#38 - Joe List
01:50:32 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. Wow, what an episode we have for you today. Just before we really get things rolling, I need to personally thank our new sponsor, Babbel. That's right, folks. We know you listen to this podcast or watch this podcast to learn first and foremost. And that's why we are happy to bring on Babbel. Get started right now. If you want to learn a new language, get started right now.

With 55% off your Babbel subscription, just for listeners of Stavi's World, go learn a new language. You might be able to learn in like as little as three weeks. You could start speaking a couple phrases. So go to babbel.com slash stavi, get 55% off.

Because you use Stavi, code Stavi, S-T-A-V-V-Y, and that's spelled, by the way, B-A-B-B-E-L. Don't screw it up, chief. So go to B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Stavi and get 55% off your subscription at Babbel and learn a language. Become a multilingual, a polyglot, for God's sakes.

Oh, and I would be remiss not to remind you to get tickets to our tour. Me and the others are hitting the road. You'll see him working cameras, being all over the place, agile like a cat. You won't even notice him. He's selling merch and setting up cameras. We will be the Fat Rascal Tour. The final leg of the Fat Rascal Tour kicks off today.

in Cincinnati, then Columbus, then Cleveland. Then I'm going home to Baltimore. There's tickets left to one show in Baltimore, that Thursday show. Buy them right now. And then I'm going to Detroit and Grand Rapids. There's two shows there. We already sold out the first. We added a second one. Philly, then we're going to Orlando, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale, Milwaukee, Kansas City, St. Louis,

We finally end the tour in my adopted hometown, my second, you know, where I live now, New York, New York, at the Beacon Theater. First show sold out. Second show almost sold out. Buy those tickets now. We might have to F around and add a third show. Who knows? But stavi.com, or I'm sorry, stavi.biz. What the f*** am I talking about? What the F? Make a fun little animal sound over that. Stavi.biz for tickets. And of course,

Huh? What?

No. By the way, I thought you were saying a favor. No, no, a favorite. No, no, no. We got a favor. No, we got a... This guy's cat, he's seen me do despicable things, folks. And for his silence, he asks to be on the podcast whenever he's promoting something. Joe List, everyone. Happy to be back. Thank you. Oprah Winfrey. That's right. That's right.

Thrilled to be back. By the way, big things happened last time I was here. People really blew up. That's awesome. People, I don't know, people messaged me. One guy, I bumped into a guy at Starbucks and he was like, dude, congrats. And I was like, what? He's like, Stavros, congrats. I was like, oh yeah. I was submitting for a long time. Yeah.

I fucking got to the top of the mountain, baby. Yeah, you finally made it, man. You're coming to podcast in an apartment where you've had souvlaki and watched NBA games and just hung out for years. I know, I'm not accustomed to you being a megastar. Well, it's funny because something did kick in where I'm like...

Because, you know, when we're like growing up and shit, it's like you think getting on TV or like a big movie, like something happens and you're like, oh, I guess I'm successful now. But really, me and Elders just posted TikToks for a year. And now I got fucking famous. It's really come and hitting my head. I'm like, wow, I guess it's just not glamorous. Like there was never a moment where I'm getting some award or anything like that. It's just...

My Albanian friend learned to video edit and then we hired a couple other guys. And I was posting TikToks from my iPhone 8. Yeah, held this on an iPhone 8 using like a program we bought from the App Store for like the first five months. You're like on Splice. He didn't learn how to use a computer to edit for like until like two months ago. You used to have to like run away from your parents. Like your parents would hit you and then you would run away, hitchhike, do coke.

And some like old Jew would grab you and be like, you want to make a buck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they'd like tape your tits down so you look like a 10-year-old. And then you got your Oscar. Yeah, yeah. Now it's just like, wow. Now it's just a year straight of TikToks. Now you're like, would you eat cum for 50 bucks? Yeah.

Straight to the top. He said it. No, you saw it in his eyes. He didn't say it, but you could see it, right, guys? And everyone's like, yeah, he's gay. But anyway, it's a big deal. It's a thrill, and I'm happy to be here. It's crazy. Your podcast gets way more views than a Tonight Show.

Oh, a set maybe. Yeah. But not if Jimmy Fallon's playing beer pong with fucking Harrison Ford. Maybe not the TV show or whatever, but like doing a, this is bigger than doing a set on Conan. Oh yeah. That's, yeah, I know. It is funny how that's all I ever wanted was to do Conan. Yeah. And it was just like, no, never did it. I did it twice. Nice dude. Now who's congratulating who? Now who's on top?

You are, man. You, I'm sorry. Accepted. And the Tonight Show. And the Tonight Show. Great. And I did the other guy, too. I watched them all, man. Who was the British guy? I did the British guy. Gordon. Gordon and Letterman. One of the straightest men of all time, James Gordon. Letterman was a show before you were born. It was a TV show. I mean, I wanted to do Letterman, but that was so out of...

I was doing open mics at seafood restaurants when Letterman was on. At the very end, it was like a couple. I remember young ass, young DeStefano did it. Yeah, he did it before me, a few months before me, I think. I think Adrian Appaloochee did it. I was like, oh, this is cool. People that I've hoped wouldn't show up at the stand so I could get a guest spot that I sort of know have done Letterman. And then it went away. That was tough because who had like 18 Lettermans?

Nick Griffin? Yes, Nick Griffin. It's such a hilarious comic. And it was like he had like 18 Lettermans. Then it's like, well, I guess the most awesome credit I have is gone now. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Jake Johansson did like 45 Lettermans, which is crazy. Yeah. And I think Griffin did nine or something like that. 45? 45. I always said that. He has like five albums worth of Lettermans. Does he repeat jokes?

I don't know. That's so funny to be like, well, I did this five years ago on Letterman. I could probably sneak this in. There's a new tag now. I mean, I don't know, but he's done, he did a lot. But yeah, late night. Well, yeah, who cares? The important thing is you have a new special that just came out. Just came out. It's three days old. It's called Enough for Everybody. It's my third special in three years. Is it about your penis? Enough for everybody? Enough to go around? Well, I don't want to give away the ending, but yeah.

The crowd comes up and everyone gets a little suckle. He's like, come on, Papa Joe's got enough for everybody. That's the big closer. I fucked the whole front row. Man, woman, and child, baby. Child? No, that's just a saying.

There goes our advertising. I'm about to be a parent, too. Oh, yeah. That's right. But yeah, go check it out. Hit pause on here. Hit pause. Get rid of this bullshit. Forget this. This sucks. Yeah, agreed. This stinks. Go watch Enough for Everybody? I think so. Yeah.

I don't know. Enough for everybody on YouTube. And it's the follow-up to this year's material, which you probably haven't seen that yet. I've seen it. I Hate Myself is also out there. Yeah, you're in the special thanks. Oh, thanks, buddy. Not the special thanks, the regular thanks. Just the regular thanks. It's not too late. Maybe I can send me the spelling on your name. You can squeeze Eldest in. Yeah. Eldest Presley, right? Eldest Presley. You ever get that as a kid?

I did, of course. Of course. I think I get it to you. Stav had a good one early on that I'm like, I am so lucky this never caught on. He would throw out Eldick in elementary school, I remember. I'm like, whoa, have I never got caught on Crossfire? That is crazy. Even with you. I forgot about it. Yeah, wow. I was like, whoa, I'm lucky. I've never...

Coming out of middle school, high school. Sounds like a Spanish wrestler. El Dick. El Dick. El Dick. Yeah, I think, honestly, it's because you moved from middle school. If you had been around from middle school, you would have been El Dick for sure. Yeah, I'm sure that would have come up a lot more. Well, this is funny to think of now, but I didn't really curse as a little kid. I was scared to curse until like fourth or fifth grade. Oh, wow, what a homo. Yeah, I was like, I don't know, I was just like,

scared to disappoint my mom until like fourth or fifth grade and then it was over. Once I realized like nothing bad happens if you say, you know, dick or pussy or whatever. Yeah. We were off to the races. But I remember being like, I remember like being in bed thinking about like

All right. Tomorrow's the day I curse. Like psyching myself up in third grade and be like at the playground when we have recess, I'm going to say bitch. Like I remember like trying to get the nerve up to say bitch. I was going to say like I remember moments where we would walk outside of the school and like just whisper like fuck to each other or something. Like walking back inside from recess or something.

We would practice cursing to each other. We would whisper to each other in the open air. Yeah, and always outside. We didn't want to be caught in the... We wouldn't curse indoors. We'd stay outside with a breeze. Wear a mask.

That's funny because you say third grade because I remember watching George Carlin's special. I think it was Doing It Again or Jammin' in New York, one of those two. And they had the, whatever you call it, the lead up was like his old clips from his old special and he had his poem that I memorized. It was rat shit, fat shit, dirty old twat, 69 assholes tied in a knot. Hooray, lizard shit, fuck. Which passes a bit back then. It's good, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could just say that. And I would do that in third grade, and everyone, I was like, it was nuts. Dude, if I heard that in third grade, we would have been like. People went crazy. I mean, that's when I got my reputation for being like the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't think I even was like, oh, this is a George Carlin thing. I was like, guys, I came up with this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ratchet, fetch, dirty old twat. And they were like, what? Yeah.

Yeah, it was, that was, I did love in elementary school where it was like, you could just tell whose parents just didn't care by who was cursing and who wasn't. Like, there were just like, there were kids in like second or third grade who were just like saying disgusting things, talking about, you know, sucking each other, you know, sucking dick and shit, like calling girls whores. And we were like, I was literally like scandalized by that behavior. I was like, before realizing I'm also poor, my mom did a good job. Yeah.

Like hiding that we were trash. And I'd be like, I can't believe it, mommy. When I would go home and then it's like, oh, wait a second. We've been shopping. Then it's like, literally when it was like I wanted a specific shoe and my mom got me the Payless knockoff. Yeah. Like I wanted a specific, what were those skate shoes?

or air? I think they were airwalks. Oh, yeah, airwalks. That was big. I remember that. Well, there was some bootleg version of those from Payless, and I got roasted when I went to fourth grade. They're like, ah, you went to fucking Payless. And I was like, my mom says they have good shoes and they're cheaper. They're like, fucking pussy, your mom got those for you.

Like, it was just, I was digging myself a bigger and bigger hole. And literally, those airwalks might have turned it for me when I was like, wait, I'm fucking poor and trashed, just like all these, like, white, you know, all these, literally we called them Americans. We called them Americani. I'm like, I'm just like these dirty Americans. I'm going to start saying fuck. If my mama got me name brand shoes, maybe I'm like an honors student. You'd be a different guy. Yeah. You'd be on the Tonight Show. You would have done Conan. Yeah.

Do you know the song Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton? No. I think you might want to put it tonight when you're by yourself. Put it on by yourself. You'll be weeping. Really? Really?

It's about her mother. She didn't realize she was poor, and then they got all these rags, and she put the rags together and wore them, and all the kids would make fun of her, and then her mother was like, you're richer than all these kids. Right. Well, that's not true. No, no, no. She's a fucking white trash horse shit. Yeah, yeah. Good thing God she had those big-ass titties, or else... Listen, songs, no songs, let's be honest, Dolly. Zero talent on this. No tits, you're out. Zero talent on that fat, titted fucking hick. You don't get back.

Jolene sucks. Jolie. Yeah, what's the bodyguard song? I'll always love you. No, they're bangers. I'm sorry, Dolly. She's unbelievable. She's the best. And I'm sorry to come out against the fat-titted community. I'm usually a steadfast supporter. Of course.

I never want to... I retract immediately. I recant what I just said about Dolly Parton. Did Dolly always have those big-ass titties? I feel like she must be a pioneer for unapologetically large tits. Because I've seen videos of her from the 60s or 70s, and she looks like a cute young girl. I think she had big-ass tits. Let's look up young Dolly Parton. I think she's always had big cans. She's famous for her surgery. She embraced her plastic surgery and jokes about it, which is...

Rare, I think. That's the way to do it. I mean, those are some big-ass natural titties, dude. Yeah. Go to that yellow one. What are you doing? She's amazing. Once in a lifetime. You know who she kind of looks like? Jack Kay from fucking... Jack Kay? The black sitcom actress. She has a similar smile. You know what I'm saying? Jack Kay? I don't know Jack Kay. Jack with two E's, I think. Oh, no, no. There she is.

Yeah, keep going down. There's Jack Hay Harry. Yeah. Jack Hay Harry. She kind of looks like Dolly Parton. Oh, I know that actor. Yeah. No, she's great. She's from Borat, isn't she? She's very funny. No, no, no. That's funny. She's the mom from Sister, Sister. She's on Curb, then. Is she on Curb? Yeah, yeah. Maybe. Yeah, she's definitely done something on Curb. But yeah, she was on Sister, Sister. Whatever. How'd we get to Jack Hay? I wanted to see Dolly's pants. I'm sorry. What the fuck? Young Jack, they have a similar smile.

The second one in is the hottest one. Yeah, she looks awesome. But yeah, her titties are big. Yeah, always had big tits. And then when she was getting older, she was like, you know what? Let's supersize these fuckers. Yeah, those are some nice fat tits, man. I don't know what you're on about, Elders. All right, I take it back. Pardon.

Hey. But I've been, damn, we got to get our hands on that Playboy. We got to get her on the show. Yeah, I would love to have her on the show. I'm telling you, Code of Many Colors is going to really touch you. All right. It's going to really make you cry. By the way, I didn't realize, I mean, we weren't as poor as you. Yeah.

I don't know. My parents, I mean, we had two generations in the country before I came. But I remember my buddy coming over to my parents' house and then later being like, yeah, you know, I'm white trash, you're white trash, and being like incensed. You were pissed off? And he was like, well, you have a broken down car in your driveway. There was like a rolled up carpet that was like in our backyard that had like grown in. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, you have that. And he's like, you're wearing like bad jeans. They're too short. And I was like, oh. I was like kind of like, oh, jeez. I didn't know that. There's always a moment when you find out you're poor. And the longer you can go, the better for you, I think. Of course. Without being self-conscious. But it helps that everyone else, like no one at our elementary school had any money. Everything was bullshit. Yeah.

Everyone, because in Baltimore, I mean, I'm sure you guys did a good job of probably like legislating it in Boston or just not living around them. But in Baltimore, anyone who had like money and they were just like, ah, I'd rather put my kids in Catholic school, which just meant like.

I don't want them going to public schools with black people. You know what I mean? It was like, and so these schools weren't better, but it's like pretty much everyone who had any kind of like money on, like, and they had the, all these like,

They set up a whole corner of Baltimore that was like technically the city. So you were from Baltimore City, but it was these insanely expensive like $13,000. Like when I was going to middle school, they were $13,000 a year for middle school. Wow. This is fucking, you know, 20, 25 years ago, whatever. So...

But yeah, so in Greektown, southeast Baltimore. The richest kid I remember, there was this kid whose family always got like WrestleManias on the pay-per-view. Oh, dude, if you could afford pay-per-views, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had like Furbies and shit when they were the hot shit. What's his name? Mr. F? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. Furby?

Mr. Furby himself. Every time I went there, I was like, whoa, this kid is so rich. He just lived in a Baltimore, in a Greek town, townhouse. He just had cool toys. But that was rich. He was rich as far as we were concerned. He later went on to run unsuccessfully for the state Republican congressman in Virginia or some weird shit. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I might have told this story before. It's crazy.

Really quite charming and sweet, but also hilariously embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was dating, I'm from Whitman, Massachusetts, which is the birthplace of the chocolate chip cookie and also the used car capital of Massachusetts. I think there's like 20 used car places in a 4.2 square mile. Wow. Most per capita. Look at that. Yeah. Named after a renowned pedophile, Walt Whitman. Is he a pedophile? Isn't he?

I don't know. That's a big accusation for someone who's not sure. He definitely had many odes to teenage boys, young athletic boys. Look up Walt Whitman pedophile. No kidding. I'm not usually into poetry. I think he's literally idolized by NAMBLA. He's one of the first things on their website. No kidding. Look up Walt Whitman pedophile.

I'm sorry, go on, Joe. Walt Whitman, pedophile. We're in images, which is hilarious. Walt Whitman's boys, wow. In Spontaneous Me, Whitman confides that his poems are of the privacy of the night and of men like me. Wow, there you go. This book is nothing more than a bizarre tribute to the pedophile poet Walt Whitman.

Walt Whitman and Nambo. Damn. Man-boy lovers. Walt Whitman and Bill Duckett. Man-boy lovers. No kidding. Well, first of all, you got Nambo on my fucking internet. Thanks a lot. Oh, come on. You're fine. Keep scrolling down. Bill Duckett's relationship to Walt Whitman can be glimpsed in the photograph of the two taken together around 1886. So Whitman's the old man. Yeah. Yeah.

Whitman liked to sit for photographs, but in almost all of his poses, he's on stage. Okay. The sexual aura of the Whitman ducket photograph comes through despite the studio trappings. Okay. So they're basically just saying like, check it out. Walt Whitman fucked this little kid. I feel like he was very like, he just had the very ancient Greek mentality. Yeah.

Oh, hold on, hold on. I became acquainted with Mr. Whitman in 1884 when he bought and moved in the little house at 328 Mickle Street within three doors of which I lived. Imagine being this guy and be like, hey, you know, this famous poet, maybe he'll teach my son fucking reading, teach him verse, and he's just sucking your son's dick.

We boys had a quad club, and W made us a present of a handsome set of quotes for pitching. I don't know what quotes is. A game resembling horseshoes. Oh, horseshoes. Oh, so he's getting boys toys. He's getting boys toys. They come over, watch some WrestleMania. He's the original Michael Jackson. He's like, come on over. We got a little railroad. Oh, fuck.

Neither man nor boy disputes for about five years. For about five years, go up, Elders, Whitman keeps close track of the boy in his notebooks. They were nearly inseparable in 1885, particularly after September 15th when Whitman's friends bought him a horse and buggy. They would go out on drives every afternoon. This man is getting roadhead from a child in between writing his fucking shit about nature and how beautiful it is. Wow.

Anyway, all right. So anyway, another, yeah, dig into some of his poems. And Elders, while Joe tells his story about being poor in pedophile Massachusetts, why don't you find some of his poems about boys? So you're in the used car capital. I'm in Whitman, very blue collar town. Yeah.

which just was just home to me. And I started dating this girl from Denver who was very sweet and whatever. We fell in love and she came to visit my family. What do you mean you started dating her in Denver? Well, she's from Denver. I met her here. You met her in New York? Yeah. I see, I see. Okay.

But I met her with Soder, who's also from Denver. And who is trash. And who's trash from Aurora, I think. And she's from Cherry Creek. And he was like, fuck that chick. He's like, she's nothing but trouble. Cherry Creek is... I remember being mad at him. Being like, who cares where she's from? She's hot and she's laughing at my joke. And he's like, I'm telling you, they're all pieces of shit. And I thought it was weird. Anyways...

I just ignored that. And then she came to Whitman and I was like, you want to see the biggest house I've ever seen? The best house? Where do you see this house? And I'm like building it up. It's in Whitman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The house probably cost $110,000. I drove to it and I'm like, look at this house. Look at, lay your eyes. You ever seen anything like that? Because it had like a wraparound porch and two layers, two floors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're sitting there and I clocked her reaction as weird. She was like, yeah. Like she was trying to see if I was kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she could see I wasn't. And that was Thanksgiving. Then I went to her house for Christmas. She lived next to Joe Sackick, the captain of the Colorado Avalanche. Ha, ha, ha.

And her best friend is John Elway's daughter. We literally went to John Elway's house and next to Joe Sackick's house. Like her house was better than that house. And I've never felt more humiliated like with a month long delay. And you were an adult too. Oh, I was like 27 years old. You should know that that's not an impressive house. I don't know why. I just was like, look how beautiful. Is that crazy? Yeah.

Well, some things do get it, like, stick into what you believe as, like, a little-ass kid. And that just was, you got shook of that opinion in the most embarrassing way possible. Yeah. Where you were like, oh, this actually sucks. Well, this was, like, also before I ever, like, opened, met Louie or opened for anybody. You didn't know any rich people. I just was, like, I'd been to, like, DiPaolo's house in Westchester, which was very nice. Yeah. But, like, I had never been around any wealth or anything. Right, right, right. And then I remember, like, driving into her house and being like, oh.

That's embarrassing.

What was her family like? What did they do? Do you remember? I don't know what her family does. I think her dad was some kind of business guy. I don't actually know. Yeah. But yeah, they did very well. And they were very nice people. They weren't like assholes or snobs or anything. Yeah. But it was just one of those things. I could feel her being like, yeah, it's a nice house. What kind of trash dick have I let into my pussy for the last couple months? Oh, totally. Anyway, want to come get some taquitos for dinner?

Mom made her specialty, and it's fucking steak comes with American cheese. Well, I also do remember going to her house and having like a six-pack of like bush light. I bought a box of Kraft mac and cheese to have her mother make. Oh, my God. And looking back, they were just like, you got to get out of this. You brought Kraft cheese to me? I'm not kidding. You were like, hey, can you fix this up for me, babe? I'm not joking. In fact, I remember going...

from house to house, we were looking at the Christmas lights because there's all these purple things. And I had in a pot, I was in the backseat with a pot of mac and cheese. And I think I realized later...

They must have been like, you can't be with this man. It was like a fucking Disney movie. They're like, you can't marry this fucking idiot. You're eating a fucking pot of cheese. Yes. And drinking. That's so awesome. Bush light. Oh, it was bad. I look back and I'm just really fucking humiliated. Yeah, yeah. But hey, at least you, it's kind of nice that you didn't know to feel that way at the time. You know what I mean? It's adorable. By the way, this liquid death, which we love, liquid death, somebody dropped it and I couldn't, look how it opened.

I need like a pen or a marker. Eldest for our guest.

And while Joe... Eldest, why don't you read this for the people? Have you found a nice passage? It's pretty long. I'm sorry. It's not that pedophilic, but it's gay. Okay, okay. It's like pedophilia. I'm like, okay, I see what you're saying. All right, just give us some highlights then. Did you fix it, by the way? I did, yeah. You want to get that back? It's all yours. It's kind of reached.

It's all yours. All right, let's do a close reading. Basically, the swing of this poem, when I heard it at the close of the day, he's like, you know, when people... Just highlight a couple gay lines for us and we can move on. For the one I love most, by sleeping by me under the same cover in the cool night, in the stillness and the autumn moonbeams, his face was inclined toward me. His face. And his arm lay lightly around my breast, and that night I was happy. Okay, nice. Nice.

Sweet little image of, you know. And that's a child he's talking about. It's something we don't know yet, but. We don't know, but I'm going to say yeah. Or I'm going to say on the brink of 18 or something. Some of that ballpark. Well, look, this is the 1800s. Yeah. Things are different. Well, I think like Romeo and Juliet, I know they were earlier than the 1800, but they were like eight and seven or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Juliet was four and a half. Romeo was a 38-year-old man. But

But they had a real connection. I think they legitimately were like 12. Yeah, 13. 13, man. Look, back in the day, it was like you could start fucking, you know,

These people, like, they're basically animals back then. They're animals in, like, capes and jewels and shit. Yeah. But the second you could fuck, they just did. Yeah, what was a girl gonna do after 13 back then? Yeah, you were a grown-up at 13. Imagine being one of the, like, you know, imagine being a kid that got pubes late when he was, like, 13 back then. You could, like, die in a battle with a fucking hairless dick. You could be some serf that's, like, conscripted into an army. Yeah.

The ages back then are like just wild what everyone looks like. There's like a photo of Al Capone when he was 40 that he looks 75. Yeah. What's his name? Richard Castellano who plays Clemenza in The Godfather is literally like 38 years old. Yeah.

Like, pull up Clemenza the Godfather. I think he's 38, 39. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah. No, they look horrible. I mean, the cast of... Look at him. He's in his 30s. I'm not kidding. I mean, yeah. The cast of Cheers, I just saw something where it was like, Frasier is like 29. Yeah.

in cheers. It's fucking weird, dude. Yeah, very odd. We're looking youthful. Wait, this guy's in his 30s? Yeah, I could see that, I think. I think that adds up. Fucking quiet down with your shoulder hair over there, motherfucker. Don't be sniping on Eldest finally got the courage to wear a tank top day, motherfucker. Yeah, I did. I didn't realize I pulled up a guy that looks awfully similar to Scott Rasmussen.

I don't know. I think this guy looks pretty good, all things considered. If I were him, maybe I'd grow my hair out, maybe do a little mustache to kind of... Probably a bad pick on my part. This is worse than my... Is this the biggest house you've ever seen? Yeah, Clemenza looks pretty good. That's the point you were making, right, Joe? It's crazy how much more youthful people were in the 70s.

No one did get this fat, though, in the 70s. It was like, you look at John Belushi, and it was like, you see him, and he was like a guy who I would kill to be in that shape. Oh, yeah. And he was like the fattest guy of all time. Laurel and Hardy, he wasn't that fat. Even George Costanza in the 90s. There was like a million fat jokes. He was straight up not fat. Yeah, exactly. Like, by today's standards, he is not fat. No, he looks pretty good. Like, he's shirtless. There's no, like, fucking... He's got little titties. Very little titties. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, what can you do? We're all getting worse. Yeah, who cares? Laurel. Yeah, I mean, he's pretty fat, but that's, you know, the 30s. Yeah, I mean, I would love to be Laurel, or I guess Hardy is the fat one, or Laurel.

I think Hardy's the fat one. Hardy's the fat one. I believe. Should be. Hardy. Yeah, the name is Hardy. Yeah. Hardy Tech. Hello, folks. Little and Hardy, that's your dick's name and my dick's name, Eldis. Oh. Too soon. Where'd you get little? From Laurel. Starts with an L, ends with an L sound. Shut the fuck up. Mute your own mic for five minutes. Put yourself in timeout, motherfucker. Yeah. Um...

Yeah, Joe, I don't know if you noticed, Patrick Swayze is on my podcast.

Tank top. I love that shirt. And you have a story about your mom wanting to fuck Patrick. Yeah, from watching Dirty Dancing. Oh, Dirty Dancing. Not Point Break? Still to this day. Oh, Point Break was still... Well, I think I referenced it in the joke. Yeah, you do. My dad brought home Point Break. I was like, no, no. That's the tag. Not with mom in the house. She saw my special this year's material on YouTube right now. No, he is hot, but my mother still, even after that joke, if you bring him up, she'll go, mmm. She's still...

It's just like straight up... She's straight up like cucking my dad with Swayze. It's horrible. I feel terrible. And Keanu, nothing... Keanu's a piece of... There's a lot of stuff to jack off to as a middle-aged woman in that movie. I jerked off to Lori Petty when I was a kid. I was really into Lori Petty. When she's putting the pants on with the towel, that was like a big deal to me. Tank... She's also Tank Girl, right? Yeah. Yeah. But when she was...

Even in A League of Their Own, I think she's hot. She's so fucking hot in Point Break. Yeah, yeah. She's incredible in Point Break. I've argued with Norman about this. He doesn't see it. He doesn't think she's hot? Well, now you get some photos of her. She looks like my father. Yeah.

I mean, those eyes. She's got those weird eyes and her voice is kind of... It's someone who's just strange. Someone who's strange and hot is better than conventional and hot. Yeah. Because it's like mesmerizing. She's shirt... That open shirt and she's teaching him how to surf. Yeah, Point Break's awesome. Sexy movie. It's a hot movie. Very fun movie. Some of the best movies are like where even the main actors kind of want to fuck each other. Right. I mean, like Keanu and Swayze in this one...

That's the main romance. It's like how Heat is like, at the end of the... If at the very end, instead of shooting each other, they started fucking each other in the ass, I'd believe it. It would work. It would literally work. It works. If Pacino fucks him in the ass and then kills him, it would be like, yeah, that makes sense. The most unrealistic part of that movie is when they're playing a bunch of guys in their 30s and 40s playing full contact...

football on the beach with like offensive lines and stuff and then Laurie Petty's in the mix like what these guys are like complete psychopaths all muscled out and they're just like yeah we'll just let her play also yeah yeah yeah yeah fucking tackling each other she's you know a small shifty back speed back I guess so you know a very weird football scene in the Utah you see the Utah gun

I did, yes. Were they playing double football? Yeah. There's two quarterbacks. You didn't like the new Top Gun? No. I thought it was ridiculous. I was the only guy that didn't like it. I don't know. I thought it was good, but not great. No, it's... It was fine. Fucking silly, but... Silly. I don't want to lose everybody. Go watch my special. I like what you like. Whatever you like, I also like.

Have you seen Oppenheimer? I just saw it, yeah. What did you think of Oppenheimer? It was all right. I thought it was okay. I thought the middle hour was like a masterpiece. We're with you. Yeah. We did Barbie and Oppenheimer back to back. I haven't seen Barbie yet. I'm going to see it tomorrow in Cayman, I think. But you can't tap the screen at the movie theater. So when they test the ball, I was with Luke Monis, and I was like, this is fucking amazing.

I felt like proud to be an American. Fuck Japan. I was like, this is great. I was hugging cops and everything. And I was like, this is unbelievable. And I thought the movie was over. And then the driving plot is, can he keep his security code? I don't care. I don't give a fuck at all. And then all of a sudden it just, you know, it turned into like,

The last hour of the movie turned into now Robert Downey Jr. is the villain? Right. I thought he was just like a device. And it was like, how did he become the villain? He's just some guy. Yeah. It was kind of... I had some problems with it, but I also would have liked to see Oppenheimer be more of a dickhead because they built him up like a dickhead or they said he was. Yes. But he didn't do anything that bad except...

Cuck all of his friends But in the movies That's cool Yeah yeah Like Maybe Nolan thought Like oh These moral people They'll know that Cucking your friends wives Is wrong But like In a movie The guy built a bomb And got pussy That's cool A nerd that gets pussy And it's You know We're getting to see Florence Pugh's tits

They were awesome. She was cool. You know, we're not going to be mad at a guy for fucking a hot girl. That makes you cool in movie logic and in, let's be honest, life. Unless you ruin someone's life. No, I loved the tits. Yeah, I was big on the tits. And I thought Damon was fun. I thought it was... Damon was good. Yeah. I got a little distracted with Josh Peck being there. Who's Josh Peck? He's... I guess you don't... Do you mean Josh Hartnett? No, no. Josh...

What the fuck is his name? Drake and Josh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a little... Who's that? He was in some, like... Yeah, Josh Peck, this guy. He was in some, like, Disney thing. Used to be this kid. Like, yeah. If you're in your mid-30s, you know this guy is the fat kid from a Disney Channel show. Right. And so it was just so weird to see him have this little minor role. But I thought...

The Safdie brother was good. I mean, pretty much everyone was good. And I liked Hartnett, actually. I thought Hartnett was actually perfectly cast as kind of a conservative, but not really. You know what I mean? Like a scientist, but he's got those conservative good looks. Who's like, stop with all this commie bullshit, Oppenheimer. Was being a communist supposed to be bad? Was that supposed to make us think Oppenheimer was bad? I don't think so. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they were trying... I'm not saying that was the plot. No, no, no. Within the plot, but I mean for the viewing audience. Because they did this whole thing about like, oh, Oppenheimer is such... He's smart, but he's a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. And he didn't really feel like a piece of shit to me. No, he seemed quite likable. Also, I think...

Jews is the only race you can have played by someone clearly not Jewish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he just has, like, crystal clear blue eyes, like the most Irish eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's like, I mean... I know. I'm not offended, but it's just a little weird. They had him like, and we're gonna bomb Japan, and you just had Josh Hartnett with, like, Scotch tape. Well, yeah, yeah. They didn't put a big fucking nose on Murphy. So...

They're like, nah, it's not realistic. Let's get a witch's nose. Let's run to Party City. Can we put a couple horns on them? Yes, that is interesting that you kind of get a pass. You could pretty much be anyone and portray... As long as you have dark hair. Yeah, dark curly hair. But no, it's a fun movie and...

the build up yeah was really something I also thought it was a little unnecessarily confusing they didn't put the years in so it was only later that I was like oh that was 1954 the only years I was sure of was when they were like okay the Nazis are in Poland okay got it we're in 40 but I also realized I'm stupid and I was like oh Hitler killed himself like

pretty early into the... There was a little chunk of time after Hitler killed himself where the war kept going. Oh, yeah. Because there is something where it's like... Because that's a big turning point in the movie, too. It's like, hey, that fucking German pussy offed himself. We don't need the bomb anymore. And they're like, no, no, no. We need the fucking bomb. Did you know... I was just watching...

the documentary on CNN about Nixon. And there's a couple of them. It's actually on HBO Max now, but there's also an HBO one called Nixon by Nixon. It's just his recordings because he decided to record everything. Oh, yeah. He says some awesome stuff. He's with Kissinger and he's like, can't we drop the nuclear bomb? And Kissinger's like, that feels a little much. And he's like, well, think big, Henry. Yeah.

And he goes, you keep worrying about the civilians. I'm not worried about the goddamn civilians. Like Nixon wanted to drop the fucking H-bomb on Vietnam. Yeah.

Imagine Henry Kissinger being like, let's take it down a notch. For me, these are too many war crimes. Now, let's illegally bomb Cambodia for no reason. He's like, all right, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right. That's fair. That's a nice middle ground. And then he's also in there. He's like, you can't trust a Jew. They'll turn on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Kissinger is Jewish. And then they have the...

when he supposedly had a peace treaty with Vietnam, there's another audio clip where he's like, we threw the best party the White House has ever seen. Negro girls kissing me on the face. You've never seen anything like it. He's like, I just saw the Negro girls staring at me.

He's like, there's never been anything like it. He's like, you can't believe it. It's crazy. This is like recording. I'm not even joking. I know. Well, there's some great... His recordings are great. There's a great LBJ recording about how his dick is too big for his pants or something. Oh, that's hilarious. It's literally... You can find it and play it. Try and find that. And by the way, I'll just look up Hitler's death date, April 30th, 1945. Okay. So we went on for a little bit. Wait, who was it? Who's the dick talk? LBJ. LBJ. There's also a great video of...

Bobby Kennedy talking to Governor Wallace and Wallace is just he's just using the N-word as you would buy people. And he's like, these N-words, you can't give them any power. He's like, they can't just run a town. And Bobby Kennedy doesn't correct him, but he's like, no, no, they can. He's like, I'm telling you they can. Which I understand in the time it wasn't worth trying to correct, but it's just so funny that he's like, I'm not even going to touch this. We're going to pass on that. He's like, a

Sure, but I'm telling you, I think they could run for mayor. I think they could. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they might be able to pull it off. Yeah, play this.

Play this, Elders. Love Elders. God forbid you would have had it, you know. No, I don't know. You all just guessed at them. I think so, but once you have the measurements there, I can send you a pair. I want them a half inch larger in the waist than they were before, except I want two or three inches of stuff left back in there so I can take them up. I vary 10 to 15 pounds a month.

So leave me at least two and a half, three inches in the back where I can let them out or take them up. And make these a half inch bigger in the waist. Make the pockets at least an inch longer. Okay, what's he going to do? My money and my knife and everything fall out. Wait just a minute. Okay. Now, the pockets, when you sit down in the chair, the knife and your money comes out. So I need at least another inch in the pockets. Yeah.

Now, another thing, the crotch down where your nuts hang is always a little too tight. So when you make them up, give me an inch that I can let out there because they cut me. It's just like riding a wire fence. These are almost the best that I've had anywhere in the United States. But when I gain a little weight, they cut me under there. So leave me...

You never do have much margin there. Let's see if you can't believe me about it. Good news from the where the zippery.

uh, round, uh, under my back to my bunghole. So I can let it out there if I need to. Anyway, that's fine. He's also got another quote about how it was like stockings ruined finger fucking LBJ used to get pussy, man. I saw, I just saw on the Google search, he nicknamed his penis jumbo. Um,

Yeah, the American presidential penis nicknamed the Jumbo. He also kind of like, he, have you seen pictures of him? Like, because after he decides not to run again, that motherfucker kind of like, he grew his hair out. He was like going, it's weird. Look up like very old LBJ, LBJ old retire. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at him, dude. He looks like grandma.

He must have just been like, damn, I killed. He looks like De Niro in Kid Fear. Yeah, he really does. He really does. I am like God. God like I. It's just so funny that even presidents, when they retire, they're like, fuck it, dude, I'm growing my hair out. He's the, yeah, he looks awesome in there. He looks like Jimmy Buffett for real. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. What do you think of LBJ? Civil Rights Act, all that good stuff. Yeah, I think he... Did a lot of good things. I think he was a very... Yeah, he was an incredibly impressive president who fully... It just goes to show you what happens when a guy understands how to use the legislature. Right. And it's like, he just would muscle shit through and he would just like, literally like put his... Like, he would literally just like...

I think he used to have meetings in a sauna to literally intimidate people with how big his dick was. He would have meetings in the pool and in the sauna, and he would stand right up on you. Yeah, he's fucking sick. And probably didn't have anything to do with killing Kennedy, but if he did, that's kind of cool. I mean, it's not good, but it's cool if he did.

I feel like he didn't, but... But who knows, man? Yeah, you never know. You never know. Boy, you're getting on the RFK train, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that guy... RFK is like if somebody killed... If the CIA killed your uncle, you're allowed to believe anything, any crazy bullshit you want, is kind of what I think. I guess. He said his dad and uncle...

His dad... Wait, which... Bobby Kennedy? Bobby, yeah. He says the CIA killed both of them. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, the CIA kills your dad and uncle. It's like, you get to say whatever you want about Chinese and Jewish people. You're just like, I'm not voting for you for president, but you kind of get a pass on conspiracy theories if...

Probably both your dad and uncle were killed by their government, and he was the president and running for president. You think the CIA killed the Kennedys? I think something real fucked up happened for sure. All right. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fun one to just kind of dip into. Yeah, yeah. I love a dip. Yeah. I mean, JFK, one of my favorite films of all time. Oh, yeah. That one's awesome. Because you've never been fucked in the ass. Kevin Bacon, best performance ever.

You're a good looking man, Mr. Garrison. Unbelievable. Great, great film. Pesci's awesome in that. Everyone's in there. Tommy Lee Jones, Frank Whaley, John Candy. I might have to throw, oh yeah, John Candy. Yeah. I just watched that. It's awesome. Like his movies are like music videos or something where you could kind of like

I watched that movie over the course of like three different days, like an hour at a time. Yeah. And I feel like you can just watch it in the background, but you still just know exactly what's going on when you jump back in. It's amazing. Wayne Knight is in it and his name is Pneuma. Pneuma. Not Newman.

Isn't that weird? And then they spoofed JFK on Seinfeld. That's right. Isn't that weird? That is very weird. And then what's her toes? You know who? Fucking Jackie from Roseanne. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Why can't I think of her name right now? I'm embarrassed. I know who you're talking about, though. It just kind of looks like she's frowning. Yeah. Laurie Metcalf. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate myself. That's okay. Yeah. Behind yourself. Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah, yeah. Everybody's in there. Gary Oldman. Yep. Good stuff.

Another thing with Oppenheimer that was so funny is when they dropped Kennedy's name like it was a new Marvel character. Oh, yeah. I saw it coming. Like it was the Joker. It was weird because it felt like he did treat Oppenheimer. He used a couple tricks he used on the Prestige and then the Dark Knight. It felt a little, at times, comic book-y. Well, they deliver that line like we're all supposed to be like this...

And also, they could have left it at some young junior senator from Boston. Like, to me, it's like, we got it. Like, everyone's going to get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Ever hear of him? Yeah, yeah. And also, I keep seeing people be like, on Twitter, that last line, that last moment, the ending, that Nolan ending. But it wasn't that meaningful to me because A.

80 years have passed. He's like, remember we said we might have just started a thing that's going to end the world? I believe we did. And I'm not saying nuclear holocaust is off the menu. We could all still die of that. But it's like, 80 years has passed. If we die of nuclear holocaust, it's not really on Oppenheimer at this point. Someone else would have. That would have had to have happened in 1957 for that to have been like, whoa. And in a weird way, he was hoping that like,

You know, he was like, well, maybe no one will fight ever again. And it's like, that definitely hasn't happened. But yeah, it hasn't been a nuclear holocaust. You're right. No one fucking launched nukes. It's like, you know, India and Pakistan have them. Right. Like pointed at each other. It's just like we survived the Cold War, all that shit.

I like the stuff where it was like, he's old as shit and finally getting the Medal of Honor. But anyway, we don't have to talk. I have some problems with it, but we can talk. I have a couple more problems with it, but we can talk. The good people, we'll put this in the description. Go see Oppenheimer. I'm sure everyone has seen it by then. You're right. It's actually one of the few movies where everyone has seen. Yeah, it's been out for a month. It was good. It was fun. Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer.

Fuck, I had something I wanted to ask you, but I don't remember now anymore. Fuck, I bet it was good. It was so fucking good, dude. LBJ, Nixon...

Well, I'm not a crook. You know, Kissinger, another guy that proves karma's not real, just gets to live forever. Also, like... Is he alive? He's alive still, dude. Really? Dude, he looks horrible. It's so funny. Look at the big fucking fat old frog. Kissinger and Cheney, those guys both just go. And Kissinger apparently got a lot of pussy.

No kidding. I know. You know what's crazy? He's 100 years old. He's fucking 100 years old, dude. You know what's crazy is in that famous Nixon speech to his staff, you know that famous speech, which is a beautiful speech. Yeah. You see Ben Stein is there. He's like, he's crying. Oh, that's right. He's a speech writer. He's a speech writer and he's sitting there crying. Yeah. But Nixon's speech to his staff is like, it's like Twitter. He's like, if people hate you, it's no big deal until you hate them.

Then you destroy yourself. It's like internet trolls. Yeah, yeah. It's like, don't worry about them. It's like, when you get mad at them, that's when you die. Meanwhile, it's like, yeah, he was trying to fix an election. You know what I mean? It's not like, hey, don't worry what they say. It's what's important.

you know, it's like, yeah, they were criminals in his, in his white house. I love that. He's like, you guys won't have Nixon to kick around anymore. Well, you are like fucking like bugging it off. It's not like the media. He's like, you media, you sons of bitches. You're like, I mean, this is really wild what you got going on. You're trying to drop a nuclear bomb. You're trying to, yeah. You're just trying to bomb Vietnam. And also, um, the funniest thing about that is like, he was criminalized.

crushing that election. He didn't need to cheat. Right, right. He just was pathological with it. Only Massachusetts, everyone talks about Massachusetts being racist in this horrible place, especially you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only state that carried McGovern in 72. Look at that. What do you think about how you like me now? Respect. Yeah, baby. Yeah. There's that story, you hear the story about John Lennon where he thought McGovern was going to win for sure, which is true.

because he's like, you know, a guy who's everything he's ever wanted has gone right. Yeah, fingers on the pulse. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh, he's good. And then there's this, I heard a really weird story on like, I don't know, a documentary or something where he was so distraught, he just found the woman and fucked her. Nice. And it's like,

He just like found the woman outside, brought her in his hotel and fucked her. And it's like they were kind of glossing over that. It was like, that's not rape. I mean, I know he's John Lennon, but you feel comfortable sharing that anecdote in a documentary. Imagine all the pussy. You better not say no. It is funny how much his son looks exactly like him. And he is also half Japanese.

This is a good episode. We went deep on Oppenheimer and then like 70s politics. Yeah. We're losing everybody. That's what you get here at Stabby's World. It's unpredictable, folks. Yeah. But here's the thing.

Now, after we kind of taught the people something, you know, Walt Whitman, pedophile. Yes. LBJ, huge penis. They speak again. Huge penis, great politician. Henry Kissinger, got pussy. This is basically an AP U.S. history course, and now we're going to transition to an AP psychology course, and we're going to solve everyone's problems. How do you feel, Joe? I love solving problems. Let's do it. Eldest, hit us with a fucking question, baby boy. Savvy, what's going on, man?

I've just got a little predicament. My girl won't duck my dick. She says she's done it like once or twice before in her whole life. We've talked about this, and I've explained that like something that I need and whatever, and she just says that she's uncomfortable. She doesn't know what she would be doing, and that her gag reflex is super sensitive. Right. So, yeah, I was just hoping for some advice to see how we could patch this up because...

you know, kind of something I'm missing, but appreciate it, man. Find you a new bitch, my man.

Wait, isn't there like a new term for this, Gen Z, when you claim you don't know how to do something to get out of it? I think it's a new buzz Gen Z term. Oh, I don't know this. About weaponized ignorance or something like that. Oh, okay. It's called something like that. Well, listen. The idea of like, I don't know how. We're not weaponizing not sucking dick around here. This truly is, that's a crazy move. I'm sorry. First of all, okay. Standard question, do you eat pussy? Because if you're eating pussy...

She's got no like to stand on here. Right. But if you're not... And now some girls will be like, I don't like... There's a lot of like people... Like, you know, when I was younger, right? Like, I feel like as you get older, people stop being self-conscious. But some girls are like self-conscious about their pussies. So like, well, I don't want you to go down on me. And they're like, well, if you're not going down on me, I'm not sucking dick. And then it's like this weird, but...

Buddy, you know, a relationship is all about, you know, setting your boundaries in a healthy way. Make, you know, saying what you need. And frankly, if you need to get your dick sucked, that's a valid concern. Is everything else good with your relationship? Because if, you know, if it's not, if it is, then you have something to think about. If there's even one, I would have a hair trigger if someone's not sucking dick. I'd be like, you didn't get me a water? Yeah.

It's over. You know what I mean? Basically, you're already playing with like... You're the little Mario. If you're not sucking dick in a relationship, you're the little Mario. You're not the big Mario with the mushroom. You're definitely not the fireballs. If you suck awesome dick, you're a freak. You're the fireballs Mario and the tanooki suit Mario all in one. Bowser has to hit you four times for you to die. But if you're not sucking dick, you're little Mario. A Koopa, a stray Koopa glance will kill you in my relationship if you're not sucking dick.

I'm also wondering, do they have sex a lot? Because like my wife, I'm married. You're married, sure. Yeah. So I can get a blowjob if I really ask and go, hey. And my wife's very good. She's like, you know what? You're due. It's been a while. Right, right, right, right, right. I don't need to get blown that off if I'm having sex. You know what I mean? You put on an outfit. You fucking have her call your dad's name. You can mix it up in other ways. Yeah.

So if everything's going great and you're getting laid, you know, but Patrice had a great joke. Remember his bit about his girl didn't want to suck him off, but then she gets mad if I cheat. And he's like, so you have just decided for me. I don't get my favorite thing anymore. He's like, how is that fair? He's like, let me, you have to, one or the other. You have to suck me off or you have to let me go get my dick sucked.

I just can't lose out on the number one thing I want. Hey, listen. I fully agree. Yeah. I'm actually not with you here, Joe. I kind of would like to get my dick... I don't have to get my dick sucked in every instance of sex, but I'd like to get as part of... Every instance? You're talking four or five blowjobs a week? I'm just saying if I'm going to fuck...

I'd like my dick popped in there just for a little hi, how you doing? Not to completion, but just as a little pep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, let's get everything as hard as possible. You know, once I'm in the pussy, I'm good. But it's almost like, you know. A token of appreciation. Exactly. A little hi, how you doing? And by the way, I'm eating pussy pretty much every time.

Right. Now, if I'm in a relationship, again, you're like you're in a relationship. You just kind of like, you know, you're rolling over. You might knock one out before work. But if I'm just if I'm trying to if it's like I've gotten drinks with someone or they're just coming over and we're going to hang out.

I'm eating some pussy. I'm getting my dick sucked. I'm having the whole... But I'm also kind of a glutton in everything. Right. The way I like... It's like basically what I'm talking about is I love an appetizer with every meal. And that's what I see. I like fries on the side. I like a... So I like a little blowjob.

And then you eat a little pussy, finger a butt, get your butt tickled, whatever it is, get your nuts sucked, and then we fuck. I'm talking to a guy that's not in a long-term relationship here. You're right. I mean, this guy, it sounds like he's in a long-term thing. You can't be doing a 45-minute try-everything buffet. No, not every time, but he's saying she just will not suck.

You got to have one of those a week. And he's not, he doesn't sound, he doesn't sound old. He doesn't sound like he's married. He sounds like a young guy. What it sounds like to me is someone who hasn't got two young people and maybe his girl, now look, maybe she'll never suck dick, but there's a little, there's a little, same thing with guys that don't eat pussy. It's like, grow up.

There's a little bit of like, just grow up, suck a little dick, eat a little pussy. Yes, it's not, you know, it doesn't taste as good as a fucking blow pop. It tastes like meat. And maybe your dick's not clean. Can you do something to clean up your dick? That could be something. You know what I'm saying? The issue I have is she doesn't know what she would be doing. I mean, that's where...

I don't know this term, but it's very weaponized ignorance. That's the term I'm going with. I like that. I don't know how to do it. And you're like, well, why don't you fucking learn? You can watch a video. You can Google. Or how about this? Practice. Practice. On me. On my siblings. A couple different... Yeah. Suck off my friend until you're ready. And a blowjob's not all that difficult. Pretty straightforward. And the gag reflex, too. It's like you don't have to go that deep to get a blowjob. No, you don't. Just go...

Give it a little pop, pop, pop. Yeah. A little jerk and suck. You could really do a lot with the head in a jack off motion. If you need, Eldis will teach your girlfriend how to suck dick. He's got plenty of experience.

Yeah, I'll have her put a strap-on on and show her exactly what I would do. We offer that service to Patreon, $20 a month Patreon subscribers. Once a year, Eldest will suck off your girlfriend with a strap-on of you provided. We're not breaking the bank on a strap-on, but a non-toxic strap-on. Eldest will put on a strawberry-flavored condom on it and show your girlfriend how to suck dick.

at Eldest Fest. We need our own fucking festival. And we're going to call it Eldest Fest. And they'll be the eldest teachers. Your girl how to suck dick boots. Just all day. Like you hanging in there? Yeah, I'm alright. Yeah, I'm good, man. Okay, guys, don't throat fuck for the last time. Don't throat fuck Eldest. Okay? He'll give you the thumbs up.

So yeah, I don't know. Now, okay, let's give him some advice here. Because I mean, but you're right. In a long-term, like very, you know, like you're married, you're in a groove. It's like a blowjob is a little bit more of a special occasion thing. Don't they sound young to you? I don't know. He sounds kind of young to me. I think they're young. I think if a girl says, I have a gag reflex, so I'm not sucking dick. It's like, come on. What am I, a fucking baby? I don't know.

My dick is small. Yeah. That's the thing. I don't think my dick is ever a fucking gag reflex risk. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I think you should just be like, if you're not eating pussy, eat pussy. If your dick is dirty, clean your dick. Basically, don't give her any outs. And also be like, hey, look, I've actually, I've said this before, when I've dated people sometimes, I've had a conversation where I'm like,

I saw the writing on the wall where somebody I was dating wanted to like, all right, we're out of the honeymoon phase. Sure. I'm going to stop blowing you. And I was just like, you're not. Yeah. Like, look, I'm out here eating pussy. I got a crick in my neck and I'm powering through it. You got to suck me off a little bit. And you don't have to. And a lot of the sticking point is usually come in the mouth. Yeah. That's a sticky point. Yeah.

You don't got to bust in the mouth. I'm not an animal. If you don't like... Now, some are big fans. And that's a cool girlfriend to have. That's the best. That's one of the best styles of girlfriend to have. But if you're not, I'm not. I'm no animal. Fine. I'll bust wherever. Or I don't even have to... We can... You can... So it can be the intro to sex, but...

I think it's a little... My real-life situation is it's a little early to be cutting off head. And if they're not down, you know, from my perspective, you have to kind of... Everything is pros and cons. You have to kind of list it out. But no head is like three cons. It takes three pros to cancel out that many cons. Yeah. In my opinion. Kick that fucking bitch to the curb. Yeah.

Amen, Eldest. You said it, brother. Next question. Good luck, buddy. Avi. Man, oh man, am I in need of some advice. Okay. There's a call in desperation. 30 years old.

I got my career going, I got a home, got my dogs. Nice. You know, I think like I'm in a place to really just like date somebody like normal for once. Somebody stable. Okay. Getting turned up. With a job. I'm not asking for a ton. I keep dating these dudes that like need like deep psychotherapy to the point

I really try not to find you guys. Like, I literally just went out with a therapist. He's a licensed therapist. Alan? Yeah. Here I am thinking, oh, he's got some insight. This is great. It goes great. We're having a good time. We are fucking, and he needs to stop, and he starts crying. Damn, dude. Yeah.

That sucks. Pause this. How does this happen? Like how? This is a real blow for us as a pro therapy podcast. When she's talking about a therapist that's just a fucking pussy. It's like, come on, you can't bust, you know what I mean? You're crying in the middle of sex and then some guy has, you have to go help someone else's problems.

That's a tough L for us. That's tough for us. We are a pro-therapy, but just like everything else, some therapists are not that good at their jobs. That's my Alan, our therapist. Okay, so you got sad while you were fucking. I'm about to come. Let's finish it off. Sorry, Eld. Sadly, this isn't the first time that's happened. I tend to find these

really broken souls. - Oh no. - And I really need to get away from it. I'm trying to protect my peace, but I'm protecting my peace to the point where I might need to be asexual. And you know, that's a waste. - No, no, no, not asexual. - We got some joy to give to the world. - Sure. - If you have any advice on how to proceed and stop having these encounters.

That really are hilarious stories, but, like, they're not good for my mental health. Appreciate any and all advice. Love you guys. That's so interesting because I've never thought of this from the flip side, from, like, the girl's perspective. Because, like...

If a girl starts crying, you're like, oh my God, like what the fuck is going on? It's one of the saddest things possible. And a guy starts crying during sex. I'm like, I'm thinking, I'm like, come on, dude. Fucking. Well, I do get emotional. And you start crying. Sometimes.

I mean, I don't start crying. I'm not a fucking bitch, but I can see you're very vulnerable during sex. That's true. You're very vulnerable. And sometimes I get a weird intrusive thought. I start thinking about other stuff. Guys fucking your ass. Yeah, I think about it. You're like, what if this was a man's ass? That would be so much better. What if a man's dick was in my mouth? Stuff like that. Yeah, just really young men. Yeah.

Fit men. Fit guys. What if the lacrosse team came through and just fucked my ass, put one of those big goalie sticks in my ass, and then started playing catch with it while it was inside of me? That kind of stuff, right? But yeah, I mean, I get emotional. I mean, ha-ha, ha-ha, everything's a joke to you. But everything's got to be a punchline with you. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

I'm trying to help a lady out here. Maybe it's her, though. True. Also, you're making multiple people cry during sex. Yeah, does your pussy... It sounds like you have bad pussy. What if someone's got such bad pussy you start crying? You're like, I've wasted a nut on this. This hurts. It's loose and it hurts somehow. And it's dry and big.

Yeah, do you have a big, dry, loose pussy? Maybe that's part of it. I would start crying if I took a nice dick pill, dealing with that dick pill headache. I've wasted a whole dick pill on a loose, big pussy. I feel bad for her, but it sounds like she might be interested. It sounds like she's trying to see if you'll... I probably would fuck her, yeah, to be a good friend. She sounds hot. She sounds, she's got a hot voice. Yeah, very sexy.

Okay, but yes, you actually are. So I'm sorry to accuse you of being a closeted homosexual when you're opening up about sex. No, it's fine. Zoom in on that wrist motion, Eldest. Whatever, I don't know. Just grow up.

That's old school. I didn't think you could do that. Yeah, yeah. No, you're not allowed. But yes, I could. I guess I could. I guess I've never cried. In sex, I'm just like, I'm so in the zone. I'm like, this fucking rocks. It's the one time I don't have to think. And I'm just like, I'm trying to bust. That's all I'm trying to do. Wow. You know? So, but definitely I've probably, now don't get me wrong, maybe something hit me

A day later from an encounter where I got bummed out and I started, you know, maybe not crying, but being like, damn, I shouldn't have fucked her or, you know, something gotten sad. Sure. But during, you know, I guess I could absolutely see it, especially who knows what kind of, you know, trauma people have around sex, all this kind of stuff.

But you hit on something where it's like, if this is happening to you over and over again, you're doing something to kind of get... Maybe it's your circle. Maybe it's where you're dating. You know what I mean? Maybe it's like, are you going around all the same? I feel like we had a question on a different episode where someone was talking about how...

Guys just aren't hitting on her anymore, but she's only going out in a very insular Brooklyn scene or whatever. So you might need to get away from the normal types of guys that you're hooking up with. We said it on that episode, but it's like,

Go to a different style of place. You know what I mean? Maybe check out Harlem, for example. I don't think any of those fellows are going to be shedding any tears. No, they're not going to be crying or sticking around. If you have a kid, stuff like that, you know. They'll be like, shoot. Yeah, they might say stuff like that, but...

You know, and that's just one example. I assume you don't live in Harlem. I wasn't saying, you know, any type of guy. I'm just saying go to a different neighborhood and fuck whoever happens to be there. Maybe a Greek guy. Come to Astoria. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Eastern Europeans fresh off the boat. They aren't crying during sex. You could tug on their shoulder hair. Look at what Eldis has going on. You could clasp onto that shit while he's really giving it to you. Not Eldis. This feels awesome. I was walking outside. I was like, whoa, my shoulder hair feels awesome. I got the wind.

on me welcome to tank top it's a tank top island eldest it's nice to have you thank you i like that hair it's nice yeah just just a nice bush on your shoulder i know it's it's so up and i've had it like what since high school or you have yeah no you've had it since eighth grade probably you put a little clit on the top of his shoulder and zoom in yeah yeah you wouldn't be able to tell you wouldn't be able to tell it wasn't a pussy

But yeah, I think you need to get out of your dating, like whatever pattern you're in. And the irony is, I would say go to a therapist about this. Because I do think therapy is important when you have a specific thing you want to work on. And this is one of those things, like breaking this pattern of like, I keep attracting these people.

types of guys that are too emotional, trying to trauma bond. Probably it sounds like a little bit, maybe your dates are a little too out in the open. I think, you know,

It sounds like you attract or you go after pretty emotionally vulnerable guys. It's weird to tell someone to be like, why don't you try dating someone who's emotionally unavailable? You know what I mean? But it does sound like you have to oscillate a little bit towards that instead of these very open, very open to therapy. Go date a construction worker. Go date a... Someone Irish. Go date an Irish guy. Go date a bloated drunk. Also, maybe you could open yourself up to...

consoling this man. Maybe that's what you need is somebody, you know, instead of just laughing at him and saying, what a dork, this is silly. Maybe, you know, maybe you could console him and you could connect on a deep level. Get yourself a nice soy boy that cries. I don't think she wants that though. It sounds like she's done a little too much of that. That's my read on it, right? Where she's like, I'm ready to, but you're right. I guess that's true. Think about it. Like, don't make this necessarily a deal breaker, but I also think

That's why I say go date a couple other styles of guys. Because it's like maybe you find out that, yeah, you know what? I should have been controlling these soy boys. I'm a soy girl. These are my guys. But I think you have to go do a little taste of everything before you know what's up. And that's part of dating too is like seeing what different kinds of people that you might be. You don't even have to fuck all these people, obviously. But just like you could if you're cool. But like...

You could just go out on a date, see if you have any chemistry with like someone from a different background, different, you know, just different than the guys you're into. If you if you're dating in the same scene, get somewhere else, go to a different part of the city, swipe different, take some chances on a couple of swipes.

I feel like women, when women say they can't find a normal guy too, it's like, okay, well, you gotta ask yourself, like, what you want out of, like, dating, you know? Are you trying to settle down? Is she feeling, like, fed up or restless? Because she's like, what, did she say her age? She's like 30 or something. She's 30. 30.

She says her life is pretty... Basically, the conceit is her life's finally pretty good. She's in a place where she can date and feel good about herself. But she keeps attracting very... Almost too emotionally open guys or therapists who are... And everyone cries. And look, in this hypothetical, we've ruled out that your pussy is not so bad that it makes them cry. But that, you know, it's a possibility. So I think it's important to add, too...

That women, some people think 30 is old. You're not old. 30 is very young. My wife, she was 39 when we got married. She's 75 now. We're about to have a kid. It's like 30, I think in this day and age, because of cultural pressure, you feel old. What we were just talking about, how everyone looked older. Yeah. If you look at a 30-year-old from when you were growing up, they looked...

Yes. We are a little bit more youthful and also the way our lives go where it's like no one has a career. No, like exactly. She just settled in. Yeah. And that's something that used to happen to you when you were like 24. You know what I mean? Like she's just feeling good. So yeah, don't feel, don't be uptight about that aspect of it. I'm just saying go, you know, dip your pussy in some different waters. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Don't feel pressure. Don't feel pressure. Enjoy yourself. Suck a couple different styles of dick.

Get another one, Elders. Get another one going, you motherfucker. Get another dick like you like. You fucking queer. Nice, man. Give me a pound on the back end. Yeah, bro. He's going to take that from him, Elders? This guy loves cum. I have a problem. And this is going to sound kind of fake, but I promise it's not. Okay. Down the street from where I live, I live in D.C., live in a cute little neighborhood. Down the street, there's a home for folks.

Nice.

in his either his driveway or in his upstairs window for women to walk by and he says hello lady look at what i have for you and then he exposes himself to them okay he's done this to my wife oh no i mean it's bad either way i find myself in a dilemma sure he is obviously mentally unwell but he's like

showing his cock to people as they walk by and that shit ain't right so like obviously I don't want to go beat this dude up you know kind of the normal response that somebody else is doing that shit so like how does one deal with this please help me deal with this cock showing man thank you Scott love you

He's going to go beat up a fucking insane guy who flashes his cock at his wife. Yeah. He's like, look, I don't know how many more she's got in her before she just goes and sucks it. I mean, also a pretty, I mean, it is a pretty fun way to show someone your dick. Hello, look what I've got for you.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to do here. How would you respond to someone showing a guy who... He says he's mentally unwell, lives in government-assisted housing, and he shows... He works on his driveway or the window. It also feels like... So who's...

He has a house or it's like government housing or is there a front desk person? You could be like, hey, this guy's showing everyone his cock. Yeah, I can't really tell. I know what I would do. I would make a feature film with this guy. I would love to have him on the podcast. If he shows your wife his cock one more time, can you ask him if he'll come do Stavi's World?

Yeah, I don't know. How would you react? In real, you know, let's say someone here in Astoria, there's a chubby black 40-year-old man showing your pregnant wife his cock. I mean, honestly, if this was happening to my wife, I think we would laugh about it a lot. Like, this is crazy. My wife is pretty. I mean, my wife was born in the 70s. She's pretty, like, hardcore. She's seen many men masturbating to her, and she's like, this is crazy. It's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I think I would either take the rock different direction or I would get friends and be like, check this out. I would get all my lady friends together and be like, watch this. You're going to shit. This is great. I'm like, I told you. Once you've seen a dick, it's like you can't get wetter than wet. Once you've seen the dick, no more damage. It could touch you though. That's the damage. But he's up in the second floor, I thought. Sometimes he's on the driveway. Oh, okay. That's a little more threatening. I was picturing like Psycho.

What are you going to do? You charge that to the game. You live in a big city, in my opinion. Here's something I would do. I would videotape his cock. I would just have it as proof and just be like, we got you. Stop. If you really wanted to, you just see how he reacts. Maybe he starts jacking off.

I think you just kind of got to, unless this guy becomes more than like, he's kind of coming at it as like, you show my girl your cock, I'm going to fuck you up, which, hilarious. That's not how that goes, right? It's usually insane people that show women their cocks, and you don't usually fuck them up. You're usually like, all right, they probably smell too bad that you don't want to touch them if they're showing cock publicly. Yeah.

But yeah, if you think he's mentally unwell, then what? You're going to go fight this guy? Unless this guy, unless this ratchets up at all, you kind of have to let it go. And then I'm not really, you know, I don't like to, I don't, you know, Joe will disagree. I know you'd love to call the cops for anything. Yeah. They're perfect arbiters of justice. That's right. I don't really like getting a cop involved in a situation like this because this guy, who knows, could end up dead. Right, Joe? Yeah.

I mean, yeah. Yep. Yes, he could be one of the couple people a year that dies at the hands of the police. But if it really gets worse than that, you just got to have to call the cops, unfortunately. Or like if he lives in some kind of public housing thing or like, you know, you say it's some kind of government thing, like is there someone you could be like, hey...

The guy in 3B is showing his cock to everyone, and they could be like, oh, you know, give him extra pills or whatever the fuck. So...

You're going to have to just kind of take this, I think. Get your girl some pepper spray just to be safe. But I feel like this kind of crazy guy, like, you know, he's not actually going to do shit. He's just showing his cock off. Yeah. Sounds like he's got a... You never... Here's the other thing. This guy might have an awesome dick. Yeah, that's true. And he might be pissed off. Yeah. Like, what if the wife... After he showed the wife or his girlfriend... After that black guy showed his girlfriend his cock, she, like...

stopped coming with sex with him anymore. Like she was just like, his was so much better. It looked so much better. Maybe that's part of the problem. Is he showing all, is he, is your dick now

Kind of can't measure up to this guy's fucking hard-ass, awesome chocolate dick. Get her to fuck the guy. Just rip the band-aid off. Yeah, that's funny. And then you can put it behind you. That's exactly right. Because what's your biggest fear? She fucks him. Let it happen, and then it's all over. Exactly. Once the worst case is over, you can move on with your life. Eldest, you're really on fire today with very good advice.

Let's do another, huh? In short, our advice is get over it, bro. Unless your girlfriend is really upset or something. But if you're the upset one, you have no, that's not on you. You see a dick. You live in a major city. You're going to see some penis.

Yo, what's up, Stav? This is Don. I'm from St. Shit. Anyways. What? Yeah, man. I just want to know if you think I'm making a good life decision here. Probably not. And I have a back story. Going completely blind. When I was 18, I went to a college and just went up to the financial aid office and let them fuck me in the ass for like $130,000. Damn. So, anyways. That's so much money.

Got about half that paid off by selling a house and that when that shit blew up last year or during the pandemic whatever But now I still got some left and I'm burnt out on my corporate job and like six months ago I just straight up like got a bunch of anxiety and I quit that job Straight up and it was really good idea like I feel amazing now, but I still have the rest of those student loans in a mortgage So

I kind of think this is like self-sabotage, but anyways. Okay. So, I have an opportunity to get the rest of those student loans paid off and rent my house out, but it would involve leaving, you know, my family and all my friends behind. What? But it's going to be a really cool opportunity. So, I don't know. What is it? Do you think this is more self-sabotage, or do you think I should go back? To what? I think I'm answering my own question, but do you think I should go back to this corporate hellhole

Because I was making great money and I could pay that stuff off in like a year. Shut up. This guy sucks. But I just don't want to do it ever again. It sucks. Yeah, it sucks, dude. There's probably not enough information here. There isn't. But I don't want to dox myself. There isn't and you're pretty annoying. Anyway.

What do you think? Yeah, dude, this guy's like, should I work for a year and pay off all my problems? Or should I just never get a job? What the fuck are the two options here? Yeah, work for a year, you fucking piece of shit. What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck is this? Yeah, you have to have a fucking job. Who's the dumbass that got $130,000 worth of student loans? It's you, you fucking dick.

And he's like, he's like, I have to leave my family and friends behind. You're a grown man. What are you fucking scared to be away from your mom? Go for a year to pay off your fucking loans. Oh, wow. You have to move to a different fucking city than have complete financial freedom after one year of work. You know the answer, you fucking idiot.

Anything to add? I'm sorry. No, I just don't understand how he can go back. I never had a job. I don't understand. Can he just go back? No, you can't. He didn't give us enough information. He was being annoying in five different ways. I'm a little confused, but St. Shit, I also didn't understand. Yeah, he didn't want to say what, probably St. Paul or whatever city he's from. He doesn't want us to know where he's from. St. Louis. Maybe St. Mary's, St. Louis. Yeah.

So if you guys know an annoying Don from St. Mary's, St. Louis, St. Bart's. St. Elsewhere. Whatever. And he's a long-winded, annoying guy. It's probably this guy. He's like, I don't want to dox myself. Someone from Deloitte could be listening to this right now. Yeah, what's the awesome opportunity that you could pay off all your student loans in a year? I have to go destabilize a third world country.

Yeah, that's not going to come off great to all the people that are roofing a house right now listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like crawling through like an HVAC bed being like, wait, what? Yeah. And what do you do now? I don't understand. I don't think he does anything. Yeah, he just hangs out. Whatever, dude. It's also a year.

The thing is, yeah, corporate jobs are fucking brutal, but you got it or whatever. Shitty jobs suck, but it's like you got to do it for a while. Like, you know, we've had, you know, we've all had day jobs here. They were atrocious. But, you know, in your case, you just have to work long enough to at least pay off your debt. And then you can go back to doing some, you know, some weird shit. It's just like by selling a house. Who gave you a house? Right. What house? What are we even fucking talking about here, Don? Yeah.

Anyway, shut up, fuck you. Go to your job, you fucking pussy. Hit us with a nice one. What's that? Oh, no.

And, uh, so now, so question number one is, how do I approach somebody, you know, obviously I'm not trying to be nice about this, but I'm also not trying to, you know, talk back and hit some guy in the mouth about, uh, how I'm scabies and just being a dirty motherfucker. Uh, so how do I just, you know, belittle a grown man and tell him, you know, you're a dirty fuck. And then the second, uh, thing is, uh, because it's happening in work hours, I've told work that they should cover everybody getting, you know, checked out and, you know,

going through proper steps now, where are you saying that they're not going to about it? I don't care. I got insurance. The other guys, they don't got insurance and whatnot. That's fucked. So I'm almost feeling like, do I just go around the office and scratch myself everywhere and pass scabies on to the, you know, the big wigs up top and really, you know, let them see how it feels because, uh, I think they're just kind of being a bunch of fucks about it. Absolutely. Yeah. Let me know. Appreciate it. Bye.

The violence towards the first guy is hysterical. You want to punch the guy who gave you scabies in the mouth? I got to tell you, I don't really know what scabies is. Yeah, I think it's chicken pox for adults. Weird. Scabies, you fucking dumbass. Itchy skin rash. Tiny burrowing mites? Are they bugs? Scabies is an itchy skin rash caused by tiny... Oh, I'm wrong. It's caused by tiny mite.

Intense itching occurs in the area where the mite burrows. Ugh. They need to scratch, maybe stronger at night. Scabies contagious can spread quickly through close person-to-person contact. Because scabies spread so easily, healthcare providers often recommend treating the entire family or any close contacts.

Scabies easily treated. Medicated skin creams or pills kill the mites that cause scabies in the ass, but itching may not stop for many weeks after treatment. Yeah, you're thinking of shingles. I'm thinking of shingles. Which I had recently, which sucks. You did? But it's not a bug. How the fuck did you get shingles?

I guess I'm stressed. Anyone can get it. If you had chickenpox, you can get it. You can re-get it. I just had him, too. Yeah, he had it. Oh, yeah, that's right. I don't like around my teeth. That's right. You get them right over here, yeah. Wait, what the fuck? It's related to herpes, too. Very similar. Uh-oh, Eldish. I mean, we know this guy's got herpes. Yeah, you got a bunch of guys, right? I get cold sores on my lips occasionally, but I'm not calling that outright herpes.

That's some important messaging there. Even though I think it technically is. It is, yeah, yeah. But no, no, you're right. That's just from sucking off boys, Paul Wendon style. Yeah, yeah. Eldest gets his Whitman on every once in a while. But this is different. This is bugs. This is sick. This sucks. They cause scabies in their eggs. I mean. Okay, so yeah, a couple different things. Oof.

So look, the guy who gave you scabies, you don't know his fucking deal. And someone else, like somebody you bumped into, you're that guy to them. Yes. You know what I mean? It's like, he didn't try and get fucking scabies. It's like getting mad at someone for getting you sick. That's how illness works. It's like, it's no one's fault. Now look, if you went to a fucking scabies party, and it's one thing if you're like, someone gives you an STD when they know they had it, that's despicable. But this guy probably wasn't...

That guy wasn't trying to give you fucking scabies. You're being a dick for any kind of violent...

Thinking you have towards him Right But I would say take all that anger And pour it towards your Fucking bosses who are like Oh yeah we're not covering it Even though it's like an employee of theirs Gave everyone in the fucking office And by the way it would be the smart move To just cover it To make sure everybody gets treated Because you don't want this highly contagious thing At your fucking office Constantly

So, yeah, man, I mean, I could, I think there's, I mean, you guys, I don't know where you work. Did he say where he works, what kind of shit he does? So it's just an office probably. But if the other people don't have insurance, maybe it's some kind of. Yeah, like a warehouse or something like that.

You know, there's look, there's a big movement. There's a big kind of labor upswell going on. Maybe you start a whole fucking you. You organize the workplace. You're like, these motherfuckers got to give us $40 each for shingles medicine or some shit like that. Or talk to your boss about it or whatever. So you don't want to fuck this guy up. This is disgusting, though, and you should get it taken care of immediately. But yeah, yeah.

I would say either give the big wigs shingles, go seduce one of your bosses and rub shingles all over them, or... I'm sorry, shingles or what is this? Is this shingles? Scabies. Scabies. Sorry.

Sorry, guys. Shingles way less disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shingles is like kind of cool. I don't think it's cool. No, it's awesome. Bugs. Bugs sucks. Anything bugs related. You got bugs in your body with eggs. You got eggs and bugs in your body. No, no, that's fucking disgusting. Yeah, I would think about taking my own life. I'm saying I would. Me as a person would.

Well, it is very easily treatable, like we said. Yeah. I would seduce your... Yeah, if you have one more thing, it's over for you. You can't stack any more. This guy, we don't know. He might have a clean penis, you know. I'm teetering at all times. This special doesn't hit. Guys, please watch the special. This year's everything for everyone, right? Fuck.

A little something for everybody. Enough for everybody. Enough for everybody. Joe List. Enough for everybody, Joe List. Watch it so he doesn't, he's got a young child on the way. Do you know the sex yet? Do you want to know? Yeah, it's a boy. Oh, hell yeah. It's a boy. It's staying a boy. I'll tell you that, folks. I can tell you that right now. We'll see what Uncle Stavros has to say about that. This guy, he's staying. I'm getting your kid dresses. I'm getting your kid dresses.

We're watching RuPaul. I'm not even letting him have fluids. That's how much not fluid it'll be. I'm moving to a big red county, baby. Nice red town. I'm coming in. Uncle Stavros is bringing Uncle Mateo and we're going to see about that. So yeah, I don't know, man.

Don't beat this guy up. I would say try and do on some Gandhi shit, not the stuff about, speaking of kind of pedophiles again, not the Gandhi stuff where he would sleep next to a child to show how much self-control he had, but the Gandhi thing of like, you know, what is it, B? No, no, no. B, the change you want to see in the world. Not that one, the Socrates one or whoever the fuck said like everyone's fighting their own little battle or whatever the fuck.

You don't know how this guy got fucking his buggy ass, his scabies. Don't make him feel worse. Dude, I hooked up with a girl who told me she had ringworm after we fucked. I've had that. Thank God I didn't get it. But I was like, you know, if I had got just for the honest pursuit of getting pussy, I would be punished by ringworm. And now what? Someone gets mad at me and fucks me up? Maybe this guy was trying to get pussy and ended up with scabies. Did you ever think of that?

Maybe he was trying to help an old homeless man across the street and got scabies. You don't know how he fucking got it. Try and with a little grace to this guy, give him a little pass. And, you know, if your bosses don't want to pay for everybody's scabies treatment, maybe bomb the place. Set it on fucking fire. Or they don't want to help you with bugs. Then you buy a bunch of bed bugs, pour it all over the fucking office. Like that.

A little terrorism. They can't get... Bed bugs are impossible to get rid of. They're going to have to fumigate the whole place. It's going to cost them a lot more. So take out all your anger on your bosses. They're pieces of shit. That's what I would say. You got a nice one to take us home with, Eldis? Stavi, baby. Thanks for taking my call. This is your Georgian cousin.

you know, Georgia, that country that you Greek motherfuckers stole your entire culture from. Fucking bitch ass. Georgia's one of the most bootleg Eastern European fucking countries. It's like being like, it's like the fucking US Polo Association of countries. I didn't even know Georgia was a country. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Fuck Georgia. And they have, it's funny because Georgia the state has Athens. Yeah, right. They're saying, first of all, Georgia, yeah,

It's all right, man. Joe List, everybody. Wait till you see the special. Woo! Woo, baby. It's really something. Suck my dick with your great value, fucking Eastern European country, Georgia. Fuck you. Continue, Elders. Anyway, this isn't about...

Old ass culture dick measuring contest actually. You're right it's not because your dick is small as shit. Your culture's dick is Eldest's size dick. So a couple years ago, I met this amazing girl, right? Oh yeah, I know. We instantly hit it off. But you know after hanging out a couple times, it just didn't click, you know, like we didn't have the romantic vibe.

But we've since then just become like really really good friends and I mean like the last five years she's become Really one of my best friends now the problem is she has a fucking wild younger sister, I mean like just

Yes. You know, she's like in that horny stage where she's just fucking around and she's just mid-20s, really fucking hot. And I'm like in my mid-30s and I'm kind of at this place where younger women kind of have a daddy thing with me. You know, like they're, for some reason, they're just super into it.

And like I'm kind of vibing kind of hard with her. I didn't by the way I didn't want to fuck you You could have just said and I'm picking up a vibe. She wants to fuck me I don't need your narrative of no they have this daddy thing with me suck my fucking day You start off on the wrong foot pretending Georgia is even close to Greece. I'm about to come can we hit? Yeah, I'm sorry Joe is edging right now Yeah, yeah, like

I know if I hook up with her, I'm probably gonna fuck up this friendship. Why? Which really, really means a lot to me because, like, I'm in my mid-30s and I'm not really at an age anymore where I make a lot of friends. I hate this man. So I guess my question is, like... I'm crotchety with the callers. Should I try to seal the deal or, like...

Is there a way I can like hook up with this girl and you know like keep my friendship? Why would you? Is it worth like Pause this, this guy's done. You know is it worth it or? Shut up. He's pausing himself. Wait so I thought for some reason I was half paying attention I was offended by the Georgia stuff and feeling stupid that I didn't know that was a country. I thought it was Jordan. All these years I've been calling it Jordan. I thought it was the Middle East. No I know I'm joking.

But, so this is just his friend's sister? Yeah, this is not a problem. Well, first of all, I, in high school, I dated my best friend's sister, and he's still my best friend, and I'm on good terms with her. I don't think, sister's not insane. I thought this was his girlfriend's younger sister. No, no, no. He went, this guy's saying he went on a date with his, he went on a date with his girl, and they connected, but then...

They realized after a couple days there was no romance there. And they've been since incredibly good friends, right? So he's just friends with a chick? He's friends... So this is a weirdly sexy... But it is a weirdly sexy... But that's a good point way to put it. Because like... Like if your best friend is a guy...

And you date his sister. It's almost cool. It's like sick, dude. Hopefully, like, cross your fingers, we could just be a family. Like, you could have my nephews could be your, you know, I could be an uncle to your kids in the perfect world. That's not a bad. Why would your friend, do you think this girl that rejected you five years ago would?

would now be like, hey, why do you... Why does my sister get to fuck you? You know what I mean? Like, why would there be any jealousy? I really don't understand this question. Well, there might be some jealousy popping up, though, if you're so close and now they're closer. Like, if all of a sudden I was closer to Eldest... Never happened. Yeah.

you might be like, hey, what the fuck? We used to be tight. And then all of a sudden we have inside jokes. Yeah, if you guys started fucking each other. If you guys started, okay, in a world where you're not married to another one of my friends who I don't want to see sad, I don't want you to divorce your wife who's expecting your child to start. And I don't want you to dissolve your engagement to start dating Joe. But in a world where you're both single homosexuals,

I would actually be thrilled if you started dating because then we could all hang out. But maybe all of a sudden we're like, we need alone time. That's fine. Go suck each other's dicks. You're being a little dismissive. I can see why it would be upsetting. Okay. They're best friends and now all of a sudden he's going to be closer. Did he even say best friend? Here's the other thing. Did he even say best friend? They're not best friends. I don't get it. This guy, he...

He's probably overstating how close they are. He probably thinks they're way closer than she thinks. That's interesting. Because she's a guy that he couldn't fuck years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that happens to me, thank you. That was nice. Shake your hand. I never want to see you again. I will never talk. I don't need a friendship out of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I feel like for her it could be like, whoa, what the fuck? He's trying to like fuck my sister who's a whore. Yeah. It sounds like.

Well, that's the other thing, buddy. You're Mr. Daddy getting this dick sucked over by mid-20s girls. If you're so worried about the relationship, find one of these other myriad girls that are knocking down your door to get a taste of your 34-year-old dick. These hot 22-year-olds that definitely...

Is this what people think when I say I get pussy? Is this how they react? I'm sorry if you actually get pussy, because this happens to me all the time, when people are like, yeah, right, you fat piece of shit. But what's also interesting is, has he felt that? Have you asked the friend? Because has she been like, stay away from my sister or anything like that? Because it sounds like her sister's already around being flirty. Yeah. That's what's interesting about this, is that what you said earlier, Eldest, about like, look, if I go on a date...

And I have some kind of, it's like very rare. I'm not looking to add friends. I'm trying to have a romantic thing. So even somebody that is pretty cool, if it doesn't end romantic, it's like, okay, that's a bummer, but I'm probably not, I don't, we're not being friends. So he's progressive enough to have made a friend out of like a, you know, the dating situation where it's like a date doesn't go wrong. He's like, you know what? But we could really be friends, but he's not. But now he's kind of reverting to being like, well,

She's going to get mad if I fuck her sister. It's like, she's just your friend. I don't get it. I don't understand why. I know what you're saying too, Joe. I'm like, yes, that can fuck up the dynamic. But I think like it can make it a little weird. I can't see a scenario that he's laying out where the friend is like, how dare you fuck my sister? You know what I mean? Right, right.

I just don't get it. I really don't understand this question. I've been in some bros groups, maybe a bachelor party, hypothetically, in the past, a long time ago. And there's just this guy there who got the invite because he was like the groom's, like, I think he tried to fuck the bride at a club a few years ago and he didn't. And he was still hanging around. And he had some, like...

He just had this energy of like, what is this guy doing here? I'm sorry. He tried to fuck the bride. No. Okay. The story was like they met at a club or a bar or something years ago. They became friends. Yeah. But this guy had like no sauce and it was like, what is this guy doing here? But why was he... Wouldn't he be... Then he should be at the bachelorette party, not the bachelor party. He's her friend. He got folded into the friend group basically. I hate that.

I'm all for switching up the sexes on bachelor and bachelorette parties. That's so much better than my cousin, who you don't know, comes to your bachelor party. No, he hangs out with you girls.

I and by the way, I'm gonna have a couple girls in my bachelor party. I know you know what I mean? Like they're my friends They don't they're not going to like whoever I marry their best unless they want to unless they become friends But it's like I hate when they like force you to get a fucking like family member in there What about when the father of the bride? That's crazy. That's happened multiple times. That's yeah, like your wife's dad is there and you're like we're going to cheat. Oh

How am I supposed to get my dick sucked guilt free and kind of live with that for the rest of my life if I know you know? And it's not just my most trusted confidants. That sucks. So anyway, I guess my question here is to you, buddy, who I shit on, but now I've come back around to and I'm trying to help you out. My question is like, what is your worry?

Are you worried that it's just going to... I'm sorry, Aldous. Did you have... Did I cut you off with that weird guy? Well, I was going to say, like, that guy's sort of, like, in the mix. Yeah, maybe they weren't dating or whatever, but it's like, what is he doing here? And that's, like, an example I can think of in my head that's kind of a parallel where it's like, he's going to try to fuck the girl's sister or whatever. It's just a weird move. But, okay, let's take away the fact that they met on a date, right? If you just have a friend... Like, we have a very good friend...

girl who's a very good friend right like if if we had if I happen to start dating her sister it would not be weird it would be like what if she started dating your brother wouldn't be weird wouldn't be weird to me at all I would be like sick I literally like if someone is really your close friend and they date your sibling in my opinion that's a bonus maybe we're just and so I'm wondering what he's worried about why do you think it will fuck up the friendship and

Is it because you're, yeah, you'll have to treat her sister right. You can't be a dickhead. Are you kind of being like, are you mistreating women at this point? You're like, ugh, I'm gonna have to like, I'm on the hook. And it's like, if I fuck this relationship up, maybe that's an argument where it's like, that's like, if this doesn't end well, I could jeopardize the friendship. That's something. But the very idea of dating, I don't see it, I don't see that as the problem. Now, if he, he's really just talking about fucking this girl, maybe he doesn't want to, if that's it, if you're like,

Hey, can I just fuck this girl once and maybe ruin a really good friendship? Don't do that, dumbass. But if you're like, you could see yourself potentially dating this girl, I don't see that as necessarily a deal breaker. But if you're this worried about it, it doesn't seem like it's worth it if he's already this worried about it. I also don't understand. I'm in my 30s, and so I'm not making friends anymore.

Yeah. It seems strange. Is this our, just because we're in comedy? I think we have a bit of a little privilege where it's like we get to meet people all the time. I guess so. But also think about it. How many outside of comedy friends have you made in the last 10 years? Outside of comedy? Yeah.

Zero. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this guy that's like we our job is so like social. Yeah. We get to hang and then it's like, you know, I've ended up making all my closest friends since the last since my last eight years have all been comedians because like that's who's around. A guy like this, you know, you're not going to make friends at the office. Yeah. The way we do. And then it's like non-comedy friends. Yeah. I haven't made one. Good Christ. I couldn't tell you the last time.

So that's kind of... Anyway, yeah, I think you're good, bro. But yes, if all you're saying is, is a hookup with a hot 24-year-old worth potentially jeopardizing a friendship that you really value? No, it is not. Yes. But I also think like...

And also what you said, have a conversation with your... Is this your friend or is this not your friend? Right. You can ask your friend like, yo, what's up with your sister? And she could be like, don't even think about it. And you have your answer right there. Yeah. Or she could be like, fuck her, she's a whore. Like, is this your real friend? Like, I've had friends who like, you know, literally you know people who are like, yeah, fuck my sister, I don't care. And then you also have people who are like, don't you ever touch my sister. So you gotta have to feel it out. Also...

Ever hear of masturbating and picturing your friend's sister? Like, you just have like a hot chick around that you flirt with. It's nice.

Like you could just be like, yeah, there's a chick around that I like to fuck. That's just what marriage is. You're like, oh, sweet. Shelly's coming over? And then you just bang, bang. There you go. Picture this girl and you fuck whoever you fuck. And then you buy your wife the exact outfit Shelly was wearing at the party and you're like, yeah, I just think you'd look good in it. You're like, yeah, doggy style, please. Don't look at me! Look forward! Put the hat on!

I tried to do a joke like that years ago. Maybe I tweeted it, but about when a guy's like, you look good in that outfit. That's a way of being like, I want to fuck this shit. You look really nice in that. That's me being like, look at this fucking piece of ass. I'd love to pull this over your ass and fuck your pussy in it. I'd love to hike up this sundress and fuck you in the pussy. Yeah. So yeah, anyway.

You're fine, bud. You're overthinking it. You're not getting it. Also, if you're getting as much pussy as you're leading on, then yeah, don't do it. Because it's not worth it. This is like a high risk, you know, high risk, okay reward. Getting to fuck one girl and then after you fuck her three months later, you just don't have a friend. Yeah. Not worth it. Not worth it.

Do you have something very short for us to end on, Eldis? Like your cock? Yeah, we could end on Eldis' cock. Oh, it's already over. Oh, we have to go back in time? His dick is so little, a call the same length would actually take us to the beginning of the podcast. What's that 25-second one? I don't even know how someone stuffs that in there. I said stuff because stuff is in the word, I just realized. Mm-hmm.

25 seconds Not screened Let's play roulette What does that mean not screened Eldest usually These are curated Oh no no this sucks I have the ability to print any You know whatever go ahead Play it Quick advice

I just discovered, without saying too much, I just discovered I have the ability to print to any of the offices of a large energy company through my job.

I'm trying to figure out how I can make the most fun of this. You got any ideas? That's actually, it's fun. Yeah. By the way, that could have been eight seconds. Very slow delivery. Okay. This is fun. You have the ability to send any picture to any energy company through your job. Well, do you want your job is big.

Yeah. Can you do it anonymously? Cause you're sending, I mean, look, the classics, your penis, your balls. Yeah. Your asshole, your balls. Fresh after a shit. And then yes, you're right. How about this oil spill?

Something like that. You know? Now here's an oil spill. Yeah. And no amount of Dawn is cleaning a fucking seagull with this shit. I'll tell you that much. Diarrhea, no wipe, take a photo. Diarrhea's good because it's not sexual. It's just disgusting. Right, right. You're right. Because my mind went straight to your balls. It's not... Because you can't, you can't like be, you know, uh, uh,

prosecuted for assault when you send a picture of your shit. Doesn't feel like a sex crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say nice, disgusting shit is kind of the way to go. What do you think, Elders? Yeah, dick. Dick sounds good. No, man. We're off dick. That was a great delivery. Dick sounds pretty good. I like that delivery because you said like you were agreeing with us, but you were disagreeing. You're like, yeah, yeah, dick. Dick.

All right, well, that's going to do it for us, folks. Elvis has the shoulders out. I got the shoulders out. Go watch Joe's fucking special right now, you animals. We're going to go back. I'm going to bleep some stuff to hopefully not get this demonetized so more people see. Because I just realized we talked pretty explicitly in that one question about coming inside people and all that stuff. Oh, is that no good?

I think you can't really talk like instructions on how to fuck someone. And probably the Walt Whitman pedophilia didn't help. The tip to bomb your place of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Telling a guy to kill himself for getting scabies. We got a couple. The one with Santino got demonetized because I think I talked about killing myself. Oh, damn.

Anyway, whatever. We're going to do our best to get as many eyes on this for our friend Joe. He's a father of a soon-to-be trans woman. No. In 16 years, when I steal his baby, take it to Montreal, and give it hormones to make it a girl. I do a suicide joke like four minutes into my special. Is that going to get demonetized? I don't think so.

stand-up comedy has more leeway I've talked to a YouTube guy about this really yeah yeah yeah oh okay because it's like you know podcasting is bullshit they think stand-up is art still so it's like you get a little more leeway we got them fooled yeah it's called Enough for Everybody it's out right now Enough for Everybody and after you watch that you can watch my other one this year's material that's from last year this is from this year and subscribe to the goddamn channel it's right here on YouTube it's right here

It's right here. And if you're not watching on YouTube, go to YouTube. We'll have all the links in the description unless Eldest forgot. And that's really up to him. Don't forget. Yeah. God damn it. I'm already mad. It doesn't even happen. I'm like, fuck. We started militantly promoting. You'll be right at the top of that description. You're good, baby boy. I appreciate it. Go watch Joseph. You've probably already seen it. They probably paused at the beginning, watched the special, come back.

And really, you know, finish the episode. Or they saw it when it came out on Friday. That's true. They might already be like, yeah, old news. Yeah, old news, you fucking idiots. Shut the hell up. We'll talk to you next time, guys. Bye-bye. Play us off, dunce. The fucking hell. I'm in the middle of signing off.