#36 - Jared Freid
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Welcome everybody to Stompy's World, 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have an honestly expert problem solver in the mix. He's been doing it. You could argue I stole his whole shit. That's why I'm here today. I brought my lawyers. He's been taking advice for years. It is funny when you see someone do advice and you're like...

What the fuck, dude? And then you're like, oh, right. I mean, this is... They wrote columns about like this in the... I invented advice. In the 20s. Right, right, right. I'm dear Abby. Oh, they do it. Yeah, you do have that initial twinge. For one second, you're like... What? Oh, I guess we're just stealing ideas around here. Yeah, you do have that moment. And then, you know, like I've been doing the advice for so long. And it started with just like, I literally...

For some reason, podcasts are a great place for advice because I think people just like the idea of like, if they trust you, the anonymity part. Absolutely. They like the idea of the two, and especially comedians. I think we're the perfect people to like, you know, people go, what do you, you know, the biggest dick in the world is like, what do you know? And it's like, I know nothing. I just know I gave out my email one day on my podcast and people were like,

well, I'm going to this bar and I met this chick. How do I fuck? And I'm like, I got some ideas. I don't know if they work. We can throw some stuff around. Right. Yeah. You don't need to know anything. We're a nice, we're a second set of eyes for,

you know, different perspective on things. Perspective's the word and it's also comedians are not like, you know, the worst people to go to who are advised is when you tell them the story and they go, you did what? Right. And you go, no, no, no. Nothing you people can say. Right, we go, okay, so, you guys,

a guy's hand, you know, dick in your hand and you're not sure and you pet it. Okay, it's a little weird. We're gonna figure this out. We can figure it out. Comedians are just like, we're built for, you know, comedy. I always explain, stand up to me is like,

Okay, here's what I think now hear me out. Yeah, you know, so we're always ready for the initial of course premise Okay, now let's let's work through it right absolutely. No, there's there's it's nice because we at the very least

We've thought about a lot of stuff. Even if we're stupid, we've given it a lot of thought. So even if you're running a really shitty computer, but you're running it constantly, it's going to come up with some answers. Right, well that's the thing. We have our days to think things through. Yeah, all we're doing is thinking little idiosyncratic stuff. Right, when someone goes, you say the things that I think, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the job of a comedian. It's like, I

I have to put into words these thoughts that you really don't have the time to get out of there. You got a job. You got a job, children. Right. You know, a whole life. And it's nice because we've also...

at least I feel, like, put ourselves in fucked up situations. Right. So that it's like, oh yeah, I'm not, I'm not, there's no judgment here. Well, I've also noticed that comedians are very similar, like, we come from every angle. We have the most diverse workplace that there ever could be. That's why. It is really interesting. It's, when people are like, oh, that's offensive. It's like,

No, I have the person to go through to see if it's offensive or not. There are literally mentally disabled people that are very good stand-ups. Right. We have everything. We have it all. I love that about it because it's like you can have just a really smart, well-spoken person, not funny at all. Not funny. And then you have just a gutter-dwelling, just piece of dog shit, sex addict, troll, whatever. Right.

Crushing. Does can't read. And the one thing we have in common is that I think all of us were like the type of students, like the good comics, I think no matter what their background is, it's always the type of student who came in and was like, the homework's due? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then got it done somehow. Right, right, right. Before they collected it. Yes, yes. Whether it was to cheat, lie, or steal. A little make up an excuse. Right. All that kind of stuff. Charm your way through it. Yeah. You don't have to collect this today, Mrs. Connelly.

Yeah, you also understood how to manipulate people pretty early in life. Right, right, right. We are sensitive in a way that it's like, oh, that's a good mark over there. Do you remember the first manipulation of your life? Do you remember being a little kid and just getting away with something? Or even just something you're particularly, not even as a first one, just any nice manipulation? I just remember showing up to a social studies test and being like, wait, the

test is today and then I remember my friend Debbie she was like the corner seat ahead of me I'm like and she could see in my eyes like it's not gonna happen for yeah and she just like watched me cheat off of her like and I just remember like we got the test back like two weeks later got our grades and I did better than her yeah and I was like no you had one that I didn't really agree with that happened to me once I let a friend cheat off me in ancient Greece and

Oh, so you, that's unfair. It was unfair, but I thought I knew everything. And I guess I just like, you know, I didn't, that's the annoying thing when you, and I was an opinionated little fucking asshole. And I was like, I don't actually agree with this one. And I like marked it different than what I knew the teacher wanted. And then he just, he did the exact same thing. He was like, oh, I think I remember this being good. And he got a better grade than me, but. He's addicted to pills now, so. So that really. Score one for Stavi. Got him. Got his ass. Yeah.

Honestly, if there was an ancient Greece quiz, if I'm the teacher, I'm like, hey, Stavros, we're going to move you. Because the whole class would be like over your shoulder. I love that shit too. Yeah. But yeah, we got our boy Jared Freed in the mix. New special out right now. I don't...

We had somebody else just on here promoting something, and he said technically you're not supposed to say it because it's a bad, because of the writer's strike. What? I don't know. We called it the big N for him, but you can say Netflix if you like. I'm not on the. Yeah. You're not in the guild? No. They didn't let me in. No, I'm on Netflix. My mom cried when I told her. I think I had.

It sucks what's going on. I want it all to work out and everyone to get paid what they're fairly paid. But at the same time, my mom cried. It's my dream. It's on Netflix. Go watch it. Good luck feeding your family an old Jewish woman in Florida crying. And that's what's important here, folks.

It's a good special. I promise. We're going to laugh. We're going to laugh. Go watch it. By the time this comes out, everything will be resolved. No chance. Right, I'm sure. No chance. It's going to go into the fall. Yeah, Trump and Biden are going to hug by the time this comes out. Watch it 37 and single on the big end right now. Fire it up. And what would you say the themes of the special are? Is this a year?

Is this what you do? No, no, I'm kidding because it's called 37 and Single. Any fucking retard knows what the themes are. Dating. I guess I'm the idiot. I'm like...

Is this 60 minutes? No, no, Jared. I was softly mocking you. And you took it at face value. The guy in a wife beater is going to...

Ask me the depth of my comedy special where I make a bunch of fucking jokes. And when do you think you'll find love finally, Jared? I don't know. 37 and single. Yeah, I mean, I talk about dating so much. I've been talking about dating for like now like

you know, since 15 years. Yeah, I know what you mean. You know, it's weird and then, again, those are the people like, what do you know? And it's like, I've thought about this a lot. I've been out here, baby. Out in these streets. So, yeah, well, I went through a breakup and at... I do remember that because, you know, we met, you know, probably when I first moved to New York at this point, probably eight,

seven or eight years ago. Right. And yeah, it was like, you're a good comic and it was, we were all, we were pretty young and it's all like the same kind of dating. We're all doing basically similar stuff. And then I remember you getting into a relationship and you felt like the kind of guy where it's like, yeah, Jared will probably get married and like, you know. Right, move on. Move on. You know, it's like, because you come from, you know, your family's pretty successful, right? Like you come from a pretty good, like you are a, obviously we share the same comic stuff, but like,

you did come from a better background than a lot of comics, right? That's the thing where I kind of cringe a little bit. Someone's like, oh, every comic is a fucking dark loser, idiot loser, hates himself. And I'm like, I hate myself in the normal way.

Right, right, right. Like, yeah, I, you know, I liked my childhood. I liked my parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I played sports in high school. Yeah, yeah. You know, I just like making... Big red flags. Right, like, these are, like, I like making my friends laugh. That's the reason I got into comedy. And, like...

I didn't realize, I think when we kind of started, it was this like, tell your tale of suffering. And I'm like, oh, I better find some fucking suffering. You know, like, I had two power wheels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, what a piece of shit. And it's hard to, you motherfucker. We got one and it immediately got stolen. Really? My family bought, my dad bought me one. That was the big purchase. The highlight of my life, dude. I had a red convertible. I had that one too. It was so sick.

he left it outside in Baltimore. It got stolen. That's where I got mine. Yeah. Your dad's like, I know where we can get it. Not to get too anti-Semitic off the top, but your dad's like, I know how to get a deal. I got these idiot Greeks. Yeah.

Take one of their Corvettes. It's like that episode of The Sopranos where they steal some guy's car and the guy drops the N-bomb and then it cuts to the... Because the black guy stole it from him, but he did it only to sell it to the mafia. So it's like this funny thing where it's like in The Sopranos you're like...

The guy's like, I can't believe they stole the car. And he's stupid, you know, whatever. And then just because Tony Soprano looking at a picture of the guy's car and smiling. It's like your dad was doing that before a Hot Wheels ring. Where he's just having people steal from Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going down from Massachusetts to take...

Power Wheels from Little Greek Kids. Yeah. He's the head of this big mafioso organized crime thing. Two Power Wheels. That's something right there. It's one of those things. Elvis' grandma slept in the living room. Oh, my God. You're dealing with Baltimore poverty over here. We did not have Power Wheels. No Power Wheels. Pow, pow, Power Wheels from that commercial?

Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. No, I'm just, like, you know, the comedy stuff, well, this goes back to it's every background. It's every type. Like, we got people that like their family, hate their family everywhere in between. But that's what I'm saying. Suburbs, city. Totally. You know, whatever. And we're talking burbs? Burbs. I'm from Needham, right outside of Boston. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, went to, like, a very idyllic high school. Yeah, yeah. Out of a Mayberry, you know? It was like storybook. Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, it's funny because it's like, I started doing comedy and I would go talk about dating at like, you know, these like open mics with everyone be like, like, well, like it sounded like I was bragging, you know? Yeah.

I really do want to talk. I have an interest. I have an interest in the subject of love and the subject of going on a first date and talking to women. I've been turned down. I've broken up with people. It's all over the board. When I broke up and ended my relationship and we were living together and moved out, I'm now like...

That 30, you know, later 30s, like, oh, shit, I thought, just like you said, like, I thought life was going in another direction. Now I'm kind of thrown back into this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People a little bit, the people that I date generally are kind of, the women that, like, my audience is generally female. Yeah. So it's like those were, and they were a lot like women that I would date. So I was getting a lot of, like, we should get drinks. And I was getting frustrated by it. So, and all while kind of, like, working through why did I,

break up you know like why did i why am i afraid of you know and it became that type of and it like just kind of came out of that you broke you broke it off i ended it yeah it just wasn't the right mix it just wasn't it nothing not a bad person not a bad anything and that's most breakups 99 of breakups happen for no reason at all you know that you know one person's just afraid or just not there's this feeling and a lot of men do it where we end things before the next step

Definitely. Right? You know, we get afraid, oh, the next step, because then we feel this responsibility. I got to take care. I got to be ready for this. I got to, you know, kind of leave my adolescence. And even though that, you know, you're in your 20s and 30s, you're going...

I don't know if I'm ready for being dad. Right, right, right. The husband on the sitcom, right, Eldest? Right. You don't want to be that guy. Doofy dad. And the thing is, a lot of times, and not to gender this, but a lot of times, the heroic position is, but we should fall in love and move on. And the evil position is,

I'm not ready. Maybe I could do this with someone else. You know, like maybe there's a better mix out there for me. But see, also the problem with that thinking, I think, is like that's not true forever, right? Like I definitely started feeling this where I'm like,

all right, man, I am like, I'm a little younger than you, but we're in the same ballpark, you know, where I'm just like, how much longer can this go? How much longer can I? Like, when you are a 45-year-old man trying to get pussy, there is no more pathetic being on earth. Well, no, there's nothing more pathetic and hearing about it from them, it doesn't even sound right. It sounds fucked up. And I'm not like a getting pussy guy. You know, like I was like, you know, what I do a lot is like, I go to a bar, have a drink by myself,

sit there on my phone, and I'm like, good and happy. I'm like, you've got to be better than my phone is right now. You've got to fucking bring something. You've got a fun story or something? Something fun, a nice anecdote. Let's have fun and laugh. And then I would go on dates, and it was very performative. It felt a little performative. I think a lot of people get stuck in that. The dating apps make things also... They're saying our generation's having less sex than ever. And it's like, yeah, the dating apps added this whole...

very structured process to a thing that's more supposed to be unstructured. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know, first date, second date, dinner, will there be sex on the third? You know, like there's all that stuff that you get caught into because

the app kind of creates this thing where it's like, there's no will they won't that. You have both agreed, minute one, I find you attractive just by one swipe or like. So when that's out of the way, you're like, you know, men, we like to chase a little bit. We want to know, I got to capture the beast. I want to fucking take down the prey, you know? And then when you lose that, when you learn like, oh yeah, oh,

you can eat me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you like go on the date, you're like, ugh, this isn't funny. You know, so. A deer just showing you its pussy. Right. You want to romance it a little bit for it, you know? You want to get that shotgun out. Right. Force it to show you its pussy. I see what you're saying, Jared, yeah. You want to hold a gun, you want to hold a gun to a woman's head. You've gone in a different direction than. No, I read you loud and clear. Men want to hunt a woman. Please don't take away my name from the special.

Please. I didn't mean it. I swear.

It was a metaphor gone awry. You do want the rush of like, you're in a bar. What's more exciting than being in a bar, being like, I'm going to get up the fucking balls to go up to someone and say hi. Totally. And then it works out. Oh, dude. The best memories. I didn't really fuck until I moved out. I had a college girlfriend and

We broke up and then I lived with my parents for a little bit. And then I got a house in Baltimore with some friends for a year when I was 23, 24. And it was right before I moved to New York. I remember this story.

Part of your life For some reason You were doing comedy Yeah I had just I was opening for Bobby A little bit We might even met Honestly we might even met When I didn't even live here yet I think that's when we met I think you know We did meet on YKWD It was on Bobby's podcast And you were like Coming in Yes And that was the best time In my life where I First of all There's nothing better Than skating on potential Cause you can You haven't had to do anything yet But people are like You will do something Right And then you feel like I'm the best comic In a shitty little town And And

And like, you know, I would go on to get laid basically just from getting internet famous. There's no easier way to get pussy than being... There's a lot of mentally ill women on the internet and they will have sex with you. But I cherish so much more the like 10 girls I fucked when I was broke in Baltimore. Yeah.

And then I do the like way more women that, cause it was like, it was a thing of like go up at a bar. Like, you know, even if they saw me at a show, it was, I wasn't famous. I was just some shitty comic in a lineup of 10 shitty comics. And I would chat them up and I would have to take them to my horrible house. And all the like steps of like, I still feel more accomplished then than I do, you know, than I do now.

Now where it's like, you know, just easy. I mean, any woman listening to this right now should be like deleting the app right now. You're hearing kind of like the carnal caveman. And it's like, it's not chase as much. I don't like when someone's like, you got to be tough. It's no, it's your whole life as a young boy. I remember as a young boy being told, talk to her. Talk to her.

And being too much of a coward for most of it. So when you get over that hump, it's like there's nothing better. Right. And these apps were created by nerdy men. Yeah. You know, the apps were created to create a world safe for nerds. Yeah. You know, like you and I, you know, jocks and studs. A couple alpha males. Alpha dudes. A couple fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These apps were made for a couple of cool fucking bros. Yeah.

They were made because nerds were like I'm never gonna talk yeah, we would every now and again again Yeah, had to be fucking the oh for sure to be perfect. I'm not saying I'm going listen I was trying to story on stage, but like I remember at a young age even not just girls Anybody go talk to them right a man shake their

- I was scared of, or like make a request or like, I was always scared to do some shit like that. - I tried to tell him the same thing. - But I'll do a little dance for you. I'll make you laugh. - I'll do something stupid. - You know what I mean? - I'll do something silly. - We're almost stupid idiots. - But God forbid I like ask the guy, I'll be like, "Um, I actually ordered a burger, not a chicken sandwich." I would be in a cold sweat going to say that. - I was coming home from Rosh Hashanah Temple, okay? We're driving in your Power Wheels convertible.

Sounds about right. Checks out. At the temple, they're giving out stolen toys for Rutherford. After they've had the meeting on who gets to be president, they're like, and now. The meeting. Yeah. When everybody zooms in. It was our highest holiday. Yeah, that's what Rosh Hashanah is. Every synagogue zooms in, and they have the real vote for who gets to be president. That's where we decide which way the country goes. You're right. You're right.

So after we were done deciding which way the country goes, we're driving to my grandparents' house. My grandparents lived near Larry Bird. Oh, wow. You know, the famous basketball player, Hall of Fame basketball player. Of course. And my dad pulls over the car on the side of the road and Larry Bird's cleaning out his garage. Oh, my God. My dad goes, get out. Go get an autograph from Larry Bird. And I'm in the back and my little- How old are you? 10. Oh, my God.

And I'm going. And by the way, your dad is the true coward here. Right. You get the fuck out. He did the math and he was like, if a grown man enters Larry Bird's home on Rosh Hashanah and asks for a, he'd be like, he would literally threaten to kick his ass. Right. He'd be like, get the fuck out. Hey, security. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little kid in a sweater in his finest, in his finest. Little kid suit. Yeah. Little kid juice suit.

I'm in my Jewish, you know, Jewish vote, you know, president voting suit. Absolutely, absolutely. Choosing the direction of the country. I'm literally in my Jewish suit. And I'm like, no, I don't want to get out. My dad goes, get out and talk to Larry Bird. You're a little kid. Like, again, he's going, you can do it. I can't. I go, you get out. He goes, no, no, no, you can do it. And I go, no. And he goes, you will never forget this the rest of your life. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'm 10 years old. Oh, my God. I go, I don't care. And my mom, Jewish mom, going, Jerry, drive. He doesn't want to do it.

He doesn't want to do it. Just drive. Come on. Stop it. You're embarrassing him. She's going full Jew mom. You know, it's like when the Iron Man puts on the Hulk breaker suit. She went full Jew mom. And I'm going, now I'm crying. My brother's six years old. He's just next to me like, what the fuck is going on?

And we drive away. I have been, every time it can come up, it comes up. Yeah. You didn't talk to Larry. You didn't get an autograph from Larry Bird. It's been my whole, fuck, I'm 38 now. Insane. You didn't talk to Larry Bird. So to bring it back, when it's a woman, and you've talked to her, you have done the most, you're the king.

King of pussy Yeah yeah yeah When you actually accomplish Totally Hello I'm Stav I'm Jay How you doing Every time It does feel Like a huge accomplishment The biggest And it's like You know And again These apps are crutches They're Kind of a time suck They're a way to get dopamine You know

When you meet someone at a bar, maybe it's, let's call it 100. It feels like you have fucking testosterone going through your veins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably get like 10% of that from every match on a dating app. Oh, a match. So it's a little bit of a slow drip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of feeling like a man. So we go to that because it's easier. Yeah. Well, this is also showing your privilege because for the obese community...

Matches on Tinder are not looking good. Well, listen. You know? But you might, but if you, I'm saying if you get a match, aren't you their type? Like, isn't that great? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I've pretty much fucked most of the matches I've gotten, but it's because I've gotten like 12 matches. Well, you knew. They're like, oh, this is it. They were down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a look. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where they go, like, I'm any Jew. True. You know, banker, lawyer. Yes, yes, yes. I'm, like, kind of interchangeable. Of course. There's no... I'm like, they're literally on the other end going, well, he checks a box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You, you've checked the box. It's a rare box, but when it gets checked, it feels good. Right. I mean, I think that's... There's, again, positives, negatives to all this thing. Of course, of course. I was on a date once, and...

this is a girl see this is where you're lucky like I was on a date with a girl and the girl goes you look just like my friend's husband and I go I'm sure he's gorgeous like I tried to like get away from it I was like I don't want to see like you know your friend's chubby husband with fucking dark eyebrows I don't want to fucking see this she goes no you look just like my friend's husband I was like oh he's gorgeous and she goes no I gotta show you she takes out her phone and I'm like

And like I couldn't hide. I was just like, this is over. I don't like her. I can't see what you're into. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also you want to fuck your friend's husband? Right. Imagine she shows up to like a dinner party with you and you do look exactly like him. Wouldn't her friend be like, what the fuck? What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What the fuck is this? And her husband's like, interesting. Her husband's... Even if you guys don't work out, her husband's filing that away. He's happy with it. And now he's like, could I fuck her? Right. He's happy with it. Well, this also shows the difference between male and female swiping, too. Like, you're getting swiped again. It's a... I...

Okay. And we'll see. Right. When we swipe, it's like, I want to fuck. Like, and it's an icky admission to make. Sure. But you know, the idea, like our penis doesn't let us go on dates or

where, you know, we'll see what happens. We'll see how their job is and how good they are in person. No, we will see what happens, but it's like, we also want to fuck you. Right, right, right. We didn't go in thinking like, like I get emails all the time where it's like, I've been on five dates with this guy because I had a lot of female emails. So it's like, it would be like, I've been on five dates with this guy. I'm not sure if I'm attracted yet. And I'm like, crazy. I can't understand something less. Five is insane. Well, there's this whole thing. I keep putting up these bits about the ick. Like, and the ick is like,

Men don't have the ick. Right, right, right. We have, you know, the ick is a product of I'm giving them a chance and they have ruined it by doing one weird, funny thing that is funny. They know it's ridiculous. Every woman that tells me they're ick, when it's a good ick, it's like something that's both reasonable and unreasonable at the same time. It'll be like, you know, the one I heard the other day that was fucking great. Give me one, hit me with one. It was a guy trying to merge into traffic and no one will let him in. Oh.

And she couldn't fuck him after that? Couldn't respect him. Couldn't respect him. And you go, that's fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Like, he's just sitting there being like, I don't know what's going on.

What's going on over here? And it's like, you get it. That's ridiculous. That's not a good reason not to fuck someone. Of course, of course. It's also reasonable because it's a good reason not to fuck someone. And then it's also like, oh, you weren't sure about fucking them. You got to that point. You're looking for a scapegoat.

You're looking for a scapegoat. That's the scapegoat of, like, yeah. You didn't really want to fuck them. But, yes, absolutely. A girl could, like, pull up to my house, and she's just... Not only did she merge, she's gotten into multiple accidents. Her car's on fire. Right. There's some... There's, like...

and bone and flesh on one of her tires. And she's like, oh, crazy commute. And I just would look at her car and I would look at her and be like, yeah, it sounds pretty crazy. You going to come upstairs or what? Like I wouldn't not fuck her. Not exactly. And then after I fucked, I'd be like, I don't know. I'll probably only fuck her like two or three more times. After she probably, she's been charged with vehicular manslaughter. Let's see if I get attached to these crimes in any way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll,

Yeah, that's the whole thing. And you go, that's where we kind of, again, men versus women. It's been a million years of differences. But it is, these apps have amplified it. One thing I find is that women actually love shopping. No! Do they be shopping? Have you ever seen that? Have you ever come across that? I didn't. I do love that. I have actually, Eldest, have you noticed that?

Yeah. It's crazy, isn't it? It's crazy. I mean...

Did you know 37 and single might mean that my special might be based on dating? I mean, don't get me wrong. Mine's called Fat Rascal. We're not... I can go in any direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be surprised. I'm fat and I do rascal type activities. A rascally fellow. I'm a rascally fellow, whether it's yelling at an airline employee for being a dumb bitch or eating pussy or eating ass.

All those fall under the... Sometimes one after the other. Sometimes a nice one long swipe. Sometimes one continuous swipe like it's a big-ass lollipop in the 20s. Like a big envelope. This thing's going first class. I got to seal it up real nice. Right. End to end. Right. We don't want... I don't even have to do this in the middle. Yeah.

I got enough moisture to get me all the way through this big envelope. Big manila. But yeah, dude, I definitely know what you mean. And it is interesting about, you're right, it is so, that moment with your parents is so funny about the Larry Bird shit too because it also just tells you kind of,

All there's so much of this shit is beyond your control. So much of it happened. And that's when you remember. Right. There's so much other shit like that probably affected your six year old brother and he doesn't remember it. Right, right, right. You know, there's so much shit that it's like you saw your parents do or that's just seeped into you that you're like,

toast so you had so it's you and your you and your you had just one brother my younger brother myself and just us and yeah and we're all like very alike you know like my dad my brother and i all like the same thing yeah yeah yeah like it's not like one classic one idiot in the corner being like i like emo music no it's like we all like sports we all like food we all like going out to do like i like my family like i enjoy what is your brother what are your brother and your dad do oh you're gonna go crazy you're

My brother's in the NFL, does stuff with the NFL. Oh, fuck. And you're a big Baltimore fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? So he used to be with the Dolphins, and now he's with the Bears. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, so he's... How did I not know this? That's crazy. I don't really... I don't know what I can say. He was sleeping on my couch. I'm going to open my... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still trying to make shit. He was sleeping on my couch telling me he's like, I want to be an NFL GM. That's crazy. And I go... And there was like six months into him on my couch, I had to kick him out. I was like...

Listen, man, there's too many dreams in this apartment. One of us needs a fucking job. Because we would wake up and talk to each other about like, and he'd be like, I got to do this. And we're all just dreaming, you know? Like, I'm like, maybe there'll be a Netflix special. He's like, maybe. He once told me, he's like, what if I, like, we like hot, you know, ideas off each other. He'd be like, what if I like, you know, went and became like a janitor for one of the teams. I was like, what are you, this is,

This is good. Well, I'm dating you. They're not going to like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it. We're just delusional together. Yeah, he solves a trade on the chalkboard. He's like, what if we move him to future first? Who is this man? And it's like,

You know, so then he ended up, you know, my brother was a great athlete. You know, he was a lacrosse player. So like the lacrosse community kind of got him in the sports world. And he's now doing great. That's awesome. So with the Bears and doing great things. And my dad was like, see, I come from like, you know, it's funny you mentioned Jewish. Like, I think there's like a few different types of Jews. I was just going to say, you're a rare bro Jew. Bro Jew. Well, there's such a thing. I think I've split them into like. Hit me with it. I want the whole taxonomy. There's lawyer.

you know, there's lawyer Jew. Sure. Lawyer, doctor, learning Jew. We call that the classic model. The classic model. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. We were never. Yeah, yeah.

Like, nobody in my family was a lawyer or a doctor. Yes, yes, yes. No upgrades straight from the factory. No, no, no. That's a factory joke. A factory model. You're right. You put a little spoiler on the back. Maybe if they're, like, doing, like, if they're, like, a surgeon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was, like, foreign to us. Like, my, you know, it's not like we had a lot of college graduate, you know, until my generation, really. Okay.

But then there's like, I think there's also like social worker Jew. - Sure. - That does like a lot of good bleeding. - Bleeding heart. Very liberal bleeding heart. - Very liberal, you know, PBS. - Yes. - Cloth, tote, all everywhere. These are generalizations, but I say that as a Jew. - But I love that you get to do them. This is great. - I can, no. - Jared memorized this script I sent him yesterday. - You get to do your Jews run the country conspiracy theory.

I don't know why you're more comfortable doing that than you are just describing smart and successful Jews. I read an interesting article on the internet and I felt like I needed to use my platform to show differing opinions. That's all. It's a First Amendment thing.

I am from salesman entrepreneurial Jewish people. So like, you know, my dad used to sell liquor, beer, wine. He was a wholesaler. Love that. Sold liquor, beer, wine. My always family businesses, always stuff like that. Yeah. Always sales people. Like my mom even sales. I get that. Personal shopping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandfather on her side sold like rags to the, uh,

the auto plants in Detroit, like always sales people. So like the idea of going into comedy isn't really that much of a stress as far as like we're selling. - Hucksters. - We're hucksters. Yeah, grifter, huckster. We're gonna sing, dance and dust baby. So like the idea of like being a outwardly, you know, emotive Jewish person with family that's like, you know, like my dad, when I started doing comedy, he's like, oh, to him,

you're starting a business. Like, it wasn't... Interesting. It wasn't an art to him. That's very interesting. And it's not an art to me. Like, I really... You know, the artsy-fartsy shit, I'm like, I don't understand. I'm telling stories that people fucking laugh at. Yeah. Great, but how do we position it? I'm trying to get people in these seats. Right. You put some... You know, for us, where we are...

entrepreneurial spirit. Like we've mentioned, like, you know, what's going on again. I hate to come back to it, but like, you know, with the strike, I want the best for the workers. I want the best for the writers. I want them to like, I fear AI in the same way they do. When we, you know, I didn't get hired,

you know and so what's the next move right right right I want to be a comedian okay well let's go straight to the people let's start a podcast let's get a bunch of cameras let's invest some money you know I fully know what you mean you had to what else you're going to do when you started doing Comptown like when I heard you were making the money you were making on Patreon I was like

Okay, there's golden hills. Time to start a Patreon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's oil out there. Absolutely, absolutely. Time to start a Patreon. And you go, okay, that's a way for me to do the thing I love, to make jokes and go on the road and do the thing. And I'm incredibly passionate about that. But when I started, my dad was like,

You're starting a business. And he wasn't like, you're funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, I don't know what you're doing. Well, look, this is what you do. Your grandfather sold rags. You're selling dick jokes. They're both worthless in a vacuum. But if you move enough of them, you can make something. You'll be happy and you'll be able to sell conspiracy theories about your people and stuff 13 years from now. So...

So, yeah. So, I come from that type of, you know, and like, you know, I was like a summer camp Jew. Yeah, I get that. Not even blue collar. I'm not going to say that. Like, things were okay. A blue collar spirit with the salesmanship. I think that's like a big, you know, everyone in my family is that way. It does feel like salesman kind of is the perfect...

middle ground where it's like you see a family change from the blue collar shit to sales where it's like it could go either way. You could be a car salesman, but the very same skills, you're basically in finance. Right. There's a form of finance. You kind of see that very...

is like a real demarcation for a lot of families, I feel like. Well, you also... Because you can make a lot of money in sales. You ever meet someone who's like in pharmaceutical, like medical, like in sales? Yes, and they don't know shit about science. Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. And they are just... Great hair, great smile. Great hair, great smile. And then pure gusto. Yeah.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. No way. You know, maybe they know their product, but it's not like they could like, and like I have friends that are in the hospital during surgeries because they just got to watch over the machines. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I think they, I don't even, I'm talking about my ass. He's just fucking banging it. It's like, he does, he's hungover. He's like, ah. He's just got a knife in a guy's kidney. He's like, ah.

Unplugs it, plugs it back in. You're good. You're good. You're good. Come on. Just, yo, come on. Blow in the cartridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. But I totally get that, though, because there is definitely something different. That's interesting to view comedy that way, but also just, you know. It's a stupid business to go into. You know, like, you don't even, and at first you don't think of it that way. Like, I'm like, oh, we'll be funny. Like, whatever. We'll figure it out. And like,

I love doing podcasts. I really do enjoy them. We were talking before, we tape a bunch of them. After a while, you're tired. But you go, I love talking. I love shooting the shit. This is what I was doing in the basement of my buddy's house in high school, what I was doing in my fraternity house in college. At camp, I was always in an Adirondack chair talking shit.

What about camp? Were you getting jacked off at camp? No, no, no. All boys. All boys? I thought that was the big thing with summer camp. There's differences in camps. There's the co-ed community and the one all boys, all girls camps. The all boys, all boys, all boys, all girls camps, if you went to one, you swear by it.

If you went to a co-ed camp, you swear by that. Like, there's a big division in the Jewish summer camp community of which is the better option. I would always send, like, I think, like, you get to play sports. Like, the thing is, like, at All Boys, it's all about the sports. It's all about, like. Camaraderie, sports. Because if you introduce girls to 12-year-old boys, that's all you're going to think about. That's all you think about. Who's.

And that's what, it's funny because like I was on a date with someone and she was telling me, she went to a co-ed camp and she was like, her story, you know, camp comes up. Of course, of course, of course. And she was like, just telling me stories from her camp about like all their things were about embarrassing their friends in front of the boys. Right.

You know, and you go, that's funny. Not my experience. Me and the fellas just chilling. Chilling? Yeah. Saying stupid shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Farting. Yes, yes, yes. Shitting. Peeing everywhere. Spitting everywhere. Swear words. Of course. That was our whole, we had plenty of that going on. No girls to be found in me and Eldis' adolescence. But boy, did we chill. Boy, did the fellas chill. Yeah.

Did you guys grow up together? Yeah, we grew up. We've been friends since kindergarten. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've probably logged. And now he's my road manager. So we've logged in this past year. Eldest probably saw me more than his girlfriend easily.

I think not easily, but if we tallied it up, it would be like a too close to call presidential election. You have to wake up the next day to find out who won. It wouldn't be that night. But yeah, dude, all we did was chill. How many times has Eldest's story been told on this podcast? A lot. A lot. Because I don't want to get into it if you've already done it, but I'm like, what did you do before? We've been finding you angle.

What was that? What did you do before? I was just writing entertainment news at this company. It was dog shit. Kind of like People magazine type bullshit. And Stav is like, come on. Join the team, baby. Join the team. Stav's like, let's make Entourage happen. Let's make Entourage reality. This is a very different Entourage. This is everyone's turtle. All turtles, baby.

All turtles! Entourage, all turtles edition. It's like, oops, all berries. Entourage, oops, all turtles. That's me and Eldest's life.

It's a great spinoff. A lot of good restaurants. Oh, yeah. A lot of good street food. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would love to see that. A lot of meals. Oh, a lot of meals. A lot of going to fetch burritos. Aldis, are you Greek as well? No, no. He's Albanian. I'm Albanian. Albanian. I'm a proud Albanian. Oh, my God. Dangerous folk. That's right. They...

Not to be trusted. This is like when you find a runt of a little coyote and you can keep it as a pet. But you know... This is more offensive than the Jewish part, I think. I think I'm going to back away from this. He's a little runt wolf with his, you know, a paw missing.

And I'm like, all right, we can bring him into the house. Is that why you're in Astoria? Like, I feel like you grew up in a neighborhood that's like exactly like the one that you are in right now. I grew up in Greektown in Baltimore. And I moved to Astoria because it was familiar. Yeah, I would figure that. And I like, I don't want like, it's Astoria is actually not as cheap as you think it'd be for being so far from shit. Right, right. And so I'm kind of like thinking like, all right.

all I want to do is buy a place. Cause like, you know, it's just like, I have a little money. I don't understand investing. I don't know shit. And I just, there's that feeling of this is my place that I can set it up the way I want. I know a few people that could help you out. Yeah. Hell yeah. A little bit of money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They used to be in the, they resell power wheels. Oh really? An investment opportunity. Great. I got a few ideas for what you can do with that money. I can't wait. Um,

But no, owning a place is... That's the dream, right? It's a great thing. If I do that, I'm good. You hear our story? But that's the thing. I was looking around and I really want to say, but it's like, not that... You'd think it'd be cheap because it's all Wayne Queens, but it's such a nice community and it's cute and shit that it's pretty expensive. So...

But yeah, I just like the feeling. It's familiar. People are arguing in Greek. Right. Like, it's just all the shit. And I liked it how it really is diverse in terms of like, you can get any kind of, there's different stores. Oh, I mean, this is like the famous part about Astoria is how it is the most. It rules. Different place. Everything is different. And it's the best. I mean, is the Greek food good? It's the best I've had in America. Right. Yeah, for sure. And they say that. Like, I went to Corfu. Yeah, yeah.

And like, you have food there. You're like, it's unbelievable. It's the best. And then you sound like such a douchebag. You get back and you're like, no, the tomatoes. Dude, but the tomato is right. It's right. There's a reason a Greek salad is tomato, onions, rice.

Green pepper and cheese. Right. That's it. They didn't even want lettuce. They were like, get the fuck out of here with your waste. Nothing leafy. Wasting my time. Yeah, all tasty. All the vegetables taste fucking good. Folks, you know I'm not a vegetables guy. You know that about me. Whoa, whoa, big reveal. Settle down over there, Aldous, with your fucking theatrics. Aldous almost saw out the window. I'm not a vegetable guy.

What's going on here? But I have a Greek salad literally every meal I'm in Greece. Whenever I go out, it's so good. It's a different fruit. It's not tomato. And I treat it the way you treat like fries or chicken wings where I'm like, hey, hey, how much tomato did you have? That's how good it is. I treat a salad like it's a good appetizer in Greece. Right. It's incredible. Do you go back a lot?

I'm going back this year. I didn't go. I try to go every year. Last year got a little too busy, but I'm going back this year. What will you do there? Is it family or is it? I'll see my family, but dude, I just love them. I'm straight up a beach guy. I'm such a beach guy. That's my beautiful vacation is on a beach for fucking just wake up, like hit the beach,

Take a swim. We are way more like, you know, even though you didn't have as many power wheels. No, no. My shit got stolen immediately. I am such a food on the beach, like a bottle of wine. Every fucking beach, right next to it, a fucking restaurant with tables in the sand or right above it. And you just walk over in your bathing suit. Right. And so the oldest guy you've ever seen comes out in a white suit.

that is tucked into his fucking jeans and just fucking will bring you whatever you want. I, listen, it is, that is like serenity to me. It's the best. I went to South of France last summer. Oh, look at this guy. South of France. I took a lone trip. Wow.

And I was like, I'm like, I was getting like, I was really, during the pandemic, I really turned up my podcast. I turned up everything. I went on the road. Yeah. Heavy. Like, basically it was like, they were like, will you go? And I was like, I'm kind of the perfect candidate. Yeah. Like I, my parents don't believe in it. So they would call me a pussy if I said that. That really is different style of Jew. Oh yeah. They're not, they're close to not, they were like, you know, they're in that like, oh,

Oh, what are you not going to work? You know, like... Oh, I see, I see. It supersedes. At the end of the day, you got to run the business. You got to run the business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, my parents were kind of like a little right in the center. And I am joking, folks. We've gotten... I didn't... When I made that initial anti-Semitic joke at the very beginning...

I didn't think we'd naturally get to five other opportunities. And I want to add, I skipped a couple that I was thinking. So I just do want to take this mid-show disclaimer. I'm a big fan, okay? One satirical they-run-everything joke would have been great. I wasn't expecting eight more to come up, and I'd like to make that. It is a little surprising Jared's parents didn't believe in COVID. That's all I'm saying. They believed in it.

You know, it's like the type of person they were like, we'll get the vaccine, but we're not going to like it. Right, right, right. We're going to tell you, whoa.

You know, like they're going to make a stupid face. Something to complain about. Right. Yeah, I get that. So I was this good candidate where it's like, all right, I'll get tested every time I come back, but I'll do quarter capacity. Oh, the testing was brutal. It was annoying. Every fucking day. Every week. And so I would do quarter capacity, half capacity, all that stuff. And then by the end of that, I was like so fucking tired and just pushing it. I was like, I'm going to go alone. And I'm single. Yeah. So I was like, I'm going to go alone to the south of France. Yeah.

And I'm going to go, because it was direct flight Delta. I don't know what you fly. I'm a Delta boy. Delta boys. So I go, it was direct New York to Nice. And I got there, went right to the beach. The best. And just sat out, bottle of wine in hand, like a real wino. Yes. And just like bathing suit. I was like, I got like a short, skimpy bathing suit. Like I was like, let's dress it up. Show those little nuts off. Show it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to really see it. Yeah. And did not speak to one woman. Yeah.

The whole fucking time. It's impossible. Fucking Larry Bird and that whole fucking trip. Well, foreign countries are a whole other element. Different element. They don't want us. They don't. No. There's no need for us. I think Greece is kind of my next thing. You got to go. But that is the truth about Greece, too. It is nice. It's just a weird single country.

Oh, you're not going to talk to a woman. Because you're just there for the serenity, the night, the good vibes, the like, just chilling out. But like, it's a great place if you're in a relationship. No better place. Oh my God. Because imagine what we just described with someone you love. Right. It's incredible. It's so nice. I'm going to start crying right now. I know, I know. We both need a break. Are you seeing anyone? No. I've just been too busy. Too busy? Yeah. Do you want a date? What are you, are you on the, what app are you on? Oh,

Dude, I'm not really on the apps. I just... Aldis, what do you think of this? I don't know. You'll find love someday. Thanks, Aldis. Oh, that's good. Yeah, thank you, man. Aldis or Aldis? Aldis. Like Elvis with a D. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm just... No, you're good for... Aldis, and you're married?

No, I just got engaged, actually. Oh, congratulations. Thanks. Huge, huge win for our boy. And does she get along, or he, get along with Sean? Yeah, she actually does. Yeah, yeah, no, she's great. They can hang, honestly. No, she's great. She's been great. She can hang with anyone.

We've talked about it on the show before, but there was a small period where she had to basically step up for Eldis and move into his room here because we were roommates. And so she was such a trooper because she lived with me, our other buddy, and a comic who just...

- Listen, I don't need even who was here. I can't believe you two are central casting for two men a woman wouldn't wanna move in with. - Dude. - By the end of it, she was so strong. - It would be actually like a funny scene

scene in the movie. She's like, I'll move in. Who am I going in with? And then they bring you two out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like me and her lived in this room and there was like five people living in this three bedroom apartment. It was brutal, dude. It was fucking brutal. How many years ago? It was pretty brutal for her. This was what, four, five years ago? This was before the fame, before the women. Oh, yeah. Before the, you know, the studio. Yeah, yeah.

This was the era of like, you know, someone's living in a prison cell in the living room. We had to fucking shift. Like you could not have two people fucking in this apartment. It was just back from a date early at like 1030 with some woman who's like, oh, this is where I'm about to fuck. Just me and Eldest. Watching TV. Me and Eldest eating Ben and Jerry's pints. I mean, we have $80 worth of Chinese food and we're like, oh, hey.

And this woman, like, looks into her soul and she's like, I have to go get fucked right three feet away from these guys in a windowless room. A decision I wasn't really excited about in the first place. I was like, eh, I ain't gonna fuck. He's fine enough. Hey.

I'm sure at least he'll have a comfy apartment. Yeah, yeah. You guys, again, central casting roommates. What you don't want to see. Dude, shout out to, we won't put him on blast, but our old roommate, by the end of it, dude, at first it was like, because I used to live in that little, now it's our dining room, but it used to be a fake room.

Literally, I had to be like, can everyone leave so I can have sex? Because you're in the living room. You're literally like... Hey, everybody. It's like you're the director of a movie. Like, okay, I'm going to need everyone out in the back. Clear out. And so he... By the end of it, dude, this fucking guy... Elders would be making breakfast and he's just...

Just slamming. By the end, some girl's like, we're all like fucking drinking coffee. It's literally right next to the kitchen.

fucking hilarious. It does show just like she's like if this is it if she's whooping he's slamming. Oh he had a couple a couple women down on their luck by the end of it. I remember I don't want to again blow up there I mean not these women were just like hilarious just like literally just some woman he met on a plane one time who lived this lady lived in

It's funny because his apartment was the better one. He went over there and she lived in a studio with another woman and they fucked in the studio while she was getting... So this was actually the more private option. Right. It was fucking insane, dude. When this is the good option, you are not...

flush with options. My mom, I remember, not to bring it up about my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This story reminds me of your mom too for some reason. So weird. What? This subject matter for whatever reason...

My mom's understanding of New York City, just like you said, Australia is kind of expensive too. You go, you're never having it all in New York. This idea of if you could make it here. Making it here is just like making a ton of really big compromises where you just get used to living squalorish existence. Absolutely. Because you're like, you know that woman, nice woman, she lived with a roommate in a studio. You go, not my dream.

scenario. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then she comes here, she goes, this is what it is. Like my mom, she would be like, I'll be like, okay, I'm moving to the West Village and she would go,

Is there a parking spot for you? Get out of here. Who am I, Matt Damon? Right. We don't live in the same reality. We live two different parallel universes. Yeah, you have to have like $20 million. Right. Minimum. To live in just what a regular good life is. Right. Anywhere else. I went to Kansas City and there was like a little coffee shop. It looked like this Hansel and Gretel coffee shop.

and I walked there every day. I just loved this little coffee shop and people would pull up in like Lexuses, Mercedes, two kids in the back. You know, they're dressed nice. I heard this guy with his two kids, he's going, we're gonna go to the boat today. Just chill out. Have your scone. And I was like, they're

They're not making a billion dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they're not making 500 grand. They're not doing this much better than I am doing. No, certainly not. They just fucking... I think about that, too. They just live in the right place. I know, I know. Would you ever go anywhere else...

There's no Greek town anywhere else. I've been thinking about it. I don't think so, man. I just do love me. Like, I've really been considering it because I'm like, I've been on the road so much this year that I'm barely here. I'm the same way. I'm on the road all the time. And I'm like, well, what the fuck am I doing here? But I don't know. At the end of the day, I just can't pull the trigger. When I'm here, I feel good. Like, it is a weird lifestyle to leave. Like, you know, I walk around my apartment. I have like seven coffee shops. When I'm here for a week, I hit all seven every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not like a normal life. Do you want to have a family? At some point, but I'm not too pressed about it. If it happens, it happens. See, I want to have a family. And then I do have this moment where I'm like, I'm not going to have city kids. I don't want to live horrendously.

just to have a kid here. It feels illegal. Like when children are in Manhattan, I'm like, the police should arrest their parents. Absolutely. Children should be bussed in to go to museums and they should be out by 2 p.m. Like Manhattan, you talk to your friends. I like that you care about the culture. There's culture, there's stuff. These kids must get their culture. Get the fuck out. There's a late lunch curfew.

We do not need to be here. When happy hours start, children have to be out. Get out of here. You know? Right. The purge is about to begin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's my, so I know what you mean in terms of like, yeah, like your kid being, like our friends who like are from Manhattan, they're weird people. Weird. Weird people. Bizarre. That's kind of why I like Queens. Well, that's, someone the other day was like, you know, 15 in Manhattan is like a 30-year-old. Yeah. They've done cocaine. They've had anal sex. Right. Like that.

They're like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah. These rich kids, dude? Absolutely. The one thing I always reference when it comes to city kids is like, if you didn't struggle to get to the movies before you had a license. Right, right, right. Like, that was the ultimate suburban struggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do we get there? We got to get to a movie, and we got to get there on time. And I got to bother my mom. I always think about, well, I don't want my kid to know what ramen is until they're 20. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like real ramen. Like douche food. Yeah. And you don't mean that for like Asian people. You more mean it like I don't want like white guy knowing what ramen is. I just thought ramen was a 99 cent packet. Right. I didn't know it was that. And then my friend literally one time was like, you want to go get ramen? And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

We're going to go to a restaurant for a fucking... Like, I literally had no concept that it was based on something. Have you had it in a restaurant? Yeah, I love it now. It's unbelievable. I love it now. I'm a huge ramen guy, but I just... The idea that a child would have real ramen... Right. Like, I see... I go to Brooklyn, and I see a seven-year-old using chopsticks, a white seven-year-old using chopsticks perfectly, and I'm like, this kid's parents have shown him too much. He's perfectly...

He's perfectly doing the chopsticks and the spoon at the same time. He's better at it than I am. You're like, oh my God, this guy, he's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's Neo. But it's, so I don't know. I do, I definitely know what you mean by that. But I could also see a life, I could see my life going down the path of like, I'm perfectly suited to be an uncle. Yeah.

You are. That's a very involved uncle. You know what I mean? That's the other reason I think about New York is it's like East Coast. My family's never going to, my brother's never going to leave Baltimore, the Baltimore area. One of them anyway, for sure. So it's like, he's probably going to have kids. I want to be around, you know what I mean? And so it's like, I could see, and if like, I could see myself just being in a, you know, I want to get like married at some point. Right. And we could be that couple that doesn't have kids. That's like, you know, your cool, your cool uncle from the city that,

- Right. - You know, they come in for a weekend. - You know what they should do with Manhattan, with New York, is turn it into Uncle Island. - Uncle Island, dude. Uncle motherfucking Island. - Right, you have everyone, you're only allowed to live in Manhattan if you wanna be an uncle or an aunt forever.

So you just, everyone's here fucking. Yep. Everyone agrees. Everyone's on the pill. We get tested before. We get all our STD checks once a week. I love that. And it's Uncle on Island. Uncle on Island. Everyone's busting inside. Busting inside. There's no, you know. Coming in it. And then we're all hanging out on Uncle on Island.

And then, like, we go, like, we are good uncles and aunts. Like, we are the best. The best. Here on the island, there's only toy stores for your nieces and nephews that you can, like, send out toys. The 2 o'clock curfew, you got to have your kid out. Get him out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then at night, nightfall, the aunts and uncles will play. Yeah.

Bob Seger playing. Or how about this? Night moves. Yeah, yeah. There's a week every season where that's nephew, niece week. Right, they come to visit. Where everyone comes to visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we get to do uncle and aunt shit. I love that.

- I love that, I love that. - Movies, eat whatever the fuck you want, good restaurants, have a little beer. Yeah, I think we got something here. - Oh, that's awesome. - I think we gotta run for mayor. - I love that, co-mayorship of Uncle Island. And we're renaming Manhattan Uncle Island. - Uncle Island.

All right, well, we should now that where our brains are really finally fine idea mode It's time to it's time to hit these motherfuckers with some advice elders. Why don't you pull up some questions here? Yeah the podcast you stole yeah Why don't we transition over to Jared's podcast now? We're not batting with your numbers listen

different algorithm. Hi, Bobby. I'm reaching out with a question related to housing. Basically, I just moved into a new place. It's a group house.

It's below my means because I was thinking of quitting my job at the time that I was moving and pretty much whatever job I have next, I'm going to be making less money. So I wanted to feel unencumbered financially to quit my job, right? So that's when I moved into this fucking disgusting place with three roommates who are kind of feral, I would say. Feral? Yeah.

fish skin in the sink overnight. One of them literally, like, adopted a cat while I was out of town. So I came back and the girl who adopted the cat was in here, but there was literally, like, a cat in heat, like, running around, like, screaming. Cats and fish? What is it, Garfield? Yeah, I know. I know.

One of my other roommates just is always pissed off on Mondays. He won't let anyone have any of his lasagna, even though he makes a big tin and he can't finish it.

Basically, I'm thinking of trying to ask the landlord if he'll even let me. They'll let me break the lease, but at the very least, I think I could have a sub-letter. There's nothing against that in the lease. But I'd be moving out. I'd be living somewhere slightly above my means, so I would feel kind of like I need to stay at my job for the duration of that lease.

Anyways, basically I'm just asking if you think, you know, I need to just tough it out. I like have been like, I think it is possible that I could like teach the people who I'm living with how to not be disgusting. I've been keeping a little list of like helpful tips of like, you know, maybe don't leave like dishes in the sink overnight. Maybe like wrap up like your menstrual products before you throw them away. Like that type of thing.

I don't know. Part of me is like, you just got to kind of tough it out because ultimately the financial freedom to leave your job is the most important thing. That is important. But it is disgusting here. So if you have any thoughts. She's calling us from the dump. Yeah, absolutely. It is disgusting here. There's cat shit everywhere. My roommate says this is.

Would you say anything important at the end, Eldest? Sorry. No, no, it's okay. I don't think so. Thanks, man. A lot of faith in you, man. Yeah. Hold on. My roommate said this is... Whatever. Fuck you, Eldest. She could have spoken up a little bit. She could. She could. And we usually have the transcription, but we did it a different way because we thought we might have been remote this week. But, yeah, so this is a classic dilemma here. So,

Let's run through it again. Let's run through it. So she basically signs up for this apartment because it's less money and she can live her dreams. Yeah, she wants to leave her job. So she was like, I got to get a place that's a little cheaper. But now all the roommates are fucking disgusting and it's really affecting her quality of life. And so she's like, I could probably get a sublease.

But then she's like, I don't want to get a place that's too expensive because then I'm locked into my job. Also, moving is expensive, too. I don't think moving is really an option. You've already moved once. That cost you some. There was cost in that. Now you're going to move again? Well, there are costs. But at the same time, I feel like early 20s moving around, it's like you have three bags. You don't have any furniture. You're moving into this disgusting group house. Remember when you were in that fucking horrible place in Bushwick?

We got all your shit in my car, didn't we? Or was that... Didn't we... Who did we move in my car? I don't think that was me, but I did basically do that with that move. Yeah, you didn't have... A buddy... I had three bags of clothes. I packed them all like an hour before. I told my buddy to come by with his car. I just put a bunch of shit in trash bags and pulled up here and probably never took them out of the bags the whole time I lived there.

Right, I guess if you're moving into one room in a three-bedroom, you're not coming with your couches and kitchen supplies. Yeah, maybe they can have the Billy Ikea bookshelf that you fucking built. Maybe just leave that there and spend $70 for another one. I think, though, in general, this question of, like, toughing it, you know, having a place below your means so that you can tough it out, there's a couple things. Just philosophically, I think you need to live in a shittier place

as you can handle, but not one that actively ruins your life and mental health. That's the thing, though. Considering her message, she comes in with the priority is the job. I do think your job... And we don't know, by the way, what the job is and what she's trying to pursue either. We don't know, but the dream...

The dream is easier at a young age when she can do this. For sure. Not as easy as she gets older. So, like, again, toughing it out, there's levels of it. I agree with you. But, like, let's know that you do this today so you don't have to do this tomorrow. Right. She can't go to stay in her job another year that doesn't allow her to pursue the dream that she wants to pursue. Right.

Because she's now putting it off another year. You're a year behind. And it's going to be harder a year from now because then you're going to be used to dinners out and a nicer place. Now is the time to do these things. For sure. And I think, like, I think there's a...

I think there's something to trying with these people, but also like... I don't know, man. Teaching someone how to fucking... You're not going to change another 22-year-old. Well, I don't think you can... You can't go on the attack. You can't make it personal. The fish in the sink, the cat running around in heat, those are two examples that you can't come out at. You have to make it a mathematical discussion, not an emotional attack. Yeah.

That's the most important thing here. Because if you go in there and you go, your fucking cat is humping my leg. Get the fuck out of here. And we got to have rules changed so they're going to go, fuck you. Fuck you, the cat pussy juice stays. Right, right. It becomes as emotional like the mask situation. It wasn't people didn't want to put masks. They didn't want to be told

to put on the mask. So you have to, we have to adjust. We have to play the art of war here. Right, right, right. To me, if she goes to them and says, hey, I'm ready to move in. I'm here. Every place I've ever lived at, we've had just 10 rules.

Just 10. Let's negotiate. What are our 10? Yeah. You know, and if you make it about these 10 rules that you didn't have before, but you just say, you make it up. You go, we're going to, I've done this at every apartment. This is my, this is kind of my grift right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And make it back. This is the effort I'm asking her to make is,

I got these 10 rules wherever I live, and we lived by them. Let's come up together. Now you make it, we're doing it together. Yeah. Let's decide as a group. We'll sign at the bottom, a little contract. What are the 10 rules that we abide by? And then one of the rules is-

The sink is never full before bed. Dude, as the shittiest roommate in every house I've ever been in, I would assign that with a smile on my face. And then literally four days in, I'd be like, I'll get...

I'll get it before she gets out. I'm going to leave the same, but I'm going to get it in like 20 minutes. This episode of American dad is heating up. I got to see what Roger's up to. I don't want to watch the day. Maybe they'll find out he's an alien. So I know in theory, I know what you're saying. Here's what it does though. Yeah. You're doing more now than you would have done without the list.

But not enough for her sanity. I'm saying she's at fish in the sink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's as bad as it can ever be. Can we get it a little more livable than that? Right, and we don't need them coming back with, well, fuck you. We need them trying...

So I'm saying what you just said right now, like, I'll get to it before she wakes up. Just that it's on your mind. But what I'm saying is, that doesn't last. Within two weeks, I'm back to normal. Right. I know. So I know what you're saying, and I think this is like...

The most important thing to her is this new life. Well, so, okay, let's talk about this, right? Because there is a difference between cheap and disgusting, right? Like, she just, if she had three people that were like her in that shitty apartment, she'd be fine. Right. Yeah, but that's not the issue. But what I'm saying is, like, did she, has she done her due diligence in terms of, like,

You can live in a shitty place, but she's found out that her biggest problem, it sounds like, is cleanliness. Right. Right? And not amenities, right? So I guess my... When I hear this, because I've lived in places that, like, drive me crazy. Right. And...

It just fucked my mental health up so bad that I wasn't pursuing my dream. So if she's living in this shitty place and she's depressed all the time and she's not really pursuing her dream anyway, I guess my thing is like, from the perspective of a shitty roommate myself, if some bitch was like, hey, I'm trying to quit my job at Deloitte to work on my poetry. Can you do the dishes more? I'd be like, suck my dick.

You knew what you signed up for, bitch. You saw what we looked like. It cost $400 a month. You saw what we're like. That's how I would respond, right? Well, it is interesting that she's like, it's either this apartment. Me in my 20s anyway, right? Fair. No, I'm with you. Yeah. But it isn't, she's described this as such a vacuous thing.

She's like, it's either I live in this place or I go live in the fine, you know, penthouse suite. I do agree. Like, I don't understand why she can't look for another place in Sublet that might take time, but at least it's like somewhere that's not here. And now you're a better buyer. It's like the first time I looked at apartments in New York. I went in the apartment. I go, this is good.

And then I got in the apartment, signed the lease, got in there. Shower pressure was fucking dog shit. Right, right, right. So now my next apartment, I went to the... And now every time I look at an apartment, I go, first move. Yeah. Open that shower. I go see that pressure. So she's a better buyer now just for... Now she's seen...

what a disgusting is. Yes, yes, yes. So now she should take notes on all her roommates. Yeah. And then when you go look at the next place that's dog shit cheap. Yeah. You're like, well, they have fish bones in the sink too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should have noticed that the first time. Let's go look at the next place. Or bring up cleanliness. Bring up like your 10 rules. Right. The 10 rules is something you can bring up

like, because also in D, I don't know where she is, but like, D.C. is such a fucked up place where they have like, you have to basically interview to get into a group house and you have to discuss like, cleanliness and shit like that. People do that with Craigslist.

Roommates thing. Yeah, you interview a roommate. I guess I've been very lucky that I lived with literally my best friends. Right. And then they just kept... Their lives kept improving. And they got moved in with, like, significant others. And I'm like, I'll hold down the pad. I got you. I'll hold down the fucking... You can come here to get high and watch, you know, Kickboxer with Jean-Claude Van Damme, which we probably... Which is on the list for this weekend, by the way. How about this? Here's another solution. Yeah. Okay. And...

This is a money play. I just had a cleaning woman come to my apartment from Handy. It costs 200 bucks, but she's got three roommates. So let's create a fund where we put towards 20 bucks a week, each of us, towards the cleaning woman fund. And now you go on Handy, it's getting paid for. It can only get so bad from cleaning. Now you get back to zero every week. Well, that's interesting, actually. That's a great point. Because we...

when... So this apartment has seen so many different iterations. But there was a point where Elderson moved out, our other... Our original roommates were all moving out and I was going to get a buddy, an old college roommate who were, you know, one of my best friends. But he had lived with me in my 20s and he was like, I cannot live with you if you don't pick up after yourself. And I was like...

I will buy a cleaning lady. Right, right. I will like, here's our compromise. Right. Twice a month, like, I will be a piece of shit. Right. But twice a month, I will do this. Right. You know what I mean? So yeah, that's a good, that's a nice potential solution here. Right, instead of the, you know, and if it's, when you split it amongst three people, it's not that bad. No. There's all these services now. I use Handy. I mean, I had the woman, she messaged me yesterday. Handy is what it's called? Handy. I knew you were going to love that.

I mean, come on, guys. What are we doing? She literally, I wrote, I texted her yesterday. I posted it. Yeah. And it's so funny because like my bathroom, like I don't do it every now, I don't do it a lot. Yeah. Because I'm like, it's just me. I live alone. Yeah. The woman messaged me after she was done. There's like an app for it. She wrote, sorry, I tried the best I can. The bathroom was very difficult. Brutal. And I'm like, what?

I bet you have some coarse pubes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I bet you have some thick pubes. Judging off the eyebrows. Oh, yeah, yeah. You look at these full head eyebrows. I don't even want to think what those pubes are like. No, you can't get them off the ground. You got to go individually. Hey, a tweezer. Yeah, a tweezer, mom. Yeah, these pubes ain't leaving.

They're as bad as her new roommates They're fucking chilling So yeah I mean It might be a good solution for her though But it's also like I do think in general my advice to you would be You're right in terms of These are the years to do If it's ever it's now And like you can't put me back In that fucking box With three other people in here

No chance, but when I was 25 and I was like, I just moved to the city. I have no money I'm driven. It's also like how and by okay. Here's the other thing I'll say is

She's talking about this in kind of nebulous terms about I want to leave my job to pursue something and it's like What are you talking about? You need a real plan, right? It's kind of back to the thing you're done by with you and your brother There's too many dreams in this apartment. You can't just be a dreaming with no Duncan don't know don't confuse hope for a plan exactly cuz right now cuz you think if she was in the middle of her thing and seeing a little

Right. Like when I lived in Squalor, I was still like, oh, I'm getting to open for this person. I just got passed at this club. The money's coming in a little bit. And I'm always out because I'm always working on stand up and I'm feeling progress. She hasn't started attacking her thing. Right. So you don't have one of the best solves when you live in bullshit because you're trying to afford a dream is the dream is doing the thing. So if you're just kind of planning to do it and you haven't started it,

You're not going to be motivated. My suggestion, personally, just my read on the situation is like, get a setup that is a little more livable, that is bare bones, but doesn't make you depressed and crazy. And then in the meantime, while you're doing all this, figure out exactly when you want to leave your job. Figure out exactly how much money you'll need because you might be living under your means too low, right?

And it's affecting your mental health where it's like you can maybe afford a little something. You've got to actually figure out. I literally was like, I can afford $500 a month. No, you're right. This is a big thing for comics. We don't really talk about it this way, but we are professionals at going after our dreams. The minute you math it out, it gets a little bit more consumable. And what you're saying is totally right. Where you go, okay, I need this nut a month. Once you know that,

Like, you know, anytime I've been asked advice on comedy, I'm like, get a job that makes comedy work. You know, make it so you don't make decisions based on money. So if it's like a nannying gig and you go from, like a nannying gig from 10 to 6, there you go. You did it. And if your living stuff is done...

You're doing the dream and then just like you said, as the dream becomes more and more realized, you don't give a fuck about that you're sleeping on a box. No. You go, the box is going to go. I'm heading towards Mattressville. Mattressville, yeah. Mattressville Town, USA, we're coming. Right. Any day now. And to your point before, there's nothing harder than sitting in first class when you've already flown private. I think there's a couple harder things. No.

I told you, two power wheels. You gotta start listening. You gotta start living like you had two power wheel stuff, okay? You gotta. But to the point of like. How about middle economy after you flew first class? My worst nightmare. Comfort plus? I ain't no comfort plus bitch.

The thing is, have you flown private stuff? I have. You have. You know, it ain't nothing like private. It does feel strange. Yeah. I shout out to kids. Super flew us out to Paris in the Puma jet. I saw those pictures. Yeah. It was crazy. It does feel crazy. Um,

I'm happily back in first class, but if I had to go, but if I had to go normal, but you know, this ain't the best. Yeah, absolutely. You know, and that's the same with her. Like, listen, go do your fucking first class shit. Now you'll get to fucking private later. Yeah. You don't want to be, you're in private now. You're at this job where you're making money and you haven't even pursued your dream yet. It's going to be tough to go. Don't get locked into this. No. Um, so yeah, I think,

Make a plan for the dream. Math it out. Know exactly what you need. Maybe you have to live here because of the budget. That's what it means. You just got to do it. Maybe get the cleaning lady. But I would suggest making a plan and figuring out

And yes, like you said, she's a better buyer. If you have to make the move, you know a little bit about what you can stomach now. You can find new disgusting things that work for you. Right, right, right, right. And you're still at the job, right? So you have a little, you still haven't made the leap. So she has a little expendable income. You got to make the leap because right now, you're right. It's too much of a, she's made it into Everest. Yeah, yeah. When it might just be,

The first step might just be like a little hill. Yeah, and look, honestly, the first steps of my comedy started when I had a solid day job, right? Right. Like, I worked... Actually, the times I spent... I got the best at comedy was probably... There was a year where I was a paralegal that did nothing. Mm.

But I had a, I was at work, it's fucking 8 a.m. and I, and I did open mics from like 6 to fucking, you know, 10. But that's the thing. And so you might, she might not even need to leave the job yet. Right, right. She doesn't even know. You need a real, you need, it sounds like you didn't really plan it out, you haven't started it and you went, you're like, I should live in a sewer to save money. And,

You might not need to live in the sewer. You might be able to live, you know, you might be able to live in a fucking tent. Right. You know what I mean? Like, so I would just figure that out for yourself and then plan accordingly. But good luck, little buddy. We're rooting for you. Go you. Give us another one, LD. Hey, Stavi. Love the show, man, and all the content you put out. So I'm calling in today to get some dating advice.

So I'm 27 years old and I live in Indianapolis, Indiana. Now what's been making dating difficult for me is the fact that I don't want kids on apps and you know, other things like that. I can kind of see, okay, who has kids, who doesn't or you know, who wants them, who doesn't, all that type of stuff. But out in public, that's not the case. And I can't just go up to women and be like, Hey, do you want kids right off the bat in a convo? Cause that's obviously weird.

So my dilemma is it's hard for me to get emotionally involved or kind of get invested, not really knowing if they want to have kids or if they don't. So for me, that's kind of a roadblock because it's like if they don't want kids, okay, cool, I can get emotionally invested in them. I can keep pursuing things. But if they want to have kids and I find that out like three months in that it's kind of like, well, shit, all that time was wasted and it's kind of like that's the end of it.

So I'm not really knowing how to go about this and I'm probably just overthinking it all, but how should I pursue conversations and just other things in public with women when I don't really know where they're kind of wanting to take that.

Anyways, thanks, Stav, and appreciate all the content again. And please come to Indianapolis sometime soon. Bye-bye. Great restaurants in Indianapolis. Really? There's a place called Milk Toast. That's fucking unreal. And then there's Blue Bell or something. Oh, fuck. You got to look this up. I met the owner. That's matted to the fucking... You know what? Maybe we will tour in Indianapolis. Dude, the best...

One of the best restaurants. Because they have like a scene that's cheaper to open places. Interesting, interesting. Blue something, milk toast, milk tooth. Milk tooth. That's a great breakfast. Looks awesome. It's a great fucking breakfast. Love that. And then the other place is Blue Something. Look up Blue Something Restaurant. Blue Beard. Blue Beard.

and my brother, someone from the Bears, sent us there. Nice, dude. And that place... Looks awesome. Inventive, great, and the guy who owns it, he was the tour manager for Jimmy Buffett. Get the fuck out of here. He was sitting next to my brother and I. You're speaking Elders' language right now. We got a parent head producing this show. Oh, dude, you love... This guy was awesome. They came to my show. Him and his wife came to my show that night. He's a tour... And he's, like, bought up, like, from his Jimmy Buffett...

money, I guess. He bought up this whole section of Indianapolis and he's made it into this really cool... There's a theater there that he runs and they're trying to turn it into a thing. But the food is inventive. It's great. Just a great dining experience. That's awesome. I love that. Not to get us on Plug City. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Shout out to Bluebeard. Yeah, they were great. I love this guy's call because...

If you're dating in Indianapolis, you have to treat not wanting to have kids the way you have to treat having kids here. It's like, how early in Indianapolis do I have to tell her I don't want kids? As if he's got a seven-year-old at home. This is so fucking funny because...

This really is not that. I mean, it's such a funny problem to have. He's making it into more than it has to be. So much more. And you don't wait three months. No, three months is crazy. He is, this is, again, we had this conversation earlier. The apps have kind of like, they're made for nerd losers. So like he's calling because he's like, on the apps, it's easy. I just put it on my profile. No questions asked. No interaction with humans. He goes on the apps. Why is it so easy?

apps and not a person oh you mean interpersonal conversations are tough and might have awkwardness yeah guess what welcome to human life so on the app he has this wonderful world of again we're the google generation we look up the restaurant before we go on the app he gets to see the menu and he can see women because there are women who don't want kids he is not a

- You can filter for don't want kids. - Right, so now he only looks at women who don't want kids. He's never felt discomfort.

Hey to this guy and also here's something that's really good for him. Yes He does want a relationship right the way he wrote in was in a way He's not looking to use this to fuck which a lot of men do right they go all wait three months Oh, I don't want kids. Oops. I guess we're broken out of jail free car. Right you get out of here Oh, we can't get over this one thing. You know, it's like a bullshit tactic Yeah, this guy really genuinely seems like he's looking to get he said emotionally invested. I don't want to get too far and

This is a first date conversation to me. I don't know if it's first date. Why not? Kids first date. What do you think of kids? I actually want to let you know because if you don't want to have kids, you have to admit that you are outside of the norms of public. I know you said like with New York, it's a different thing. I guess so, yeah. But he is in Indianapolis. He has to realize he's a little different than most.

He has to let them know, hey, I just want to let you know, like, I've made this decision for myself. It's not a judgment on someone who wants kids. But this is a decision I've made no matter who the partner is. And I want to make sure you know that first date. I don't think it's a waste of time to go on a first date with someone who doesn't want kids. Because maybe there is a sexual compatibility and has sex and they move on. They're friends with benefits or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

First date, hey, it's really great meeting you. What are your feelings on kids? That's how you say it. First? I'm saying it. First seems a little... Yeah, I think if you want kids, you don't have to.

Okay, interesting. I think if you don't and you're in an area where people genuinely want kids, hey, what are your feelings on kids? And again, this isn't first sentence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is we're having a good day. We're having a conversation. I do like them. Hey, you know, because they want an emotional connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love, yeah, he's got to treat it like, I say he has to treat it like herpes. Where before you fuck, you're like, hey, I'm not going to bust in you and I never will.

Because I don't want kids. You're right in their ear. Hey. Hey, just so you know. Just so you know. But I can go grab a condom if you want. Yeah. But I do think it's a first date thing. I think it's like... First to me seems a little... But I guess you're also right. It's Indianapolis. But he's 27. It's not... No, but he's in... He has an emotional connection. And here's the other reason. I got to push back because he goes...

He definitely does not want kids. So it's not like he's flimsy on it. Right, right, right. It would be a third day. It would be later in the conversation if he was like, ah, it depends on the person. I see. He has made the decision. Yeah. It is over for him. Now, he might need to rethink that after hearing us. Maybe he hears us and he goes, well, it's not that. Then it's like, okay, then maybe you hold off on this. Maybe it's not your religion. It sounds like it's his religion.

Okay, I guess I am somewhere in between. He's talking about three months in. Three months, no. I mean, that's crazy. Way too late. But I think it is the kind of... Here's where I would put it. Somewhere in the, like, when we're making the jump from, like, something casual to a real relationship. I think it's got to be before you have sex. Oh, wow. I don't think it's fair. Again, I'm saying this as a person...

Who has said things like that? Fucking 1800s Jared over here. Well, you must let the lady know. You don't want to sire an heir.

I am not, listen, this is easier advice to give than to tell. I'm not saying I'm above a person who had sex without giving every bit of information that they want for their future. You know, I'd like to, you know, the old thing that guys do, and I'm saying, I'm not even saying this as like a, you know, I'm not telling them anything. You go, you know, when someone says, are you looking for a relationship? Yeah, with the right person is what people genuinely say. And I genuinely feel that way. I would love a relationship with the right person.

And then you go, oh, we've had, I don't know, you ran over three people on the way here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you bust, that clarity comes in very beautifully. But I do think that... You're on the limitless pill for the two minutes after you bust. You're the smartest man in the world. Where am I? Wait, I'm doing the math. Oh.

I hate this woman. I've made a giant mistake. Well, that's the point. It's like, because it's not to him, he's saying this. He's come filled. Right. Yeah. Calling us. Yeah. Come filled brain. I don't want kids. Yeah. Right. Right. So he knows it would be disingenuous. But I guess my point, I guess my only issue with that is like,

It's like, what if you said that and the girl's like, what the fuck? Like, why are we talking about kids? Like in a way where it's like, now we're assuming, like it'd be one thing if he went on a date with a woman he knew didn't want kids or wanted kids, right? But it's like to bring up

That I don't want kids. That's what. No, no, no. It feels so weird and like, like you're talking about, I don't know if I want a destination wedding or to be married in my hometown. It just feels like a weirdly presumptuous thing. This bitch, what is, this bitch doesn't know that she wants kids with you. No, no, no. That's why I feel like it has to, there has to be a little chemistry. You've already, there has to be a little chemistry. I don't, but you just said something very different than what he said. Okay. What you just said is she doesn't know if she wants kids with you.

Which is right. You're right. He's saying, I don't want kids at all, no matter who the person is. This is not personal to her. This isn't about them fucking. This is about him going, and again, it's all in how you serve the food. You go, it's not, would you have kids with me? It's how do you feel about having children? What's your perspective? They might say, it's got to be with the right person. They might be flimsy, flappy, whatever they are. He is writing here, and he is calling here, specifically with one idea.

He has never said, I don't know. He knows. Sure. And it's why he's calling in. Okay, so I guess basically we're... It's like...

I will say this. It's like the gentlemanly move because he could very possibly talk himself out of pussy by being like, hey, by the way, I don't want kids. And the girl's like, you're being presumptuous. This is weird. I don't even want to fuck. You know what? Let's forget it. And so basically he risks that, but he might not waste money.

Another woman's time. So that's the more cautious approach. I guess I just don't. I guess I don't. My brain has devalued sex where it's like, who cares if you fuck someone? It's like to me, it's like, do we have any chemistry? Do we have sexual chemistry? Could we have a future? Well, that's kind of the way I look at things. But but in that. But if you want to bump a future over sex, then yes. Well, when he says emotional connection, I don't want to get too far.

He's worried about his own time. That's fair. So, like, I agree. That's the PEMDAS when it comes to, you know, random date that I'd love to fuck and we'll see what happens. Yes, yes, yes. He is coming and his PEMDAS is totally different than that. That's fair, that's fair. I'm looking for an emotional connection. Yeah, it's just, I...

I think he'll be happier that way. I think you're right. No, no, okay. I'm glad we talked this out. We really put this through its paces and we got to it. But check out Blackbeard's Restaurant when you're in Indianapolis. Bluebeard's. Bluebeard's. Sorry, sorry. Bluebeard's Chicken. I sat at the bar. I would say it was one of the better meals I've had this whole year. I'm trying to go, dude. That sounds awesome. It was great. Let's do one more. You got time for one more, my friend? Let's do one more. I got to go to... Oh, yes, yes. How long is this ride going to be, you think? 45 minutes to an hour? Probably an hour.

I got two. So I'm good. You're good. Yeah, I'm good. Uber, check out the fucking... Call your Uber right now, dude. Well, I want to make sure. Yeah, yeah. We'll pot until Uber gets here. I feel like I'll lose you guys. Yeah, we don't give a fuck. My show, I'll come out. The last episode, fucking the first three minutes was just Eldis' ass as he was fixing my mic. That's the kind of show we run around here. The Eldis' ass episode. Yeah.

Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldis. Coming to you with some advice. I'll call the Uber right now. And leave if he gets here before me. I'm going to get an Uber Black. I've got ten minutes. There you go. Oh, true. I do love that. All right. Hit us with it, Eldis. So I have a friend. He's a male. Known him for about three years. We built a pretty big friend group around us.

We've always kind of questioned this guy's sexuality. Doesn't really go on many dates. Never really seen him with a girl. But, you know, like, he'll tell us stories about how he hooked up with a milf or some chick when obviously none of us were around. Oh, awesome. Anyways, it came out recently that he fucked a guy. And we can confirm that, seen the red receipts, everything. So, you know, he is a closeted gay man, but the whole friend group now knows. That's the eldest.

And he's definitely closeted for reasons, like, you know, he has a very conservative family that probably you don't want to know. But my question is, how do you handle this? Do we let him know that we know? Do we let him tell us? What we don't want is just, you know, him to try to come up with some story about how he, you know, hooked up with a chick or something. How do they know? I thought he said his friend told him. Yeah.

He didn't specify, but they had some kind of proof. He also said they have the red receipts and everything. I don't know if that's literal. So he said anyways he came out. So they figured it out. He didn't come out. I see. But they somehow in one way or another, they find out that he's had sex with a guy. I don't like that. I don't like snooping behind your friend's back. That's kind of weird. But anyway, let's finish. There's a nice way to look at it that they just found out. Sure. They found out, and then there's the other way where like,

I think he's gay. Let's go look through his phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I would hope is not the case. Let's dig through his trash and look for shit-covered condoms. Real expedition by these guys. Real douchey expedition. We've got to make sure we know. Yeah, let's see. Does this guy have any douche? Has he been douching?

You're looking for poppers. It's a literal douche. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, this guy doesn't have a VCR? What is he doing with this? All right, I'll just finish it up for us. What was that pretty much? And, you know, just make himself look stupid, not knowing that we all know about his sexuality. Right, now they're, like, worried that, like, they have to act. Let me know what you do in this situation. Appreciate it.

Look 40 years back. Oh, my God. We're going to have to look like we have to lie to our friend. Let's hope, to me, if they're worried about lying to their friend and to their face, I'm assuming that they found out that he's gay via nicer ways than...

trying to find out. I don't know. I don't know. This guy, look, he's young. He sounds like kind of a dumbass. And also, we've all been there, too. I'm not trying to put him on blast. I remember, I mean, we grew up in a much more homophobic time. Let's not forget Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton ran against gay marriage both in 08. So, here, or was that 08? I did not expect an hour and a half and you to get, like, with these political nuggets. Well, I'm just...

I'm just saying like... You talked about Greece and the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not forget. Yeah. And let's not forget who installed Obama as president after Rosh Hashanah. Wait, what? Don't quit on me now, Jared. I said ten times is enough. That was my limit.

We signed a contract before I came here. I took a risk. Ten anti-Semitism tropes. I'm out of here. We're making a list. Anyway, yeah, I mean, look, I remember us having almost the exact same conversations where it's like, we know this guy's gay. You know, and like doing kind of shitty, like, I think it's possible they did

They did snoop around and did fuck his privacy up and did something kind of shitty and looked through his phone and like, that's the vibe I'm getting. In the way a friend would maybe, I guess. Like in the way you go, is he? And then you're like...

You know, snooping around your... I guess I could understand, like, the idea of, like... Like, I lived in a fraternity house. Like, I remember there was one guy... Oh, I'm sure there were a couple big-time closet cases in there. Well, we actually had, like, out, you know, gay men in the house at certain points and eras. But they... Again, like, you know, we were the classic, you know, douchey frat guys. Of course, of course. But even stuff like... There was a friend of ours that, like, we were like, we don't think he goes to class.

Everyone was like, I've never seen him in class once, but he would always walk around with a backpack. So then he left his backpack in the room, and we're like, dude, let's go through his backpack. Let's see if he goes to class. And it was all like Reese's rappers. And it's like, to me, that's similar to like... Was he fat? No, he was just like this big, nice guy. That would have been so funny. You would have been... Some fat guy just had candy in his backpack. Just so cartoonish. Right, right. The only thing it could be was candy. Like, my backpack's full of gyros and fucking...

White sauce? What is this? So, but it was a sad, to me, it's a similar sadness levels, obviously, of like, yeah, you don't want your friend not going to school acting like he can't tell us that he can't get through college, you know, in the same way. They don't want to, like, have to, like, like, they probably felt when they found whatever they found, they probably go,

This isn't as fun as we thought it would to go and see. Of course. It feels horrible when you actually find it. What you want is to not get any evidence, but to have like some clues. Right. Where it's fun and jokey. Yeah. You don't want to discover like your friend, like a picture of him getting just throat fucked. And then. What are you?

In what world is that? I put it on the windowsill. If they're on his phone, you never know. You don't want to find an... Here's what you definitely don't want. Sexually explicit image followed by his diary where he's like, it happened again, but this time it was the last time. I've been going to church. I've been praying. I know this cure will take this time. That's the worst thing you could possibly... You'd feel horrible. I also think...

a big part of this is like, it's like when someone's in a bad dream, you don't like shake them awake right away. That's kind of the metaphor here. It's like, you don't want to go up to him and be like, we know you're gay. Like this guy comes from a conservative family. Like this is a big fucking thing for him. Huge. Huge. Like, like injure his friend. Like you want to show him that you're there for him, but you don't want to like show him that you went through his shit and get,

because it comes from, you know, going through these accusations do come from a place of somewhat homophobia. Right, right, right. You know, the idea that you're living, you know, like all this stuff. So, like, there's a lot of layers here where I think whoever's closest with him

needs to like if I was like close to them be like hey man you know you can tell us anything you need yeah like whatever you want episode of Will and Grace right anything that comes up to mind Queer Eye right after yeah just whatever you're thinking about all the pictures on the windowsill you change them to throat fucking yeah yeah yeah yeah you know my favorite member of NSYNC was Lance Bass any thoughts

Right? I think coming in with love and affection and like, hey, man. Don't make it feel like an intervention. Right, right, right. We know you're hiding something. And here's the other thing. Here's another element. If this guy's deeply closeted and he's got so much shame associated, if he just fucked a guy for the first time, who knows what's going on? He feels like shit. You know what I mean? So you definitely don't want to... Yeah, don't make it feel like an intervention. Great point. Don't confront him.

Just kind of slow. And just like a subtle like, hey man, if you ever need to like open up about anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm totally here for you. And there is nothing you could tell me that would freak me out or make us not. I killed my mom. You're like, whoa! What if he kills her to cover up that he's gay? She found my gay porn. So I shot her in the fucking head. Turns into a whole different scenario.

But no, I think you're absolutely right where it's like, you guys, if it sounds like you guys probably did something a little fucked up, even if it came from a good place and you have to tread very lightly here. Right. And you have to like, Hey, how'd you find out? Um, nothing. Yeah. And by the way, it's not even that hard of acting because you guys already all thought he was gay.

Right. You've been acting your whole life. So it's like just continue whatever that is just because he actually fucked the guy. It's not like, oh, they flipped the switch and now he's – he was the same guy before. You know what I mean? So it's like continue on that. Don't – and I think you're right. The closest one can kind of broach the subject entirely.

Very lightly though. Right. And just, he's got a, if he comes from this weird background, you cannot push it. And he's, by the way, you're kind of a dick for being like, we really don't want him to embarrass himself talking about getting pussy. Right, yeah, right. He's not. You're an asshole for thinking that. Right, you're talking about embarrassing himself to you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, you know. Yeah. And you know why he's doing it. And you're being an asshole. By being in... Yeah. Then it would be embarrassing for him. You know why he's doing it. Yes. It is all this pent up fucking shit he's got to get through. We talked about my family. I don't talk to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all have this shit on us. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, I... Yeah, pull the one guy and just...

I'm here. Not everyone, just I'm here. You give them a safe landing spot. Here's your private airfield. Bring it back to us private plane flyers. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Here's your private runway. Yes. You've got a place to land whenever you want to land this plane. And not even without saying it, just like, and if there's anything, you know you can always come to me and whatever it is, you know, other than shooting your mom in the head. Yeah, yeah.

You can come to me. I think that's the end of the Full House episode where the music changes moment. Yeah, yeah. My mom found my Photoshop of avatars having gay sex with each other, so she had to go. They were putting their tails in each other's asses. It's so funny how specific that is. Stop definitely had a moment where he's like, what if they fuck? What could they put those tails? They could do a lot with those tails, brother. But yeah.

Jared's absolutely correct. And look, here's the other thing to realize. This guy doesn't owe you shit. There's a little entitlement when you're a young 20-year-old dumbass. It's like, dude, why is he lying to me? It's like, you are not important in this equation whatsoever. So if he never brings it up to you and he's embarrassing himself by pretending to have a fucking... to getting pussy...

That's not anything you should worry about. Ten years from now. That doesn't matter at all. What you think doesn't matter at all. You got to be supportive for your friend and don't take it personally at all. Ten years from now, you want to be at his wedding while he makes out with his new husband. Yes. Chanting from the back. Gay. Gay. Gay.

And have him join in the chat with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? That's the dream is that we can all be a part of this and it's wonderful. And don't fuck it up by being a pushy dickhead right now. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta go soft. It's a squirrel. Go soft. Yeah, yeah. That's gonna do it for us, buddy. Thank you so much for doing it. Can't thank you enough for having me. Go watch the special out now.

37 and single. Go watch it. We'll see you guys next time. Bye-bye.