#43 - Sam Jay
01:39:15 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV. I'm chilling. I was at a beer or something. Do we have a beer? What's the Greek? A little ouzo? No.

No, what's the other one? It's like... Metaxa? I don't know. I know it's just like, it's clear and it's kind of thick. Yeah, Uzo. Oh, okay. Yeah, you pour it and it gets fucking weirdly, it gets weirdly like translucent or it gets like milky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, we can get you a drink. You did, you have the big respect, the first guest ever to order a pizza to the studio. I did on the way in the car. Which it's on the way and I really... I passed the pizza shop. Yeah.

Man, I'm so hungry. I was like, man, I know this is going to be crazy, but I'm hungry as shit because I was up all night. I was drinking all night. Respect, dude. I would have gotten you a Yido. I would have gotten you some. If I knew you were hungry, we would have gotten you a Yido. We would have had lunch waiting. I overslept. You know what I'm saying? I'm just getting my whole life back under me and shit. There's nothing better than that. It's so easy to fall into that rhythm of staying out late, getting fucked up. Yeah.

just your whole morning is just feeling like a human being. Like you're not doing anything. You're just trying to be able to exist. Yeah, you're just trying to get back to living. Just get back to functioning as a barely human being. And then like,

Especially if you have a show, it's like, well, these people spent money to see me. I got it. So I don't know if you're like this, but like I'll be fucked. I'll be hungover just laying in bed to like one. Then I'll like eat a salad. I'll hit the fucking elliptical just to get the endorphins going. I'll drink a green juice, get a smoothie and like have a coffee right before the show. And then you do all that shit. You have the energy of like, oh, I lived good for three hours. And then you have the like.

Off the show And then you're like You have that Those endorphins going You're like Time to get I'm not going to bed now Time to get fucked up 100% It's just like A non-stop circle Of like Depends for me though Some days are healthy It depends on how fucked up I got the night before Yeah yeah yeah Some days I'm like I only can take in more toxins Yeah yeah

Give me pizza. Give me more liquor. That's the only thing that's going to keep this train moving at this point. I love it. Yeah, well, listen, once the pizza comes, you need a fucking little drink. You let us know. Yeah, that's fucking sick. You were just up? You were just getting fucked up? I had shows, man. The shows and getting fucked up sometimes go hand in hand. But no, I had shows. And then once people are out, because, you know,

Dave's in town And just mad people Are in town this week Yeah yeah yeah So everybody's kind of Still out Yeah yeah yeah The cellar's like Buzzing till 2, 3 That's pretty fun So it's just been like Those kind of nights Which is always a good time Yeah it fucking rocks You should know it

Yeah, I've just been trying not to get fucked up. We smoked weed. We get high and do the news once a month. That's nice. Yeah, but on these shows, that's the last time I've smoked weed. But I'm just trying to. I've just gotten way too. Oh, I quit smoking, dog. No weed? I don't smoke no more. Was there an inciting incident? I was breathing funny and I had lung shit. Shit.

I do. And I was like, I don't know, man. Maybe let me just stop and see if I feel better. And I started to feel better. Of course. But I was like, nah. Yeah, but if you stop any of the good shit, the fun shit you do, you're going to feel better. But like, I need something to happen. I got you. It's always like, I need a catalyst. So I was like, nah, man. Yeah, yeah. So are you like Greek, Greek, like hella Greek? Yeah, yeah. My family moved here in 1982.

So I was born here, but like my family, you know, I spoke Greek was my first language and you know, that's so my, my dad doesn't really speak English that well. When I was a kid, one of my good friends was Greek. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's all Greek people in Boston. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know that? Yeah. Like family in Boston. I don't have any family, but there is Greeks are all over the like Eastern seaboard anywhere. There's like a port city. So like Baltimore where, you know, where I grew up, Boston, New York, obviously there's, I mean, we're in the Greek neighborhood. Like,

Like all the pizza shops in Boston are mostly run by Greek people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For real. Greek people love a low-grade carryout. I love... I feel like they make the best fast food, though. Boston, to me, New York, a lot of their shit is nasty to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't know why, but the Greek spots...

They care. Like, the shit still be... For real, like, it be fresh. Like, they give a fuck about what they doing. Absolutely. Whereas, like, I don't know, New York, you might get hit with anything. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, for sure. New York, they will serve you, like, you know, repackaged, like, rat meat. Yeah. Like, they'll chop that shit up. I will... Yeah, Greek people, you're right. They want the food to be good. They'll exploit their employees. Yes. Like, they'll take it out on their employees. No bullshit. But...

One of the spots in Boston got blown up in this big scandal two months ago because he was just abusing the employees. And a lot of them were undocumented immigrants. And he was like, I'll call. Totally. They're constantly threatening. And having them work all night. He was wiling on them. But it's some of the best pizza. But the pizza's good. And the subs. The tenders. The tenders are crispy. All that shit's popping. You know what I mean?

To the point where people were like, boycott stashes. And I was like, niggas ain't boycotting stashes. For real. It's not happening. Yeah, yeah. Look, you want a really good souvlaki, the 16-year-old hostess is going to get sexually harassed by the owner of the diner. That's how it works. I'm sorry. It's just you got to crack some eggs to make an omelet.

Yeah, dude. No, it is. So who was your, you had like a friend in like elementary school or growing up the whole way? Yeah, his parents owned the pizza shop near my house called Stallage. They named it after their son, Steven and Alex. Yeah, wow. And I went to, me and Alex were the same age. Okay. Or Steve, I can't remember. One of us were the same age. You were really good friends. Yeah. We were.

I went to Catholic school and he went to Catholic school. And like, I was like the only black kid his parents would let him play with. Yeah.

Because they just assumed I had parents who gave a fuck about me because I went to Catholic school. You went to Catholic school, of course. So I would go to the sub shop. Conditional racism. That's so true. Greek people are racist. There's no way around that. The same way they're shitty to their employees. But yeah, they're like, all right, she's one of the good ones. Yeah. My mom was nice and I went to Catholic school. So they were like, this is fine. Totally, totally. And we would sit in the Stalix and we would do our homework together after school. Yeah, that's a classic. And his mom would make us burgers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hang out and play on the little video game. Oh, that's awesome. Because that's definitely a type of kid. Because half the kids I grew up with, their families owned a carryout. And they spent all their time just in a corner of the fucking restaurant. So you were there. You were doing your math homework. Yeah, chilling, doing my homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. He was cool. And then crazily, I moved out of Dorchester to Stoughton, Mass., in high school.

And there was this spot called Stoughton Pizza. And I used to always order from there because it was good. And it was like the closest thing to like home. Yeah. And then one day I opened my door and Alex is delivering my damn pizza. Get the fuck out of here. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing here? And he's like, oh, we sold Stalix's and we moved out to Stoughton. Get the fuck out of here. And now we run Stoughton Pizza. I was like, oh shit.

Wow. That's like a, they should do a commercial for how good their pizza is. That it's like your palate. I don't know if it's like their pizza was that good or you were such a fat kid in your heart where that specific pizza, you could just fucking, that's honestly so impressive. It kept your friendship alive. It did. How much you love that pizza.

I love Greek pizza. I think that it's the, I like it better. Yeah. It's like, it's a nice, it's never going to be the best slice, right? Like the best slices are, you know, I do think Italians ultimately make the best slice of pizza, obviously, but they also make the worst. Like that's the thing about New York. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Is that like, you don't know. The Greek joint is consistent. Consistent. It's going to always come through for you. A nice seven that sucks you off to completion. And the crust is always right. You know what I'm saying? They got that different kind of crust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little crisp for sure.

So you grew up your whole life in Boston? Yeah. Okay, nice. What was Stoughton out in the... Is that the Burbs? Burbs. Yeah. Because Boston is this fake city where actual Boston, nobody lives there. It's all like fucking... What? But it's all the surrounding...

People live in actual Boston. It's all Chinese people. They keep their Chinese and gay people in Boston. All the outskirts. That's where like Joe Lists is. You know what I mean? Like that's where you get, it's like a ring of like white trash. And then in the middle of Boston is like, you know, where you go see the opera or whatever the fuck. Or like, you know, some kind of museum. See, we haven't been to Boston. I've been to Laugh Boston. Yeah, that's not Boston. Where were we this time, Elders?

The theater? What, the Wilbur? The Wilbur. So right downtown. So that's why you said Chinese people. You were right by Chinatown. All your references together. You were right by Chinatown. And then you decided that was the entire city. That's everything. Everyone is Chinese in Boston. Me and Alice went to get dumplings. And I was like, you know, it's crazy. Why does this get talked about more? Everyone in Boston is Chinese.

You do have a good Chinatown. I will give you that. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. So what do you have to say about the traditional, like what everybody loves to say about Boston is it's when they're like, hey, it's not just the South that's racist. It's also Boston. You know what I mean? Like everyone loves saying that about Boston. Yeah. Is that how it fucking is over there? You know, yeah.

I kind of hate that narrative. Yeah, yeah, because it seems too easy. Because it's like, yeah. Because who wasn't racist? Right, but it's like, yeah and no. It's never felt more racist than the world to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what happens is people are not from there. So it's like any city, right? You got to know where the fuck you're going. Of course. So it's like to the black people in Boston, we're all like,

Like some black person will come and like they came for college or some shit like that. So they're literally just surrounded by white people and going to white things. And then they'll be like, yeah, we went to this place downtown and they told me I had to take off my hat. Boston's so racist because then they let the white boy in with his hat on. And our attitude is like, why the fuck was you over there? We already know what they're all over.

They're on over there. So we don't go fucking around over there because they're on goofy shit. Like, what the fuck would you even be down there for? Why didn't you just go here or here or all the multiple places you could go where that type of shit's not going to happen? But they're not going to go there because they don't know the city. And also, they're also afraid of black people too. Like, that doesn't get talked about a lot. So they don't want to come into an inner city of a city they don't fucking know. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, in that regard, yeah, then you're probably going to have a lot of those type of experiences because you're kind of running around in those

Of course. You know what I'm saying? Well, it's like, yeah. But they will do shit like that. Like, I for sure had shit like that happen to me where it's like, they'll be like, no hats! And I'll see four white boys walk by with hats. I'm like, okay, no, black people in hats. But that's a great point, though, because it's like, Baltimore...

There's bars that behave that way, but it's a majority black city. But it's like, yeah, you don't go to those specific places. When you know they're acting like that. Those motherfuckers are... That's all I'm saying. That's all it is. Yeah, sure, it's not Atlanta. But it's still fucking cool. It's never gonna be that. You know what I'm saying? And then there's a lot of white...

Irish people there that have been there generationally and feel very territorial about it. And like, so if you go to certain parts, you kind of know you're walking in today. You know what I mean? You're in South Boston, you expect some South Boston shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not like I don't go to South Boston because I'm afraid they're going to like throw cans at my head. You know?

I go there, I get pizza. Yeah, you're not... But I know there's probably gonna be three older white men who look at me like, what the fuck is she doing over there? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. No, that's... I mean, yeah, I've never... I've always enjoyed...

I like going to Boston. I mean, it's a great comedy town, and it's also just a great, the fucking food is awesome. I love the roast, specifically that roast beef. Which one? Well, you know, Kelly's. Kelly's, okay. I like Kelly's a lot. I love getting a roast, I love any place you can get a roast beef sandwich, and then there's also fried clams on the menu. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is an... I'm a big surf and turf guy. Okay, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Boston has good food. Yeah. It does. Good food. So you were there the whole time and then you came to New York or what did you do? I went to L.A. Okay. I went to L.A., was there for like two years and then came to New York. Yeah, yeah. But it was all just... You only moved to try and do some like...

Comedy stuff. It was never like, you were just in Boston? Well, when I was young, I left, when I was like college years, I left and I moved to Atlanta. I lived in Atlanta for like eight years. Oh, nice. Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. I lived in Atlanta for a while. For school?

Just to hang out. Yeah. You got your eight year degree in Atlanta. That was just your that was the rationale. Yeah. I'm going for school. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. I just wanted not to live in Boston. Of course. How old were you? I was like 21. OK. Yeah. Oh, so you went to Atlanta and had what is that? Would you have like.

Were you on some freaky shit in Atlanta? Was it like time to be, time to just fucking go buck wild now that I'm in Boston? A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. I definitely was like exploring my shit more. You know what I'm saying? But in all ways, because Atlanta is so black, it's so many types of black people that it was like, oh, I could be like anything.

You know what I mean? In Boston, the scope is so limited. Totally, totally. You know what I mean? But in Atlanta, they got little golf-ass weirdos. They just got any type of nigga you could think of. So I was like, oh, I could just be whatever. They've got little Uzi Verts over there. Yeah, and they had such a big gay community at the time. Gay and black, which was huge for me because all Boston had was this white gay scene, and I didn't feel like that made sense. You know what I mean? So I just kept sucking dick. Like, I don't know. Fuck.

That doesn't look like the right thing. You know what I'm saying? That's awesome. It was literally a sexual preference for you where you're like, I prefer lesbians, but what you guys got around here isn't doing it for me. I'll settle for some dick. Yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah, a true sexual survivor. You're just like, let me see what you guys got in the cupboard. I'll cook up a meal. I'll cook up a meal or whatever. I'll figure something out. Oh, hell yeah. So, yeah, that makes a lot of sense because I would assume, yeah, once you're in Atlanta, once it's like...

You don't, because, yeah, no one thinks about racist gay people. They just think, like, gay is, like, one, like, blanket shit. But it's like, yeah, you go to, once you kind of take that out of the equation, yeah, you can just fucking hang out with whatever weirdos and gay people, whatever. Yeah, and, like, do it your way. It's like, I always feel like if I was going to be gay in Boston, I had to also become white.

I had to listen to white music. I had to do white stuff. Some Melissa Etheridge shit. Yeah. And it was like, in Atlanta, you could be black and gay. Like, you could listen to Jeezy. We're going to be misogynistic. House is going to twerk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be like some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, the stud culture is a lot more acceptable. Yeah. And I didn't see any of that. Like, guys, when I went to Atlanta, I'm like, wait, these things are going to throw back jerseys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eating pussy in a Mike Bibby Kings jersey. Yeah, lit. You know, that's what you wanted to do. That's what I wanted to do. That's fucking sick. What were you doing, like, so you weren't in school or you were just, like, fucking around? I mean, man, I was working dumbass jobs. Yeah, yeah. I was running around doing a lot of bullshit jobs for a long time. What was your dumbest job? What was the one that you, like... I was a tell... We were just... We just had some...

Actually, if you haven't seen it, it's fucking awesome. HBO has a thing about telemarketers. I just started watching it. It's fucking so sick. The first episode. The creator, he was the episode before here. But I was telling him, I was a telemarketer for a while. That was a fucking stupid-ass job, scamming old people. But I don't know. I worked in a machine shop. You do anything dumb as hell? I feel like I just had every bullshit job in the world. Yeah.

I worked at Starbucks. I worked at Best Buy. I used to work for the state. Ooh, nice. The IRS. You worked at the IRS? Yeah, I did. I worked at a lot of reception jobs, different offices. Oh, yeah.

I used to love being at the front desk places. It felt like the easiest job. You just answer a phone. You know what I mean? Respond to some emails. It doesn't really matter. Yeah, I know. I love that shit. I worked for like an old person's home. That was here though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean in Boston doing some like...

clerical shit but I really didn't do shit you never had to like break up any old fights nah old orgies people were pretty chill they were cool yeah yeah yeah they were cool this was like a daytime joint like come in a day oh like like old person daycare yeah yeah yeah yeah it was like a little chill community spot but I've done all types of bullshit so your time in Atlanta was just like fucking around whatever different job every year getting fucked up getting drunk yeah

Partying, clubbing. I mean, we was like, this was like crunk era. Hell yeah. Little John Atlanta. Oh my God. Little John Atlanta. That's incredible. It's like being, you know.

It's like fucking going to Woodstock. Yeah. If you like, we're just in Jimi Hendrix. Yeah. If you like hippie shit. We're like, we're way outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just being outside every day. That's fucking awesome. Trying to go to every club in the city. Yeah. It was all just so new and exciting. You know what I mean? That was the death knell of you being straight at all probably, right? Or were you still? I was straight for like the first two years I was there. Oh, nice. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't start dating girls until I was there for like three years. I feel like I was out three years in. Nice. Four years in. So I was dating dudes when I first got there. Which is nice because I got to do all of Atlanta. I really saw. You truly did. I saw the whole thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When people are like, I want to go experience the whole city, they're not sucking dick and eating pussy usually. They're picking one. And living in those both worlds. I got all the way over here at one point and then I was all the way over here at one point. So I've seen it all really. So was there like a style switch up? Oh yeah, it was a whole thing. You were feminine as shit or what? Yeah, and like an actual psycho too. I'm such a nut. Yeah.

I'm like a real crazy person. So it was just like one day I was looking one way and the next day I was like, yeah, now I look like this. So you're in a fucking dress and shit? Weave? My homie just... And then the next day you look like this? My homie just told me he remembers the last day I had my titties out. He's like...

We were just talking about it. Because I still have a lot of those same friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, yo, I remember the last day your titties was out because we all noticed because you really came like glammed up. He was like, and I feel like you did it because you knew. Because I usually don't get extra, but I was like being extra. One last hurrah. Because I knew it was the last time. I think I just was like, let me give these titties a full spin. Let me feel that. And let me be sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when I get,

and I'm getting attention. Do I really not want this? And I was like, I really don't want this. And the next day, I was just like in a jersey with a haircut. Lined up, ready to go. That's fucking hilarious. That's so fucking... So there must have been people who just straight up thought you were like your cousin or something. You know what I mean? There must have been people who were like, whoa, who the fuck is this guy? You know what I mean? Like...

You probably could have snuck back in. You guys seen my sister? I look back on it like, what a psycho. That's awesome to just be like, it's one day. It wasn't a gradual thing. No, I'm such a crazy person.

That's fucking hilarious. So was it like when you... Did you date serious... Did you seriously date guys or was it just like... Yeah, I mean, my first boyfriend was like... We were together for like six years or seven years. Oh, damn. That young shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I don't really count because it's like I don't know anything really, you know? Of course. I didn't know anything. First relationship doesn't count. Yeah, we were having sex but I don't know what it...

we don't know what the fuck we were doing. Yeah, yeah. I think it was more just we were best friends, you know? Yeah, yeah. And, like, my mom died when we were together, so we were kind of bonded through a chair. You know, like, it was just trauma bonding in there and stuff. Yeah. And then after that, I was just like, fucking dudes, let them write. Because I was like, I was trying to feel something. You know what I mean? Of course. I was like, I like sex with him, so it must not be that I don't like dudes. But, like, this isn't working, so let me just keep trying different dicks. Of course. It must be that. Yeah.

It must be the wrong dick. It must be the wrong dick is what I'm thinking. What misogynist think will happen to a lesbian? They're like, she just hasn't had the right dick yet. That was your thinking as well? That was. But I love that because I can tell them that that's not true. Right, right, right. I tried. I can honestly say that is not the case.

I've had several dicks, several sizes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All types of shit. Yeah. It just ain't for me. That's awesome. You're a full expert on the topic. That is fucking awesome. It's like when they tell you in debate club, you have to be able to argue the opponent's point. Yes. You did it. You argued heterosexual the whole way through. That's fucking awesome. Let me check on my pizza. Yeah, please. Yeah, we need to have the first pizza ordered to the studio ever.

He's heading my way. Oh, yeah. Great. Three minutes. Who'd you go with? I went with, and I hope this is... And I'll tell you if it's the right one. Oh, my God, dude. If it's bad, because I'm a pizza person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm big on it. Yeah.

And I looked and I said, these guys look like they know what they're doing. Okay, okay. But they also be full of shit. Yeah. Andrew Bellucci's. Oh, good call. All right, sweet. That's the best one. Very nicely done. I got a good eye. Yeah, yeah, good eye. I was like, I think these motherfuckers got it. All those years in the Greek carryouts. They really fucking showed you.

Fuck yeah, that's awesome. Now, yeah, now I want pizza. You really did a great job. I got a large. It's great. It's awesome. Enough for the whole team. Yep.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I love, I mean, Atlanta is a sick city. Yeah. Great. Like just a font. It seems like such a fun, it seems like such a fun place to be like young and figuring out. Yes. That it's time to date girls. Because it's, it's very like, I, I always say, and I'm not the only one, so please don't think I came up with this, but I always say Atlanta is a white, is a Boston, like, you know what I'm saying? For black people. Boston for black people. Yeah. Well,

Or vice versa, Boston is white Atlanta. You know what I mean? Oh, I see, I see. Because it's just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that with multiple cities about Atlanta. Like, basically, the point is, like, the best place to be black. Like, I've heard that about, like, Denver or, like, the whitest places. You know what I mean? It's very, like, you got to be young. At least the time that I was there. You got to be a little... You got to be reckless. And you weren't, like, super worried about, like...

going to jail. Unless you were really doing something like crazy. Totally. You weren't out here like worried and you weren't worried about really even if there was fights and things that would break out. It wasn't like crazy. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was just a vibe of very family young. We all just want to

be out here being great type of energy that was flowing through it. Yeah. That was very dope. Yeah. No, it's fucking sick. And it's funny because Atlanta at that time, at that exact time, I think it was also doing like adult swim. So it's like, it was the best place. It was the best place to be like a young black person.

lesbian at the time. And also if you were like really into Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Or anything creative too. It was just like such an outlet for creativity. So much shit going on. All the art and music and all that shit.

Yeah, I mean, Atlanta the show fucking rocks. That shit's fucking awesome. Also, we like Atlanta the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What other stuff about Atlanta do I like? Peaches, fucking peaches. Peaches is the ass emoji. Martin Luther King, come on now. I'm on the fence. Crazy? I don't know. Damn.

My uncle has sent me some interesting links. It is really funny, though, that everyone now is like, Republicans will quote Martin Luther King. It's like,

Come on, guys. We all know. We all know. Not even like your dad. You at the time. Can you believe they really got arrested? That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. Mugshots. Mugshots. Oh, the mugshot. Trump's mugshot is out today, I believe. I would say the Trump one drop. They know that's the one we waiting on. That's the drop. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like they showed us Rudy. Yeah, it's like not give us the one, baby. Yeah. Damn. Rudy looks awesome. He looks fucking terrible. He looks so fucking hilarious. They got Rudy on a Rico charge. These motherfuckers. Damn. On his shit. Yeah. That's what you get for coming after the honorable mafia, Rudy.

Your own shit is coming. No, Trump's hasn't dropped yet, Elvis. See, they holding on to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Drake's new album. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They leaked Rudy, but it's like, no, no. You're going to have to really get this stuff. We don't care about this Adonis Drawn cover. Give us the album.

Yeah. Respect to Drake for doing the 180 on his secret child as well. He turned it up. Yeah. He made lemonade out of that once it came out. Now he's father of the year. That's pretty fucking sick.

Cute kid too So when you left So you left at like 20 Do you have like Do you have siblings? I got two older brothers You have two older brothers Yeah Are you close with them Or were you just like Oh hell yeah Alright I'll just You want to grab our Fucking pizza man Hell yeah This is amazing Now we're talking Let me let me Yeah tell our boy Hello We're coming Can you hit the third buzzer My friend Hit the third buzzer

Okay. All right, well, hopefully you don't have to fucking walk downstairs, Eldest. We'll see. He just hung up on me. Yeah. This is the most, like, lazy New York shit ever, but I'm like...

Come on, man. You got to come upstairs. No, seriously. I'm not fucking going down. It doesn't make sense to me. Yeah. They really don't want to. No, they really don't. They'll try and call you. It's like, come on, man. You know the drill. Yeah, you know that's part of your job. I'm high. I tip really nice. It's also part of your job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in Baltimore, you have to basically like...

You run out into the streets and they throw your fucking DoorDash at you. So anytime, like, a friend will be visiting, they'll go downstairs and I'm like, no, you're teaching them bad habits. You run out into the streets. Like...

No, truly. They do not give a fuck. They will not knock on the door. They will just stay parked. That's crazy. Yeah. I hate when they do that. I hate when they take a stand against you. I know. It's like, come on, man. They're like, no, I'm not moving. How bad do you want this food? And it's like, fuck you, dude. Really bad, man. But I'm fat as shit. I'm high. Yeah, they're like, come on, man. I just want my pizza, my wings, and my fucking fries. Uh-oh. Hello? Oh, we got it. Oh.

Yeah. Wow. Astavi's world first. Shout out to Sam for making it happen. Get a couple. Hey, get a couple fucking plates. What the fuck? We're going to eat like animals, Elders?

Yeah. What kind of kid were you? I was a... How many siblings do you have? I had two... I have two twin brothers. Oh, shit. They're fraternal twins. I was a... I was a IVF. I was like a test tube baby. Oh, for real? So my parents couldn't have kids. Are you the youngest? I'm the oldest. So my brothers... Yeah. So, okay. Break it down. We got these little ass plates, man. What the fuck?

We have paper plates. Anyway, I don't mean to be scolding you so much on the podcast. They're a little small, man. I'm like, I don't know. You kind of sound like one of those. Try and speak it into the mic, Eldis. Oh, hell yeah. Wow. Look at this, folks. I can look at it. You fucking nailed it.

You literally picked the best pizza in the neighborhood. I'm going to let you do the honors and get the first bite. You don't want to... Oh, yeah, you're watching your figure.

Eldest is... You're down, though. You're looking good, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm down a little bit, you know. Yeah. Trying what I can. I got that two and a half week vacay coming up. You got a two and a half week vacay? That's going to be like dodging some bombs here and there. Oh, dude. Just trying to keep it tight where I can. Yeah. Of course, we did get very fat on the tour. Yeah. The whole team. The culture seeped down to the whole team. I got to see JP a little fat. That's when you really...

I know. You didn't even have like in the little chunky. I know. So JP would open for me a lot of the times. So fucking funny. JP McDade. But that motherfucker, he would like work out constantly. He would whatever. But it's like, we even got that motherfucker fat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was plumping up. He would do this insane thing where he would walk to a McDonald's. Like he would get up at like 7 a.m. You know when people like,

You know you get up at 7:00 you work out like usually you're an early riser He would get up at 7:00 a.m. And like just smash two McGriddles like he would do his like evil in the morning I could he would go to bed early. We would be me and I'll be getting fucked up We'd be like dude Let's order Chinese and JP would be like no I cannot I have to read a book and go to bed and

And then he would wake up and have McDonald's at 7 while we're sleeping. It was the most fucking bizarre shit of all time. There's some shame going on there. Yeah, it's that Irish shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so fucking funny, but yeah. No, you're looking good, baby boy. Let me take a fucking bite here. No.

Goddamn. I needed that. Yeah. I was down that. Mm-hmm. But now I'm up 10. Mm-hmm. Now we have podcast fuel, folks. So, test tube, baby. Yeah. But then they ended up making, like, not test tube, baby? No, no, they had another. So my parents were like, they had one, me. And then they were like, all right, let's get one more.

But you know how fucking test tubes work. It's like they put like nine, like fucking 10 embryos in your mom and one survives. So both my brothers were about to be triplets for a while. And then they killed that motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They strangled that motherfucker in the womb. And it was just the two of them. But yeah, if my parents had the twins first, there's no way they would have had another kid. But yeah, it's like,

They were fraternal. They're fraternal, though, so it's like they're twins. They just happen to be twins, right? Like, they don't have, like... I don't believe in that. Yeah. I have a whole thing. Like, I really... I kind of couldn't stand...

I don't like the twin thing period because they like think they matter because of that and it's like you didn't do any fucking thing yeah yeah yeah fraternal doesn't count I'm with you fraternal one is like you don't even fucking look alike yeah yeah my brothers look nothing alike and here's where it's really fucked up we're fraternal twins are one's a guy one's a girl it's like alright well this this definitely doesn't count

You can't be a twin and you don't look exactly alike and you're a different gender. It's just not like a marvel. Like, we're not living in, like, 1901. Like, I don't care that you two niggas look alike. Yeah. Well, what's fucked up is... What's fucked up is if your cousin... So, like...

If you're, let's say two identical, if two identical twins each have kids with another set of identical twins, they're like children have the DNA of like siblings. Which, that shit is fucking weird. Your cousin is basically biologically your fucking brother. Only twins I respect are Siamese, my nigga. Yeah.

Word up. You gotta be stuck to fucking gather. Conjoined joints? Fuck with that. That's some shit. You sharing one heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the ones where it's like someone, they're conjoined and one has a boyfriend? And it's like, well, how does this work? But that's what I'm saying. Like, I respect that. Like, these motherfuckers is going through something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have to like put on sunglasses and like noise canceling earphones? Imagine there's one heart and two dicks. And it's like, yeah.

I'm still out here trying to live. You know what I'm saying? I wonder if you have two dicks. Now, it's way more interesting to me when it's like... I saw one where it was like sisters. And they basically had a head. An extra head. But they share the same pussy. So your boyfriend fucks you. Are you not allowed to look at the twin? How does that work? They made it clear in the interview...

This is my boyfriend. This is not her boyfriend. But it's like, he's fucking both of you. Because he's getting in her snatch as well. I know. So does she have to give some sign off? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Like, does she have to like put on a sleep mask? I imagine it's probably just the one, whichever one is the like, feels like the older one. It's just Boston, the other one. It's like, we're taking, we're getting fucked today. I don't care what you had on the docket. I'm getting cocked.

That's gotta be brutal. I imagine that's what's happening. Yeah, getting fucked with you is just like, ugh.

Or also, what's even better, what's funnier is like, your Siamese twin sucking dick this close to you. And you just have to like, that's actually more offensive because it's like, all right, whatever, your pussy's getting fucked. It probably feels all right, whatever. But you just have to be this close to someone sucking dick. Yeah, you also like disassociate yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to just zone out. When I'm in phases right here, you're just like. Yeah, but yeah. You smell the dick breath afterwards. Yeah.

Oh, man, that's got to be tough. Call in if you're a conjoined twin. Let us know. That would actually be fucking awesome. I would love to. We would love to talk to a conjoined twin and let us know how your sex lives go specifically. Yeah. Yeah. But my brothers are just like they're totally not. They have none of that twin shit.

They just happen to be born at the same time. I have two sets of twins in my family that are like that. And when they were little, my aunts would take them to National Twin Day. And it's like, shut the fuck up. Maybe that's where your hostility towards twins starts. No, yeah, it totally starts with them. They got more attention. The twins are coming. I'm like, they don't even fucking look alike. Why are we so excited that they're coming?

I like when they're identical twins and then they just veer off in such wild directions. To me, it is kind of creepy when they are exactly the same and they dress the same and they have all that shit. That shit's fucking weird. But like when you... Same shirt, same hair. But it's cool when it's like they look the same as kids and then one gets fat. You know what I mean? One like gets a buzz cut. I think my personality, like if I actually had an identical twin...

How I am, I would work so hard to not look like them. Like, it would drive me crazy. You know, I would just, I would, like, slash my face. I would just do something. Like, I can't look just like you. A star. This is nuts. Yeah. An evil twin. Yeah, I would turn evil. You would be the evil twin with the eye patch. You would have a leather jacket and eye patch. My God, like the bad Miles Morales in the multiverse. That's right.

That's a good, I can't, pretty pissed off they ended that on a cliffhanger. I loved it. No, I want to know what happens. Of course, but it was a great cliffhanger because we were like. Yeah, but I was like, hell yeah, it's about, we're in for like 20 minutes of action and they're like, no, it's actually over. That shit was so good. It was fucking awesome. That shit, so, I mean, on our third, me and Eldis are born,

We're a weird type of fraternal twin. Because he's born February 10th, I'm born February 11th. And for our 30th birthday, we took acid and saw the first Spider-Verse movie. Oh, yeah. And honestly, it was fucking awesome. That's rad. It was exactly what we needed that day. I'm scared of acid, but that sounds fun. Oh, it rocks, dude. Everyone tells me, and I don't know why. Do you do mushrooms? I do. Really? What's the problem?

Yeah. My mom was, you know, a 70s kid and like she just told me crazy shit about acid. She was like, you don't do that because you might go on a trip and never come back. I know a lot of people got

You know what I mean? So it's just in my head. Interesting. That's what she told you about it? I was pretty scared too, honestly. Like I've done shrooms a few times and I love them. And I was like acid always just seemed like too much to me. But it was honestly all right. It didn't even feel that different to me. I was probably lucky. Like I had half of what Staph took. But I feel like it was still like a dose, right? I don't know.

You had one I took like two and a half. Yeah. Two and a half what? Like I don't even know the units we're using. Just two slips of paper. Two little dots of paper. Also the name doesn't help. It's like acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That name sounds hardcore. It sounds hardcore. LSD is a cooler though. But acid definitely feels like it's going to eat your brain. That's what you would hear is like

It would get in your brain stem and you'll have acid flashbacks and all that shit. But, you know, so far so good. I mean, now, don't get me wrong. I know people who have done acid so much and they are fucked up. But you do it every once in a while. You're good. And maybe that's what my mom was like.

Leaving out like this person did it a billion a hundred percent in the 70s people were doing it in the 70s Those motherfuckers were just doing it every day and you can't be doing and I'm like nah, man. I don't know No, it's a it's a twice a year thing max in my opinion. That's most drugs. Yeah, I

Like, I do Molly. I'm like, that's maybe a three-time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A year situation. Sure. Special occasion. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I basically just don't... I just don't... I smoke... I'm trying not to smoke weed as much because that can be an everyday thing for me. No problem.

And then I'm off cocaine. Too fat to do cocaine. That's what's up. There's no way I can... I'm glad you just let yourself come to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's responsible. You don't want everyone at the party nervous after you've hit three fat lines. And I'm getting... I'm overheating. I'm like...

Oh, this is a good time, guys. I don't want everybody kind of teetering on the edge, dialing 911 and just waiting. I don't do cocaine, never have, but I just, you know, as a fellow fat person, I just always feel like, I don't know, fat people don't cocaine, don't make it. It never looks good on fat people. Yeah, you get too sweaty. Yeah, like Tom Arnold used to look crazy. Yeah, yeah.

It is a drug that dishevels you. But it's like if you're skinny and hot and you're a little disheveled, that's kind of boring. But like fat and disheveled and sweating. Looks like I just found out my wife's keeping the house in the divorce. That's what it looks like if you're fucking fat and on cocaine. Like frazzled. Yeah, frazzled. I'm only going to get to see my kids once every two months. He's like, I don't like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right.

You're right. But at the same time, maybe that's a little internalized fat phobia on our part. It could be. Maybe I owe it actually to fat people to start doing cocaine again. All right. Yeah. Something to think about. I'll just get called the guy. Let's get some. Let's get an eight ball going. This is our first ever pizza and cocaine episode of Stavi's World.

We're still looking for our first cocaine sponsor. That would be fire. Yeah. Someday. Someday they'll be selling like clean, regulated cocaine. That isn't fun. Yeah. And now you're doing like 20 lines. I don't feel shit. No, I'm just... I'm off that shit. And it wasn't too... Yeah. It's for a specific kind of person, I feel like. And not me. I just like to chill. I like to chill. I like a...

Definitely more I'll do psychedelics And then I'll do like You know just zone out I like heady stuff I'll do some pills I like heady shit But I gotta stop doing that shit too I like stuff that Is like Makes me think and shit Yeah Little fucking That's on some mushrooms Yeah You'd like acid

I think I would. You would. I think you would. Your mom was on some hippie shit? She was doing drugs and shit back in the day? No, she's so, like, straight-laced and, like... Oh, really? I don't know what... Like, because, you know, she passed away when I was 16, so maybe there are walls that she just wasn't telling me. Right, right, right. But, like...

We grew up very like Why would you need any drugs Right right right But I also Come from a family of alcoholics So it's Yeah yeah yeah Very contradicting information Totally totally Yeah yeah yeah Like Everybody in my family Yeah just drunk as shit Everyone drinks Thanksgiving is just Everyone drinks Everyone's sloshed Everyone's a little I It's So bad that I don't I couldn't Drunk to me is You gotta be Yeah yeah yeah You gotta be Yeah

Yeah, having eight drinks, that's not drunk. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Yeah, you can fucking drive home. You're right. You're buzzed after nine. Yeah, that is a... I mean, that can be fun and volatile, though. Like, I feel like that's a powder keg if everybody's drunk at fucking Christmas. You know what I mean? I mean, it's like... It's weird because...

we never been like um it's not like big fights break out and it's just everybody enjoys their alcohol and different like i got my i got my cool uncles who just drink beer and they'll just be drinking the beers all night having fun i got my aunt who you know they start on a wind and they kind of switch over i got some of my aunts off the door they on their jack daniels way and that's what they're doing someone's got a flask right so just never was

Alcohol was never like a really taboo thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When's the first time you got drunk? How were we talking? Drunk? By regular people's standards. Not by the family's standards. It took me a long... Well, for me, it's like, I can only answer how I... Yes. Feeling drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, maybe... Oh, New Year's Eve...

I was 17. Okay. Yeah. 17. I got fucked up. Yeah, hell yeah. I was drunk. Yeah. That's good. Crawling in the house. Crawling up. Damn. So drunk to you was alcohol poisoning. I was like, damn, I'm drunk. I was like, damn, I'm drunk. I just, yo, it was so crazy because I just, I had totally forgot this happened to me.

But I just remembered when I like actually did like fully have alcohol poisoning, woke up in a hospital handcuffed to a bed. I totally like I was home and someone like reminded me like my bad time at that party. Handcuffed?

And I was like, I completely forgot that. That's fucking hilarious. What happened? Do you remember at all? I remember, yeah. I had the boyfriend at the time. My first boyfriend. And I was living in Atlanta. And I was drinking like every day. Getting fucked up. And we were like pre-gaming. Titties out. Titties out. We were pre-gaming with 151. Oh. Wildin'. We were like wildin'.

But I had came home to Boston, and Boston's so boring and dull, and nothing goes on. And I was home for like a month, so I just wasn't drinking like that, you know? And we go out to this party, and it's like the drinks are flowing, and I'm like, yeah, I'm drinking tonight. And I go right to drinking how I drink in Atlanta. I haven't been drinking for like a month. At 1.51 comes out, I'm drinking it straight. Like, I do this. I go to the bathroom.

Trying to sprint without stretching. Yeah. It's like, yeah. I go to the bathroom. I don't remember anything after that, but waking up a little bit in an ambulance. And I remember going like, why am I in an ambulance? I was just having an awesome time. And my boyfriend, he's such a fucking nerd. Such a dork. Yeah. He's like all over me, concerned looking face. I remember that. And he was... That's why he's a nerd. And he was like...

I didn't want you to die. It's so annoying, yeah. And he was like, you passed out in the bathroom. And I was like, why didn't you just put me in the bed and let me sleep? But, like, this was at the, I'm drinking at that level in Atlanta. Like, we're having blackout nights, all that. And it's like, you just put the person in a room and, like, check on their, which, like, we were experts to do that. We weren't. We're like, we'll check on their breathing every 30 minutes. Of course. As long as they're good. You were fucking passed out also. And, like, I totally could have, yeah, gargling on my own throw up, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I'm like, why didn't I remember just being like, why didn't you just put me in the bed? I just want to go to bed. Yeah. The next thing I wake up and I tried to move my arm and I couldn't. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And I kind of put my other arm and I'm like, this is weird. I'm like, look. And I'm like, wait, I'm in a hospital room. And I'm like, why am I handcuffed to the bed? And they were like, you, you were being violent. Yeah.

In the hospital, drunk as shit. And you spit on a nurse. And I'm like, what? I remember none of this. That's fucking wild. None of this. And I'm like, but I'm, again, I'm a psycho. So my mind goes to, well, what made me do that? I'm just drunk. I'm like, well, what was going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the context, please? Yeah, what's the context? And they were like, you just kept saying you just want to go to bed. And I was like, oh, now that makes sense to me. Like, I'm tired. I'm drunk as shit. Y'all are touching me and putting me in gowns.

And fucking with me. And I'm like, if you would just let me sleep, bitch. Right, right, right. This would be over with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, where? We put you in a bed. And you're like, shut the fuck up. Take these handcuffs off me. That's fucking hilarious. Spitting on a nurse because you're tired. That's how a baby... That's what a baby does. You were too grumpy for your nap because it was nap time. And they said my...

My blood alcohol level was 3.94. Goddamn. Yeah. Some shit like that. Yeah. A nice close to 4%. I mean, I called my Atlanta friends proud. Yeah.

And my boyfriend was so disappointed. I called him like, I woke up in the hospital. And we're talking, we're laughing. And I get on the phone. He's just looking at me with this like stoic ass face. Stern ass face. And he's like, that's not funny. Now, was he gay also? And I was like, shut up. Sounds like he was. You would think he was. And the way he was behaving. But, yeah.

That would be awesome just to complete you both turn out gay, the high school relationship. I feel like that probably happens in like drama. That happens a lot. That happens with theater kids probably. Like a theater tech girl that's building the sets and the star who's doing fucking ballet. And then honestly after that I thought like, oh man, I'm mad invincible.

Isn't that fucked up? That's your takeaway? I was like, my blood alcohol got that high. And all I needed was a nap, essentially. I'm fucking ill. I'm bulletproof. Yeah, I'm fucking ill. Time to put on a Bo Jackson jersey and start eating pussy. Send me back to Atlanta. Yeah, that was the start. That was the start of the transformation. That's how you become a stud. That's hilarious. Yeah.

Oh, that's funny as shit. I love it, dude. That's fucking awesome. Well, look, you got it. We can talk about a bunch of shit, but I do feel like I want you tackling our caller's problems here. It's time for me to get a drink. There's tons of shit. Yeah, yeah. Let's get you a little... Let's get your advice. After that story. Of course. No, that's... To show what a... I talk it and I live it. Exactly, exactly. To show the background. Yeah.

To show your bone of feeds as an expert and someone people should listen to. You wake up handcuffed to a hospital. It's like, ah, well, now. I really think that is a joke. Yeah. We're not, like, doing real work.

So my one job is to like have actual life experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to be like saying shit. Yeah, yeah. So it's like you got to get out of here. You got to do some drugs. You got to fight with the police. You've got to get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You got to get out of here and get in some mess. Get some mess. You know, have some horrific relationships. Yep. Embarrass yourself sexually. That's more of my area of expertise. I have no shortage of that. Yeah.

Yeah, so why don't we fucking take some cold... And by the way, we should say, the special, we didn't say, the special's out now on HBO. Hell yeah. Go watch it. Salute me or shoot me. Salute me or shoot me.

Walker fan? Big Walker fan. Hell yeah. Exactly why I named it that. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Yeah, man. I just felt like that was the energy. The zone I was in. The mode I was in. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So go watch it right now. It's streaming on Max. It's on HBO. Comedy special. Let's get some fucking advice from our friend Sam here. Eldest?

And a drink. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hold on. Let's get our friend a drink here. Should we pause here? You want to... What do you want? What do you want to drink? What you got? We have a little bar here. Here, folks, we're going to take a liquor break and be right back. Bar break, bitch. Yeah.

And we're back, folks. That story about waking up handcuffed made Sam nostalgic for booze. Yeah. And she's got a little tequila ginger going, which is a great one, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's straight to it. It's beautiful. Because I remember I dated a lot of alcoholics in my early 20s, and one of them put me on to tequila ginger. So that puts me back to when I was 24, living in...

Living in a three, like having a $300 bedroom in Baltimore. Like just fucking broke a shit working at a paint store. But getting some of the best pussy of my life. I'm so happy for you. Salute. Yeah, yeah. I'm in a good mood. Sam's in a good mood. He's going to start whacking his dick. I'm going to start beating off. We're going to take a jack off break after. Our two vices. Booze. Jacking off. One alcoholic, one pervert on the pod.

I'll just hit us with our first call, baby. Stavi, what's up? Eldest guest. What's going on? So, question. I've been trying to get a date with this girl for a while, right? And I finally get her. I'm lifting one night and she says, let's get drinks. I hustle to go meet her. It's like 1.30 a.m. And I get there.

Hit it off with her. Have a great time. Just my type. I don't like to, you know, get attached after a first date, but we're hitting it off. Invites me back to her place. We get back. And I'm just having a great time, you know. Eventually get in bed, shred off Fast and the Furious. I've gotten pussy to Fast and the Furious before as well. Making out, everything. Tells me to go get a condom out of my car. I get it. Come back.

And I could not get hard. Like, I can make so many excuses, but it just wasn't happening, you know? And so I just start going down on her and doing all that, you know, fun stuff. She was digging that, right? Still, I just could not get hard. And eventually...

I kind of did. And kind of, you know, got it in. Oh, yeah. Seemed like she enjoyed it, but you can imagine, I'm in my head about it. Of course. Like, you fucking dumbass, you know what I mean? Sounds like shit. So, I feel like it ended all right. She texted me this. But, do you think the 20 minutes of soft talk was a deal breaker? Just a question, thought you might laugh about it. Come on. Yeah. Appreciate your advice. Take care. Love the pod.

Love you guys. See ya. Buddy, if 20 minutes of soft cock is a deal breaker, I will never find love. I've logged at least 1,000 minutes of soft cock with a woman I want to fuck. I have done that exact... You know how many times I've...

I've done that same move of eating pussy and then trying to jack your dick clandestinely while you eat pussy and you're praying and you know it's not going to happen. And then the shit gets kind of hard and you mush it in. Yeah, I've been where you are hundreds of times. This isn't even... There was one girl, I couldn't get hard, and she assumed my soft dick was my hard dick. Oh.

This is how nice women are, right? She assumed my soft dick was my hard dick, meaning my dick is two inches. I don't even know how fucking little my soft dick is. I've never measured it. My hard dick's nothing to talk about. But she thought my soft dick was my fully hard dick. She thought I had a micro penis. She came back and we dated for months after that. My dick got hard the second time, but that's how much leeway...

Many straight women will give you now some will throw you to the wolves. That's summer you're in the group chat. You're fucked It's definitely not a deal-breaker. I can't you know from my from my as a soft cock man Not a deal-breaker whatsoever, especially because first experiences are always weird anyway, so

Yeah. You know? I would, yeah. Did you ever deal, this is a big advantage in the lesbian community, your dick is usually in a bag of some, a satchel or a backpack, and it's hard already once you get it out, once you get out of its carrying case. That's a big, something you don't have to deal with anymore. No, stay hard. Yeah. Stay hard. Yeah.

As long as she needed to be. Yeah. You know what? We should do something where all strap-ons have like a, you press a button and 95% of the time it's hard, but 5% it just gets soft. Oh, like we have to learn how to play with a disadvantage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just so you know what it's like to put a 60% hard dick into a woman and how much you really can't pull back at all. You have to kind of really... Like rock and roll.

Yeah, you're almost dead. You're kind of dancing a salsa But yeah, I think this guy's okay, what do you think Sam? Yeah, I mean he was eating box. He was trying to turn it up another way So and I think it's mostly what you're saying like the first time is awkward now I don't eat people hold that too heavy against your list is something crazy. You know me Yeah, and he also this girl called him to get a drink at 1:30 and

She knew what the fuck was up. She wanted to smash. She seems to like, he said he was trying to get a date with her for a while. Is that right, Elders? Yep. He said he was trying to get a date with her for a while. So whatever you were doing finally worked. You had a nice, you said you hit it off with the thing. Here's another thing to think about. Most, if you talk to like girls that you hook up with,

Most guys are bad at fucking. It's a low bar. It's like learning the woman is a huge part of being able to fuck her. Yeah. So I think that's a lot of it too. It's just like, you just don't know each other yet and it's just awkward, you know?

But at least he's eating pussy. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? That's why I think he's going to be fine. I think you're fine. He still went in and he didn't make a big deal. He wasn't screaming at his dick. Shit, shit, it's hard. He didn't run it in the bathroom and shit. He played it smooth. He still stayed there, did what he needed to do. That's right. You hung in the pocket. You took a couple shots, but you still got the ball out. He's good. Because some niggas be weird. They start sitting on the edge of the bed. Ha ha ha.

hunched over and shit you're like alright hey look I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I haven't given myself some pep talks in the bathroom like uh I gotta go to the bathroom twice in seven minutes and I'm just in there hitting my dick on the sink like come on wake up laughing

God damn it. Why are you doing this to me? I think that's more disturbing to women than if you just hang in there and suck some titties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, believe me. The suck some titties and jack off special. They should call that the Stavros. I'm going to call that the Stavros. Sucking titties and beating off. That's my move. That's my patented move. All right, buddy, you're going to be fine. Don't worry. I'll just hit us with another one, bud.

Hey, Skavi. So I just sent in a voicemail, but I realized I didn't really add enough detail. Okay. And I know that you always have clarifying questions after. So I want to add some more detail to the story. Basically, I am a 22-year-old female. I am set to get married next month.

To my fiance, who is also 22. We've known each other since we were about 13. Oh, wow. We've never done anything sexual, which is pretty different for me. Whoa. Because the girl is a freak. What the fuck? I'm very confident in my sexual skills. There's no problem there. Let's finish. My issue is, since I am getting married, I want our first time to be just...

the best, like off the charts. I want to blow everybody out of the water that he's ever had sex with. So I just wanted some advice from you. Wow. You know, I'm pretty sure you've tried a lot of different things. And, you know, I don't know if you have like a list of things that you're like, oh, I will try again or that you like expanded now for you or just something wild that some girl did one night and you were like fucking awesome.

Yeah, that would really help because I just really want to lay it down. I got this one. Please do. Thank you. Please, I want you to take this, but it's crazy to me that she thinks she's given us enough detail. Yeah. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? But go ahead, Sam. There's a lot. There's a lot to unpack. There's also, like, she just, to assume, because, I mean, look at you. To assume that your boyfriend and you, her boyfriend and you,

Want the same stuff. That's true. That is true. This is a man. You're marrying someone who doesn't want to fuck his fiance. Me and him could not be more different. See, the thing is, there's no...

I think it's more mental shit she got to do. Well, yeah. You did, because they never fucked. So it's like, to blow it, it's not like, oh, hit him with the freaky left ball lick. No, exactly, exactly. You know what I'm saying? They ain't know, Will. You feel me? Keep it to the right. They ain't know, Will. No, no, no. I know what you mean, though. Like, you know, I think it's like she knows him and like she got to get in his head. You're absolutely right. And here's the thing. You don't need to worry because if you guys haven't fucked...

And you're just good at fucking. You said you're a freak. You're going... First of all, he's good... Ostensibly, he's not fucking anybody else. And you guys are getting married. You've known each other since you're... So, let's take it from a micro thing right now. The actual... He hasn't fucked in a while...

Whatever you do is going to be awesome. Yeah. Right? Like, you don't have to go out there, start with your A-plus stuff when, I mean, you could just suck him off regular. Nah, I think you're wrong. I think you're wrong. You think she's got to go crazy on him? I think it's wedding night. I think he's got to be with this pussy forever. I think she's got to show up. She's got to go crazy. See, this is how you know men are dumb and they're not women. I don't know. You got to go crazy. Yeah. And then you tell her back.

Yeah. You got to build. That's the thing. In my opinion, all you got to do is go some workman style head and pussy. Get in there nice. Good. Just give them the good...

The basics done very well. I think you gotta know his mentality. That's what I'm saying. This might be a personality thing because for me, it's like, I would prefer you go crazy on me and do all this crazy shit because it's our wedding night and I'm like, whoa, she's really showed up to fucking put it on me. This is gonna be my pussy forever and she's letting me know I can have it upside down, inside out at whichever wedding. And it's a special occasion. And then have my nose wide open like, damn, and then she come with to my regular head and I'm like,

I'm like, oh, no, I need to get the pussy back to that level. I see. Busting off on me. I'm not so. OK, I see what you're saying. It's like she sets the bar for what the best version of her pussy is. Then we go to real life. Yeah. But he's always chasing that dragon. And on maybe you get that level of pussy three or four times a year. You know, I see that. That's that's OK. I like what you're I like what you're saying. That's I see that. I see that.

I'm just, okay, can we, since we've kind of talked about the mentality, and then maybe we'll go back into specifics, I'd like to know what the fuck is going on here. She's 22. Why they're not doing it? They've known each other since they were 13, right? So they're like friends. Yeah. This is strange to me. It's like, clearly he's fucked. Maybe they want something less safe if you marry her.

Grow up. I mean, I hate to be... He's in the military, some good old fashioned... He's in the military? Is that what she said? Is that what she said? He's going away to... Or he's away at... Oh, did I miss that? The military or some shit. Did you just completely make that up? I didn't hear nothing about the military. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just completely... Like, you didn't even say a word that sounds like military. Okay, so... Like...

This one time, my girl now, my fiance now, super free, has put all types of crazy box on me. But like very early, she was like, and then she did some shit that was like, whoa. Yeah. And then forever, I was like. You're like, I got to get there. I got to get it. But I can't have that every day. But that was also like, it was also, she played with my head first. I think, okay, I see what you're saying.

He is in the military. She said it in the first call, which I also screamed. Do we need the first call? Do we need that call as well? Because she did say, I left out some stuff. No, I see it. I don't think so. Basically, it's just all she left out was that they were in the military or that he was in the military from the first one. So, okay, Eldest. So then she do got to really get the ball, I think, because then he's going away. I just...

I'm just so... I'm a little confused. Are they virgins or what? She's not a virgin. I don't think he's a virgin either. And I don't think he's a virgin either because she says she want to be better than any pussy he ever had. Right, right. Damn, that's crazy if you like already fucked up.

fucked before. I know. But then you start dating someone after you've already fucked in your life and you're waiting to get married. I know. That's crazy. It really is. It's... I don't get it either, but I mean... Patrice had a joke about that where... I think it was at the DC Improv. I don't remember if it was Mr. P or which one where it was like...

some girl said she was celibate, but that she had already had sex before. And he was just like, so you've already fucked, but I don't get pussy? I'm supposed to be okay with that? Now, they have agreed on this, so it's not what we're talking about here. But that, to me, is a little... I'm a little thrown by that, I guess. And look, whatever, that's my...

Whatever. You want to do that? You want to make it special? That's one thing. But also, what did we just talk about on the last call? The first time's kind of weird. It is. That's what you're up against here. And that's why I'm like, that's why I don't, that's why I err on the side of, we haven't fucked in a while.

or we haven't... Neither one of them has had sex in a while. You're kind of... You've kind of backed yourself into a corner where this is... She's confident, though. And I love the confidence. And you hear it in her voice. She wants to get the job done. But it's also like...

It is a little bit of like knowing each other and getting into a little bit of a rhythm. Like even what you're talking about, where it's like your girl kind of like fucked with your head and you start a baseline and then you can go from there. That's why I'm a little confused here. It'd be one thing if you guys had hooked up a little bit or you just kind of knew the lay of the land. I mean, do you have you seen his penis? Yeah. Like what's going on here? Like you guys don't world stuff. Right. Do you have you made him come?

In any way, yeah, yeah. Do you know what he's into? Have you talked about any of that? Yeah, yeah. Because if not, I hate to say it, if you haven't done any of that, this is a bit of an exploratory situation here. Yeah. Where it's, and I guarantee you this man is going to bust forever.

That's another thing. You don't want to be like... It's like using your finishing move on a level one. It's like... I didn't think about that. You know, where it's like, no, you could win with a one punch. You don't have to save up your special for this. This is like level one penis you're dealing with right now. It's not boss penis. You don't have to do your fucking ultimate or whatever the fuck. So...

That's the hard part. You guys have never fucked. You can't really get... You don't give yourself a lot of space to really give him the top-notch freakiest shit because you don't even know what is he... Is he into butt stuff? Is he into... What's his thing? You don't even know. So that's why I'm saying just if you got to do anything...

Go with like a little poo-poo platter, a little sampler of everything. You know what I mean? I like that. Definitely. Yeah, yeah. Definitely, you know, definitely some foreplay. Definitely you got to suck some dick. You know, everything, you know, tickle some balls a little bit.

If you want to, I'm not saying you got to lick his butt, but, you know, maybe get low on the balls, you know, really try just I would say just try entry level.

Of everything, but done well. That's really what it is. It's about enthusiasm, and you clearly want this to do, you know what I mean? So it's like, I think you're fine either way, personally. This is solid. And I think, like, as you guys learn, I think that's when next time, next special occasion or anniversary or something like that, you can set yourself up to really give him the, like, chance.

chase the dragon ultimate pussy that Sam you're talking about and that he can then be hooked on for the rest of his life. But right now, you're on a fact-finding mission. And the other thing to think about is like,

You're building this up a little bit where I don't want her to be disappointed because you have to think about it. It's the first time. It's always weird. We just said that. You guys, you're putting a lot of pressure on it because you're kind of... That's kind of my biggest thing with the wait for marriage thing. It's like, whatever. It's not the religious shit for me. It's like, you're putting all this psychological pressure. We all remember what it was like when we were virgins. We thought it was going to be this insane thing and it was kind of weird. No one fucks for the first time and is like, what?

Wow. You're just like, that was kind of, that was awesome, but it was strange. You know what I mean? So it's like, and you're going to be at a fucking wedding. You're going to have your belly, you're going to have a belly full of cake. You're going to be dancing. You're going to be like drunk and shit. You know, it's like, that's not, a post wedding is never that you're not like, just take wedding out of it. And imagine if you and your fiance went to,

And hung out all day, like busy all day, stressful day. A lot has to go right. Big heavy meal, drinking a ton. It's like, that's not the best recipe for fucking. You're not, we're, in fact, here's what I'm going to tell her. Ready? Okay, I think I got it.

First time, straight, just regular, like, good, enthusiastic, a little dick-sucking, just whatever. He's going to bust. You're going to be fine. You guys will be tired from the wedding, all that stuff. Morning after, maybe you can ratchet it up just a little bit. But you're really, morning after, now we're doing fact-finding. Now we're like, what is he into? And if you really want to get freaky, now we're at the honeymoon. You know what I mean? Like, we've had a week off. We have...

I haven't... You didn't just hug your great aunt and you have her weird old lady breath still on your body while you fuck your husband for the first time. Like, now it's just you two... I disagree. Now I have a whole other idea. Okay, right, right. We're attacking this from all angles, baby girl. We're looking for you. We're looking out for you. So that's kind of... So anyway, that's what I've kind of landed on here. It's like, if you want to do anything a little special first time around...

You're going to need a little distance from it. And I think the honeymoon is a safer place than the wedding night. But go ahead. Counterpoint, Sam. At the reception, take him in the bathroom, suck his dick and let him fuck you in the ass. And then just go continue the night. You know what? That's fucking awesome.

That is fucking so cool. Because he's not going to be thinking. You're so right. Because he's going to be nervous too. The mental thing. That's what you do. That's a great one. Yeah, he might bust in your mouth so fast you might even have to get your ass fucked. But who knows? You know?

That's fucking awesome. And it's like a cool, naughty secret you two will have forever. Yeah. That you nailed it. It took us a while, but we figured it out. And that way you just kind of wedding night. You got it over with and then you can ratchet up from there. That's great. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Call back.

Now that's good. You know, it feels good to help people. We really worked through that one. We really did. We honestly did. We thought about ourselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We brought a lot. What would we need that night? We were so impressive. Our brother was like, what would I like to have happen to me? No, that sounds awesome. If that happened to me, that would be so sick.

Some blow shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is always cool when someone surprises you with doing some freaky shit out of the blue. Nothing better. What's up, Savvy? Love the show, baby boy. I'm about 24 years old, and I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now. Just the other day, got all up in arms and pissed at me because she's in this grad program.

with this girl that I hooked up with. So she started berating me with all these questions. Mind you, she did know that I had a prior, like, not even a relationship, but...

He knew that I had kinda fucked around with this girl for a little bit and then she all of a sudden started berating me with all the questions of like what kind of shit that we did, like if I fucked or not or whatever and she was getting all jealous and I just wanna ask for some advice on how to like approach that with her or if I should just go on or do I just like lie to her? Like I honestly don't wanna lie to her but...

You know, just let me know what you think. Love you, short boy. Okay. So, now... This is... Okay, I know... Now, I would say the safest bet here... I mean, grad program, you're what, in your mid-20s? What you should say is like, look, we dated briefly before I knew you.

It's not a big deal. Like, this is a coincidence. We don't keep in touch. Like, it's not like he's like, she's mad because he's talking to a girl he hooked up with. She's just mad he fucked a different girl in the past. Yeah, that's why I'm like, this is stupid. It's dumb. So it's like, don't heighten this. Like, you're worried about this because she has elevated this. She has made this like a problem because of her own hangups.

But you can't don't like you can't go with her. Exactly. Don't match that energy because that you almost are agreeing implicitly that it's a big deal. It's not a thing. You might have already kind of made it too much of a big deal by not immediately being like, oh, yeah, we used to date very casually. Like we hooked up a couple of times. I didn't know you. I thought he felt like you say she knew about this girl.

It just happens to be now she's in the class with her that she's more concerned. Yeah, actually, I couldn't tell with that because I think it was a transcription error. But I think like, yeah, Elders, do you know, like you screened it, like did she know about her before or what? It seems to me like, well, I don't know because he says he's...

He says she knew that he used to hook up with a girl. I don't know if she knew if it was that girl. Whatever. So she knew, and now she's actually being fucking out of control. Yeah, she's being kind of crazy here. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, because now she's around a girl. And maybe the girl's hot, and maybe the girl's cool, and maybe the girl's a vibe. Maybe she wants to fuck her. And now she's like threatening some kind of way. That's what it seems like at least. It does. No, I think you're right. I misread it.

I thought she did know, but she did know about her. And now she just wants specifics. And honestly, you can just be like, hey, like, it was just a girl that I hooked up with a few times before I knew you. Like, it wasn't anything serious. Yeah, we hooked up, but it was not like...

You know, that's it. And if she keeps going at you about this kind of thing, that's a big red flag in terms of her own jealousy. Yeah, thank you. I was about to say, what are we going to call this lady a bitch? She's being a bitch for sure. Like, it's flippant, right? If an ex, if you're in a class with your current girlfriend's ex...

And you meet some guy. And you're like, all right, whatever. But then you meet the guy. And then you go back to him and you're like, did you suck his penis? Yeah, that's so fucking weird. That would be weird, dude. That's what I mean. It's so fucking weird. And it seems like such a shitty position to put you in, dude. And they've been together for two years. Yeah, especially if she already knew. There's nothing I could give you at this point to satisfy whatever's happening with you in this relationship.

Situation Totally You know what I mean Like whatever it is That you need You actually don't need it From me Yes absolutely She got cheated on Like in high school Or something Something else is going on Yeah for sure So I mean there's nothing You can do about this Except be like Hey like This really is not A big deal at all And if she continues To make it a big deal You gotta think about her dude Exactly Yeah unfortunately That is the case

And hopefully her, I mean, we're people's friends in a situation like this. So it's like, chill out. Because you got to think this, it's crazy for this to go from the classroom to directly to him.

Usually a situation like, like if I, something just happened to me, right? And like, like, look, I'm not going to, I'm not going to pretend like if I see somebody an ex fucked, I'm going to be like, that's awesome. Right? Yeah. It might piss me off for a second. I might be like, fuck that guy. But you complain about it to your friends and it dies there. Imagine telling your friends and being like,

I think I'm going to ask her how big his dick was. Your friends are going to be like, what are you talking about, dude? You're out of your mind. Like, your friends are going to be like, stop. Like, she came home, like, did you suck her tits? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? What is happening? Can we not talk about this? There's a girl I hooked up with. And, you know, so...

That's our advice, buddy. I'm sorry. You're in a tough... This is a strange position, but... Yeah, I mean, this is not... You actually did absolutely nothing wrong here. You're fully... You're fully absolved and don't cave and... Don't cave and get gaslit into feeling guilty here. That's what feels like it's going on. I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like it either. So good luck and hopefully she comes to her senses or, you know, maybe... And you know what? If she's too much of a bitch, go back and fuck that girl. That'll teach her. Yeah.

Now again, it's a vice that I like. It's like the self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like, I wasn't going to do this until you were being a fucking bitch about it. But now I'm fucking that girl again. Yeah. Hit us with a fucking fresh question, Big LD.

Hey Stav, I'm just calling because I'm in a bit of a pickle in a dating situation. I was like kind of interested in this guy from high school where it's been like six or seven years. We're both way hotter and I could tell we were pushed in each other. So I was like kind of down to like make moves on this guy but then

Pause this real quick. Pause this. Can I just say, it's refreshing to get a dirtbag girl calling out. Yeah.

Usually we just get dickhead guys who are fucking, you know, this is awesome. I mean, obviously you're a piece of shit. I mean, you can't fuck someone. While trying to fuck someone, you fuck his brother. And then you're like, I'm going to let that cool off. I like it. I mean, yeah, I respect you, but I just want to say, this is nice. It's a refreshing change of pace. But what's also refreshing is like,

she's still doing this very much like a woman. Like a guy was like, I'm being a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me how to move. But she's like, is it okay? Yeah, yeah. I mean... Yeah, yeah. He's just... Do you think it's time for me to get this done? Is it okay? What if we... Yeah, you end up together and he just, for the rest of his life, knows you... Your kids know you sucked Uncle Mike off. Anyway, let's hear her out. So this is gonna have to be like...

find him in a bar and really actually try not just like drop into a DM. I'm gonna have to go for it because he doesn't have social media or anything. So this is gonna have to be like find him in a bar and really actually try not just like drop into a DM.

So, like, do you think I have a chance with this guy? Like, if some girl was, like, fucking your brother in the past, would you still be down? Or is this just embarrassing? Like, are people going to think that I'm just, like, trying to collect brothers? What do you think? Because...

I mean, I don't really care all that much what people think, but I don't want him to think I'm being like a creep or anything trying to fuck him and his brother at the same time or anything, 'cause I'm not. They're just both... happen to be hot. I gotta be honest with you, it doesn't feel like that's totally off the table. From what we know about you, you were trying to fuck him, you fucked his brother instead.

Because he's hot. Right now, you're not planning on fucking both of them. But what if somebody broaches the subject? It doesn't... To end with that is wild. To be so sincere.

I'm really trying to make this work. She's awesome. But they're both hot. That's where the bottom line is. And again, respect. I love hearing a dirtbag woman call in. But let's be clear, you are a dirtbag for this movie. Well, I don't want to

Let's say hypothetically my brother hooked up with somebody and I fucked her later. I wouldn't give a shit because here's the thing. I probably am not going to end up with that girl. That's not the problem. I'm just trying to get my... Like, here's the thing. You can definitely also fuck this guy, but I don't know that you're going to be able to date this guy. But that's not even a problem. See, I think it would be totally different if it was like, I'm out in my life. I stumble upon the brother. We have a connection. I fuck the brother. Then I see you later in my life. That's not what happened. She was...

Actively trying to fuck one brother. Right, right, right. And then met the other brother and was like, oh, he's hot too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is right here. That's different. Yeah. That's so different. A cock in the hand is worth two in the bush. Yeah. So... Yes, absolutely. You're right. Now, because you said that, to truly be a dirtbag, you could pretend that's what happened. Right? Like, you could pretend like, oh, it's just so whatever. But...

I don't... Yes, it really truly just depends on what your goals are here. The biggest thing we need to know is how did she meet the brother? Did she meet the brother through the brother? When she clinked up the cellar, how did this even happen? Yeah, go up all this, because she said he just popped up or something. Something very vague, didn't she? Yeah.

She said, but then his older brother swoops in and I get a little distracted. How do you swoop in? That's what I mean. Were you at the family reunion scoping it with binoculars on? That's what I want to know. And he just comes by and talks to you? I want to know how the hooking up with the brother happened. Yeah, that's true. So let's leave. Well, I'll leave with this. We think you're a bad person. I think you're cool, but bad.

but bad. We also need some more details. You know what? She hasn't done anything bad yet, I have to say. It'd be one thing if she was like, look, put yourself in her shoes. If there's a girl you wanted to fuck and it's just not popping off, but her also hot sister tries to fuck you, I'll fuck her. I know then that I made a decision, though. That's true, exactly. Whatever the girl tried. I did this. I don't know that I could circle back on this. Okay, I will say...

If I if there's two girls that I want to fuck and they happen to be sisters and I'm not trying to date anyone, I would try. But I'm also like this woman, a piece of shit. So it's like, yeah, you're right. You should just make a decision. I don't think there's a moral problem to fucking a set of siblings, but there is a moral problem. But there's a problem in fucking. The sentence is a moral problem. Yeah.

Of age. Consenting adults that happen to be siblings. But I think there's a more problem if you're... What are you trying to do with this guy? If you're just trying to suck him off, I think you're okay. If a bit of a horny dirtbag, but hey...

Life's for living. Yeah, I won't say I'm a bad person. You sound not like a bad person. I take that back, ma'am. I don't know you. A horny woman that is driven by her animal urges. That's what's bothering me is you keep saying, well, I'm not this and I'm not that and you are that and I just want you to own that. Right, right. That's true. Well, she's not trying to collect brothers. That's not your intent, but the facts could be presented in that way. Yeah.

I think that's the thing that, okay, that's my problem. You're being a bit, yes. This is what I need from women. Yeah. Because like, as bros, you come to your bros and you're like, hey man, I'm about to do some creep shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this is the creep shit I'm about to do. Zaza, and you just put it in that world. That's a good point. Just say you're being a creep, shorty. That's a good point. Because if I fucked a girl, and then I was about to go with her sister, I would text the boys. I'd be like, guess what I'm about to do? Hee, hee, hee. Yeah.

I'm being bad. I'm being bad. I'm being bad. Exactly. You're right. You're right. So yes, own it and you're free to do whatever you want. But just know what you're doing. Yeah. And you are definitely on some minor creep shit. And listen, we support that. More female creeps as far as I'm concerned. More women sucking off the bros. That's good. That's good for business. That's right. I'll just give that the applause. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. What up, Stavi? This is Nick. I'm in Spokane, Washington. I want some advice from you. So, I've been with this girl for about a year and a half now. And we met here in Spokane back in March. She had to move across the country for a job. She actually had to move to Baltimore.

It wasn't a, you know, she was leaving me and like dragging me along type thing. It was kind of, you know, she was forced out of her job and a position somewhere else. So plan is for me to move to Baltimore in January to be with her. However, you know, and this girl is, you know, we talk about the future. You know, I've flown home, flown to her home of Hawaii to meet her parents and her family and all that. So we're very serious about,

However, in the last few months, we've been fighting quite a bit, and I'm not quite sure if it's because sometimes relationships, you become more realized that you're incompatible, or if it's because of the distance that we have been between us the last few months. So I'm kind of torn if I should actually move out there. And another reason is because I'm only a year and a half out of grad school, and I

I'm building a career here, and there's not a lot of career opportunities in my field in Baltimore. So I'm a little bit torn. You know, should I move to Baltimore and be with this woman who I could most likely spend my future with and compromise my career early on, or should I –

let the girl go and stay in my current city and continue building my career. A classic, a classic. So yeah, let me know. Savvy. Appreciate it. Keep up the good work. Love the podcast. Thanks guys. Yeah, this is some classic shit. I mean, there's some factors, right? How successful are you? Like you're talking about building your career. What kind of track are you on? Like, like that's part of it. Um,

And then you kind of... It's as cold as it is to say. You kind of... You have to do the cost-benefit analysis of, like, are you more... Are you successful enough that the job is more important than this person? Like, yeah, what field are you in? The fighting is an interesting wrinkle because... I don't know. Do you feel like you fight more in a long-distance relationship? A lot of times, I would say, yeah. The distance. Yeah. I say...

I have a definitive answer to this. Okay, hit us with it. You stay. Stay. Do not move. Okay. Do not move, bro. It's going to go all bad. I'm telling you this straight up.

It's going to go all bad. You're already fighting. The distance is the thing, probably. I would assume. If it was as smooth as he said prior to, the distance just wears. You're not talking as much. You don't know what the other person's doing. When you're busy, they're not. When they're busy, they're not. It creates a distance. There's a disconnect.

and a lot of times fighting springs out of that but then on top of that if you move and give up what you love you're in somewhere you're unsatisfied she's living she's thriving doing what she wants you're now tacked on to her not being able to find yourself already in the midst of fighting depressed it goes to shit

There's a recipe of getting cheated on here for sure. Where your spirits sink. She's doing great at work. If it's some shit that's really meant to be, then there's no reason they can't survive both of you building your careers and doing what you need to do to set yourself up on a stable ground. And if you need to get into some type of relationship counseling, if it's that serious for

you to try to figure out how to navigate that and make a plan for that then do that but to just throw your shit away to go to somebody I know

Yeah, that's actually, that's a great point where it's like, yeah, you don't even have to, you're, you're both relatively young, right? You just got out of grad school. So you're, you know, mid, well, who knows? Some of these motherfuckers go to grad school until they're 30, but like, you're probably relatively young. And yeah, that's, that's right. It doesn't have to be one or the other. You can be in a long term. A lot of people are in the long term relationship or long distance relationship in their 20s while they're figuring out career shit, family shit, whatever. Um,

I would definitely say before you move, move. So you're moving to Baltimore in January. Have you visited? Have you spent any like... You know, have you spent any kind of time there? Like...

I've had friends who've been in long-distance relationships. Some work, some haven't. And the ones that work, they would visit each other, but it wouldn't just be a weekend. It wouldn't be like a vacation. It would be like, I'm going to visit for two weeks. We're going to go grocery shopping. We're going to do regular shit. I'm going to see if I like this place. You definitely can't move without doing that a little bit. But I like what Sam's saying where it's like, look...

Build your shit up. And who's to say, you know, you said there's not a lot of opportunity in Baltimore.

Keep monitoring that job. Like, if some awesome opportunity pops up. And by the way, Baltimore, D.C., there's a lot of shit around there that you can kind of, I don't know what your industry is, you know. But, you know, monitor that shit. Is there anything close by? Is there something that's, you know, maybe in the area, but you guys could both move to maybe a suburb that's kind of splits the distance between it.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be, you don't have to necessarily move if you're not, that's a huge life change. And the fighting is an interesting thing. I kind of, yeah, I would say you have to kind of go visit and I think you have to talk it out. And unless, if you're moving just for her and you don't have, like, you don't have any job lined up, you don't have any of that shit, it can go bad for sure. So, yeah, dude.

Counseling is also a very good idea because you also want to show, if you care about it, you want to show that you're serious. Because this is also a very easy way for a coward to break up with someone. Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's very easy to be like, oh, I'm just going to build my car. Give me a year. And then you just start fucking on the side. You stop answering FaceTimes. But it's good to be like, no, I'm serious, but I just can't do this for my job. Right.

Right. That's interesting. And that's what I mean. And put those tools in place to like make sure you're creating systems to see each other, support each other, stay connected to one another. So it's not just like an abandonment of the relationship. Right. But you also don't got to like abandon yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because you're right. That is such a classic move when someone...

And then it's like that person gets so sullen and the other person feels so good about themselves because they're earning more. Career is going good. And they're like, why? You're ruining. That person's like, you're killing everything. It's like, yeah, I fucking moved here for you and I'm having a good time. That's exactly what happens. That's a classic. You're so right about that. Eld, what are we looking at, man? You got a nice one to take us home or? I think I got Just The Thing. Just The Thing.

And by the way, again, go watch the special, guys, before our last call on HBO right now. Salute me or shoot me. Stream that shit. Stream that shit. Eldest, take us home, baby. Hi, Scotty, Eldest, and Jess. My name's Kat. You know what? Let's pause right here. Kat is the first person to speak to me. I'll just say the same. Thank you, Kat.

Ellis, did you save all our girl callers for when we had Sam on? This isn't the most we've had. On this round of screening, I just found a bunch. Wow, okay, there we go. Yeah, I'm like, this is not what the show is like usually, Sam. It's usually like a bunch of guys are like, how do I get pussy? It's like you're putting on a more diverse front. I'm like, what the fuck? It's like when I go to an agency and they bring out all the black agencies. Yeah.

It doesn't even matter what department. They're just like, sit there. Just sit there. It's important to her. She said diversity is important to her.

Hi, it's Gabi, eldest and guest. My name's Kat calling from Las Vegas. Just wanted to say thank you for all the inspiration. Listening to you talk about titties, it was one of the last things that inspired me to go get my tits done. Nice. I had them done four years ago, and my tits were so little that they looked like normal boobs afterwards, so I'm literally sitting...

with bags of frozen cauliflower on my boobs and I had gone in today and have bigger boobs in so anyway no questions but just wanted to say thank you so much love you bye chat we're really happy for you we're pro big ass t's on this podcast and anything we can do to kind of uh

shepherd that. We really, we, this is really, like, this feels good. First we told the girl to suck her husband's dick in the bathroom at her wedding, and now Cash is calling in to let us know her tits are bigger than they were before. That's awesome. These are the kinds of calls we like to hear. She's got the frozen cauliflower. She's got the frozen cauliflower on her titties. Perfect. Let those defrost, put them in some hot sauce.

You know what I mean? Make some buffalo cauliflower. Treat yourself. Yeah, that's just nice to know we're making a difference. So if anybody else got their titties done, please call in. Send in a picture. Whatever you want to do. We'll look at them. But thanks. You know what, Eldest? That's a really nice last one. That

That honestly has put a smile on my face. I'm going to be feeling... This must be like when a guidance counselor gets a poor kid into Harvard. This is what it feels like for me, where it's like, we got a girl in Vegas, bigger titties. That's awesome. Yeah. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Sam, thank you. This was so great. It was fun. Yeah, hell yeah. I had a blast.

Go watch the special, guys. Yeah. You on the road at all? I will be, but I don't know where I'm going to be. Okay. But I will be out there. She'll be out there. We're out there. The Fat Rascal Tour is starting in a couple weeks. Fat Rascal. The final leg of the Fat Rascal Tour. We're going to be in fucking Cincinnati to open it up. I need to name my tour. Name my tour right now. Whatever name you say, I'll use it. Fuck. Hold on. What are...

Not Titty's Inn, the Titty's Inn tour. What are some themes we hit on today? You got nothing? What's on the job board? I got nothing. Fuck. I might just call it that. Titty's Inn? Titty's Inn.

What's your favorite? You know, the ginger, the tequila ginger tour. Oh. That's, you know, name it after a cocktail. Just call it Reposado. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Try and get a fucking sponsorship. I might just call it Reposado. Get your shit sponsored by a booze company. Yeah, I might just call it Reposado. There we go. We're going to work on, we're going to eat some pizza, we're going to work on that. But folks, thanks for listening and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye guys. Play a sad old...