#35 - Mark Normand
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV-CALL-IN will solve your problems.

We're back in the studio. Happy to have my boy, Mark Norman, in the mix. Mark, welcome back. Second time on the program. Good to be back. I appreciate it. Yeah, and before, we'll get into, we were just on the Fully Loaded tour. We were having philosophical discussions about certain words that you can and can't say on stage. Not the one you're thinking of. There's a lot to cover, but before, why don't you tell the people, we're trying to get this out as soon as possible. Special out right now on

You got that right. Soup to nuts. Soup to nuts, baby. I don't know if we're supposed to say the N-word because the writer's strike. I'm serious. So just say special. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're right. Technically, you're not supposed to promote...

So I can say special because they're the devil right now. Oh, I see. So you can say special, streaming. Special on a big streaming platform. Big streaming with an N. With an N. Big red N. That's right. Nice hard N. Yeah. The worst N you can say right now. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Well, they came out of the blue. Oh, yeah. You know, to be of the most offensive end to writers. But yes. Tell that to Kramer. Go find it. Figure out where the fuck it is. God damn it, Eldest. This fucking thing is fucked. Boy, I feel I hear that pleather really creaking over there. I feel bad for it. It's not me, motherfucker. It's the mic. Let me get in here. You fucking prick. A.B. Come on, man. We had the time off.

We couldn't fix the mic arm. This is nice. Everyone look at Eldest's taint. Oh, we're still on? Yeah, we're on. We use every part of the buffalo here. I love it. I love it.

Those thighs are wild, Eldest. Jesus. Honey, your balls must be ruined. Yeah, he's getting smushed. The man chafes big time. Oh, yeah. Uh-oh. All right. Hold on, hold on. Eldest unplugged me in the middle of the podcast. Just so you guys know. Yeah. How about that Jonah Hill, huh? I'm trying to fill time.

You might have to hold. Oh, wait, he got it. He got it. Nicely done. We might cut a little bit of this. Yeah, yeah. We don't need every part of it. All right, I won't fuck with it too much.

Anyway, so our friend Mark here, pretty nice shape on Eldest though, right? Great boss. He's definitely, we've talked about, no, don't give yourself the applause. Beautiful head of hair as well. He does have a great, I will unfortunately have to give him that. Thank you, thank you. But he is, he does have, we've discussed it,

It's a shame he can't be a woman. Or he can't give birth. He's voluptuous. He has that. But it's not, you know, I'm a round, I'm a rotund man, but I don't have a birthing body. Yes. His hips are out of control. So true. Oh, this has an hour. Parts of me just sag like crazy. Oh, really? I mean, I got this muffin top here. It doesn't feel good.

But, you know, hey, I'll never swim with a shirt on or anything like that. No, of course not. You believe in yourself. I want to see it. No, he said on. He'll swim with it off. Oh, good. He'll show the titties off. Hell yeah. We're body positive around here. Me and Eldis are pretty inexplicably positive.

Okay with ourselves and have been for the last 10 years as we fluctuated through. That's all that matters. Different levels of fatness. It's all perception. It's all about how you feel. Yeah. You've never, have you ever dealt with a chafed thigh before, Mark? Oh, I was a fat kid. Right. So you remember. I skateboarded in the Louisiana heat. So this was a swampy Katrina, Wuhan wet market down here. It was bad. Did you have any, did you have any...

remedies for it? How did you fix it? I found, well, I got a, I was a, I hooked up with a soccer player in college and she gave me... What was his name? Hey! Uh, Messi? No.

That'd be awesome if just 5'3", Messi is just giving it to you from the back. He's got you bent over. He's on some phone books. The greatest of all time is just smashing your hole in college. Anyway, so this girl is fucking you. You gave great header. Sorry.

So I'm fucking this girl, and she was a really hot lady, but she was a soccer player, and she was kind of a hippie. And so there wasn't a ton of washing going on. Interesting. She gave me a yeast infection. Eldest knows all about it. Okay, we call it jock itch.

That's what I always call it. Yeah, that's the man version. You gotta control the narrative. Both of you are out of your minds. You both had yeast infections. It's total yeast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know. This is pre-internet, so I'd have to go. I asked a doctor I knew. What do you mean pre-internet? You didn't go to college in fucking 1982. Oh, yeah. That's true. 2003? What is this? 2000? It's about, yeah, 2000. 2001. Okay, okay. So I guess we had internet, but it was... I got you. Yeah.

You know, that whole thing. And so you weren't really just WebMD-ing all day. Sure, sure, sure. So I asked the doctor. He said, oh, you got to put cultures on it. You need to kill the yeast. So I went out and bought yogurt. No, you dipped your nuts in yogurt? And I dipped my nuts in a big Costco pink yogurt thing, which didn't work at all. I tried. You went to the Bayou doctor? Oh, you got to take your nuts out. Put them in some yogurt, boy.

You gotta get go-goed. Squirt some go-goed on your nuts, boy. Fruit on the bottom, balls on top. But yeah, I was shellacking that shit on. Nothing worked. I was such an idiot. You know, you're a dumb 20-year-old. And then I eventually found Tuff Actin' Tenactin'. And literally you spray it on and it bubbles. It's searing it off. Like a witch cursed you. Yeah, see?

Yes, exactly. And that worked. Wow, interesting. Yeah, but it is bad down there. You know. I know, it's pretty bad. Tanaka, isn't that for feet? It's a fungus. Wow, okay. So it works because it's all fungi. Athlete's foot. Yeah, it's the same shit. Your dick had athletes. You fuck a hippie soccer player who's got a pussy so musty, it gives your dick athlete's foot. Exactly. Exactly.

That's fucking wild, dude. Eldest, you had it. I've had it several times throughout my 20s.

Interestingly, I haven't really had it recently. I wonder if my body's just used to it or knows what to do or something. You're evolving. I went to the Planned Parenthood around Soho or whatever, and I was really worried. You thought you had herpes? Yeah, I was like, what the fuck is on my dick? And she was like, relax, it's not an STD, you're good. Greatest news on the planet, by the way. But then she just kind of breezed over the fungus, and then she was like,

But listen, your blood pressure is pretty high and you're pretty fat. She said I'm overweight and high blood pressure, not healthy. Also, this shirt says you're a bit gay. That's awesome, dude. So fuck her. Did you get it from a musty lady, Elders?

I don't know if it was from a lady. I think it was just like I was wearing some tight fucking jeans for how fat I was and it was hot as fuck in the city. I think that's really what it all comes down to. And I'm uncut, so that doesn't help. Wait, you got it on the penis?

Or just around. When I've gotten it, it's been like little dots on my dick. And this is educational, folks. It'll spread. Okay. Oh, God, yeah. It'll spread up to the shaft a little bit because it's basically a rash. I had it like under my foreskin. Under? On the cock head. Like on the actual cock head. It was fucked up. Oh.

That sucks, dude. You have a loose sock, too. Yeah. My man's working with a lot of foreskin. Wig mom. He could get that taken in no problem. I always say it's like a dirty sock hanging off your foot after a long day. You should get a foreskin tuck. You should get a foreskinoplasty. I can't, man. I'm too true. No, I know, dude. Me neither. You know me. You know me, man. We're on the different spectrums of uncircumcised. My shit's too tight. L.

Eldest is too loose, but we'll go to our graves with a foreskin. What the establishment fears most. Both sides of the political spectrum. Loose foreskin, tight foreskin, finally together. You've got international secrets in there. Eldest unfurls his foreskin. It has a plan to assassinate the president of the United States. They're like, how are they getting coke in the White House? Yeah.

They keep getting it in. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that's the next Mission Impossible. Part two, Tom Cruise has to fight a syndicate of uncircumcised terrorists and he loses. Yeah.

How great would that be if at the end of that franchise, Tom Cruise just takes a fat L? He loses. Oh, yeah. That would be awesome. I always wanted a big movie to end with they just completely... The hero gets his shit kicked in. It's gotta happen. What are we on, night 12 of those? It's crazy. This one is what, seven or eight? And it's part one. Damn. I can't wait to see it. I mean, I love those movies and I think Tom Cruise really reinvented himself in a cool way. Sure. And kept out of...

Yeah. While also getting to have his own big blockbuster action franchise. Right. It's just crazy to think about those movies. It's like the first one was directed by fucking the Palma.

Brian De Palma. And that one's killer. That one's great. I love that. I mean, I like all of them. Even the ones people say two and three aren't as good. Yeah. I like those too. Oh, yeah. And then they kind of just became these huge action movies, but just a little more, I mean, not believable. None of them are believable, but just I felt like a little more, I kind of gravitate, I'll probably get crucified for this take. I gravitate to those more than the Fast and the Furious movies. Same. Even though I like those, those are fun, but they just-

There's a little more cringe on those. Something about them just never... Maybe I'm not a car guy. Maybe that's what it is. Right, right. Because I do think there's... I really take for granted how many people love cars in America. Yeah, I like them. I just can't... I mean, they're cool, but I just... I don't know what it is, man. I never... Like, if I have all the money in the world, I'd probably get, like, a really nice, like...

electric SUV. You know what I mean? Like, that's my... The Greeks never went the car route. There's no Greek car, is there? Not really. Yeah. Yeah, I guess, and in Greece, all the roads are so fucking tiny. Like, in Greece, people are literally driving, like, you know, four-cylinder, like, little-ass Fiat Peugeots, all that kind of shit. That is a very American thing. What is your favorite? What kind of car do you really want? I don't know.

I mean, I got a 2002 Beamer 1973. That's awesome. It's just a cute little go-kart. Yeah, I've seen that. It's cute. It's fun. It's like my dream car, and I finally bought one during the pandemic. And ironically, I'm too scared to drive it. It's so pretty, and it's in great shape, and I just keep it in the garage. And New York is brutal, too, for cars. Brutal. Brutal. Like, I'm doing a gig on Long Island. I'm borrowing Salacuse's car.

And I borrowed his car. I have a car. What the fuck does Salacuse drive? Oh, you got to see this hunk of junk in the driveway. He's like, you can borrow, but it needs an oil change. I was like, mother fucker. So I just came to the Jiffy Lube. I found one right by your house.

I went to the Jibby Loop watching cops in the waiting room drinking bad coffee. You have a car and you borrowed your much less successful friend's car. You didn't rent the car, by the way. That's another Norman special. Yeah, true, true. God forbid you spend $150. You're about to make probably $20,000 on Long Island. That's true.

Yeah, you got me there. I spent 60 on the Jiffy Lube. You know what? This one cancels out because you did kind of do him a favor, too. And I'm going to fill it up on the way back. In fact, it would have been cheaper to rent a car. I know. You're probably right. It's like a three-hour drive. Anyway, what are you going to do? You live and learn. I saw the whole neighborhood. I walked around. It's a great neighborhood. I love it here, man. That's why I was like, you need anything? That was code for like...

Can I come early? Oh, my bad. No, no. You could have come early. Eldest actually got here on time. I was shocked, even a little early. I almost tried to buy Peruvian chicken for you, but I couldn't find it. Dude, I'll tell you where it is. Oh, yeah, last time we had a great place. Won't say the name because...

It's not no free promo. It's just I don't want people... I've already been spotted there a couple times. Oh, yeah. There's nothing worse when you're just stoned. Oh, the worst. The worst. All you want... I've had a tough week. All I want is to be like, I'm giving in to all my addictions today. Yes. And I'm going to get fucked up and I'm going to eat, you know, a half a chicken...

And fucking three ribs with some fried rice on the side. And then some guy's like, stop. And I'm just gone out of my mind and I'm just like shaking. I want this chicken so bad. And I have to pretend like I'm stripped to my core as an animal. Where all I want is to just fucking devour this chicken, beat off. But if you just said, dude, I gotta go eat this chicken, he would be like...

Of course, just stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be like Chrysler chugging a beer. Like, whoa, I got to see the most him thing. Maybe that's what it is. I hate for them to see me laid bare like that. It's one thing I love getting run into at the gym. Are you kidding me?

I love people having a... You know, I actually saw him at the gym. That's where I want to be fucking spotted. Right. You know what I mean? Exactly. I don't want to be spotted doing the exact... Because we were just talking about... Off mic, we were talking about how sometimes it's like a persona and all this stuff. Sure. I don't want to be spotted where it's like, whoa, maybe it's even worse than he lets on. You know what I mean? And that...

When I go to that place, because you also have to pick it up. Right. Usually when you're in a fucking, when you're ready to go, when you're ready to give in to your addictions, you order seamless. Yep. You know what I mean? You text the drug dealer. You don't have to like go outside. Yeah. But this place is, no, there's no delivery. Oh.

So they force you to go make a walk. And I'm vulnerable there. So I won't say it, but yeah, we had some chicken last time. Yeah, well, the fan interaction is tough because it's always... I love the fans, and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it's always a tad long. There's no out. You know, they go, oh, dude, I'm a huge fan. Listen to the pod. Love your comedy. And you go, thank you, man. And that should be it. But there's always like the... Or a picture. Yeah, picture's great. I actually love a picture because there's a definitive...

Here's what we're doing. I love the picture. Two back and forths, a snap. Thanks, brother. Yeah. You're the man. And I love that stuff. But yes, sometimes if it becomes like a walk and talk. Yeah. Oh, the walk and talk is tough. Where you happen to be going the same way and then you have to turn a corner, pretend you're walking a different way. Right, right. Exactly. But the best is a bike ride. You get the guy like, Ferret!

Yeah. That's nice. Some honking. I love a honk. Have you ever been caught in an embarrassing place? Been seen somewhere you're like, ah. Ah.

Uh, geez, I guess not really. It's more like a line or a line or you're at the light with a guy and you're both going the same way. The airport is tough. Airport is tough. Airport lounge because you're really hungover early. I'm like, I'm going to eat every meatball here. Yes, yes, yes. I'm going to the open bar. I'm getting Bloody Marys and I'm just going to sit here. I've arrived there. Yeah. And I'm going. I've arrived in Denver and I'm hitting the bar. Yeah.

And then there's a guy like, dude, I'm getting a Bloody Mary 2. What are we doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this is my favorite when you go, they go, I'm a huge fan. You go, I got a show tonight. They go, yeah, I got to get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, I thought you were a fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the airport's another good one because that's, you're an animal in the airport. An animal. Once I got recognized at the steam, in a steam room in, you know,

Montana. Oh, Montana. And the guy goes, I don't have my glasses on, but you sound like this comedian. And I go, oh, yeah, yeah. And he was like, I don't know the guy, but you don't look like him, but you sound like him. He's super annoying. I know. You sound just like him. And I was like, oh, that guy's the worst. Yeah, fuck him. I got out of there before he put the glasses on. Yeah, you let him finish blowing you and then you left. You're like,

This tastes like what I imagine Mark Norman's penis to taste like. I don't have my glasses on, though. It tastes like yeast. Somebody pop open a crescent roll. So you got soup to nuts coming out on the big end. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Go watch that, folks, on your streamers. Check it out. You recorded that in Chicago, right? Chicago, Vic Theater. We were at the Vic, I think, maybe like a week after. Oh, great. It was like two weeks after that. Looks great. I mean, from the... I obviously haven't seen it. We were recording this before, but it's out, and when this comes out, it'll be out. I haven't seen it, but the trailer, look, you guys made that place look awesome, dude. Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate it. Love the background. Thank you. Love the little tinsel. Love the, you know, a little texture to it. I saw a music video...

oh, it's going to escape me, the name. It's this kind of black, bluesy band, and it was such a cool look. And I said, I want that, like that kind of gritty 70s taxi driver look with the tinsel and all that, and they fucking nailed it. That's awesome, yeah. I love Chicago. Why'd you do Chicago? Well, I'm such a road psycho that I blew out all my markets. And Chicago, it's such a great comedy town, so I was like, let's try there, and we sold out four, but I'm the only...

who booked it on St. Paddy's Day. Oh, no! I didn't even think about it. No! So the river's green, I show up, it's... I think I... Dude, I think I, on purpose, was offered that date and didn't take it. Because I was like, St. Patrick's Day? What kind of dickhead would do this? And then you recorded your special on it? Yes! I mean...

drunk, heckle, fist fights. I saw a couple breaking up. A guy almost fell off the balcony. The cops took a guy out at one point. That was show one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did four, thank God. You recorded all four? Yeah, we got it on the last one. The other three were almost worthless. That's hysterical. Oh, that's brutal. So we got some behind the scenes of me being like, fuck you, man. It's my specialty. You're not as sharp because you're like, this is my moment. This is all I have. And then they're like, hey, you're homo. And I'm like, I got nothing.

Well, quiet down, pal. This cost a lot of money. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude. No, that's... I mean, that town is a pretty drunk town in general, but St. Patrick's Day. Even though they don't have that many Irish, I don't think. No, I think they're there. I think they're there, yeah. I just figure everyone in Chicago is just like...

I mean, I guess they claim they're Irish. Right. But it's everyone's like... I just feel like everyone's like Polish and German and... There's a lot of that, yeah. That kind of thing. I never got these people get really into their ethnicity. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm just kidding. Well, I mean, I actually don't like when someone's been here for like... Someone's family's been here for like six generations. Right. Or four generations, whatever. And it's like you don't speak the language.

If you went back to this country, how would you be perceived? I think is the big... Oh, that's great. That's the big determining factor for me. Yes. Because none of those motherfuckers... One of those guys goes to Italy. Yeah. Like, that episode of The Sopranos where they go back to Italy is fucking... And they're all making fun of Pauly. Yes. He asks for gravy, and they're like, what the fuck, gravy? It's like meeting a wigger. Yeah. Come on, what are you doing? No one talks like that. Yes.

Yeah, anyway. So true. They always take their good parts. They're like, well, you know, I'm Italian or I'm Spanish, so I'm feisty or I'm passionate. You never take the, they're not like, I hit my wife because I'm Italian. It's always the good. I want to have sex with my mother. I'm Italian. Yeah, and also, by the way, enough with Italians. It's like they've milked it.

What a take. If they don't have Scorsese, they're fucked. They got fucking nothing. The Godfather is a good movie, but it's not... It's actually not very realistic to how the mafia actually worked, and it wasn't actually like... Like, Mario Puzo was just like...

I haven't read the book. People say the book's not... It's one of the rare times where the movie blows the book out of the water. Oh, right, because the book was a huge hit. It was a huge hit, but it was a huge hit when there was no fucking television. Right. It was a huge hit back when a novel, a...

essentially popcorn novel when novels, like even that sentence, the book was a hit. Yeah. Imagine saying that about anything today. Right. You know what I mean? It's like the last one where you can say that about is literally what, Harry Potter? Harry Potter, yeah. You know, it's like we're done and that was children's stuff. So, but yeah, they don't have Scorsese and I, you know, and I love, I love The Sopranos too, but it's just like,

Stop. You're fucking white people. You're a regular ass type of guy. There's nothing that special about being fucking Italian. You were fucking criminals. Okay, the best thing was you were criminals, but guess what? You're not a fucking criminal. You didn't do it. First of all, those people are abhorrent,

people that suck their community dry like fucking vampires with oil in their hair. True. And also, you don't have the guts to be that guy. You pretend. Now, this generation of like, you talk worse. They put on accents now and it's like, it's this whole like, you're not that interesting. Yeah. Except for Scorsese and the Sopranos. No good art has come from Italians. It did. It did.

I mean, you know, you had Michelangelo and all that. They had the great stuff. But yeah, nothing new, really. And especially not Americans. Yeah.

Yeah. No American Italians. Again, other than Martin Scorsese, complete pass. The God. I love that guy. And you got your De Niros and your Pacinos. Sure, actors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what I'm saying. But no, you're right. Well, they had edge because they were discriminated against. Like, you know, like Frank Sinatra's dad had to call his bar O'Connor's because you couldn't call it Sinatra's. But that's a great point, though.

When was that? Frank Sinatra's dad. 40s. 30s, whatever. Frank Sinatra, long dead. His father dealt with it. Yes, yes, exactly. So that's another thing. Shut the fuck up, you dirty, and just let's bleep whatever I was about to say. So you dirty...

And then hit me with a beep, Eldest. I'm not... I don't want to get taken off. That's the other thing. Italians would be the type to get... Somehow, they would say it's hate speech against their race. Yeah, there's a lot of that. If I said a couple of the words that are dancing on my tongue right now, and I will not. And I will not. You fucking... But also, the weird thing about Italians is, like, I'm a half Sicilian. I don't give a shit. But, like, they...

started the Italian, what was that? Defamation League? Yeah, Anti-Italian Defamation League. Yeah, because they kept being called mobsters and mobs and all that. They started it. The mafia literally started it. They started it. I forgot the guy's name. He got assassinated. He got killed in Central Park, I think. Yeah, he actually hated the Godfather. He was trying to get it not to be made. Yes, yes. And so they killed, or he started this league

And you're like... This is the coolest thing about you guys. Why would you want to make this bad? You know? It's like being in the NAACP and being like... Hey, we gotta stop these rappers. The rappers are awesome. Keep the rappers. Everybody loves it. But...

They wanted to stop him. Also, it wasn't like a nice old lady who was like, this is not my culture. Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? It was the criminal doing it. Literally the guy's doing it. So it's like you just don't want your shit. And also, and this is, oh, I got to do a little more research. I got to have somebody, I got to have like Matteo and DiStefano on at the same time to really do like a fuck Italy type of thing. DiStefano's actually the perfect example. First of all, he's German. Yeah.

Look at that guy. He's a fucking kraut. But Germans got no flavor. They're not cool. They're not fun. No one's like, how are you going to do? That's not sexy. But I also was reading something about how

Like, and I'm going to do more research to really... This is raw, people, all right? You're getting the fuck Italians take when I haven't really cooked it. I haven't really let the sauce stay on the pan all day. To use some parlance, you fucking idiots might understand. I haven't caramelized the onions yet. But I was reading something about how even their food culture is like almost a complete fabrication of the last...

50, 60 years. Like there's not all that shit of like, you know, chicken parmal. It's all like American fake bullshit. Like there is no in the old country. Like we were, you know, making sauce for fucking eight hours. Like that wasn't a thing there. And I read one thing one second on Twitter and I am going with it. You are all frauds. And look, I know that they do like Greek people, Greek food like

I have a bit on the new special that comes out on a streamer that will not be named later in November, December. But I have a bit about how Greeks really are... We're pretty much Arabs. Like, we're much closer to Arabs than we are anything else. Really? If you think about it, yeah. Because, like, I... And I don't want to step... You know, I don't want to ruin the bit or whatever, but...

Whatever, it doesn't matter. Basically, the point is, I think Greeks are only considered white because white people want to claim ancient Greece. Yes. But, like, look at our food. Like, that's a defining characteristic. Like, Greek food...

It's pretty, like, everyone... It's pitas. It's pitas, it's skewers. Yeah, hummus-y stuff, that white sauce. Yeah, we have tzatziki, which is, like, the yogurt base. Yeah. Like, we don't really fuck with hummus, actually, but we have, like, our own, like, eggplant dip, fish roe dip, yogurt dip, all that stuff.

And I'm admitting, like, you have to realize, like, that's kind of because we were taken over by the fucking Ottoman Empire. And, like, for a huge chunk of our history, we were under, like, Turkish rule. And that's why, like, the best Greek, one of the best Greek foods, a gyro, is pork. And we just got, that was the only fucking thing, Muslims would need pork. So they would let their fucking Christian, like, family.

We weren't slaves. That's another thing Greek people say. Hey, we were slaves too. We should be able to say it. I've had so many Greek people say that shit. But anyway, my point is just no one is actually as cool as they think they are. Of course. Everyone who clings on to their identity, it's all mythology and it's all fake. Right. And Italians are getting away with it way too much in my opinion. Yeah.

Yeah, they're milking the shit out of it. There's four awesome movies... Three awesome movies and a TV show, and those cocksuckers think they're set for life. And it's like, I want to see something new. I'm tired of it. Fuck Italy. No, actually, Italy's cool. Fuck Italian-American... Fuck Italian-Americans. Well, pizza helped them out, too. Pizza's huge. They've been holding on to pizza like it's grim death. Pizza's huge, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they don't have it the way we have it here. That's another thing. Yeah, I had it over there. I went to Rome, and I was like...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They Americanize the shit out of sauce and sugar. General Tso's is like created in like St. Louis or something. There's no way. There's no way a fucking some Chinese guy that will never leave his province has never heard of General Tso's. Oh, no. There's one that was made in Springfield, Missouri. You land there. They're like, we're the home of something chicken. Oh, wow. Some Chinese chicken. Sweet and sour probably. Something like that, yeah. That weird super fried shit that Eldest likes. Oh, it's so good. With that fucking red ass sauce. Oh.

That basically pink sauce. Yes. Disgusting. It looks like ectoplasm or some shit. It looks radioactive. Yeah, it looked like the alien, the xenomorph. It looked like if its pussy gets wet, that's what it secretes. It's like green is their blood, bright red is their pussy juice. Oh, man. You must have been a weird kid. Yeah.

Anyway, but yeah, dude. Anyway, fuck Italy and we'll move on. We also just got... We should talk about... We just got back from Fully Loaded, too, which was fucking incredible. Oh, dude, I was fried. So fucked up. My body hurts. Yeah. My body is in fucking full pain. That's the thing. It's the best time, but it takes a year off your life. We slip and slide. I mean, you fucked me up with the nut shot. Yeah, I got...

That was my best comedic moment. They were pouring ice all over Mark to do like a, oh, isn't this crazy video? And I just had a Nerf football in my hand and Mark's like, ah! And I just nail him in the nuts. And the thing, like...

People have taken a joke or they've posted some of my shit without whatever. The thing I felt the worst about was not being in that video. I wanted just a pan over to me dying because I don't think I get credit for it. I really nailed Mark right in the ball. I'm going to tag you in the video. That's true. It's...

It's lost to history. But you should have been there. You have to be in the video, though. That's crazy. It was a spur of the moment. It was a spur of the moment. Knowing you, I was going to hit you in the nuts. It was kind of a Harvey Oswald. We're like, who's the shooter? We have no idea. That sucks. You got no credit for that. But it was my favorite moment of the tour was nailing you in the balls. So fun. But it was great. But yeah, it was fucking... If America's Funniest Home Videos was around, we would have gotten the winning. Because it was too perfect. Because I was all jacked up from the cold water. And I didn't...

I had no protection. Like, I had no defense. You know, usually you see something coming, you're like, whoa! But it was wide open. It was like the Star Wars scene in the trench. You nailed it right in that hole. It felt so good. It connected so nice. Oh, I was out for 30 minutes on that one. But great time. We did a lot of shrooms. A lot of shrooms on the river. Yeah. That was a good fucking time, man. But yeah, I feel so...

So fucked up. I flew... I saw you missed your flight. I did. Don't even... Yeah, that was tough. The bus... That's tough. The bus just didn't get there on time? Yeah, they couldn't get in. We were just chilling. I know. It was some dumb... At a different place for hours. Yeah, it was some dumb reason. And then we just...

It was bad. What are you going to do? I made mine and I flew right to Nashville. I'm on like an hour and a half sleep or whatever it was. And I did Theo's pod. So Theo's all like, gang, gang, he's jumping off the wall. Doing all this shit. And I'm like, yeah, man. Dude, having the idea of doing a podcast the next day is one of the worst things. I mean... It was hell. I mean, missing my flight was brutal, but like a full... I literally just got into a hotel and slept for...

20 hours. I'm so jealous. Like, I kind of, in a weird way, needed that. Of course. But I, now, don't get me wrong, I would have preferred to just pass out on the, but literally my stomach was hurting like a baby does. Yeah. Like, that's the problem with that tour is, like, not only are you hungover, but every snack you can possibly conceive of is on the bus or available to you. Of course, of course. So I was starting to, like, I was hungover, but the most damage I did was just eating too

Like a little kid that gets to go... This is happening to me every time. This is just to tell you who I am. The worst stomach aches I ever got in my life was the first time I was allowed to go to a wedding or a baptism as a little kid. And your parents are having a couple...

They're not paying attention. I would literally be a fat, like, seven-year-old having every dessert, drink it, guzzling Shirley Temples, ask you for extra maraschino cherries, you know, and just, I remember being on the bathroom at seven years old and being like, and praying to God. Being like, please, God, I've learned my lesson. I will never overeat again. Oh, man.

We gotta get this fat girl crying in the bathroom. We gotta help her out. Dude, literally since the time I was seven years old, that's what would happen to me. And then this shit was like,

It was like that, where it was like, you have access to anything at any moment. I know. It's fucked up. The chips, the candy. It's weird, too, being a fat kid and eating like that, because usually you get your drug or your vice later. Right. Like, I didn't say guzzling booze until I was, you know, 18, 17 or whatever. But you were in there at seven. Seven years old. Yeah. Having the exact substance abuse problems that I have now. Yeah. And getting fucked up in that same way where I was just like, oh.

Like, it felt like a high. Right. And then it's just like, you just layer... My whole life has just been layering other shit on top of that. It's like, it's like faddish, you know, it's like that. Then, probably weed. Yeah. Then... I mean, honestly, booze has never been an issue for me. I will... I could... Even when I was completely sober off weed, I would, on the road, I might have a cocktail or two because it just never was an issue for me. But like, you go weed, then probably...

pussy and then pills which are awesome but those are the latest in the mix and also they came at a point where I was like I can't when you're like these other things are one thing and they will fuck up my life

In the long run. Totally. But this, in two years. Yes. I'll be fucked. Totally. And this feels too awesome. Ah, the best. This is like too fucking good. What are we talking, like Xanax? Or are you talking like Percocet? Xanax and Percocet and just kind of... Yeah, that's actually the big three. Oh, that's good stuff. Those are the fucking good ones for me. And then, you know, but psychedelics I don't really consider. Yeah, we were popping mushrooms like candy. That was easy. That's nothing. If anything, you'll just have like...

I literally have moments of clarity on mushrooms. Same. Where I'm like, I learned lessons. I've started relationships because of mushrooms. I've been like, this is fucked up. I can't be a part of this because of mushrooms. It's just like there's so much stuff where I'm like, damn. I'll always have an awesome time, and then I will usually have one...

to major life revelation. Wow, that's great. It's crazy. I get all lovey and unnecessarily lovey. I was like, I love your clips, man. Then I went to Bruce Bruce. I got him on a headlock and he's like, who the fuck are you? We haven't even met yet. I was like, oh, sorry. I'm on shrooms. I'm getting his tits together and motorboating. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was awesome. Like Bruce, being on a show with Bruce. Bruce. Were you there for Vegas with Louis Black? No, I wish. I love Louis Black. He's the man, dude. He's the man. He did our podcast and killed it. Yeah, yeah. No, maybe, you know, maybe he might be on this couch. Who's to say? There you go. We're going to try. It doesn't happen. He would do it. No, I think he'll do it. We get Mo Rocca instead. No!

Remember that fucking guy? Of course. That guy popped on my TV too much. In the late 90s, he was everywhere. Yeah, yeah. That was a bit... Is he gay? I don't know. I just remember... I think I found out later that he was gay. And I remember feeling like growth because I was like, oh, he is gay. Okay. Oh, I didn't even know that. Yeah. Exactly. That to me was growth because I was like, I feel...

I hate this. I was like... Because I feel like everyone I grew up with, all the old Greek guys, would hate a guy like that because he's gay. And then I was like, hey, I actually don't care that he's gay. He's just a fucking annoying nerd. And I remember being like, maybe progress is possible. There you go. When I was like...

I was like in college when I found out he was gay. Yeah. And I was like, hey, maybe I can be better than the fucking idiots I grew up around. That's the key to progress. Just be so much worse than your at-minority thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be a douche and black. It does feel good to be making progress. And then, you know, maybe my son won't be homophobic at all. There you go. Good luck. Yeah.

Maybe it'll all come back. Like, everything comes back around. Like, Jew hate kind of came back. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately. I mean, yeah, we're in a fucked up place where these things where I was like, wait,

Some of you are Nazis. I know. And you're cool with that. I know. Your grandfather fought in the war. Like, we're not even that far away. You'd think it would take 100 years. Totally. Although, I guess to be fair, World War II was what, 1930-something? Yeah, late 30s and then end of 1942. So I guess maybe it literally has been almost 100 years. Almost. There you go. That's fucked up, dude. It's all cyclical.

Pencil him always swings back. Which is scary because you see all this people are attacking. I mean, yeah, it was really annoying when that happened because it's like,

That whole rant I went on about Italians, I used to say that kind of shit to my Jewish friends where it's like, relax. Right. You got it. Shit's good for you. Yeah, you're fine. And then all these fucking, just fucking idiots, anti-Semitic like DeSantis Trump, far right, like, you know, Jews will not replace us style guys. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, fuck. I,

I know. And it's like, not only am I scared for what this means for our country, but now I got to listen to some of the most annoying people in the world have a legitimate gripe. Right. You can't even. And they are the best at complaining. Oh, the best. Black belts. So now I'm fucked. They have a point and they're the best at it. Yeah. I'm just going to hear it. And you got to be nice. And I'm on their side. Yeah. And I'm annoyed. Yeah.

It really puts you in a fucked up position. Yeah, that's tough. I think we can all agree that's the worst part of anti-Semitism. Agreed. Is listening to the Jews have a point? You know?

Goddamn. The bagel arguing we can deal with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At a certain point, you could be like, we'll move from away from the vent. I'll switch with you if it's that annoying. It's drafty. If you're that cold, we'll switch seats. Right, yes, the portions are small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At a certain point, you just tell them to shut the fuck up. But when you're like, somebody put a bullet hole through my synagogue, and you have to be like, all right.

You get seven minutes that I have to listen to this now. Remember that old street joke, the Jewish pedophile? Easy, kid, not so much candy.

That's a hundred-year-old joke. No, that's a classic. Classic. Now, folks, that's a classic. YouTube, that's what we call satire here on Stobby's World. So please don't. You've been demonetizing a lot of our videos. Love the Jews. So please don't. We're pro-Jew at that bit. Yeah, Roseanne's on next week. Yeah.

Right. We do have to have the competing view. I do wonder if the Jews are more against you guys with the anteaters. Oh, interesting. These two fucking hooded dicks over here. Oh, you think that's what it is? I think that factors in because they're all about the snip. They are.

They really are. I've said the story before on the podcast where you make that joke as like, oh, only an idiot would think that. But I remember when I had like, I was having pissing problems and I went to a urologist when I was like in college or whatever. And...

Whatever, they never really fixed it. I just piss all the time now. And they're like, hey, this is basically what's going to happen. Or there was this procedure where they would go up your ass and poke your dick hole out or something. And I was like... Or you know what it was? There was this procedure they wanted to do where they would put something in your dick, fill your bladder with piss, and then you were just kind of like...

They would watch you piss. They would pump your shit up and they would take all these notes and then they would do something where they would go through your... And I was like, I'll just piss a lot. I was like, I'm good. I won't drink too much water before a three-hour movie for the rest of my life. Or I'll always know where the bathroom is for the rest. I'll sit in the aisle for the rest of my life. Instead of having a Jamaican nurse put a tube up my dick.

I heard the same about it. They would put a Q-tip in your dick hole. That was how you tested for gonorrhea or something. I was like, I just have gonorrhea. I can't do that. My friend did. He said it was the most painful thing he's ever done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I actually had that happen to me in college. With the Q-tip? I was just scared. I had gotten, like, blown. And I was like, what if I have AIDS? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it was a gay guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So how bad was it? It was horrific. I had one of those, too, and it feels so fucked up. You're like, well, you know, when you get a shot with a needle, it

It's kind of fucked up, but whatever. No, this was one of the worst things of all time. You don't forget that feeling. And it's like... You gotta come out. It's a split second, and they don't even go that deep. They just go, like, right on the inside. You know what? I'm feeling it right now. I'm having the phantom Q-tip in my dick. It's fucked up. Yeah. It's funny that on the package, like, don't put these in your ears. Like, no, no. Don't put them in your dick. That's way worse.

I put it in my ears every day. Oh, fuck. Anyway, I feel like I was making some point, but who gives a fuck? Anyway. I feel like there's going to be a bunch of angry Italians at your shows now. Fuck them. All right. Come see me, you fucking dirty elders. Well, I just kind of, I do feel it from like a Greek standpoint, too, where I'm just like,

You know, we're... And I used to have a joke that was too... Gary Goldman had a great joke. And I was like... I had a joke that was kind of similar to that. So I cut it. I never did it. But it is... I didn't do it on a special or anything. But it was this thing of like, guys, come on. How long are we going to hold on to fucking...

Ancient Greece. Oh, that is a great joke. Like, we're fucking, it's been a fucking while. Right, right. And, but I do love, I mean, that's the other thing. There's, that's what I mean about Italians. Like, there's great shit about your country, but it's not, it's not your fucking great uncle who shook down a laundromat.

who like didn't was too stupid to get a fucking job so he beat up like you know it's like the mafia was a bunch of fucking you know you know what I'm not gonna it's over it's Olive Garden now it's Olive Garden enjoy your Olive Garden or go to Italy it's beautiful look at this this is Greece it's fucking awesome

Yeah, very nice. I like going to that. And you know what? Their history is interesting, but they can be a part... You never hear those guys talk about the fucking Colosseum. That's more impressive. Oh, yeah, right? You know what I mean? That's incredible. At least talk about that shit. Talk about ancient Rome, who stole everything from ancient Greece, by the way. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Two columns. What about... Pedophilia. This is where we get dice, but weren't they hooking up with Germany in the war? Bro. Italy? Yeah, that's another thing. Yeah, what the hell? Yeah, how the fuck did they get a... That's a great point. I have a point. That's a great point, dude. They were an ally or whatever. Yeah. Pizza's not that good. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, you had Mussolini. Yeah, you're right. Mussolini, that was it. Mussolini, they dragged that motherfucker to the streets. They occupied Albania, one of the ugliest moments in their history. Relax. Oh, shit. I forgot you were an Albie. Listen, the broken clock is right twice a day. Italy was on to something with that one.

Damn, dude, you know who told Italy to suck their cocks? You're looking at them. You fucking pussies couldn't hold them off. We had to fight a two-front war against Italy and Germany. One guy with a fucking calzone came in, threw it at your fucking president's head, and he was like, ow, take whatever you want. Not Greece, baby. We told those fucking...

to suck our... Maybe that's really what this all comes down to is Greece fucked them up for a while in World War II. Yeah, we got scared and basically turned into like the North Korea of the Balkans for like 80 years. Yeah, you were sucking dick on all sides. That's in your blood from the Ottoman Empire. These motherfuckers turned Muslim as soon as the Turks came through.

And then the Italians come by. They're like, whatever you want, sir. And then they're communist after that. They'll do whatever the fuck a guy with a gun tells them to. No heart in that country.

The Greeks, that is an oily fucking fight. It is. It got slippery on those mountaintops. You know when your car leaves the driveway and it's been sitting there and there's that black stain? That's what the whole land looked like. Well, we fought a lot. It was like a lot of like guerrilla shit where we fought them in like the mountains. Oh, yeah. And it really did take Germany. Like Germany got pissed because they were like,

We were literally fighting them with like sticks and shit. Right. They're like, how do you fucking dumb Italians not beat Greece? And they're like, we don't know. We're stupid. We don't fight the good. We're pussy. Anyway, all right. I've shit on Italy enough. Italians enough.

I do have love for the country. I just think a little much, a little too proud. That's all I'm saying. Yes, beautiful countryside. Beautiful countryside. Beautiful women. Beautiful women, and I still like a nice slice. Sure. I'll eat a chicken parm, no problem. Hell yeah. And I love the Godfather. Chaz Palminteri's a good guy. Yeah, there you go. But you fucking Staten Island pieces of shit can suck my dick. Yeah.

Anyway. I mean, we'll do Irish next show. Oh, yeah. Because they're a little much as well. The Irish can also suck my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong. Like, just those... You've been here four generations. Yeah. And you have created this fake...

Ancestry that didn't exist anywhere. Like, that's the other thing. They're talking about these, like, the Irish are just, like, the first. And, yeah, you were oppressed for seven years. And then the second you could be cops, you're like, can I have that baton to hit a black person, please? Oh, interesting. So at least Italians had the decency to become criminals. I'll give them that.

I will give them that. They weren't sucking on the, they weren't bootlicking fascist cocksuckers in the same way that the Irish, the first drop of a baton to hit a fucking Mexican with, they took it. So anyway, fuck them too. All right. I've done enough white race bashing for this episode. Go check out Soup to Nuts, folks. There you go. We got a lot of Irish jokes, a lot of WAP jokes. They're all in there. I get the mix, the WAPs.

The Muzzies. He's got them all. Yeah, the Jews. They're all going down. They're all taking it. So why don't we take some questions here. I'll just let you use some of Mark's beautiful expertise and let's fucking answer some life queries. Hell yeah. Stop, you fat fuck. I love you. It's not coming through, dumbass. Listen to this, all right? Stop, you fat fuck. I love you. Okay. Listen to this, all right?

I just got out of the Marine Corps about two years ago. Been dating a girl since I was in the Marine Corps. We've been together three years. I recently took a job in Texas. She was in North Carolina. We've kind of been doing long distance for a while now, and we decided, hey, we're going to get engaged and come down to Texas. So I drive up to North Carolina with a—excuse me, I fly up to North Carolina. I get a U-Haul truck.

And I'm going to take my stuff and her stuff down. Can you translate? I'm a little lost. He's definitely. So, yes. I'm just going to call what's happened here. This guy's getting cucked is my guess. That's my guess. I haven't heard. I have no prior knowledge. But anyway, so to translate so far.

He was in the Marine Corps for two years, which if he isn't about to tell us he got cucked, he probably got cucked while he was in the Marine Corps. And now he's long distance and him and this girl are going to get engaged. And he's driving from Texas to North Carolina with a U-Haul truck. Oh, no. Now, look, I might be wrong, but we're about to find out what happened. Oh, God. North Carolina to Texas.

Just bought her a house in Texas, had an engagement ring ready, and as soon as I get there, all she talks about is not wanting to move to Texas and not wanting to travel away from her family. While I'm there, I get a job offer to go over to Italy for two years and travel in Italy. Beautiful place. Again, kind of a contractual job for government. Great people.

And she doesn't want to go to Italy either. So the day comes around that I'm supposed to leave, and she basically just stalls and stalls and stalls and isn't ready. The house isn't cleaned, isn't packed. So I just leave. Now she's like, I want to come with you. I want to get engaged. I want to be married. Like, let's do this. Whereas I've already taken back the ring, got my money back and all that.

What do you think I should do? Should I take her back because we were together for three years? Should I go to Italy and just party it up by myself for two years? Or should I kind of stay in Dallas single and see where things play out between me and her or also between myself and the native Texans?

Let me know. Thanks. Okay. Interesting. So, you knee-jerk reaction is get out of there. Yeah, she's wishy-washy and you're going to marry her? I mean, this is crazy. Here's another thing. Did he say how old he is? No. So, he said he got out of the Marine Corps. Yeah. He sounds young. He's got to be early 20s. That's what I'm guessing. It's like early to mid-20s. Buddy, if she's being weird, maybe it's the age, right? If she's also like 23, then you know what?

You know, and look, I don't want to push my lifestyle on anyone. I'm not saying that, like, definitely not my lifestyle. My lifestyle is a fucking mess. But, like, I always think you shouldn't really get married in your early 20s. Yeah. As a rule, right? Definitely. I'm not saying it's not going to work for some people. It will work for. There's exceptions that basically prove the rule. But for the most part...

This doesn't sound like the type of people that should be married. No, no, no. Also, you kind of see the delusion and how much gullibleness it takes to join the military. Yeah. Like...

We appreciate your service and all that. And a Marine, that's impressive. Hoorah. But like, dude, you got the wool over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great point. Easily tricked. No offense. Get out, man. Go to Italy. Live your life. Go be an American soldier in Italy cleaning up with that attack.

Italian clam. Absolutely. That's what I was going to say. You're young. This relationship is fucking weird one way or the other. She might be doing the classic, like, especially if she's younger and especially if she doesn't want to, like, a lot of people will not just take initiative. Yeah. You know what I mean? They'll be like, oh,

How many times... And I've been guilty of this. I'm sure you've been guilty of this. Where it's like you basically know you're checked out of a relationship. Oh, yeah. Or not even a full relationship, but just like you're kind of casually dating someone. And you're too much of a coward to just be like, hey...

This has run its course. I like you, but I don't see anything in the future. Good luck. Yeah. And you just kind of act like a piece of shit until someone breaks up with you. Story of my life. And then you regret it. Right. I didn't want to be too direct, but when I said, I'm sure you've done this, what I meant was, I know you have in almost every facet of your life. I'm trying to get out of my family by doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not working. And so she could just be doing this, right? Where she's too much of a coward to be like, this is weird. And look, let's also, a little devil's advocate here, you know, from her side of things,

You were gone for two years. As soon as you get back, you take a job in a different state. So now it's like maybe she's like, oh, I miss him. We'll be in the same town finally. Sounds like you got a job in Texas without really consulting her. Oh, good point. And then you bought a house in a ring without consulting her about Texas. That's kind of crazy on your part. Yeah. Right. Like you can't just be like, hey, this place you have your life.

Well, I've decided we should actually move somewhere else. Yeah. So there's a little bit of immaturity on your part, too, where you kind of jumped the gun. Agreed. But either way, right? It sounds like you're both kind of young. And I don't know that it's meant to... I wouldn't get married, that's for sure. No. And I'm kind of with Mark here where it's like you're young...

This kind of this maybe it has a run scores. Maybe there's something there, but go live your life. Yeah. Two years in Italy where you're not, you know, I don't know what kind of job you said. Is it like a contractor job? I don't know if he has to reenlist in the army, but I prefer if you don't have to enlist in the army, if it's just a contractor job. Is that what he said?

Yeah, I think he said it was like some government job over there. Okay, whatever. As long as it's not like you don't have to reenlist, you're not a fucking soldier. As long as you have your freedom, basically. Like, go spend some time where you're not fucking, you know...

being actively brainwashed where you get to just be a human being in a beautiful place, right? For all the shitting on third generation Italians we just did. Italy is fucking beautiful. Amazing. And also, have a different experience. Yes. Grow as a person.

I would say be single. Take two years in Italy and take it as an opportunity to really think about what you want because you might a little bit be on the enlist, get out, get married track that so many people are on without thinking about it. Take a little time to really think about what you want because it feels like you're on autopilot here. And honestly, dude, you have such a perfect...

perfect opportunity with two years in Italy where you kind of get to do the best parts of college. Ooh. Where it's like, you know. And you get the culture. You get the culture. You get to grow as a person. I love this situation for you. You're set up in a nice way. It's sad as a relationship ending. And as long as you're relatively young, you never said your age, but as long as you're a relatively young guy,

It doesn't, and she's also relatively young, it doesn't sound like either of you is really ready for this. So go be your own fucking guy and have some fun. Hear, hear. And I think these guys, I grew up with a lot of military guys, these couple Marine dudes, and they all need structure. So I think this guy was out in the desert with a bunch of dudes and AK-47s, and he's like, I got my girl back home, I'm going to marry her right when I get out. And he thought it was all this fairytale bullshit, but life is full of nuance and...

and weird left turns. Absolutely. So there's no way it's going to just work out magically. Right. And, yeah, get that ring back, sell that house.

Fool around in Dallas. There's a lot of hot ladies in Dallas. Live it up and then go to Italy. Here's the thing. Don't get trapped in Dallas. Don't get trapped. Go to Italy immediately, motherfucker. Yes, yes. Go have a find yourself moment. And then when you get back, get yourself some blonde blown out with the big ass hair pussy in Dallas. Now you're talking. Now we're talking. Get some of that JFK head. Get sucked off on the grassy knoll. Yeah.

You know, I don't know that I... I don't fucking like... I don't like Dallas. I like it for... It's a good comedy town, but I wouldn't live there. It's just too many malls. Yes. It feels like everything is a fucking shopping center. It's sprawling. It's all highways. There's no, like, downtown. Or I guess even if there is, it's bullshit. Yeah. I like...

To me, I really... Houston's cool. Yeah. I like Houston a lot, even though it's a similar thing. It's got a little culture to it. But it has some... A lot of diversity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a different mix of all kinds of people. It's got a little soul to it. There's way more art. There's way more culture. The food is interesting. And then Austin is its own thing, obviously. Sure. It's this fucking thing that, you know, tech has kind of ruined now, but...

but it was a cool, was a great school. And still, you know, you can still have a nice visit there. Yeah, good people. And the, you know, club's great over there. But anyway...

Don't get trapped in Dallas. Go to Italy. Go suck on some Apollonia from the Godfather titties. Oh, yeah. She was awesome. Those were some of the first tits I saw. Really? Because my mom was a big... Ironically enough, my mom was pretty... Tried to keep us sheltered. She loved mob movies. Oh, interesting. So I do have this special... That's the other thing. I have a really special place in my heart for mob movies because it's one of the first...

Like my mom would take us to museums. She was big into art. She was an artist herself. She would take me and my brothers to museums as little kids, but we were fucking seven and five. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in a weird way, it paid off. I love museums now. Really? And I think there is something to that where it's like, at the time, I didn't like it, but now I'm like, oh, I really appreciate what she was doing for me. And some of that must have seeped in. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she was attracted to these swarthy dagos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows? They were kind of slick back hair. I mean, my dad, very swarthy man. Okay. Hairy. Yeah. Slicked back, bald. My dad was one of these guys that puts hairspray on his three remaining hairs. Ha, ha, ha.

My dad really has like Homer Simpson hair. Oh yeah, yeah. But slicked back and set it to the side. Right. So maybe that's your type. But yeah, um, fuck, what was it? Oh yeah. So that was kind of the first titties I saw was cause my mom let me see the Godfather really young and they were breasting that. Remember? Oh yeah, of course. Godfather 2, I believe. Oh yeah. Um,

Oh, no, no. That was the first one. That was the first one. They go to Sicily? Yeah, where he's hiding out in Sicily. Yeah. And I was like, damn, what's up with these? Mm-hmm. This looks awesome. Good times when you had to get married to see those tits. And you know what's interesting? Oh, wow. I didn't even think... I didn't even put this together now until right now. In that movie, she has those... Her nipples are not hard at all. She has those...

She's very puffy. Oh, yeah. At rest titties. Pull them up if you don't mind. Yeah, pull them up. Actually, Eldest, what are you doing, man? Hurry up, dude. What kind of producer are you? Apollonia Godfather Breasts. Apollonia. Surprised that didn't write itself out. Yeah. Breasts, Eldest. Come on. Come on, dude. Oh, yeah. She drops the nightie. She drops the nightie. Show them. Yeah. Oh, we have... What, do you have the child block on? What the hell, Eldest?

Oh, it's Pacino? How are you blowing this, man? Google's not what it used to be. Damn, I guess not. Dude, this is non-negotiable. You have to pull this up. There we go. Take the fucking safe search off, motherfucker.

Well, whatever. What are we watching? Your mom's movies? This is crazy, dude. Oh, there you go. Okay, here we go. Blur. Get the hell out of here. That's fucked up, dude. Horrible. They're taking the internet away from us, too, man. Yeah, it's not good. But I don't see her tits anyway. Yeah, breasts. Nude.

Nude Eldest. Wow. There. Boy, that's a supple tata. You see those puffers? Oh, yeah. And to this day, I like a loose at-rest titty. I like a puffy little nip. That's puffy. Don't get me wrong. I'll take a little hard one, too. Sure. Of course. But I've had girls in the past be like,

Or, like, not send me a... Or be like, I got to get my nipples hard or something to send a nude. Yeah. And I'm like, nah. Oh, that's what you mean by at rest. Send them at rest. I see. A flaccid breast. Got it. A flaccid nipple. Yes. And Apollonia might have started that for me. Wow. This is a great thing about this podcast. We find out about ourselves during it. Do you remember the first breasts you saw? Were they, like, a fame on a movie breast? My first boner was...

Dirty dancing. When the two girls are walking, like crawling toward each other in their underwear. Oh my God. I remember that. I remember looking at my pants going, something's bad. This is bad. I'm fucked. Mom, help. I thought something was wrong. Yeah. And I was rock hard. And I still love like women, like the workout videos and those leotards. I love all that shit. Oh, that's good stuff. Oh,

Oh, man. I've definitely looked up some gym-themed pornography. Oh, I love the gym stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's nothing nicer than a fat pair of titties popping out of a sports bra. Yes. You're like, what? And I like when the guy rips the spandex and he's banging the yoga pants still on with the hole in it. That's hot. Yeah. And I like the guy's cock. Yes.

We slowly get away from it. And I like when he rubs his cock on that rip and then sometimes he's just kind of holding his cock. It's always a great scene too because it's a guy who's like her personal trainer and his dick comes out of the bottom. She's like, what the hell? He's like, oh, geez. He's wearing such little shorts that his dick is so cartoonishly big. Yeah, right. It's like, come on, man. You're a trainer. Yeah.

This is like a guy in an office having his dick constantly pop out of his suit. You're at work right now, man. But let's be honest. If you were at a gym and a guy's dick popped out, you'd probably go, I'd rather suck that than work out. I'd rather do this than the elliptical. I don't know, man. I'm already at the gym. It's one thing if the guy's cock was like in my house.

You know what I mean? If I've already made it to the gym, I feel like I want to get the workout. I got you. And I don't particularly want to suck his cock either. Okay. But maybe if I was her. Yeah. Yeah. It's better than lifting. I don't know. I like lifting. If he's got a good body, he's nice and fit, got some good muscles going, good looking guy. That's what the problem is for you, Otis. He's got to be hot. Right.

You're at the gym. I mean, you think there's some kind of like ritualistic aspect to it where you're like, you're kind of paying homage to the man, the ripped man at the gym. Yeah. There's something satisfying about that. Oh yeah. Yeah. You're a part of the culture. Yeah. That's beautiful, man. Yeah. I still probably wouldn't suck his cock personally, but hey,

Whatever you guys want to do, that's cool. That's probably porn. You know how they won't let kids watch Superman because they'll jump off a building? I think a lot of us watch porn and we're like, oh, we'll just get laid everywhere. We'll have sex with everybody. We'll fuck at the gym. Yeah, I'll fuck my teacher. I'll fuck at the office. Well, you have fucked your teacher. It's covered in... That's true. That's true. Have you fucked anywhere strange? Oh, my God. I fucked my girlfriend in the movie theater during Monsters, Inc. Ha ha ha!

Yes. Back row, she got on top. She had a skirt on. We were the only people in the theater.

Good times. No condom, raw dog, and Monsters, Inc.? No, she was my high school girlfriend, so yeah, it was all naughty. Wow, on BC? Huh? Was she on birth control? No, no. Oh, were you fucking busting inside? I don't know. I think I pulled out and jizzed on the cup holder. Yeah, yeah. Right in the juju bean. Wow, man, good for you. Hey, what about you? Any weird spots? Not really, to be honest. Just... No, I mean...

No Chuck E. Cheese? No Chuck E. Cheese. Movie theater bathroom I got my dick sucked. Ooh, nice. Car, obviously, but nothing crazy. Really nothing crazy. I fuck, you know, mostly. And I like to... Lately, I fuck a lot of... Like, in my early 20s, you'd play a lot of... When I lived, you know, with a bunch of other dudes or I lived here and it was bullshit, I would fuck at a lot of other people's places. But now I have a nice place. People usually come over here. Right. So I play a lot of home games. I don't really...

Home games are better, but I like going there because you can leave. And I like seeing people's apartments. That's always... I mean, I like that too from an anthropological standpoint. But yeah, leaving is always much better, but I don't know, man. My bed is a good height for how I fuck. Oh, okay. You know, I've got it kind of like... I've got it like... I know I've kind of measured it out for perfect back shots height. I can't wait to look at your bed after this just to see what we're talking about. Yeah, literally...

When I bought a bed, when I was researching bed frames, I had my... It was as a joke, but it actually ended up being helpful. I had my boy get on all fours, and I pretended to fuck him in a mattress for it so that I could see if the fucking mattress and bed lined up for how I fucked him. That's great. That should be a feature. There should be a guy there for that.

Or at least a blow-up doll or a sex toy. We were joking. I was like, dude, wouldn't it be funny if you fucking got on all fours so I could make it? And he'd be like, yeah, it'd be fucking stupid. And then he did it, and I was like... Well, I kind of grabbed him. I was like, too high. Oh, fuck. All right. Let's do another question, LD. I wonder if no one stopped you. They're like, we don't want to look homophobic. Let him keep going. Excuse me. Me and my husband are looking for a bed.

I thought, what is going on? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was in fucking Saudi Arabia where you can't even see if you can fuck your husband in the ass in an Ikea. But yeah, the worst place, the weirdest place I ever fucked, probably early January a couple years ago at the Capitol. Oh.

He getting your dick sucked in Nancy Pelosi's office? Yeah, I'm sure that yak head guy cleaned up. Yeah. Because he was all over the place. Oh, did you know a bunch of somebody had to fuck him? Oh, yeah. He got a lot of good exposure. Yeah, yeah. He was putting a horn in each pussy. He's eating a girl's pussy and horn fucking two other ones. Yeah.

While he's doing it. A storm is coming. It's all part of the plan. Next question, Eldis. Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldis. Hey, guests. I really need help. Okay. I have these two guys in my life who, okay, maybe like three or four. I collect these men who continue to not take a hint and they won't.

leave me alone, basically. Okay. And they're not, I don't want to be mean. I don't want to tell them, like, hey, you have to not show up places I am. Oh, no.

God damn.

It's a lot. It's a lot. I'm having a bad time. Please answer this on one of the free shows because I really need help. You're lucky. How do I let down these dudes who keep trying to, like, take advantage of my niceness? But I don't want to be mean, so mean that I...

have to be like, hey, go fuck yourself, leave me alone, because they haven't done anything wrong enough to deserve that. Okay, I love the podcast. Thank you. I relate to this. I can't say no to people. If I was a woman, I would let every nerd fuck my holes all day long, because I can't say no, so I totally get where she's coming from. I'm so lucky I'm a guy. Right, right.

That's tough. That is very tough because, oh, damn. Showing up is crazy. Crazy. That's stalker shit. Yeah. I mean, that's like, you actually have a pretty good disposition here for what's going on because this is fucked up. Yeah. Now, this is the kind of thing where it's like, you should never be in this position, right? But the most effective way to fucking think about this is like,

Like, this could be an opportunity... Because, yeah, maybe it is a thing of being kind of too nice. And also for women, like, scared. Yeah. Because you got this fucking guy that'll just show up. Right. Like, who knows what... If she was just like, hey, you're being really fucking weird. Like, this is making me uncomfortable. You don't know what these fucking guys are capable of. I know. Like, it's scary. Being a woman is fucking scary, dude. That is tough. Especially, like, a guy you went on two dates with. Right. If they don't take the hint... Like, I know one of the worst feelings is getting rejected. Like...

I could get rejected by somebody who I haven't fucked or someone who I fucked a hundred times. But what feels bad is getting rejected by somebody you fucked once. Because it's like they gave you a shot and you blew it. Right. You know what I mean? So you were really bad. That's a tough one. Like, there's a girl who, like, you know, it wasn't like anything serious was going to happen. But, like, you know, it's just like that one affected me where she was like, you know, this is cool, but I'm just like, you know.

I like you but I want to be friends and it was like if we had never fucked I'd be like okay or if we had like gone on a long had a nice relationship and we were like you know this is great but we're not going to work out there was just something so demoralizing about a girl I fucked once being like

You're cool and I like you. It's not your personality. I am attracted enough to have fucked you once. I know, but you blew it. But you blew it. So like, especially if there's a guy she went on, even if she didn't hook up with him, she went on a couple dates, that also feels bad, right? So these guys are in a fucked up position where they don't understand this is my prop. When that happened to me, I didn't fucking stalk this girl. I was like,

I'm sad for two weeks. You got to internalize it. So you got to deal with it and you got to realize like, okay, that sucks. But on, you know, next thing. So she's probably dealing with some, some of, she's, she says she collects these guys, right? So this is a chronic issue for you. And I'm not, this is not blaming you, but it's the same way where we all, these patterns happen for a reason, right? Like you find people from your life, like,

Just on some pop psychology shit. I don't know, but you should see it. You should talk to a therapist about this because I know that I was due because of some patterns in my childhood. I was kind of picking up

who had similar people to, like, who had similar traits to, like, my shitty, you know, dad or whatever. Like, you know what I mean? You're, like, you're conditioned to, like, to recreate your, like, family shit. Familiarity. And I have friends, like, who are like that all the time. We have a friend who just, like, he almost prefers his family suck dick and all his relationships...

the longest lasting ones, it doesn't really seem like he likes them. He just likes complaining the way he would complain about his family growing up. - Exactly. - And so it's like, I think there probably is something

In your background, psychology, whatever. Yes, 100%. Where like these people are drawn to you or maybe you're a little people pleaser. That's the simplest one, right? I think she kind of likes it a little bit. Maybe there's a... These guys are scary, but I think she is giving something off. Like, hey, don't stop following me. Yeah, I don't know whether it's like...

I don't know what her perception of it is after the first whatever, but she definitely, this is a pattern at least. Yes. Right? At the very least, it's like, and it might not be that she likes it. It might just be that she, like you said, like you were saying about yourself, she can't say no. Yeah. Or she's indirect about it or whatever. And so I guess, now that's all a big, like, you know, prologue to say. The first step is like trying to

Be one notch more direct than you have been. Yes. Right? It's just like dialing it up slowly and being like, hey, man, it's making me a little... You showing up here is honestly making me uncomfortable. We can be friends. Whatever you want to say. If this is how you feel, we can be friends, but...

Well, I'll bump into you places, but I don't really want to hang out this much or it's kind of creeping me out that you're looking at my Instagram and then, you know, whatever. Then I have to put the hammer down a little bit. But yeah, at a certain point, you probably are going to have to be like, and even like, let's be friends thing.

It's risky. Do you actually mean that? Exactly. If you don't mean it, then be like, hey, I enjoyed our dates, but I think we should, you know, go, you know, see other people or something like that. Or you could take a, you know, and I think that you have to do some element of that. But at the same time, and for yourself, so that you get out of this situation. But at the same time,

You don't owe these guys anything. You want to just be safe and out of there. So I think it's a two-pronged approach of, like, being a little more direct for yourself and to, like, make, you know...

Make it clear to these guys. But also, if you have to kind of like weasel your way out of this and be like, hey, I'm working too much or I have a boyfriend or whatever. Yeah, lie. You can also lie. Lie your balls off. You don't owe these guys anything. Yes. But at the same time, you should work on being more direct for yourself. And I think the overall thing here is like,

If this is a pattern, if you collect these guys, like you said, figure out why. Go to therapy, figure out why. Something is on you a little bit here because it keeps happening. If there's a pattern, you're doing something. And I'm not...

defending these weirdo stalkery guys. But there's a reason it keeps happening. There's a reason. And they're so foreign to me. And it's probably not... And here's the thing. The reason's not your fault, right? No, no. The reason is like my hunch is some weird shit in your fucking childhood. Yep. Or that just kind of like... Subconscious. Like that's probably it. So figure that out and then... But also like be as direct as you can with these guys while you feel safe, I guess, is my advice. Other people around. And then...

You don't owe these money. Do some of that progress for yourself. But then ultimately, if you have to just kind of lie and like weasel your way out of it, that's okay this time. And then from now on, try and be as direct as possible. Be a little more direct. And much more importantly, you know, go to therapy and try and figure this out.

specific issue. I always find going to therapy when you have a specific thing is really helpful, actually. And, you know, there's definitely people can over-pathologize things and, you know, especially with like the Jonah Hill stuff where everyone was looking at like

the language and being like this is therapy language but not in a therapy it's like I think there can be you can still it's like there's like a weird therapy backlash after those texts but I find I do find therapy is very useful like I went to therapy and I was like

When I was in my 20s, about people-pleasing stuff, especially because my family, I felt all this guilt about... Ironically, the thing that got me into therapy was I wanted to do comedy, and I felt all this guilt as the firstborn son of an immigrant family that I couldn't do it. And then after that, it was like...

Well, I'm a little too people-pleasing. And then it's like, okay. And then after that, it was like, I really want to repair my relationship with my brothers. And all that stuff, when I went in with specific things, therapy was incredibly useful for that stuff. Yeah. Now, the day-to-day stuff, if you don't have anything specific, I think your mileage will vary with how successful it is. But a problem like this where you're like, hey...

I don't know what the fuck's going on. I keep getting these fucking losers that won't take no for an answer. That, I think, with a good therapist will be very useful and you can really take a look at. It's pretty fascinating how people will fall back into those traps. Like the girl with the alcoholic father keeps dating alcoholics. And she's like, I don't know what my problem is. And it's just in the wiring. It's insane, dude. The cement is dry. It's fascinating how you can subconsciously find those things. And then two...

These guys blow my mind because I'm so hyper worried about annoying. When I was single, I didn't want to annoy a girl. And they'd always be like, you don't text enough or you're so distant. I'm like, I don't want to bother you or smother you. Well, that's the irony. Since it'd show up somewhere as bananas to me. The irony is you probably attracted women that were clingy because of that. Yes, I did. You're right. You're right. But so anyway, good luck, pal. You're lucky it's a free one.

We've answered your question. I feel like in the meantime, too, she should also imagine

you know, imagine if one of your girlfriends was telling you, you're like, she's like going through this. She's having a guy. She went on one date with like show up randomly. And you know that just like, she's like, Oh, this guy's kind of weird. But just be like, no, just like think about it more ruthlessly and like block these motherfuckers on Instagram. Totally block them. Yeah. True. Hide, hide all your stories from them. If they're like looking at your story, absolutely showing up and shit. Like you,

Just be a little more pragmatic about it and just distance the fuck out of them for yourself because clearly they don't get it. Yeah. You're absolutely right, and I think...

The only reason I didn't say, like, hey, tell these guys to fuck off, block them, whatever, is because they're showing up around her. And so it's more of a safety. But in a world where you're not worried about your safety, you should be like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? Leave me alone. It just sucks that, you know, I'm guessing that's why she's not being so direct. But if not, if you're not actually scared about these guys, then...

you should be that direct with them, honestly. But, yeah. No, that's a good point. Obviously, I would definitely block these motherfuckers and hide your stories from them. Oof, that's a tough place to be. I know. You have to hide shit from a loser. And then being that loser where you're like looking at a girl's stories. Yeah. And showing up. Showing up. Don't you have anything to do? Dude, don't do

go do your thing. Go find another lady. Imagine getting so little pussy that a woman being just nice to you merits looking at her stories and like these motherfuckers are so mentally ill. I wonder if she's super hot maybe. She could be, yeah. She's maybe super hot and nice which is a

Hell of a combo. Totally, totally. She sounds nice. She sounds like pretty boisterous and for like a certain type of loser, they're like, oh, she's like, you know, really cool. I might be able to like fuck her or whatever. They keep chipping away, but it's like, you know, this type of guy is like,

You can't give them a single thing. You just got to put the wall up entirely. No, maybe we can be friends. You don't need to get a drink with this guy or whatever. No, but you're right. It's a funny combination of loser and persistent. Yes. Because it's like I was a loser. Don't get me wrong. I didn't get pussy until my...

like late to my early 20s. Once I graduated college and I lived in that house in Baltimore, I started getting pussy. But until then, 15 to fucking 22...

I was the biggest... I was too nervous to get pussy. It was annoying because it was like... I was still charismatic and entertaining, but I just couldn't close the deal with a woman because I was nervous. And the idea that I would go on a couple dates, a girl would be like, no thanks, and then I would show up. That's insanity. I did go to one time a girl...

I did it one time where a girl invited me to a Halloween party and I assumed it was like a real, like, oh yeah, we'll hang out. Like we'd been on one awkward date and it was one of the worst experiences of my life where she just, I don't know, I guess she didn't really expect me to go. But it's like, bitch, then don't fucking invite me. Don't invite me. And I'm in these weird places in Baltimore where at the time I didn't know about, you know, these weird warehouse parties. Yeah. You know, three years later I would be the king of those fucked up scenes. Yeah.

But it freaked me out. I was still in college, and it's like all these guys in an abandoned warehouse getting fucked up, and I was scared. I had a horrible time. It didn't help that you just wouldn't stop eating the candy. I was nervously eating Twix. My stomach. Yeah, yeah. I was having diarrhea in the one working toilet. And, madam, if I could say one perk of being a lady is you can pull this guy, I'm scared. If I have a girl kind of stalking me, I can't be like, I'm scared.

And everybody else will stop her. But if the woman's like, I'm worried about this guy. He's freaking me out. I'm a little nervous. Everybody will help you. Sure. Everybody will get on board. Yeah, hopefully your friends too. But that's the fucked up thing is you shouldn't have to get to that place. Of course. You know, where it's like, like, that's what sucks is like, you don't want to make it a fucking like danger thing. But yeah, if push comes to shove, for sure, you should have people. That's the other thing. Think about if like a friend of ours had this problem.

I would also be like, do you want us to fuck that guy up? Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. If push comes to shove, you also have the nuclear option. Yeah, the ripcord. I would love to fuck a nerd up for a friend of mine. Yeah. That would be fun. That would be great. But a guy can't really pull that ripcord. Like, can you beat...

Susan up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This woman I went on two dates with kept showing up, so I clocked her in the head. Exactly. But your honor, she was being clingy. Yes. Anyway, we're rooting for you, pal. Hopefully that was helpful. Hit us with another one, Eldissimo.

Hey, Stavi. My name is Jack. So my roommate, she has this cat. This cat's, you know, it's a cool cat. She's freaking like 15 years old or some shit. It's ridiculous. But she's still like...

I got it mentally. But as far as like physically, she's like fucking like, you know, running up and down the stairs cause she's constipated and then like shitting on the stairs. And then, you know, like, you know, sometimes pissing on the carpet too. It's not like, you know,

It's fucking annoying, but it's, I guess, not the worst thing in the world because, you know, it's still like a cute cat, I guess. Sounds pretty bad. I don't know. I guess... This is nothing. To get to the point, I think this cat is, like, you know, really old and kind of, like, in a lot of pain and at some point, like...

How do I have the conversation with her that maybe it needs to be put down? And then I guess it's also worth mentioning my roommate's, like, bipolar. Oh, boy. So I can't, you know, she's on medication most of the time. Most. But she did just lose her meds today. Lose? So I obviously, like, can't approach that situation now. What? Yeah, let me know what you think. Bye.

Well, if she's off her meds, just tell her the cat. You caught the cat trying to steal her stuff. If she's off her meds, tell her the cat is Satan. And if she doesn't kill it... This is the worst problem in this guy's life. Some other motherfucker, some Marine's like, I bought a house, bitch! I bought an engagement ring. You got a bad cat? Who gives a fuck? It's not even your cat.

Well, pal, I mean, it's just so funny to be living with these kinds of minor stacked up inconveniences. You already have kind of an unstable roommate whose cat is kind of annoying. I mean, cat shit on your stairs is constant shitting. That's bad. If it was just kind of like an in-pain cat who didn't shit everywhere, I'd be like...

Like, all right, man, who cares? Feed it some catnip. Like, sneak it some fucking pills. Do whatever. But, like, how do you have the conversation with your bipolar roommate? There might be bigger fish to fry with your bipolar roommate now that she's off her meds. Right. I'm not worried about the cat. I'm worried about her with the knife behind me. Or her in a bad mood or whatever. Yeah, I mean, you know...

Yeah, clearly, I guess your roommate doesn't clean up after the cat. Maybe that's the problem. Oh, maybe. That's pretty gross. There's just shit everywhere. I don't know about having the conversation about putting the cat down is kind of weird. That's weird. What do you care? Would you tell your roommate that they have to kill their cat? No. It doesn't feel like... I would broach it. Not when we were roommates, but just some guy.

I would broach it because 15 is pretty old for a cat. Yeah. And if they're like, you know, it sounds like this cat like needs diapers, which is like dogs wear diapers and shit when they get like old and senile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's like shitting and pissing constantly and, you know, she's bipolar, she lost her meds.

I'm going to go ahead and say she's not cleaning up this shit every single time. Like this guy's probably got to do some scrubbing. So yeah, I think you can be like, Hey, this cat is like fucking up our house. I know you love it, but it's also in, in like pain and it's living a miserable life. Like, you know,

It would be cool to do. It's just time to put it down. Yeah. I think you could broach that. But people love their fucking pets, dude. They love their cat. People love their pets. I have a cat. I love this fucking thing. I cuddle with it. I play with it. I love it. I fuck it. But this guy, what he should do is have people over and let them say it. Mm-hmm.

You know, like, wow, this cat has really got to go. Like, this is bad. You're making it sadder. Like, he would be happier if he was dead. Like, get them to do it. Yeah. Well, it's just, it's such an interesting position because you're not close enough to a person to have this conversation. You just happen to be roommates. Oh, they're not buds. Like, I don't, I mean, I don't, it doesn't.

I don't know if they are. If you guys are close, then you can have the conversation. But if you're not, then you essentially have a business partnership. Yeah, that's tough. You know, it's like, if anything, this is a reason for you to move out. Yes. Like, off meds, fucked up old cat. Then, think about this. You think this lady who just went off her meds

and is on him some of the time, you think she's going to take her cat dying well? Ooh. Like, you think she's going to just not be fucking, like, sad as fuck and weird after it? I don't know, man. Yeah. What if he tried, like, hey, this cat's making a mess constantly, right?

do you think maybe it's at the point that it like stays in your room when you're not home or something for starters, just like contain it and like make it so that they have to deal with it. And that's so you're not seeing like shit and piss. It's, it's hard. It is hard. This is fucked up. Yeah. Because when you're out, when you like are outside of it, it's like so plain that the cat needs to be put down. Yeah. Yeah. You can't say that to someone, especially if they're like just a roommate that you're not that close with. Totally. Um,

Yeah, dude. Like, I would say it to you, no problem. I would be like, I would kill your cat, actually. I wouldn't be like... I wouldn't kill it, but I would put out obstacles for it. You know, I'd leave the window open. Yeah, bring a dog over. Yeah, I'd put a little fucking...

some tuna right at the edge of the balcony. Right hanging off the edge. He's like, go ahead. Grab it, buddy. I was going to say that maybe he does need to play God because ultimately, what does he give a fuck about this roommate, Bailey? Or this fucking decrepit old cat?

So, you know, maybe you got to intervene and you know, you're doing a good thing for the cat. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. The angel of death. Put it out of its misery. Yeah. You let some fucking crazy ass cat outside, like kill it instantly. Leave a door open, leave a window open. I don't know. Maybe a little poison. Poison would be nice. Poison in the food bowl. That might not be a bad, bad. Yeah. Um,

Does it have any other health problems that you would buy it dying off of? The curveball is the bipolar. That changes everything. If the guy wasn't bipolar, I feel like you could do the whole talk. Hey, it's old. It's shitting everywhere. It's not fun. Well, bipolar but just lost her meds is really the curveball. Bipolar on meds, it's whatever. They take their meds. Who gives a fuck? But if you're freshly off meds,

You want a killer cat now? I don't know, brother. Yeah. How fucked up is your... Is it a nice apartment? Like, can you get a different place? To me, this is just like...

This is the tough thing because she's right on the edge of it being too annoying to live through. But I mean, when I was broke, I would put up with this for sure. Oh, of course. Yeah. It should be nothing. Just another fact of life. Yeah. I guess it really becomes a problem if she's not picking up after the cat. That's what it is. That would piss me off. I mean, it's not good for your whole place to smell like cat piss, but...

Yeah. I don't know, man. You're pretty much fucked here. Just poison it. Who gives a fuck? Kill the cat. Shoot it in the back of the head. You'll be doing it a favor, doing yourself a favor. There you go. And you're not going to live there forever. Yeah. Yeah. Find a different place. One more, Marky? You got time? Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. Hit us with a nice one, Eldis.

I feel like I've flubbed that one, so give me a real juicy one. No, I know. We didn't have much for him. It's a fucking weird problem. Okay, if I don't get this one right, I'm not calling back. Hello, Stav. Uh...

I was dating a girl that I met at the end of 2020 for a few months, I think like three or four months. Um, it was fine. I liked her a lot. She liked me towards the end. It was kind of said that she was going through, um, a phase of, you know, having just gotten out of a long relationship I had also. And so she didn't want to like be,

be my girlfriend in that specific case, which was fine. I appreciated her honesty and I was like, cool, like, you know, good luck. Um, and we stayed in touch to, you know, a moderate degree. We, once we kind of like that was said, we never had any like physical contact really again. But, um, you know, we would go out to lunch every once in a while and things like that. Um, so that was like two years ago.

Last night I noticed that she had just, uh, she's in the final stages of graduating from this writing course. I'm getting her MFA in writing her thesis program or whatever her thesis for the program is to publish. And she wrote a book. And so I was reading excerpts from the book, kind of mostly just looking for my own name. And, uh,

The premise of her book is that she's a... My life, fucking nothing but losers. And the premise of... Yeah, let's get a couple out before we let him say what it actually is. The premise of the book, my life, lying to losers about getting out of a relationship. Ha ha ha.

Sucking someone off eight times and stealing their credit card information and then telling them, I just got out of an engagement. Do you have anything, Mark, or should we play it? The premise of the book is... Well, it's...

It's my version of Anne Frank, except I can't get away from this fucking asshole. It's not the Nazis. It's the stream. It's some guy off Hinge with little round glasses and a denim jacket, if I had to guess. All right, let's see what the premise actually is. She's like a habitual chronic liar.

And I couldn't figure out if it was real or if this was a fictitious premise. Oh, boy. Or some mix of the two. But there were many, many, many things that she had said to me that in this book were kind of like confessed to be out and out lies. And some kind of like weirdly...

personal and kind of important things. And so I messaged her and I, you know, I was like, congrats on having this out in the world. Uh, I am curious, you know, what, what did you say to me that wasn't true? Because there was a couple of things that, that we kind of bonded on in terms of shared life experience that was then said to be not true in this book.

I would never read an extra book. She kind of wouldn't answer. She referred to it as a big game. I would read my wife's book. Now, like, I have no interest in her and I being together, but I did value how that relationship kind of went. I was very proud of her.

Not just myself, but I've heard for how we handled things and how I was under the impression that we were being very honest, which is why. Shut the fuck up. I mean, you got to break up with this guy. I get it now. You were proud of yourself and her? Oh, God. Come on, dude. What do you mean you were proud of her for breaking up with you? I know. Dude, come on. I'm sorry. Finish this. Sorry.

This guy's going to hear this. I don't know why I'm thinking of that personally, and I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it, but I don't really have... Also, around that time, I moved to a new city, which is where I live now, and most of my friends here are either girls or gay guys, so I don't really have too many straight guys. And then some times...

It just cut off because you wouldn't shut the fuck up. He's just butthurt to the maximum about this shit. Yeah.

The sad part is that she thought he was worthy of writing a book about. This is not good stuff. He's not even in the book, right? She just wrote about how she lies all the time, right? I'm assuming she adapted parts of their actual relationship for this book. That's what I think. Maybe it's not about him. Maybe it's about how she was like... But isn't that even worse for him? Here's what's going on. This guy thought...

He had a special relationship that was doomed due to time, right? This guy thought, what a connection if only we hadn't been both out of relationships. Which, by the way, that wasn't a problem for him. No. He pretends it is now that she said it. Right, right. But he would have dated her in a fucking heartbeat. Totally. So he has this narrative crafted about this. And look, I was shitting on him, but I know what he means about being proud of like,

a relationship ending civilly, right? There is something to, you feel like when, because I felt that way after, like, I really gave my last relationship a go, right? Because my whole life I've been scared of commitment, I didn't want to, you know, I didn't want to do it, I would always fuck up. If a relationship was good, I would fuck it up. And then I felt, even though that relationship ended, and it didn't end particularly well, but, like, it didn't end bad, like, horrible or anything, but even though it wasn't ultimately successful, I

I was proud. I was like, you know what? I gave it a shot. I didn't like... You know, we worked through some stuff. I got closer to being like, you know, being a... Like somebody... I got closer to getting my relationship shit together by actually trying. So as much as we shit on him, I get where he's coming from. So basically though...

His narrative of this relationship has been completely shattered. And not only that, for some dumb bitch with an MFA, like that's the other thing, no one's going to read this. Nobody. No one's going to read her fucking thing about being a fucking lying cunt. Yeah, it's her thesis. It's her fucking MFA thesis. Yeah.

And it's about how she's a fucking piece of shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? And what did you expect? And he went immediately. First of all, it's not even published. He saw it. Right. You clearly are lying to yourself a little bit here, pal. Yeah. You're like, why are you looking? And did you think she was going to blow you in the book and glorify you? Maybe. Maybe he did, though. I think he did. But it's like, what are you crazy? That's not a good book. I met this guy. He was great. Yeah.

We had a great ending to our relationship. No, it's got to be juicy. It's a book. Of course. Yeah, no, that's what's fucked up about this is like it just completely, he completely, it shattered his shit. He was expecting that. He was expecting like, if anything, like a passage from,

Even a short passage about, oh, what a doomed but beautiful relationship. Like, that's what he wanted. He wanted, like, a couple pages about, you know, something. Oh, yeah. And so, look, dude.

I don't even know what the question is here. You have to be honest with yourself. That hurt your feelings. And yeah, you dated kind of a sociopath who not only was your moment not special, but you were being mined for some of the worst literature of all time. There you go. And that's tough. That's a big L to swallow. Big L, but at least you're in a book. At least you made it. You have a credit now. You have something. Somebody wrote about you.

So, just, here's, the reality is, you never really dealt with this breakup. Instead, you crafted a narrative to help you get through it. And now you're sort of re-getting broken up with. Yes. He's kind of going through the pain of a breakup all over again because he misread the first one so bad. That's what it feels like to me. Yeah. So treat this like a breakup. It'll be easier than the first breakup, but you'll be kind of sad. Yeah.

Someone kind of fucked your reality up, and that's it. Take it as a wake-up call, though. You're not always right. You build these narratives up in your head, and this guy needed a book to see the truth almost. Yeah.

I mean, it's a tough one. Don't get us wrong. It's tough. We feel for you. But you can't be reading these books. And that's another thing. You can't... It's not going to be good. No, no. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm, you know, if an ex makes anything about you, you don't want... You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And even when I write jokes about relationships or whatever, I do try and think about the person to some degree. Yeah, you don't want to hurt anybody. But I also recognize as someone who, like, look...

This is my fucking job. I'm going to talk about this stuff. Sure. It's like...

I know it's embarrassing. That's the embarrassing part about dating a comedian. It's not really being with them. You date a musician, you might get a song written about you. You date a comedian, you get a joke about eating pussy poorly written about you. Or it's like your pussy they're talking about. You're the loser in the joke. Hey, believe me, I'm the loser in these jokes. Yeah, she had a great pussy. Even if this guy confronted the woman, she'd be like, you read that?

Yeah, I know. That's true. You are doing a loser behavior here. Yeah. By really giving a fuck so much. Like, you know, this shit, you weren't walking at a book fair. Ah, just perusing. You're like, hey, what the hell? This is Kathleen's book. Right. And you picked it up and you're like, hey, that's...

You just... What the hell? No. You saw probably an Instagram story. Yeah, yeah. Googled, you know, fucking columbia.edu backslash Kathleen underscore Turner underscore thesis and

downloaded the PDF, control F for your name. Yes. You're a fucking loser. Wow. Like that's loser behavior. Have you done this? You nailed that. No, but no, no. That was a great procedure. I haven't done it, but that's probably what this fucking guy did. You know what I mean? And so that's the, you also have to just be honest with yourself. This fucked you up.

You're basically dealing with the hurt of a breakup all over again, and that's okay. But, you know, it sucks. And we're with you. It sucks. He's probably leaving out the part about the paragraph he read in there where she was like, and by the way, his dick was trash. That was the most trash dick I ever had. And I lied to him about that endlessly. The trash dick chapter. That's tough. Yeah, dude. So, sorry.

I'm sorry, but you know, you'll bounce back, baby. And her line doesn't actually, you should still be proud of yourself about how that relationship ended. You can't worry about the other person being a sociopath, right? And this is also another lesson of, yeah, don't be reading, you don't need new information. No, no. You weren't interested in dating this woman again, right? That's what you claim anyway. Right.

And you were perfectly happy before you read that. Sometimes it's that Pandora's box thing. If you had never looked at that thesis. Curiosity was killing him. You'd be fine. You'd be happier today living a lie. He thought it was going to be positive. This guy is a little up his own ass. I think a little delusional. I think he thought this is going to be a glowing review. And he got trashed. Trash dick.

Sorry, pal. I'm sorry to really compound it. We really have just been trashing you now. I know. I feel bad. He wrote in. I feel bad, too, but whatever. Fuck him. Well, hey, he's probably like, ooh, I'm in Star-Roses pod. I have to listen. That's going to be great. I'm sure he'll be supporting me fully. Yeah, yeah. He fast-forwarded to the end. He waited for his name. Just like the book. Control F. Control F. All right. All right.

We'll be bleeping that, but you can guess what he said, folks. Soup to nuts on the big end. Go watch it. Go see him live. Come see us live. Stavi.biz. We've got the tour kicking off in London, and then we're all over the place. Hell yeah. Trying to sell some tickets in Cleveland, Ohio. The rest of the tour is selling really nice.

But, yeah, come see us. Thank you, Mark, for doing the show, man. Thank you. Sorry, I've got a guy outside waiting. Wait, has somebody been in the car? No, he's going to open a show. I told him to meet me here a little while ago. He's good. He can come inside. All right. Thanks, guys. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you for having me.