#39 - Doug Smith
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Welcome everybody to Stalvey's World, 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. I'm very pumped to have my boy Doug Smith in the studio, ready to go. Good to see you, dude. Haven't seen you in probably...

Did we do some weird in the middle of the pandemic illegal shows together? Were you on... I think we did a couple of those. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah, that weird pop-up Eastville show. Yeah, weird pop-up. Some fucking hotel and... No, oh yeah, that one. I forgot about that one. But were you at the Eastville shows where...

it felt sketchy and you were like, ah, what are the odds someone has COVID? And then there was a COVID outbreak in the middle of it. And I only didn't get it because I was like, I was on my, you know, MSNBC lib shit and like stayed outside when it wasn't my spot. And in the, in my head, I'm like, dude, you're being a fucking pussy. Just go in there. You already decided to go. And I was like, don't, you're going to stand outside, you know? And, uh,

Yes, I believe not to throw the man under the bus immediately, but I believe it was Akash Singh that was patient zero for like a huge comedian COVID outbreak. And I just, his spot was right before, I gave him a fist bump, no dap. And then your knuckles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Delicious.

But yeah, I just remember, I feel like you were on a couple of those. That was probably the last time I bumped into you, and with any regularity. Yeah, dude. It was this weird COVID where every comedy club owner was just trying to not go bankrupt. They're like, I don't care. We have to start shows. I think I got clobbered by Akash. I think it was him. So I was supposed to go to Costa Rica in like...

in like in was it 2021 yes april of 2021 i think that's when it was and uh my wife like was telling me ahead of time like just be careful doing shows wear a mask right okay you got it do

Of course. Whatever. Yeah. And then, yeah, dude, the morning we were supposed to leave, woke up feeling like fucking ass. The morning. And I kept it. And we were supposed to leave at like 4 a.m. too. So I woke up at like 4 a.m. feeling like ass. And I was like, I'm not telling anybody anything. I'm just going to take a rapid test. Yeah. It was positive. I was like, that's a fluke. I'm going to take another one. Took three fucking rapid tests back to back to back.

And then I woke her up like a kid who just pissed the bed. I was like, I gotta tell you something. Yeah.

She would have rather you cheated. She would have rather you got jacked off once. No, nothing, you know, sensual. Just one fucked up handjob instead of... One blindfolded jack off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of ruining the whole vacation. Right, right. Did she go with your kid? No. That would have been awesome. I know, right? That would have been a power move. Yeah, right? She's like, all right, no worries. I got somebody to go in your stead. Yeah, exactly. Henry from the office will come. Yeah.

Couldn't have blamed her, man. Damn, that's brutal. I feel like such an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what a piece of shit I am. I almost I was trying to plead with her like we can still go. I'll just quarantine once we get there. You know, fresh. Let's just go. You're yeah. You're you're shedding viral load after viral load on that airplane. But you're like, it's not a big deal. That's the level of martyrdom. Yeah. Yeah. The greater good of the family.

But not the world. For my family and everybody on that fucking trip, I'll ruin a bunch of vacations instead of just our vacation. I'll ruin everyone around me's vacation. Exactly. Yeah.

But that's what they get for traveling during the pandemic. Right? You should have flipped immediately. You're like, that's what they deserve. They know they're putting themselves in harm's way by traveling during this deadly international pandemic. Yeah. It has to be expected. Yeah. And we were also just talking. So, you know, Doug's very... For those of you who don't know, Doug's a very funny comic. You also have a new pod out. Let's say it right up top. I do have a new pod. It's called Jehovah Boy. Jehovah Boy, which, by the way...

I didn't... And we've been friends basically since I moved to New York from early shows, which I've been here like nine years now. And I knew that you had a weird, fucked up life off of just... You could do echolocation off your act.

You know what I mean? Where it's like, I feel like I know... I feel like we don't really talk... Comedians don't really... Anything we know about each other, it just slivers from our act where it's like, oh, interesting. That's what he's letting on, so there must be more to that. Because every joke is like the tip of an iceberg where it's like, you mentioned a little something, and there's so much more underneath that. And so now, once your pot is about being Jehovah's Witness, I'm putting it all together, and I'm like...

You had an old-ass dad. Yep. That seems like something a weird religious person would do, just keep fucking into their golden years to keep the, like, you know, the brainwashed... more brainwashed people in the world. Sure. And then you had adopted...

siblings and that's like oh that's another that's another thing weird religious people do not to say that your family's a bunch of weird religious people but it's like okay that you've got a couple different adopted siblings and the one that I couldn't mesh with it is that you had a joke about being related to Ulysses S. Grant and to me that's so weird to be like my family's been here since the Civil War and somewhere we were like let's go Jehovah's with it

Because that's interesting, because I thought, because when you said old dad, because before the revelation, because I saw your clips pop up and shit, I'm like, Doug's fucking Jehovah's Witness, this fucking just regular ass white man that I know is Jehovah's Witness. That's the most confusing interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are like, well, you're not black. One of the most standard white men I know who's related to a general from the Civil War is fucking Jehovah's Witness.

But, you know, but the rest of it kind of, you know, completely, completely lined up. But, you know. I mean, I remember we, do you remember we did a gig, Jesus, I want to say like, fuck, probably like maybe 10 years ago. We did a gig with List at Levity Live. Oh my God, yeah. And then we dropped him off and drove home together. Yes, yes, yes. We dropped him off and like, it was him and, and was it?

Anyway, yes, I do remember what you were talking about. Yeah. They dropped him off in the city somewhere or something. You know what it was? It was, we dropped, no one gives a fuck, by the way.

It was just a different guy that also opened for Joe. It was a guy doing a guest spot, and we dropped him off in Harlem where he lived. Joe, I think, got home either somewhere else, or he came with us because, you know, Astoria. But yes, I remember that gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a pretty deep dive on our past histories on that drive home. Yes, yes, yes. You get those deep dives in those drives home, but the Jehovah thing really still...

slobber knocked me. I don't, you know, it's still is like one of those, like how the fuck did that happen? And, you know, and that's, and also, I mean, there's so many, so many things I want to ask about just the Ulysses Grant thing. How is your family that old? And then when did the Jehovah shit like pop up? And then we haven't even gotten into the fact that we're talking to a hero here. Oh, there's this fucking guy stopped, stopped the assault on the train and,

Yeah. Yeah. And he's got a kid. A lot to talk about with our boy, Doug. And he's a funny guy. I mean, we don't actually let not funny people on this podcast, folks. But with all these, you know, with all the being interesting, being that interesting rarely is a person funny.

You know what I mean? Where they have so many attributes where it's like, you're just like an adventurer. Like maybe it's a little bit of the facial hair, but I could also, in my head, I'm like, Doug could have been like a pirate, a swashbuckler. You know what I mean? That's funny. Because of the scar. Right, right, right. Because of the cool scar. Which, by the way, let's say, already married when he did it. No chance to cash in on all that. Stopped a rape on the subway pussy he was going to get. Never cashed in, man. Yeah.

Which is why you do something good, folks, to cash in on other reasons, not due to integrity. But I guess Jehovah's teachings kicked in right then and there. If I could go back in time, would I go back to the time of swashbuckling or back to 11 years ago? No.

and undo my relationship. Yeah, right before you get on the subway, you ask for a divorce, and then you foil the assault. Yeah. Anyway, dude, sorry to fuck it. I just threw, like, eight different things about you at you without asking a single question. It's a lot. Somebody said to me a couple months ago, like, they were kind of rattling off some of the similar things. They're like, you're basically like a modern-day Forrest Gump. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you, so you, we're talking the whole, because I have a friend, I have a very good friend who like, it's a weird situation where his mom kind of, his dad was very Greek Orthodox. Yeah. And then his mom kind of hid how Jehovah's Witness she was until they were married. Yeah. And then she tried to kind of like sneak some watchtower shit onto them. But, you know, his Greek ass dad like.

started going crazy. He's like, no, you know, that's like devil worship, you know, that kind of shit. So like how in the mix were you? Were you really in there? Were you really? Oh yeah. Were you getting the little fucking ties and everything? Very nice. The clip-on tie, the short sleeve dress shirt. No birthdays. I had glasses when I was about six years old too. So I look like fucking IRS from the WWF.

IRS. Somebody's daughter, they thought they were going to get audited. Yeah, yeah. IRS, by the way, quick tangent, Erwin R. Scheister. Yeah. It was a Jewish character in the WWF.

Not played by a Jewish man, by the way. Just a guy making fun of Jews. He was named IRS Erwin R. Scheister. What a beautiful time for sports entertainment in our country. Still alive, by the way. One of the few wrestlers from the late 80s, early 90s that did not OD in a Holiday Inn somewhere. He's still, yeah, he's still, we looked him up recently. I don't remember when. But, yeah, he's still like,

and you hear something like that, you're like, wow, that must have been like a hundred years ago. And the guy's like, you know, 58. Right. You know what I mean? Like, he's just like a very normal, like that was just like so very recently. Yep. So you're in there, you're, you're. Yeah, man. Little ass kid. I was in it from, yeah, from the time I was born. So my mom, uh, yeah, she converted shortly after my parents got married. Okay. Somebody came to the door. So here's something I didn't find out until recently. So my, some J-dubs, uh,

Nah, fuck it up. We just had a... Someone's doing a package, I guess, but they can suck my dick. I don't think I ordered anything. Okay, so your mom... So, yeah, yeah, hit me with it, dude. So they came to the door while my dad was home. My mom was working at some, like, women's boutique. Okay. Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Ridgefield, Connecticut. Okay, nice. So...

My dad had to come home from work every day to let the dog out. So while he was home for like an hour, they happened to swing by the house, knocked on the door. He answered the door. They gave him the whole pitch about him. And it worked on him? No, he said, this isn't for me, but come back tomorrow when my wife is home. What the fuck? Your dad's like, nah, dude, not my thing. But my dumb ass wife, she's really gullible. She loves dumb bullshit like this.

You want a dim-witted broad. That's insane that he was like, come back. To fall for this one. Yeah. I'm too strong-willed. I got the gal for you, yeah. I have a college education, but my brain-damaged wife might fall for this. Was your mom much younger than your dad, too? Or were they about the same age? No, five years younger and smart, too. They both went to college, both grew up fairly young.

You know, wasps being privileged. You know, not... Jehovah's Witnesses, like, most of their converts are people that are fucking desperate. Of course. Yeah, yeah. It's preaching... Yeah, you're preaching to people who just want a way out. They pray on the mentally ill or, like, recovered drug addicts or people that have had tremendous loss. Your time door-to-door. Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's when you saw someone fucking strung out, you're like... Yeah. Yeah.

Here we go. Doug's time to shine. Oh, your husband just died? Exactly. Oh, your child perished in a tragic hit and run? Well, you know what? Do you want to see him again? Yeah, do you want to see him on your own little planet? That's my favorite part. You guys get little planets like it's Dragon Ball Z. It's like everyone has their own little fucking...

Like, who's that guy, King, who's the guy where they were trained and he had his own little last planet? That's my conception of what Jehovah's Witness promises. It's basically like, isn't heaven like this tiered system where there's like 150, like, six, like, sweets?

Like, if heaven is a hotel, right? Yeah. If you're really fucking good at being a J-dub, they give you your own little planet, almost like a fucking sick hotel suite, right? They've got like a hundred suites with, you know, two rooms and, you know, a bathroom and a fold-out couch and two TVs. Oh, you got it to work. Good job, Elders. This is my favorite thing is hearing people's preconceived notions about J-dubs. Yeah.

And they're often very close, yet very off at the same time. To my understanding, if you're awesome, you get your own planet, and there's a fixed amount of those. But the most hilarious thing about it is when I correct people, it doesn't make any more sense. Right, right, right. Actually, it's 144,000, and it's this planet that is transformed into a paradise.

Where people will live forever. Oh, it's this one. I mean, it's not fucking science fiction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so they just spruce up Earth. Yeah, which is... It's a rehab. So you're telling me heaven is a fucking rehab? I don't even get a new... They just like... They fucking... It's like a gentrified house.

It's like, basically they do to... Flip this house. It's an episode of Flip This House. Yes, yes. It's like when a developer goes to Bed-Stuy and takes an old brick home and turns it into all glass and metal and stucco and shit like that. Just big, big windows. Yep. You know? That's so fucking funny. Yeah. So 144K...

So they believe that Armageddon is near. And they've been saying this since they formed in like the early 1900s. Armageddon is near. They falsely predicted Armageddon coming in 1914. 1914 came and went. They were like, we were off on the math. Wasn't that the flu pandemic?

I think you're right. They could have tried to finesse it a little bit. That's another thing. Not to get off on too much of a tangent, but every sort of...

natural disaster or any sort of political uprising or any sort of world event that's like cataclysmic, they point to that as like, see, the end is near. This is a sign of the times. They must have had a hard on for 9-11. Oh, dude. 9-11, COVID, I'm sure. COVID for sure, yeah. The Trump era, I mean, oh yeah, dude. It's all just fodder for stoking this fear-mongering flame. Let's not try and get COVID in

with 9-11. 9-11 must have been so awesome for them. They're like, it's finally happening. We're going to nuke these fucking... We're going to just completely destroy the Middle East. Then Israel's going to nuke. They're probably in their head. We're like, it's finally... Yes. The funny thing is I left...

six months before 9-11. Wow. And I was in the city. I was going to SVA. It was School of Visual Arts. I was in the city that morning. So when my art teacher got the phone call from his wife, planes hit the World Trade Center. I was like, fuck, it's happening. You were like, God damn it. Yeah. Yeah, it's like quitting the team and then they win the state championship. Yeah.

It's like your senior year, you're like, I don't feel like going to football practice. Yeah. And then they fucking get the state championship, dude. Yeah, they were right after all. But yeah, dude, anytime there was like a, like, you know, if there was like one of those thunderstorms where the sky turns green, you're like looking out the window in class being like, oh shit, all these motherfuckers are going to get nuked. I'm just going to be sitting on a pile of rubble. Yeah.

All my classmates. Yeah, meditating. Perfect. I'll have a Jehovah's Witness energy shield protecting me as the nuclear holocaust happens. Yeah. Yeah. We get to live forever in a paradise, all of us riddled with PTSD by watching everybody obliterated around us. Oh, so the idea is

Whatever happens. It all happens, right? Yeah. So basically it's a reverse rapture. Exactly. Where you stick around. If you're cool, you stick around. If you're cool, you stick around. Exactly. A reverse rapture is the perfect way. Love that. Okay. So they falsely predicted it a bunch of times. 1914, 1975. Yeah.

Then again, in 2000, they kind of jumped on the Y2K thing. And now, thankfully, they've learned their lesson. Now they're just like, it's close. Trust us. It's coming. They don't assign a date to it. But yeah, they basically believe that anybody who's a non-believer, which is 99.9% of the population, when Armageddon comes, will just be fucking obliterated. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Go to hell or just stop existing? Just stop existing. Just dead. That's pretty fair. Yeah, yeah. Not so bad. That's not bad at all. That's kind of what I think. There's a pretty good chance that just happens anyway. Exactly. There might be something, but you know. It's a quick, painless death. Yeah, I like that. That's not so bad. Would you rather pancreatic cancer or a fireball to the head? Fireball right to the...

Is the devil doing this? No, it's Jehovah doing this. Jehovah's doing it. He's giving the human population ample time to see the light and come to his side. And if they fail, if they refuse... Kamehameha! It's all Dragon Ball Z.

God in heaven being like, he's killing every fucking non-Jehovah's Witness with a big ass fireball, the big energy ball he's been saving up. God's been training to destroy all of earth. That's what's taking so long. God isn't at the right power level yet to fucking incinerate us. But he's up there doing pull-ups. We should start a new version of Jehovah's Witness that's kind of a Dragon Ball Z Jehovah's Witness fusion. We would...

clean up, dude. We would fucking clean up. We would have so many anime nerds in our fucking, in our teachings, in our ministry. Dude, the whole time Armageddon's happening, I'm now just going to be picturing Jehovah with like the close zoom on his dewy, trembling eye. Oh. Oh. And that infinity sign smile. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh.

So where are the planets coming? No one gets their own planet. There's no planet. I could have swore someone got their own little planet. I mean, I'm not, I don't fault you for thinking that. So, so he, he nukes pretty much the entire human race except for the, the, so there's 8 million practicing Jehovah's witnesses right now worldwide, which is pretty good numbers. I say they're the most successful doomsday cult by far. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

So these 8 million survivors will basically just be left on this, you know, post-apocalyptic husk of an earth. Does it get a facelift or anything? Yes. It does. Yes. So apparently like over the course of like a thousand, and this is where things get a little bit blurry. I'm still not entirely clear. This is where it gets to be bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes perfect sense up until now. I was on board. Yeah.

Until they spelled this one thing out for me. So basically, like, over the course of a thousand years, there's, like, this cleanup that will happen where the Earth is slowly transformed. That's a long time. I know, and it's like, are we responsible for the cleanup? You know? We're just wearing, like, a reflective vest on the side of the highway. Just picking up trash. Picking up non-believer skulls. Yeah, that sucks. So at that point during the cleanup...

You don't... It's heaven, essentially. So you don't age and you don't feel pain? So, yeah. Basically, the survivors will... When the Earth is transformed... I guess from that point on, yeah. The Earth will be transformed into a paradise. Okay. Where, you know, as Earth was originally created, a paradise Earth where man and beast will live as one in perfect harmony. So you can fuck dogs now. Yeah. You can get pussy from zebras. Yeah. Yeah.

It won't bite you or nothing. Damn, are you not allowed... But then do you have to go vegan? Is it now murder to have a steak? Jehovah's got to think that it's cool you can fuck the cows, but I want ribs every once in a while. Both parties got to be having some sort of pleasure in the process. Okay, all right.

Yeah, I'm assuming, yeah, I think everybody would then be vegan if you're supposed to be, you know. Fuck, that sucks. Maybe part of the thousand years of making it awesome is they really, like, lab-grown meat technology. Or do you get magic? Could you just, like, wave a wand and you have a steak and it was cruelty-free? That could... I mean...

That's the thing. None of this is implausible compared to what I've already told you. I'm telling you, Dragon Ball Z Jehovah's Witness, we're going to make it, dude. We're going to do it. Because I know how heaven's going to go. You can fuck all the animals and you can fucking do a wand and you have any meal you want, but it's not... You didn't harm anyone. Yeah. In fact, maybe you get a steak. How about this? You get a steak if you make a cow cum.

You have to earn your meat by sexually pleasuring whatever animal. Or, you know, maybe not sexual pleasure. Maybe it's like you get them a gift. You know, let's not be crass. There's going to be cow whores, but there's also going to be nice cow, you know, ladies and, you know, like proper cow grandmas. So you get them a little, a little. Some of you may have to court a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just saying you're a good neighbor to your cow. You know, you're like, here's a flower. Right. And then you get granted one steak credit. Yeah.

You have to do a kindness to whatever animal you're going to eat. So we're going to figure this is awesome. I love coming up with a fake religion, dude. This is great. I know. I'm ready to worship a sick god. There's people whose religion is they believe we're a super sophisticated Sims simulation. Right, right, right. I'm like, yeah, bring on that Dragon Ball Z god. I'll be like, well, maybe there is something there. The simulation sucks is what? It's some fat guy playing Sims?

No. I want Dragon Ball Z God. I want the God you think of. Yeah, no incel God. My God gets pussy. In fact, he gets to fuck Bulma. That's canonically part of it. He's not Vegeta, though. He's kind of like Goku and God together, but he fucks Bulma because I find Bulma the hottest in my personal tastes.

I can't wait to come out with a gun. Dude, I love the idea of like, because, you know, going door to door, people are like, I'm Jewish, I'm Buddhist, you know, all these things like deflections, like I can't get on board with this belief system. I would love to have somebody talk to you and be like, this is all cool, but can I eat steak? Yeah.

Let's get down to brass tacks. I would love, dude, we should have fucking, next time you come on, we should bring like a door-to-door guy and he should try and convert me in eldest. We should have like fucking, you're kind of like the referee. You know what I mean? You're kind of like, you know, hey, hey, come on, that's not right. And we kind of have a guy try and like win us over. That would actually be an awesome podcast. We invite a Jehovah's Witness to try and convert us. Oh my God, dude.

That'd be great. Okay. So, yeah, they believe that the Earth will be transformed. Man and beast live as one in perfect harmony forever. And then here's where it gets... Yeah. Here's where it goes off the rails. It gets kooky after that. Yeah.

All Jehovah's Witnesses who have died before Armageddon happened will be resurrected from the dead. But only after it's already rehabbed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which they should put them to work, right? They should be involved in this. You were wrong about 1912 being the apocalypse. And I got to do all this landscaping. I got to install a koi pond in my backyard to up the property value of Earth.

For Jehovah? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So they will be resurrected. And then... So that's another reason they prey on people that have experienced loss. Oh, you got a dead kid? Come to us. You'll get to see him again. You'll be reunited. Yeah. So...

They'll be resurrected, and then 144,000 who have received a divine calling, which, you know, that's just, it's on an honor system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will, rather than be resurrected or rather than be resurrected to live on earth, will ascend to heaven to rule with Jesus over this paradise earth. Oh, wow. Which, again, is a question of, like, if it's a perfect...

Paradise Earth where everybody's perfect. What are you guys doing up there? Yeah, interesting. And how is that a win? You know what I mean? I just imagine them looking down on people on Earth. At a pool, getting pussy from a flamingo. Having just buffalo steak.

Because you helped a buffalo's son learn Spanish or whatever, and now I'm up there looking down? It's fucking bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't sound like a win at all, right? Okay, so that's who I thought got their own planet.

Right. I thought the 144K. They got their own planet. I really did think they got their own planet. That was like a mini Earth that they could just hang out on. They're stuck on this shithole. So, okay. Dragon Ball Z Jehovah, which we start, you get your own planet. There you go. You get your own planet. See, that's much more enticing. That's so cool. I think they need to bring you on board with a governing body. Yeah, because you don't want to have to do a job. I mean, hanging out with Jesus, that's probably cool.

If you believe he exists, you want to meet the guy. Sure. And like down there, they're like, hey, what's he like? It's like, oh, dude, he's actually like one of the most down to earth guys. When you go down to visit every once in a while. You talk about it while you fuck a cow. Yeah.

Yeah, Jesus is awesome. Yeah, he's a really sick dude. A private guy, private guy, but really when you get to know him, funny too, very funny. And just doesn't take it too serious. Doesn't take himself too seriously. Yeah. He lets us have casual Fridays. Yeah.

Yeah, I always wonder about that. Is everyone naked? Do you have a cool tunic? That's why Dragon Ball Z, Jehovah's Witness is kind of taken care of. You get to choose whatever clothes you like from Dragon Ball Z. There you go. You could be dressed in the traditional orange Goku suit. You could be wearing what Saiyans wear. You could wear what regular humans in DBC background care. That little Google Glass thing. Yeah, the tracker thing.

His power level. I forget what it's called. Scanner. The scanner. Everybody that's resurrected has that spiky Sonic hair. Yeah, you can have that hair if you want for sure. A lot of options with Dragon Ball Z Jehovah's Witness, which we have just started.

We'll talk to my little brother and see if we can fold that into the Church of the Earthly Dagger. My brother's in the middle of starting his own. He might be having a mental health crisis. Is this the artist? Yeah, we're not exactly sure. Dude, I love his stuff. It's awesome. Thanks, dude. Hey, come to Baltimore and go to the exhibition. Bring the family.

We're putting on a big show in a couple weeks. But, yeah, no, his stuff's awesome. But, yeah, he started talking about being God's earthly dagger. He started talking about that. So we'll see. Makes about as much sense as Joel's witness indoctrination. Let's see if we can fold that all in. If this could be what the Church of the Earthly Dagger is, Eldis. I think we could squeeze it all in. Yeah.

I think we can find a way to explain it, dress it up real nice. Hell yeah, dude. So you were out there. So that's fascinating. So before your mom, not even your mom got convinced, but your dad, while letting the dog out, was like...

Just come back tomorrow. That's also fascinating. What did your dad believe? Was he just a... He was raised Protestant. My mom was raised Episcopalian. So both, you know, sects of Christianity. Doesn't mean anything to me. I hate how there's 100 different... I know, right? It's like, who gives a fuck? Yeah, what's the fucking difference? And all the differences are so...

So I'm Greek Orthodox. We're both Orthodox. And Orthodox and Catholic, there was some split like, you know, whatever, a thousand years ago about such bullshit. It's like our creed is a little different. One of us believes that

One of us believes that it's literally his body and blood, and one of us believes that it's symbolically, which is like, he'll stare. And it might be us. I don't remember who thinks it's literal. I think it might be us. I feel like the Catholics have to think it's literal. Well, no, no. I think we do because we still drink the wine and shit. All they do is a little fucking bitch ass wafer.

Although, who knows? Catholics are stupider than us. They dip it in the wine, I think. Do they? Yeah, I think. They dip it in the wine? Don't they? Isn't that the movie? He doesn't fucking know. He should always witness Episcopalian. He doesn't know what the fuck they do. I wish this was an Oreo. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, whatever. But yeah, I don't know. The Episcopalian and Protestant, I have no idea what that could possibly, you know. Protestant, I guess, is not Catholic. Yeah. It's the freshest not Catholic. Right, right. And then there's all the fucking weird American ones where they're talking in tongues and shit.

Which I don't know what the fuck you would even classify that bullshit as. That's even stupider than Jehovah's Witness somehow. Yeah. He's like, head a little way. Dude, those are my favorite videos. Yeah.

I will remove the devil from you. And a guy in a wheelchair falls out of the wheelchair and stands up. So much. You get why that existed when you're like, oh, yeah, they didn't even have radios for those people. Yeah. So, yeah, let's go see something. I'm fucking bored. And they're just being entertained.

And they think that's God. They're like, oh, this is pretty fucking fun and interesting. This is so much better than just sitting in the fucking barn or whatever the fuck. And they think that's fucking... Like, I saw a TikTok one time where some... I don't remember who it was, a girl or a gay guy was talking about how they thought they... They're interchangeable. Yeah, well...

For the purposes of this, they are because they were talking about how they loved praise music and things like that and they loved the gospel and then they went to a One Direction concert and they're like, oh, I just love concerts. God is fucking stupid. And I think so much of that happened with all the... Especially preachers that were basically somewhere between stand-up comics and singers and shit like that. You were just fucking poor and broke and had nothing to do and it was...

a pretty eventful entertaining afternoon when they're just like, the devil comes out of you. A couple of them probably had parlor tricks that were almost like vaudeville and magician shit where they probably looked like they were floating and shit. Yeah, dude. All comics, if we were simply believers, could have gone that route. Easily. And we will. The Church of Jehovah Goku. The Church of Goku Jehovah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so Dan. I might go back. But that's how much my dad just deferred to my mom. You know what I mean? That's how much it was like, whatever she says. Really, really? So he was in there too once. It wasn't like a thing of like... So he was like, my wife will really be into this. They come back. Yeah.

Your mom's like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah. And the whole family from then on is just Jehovah's Witness? So, yeah. I mean, I think, I imagine that she probably, I've kind of,

Come to this realization since having a kid of my own. Because when you have a kid, it's like your heart is on the outside of your body. It's terrifying that anything horrible could happen at any given moment. Yes, every moment you're like, ugh. You're so desperate to protect them. I honestly think that she probably heard about this as fucking bonkers as it is for an educated woman to...

To be like, yeah, okay, this makes sense. I think she thought, like, all right, this is like a cheat code on life. Like, guys, I found the secret. You just do this, you'll be fine. You'll be saved. So interesting. Even if you die, you'll be resurrected. Yeah. Like, there's, you know...

Ultimately, you'll be fine as long as you are a believer. That's an indictment on having children, if I've ever heard one. It's like, yeah, this woman who's intelligent had kids and was so worried she believed one of the most clearly bullshit of a ton of very bullshit religions. Having children scrambles your brain so much that my mother thought this was the right move. Yeah. That's so fucking funny. That's what those 90s anti-drug campaigns should have been. This is your brain on the watchtower. Stop.

But I mean, I get it. Sometimes it just hits you when you're looking for meaning at just the right moment. Yeah. And it's like, what is different about... Really, if we really break it down, is there anything different from what they're promising that every single fucking religion? Not really. It's all the same shit. It's basically like that joke about like, you know, it's like Taco Bell where it's like...

Whether it's a quesadilla, a taco, a burrito, it's all the same shit and slightly different wrapping. That's what every religion is. It's Mexican food. It's like enchiladas, quesadillas, whatever the fuck it is. So, you know, not to shit on the J-dubs too much. Shout out to Jehovah. I think all religions dumb as fuck. It's not just you guys. But yeah, it is interesting to... Jehovah's Witnesses you typically think of as like

black Mormons. You know what I mean? Like, you just think of it as like, because it's both the little tie and the white shirt. And then usually the Mormons are the little, you know, the little white boys. But you were one of those for... Yep. I got confused for Mormon all the time. Yeah.

And people are much friendlier to Mormons. Interesting. Because I think Mormons take no for an answer. Right. They just smile. Are you a Mormon? No, Jehovah's Witness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like revulsion. Well, Mormons are... And Utah, I've been to Utah a couple times. They're so insanely polite there, it's fucked up. So I guess I could see that. Whereas like...

I mean, not that I knew any really rude Jehovah's Witnesses, but like, honestly, the Jehovah's Witnesses I knew were just like kind of kept to themselves, kids and like kids I grew up with who like wouldn't, they just could not do anything. Like when the holiday party came around, they're like, sorry, no holidays. Go sit in the library by yourself. Because you're not allowed to praise anything but Jehovah. Yep. And so how old were you when this happened? I was...

So my parents had me very late. So my siblings were 18, 16, and 14 when I was born. Oh, my. Okay. So they were all already like, this is bullshit. We're over this. So this happened during their lifetime, but you were born into it, basically. Yes.

Dude, how old was your oldest sibling when it happened? Do you know when they converted? I think they converted when he was still a toddler. Maybe he was like two or three. I think they had just adopted my oldest brother. So interesting, dude. What the fuck? And we're like, okay, we really want to protect this kid and ensure a safe future for our family. That is so fucking stupid. That is so fucking dumb. And the rest of my family ridiculed my mom nonstop.

non-stop yeah i mean imagine if like one of our like yeah dude imagine if like nick my brother nick who's just like you know yeah just a very you know smart guy runs a business like if he was like after he had a kid if he was like yeah i'm jehovah's now yeah that would we would never stop mocking him for the rest of our lives right yeah it became like an ongoing so my mom's uh

The whole family lived up in New Hampshire. Her dad had a dairy farm and her sister and brother lived up there. Every time we went up there, it was like an intervention. It was like, Joan, what are you doing? You're ruining this kid's life. And I was like, I'm making good points.

God damn, that's so fucking funny. Yeah. That is... Go ahead. Sorry, so when you were like a kid or growing up or whatever, were you like, this is fucking bullshit all the way? Did you grow out of it? Like...

I mean, I thought it was... That's the thing. Like, you don't realize how insane it is until you go to school and you realize how other people are living. Right. And also, like, as a kid, although, like, you've seen their publications, right? You've seen their tracks, right? That depicts the paradise with, like, kids frolicking around in a field with a lion. It does look sick. I will say that is... To a kid? Oh, sure. To a kid, like, I remember as a kid...

Picking it up a couple times. Yeah. Picking up a watchtower and being like, this looks like a fuck. Because again, we did grow up in a weird time right before internet. We don't have phones. Yeah. We don't have shit. So it's like, I remember I would see them in like,

They would put them out in, like, libraries. They would put them out just, like, random places. And it's, like, that was in the, like, magazine era. Highlights magazine. Yeah, yeah. Disney magazine. All that shit that a little kid would do to, like, kill time. And I picked up a Watchtower multiple times because not only do they have the cool Paradise one, but they had the, like...

oh, it's happening, Armageddon one that looked like an action movie. And it had the fucking big lightning bolt. It's like a death metal album cover. Yeah, dude, big lightning bolt with a watchtower like ominous in the background. And I was like, whoa, this is fucking sick. And multiple times my mom was like, put that down. We believe in Jesus. You know, like multiple times my mom, literally the disdain

And my mom was not, my mom was a very incredibly liberal and like left person for being like a Greek immigrant. Like my mom was very, you know, not just like economically, but culturally very like accepting of everyone when that was not how most people were. But when it came to like, for whatever reason, Jehovah's Witness and like just strangely like the religious part of like, she wasn't crazy practicing religious, but it was like this thing where she was like, ah, she was like,

Like, oh my God, disgusted by the idea that I would be interested in any of that. It was so fucking funny. But yeah, they knew what they were doing with the branding of the watchtower. So you would find them in the library? I saw them. I don't remember where the fuck I would see them. I mean, that's not crazy. I think the public library, because we would go to the public library a lot to kind of kill time. My mom would leave us there sometimes. And you know, you just like...

We would... If you couldn't get on the computer to play Streganona or fucking, you know...

What were the good games on the computer? Strega Nona, who in the world is Carmen Sandiego? And then you read a book for a half hour and you're like, this is fucking boring. You would just start wandering around. And yeah, I found them at the library, the Enoch Pratt Free Library and somewhere else. I just remember seeing and now I see them and now it'll happen to me as an adult where they have them in like my laundromat.

And it'll catch my eye. And I'm like, damn. Leave him his bait. Dude, I remember going to the local bookstore in Ridgefield with my mom and having her be like, I'm just going to leave this on the shelf here. Leaving a wash down on the shelf. And be like, whatever fucking poor teenage sap that works here is like an after school job is going to find that and be like, why isn't this on the inventory list? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are we supposed to have more of these? Yeah, you don't know that it's supposed to be. And Watchtower is so, it's good. And look, Jehovah's a good name. This one says Zion's Watchtower. Just powerful stuff. Sounds cool. All that shit sounds cool. I'm able to now objectively look at this stuff and be like, all right, yeah, that's pretty badass. Are they still, are your parents dead? Are they still? So my mom, yeah, my mom died when I was 17. Okay. And that was my out. Yeah.

Dude, your dad's like, all right, well, this is tragic, but at least no more fucking Jehovah's Witness shit. That's so funny that it just straight the second your mom's gone, everyone's like, all right. That's enough of this. Holy shit, dude. Dad, that's fucking wild. Did you have any successful... I had nothing to do with this. Did you have any successful conversions when you were going door to door?

No, I had people that were when I was really young that would take the literature just to be nice. You know, just like I'm not going to slam the door in a cute little kid's face. But they had you out there working since you were like seven. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking child labor. Yeah. And dude, summers were brutal because like in the summer, you know,

So during the school year, like you said, all the J-dubs that you knew, like keep a low profile. Low profile. Didn't even know until it was like... You wouldn't even know until they didn't want to be involved in like the Christmas pageant or the something. You're like, hey, why isn't she singing? Yeah. And she was a good... I remember one girl was a good singer. You think she's suddenly like this fucking anarchist badass? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's this one little girl who was like so shy and like really nice. And I don't remember how we even caught like...

She would just sing sometimes at like, and you could tell she wanted to sing at the Christmas like,

so bad. All these shitty singers and she was like, I can't, you know, and just like took it. I remember being like more mad for her than she was but at the same time I was like more fucking shine for me. I was ready to tear down the Christmas pageant, you know, with my pipes. I used to think I could sing when I was a little kid. I wanted to be a singer. Just a fat little five-year-old that's like...

That's cool that you say that, though, because like my biggest fear in school was telling people that I was Jehovah's Witness and getting outed and getting mercilessly bullied for it. So I kept a very low profile. Like, you know, I would go to the library when there was a birthday celebration. I couldn't go to school dances, couldn't play sports after school because you're not allowed to hang out with anybody that's not Jehovah's Witness. Oh, you couldn't play sports? No. Wow.

So like a lot of Jehovah's Witnesses are homeschooled, which is smart because if you really want to keep them in that bubble, once they go to school, that's where everything opens up to them. And they're like, oh my God, these kids are actually enjoying life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're having cupcakes and shit. You know, I remember always feeling bad because it was like,

they can't have a cupcake for the birthday. Yeah. I remember being like, what the fuck is this? Like, for whatever, maybe that's, and don't get me wrong, I was also a bully as a child. But that was the one, like, I'm not trying to say I'm some fucking. I was off limits. I don't, but for whatever reason, I just, it was such a tangible thing where it was like, and most of the time they were so bummed, you could see, they just wanted to be little kids. Yeah. But, yeah. Yeah, dude, I would have kids, like, save me, like, a little, even, like, save me just like the rapper. Yeah.

And I would get back to class and just suck the crumbs out of the wrapper. Well, especially for you because it's like no one is, I'm guessing no one's Jehovah's Witness in fucking Connecticut. Yeah, I was the only one, dude. I was the only one.

And we haven't even gotten into the fact that, yeah, your fucking siblings are so much older than you. That's also fucking weird. And they're not Jehovah's Witness probably, right? They were very... You know, as long as they were living at home, they kind of had to identify as such and go through the motions. But they had one foot out the door as soon as they could, you know? Like, because it was...

That's the thing. If you come to it on your own, great. Like if my mom wanted to practice on her own, fine. But to like force a kid into that, when they don't feel like they're missing something from their life, it's so fucked up. What if your son was like, Dad, I just picked up this awesome book.

What if it's just he has your mom's dumb jeans? He's like, he comes to you one day, he's 12. He's like, I was at a bookstore. I found this book that I didn't have, that someone had left there, and I decided to read it. Yeah. Dad, have you really cared about my future? Yeah.

You would let me die as opposed to get a blood transfusion so that I could be resurrected. That's another weird one. I remember that one. That was so fucking weird. Yeah, dude. So I had to carry around one of those no blood cards. Wow. My first day of school. Insane. A legally binding document. That's fucking crazy. Signed by both my parents.

Like, yeah, it'd be very easy to save his life, but don't. Don't do it. Yeah. No, he's not. He's completely not allowed to be in the 144K if he gets that. Goddamn, dude. So, like, but all that literature, all those pamphlets, all those illustrations, to a kid, that's enticing. They look cool. Like, I remember looking at that as a kid and being like, yeah, frolicking around a field with a lion, that looks fucking badass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you hit your teen years and you just want to fuck. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. And you're like, unless that lion gives head, I'm out. Yeah, and it might, though. In Goku's Jehovah, he does. The lion gives head.

Yeah, no, that's absolutely. I mean, yeah, I guess teen is when it all starts. Yeah. It all starts. And I would assume... That's a real test. I assume there's very... You're not allowed to get pussy in Jehovah's Witness. Like, you're not allowed to in any other... No. No. Nothing that can lead to premarital sex. That's why a lot of Jehovah's Witnesses get married when they're like, dude...

Yeah, it's a similar Mormon thing where it's like they get married at 18 and have like four kids. Yeah. And before they know it, you know. Yeah, it's sad, dude. That is so interesting. What do you... Are you... Because you got a kid, he's like, what, eight now we were talking? Yeah. What are you thinking in terms of like...

is your wife any kind of religion? No. She's Jewish. She went to Hebrew school for a few years, hated it, left. She was not practicing at all. But we lean into that for him just for the holidays. I live vicariously through him now. It's like Christmas and Hanukkah. Let's fucking do it, man. Live it up.

Oh, okay. So he gets all the holidays you didn't get? Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. And he has no interest in sports or after school activities. Hilarious. And I'm like, but you can! So fucking do it! Yeah.

You know? Yeah. And unfortunately, like, I have, like, weaponized the whole going door-to-door shit. Like, if he's, like, bored on the weekend, he's like, I don't have any friends around. What am I going to do today? I was like, does this suck? Is this not acceptable? Just be hanging out at home? You want to go fucking knocking on doors with me? Yeah.

Put the clip on tie on. Put the clip on tie on. 40 minutes of going door to door until you fucking are happy to be home playing your Switch, you ungrateful piece of shit. That's so fucking funny, dude.

So yeah, I wonder about that because it's like, so he just gets to believe whatever the fuck he wants. You don't care. No. No one's religious in the family. But like he was bummed today because he's in camp right now. He's at this awesome day camp. He's an amazing artist. He's an amazing fine artist. Hell yeah. And he's going to this art camp where it's all art classes all day long. And he was bummed today when I dropped him off because his two buddies that have been with him this whole time are not in camp this week. And he was like, this is going to suck. It's going to be so boring. Yeah. Yeah.

And again, I was like, don't fucking threaten him with going door to door. Don't do it. Yeah, don't tell him how much worse it could be. But like, yeah, if I was to...

If I was to suddenly... You know, I was born into it, so I didn't know any difference. Right. I never celebrated Christmas. Right, right, right. But if I was to tell him, like, hey, man, starting tomorrow, no birthdays, no Christmas, no hanging out... All your friends, they're not Jehovah's Witnesses. You can't hang out with any of them anymore. Damn, so you don't even have friends. This is how your weekends are going to be spent. Yeah. He would be fucking suicidal. Yeah, yeah.

What I was trying to say earlier was like, he was complaining about camp today. Right. Which is like, it's so hard for me not to be like, dude, you have no idea how good you have it. Oh yeah. Because during the summer, my mom made me one month of the summer. I had to choose to,

to uh to do auxiliary pioneering that's a term they use which i had to spend i had to spend 60 hours in one month going door to door oh my 60 hours 60 hours yeah jesus i was out every day for a couple hours in the summer yep praying that my my i was not like you know knocking on my like my bus route or something of course of course of course

Nothing worse than seeing somebody you know. Yeah, dude. So like most kids, thank God, took pity on me and didn't make fun of me. Yeah. But the title of the podcast, Jehovah Boy, comes from this one kid who answered the door. I was like, what the fuck are you doing here? And then the next day on the bus in front of everybody, it was like. Oh, no.

Like, wasn't even looking at me. He was like, Doug, wasn't it crazy when you were at my door yesterday? Oh, no. And I was like, shut the look, man. I was like, fucking Jehovah boy over here trying to convert me. Yeah, that's fucking brutal. Yeah. But, yeah, it's interesting. I mean, it is so interesting to think about.

The difference between your, like, you'll just, everyone ends up being, now anyway, this is a pretty modern phenomenon. It didn't used to be this way, but everyone pretty much, everyone ends up being a completely different person than their kid. Yeah. It's like, and this is a very modern thing where it's like, you go to Greece, you go to my family up until two generations ago.

Everyone was pretty similar, you know what I mean? Or at least you got like three or four generations of similar before some kind of shift happened. But it's just like now, it's like, yeah, you're... I mean, you had a bizarre... There's no way you could raise a kid like you. You know what I mean? It's one thing to be Jehovah's Witnesses, the other thing to be a weird...

Connecticut convert because your mom had a kind of went insane after having kids after adopting kids it wasn't you can't even blame it on chemicals exactly she adopted her first kids right are you the only are you the only non-adopted kid in your family you have two two and two four total two and two okay but you so yeah so maybe it was a bit chemical whatever but still it's like but still it's just so interesting how different your experiences are than like

a Brooklyn little artist. You know what I mean? Like a kid who gets to actually, and not just had a couple art programs here or there, but like you're putting him in art camp. He doesn't have any interest in like sports or any, it's just, yeah, I don't know. Do you ever think about like, it's just that always interests me because I'm like, if I ever to have kids or like, you know, like we grew up fucking poor when we were little and it's like,

Automatically, if we have kids, their lives are better than our lives were. Automatically, we don't have to do anything. We've been to therapy. Our dad's hilarious. The idea that they would even consider for one second what impact they were having on their children emotionally. That they would even think about it, let alone analyze that, right? And it's just like, I don't know. You actually have... For me, it's all theory. But you actually have a kid. Is that interesting? I don't know. Because he is different. He is like...

And you don't want to... I guess that's a form of bullying is telling him how good he has it. You know what I mean? Yeah, and it's really hard not to. Yeah. He doesn't know what to compare it to. Yeah. You know, he didn't live that way. Of course. But even... Yeah, even outside of Jehovah's Witness shit, like growing up here as opposed to rural Connecticut. Yes. You know, like I remember...

it was, it was just all rich white kids, you know? And like his first day of kindergarten, I remember him telling me about, Oh, I met this kid today. Michael, Michael, Michael's my new friend. Tell me about this kid, Michael all week long. Yeah. And then finally, you know, finally on Friday, I picked him up from school and he's like, bye Michael. And I finally see Michael for the first time. And in my head, I'm thinking, Michael's black. Oh, my kids are good guys. Oh,

Oh, my kid's not racist. Oh, thank God. No, that, yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you not lead with that? That was, he doesn't even know, he doesn't even know it's impressive that his first friend in school's black. Yeah, I mean, there is the, there's definitely the positives, right, of like, yeah, each generation, especially here, you get less racist and you get less like, you know, uh,

It really is the... Yeah, you're almost like... It's such a... You're creating such a like... Like... Accepting...

nice kid that, um, he's not, you're some tough guy, but you almost feel like the, it's like the 1950s dad versus the rock and roll son. Yes. Where it's like, that's how nice your kid is that it makes you look like a tough guy. Oh yeah. Even though you're not, you know what I mean? Like you're just, you're also pretty sensitive, artistic guy, but like compared to like, by comparison, Brooklyn, like kid who has an easel at age four, you know, you're, you know, you might as well be, uh,

The fuck it. The honeymooners. You might as well be hitting your wife. Yeah. Yeah. Because my dad, like, grew up, you know, kind of like a farm kid. Mm-hmm. Gun-toting, conservative. Yeah. Racist. Yeah. Like. He says, Grant's great, great, great, great, great, great grandson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So I thought that was all normal to me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was cool. Yeah. Like, holing up in the basement, listening to conservative talk radio. Yeah.

Making your own bullets? That's totally normal. Making your own bullets! That's funny. Don't even trust the liberal bullets. Don't even trust the mass-made bullets.

God forbid there's a misfire. Turn you queer. Oh, okay, okay. I see what's going on here. Your dad was like that, and QAnon didn't exist. Oh, Jesus, yes. So your mom would have been Q to the max if they caught her right now. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, that makes a lot of sense. Okay. I wonder how many Republicans that are Q now would have gone to some kind of cult-y type thing back then. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point, sure. They were just less...

for it. Door-to-door makes a little more sense now because if the internet didn't exist, you could make a killing going door-to-door QAnon at trailer parks and like the shittiest white suburbs, the white flight suburbs that are somehow worse off than the cities they left. Every city has one of those. You could make a killing, but now we have the internet. The inner city's like, you guys do too many drugs. Yeah.

No, truly. I mean, we have one of those in fucking Baltimore. Where the fuck did my phone go? It's right down there. Shut up, Eldish. But yeah, dude, by comparison, even though I'm such a far cry from my dad. Fuck you, dude. I caught my phone in the microphone. Something bit me.

Shut the fuck up. Don't you dare. Don't you dare use the laugh track. I was just, wow. How long is the first segment? Because I feel like I could talk to Doug for two hours about this shit. We're at 57 right now. Okay, let's switch. All I was trying to do was check the time, folks. But, you know, God forbid my producer understand what I was going for.

Maybe give me some kind of warning. You guys are having a great time talking about this, but maybe... Anyway, you got to come back, Doug, because we've barely scratched the surface. Thanks, guys. But why don't we take... You have a very...

Your perspective is very... I don't think we've had anybody with this kind of background. Yeah. So I think you're going to be very useful when we solve our friends' problems here. So, Ellis, why don't you play a nice little fucking call for me and my friend Doug here. Hey, Stav. Eric here. I think you and Elvis rock. Thanks, dude. Love the podcast. So I've been married for 16 years to an awesome woman. I got three kids.

She's got that awesome, fat ass, white girl ass. Love it. Pussy's awesome too. Amazing. Here's the thing. We grew up really conservative. Here we go. And yeah, we're still conservative in some ways. But I mean, honestly, we're different people now. But here's the thing, man. Never been to a strip club. Okay. So like I said, 16 years in a marriage. It's been great.

And, you know, so I'm just looking for some ways to maybe bring this up. Because here's the thing, I'm not going to be a douchebag and go there behind her back. Behind her back. And just from talking with friends and whatnot, honestly, I guess it's something couples do. I mean, hell, I'll go there together. I mean, I'll go there, I'll go to a maelstrom club or whatever with her, you know.

Very interesting question here. Very, very interesting. He clearly loves his wife.

He doesn't want to. It's almost cute. This question is almost like adorable. Yeah. Where it's like, oh, geez, I really want to go to a strip club. It's a little sophomoric, right? I just want to see some boobies that aren't yours. Yeah. I don't want to go behind my wife's back. So he wants to go with her, it sounds like, right? No, he wants to basically know how to broach.

Asking her for permission to go. But he also said something about I hear couples go. He said I hear some couples might go to a strip club together. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I mean, this is kind of easy as fuck.

You can't make it seem like it's your idea, right? It's the boys are going out. It's somebody's birthday, right? Like you have to like create a fake scenario where... Make some strip club pamphlets on the countertop, Jehovah's Witness style. Oh, what's this? Yeah, what the hell? Tits. Just a pamphlet with tits on it. Just a picture of tits. Whoa. Very interesting. Yeah.

Yeah, here's the easiest way I would do is I get, you know, someone, it's someone's bachelor party, it's someone's something, somebody's birthday, and he's like, hey, the fellas are all going to, you know, I just want to let you know, you know, just part of it. Because you're not going to a fucking brothel. This guy also maybe doesn't know that you don't get to fuck the strippers. Right, right. Because he sounds really nervous.

You're just looking at tits. You're throwing them a little money. Maybe you're getting a lap dance. He should go there with like $100 cash, leave all his credit cards at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This man is liable to go crazy at his first sight of some not-his-wife pussy in real life. But yeah, dude, I think that is... I mean, the fact that you're willing to go to a male strip club, you're ready to go to Magic Mike, is so fucking funny. Yeah.

That's how bad you want to see tits. You're like, look, I'll look at a cock. Yeah. Some well-developed pecs will do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll watch a bunch of old ladies get wet if it means I can go to a fucking strip club. So, yeah, dude, I would suggest you find some kind of, like, group outing that you could go to a strip club for the first time and...

And, you know, it's easy. And then if you want to go with her, you can be like, hey, you know, it was a pretty fun time. Maybe we should check it out together. Yeah. That could be fun. I could see that actually being legitimately pretty fun for a couple to do. So I think that's your way in. You ease in with a, you're like, look, I'm being dragged to this thing. Yeah, exactly. Make it sound like he doesn't even want to go there. I'm just trying to be a good buddy. I'm just trying to be a supportive buddy. That would be my top pick. Right, right, right, right.

Have you ever gone to a strip club with your wife? No, I have never. I've not been to a strip club in, Jesus, probably 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ever with a girl, though? No. I always felt that was never really my thing. Just sitting there with your dude, just rock hard. I honestly don't... It's like...

I really would rather, like, it's just, I just have to look at these hot women and not fuck them. It's torturous. It is, yeah. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Now, if you were allowed to negotiate fucking them, perhaps I would be more interested in this kind of service. And I'm willing to spend the, you know, fair market price, of course. But I got to just fucking not.

It's like bringing a kid to a petting zoo and tying their hands behind their back. Don't touch the lamb. Wouldn't you love to be friends with this llama? Wouldn't you love for this llama to spit in your mouth? Yeah, dude. But yeah, I think that's your way in. I think you're good. And I think I love what you guys got going there. It seems like you got a really cute relationship. We're rooting for you, pal. Here's another one. Big L Dunce.

Hey, Stav. Hey, Alyssa. Big fan of the show. Been listening to it ever since it came out. Oh, man. Thank you, brother. I have a bit of a conundrum lately. So this girl that I was hooking up with for a while found out through social media recently that she's pregnant. She's having a kid. What?

And like she's with her boyfriend and everything like, uh, they're together. They're getting married. I think they're engaged. Um, and,

But, like, I didn't even know she was in a relationship, and, like, I didn't really pay attention to her social media or anything like that. I looked through the timeline, and it sure looks like, to me, at least, that she and this guy were together while me and her were still hooking up. Now, I'm not this kid's father. I know that for sure. Okay, then who gives a fuck? The timeline doesn't work out there, but...

Pause this. What the fuck is wrong with you, man? What the fuck is wrong with you? A woman is nice enough to give you some pussy, and it sounds like she let you raw dog because you had to do some math to make sure. It sounds like you were dumping loads inside this lady.

And you had to do the math to figure out you're not this kid's dad. And you want to go blow her spot up? By the way, you don't know what the fuck was going on with them. You don't know what kind of weird fucking white trash, you know, a white trash open relationship, which means they both cheat on each other, thing they got going on. Like,

This is crazy. Like, you can't. This is insane to fucking... I'm a little confused, though. What is this part? I should try to reach out to the student? What's student? No, no, that's the dude. For the folks at home, we have Google transcription that's sometimes not... To the dude? Should I try and reach out to this dude? All right. Or do I just leave it alone? Yeah, play the rest of it before I go in on this guy. Or do I... Do I, like...

Just leave it alone for the sake of the kids, like having a healthy family life. How about the sake of you not being a bitch? He's doing really bad. Anyway, I really appreciate the advice. Thank you.

What the fuck is going on here? You fucked this bitch four times. You think you have to get... You feel bad not saying something? You should feel bad getting in and fucking your whole shit up. You don't feel bad about that? These people, you have... This is the kind of guy who raises his hands like, teacher, you forgot to give us homework. Yeah, yeah. Teacher, I fucked your wife's pussy.

When you may or may not have been cool with that. When it may or may not have been your business. And I'm barely in this woman's life. Dude, I don't give a fuck about any of this. First of all, you shouldn't be checking up on her social media. That's fucking weird. And you're going through the timeline. You're like, I looked through the timelines.

And this guy might have been together. You don't fucking know what they had going on. Mind your own business. This is fucking snitch behavior. We do not condone snitching. It does not affect your life whatsoever. This is in the past for you. Would you, you don't think, let's, you don't even know she's done anything bad, right? You don't know for a fact. You don't know. Were they on again, off again? Was he cheating on her? Were you a rebound? Like, you don't know the context at all.

And also, let's say she cheated on this fucking guy. Let's say she, you know, you guys hooked up, clearly didn't go anywhere. Let's say your dick was, maybe your dick was so bad it led her back to her ex. And you actually created this family, right? So you never know. You might have done something good. But let's say she made a mistake, cheated on this guy, and then realized, holy fuck, I should be with him. I'm a fucking asshole. I want to start a family together. I'm so in.

And out of nowhere, because you're bored and we're going through your Instagram stories one day, you ruin her whole fucking life and his fucking life. He doesn't. He first of all, if you have gotten cheated on and it's a one time thing and no one's ever going to be the wiser. Would you like to know about that? Because I fucking wouldn't. I would like to let sleep. I would like to let sleeping dogs lie. OK.

Okay? You're being a fucking busybody snitch cocksucker. Enjoy the pussy. Be grateful for the pussy you got. And don't go... You don't know the context at all. And even if she's a piece of shit...

Why you got to stir stuff up, man? Yeah, he should feel like a fucking champion that she was willing to possibly throw her life away for his snitch ass. There you go, dude. Take it as a compliment and move on. And in general, guys, don't get involved when you don't need to fucking get involved. One of life's most classic lessons. Stay the fuck. Mind your own business. Don't snitch. If someone's not fucking with you actively, don't start up a fucking shit. Oh, you feel bad. No, you don't.

If she had told you, I have a boyfriend, your dick's about to hit her pussy, she's like, I have a boyfriend, would you have stopped? If you would have, then you at least have a case. But I know you wouldn't have, because you didn't use a condom. So you weren't thinking clearly about how you were fucking anyway. So shut up. It's easy to feel bad now. Would you have felt as bad right when your dick... That's the ultimate test, by the way, if you ever want to say something. Would you have felt that bad when your dick's moments from breaching her pussy...

And if you wouldn't have, then you have no case. Okay? Also, you got to anticipate revenge, too. If he blows up her spot. You know? Exactly. She could be fucking, she could be a psychopath. Yeah, what do you think she's going to be like? Well, that was fair. I was cheating. Yeah.

You ruined my life, but I'm not going to act in any other way. That's a great point, Doug. You could completely start a chain reaction. By the way, you would deserve whatever was coming to you. Even if you wouldn't deserve it, it would make so much sense that you would get something coming your way. So you're being a fucking asshole, dude. He might be checking his rear view for the rest of his life. Yes.

Yeah, this woman might kill you. I also love that he's taking the moral stance on such flimsy back-of-napkin math. Like, whoa, whoa, this pic of them was like, wasn't that around this time? But I love how he's like, the kid's definitely not mine. You know, he fucking, like, really did the math. Oh, yeah, yeah. And listen, I've had to do some of that math myself. Back in the raw-dogging Baltimore days, I had a panic attack when somebody, you know,

said she was having a kid and didn't post to dad and I was like, ah. But I was clear, thank the Lord. But yeah, dude, you're a fucking asshole for even considering this and I hope you're adequately and thoroughly shamed after hearing this response. God damn, dude.

Reeks? Oh, no.

Not necessarily the worst thing. Not the worst thing. Like my weird primal instincts are kind of into it, but it is pretty overpowering and kind of gnarly sometimes. Gnarly. So my question to you is how do I nicely bring it up without being like a dick? All right. Thanks so much. I love you. You're the best. Bye. Anytime an adjective can apply to a pussy and a very large wave, that's a big problem.

Gnarly pussy. Bringing up some Mad Men roleplay. Yeah. I tell you, these dames with their stinky cooters. Yeah, is there an episode where Don Draper is advertising douches? You should just be like, this is a really interesting scene and rewind it over and over again until she gets the hint. This is a tough one. Thank God I've never been put in this position. I don't really know how I'd handle it. This is a tough one.

Yeah. I haven't either. I did go down on a girl after she was a rich older woman who took me out to a steak dinner. Wow.

And I did not realize until I went down on her that we had asparagus that night. Have you ever gone down on a girl after an asparagus tea? I'm assuming it stings. Dude, I almost threw up on her stomach. Damn, Rich Holder woman take you out for a steak dinner. That's my boy. Yeah, right? How'd you swing that? She was nuts. She was just nuts.

nuts photographer that I met at like a gay bar I think she was gay but she was like rebounding she had just left her husband and she was rebounding I think she was gay but still kind of not really kind of on the fence yeah you were at a gay bar hanging out

Yeah, I had a female friend that bartended there. So I went and just hung out with her and met this woman. That's pretty sick, dude. You got a little pussy at the gay bar. Yeah, right. Did you ever get sucked up by a guy at the gay bar? No. No? Hey, you never know. But I would have preferred that, I think. To the asparagus pussy? Yeah. I think asparagus...

If I'm remembering what asparagus... And, you know, I'm an asparagus fan myself. I only know it from my own piss, not licking a pussy that's recently had asparagus. But I feel like an asparagus is better than whatever he's describing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least you know the reason behind that. You know the reason behind it. You just gotta power through it. Talk about doing the math. Ah, dude. This is, uh...

Well, I've been hooking up with this girl for a while now. It can't be that big of a problem. Also, like... On the couch is hysterical. This bitch has stink lines coming off her pussy like garbage in a Looney Tunes cartoon. Just green waves. He reaches down her pant and he pulls out a fish skeleton. Yeah.

Heathcliff. Yeah, his eyebrows singe off when she takes her panties off. Pretty overpowering is fucking wild. Yeah, man, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you here. Is it like stink?

Does it feel unhealthy? Or is it possible that some... You meet people who have bad BO. You meet people that just like... Fucking... And they don't look dirty. They just hit you with a wave of like, God damn. Yeah, this could be a legit... This is a legitimate medical condition. I've heard about this. It doesn't matter how much washing or douching you do. It's just like a... Rotten pussy-itis. Yeah.

Yeah, stinky pussy. Yeah. So you've been hooking up with her for a while. I feel like, yeah, some pussies do just have a smell on them. Absolutely. And it's like, you know, like you guys are saying, it's not about your health or anything necessarily. Like that just...

A natural scent it might have. And that's like the proof for like pheromones. There's someone out there for that pussy smell. I mean, he even says it's not over. He says he's kind of into it sometimes. Yeah. So this might be a double-edged sword, which is like you might have, the first time, the first time that you met this woman, you smelled some of her pussy scent and it kind of, it like turned something in you. And now you're like, ooh.

Now you're outside. Yeah, because this woman, she is fighting a lot of smells in the real world, right? So her pussy has to be real, has to be like, and she's put the intensity up. You've turned it up, pheromones-wise, because it's fighting, you know, you're at a bar, a lot of bar smells, musk.

you know, alcohol, other people. This pussy cut through the noise and got to your nose in the real world. And now when it's just you and the pussy face-to-face, I'm sorry, it's going to be a little more powerful than what you're used to. But what do you want to say to her? You want to be like, hey...

Hey, you're cool. I know we're pretty casual, but just would like you to know. I don't know where this is going, really, but your pussy kind of reeks. Yeah. Your gnarly pussy reeks. In my pros and cons list, your pussy stink is heavy. It's like two cons. It takes up two pros have to cancel it out. How thoughtful you are and the way you make eggs.

Are the only thing that are canceling out how fucked up your pussy smells. But if you clean that up, I'm ready to propose. But that is a good point. What is the next step here, pal? Because if you want to, like, date this woman, but you're like, look, I can't. This is a little much. That's one thing. But if you're like, I think I'm just going to fuck her five more times, but I prefer her pussy doesn't smell.

If you're not, if you don't want anything serious, don't broach the pussy stink subject. Just keep, keep going for that gamey pussy. Keep fucking that gamey pussy until it's run its course. But if you want something a little more, you know, if you want something more serious, potentially, you might have to kind of like, you know, bring this up somehow. I don't know. Does she have a, does she have an intimidating gay friend?

You can be like, hey, Maurice, Sally's pussy is out of control, man. It's not going to... For some reason, gay men can be very mean to straight women and they see it as a compliment. So can you tell her her pussy is not giving? Can you tell her her pussy is not, ironically, being very cunty right now?

I love that cunt is turned around. It means like hot now, by the way. That's fucking awesome. Trans people who we steal, it goes black trans women to black women to all gay men to gay white men to the rest of us.

And they really, that was really smart when they started making cunt mean hot again or whatever it means. Some kind of nebulous positive. Anyway, that's what I would say. Get her, get her, you know, get a scary gay guy, you know, to do it. He could also just go super passive aggressive with it and just stop washing his balls for a month and see if she says anything to him. And then if she says anything to him, we'll be like, well,

Or put a little oil. You're one to talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought it was the gamey genitals club. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, put a little sardine oil in your foreskin. Ferment, make some kimchi in your foreskin. The hunger gamey genitals. Yeah, buddy, I don't know. Think, is it really a problem? Can she do... Does this woman strike you as someone who doesn't wash her pussy? Because it might just be her, you know, body chemistry. Yeah.

Or you could, while you're eating her pussy... Or how about this? Put... You're fucking her, right? You put a condom on, but you put a little, like, you know, St. Ives or whatever at the end of the condom, and then you break the condom while your dick's inside, and you kind of force her to douche your pussy out. Use some Mission Impossible-style solutions, gadgets, gizmos. Or you could... How about this? You...

You go, you take... You repel a bar of soap down from the ceiling. How about this? All right, ready? You're like, let's go out for a nice little... You'd have to get a moped or a tandem bicycle or something. You're like, let's go out for a nice bike ride. Wear a skirt with no panties. I'll find it sexy. And then you go through a car wash. And so...

And it has like that fucking brush comes on her pussy and just really foams it up nice. It's like, what the fuck are we doing? You're like, yeah, shut up. Yeah. So we've given you some really... Get the guys to hit it with a vacuum at the end. Yeah. Yeah. Take a shop vac to it. We've given you some very, very good actionable pieces of advice. And the rest is up to you, Mitch. Good luck, my friend.

Absolutely, that's what we're here for. Mm-hmm.

Found in like his middle console of the car Like one of those dick pills, but you get at the gas station And I know for a fact that he's never with one of those out in front of me and

He's never really had a problem getting hard on us. Obviously, he drinks too much or whatever. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, so it's never been an issue for us. And I've been with him for three, almost four years. So my question is, in my mind, it's super suspicious. So what I want to know is, do you think he used that to cheat? Because I have a problem of getting really drunk and falling asleep. And he'll be up the rest of the night. Yeah.

Or like drinking or whatever. Hold on, pause this. I'm sorry, what?

You have a problem getting really drunk and falling asleep and he'll be up the rest of the night? Like drinking or whatever? You've been gas... This woman's already pre-gaslit. We're both problem alcoholics and we have... I mean, yes, they're both alcoholics, but she just... This man has completely fucked this woman's head up. She's like, you know, I have a problem of getting really drunk and falling asleep and he'll be up the rest of the night, which is like...

You do the natural thing when you're drunk. He's clearly annoyed at her for falling asleep, and he's kind of already said it in her mind that this is a defect. He's like, I have a problem. So anyway, that's red flag number one. Some might be a little off, but anyway, keep going. And they're both alcoholics, of course, yes. And just be, like, naturally insecure, and he just wanted to try it out or whatever. For reference, he's... I'm not going to give his age because I don't want to give it away, but he's older. Like, okay, not old, but, like,

30, early 30s. So like, it's not like he has a problem with that. Like, I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, let me have a few things. Okay. Couple interesting things here. The couple, this is a, this is something, something's, so she's like, now, option one, the happy option for everyone. He's been secretly taking dick pills in this relationship because he's never had a problem getting hard unless he's drunk or whatever. Um,

So that's the option here is that like he's been and I've been in a relationship where, you know, I wasn't secretive about. It was more of a don't ask, don't tell dick pill policy, you know, where when I was actually finally when I was secure in the relationship, like at first I used dick pills secretly.

to just... I like to open up with a shock and awe. You know what I mean? Just really go out there with a very hard dick, and then when you're not... This is when you care about a woman. Ironically, and most very fucked up, my dick...

will struggle out of the gate when I actually have feelings for someone. Absolutely. And so I have taken some early dick pills and then I phase them out. Now, they're... And the dick pills you were taking, were they gas station dick pills? Well... Were they prescribed? I... Luckily, I didn't see again. This is...

Folks, how many times, to the big dick pill companies, how many times do I have to tell you, you're losing money every day not sponsoring us. Okay? And I, so right here, native advertising. You're fucking stupid. Imagine, right now, do you understand I could launch into a nice little conversation with my friend Doug here, talking about the exact type of dick pills I take and

how effective they are and how they changed my life. But you're not going to get that, are you? No, Doug. This was during the era of... I kind of...

I was a little scared of gas station dick pills. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I haven't taken some. But I also... This was an era before you could get... Now you can get dick pills like they're bubble gum. You just go online and there's like 1,800, you know. Right. Any of which we would love to have here on Stavi's World. But back in the... What I used to do for a while...

There was a guy, well, I had like, I would talk about dick pills on Comptown and then like sometimes fans would send me dick pills like to do me a solid, which is hilarious. And one guy told me about, there was a research, I talk about it in my special, in my first special, there was a research lab where you could get different chemicals, but like in pipettes and it was for research purposes only.

And you, there was no way to, you had to Venmo a guy and he would be like, put something else in the subject. So you'd be like, lunch. And so I like would Venmo a guy who worked at a research lab and he would send me like a little fucking bottle, a liquid bottle of like, I guess it was like Cialis or whatever. And you were supposed to take like just a little bit of it. So that's what, that's what I was on. And of course I would be like, okay.

I would take way too much. Yeah, I would take way too much. I am stuffed off the Cialis. So, yeah. So that was kind of where I was at. You seem like a man whose dick has been hard his whole life. I mean, I have the opposite problem. I've had premature ejaculation problems. So I need to get super drunk so it'll cooperate or...

punch it a few times. I will say that is the nice thing about, yeah, you got to, you're a classic got to get one out first guy. Yes, yes, yes. Not me, brother. Not me. That one is the hero nut. That first nut, I cannot lose that first nut because the second one is coming out, dribbling the

The second one is coming out like drool. Like drool in a special ed kid's corner of his mouth. That's how that second nut's coming out. Um...

It is nice to not bust quick, and I also have a fucked up foreskin, so that it actually has allowed me to not bust fast. These are God's, you know, these are Jehovah Goku's little, you know, silver linings. A fucked up foreskin? Does that mean there was a circumcision gone wrong? There was not a circumcision gone wrong. I was born with a tight foreskin. Okay. So it will, every once in a while, you'll get a little, you're about to bust, you'll get a little like...

you know, because it just, it hits it the wrong way, but you kind of reset. Yeah, although sometimes you can't, anyway, we don't have to get, we don't have to get into my dick anymore. We gotta, I've, you know, I'd love to come back. We'll discuss more about your, we even get into your adopted siblings and we'll talk about your adopted siblings and we'll talk about my fucked up penis for the next one.

So anyway, option one, that's all to say he might just be taking dick pills behind her back. Yeah. That's totally possible. I think plenty of guys kind of... Because a lot of this is like...

It's a challenge to your manhood kind of thing if you have ED problems and you don't want to think about why it's happening. You don't want to... It's not the kind of problem you want to lay off either because you're like, well, I'm not going to stop getting pussy while I figure out what's going on. So maybe I'll just take dick pills and not worry about it. And maybe, you know, unfortunately, sometimes it is like...

if he's a healthy guy, it can be like, Oh, what's going on here? You should talk to your doctor about it. Um, and he may already be self-conscious. It sounds like there is an age difference here, right? He's so old early. He's in his fucking mid thirties.

But she may have already given him a complex about their age difference. So if he has any sort of issues at all, he's going to think that she's going to think, I'm fucking this old man who can't get it up. Or this ancient man whose cock barely works. Now, at the same time, he's never had problems getting hard, she said, other than when he's drunk. But now that begs the interesting question of,

Has he been taking dick pills the whole time? Cause let's say he's never had problems getting hard with you and now he's cheating, but he's taking dick pills. Wouldn't you think he'd get harder for the thrill of cheating? Or is this a guy? So, or, okay. So, or has he been taking dick pills with you the whole time? You don't know it. And he also is cheating and he's also taking dick pills to cheat. Um,

Those are your options. He doesn't take dick pills with you, but he takes them to cheat, which doesn't make any sense. Or he's been taking dick pills the whole time secretly.

And he's not cheating or he's doubling up on dick pills and using them both to fuck you and to fuck someone else. Yeah. Those are really our options. What if this is the girl with the stank puss and he has to take the dick pills to overcome the stank puss? Yeah, that's a good question. To the past, to the other guy I answered, your dick still is getting hard, right? So the puss is not that bad. I did one time, actually, now that I think about it, I think I've talked about this where I did, there was some, a girl after she busted, she was like,

Something happened where her pussy started Kind of went wild Too gamey And I literally like I was eating her pussy And then I just like I was like oh my god Like it kind of It hit me like a skunk Like a spray of a skunk And I just like Could not stay hard to fuck And she just ended up sucking my dick Until I busted But I had so I gotta go take a bath in tomato juice Yeah

Yeah, I'm getting fucking DoorDash, 800 cans of tomato. I'm getting a fucking... What's the grocery one? Campbell's? No, no, what's the grocery delivery service? Is that... No, no. Anyway, we blew it, guys. If I remembered that app...

That fucking riff would have been probably 10% better. No, not HelloFresh. What's the shop? Fresh Direct? Yes, one of those. But a competitor to those that sounds better. Look up delivery grocery services. And we'll answer your question at some point. We just have to really get grocery delivery apps. Instacart, that's one. Ah, yeah.

Insta-carting tomato juice cans to pour on my face after eating stinky pussy, folks. That would have been it. We don't deserve the claps. Turn them off. We don't deserve them. I fucked up. Anyway, so yeah, back to the stinky pussy guy. Your dick's still getting harder. Pussy can't be that stinky. That's another thing to think about. Anyway, back to our friend here who's worried about getting cheated by her fiance. Certainly finding a dick pill... Okay. Okay.

By the way, because it sounds like this guy's older and you say you have a problem getting really drunk and falling asleep and he'll be up the rest of the night. It sounds like there's a little bit and the age difference. It sounds like there's a little bit of gaslighting going on in this relationship. Right. It sounds like I don't know. Maybe I'm off. But doesn't that comment of her saying she has a problem getting really drunk and falling asleep? Doesn't that seem a little bit like he's kind of.

done something and she's been like what do you mean you got drunk and crashed the car and he's like well you were fucking asleep and you know I'm up all night like it sounds like something like that happened like what do you mean you know what I mean like something he did something stupid and he uses her

problem. That's just my vibe that I'm getting. It's an interesting fold in there. She said it like it's a normal thing. It's also very glazed over. Very glazed over, which tells me that there is a little gaslighting here. So just to speak to you from a male perspective here, if you find...

some kind of sexual device that you've never used with your fiance before or haven't, to your knowledge, used with your fiance before in his car, that is at least grounds for you to confront him about it, right? Like, and the answer might be, hey, look, I'm embarrassed.

I take dick pills a lot when we hook up. That's why I don't... That's why I've never had a problem is because I never want to, you know, let you down like you caught, right? That's honestly the best thing you can hope for. If he's weird and flustered and kind of like... You know, whatever. It's like, you know, well, when you were drunk and falling asleep, I was bored, so I bought dick pills and beat off. Like, you know what I mean? Like...

I want to at least support you here in terms of like you have the right for an explanation. And it could just be like it could it could very, you know, very reasonably be. Sorry, I've been taking dick pills the whole time. I'm not my dick doesn't get that hard. I'm self-conscious about it. So I've been overdoing it. And it might be a nice it might be a nice thing in your relationship where you kind of get this guy off dick pills together and you start your life again.

au natural together and we already know Eldest is staunchly anti-dick pill as opposed to me who's a big pro. Yeah, you gotta be careful. Can't jeopardize your dick's future to have a steel cock. It ain't about the future, man. I'm not trying to get pussy at 70. I'm trying to whittle and eat apple pie. I'm trying... These are my fuck years right now. I'll eat pussy as an old man with my dentures out. I'll gum that clit like you wouldn't believe. Uh...

So, yeah, I don't know. That's just... It's also like it doesn't... There's not a problem here. There's not a problem with their sex life. The problem is, is he cheating on me? Right, right. I've never seen him use a dick pill. I found a dick pill in his thing. So, like...

I think you should just have a conversation. Honestly, and I hate when the advice boils down to, but 80% of the time it boils down to have a conversation with this person. Yeah. And you will learn a lot about whether this is an issue or not for you. But you are at least don't.

Don't think that you're being crazy bringing this up because my hunch is he will try and gaslight his way out of this one way or another. That's just my hunch. I don't know this guy at all. That's just my hunch. Just age difference plus that little drinking comment makes me feel like some, you know, he might just, even if he's not cheating, he might just try and steamroll through this. So we just want to let you know here at Stobby's World, you definitely have a point.

You definitely deserve an explanation here. And you're not being insane for asking about this. Now, what would be insane is if you didn't have the conversation and you went straight to steal, you know, spying on him, looking at his phone, you know, hiring a private investigator or whatever the fuck. That would be crazy. So that's my that's our advice to you, my friend. And good luck.

Good luck and hopefully he just has a soft dick and isn't a cheater. Doug, do you mind grabbing my phone from there, my friend? Yeah. Am I going to fuck things up if I take a quick piss? No, no, no. Take a quick piss right now. Okay, folks. Doug's dick has been freshly milked. We're ready to go. How about bring us home here, Elders? Hit us with a nice one. Hey, Steph. Love the podcast. Love the content. Appreciate it a lot.

Thanks, dude. Keeps me going. I am caught in kind of a predicament here with my fiance. We had a baby a couple years ago. Everything's going great, but when it comes to our sexual life, it isn't quite adequate, I could say, I guess. And we've talked about it quite a bit. She just doesn't have the sex drive that I have.

Definitely a higher libido person compared to her. And I don't think it's really about how attractive we are to each other. When we do have sex, it's great. But it's just not frequent enough. And I've told her that it could become a problem in the future. That's what I'm about to do. I get too fucking backed up.

Might be a fucking problem. The funny thing is I know what he means, but it's just so funny to phrase it that way. It's like real mafia. It would be a real shame if I cheated on you. If you're too sad to suck my dick. Love you. Love our son. Everything's great, but a man's got a bust. Or he might do something crazy. Laughter

Some call it Jewish lightning. I might be looking for a new wife after you tragically pass away right after I take out a big life insurance policy on you. Finding solutions, trying to bring up the conversation of...

Opening the relationship. Didn't go well, I'll tell you that. Yeah, no shit. Not great. So it's a tough situation. I just wanted to hear what you might have to say about it. Appreciate it, man. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep banging out these specials. They're great. Thank you, brother. Yep, thanks, man. Okay, so...

Now, our friend here, did he say his name up top? I'll just scroll up. No. Our friend here, you know, him and his fiance had a baby a couple years ago. Everything's going great, but the sex life isn't, right? And now, look, you can speak to this, Doug. You're a happily married man. There's some dip, I would assume, in every, like, married couple. But, you know, does it get to these levels of, like...

Desperation or whatever this guy, you know, there seems to be a little. Anyway, why don't you talk as the give us the married man's kind of breakdown on the general situation. And then we'll go in more, more, you know, more detailed here because I have a couple of thoughts. I can say from experience that, you know, being a parent, it drains you, man. Right. She's exhausted.

She's, you know, she's not focused on you as much as she is on the kid, which means she's a good mom. Right. So be grateful for that. Yeah. The sex is definitely going to take a dip.

Talking about there's going to be a problem. I'm backed up. Guilting her to any degree. Putting any sort of pressure on her. That is only going to shut down her libido even more. Open relationship. That's not going to fucking help either. You fucked up with that one, pal. His only hope is to be as much of a turn-on to her as possible. Right. Help out around the house. Be a good dad. Right.

Praise her as a mother. You know what I mean? Your only hope here is to really rev her up and boost her ego so that she wants to fuck you again. Yes. And part of this might be he hasn't understood that the way... It might not even be a libido thing so much as like...

now that they have a kid and they've been together for a while, the ways that you turn on your partner are different than when you were single. Everything you just said, as a single guy in your 20s,

Doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, and being like, that was really awesome the way you fed that kid applesauce. That's not getting you pussy when you're 26, right? But when you have a kid, and whatever age you're at...

When you have a kid, that's going to get you pussy way more than flowers and getting her drunk are going to get you. You know what I mean? Going out for a nice whatever. Because no, they're worried about... But yes, I'm glad that you said all those things from actual experience. Because that was a little bit of my hunch here. Was that you're clearly more...

You're kind of halfway there in terms of how you're approaching this because you're having a conversation about it, which is good, right? You're not being weirdly passive-aggressive about it. You're talking about your needs here, and that's fine, but I think you didn't finish it with looking a little more inward, right? Where it's like, yes, it's possible you have different libidos, but

It's also, like, are you helping out as much with the kid? Like, is she more drained? Does she not want to... Is her life just way more annoying than yours? And maybe she has some resentments about that, and maybe that's not turning her on, and she's just overwhelmed and too tired. And is... Are your, like... Are your duties, like, equal? Like, are you as...

as stressed out and worried and tired every day as she is, even if they're not equal. Could it be that this just having more, you know, are you helping out equally with the kid? And even if you're not, could it be that it affects her a little more? I'm not saying your life is easy. I'm not saying your job is easy, but you don't really have to do some kind of huge, literally biological change here that she had to. So things are the same for you. You're looking at things through this similar lens that

try and look at it from her perspective, not just yours, right? Where you have communicated like, hey, this is kind of like, this is hard for the relationship, but you went to, there could be a problem and I need to fuck other whores fast, right? You went there a lot faster than you went with changing a diaper every once in a while. What can I do for my girl? Shit. So that would be, and look, maybe he has, right? It's a possibility he has and he kind of left that out. My hunch is you haven't, right? But,

If you haven't, I would start there. I would look a little inward, right? Think about what Doug told you to do. What can I do to make it easier on her? He's lived it. He knows what the fuck he's talking about. And I think that's step one. Also, just working on the relationship. Not just the physical work that needs to be done, but like...

You know, if there's a problem like this where there's a switch in libidos and you're not, you know, the way we were just talking earlier how, like, ED can be a sign of different health problems for a guy. Like, it could just be blood stuff. It could be your heart. It could be a lot of different stuff. Yeah.

sex life dropping off is almost like it's like the ED of a relationship where it's like even if everything else seems good if you don't want to fuck as much there could be a problem somewhere that needs there's a problem somewhere that needs diagnosing yeah right if you're that drastically different so is couples therapy a possibility like you clearly have no problem stating what you want maybe she was just kind of like

She she had thoughts on that conversation that she didn't feel comfortable saying at the time, right? She might not be as open. She might not be like hey man, like I just it's you know She's like she obviously didn't like the open thing, but she didn't she wasn't like that's not the problem The problem is I'm fucking like it might be easier for her to open up with another person So I would just say work on the relationship first and foremost before you start worrying about how many nuts a week you get off and

That's not the biggest problem here. Before you bust a load, bust out a load of laundry. Yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go. Yes. Also, rather than making it her problem and putting the blame on her, he can still speak up for what he wants just by being like, what can I do to ensure that we have a more active sex life? Absolutely. Exactly. This is like not... Yes, exactly. Um...

So, yeah, I think that's you're almost there. You're close. Yeah, you're close, buddy. You just have to kind of turn really think about turn it inward a little bit and think about you guys as a holistic partnership where it's like these are, you know, because I'm sure in her dream world, she has a more active sex life. Yeah, yeah, sure. Like in her dream world, she's just like she's just at this point is kind of like.

Zero in. Or, or maybe, I mean, that's why I say also think about the relationship in general because it's like this could be the kernel of something where maybe she is kind of

Maybe she is a little resentful of you. Maybe you're not because you're not helping around. And maybe she is, even if she doesn't understand it, withholding sex just because she's like, doesn't like how you've been behaving the last couple of weeks. You know what I mean? So and maybe she can't. She hasn't been able to say that because for whatever reason. Right. So work on the relationship. See what you can do in general as part of this team. And, you know, don't worry about your nuts per week as much as like.

kind of rekindling something because it sounds like you guys talked about it but it doesn't sound it sounds like you got halfway there but it doesn't sound like you got quite there with what's going on in my very very limited opinion here I'm going to do a quick one Eldis one more that was a pretty good one though I'll give you credit that was a real nice one something cute to take us off

Thank you.

One to Italy. Okay. Is this an inside baseball thing? No, no, no. It's just Italy's, you know, they're just fucking animals over there. Oh, like the most racist European country? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're pretty racist for sure. Spain too, they're like throwing bananas at African players and shit like that. Jesus Christ. I will say this about Greece, right?

I've had friends who, like... I've had, like, you know, Greek kids I grew up with who were, like, got really into, like... You know, Greek kids who were, like, gay and got into, like, social. And they were like, I'm gonna go back to Greece and I'm gonna show them, like... It doesn't... Because their dads are homophobic, so they think you go back to the motherland and you're gonna, like, fight and be heard. And, like, it's gonna be, like, almost like their own little civil rights struggle. And then they get to Greece and Greece has been...

Our economy is 80% tourism. They love everyone who comes and spends money. No one gave a fuck that they were gay. No one treated them weird. And...

What you'll get in Greece is, like, you might get people calling you Shaq or Michael Jordan. You will get, like, fun, whimsical... Get ready for compliments. You will get fun, whimsical racism. You know what I mean? You might get someone asking... Because Greek people are also pretty vulgar, as you can tell. You might get somebody talking about how big your dick is. You know what I mean? Like, you might get, like, that kind of, like... You'll get the fun, little whimsical parts of... They might be like, oh, you know, fake...

fake reaching for their wallet, you know what I mean? But like not actually scared. You know what I mean? Like, oh, what's up? You know, like that kind of stuff. Yeah, you want your ego stroked with a slew of new credit cards. Just go to Greece. Like, dude, okay, for example, actually, this is a fucking, this is a perfect example. I was in Greece.

I'm in Greece with my girlfriend at the time, and, you know, we're a couple fucking New York cosmopolitans, and this, like, really, like, striking black couple, older black couple, retired, like, you know, in their 50s, 60s, but really well put together, they kept calling them Obama. Yeah.

They kept every, and we were like, and me and my girlfriend had to be like, hey, we're so, I had to be like, I'm sorry. They're like, but they weren't like, it wasn't like you're scared for your life, but you're, or scared that the cops are going to, but you're like, all right, man, how many times are you going to fucking call me Obama? And he was just, he didn't look like Obama at all.

He did not look anything like Obama. He had longer hair. He had, you know, he was like more, he was darker skinned, but he was just a, a, a, like a striking older black man and everyone called him Obama. So that's like literally dude, four different waiters and like random Greek people were like, Oh,

You know, like to that extent. Waiters? People that serve you? No, no, no. And like kept bringing it up to the point where me and my, me and my, the girl I was with. Only the best for the leader of the free world. I had to be like, Jesus, you guys, sorry about this. And they're like, yeah, you know, what are you going to do? They just kind of like, they didn't laugh it off because it clearly happened enough times where it was annoying. But that's what you're looking for. That's what's going to happen to you in Greece. Yeah.

So, you know, I would just say that. But again, beautiful place. Fucking awesome.

October is a great idea. Early October might be the best time to be in Greece because there's no tourists. It's kind of emptied out, but it's still pretty warm, especially on the islands, it's still pretty warm. Now, in terms of like, you know, any opinions on islands, all that kind of stuff, I tell people to go, I think a standard and good thing to do is go to the same chain of islands that the ones everyone has heard of, Santorini, Mykonos, all those, Santorini and Mykonos, like those islands

Everyone knows those. Don't go there. Go to the other islands in that chain. So there's islands like Naxal. I love Naxal. My godfather lives there. And there's a bunch of other. I sent Ari Shafir. Actually, he'll be on the pod soon. I sent him to a little island called Paro. You know, I want to go over there. That's where I'm going to go next. But yeah, just go to the like where it's touristy but not...

you know, crazy packed. Although, to be honest with you, in October, you actually might be able to go to, like, Santorini, Mico No, all the, all the, all the, like, all the classic ones. But here's the little thing about Santorini that people don't tell you. The view is unbelievable. You go for the sunset. The sunset is crazy. The beaches kind of suck dick over there. The beaches are not good. They're really not. So if that's, it just depends on what you're looking for. But,

Race-wise, you'll be good to go. You're not going to be railroaded by the local police or anything. People are going to keep calling you LeBron James. That's pretty much it. But have a good trip. Call back, buddy. Let us know how it went.

That's going to do it for us, guys, for this episode. Thank you so much, Doug. Thanks for coming, brother. Thank you, man. Of course. Super fun. Jehovah Boy. Yeah. Jehovah Boy. Jehovah Boy. Check it out. Listen to the pod and, yeah, check out Doug. Anything else? Anybody else? That's it, man. That's it. I'm taking a break from the road for the rest of the summer. Love it, dude. But, yeah, just hit that pod. Hit that pod, baby. Love you guys. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.