#47 - Ali Macofsky
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World 904-800-STAVI.

Call in, let us solve all your problems. We're here, we're in the studio, we're talking, we're talking poppin' stuff. We can't say it yet, what we were talking about popping. Yeah, you gotta ease into it. We gotta ease into it, we're really trying, we've been pretty good about not getting demonetized despite, well I don't know, I don't want to get, you know, we're kind of recording in the future. We have some pretty interesting episodes coming up, but you know, we're gonna save what we're gonna

For five minutes in, I don't remember exactly how it goes, but... Wait, I just had a question just came to mind. Please. When you were saying oppa. Oppa, yeah. Yeah. I just had like five thoughts at the same time. Please, no, great. Oppa Gangnam style? Is it Greece inspired at all? No, no, no. I don't know what that was. But it was interesting to be like, you know, maybe we're not so different. Yeah. Because the Greek people did latch on to that. And they were like, this is interesting. Because I will say, Greek racism towards Asians is like...

almost like patronizing. Like, they think they're like cute little guys. You know what I mean? Like, aw. It's very infantilizing. Yeah, yeah. It's a little bit of that. Or like, you know, obviously, and the only like Asian person Greeks respect, at least,

10 years ago when I was, and I'm only talking about my racist, stupid family, by the way. That's another thing you realize when you're foreign. My whole idea of what Greece was like was based off of my family who are stupid and mean. You know what I mean? And I met my friend's family and they were just like,

You're polite. Yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong. My family has incredible hospitality. Mm-hmm. You know, Allie, I bet you're pumped about the NBA season coming back just like I am. And I have very good news for you and for our listeners because the DraftKings Sportsbook has you covered on all your first week NBA is back action. That's right.

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You know what I mean? Like, if you met, like, a mythical creature, like, if you, like, helped a unicorn, like, if you led a unicorn to, like, a nice pond to have a fresh drink, you know what I mean? And you'd be, like, this is awesome. That's how, like, my aunt would be just staring at, like, a little Korean lady eating souvlaki. She would just be like...

You know what I mean? Like giggling and being like, you know. I'm not going to say what they would do with their fingers, what parts of their faces they may or may not stretch out and laugh behind somebody's back. I'm not going to say that. But yeah, it would be like, but it would be incredible. Don't get me wrong. They would take care of you. They would just, you know, be kind of rude or, you know, not even rude, but just like be so delighted by...

An Asian person? Like, I really... That's a great question. I don't know if my aunt has ever seen an Asian person. I don't think so. I mean, the Olympics? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Athens had the Olympics in 2004, that was probably it. But it's like, they don't have any, you know...

So that's question one, Opa Gangnam Style. No, no relation, but, you know, good song. But then I was wondering when you said Opa, the whole tradition of like breaking glass, did that start, like are Greeks like clumsy and they're like, let's just make this our thing? Did they play it off? Yeah. I don't think so. I think it's actually pretty related to...

I think I've said this before on the podcast, where it's like, the first person I ever saw make it rain in a strip club or rapper tradition is Greek people at a family, like a wedding or a baptism, because it's just like...

you're just like showing off, you know, like, yeah, I'm celebrating so much. I don't care. I'm going crazy. I'm rich. I'm doing good. And I think plates is that similar thing. If you don't have money, you're like, well, I don't have my own money to burn, but I'm fine.

Now I gotta get new dishes. So that's kind of money. You know what I mean? I really think it's basically that. It's showing off that you're having such a good time, you don't even give a fuck. You'll just shatter all your plateware. Fine china. Yeah, yeah. Which I guess if you take it now, people could be snapping laptops. Just like, you know what I mean? Like getting an iPad. We need to update that for what's cracking their Apple Watch.

A lot of good stuff. But you don't get, it doesn't feel as good as throwing a dish. Is that like a real thing? Like people are actually doing that and like not as a bit anymore? Not only is it a real thing, but, well, my mom literally asked me today. She texted me. She's in Greece right now. My cousin's getting married, so I'm going to Greece. By the time you hear this, folks, I'll be, me and Neldis will be on the sandy beaches of, I won't say the island. Oh, you're going to? Just in case.

I'm going to Albania for a week before it. Okay. But, yeah, we're going to meet up in Greece. Yeah, and then if he clears quarantine and is allowed into Greece, he'll come to the island. Well, they'll let me into Albania, no problem. They'll let you into Albania, no problem. Quarantine, Corona, whatever. No, no, not Corona. I mean Albanian quarantine. If you pass. Watch the Albanian off of you. Yeah, Eldis has to line up, get fire hosed, hold his nuts. I got to get de-loused. I know.

50 Lakhs before coming into the country. But yeah, he's going to Albania and then he's gonna... We got a nice little crew. Another friend of ours was meeting us there. We rented like some nice... I did ask to be your plus one and you didn't respond. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, it's actually... We don't have the space. Damn. But, you know, if something changes, I'll let you know. I'll be there. Yeah, yeah. I'll be there. Yeah.

It's going to be an interesting wedding. I don't want to... You know what? Some stuff is not for content. This is for... But I am looking forward to it for sure. But the point I was saying is my mom... Greek people use something called Viber. That's the app they use to communicate. Oh, okay. Which sounds like an off-brand, like a gay hookup app. Yeah, absolutely. It sounds like fake Grindr. Like Viber sounds like... It sounds like, you know, Glamour.

for Android is Viber. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, it sounds like a gay hookup app where you don't touch each other, you just use toys. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah, just vibing. Yeah, yeah. It's like, you're right, maybe it's like a less, it's like for gay nerds.

They're like, look, we can't just meet up and get... You won't find me on all fours, asshole pre-lubed on Viber. That's Grindr. They take it slow. Viber, maybe we have a little salsa dance. You know what I mean? We play some merengue music and then we kiss for a long time. It's beautiful. Yeah. Anyway, my mom, on that app, my mom texted me...

Bring the toys. Yeah, she was like, bring the butt plugs. She texted me to bring...

She asked for at least $200 in ones to toss for the wedding. Wow. My mom is ready to make it rain at my cousin's wedding. And she was like, I can't believe it. I forgot the $100 bills. Do they not have ATMs? I don't know. Well, euros are the $2. It's all up until $2. It's coins. So to make it rain, you're just fucking whipping dollar euros at it.

You leave your wedding with a black eye. You're like, fuck. So, yeah, I think that, and there's something about, yeah, I know. The euro also, it's like that plasticky money. It's not for making it rain. No, there's no, like, it doesn't fly. It doesn't feel nice. You can't do this. That nice paper dollar. And then what happens, like the bride and groom at the end of the night, they just have to sadly sweep up. You sweep up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, bride and bride, you fucking bigot. Oh, my bad, my bad. I didn't know they allowed that. How dare you? Yeah. Wait, so you're going to a big fat gay wedding? Big fat gay Greek wedding. Where's that movie? I'm trying to pitch it. Damn. I'm trying to pitch it right now. If I have to get sucked off by one of my cousin's gay friends to get it greenlit,

So be it. I'll do whatever it takes for Hollywood. So now, do you worry? Because I'm always, in my family, if they were making it rain at a wedding, I know that me and my dad would be swiping our feet on the floor. Your dad would absolutely have a shop vac going. Your dad would run a shop vac through his pant leg, and he'd cough. He'd be like, to try and get the sound. He would get the quietest shop vac possible, just...

He's sunk up as many dollars as possible. He's Joseph in a Ghostbusters costume. He's like, guys, look, I got fireworks for the bride and groom. And while everyone's distracted, he's just... Does anyone do that? No, it's very poor form to steal the bride and groom's dollar bills. Not to my dad. When we were little kids, we would do it. That was always a fun thing. The person who always does this is like,

Like a four-year-old. Yeah, it's really cute and you might let him keep you know Yeah, exactly like a four-year-old doesn't like I gotta get hundreds Yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely remember being a little kid and and trying to steal yeah trying to steal my but yeah there it is really funny because you do have like some old guy on sweeping duty and

Yeah. Just like, but they put the, they put everything in like, you know, garbage bags like a stripper at the end of the night. It's really cute. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm excited for that. I got my Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to be packing light. What's the weather going to be like? Just nice, I hope. I mean, you know, it's Greece. Greece now is so great. I mean, if it's not on fire. There's always like wildfires in Greece because it gets... People think of Greece as like... I mean, you only think about the beach, but it's like kind of arid and deserty. So it's like if there's not enough like rain...

Like, I feel like every year I go, some part of Greece is burning like fucking crazy. But, you know, hot as shit, beach, I'll just be lounging. I'm going earlier than the wedding and I'm not telling my cousin so that she doesn't make me do anything. Yeah, that's smart. You know?

I'm just going to show up the day before the wedding. They're going to be like, you're so tan. Just got here. You seem relaxed. Yeah, yeah. I had a really nice, easy flight over. But, yeah, I am... It'll be nice. I mean, I haven't... I'm trying to think. I haven't really gone to too many weddings. Most of my friends are... Losers? Yeah, they're just like not... They're losers. They're just scared of being married. I had one...

Went to one, like, college, one wedding right out of college. It was really fun. Accidentally, I accidentally did, I was trying to micro-dose acid, and I just regular-dosed acid. And me and the fellas were fucked up for that wedding. But it was so fun. I'm like, you know, I'm like dancing with the groom's mom, just on acid. I'm just like, you know, flirting with his mom, being like, telling his dad I'm going to fuck his wife, stuff like that. Fun stuff like that. They loved it.

I won't say their last name, but it was the groom's father's name was Dick and I called him Big Dick. Yeah. And he got a kick out of that. That's great. You had

You have to. If your name's Dick. Big Dick. No one was doing it. You don't want to be like Lil Dick. No, no, no, no. Well, his son, well, whatever. I don't want to say who. I mean, it doesn't fucking matter. No one will be able to track these people down. But he has someone in his family. Someone in his family. His son is named after him. And we would call him Lil Dick in front of his dad, and his dad loved that. His dad loved not only being Big Dick, but having a position of authority over his son, really, and letting him know his dick was bigger than his.

Same guy let us go in his hot tub. It was just...

Seven bros in the tub. That's beautiful. Just sipping on Bud Lights. Yeah, college was pretty fucking wild. Are they still married? Still married. Oh, that's good. I know. I know. Really good. Yeah, I feel like a lot of college weddings don't... People get married right out of college. Yep. Just don't... It doesn't work out. I had a friend from high school who got married and I wasn't invited to the wedding, but they were like, you can come and crash the party thing. Yeah.

And it was like a bunch of people from high school. Wow. And I kind of like... Was it recent? This was like...

Four years ago. Okay, nice. Or no, this was probably three years ago because they had the wedding at the height of Corona. Oh, wow. Nice. It had been rescheduled once because of COVID. And then the second time they're like, we're just doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was, I would say like maybe three years ago. Okay. And it was so many people from my high school. And so I was like, I'm not going to go to the 10 year reunion, but like this will be, this is like my moment to kind of shine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let all you losers know what's up. Yeah. And it was so fun.

Yeah, you did. Oh, yeah. You went in on them. Everyone's like, how's Holly?

It's great, bitch. Thanks. Yeah, it was great. That's awesome. And that's interesting, too, because you were going completely sober. You're sober. Yeah. So it's just revenge. It's not even having a good time. No. It's just like show up, look better probably than you maybe ever have in your life. Like how much did you try to look hot? Oh, so hard. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I wore like a sexy little, classy little dress. She won't be trying too, too hard. Yeah. And then I, and it was nice. Cause I like, I just got to go to the fun part and then I left kind of early. So people would be like, she probably has to get back to doing big stuff. Gotta go open for Rogan in a, in a arena. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry I can't stay out late. I had to do a 15,000 seater, but...

But have fun at your real estate job tomorrow. Was there anyone in particular? Was there like a person you really wanted to get revenge on? You're overdoing it for effect? Yeah. I respect real estate agents. I felt bad as soon as I said that. I'm like, there's nothing wrong with being a real estate agent.

We need you now more than ever. It wasn't even like, it was honestly, I think it's, I like overcompensated by like pretending to be a bitch just now. But honestly, it comes from a really sad place where there's like three guys who I was like in love with in middle school and high school. And then they were so repulsed by me. So I had to just go back and just kind of be like, hey, Trevor. What's up, Trev? Hey, Trev. I'm looking hot now. Yeah.

And you look like shit. How did they look? Were they looking good or bad? You know when you're in high school or middle school and your taste is just so awful? It's just like a guy who has a Justin Bieber haircut. Of course. And you're like, this is my husband. No, it's like little kids are going by the same prison rules, essentially. Yeah. Where it's like, whatever's at your school...

It's not like... It's just like it's all ranked. Yeah. Right? It's a zero-sum game. So it's just like just some guy will be, you know, that's... You have that and then you want to fuck like Harry Styles. You know, it's like those... It's your school's Harry Styles. Yeah, your school's Harry Styles. It's like you are the Harry Styles of high school. But how are they looking now is my question. They look fine. Yeah, they look like they did in high school. Like, they're cute. They're cute, you know, but... No one's downfall has come yet. But if I had...

Yeah. Because that's my favorite is, you know, waiting on the downfalls. Yeah. Although I didn't really, I didn't have too many enemies in high school or anyone that I really, it was more same thing where it's like, I just wish any woman would, girl in high school would have not even had sex with me, just like show me your titties once. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like one girl from high school would have just been like, you know, giving me a little smooch.

That would have probably done it for me. But, yeah, it's not like I really want anyone to... I'm trying to think if there's anyone I want to... There was one kid who was like... I didn't get in many fights, and I got into like... He was like this scrawny little kid, and he just was like... I don't know. I would obviously have a big mouth, right? I would roast people. And I think he was just... People would roast him in general. He was skinny, skinny.

effeminate child in Baltimore City Public Schools. And, you know, a lot of homophobic slurs. Not by me. A lot of homophobic slurs were hurled at him, you know. And I don't even think he was gay. I just think he was like a slight, you know, a kid who like couldn't... He was just like a skinny kid. Yeah. And for some reason... And look, it's like...

It's every man for himself in high school. So it's like, I think he was just looking around and he saw fat and white. And he's like, all right, I'm not doing good with anybody here, but maybe I can get the fat white kid. You know what I mean? And so he went after me. He went at me saying really crazy, out-of-pocket shit to the point where I was like, everyone was kind of like, what the fuck? I was like, I just have to hit this kid.

Yeah. Like he was saying that, that level of fucked up shit to me. So I was just like, I just like, you know, I still remember it. And it's like, it got broken up fast. And I was kind of embarrassed because I'm like, damn, he got to me this much. And like, you know, I had anger problems and my dad had anger. I hated when that would happen. So you're just sitting there in that post anger thing. But I was still like, fuck that kid. And for years I harbored this grudge. I was like, that kid did not have to go after me that hard. And then...

I worked at a community college and I, some, I was a testing, at a testing center at a community college and I see basically people, this was maybe like, you know,

Six years after it was a shitty job. I had while doing comedy So be like maybe six years after school and I see a name that's sort of familiar. I'm like, oh, that's interesting I remember and I he and I'm like who the fuck is that? Did I go to like school with him? Because I was like I was gonna have to check him in in person and

And I search his Facebook because this is the Facebook era. And it's the same kid I got into a fight with. And he is jacked now. He is like fucking like 250 pure muscle. No way. Yeah. He might have had a growth spurt. And he looked the exact same. He had the same baby face. He was one of those kids who had a really short...

Like, even when he was young, he had kind of like just stubble, you know, like a really, and now he's just completely bald. He just looked like this, he was a jacked bodybuilder. And I saw that and I was just like, hey guys, I'm going to go to lunch real fast. And I just completely ducked this kid. And I even like waited.

I even waited and like I knew how the community college was laid out I knew a place you could like watch people go to the testing center and I was like just like a sniper you're like I was such a coward and I

I fucking wanted to see him enter and be like, fuck, it is him. Like, I was, part of me was like, I can't be him. And I was like, and then I just, and then I think you can like look up even like his info because it was like, I worked for the school and it was like from, you know, I was like, fuck, this is the kid. And I just like waited for him to fucking leave. Dude, I bet, I bet if you like stayed there and like saw him and talked to him, he would have been like, I wouldn't be this jacked without you. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you, brother. Well, one other time he kind of snuck up. It's not like I was a good employee. This is one of those jobs you do when you're doing open mics and you're hungover. And one time he did, much later, he actually checked in. And I didn't even see the name or anything. I just saw him and I was just like...

I just, I kind of froze. I was like, hello. And he was like, I think he looked at me. I also looked different because I had, I, it's really funny because I had long hair in high school. Like, I actually look closer to high school now. Like, obviously I look like shit. I look like the, I look like, you know, my life went bad.

for 15 years. You know what I mean? And then you go up to him and you're like, this is because of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been tortured. I had like, without balding, I just had long hair. I had like stubble, whatever. I didn't have any, I didn't have glasses. And by the time he saw me, I was rocking everything, completely bald with like these glasses. So there's a chance, he didn't see my name, right? So there's a chance he didn't know who I was.

And he just... We kept it very polite. But then just seeing him in person, I was just like, that really is him. And he still had... It was funny because he did have...

Again, not he's not gay. I'm not being from for being gay, but he had a weird little voice He was so jack and he still had that weird little voice and part of me was like, you know Even when even being scared of him physically now, I was like fucking pussy. Oh my god little bitch-ass voice In my head, of course in in person I was just like your test is at the back of this room three, sir. Good luck. I

please see my colleagues. They will be proctoring and you should have everything you need right there. Thank you. You know, but man, that's the one. It's so funny to have like one enemy from high school, I remember, and he just completely dominating me. Like just jagged, beautiful wife and kids. Yeah.

I'm just like fucking doing open mics, working on fucking, he's going, he's getting like some kind of accreditation at a community college to get a better job. It's so funny because it's so easy to convince yourself. Like you see that and you're like, he's doing good. But in your head, you're like, no, I'm crushing like five open mics tonight. Like he doesn't understand. Like I'm really grinding. I am in the top 25% of Baltimore open mic comedians. Very soon I will be working at Magoobie's Joke House regularly.

Fuck. Yeah, that's... But everybody else, actually, I do kind of... I just... I liked my high school. I just didn't get pussy. That was my one thing. That's tough in high school. It's very tough. That's like the one thing that you want. That's the one thing that you want. That's the one thing you want. But at least I didn't have enemies. Although I do wonder if I am certain people's...

Like, it's not definitely... In my head, it's like the Liz Lemon 30 Rock episode. Do you know that episode? Do you watch 30 Rock? A little bit. Well, there's an episode where she talks about how she was always, like, bullied in high school or whatever. And they just... She goes to her high school reunion and it just flashes back and it's like, she was just an awful nerd who cut down people and everyone... They were afraid of her because she was a bully. Yeah. I hate to say there's probably a little bit of that where it was like, I did...

Just that same thing that gets into me when it's like sometimes I'm just shitting on someone on stage. It would happen to me in real life and I just couldn't let it go. And when I'm on a roll, it is awesome. Yeah. It feels so good when you just have good one after good one. I just couldn't stop. I'm sure certain kids hate me, but...

It's all good. On my end, water under the bridge. So let me know if you want some tickets. We'll be in Baltimore second weekend in October. Free tickets to the Thursday Late Show for you guys. Just Eldis at Stavi.biz if you want free tickets. If I bullied you in high school, Eldis at Stavi.biz, and please have proof. You're like, hey, if I bullied you in high school, I have no bad blood. Just wanted you to know.

On my end, we're good. We're all good. Water under the bridge, brother. Elders, do you have any high school enemies? Do you have anyone you'd love to see perish? I don't have any enemies. I do remember there was an informal reunion a year or two after we graduated and stuff. It was at some bar in Baltimore. Of course. Yeah.

Went there and like I walk in I'm like where is everyone? It's a pretty big place I think there's like a little side room I go into this little room that was booked and the first thing I see is like my ex from there and her like new boyfriend who was just like some like 400 plus pound dude probably and there and there as a couple there she had a type I

Well, you know, hey, he's fat, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I walk in there, and the first thing I see is, like, them doing couples karaoke of Idiot Boyfriend by Jimmy Fallon. What? A Jimmy Fallon song? I'm like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah, it's crazy for you to get such a win that fast after high school. Yeah, which, you know, I didn't have any bad blood with her or anything, but I was like, okay, this just feels great for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you didn't have bad blood, but it was neutral. Yeah. Right? It wasn't even good. You don't even wish her well. It's not like I was heartbroken for months and months after we split. Yeah, but that feels good to be like, oh, you're a loser. You're losing the fucking breakup, and I'm not doing good. Like, it's like, Eldest has scored one point.

It was like one and you're like, I'm sure she's put up better points than this. And it was like, no, she's at negative two somehow. Her life's gotten worse. I've done nothing to win, but my opponent has just done so much to lose. That feels very nice. I ate alone in the bathroom in high school. You what? I ate alone. You ate alone in the bathroom? What? Yeah.

But it wasn't like I was being bullied. It was like me thinking like, it was me on some weird sad shit where I'm like, no one understands me. Yeah, yeah. I gotta be alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one gets me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was really weird. In the bathroom. There wasn't a better place to eat alone? No, I don't think

I did it for very long. But a few times. Yeah, because I think it was like I must have not had a car at the time or else I would have just eaten a lot in my car. And I had teachers that I liked and I probably could have. But I think, you know, too, did you guys see that like Cole Sprouse interview with Alex Cooper like on Call Her Daddy where he's like, can I smoke cigarettes in here? He's like, artists are twisted. I think I was like going through that in high school. Didn't you go to school with those kids? No, but they were my neighbor.

They were your neighbors. Their grandma was my neighbor. Because I saw you posting pictures of those kids from like big daddy age. And I was like, it was little ass you. And it was so cute. You look just like, some people just look like a little version of themselves. So it was just like, there's no mistaking that it was you. So it was adorable to see little you. And then like, what the fuck? The kid's from big daddy. What the fuck is this? Yeah, it was my fourth birthday party. They were there? They were my first birthday party. Yeah.

Yeah, they... They must have been big celebs at the time. Yeah, but I think when you're

when you're a kid, like, it was cool for the parents who were at the party, but I think when you're a kid and you're that young, you're not really, like, hip on the who's who. And especially, like, in Long Beach. Like, it's not like some LA, it's, like, very much, like, just suburban Long Beach. And little kids, it's this thing where it's, like, seeing someone on TV is cool, but it's, like, seeing, like, a friend. Like, when little kids, like, see Mickey, they're like, oh, what's up, dude? But they're not, like...

You know? So it's like, even if you knew that they were in a movie, it's just like, oh yeah, whatever. Some people are in movies. Like, babies react to famous people the way everyone should react to famous people. Oh, okay. Like, oh, cool. And then just, so what's up? You guys like cake? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But then I saw them, 'cause they would come over to our house a lot, 'cause they were closer to my sister's age. So if they were like with their grandma, they would hang out with us and play and whatever. And then I was working at this shitty job in LA

And I was working like the register or whatever. And one of the twins had come into the restaurant with his dad. And I was like, I feel like I should say something. Like I wasn't like geeked up. I was just like, oh, this is crazy. If you saw an old neighbor, like if you just saw any old neighbor that walked into your restaurant, you'd be like, hey, what's up? So I'm like, okay. So I was like...

Hey, one of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, this is so random, but I was neighbors with your grandma. We used to play back in the day. They were like, okay. Wow. Acting like you were a fan. Yeah. It's like, first of all, relax. It hasn't gone that good since Big Daddy. Yeah. Okay? You peaked then. Yeah.

I get it. Riverdale, whatever the fuck for one of you. Even if that was the twin that I talked to. Yeah. And you don't even know. I don't even know. It's like, I'm making a human connection to you as your old neighbor. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. I'm not star fucking. One of those twins has like an Instagram account that captures people trying to take like sneaky photos of him.

Oh my god. And it's like, it seems like he hates the fact that people recognize him and are fans of his or whatever. Right, right, right. And I am someone just being like, we used to, and he's like, not that either. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just an asshole. And also not that. Yeah, no one talked to me. Yeah.

Can it happen that much? I don't know. Can the sneaky pictures happen that much? This ain't fucking Denzel. You know what I mean? We're not talking about... Yeah. Like, again, let's like... I mean, I get it. It happens, like, whatever. It is weird when someone will... I don't really check my DMs, but every once in a while, I'll just... I'll pop in. I got logged off.

Twitter on my phone and it's been the best thing that's ever happened to me. I just didn't log back in and I can only look at it from my computer and I'm not really on my computer. But I'll just go fucking strolling around. Like I like to just walk for exercise when you're so fat. Walking is like running a marathon every day. Just going on a nice long walk.

And people will, every once in a while, I'll open a picture and it'll just be somebody taking a picture of me in my tent. Your face is just red. I'm just fucking sweaty in an outfit exactly like this. I just walk around in a tank. That's the problem. I can't. That's the thing. If you're one of the Sprouse twins, you could disguise yourself. You know what I mean? You could get a haircut. You get a haircut. You wear some fucking baseball cap. You're fine, right? Yeah.

It's hard. I would have to do a lot not to look like me. You know what I mean? It's not even worth it. It's like, fuck it. I'm not going to dress different and get different glasses and get a wig to go to the fucking grocery store. If you see a guy that looks like this, it's probably me, right? So I'll just get like a weird picture of somebody from like...

Just a picture of me just from behind or like from a side and I'm just with a backpack on taking a walk. Yeah. It's like, what did you accomplish for that fucking picture? What? And it's like, okay, you want to take it. Fine. Why send it to me? Like send it to your friends and be like, LOL. In fact, you know what? I'm actually going to switch places.

I'm going to switch this completely. I'm going to switch my idea completely. Don't post it online. Don't send me. But if you can sneakily take a picture of me and show your friends and be like, LOL, stop eating a fucking croissant.

That's actually perfect. It's fun for the group chat. Sneaky pictures, actually, if you're sneaky enough, great. Yeah. That's totally, you know. So, I don't know. I would just back off. And it's just, it's a weird move to make an Instagram about something you hate. Because you're just, you have to think by making that Instagram, you're kind of...

telling people, you might get on this Instagram. Totally. Take a sneaky picture of me. Yeah. You're only perpetuating it more. Yeah. It's fucking, yeah, that's weird behavior. But yeah, that interview was so, in fact, when I did Tim's show, I did Tim Dillon's show, he played it. It was fucking hilarious. Yeah. That interview was just like,

come on man this is fucking crazy. Insane. You think smoking cigarettes is cool? But you know what? Being 13 that's fine. And I'm sure when you're a child actor you do get emotionally stunted at a certain age so it makes sense in that way like me eating in the bathroom alone it's like I need this as part of my like fuel. You know? And so I'm sure him being like all artists are sadistic and twisted. It's like yeah because

you have baby child actor friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just getting to the emo phase. Yeah. You're just getting to that phase where you think everything's so, because you had one minor setback. When you're like 14, it's just like, you embarrass yourself for one second and you're like, oh, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Oh,

- Okay, this is dark, but did you ever try and like, not jokingly, but like as a kid, try and like kill yourself, but not in like a... Like in a funny way. Like in a funny way that's not sad.

Like in a really silly, happy way. Like, how would you... Like, I'll give you an example. Drown yourself with one of those flowers a clown has. Waterboard yourself with one of these. I remember being really little. Sorry, I got a couple more. Yeah, yeah.

Jumping into a bathtub with a karaoke machine. Singing your favorite tune. With a toaster, but for like a Pop-Tart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were those called? Toaster strudels. Yeah. Nice, warm toaster strudel. You're singing fucking Jump by Van Halen. And you're, jump!

Into the bathtub to just electrocute yourself to death. That's a couple fun little whimsical ways babies might want to K-T-S.

I was, I definitely had like, I didn't, I never got to that, but I did write some of the like. Sad poetry. Yes. I had like a notebook of like this weird poetry about wanting to kill myself. And I remember my, I remember my church weirdly was,

Kill yourself night? Yeah, they were like, if you're gay, here are your options. No, no. It was some kind of like therapy thing, which you don't think about church having, but that was the first time where I was like, oh, this is...

Everyone doesn't kind of think about. But I never did anything fun. Why? Did you have a nice, whimsical little kid? Yeah. Yeah. I just remember being sad and laying over my bed so all the blood would rush to my head. And I was like, this will do it.

This will do it. It's all over after this. Or just like, you know, when you're young and you just have so many emotions. Like, do you remember the video? Like, it was like a viral video a while ago of like the kid getting so angry he's like shoving the remote up his ass. Like, you know, when you're just like so angry you don't know what to do.

I've never seen that. Oh, my God. That's so fucking awesome. He's shoving a remote up his ass. He's just screaming. He has this remote. He, like, throws it, and then he picks it up, and he's, like, shoving it up his ass because he's just, like, he doesn't know what to do. It's awesome to be, like, to do the math and be like, yeah, this is the thing to do. Like, throw the remote, man. You're angry. You're angry.

I guess that's the thing. I never really got to throwing, putting things up my ass. I would usually just break. I came from a very break things family. Okay. Like, that's the thing. Opa. Exactly, yeah, yeah. That's where it comes from. Maybe that is where it comes from. Like, one anger thing, somebody playing it off. But we did a lot of throwing shit. We did a lot of smash controllers in my house. A lot of, like, the traditional, you know, hole in a wall type of thing. But you didn't ever, like...

do one of these. Or like, I think I, yeah. Or you know what I would do actually that was kind of the same thing to like rush the, I would like hold my breath. Oh yeah. Get like red as fuck. And like my eyes would start hurting and I'd be like, I can do it. That's true. I would have to get so angry though. It would be in anger that I would, that's, you just brought back my very mild, very mild suicide attempt. Yeah, that I'm talking about.

Yeah. One time I did pass out. It was fucking crazy. My eyes hurt so much. From holding your breath? When you do that, everything kind of gets fucking red.

But, yeah. Fuck, what did you just say before that? I don't know. I don't remember. Did you guys ever used to pass each other out with your friends? Like, me and my friends would, like, go chill in the basement. And we had this mattress down there. And it's, like, your friend stands, like, in front of you. They put their hands on your, like, neck like this.

And you like take like 10 deep breaths. You hold the last one and then they like hold it. And like you just pass out and you wake up on a mat. You're like, whoa, that was fucking awesome. You want to go next, John? I think we might have talked about this last time I was on the pod. But I'm like, it's very indicative of why I had to stop drinking. Because in middle school during P.E., we would just take turns. You'd like spin around in circles. You'd hold your breath. Yes, we did talk about this. You do that and then you'd pass out. And I was like, I got to get more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did talk about this because then I remembered spinning around. I think I told the anecdote of how

I snorted Adderall to spin around in a chair and play GameCube upstairs at a party. Like a party was going on. A bunch of people were like, let's smoke weed. And then eventually the girls left and we just stayed there and, you know, goddamn, such loser behavior. It sucks so much. So fucking embarrassing. It also sucks because I'm like, oh, high school, you're young, you're stupid. And then there's things from like four years ago where I'm like,

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm too old. It's over. I know. I'm really struggling with this right now where I'm just like, damn, this is... No one thinks you just grow up to be the guy that still is like this. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, one day I'm a cute little kid and then...

I'm fucking fat as shit, 34, this hair. You know what I mean? Like, not dating anyone. Like, I'm dating younger people. I'm like, how did I become this guy? How did I become just, like, how do you become, like, the fat piece of shit? Where it's like, no one dreams of this. Who still gets fucked up. Who still just doesn't sleep, doesn't have a good sleep schedule. Who just, like...

You never think you're just going to keep acting like a little ass kid. You think you're just going to be a good, like as a little kid, you're like, well, you grow up, you have a family and it's like, damn, I'm about to be 35, still just acting a fool, you know? Yeah. And then you see the people who do have families and you're like, oh no, you're also like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. In loser mode. Like we're all just in loser mode. Yeah. Who, what is the right way to behave? It's tough. It's tough to say.

One of my brothers is such a, like, he is such a pure family man that I think, but also he has no mental illness. He's just a good, nice person. That's cool. And so I think maybe that's how it should be. Is you just like, you actually just want to have a family and you love it and you love working hard. He loves his job. Yeah. He's really good at it. He's personable, you know. But that seems kind of hard. I feel like almost nobody behaves that way.

And I think like doing embarrassing stuff is still fun because then you look back on it and you can acknowledge that it was embarrassing. Like at the time, you're just like, no, this makes sense. I'm like aware of what I'm doing and I won't look back on this and be embarrassed. And then you look back and you're like, oh, that was embarrassing. Of course it was embarrassing. But it was like obviously what I wanted to do at the time. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. But, you know, sometimes you want to do really dumb bullshit. Yeah. You know? Like when I had shaved my head. Yep.

I liked it fully shaved, but that growing out part was so fugly and terrible. And I'm like, thank God I was just delusional and so confident. Because looking back, I'm like, how did I have friends? Why did people still talk to me? It was weird. I remember that. I was like, oh, that's funny. I remember when you did it, I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. That's funny. She's going to do this. And I thought you would have this exact thing where you're like, why did I do it? Like, it felt like the kind of thing that...

Not every girl does, but like half girls do where it's like they think it's going to work for them. Yeah. And the bowl, exactly what you're saying, the completely shaved thing is a cool look, but the middle grounds are so weird. One of the spiky. The spiky middle grounds. And then I was just bleaching it and it was like so, it looked like a Barbie doll that had been cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that when you were an extra in Shia LaBeouf's art piece? Oh, yeah. Is that what your hair was like? Uh-huh.

No, it was, it was, I did that afterwards and I kind of tricked myself. I was like, oh, I'm going to shave my head and like, kind of like have a fresh start because that was really embarrassing. Oh, you did it after the show. I did it after. Anthony DeVito was just here and he was talking about how he like would hang out at that show. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he did a thing where, yeah, that's, DeVito was there. Okay, I need to talk to him. You should talk to him. I was telling him, we should both, we should have you both on. Because that was truly like when I was talking about embarrassing things as an adult, that was the only thing I was thinking of. And then, yeah. Which was what? Can you give a little backstory to everyone? Yeah.

I sipped some of the Shia Kool-Aid and... And you were, what, you were 22? 22 or something. Yeah, I don't know. Wait, when did Trump get elected? Because that was like, that was what was happening. Oh, it was the... That was like what ignited the Shia thing. Shia standing up against Trump. Yeah. You were part of an anti-Trump... It's so embarrassing. Shia LaBeouf led...

A demonstration at the Museum of the Moving Image, right? Yeah. Wait, but what year was that? 2015 or 16? So what's the math on that? I don't fucking know. Eight years? Seven years. So I was 20 years old. Okay. I'm 20 years old.

I'm in New York, one of my early trips here to do comedy. And, you know, comedy is just at nighttime. During the day, I see a Shia LaBeouf pop-up thing. He will be there. You see it just on the internet? Yes. You follow Shia? Yeah, it was like on Twitter.

or Instagram or something and I was like fuck like I could like meet I could just like kick it with fucking Shia LaBeouf you were a big Shia head at the time I was a big Shia yeah always Eagle Eye was that your thing Holes Disturbia of course just Holes was a great book as a kid I loved that shit yeah but I fucking love Shia yeah

He was, it was at the, it was definitely that was where it was like, okay, it's over. Yeah. But that was, he was still pretty high up. Yeah, and he was just doing weird shit. Like, it was at the time when he was doing, like, the bag over his head and just being a weird fucking. And he had the thing where you could just do anything you wanted to him. And he claimed somebody raped him, I think. Yeah. He claimed somebody, like, he did an art piece where you could just walk in and do whatever you want to Shia, and he said, like, I think a lady sucked his dick or something, which. Yeah.

Just like you could say no. Like, how deep are you trying to go? Art is that. You love art that much that you're like, anyway, whatever. But I think DeVito might have gone to that and he would just go and like look at Shia LaBeouf. Yeah. He was just doing whatever. Well, so then I'm there during the day and I'm hanging out and it's like,

I knew that it was a 24-hour live stream. They had like a CCTV camera on the wall and it was a live stream. But in my dumb little baby brain, I'm like, yeah, people have to be watching it at the moment and that's it. And then it's gone. I forget that like anything that's online stays forever. Oh, wow. So I'm just dumb. So it's there. We can find it right now. Oh, yeah. Let's not do it. But...

Next time you come back, we'll have that ready to go. We'll have that footage ready to go. It's so painful. And I'll still get... Was it like chanting? Yes! It was like fucking Hare Krishna, first mile above.

given me a robe and I would have been like anything. Anything. Like I was like surely after like a year after this like it'll die down and I still get messages being like he will not divide us. I'm like fuck. That's right it was he will not divide us. So bad.

Well, sorry, you're probably going to get a handful of those after this episode. That's fine. That's fine. You know what the worst part is? Yeah. If I saw online that Shia LaBeouf was back there today, I'd be like, I'll go. You're in the neighborhood. I would go. I would learn nothing from the last time. Just fully red-pilled, like, he will not fucking divide us.

Trump bad. Shia good. Shia pilled. Eldest, look up Shia. Just see what the newest... You can pull it up. It's embarrassing. What's the newest word on Shia LaBeouf? What's he up to these days? I think he's sober. He's doing interviews with John... What's that guy's name? That bro dude? John Leventhal or something? Oh, John...

Bernthal. Bernthal. Who is that guy? He's incredible. He's an actor. He was the Punisher. Okay. He was in... I think his first thing was The Walking Dead. Okay. He was in that. He played a great... He was really good in Wolf of Wall Street where he played that guy that sold pills and lifted weights and went to jail for them. Oh, yeah. That was my entree into him. And then he was just in the... David Simon did...

Like a mini series about the Baltimore police. That's kind of like almost feels like a wire like.

coda or whatever um what the fuck was that called all this we own this city we own the city really good he nails the baltimore accent i must say better than the baltimore accent you know like the like oh my god like that is it similar to philly it is very similar it's a they have their own little nuances but yeah it's that weird you know what you know east coast white trash kind of has it honestly i

Pittsburgh through Baltimore. There's like the cousins of it all the way up to like Jersey, honestly. But yeah, Shia. And I guess he's... So is he in that movie Megalopolis? The Coppola movie? Isn't Jon Voight like...

Wasn't he a big Trump guy? Yeah, yeah. See, so I did all this for Shia's anti-Trump shit, and now he's working on John Boyd. So I guess Shia might be in a huge movie because Francis Ford Coppola is making his first movie in God knows how long, Megalopolis, that...

Has a lot of butt. It could be a huge... Who knows? Shia might be back. Shia's back. Shia's back. Would you... You think so easily you would have... Oh, my God. Is that what he looks like in the movie? He looks like fucking Johnny Depp. He looks like current day Johnny Depp.

Anyway, whatever. Yeah. I'm excited for Megalopolis. But anyway. So you 100% would have joined a Shia LaBeouf cult at the age. I mean, that was a cult. I literally went. But if he was like, come back to the compound. No, I think I'd be smart. But maybe I would go, but like in disguise. Were you sober already? I was sober. That's right. I don't know.

to do. I was in New York and yeah and like at first it was really cool because like Shia's just fucking there. But then it's like but then it's like well now I gotta kind of like really get into it. Yeah yeah now I gotta chant. I was just fully yeah I was chanting and then he's getting arrested and I'm up at the camera. I'm like he will not divide let Shia go. Fighting for this man.

Wow, former child stars really have a hook in your life. Whether they're ignoring you at a Mexican restaurant. But it truly all goes back to that high school thing of being like, I just want them to love me. I'll do anything. I just need Shia to love me. Oh, apparently three weeks ago he made a rare public appearance to join the Holes cast for 20 years. Where was it? Shia, it's me. Shia, do you remember? Do you remember?

Okay, big Ls. Why don't we do a couple... That's very... Next time we'll have the video pulled up. But why don't we... Let's ask some questions from a couple... Yeah, if you want my advice, I make really good decisions. I've never been embarrassed. I'm very cool and chill. But that's it. We need advice. You can't just get advice just from experts. You need a couple...

You need the perspective of a dumb bitch every once in a while. Oh, wait, but you know... Wait, I forgot to mention this. Please. So after the Shia thing, he gets arrested. I'm there. I'm right in the front. I'm putting my hand up. I drew a heart on my hand. Like, you know that video? You know that? You have a heart for Shia? Yeah, and you know...

You know that famous image of the girl with the flower and the gun? In your mind, that's what you're thinking. I thought I was doing that. You're thinking in images like that. Yeah, I'm like, this is going to be huge. This is going to be iconic. This is going down in history. Shia's army, I'm the leader. And so it was obviously in the news, like Shia LaBeouf arrested. And so I'm a part of this video now. Right. And I'm on the train.

And this old couple, very old, the guy's looking at his phone and he keeps looking at me. And then he turns to his wife and he's showing her and he's pointing at me. And the wife just looks up and goes, Shia LaBeouf? And I was like, fuck. And so then I did shave my head shortly after that. For a fresh, clean start. Fresh, clean start. Yeah.

Wow. And they just said Shia LaBeouf. What was their vibe? Just very old. They might have been tourists. So they were just looking at the news and they saw me and they were like, Shia LaBeouf. Wow, good for you. Damn.

So, yeah, if you need that person's perspective. Yeah. Yeah, you know, can I stop you right there, Ali? I know we talked about it briefly at the beginning of the episode, but the NBA season is back, and I'm so pumped, and I just want to talk about it. The wait is over, folks. Basketball is back.

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gaming resources. Get ready to get it, folks, because it's happening. Eldis, why the fuck don't you start us off with a nice question here? Hi, Stove. I am a big fan of your podcast. I'm coming to see you in Cleveland in October, so very excited for that. I have a question. So I'm a 23-year-old

I just got out of a long-term relationship. He broke up with me a couple weeks ago. I am single now for the first time in four years. We were together for four years. And then before him, I was in another long-term relationship for four years. So just kind of back-to-back. Pause. This is the first time I've been, like, single. You're 23. You were in a relationship when you were 19. Okay, that's fine.

And then you said from 15 to 19 is your other one. That one doesn't count. Let's just start there. 15, that relationship. But whatever. Anyway. It counts if you're 23 and you've been in relationships for your whole life. That's a good point. But I also think 15 in a relationship I feel like is very indicative of your future relationships. That's a good point. Especially as a girl because it's like at that age I feel like

It's like you can find if you're the type of girl that really wants to be a relationship. I feel like that's out there for you. You can decide to be in a for you. Like you're basically once you give a 15 year old boy pussy, unless he's like some kind of, you know, like the 10 percent of like sociopaths, it's just like.

are got pussy getters from who knows what fucked up thing happened in their childhood that made them like womanizers at the age of 14. If you give a 15 year old boy a crumb of pussy, he will pledge his soul to you for the next 10 years. So yeah, that's true. It's indicative of the kind of person she is. And also when you're 15 and you're in a relationship, you're so emotionally like underdeveloped that that relationship, like you're growing in that and that like,

It's like you're like a hermit crab in a much too small shell. Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's like what you know about relationships going forward. Right, right. True. Oh, man. There's like a... Just a family friend. Like, it's funny to have like, you know, your family and people you grew up with, extended family, like you see their kids. Because like now people my age are starting to have kids, but...

It's like you're... The equivalent of like an older cousin or like a... You know, they had kids way before. And so now they have like teenagers or some of them have like... I went to a wedding and I saw...

Babies. People I remembered as babies that she's a fucking teacher now. Yeah. That fucked me up. I was like, damn. And look at me wrong. I was like 10 or whatever. But still, I have a clear memory of this person as an infant. Yeah. And she's a... Not even going to college. A fucking teacher. Anyway...

Some of there's so there's some kids they're in like, you know, there's like one kid who she's in like she's like 13 14 And it's so funny how things change where it's like now she's making tick tocks About how her current boy like she can't wait to get married to her boyfriend It's like that cute little shit of like you're 14. You really think mm-hmm

You're going to fucking end up with this person. And it's like, so that's fair. It's like, it is indicative of who she is and kind of how she's programmed. So, okay, point rescinded. Go ahead, Elde.

relationship for four years. So, um, just kind of back to back. Um, this is the first time I've been like single, single, I guess, in a long time, um, with no prospect of getting into another longterm relationship, which is good. Um, but my, my question is, is that I, I've been trying to go out, trying to get out of my shell a little bit, very bookish, um, kind of a nerd, but I, I'm hoping to get out there, put myself out there. Um,

pour it up a little bit. But my advice, my question is that I feel a lot of guilt when I'm out there, when I'm talking to guys, when I'm getting hit on or hitting on people and having a good time. I feel a lot of guilt about my previous relationship and that I still kind of feel like I'm cheating on him. But he broke up with me and it was tough, but

I just still feel like this weird allegiance to him. And every time I think about like going home with a guy or doing something with another guy, I just kind of still feel that like prickly, you know, prickly feeling. And I'm really hoping to get over that. So if you have any advice for me, just as a single 23 year old, just let me know. I'm a big fan of the show. Thank you so much. Bye.

She sounds so sweet. I know, I know. She sounds nice. Like, I'm almost like, damn, I want you to just get married and have a nice family. You know, like, I don't want you out in these streets. You sound too nice. You deserve the best, Quinn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so, I mean, you're a 23-year-old who's just gotten out of a relationship. And look, you obviously shouldn't feel that guilt, but that is human, right? Like, when you're out of a relationship, when you care about someone, people...

People just respond different ways. Not everyone is going to go out and want to fuck right after, right? Like there's that thing of like the rebound where you have all these fucked up feelings where you're just not really dealing with anything. So you just go out and you fuck and then you, I've experienced this where I'll just like go fuck immediately and then I'll be like, what have I done? And then I'm like sad and I don't want to fuck for like two months. I don't want to fuck anybody else. Cause so part of that is you're young and four years when you're 23, you're young and

Like that is half of your, I mean, yeah, you've been in two four-year relationships. That's essentially all of your

possible dating time, you have spent 50% of it. It's 50% of your dating life is with this person. And also through like college and the beginning of being a regular adult. Those are very important moments. You've probably shared, there's a lot in that last relationship that you're still probably trying to get over. So it's like, I think a little bit of that guilt is fine. Like a little bit of that like,

This doesn't quite feel right. And it's not going to feel super right for a while. So that's just, I think that's a little natural. But you do just kind of have to get over that. And you do just kind of have to like,

You know, either let it fade, I think, naturally or just like, look, sometimes you're not super ready for it. Like, you know, it's just like if you find somebody that you think is nice, you're having a good time. It doesn't have to be anything serious. You just want to go let loose, get your titties sucked on. You might feel a little bit of that, but it's like that goes away after every time, I think. It just goes away naturally, I think. I don't know. When you were a 23-year-old...

Did you ever have this issue? No, I mean, I'm like the complete opposite where I like avoid relationships at all costs. But I think like if you're... You never had a problem just having a good time. Yeah. Too good. Too much fun. Too much fun. Yeah.

We covered your DUI car crash. Yeah. In a previous episode. We know you were a good time at 20, I guess. That's the other fucked up thing. It's like... It's funny to reminisce about that, about shit you did when you were 17. You're literally like a little ass kid. Yeah. You're just like... But I think like...

Because this is so different than me, it's easier for me to give advice about this, I feel like, because it's so far removed. But I feel like you get in such a flow, and especially when you're young and in a long-term relationship, it is still very much like I was saying about the high school thing. It really is part of your personality, is being in a relationship specifically with that person. Yes, yes, yes.

And so I think it's just a matter of time to, like, get over that. My only worry with her... Right into a relationship. ...is that if she's having fun and hooking up, like, her natural instinct is to, like, settle down with someone. Yeah. So you have to be aware of that. Right. And when you start getting the feelings, like, maybe...

It is someone that you will settle down with, but try and, like, keep just the fun, casual part going for as long as possible. I do think you probably, this person, you, the person we're talking to, should institute a loose rule of no relationship for a year or something like that. Yeah. And look, obviously...

if you meet someone and you think this is it, that's, that's, you know, I'm not telling you if you feel like you've met the love of your life to be like, sorry, a podcast told me I have to suck six more guys off before we're together. But institute, like make it the, make it the like tiebreaker. If you're not sure about someone, be like, eh,

I'm gonna stay single for now, right? And I think, and it seems like she wants to do that, but I think you're very right where it's like, because I'm similar to you where it's like, my default is don't get in a relationship and I kind of have to fight that

Even when I like someone and when it gets to a serious point, I have to kind of like override my own neuroses and be like, shut up. You like this person. Give it a shot. You're being a dumb piece of shit. And our friend here has to kind of do the opposite. It's like they are really nice. You are having a good time. But should you really be with them exclusively? Yeah. So I think you have to be cognizant of kind of your programming. Yeah.

The guilt thing I think is natural. You do kind of get over that. I mean, you just... It's the same thing though. It's actually good practice for overriding what we just talked about. Because it's like, you're going to have to just like...

At a certain point, you can't let those feelings win. I'm not telling you seem like you're already in the position where you want to go and have fun. So you're over the breakup. At least it seems enough to put yourself out there a little more. So there's really no there's really no advice other than you. Sometimes we have to override our kind of emotional relationships.

Yeah. With like what we know is right. And you have to do that here with the guilt thing and just be like, you know, and the more it's just like anytime you make any switch, it's a little fucking weird at first. Yeah.

It's going to be a little fucking weird. Well, and I think because she was in two back-to-back long-term relationships, I'm sure she brought some of that first relationship into that second one. And so it's like you want to be able to have all these experiences, get to know yourself better. That way, the next time you do get in a relationship, it's like a whole fresh start instead of bringing Brandon and Jace into this relationship with you. And that's a good point.

It's not just about dating. It's also about you in yourself, right? So she's saying she's kind of bookish, kind of a nerd, wants to put herself out there more. It's like, is there other stuff you can do to make... It's cliche, but it's like the dating yourself thing feel real, where it's like, do you want to fucking... Are there hobbies you want to take up? Is there stuff in your life you can fill it with where...

Fill in that part that you are so used to having a dude there. Fill that up with like shit you want to do for yourself. You know, it's self-improvement. I always say like any kind of like goal is good because watching progress happen makes you feel good. Yeah. Like I always equate it to lifting weights or like when I'm focusing on losing weight. It's just like even though it's, you know, even though I think...

You don't have to be like, I don't subscribe to traditional beauty standards. It still feels good to lose just to see a number go up or down in the right direction. Like, is there something you want to get into? Your book, you know, you said your book is your nerdies. Is there some non-nerdy shit you want to do? Is there like, you know, some kind of like fucking, I don't even know what it would be. I'm such a simpleton. For me, it's just literally, I just want to get fucking jacked whenever I have time off.

Uh, but is there like some kind of like, I don't know, I feel like nerd girls take like a hip hop dancing class or like a pole dancing class or like, yeah, burlesque or some shit like that. Or like, you know, I don't know, whatever the fuck it is to make you less nerdy and more of a, more of, you know,

to get in touch with your not nerd shit. I'm not going to tell you to go, you know, don't go to grad school, but like go do some shit, like do some fun other shit. Something that would like make you a little bit uncomfortable. A little uncomfortable. Yeah. And maybe enhance the fun part of your life. Yeah. Maybe it's even like fucking taking bartending class or some weird shit. I don't know what it is, but like, yeah, some shit like that. Whatever you want to do, fill in that gap with self-improvement or self-whatever, self-stuff.

that the relationship is and then give yourself just override the cheating thing first of all your homework from us is to just go fuck somebody like that's that's number one you gotta get one out of the way it's gonna feel weird it's probably here's the other thing that sucks is a woman it's like it's probably not gonna be good what fifth what would you say the percentages are of guys you fucked where it was like just the sex was a good experience would you put the numbers five percent five percent

For me, sex is like doing a show. I'm like, time to put on my performance. Fine. So you're looking at a nice... And look, Ali's way more fucked up than you. You're probably going to get to numbers that are up to even 30, 35%. But yeah, it's just go out and have, you know, kind of...

Give yourself these little rules where it's like try not to get ensnared in a relationship. And truly, there's no good advice other than override that guilt thing. It's the same thing where it's like anytime you're scared to do something new, it's that feeling of like, yeah, exactly. It's like that guilt is kind of like that feeling right before you're about to go bungee jumping or something. You know what I mean? Where it's like, oh, I shouldn't do this. But it's like, just fucking do it.

It's fine and then once you're over it you're over it And you know you'll be sucking and fucking In no time You'll be sucking and fucking In no time flat But you know good for you We believe in you you sound very nice And we're all rooting for you Now I get why she's in these long term relationships If I met her I'd be like I'll be with you for four years You're nice Yeah yeah you're really nice Let's entwine our lives

Hey, Stavi. So basically, me and my wife, we got married really young. We were about 20 years old. A couple months into us getting married, we were having problems, and she moved out for a little bit. Probably about a month into her moving out, I slept with one of my coworkers, and she finds out. Because we were broken up, because we were separated, she said she forgave me, and she wanted to move on and move past this.

I wonder where this is going. What?

And I just am not very comfortable with it because even though, yes, I was the one who slept with somebody else, I'm completely loyal now, but we're back together and she seems to be the one that, you know, is not loyal anymore. So my question for you would be, do you think this relationship is irreparably damaged? Do you think that there is any way of us to, you

you know, make things better or should I just move on? I mean, I know I'm still so young. I love this girl. She's my high school sweetheart. I don't want things to end, but at the same time, I can't keep going on, you know, being cheated on. So, yeah, what do you think, Stavi? I appreciate it. Damn, this is a hilarious question. By the way, you know he's worked this, he's, like, thought this over. There's this dry run for having this conversation with his wife. Yeah.

Though I know I am the one who did engage in infidelity prior to, your current behavior is making me very uncomfortable and I am questioning our marital vows. Even just that last line, I mean, I know I'm still so young. Yeah, you guys are fucked. I mean, first of all... It doesn't have to be over, but you can tell. It seems like both of you don't really... Exactly. And here's the thing. If we take...

the word married out of this, if this is not wife and husband, our advice immediately is this is over. But because they're married, it kind of puts that psychologically, it feels a little more serious than it is, even though they're just two dumb ass kids that got married way too fucking young. So if we take marriage out of the equation, you have, you were in a, well, it's kind of hard to because

The fact that you slept with somebody when you were married, even though you're separated, that's a big step. And only a month. And only a month.

Not even a month. I know, I know. Here's what's going on. You fucked up in a big way doing that, right? Even though it was like ethically okay. But I don't think it is, though. That's the thing. They weren't divorced. Like, they were... But it's like they're on a break. They were going through a rough patch. You could rationalize, like, sure, that, you know, but... There's also those breaks are always like this, this like...

it's almost like both both people are kind of betting on their on their relationship where it's like

If we get through this break and no one fucks anyone, that feels good. But then you know... And then it's like, well, if we both fuck someone, it feels bad, but we can continue. The worst possible thing happened here where one person fucked someone and one didn't. And that just in general is kind of hard to come back from. But I also think we're dealing with signs of immaturity on both parts here. I mean, you just doing it is so immature and shows that like...

You definitely weren't ready to get married. Because if you are one month into your marriage, or whatever the fuck it was, you can't make it four weeks without... You're not so sad. Like, what we were just talking about with the last caller, where it's like, after a breakup, sometimes you're so distraught, even when you can legally fuck somebody, it's like, you feel too bad to do it. The fact that you weren't feeling that way when your marriage was on the brink...

Like at the very beginning that you were thinking about getting pussy instead of repairing your marriage that just started. Big fucking problem. Red flag on your part. But yes, let's say that, yes, you can rationalize this. And even if you can't rationalize it and you did just cheat, but she did.

forgive you and you guys are building... Because that's the thing that everyone always says about cheating is like, if you guys are gonna... If you're gonna get back together after somebody cheats, you can't... You have to let that go. You can't let that be kind of hanging over somebody's head forever because that's... You can't have a relationship that way. So you were immature in immediately cheating the second there was any...

Any problem In your relationship And I think she We're seeing a little Immaturity on her part Where she's like Alright I just want to Get together I'm fine I want to get over it But she didn't mean that Because it's easy to say I forgive you Yeah It is very hard to Actually in your bones Forgive someone And like That's happened to me In the past With past relationships Where it's like We started Rocky

And it was just like, even though we built, like, kind of a good relationship on top of that, that rocky-ass foundation, that can just go at any moment, and it's not really anyone's fault. You're just kind of always, always at the mercy of that thing not going. And sometimes it doesn't go. Sometimes, you know, sometimes you could live a whole life on a rickety-ass foundation. Yeah. But sometimes a fucking...

a slight breeze blows and that fucking whole thing is toppling over. And by the way, you guys have a one-story shitty shack on top of that little foundation. You don't have a good life built together on top of it. It feels like you're not really in it. It feels like she said something and her actions are proving something different. Doesn't feel like either one of you is that invested. And again, you're, you know...

You're young as fuck. If you weren't married, we would tell you 100% this relationship is over. So it's probably over. You know it. You're just kind of... I mean, look, if you do want to work on things, you could have a conversation. The opposite way is...

If you want to, like, take this opportunity and mature, because that's the thing. Yes, you're a dumbass 20-whatever-year-old, but the way people grow up is when things are hard, you actually rise to the occasion. If you wanted to rise to the occasion, what you do is have a real conversation with her and say, look... Basically say what you said to me, where it's like, I know I really fucked up. I'll regret it forever. But...

If we are going to, if we're going to, like, move forward, you can't, like, you either have to forgive me and not behave this way or, like, we have to come to some kind of agreement because I feel insecure in the relationship. And if I hurt you too bad where this is not going to happen, I understand. And I'll be sad about it forever. I don't think you will. But he won't. He won't. Yeah, yeah. None of this will happen. I'm just telling you, if you want to, if you want to, you know, put on your best...

I don't even know, you know, if you want to go put on your best, like, plaid button-down shirt you bought from Marshalls in a box. You want to put that on and really sit her down and then have a really fancy dinner at Carrabba's, which is probably where you went for your anniversary. But I don't think he has it in him. But I'm just saying that's what you could do, and then you go to counseling and really work on the relationship. But, you know.

Yeah, I think to have been married at 20 and having problems... Two months in. A few months in. It's like... And to cheat in the face of those problems. Yeah. Yeah, and also it's like it was one of your co... I'm just like re-looking at this. One of your co-workers, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still see her? That's like someone you see. Yeah.

And also it's like, if you guys were willing to put that past, it's like, yeah, she has to, like, if she says that she has to mean it and like try and like actively not keep it hanging over his head. But also it's like, I would imagine you need to kind of now you have more work to do because now you have to step it up. Yeah. If you want it to work and like totally make her feel really secure.

Right, and we're not sensing your... You don't have step-it-up energy in this call. And also, you're 20, so like... Yeah, he's stupid. Just take an actual break. If you guys want to get back together at some point, you need time to become adults a little bit. That's a good point. Because all of this just feels like...

Like, not like anyone's fault necessarily, but just like a victim of your age and circumstance. Fully, fully. Where it's like you guys just kind of both made a bad decision that you weren't ready for. Yes, yes, yes. That's 100% what it feels like. So, you know...

You're probably, this is probably over. I mean, he's probably right now cheating on her again. He's probably fingering that same coworker. He's going to be like, Ali's right. We should take a break and find out who we are and just fuck his coworker the next day. Yeah. We're together at some point.

I just got some more work to do on myself and on my coworker. The second he's on another break, he's just fucking another coworker. I also, whenever they say like I slept with my coworker, if he's 20 years old, I'm like, where do you work? Chipotle? It's like such a high turnaround rate. You're so right. Yeah. Yeah. This isn't like, this is not a professional environment. Nobody, nobody, uh, nobody had to like, uh,

you know, worry about their suit being wrinkled after they had sex at lunch. Yeah, they're not like renting a hotel room. They're like in their car in a parking lot somewhere. Yeah, he's getting sucked off in a Scion. And then he got mad because he nutted on his apron. He's like, fuck.

How am I going to make Chipotle burrito bowls now? There's jizz on my apron. Oh, you've done this before? I just need to put a little sour cream over the jizz and no one's the wiser? Huh, well, I don't like that you had that answer at the ready, but that is practical advice. All right. Yeah, you're fucked, pal.

It wasn't meant to be. But also, you're 20. You're going to be fine. You'll be fine. It's so funny to be like on a date at 26 years old and be like, yeah, you know, I've been divorced. You're like, what? 26 at 22. He's going to be fucking 22 talking about his ex-wife. I think that's sick. Yeah.

I know. It's getting to a point where it's weirder that I don't have an ex-wife. Yeah. You know? In a few years, just be going on dates and being like, no, I've just been single this whole time. No, I don't have kids. They're like, really? Like, it's starting to get to the point where it's like, everyone I date should have kids. You know? Yeah.

Hey, Stav. What's going on, man? Love the show. Love listening to you guys all the time. So I'll just jump straight to it, man. So I run a YouTube channel, a small YouTube channel. I kind of do it on the side, just like a side hustle. Don't make very much money doing it, but, you know, it's a fun thing to do. Through it, I've just met some other YouTubers that I've collabed with. And a good chunk of months ago at this point, one of my YouTubers,

One of them, who was always really nice to me and just a cool dude, you know, we collaborated a couple of times, sent me a dick pic and I instantly deleted it from the feed that was on like

Messenger, Facebook Messenger, and I was just like, oh, yeah, there's no way he meant to send that to me, right? Like, you know, and I was playing it off. And the dude was definitely suspect about it. At first, he was like, oh, yeah, no, it wasn't for me, but it was for somebody else. But then he was kind of like a winky face and stuff. It was so obvious that it was meant to be sent to me. But I just chose to kind of brush it under the rug. All of my other YouTube peers who also know this guy said I should have, like, laid into them for sending me a dick pic. Yeah.

But I just chose to kind of just like brush it off and be nice about it, I guess, and figure that maybe the best way, just kind of ignoring it happened. We're still like Facebook friends and stuff like that, but every here and there when he talks to me, I always am just expecting the next dick. So, yeah, how would you have handled this? What the fuck, man? That's wild. This feels like a question for a woman in comedy. Is there a...

This was like, you've got the expertise on this one. No, I think what he did was right. Just ignore it and keep pushing and grinding. Pretend it never happened.

Work with them in the future. Wait until they get canceled by someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it will happen. Don't be on the leading edge of the cancellation, but be at the second wave. Yeah, no one likes the initial counselor. The initial counselor, that's a true hero. You're going to get a lot of skepticism. I bet he didn't actually send you the dick pic. You're making this up for your YouTube class. Oh, but he's so much bigger than you. You're just trying to latch on to his name. Yeah.

I wish he specified what kind of videos he made, because I wish it's like those vaping videos where they blow the O's in the clouds. Yeah, a smoke trick YouTuber. Yeah, I did some collabs with a guy who does like the craziest O-rings. I've seen Cloud Chucker 82's penis. Yeah, I mean...

Look, bro, I don't know what to tell you here. This guy, this guy, internet assaulted you. Like it was like, I love, by the way, my favorite move that the dick pic sender is doing is like the guy clearly being like giving you the out.

for being a predator he's giving you a mulligan and you're still like flirting you're still like he clearly is this guy is giving you he is serving you an out on a golden platter and you're so horny you're still sending him winky faces you fucking lunatic

Wait, did he send the dick pic on Instagram or on Facebook? I think it was on Facebook Messenger. Okay, because I don't know if... Does Facebook... Because I know on Instagram, if you screenshot a photo someone sends, it shows up. Like, it shows that they screenshotted. Interesting. So that would have made him nervous. Yeah. Because now you just got a photo of his. But he said he deleted it. Yeah. So he doesn't have the... Oh, yes, yes. If you screenshot the, like...

You can send a photo in the message. Yeah. But if you don't send it in the body, yes, yes, yes. I see what you're saying. No, no. This guy just wanted to brush over it. This guy's a gentleman. Hmm.

Yeah. You know, he's like, he's just like, and by the way, your friends were like, you should have really laid into him. It's like, you could lay into him right now. He just told you he sent him a dick pic. It's like, just fucking relax. Everybody deals with that shit their own way. You can't tell the guy what the fuck to, you know, what the fuck to do. Obviously, you were uncomfortable, whatever. Now, would I be friends with this guy still? No.

I don't know that I would be. I think somebody, you know, minorly commits a very minor sex crime to you and it's like maybe stop hanging out with him. That would be my, that'd be what I did. I mean, you've chosen to ignore and not make a thing of it. Fine, that's your choice. If you want to do that, I think you probably don't need this guy in your life. That would be kind of my, that's my, you know, it's your side hustle thing.

That would be what I would say to do. I wouldn't continue to be friends with the guy sending you unsolicited and unwanted dick pics. That's me personally. Yeah, because I'm like, what else is he sending to people? You don't want to be like chummy chummy. Yeah, you've just decided you don't want to be associated with this guy. Yeah. I think his mode of action was like the right mode of action. Because it's like...

I feel like a dick pic is like safe enough to where it's like gross to get it. It feels weird, but you're not like, it's not like fully violating. It's just more of like a read on that guy's character. Right, right, right. It would be a lot different if it was his dick in person. Yeah. If you ever have to breathe the same air as his penis...

that's a much bigger violation than like... Yeah, I agree. It's like, it's right at the level of... It's like a silly assault where you're like, oh, look at that. What a goof. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think... And it seems like he only sent it once. He only sent it once even though he was...

He's still kind of... Was putting the vibes out. Was putting the vibe out. The winky face. Which, again, was hilarious on some level, delusional respect. It's like, it's so delusional you almost have to respect it. Yeah. Where it's like, you think...

And it's like, what is he trying to do? I mean, maybe they're both gay guys. I don't know. But it's like, it'd be really funny if the guy calling in is straight. And the guy's just sending. That's a high difficulty move. Well, that happened to my boyfriend. Wow. Where this guy that we know, we're like friendly with. Eldis. What did I tell you about that? I thought it was weird when you asked Allie for her boyfriend's number. But I never thought this is what you'd do with it. Weirdo.

Thank you for coming on. And also nice penis. Well, never mind. It couldn't have been eldest. He sent it to me.

If that's your takeaway. But there's like a guy that we know who like was sending my boyfriend, I think a couple times, dick pics. And the guy who was sending the photos is gay. My boyfriend is, at least to my best knowledge, pretty not. He has some gay moments, but overall pretty straight. And it's like, just stop. But it's also funny because it's like, it's over the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I could block his number. I know, it is this weird, I've never understood gayness.

That level of horniness. Yeah, it's like you're sending a dick like I I just don't get that It's like what it's like even in the perfect world where someone sees your dick pic and they're like, that's awesome That's so fucking sick

Your dick is hard, ostensibly. You're sending a hard dick. Your penis is closer to coming than it is not coming. So someone would have to receive the dick pic and get in their car immediately and speed over to you. Unless this person is like your downstairs neighbor. What are you getting out of sending a dick pic? They're not going to get there in time.

for that erection to bust. Well, I think with this person, it's not even about the action of hooking up from that. I think it's just the rush of someone seeing it and having an opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what they're thinking. That is true, because I see the big thing that OnlyFans girls will do is dick ratings. Yeah, but you know that a lot of those popular OnlyFans girls, it's just some guy like Eldest. Like, what's...

I enjoy it. That's awesome. Wait, did I tell you guys? I've talked about this somewhere before. I don't remember where, but I subscribed to this guy's OnlyFans. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, I was talking about it with Annie Letterman. Okay. And he, I didn't mention this part because I'm like even nervous to say it.

But he was offering like if you send him a photo of yourself, he'll rate it. And I've never felt like more of a sub in my life. I was like, what do you think about

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just send them body, no face or face too? I don't, I'm kind of, I'm like a prude in that way. So probably no face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it was also like the circumstance. I was like, it was like the peak of COVID. I was living at my mom's house. Oh, that's one of the horniest times. So I'm just in like a bedroom in my mom's place. Like, I hope she doesn't wake up. Yeah. And were we talking nudes, full titties? What are we talking? Probably not. I mean, it was, no, I'm,

It might have been some titties. Gotta be titties. But nothing else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the right middle ground. Yeah. Titty's no puss to a stranger. Yeah. And what did he say back? I know. I'm trying to think of what he... What if he was like seven? He was like way too honest. Like unsubscribe immediately. He's like seven. Yeah, yeah. Seven. Yeah. That's... You know, a dick raid is very interesting because...

It's like, look, a guy just wants you to look at his penis and have an opinion. Which, by the way, I don't understand. Like, in a perfect world, I guess, like... Yeah, I guess... I would...

Well, my thing, you can't see it over the internet. It's an in-person experience. You know what I mean? It's not going to translate. It's like when a band's CDs suck, but you see them live and you're like, that was pretty fun. That was nice. I'd come back, yeah. It's not my favorite band, but it's pretty good. But I also just don't understand. I guess I'm just too...

I would just need to... I just don't understand paying money for someone to be like, your dick's all right, or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, that's crazy to me. But at least if you're doing that to guys, it's like, the guy's going to come one way or the other.

The guy paying you for that just wants to think in his head that you looked at his dick and had, for a moment, processed his penis. A hot girl thought about his dick. That's enough. But you're playing a risky game asking women to send you their... And you having to be like...

Like, that could go really weird. Like, guys, it's... You're gonna... It's a hundred... Maybe a 98% success rate. I'm sure it's difficult to, like, really pull that off with, you know... Although, I guess someone might want to be...

I don't know. I guess it would just be... I think if you're a guy with an OnlyFans and you're offering a service of getting a photo of them and rating it, you got to say 10 out of 10 every single time. But that's the thing is like, you know that's not true. I wonder if I still have it. Please find it. That would be great if you could still find it. That's the thing though. Don't you think you want... I think what you'd want is a lie, but a believable lie. Yeah. You don't want 10 out of 10.

No. You know it's not 10 out of 10. If he said 7, I'd be hurt, but I'd be like, he really looked. But if you said 8.5...

That'd be nice. That's what I'm saying. You have to lie just enough. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. You're threading a needle raiding women's bodies. Raiding a man's body. You could even say that's a little pathetic dick. Half of them, that would do it for them anyway. Totally. You know what I mean? And sure, there's some women who really like to be degraded, but I don't think that's... It doesn't seem like that's what this guy was going for. That honestly would have been so funny if this guy who got the dick pic just raided it. That would be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's the route he took. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

He's just like, I don't know, I guess like a 6.5. Yeah. Or just like thumbs down. Yeah. That's even funnier to be like, that sucks. Anyway, when's the next time we're collabing? That would have been your power move. Yeah. Just let the dick pic live and be like, what the fuck, dude? That's weird. Anyway, we hop in. Are we doing makeup tutorials or what? I don't know.

So, yeah. But anyway, we think you've handled it the right way. I think if he keeps, if at some point he, like, sends a photo again, just be like, hey, stop. It's weird. Yeah. But also would love to collab again. But also, yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of numbers are you doing? No, I just think, personally, I think I wouldn't deal with this guy anymore if I were you. But, you know, that's up to you, I guess.

But you did nothing wrong just ignoring it and going about your business. You're brave. You're important. We see you. We hear you. You're not alone. You're not alone. He will not. He will not. He will not divide us. I almost said he will not replace us. It's the white supremacist anti-Donald Trump. Well, that's what happened. It started becoming like a lot of like proud boys started infiltrating. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. Let's do another one, Elde.

He's salaried, pal. Thank you very much.

It's not going to be about sex like the majority of your audience. Just in your audience. A little bit different than your regular listeners. I got sober back in 2016, struggled with it back and forth. Now I have some time together. And I made my amends and sat down and had conversations and stuff like that, especially with family members, and repaired a lot of those relationships, at least to the best of my ability. But...

But my question is, is with like, uh, how do I deepen a relationship with my younger brother and younger sister? Like, uh, growing up in my family, like, like just typical wife. I think we're probably Irish. Who knows?

But we just don't really express emotions or feelings besides, like, anger. Yep. Are you putting a remote up your ass? It just doesn't feel like there's a lot of depth to the relationship that I have with my siblings. And, like, over the years and as I'm getting older, like, that kind of bothers me. But I have, like, no idea, I guess, how to go about, like, growing that relationship. Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, if you have any advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. Love the pod. Later. Aww. That's cute. Yeah, I mean, this, so, so basically, there's a couple questions. You said you got sober, and he was trying to, like, repair the relationship. And so I guess you were just drunk as fuck.

While they were little kids? Or what's... Yeah, I mean, I'm... What's the schism there? I'm assuming that he... Because he was drinking or doing whatever and it got to a place where he had to get sober. Yeah, he probably was like... Especially as like the older sibling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of pressure on the older sibling. And so if you aren't there... Right. Like, he probably just is kind of like starting at zero. And also their memories of him are just like kind of shitty. Some fucking fuck up, yeah. Yeah, it's... No, I know what you're saying. It's kind of...

It's similar to being a deadbeat parent in some way. If you're a much older sibling that's a piece of shit. Because it's like kids just naturally want to look up to their older sibling. Naturally. So to fuck that up, it is like something that takes a little work.

But the good news is you found out about this. You did it. You got sober. And the good news is you're not a parent, right? Like, ultimately, it's not the same level of damage when your just older sibling isn't around. And I think it's kind of... I do think this is actually... The good news is I don't think this is that difficult. I think...

basically you just have to be in your sibling's life. I mean, that's it. That's like, you know, they're younger than you. You're probably, you know, they're, you're at least now hopefully doing a little better. It doesn't have to be super emotional. It can be as simple as like going to the movies with them once a month or just like having a day once a month where it's like, let's hang out or, you know, even more call them, you know, check in on them. I know that I, me and my brothers don't have

The age gap that he, this guy does. But there was definitely a moment probably, I don't know, right around when I moved to New York. I kind of, you know, my relationship with my family has been kind of rocky. And there was a time where even when I lived in Baltimore, I just didn't see my family. Like, I probably see my family more now that I live in New York and I tour constantly than I did when I lived on the other side of Baltimore. Like, when I was in my early to mid-20s. I just, from...

I moved back in... I moved home and I hated it so much and it reminded me so much of what the issues were in my family when I was out of college that from the age of like 24 to like... I don't know. 24 to like 28. I just didn't see my family much. I just made excuses. I didn't go... I didn't even go for holidays. Like... And then I got in a big fight with my dad. That just fucked things up even more. And... But...

it was kind of the catalyst for me to kind of repair the other relationships in my family and just really think about it. And therapy really helped on that. And all it took was a couple very uncomfortable conversations about why we, the problems we had and about shit that they did that made me feel bad. And like that, and then we just kind of looked at our family dynamics together. And those were difficult conversations. But ever since then, it was like,

We just kind of, all of us started making the effort to be in each other's lives a little more. We, you know, we would go, we would do holidays together, even if my parents weren't involved with me, my brothers would do it. And then, you know, we'd talk on the phone more and I would give them, you know, they would come to me for advice, like when in the best they wouldn't. And,

And then we just kind of started hanging out more and more. And now to the point where we have a great relationship. We, you know, we talk all the time. We have, you know, like a little group chat. We try and have, you know, my little brothers, you know, one's running a gym. I'm constantly on the road, all this stuff. It's hard to find time. But like, I go back to Baltimore and make sure to see them for at least a couple times a year. And so it's different than you. And I think in some level, our friend here, it's a little easier because you're just...

Your main obstacle is gone now, right? Like, what was fucking him up was his drinking or, you know, whatever he got sober from. I don't know if I missed... If I missed... Did he specify? Mm-mm. He just said sober. So anyway, your main obstacle was, like, not, you know, was probably substance abuse shit. And now it's, like, it's really just...

slowly build up that relationship, take them out, show a genuine interest in their lives if they're still like in school age, like go to their fucking like, you know, middle school basketball games. Like just like hang out with them. That's it. That's all you got to do. And then it will just naturally grow from there. It's like when I repaired my relationship with my family, it wasn't like we were best friends immediately. But after like, you know, after a couple years of like both of us being like,

It was clear we all wanted... We were all into it and we were going to like... If problems arose, we would deal with them. We just got much, much closer. So I think it's just... You know...

I think he's kind of worrying because it's so important to him that it's his siblings. It's one thing if your old roommate isn't going to accept your amends. It's one thing if some fucking dickhead you used to shotgun monster energy drinks with doesn't fuck with you anymore. But your little siblings, it's different. But I think you're good, dude. I don't think you need to worry about it. I think you're just kind of in your head because it matters so much to you. But here's the thing. You have to do that stuff. You can't just...

First, you can't be like a deadbeat divorced dad where you show up and you're like, we're going to Six Flags and then don't show up for eight months after that. You know what I mean? Like you have to be there. You have to be in their lives. And if you want that...

It's as simple as that. Now, it's just a matter of not letting things get in the way of that. Yeah, you have to make, like, an active effort. Because also, like, I don't know how long he was, like, drinking or doing whatever. And by the way, it's like, did you get drunk and kill both your parents in a fucking car accident? Because then it's a little different than if you just missed, you know, missed their birthday parties because you were on oxys. Like, that's different. You can get past that. But yeah.

But also it's like he said that he like made an amends to them. Like he sat down and apologized. But I think too, like the big part is like an active, like living amends where like you can apologize for something, but if you're still, even though you're not drinking or whatever, still kind of like being passive and out of their lives.

It's like they're not just going to be like, oh, yay, you don't do drugs anymore. Like, you're back. It's like they probably have so many memories of you like fucking shit up that now it's like you have to make new memories and it's going to take time. Just going to take time. Exactly. And by the way,

Yeah, it's like, it's totally good that you obviously are sober, but like in the grand scheme, what's more important to have a relationship with your younger siblings is to be around. Like you could be theoretically drunk and still, and if you're just hanging out, like how many fucking awesome drunk people

relatives that you have, right? So it's like, in a fucked up way, it's like, it's like, just not being there was so much more important than your substance stuff. And I'm not telling you like, hey, by the way, buddy, you need to have a couple pops every once in a while and still be a cool brother. But it's like, you just have to put the time in. That's so much more important than anything else. So,

Good luck, little buddy. I think, you know, we believe in you. I think it's going to go good. What do you have to say over there, Elders? Who's the Albanian day laborer now, you drunk Irish? A strange for your siblings piece of shit? Whoa. Whoa. I don't know. The Albanian day laborer doesn't sound so bad. Doesn't sound so bad. I still get cards from my sister every fucking Christmas. He's going to need to make an amends to you now. You fucking tell him, Elders. Fucking...

Fuck that guy. By the way, I don't want you to give up on finding that guy raiding your body if it's possible. I think I deleted my Twitter where he did that. Bummer, bummer. But if it happens to pop up, I'll send it to you. I would love for you to read it on air, but what are we going to do? Okay, Eldest. How long have we been going, pal? We're at 140 right now. We're cruising. We could do this all day. You got a good one? Uh,

Yeah, I got one that'd be fun to take us home with. We can do one more before. Okay. Oh, wait. Fuck, what time is it? Yeah, we are supposed to do another podcast. But I haven't heard from that motherfucker. Well, this is a good one either way. Yeah, play us.

That was in Providence. I remember. I think we had to blur that guy's face out.

Yeah. Well, hopefully we did. He wore his pants out. He had a ride or die girl with him, though, even though he was going through it. Women are so loyal. It's crazy. I know. The amount of men that they're like, that's my boy. I'm like, okay, good for you. I know. I know. It's pretty sick. Pretty sick for, you know, pieces of shit. I can't wait to get a wife I don't deserve. Yeah.

My fifth day working there, I shit my pants, had to quit. It was a whole thing. But now I'm doing a lot better. Good. And I'm doing work in a job that pays very well, that I can't disclose the full details of. But I essentially work in politics.

The problem is now that my now fiance, who I've been with for eight years, really wants to leave her job and find something better. I've given her an opening to get involved in politics with a job that pays very well and falls in her interests with civil rights and stuff, which would be a huge jump from her current job in the arts.

She isn't jumping on the opportunity though and keeps putting it off even though it could be huge for her. And I really want both of us to be able to support each other in the near future if we're going to be planning weddings, starting a family and everything. Yeah, what do I do? Thanks so much.

Oh, now she's not too ambitious. Now she's not ambitious enough for you. What about fucking last year where your dumb ass quit your teaching job to work at fucking Costco and soil your fucking dungarees? This bitch stood by you. And the second you get your shit together, you're like, this fucking bitch is lazy. I don't know if I could be with somebody like this.

I mean, come on. I mean, you know, you got to give her a little... She let you figure it out, didn't she? She let you kind of wander in the wilderness a little bit. It is kind of fucked up to be like, we got to get serious now that I finally am ready to get serious. You know,

You know what I think it is? Please, tell us. I don't think this is even an issue. I think it might be one of those things where I'll say that I want to change, but then when someone gives me the advice to do it, I'm like, fuck you. Shut up. I'll figure it out. You dicks.

So I'm like, just give her space. Like, let her vent about it. She might not actually even want change. She might just, like, want to complain about something or feel like she needs to make a change. Like, maybe she just now feels, like, weird that you're doing good where she was used to being the, like, level-headed normal one and now that you're

that place, it might be just a little bit weird for her. So just be like, whatever you want, I support you. But like, don't try and interject because she might just want to like be saying stuff to say stuff. It's possible for sure. Now look, it also is possible that, you know, this is something she should do. But like,

If it is, how do you even get a partner to do something you think is right for them, but they might be scared to do? I don't even fucking know. Like, you know, what would you do in that situation where it's like you want to get your boyfriend to have a better job? Or like he has an opportunity that he's kind of scared to take. How would you even approach that? Well, I think it's like, I think it's being like,

Take the chance. I'm here for you. I'll support you if it doesn't work out. Yeah. Like, I believe that it will work out and you just kind of have to, like, get through that. Right. But I think it's natural to be anxious or to, like, not. Yeah, for sure.

Want to do something. But I think like if you have someone who's like almost more excited or like breathing down your neck. Doesn't help. It doesn't. It makes it feel more scary. For sure. For sure. I'll just I'll bounce that question over to you as another person in a healthy relationship. How would you approach it?

I don't know. I mean, you know, you can't make your partner like do something even if you, you know, when it's like about career stuff. I mean, that's just like so hard for everyone to figure it out. And I feel like it's like also rare to if you are in a relationship to be like, you know, equally happy with a job or equally unsatisfied. Like there's always like some nuances and differences and like, you know. Yeah. I don't think I don't think you get like.

Push your... You can, like, encourage them and you can be like, well, take the chance and we'll figure it out. And, you know, it's all gonna... Whatever. We'll, like, figure it out either way. But, you know... Yeah, if they're not, like, enthusiastic about it, it's hard to make someone feel that. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. And the don't breathe down their neck is a great thing. Because you're just gonna, like, not... You just have to give them the space to decide. And by the way, even if it's working for good parts of politics...

Working in politics fucking sucks dick.

And it's like, if she's been in the arts and it's like, well, now I get to make more money and work and it's like, or do I want to just keep fucking painting and make less money? You know what I mean? Yeah. It's possible. It feels like there might have been like a power dynamic where she, for a long time, got to be more in control and now it seems like it's kind of shifted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a different man than the guy I did crowd work with two years ago, I'll tell you that much. Yeah. He's got a real pep in his step. So I'm like, maybe like,

Keep, you know, just shit your pants every few months to make her feel like she still is like a top bitch. Oh, true, true. That's true. Yeah, eat a couple, go to Costco, have yourself a little hot dog lunch, and then shit yourself around her so she feels like an alpha. Yeah. And that way, we're back to square, we're back to even.

Yeah, that sounds like that was that answered your question. But yeah, I think within that last question, we did give you some very nice nuggets of advice, even if we didn't end it concisely. So anyway, good luck. Don't don't breathe down her neck, let her make her own decisions. And if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to fucking do it. Take us home, Elde.

And do you have anything you want to plug before we finish the show here? No, go to alimakofsky.com slash shows. alimakofsky.com slash shows. You heard it here first, folks. She just debuted that website. And if Shia LaBeouf is doing another pop-up, you can probably find me there. Yeah, she'll be there. If you want to rate her body, DM her on Twitter.

If you have a huge dick and do OnlyFans, I'm sure the guy's dick was awesome, right? No, it was like a skinny long. Skinny long. But it was more like the vibe. It was like him and his alternative girlfriend. Oh, interesting. It was during the pandemic. Him and his girlfriend? Yeah, it was him and his girlfriend. They're not together anymore. Oh, okay.

It just was like, I'd never seen, I was so used to just like Pornhub porn that I'd never seen just like a couple having sex, like normal sex for the most part. See, this feels like a gender difference. Yeah. That would make me sad. I'd be like, this guy gets to fuck this awesome girl. This is the part that made me sad was when they were like, the OnlyFans money goes to our dog food. And I'm like,

Like you can't even buy fucking purine at Chow Wan? Yeah, yeah. You have to put your pussy on a webcam for dog food? Yeah. That is tough. How long have you been in a relationship now? A little over two years. Have the numbers dipped or are we still going strong? Oh, yeah. We're roommates. We are happily roommates. I love my bestie.

We cuddle. Sometimes we kiss on the mouth. But no, we both have very low libidos. Low libidos. He's on SSRIs. Ah, that's a big problem. And I'm just not coming, so. You're still not busting, huh? Well, I started seeing a womb witch. Okay, hell yeah. A vagina fairy. We just got into this? Yeah.

I like to leave on them. I'm big. Tell me about the womb witch. She's this woman who was recommended to me by a friend who had some issues. Busting. She's the bus doctor? Yeah, she's the bus mommy. I guess she does a lot of stuff. She works with people who have sexual trauma. She works with people who have prolapsed uteruses and weird shit going on down there. And so I hit her up. I said, hey, I can't come.

Help. Yeah. And so I've had two sessions with her and she like, I don't want all the male listeners to get all fucking hot and horny. But she like respectfully, she fingers me. Respectfully. And it was so funny. No chance this woman has any certification whatsoever. No. She just like went on a retreat once. No.

No, there's no, there's no police certification. Some fucking bitch with crystals in her windowsill is finger popping you. Is she wearing gloves? Yeah, she wears gloves. Okay, thank God. Yeah. Otherwise you would literally just be getting fingered. It was so funny though because she was like, I only use one finger and I'm like, that makes it better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um,

I'm like, you can put two in there. That's what you need. There's not like a descriptancy of like, oh, one finger's fine, two fingers is like perverted, fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...

But the first session, yeah, she was just kind of feeling around. Getting a lay of the land. Yeah, she's mapping it. It's called like vaginal mapping or something. She's like waiting for the echoes to come back. Which way is sound bouncing off your big ass pussy? Yeah.

It was so funny because, like, as a dumb little woman, when guys are like, oh, you have such a tight pussy, you're like, thanks so much. But then you realize it's because you're not enjoying it at all and you're tense the whole time. Anytime a guy is saying you have a tight pussy, the guy should be embarrassed. He should be like, oh, I'm not comfortable with you. I'm actively shutting you out. But also, thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Also, thank you. The womb witch did not have anything to say about the tightness of your torso. She was like, a lot of trauma. A lot of trauma. But then it was so funny in the last session. The last session we had was more of like the session to try and get me like more relaxed so I could potentially have an orgasm. And it was funny because it was feeling good. And it's so weird because it's just like this middle-aged mom like fingering me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm just laying there on like a massage table. And you don't want to fuck her. I don't want to fuck her. Yeah. Yeah. But I felt so comfortable and it started to feel good and it was so funny because I just started laughing because she was like doing the same movement over and over and I...

And I just started giggling and I go, you know that you're doing something right right now, don't you? Like you're in the groove. Yeah, she's in the zone. And she was like, yeah, I can tell. Wow. I was like, you bitch. The womb witch should give, if she can make people bust in such a clinical, she should give like fingering lessons to men. Well, I did. I said, if I, can I bring my boyfriend here? And she'll just like watch you guys. She'll watch him finger you? Not, yeah. Or he'll watch her. Yeah.

Let him watch the master cook. I wonder how I would respond if I saw my girlfriend getting... I'd be like, I know I would be here for you, but I would just be... In my head, I'd be like...

maybe this lady will suck my dick. There's no way I wouldn't be thinking that. Like if a girlfriend took me to watch a different woman finger her, even if she had gloves on, part of me would be like, I wonder if she sucked my dick while she fingered my girlfriend. Like fully that's what I would be thinking. And even I would try and stop that and it would just come back more and more. My dick would just be hard watching this. Like there's no way that wouldn't happen to me in that scenario. I can tell you that for a fact. Yeah.

Very interesting. Yeah. So you still... I just assumed... Because, you know, when we first met, you were doing stand-up about how fucked up and broken your pussy was. But you were a child with a fucked-up pussy. You were a 20-year-old Shia LaBeouf fan with a fucked-up pussy with jokes about discharge, getting mistaken for cum, if I recall correctly. Wow, yes. Yeah, yeah. And so... But I just assumed...

You know, you grow out of it and you learn to bust, but we're still struggling. You know what I realized, though? It's not that it's, like, broken. It's just that I'm so tense. Like, I can't relax. Even with a partner that you actually love. I love, yeah. Yeah, you love. Yeah, it's just like... I think, too, like I was saying, where I'm like, when I'm hooking up, it's a performance. It's hard to get out of that. Like, oh, this is... I totally understand that. ...supposed to be mutually beneficial in my brain. If I was a dude, I'd be like, this is for me. Yeah.

But in my like woman brain, I'm like, this is for them. This is my way of like, you know, helping and being of service. Yeah. He bought me a Bud Ice in the parking lot. Yeah. I owe this to him. Yeah. I owe him some clenched pussy. You have to just like get over that. Yeah. You definitely do. Especially with a fucking, with a boyfriend. That's crazy. I know. I would have thought, because it's definitely, I have this thing where it's like, I kind of identify with the performance thing a little bit, which I think,

you just kind of are wired that way where you're like, this is how I should be behaving. Yeah. But in a relationship, that kind of goes and I'm like, you know, you get into a groove with somebody and you feel more comfortable. Like for me, it's more like you don't want to be embarrassed so you're just like, I have...

certain things that I'll just do until I'm comfortable. But it does go away in a relationship. And I would have just assumed that happened to you, but I guess not. It goes away where it's like we're very comfortable with each other and there's no sense of embarrassment. If I were to fart or something while we're having sex, we'd laugh about it and it would be no big deal. But there is something about this deeper intimacy that's beyond just like, oh, embarrassing, where it's like you see me. An actual connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get that. But, you know, once I keep getting this lady to jack me up... You keep getting fingered by some lady. I might not have a boyfriend. I might have a girlfriend soon. Ha ha ha!

I'm going to have a middle-aged mama. Shout out to the fucking womb witch. Now, do you think she'll see me? That depends. Do you have a vagina? Well, who knows? You just tuck it back for your first appointment? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tuck it. I draw a pussy on my balls. I stretch my balls out. I draw a pussy. I'm like, yeah, my clit's up top. You're going to want to focus on that. My pussy's no problem. Don't even look at it.

I color my dick pink. I get like a fucking marker. You wear one of those women's march hats and you put it over your penis. Oh, fuck. Well, good luck with the Womb Witch. Thank you. You know, we really, we're going to need some, the next time you come back, we're going to need you to have busted in the Womb Witch. I got real close. Yeah. It's looking good for me. I'm rooting for you. I want all my friends to bust.

Ha ha ha. Ah, the womb witch. Great anecdote, Allie. So that's, well, no call is going to follow that, surely, and we're not even going to try it.

So that's our episode, folks. Allie, thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having me. Go to AllieMikowski.com. What is it? AllieMikowski. Is it something? AllieJokes.com. AllieMikowski.com slash shows. Slash shows. And yeah, we'll see you guys. We'll see you soon. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye. See you next time.