these three songs and you're going to have some bullshit. Star Spangled Banner, God Bless America,

America the Beautiful. One, one, and two. Because I think I'm not a fan of the Star Spangled Banner. I think it's the third by a long shot. All right, sing it.

That's a great song.

There's only one God. It's the Christian nation. Christian nation. 85% Christian, a tad Jew, and a couple... Those are not right statistics. Not anymore. What's the First Amendment? This is the Christian nation.

Judeo-Christian values. America the Beautiful is from far... No, that's all Canada. The plains are in there somewhere. I don't know. The above the fruited plains. I say that's... America, America. That's a good one.

God, shit is great. It's good, but it's hard to remember. You're right. America the Beat. Crown thy good with brotherhood. From sea to shining sea. What's the one we do at the football game? That's the Star Spangled Banner. Star Spangled Banner's poppin'. I'll tell you why it's poppin'. It stinks. I'll tell you why it's poppin', because the end, it kicks in. You gotta wait for it. Oh! But at the end...

Oh, say does that star- That part's good. Stand o'er the way. For the land of free. I said that's great. And the home of the brave.

No, see, the thing is, that shows the song sucks. Why? Because we need really good singers to go crazy on that brave part. Apparently. They got to juke it up. Did you show me a really good singer? Not you. I think it's God Bless America 1, America the Beautiful 2, Star Spangled Banner. Star Spangled Banner is 2. America the Beautiful 3. Too hard to remember. None of us can remember it. Eldest?

He wants the Greek national anthem. Or whatever. Where are you from? Argentina? Albania. Excuse me. What's the Albanian? No, no, no. Albanians are getting fucking racked up, huh? Your country's getting attacked, huh? In what sense? There's a genocide in fucking Albania, isn't there? What are you talking about? I don't know. I'm just making sure. I guess there kind of was in the 90s. Kosovo? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, where do you guys stand on Slobodan Milosevic? Who's the basketball player? Yeah. He's on the Spurs, right? What's Slobodan? Sweet shooting five. So we all agree God Bless America is number one just before we move on. God Bless America is number one. I say that. I say Star Spangled Banner number two. It's number two, dude.

I just don't know America the Beautiful. It's just not coming up to me. It's too hard. That's why it's got to be number three. And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea. I actually am going to go with Bob here. What's up, son? Hey, daddy. What's up, son?

I think it's got, it's a, well, it's a Star Spangled Banner written in Baltimore. Let's not forget. Francis Scott Key. Francis Scott Key. He was watching. I'm playing Baltimore this week. Let's go. The port. Go to the port. Go see Bobby. Well, this is Thanksgiving, so. Yeah. Thanks for coming. I'm staying in that haunted hotel. Which one?

The whole city's haunted. The Admiral? The Admiral. I'm bringing a Ouija board. It is haunted. It's fucked up in there. And I'm going to call on Satan. I'm going to call the old fucking Raven. I'm going to call on the Raven Super Bowl. There we go. That's nice. What would you ask for Satan? What would you ask from Satan, Robert? I would say, dude, what's the deal that all these comics that are famous right now made? What is the contract? What's the deal? What's the ins and the outs?

I'm not going to sign it. I'm not saying I'm signing it. I love my life. Right. But what's the deal? Yeah. And he's like, crowd work clips. What? I don't know. We don't know why it works either. It's God. He's doing it. He's doing it. What a twist that would be. Repeat the thing the audience member said. What?

Ask them what time they started drinking. If you're a woman, comic, same man, suck. You can talk about your bloody vag. This is a nice smoke. These are from my friend Maduro down in Sarasota, Florida.

This guy sent me these. These are crown head. These are great, right? These are great, dude. Very nice. These are awesome. Can you talk about this, though? Yeah. Is this different than the sock? What? He wouldn't let me say the name of the sock because he's anti-capitalist. I'm saying if you're going to say a brand name, you've got to pay me. You know what we used to do to guys like those in Bonk? We'd beat the shit out of him on his show. But he claimed... No, you didn't.

He literally rails about capitalism. He's a big socialist. And he won't let me say the name brand because he wants to get paid if I say it. No free. The name brand is hypocrite. That's fine. Listen, he's hanging out here with a fucking Russian. He needs the money. He's Albanian. He's going to pay this fucking plodding meat. Yeah. You know how much donkey meat a month eldest needs? I didn't think he got that hairline.

Hey, listen. Here's the problem with Stavros, and I had to deal with this. Okay, how did this happen? You're late, now it's become the what's the problem with Stavros show. I just want to say, this is the problem with Stavros. This is the problem with Stavros. He got indoctrinated back in the day. He's got this thing, but he's a hypocrite. Okay.

Because he, if you're going to go the way of, you know, hey, I want everybody to have the same and I want people to all live, but he is a piece of shit on another end. You understand? Just because I like to get my dick sucked. This has been your constant contention. You can't be horny and also want, you know, you want like health care. Yeah, but here's the thing is you take it above and beyond horny. You let me

Oh my God, this is coming up. We've made amends about this. We never did. Yes, we did. You never took me out for my birthday. I took you to Korean barbecue. When? I took you out to very nice high end Korean barbecue last October for your birthday. That was pretty good. I apologize. I'm sorry. We had this exact conversation off mic and I apologize to you. Remember when we all went to Mama Santa's? But you guys went to a Vietnamese food before? Yes, yes. I was all pumped. Mama Santa's, favorite restaurant. Joe was talking about this place in Cleveland forever. That's what happened.

They all went for Vietnamese food ten minutes before and I was like dude you guys gonna shit this place is unbelievable We gotta get the meatballs the pizza the pasta and you guys have like fucking the soy sauce We got the extra large

We actually launched far with a nice fucking... I was embarrassed. And then Mama Santa's is like a literal... There's a woman named Mama Santa. She's since passed. R.I.P. R.I.P. She like makes the spaghetti. It takes 45 minutes in the back. And then these fucking jackals...

have like one noodle each to wear a little stuff. We had a 197-year-old Asian woman cooking pho in the back. Well, I also had plenty of food. Now, not as much as I would have normally. But you're talking about me and Bobby in our prime. Yeah, dude, we ate there too. You didn't slow us down. Remember the fucking German place where Bobby was like, I'll just get a couple snacks? And this motherfucker, it was like a...

Sausage place. Where the fuck were we? That was me and you. No, no, he was there. He was on his own gig. Was he? He happened to be there. Was that in Michigan or something? Something like that. Yeah. And you were like, none of us were like, we're not that hungry. And then Bob was like, oh, let's get a couple of snacks. This motherfucker ordered the entire menu, basically. There's pork chops coming out. He got pork chop appetizers somehow. Yeah.

It was awesome. There's nothing better than Bob and his prime. Oh, my God. That tour was out of control. I would order, we went for dim sum at like fucking 11.35. Dude, it was awesome. We stopped. Our itinerary was built around where we were going to eat. That was in Florida. Yeah.

We basically opened up an empty dim sum place and they served just us. But it was a huge deal. The restaurant seated 700 people. Yes, yes, yes. And it was just me and you in there. You had to go up and around and over a fucking, like a bridge. Yes, yes. And you open, they're like,

Yeah, I guess. They saw us and they were like, this will make financial sense. Remember we had a white waitress too? That was weird. That was strange, yeah. Yeah, it's always weird to have a... But it was a very old Asian man who was her boss. That was in the back. Yeah. In a suit. In the middle of the day. This fucking old white trash Florida bitch was serving us. She was sold to him.

We need to get back to white slavery in this country. Her husband lost a kung fu bag. We do need to get back to slavery in a certain way. White slavery. It's going that direction. You'll be happy, huh? Will you be happy? Yeah, I'd love it. You would if there was white slaves. That's what I thought Obama was going to do. He's got one sitting over there.

He's got a very handsome one right now. He's Albanian. He's not white. For the last time. What are you going to do in the upcoming elections? Are you panicking? I mean, not really. There's no good options right now. What are you talking about? What do you mean? There's nothing. They got one? Oh, yeah. Big Donnie.

I mean... He's 3B. I'm on board with the big guy now. Yeah, TTT. You're hired. There's nobody here. Are you going to vote for Biden? No. No. Who are you going to vote for? I can't. I don't know. You got nobody, right? Bernie's gone. We've got some time, yeah. You're going to vote for Big Mike? Mike Pence? No, Michelle Obama. No, she's not running. You're going to vote for Big Mike? I'm not going to vote for Big Mike. These fucking guys are calling her Big Mike. It's kind of fucked up.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, Bob. We'll see. I know what's going to happen. What's that? Tell us your prognostication. I'm telling you right now, it's going to go down. Biden's going to drop out. They're going to replace him with Newsom or Michelle Obama. The country's going to go fuck. I'm telling you. He can't be president. I agree. I agree. He can't talk. Newsom or Michelle Obama. Where the fuck did you get Michelle Obama? I'm telling you, dude. I can't wait to see. I would love to see the websites you've been on recently. Why?

Why? What's so different from the guy from The Apprentice? At least she was in the White House. She grew up around politics. What's so far-fetched? Having a guy... That would be horrible. The guy from The Apprentice was the president. You're saying Apprentice? Apprentice.

He had a little tea at the end of that one, didn't he? Are you one of those? I'd rather not. Are you one of those? I'd rather not be involved. Are you one of those? I'm sorry, I say schedule too. Does that bother you? You don't say schedule. I say aluminium. No, no, I'm not accusing you of being British. I'm accusing you of being a fucking boss freak. I get a reason for that all the time.

You made his own tea joke. I think that could happen. Interesting. And then who do you vote for? You vote for Newsom? I'm not doing Bobby's politics thought experiments right now. Why? You asked me. No, you asked me. But then you said, what do you think is going to happen? And I told you. Okay, all right. You asked as the host of this. Oh, shit. Smoking them is one thing. Ashing on my beautiful Ikea couch. Now rub it in.

I got a bad burn going here. I hate that. That's how you get the ash out. I hate a bad burn. No, you don't. You're good. Smoke it. Here. Smoke your tits. I'll smoke your fucking cock.

Okay, well this really truly is the most Thanksgiving episode possible. Oh, you know what? Let's talk about Thanksgiving stuff. I want to talk about, first of all, on Thanksgiving. I want to talk about five musts. Okay. You've been to my house for Thanksgiving. I have. A great Thanksgiving. I mean, I don't fuck around with Thanksgiving. It was beautiful. When we do Thanksgiving at my house... And I was at a small one. It was like me, you, Norton, and like fucking... And then... Yeah. And then who came at the last...

Monroe came at like 10 p.m. I played the fifth. And then Monroe has played the fifth too. A couple times. Monroe and Derek literally came at 10 p.m. as I was leaving. They were like, hey guys. Here's the deal.

Didn't I just make them plates and tell them to beat it? Yeah, literally. You gave them fucking to-go plates. Yeah, dude, every year we invite... Whoever doesn't have a place to go, we invite them over for Thanksgiving. And every year, maybe two people, sometimes... We had ten people. One year we had...

Who the fuck did we have? Ari, his girl. Louie stopped by. Rosebud and Andy came by. It was actually a really good one that year. That's a nice one, yeah. That was a night we had a little fire outside, but Dawn don't. Look it, I'm so lucky I married a girl who's third generation co-star.

Yeah.

Are you going to do that the whole show? You're going to recorrect everything? No, you're just making up pronunciations. No one has ever been like, It is called my creative license. Okay? It's licensed. What are the five musts, Big Bob? I think, okay, number one,

Turkey. Okay. But you have to have dark meat on the plate. Of course. These people will cut... I've been over somebody's house. They just got a turkey breast. Disgusting. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

I wake up in the morning and when she cleans out the turkey and she takes the entrails, the heart and the liver, I take the liver and I cook it and I have it with eggs. That's nice. It's so good. I'm with you on that. Garlic, a little onion in the liver with the egg fried egg. Go fuck yourself. Little Italian fucking scally bread toasted with extra butter. Holy shit.

And then you got to have a turkey. It can't be parts of the... I don't give a fuck if you're giving it all away. Yeah. If you throw away seven pounds of it. Yeah. My wife will always go... I'll go, what size turkey? The biggest one they got. Yeah, but we're only... It doesn't matter. Get the fucking turkey. It's an optics thing for you. You want to see a big bird on the table. But I want to go underneath it. And I want to get that meat. I like that dark, fucked up meat. That's been...

Basting in the juices. Basting in the juices. I'm not a big turkey guy, but the only one I will have is exactly the meat you're describing. I like an alternate cut, if possible. Alternate cut. I would like the dark. And I'll even... I admit you have to have turkey involved, even though it's not my favorite. Why don't we also add something else? Let's get a steak roast in there, too. A small one, just to have options. Ham can suck my dick. Ham is for sandwiches at lunchtime. Listen, man. Ham is a before... A ham...

can make a ham as long as it's a spiral ham and it's before the meal. If you put a ham next to it, I'll fucking leave. We do pizza and beer. I'm not kidding.

I know he's not. Wait, are you serious? That's my joke. Sarah said it years ago. We always have Thanksgiving. My family eats four things, of course. And we do Thanksgiving. It's an entire family of picky eaters? Oh, my family. I'm not joking. They're like, this guy will eat anything. Like, they think I'm fucking Anthony Bourdain. I'm not joking. Because I eat, like, fish and salmon. I eat spinach. I eat blueberries. I'm not kidding. They're like, here it comes. Send it his way. He'll eat anything. I'm like, this is hilarious. I'm not kidding.

It's like that politically, too. I go there, they think I'm you. They think I'm like fucking Karl Marx. They're like, what's up? Don't say anything around this guy. You think I'm fucking, you know, whoever. Who was that guy? Goldwater. Yeah, Barry Goldwater. Nice pull, man. But anyways, yeah, no, we get turkey and the thing, and we all eat it, and everyone's kind of like, ha, ha, ha.

And 25 minutes later, my dad starts making pizzas in the kitchen. Okay. And I'm like, why don't we just skip the bullshit? We don't like this. Here's what me and my brothers did, right? When it was just, when we were just doing, they were coming to visit New York for Thanksgiving. You went and fed the homeless? No, let's not get crazy. No.

You're divvying it up evenly. We got Korean barbecue to each according to their need. So I had a little more because I'm fatter and I needed more. It's not equal. Spicy pork. Spicy pork belly. Oh, yeah, spicy pork belly. Dude, in fact, when I go to Baltimore, I think we're going to go to Honey Pig where we first fell in love. Our first time, yeah. A couple Honey Pigs myself. Can I just say one thing? You're already in love.

I was. I fell in love. That's true. That's true. You were already in love. Yes, I was smitten, of course. Oh, well, the first day when I came off stage and you were just sitting there with your little glasses, your haircut. Hey, want to go get some...

Honey pig? No, no, no. What happened was you saw me that way and you, look, you're a very generous guy. You didn't kick me out of the green room. I was just some kid doing a five minute guest spot. But you saw how fat I was and you literally were like, the first words you said to me were you, where do I eat? That was the first sentence you ever said to me in your life was you just pointed at me.

And you were like, you, where do I eat? Nothing makes me happier when I was fat is a fat opener or a fat guest spot.

I saw an inch-shaped, good-looking fucking middle-aged boo. This cunt's going to go work out and have a protein bar and fart in the green room. Dude, I tell you what. You got to have turkey. You got to have biscuit. A biscuit. You got to get a biscuit. Respect. Love that. Got to have a biscuit. Got to have... This might not be, but I believe it is a food. Speak your truth. Gravy. Gravy.

Homemade gravy. Of course. You have to take gravy seriously. Seriously. You can't just get the canned shit. You've got to really put some herbs in it. You've got to get the turkey juice. There's got to be chunks of turkey in it. I think you've got to do pepperoni and one cheese at least.

Two cheese, one pepperoni. To mix it up a little. Maybe cut some Slim Jims on top of the cheese pizza. Something like that. Oh, my God. So we have turkey. We have gravy. We have biscuits. I think, and I would just say an alternate meat to the turkey. I would just say you got to have... A lamb.

That is what we had in my house. A lamb. We were a lamb family. If you throw a lamb down next to a turkey, I'm going to salute you. We were a rack of lamb family in my house. Oh, the lamb. Yeah. Lamb would be great. And then you got to have potatoes, mashed potatoes. Of course. But they got to be homemade. Yes. If I see a box. I was at somebody's house. I want to see some skin in there. Dawn cooked at a famous comics house one year. She cooked the whole dinner. Wow. I've taken her on the row with me and had her cook. That's awesome. A couple times. Yeah.

And she cooked the dinner and somebody came down. They were like, hey, we're going to I'm going to get stove, stove top. Was it stove top? And I went, what? I went, hey, listen, I'm sorry for Thanksgiving or just Thanksgiving dinner. I went, I go, my wife's cooking. No, she's cooking everything. She cooked everything from scratch, scratch, everything from scratch.

Yeah, but I like stovetop. I'm like, listen, I refuse. You should leave. I can get down with this guy. Yeah. You like stovetop? I mean, I don't like anything you're mentioning, but I like a guy who sticks to his guns. Give me the cheapest, shittiest version of whatever food you have. No, dude. I was like, it's a third generation stuffing. Yeah.

Stuffing. From the old country. They still bought it. My wife refused to cook it. Good. Good for Dawn. Fuck the fuck up. Good for Dawn. I say a potato. You gotta have a mashed potato. And then you gotta have a vegetable. You gotta throw a vegetable for color. You're losing me now. How about candy carrots? Okay. Bingo? Right? Is that the same as candy corn? No. Fuck. No.

Candy corn casserole to list households. Candy corn. What a shit candy that is. So if you could have your... Yeah, it's not good. If you could have your druthers, what would your Thanksgiving be? I don't have any druthers, just sisters. Hi, folks. Check out my new special, Enough for Everybody, on YouTube.

I don't know. Can we stop doing specials? I like... Stop fucking doing specials. Because you're making everybody else... And we never get to the finish line because you're like, I got another one. It sounds like this is a personal issue, Bob. I'm trying to get new people in. No, there's plenty of people that shouldn't be doing specials. They're not in this room. All right? That's true. You mean most of the people doing... I mean, how many specials are out there? It's too many. It's too many. And when they start...

You can't just shoot one hour that you did and call it a special. That's what's really fucked up. It's like, you know, if you're doing it on YouTube, you got to put some care into it, make it feel special. But it's like these motherfuckers will just do one angle or just the lighting is shitty. And it's just like, give it some time. Let it actually be something. Joe, I mean, Joe actually has a fucking great job. He can piece the one person can pull it off.

Thank you. The one and only guy. One of the few. The one and only man. Every year. Every year. Every year. It's every fucking eight months. It's three in almost four years. Go on. Enjoy your life. Stop writing. I am now. I have a baby now. Yeah, you're going to give it a pause now, right? Sure. No, he's not. He's got a fucking hour of baby shit. I got some baby shit. Yeah. Baby's daddy. I tell you, I went to a hardware store. His next special is going to have the baby on the papoose in the front. There's the whole thing clean.

I went to the hardware store and the lady, she was an Asian lady and she goes, you have a boy or girl? And I said, boy. And she goes, he gonna pee in your face.

And I was like, what? She's like, you changed diaper, they pee right in your face. And I was like, we're in a transaction here. What the fuck? What were you buying? How did she know you had a... Oh, I was with Sarah. She was pregnant. You said it was a hardware store. I was like, how does this bitch know you're a guy? She's like, oh, pee in your face. I'm like, why are we talking about piss in my face? It's true, though. We used to play shit roulette with the diaper because when a baby's on formula, the poop is terrible. It's green. And we used to go downstairs and...

Open up the diaper and it was you know, we'd sit there together and be like if it was my turn But uh, she opened it up and no shit. Well, I was like, yeah pee is great. Yeah, I went yeah, right when I went yeah the baby Maxie diarrhea shit it shot In my mouth

And then, wait. The trajectory. Then Dawn laughed so hard she pissed on the floor. Oh.

Because your fucking pregnant pussy couldn't hold the pussy. People pay good money for this in Amsterdam. That's fucking hilarious. I changed the diaper this morning and it was a fucking gooey, mushy shit. And then later, I finish and I do it. I'm happy. So I let Sarah nap. I come back. I'm holding the baby. And I was like, all right, let me just pass him over. And I look and I just have a smear of shit on my hand. And Sarah's so sweet. I was like, oh, fuck. I got shit on my hand. She's like, it's okay. And I'm like, it's definitely not. I'm rubbing...

fucking fecal matter on our unvaccinated baby. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, that's how you get dysentery. Of course, no. That's how all the babies on the Oregon Trail died, eating their own shit. Wait till they get pubes. He's got some time. What, Max has pubes now? No, I'm just saying.

We were saying Stav should have a baby earlier in the episode. He wants a baby. He came and saw my baby and now he wants a baby. I have friends. All my friends are having kids. This guy just got married. Everybody's married. Here's why you shouldn't have a baby. I don't want to deal with your cunt wife.

What the fuck? I'm not even dating anyone. How do you know my wife's going to be a cunt? I know your wife is going to, this is LB, Ixnade. No smoking. No, come on. The house is going to smell good. No, I mean, the house wouldn't smell good. You have to take your shoes off in the front. Maybe. Your bullshit wife won't let us smoke fucking bats with your baby around. Yeah, fucking bitch. Hey, hope you watch this, you bitch.

Rewind and watch this. You're a bitch. Nobody likes you. And Scobie has no friends. I was just in Vegas. If I get married, I hope you don't think that about my wife. You're right.

I was in Vegas this weekend at the Mirage, which is a complete shithole, by the way. And the lady, there's people walking in with babies on the little, like six weeks old. And it was like this smoky. I'm like, respect. I like that. I like people that are like, I'm not changing nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My baby's as fucked as I was. I'm not breaking the generational cycle. Why don't you adopt? I would love to, actually. You should adopt, like a little...

What would you get? What color? I was just thinking about it. What color would you get? I don't know. You know, you're not getting white. Maybe. Now you don't want to make another privileged baby. My thing with adoption is why not take another... Nobody here is thrilled with their parents, right? So why not take a lottery ticket with somebody else's genes? That's my point. It's like playing scratch-offs. You might get an even... Ooh, nice rings.

You can't do that. No. That mouth can do it. Let me try. Joe can make the arrows to go through my rings. Oh, you did it. Wow. There you go. Okay. Wow. Joe and Bobby, you know,

This cigar is okay, but I just hate that the smoke is coming out hot. I wish there was something, a device, where I could smoke something better than tobacco and cool it down as well. Wait a minute. Freeze pipe. That's right. In fact, I'm going to take a break from smoking a cigar, and I'm going to smoke a beautiful hit off of Freeze Pipe Bong.

Holy shit, that's awesome. Cold as all fuck. Remember when you... Remember when you had to put ice cubes in your old bong as a child? Not anymore. Not with Freeze Pipe. They have the secret is freezable glycerin-filled chambers that come on every piece. I didn't even finish the chamber. I wish... Joe and Bobby are sober. Only Eldest smokes weed on this podcast. Wait a second. Maybe with the power of Freeze Pipe...

Wow, I'll just clear that chamber for me pal No, no you got an uncapped the lighter The letters capped. Oh Look at that. L this is taking a beautiful hit of that. Oh Wow the Albanian dragon himself

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Goes down smooth. It's unbelievable. I'll just get up and scroll the copy down so I know. Enough. I know it's Thanksgiving, but we're still at work here, man. Hits nice and smooth.

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It doesn't matter. We're not going to advertise something else in the middle of an advertisement. But we're going to watch some television. We get stoned off our nuts, off the freeze pipe. Even when we're forgetful, guys, we leave the glycerin out. You pop it in the freezer quick. It cools down fast. Okay, you don't have all that weird ice water melting into your bong weirdly in a weird chamber. This is designed for this stuff.

So, you're going to want to go support Freeze Pipe. And from right now until the end of the month, you can save up to 30% off a huge selection of pipes, bubblers, bongs, joint chillers, and more at thefreezepipe.com. Plus, if you see something you like that's not on sale, use code STAVI for 10% off your entire order. Ah, that was so good. It's rejuvenated my lungs so much. I might just finish the cigar after all, I guess.

That's impressive. Can I ash, babe? Yeah, after that, you can fucking suck me out. That was beautiful. You'd be a great dad. Thanks, man. You'd be a great dad. Oh, we'll see. After this, I'm going to take a little time off, not be on the road. Maybe we'll get a girlfriend. You'll be a nice guy. I mean, you got to ask her first. You can't just come at her. No, no, no. I'm not going to try and get somebody pregnant. But baby steps from, you know. Baby steps.

That's good, yeah. Give him a pound for me for the baby steps? What up? How long have we been going? We probably have to get some questions here, even though this is the funnest podcast I've ever done in my life. We could just do this for four hours. I gotta make sure Sarah's not, you know. What text? What's wrong with her? How far are you away from here? 25 minutes. Jesus Christ. 20 minutes walking. We're at an hour seven. Oh, wow, nice. All right, let's do some questions. Let's get some sage advice.

From my comedy family here. This is comedy Thanksgiving, folks. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. What a great holiday. Does this come out right before? Right before the Monday. It's my favorite holiday. The Monday before Thanksgiving, yep. It's my favorite. I wish we had a week off for Thanksgiving. We should have a week off. That's a good point. I mean, just a week off. We can do what we can. Yeah, we can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday off. Do Native American Indians celebrate Thanksgiving? No, I don't think they do. Are you sure? I'm not sure.

But that's when we all got together and shook hands. That's when they were like, please bring your white civility to my country. I can't wait to wear a suit. They came over. We had the cornucopia. They sat down at the table. We gave them some blankets. Yeah. And then a few of them fucking scalped us. Yeah. They fucking turned on us. Fucking. Started scalping us. Yeah. That's how that fucking genetic gene happened. Yeah.

This beautiful coif of hair, is that what you're talking about? You really carry fucking what shouldn't be carried well. I mean, I was talking to Don about that. You fucking pull off the un-pull-off of it. Thank you. That means a lot. It's adorable. That's exactly what I'm going for. That means a lot. It's fucking adorable on you. Thanks, bud. Whatever you got going on, dude. I mean...

Jesus Christ. But seriously, shout out to all the Redskins out there. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Potatoes. He means Redskin potatoes. All the Warriors. Those are his favorite kind. Is that what you're saying? Okay, but you're going to make it rain. Hang on. Play a fucking question. Hang on a second. Hang on. I think I can hear

How? With my ear. Hey, do you remember when Voss got in trouble up in Winnipeg? No. He was fired. He just, so there was loud Native American Indians up there. Right. Or whatever they call them up there. Canada's always got to make it better. Indigenous. Indigenous, that's the word. And,

And he started trashing them. He started doing Indian jokes. You're going to go home and get mad in your teepee. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he got mad and they ratted him out and they tried to cancel him. You remember when Vostra almost got canceled by the fucking tribe up in Winnipeg? I remember him doing something. I didn't remember what it was. But he outlasted them. Well, he's got three years left. Yeah.

I know. How lasted are they? They went to his Instagram and went, it's not worth it. Oh, fuck. All right, Eldest, let's play some questions. Let's get some wisdom from my brothers here. How good is this cigar? That's really good. What's up, Eldest? So, basically, early on, my...

Oh, boy. Hell yeah. That's awesome.

Like I said, literally soul draining. So much to the fact that I've basically just been chasing that dragon this entire relationship. And she just doesn't, I just don't get anywhere near that level of head ever. Like it was like that one time and now I'm just, I'm just hooked. And now she just uses it like a power against me.

And I guess overall my question is just like, what can I do? What would be your advice to just get some more... I have the answer. Some more fucking head going into choice. I have the answer too. Okay, great. Just for details, I'm more than generous to give, you know. So he's eating pussy. That's good. I'm not, you know, I'm down to clown. I'm very generous, you know, so...

There's no problem there. But, yeah, I just... I don't know what else to do. You know, I just need... I need to get that done, you know? All right, I think we get it. I think we can shave off the last nine seconds. Jesus Christ. Is this fucking Bob Dole? Jesus Christ. I'd rather listen to Biden give a speech. I mean, the answer...

I think we all know. Yeah, he's got to go gay. Exactly. Yeah. 100%. This couch is in agreement over here. I don't know what you're going to say. You got to go gay, dude. You got to go. You got to get a dude. Go to fucking, go to DC or whatever, wherever the gays are. They're in New York now. They got some in New York now. Oh, yeah. I guess, I don't know where this guy lives, but yeah, stalk the streets until you find a fella. Dude, find a Best Buy, go behind it at around 830, quarter of nine. Interesting. You work at Best Buy now? Yeah.

Dude, you gotta go get a dude to suck, you gotta get a guy to suck your dick. Do you agree? Well, I definitely think that's the cleanest, easiest solution. Yeah. It's Occam's razor. It's the simplest solution. It's the best one. Don't use terms you know we don't know. Yeah, please. You've heard, I, listen, that's a shitty move. You know Occam's razor. You can't look like that and use that. Oh, I studied politics in college. What word did he say

earlier they said novice oh yeah I don't even know what that means is that what the terrorists use stop listening to Rogan's podcast Jesus Ahmed's razor not Ahmed's razor you fucking terrorist okay the most direct solution would be to get sucked off by a man thank you but but

period the end move on what's the next question Bobby and I were like get a guy next get a guy all these questions are going to be answered get a guy to suck your dick I guarantee that could be a solution to anything that's asked at every question that's asked at the end I want you to go could a guy sucking your dick solve this problem I bet it's right go ahead have you ever delved in those waters Robert

Has a man ever sucked you off? That is outrageously inappropriate. It's Thanksgiving, you asshole. Apparently you don't remember our tour very well. Fucking suppress that memory, you little chubby queen. This is a job re-infinite. Is that why you started taking Ian on the road with you after me? I took him once. I had to drop that queen off at a poop fucking, a billion tall. He wanted a fucking Asian guy. I was like, what?

It's crazy. Oh, fuck. All right, there you have it, pal. Get a man to suck your dick. Next question. I'm interested in your, whatever you were thinking. Go ahead. I was, I mean, is there a way to get, because that has happened to me before in a relationship where there was one

One girl I was dating sucked me off early in a way where it was so wild that I would think about it and it never came back. And I just wonder if that dragon even exists or if it's like she was just putting in all her soul went into that. All her desire to be in this relationship went into giving head that way. And that's something you can't replicate. Yeah, but if you're going to CSI this or Sherlock Holmes this...

You might go back and, okay, she loved sucking your dick the first time. And then she tasted your putrid, I hunt deer cum. Because your diet sucks. And she's like, getting there again is never going to be the same. But some girls were gifted by the gods to suck dick. I had two girls in my life, three girls actually, three girls in my life that sucked my dick.

The greatest ever. One girl, it was one time, country girl, had a pickup truck. Oh, nice. God, had Levi jeans. I mean, it was a fucking... Mountain Dew bottles everywhere. Oh, my God. She had a gun rack. I mean, sucked my dick on crutches. That's all. Really? Yeah, unbelievable. I remember her. I'll never forget her. There's another girl from...

from fucking... I don't know where the fuck it was. Down south somewhere. Just... She was meant... I believe this too. You're meant... There's certain people you're meant to fuck. Sure. Like some vaginas, I'm like...

This I've never fucked somebody like this. You know what I mean? But you can't be with them. Like it's not it's not the full package. Like you were meant to fuck and then you were meant to shut the fuck up and leave the room. Yeah. You're not supposed to be together. And there was another girl in Boston that used to. Someone's meant to be with that person though right? But it wasn't you.

Yeah, not me. Yeah. Not me. And then there was another girl in Boston that every time she did it, it was fucking amazing. I mean, she just knew how to suck. Now, you could go even deeper. Does she know how to suck my dick? Mm-hmm.

Is she know how to suck my dick? Right. Because what I like, you might not like. True. You know what I mean? Absolutely. I mean, you know. Well, that's what I mean. This doesn't feel like a technique thing, right? His fiance doesn't feel like one of these naturally gifted people that just is good at the technical aspects of sucking dick. Right. My hypothesis is that she... You know hypothesis. I'll accept hypothesis. Thank you, Joe. I do, but I don't... I know it, but...

We're talking about a guy getting his dick sucked in a room with fucking three assholes in a fucking Norwegian. What is he again? What is he? He's about as Norwegian as fucking Monroe Martin.

And so I... Great pull. He's tall, I guess. I just think that, like, she was just... This is a spiritually good blowjob because she was connected to you and in the zone. And to get this back, you need to kind of have a direct discussion and be like...

What can we do to get better head? You can't do that. Why not? But this is a different girl than he's with. No, no, it is his girl. Same girl. I would check your cum, make your cum taste good. Pineapple. You could have a little pep talk and be like, hey, what happened? But that could go south. Why, I'm not doing it good enough? No, no, no. And then now you get a stigma every time she sucks your dick. Is this what you wanted? And it's like, fuck. You got to kind of

maybe try. Remember that time, bring it up, remember that first time you gave me, that was the best blowjob I've ever gotten. You did this, you did that, you look, recall the stuff you did and give her self-esteem a boost. Then she might be like, yeah, I really did suck your dick. I agree with you there. Go back there. But going back to what me and Joe said,

Just get a guy to suck your dick and you don't have to deal with any of this. Yes, that's true. You live happily ever after. Yes, either recreate the magic of that moment. What were you doing? Were you a better boyfriend? Was it more exciting overall? See if you can recreate that. And if you can't, get your dick sucked by a man. Yeah, because guy, you ever watch guys suck dick and like guy for me? All the time.

I can't say that I have as much. It is a... That's how I fall asleep. That's your white noise machine? It's true. Every night I got to go over to Queens and suck his dick so he can get to bed. All right, what else you got? Eldest, let's go, buddy. What is this? What is this system? I've never even seen this. Is this a video? What's up, Stav? What's up, Eldest? Love you guys. Hello, esteemed guests. I'm calling out of Long Beach, California.

The reason I'm calling is I am nervous as shit to meet my girlfriend's parents. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 14 months now. Just in the past couple of weeks that she informed her parents of my existence. And next month she's trying to schedule a little meetup for all of us.

Maybe a little bit of important context. My girlfriend's parents are from India. And that's important because it's my understanding that Indian parents are a little bit more strict about their children's love life. And it may be an issue. I don't know that I'm not Indian. Another thing I'm nervous about is...

My girlfriend's parents have really good jobs. My girlfriend herself is in medical school. And while I make a decent living and have a decent job for myself, I grew up like just a margin, the thinnest margin above white trash. Like I would have been white trash. My mom is awesome.

And so my parents have no esteem or anything like that. So overall, just feeling a little bit insecure, feeling a little bit nervous. If there's anything you can suggest to help me calm these nerves, or if you have any tips for how I should comport myself when I meet her parents, that would be much appreciated. Bobby seems like you have really strong feelings about this. Bye.

I do. Yeah, get your dick sucked by a guy. I mean, I told you to be doing all these. What if he just converted to Indianism? Yeah. Fucking dude. Two great ideas. Just convert, bro. Yeah, convert to Indianism.

Eat some hot foods and use all every spice ever made in the dish. Dude, that's a hard one because Indian parents, they don't want their daughter. They don't want they want a fucking Indian guy. They want an Indian wedding. They want an engineer. They want a doctor. They don't want some kid who just fucking, you know, just got out of what they don't. First of all.

You think her parents are going to come to your mom's house and have some white trash meal in an apartment? You think they're going to have a list family Thanksgiving? No way. No, my family wouldn't take it in India. I don't like it. My family is very nice. Mashed potatoes and Domino's for Thanksgiving? Yeah, he's going to get mad there's no butter chicken. Have you guys ever had to meet a significant other that was like,

you know, more well-off than you. I had to meet worse. I had to meet... It's not even the... It's the culture that's gonna... The money is one thing. The culture is another thing. You know what I mean? Like, I had to meet a girl's real Italian family once. That was...

That was tough. Yeah. The father was a fucking, you know, coming off like an asshole at the beginning. Sure. Wouldn't talk to me. They sat me in the room with them. And you talk to Bobby. And he was like, and it's like, oh, fuck this. Yeah. You know, but you got to put up with it.

You got to put up with it. You got to go there, meet them. But like I said before, get your dick sucked by a guy and you'll be relaxed as pie. Yeah, get sucked off before you meet them. Empty nuts. Try to get your dick sucked by an Indian guy. Then you'll have power. Right, right, right. Here's what I've done. Yeah. Yeah, see?

You said you've had a significant other that was more well-off? Yeah, really well-off. And it was awkward because we met... I met her and her mother at the same time. We were all out drinking, hanging out. Yeah, because she had just moved. Bizarre. And then she...

She just thought I was some guy. Oh, we went out drinking with the comedian. And then I came back for the holidays like four months later and she was like, that fucking guy? And I was under the impression because we were all out drinking that they were drinky family. So I showed up with literally, I'm not joking, like a 12 pack of Bush Light. Right?

and was drinking like out of the box. Like out of the box. And she was like, this guy's an alcoholic fucking deadbeat. I just totally misread the thing. And I think I told you this story before. Just a real quick anecdote. I was in Whitman, you've been to my parents' house. Very blue collar town. It's the used car capital of Massachusetts. And I took this girl, this was before I had been to her house. I remember this, yes. I was like, you gotta see the nicest house. It's sweet. I was like, you gotta see the nicest house I've ever seen. And I took her to it.

And she was like, thought I was kidding. And I was like, look at that beauty. And then I went to her house. She lived next to Joe Sackick, the captain of the Colorado Avalanche. Yes, yes, yes. And she was like, and I was so fucking humiliated. I was like, I'm like, her house was twice as nice. So I've been there where it's a different class and you're trying to be impressive, but just be yourself. You got to just be yourself. You're a good guy, obviously. You're a good guy. Bring some hamburger over.

And when you give it to him, go, moo. I'm kidding. Dress up like that lady with eight arms. Do very serious cosplay of Vishnu. Paint your fucking whole body blue.

Give the parents yoga mats. This is obviously a nice guy. He treats his girl well. And it's going to be great, buddy. Exactly. And here's the thing. If you're a nice guy, you guys have a good relationship. You make a nice living. If they're judgy cunts, who cares? If your girl's the kind of person who thinks that's important, then she's a dumb bitch too. But if she sees that you're doing your best effort... No, you know what I mean? I agree with you. Don't let them well you out of the dumb bitch line. No, no. That's what I'm saying. It's like sometimes...

If somebody sides with their stupid family over you, then yeah, you don't want that person. If they're family's dickheads. I'm not even saying that's necessarily true. You might be all in your head and these might just be like nice fucking people. I'm going to give advice to the girl that you're with. Dump him. Ha ha ha.

Find somebody in your caliber that's not going to work out. He's already freaking out about this shit. Yeah. All right? It's going to be a fucking nightmare every holiday bringing Gary over to your fucking house. And you're not going to have your seven-day wedding. Yeah.

Nothing better than your parents hate me sex. That's underrated sex. That is good. The parents don't approve and they're like, I don't like him. And then you go home and you have some good sex. How do they say it? I do not like him. Don't do it again. No, no, no. Is it that one? I can't tell. Happy Thanksgiving though, Indian. Shout out.

Good fucking pull there, Indian. Love it. I didn't get that till now. That's a good fucking pull. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I had to meet like my college girlfriend who was like, her family was like really nice, well-off,

And I had never been to an American Thanksgiving in my life. So I really kind of played the part where I put on a real nice sweat. First time I'd ever eaten turkey. We were not a turkey family, we were a lamb family. And I had to just like, you know, I was still in college so I could pretend I was going to have a real job. It was before I was a comedian, but I've never... And then one time I met the last girl I dated, I met her family, but...

You know, I didn't have a tooth, but I put in my little fake tooth at the time to really put on appearances. I dressed nicely, and I was just, you know. As long as you're yourself and you're just personable, you're fine. And if they're going to be dickheads, there's nothing you can do about that, but just don't play into it. The nerves are the hard part, and Bob has a bulletproof way of getting rid of those nerves. Yeah. You're good. Suck off a guy. No, no, no. Now you're an extra nerd. Now you're nervous. That's gay. That's gay. That's gay.

I didn't say that. That's crazy. I think you're going to be all right. You're going to be good, buddy. Happy Indian. Eldest, what about you, man? You ever fucking had to really impress the girls?

Any like rich girls' parents? Yeah. And X had some like pretty, she's from like a pretty blue blood family. And I definitely felt the class difference. Like just way poorer than they are. And, you know, I also like, you know, I was less fat, but I didn't know how to hide it. Kind of like I do now. You don't know the tricks. I'm just kind of like a slob. Yeah.

They were always really nice, but I could just tell, like, they were like, I don't know about this guy. Yeah. Well, whatever. Those weren't... You used to go over... You used to... Like, your country showing up with a whole lamb head. Yeah, yeah. You slaughter a chicken in front of them. Like, here's the offering. Yeah. That's all right. Now you're better off, pal. Absolutely. Hit us with another one, Big Eldy.

You're the fucking bitch, Elvis. Stop it, baby! Okay, so... So I've been trying to get my wife of 18 years to do MMS threesome. And, uh...

What?

Hold on, pause this for a second. This guy's literally going to take your get sucked off by a guy advice. I don't know what it is. An MMF? Male, male, female. He's been trying to convince his wife to get gang banged. Anyway, keep going, Elders. This wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. I don't know if that's the guilt. I don't know what it is. So I guess my question is how do I...

This is the all-time call.

This is crazy. I've never had anything like this. This is crazy. There's so many elements that are fucked up. Number one, why do you want to fuck your wife with another guy? So bad. I'll tell you why. Just get your dick sucked by a guy. That's wild. I mean, this is wild. How about this? Get your dick sucked in front of your wife by another guy. Yeah, that's essentially what he wants. Yeah. Fucking do it. So that's not even advice, Bob. He's asking you, how do I make it happen? I'm just patting him on the back.

Taking my advice Didn't even know it He really He's trying to Then the question How do you get over The guilt of cheating On your wife And like What's that Premeditated cheating Yes Not like I got drunk And hooked up No Like I went out of my way I had to Get two people On an email chain To fuck It's like he fucked First of all To want this And then cheat on her Like that It's like you don't even You just really want to Fuck a woman With another man So bad that you'll Cheat on your wife Can I tell you How you get over it Yeah God

Use prayer. I mean... Catholic God. All he's going to do is say, I'm sorry. The one true God. The one true God. I just think you don't get over that. Time can let you get over the guilt. You live with that guilt. You fucking went out and cheated on your wife with a dude. That guilt gets you hard every time. And...

And now you want us to help you get over the guilt? Live with that guilt. Yeah. Not only help him get over it, but then also get his wife to actually do it again. He hasn't even gotten his little fucking dessert yet. He wants more. This is fucking crazy. You got to get your girl to do it. Because here's the problem. Now you're addicted to it. Now it's an itch. Now it's an itch you got to scratch.

So you got to keep doing the cheating thing. So you got to get your wife to do it at least once. Also, this is a fantasy. This is what you do, sir. This is what you do. You get yourself a nice dildo and you create this situation. You have her suck on the dildo while you fuck her or vice versa. So you live in this fantasy. And you did this once. You went out and had a fucking MMF threesome with two other people and you're riddled with guilt.

You're going to feel shitty after this. After it's over, after you come, you're going to be like, some guy just fucked my wife in front of me. Yeah, that's fucking hot. Use the power of fantasy. This is why porn exists. This is why outfits exist. This is why dildos exist. You have outfits and dildos at your house? That's right. Yeah.

He's got a Buzz Lightyear costume. He's got one of those green things, green aliens he puts up his ass. Yeah, get a dildo and fucking simulate this. Because she'll be down for that. Get a dildo and suck on it. And also, your wife doesn't want to do it. Don't pursue a thing your wife doesn't want. It's funny if you fuck your wife and you pull out a dildo and you stop blowing it. She's like, what are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no. That's not our advice. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.

Out of nowhere. Yeah. You just have it under the, you pull it, you're fucking, you just pull it from behind the fucking headboard. You're like, oh. You stick it up there, you suck it off while you fuck her. Yeah, and then she gets mad because you're not doing it right. Let me do it. And then you're in. Yeah, this is, you got some problems. This is fucking crazy. I want to talk to this guy. Who is the fucking people you did the MMF with? I want to hang with this guy. Like, is this real? What are you doing for Thanksgiving? What?

You like stuffing? You like sausage stuff, third generation sausage stuffing? Yeah, you do. You love stuffing. You love the extra stuffing. Like, what I'm trying to understand is like, if you always have this MMF so bad, is the other guy the real thing here? Is he just trying to fuck this other guy and use any woman as an excuse to not be gay? And when his wife wouldn't launder his homosexuality, he found another woman to do it?

But does he want to fuck the other guy too? He probably does. Or does he just want him to fuck his wife while he wants this? If it was a cuck thing, he wouldn't have done this with other people. You know what I mean? Have you ever done that? Have you ever fucked a girl? I'm not interested in that. You never did it? Two girls or nothing. I don't need a guy in the mix. I've never done it either then. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, since you've never done it, what might it be like if you did do it, Bob? About a high-fiving, smiles, giggles. Now, is there a problem if the other guy's dick is bigger than yours? No. No, that's a problem. That's my whole life. That's a success. You mean... Oh, fuck. There's so much ash on the couch and rug. It's crazy. You motherfuckers. It's all right. It's better than sauce.

All right, another question, Eld. That was really something. That was crazy. I've never heard one like that. Usually I can kind of connect, but... Yeah, that's insanity. I didn't connect either. Yeah.

All right, guys. Yeah, Bobby has no idea what that's like. Now that his penis has finally been thawed from a glacier of fat, from 100 pounds of impotence have gone away. My dick looks like one of those Inuits, dude, just fucking all dried up and fucking frozen. Yeah, your dick is what was it? Dehydrated? Yeah.

A Denisovian. I'll fuck off. One of the first men. All right, we get it. How about this? Fuck, what's his name? Who's the guy, the whale? Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser in that movie with Pauly Shore. That's your dick. Encino Man. Encino Man. Your dick is Encino Man. I love that I know dumb things. Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to connect. Robbed at the Oscars. Wait, wait, wait. You thought... Encino Man. Oh, I thought you said the whale. Encino Man.

Oh, the whale was a piece of shit. Total bullshit. That was really bad. It sucked. Me and Elders watched it on the fucking plane. I've never laughed harder. We were next to each other watching this thing. Dude, the end. The biggest laugh I've ever... I've never seen it. Oh, dude. It's bananas. Is it? It's so bad. It's so bullshit. Really? It's one of the worst... I mean...

It's parody. It feels like parody. It's crazy. Worse than The Mummy 3? Yes. The Mummy 3 was an enjoyable time at the movies. Although The Whale was really enjoyable from a I cannot believe this aspect. Every once in a while there would be such an Oscar movie that's such a piece of shit. You're like, oh, this isn't going to be good, but it's so bad I'm having a great time. And we had a great... That was one of the funnest movies we've seen.

It was as cut and dry as something would make him sad and he would just be like... He would just go get... And three different times in the movie, a big point of conflict was he dropped something and he was too fat to pick it up. Three times. This is our life. What are you talking about? I relate to everything you just said.

My pencil broke. You got me there, actually. All right, I'll just... Hi, Todd. Call me from a noisy street in industrial Greenpoint. So sorry if there's any noise. But I'm... At this point, I've put on a good amount of weight. I'm chubby...

but I'm not fat. And I've been smoking for a long time and I'm trying not to smoke anymore. And there's part of me that's just like, I just want to fucking leave into it and just kind of let it go.

Whatever happens, it happens. But my girlfriend loves me very much. Did not expect to hear girlfriend. And is concerned about my health. But we don't know what the pronouns are yet. There's always that part. But my girlfriend loves me very much. You said it too many times. And is concerned about my health. And I think there's always that part of me that knows she's right. But there's also part of me that's just like...

I don't know. Why not lean into it? Let the vices roll a little bit. Wait, I'm confused. What do you think? At this tipping point, health up, stop smoking, or lean into it a little bit? So the question is, he's getting fat.

And he's like, should I stop smoking or should I smoke more and get fatter? And lean into it. Yeah. Dude, don't lean into smoking. Yeah. This is an easy one. Yeah. This is an easy one. Yes. Yeah. Get yourself healthy. First of all, come out of the closet. And I don't mean to say it again, but get your dick sucked by a guy. Well, these last two really have been the answer. Yeah.

You're a gay man. For sure. And quit smoking. You gotta live. The reason why you're putting on so much weight is because you want to get your dick sucked by a guy. I don't understand these...

closeted gay men that live in Greenpoint. You're not like in Nebraska or whatever. Come out. Live your life, my friend, and get healthy. Yes. And in the off chance that you're just a straight man with gay voice, which they're actually one of... A good friend of mine is one of these people. Harrison Greenbaum. We're not really close friends, but I have another gay... You don't like magic? Yeah. I do like magic, actually. Me too. Um...

Yeah, don't lean into this. I don't know what the fuck your point even is. I like that he called me. He's like, hey, Stav, you're a fat piece of shit that leans into all his vices. Should I be like you? No. No, it's one of the things I'm trying to get control of. I've succeeded in spite all of the things you're just... It's not like you get...

It's not like shit goes good for you because you get fatter and do more drugs. No, everything goes good. Like, that only hurts things. So don't... If you have a girlfriend that cares about you and that will support you through smoking, stopping smoking, whatever, take that. If you have a girlfriend that supports you, stopping smoking, getting healthy, and living in the closet... Yeah. She likes that you help her pick out outfits. Yeah. And you steal her hats. Yeah.

I've never been a smoker, a cigarette smoker. I've never been addicted to smoking. But my wife and many people claim the Alan Carr book, The Easy Way to Quit Smoking, is the best way. That's how she quit. That's how a bunch of people quit. Everyone I've talked to about that book say it's insane. I read it. Didn't help one fucking bit. I woke up one morning. I said, fuck it. I took all my cigarettes. I gave them to Joe DeRosa and Dan Soda. Nice. I had five cartons I just bought. Soda quit with the book also. I helped him smoke.

I was with Soder, by the way. We were on our way to a social distortion concert, and he took his cigarettes and wrinkled them up in his hand. He's like, I am done smoking. He threw them in my car, which is a little annoying. He threw them down, and I remember thinking, what a cheese dick fucking idiot. You're going to be smoking by the end of the day. He literally never smoked again. It was very impressive. When you're done, you're done. Interesting. When you're done, you're done. I woke up after smoking...

Started smoking I was 10 then I quit when I got sober and then I started back up like when I was I think 20 Mm-hmm, and I just I mean I was smoking two packs a day Yeah, I was waking up in the middle of night coughing and shit like that But I woke up one day and I was just done when you're done. You're done Yeah, so we're gonna say and when you quit smoking that first day you have to keep saying I quit smoking You can't say I'm trying right here Sam. Yeah, I quit when you quit you quit and

Okay. And every day after that is you're done. You know, you can't. I've been done for two weeks. Now you're done. You quit. It's over. Okay. Quit smoking. Don't lean into smoking. Definitely don't lean in. Yeah. Especially if you're a tub of shit. Trust me. Especially if you're a fat gay piece of shit. But smoking when you talk like that is awesome. Anyways. Yeah, that is true.

I fucking love Tom Segura's new special. It's fucking amazing. I didn't know Segura had so many dedicated gay fans. Hit us with another one, Big Eldo. This is a wordy one. Hey, man. Got a bit of a predicament here. Is this the same guy? Man, need some more thoughts on it, I guess. Do you have a gay voice filter on this? Girlfriend of four years basically told me that

She had an abortion while I was away on work. She found out she was pregnant, took care of it, didn't talk to me about it or give me any options. I would have supported her either way, no matter what. That wasn't great. And about two weeks later, you know, we're trying to, you know, reconcile and do the right thing. And I'm trying to make sure she's okay and take care of her. And, you know, we were going to therapy to talk about it. And she just, uh,

Damn dude.

Super lost, super spiraling, going to therapy, trying to do all the right things, but man, it's, you know, I feel like I just kind of lost my whole life. Good job, good everything, good friend group and all that, but, you know, she was my best friend, so...

any help would be appreciated I can't make fun of this I can't I'll take over for you listen she was fucking somebody else for sure it wasn't your kid and she took care of it and then you wanted to work it out and she was like nah I'm gonna go fuck that guy interesting that is a good that is a very I do suspect it's 60% of that 40% just regular sales yeah there's no look at there's no way she just up and left

It's... Women transition. They don't just cut the... Men dump chicks. Girls, they go to something else. They don't leave something unless they have something. I think that's possible, but I also think this is a fucked up thing that like, you know...

different people take things differently about abortion, whatever. This could have been a... It's fucked up. This could have really affected her. She could have really taken stock of her life and been like, I can't do this shit. You know what I mean? I can't. You don't think that's possible? She had a baby with another dude and killed it.

That's what happened. It could be his baby. It could have been his baby. It's not his baby. If it was his baby, she would have been like, look, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. We got to take care. What was he? Unless he's fucking a Navy SEAL and he was doing a tour for a year. He went away for a weekend to sell vacuums in fucking Cleveland. He's coming back Wednesday. She used a vacuum of her own. You can't wait a fucking couple of days to get to kill the baby. You know what I mean, dude?

I think, yes. You can't wait a couple days to have a fucking convo? Look, I'm saying it's definitely possible. You couldn't jump on FaceTime? I mean, there's a fucking... Hey, listen, I'll let you know. I'm in front of the abortion club. I'm going to get this done. You couldn't... There's so many ways. Look, I know that it's like...

I definitely, I feel for this guy. I'm just saying, we've addressed the she got nutted in by some other guy theory, right? And if that's the case, great. Move on, you know, whatever. That's possible. But in the event that that didn't happen, what would be our advice to this guy? That it was this kid and that she did have some kind of like... I could see it if I was her having like this...

to be like, fuck, like, I really don't want to have a kid with this guy. I don't want to start a family with this guy. So what am I doing here? And I think it's fucked up that she's...

this happened to you just like that it's fucked up that she didn't consult him take his feelings into account in any way shape or form even though ultimately it's her decision definitely she could have talked to him but it's possible that this is just what happened and that it's just like a fucking seismic shift in her and his life and he's like fuck this sucks dick like you're just fucked here like i could see that these are the kind of moments that like

You really think like, fuck, would I have a kid with this person? And if the answer's no, then on some level, why would you stay in the relationship, right? Relationships don't survive these kinds of big things. So you're saying that she probably was probably out of it anyways, didn't know.

Yeah. Flim flam it a little bit. Then realized, oh, this guy almost locked me down with a kid. Right, right, right. I'm going to kill this kid. Yes. And get the fuck out of this relationship. Going to have an abortion, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And sadly, I feel bad for this guy because he's going to take my advice and

and get his dick sucked by a guy. And get his dick sucked. I feel bad. He's going to somberly get his dick sucked by a man just like trying to feel something. He's going to try whatever just to get back. You can't get pregnant from this and kill my child. Yeah. A guy's mouth never gets pregnant, bitch.

I want to say I'm glad you're going to therapy. I feel for you. But also the best breakup advice ever that many people have given is you can't imagine it now, but at some point you'll look back and say that was the best thing that ever happened. Right. And I do think it's fucked up to abort. They live together. It's not like a hook. No, I know. I know. You think something's bad. You think something's bad now, but it winds up being great later in life. Yes. Like, you know, you never know, you know, like the COVID was terrible. But then all of a sudden you got soul joels.

Exactly. Which is like, what the fuck? Pottsville fucking PA has a great comedy club now. Yeah, one day you might be doing outdoor shows behind a train track. Yeah. Yeah. Stavros blows past you and you're suicidal. Yes. But then you get followers from his podcast. Yeah.

You're like, how did this fucking fuck blow past me? It doesn't make any sense. But later on, you plug the special on his show. You get a nice bump. Yeah, it's true. You get a Zoom recorder and you start this whole fucking thing on the East Coast and then they flip right by you and leave you in the dust. You call everyone you know and you go, how did this one get past me? I have fan letters from this fucking pimple.

This guy took me out to fucking Honey Pig. And I paid for five times in a row. You just accept it. Eventually you get over. You start being friends again. Yeah. You hope he grabs his chest live on his podcast one day and it's all over. And that fucking idiot he's with has to find somebody else.

This is no different than Mark Norman, Sam Murill, everyone else, Dan Soder. Keep going. Don't say the other one. You know, it just happens. What are you going to do? You are where you're supposed to be. Lonely in a room getting your dick sucked by a guy. One sellout per weekend.

All the waitresses leave at the leg show. No big deal. Yeah. They never want to take a photo with you at the end of the weekend on stage. And they have comics on the wall that have never played there. You eat your wings underneath a photo of fucking Norman cross surfing while the waitresses get cut.

Yeah, and then you give the waitress a $20 tip and she hands it back. I'm good. You need this more than I do.

It's fine. Sure, you're more talented. Sure. You're funnier. It doesn't matter. The fastest horse doesn't win the race. It's a long distance, not a sprint. It's a long distance to fucking sadness and suicide. But you'll get there. Yeah, I think that's a good, that's a very detailed, maybe a little too detailed of a metaphor, but I think it really works. Absolutely.

So, yeah, buddy, you'll bounce back. Get better, not better. You'll bounce back. Oh, fuck, dude. All right, well, next question there, Eldis. Sorry, bud. I mean, yeah, I agree with you. She really should have...

him, even if ultimately she was like, look, I'm dead set on this. I'm going to have it. It's my body. But like, you got to talk to them. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, the only way that was actually acceptable is like in the 1800s. Yeah. When it took you six months and a season to get back to work. Yeah. I couldn't make it because of the frost. Yeah.

I mean, dude, you could confide in the poor kid. There you go. Sucks. Sorry, buddy. Therapy's good, though. You'll bounce back, buddy. Yeah, you're doing everything you need to, and it sounds like you're in a good spot, and you'll find someone who won't. When something like that happens, we'll take you into consideration. Sure.

What else we got? Any more fun little questions after we've been having a really nice time? You got to drop anything else heavy? Yeah, you want to fucking make the room sadder? I mean, we're literally comic geniuses. We're making the most tragic shit funny. Guys, just straight up suicidal. I mean, what the fuck? I mean, so suicidal he's talking gay. Let's see what we got here.

What was this?

Just for a little context, we had a guy call in that collected what? He had hundreds of guns. He had a fuck ton of guns. And he was like, how do I tell my girlfriend about this? I love them. So yeah, I just bought a bunch of guns. I did. I believe you. I went to New Hampshire. I was like, give me that. Give me that. Give me that. I can't wait till you two fucking come up with your stupid Volkswagen bug bus. I gotta protect you. I'll shoot some guns on your property. All right. So that's a little context. Let's see what the guy, let's get this update. Hit us, Elders.

Nice. That's nice.

He's got an AR-15, but he won't fuck his girlfriend's ass. He's kind of wild with that stuff. He can murder a school, but he won't fucking chicken the asshole. He does, like, ass play, but I'll take out a bunch of Arabs. Fucking wild. He dreams of a black teenager going for his wallet, but he can't even imagine putting a thumb in an ass. Go ahead. With that stuff, to be honest.

Come on, dude. Nope. It's not. It's shit.

Yeah, could you maybe give me some advice on how to make myself deal with it a little bit better or something like that? Thanks. Appreciate you. Big fan of your stuff. Looking forward to seeing you soon, hopefully, man. Bye. Okay, interesting.

So he's got a more sexually adventurous girlfriend. And by the way, all he's talking about is butt. He's not even talking about sexually adventurous stuff. He's just talking about butt stuff. Yeah. That's his only hang up. This is the most conservative man I've ever met. He collects guns and thinks butt stuff is like too... He's a very conservative guy. Yeah, I think you need to open up your horizons, buddy. And look, if cleanliness is a big issue for you, just like, you know, you could be like, if we're going to do some butt... Every gay guy I know has like...

A closet full of douches. Enemas, yeah. They're just like, they know. With their names on it. Yeah. It's labeled. Club Guy 2. Yeah. Young Boy 4. Yeah.

So I think if cleanliness is really a big issue for you, maybe you can bring that up. Maybe you got a little... What was... Trick Daddy was big on getting his ass eaten, and he was a big wet wipes guy. You know, you could just... Wet wipes are good, but it's not... It's inside. What happens is you got to take a shower. And you...

The problem is you're too far into the relationship. You got to eat ass up front. You got to eat ass. Back in the day when I was with chicks, I would always eat their ass and get them to lick my butt right up front. This is where we're starting. You know what I mean? We've been here. We've gone through it. My wife, I've never done any butt stuff to her because we didn't do it at the beginning. And now it's too weird.

You know what I mean? For your second act, your second section. Now your sexual awakening. I don't know if you want to fucking eat a 50 year old ass. I don't know what that looks like. Yeah. I mean, sure. I gotcha. Yeah. Um, I, I, I think you got to go in the shower.

Right? Go in the shower, take a shower, kiss a little bit, and then get in there with a soapy finger. Clean that butt out. You want to use your finger to actually clean the asshole. Well, you're going to realize that the asshole doesn't really have shit in it. You can put your finger in your ass. You're going to go deep.

Yeah, shit comes out and then goes out and then goes back up into your intestine. There's not really... Unless she's holding one in the tube with a fucking submarine. Unless she's got a hot one in the chamber. You shouldn't be okay. Don't go have bonch on and then try to eat her ass. I would say, I would say, let her take a shit. Some nice, yeah, go get soup with her before for breakfast and then fuck her ass. Yeah, you want to, after she drops a deuce...

cleans out, maybe take a shower and get down there. And you don't want to go right in. Maybe clean it out a little bit, but, you know, look around the edges a little bit. And then once you get that taste of pennies. Yep. You know what I mean? That's the pussy taste. Well, the asshole's pennies. Asshole's pennies? Yeah. Pussy's nickels.

She's like, oh, I hear it was metallic. Everything down there is a little metallic, a little changey. Yeah, that's true. So you get down there and lick a little bit, and then you get used to it. And then once the passion, see, the thing you're missing, you've got to let the passion. You've got to have passions. The passion is not there. Passion will get you. You'll eat shit with passion. I mean, I've gone down on some stuff I shouldn't have gone down on. Sure.

You know what I mean? Absolutely. I should have had a flashlight. You know what I mean? Yes. A miner's helmet. Yeah. But passion was there. So you went down, you did it. Oh, and then you come back up. Oh, you got that. Oh, you turned into Robin Williams. As soon as you got me. Oh, I'm fucking your asshole. Oh, I'm fucking your asshole. There's no shit in there. Oh, poop. Oh, you pooped in there. Oh, shit.

That guy stinks. He's dead. Yeah, dude. You're a great guy. I think you just gotta, honestly, you're being a fucking little baby about this. Put a thumb in an ass, dude. I mean, grow up. No one here, I think that's all of our stance here. No one here is anti- I love eating ass. I love fingers in the ass. I don't love eating ass, but I would, I do, I mean, I don't know who fucking loves it. Here's the thing. If the person you're with- I don't even love eating pussy. I love sucking guy dick. I love sucking guy dick.

Get your dick sucked by Bob. Um,

I think if the person responds to it, I like, I love it, right? And this woman clearly likes her ass played with. So she's probably going wild. So I think that would just get me in the zone. I think, honestly, buddy, just grow up. Put a finger in an ass. Eat some ass. Fuck some ass. You're not a baby anymore. You were a chicken tenders when you go to restaurants too? No, have a fucking adult meal. Have some bronzino. Joe does. I do. I also eat ass. I have chicken tenders for Thanksgiving. I have chicken tenders.

But I also think, fucking break up and let this woman be with a guy who appreciates it. Any guy who's complaining that his fucking girlfriend has a bigger sex drive, that's so rare. That's like a four-leaf clover. A woman has a bigger sex drive and you're like, I don't know. I have to go polish my guns. I don't want to fuck your ass. Yeah, why don't you stick a nice gun in her butthole? Yes, that is good.

Yes, put a fucking dildo on the end of a gun. Get a Smith & Wesson .380 and stick it right in her butthole. A nice fucking .380 Easy. Right in her butt. Then lick the end and see what it tastes like. I agree. That's good. I think that's great advice for our friend here. How are we doing on time, Elders?

We've been here for four hours. We just did like two hours. Oh, Jesus. All right. This is great. I got to get home to my child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't pissed since 1985. I have a baby. Do you have a quick one we can go out on, Elders? Or should we just end the episode? Whatever you want. I got a quickie. Are these live? Give us a quick one. No, they're called. They're voicemails. Oh, voicemails. Okay. One voicemail. Go, and while we're at it, follow the boys.

Watch all of Joe's specials on YouTube. They're out there. Yes, please. My special's on PunchUp.Live. One of the fakest sounding... It's on there, too. It's on there, too. Both of them. Future comedy. Uncensored. Uncensored. That is good because YouTube has been getting a little dick in it. They just did a new thing on Meta, too. They're getting more... And Instagram. They're clamping down. Okay. Yeah, YouTube. PunchUp.Live. Guy used to work at Facebook. Oh, yes. I actually keep meaning to message this guy back. You got to...

Dude, anything you want, you put up there. But here's the best part. You get their email. Nice. So you can contact your fans and say, hey, I'm coming back. So instead of working for Instagram so they get all the data, you get it. And you can keep in touch. You know where they are. Love that. In the country. So it's great. Go there, get my stuff. And of course, check out all my shit. Check it all out. And then one day we'll sell out.

I don't know if it's going to happen, Joe, but we'll definitely get one big one and we'll get a dick sucked by guys after this show. All right, Eldis, something fun, no tragedy, something to take us out easy. Hey, Stavi, it's your boy here in Arkansas. And what's up, Eldis and whoever the fucking guest is as well. Let me start by saying this. I...

I am a city inspector in the state of Arkansas. Okay.

And I have no fucking qualifications for this job. You know what I mean? Like, I've never been a plumber. I've never been a contractor. I've never been an HVAC technician. I've never been an electrician. But I'm supposed to inspect all these goddamn houses and be like, yo, these are totally safe. You know what I mean? So...

Stobby, baby, what would you do in my position? Would you be honest? That's fucking awesome. Would you just fucking continue to lie like I do? Way to come through as Arkansas. Yeah, I know. Hilarious. Not helping the stereotype. One of the most racist states. Fact. I didn't know that. Top ten. Okay.

This is sick, though. I love that this guy has this. He just got into a job he doesn't deserve at all. I love it. This guy rules. Just keep doing what you're doing. You got to figure it out, dude. Yeah, dude. Approve every fucking house. Start taking bribes. Yeah. Duh. Yeah, take a bribe and actually learn this face. And make a little note.

But on the note, write funny shit like, I got a huge cock. Yeah. Check. You'll figure it out. You think Eldest knew how to edit? No. He barely does now. He's half retarded. You know what he's doing? He's like,

Isn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire? And have you calling for advice? Yeah, exactly. You're doing the city inspection version of my comedy career. Just keep it moving. Accept every hilarious opportunity that you're not qualified for and do your best. We've been giving advice for two hours. We've pretended a high level.

We're fucking phonies too. At least three people have killed themselves because of us responding to that. Or guys for help. Three people have got an awesome head. Right, right. Yeah, I think definitely you're going to keep doing it. And if you're worried about getting caught, just hire, this is the traditional American story, hire a very overqualified immigrant to just do your job. Absolutely. For half the pay and keep doing what you're doing. You know what I mean? That's what Stav did. Yeah.

I said qualified immigrant. But yeah, we love you. This is the best. Bleep out his name. I don't want people to know. This is what, this is why we killed all the Indians. Exactly right. So this is the perfect way, this is,

for Thanksgiving. This is a perfect way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, you got a job you don't deserve, you're not qualified for. God bless America. Exactly. And God bless Thanksgiving. That's right. That's a beautiful note to end on. Thank you guys for listening. What a show. So fun. Guys, thank you so much. This really was so fucking fun. Thank you. This is my favorite one I've ever done. You got it, buddy. This is so fun. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad I made it. Yeah, I am too. That was beautiful. Thanks for the smokes. Of course. Yeah, those were great cigars, Bob. You got it. Thank my friend, Keith.

Kim. His name's Kim. Shout out to Kim. Where is he? Sarasota, Florida. The Maduro Star Lounge. No, he's white. He's white. He's white. I swear to God, he's white. He's gay as shit. Oh, that's awesome. I got a piss. All right. Bye, guys. Oh, my God. I'm going to die.