#44 - Geoffrey Asmus
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We're very happy to have Jeffrey Osmus in the fucking building. What's up? Thanks for having me. Of course, in the freaking building. Cover over that curse.

We're really trying. Is this a clean pod? Is this a clean pod? For the first five minutes, it's clean. A little Christian. Okay, we'll keep it clean. For the first five minutes, it's clean. Gotcha. For the YouTube, for the algorithm. And then it gets off. And then it goes off the rails. Trick them. In a major way. Then we talk about the trafficking and all that. Oh, yeah. There we go. And then we make plans to traffic.

Probably a lot of options in Greece. Probably right next to Turkey, a lot of migrants that we could get. Even the people that aren't specifically being sex trafficked, it's like there was a phenomenon 20 years ago when I was going where like...

nurse. Like, you could all of a sudden, every old guy could afford a nurse from Russia. Oh, really? And they were just tens. Oh, it was like a... And they were caring for, like, old men. And it was like this thing where it's like, you know. That was like their Asian massage parlor thing? Exactly. In-home, it's exactly the same thing where it's like, not all of them are jacking you off. Right. But... I'd like that. A good percentage are. We just have the option of getting tugged off by a Chinese lady. I want different races. Why?

Why is it just a Chinese lady? Do we have a Russian thing, too? It's true. I'd like a little difference. You do think, yeah. Well, there's the Russian baths, but those are all pretty much old Russian dudes. Isn't that just like old orgies? Yeah, old dudes. But they're straight, but they're all hanging out naked. They're too pussy to be gay. That's what it is. They're like dipping their toes in, but they're like, oh, I don't want to be gay. There's a level of homophobia where it's horseshoe theory, where it's like,

Someone gay as hell and someone homophobic, they act exactly the same way. They're thinking about gay sex as much as a gay man is. And they're just hanging out nude. They're like... Our boy Julio, Julio Gallarotti, he went to Afghanistan and he was just... The Taliban guys hold hands and walk around. Oh, yeah. Right. Just because they're like...

It's absurd. They're like, we could never be gay. The thing at the idea... Even if our dicks touched, they wouldn't get hard. It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allah won't let us be gay. Exactly. And that's kind of the vibe with the Russian bathhouse where it's like these guys are just naked, playing cards, dicks out, lounging, watching TV, and it's like, all right. It's gay to be around women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gay to talk to women. Only gay men are friends with women. Why would we be around naked women? I'm hanging out with my boys. Dicks out. Yeah.

Yeah, so there was some light kind of trafficking going on there. When I was in Greece, there's packs of wild dogs everywhere. That was a weird thing. In Athens, they're like, don't go out after midnight. These packs of dogs might rip you to shreds. I'm like, what? Because they don't put down dogs. It's like a law. You can't euthanize a dog in Greece, I guess. Oh, interesting.

Oh, yeah, that's very interesting, Jeff. But can I stop you right there? It just feels like you're the kind of guy who needs to know about our sponsor, Freeze Pipe. Yes, if you want the opportunity to shop the smoothest pipes, bubblers, bongs, and dab rings at everyday great prices, just go to thefreezepipe.com and use code STAVI for 10% off your entire order. That's thefreezepipe.com and code STAVI for 10% off.

Shop today and start fighting fire with ice, Jeffrey. I'm sorry, you were saying? And they have huge roving packs of dogs that, like, own some neighborhoods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like, oh, the Dobermans have this one. Dude, I think the dog problem has gotten better. Did they? Okay, this is like 2011 maybe or something. Yes, yes, that was the height...

Maybe they're getting... Maybe they're allowing you to kill dogs now. They had to euthanize them. That's, like, such a bizarre form of, like, morality. Like, we won't kill a dog, but we won't give people welfare. Right, right, right. Be kind to the dogs. Well, it's funny because it's like, yeah, they wouldn't kill a dog, but it's like...

you know, refugees start showing up. They're like, yeah, we'll kill these dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The doctor was like, they found this dog. She's old as shit. She was getting ran through. We're talking like this cute little dog, nipples long as hell. You know what I mean? Just getting tugged on. How many litters of puppies this tiny ass little shih tzu has had, right? And so they found her in the streets of Baltimore and they love the dog, but it has a heart condition. And my mom was like,

And the doctor was just like, okay, well, you know, it needs, it probably, it might need, she, we might need a test. We have to do this test for 500 bucks. And if the test comes back positive, she's going to need, uh,

a surgery that costs $8,000. And your mom's like, no. And my mom was like, don't do the test. She was like, if it comes up, I'm not getting her the surgery. It was like, the idea that this is like, there's a very like American thing where it's like, people are like, cutting. Like, I have friends who fucking cook,

like pork chops. Oh, yeah. Or they order those boxes of fresh dog food that arrive every week. That's insane. But it's like this dog, or they put it in diapers and make it a smoothie. They eat better than half the Bronx. Yeah. There's no food deserts for these dogs. These dogs ain't having ramen on their birthday. These dogs get fucking lamb chops. You know what I mean? Exactly. And so it is a very... That to me is... Because I, you know...

I haven't had pets because it's like... You never had a pet you were in love with as a kid or anything? No, but we had really bad asthma. Oh. So we never had like a furry ass... So you'd like the pet could kill you kind of like thing? The worst part is my brother who really wanted the dog was the one who had the worst asthma. He grew out of it now. He has a dog. He has two cats. He stopped being a little bitch. He stopped being a pussy. The doctor diagnosed him with being a pussy when he was seven. Wrap your mind around it, you idiot.

idiot. You can have a dog. And who knows, maybe our parents were also using that as a convenient excuse. Oh yeah, we're protecting you. Yeah, but we did do the, we had to fucking do a nebulizer a lot. Oh, I never had that. You had to just, damn, I'm coming back to this right now where it's like

The inhaler and the nebulizer, yeah. It was like an inhaler that you had to do for a half hour every once in a while. Oh, really? We would have asthma attacks, and it would be like... Isn't that scary? Like, you can't breathe. I just didn't know any better. Yeah, that would freak the shit out of me. Yeah, it was just like you just couldn't breathe that well, and then we just had this thing, which was kind of cool. Because I remember it would be like... It's like a little stim pack, yeah. You held like a weird gun, and you were just sucking this air that tasted like...

It tasted like scientific. Oh, really? And in my head, it almost felt like you were like Darth Vader. Oh, yeah. Like, it was cool. I remember being like, this is kind of fucking sick. It's like a steroid, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, exactly. I'm almost positive it's a steroid. I felt like I was, like, doing, like, I was, like, getting stronger. Right, yeah. Getting cooler. Your lungs have an eight-pack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go. That's good. So we did have fucked up things, but I wonder if they ever, like, you know, they lied to us. But, yeah, I, to this day, I'm like. You don't feel that love towards animals that the rest.

I mean, Americans, we get real into our fucking animals, I feel like. I like them. You know? And, like, I have that dog I was just talking about, Boo Boo. Boo Boo? Yeah, Boo Boo. Incredible. Boo Boo with a Greek accent. Not Boo Boo. Boo Boo. Boo Boo. Yeah, yeah. Boo Boo. I love Boo Boo. I love her and her fucking long-ass nipples.

But, you know, somebody shoots the dog. I give it a little pinch. I play with them like gum you find on the underside of your desk in elementary school. And then you're like, oh, what am I doing? You absentmindedly find yourself playing with it and you're like, oh, disgusting. I treat that. That's how I treat her nipples. But, like, you know, I don't have that. And, like,

I think it's, I don't know. Did you grow up with pets? Yeah, I had a dog I was deeply in love with in Minnesota. That's animal country. Yeah, yeah. My mom grew up on a farm. Yeah, so they got, she has that love of animals. But see, that's interesting though. But she also had to like shoot them. Exactly. But she like loves them, but she's like, I put them down too. Right, right, right. I put the shotgun in its mouth. Yeah, I know.

It wasn't even sick. It just was like, we got bored. Yeah. Yeah. That's, I respect that level of animal love. Cause you do love them, but it's like, they love them, but they know that life is transient. And they're like, we got, like, it's gotta go. We can't have another. Yeah. They've had like 30 dogs at a time. Like, and like 10 cats. Cause they like kill the rats and protect the chickens or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. You have a job.

when the cats stop catching rats they're done they're out of the family you gotta fucking quota you gotta bring five rats to the porch it's like an offering farm life is wild

They would have like chicken slaughters. Our uncles would advise to the chicken slaughter every year. Invite you to it. I only went once when I was a kid. It was like their gathering. We're going to have a potluck. And they're like fucking chopped chickens heads off with axes and shit. That chicken was probably good as fuck though. It wasn't as good as you thought it would be. Rural Minnesota food's disgusting actually. Even the fucking fresh ass chicken? I think my relatives didn't know how to cook honestly. I really think they were kind of.

The food we ate as a child and like my relatives, that is terrible. Really? It's like jello salad and like, you ever have that shit? Like a pot, like a meatloaf and like a hot dish and stuff. It's disgusting. It's like Norwegian. It's, they're gross. The worst. The worst whites. The worst whites. Food wise. Food wise. Food wise. Yeah. Ludafisk. You know what ludafisk is? What's that? It's like pickles.

It's disgusting. It's like gelatinous. It's really gross. I don't know why everything's gelatinous. Yeah, they love head cheese, too. It's like brains and cheese. You went there, didn't you? To Norway, yeah. What was the food? It was all bullshit, right?

There's some good stuff. I had something that was kind of like a reindeer pot pie. Yeah, the reindeer and elk was good when I went to Norway, but the rest was trash. It's so expensive, too. It's expensive. Food was brutally expensive. I had some cured whale one time, which was just like... Oh, okay. There's like this strips of like... It almost looked like whale jerky or something, but like a little softer than jerky or whatever. But it was like all black and shit. They're also endangered, but I was like, I want to try this. Sure, sure. Wow. Try it.

Eldest, like the owner of Jimmy John's, going on safari. Eldest killing extinct animals for his own fucking perverse pleasures. And Norway's like the final ethnostate. It's so white, it's like, is this okay? You're like, is this allowed anymore? It's like, was Hitler Norwegian? Yeah, why didn't he just move to Norway? He could have solved a lot of problems. They would have been like, yeah, we love your ideas. Yeah.

I know. It is so funny to... You see that and you see like Japan. It's all... But Japan's so homogenous racially. And like they're racist and like... But smiling to you where they're just like, no, you can't come in. That happened. We don't want black people here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Smiling at the camera. Like, yeah. Like we were trying to go to some park and they were like... Some lady was just doing this. For you? Yeah. Even whites. Really? Yeah. They were like...

And smiling. They were doing the hand axe thing and being like, no. And I had a friend who lived there and she was telling me how it's like, they'll just tell you like, oh yeah, the rent. She'll respond to like an apartment. She was looking for an apartment. Let's say it costs three grand a month or whatever. Yeah.

They'll be like, oh, yeah, I mean, we listed as three grand a month, but you are not Japanese, so it's $3,500 a month. Oh, they're just like, they can legally rent to discriminate against you? Yeah, you can legally just discriminate, and everyone's just like, I mean, these are the rules. Yeah, yeah. You know, which is like... So I guess if, like, white supremacists, like, made fucking PlayStation...

you could have at it. You know what I mean? You just haven't made anything good. I get why the Japanese don't like white people. I could wrap my head around that. They might be like that. 100%. We're all just masturbating over Oppenheimer. Yeah, yeah.

You don't get to go to our parks. Okay. And also think about the white guys that love Japan. Oh, yeah. What a brutal guy that is. They're just going. Just the fucking Reddit bros. Just some fat, like a guy who looks like me. I know you're all thinking it. A guy with, take my soul out, put a loser into this body. Yes. That's who we're talking about. You could have gone down that path. 100%. You could have, but you chose not to. I chose not to. We respect that.

By God's grace, he made me good at comedy and not an anime fan. Thank God. Thank God. Anime sucks. I know that's going to make people mad, but it sucks. I don't get it. I mean, Dragon Ball Z will always have a place in my heart, but I guess people that love anime think that sucks too. Oh, really? Is that hacking?

It is. I never got that even as a kid. I didn't really understand what was going on. Yeah. I might be an idiot, but I don't know. It was not. You definitely weren't an idiot for it. But for whatever reason, Dragon Ball Z was huge in Baltimore. And you didn't even watch. Did you watch it, Eldest? I watched it a little. I never got too deep into it. It was like a little hard to follow. But I would get sucked in randomly watching like, you know, Cartoon Network at 10 p.m. You're like, whoa, this is kind of sick. Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, think about who's going. So you're talking about anime fans. Yeah. Just fucking neck beers going to, you know, find the waifu in Japan. They're going to fuck prostitutes and buy like child pornography. Sure. And like they have like in the stores, they have like they'll have like a fucking manga that's like.

The girl is like, it looks like a little kid, but it's like, it's actually an 8,000-year-old witch. You know what I mean? Really? And they have like statuettes. I was like, oh. I remember I went to Japan with some friends, and one of their girlfriends bought essentially like these weird child...

slave statues and like a manga. What the fuck? Yeah, it was fucked up. We were right to drop the bombs. We were right. We were trying to stop sex trafficking. Shout out to Oppie. Shout out to Oppie.

Don't you think the weird, the Asian fetish comes from like, because our grandpas went to Japan and that's probably the best sex of your life during war. You finally get to Japan. You won the war. The Japanese women are like, thank you for saving us from the emperor. They're just sucking your dick like freedom. I don't think the Japanese were sucking off the way the French were. No, they were better. They were more so into it. Yes, yes. I think they were doing a little...

I don't know how consensual some of that Japanese sex was. Yeah, there was a lot of mass rape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of that. Yeah. We don't need to gloss over that. I don't know that it was a big victory lap for the Japanese women. Yeah, probably not as much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they have a generation of trauma there from a lot of our grandpas. Yeah, I do wonder what... But it is funny because I went to Japan on like... The first time I went, I was...

on a, like a really bootleg USO tour. It was like the lowest level of those things. It was like Funny Bone literally like booked it. And I got paid. The Tokyo Funny Bone. Dude, I'm not kidding. I got paid $750. To go to Japan? And their thing was like, we're covering a trip to Japan and you're broke. And at the time I was like, you know, I was like, I may never be able to get to Japan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 24, I think. I was living in Baltimore. It was right before I moved to New York. Holy shit. And I was like— How'd they find you? It was—the headliner that was doing it was a guy who was in D.C. I don't know if you know Ben Washburn. Oh, I've met him once, yeah. Great dude. Yeah. Funny as shit. Love that guy. And truly a great comic and the kind of guy who was like—he was doing a new hour every year. Oh.

Oh, like when it wasn't when no one when it wasn't cool. Yeah, because he was just like he would get to play cool good clubs that liked comedy, but he was like

I don't have a fan base, and it's got to be the same people coming. Sure. And it has to be something different every year. Great joke writer. I respect that a lot. He's the man. He's great. There was no reason to write a new hour back then. No, no, no. He just did it because he's good at comedy. Yeah, he's good at comedy. I respect that. A lot of great jokes. And so he just... He was around DC at the time. I was doing a lot of stuff in DC, and I think the...

feature that was supposed to go got a DUI or something. Oh, there we go. And because it's like through the army, it's the one time, it's the one time you can't be a criminal and a comedian. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so. Usually we're rewarded for that. It's like a good story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually you get a nice 15 minute chunk. Yeah.

Forget the DUI, but not in this case. And so I just got lucky and he... Do they censor you a lot when you perform for the troops? Are they like, you can't talk about Bush, don't mention Afghanistan? Not really. I mean, I think there was a couple things. I think weirdly, they didn't want us to talk about religion. Oh, okay.

But I don't remember. This was, you know, this was fucking 12 years ago. I bet the troops are great audiences, though. They were good audiences. I bet they're like down to laugh because they're dark and fucked up. For sure. No, no. They were good shows. Whenever there's a serviceman in the crowd, they laugh. They're trying to drown out the demons with their laughter. A guy with no legs, you could roast him for not having a leg. Yeah, yeah.

And he would be like, I am. I was stupid. I'm going to shoot myself in five years. Say whatever you want. There was one guy. The only time I've had a bad service member was, you remember this one? You remember where this was? They were just talking all the time.

Oh, yeah. And they were just, like, talking too much. I was like, hey, could you quiet down? And I didn't know that the guy was, you know, whatever. Sure. And, like, at the end of the show, he just wouldn't shut the fuck up. And it's like, I tell, like, the last hour I did had, like, a, you know, not a long story, but it was, like, this thing where it's, like, you kind of, the last four minutes, you got to get a little momentum going, right? And so I just was like, all right, get the, you know, I was like, this guy's got to fucking go. And, like, as he's leaving, he was like, I'm a Purple Heart veteran. And it's like...

Does that mean you can't fucking shut the fuck up? You get 20% off at Denny's. You don't get a fucking hackle, dude. And then like five other veterans were like,

fuck that guy yeah right also you can't we don't do we believe that even he's saying your purple heart out of nowhere i mean maybe stolen valor yeah it's going around it's going around yeah yeah yeah i don't know he definitely he was like any i think he claimed that it was like one of his friends was like he's got a condition because oh okay but he's sitting in the back yes yeah he

in the fucking front. It was like in the, it was like in like a corner where it's like you couldn't see him, but he was just just close, but you couldn't see him. So it was like one of the worst places. You can't really even talk to him, but you can hear him. I fucked with him a couple times and told him to shut up and you know, it worked until

Until the very end, they just started chatting again. But yes, for the most part, they are great. Nice. This is kind of not that related, but do you notice people are heckling more recently? I think so. Do you think that's happening a lot more now? I think because of all the clips and shit. Yeah, we've created a monster. It's tough. We had to do it, but it is. It's tough. I mean, I actually don't mind it because...

I love shutting down people who think things are going to go a certain way. It's actually kind of a nice thing. Well, we're going to win most of the time because they're idiots. It's a nice thing where it's kind of like the prison thing where it's like,

You got to fuck somebody up to make an example of them. Oh, sure. And then the crowd, you're a god. You're a god. Once you shut that guy down. And by the way, the people that have been like planning their heckle all day are the easiest, dumbest people of all time. They crumble immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ask someone how they met, you're like, in a whorehouse in Bangkok. And you're like, when? They're like, oh, I'm kidding. We've been married for 12 years. They crumble immediately.

they've been playing that all day and their best go to's are always just calling you gay or something yeah yeah it's like great man that's fucking awesome yeah what did you do today I sucked your mom's dick okay cool dude I'm gonna do a lot with that that's really funny um yeah that's definitely going around but whatever comedy's fucking stupid god

And it's a bullshit art form anyway. Who fucking cares? I like to hear that. People take it a little too seriously now. No, it's fucking dumb. It's just dumb. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. I just... It should be fun and a good time and it's all fucking... And I'm only here because I was 19 and didn't want to work hard at anything and I did open mics. And then you wake up and you're 34 and it's like...

Well, I can't not do this. You started at 19 in Baltimore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Oh, man. I wish I would have had that vision. No, it's fucking stupid. I mean, you just don't have any life experience. Right, you didn't go to college then. 19 through... I was in college, but I was on... You know, I just... You were kind of fucking around doing comedy. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah. After I tried... I knew I wanted to do comedy, and...

I did it for a year in college and then like all my immigrant guilt came back. And I was like, I got to be a doctor. I took a year. Yeah. It's a lawyer for me, but yeah, that same idea. And I took like a year and a half off where I was like, so I really studied hard and I was so, I got good grades. I was so depressed. Oh, my life was fucking horrible. Cause you had glimpsed the truth for a year. Like this is what I should do. And then you went back to the real world. And then I went back and then,

I went to therapy and I think a therapist who it was, I got free therapy because they were like students at the school. Oh yeah. And I think this girl just like broke the ethical code where she was like, you should drop out of school. Right. They're not supposed to tell you what to do. Yeah. She just, for whatever reason, she was right. I don't remember her name, but shout out to her. That's the way it's like when they have like the hairdressers at school, cut your hair, but they're doing it with your psyche. Yeah. This woman's like, I think your dad fucked you.

You're like, I don't think you're right at all. I think it's your first week on the job. It really was that, 100%. But yeah, it was like, you know, you don't have any fucking, I just didn't have anything to say for so long. Oh my God, if I would have done comedy when I was 19, there would be some videos that would ruin my life. I would have said some things about fat chicks that would not have been pleasant. It was a huge incel at Jason. Oh really? That's awesome. I was like, nice guys just don't get

Fuck you, Danny Moore. Friend zone. I'm nice to all these bitches. They won't suck me off. What the hell? It's so embarrassing. Is this true that you were a virgin for a wildly long time? I was a virgin until I was 25 or 26. Yes, because before, I think...

this is when I first moved to New York. I think we might've been on the same show. I think we did a couple of shows in like 2018, 2019, maybe, maybe even earlier than that. I think a little earlier than that. I visited a lot. I think I caught, I actually do remember. Okay. Then you are the guy I was thinking of. Where was it? Do you remember? Oh,

Was it Whiplash, maybe? It was not Whiplash. No, no. It was like a shit... It was kind of shitty. Yeah, yeah. And it was like somewhere in Park Slope. Oh, sure. Oh, I used to run a show in Park Slope. It was probably the show I ran. Was it your show? Airplane Mode. Is that like Cherry Tree Bar by the Barclays Center? I actually don't think it was that one. No, okay. Okay.

No. No, no, it wasn't because I did that on a different time. Yeah, you did that. This is like way before. This is before. I think I might have caught you on some visit for sure. Oh, gotcha. Because I remember you being like funny. You were funny as shit. And then I was like, how does this guy not get pussyed?

Actually, you know what? You might have still been a virgin. I might have been. That's what it was. I think I missed it a little bit. That's what it was, dude. That's what it was. I think I was. It blew my fucking mind. I used to have a long bit about it. Yes, you had a long bit about it. And it blew my mind because it's like, look, me and Eldish, we weren't getting too much pussy too early on. We stumbled into a little bit. But at a certain point, it's like you're 20 and it's like, all right. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're 21. It's like you get to 20 and you're like,

I'm not randomly going to get pussy. I need a girlfriend. I got to 21 and I was like, maybe I'll go for the record. Then I was like, fuck you, girl. I don't want it. They said no for years. But I do remember that because it was like this weird thing where I was almost looking at an alternate

like half my life could have gone. Oh, I'm glad that you thought I should have got pussy. I'm glad to hear that. Absolutely. Cause I was like, cause you weren't, you, cause when you get to 25, you know what I mean? Someone's thrown it at you. You're yeah. You're like, you're, and you were fun. That's the other thing. You were funny in a way where you knew what you were doing. So you had some, you definitely had like, you could have a conversation with someone. You weren't like, you weren't like somebody who was like accidentally, you were legitimately good at standup.

And it was like... It just blew my mind that you could be self-reflective and then still not get pussy. It was like you were fun. You were funny. You were clearly aware of things. And I was like, how does he not fuck drunks? I was a drunk. That's what it was. I got so drunk, I would just ruin it with every thought. Yeah, really? I would be the guy who was blacking out at 8.30 p.m. in college. I was the guy...

It was like, oh, Jeff puked before we even left for the bars. Like, that was me. Like, I got so drunk, I couldn't get laid. It was insane, honestly. And I had this weird Catholic guilt a little bit, too. Yeah, because you grew up Catholic. Yeah, and I built up sex in my mind to be like, sex is the most important thing in life. You got to find the right girl. Then you have sex, and you're like, it's...

It's just a thing we do. It's like beating off plus. It's like beating off without commercials. It's like the Patreon of beating off. That's what sex is. It's like, oh, I unlocked a new tier. Extra content. It's nothing special. This is better than beating off. Was it worth it? Was it worth $5 a month? Yeah.

No, probably not. Yeah. I built it up so much in my mind. It was embarrassing. Now, we do want to say the Stabies World Patreon is worth $5 a month, folks. This one is sex, though, is not. And so subscribe, you know. Like I said, we don't pay Eldis until we make $100,000 a month. He's been doing this pro bono for the last two years. So subscribe if you want Eldis to be able to afford, you know, nice life.

Yeah, no, that's just so crazy to me to be, you were good enough at comedy to have this long bit about not getting. Oh, and women would come up to me. I mean, like, I wasn't attractive, but, like, if you're funny, people will come up to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would fumble the bag every single time. It was like a running joke in Madison where I started in Wisconsin. Like, oh, there's Jeff ruining it again with a fucking girl, like, oh, throwing herself at me.

And I'm just like, you ever read about Napoleon? And she's like, what the, I'm trying to fuck you, dude. And I just had no idea. I could never read the signs that someone was trying to have sex with me. That was the problem, really. Well, see, oh, that's interesting because my problem was like, I kind of knew that

And I was even pretty good at like getting to like, you know, because I was good at talking, whatever. Same thing, like, you know, funny. Sure. But I knew, and once I knew that I could fuck, it wasn't that I missed it. It's that once I knew, I got so nervous. Oh.

Oh, yeah. That's when I would blow it. I was too aware of the situation. Once you knew the opportunity was in existence, you were just like, ugh. And the only times I ever even got close was when I was drunk as shit. Yeah. And then one time I was so drunk that even as a youth on my date, I was just getting my soft, like, little ass dick massage. Yeah.

I was so pathetic. He's like, this is pretty early for this to be happening in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. And then I just immediately went and like projectile vomited. Like, I was barely like keeping it together. Because you're so nervous too. Oh, my God. I was just so, that one, I actually wasn't nervous. I was like, that was actually the cruelest thing that's ever happened to me because I was like,

finally it's happening. This girl may or may not. I've heard some rumors she has herpes. I'll probably be fine. But you're at the point where you're like, you don't care. I don't give a fuck. You don't care. I don't give a fuck at all. Yeah. It's like, it does whatever. I'm so drunk. I'm like...

But I'm like, it's finally happening. I'm sucking on titties. Oh, there we go. Things are going nice. And then you just feel that... I'm starting to sweat. It's boiling up in you. It's that weird boiling where I was like... And I kind of have to fart also. So you're trying to hold the fart. My mouth starts doing that weird... You're about to throw up waterfall shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. And she's like, are you okay?

And I'm like, just love your pussy so much. I can't get enough of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember one time, I think I was like 23. I thought I was going to finally have sex with this girl. And I started fingering her. And after like 30 seconds, she's like, are you a virgin? Oh, no.

That's brutal. And then she left my house at 3 a.m. in the middle of a Chicago winter storm. She's like, I got to get out of here. This was what I was doing with my middle finger. Something painful beyond belief. Oh, yeah. What strategy I was using. Oh, yeah. That sticks with me. Lindsay, I'm sorry.

Lindsay with two Z's, I remember. Lindsay, yeah, yeah. Oh, I don't remember. That's brutal, dude. Are you a virgin? She knew. I was like, you nailed it, Lindsay. You nailed it. That's tough. I had another similar thing where it was like the first time I ever came close to boozy, I just, the classic thing of thinking it's higher than it is. And I'm just like,

this girl's basically pubes. It was so fucking embarrassing. You like found her belly button? You're like, oh, real tight one here. I just did that so long that she was like, all right, we got it. This is over. I was like, no! No!

The Baltimore public school system failed you. They always fail us. They should give us all a little pocket pussy in eighth grade. 100%. Just show us what to do. Yeah, everyone should know about finger popping. You know? The first time I... They should teach eating pussy while fingering in school. They should teach the combo. They legitimately probably should. Yeah.

It's worth more than learning about Reconstruction or whatever. That's the one you chose? You chose Reconstruction? As I said it, I was like, that wasn't probably the one to say.

Well, whatever. You know how I feel. Andrew Johnson, hero. No, kidding, of course. Terrible president. Terrible guy. God. Hilarious stuff. Really was reaching there. Damn, dude. Yeah, that's really, that's fucking brutal. That's the first time I was about to have sex with this girl I ended up losing my virginity to. I came on the way in.

Like, while I was going in for the first one, I, like, laid down covering fire and just, like, hit her with some spray. And I was like, ah, does this count? And she's like, it doesn't count. You can't post about this.

Brutal. She gave me another go. Thank you. What a gal. Yeah, what a gal. Women are great. Women are great. Oh, no. Women are so... This is a person I did have sex with, but there was one time... Here's how great women are. I think I actually said this on the pod recently, where I... Again, I couldn't get hard the first time I met this girl. And I was, like, nervous because I liked her. So it's such a fucked up thing where your brain is like, I don't like someone. My dick is nice and

hard. Yeah. You know what I mean? But it's like, but it's like, I actually thought this could be something. It might, they couldn't get hard. It might take a small to begin with. Sure. So a soft dick. She thought like an infected clit. Yeah, truly. It was, it looked absolutely my foreskin too. She was probably looked so bad to her. She thought that she thought that was my hard dick. Oh, she came back. Wow.

Wow. I was like, oh my... Beautiful. You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. That's body positivity. That's beautiful. The final frontier for body positivity. She just wanted to see what it was like when it was soft. She's like, I want to see the world's smallest penis. Dude, if my soft dick is your hard dick, I can't even do the...

I shudder to do the math. She's like, I gotta fuck him so he doesn't do a holocaust against the Jews. With a micro penis like that. Dude, my dick, if my hard dick, if my soft dick was my hard dick, then my soft dick would be like one of those white watermelon seeds. You know, like not even, not even the, not even the impressive watermelon seed, but like the one you can, you could eat if you wanted to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow. Oh, jeez. No, that's beautiful. But you got over the Catholicism guilt shit, and you would have fucked anybody that would have done it at some point. I got way too into romance. I was like, we can't have sex tonight. We got to get to know each other. And then they got to know me, and they're like, we don't want to have sex with you anymore. Yeah.

This was kind of your shot before I knew who you were. And then I realized you got to kind of go for it. When the door's open, you go through it. Then you realize that. Then you also realize, I don't give a shit anymore. Sex is so...

It's nothing. Is that crazy? Do you think that? I have sex once a week with my girlfriend. That's enough. We pencil it in. It's great. Whatever. I definitely still have that thing. You get the dog every once in a while. The guys are like, every day I got a fucking dog. I have no need for that. I definitely think for me, I'm just such a... I'm truly... What was George saying? Like...

Glutton, but not even glutton. Like, what's the word I'm looking for? Like, just, it's a bad, it has negative connotations. But I'm just, I can't, you know. What does it mean? You know, like, I just, I overdo, overconsumption, just like. Oh, okay, gotcha. What the fuck is the word I'm looking for? Is it one of the seven sins? Gluttony would be the one, it seems there. Gluttony, overzealous. I don't know, whatever. The point is, like, I, you know.

I'll do a bunch of drugs. Overindulge. I'm a very indulgent person, clearly. If you're into something, you love it. I can really go down a rabbit hole, whether it's fucking ribs, whether it's pills, whether it's titties. I get in there and I'll just...

And also, not to mention the fact that when you don't get pussy, when you're in that kind of... And luckily, we never... We skirted being incel adjacent. Yes. Yes, we were talking about the friend zone a little too much, probably. Oh, I was obsessed with the friend zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. But we never were naked misogynists, right? We were before Reddit became that. I didn't really get into that Red Bell forum. Yes, yes. But...

Fuck, what was the point I was trying to make? But, oh yeah, but there still is something to like that damage of like feeling like you weren't cool. At least I have that. It seems like you're in a good... Yeah, no, you're trying, but I still feel like I want women to like me. Exactly. I need that approval for sure. It's that approval and it's that thing. I like to say no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like if someone asks me, I'm like, oh, no, I have a girlfriend. Oh, very flattering. That's a great feeling to me. Yes, with a girlfriend, that's a great feeling. Yeah, great. No girlfriend, I don't really... No is...

I'm still not. I mean, I'm saying more no's now. You're throwing the yes out on some questionable. I'm throwing yeses a lot. Quite a bit. I respect that. Quite a bit. You gotta spread the love. Too much. Where it's like, and then it was like for a time I was on the road. I was sober because I was like, I'm getting too fucked up. Oh, yeah. So I have to like,

I'm gonna be totally sober I'm not gonna smoke weed I'm not gonna do anything And then I just ended up Like fuck Like turning Fucking into a weird Preoccupation Oh that was your thing You did after shows instead And that was the thing Where it was like And so that's not good either Cause then you have to talk To these weird women In Des Moines And you're like Oh

Oh, yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, yeah. Which, you know. Can be good. Can be good. I would say 60% of the time is good. Sure, sure. You have some that ended wildly. And then 20, you know, nothing. I think everyone, you know. They're all good gals. They're all good gals. And the other thing is like when you are a big, fat, overindulgent, horny piece. Like when that's your front facing public persona. Yeah, yeah. No one, everyone knows what's up.

No one thinks we're going to have a nice breakfast tomorrow. You know what I mean? It's like, you're trying to suck a little dick, trying to see my weird little dick. I'll suck on your titties. We'll watch Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. You talk about your little penis so much that I just want to see it. You're fucking a Guy Fieri in the background. I probably literally have a good amount. Chopped. A lot. Chopped a lot. You need the thought of food to get horny? Yeah.

That's so funny because someone did... Someone was there like, is this part of it for you? She was just roasting me. I'm like, you know what? You need red meat on the screen at a Holiday Inn to get hard? Okay. But that was great. I come when they plate. But so yeah, I don't know, dude. I'm trying to get that shit. Anytime you don't fuck...

too long, like it takes a while, you will be dealing with that one way or another forever. Oh, yeah, they just come to a boiling point. Like if I'm on the road for like 10 days and I come home, I'm like, honey, we gotta do it. But also it's like your shit is a little different. Like we were just, there was no guilt. You weren't raised like Greek Orthodox. I don't know if there's guilt in that at all. I mean, the guilt you get from Greek people is just the like,

They're like, oh, you talked to a Turk today? You looked at Albanian in the eye. Yeah, right there, dude, unfortunately. Albanian? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Our whole, you know, our relationship is built on ironic racism. Yeah.

We've told this story a bunch of times on the podcast. Suck my dick, suck my dick. But Jeff will get a kick out of it. We had a friend's father was such a Greek villager. Eldest wasn't allowed in his home. No way. To this in recent, like 2020 or something? No, no, no. It was 1998. In a way it's worse because it was like when I was a child. I was like in first grade. I remember like I would be on the outside of the fence of my buddy's backyard.

We would go in. We would like bring him sodas from inside. What the fuck? But they wouldn't let him inside. Ha ha ha.

I would just hang outside the fence for a bit. I didn't know the Greeks and Albanians had beef like that. I was joking. I didn't know you guys had. I thought it was more Macedonian than Greek. Well, there is no Macedonia. Oh, it's north of Macedonia. Macedonia does not exist. It's part of greater Greece. Macedonia is a part of Greece. There is no Balkan state that is stealing our fucking name. So let's get that straight. Let's start there.

There we go. That's funny. Because my friend, the guy I do my podcast with is Serbian. His parents are like, you can't date an Albanian. You can't.

You can't date a Bosniak or a scum or whatever. I love that little ethno-rivalry. Yeah, yeah. We don't really get into it with the Serbs. Albania is kind of like our, that's where all our Balkan racism starts and ends. Sure, they're like the hill people or whatever. And we got no beef with, you know, Yugoslavians, you know, or the former Yugoslavians. What's like the Alabama of Greece? Is it like Crete?

No, Crete, I mean, Crete is definitely its own thing. Crete probably is closer to the Texas of Greece. Okay. Where it's like, you know, kind of off to the side. They're kind of like wild cowboys a little bit. Yeah, yeah, kind of their own vibe. Alabama, I mean, it's just the general, like, I mean, we have the same shit. It's like hillbilly. Sure. It's really just not by the ocean.

In the fucking mountains. In the hills. They're just like farmers, shepherds. Exactly. And that's what our friend's family was. They were like that type of, you know, just... Could they tell that you're Albanian by looking at you? Or did they have that, like, that superpower? I don't think so. No, okay. Probably not. But I mean, we knew, you know, everyone... I mean, we didn't have... I mean, it was never a problem for my family, obviously. But it was just so fun. It was like...

you know, our first little glimpse of that. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what the fuck were we talking about before? I cannot remember why I brought that up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, the guilt thing. Yeah, the guilt, Greek Orthodox guilt. No, no, no, there is no, Greek Orthodoxy is, I mean, it's a religion, but no one actually practices it.

Really? It's kind of, it feels a lot like, it's more cultural than anything. It feels a lot like how most Jews are now. Sure, sure. Where it's like, no one really gives a fuck about it. It's just like a heritage. You show up on the big holidays and do that stuff. The weddings are crazy. I went to a Greek Orthodox wedding. They like chase each other around a circle and like,

They're throwing rice. You have to stand the whole time. Yeah, yeah. There's so much standing. There were no pews. You just stood the entire three hours. Oh, wow. No pews. It was in Wisconsin. They had like a huge creek thing. They didn't have pews? No, you just stood the entire time. Because our thing is like you're allowed to sit half the time. Oh, no. I wish. But they tell you when you can stand. There were some old ladies wobbling. I was like, why did you let her sit? It's like grandma sit. No, in my church, you only really had to stand up during the like –

During the like You know The gospel part Right You know But you could sit down On some bullshit Was it in Greek still? In Greek Our church was half Greek It was like How I guess Some Catholics will do Roman And they do a little Latin too A little Latin plus English Yeah Ours is You do this You basically are doing The service twice Really? Because you do every part In Greek and every part In English Oh my god Yeah It's fucking crazy Insanity I love that I love that But

But we don't, we never. You're not told like masturbation is going to make you blind or whatever. A little bit, but not, but you would just blow it off. But it's like a wink and a nod. It's like, don't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it was like, like they would say, don't do it. And then it's like, you know, when we went to Greece, it's like my cousin's trying to sneak my 12 year old brother out.

to take him to a brothel. You know what I mean? Those are the cultural values. We caught him. He didn't rape my brother through a Russian prostitute. Oh, man. That's crazy. But he thought he was doing... That's him thinking he's being an awesome older cousin. You know what I mean? I'm going to get you statutory raped tonight because I'm chill. Yeah.

Oh, wow. So there was no really religious guilt there. It was just more like the traditional, you know, like, I left my country for you guilt. Okay, yeah, we remember where we're from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're ungrateful. Sure. Like, I did all this for you guilt. Oh, you have the immigrant guilt. But not, no, no. Is there an anti-gay thread in Greek Orthodox theology?

Yeah, I mean, there's... That's just a world thing. That's just a world thing where it's like, it's this weird thing where... I mean, Greece is so interesting because it's... So much of it is tourism, right? Sure. So any place, even if without tourism it would have been conservative, like...

It's open to anyone that's going to spend money. They almost have to fake liberalism to make money. It's been around so long that it's not even fake. Right. It's like this, yeah, whatever. Because Greece has always been like, people are tourists there. People are traveling through there. They're like, we got to allow this infidel shit going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to make our money. But then you spend enough time with people like that and you're like, you just, the human thing takes over where you're like, oh yeah, these are fucking. Right.

You guys got the gay out thousands of years ago. And that's the other thing. It's like, who are Greek? It's so funny because there are Greek. But it's, but so like, that's the people that interact with gay people from like foreign gay people, whatever. But then you do still have this crazy conservative shit of like, like I think like gay marriage just...

Oh, really? Oh, like very recently. And I remember it was like I was having dinner with a friend of a... Like a friend's family and their family. So these are people I don't know at all. Yeah. Like I barely know... Like I know the guy. And so I'm like, whatever. We happen to be in the same thing. Yeah, I'll go. I'll have some fucking dinner with your family. And like I also like...

I like when people only speak Greek. Oh, you're fluent? Yeah. Oh, that's fun. I'm fluent, but you're in America, so I don't get a chance to speak. So I'm like, this will be fun. Just throw me in there. And I'm good at... I'm fluent, but I'm like the way an eighth grader talks. Sure. They're like, oh, you're a retarded Greek boy. I have to pause. Yeah, yeah. I have to pause too much.

Dude, these people are like, they're like, they happen to be conservative. And that's another weird thing is like, I don't know. Cause my family's pretty liberal even in Greece. Like, you know, everyone is pretty left leaning. And so I didn't, but it does have like the history of Greece, your history buff, you know, it's like,

It all boils down to people that came from communists or people that came from fascists. Yes. And it's like there was a civil war after World War II. Yeah, right after World War II, yeah. And so like everyone pretty... So it's like... They've kind of picked a side since then. Yeah, like the left-leaning people all kind of have their roots in communism and the right-leaning people have their roots in like fascism, like coup shit, you know, like royalist shit. Yeah, you had the king for a long time. Yeah, we had a weird German king who can suck my dick. Yeah.

Was it Constantine or something? Or who is it? I don't remember. Or George or something like that? I think, yeah. And yeah, and Philip was born in Greece. The one, the guy who was the Prince Regent or whatever. Oh, okay. The Queen's. You had like a military dictatorship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In 67, we had it because, because a fucking social Democrat was about to be elected. And

We can't have that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't have poor people have rights. Yeah, totally. And so these people were definitely from the fascists. Oh, really? Like, I wonder what they're... They're dropping out of Jews control the media. You're like, I didn't know how to say that in Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're learning the fascist Greek. Well, something happened around the 40s that, you know, after that, there weren't that many Jews left in Greece. Yeah.

But if there were, they would be thinking that about the media. There's not a Jewish population. Not really, no. There used to be. There used to be, yeah, right, like Salonika and shit. Salonika, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big Jewish population. Yeah, huge. But so, dude, and they were just straight up like, and I guess the equivalent of the Republicans in Greece were in control, and they were like, you know, I like their policies, but

If he lets homos get married, I don't think I can support him anymore. And this is like an eight-year-old at the dinner table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, this was two years ago. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, two years ago. This is still, that's crazy. Two years ago. Wow. Where it was just like, he was offended to his core that gay people would be allowed. Like, it was, he couldn't even, he felt betrayed on a deep level. And it's just like, how the fuck? And exactly, we...

we started gay shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aristotle, Plato. They were doing gay shit. Yeah, that's cool. We are gay as, like, the whole, the whole, you know, civilization is built on gay shit. And it's like, to turn your back on it is fucking crazy. And pedophilia, don't forget. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah.

Times are different. Some might say maybe a little more pedophilia. Age was different back then. You died earlier. Exactly. 12 was 25. 12, exactly. You do the proportionate math. Yeah. Promising 12-year-old 2T that you're teaching geometry. Yeah.

That's like being a college professor. And is it a little wrong when a college professor fucks a student? Yeah, but it's not crazy. How are you going to learn the earth is round without fucking a kid? There's no way. It's impossible. They really loved fucking kids, man. It's crazy. Yeah, that's a tough beat for us.

You got to take the good with the bad. You had your heyday. What can I say? The Greeks had a good time. You had a good time. But yeah, so no, we just didn't have that shit. But I mean, a lot of Catholics and you had it crazy. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I went to Catholic school. Is there a Greek Orthodox school? There's Greek school after. Oh, like on the weekend or whatever? I went two times a week and on the week. So yeah, three times a week. Oh, that's a lot.

I just went to Catholic school just regularly. We had to go to mass during school and all that. Mastering school? Yeah, we had to go to church during school. That was great. The classes were shorter. They're like, you've got to listen to this pedophile talk. You don't learn math today. Father Tom's going to look at you. The opposite. See, at least the Greek pedophiles taught you something. Your pedophiles are taking you out of class to hear them talk.

Yeah, you don't learn anything from Father Tom. No, no, no. Just like not to use teeth. Yeah, fuck. I was going to say to maintain eye contact. Maintain eye contact. A very good lesson as well. That was the Wild West. I'm like, oh, he got me. I outdrew you. Greedo drew first. Yeah, yeah. There we go. He got me. I had my hand on the holster.

Catholicism rocks though. I still have a little like love for it deep down. Yeah. Catholic music is beautiful. That's like a weird, I love him. I like the hymns. I don't know why something deep down. Yeah.

Stained glass is beautiful. Stained glass, hymns, and the incense. Because Greek Orthodoxy is a lot of the same shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a good vibe. It's a great vibe. And incense is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're, like, saying, vote Republican and kill gay people on the pulpit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, can we just watch football? It's Sunday. Come on. Yeah. I would love to meditate in a church with, like, the hymns going and the stained glass window. And you're just like... I would love to just sit in there and, like, but...

I don't want to hear the teachings. Yeah, yeah. They was always, always a complete trash. They were always perverts. They would like, there was a thing at our school where the girls wore skirts and the teachers would put like fans by the door. There was like a couple of teachers that were notorious for putting up blowing fans by the doors. You're like, oh, those are the teachers. Those are the teachers. They weren't even the priests. They were just adjacent. Yeah, yeah.

They were all doing it. And we were like, thank you. Thank you. That's great. I always wanted to see what it was like under there. Yeah, it was incredible. It's so weird that that's like the thing at Catholic schools. The girls got to wear skirts. It's like God wants the boys to be horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How could we learn geometry if we're not half chubbed up? There's no way. I know, because it's not like in the rest of Catholic dealings like –

are allowed to wear pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why can't girls just wear slacks? Well, they could wear slacks, but they were lesbians then. That was kind of the unspoken rule at Catholic school. They were like three girls who wore slacks and they were lesbians. And I was just like, okay, I guess we know who's going to have

It's good to know. Actually, our senior year, in the yearbook where you win superlatives, this lesbian couple won best couple and they wouldn't let them be in the yearbook. They had to re-vote. They're like, we won't allow that smut in the yearbook. They censored them. We're glad they did. And you're safer for it. Life is good.

God damn. That's, so you still, do you think that like, when you're saying you still have like some love for it deep down, you just like the traditional aspect of it? Are you, are you still religious? Ah, no. Ah, no. I think there's some lessons to be learned from it, but no, I think Orthodox religion is, it's obviously stupid. It's crazy. It's stupid. But like, there's still like, if you believe in it, you're a complete moron. But like,

No offense, but you're a complete idiot. No offense to 75% of the world, or actually probably 90% of the world. I think it's probably like 70%. Atheism's up, I think. Atheism's on the upward trend. If you combine Christianity...

In Islam, you think it's less than 70%? And people who say they're Christian, I would maybe check it on the census, but I wouldn't. Oh, you would check it? I think I probably would because you're raised in that worldview. I'm always going to see the world through that eyes, whether I want to or not. And I studied religion in college, so I like this shit. I find it interesting. It is very interesting. It's crazy that people kill people over it. That is fascinating that people bombed a...

comic book in Amsterdam because they drew the prophet Muhammad. That's wild. That's crazy. It is insane. To this day, people will kill over

We probably shouldn't have even mentioned that. That was probably a bad call to even mention that. No, but I'm with you, though, because I am fascinated by it. Especially when you look at the history of Christianity, it's like this little obscure sect of Judaism, essentially, where they were... At that time, like...

a guy a day claimed to be the Messiah. Oh, there's so many other prophets. At that time, it was like, there was literally like a new Messiah every, and Jesus kind of flopped.

In his era, he did. He did flop. It wasn't popular for like 100 years. It really wasn't. And then it was just like they caught a couple weird breaks with like Saul. They got in the algorithm a little bit. They literally... Christianity got in the algorithm. They got in the algorithm. Christianity's Bobby Althoff. Where it's like, this? Everyone believes this? What the fuck happened here? Where it's just like, how the fuck did this happen? Where it was like, yeah, it kind of was this weird random thing and then...

Yeah. I don't, and then, I mean, I have to look at it more, but I've gotten, I'm getting kind of into like middle ages shit. Oh yeah. Middle ages is great. It's so interesting, but I guess so much. Back when women were in their place. Back when we had rich hunts for good reasons. Sleeping in the barn. Yeah.

Where everybody slept with their donkey and shit like that. Well, yeah, that's what I've always thought. Because, like, Islam is in the year, like, 1400. Like, everyone's like, they're so backwards. It's like, they're just doing what we did in the year 1400. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just younger than we are, you know. That's also probably not going to go over well for the people online. Well, I do think, I mean, I do think, I mean, the, like, I guess before Islam, the, like...

Is it like the Arab world? Or I don't know what... Like, they were so advanced mathematically and shit. Oh, yeah, they invent... Algebra's named after an Arab. Al-Jabbar, yeah, it's named after an Arab guy. Karim Abdul-Jabbar is named after Karim Abdul-Jabbar. It might be. But I do think, like, I mean, it is... I do think there is something to...

It is wild. There's no way, like, religion didn't put a little stop to that. You know what I mean? Oh, sure. Where it's like they were crushing it, and then it's like, you know, somebody probably said, science is the devil. Yeah, yeah, no more math. And then it's like, and then it's over. No more math, yeah, yeah. Because the church would do that thing, too, where it's like, at times, it was the most scientifically progressive religion.

And then they would be like, we're actually going to burn you. Yeah. And it's like, yeah. So it's like this. It's just it is fascinating. But yeah, it's just fascinating to look at it from a historical perspective. Like, how the fuck did Christianity just become this? It's crazy. We're seeing it right now in Mormonism. Like, that's a new religion that's popping off. They're kind of popping off. Oh, it's like the fastest growing religion. Yeah. Mormonism is like trending upwards. Yeah. Because people are stupid. It's like big in Asia. Yeah.

get the fuck out of here. I'm pretty sure it's going huge in like China and like Southeast Asia. Mormons are, they're, it's programmed, they have to be missionaries for a year. So it's like a pyramid scheme. It's just an MLM for Joseph Smith. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. That's so interesting. I had no idea. It's like rapidly growing. Wow, that's an interesting point, but I

I think what I need right now, Jeffrey, is the smoothest cannabis smoking experience possible. One second. Ah, yes. A beautiful freeze pipe. My preferred method of smoking cannabis. Don't believe me? Just watch, folks. Wow, that's wonderful, Jeffrey. What do I fucking love about this? Well, folks, what do I love about the freeze pipe? Ignore what just happened. We'll cut around that.

What I love about the freeze pipe, Jeffrey, is the secret detachable glycerin chambers. What I have right here in my hand right now. You put them in the freezer. They cool, okay? You leave them in there one hour, and as smoke passes through, it's instantly chilled by over 300 degrees. That's right. That little cough you heard earlier, that's because I have asthma, and I probably shouldn't smoke. But my doctor said if you're going to do it, use a freeze pipe.

That's right, pal. I want you to get a freeze pipe. You know what? Before you leave, we're handing you one, and you let us know the next time you come on how much you liked it.

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You got to do it. Isn't that right, Eldis? Absolutely. The Freeze Pipe is a wonderful smoking experience. That's right. You heard it from my Albanian producer. Go to thefreezepipe.com, code STAVI for 10% off. Anyway, Jeff...

I bet you wish you could smoke it, but you haven't earned it yet. Maybe next time. Yeah, yeah. It's like doubling every like 10 years or so. We got to do, we got to cover that on Kush Brothers, Elvis. Once a month we do a news program where we get high and read the news. Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, talk about the Mormon growth. Mormons are, Scientology's huge. Yeah, yeah. Come back for a, you smoke weed? Oh, yeah. All right, come back for a Kush Brothers episode. Oh, I would love that. That would be fun. We'll cover the Mormon church.

What are we? Are we ready to go to questions here, Eldest? What do you think? Yeah, we're at 56 minutes right now. Let's do some fucking questions. There we go. This is where they leave you voicemails, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this. Nice. Your expertise is as a quarter century of not getting pussy. We'll come in. It's going to be a lot of sex problems. We'll come in here. Probably. I'll have some great sage advice. Yeah. Mostly sex and theology. Okay. Oh, yeah. There we go.

Go ahead, LD. Play us in. Hey, Stav. It's Joe. Hey, Stav. It's Joe. Hi, Joe. Big fan of the show. So, yeah, I've got a real moral dilemma here. So I've been with my girlfriend for about seven months, and I love her. I haven't actually told her that, but I do. Ha, ha, ha.

You're telling me before you tell her? It's fucking wild, bro. A little early to be in love, too. Seven months, come on, man. I go back and forth. If he feels that way, let him say it. If he's saying it to me, you got to tell your girlfriend. You can't tell me before you tell her, man. She's like a big fan. She's like, he told stop? Not me? What the fuck? Where is he going? He's going to Colorado. I told her that, but I do...

And now I'm really second guessing it a bit. So I went out to her hometown. I live in Colorado now and like it out there. But so I went to her hometown, which is in the south. And basically her family and her friends had some choice words for

Yeah.

If you could give me a little bit of advice on what I could do here, maybe a test that I could do. A test? Ask her who the greatest Boston Celtics player is. She says, Larry Bird, you've got to get out of there. You've got to get out of there.

That's wild. You got to hear Russell. You're looking for Russell. Robert Parrish is a cool answer, though, too. Kevin McHale. I don't think that's racist. That's actually cool. I like that. So I think we know what the choice words were. Maybe what you mean is choice words. Yeah. Maybe they brought back some of the old timey ones, though, too. That's true. Oh, wow. I mean, I think you got to get out.

Yeah, I mean... He can't. Here's the thing. What's kind of giving me pause is that he's like, this doesn't necessarily make her racist. It's not a deal breaker for him. Well, no, no. But it is just like... It's like...

What you want to hear in this situation is like, this is shocking. I'd never expect this from my girlfriend. Because certainly plenty of people come from dumb racist families that break out and they're like even a little embarrassed of where they come from. It's like, look, I can't change them. They're my family. We'll have some awkward Thanksgivings, but this is...

I'm not getting the sense like his girlfriend is vehemently anti-racist. Yeah. You know what I mean? Is she laughing along to these choice words? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does she sing Kendrick Lamar when it comes on? That's what we got to know. Yeah. So that now I'm more interested in the kind of tests.

he would like. Like, what kind of tests are you expecting her to do? What's a good test to see if your girlfriend is racist or not? Say BLM, is it Blue Lives Matter or Black Lives Matter? That's a pretty good test. Oh, yeah, actually, no joke. Get a fucking, like, thin blue line t-shirt and see how she responds. Right, right.

And get a really tough, get like the Punisher. You know what I mean? Like get some fucking wild shit. Telling her stories about crime in Chicago. See how she reacts. Talk about how scared you are of every big city. Yeah.

You hear about this black-on-black crime, babe? It's an issue, and the Democrats won't deal with it. I think that could be a good test. Mention homeless encampments. That's an adjacent one as well. Yes, does she feel bad for homeless people? Does she think they should be exterminated? Yeah, I get that.

Does she think we have some moral obligation living in the richest society in the history of the world to do something about it? Or does she think they're all lazy animals? Does she prefer the alien ant farm version of smooth criminal? Uh,

I just thought the original was a little too funky. So, yeah, dude, I think, yeah, I'm with you, though. It's like, because if you're not, if you're not, if you don't know whether she's racist or not and her family is racist...

It's not looking great. Yeah, if she's close with them, it's probably... It's not looking great. Even if you don't believe, it still seeps into you. You heard that shit when you were a kid. It sticks with you. I mean, this fucking guy still believes in Catholicism on some level. Exactly. You know what I mean? I still do the sign of the cross a couple times a week. Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I don't know. Someone who's fucking racist and shit with a racist fuck family... First, racist fuck family is...

as close to a deal breaker off the bat as possible. And so I'm also curious about, like, here's the other thing. It's not just that they say it.

It's that this was his first visit. Oh, yeah. They didn't have any qualms about saying it. This wasn't like they can't even hide it for the first visit. Were they sober? I'd like to know if they were sober. Not that it matters, but it'd be interesting if they did it sober first time. Right, right, right. If it's sober first time, you're out. You got to get out of there.

They said it before they asked his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hear what that guy did in Montgomery? He beat up those poor white people. You know?

So yeah, I'm aiming towards, and it's like, this isn't a friend that you see sometimes. This isn't somebody you play like pickup fucking hoops with. This isn't like, you know, you're trying to start a life with someone. Can you love a racist? Can you love a racist? What does that say about you? What does that say about you? Yeah, let's say, and like, I know you don't want to get too, too ahead of yourself, but it's like, you want to have kids whose grandfather is this guy. Right. You know what I mean? Like that's,

That sticks in the blood. That's in there, yeah. It skips a generation. They come out. Yeah, they come out. Even more racist. So, you know, I don't know. Try some of our patented tests. Yeah, yeah. That we outlined. The alien ant farmer. She starts bobbing her head, get out of there. But, yeah, now I see why he maybe hasn't told her yet. You know, I think maybe you were right and maybe it's time to. Does she think Malcolm X was a little too loud and out there?

Yeah, yeah. When her grandparents never supported Martin Luther King at the time, but now everything... He did it the right way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now anytime a rock gets thrown, they're like, the beautiful reverend would have never done that. Yeah, she pro-Second Amendment, but not for the Black Panthers. Yeah, yeah. That's a good one. So good luck. Good luck, buddy. Yeah, good luck. Wouldn't want to be you, I guess.

I'd be probably out of there personally. Yeah. I don't think I could deal with that, man. No, that's a... Because it's funny because we just talked about this in theory and then I thought about like if my fucking girlfriend's like...

not just said one racist thing, but we're saying it so much it left a mark of... Yeah. Like, you'd have to say something. As a guy who my parents are kind of... They have their racist moments. It's not good. It's not good. You gotta really fight back. Racist moments, black girlfriend, huh? Yeah, yeah. How's that going? They...

my mom thought she was Italian. She's only half black. So my mom saw a picture like, Oh, Italian girl. I was like, wishful thinking. All right. Okay. Very nice. Uh, so yeah, I think I don't, I personally don't think I could, I think that's all you're only seven months in. It's not like you're seven years. Yeah. I think you get out of it. Yeah. Hit us with another one. Eld. Hey, savvy. Love the show. Big fan. Um,

Hoping he could help me with an issue I've been having. I have this guy who has done a couple of my tattoos. I met him when I was 18 and impulsively got a nose piercing. Ever since then, I've followed him. I've always kept up with him. I liked his work, but he always, you know, was like liking my stuff on Instagram, like was always in my DMs, but he's like 12 years older than me and he has a kid, so I was never interested.

The pandemic rolled around and I was very sad and bored. So I hit him up and we hooked up like a couple of times. I was like a really dumb 22 year old. And fast forward a couple of years. The last time I spoke to him was when he did one of my tattoos. This was in like 2021. And he had tried to hook up with me after that.

the tattoo was finished in the shop, but I had almost passed out and I also just didn't want to. Yeah, you didn't have to have a health problem. I also didn't have, I didn't have consent and I was a little ouchy boo-boo on my arm. That's also so wild to be a tattoo artist who knows how much a tattoo can fuck you up and be like, all right, time to take some dick. Time to shine while she's in pain. Yeah.

Jesus, that's a skeevy move. And I also just didn't want to, so I never spoke to him again. But to this day, he still DMs me and likes every single thing I do or post on Instagram. And he's also made very suggestive artwork about me. He's posted some drawings of me and just

uh, is generally still pretty obsessed. I haven't spoken to him in three years and, um, I have this tattoo by him and everyone's like, Whoa, what a, what a cool guy. What a cool tattoo. Yeah. Yeah.

And all that's to say, like, I think he's a great artist and I would love to get another tattoo from him, but I just don't want to get fucking assaulted. Yeah. So what would you do? Wow. I mean, it sounds like he's a once in a generation talent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How good is he the Michael Jackson of tattooing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes genius comes with fucked up foibles. Yeah. I don't know. I think there's a...

There's got to be another tattoo guy. Yeah. There's a few tattoo artists in the world. I think we don't go back. No question. He can't be that good. 100%. I mean, look, I even think, like, this is crazy because, you know, you can have a bad experience with, like, this is, you know, let's say somebody looks up like a musician or something. It's like, ah, that sucks, but, and it was weird. Yeah, yeah. It's like, all right, well, you just take them off the Spotify playlist. Right. This is on your body.

Yeah. That's kind of fucking crazy. And then people ask you about who did it and you can't be like, I mean, you could be like, he tried to assault me, but like, that's a tough conversation. He was a weird creep who I hooked up with once. Who has kids and is married. And he can't fucking take an O for an answer. Yeah. What if the tattoo is a swastika? Yeah.

Everyone's like, no one can quite do swastikas like Kenny. There's just no one else in the world who gets the angles quite right. I'm sure it's a great tattoo. Yeah. So, I mean, there is no, in my mind, there is absolutely no question. You're right. There's got to be, there's a different tattoo guy. There's many. And yeah, and like many and many different ones. And it's like. Posting the art about her, that's just pathetic. The art about you is like close to being like,

Like, I understand if you just don't want anything to do with this motherfucker, so you don't want to even bring it up. But him posting suggestive art about you is something you could be like, hey, don't fucking do that. Like, you're being really weird. Yeah, I get that she wouldn't want to reach out to him, but that is tough. You don't want to start... Yeah, you probably want to let sleeping dogs lie, but definitely do not get attacked by this guy. I would even go so far as to say, like,

can you get someone to change the tattoo he made? Yeah. Like so that you don't have like this reminder. Or just say someone else did it. Don't give him the credit. Give a different guy credit. Say a dead tattoo artist made it. Yeah, right, exactly. You know what I mean? And so, I mean, part of me wonders, because by the way, this wasn't that long ago.

She says they hooked up during the pandemic and he, like, since then, like, tried to fucking... He came on to her, assaulted her. And so it's also possible you haven't really even worked through some of this shit. Sure. Because this is, like, a weird...

I think you should completely... I mean, I would even say fucking block this guy. Oh, block him for sure. Oh, God, yeah. And so... But certainly, certainly, certainly do not go back to this fucking guy's shop. Don't get a tattoo from him. Don't... I think you gotta get out, you know... And it'd be... Again, it'd be a totally different thing if this was just like, we hooked up once, I didn't want it to go on, he hit me up a couple other times, and...

He was a little pushy, but I was like, no thanks. And he respected that. That's different. The constant DMs. But the constant DMs and they're like, this is what he's done. You know, you haven't hooked up with him in, you know, years at this point. And he's still behaving this way. And it's like...

This guy's a problem for you, I think, one way or another. And I would just stay completely shy of him. I would not get involved in this motherfucker at all. And yeah, it's actually... This is a good opportunity for you to break out of your shell a little bit. Do a little fucking research. Go to a different city.

You know what I mean? There's better tattoo artists out there. Yeah, where do you even live? She's like, I'm in Mississippi. He's the best. He's the only guy. He's the best in Biloxi. I guarantee you go to New York, L.A., Toronto, Vancouver, wherever the fuck, you'll find a better tattoo artist than this guy. Yeah, there's no way. He's not that unique. Definitely not. Block him. Nothing better than a good block on Instagram. Feels good to block. Throw it at him.

Yeah. It sucks for women. I feel like we've gotten like a similar call like this before where it's like, oh, these guys that I used to go on the date with like are just showing up to places based on where I'm posting on Instagram. Like I went on like one or two dates with them and like the sort of underlying thing that's like similar to this is like, you know,

it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to rock the boat or be a bitch. It's like, be a bitch, dude. Cut these fucking weirdos out. Like, don't, don't have any second thoughts about just cutting out people with like weird fucking behaviors. You're like not being a fully like, no, you know, just like,

You know, like I said, like imagine your friend is telling you like she's going through what you're going through. Like, what would your reaction be if you hear like someone else going through that? Yeah, you're fully you're 100 percent right. And I also feel for this girl because it's like, first of all, you're still young. Like she's still what, 25. But even by doing the math, she's still like 25. He's she said he's 12 years older than her, whatever, you know.

I think she said married, too, or had a kid. I don't think. Tattoo artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. I don't think he's married. Sure, sure. So I'm sure what's probably also strange here is that I'm sure it's so disappointing to this guy who is very talented, right? She's probably into it. You know, I'm just guessing she's into tattoos. Like people who are just starting to get cool tattoos, like they save up for them and they really like their artists and they really plan it out. And you're probably really into this culture. Yeah.

And it's probably so disappointing that this guy who you thought was this fucking, like, you had him on this pedestal. Yeah. You're realizing he's just a piece of shit guy like everyone else. Yeah. Like, that's got to be tough. That's how we feel about D'Elia. Right. Oh, yeah. There was never a master of the craft like him.

That's the most easy, like, fuck that guy of all time. Oh, I know. It's like, well, I mean, look, he never made what Louie made. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. He didn't change all of stand-up comedy. He was just like, get a good Drake impression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. And he was a pedophile. You know, uh...

So, like, I'm sure that's, like, a disappointing thing. And it's also, like, this guy's such a fucking loser because it's, like, I bet you if he just was, like, a cool guy that played his cards right, he could just, like, you know, if he was not a creep...

I'm sure our friend here might have even hooked up with him a couple more times. Oh, yeah. If he didn't like her, all her stuff, and DM her, she'd probably get a tattoo every 18 months. They'd hook up, and life would go on. Exactly. Until she got into a relationship. He's somebody that sounds like she admired him, whatever, but...

You also know this is not the only woman he's doing this to. He's doing this to like any female client who's shown any interest. So this is, you gotta... Well, actually, you can hope that because it would actually be worse for our friend here if he was like, you know, obsessing on her. Oh, sure, sure. Or like just a handful of people. Because then if she blocks him, he has enough 15 other women to bother still. That's best case scenario, right? But yeah, it's like...

Yeah, under no circumstances can you fucking get a tattoo from this guy. No, no. You can't. You got to, you know. And it's up to you to what you feel comfortable to the level. And I agree with you all just about to, like, be a bitch, whatever. But it's also, like, do it to where you feel comfortable and safe. Because sometimes these guys will lash out. Exactly. If they're like, you fucking balked me. And then fucking, that's when they go wild. Yeah, you don't want that either. But definitely keep your distance. He's not...

Good enough at tattoos. There's no one good enough at tattoos to make you feel this way. Except the Michelangelo of the body. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you would have to, he'd have to be so good at tattoos that every second you look at it, not only do you not think of him, but you just feel nothing but overwhelming warmth and happiness. That's how good he'd have to be at tattoos for this to be worth it. Yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to see a picture of the tattoo and see how good it is. Yeah, it's not like, hey. What if it's just like a terrible squiggle and she just has bad taste? That's possible. Just like a really bad Bart Simpson face. Yeah, I mean, you're acting like he's the one doctor in a post-apocalyptic society. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your fucking leukemia will, he won't be cured. He's the only one with the antidote. Yeah, yeah. Cut him off, cut him off. He's gone. Get him gone. Next question, Big Eldie.

What up, Stav? Love the podcast. First time caller. So I got a pretty fucked up situation. I basically slept with my best friend. And it pretty much ruined our friendship. Okay, classic. Yeah, it was kind of inevitable. Like we...

Hanging out all the time and it just kind of happened. It's not really anybody's fault or anything and If she was kind of really into it because it was just like forbidden thing because she was dating my really good friends for like years She's actually so you didn't fuck your best friend and

you fucked your best friend's ex-girlfriend. Like, let's get, let's, anyway, let's finish this. I'm sorry. This is so much worse than just a guy who's tried to fuck his best friend many times. That was like my friend's own thing. She won't fuck me. Bad idea. Bad idea. Anyway, this is, so there's, there's way more of this than he even let on in the beginning. I'm sorry. Go ahead, Elders. And he still doesn't know. Um,

And I'm kind of, like, stressed about that. I don't think he's going to really care because it's been a while, but it's still just, like, all this stress with, like, the mutual friends, the ex, all this, like, messy situation. I've, like, avoided some parties because I knew that, you know, some people were going to be there. She was going to be there. We stopped talking because she was really hurt because I didn't want to date her. I was kind of telling her we should just stay friends, and she...

Yeah, started kind of like using me as a punching bag and I felt really bad about it. Because I don't like, you know, rejecting anybody and, you know, I've been in her shoes. So I was kind of prostrating, kind of like, you know, letting her kind of take it out on me for a little while. And then I kind of cut her off at some point. So yeah, basically, we didn't want to date because we were going to ruin our friendship. But we ended up ruining our friendship anyway. Pause this.

First of all, there's no we. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wanted to date you. She wanted to date you. Yeah. And you didn't want to not date her not to ruin the friendship. That's lunacy. You just didn't want to date this girl. What you're saying is we didn't want to ruin...

didn't want to ruin our friendship means I wanted to fuck her once and then never deal with any consequences whatsoever after that that's what not ruining the friendship is so you're being delusional there anyway finish this and then we can go we do the whole thing um so yeah question is not really like how to like become friends with her again like I don't really care about that so much but more just like how do you how would you navigate this situation um

Because, you know, in the meantime, I'm, like, just trying to see someone else or meet new people. But it's, like, just been really stressful and, like, kind of fucking with my head. Thanks. Yeah. Love the show. See ya. Okay. I think this guy really fucked up. Yeah.

It's like you really fucked up, buddy. He certainly did. I don't know what you should have done, but everything wrong, it seems like. Everything the opposite of what you did. Yes. Yeah. If you're going to fuck your best friend...

You either got to talk about it before you do it. Absolutely. You can't just stumble into it one drunken night. And by the way, I'm a little dubious of your retelling of this, of his retelling. I'd like to hear her side. Fully, fully, fully. I'd be very interested. Because I... Did he lead her on? Exactly. Yeah. Because earlier in the call, he was saying it was nobody's fault when it's like...

who the fuck said it was someone's fault? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, to me that says it was his fault. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To me it's like, if you're throwing out proactively, it was no one's fault. She went on a vacation with my family. I don't know why she thought we were dating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. It seems like it might have gone further than, was it once? Was it every night for a month? Right, right, right. We got it all the time. No, no, no. And it might have just been once. Who knows? But it's like, you were a little naive to think

that you didn't want to ruin the friendship. Once you fuck, you know what you're doing, bro. Yeah, yeah. And then, at least there's no going back. I'm not saying you can't be friends with people you fuck. That's one of the coolest friendships there are. Sure, sure, I agree. But...

That feels like winning the lottery, right? When you have a friend who just will fuck you sometimes, you're like, you're the fucking coolest person of all time. Thank you for coming into my life. I love you more than my family and who I will end up marrying. But the second, because it stays in that realm where she really just wants to be your friend but also will fuck you. It's the coolest thing of all time. You get the best of everything. There is no, there is no like,

feeling weird about it. There's just feeling like you won the lottery. There's just like, it's all dessert. It's like all dessert with no tummy ache. This guy tried that, but he fumbled the bag. But he didn't even try that. He tried to act like nothing happened. He was just not in that situation at all. You were with someone who wanted to date you, but because you were already friends, you were kind of lying to yourself that it was all because of the friendship.

And by the way, the best friend dated her years ago. Like that means nothing. Right. That's like meaningless. Well, I, in my opinion, no, I think there's something weird there too, because to me that signifies that. And maybe I'm getting a little, a little, you know, caveman brain here, but it's like, is she really your best friend? Right. She dated your really good friend. Like, did you, did you know her before him?

Like that situation is a little interesting. Did you introduce them to each other? I'd like to know that. What's going on there? You know, and is she truly your best friend or is this somebody who wasn't, you know, maybe she's a good friend, maybe somebody you've known for a while who liked you, who started hanging out with you more. Yeah.

who maybe you, this is actually the male version of friend zoning. You do actually fuck them. You know what I mean? We still get to fuck. We still get to fuck, right? We have patriarchy lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get to fuck and then you're like, I changed my mind.

Sample the product. We'll be making an order. Whereas women won't fuck you even once. We're basically canceling after the seven-day trial's done. Before they charge the credit card, I'm like, okay, I tried it. That's enough MGM+. Yeah.

I saw the one movie I wanted. I saw the one Clint Eastwood movie I wanted to see. Does he have to tell his friend? His male friend? So, yeah. So, after we just kind of hit him over the head and just shit on him, now let's actually give him some like what to do here.

You got to tell your male friend, otherwise you're going to be skipping these parties forever. If the guy's mad, then that's the end of the friendship, whatever. But you can't do this like weird, like will they, won't they? Can't do that. 100%. What you need to do now is talk to him. You have to stop. And you also have to clear the air with her on some level, right? Like you can't leave it in this weird, I let her use me as a punching bag, which what you mean is,

She had valid complaints and I heard them. I know. This guy is doing so much lying to himself in this question where it's like, no, dude, you fucked up. First of all, you have to come to terms with that. That you kind of... And look, maybe we're wrong. We're probably not. But...

Maybe we're wrong here. But really be honest with yourself. And like, did you lead her on a little bit? Did you know on some level this is how she would react? And you were just using the, again, you reverse, you were doing the male, like a girl won't fuck you because she'll say, I don't want to ruin the friendship. Yeah. And then a guy will be like, well, I don't want to date you because I don't want to ruin the friendship, right? Can't we just have everything? Are you just trying to do that on some level? Mm-hmm.

but you have to see you have to admit to yourself you fucked up and you have to be honest with her and you have to apologize you can't expect to be best friends but you should still talk to this girl you at least you at least need to have this be the thing you can be in the same room as her exactly exactly or you

You have to give it a shot and you see if it's completely irreparable. And then you're like, all right, fine. Then I just fucked my way out of this friend group. Right. And which is, it's, that's, you might have done that. I don't know. Right. Or you realize you might've wanted to date this girl.

Yeah, exactly. This guy's been lying to himself. If his other friend's not mad at all, maybe he's like, oh, shit. Yeah. We could date. Maybe. That's possible. Who knows? You guys be on it. Probably not. Probably not. Probably not. But try it out. If I had to guess, you've kamikaze this friend group. He might need a new friend group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start Pilates. Maybe do a pottery class. You're going to need to meet some new people. Yes. Yeah.

But because we're your boys and your boys are keeping it real with you, you fucked up and you have an alarming amount of delusion in the way you're describing this to us. Or you're at least, here's what we always say on this show, it's like, we're your lawyers.

So don't lie to us. Let us make the case to the judge. He's doing a lot of defending himself in court right now. Where it's like, no, no, no, this is not what this show is. We know the laws. This show is you give us the facts and we'll spin it for you, but don't try and spin us. Yeah, could he get her to phone in one time? I'd like to hear her side too. I'd love that. That's the first time he talks to her in months. Could you call stop?

I really want to figure this out. He's blaming her a little bit, maybe. He's just not taking any blame for the situation. Yeah, he's not red-pilled. He's a little pink-pilled here. A little slightly. A little crystal-light pink lemonade. Yeah, yeah.

I think. I've been there, brother. I get it. I get it. I get it. And yeah, and even the like saying he's prostrating himself and weird shit like that. It's like, no, you were just getting... Yeah, she's punching bag. She was pissed. Like she was mad. You did something fucked up to her, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Like you probably did a little something fucked up to her. You probably whispered some sweet nothings to her and then in the morning you're like, I didn't mean that. It was just like post-nut clarity. What about our friendship? Yeah, it was like that post-nut babbling. I love you. We should really date. And then...

And in the morning he's like, fuck. I didn't mean that. That's a little... We've all done that before. We've all been there. You got to admit that's what you were doing. But admit... Exactly. Admitting is the first step. And admitting it to yourself first and foremost because you just... In the future, the rest of your life, when you fuck up...

Not being honest with yourself will just make every situation worse. Yeah. And I think you're doing a little bit of that. I think you just... You're a little embarrassed of your conduct. You feel you fucked up and you don't... You just got to take some responsibility. Sure, sure. At least to yourself. At least to yourself. Yeah, yeah. You can't be in this fucking weird lying about what really happened. And you can't be not going to parties and being around people. You got to do something. Either cut out the friend group or figure it out. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, talk to your friend and try and clear the air with her and then just...

You'll know if you've fucked up that friend group or if you need to move on. Agreed. That's a good one. Let's get a couple more here. That was a good one, though. He's pretty young, it sounds like. Hopefully. What if it's like a 55-year-old guy? Talking about his best friend. 50-year-old man talking about his best friend. Still going to house parties. Cool. Hey, Stubbros.

Okay, so a few days ago, I drove all the way from Philly to New York. Not that far. Because a girl invited me there, and I was like, um...

Turns out she just wanted to hang out. I was expecting a little more, hoping for a little more. This is the third time it's happened that I thought it was going to be a date, but turns out she just wanted to hang out. Like, this has happened to me different, at least three different times with different girls, different women. And so, yeah, basically, I don't know. Like, how do I appear...

desirable? Did I call in? Yeah! Are you calling in from- It sounds like mu- everything I said- Is this you seven years ago? Oh my god, this is- this is wild. A time machine. Here we go. Go ahead, Eldus. But like, more than that, like, a sexual or romantic relationship? I don't know. Um, how do I give off those vibes? I also don't get that many matches on Tinder.

So, yeah, 21-year-old guy, like, a little feminine. I don't know if that's part of the reason. Be part of it. Yeah, I don't give off those vibes, but, yeah. Hopefully you can help me out. Love the podcast.

Yeah, bye. Okay. Oh, wow, buddy. This is a 21-year-old guy getting... He's basically saying friend-zoned or he's saying the same vibe. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, I'm sure he's doing what I was doing where you're just like, you're their little bitch boy. He's like, she's like, want to come over and watch Enchanted or something. It's like...

You're always going from Philly to New York, buddy. You got to get her to come to Philly first. I'm sure he's sitting five feet away from her on the couch. He's like, I never made a move. I don't know why she didn't want to fuck me. You do have to make a move or try. Obviously not pushing it too far, but put your arm around her and see what happens. Get a gun. Tell her something's going off in this house tonight. Laughter

I think that's the solution. A gun will always fix things. That is good. Totally.

21 year old little feminine. I think women like the feminine. I don't think that's a problem. Plenty of like feminine guys. Steven Tyler's done great in life. Prince for Christ's sake. Mick Jagger. They're very feminine. Feminine's huge. I don't think that's a problem. It doesn't necessarily have to be, you know, it's more. Yeah. I think this guy, he's 21. He probably doesn't quite know how to tell. Just tell her. Just tell this girl. I thought this was a date and see what she says. Like, just be honest. I do think a

big thing here is just being up front with your expectations and you know what you like that this is kind of i again we've all you have three experts on this panel right now and a big part of clawing my way out of this was just like being pretty up front and being like yeah you can just ask is this a date or like you're going to from or i've asked girls out

And I'll be like, yeah, you want to hang out? Keeping casual, be like, you want to hang out sometime? And they've deflected and been like, oh, yeah, we can get a coffee or something. I'm like, hey, I just want to be open with you. I'm asking out on a date. So if you're not interested in that, no worries, but I just want to know. And...

Some of them have said no. Sure. And then some of them have been like, oh. And in that, just being kind of. They respect that. They respect that. They're like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, let's do it. You know? I mean, I studied abroad in Ireland with a girl and then we came back to America. I flew from Chicago to D.C. to hang out with this woman. No.

And I just slept on her couch for three nights. Oh, she's getting fucked in the other room. Even though she offered, she's like, you could stay in my room. And I was like, oh, no. But then I was mad. Like, why wouldn't she fuck me or what? I was like, because I was like too scared to make the move. Oh, dude, in high school. It's embarrassing. In high school, I spent like three hours in my car parked in a secluded place, like smoking weed with a girl after like a date. Oh, for sure. And just being like fucking pissed.

fucking bitch. Why doesn't she unzip my pants? Why doesn't she suck on my dick without me making a hint of romantic indication towards her? These women probably think this guy wants to be friends. It's true. They might have sent in the same call. They're like, this 21-year-old keeps driving from Philly and won't fuck me. The thing is, no one is going to unzip your fly and suck your cock. At least not yet. You've got to work your way up to meet some of them. You've got to try.

Make a move. It's tough. I get it. I don't know. Yeah, no trouble getting friends, but it's like sexual romantic friendship. So, yeah, dude, unfortunately, or not even unfortunately, you are just going to have to start. You got to swing. You got to swing to hit a home run. I don't think it is. It's not feminine. It's that you're passive. Yes. That's what it is. Which we associate with women because they're weak. Right.

No, we're kidding. But plenty of like those, there's plenty of feminine horn dogs out there. Absolutely. That'll like, you know. Oh, God, yeah. That'll like, you know, see a woman and be like, we should mix our lipstick colors. Yeah, right, right. And then just fucking go in. Yeah, let me do your lipstick. And then get on his tiptoes, go on for a kiss. Right, yeah. Prince had no trouble being a little feminine as fucking every woman in the world. So yeah, dude, there's a little bit of like,

You can't be going from Philly to New York. You can't be like... With no expectation or with like no definitive expectations of what's happening. And yeah, you're just going to have to start asking. And you know what I think a good piece of little homework for him would be is like,

Your homework is to get rejected 10 times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when you expect to get rejected, you're like, oh, nothing's going to happen. So it frees you up. And then guess what? You might get a couple yes. Even when you're like, there's no way this girl is going to say yes. Go in thinking you're going to get rejected. It provides a little armor for you. And then you might not get rejected. You also will get more confident. And you'll get more confident. Women are more attracted to that. Absolutely. So go in knowing it's going to fail and be like, hey, you look very beautiful. Would you like to go on a date sometime? Yeah, yeah. Or go out for a drink? Yeah.

Most of the girls will say, you only need one. You only need one. You only need one. Yes, absolutely. And most of the time, I don't... You're not going to waste your time. He's like wasting a whole day of his life doing this for this woman. Like, cut the shit, man. Yeah. Get on that grind mode. Come on. Unfortunately, it's just...

My guess here is, like all of us, you were a little afraid. You didn't want to get embarrassed. It's hard to get rejected. You just have to get over that. So your homework is to go get rejected ten times. He's in this fantasy, like, I'm so nice and good-looking. How could they possibly not come on to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How could they not want to hook up with me? It's like, they don't. You got to tell them. They don't even know you're interested. They probably have no idea. They might not know you're interested. Yeah, yeah. You got to. He does seem nicer than, and less, he doesn't even seem pink-pilled. He just seems like genuinely. He's just a timid guy. Yeah, he's just a timid guy. Which is fine. Women can love that, but you got to, still got to.

Say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's tough because sometimes those timid guys end up with, like, the loudest, most annoying woman you've ever met in your life. Yeah. And it's like they balance out each other nicely. They won't say no to her. They won't say no to her. And they also love it. Like, part of them, like, kind of likes that. Right. And so unless you get a loud, annoying bitch in your life...

Which, you know, doesn't happen to every guy. Maybe he wants to get domed. We don't know. He could be a little sub guy. A lot of different stuff going on. Yeah. But you just got to put yourself out there and you got to be explicit about like, you have to be clear with what you're looking for. And just like, you know, that it does happen sometimes where it's like, if,

If someone someone just won't even consider you unless you make it clear, they won't consider you that way. Yeah, they don't even see you as a sexual being. They don't even imagine it. And you put that in their head and it's like, look, they might say no. Like when they're we're thinking about it, they might say no, but they might say it's happened. Like, yes, most of the times you ask someone out and they try and steer it to like a friend thing. Seventy percent of the time it's like nothing's going to happen. Sure. But it's happened to me.

Multiple times where I've just been like, oh, yeah, I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. But if you want to kind of date casually, you let me know. Sure. Like there's been a few. I've had a couple nice kind of like fun relationships. Oh, really? Okay. That's nice. So it's possible. But also this guy say he said he doesn't get that many matches on Tinder. I used to get so depressed about stuff like that. Yeah. That like women. I'm so ugly. It's like it's just an algorithm. Yeah. You can't. Most guys don't get matches.

Yeah. It's women and just like the biggest piece of ass you've ever met in your life gets mad. Or some guy who's

any asshole over 6'3". Sure, sure. Gets more matches than they deserve. It's just staying tall. You just don't have that. Don't read too far into it. You know I was putting that shit in my profile. Oh, yeah. Of course. Are you 6'3"? I haven't seen you stand up yet. He's 6'6". 6'5". 6'6". He's 6'5". You just put 6'6". That's your whole profile. I think I was going to be 6'4 at the time. Oh.

Okay, nice. What a guy. Hey, don't want to overdo it. 6'6 will be like, come on. 6'4 is good. 6'4 is good. 6'4 is enough. Yeah. This guy could be very ugly. We don't know that. Even if you are, though, you can still get pussy. Come on. Absolutely. And if you just be a knight. Most guys are not as nice as this person.

Yeah, yeah. Most guys need to be nicer. You need to kind of go the opposite way and just stand up for yourself a little more. Yes, yeah. Say what you want a little more. It's hard and it's tough to get rejected, but that's why we're telling you go get rejected 10 times and then call in and let us know how it goes. I feel like he also needs to just put this New York girl on the shelf. It's not happening. Without question. It's not going to happen. Oh, that's... Too much baggage to try. I'm sorry for not making that clear. Yeah.

Absolutely don't do that shit anymore. This woman is out of your life. I will say this. I'm not ready for away games. I will say this. I would say, actually, this would be a good first step, is to be like, hey, I just want to, like, you could have that, hey, look, I've enjoyed hanging out with you, but I'm not really interested in a platonic relationship. I'd be interested in dating. You know, if you want to go out sometime, you know, let me know. Sure. That actually might be a nice first step to, like, you know, but that might be good for him to kind of,

doing this kind of shit, right? With this woman who's already basically rejected him, why not just throw it out there? But make it feel that first, instead of that, like, kind of, you're always, it always stings when you're, like, friends with a girl that you've just desperately want to, like, not even fuck, it'd be one thing if all you want to do is fuck her. You want to, like, fuck her and then, like, you know, watch reality TV together afterwards. You want to hold her and talk about death. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what you want. That's a stinging constant rejection where like this will just be like it'll feel bad for like a couple days once you get the definitive no and then you're you honestly will move on from there. Yeah. And you need to get it. You gotta get out of there but you know good luck pal. We've all been where you are. Yeah. Hope you do it before 25 man. Otherwise that cum does start bubbling up. You do. You're gonna have a lot

I'm sure you were getting it. Because you weren't even jacking off, correct? I didn't jack off. I didn't jack off until just before I lost my virginity. Wow. That's insanity. I was never into jacking off. Not into it? Like it's fucking Indian food? Too spicy for me. My parents didn't like it, so I didn't do it. Yeah.

Give me diarrhea. Yeah. I never did it. Oh, my God. That's fucking... But now I do it and it's better than usually. Not all the time. I love my girlfriend, but it often is. See, we really were different types of not getting pussy 20-year-olds.

Because I was beating off. Were you furiously jacking off? I was just like getting hard and then being like, that's the end. I was like imagining hooking up hard. Oh, we're done. I thought...

I didn't really know what masturbating was. I've never watched porn. I'm not a porn guy. Never? My friends forced me to once in college. Wow. That's it. I'm not a porn guy. What do you jack off to now? I just imagination. Just thoughts. Or Instagram. Wow. I like butt pictures. Respect. Okay. I got to do that. Porn never my thing. Not porn. No. But not even nudes? Just like a nice ass? Not even a nude. I like a closed ass. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Crazy. Yeah, I'm not into that. That's out of control. Yeah, I'm too... That prude will never leave. Wow. Porn, like, disgusts me. Wow. I think that's a little on me, but I just am not... It doesn't turn me on at all. And so you must have never really gotten into any... Like, you know, you didn't, like...

I assume once... Before the relationship, it's not like you were out there really hooking up. You just fucked a handful of girls or... I had, like, a little period where I did, but not that much. No. I think, like, I've had, like, sex with, like, 12, 15 women. Not a lot. Yeah. That's... That's probably good enough for me. I've seen it, I think. I...

God, I need a little more of that thinking. I need that, dude. I like the idea of sex, but then when it happens, I'm like, ah, I could have been watching TV. I could have been reading a book. It's kind of a waste of five minutes of my day. That's so fucking hilarious. I feel a weird, fucked up sense of accomplishment. Oh.

sure. There is the conquest of the new person. The conquest is a weird term, but you know what I mean? That is fun. That is fun. And then just like afterwards, I'm just like relaxed. Sure. Like this was great. Yeah. The positive affirmation is a great feeling. Very interesting. Well, a lot to get when you come back for Cush Brothers, we'll have a lot to cover. Yeah. We'll take a little jacking off, uh,

If our listeners who tune in for hard news will allow it, we'll take a small detour into jacking off. There we go. I was big into AI. You know, remember AOL Instant Messenger? For some reason, I was big in like the horny chats when I was like 14. I was like dirty talking, but I didn't know what it was. I was like, I'm going to take my penis and put it where it belongs.

Because I didn't even know. I was like, I hope they tell me where should I put it? I don't know. I was like a scourge in those chat rooms for like three months when I was maybe like ninth grade. But not jacking off. Not jacking off. Just get hard and maybe a little cum would dribble out. Yeah.

You probably stopped getting wet dreams at like 15. I had them until I was 25. Dude, I've had maybe two in my whole life. Oh, I had like 50 probably. Yeah. I just thought that's what happens. Every once in a while, the lake overflows over the Hoover Dam and just dumps a little cum on your bed.

Damn, dude. Now, what were the wet dreams about? They were usually about some girl in high school, probably. The girl I was in love with that week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like- But you didn't even watch porn. Sofia Vergara. So what were you even- SI Swimsuit Edition was huge for me. I was big. Every year came in April, I think. But you wouldn't jack off to it. I would just look at it and I'd be like, ooh, I like this girl. What the fuck? I can't even-

I like body paint issue. That's insane to me. Ashley Graham. She's doing it for me. Oh yeah. When Ashley Graham came on the scene,

What a time. That was big. That was big. That, dude, I can't even, this is, I'm short circuiting. I can't. Yeah. The porn thing throws people off. I didn't know it. The porn thing is one thing. Yeah. I could, I mean, it's weird. Yeah. But it's like, I kind of see it and I almost respect it. Sure. It's like somebody who's like, you know,

Somebody who's like not... Somebody who has a flip phone. Sure. That's what not watching phone is. You know what I mean? It's like, good for you, man. I wish I could do that. I can't. I'm addicted. That's how I feel about the porn club. You see, I've never... I don't... Pornhub, that's the one. I don't even know the other websites. I've never been to Pornhub. I don't even know what it looks like. Wow, look at you. I have no idea. That's crazy. I think I should do it once. Just once. I remember I watched this woman, Sweet Nancy, get plowed in college. Sweet Nancy? My friends made me Clockwork Orange watch porn.

Pull up Sweet Nancy, Eldest. I want to see what she looks like. I can't remember exactly. It was something about Sweet Nancy porn. I don't remember exactly. Nancy Sweet might have been Nancy Sweet. Just an image. It was her. Is that her? I think that was her, yeah. Pretty good. She was in a field on a picnic blanket and a bunch of men fucked her. That's enough. We don't want them to get hard. See, this is that. I'm not into that. I don't know.

That did nothing to me. So that's one thing, right? Some closed nuns, though, could have got me going. That's what I'm saying. It's like, look, I get that and the no porn, but not jacking off. Yeah. That's the thing that I can't even. I almost didn't even know what it was. That's crazy. Like our Catholic school, they didn't tell us it was wrong. We just didn't have sex ed.

Or maybe I was blacked out during it, but I don't remember it. I legitimately didn't know what masturbating was until college. College? I knew it existed, but I didn't really know what you did. I didn't know what the... I mean, I remember sometimes early on, people would come up with their own weird ways to beat off. Oh, really? Until everyone got the standard motion. See, I don't do that either. What do you do? I fuck a pillow. You fuck a pillow? Yeah.

Yeah, I fuck a pillow. What the fuck? Pillows around America. Many Red Row fans. Yeah. That's what you call jacking off? Yeah, yeah. Is fucking a pillow? Yeah. Maybe a sleeping bag or a blanket sometimes, but mostly a pillow. That's it. Dude, you. I've never done, I've done the hand thing like, I'm not into it. I'm not, I'm not attracted, I'm not attracted to my hand. Holy shit. The second I touch my dick, I'm like, that's you? I hate it.

I hate me. This is fucking crazy, dude. You know what the really gross part is? I used to, I've stopped a couple years ago because my friends told me this is gross. I would just cum on a pillow and not, I didn't have anything. I would just cum would go on the pillow and I had this dirty cum pillow under my bed. You had no cum?

It was like yellow and crusty and like it was really disgusting. I admit that was wrong. And I would like break it out. My girlfriend was like, oh God. That's better than holding your dick to you? The hand, I can't, it doesn't do anything. I've never been able to do it. That's so insane. I've like humped a pillow up before, but it's usually I'm on it. I'm riding the pillow. I'm on top missionary. You're on top missionary. He's on top of the pillow.

Call her Rihanna. What the fuck is going on? Dude, that's insane. It's fun. Try it out. I think that's insane. You get a real thick, like, Tempur-Pedic pillow. Where does your dick... So your dick just rubs? Yeah, it just, like, mashes into it. Yeah, I guess. There's no in. You're not fucking in. It's not going in. It's just against my body, really. I'm just coming right in my belly button. So you'd rather fuck your stomach than fuck your hand is what it comes down to. Yeah, yeah.

I guess that's what it is. Holy shit. People always, yeah. I didn't realize that was weird until I said it to my friend like a year ago and he's like, what the fuck? No, it's one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard. I thought that was the other way. I thought it was half the world does hand, half of them do a pillow. That's crazy. But I thought that's how the world worked. But I will say it's what I was just getting to where it was like early when you're like 12 to 14. Sure. Or 12 to 13. You know, it's different for different people. Yeah.

Everyone early jacks off in a weird way, they found out. Where some people were pillow humpers. That's what everyone says. I just learned it at 25, so I'm doing the 12-year-old thing. That's the thing. You're developmentally stunted. Maybe I'll get out of it in a year. I'll be like, oh, my hand is sexy. Yeah, maybe I will. No one thinks their hand is sexy. I know. That is a funny way to think of it, though. Like, I love my fucking hand. Yeah.

But like everyone, but then you just grow into, you know, there's some knowledge that gets passed down or something. Oh yeah. Someone tells you like, you don't, don't, I would, I would literally like rub my dick on my hand. Oh really? Like it was like a fucking prehensile clit. Yeah.

You're just flipping it and flicking it against your hand. Oh, wow. Early on, that's how I jacked off to... You know what? I will say maybe very early pillows were involved, but I think I was rubbing a pillow. Oh, sure, yeah. And I was jacking off... Into a couch, I feel like that's... I've never done that, actually. I find that barbaric, but the pillow, that's a gentleman's game. Yeah, yeah. Some of these hotels have great pillows, too. They give you eight of them. You got to use it.

Come on. I'm doing it on everyone. Let's start bringing pillowcases on the road. Oh, yeah. I do come on the pillows in a hotel. That's so fucked up. Then I don't care. Then I don't care. It's like, give the Guatemalan maid something to do. Yeah.

I leave a tip. I leave a little donation at the end. Yeah. As long as it stays on the pillowcase. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. It is disgusting saying it out loud, but we're all dogs deep down a little bit. Sure, sure, sure. A little bit. Fucking wild. No, that's an insane way to jack off. Yeah. And I wonder how, like, that's another thing. Like, you can't do that as an old man. True.

True. There will be a day my knees will give out and I'm like, I can't do it. Put the pillow on me, Sharon. I'll have to do it. Yeah, they'll have to move it against me. Yeah. Oh, that will be a dark day. Yeah. I feel like you will probably start like jerking off normal in the next year or so if you just started jacking off. I got to see. Do you always put lotion on your hand? No.

See, I don't even know that. Okay, I assumed it was all this lotion. You don't need lotion. It doesn't need to be a whole show. It doesn't have to be a big to-do. Oh, really? You just grab your dick and start... My hands are kind of clammy. I think that's what it comes down to. You're really too... The idea of your hands... It has nothing to do with your hands. I'm really reading.

into the hand. The hand is just an extension of your brain. Exactly. It's not like a body. You are really hung up on the hand. That's the first step of getting over this. Don't even think of it as your hand. Think of your dick getting jacked off. Oh, sure, sure. It's someone's hand. You're just jacking off. And that's why not watching porn is because, I mean, you probably have to close your eyes and think about whatever you're thinking. Yeah, yeah. I just put two celebrities together and they fuck. Yeah.

Joan of Arc and Denzel Washington. Okay, we're going. Okay, never thought. Yeah, it's beautiful. I think the pillow thing I probably will change one day. No porn, I'll never watch porn. And I respect that. I'm at the point where I never will. I respect that. I think the imagination is the way to go there. Yeah, for sure. I enjoy that. Keeps your dick harder, too, because when you're beating off the weirder and weirder things. Is there a point where you have to keep topping it?

every little bit or it's just like so specific where you're like I'd love a fat titted Colombian with blonde hair does it get that specific I don't even know that you can do like any race any job you can get whatever you want brother like a Puerto Rican plumber like you could yeah it's like a thing you could do that I mean probably the Puerto Rican is getting fucked by the plumber if I had to guess but you know that's out there yeah okay or the Puerto Rican plumber has a huge cock you know like that's whatever way you want to do it there we're into that yeah

But yeah. No, I hope to wean myself off pornography someday. I think that's good. I hope you do. We'll get there. We'll get there someday. And I hope to use my hand one day. We'll meet in the middle one day. We'll shake our cum-drenched hands.

We'll make an accord. That's right. Why don't you fucking have some... Oh, fuck. We should have... Maybe we'll put this earlier, too. We should say that you have a special out on YouTube. Oh, yeah. I do a special on YouTube. The only funny white man on YouTube. No offense to the Greek people. I don't consider them to be white. They're more Asiatic.

You're not in competition. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, please go watch the special. I'm very in the hole. Please go watch it. Please go watch the special. It's good. Good special. Very funny. Go see Jeff live. Go see me live. Yeah, go to whitecomedian.com. I'm...

I bought that URL in 2014. I pay $80 a year for it. Please make it worth my while. Go to whitecomedian.com. It's the best thing I've ever done in my life. I'm touring everywhere over this godforsaken country. Salute, whitecomedian.com. Eldest, play one nice one to take us out. Let's do one more. Let's do it.

Bobby baby, what's up, man? I have a problem and I think that you are just the man to solve it for me. I'm a single guy in the city. Every once in a while, I do have a late day over and I have a consistent issue where I'll be trying to go to sleep and I will just have a pounding headache. And it dawned on me recently, like, holy shit, this is a dick-fill headache. So I'm wondering, like...

What are your tips to avoid that? Like is there a specific like milligram that you have dialed before you get a small headache? Any like, you know, pre or post routine that helps you avoid headaches? Yeah, really wondering because these headaches suck but I also don't want to stop taking a nice dick pill and having a nice rock hard cock. Yeah, love you man. Any advice is appreciated. Cool.

Wow. I've never taken a dick pill. I know nothing about this. Are you a devotee? Big dick pill. And again. Which one? What's your company? Well, that's the thing. We can't say that for free. Oh, right. That's fair. And I want just another moment to the dick pill, dick pill, tablet people, general men's health. How about the men? We'll call it the men's health segment of advertisers.

you're losing free money. This could have been such a natural place for us to put in an ad for your product. I would like nothing more than to be the spokesman for male performance products.

Oh, they should definitely have you. The audience would buy them up. It's crazy. You're losing money. We're both losing money. Both me and your company is losing money every day. Capitalism is not working the way, the free market's not working the way it should right now. Everyone talks about the free market, but me not having a Dick Spill sponsorship is proof positive that it does not work. That libertarian theology is bankrupt. It will never work. It will never fucking work.

I don't. Do you take up? You do take a nameless pill. Yes, I've taken a pill or tablet. Well, I won't say I would love to do. I think I think I want it. Does it make you last longer? It makes. Yes, it does. OK. And it makes you able to you bust once you get right back in this. Oh, that's the truth. That's because. OK, that's the truth. I have to wait an hour.

It takes so long. I'm like, I'm already on to the next thing. I'm not in the mood anymore. Okay. I got to try this. But you do. I know this headache. Is this real? Hey, look, you got to pay the cost to be the boss. You know what I mean? You can't. Well, you don't got Advil too. The only kind of pills you got in your home are dick pills. Come on, buddy. You want a hard dick or not? Take a Tylenol bitch. Take a fucking Tylenol and dick this fucking bitch down.

I mean, this is... It happens every time, the headache? No, it does. I think probably you're overdosing. This guy's probably overdosing a little bit, if I had to guess. You're probably... Because you get into this thing where you're like, well, I can't. There's nothing worse than taking a dick pill. It doesn't even work. CMI's all overdoing it. Okay. I think there's the... I've certainly... I mean, listen, I've been dealing with the... I've been dealing with dick pills...

and dick pill and different stuff since gas station dick pills. Are you doing the trucker pill? Not anymore. Oh, but you did those? But I tried some earlier. The horny goat weed or whatever? Yeah, shit like that. Oh, my God. There was a time in my life where I was taking like, this is early on, before you could get them everywhere. There was like, you could buy them from a research chemical facility. Oh, my God. I've heard of this. And you would have like pipettes. Oh, my God.

Full of like... You put it on your tongue, you just little drop. But no one tells you those because they're not... You're not technically supposed to be taking them. They're for research. Everyone knows what the fuck they're for. Yeah, yeah. You can buy a lot of shit that way. And so I was fucking... Is this a Silk Road thing? You buying this on Silk Road? It wasn't quite Silk Road, but it was like the way I paid for it was Venmoing a guy...

And putting like... He asked me to put like lunch in the subject. So it was like some guy was stealing from a research facility. He's just giving you pipettes of salt water. And you're like, it gets me hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all in your mind. If it was salt water... Let me say, that was a strong placebo effect. Yeah, yeah. If it was. But I mean, there were times where I like fucked. And then I would like stand up and be like... Oh, you get dizzy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I was like...

So I now I'm very careful about those. And the last thing I need is to die due to dick pills. And, you know, there have been times. You don't want to be the one guy who did it. You don't want to be the one guy ODing on marijuana. You don't want to be the one. No, there have been times on the road where I'm like, oh, man, please wake up. Just not even because I want to live, just because I don't want to go out with this toxicology report.

Just bleep that out, Elvis. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I forgot. No band, no brand names. That's okay. Your inclination is for specificity. You're a good comedian, but you know, we just, we can't. My consumerist capitalist mind could just not see around that. I just love brands. But you know, it's important that we, we don't, we don't, no, no free lunch on the Stobbies World podcast. So yeah, maybe experiment with a little lower, you know, dick pill, uh,

Dosage, personally, my friend. And look, to avoid the headaches, do everything you would do to avoid regular headaches. Make sure you're hydrated. Is it hydrating? Hydrating. A little Tylenol. Eating a full stomach. Probably don't do them on an empty stomach. Yeah, but they are more effective on an empty stomach. Oh, really? Okay. Give and take. Give and take. Do you want a nice rock-hard cock or not, buddy? That's what it's all about, really. That's the thing, dude. That's the thing. So...

Also, you sound kind of young and what's going on with you, pal? Again, because I don't have a sponsorship yet, I can say maybe you don't need dick pills right now. Sure. I mean, I know... I mean, I'm just fat as fuck now. I'm past the point where nature... Nature has stepped in and said... You can't get hard without the pill. I can get hard, but it's just more of like the you really want to know. It's a will they, won't they type thing. You want to know. Yeah, the percentage is...

I'm still usually, like, if my dick is a casino, the house is still winning. But, you know, a couple lucky jackpots. A couple more jackpots than I like have gotten through. You're not putting a parlay with your dick. No, no, no. A little, yeah. There's definitely, like, some card counters come in. They can exploit the system. We'll put it that way.

It's more of like, you know, you really want to make sure you're fucking really getting in there. And also it's like, it's the unnatural, it's kind of like the, again, I'm like a...

Like, religious people have a field day with me because they're like, yeah, you're a fucking glutton. You're like, you're with these loose women you don't care about, which is not untrue. All of this stuff is not, like, they're not completely off base. Like, my dick was the hardest when I was in love. You know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure. And so I've gotten very fat and I haven't been even close to in love and, you know, whatever. And so I'm living wrong, right? Right.

They say that's why you can't get hard. I think there's a little bit of that. I'm too fat. Which is actually, I actually think they're right. Love will get you hard. If I was in better shape and cared about, not

Not that I don't care about that, but you know what I mean? I love the person I was having sex with. It would be different. So for our young friend here, it's like, what are you doing to need these dick pills? Is it just a nerve thing? Because even when I was younger, I might take one because of my nerves on the first hookup. I was always nervous when I liked a girl. You want to impress her. You got to have the hardest cock she's ever seen. Yeah, you like that shit? It ain't going to be big, so it better be hard. Yeah, right, exactly. I don't know where the clit is, but I am hard.

Yeah, it's like McDonald's, the sandwiches are hot. You know what I mean? Mickey D sends you a cold fucking McChicken, you're pissed. You know what I'm saying? So that was kind of my...

On the first one, maybe see if I get juiced up a little bit. Sure, sure. But then after that... But then after that, I wasn't using Nick Koles. You show her the real you. Exactly. You let her see what I'm like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But with you, my friend, I would just say, you know, what's going on here? Are you listening to your doctor's orders? This is a little toxic masculinity, possibly, that you have to... Yes. 20 years old, I've got it. The other guys are doing it, and I've got to do it. Yeah. So I would say...

ratchet down on the dick pill on the dosage for the headaches and also, you know, they, you know, like we said, get a little exercise, drink some water, all that good stuff. But also think about why you're using dick pills. Do you really need to use them? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So good luck with your little, and look,

Plenty Eldest has mashed his three quarters hard dick into his girlfriend for the last couple of years. Eldest refuses. Eldest is own natural. No, not look, I would, I'm not saying I would like never take one. I think it'd be a fun little, fun little evening to just give it a spin. I don't know. I feel like I've had like a few friends who are like using them throughout our twenties. And it was always like,

Damn, dude, like, you know. I get it, but I don't know. I'm with you. When you're young, yeah, I get not wanting to do it. Yeah, and it's like, you know, because that shit is really meant for, like, old men who can't get their dicks hard. So, you know, it's fun for a stunt, but, you know, it's also like a heroin thing. You know heroin's got to feel awesome. Oh, for sure. Especially the first time you, like, take it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, the joke that keeps getting cut out of specials, but I will put in one at some point, is that taking dick pills feels like lowering the rim to like seven and a half feet. It's like, I can dunk. You know what I mean? Like, I'm in the booth. I am fucking this bitch up. I've always had layup dick, you know, my whole life. And now I'm dunking. You're right.

That's true. But I'm also like, I don't know. If my dick just doesn't get hard sometime, I don't really give a fuck. You're not ashamed of it? No, dude. You just got to be like, well, I didn't get hard this time. What are you going to do? There's another game next Sunday. There's 18 games a year. You don't got to win every single game. I like that.

I'm kind of glad. I'm like, yay, I don't get to have sex. Great. What a loss. Not meant to be. What are you going to do? Let's go get a fucking bacon, egg, and cheese.

All right. Well, there you have it, my friend. And there you have it, everyone who listened. That's our episode for this week. Thank you, Jeff. Great. Thank you for having me. Very funny stuff. Go watch the special. Go to white comedian dot com. Please do. Follow me on Instagram, please, for the love of God. Follow him. Follow him everywhere. And we'll put his links and shit in the body of everything. And we will see you next time, guys. Bye bye. Thanks.