#34 - Grace Kuhlenschmidt
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Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in and we'll solve all your problems. I'm pumped to have in the stew, in Astoria, straight from the au pair capital of the world, Fort Greene, Grace, I'm gonna... Kuhnelschmidt? Kuhnelschmidt. Kuhnelschmidt, fuck. I love Kuhnelschmidt, that's fun. That was fun, because I used to say...

I like pronounce your name with a hard D. Yeah. There's like a, in the pronunciation, I hit it with a Kondol Schmidt. There's frankly too many letters. There's too many letters. They could have spelled this, my last name, in like seven letters and they chose to do 13. Kuhlenschmidt. Kuhlenschmidt. Way easier. Yeah. It doesn't sound bad when you say it. I think he's the one. But it's fucked up on the page. I know. It's really ugly actually. It sucks. It's real German in like the bad parts of Germany. I know. It really makes you feel like when you read it. At one point, there's five consonants in a row.

That sucks. That's like, that's not a word almost. Yeah, and it's like, it's one thing when it's like Polish and they throw in some fun Zs and Xs and shit. Right. But you just got regular consonants. I wish I at least had an umlaut. Yeah, an umlaut. That would be so funny.

so cool. An umlaut would turn it up. You gotta start throwing an umlaut in there. If I had an umlaut, I would just go by cool. K-U-H-L with an umlaut. I mean, it would change my vibe completely. I would actually take the H out. I would just go K-U-L and then let the umlaut do the happy whiskey. And I would start my rapper

career too. Yeah, yeah, great school. And I'd be British. That'd be cool. Yeah, it would be sick. And you could have like a lot of Joe Cool the Camel. Yeah. Like crossovers. Oh my God, you're right. Okay, you're figuring out my merch now. You're younger than us, but did you remember, do you remember Joe Cool? Not like,

Very well. He was awesome. He was a camel. It was a camel. Yeah. He was like the camel mascot and just straight up was to make children smoke. Yeah. Because he wore sunglasses? He wore sunglasses. He was like, dude, pull up some Joe Cool shit. He was so... If I remember, he was hot. Maybe it's Joe Camel. He's a piece of ass for sure. Yeah, look at him. Oh my God.

God. Like, I'm just a little ass kid seeing a fucking sick camel in a leather jacket. He's got bitches. He's like, he's got a motorcycle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know he's fucking hong. He's playing piano and bonico. Playing piano. And it just looks so, like, to this day, that looks fucking hong. Like, I want to smoke a cigarette right now. Right. I was six years old being like, I can't wait to smoke cigarettes. Oh, my God.

I cannot wait to fucking smoke. I think I literally, because I think I literally asked my parents for cigarettes. Yeah. Because, you know, you're a dumbass little kid. You just, advertising's just working on you. And I think that my mom was very, when you brought something to her attention, she was very protective. A lot of shit slid by. Of course. Little Venetia easily. But once I let her know how much, because I had a joke, I had a camel hat that I would just wear to school. While you were a kid? I was seven years old in my most prized possession. Do you know where you got it?

I don't. I think it just... My dad was a... You know, my dad's a carpenter and they all just wear, like, free merch. Totally. Like, today you'll see it, like... You'll see, like, a lot of, like, Hispanic, like, carpenter guys who don't... Like, will just wear a shirt that says princess on it or, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, a classic move where it's, like... They just got it from the thrift store and, like... Totally. And, like, I think Greg Giraldo had that joke. I don't mean to steal it, everyone. Relax. But my Greek... Greek...

day laborers and carpenters were very much the same. So any free merch they got their hands on. Graphic tees. Oh, love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he wore a lot of like, I think I got it. I think it was my dad's hat, if I had to guess. So you're like, I'll have a milk and a cigarette. If it was up to me, yeah. I mean, that actually is a pretty good meal. A chocolate milk. It's pretty well-rounded. A chocolate milk and a cigarette. It also might have come from our other friend whose family just unapologetically smoked.

Really? In the house, too, you think? Not do I think. I was there. My mom made me hang out with them less because I had asthma. No! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a full smoker's cough at seven? Truly. But...

Yeah, I always thought cigarettes were cool. They're awesome. I remember as a kid thinking, like, drinking is bad. But cigarettes, I always was like, no, that's sick for sure. Just visually so awesome. Because, like, we also, like, I'm 34. And so it was, like, right at the cutoff where people were still smoking indoors. Totally. Like, I remember when they stopped, when they made it illegal to smoke in bars. Like, we weren't, we were sneaking into bars when you, like, I wasn't 21 yet, but it was, like,

My first bar experience was like you could smoke in bars. Wow. A really beautiful time. I know. And they looked awesome. If only we could still smoke on airplanes. I know. That would be awesome. Now I'd be sick to just...

Now weed is so acceptable. Like, I want to smoke weed on an airplane. Yeah. I think they should do like. That would be sick. Kind of how all those billionaires just went on that submersible. Yes. They should have people where you could pay more. You could pay double. Yeah. To go on an airplane and smoke. That would be sick. The smokers fucking lounge. Yeah.

It could be really cool. I mean, Snoop Dogg, where you at, dude? That's easy. Soul Plane for real? I would go on Soul Plane for real if it was. That's a great movie, by the way. I haven't seen it, honestly. It's fucking awesome. You think private jets just stink of tobacco?

Yeah, definitely. They can do whatever they want on those fucking things, for sure. And I think they have a way to... Although I will... Not to brag, I was on one private jet one time. Please, please brag. And yes, did I sit on the same toilet Beyonce sat on? Yes. Wow! It's the Puma jet. I'm guessing she had to piss.

At some point. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she's too classy. She only pees, though. I'm positive of that. Yeah, she definitely doesn't shit outside of the comfort of her own home. She's got, like, the bathroom she shits in, you need, like, an NDA to clean. Yeah. Like, there's, like, one special maid who does nothing. Yeah, they're, like, worried of someone taking DNA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they will kill you if they even get the faintest hint of, like, you're talking about Beyonce shits. 100%. Yeah, yeah, because that would...

Honestly, if you had a picture of Beyonce shit, that would go so viral. And I would love to see it, honestly. Just right now, I'm part of the problem. No, I think that would be cool. I think that it could be really amazing if she came out with kind of like an Everybody Poops book. Oh, wow. That's interesting. Wouldn't that be kind of something new? Yeah. Just so that we know that beautiful women also poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I know I do. Who's the most shit-forward...

hot lady do you think I don't know you know who it's probably gonna be and it's not gonna work cause this is too much her thing is Jennifer Lawrence you're right Lawrence yes J-Law J-Law it's gonna be her and it's not gonna work cause you've done too much of a J-Law and also I can still see her I can still

I can still see her and I'm like, I know that they're pretty small poops. Right. You're right. She's not living my life. She would act like they're huge dumps. And I just know it. They're not. I just know it. They're not. What about Sharon Stone? I feel like she's pretty crazy. I feel like she's pretty crazy. Coming to Sharon Stone? I don't know, man. I don't know. Just for the crazy factor only. I don't know. In her prime, I don't think she's talking about her shits.

Just too much like the absolute biggest piece of ass in Hollywood. She was awesome. Yeah. That's fair. Maybe now. I think now, though. She's aged gracefully as like an ambassador for aging and like maybe taking... I mean, who had the shit, the diarrhea yogurt? Jamie...

Oh, Jamie Lee Curtis? Jamie Lee Curtis had diarrhea yogurt. Yeah. Activia. That was huge. Oh, that was her? That was her. Well, no, I think it just makes you shit. It makes you shit. But it's like an explicitly... It's fibrous. It's like a shit conscious yogurt. Totally. Like it's about shitting. It's like keeping you regular, all that kind of shit. We should put all yogurt in Go-Gurt form. Yeah.

I like that. It's so much easier. Go-Gurt was huge. I remember being pumped for Go-Gurt. This is another thing that the advertising got my ass because, again, we were around when Go-Gurt dropped. Yeah. And I remember being so pumped. But because it wasn't a cigarette, I asked for it and my mom got it for me. And then you just have hot yogurt in your mouth.

In your lunchbox. I know. And it fucking sucked. Yeah, you're right. It was like... Like, the idea that yogurt is on the go is one of the most fucked up ideas of all time. Also, like... Like, it's in plastic heating up. Yeah, and your hand is hot. Yeah. It's like, it's a really fucked up idea. But those days, everything in my lunchbox was hot. My lunchbox itself was, like...

It was hot to the touch. So it was like my water, my PBJ was melting. It was just horrible. Did you have like a, who packed your lunches and did they take pride in the lunch? My mom packed my lunches and like she took pride in it, but my parents were all like, we eat like natural organic foods growing up. Oh no, that sucks. So yeah, like even my brother went to a birthday party one time.

And when my mom picked him up, the mom was like, hey, can I talk to you separately to my mom? And she goes, so Jack ate about 20 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

And my mom was like, that's insane. And she was like, I just want to make sure that you're feeding your son. And my mom was like, what? That's fucking awesome. But it was because it was Skippy. Oh, yeah. He had never had it. We're like addicted to sugar anytime we can get our hands on it. Yeah. Skippy, if you only had natural peanut butter. Oh, my God. It's like you peeled the chocolate off the Reese's peanut butter cups. Still to this day, I can like appreciate natural peanut butter, but I'm like,

Skippy's it. There's something about like thousands of grams of sugar that just do make it better. This is so sick. That's an awesome move on your brother's part to just eat 20 BBJs. Was he a fat kid? He was like, I was much fatter than him always, but he was like chubby up until maybe like

his teens. Gotcha. But I just stuck with it all the way through. Stuck with it, hell yeah. Now we're talking. I was like, I'm never quitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sobbing all the time. It always pisses, like, I'm weirdly, like, happy and it always pisses me off when a fat friend loses, like, and

And it's like, look, I want my fat friends to get to stay fat for like entertainment. Totally. Like you can be a healthy person and be considered fat in entertainment. And you're not, you're like, be the fattest guy in like the 70s. Right. Little belly. You know what I mean? You can't lose the belly. Yeah. You know? And so I've had a couple friends who have kind of a bit, Robert Kelly, um,

he had some kind of procedure and worked really hard and he was fat as shit when we met. Yeah. Not fat anymore. I mean, still fat compared to fucking regular people. Yeah, yeah. We should do an in-memoriam for all our fat friends on this way. Maybe rest in skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best example is my boy, Ethan Suplee, who he was fat as hell, but he got jacked. So I kind of respect that because you're still a big guy. To jack is always cool. Because he's like, and he's not just like,

Kind of jack that motherfucker is like rod and humongous and strong as show cool. That's cool You got it. Yeah, cuz my I would I am scared to become I mean I

People, people, I get it. Oh, don't worry, stop. I wouldn't be scared. Fine. I beat you to it, motherfuckers. I know. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was fat as hell and now he's like fucking jacked to shit. Oh my God. Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no, he's had one of the coolest careers. He's been in so many sick movies. For real? He's fucking electric.

He's worked in like, he's worked with so many cool directors. He's the fucking man. Cool. So many iconic movies. But yeah, he's so hilariously jacked now. But it's cool because he's still in a 2XL. Yeah. It's just big ass arms. And you still got to almost eat the same amount of food. He eats a shit ton of food. He just doesn't eat like, he just doesn't eat like sugars and shit like that. That was a cool thing. I lived in Chicago for three years. And the coolest thing about living there was that I wasn't fat. Yeah, Chicago rules. I literally was so medium. Yeah.

I know. It was unbelievable. It's fucking awesome. I would walk into places and be like, oh my God, I'm the thinnest person here. Yeah. When you go to a thrift store and they have sizes bigger than yours, you're like, they had fat people here 30 years ago? What the fuck? No, thrift stores, they're start at a large. Yeah.

They just go off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is awesome. It's the kind of place where they use the term pipsqueak a lot. You know what I mean? Like, to be a little man is so embarrassing. No, exactly. In Chicago. Instead of, like, it being bad to be like, I'm big boned. It's like, no, you're brittle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. If it had a little more summer, I would consider moving there. I love that city. It is a cool city, but, I mean...

Two months there are livable. It's insane. So you grew up all natural and shit like that. Where, in LA, is that right? In LA. Yeah. So in LA, were your parents like entertainment people? No, I wish so badly right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they like...

My dad works for my mom. My mom works in real estate. She sells houses. Love that. But I grew up in LA proper, in the Palisades, which is in between Santa Monica and Malibu. Oh, shit. Truly bougie. Yeah, yeah, west side. So it makes sense that...

they were like into organic shit. I also love the dynamic of dad working for mom. I know it's kind of cool. It's kind of cool. And my dad did like cook most of our, of our dinners. And he's also like not a macho guy. So like, I'm like, he's kind of like a bi legend. Literally straight. Your dad, your dad is he, they coded. Yeah.

That's fucking awesome. Yeah, that's my dream. I would love to just like, I've thought about this. I would just love to just meet. We had another episode recently where my friend Jamel, who's a Jamel Johnson, great comedian, who's a big WNBA fan.

And I was just thinking, like, I would love to be, like, cheering for my wife on the court. Like, I would just love to be holding our son and being like, mommy's killing it. You know what I mean? Like, I do a couple shows, but I watch our son. You know what I mean? Like, that sounds fucking awesome. Stay at home is actually, like, that's the move. Why have we been, like, saying that's lazy? That's the smartest thing you could do. It sounds awesome. And by the way.

If you're rich and a stay-at-home parent, you're not doing shit. It's fucking awesome. You know what I mean? It's like, you got fun. It's like, I'm not going to have a cleaning person come in? Of course. Of course. Someone's going to cook some meals. I'm just hanging out with my kid. Yeah.

Probably in this fantasy, I have a fucking... I have a gym in the basement. Definitely. I'm getting fucking jacked. No, 100%. I'm as strong as Ethan. You're saying the same amount of pounds? Yeah. I'm just kidding. I could probably maybe not... That would be the strongest man alive. If I say the same amount of pounds. I'm winning Mr. Olympia. No.

If I'm fucking the same amount of pounds. You're shot putting at that point. Oh, yeah. It's going out of the stadium. I'm hitting small blimps. If your blimp is flying over, it's fucked big time if I'm the same weight but just muscle. But, yeah, I would love. That's great. I'm jealous of your dad. Right? It's cool. Except the idea. I know a mom in L.A. who, by the way, I love. Her only job really all year is making their Christmas cards. Yes.

And you know she's freaking out about it. And she's amazing at it. She's crushing it. They always have the best Christmas cards and I'm like, that's her job. Yeah, yeah. I love that little ceremonial shit. Throw in a couple sick birthday parties. That's it too. Get a fucking Christmas card and then like, you know,

like a couple really important meals, like, you know, have some dinner parties too. Like holidays, a big, you know, holidays and like graduations and like just, you're basically an events coordinator. You know what I mean? Like an events coordinator and like a graphic designer. Yeah. Who gets to just fucking chill. Graphic designer on Microsoft Word. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, those ladies have been going off with Canva. They really have. When Canva came out, those bitches went wild with it. I just taught my mom Canva. Oh,

I bet you she's so stoked. She's like, this is really cool. You can do so much. She just made bookmarks. That's fucking awesome. So you and your brother? Me and my brother, yeah. And he's younger or older? He's three, I think, years older than me. We're pretty close. Nice, hell yeah. Yeah, he works in reality TV. He's like a producer. That's fucking awesome. I know, so I get some little bits of

tea about some shows. That's awesome. What kind of shit has he worked on? He mostly works on MTV's The Challenge. Oh, okay. A classic. A total classic. And he and I watched that growing up. Wow. So that's really fun. But he worked for like a season on Project Runway, Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Project Runway, big favorite of Eldest's over here. Oh, really? I fucking love Project Runway in college. The great news is Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn, amazing people. That's awesome. Oh, yeah, they seem awesome. That's awesome. No, I remember going to visit Eldest in college and just fucking Project Runway was on the living room TV. You're like making clothes for him. Yeah.

It's like Thursday night at 9. Thursday night at 9. No way. We're watching it live? We're pre-gaming. Yeah, oh yeah, live. Getting fucked up, about to get absolutely no pussy whatsoever. 100%. Drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi. Oh my God, Carlo Rossi. I was taking down Carlo Rossi, smoking some- What flavor? Chianti or something?

What was I drinking in college? I liked the Burgundy. Burgundy, that's my favorite. No, no, I liked the one that was like, fuck. They had one with bubbles that was a red one that I think was maybe supposed to be true. Is Burgundy the only red one? I think there might be another one. I'm like, there had to only be four flavors, right? Yeah, yeah. I feel like mine was a lighter red than Burgundy. I don't remember, though. Yeah, there was like another one. I think there was a pink one or something. Not a pink. Yeah.

Interesting. But yeah, for those who don't know Carlo Rossi, the thinking man's mad dog 2020. It was just a giant jug of some of the shittiest wine in the world. But that's what size wine should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sick of 750 milliliters. Give me something that needs a handle. Give me wine that you pick up like a jug. Only like one

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classy still. Yeah, we're out there. We're watching our boy Christian. What was his last name? Christian Siriano. We're watching Christian Siriano. Oh, God, I love him.

He was so good. He's from Baltimore, right? He's famous now. Oh, really? Did you guys have mutual friends? No, no, but we claim him big time. I had friends who ran into him at a bar in Annapolis one time on Christmas when he was back in town. After he was popping. Dude, we gotta get Christian on the show. That would be so fucking... I'd be starstruck. That'd be the only person I'd be starstruck with.

I was like, I loved watching your designs every week in junior year of college. You wear sunglasses the whole episode. You're slowly crying. He's tearing up. Absolutely. Mr. Sirianni, thank you. I think there's a chance he could do it. You know why? Because he is gay. And gay men do love podcasts.

They do. They do. They really do. It's a great anomaly where it's like straight men, we're the ones kind of like we're in the furnace room keeping the whole industry afloat. 100%. But the glamour podcasters, they're all gay as hell. You know what I mean? You're so right about that. Gay and like women gossiping. And by the way, thank you for what you guys are saying. Yeah, of course. Because if it wasn't for the thousands of atrocious podcasts with four reviews from like only their friends.

Exactly. The industry would collapse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bottom of the podcasting pyramid, one of the straightest places possible. Yeah. One of the straight conspiracy theory laden. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, yeah. It's really sick. We may have some friends we grew up with that are helping out on that. But yes, gay men love. Because once it's set up, it's just...

It's one of the perfect places to gossip. I mean, it's gabbing. It's one of the perfect places to gossip. It really is. I love it. And that's why, you know, we love, as I think Eastern European men who act gay. Totally love that. Eastern European guys act gay but are homophobic. And me and Eldis, we've taken out the homophobic part. Love that. We just like to gab. We love gossiping. Gossip is simply the best thing ever. And I hate this.

Of course, there's a clause to this. But I hate that as kids we were told, like, don't gossip. Yes, yes, yes. Because it's kind of like, that's almost therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that is what therapy is at the end of the day. Absolutely. So I think I'm going to teach my kids to actively gossip. To gossip. And the thing is, when you gossip, you're kind of like...

You understand the stakes because it's like, oh man, I know I'm talking shit. Yeah. I'm up like... Now I'm like... I'm eligible to be gossiped about. Right. So I better act correct. Yeah. So I think it really kind of... Whereas like, oh, don't say anything bad about anyone. It's like, okay, we'll just ignore it and then I'll act fucking stupid. No, exactly. No, you got to gossip. You got to know. It's a food chain. You have to like eat and be eaten. And the thing is...

That's just how the world is. And if kids think it's not going to be that way, they're in for a fucking rude awakening. Yeah, I'm telling my kids that at one. As soon as they can, before they know how to say mama. Yeah, yeah. I do love, I mean, it's very fucked up how much baby content is on TikTok. But it is awesome to see a baby who has a fucking attitude. I know. I wish their parents should be tried and sent to jail. Without a doubt. But I do watch the videos where a baby's like,

You know, side-eyeing their mom or a baby's calling their mom fat. Or, like, you know, they're just, like, taking back yelling because they got, like, a, you know, their little pretzel taken away or whatever. Great stuff. I just went down a rabbit hole of this, like, hot couple. And they're, like, two kids. And all of their content is them, like...

the parents doing something silly and the kids laughing at them. And they, I'm sure, are making over six figures. Absolutely, without question. And it is really... I can't wait for a documentary in like 10 years. Oh, well, the kids... I mean, that started happening where the first Facebook mom kids...

have been growing up and because that's the that was the first were moms going viral on facebook they weren't some of them were but they were all posting crazy right right right so it's like and like venting and like complaining about their kids on their facebook walls oh my god and the first generation of those kids is like growing up and be like what the yeah i do i am holding out hope that there will be like a swing back generation of like

kids who like set fire to computers and just live in the woods. Like I really do. I am hoping that's going to happen. But for the time being, you know, I think my theory on why all that baby content is so successful is, is the same reason. Like, it's like,

Society is like... It used to be the aspirational stuff was just like money and like hot girls. And you would like... You would just... All the stuff on the internet was stuff for like... The classics. You were like... You're like a kind of successful guy. Yeah. But you can't afford this. And you can't... You'll never fuck a supermodel, right? But now it's like... That's not even...

You're so far away from that that just like having a family that loves and respects you. Marrying the girl from your hometown. Marrying the like fourth hottest girl from your hometown. That's crazy aspirational now because these guys are getting nothing good is happening. Like your life sucks. You live with your parents. So just having like

Not even an impressive life. No. Just a sweet wife and, like, a child that smiles. Like, because I know that it hits me. My algorithm, I got off that shit because I was going crazy. But my algorithm was all, like, it was, like, you know, basketball highlights, classic. It was, um...

you know, steaks. You know what I mean? It was like meals. You just literally cooked steaks. Yeah, like just like awesome steaks, you know? Okay, love that for you. Like the finest cuts of meat. It was your traditional big-titted women, you know, of course. Love that. But then like the family stuff started popping and all of them were working on me because I wanted all of those things. Like I'm like, because I'm 34. Like I should, my brain is like, you should, this is your baby. You're like making vision boards and it's like huge boobs, a steak. Yeah, yeah.

And two gorgeous kids. Just two kids that are like dropping a kid off at soccer, like teaching a child lessons. It's not even looking at a cute baby. It's like teaching him. Yeah. Like truly. And my friend, like one of my best friends had a kid and I was like, oh, fuck. Like, yeah, I'm invested. Like I want to show this kid stuff. I want to hang out. It's going to be really cool. And it's kind of shocking. I know. I know. It's fucked up how like. Yeah.

It's just going to be completely cyclical and everything you want to have. Like, what we want is just going to keep shifting. Yeah. But yeah, it's like... You think you want to have kids? I don't know if I do. It's so hard to decide. I'm on the fence where it's like, if whoever I end up with is like gung-ho either way, I could see myself being either one of those people. Because I'm a great... That's also a feminist. Yeah, thank you. Oh yeah, exactly. Pass the buck. Make the woman decide. Yeah.

And then resent her when it turns out it wasn't what I wanted. Divorce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Resent her and be like, you fucking bitch. I wanted fucking kids. My family's dying out. You have to spread your seed, bro. Yeah.

It's fucked up. It's fucked up. You fucking stopped. On a real note, though, it would be great to kill the genes of my family. Sure. There is something to being like, these don't need to keep going. Yeah, just end it completely. Let's get a couple adopted motherfuckers. Yeah, that's fair. That would be nice. Because then you could still spread. Then your last name is carried on. Yeah, yeah. So the legacy is still there. The legacy. The Haukis legacy. We're just getting rid of all the bad shit. Yeah, the Haukis legacy. That's cool. Which I believe, I think I've told this story on the podcast before.

So my great-great-great-like eight times great-grandfather. You guys were really close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old as shit. Apparently the story is that that's not really our name, but that... So he's from an island where the name Halkius was like Johnson or Smith or whatever. And that he had a different name, but that he did something heinous.

Either like stealing someone, stealing shit, like fucking someone's wife, which in like the 1800s you couldn't, you know. And he left. And it was back in the day where you leave and you change your name, no one finds you. And the rumor in my family is that

Because someone tried to track our ancestry in Greece, and the rumor is that it stops. They can't go back, and that they think what happened... And the intergenerational gossip is that we have an ancestor that just was a piece of shit that fled... Because we're not from the island...

That that name comes from he grew up in mainland my grandfather grew up in mainland Greece and his father was from mainland Greece So it's like they're from this one. They're from this one village in like mainland Greece We don't have any connection to that island and the other that's what everyone that's what everyone's theory is is that he fled the island originally because I met because I only found out about this I met a bunch of kids in Baltimore that are from the islands called Carpathos and there's a ton of those kids and

And they thought, they're like, oh, what part of LA are you from? Like, I'm not from there. And it was just like, so there's a possibility that these genes are really atrocious. They hear your last name, they're like, our great, great, great grandma told us about you guys. Yeah, no, there's literally a guy with my last name in Baltimore who, like, thinks we're cousins and shit. Oh, really? You don't think you are, though? Not at all. Yeah, I've seen some, like, cool instruments on Facebook, and I'm like, I don't think we're gonna be friends. Yeah, yeah, but it's...

so i don't know i do think and i we also have a lot of like undiagnosed mental illness a lot of hoarders in the family and that's a really tough a lot of hoarders and i don't i sensed it in myself like you see that that room where i'm like i just have the like ah this is well use this someday of course i have that in me but that's resourceful thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for saying that but yeah my comments are like you are

a hoarder no i'm a full whore i mean i'm i'm not because i forced myself to throw shit away but give me 20 years it's hard to do that and no family i think more people than we can comprehend have a hoarder gene yeah probably i know so many people that just like keep the most random shit and put it in a corner yeah it's not till you're like moving that you're like yeah i don't need this slip of

paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I need this address of a guy I met one time. Yeah. Four HDMI cables that don't work. I had like drink tickets from Union Hall and I was like, I surely don't. Also, they're all color coordinated and I'm like, did I think of like scam this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be like, tonight's a green night. Oh my

This really old, this like faded, you know, green ticket. Just to get a $7 tequila soda? I straight up have out there drink tickets from the fucking Creek in the Cave, which hasn't been, which hasn't been open for four years, five years. Those are going on eBay. Yeah. So that's a, that's a German ass sounding name. Do you have any, do you feel, do you have like any kind of German shit? There,

We have, there's like a Kuhn Schmidt farm in Germany. Okay. Really small town, like truly middle of nowhere. And I did go in like sixth grade or something and met like,

I don't even know how they're related to us technically. But like in my like direct lineage, no one was in Germany since like so long ago. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Like they all moved to the US. Right around like 1940. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, can we cover my ass? No, I think they moved here like BC or something. When we met my German cousins, when they're just like, I mean, I'm so pale, but truly just imagine half.

Yeah. Or, like, twice as pale as me. That's hilarious. And we, they don't, they are smart and, like, spoke English and everything. Also, they were all, like, going to Cambridge and shit for mathematics. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's hilarious. But, like, we had nothing to talk about. Yeah. And we took a family photo of, like, my, me and my mom, my dad, my brother, and then, like, the four of them. And in the photo, the four of us are, like, smiling, and the four of them are just, like...

and we were like looking at the photos after we were like what the fuck yeah i guess it's just like not normal i mean it's like why german people smile in photos it's weird interesting german people take photos like rappers they won't they they won't exactly they're crossing their arms that's funny charlie's angels yeah that's pretty cool i guess that i mean we it's mike i mean my cousins i'm so related to them so it's like

They definitely feel like family just in a different language. And they're definitely the same. Like the cultural, the cultural changes does not happen because my parents were born in Greece. I'm the, me and my brothers are the first people born here. So I definitely feel like that connection to them. But we have, we have other parts of the family where it's like,

Yeah, I have, like, a cousin who, a second cousin who, that motherfucker was just, like, he went to, he went to MIT, weirdly, and, like, just never told us he was in America. He was, like, this fucking genius. And he, like, and then his wife, his wife, also MIT, and then they just, like, moved to Singapore. Oh, my God. It is really fucking interesting how quickly your family can, like, diverge. Yeah. Like, this motherfucker was, we'd go to the beach when I was a little kid.

And, you know, the other side of my family is all exactly the same people. They're loudmouths. They're pieces of shit. They're like, you know, just insulting you. The hoarder, like my fat little hoarder aunt who keeps little trinkets from every European city she's visited. Also to be a fat hoarder is like so specifically. That's the elite. That's the top of the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. A skinny hoarder is like, well, come on.

come on. Skinny Horta's like, all right, just get on pills and it'll fix it immediately. Fat Horta, there's some, oh yeah, and she's like, she's so funny. She's like four feet tall, just like round as fuck. Her husband, my uncle is like, has truly the roundest stomach you've ever seen in your life. And like, no joke, like at

Actually, maybe not because it's too round. Like, it's too perfectly spherical. That is so beautiful. There's no give. There's no give. That's so stunning. Like, you hit his stomach, it sounds like a fucking djembe. It's like bung, bung. Like, it's fucking crazy. It sounds like you drop a rock, like, into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. He's had diabetes for 30 years, eats like a fucking pig. Oh, my God.

Doesn't give a fuck at all. Just, I guess, is cool to die. Like, still, you know, he's pretty old, but he's still making it work. By the way, they know the best restaurants in Athens. It's fucking awesome eating with them. How often do you go to Greece? I went... I didn't go last year because shit just got a little crazy, but I try and go every year now. It's cool to go...

it's cool to go i mean it's different because like germany doesn't really mean shit to you but like it's cool to go because we used to go with my family and i was like fuck greece is annoying yeah and then i went by myself and i was like oh no my family's annoying greece is like the sickest place in the world culturally yeah just walking around you're right by the fucking parthenon just seeing all this shit it's fucking awesome um yeah i know whenever i think about going to germany i'm like the only place i could think of going is like berlin but i'm like i don't know if

I don't know if I like ketamine enough to go to Berlin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All my friends are like, you fucking have to go. And I'm like, you're doing ketamine 24 hours a day. Of course, of course. Not a big drug guy. So I'm sure it's, I like drugs, but ketamine is not doing it for me. It's not my top girl for sure. Yeah. How would we rank them? What would you say? Mm.

I'm trying to think what I can say on a podcast. You can say whatever you want on a podcast. I do really like Coke. I think it's really fun. Yeah, respect. Fat Coke user, respect. Absolutely, I know. I'm like, one day it's going to make me so skinny. I, when I turned 30, I made the decision, like, be fat. It's like, after 30, it's either be fat or do Coke. It's not both after 30, in my opinion. Just too many fat men comedians, men.

their demise that way where I was like, and I could feel it too when I would do cocaine. And I would be like, something's wrong. My heart is working too hard. You know when your laptop, the fan starts going really loud? That's exactly what my heart was doing. That's one of the most horrific metaphors I've ever heard.

And it's like, I'm sure I can finish sending this email and exporting this video. But after that, I'm going to give it a, I'm going to give it, I'm going to put it under like the, I'm going to open up my fridge and put my laptop in here. The charger is literally like steaming. You can make an egg on it. That's what it felt like when I did cocaine. And I was like, there's no worse anxiety in my opinion than the day after. It's like the best and worst drug for sure. I really is horrible the next day. Yeah. I mean, it's,

And like the times I did it, it was pretty fun. But I also think, I don't think I'm generally predisposed to like having a good ass time on it. I think I'm a downers guy, unfortunately. Really? I like pills. I like, I used to like cough syrup back in high school. Or I'm sorry, in college. Love that for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, chopped and screwed. What was the purple,

Promethazine. Oh, yeah. But what did people mix it with? Sprite or something? Oh, yeah, yeah. Purple drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were doing that? Did it a couple times. Styrofoam cups? Pretty fun, yeah. Styrofoam cups, Jolly Ranchers. Just wanted to be cool so bad. Like, in a dorm room. Where'd you go to college? I went to UMBC. Okay, gotcha. Which sucks, which is, like, a really embarrassing school to go to. No, it's okay. And it was just me and my friend, also not cool, just, like, drinking cough syrup in his dorm, playing, like,

you know, Final Fantasy or something. Like, I was watching him play, like, some video game or something. And being like, yeah, dude. And then getting too fucked up to, like, go out. Like, the plan was we're just going to do some of this. And then we just got, we did so much cough syrup and just got so high. We didn't go anywhere. His girlfriend, like, came to check on us. Oh, no. And we were like, well, we're good. You can take off without us. You can tell the bitches they can go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm so sorry. I'm not going to make it tonight. Yeah.

They're probably so bummed. Yeah, I got no pussy in college until the end when I had a girlfriend. I was just, yeah, it's some of my biggest regrets. And then it was like, I had this college girlfriend. It was clear it wasn't going to work out. Sure. Because she met me when I was, I did a year of like, I started doing comedy when I was like 19. Okay. And then I had this. Damn, that's early. Cool. Yeah, and I had this like,

like, you know, immigrant guilt. And so I quit and was like, I'm going to be so serious about school for a year. I'm going to give this a shot. If I can do this, I'm good at it. And I like it. I'll just go to college and make my family happy. And she met, we met in that year where I was like so good at school. Like we were in the same scholarship program. And then we started dating. And then instantly, it was like literally just the way it timed out. It was like, I was like, fuck.

fuck, this sucks, dick. I'm not doing college. Like, I'm not trying anymore. And I would just do open mics, get fucked up all the time. She, like, wanted to, like, you know, have, like, a family, like, right out of college and shit. Oh, God. Yeah, she was a great person. Oh, I'm sure. Awesome. And, like, her family was, like...

Like, every, like, both her, like, siblings married their, like, high school sweethearts, and it worked. Like, this weird, when they were, you meet these people, and it's like. It's always weird when you hear families like that. It's great. They all loved each other so, like, they were so nice. Dad was so hardworking, like, sacrificed for that. Like, I was like, it literally confused me when I would go to their Thanksgiving, because I'm really like, oh.

Everyone is just... The biggest family drama was one aunt is kind of rude sometimes. And they would be like, yeah, watch out. She's coming. And it'd be like, she's just kind of a bitch. But also would say, oh, I'm sorry. Did you hear her? Yeah. You didn't hear her say thank you, did you? No. Literally shit like that. It was fucking crazy. But my regret is me and my... And then...

I was finally cool in college, but I was like, no, I'm going to like, I'm just going to keep doing it. Like one girl fucked me, so I'm going to just keep doing, you know, keep doing this. But it was a very embarrassing school too. Once you get fucked for the first time though. Once you get a little bit of pussy pie. There's no going back. There's no going back, brother. You got to. I do remember losing my virginity and being like, yeah, I should have been doing this a years ago.

- As if I could have. - Yeah, right, exactly, exactly. - I wanted to get fucked in high school so bad.

Literally no shot. It wasn't even close. That's so fucking funny. Were you, in high school though, were you, you just wanted to fuck dudes or how did it work? Yeah, I mean, I was really, like, when I say closeted, like, you don't have to get sad about it. Right, right, right. I had no idea. So closeted, you didn't know you were gay. I thought I was the, I thought it was like ironic to be on the softball team. Yeah. I was like. You're like, isn't it funny? Me, one of the straightest girls of all time is playing softball. And I'm like, in the catch all position. Yeah.

I'm like down in a squat, like literally spitting out sunflower seeds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't wait to have a crush on a boy later. Yeah, yeah.

So yeah, I had no idea. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, and then in college, basically, I went to a liberal arts school, so it was pretty fast after that. Everyone's gay. A friend of mine told me that a girl had a crush on me, and I didn't even like her back. I just was like, oh, I'm going to be gay. Just the idea of a girl wanting to fuck you was like, oh. So now it's kind of like, was being gay a choice? Yeah, yeah.

Was it just the easier route for me to... Was the first person who tried to fuck you happened to be a woman, so now you're gay? You know what? I did actually have sex with four guys. Oh, wow. Four. I feel really proud of that. Four is a good number. I know. Because you kept going. Like, one or two, it's like, all right, let's give it a whirl. Exactly. Three, you're right. But the fourth is really what does it. Number four. They were all in, like, four months. Like, I really was on a roll for a bit. Yeah, yeah. One a month. And then...

just a total dry spell for me. - Was this college you fucked these guys? - Yeah, in college. Yeah, freshman year. - Okay, so let's start with high school, the boys you wanted to potentially have a crush on. What did those guys look like? - So here's the thing, it's like, I should've, it's too obvious. They were the hottest guys in my class.

Like, Bo, Chad, and Chris. Yeah. They were fucking, like, on. They were, like, the kids who, like, in eighth grade were on every single sports team. Right. Because they were just that athletic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they all had six packs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just, like, I had no chance ever. That's so funny. That's actually so cute. I know. That you were, like, so, like, you had, like, Disney Channel brain. Yeah. Where it was, like. I was.

I was basically having celebrity crushes. Yeah, but just on the kids that were like, we're the best on the baseball team. That's so fucking funny. And then they'd obviously like date my friends and I'd be like, this is so cool. Just to be in the same room with you guys. That is a standard, I think, like, I think you can tell if a guy is closeted if every woman he's ever dated is just closeted.

10 out of 10 like model hot because it's like if you're straight someone's gonna get it something you're gonna have somebody fucked up looking in the mix you're just like yeah she just does it for me but it's like if that doesn't if there's not some primal urge to fuck a weird looking person yeah i don't trust it like that's why i always say like thank god i'm not i wasn't like conventionally attractive straight girl because i probably would have never gotten out

I would have just dated the hottest guys and I would have gotten addicted to it. Yeah, you would have gotten addicted to being a minor celebrity in your hometown. Exactly. And it would have been like, you would have gotten divorced. Oh my God. It would have been like, you literally would have gotten divorced and you would have had like, but you would have had a pretty sick, like,

when you found out you were gay, it would have been really awesome. I know. I think you're right. But the trade-off is it's like saving up. Right. You know what I mean? It's like instead of getting to fuck women a lot for like 10 years, you would have fucked no one and then you would have had like a cool, a cool like, with like a woman at your gym who like, and it would have been hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I wish I could have been gay in high school so bad. Yeah. Also because I did go to an all-girls high school and I'm just like,

Were the gay girls fucking in those or was it too repressed? Yeah, but like,

This is how I will describe it. Yeah. The gay girls that I knew, they were also, and there's nothing wrong with this, but they were like also addicted to anime. Oh, wow. So I was just like, I don't see myself. You know what I mean? For cultural reasons. Yeah, like I truly was like, I can't be gay because the only gay people I know are addicted to anime or are literally my constantly sweating theology teacher who creeped me out.

So I was like, I'm just fucked, and I couldn't be gay. Gay anime girls. See, I am not... We're familiar with a lot of anime people. Yeah, and none of them are lesbians? I don't think... What comes to mind immediately is just ugly straight kids that would fuck each other. Maybe a bi girl in that classic would fuck anyone kind of bi girl. Yeah, bi girls are always doing that. You know what I mean?

Fucking everyone. Yeah, you know, they're fucking sick in the head. They just say, pick one and stick with it. Yeah, it's like, you're like homophobic only towards black people. It's like, either gay or straight. Yeah, come on. But there was, there was like, I say that because there was like, there was a weird hypersexuality to the anime kids I knew because they were ugly as shit, but they all fucked each other and there was like, and so I don't know that I knew any like,

Like, purely lesbian ones. Sure. At least in high... I'm thinking... I'm basically just thinking of the kids I went to high school with, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have them lined up in your brain right now. This is small sample size. Literally, I'm looking at them right now. And most... Like, I went to... We talked about this also in the Jermell episode. It was like, it's a lot of, like... It's just a lot of... The guys I knew were either, like, the fattest guy of all time or the lankiest...

kids in the world and they all had fucked up hair. Like you wanted him to be on the basketball team but he had 0% muscle. Yes, the coach would like talk to him and he just wouldn't even be able to make eye contact with him. He was so scared of sports and they all had fucked up hair no matter the like race. It's like a white guy with oily fucked up hair. It's like a black guy with the worst like hairline you've ever, never got his shit lined up, weird fro, that braid, like fucked up braids and for whatever reason though, all the

And like, there was like, but all the girls in it were just like, like chubby, hyper-sexualized bi girls that like fucked each other that also fucked all the guys. And like all the anime kids were getting pussy, but they were such losers that it did, it was, no one was impressed by it. What is it about that? Even me who I wasn't getting any pussy was,

even I was like, well, at least I'm not an anime kid. It was like this weird thing where it's like, I know. It's like, you could pretend to like anime and fuck these girls if you want, but then you're an anime kid. Right. You know what I mean? I know, and instead I'm, I was the kid where it's like, I'm trying to like make fun of an anime kid and then I'm looking at myself and I'm going, well, I have no hobbies. Yeah, yeah.

My hobby is like right now having three beers. I'm like 17. Like just got drunk for the first time. Like that's my only thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Playing softball, having three beers. Yeah. I was big into sports for like in high school. What were your sports?

I played football. I played soccer first, then football. I wrestled for a little bit. I tried to play basketball, but I've been 5'7 since eighth grade. I played on the middle school basketball team, and I was like, wow, my growth spurt's coming any day. Like, I tried out for my high school. That's because at that age...

It is. It's supposed to happen. Me and Elders were like similar sized kids in elementary school. And then this motherfucker is 6'6". He's a full foot taller than me. It's fucking atrocious. A waste. Doesn't have any of this natural musculature or talent. You want to talk about the guy the basketball coach begged, but he was too much of a pussy to play sports. Yeah, that's him. He's in the room right now. Damn.

My high school was an art high school. They had a horrible basketball team, but kids would come up to me from the team every day and would beg me to play. When did you turn 6'6"? I mean, I was probably pretty locked in by middle school, I would say. I would say at least freshman, sophomore year. I've probably only grown a couple inches since middle school. You were definitely 6'2 by high school for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's crazy. Yeah. Dude, you have the coolest life ever. Yeah.

Thanks, I think so. I'm inspired. But yeah, so those were kind of my hobbies. I was like, I can't be. And I even quit because I was a theater little kid. But then literally in seventh grade, something switched where I was like, theater's actually gay and I'm fucking cool and do sports. So there was a switch that just flipped. What were you doing in theater?

One year it was You're a Good Man Charlie Brown. I did that too. Come on. I was born to be Charlie Brown at that age. Lead. Yeah, yeah. And then we did some shit in elementary school. We also had a very gay English teacher that like

Really had a good drama program going in all elementary school. Remember, I won't say his name, but we would literally take field trips to see him do theater. It was so funny. It would be like in hindsight now, that's so weird that like your field trip was seeing your teacher in a play. But was he good? I don't remember. I think I remember. I mean, you're like brainwashed by a game teacher at that time. I respected him and I was like, he's awesome at the time.

But, you know, respect to him, though. That's actually a pretty awesome move to be like, all right, I know how we can get at least 30 tickets sold. Yeah, yeah. It's all the kids in the audience. You can't even see them because they're, like, shorter than the seat. 100%. He's basically laundering, like, curriculum money to pay for the tickets to get some, like, people in those seats. Oh, fuck. That rocks. Yeah, I didn't do theater either because I was, like...

It's kind of nerdy. Yeah. And my brother did it and I made so much fun of him. That's hysterical. My whole life. And then it's like, I'm the one who ends up in entertainment. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, he's going to hold this grudge on me forever. Of course. Because I was like calling him gay for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, I'm gay. So yeah, it was pretty fucked up. Yeah, flipped. Flipped on you fast. Yeah, it really did.

It's so funny that your brother is a reality TV producer, and you're like, you know, and I'm the one in the ridiculous job with the ridiculous job. Yeah, you're so right. He's not, you know, it's good for him. Sometimes he does look at his job, and he's like, what am I doing in the world? Who am I helping? But I'm, like, addicted to reality TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This does keep falling, but... That's okay. Do your best. Just...

Sorry that it's... That's okay. Eldest, do you have any pointers for... I think we're good now. It's looking good. It's looking good. And we'll assess if it falls again. Okay, great. Great. So you go from having crushes on little Zac Efron's... Yeah. Oh, my God, literally. So who was in college? I'm guessing you're in a liberal arts school, so they're not, like, traditionally hot guys. Who are the Fantastic Four? Okay, thank you for asking. Yeah.

Okay, the first guy, I gotta be honest, no idea who he was. Also made me lose my virginity. That is sick. Yeah, whenever I tell that, I'm like, oh, it's interesting. Um...

I think the second guy was on the soccer team and that was cool. That is pretty cool. And then after that was... Liberal Arts School soccer team is the football team. You're completely right about that. Yeah, they were like the hottest. Yeah. So, and then after that was like my friends' friends who visited who was really hot. Oh, wow. Nice. And then the fourth one was a townie from the local Navy base. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Yeah, and he and I fucked like six or seven times, and I have no idea what was going on. That's really interesting. I know, and I don't know how old he was. I'm like praying he was not over 25. Sure. And you're what, 19, 18? Yeah, I was probably 19. Okay.

But he could have been 28. Easy. But I mean, that's not the worst thing in the world. Nah, whatever. Yeah. What about this townie made it so that he keeps coming back? You think he was just persistent? Literally, he was down. He was just down. I did not care at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And every time I had sex with a guy, it was almost as if nothing was happening. Like, if I could have been on my phone, that would have been awesome. Yeah.

And then the first time I literally just held hands with a girl, I'm not kidding, like, cummed everywhere. Crazy. My body was like, this is sex. Yeah, yeah.

Not vaginal penetration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hand-holding. Looking into each other's eyes. Yeah, truly. That's fucking hilarious. I know, but he was funny. And I even brought him to a college party one time. And everyone was like, what? My friends were like...

That's such a wild move. Yeah, they were scared. It's one thing to fuck a guy a bunch of times, who cares? But it's like, to bring a Navy townie, especially to a liberal arts school, that's a fucking awesome move. And it was awesome. He had a boot on the whole time. He had like a broken foot. Ha ha ha ha ha!

It was really funny. That is a great, like, one to go out on. Yeah. You know? I know. I'm happy that he was my last. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's special. Thank you for your service. Exactly. Yeah. You were a patriot. I know. I'm basically a Navy wife. Without a doubt. That is, like, that kind of is, like...

one of the worst guys like it's just a perfect thing as to be like yeah I'm just gay and I knew because I tried I fucked maybe the straightest type of guy possible without a doubt like older loser I don't know what we could have possibly talked about that's the best part it's like you fuck a person a couple times when you're drunk whatever but it's like

After a while, you gotta hang out sober at least a little bit. And it's like... That seems, like, worse than the actual, like, you know, DMV... Standing in line in the DMV-style sex that you're describing. It's like the conversation sounds worse. Right. Also, I'm positive I was so bad at that sex. Like, I can't even... I probably was, like, on top and, like...

like moving my shoulders there's no way I was doing anything to him and to be fair he did just like I think he just kind of ghosted me and I was like alright fine so I'll give him that credit I don't think he was like addicted to me you know I wasn't doing much I wonder if he thinks about it still like what was up with that girl let's find him you should do that you should do a reunion I tried to call him like a year ago but I can

I could never figure... His name was Eric, and I never knew how to spell it. Because there's kind of a lot of ways to spell it. C-K-K. Yeah, so... I guess C-H, but that's kind of strange. I know, but I'm like, I kind of think it was C-H. Oh, that's even worse. I know.

I know. You fucked a guy named A-R-Y-C-H. Eric. A time traveler, a Nordic time traveler. Yeah, so that was fun. But then, you know, coming out was like the coolest thing ever. I have to say also like always being fat too. Coming out was the best thing that ever happened to me. Girls like didn't care. I was always so well aware. Like, oh yeah, these dudes want to fuck a skinny girl. And then I came out and I was like,

I am like in the starting lineup. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. Good for you. Thanks. Yeah, I mean, I've definitely, I mean, look, who are you telling? Girls don't care. It's my whole life. Yeah. It's pretty fucking awesome. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, that actually is a big upgrade. Totally. To be like, to go from like how judgmental men are sexually to like women who are just, if you're cool. And I gotta assume that goes even double for lesbians. Like,

must be even cooler with a fat person than straight women because plenty of straight women will definitely be in the like traditional but you can find a healthy percentage that aren't but yeah and there are some lesbians that suck yeah of course of course there has to be that's equality yeah and boy do they suck yeah even worse even worse even worse yeah

Yeah, but it was like, I really feel like I went from like a straight three to like a gay six. Nice. Come on. I felt that way even in Chicago. Come on. Like, now that I'm in New York, I'm like back to a five. But when I go to Chicago, I'm an eight. Oh, Chicago, forget about it. You and Lori Lightfoot getting all the pussy in the world. And you know we're constantly hanging out. How do you know that's my BFF? Just wearing big suits together. She's the dopest. Yeah.

She's my style inspo too. She looks so sick. So yeah, you're coming right off Pride. Now what's Pride like as a lesbian? Because look, we all know gay men, they're sucking and fucking at the Chase Bank glory hole. You know what I mean? Like it's awesome. But I wonder, you guys just having a nice party? Is it like a bake sale? Yeah, I had like a pre-game. Someone you guys doing making muffins for each other? We raise a lot of money for the Girl Scouts. No, I'm kidding.

I had a pregame and it was just like the loveliest, calmest thing ever. But I even just, I signed up for this new gym in my area and it's mostly gay men. And I am like watching their eyes go left and right. It's crazy how different our cultures are. Sure, of course. When they're rooted in the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because it's like, it's like...

There are two kind of extremes in a weird way. They kind of average out to what all straight people are like. Right. But it's just like you kind of have to... It's like...

as chill as lesbians are and as, like, just over the top having a good time as gay dudes are. It's, like, kind of, you know... Like, I don't imagine too many lesbians are, like, you know, doing cocaine and listening to Charlie XCX at 7 a.m. So that's what I'm doing. Oh, that's you. Oh, that's awesome. You're trying to bridge the community. Yeah, of course. So that's why I'm, like...

Sometimes I veer into gay guy territory, I think only with my taste in music. Oh, okay. Because I'm listening to Charlie XM's Kim Petras later. Gotcha. But besides that, yeah, I definitely do feel, sometimes I'm even confused by gay men. Right, right, right. Yeah. And they, honestly, lesbians are so much chiller. Yeah. Like, I went to a gay, I was in LA and I went to a gay gym. Yeah. And I've never felt worse about myself. No.

They were so fucking rude and mean. And they're jacked. And they're so much stronger. So it's like, they're like catty and they're superior to me physically. And not just in like an optics way, but in like the way a straight guy wants to be strong. These guys are so much stronger than me. I remember just like, these gay guys were just like, and they were like, not that jacked, but they were strong and they were on a machine I wanted to use. And they were just on it for like 40 minutes. And I kept kind of like being like,

And they were so dismissive and didn't give a fuck. It was like, I kind of respected it, but it really was like, they were so mean. Yeah. They were just like, I was like, damn, I am, this is not my, but then again, another couple, nice amount of them kind of gave me some looks where it's like, oh, they probably would blow me in the sauna, which kind of, which did, was an ego boost, you know? Absolutely. They needed to give you that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, yeah, you would like never smile again. Yeah, totally. I needed them to balance out their mean friends. 100%. But, you know, they weren't the hottest ones. Oh, come on. They even got me in that mindset. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're like, all right, I can give a blowjob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll suck the hot guy off, but I'm not sucking off the ugly guy. Yeah, of course.

All right, well, look, what do you say we do some, we take some questions here from the audience, Grace? I feel like we've gotten to know you well enough. You know, we see your background. You got a girl boss mom, kind of bisexual dad, even though he's straight. You know, your brother's working in reality TV. You've really lived a life. You fucked that weird townie. I mean, you're bringing some great experiences to these people. I'm so glad that's on my resume. Yeah.

Those are the four. This girl fucked a townie. She's going to give amazing advice. And see, you've bounced back from it. Thank you. We've all fucked some atrocious people in our time. I know Eldest has. We were roommates. You've only fucked gorgeous people. Oh, no, no. I've got some tough ones on the resume. I have.

Absolutely. No, no, no. Absolutely. I've got some tough ones. But the three of us, I think we have that in common. We've really bounced back from some horrendous hookups. I knew we were brothers. Yeah, we were. Absolutely. So why don't we play some voicemails here, Elders? Stavi. What up, brother? Stavi. What up, brother? Yo, I just got a little predicament I'm in. I work in the bar industry.

And I met this, you know, this lovely Australian broad. Nice. And the thing I didn't know is she comes from a family of money, bro. Nice. So listen, I'm not in love with this chick. She wants me to move to Australia, all this and that. She has a kid. She has a kid? But she'll be like buying me these expensive gifts and shit. And she still lives on Australia. Yeah.

So I guess the question I'm asking is, bro, should I just pack up and move to Australia, bro, and start my new life, dude? I'm 21, you know? I just moved out here to New York and getting the feet under me, and I met this woman, bro. And you know, she's attractive. She's an attractive lady. I just got out of a relationship. It was pretty bad, pretty toxic, but you know, I don't know, bro. Let me know what you think, bro, what I should do, if I should...

try to convince her to move out of here, if I should think about moving to Australia. Um...

Shards is keep pushing, bro. Find another woman, bro. I don't know. I don't know. Thank you, guys. This is awesome. That is so good. This poor kid thinks he's going to move to Australia. Oh, man. What are you, out of your fucking mind? First of all, you figured something out about yourself, though, right? You just got out of this pretty toxic relationship. You apparently, now you sound dumb as shit, right? You're not a smart guy, no chance. But it sounds like you're a piece of ass.

Sounds like you're hot. If you're in New York... I'm just getting that sense, too. New York bartender who some hot, rich Australian lady wants you to be her kept man, you have a self-esteem problem, my friend. You're holding... You have the keys to a great life. A hot guy... One of the... There's...

Hot guy that lives off like women is I would say the top of the pyramid in terms of pieces of shit. Right. You are a piece of shit. Don't get me wrong. You'd live a piece of shit life. You're a leech on someone else. But this is the best leech to be. I know guys who just like fuck. It's it's like it's getting to be a gold digger without the stigma, without the misogynistic stigma. Right. So I say enjoy. You have that ability. You're young. You're clearly hot. Right.

If she's willing to do this and I would say first of all what you're gonna move to fucking off surely and be a stepdad Are you out of your how old is your kid? That's the that's the part where I'm like Absolutely. No, that's the tough. That's the toughest one You're like, what do you you like she you can bitch would move to New York what with her fucking kid you want she wanted this woman to move her child to a different country so that she can buy you a couple fucking watch said in the voice like no lie, I could be an amazing dad and

So, no, you do not move to Australia now. She wants to fly you out for a little vacation. She wants to she wants to keep cash apping you. She wants to keep doing you all that stuff. That's all good and well. But you have to understand you are you are basically like you're a sugar baby. Yeah. You know, and that's fine. You know, sex work is work.

but you got you got a you are a sex worker here and you have the ability to be kind of a part time gigolo it sounds like yeah it does if you just backed your way into this

Imagine if you start trying and you start believing in yourself. And by the way, I'm not saying take advantage of anyone. Everyone knows what the fuck the score is on arrangements like this. No one thinks... This lady doesn't think a 21-year-old is her fucking soulmate. I mean, unless she's dumb as shit, which she very likely could be. But I would say don't move to Australia. Now, if this was like Philly, if this was even LA or something, if this was continental United States, I'd say...

I mean, it doesn't sound like you got too much going on. You moved to New York for what did you move to New York for? That's one question. Do you have dreams? What are you doing? And I don't think it's wrong to kind of fuck your way to a couple to some financial security here.

You have the ability to. Why not give it a whirl, but do not move to fucking Australia. That's insane. I know. The crazy part, though, is that you just said Philly, and I'm like, I would say move to Australia over Philly. Just because rich in Australia could be unbelievable. Like, I'm imagining, I watched Troye Sivan's Architectural Digest. Okay. And he has a sick house, dude. Yeah.

I would live there. Yeah, but here's the thing. This guy could get sex trafficked in Australia. He doesn't know anyone. This lady, this might be her thing. She might have a little bunch of 21-year-old hunks in her fucking basement somewhere. No papers. Takes your fucking passport. No way to get home.

I'm saying it's too risky to go to Australia. Yeah. Also, this is how I've always felt is because I feel like I've heard this question before of like, do I just go with a rich person? Yeah. There are so many rich people. There really are. And most of them are actually hot. Yeah. So I don't think you should be like, she's attractive and she's rich. There's a lot of those people. Yeah, there really are. So I just say keep working. Keep working. You just got to the city. Yeah. You're going to fucking give up now, dude.

And also milk this lady for all she's worth. Get a couple more gifts out of it. Tell her it's hard to make rent. Send her a jacket you really want. Be like, I really want it. And see what happens. Don't be afraid. And let her know you just got out of this toxic relationship. She can only really feel for you. Yeah, that's true. Use that to your advantage. I'm just worried about this kid because he really could be manipulated. This lady sounds kind of nice.

Yeah, she does. You know what I mean? But if the wrong rich lady comes up against him, he's fucking cooked. I know. You're like, you're way too easily split. Two minutes, yeah. I wonder what she's buying him. I know. I wonder what an expensive gift is. She took him to Chili's. This guy came from fucking Dayton. He's like, oh my God. He had Shake Shack for the first time. He's like, this is $4 more than McDonald's?

Yeah, dude, this is a good sign for you. It sounds like you need to believe in yourself a little more. I would work on self-esteem first and foremost. You might be fucked up about this, you know, toxic relationship. You sound like the kind of guy who's like a sweet, dumb idiot who, like, women can take advantage of. Yeah. And you're kind of, you know... I would say just take a little... Don't take advantage of anyone, but, like, believe in yourself, be a little assertive, and, you know...

for that sweet dick you got in those jeans. He sounds so cute. He does sound like a cute guy. I feel like he has the best face ever. Yeah, he must be hot for this to be going on. He looks like he probably has like a Gap model face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baby face but has a six pack. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Just a baby face with just like... Be careful. That is a lot of power. Yeah, that's a lot of power. You don't know how to wield... You don't know how to wield those dimples and those...

six inches soft that you got in those dungarees. But good luck with you, buddy. Good luck. Then just take... Just believe in yourself a little more. Don't sell that dick to the first Australian that comes a-knocking. That's what I say. Here's another one, Eldis. Hey, Stavi. My name is Franco. I've called in before about, you know, not being able to get pussy. But I wanted to call because...

I'm in therapy and I don't think my therapist wants to be a therapist anymore like so mention like offhandedly like I I used to think I wanted to be a therapist but I don't want to anymore like when we're talking about my shit and like he's just really checked out he doesn't want to like like engage that much he gives me like very basic like

skin level advice like nothing crazy so what should I do just like should I drop him like I feel bad because he's like a cool dude but I don't think he likes it thanks man have a good one you feel bad for your therapist oh man this you are not getting what you need out of therapy brother he's a good dude you cannot be

And this this is actually an important call because we're big therapy guys here on Stavi's world and For a lot of things I think people need to go to therapy But you got to remember therapy is like anything else where it's like some therapists are fucking bad at their job 100% it's a lot of finding the right one like I it took me a while to find a therapist that in Baltimore specifically it took me a while to find somebody that I really liked and

And then in New York, I found a therapist. Like, I had to just kind of work on a... I had no money when I first moved here, and I was the most depressed I've ever been. So I had to use... I had to work with whoever works on a sliding scale. And maybe that person wasn't exactly the perfect therapist, but...

They were still really good at their job. They weren't checked out. And over time, you just kind of get a rapport with them and they just kind of know you and it just makes sense. So it's just like anything else, man. You got to search for one that really works. And a therapist is like, oh, man, you're telling him about your fucking parents. And he's like, yeah, man, that feels like this job to me. Oh, my God. Where it's like you think you want something and then you just...

You don't get it. It's like totally different. That is so fucked up of your therapist, by the way. And he's like, I love how he's like, I think. Meanwhile, he's like, hey, I think my therapist is kind of checked out because he said during sessions, I'm really checked out.

I don't want to anymore. I used to think I wanted to be a therapist, but I don't want to anymore. Oh, really, dude? You're really good at picking up subtle ass hints. I'm just literally saying that. The therapist is like asking you, like, how does it feel to like be in your shoes? Because I kind of feel like I could use a therapist. Like, stop. He's like, why don't we try? This is a very useful exercise where I tell you my problems and you give me your opinion. Yeah, exactly.

I think I was like, uh, okay. Also, like, finding a therapist always feels so daunting. Yeah. And I've only had two therapists in my life. But, like, the moment you actually just commit to it, it's always hard when you're, like, all you're doing is Googling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you just have to actually fucking email. And you have to email, you have to go in. And that's basically it.

And look, you might have to go in and be like, fuck, this wasn't... Do a couple sessions and it's like, yeah, that might be a waste of time. Yeah. But when you find somebody that really works for you, I think it's really worth it. Yeah. Go buy vibes on all these, like, ZocDoc.com, which is, like, think where I found my latest therapist. It's like, they have photos and it literally feels like a dating app. Yeah, it's weird. It's so weird. But you just gotta go with vibes. Like...

pick a nice nerdy looking person yeah yeah exactly absolutely i've i've had some i've had a therapist that was probably too nice to me uh she just she was like she felt like more like a big sister's like a big sister's friend or something like that where i would just talk to her about girl problems and she would literally just tell me what to do but i was only it was right before i moved to new york it was kind of like a temporary thing anyway

Shout out to her. She was on Australia with Big Titties, actually. Really? Yeah, I did want to fuck that therapist. I recognized at the time a problem. Yeah, I know. What happens when you're in that? You've got to get out, right? Yeah, well, I knew I was leaving anyway. But, you know, shout out to her. Thank God you got out. You would not be here today. No, no, I'd be married to her. I think she was engaged, but I would have figured it out.

It is hard, though, because it's also tough, like, the kind of person who's your therapist. Like, I think it's good that I... Because I would have probably wanted a... I'd had all women therapists until I moved to New York, and this is, like, an older dude. I think I probably would have wanted women therapists, but, like, I think it actually ended up being good that he was a guy, because there's just something... I would just try and fuck my therapist, I think. Or I would try and impress her. I would just, like... Especially if she was hot. Like, I just can't... I can't help that. Whenever you're in, like, a...

like a weird, intimate, but not appropriate relationship. It's like, part of you is just like, could I get this person to want to fuck me? Well, you're going, wait a second. We just got so deep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The person's literally being paid. You're like, I can't believe she just gave me that look.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like so much more... It's like thinking a waitress at Hooters wants to fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The person who's trying to upcharge you so clearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, what do you like on the menu? They're like, the steak. You're like, okay. Yeah, I like... Oh, that's funny. I like steak, too. Yeah.

Whoa, she put a heart on the receipt. Should I go in and try and ask for her number? Definitely. Should I try and fuck this 20-year-old with huge tits at this Hooters in Indiana? She's giving me serious vibes. While she's rubbing some fat business guy's arm. Giving him a little shoulder rub. Yeah, she's fucking the line cook. 100%. 100%.

And so, yeah, dude, you got to get out. You just got to look for a different therapist. I'm sorry. He said, Franco, I'm sorry, man. You're not getting nice. You need a break. You needed a W and this was not it. Yeah. Sounds like you're still not getting pussy, which is a problem. I hope we've I hope we've answered that question at some point. But just to give you some generic advice, believe in yourself. And honestly, it's kind of a similar thing with finding a therapist and finding someone to date.

You might go on a lot of duds. Yeah. There might be a couple duds. I mean, therapy should be quicker than, you know, finding a girlfriend. Right. But you still, it still might take a while. Yeah. And therapy, the way I feel about it too, sometimes like I mostly do just need someone to listen. You know? So like my, the vibe that my therapists have had are,

The girl in your class who you get paired to do a group project with, she's so much smarter than you. And she decides, I'll just do the whole thing. And you go, are you sure? I want to help. I want to help. And she's like, no, it's okay. I got it. She's like so nice. Yeah, that's very funny. Yeah. Ellis, you got you back in therapy, man? I'm on hiatus right now because my therapist, like,

Oh, right. I worked with her the first half of this year. She just finished, like, grad school officially. So we had to take a break until she's, like, fully licensed. Totally. And she's going to another place. I'm waiting for an email or something to figure out what the deal is. Damn, you're about to get ghosted by your therapist. But I'm also about to be out of town for, like, the first half of July, which is, like, the month we said we'd pick it up. So we'll see. Fuck it, dude. August. I actually, this reminds me, I should hit my therapist up. I actually kind of ghosted him because I was gone for, like, two months. It happens when you're traveling.

What are you going to do? But my mental health's been really good. You might not need it anymore. I think I'm actually fine. Sometimes you can just graduate. You've had a lot of time to sit down and reflect lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't picked up some concerning habits, that's for sure, that I'll talk to you guys about off-air. There's only vodka in your mini water bottles. I am smoking weed every day again, which may...

Nah, I'm cured, I think. Yeah, I think so. All right, here's with another one, Big LD. Dumbass. How many do you get? We get a lot. We got to do like a marathon one of these days and just clear some of these out. Ooh, that's cool. Hey, Bestie and Bestie's guest of the day. What's up? I am needing some advice when it comes to my sex life. For context, I'm a 20-something-year-old woman.

woman living in the Midwest. I've been with, you know, 20 plus different dudes. I've had a few. Throwing the body count up there. Respect. And there's only been one guy that I've been with that has actually gotten me to a nut. Like, just a regular ass orgasm. There's only been one guy that's been able to do that without, like, a vibrator or

You know, any of the special stuff. Literally just fingers. That's all he was using. So my question is, I kind of struggle with telling men kind of how I like it, especially because now I'm, like, single and just seeing people casually. So I kind of struggle with, like, telling a man who's not my boyfriend, like,

"Hey, this is how I did it." "Oh, your dick name is weak." Like, I just... - Well, you shouldn't say that one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I just forgot, like, you know, my sex life is obviously getting fucked up because of that. So, I guess my question is just, like, coming from a man, like, how would you want a woman to approach you about, like, "Hey, I'm not really enjoying this," or, "Hey, can you do this differently?"

I don't want to be offensive, but I also, you know, some of these dudes, like, simply do not know the female anatomy. So, anyways, love you. Have a great day. Bye. Tough. 20, to go one for 20. I know. It's brutal. Statistically brutal. You went four for four, right? Yeah, of course. Oh, my God. In the four times I had sex with men, I came 20 times.

No, what's so sad is that is what I hear from my straight friends, though. It's like 1 in 10, 1 in 20. It's so, like, I hate this for them, but it is a fun, like, the bar is so hysterically low for me. I know, it's crazy. Because it's like, it isn't, like, I feel bad because it's like, you know. Well, first of all, let's just address your question. I think, I don't, I actually think telling somebody exactly what you like is,

Most people would be pleased to hear that. Definitely. Because I think, okay, now look, I can't. I'm going to have to put myself in the mind of a subpar lover. It's going to be very difficult for me to do. Dude, how are you going to do that? It's going to be really hard. My fucking head hurts. Just imagine someone else. I'm trying to imagine being bad at eating pussy and I can't do it. That's where my acting stops. I'm not meant for Hollywood. Hmm.

Yeah. It's like how Austin, that guy who played Elvis, he talked in a different voice for like a year. If I tried to imagine someone being bad eating pussy, I would just like, I would be like a mental hospital for a year trying to get over it. Or how like Heath, everyone thinks Heath Ledger killed himself because he was the judge. That's what's going to happen to me. After I imagine being bad eating pussy, I'm going to kill myself in a bathtub. The twisted diaries of Stavros as he's preparing for the role of a bad pussy eater. I could argue

I already see the Wikipedia page that talks about your death. And it's just like thousands of pages long about how... The harrowing experience of imagining not making women bust. Yeah, I would say, like personally, I don't... Like I would like for somebody to tell me...

I think most guys would actually be relieved because here's the thing. A lot of these guys are just selfish, clearly. Yeah. And they don't, they're not going to like try and figure it out. But if you tell them, it takes a real piece of shit to completely ignore you. Yeah. So I think you could probably get those numbers up a nice amount. But by just being kind of like forthright and being like, hey, just do this. And also here's the other thing.

Try you got to get your nut off first because they're still they still kind of feel like, you know, they got they're still trying to bust. You know what I mean? They still they haven't secured a bust yet. So I would say try and get you go first with some instructions. And, you know, don't be afraid to like if someone's doing a bad job, be like, all right, you know what?

You just got to jerk. You know what I mean? You don't have to go the whole way. I mean, you're already there. I guess you might as well fucking get it over with on some level. But this also could be a who are these guys kind of question, right? Are you just finding dumb dickheads? Could you get a higher quality of person? I don't know. That's kind of tough. Yeah. It's hard. I think that like...

As a girl who has seen quite a few vaginas, I'm like, they are all very different. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You know, so I'm never, as also a scientist, I'm never shocked by these statistics. I'm going like, that checks out. Also because like when I think about straight sex, which I do all the time, I'm always thinking about it, thinking how can I make it better? Yeah, yeah.

But I'm like, yeah, I mean, I'm like, just imagining, like, if I were a dude, I would just keep pumping and, you know what I mean? I'm like, ah,

I don't know. Well, that's part of the problem is that that is exactly right. That's the baseline. Like haven't learned any new skills. It's like, yeah, you put your dick in and you just pump away and you bust. Cause that will make them bust. They figured that out. Yeah. Um, I will say in my personal experience, when someone has given me direction, I love it. Cause it just makes the job easier. It's like, yeah, everyone's busting. Everyone's having a good time. Um,

Yeah, if any of the guys are not into direction, it's like... That's a big... It's one thing to be bad at fucking. It's another thing to refuse coaching. To be like, no, I do what I do. Some of us are confident at being bad at this. Eldest, what about you? How do you handle being ordered around or told? I don't know. I mean, for her perspective, I kind of see like...

You know, I can see how it would be weird with like a more casual hookup or something. Cause you don't know, you got to think about like what you even want out of the hookup. Like for sure. You know, the boss at a minimum, I would say what, you know what I mean? Yeah. But I don't know. You got to think like how to get there and how to like give those directions as easy as possible in a way. Like you'd give a bank teller a direction or request or something. Sure.

So I don't know. I mean, yeah, thank you. I think, I think a good place to start really is just like asking to keep getting fingered until you come. Then just do the normal thing. What is she? Um, I guess my question is, have you asked to be fingered?

Sometimes dick isn't as good as two fingers. Sexula coming through. The master of the female anatomy. Look, it sounds like it's probably not going to happen with a dick. So think about how you... It sounds like she wants to get her pussy eaten. That's really what it comes down to. Well, you just got to ask for that. And if someone says, like, no one, they're hooking up, it's like, okay, well... Also, because it sounds like...

I feel like I know most of my like single girlfriends are just like, if they're doing casual hookups, they're not looking to orgasm. But it does sound like this girl is like, I want to be 20 for 20. Respect. Yeah. Good for her. I'm like 100% because dudes are doing that. I don't get. So, okay. That's the other thing I don't understand is like just being like, oh yeah, casual hookup and not busting. I don't understand the psychology of that from a woman's perspective. I guess like, I guess it just feels good to fuck or you're doing it for like the experience or like.

Maybe it's like... It's kind of a sim... Because guys definitely have that trophy thing where it's like you just want to bag a hot girl and like tell your friends, like show your friends her Instagram and be like, dude, huh? Like I wonder if girls have a little bit of that. What's better than nutting showing your friends her Instagram? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like so gay of you. It really is. No, no, it's gay as hell. But it's like the gayest thing of all time. But...

But it's like, I want, but is that part of it? Like, I don't, that's the thing. It's like, I'm trying to get an, okay, I guess I'm trying to get a nut off and I'm also trying to just feel like somebody likes me on some level. It's like, it's not even the nut so much as like,

The knowledge of somebody wanting to have sex with me is almost better than actually fucking them. Couldn't agree more. It's like, oh, this is sick. Somebody wants to fuck me. Maybe that's what the... Because you're saying your straight girlfriends, they're not trying to bust on hookups? Well, because they just know it's hard. It's more like... Statistically, it's not happening all the time. Oh, I see. They're just realists. So they're like, whatever, I'll just make out. And like...

you know, being like, I can make a dude nut. That's fun too. Yeah, true. I guess that's true. But also, I know so many straight girls who use a vibrator with their boyfriends every single time they have sex. So I'm like, don't be afraid to just like, sure, keep it in your pocket. Yeah, get the trout, have it in like a fanny pack. You're carrying a purse. Come on. Have like a, have like a satchel with a bunch of, it's gigantic. Like bullets? Like military bullets? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cross body. Like the little dildos, like the rabbit or whatever the fuck. Yes, exactly. And the rose one. Yeah, yeah, just have a couple of those. So yeah, I'm sorry. It sounds like this is going to be an issue. Most people, I have also, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but it is like the fun, it is a great thing to get. Like that helped my ego when someone's been like,

The last X amount of guys haven't made me bust or something like that. It feels cool. So that's what I'm saying. Guys, start eating. Like, Stobbies World is a big pussy eating podcast. Let's put that there. And fellas, don't get your feelings hurt if somebody gives you instructions. Definitely. Listeners, this podcast should be trying to make women bust. That's what I'm saying.

We're just going to put it that way. So we've done a lot of talking to our friend here who called in, but let's talk to the much larger percentage of men listening to this show and say, it's your job to make women bust and try your darndest to make it happen. Yeah, it also is a compliment if a girl is telling you how they want it because it's like they actually want to keep having sex with you for more minutes. Oh, true. As opposed to just being like, this can end.

right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I bet a lot of these guys she's been like, it's not even worth it. For sure. Yeah.

And a lot of them are like, I don't care. That's the other thing. It's like a lot of these motherfuckers are kind of dickheads who are just like, I'm trying to get a nut off and who cares? Definitely. So, you know. I feel like on the casual hookup, like so many girls are different. I feel like so many girls like just don't come from like normal sex or whatever. And even if you're fingering or, you know, eating pussy or the bread and butter, like you just don't know like how long it'll take sometimes. Sure, sure. It's unpredictable. It is hysterical how sometimes a woman will bust so fast and then somebody else is like,

You could watch it 90 minutes and you have to, you cannot get off the metronome of finger popping and pussy licking for one second or it's over. It's crazy. Yeah. It's gotta be, it's gotta be a curse to have that. As someone who can literally have an orgasm in 30 seconds, I'm like, gosh, I really, I feel for all the ladies out there. There's some tough busts out there. There's some tough ones. Some of us are on a mission. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, I've, I've had a sore shoulder socket.

For a while Trying to get a couple girls to bust You're constantly wearing a sling Yeah Sorry Sorry I hooked up with a girl Who needed to be fingered For 45 minutes last night And also I'm too fat If I'm doing like this It really kind of You know I need to get a little I need to work on my shoulder strength For fingering alone The sore shoulder is tough I have a And I have a shoulder injury From football It's tough I play through the pain though For sure I play through the pain So good luck pal We hope you bust more Yeah please Please

And yeah, bring the vibrator out. Who cares? Yo, what up guys? I tried to call earlier and I think I disconnected. So I'm doing it again real quick.

Stabby baby. Could I say real quick as someone who screens these, if you call back, you don't need to say it in the beginning. You can just start over. Start fresh on the new call because that's the one we're going to play. That is so funny. Sometimes I've had good questions that like the person was a dumbass. So the first one they asked it in 40 seconds and then they followed up with a lot of info. It's like, this is good, but I'm

I'm not playing two of these to get all the info. You hear that, folks? Eldest is the gatekeeper. You have to please him. I'm not looking at any of these fucking voicemails until this exact moment. So your first audience is Eldest. Remember that, folks. Hey, LD, love the pod. Whoever the guests are, hello to you guys as well. Here's what I need advice on.

in November 2020 you know lockdown all that stuff's happening um me and my my roommate we we were like heard there was a party going on we're like let's go to one party nice we go to this party a couple weeks later my roommate loses his taste and smells not feeling good a week later he gets his taste and smell back right when that happens

Oh no. Oh no.

You know, love good food. My mom and my grandparents are immigrants from Croatia. My dad's just a white guy. But I love the same food. You know, I grew up on the same shit from the Balkans that, you know, you guys grew up on eating all that stuff. Great cooks. You know, now my relationship with food, you know, taking my girl out to eat, like...

I don't need to spend money to eat good food. I mean, she does. Like, we still go, you know, but as far as just a general relationship with the shit I grew up on and anything good, anything tasty, good weed, you know, a fine cigarette, we've had a few drinks. Like, I get nothing out of that shit. Oh, my God. I mean, it's not all bad, I suppose. Like, I didn't really eat ass before. No way. Wow.

Okay, alright, we get it pal. What do we think? Alright, pause the shoulders. Oh my god!

Buddy, what the fuck? What are we, doctors? Yeah. The fuck do you want me to say? I don't fucking know. You have long COVID. Yeah, I think I'd put my scalpel in your... Like, what? That was really sad at first. And then he got into eating ass. And I was like, you might have a new profession. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, definitely use it to your advantage. Do more... What's more, like, stinky shit he could be up to? You know? I mean, you could get so, like...

healthy with this lifestyle. If food doesn't taste good anyway. Right? I don't know. This is horrible. Yeah. This is, I mean, that's, it's almost like a torture method. No, I would, this would drive me insane. Insane. Did you guys lose taste or smell from COVID at any point? I actually didn't. I lost my taste for like

36 hours and it really was freaky like drinking coffee with like no taste wow i even just like put fucking full ketchup in my mouth and nothing nothing damn it was really crazy damn yeah i had it i had it for like a week too and it was like it was like gone for a pretty good amount of time it was it is a lot weirder than you can even imagine like you just straight up don't smell or taste anything

But I did have Chinese food without any taste. And I still like that a good amount. You're still eating white shit? No, I have a tail end when I could just tell I was getting better. But my taste wasn't fully back. But I got General Tso's and it still just made me feel great. You know what, I gotta say, I could imagine General Tso's still being good, just texture-wise. Textures are big, yeah. Crunchy, gooey. Yeah, that really, you have to...

to figure out I think in this you have to just like find new foods that are so texture focused that they'd be still fun like I think that you would maybe need to have chips be an everyday thing chips sure just to like cure a crunch to like help I don't know I would go the opposite way and just be like fuck it

I mean, he doesn't sound fat, though. I would take this as an opportunity to lose a little weight, to, like, eat healthier, because who cares? Right. Texture is important, and eventually that would... I think that would drive you crazy, but, like, they make vegan shit that, like, kind of has the right texture. You could probably figure out...

Figure the texture out with like, you know meats and shit. Yeah, but yeah, dude I don't I mean look we feel for you, but we're fucking we don't know shit about this We're really dumb go to your doctor It's been a year and a half and you haven't gone to the doctor yet. You just don't taste shit also wait Okay, it's been a year and a half. God. It's really scary I'm like praying this doesn't happen like last forever wait more than a year and a half, right? That's crazy. Yeah fits from 2020. It's at least two years two years. Oh

That's insane. And also, kudos to you for even admitting that you went out in 2020. You could have just said, like, I got COVID a year ago. I'm trying to remember November 2020. I feel like that summer, at least in New York, people were out. Were you here? Were you here in New York? Oh, yeah. I moved to New York July of 2020. So people were out. That summer was fucking awesome. I've talked about it before. That was the best summer.

like time of dating for me ever because it was like you couldn't go anywhere right and if anybody was leaving their house they were going to fuck right so it was like i would just you know i would just like invite girls over we'd have i'd grill a nice dinner we'd watch a movie we'd fuck it was

It was kind of perfect. I guess if we're breathing the same air, we should just fuck. Everyone was just like, well, I came out. I'm not, you know what I mean? No one was not going to fuck. Like one girl didn't fuck the first time. And then she came back like literally two days later and we fucked. It was like, but everybody else was like, yeah, I mean, I left my house. Yeah. And look, I set up a nice, we had that grill on the balcony, a little wine. It was, I can cook too. So it was like a nice place.

You know, it was a good setup. I wasn't blowing it, but I love that was truly my favorite. I know there were some fun. I feel like summer of 2021, like the day I got vaccinated, I was like, I was having, I was smiling ear to ear drunk as fuck for three weeks straight. It was so fun. Yeah, no, it was, that was a great time to be single was like that. Both, both COVID summers in New York were great. It was a great time.

Well, I'm sorry, dude. Go to the doctor. I don't know what the fuck you want me to say. What the fuck? You might need to start like taking drugs or something. Yeah, some, some. That would be brutal if that just never... It's got to come back at some point. I think so. I've had friends who were smelling...

Like, actually, Jordan Jensen, Eldest, she was smelling like rotten meat. I've heard that. Not only did she, yeah. And she would have to smell, there was only like three smells that cut through it. It was like lavender and like beeswax, weirdly, or something like that. It was so strange. She was just holding like lavender up to her fucking nose for like three months. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just smelled like fucked up, like rotten meat. Sucks. So it could be worse, I guess, but, you know, go to the doctor and hopefully they'll fix you. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Stavi. So I graduated from college 10 years ago. I was accepted into grad school to become a therapist. I decided to turn that down to pursue acting and writing. Flash forward to today and I've had very minimal success, if I'm being honest. Thank you for being honest. I did some short films, some theater shows. I tried breaking into the New York City comedy scene and that was a disaster.

You know, UCB didn't want me. I was a very bad open mic comedian. So now I'm thinking of switching things up, maybe go to grad school, maybe get my cybersecurity certificate or something. I could even move to Southern Italy because I have an apartment, citizenship, and a bunch of family there. That's a part of me still wants to keep pursuing the entertainment field. Maybe move to L.A. I've lived in Queens my whole life.

So maybe a change of scenery could be nice. That said, being a 32-year-old failed actor in L.A., that might be a little cringe. No. They really respect that kind of guy. Let me know what you think. Love the show. Hey, pal. Look, you kind of laid out your CV for us. We didn't even have to dive in.

It's not like you didn't try. Yeah. You gave it a shot. It didn't work out. First of all, there's no shame in trying and it not working out. There just isn't. Like, there's more... There's a shame in not trying and forever wondering. But the thing is, you gave it a pretty long try, too. It's been, what, 10 years? Yeah. Come on. You know what I mean? Like, you know the answer. I hate to be this guy to really stamp at home, but...

I would... I wouldn't... Now, look, am I saying go to grad school? No, not necessarily. But...

Continuing to put all your efforts in entertainment I think is probably a mistake. First of all, I'm successful in entertainment and I'm depressed. You know what I mean? Like my shit's going, I'm probably, I'm doing better than you will ever even if shit goes good. And I'm not having that good a time right now. You know what I mean? Like there's like pros and cons to all of it. And you know, you gave it a shot. You tried and...

And I mean, look, if you want to move to LA because it is kind of a nice, fun city, you know, it's a cool, it actually, it's, I think a lot of people try LA after failing in New York. Cause it's like, let's say I fail in LA. I'm still in LA and I'm in some fucking. You have a backyard. Oh yeah. I have a backyard. It's fucking nice out. Um, you know, all the, all this kind of shit, you know, maybe Grace's mom will sell you a home after you get your cybersecurity certificate. Um,

I'm not... Now, if, you know, pursuing stuff artistically is, like, fulfilling to you, by all means, you can continue to do that a little bit as a hobby and just kind of slowly figure it out. But I do think... I think it's on the... You're basically...

You've pretty much come to terms with reality, but you are holding out a little too much hope for my taste. You know? And it's like, you gotta make a decision either way. If you really do feel like you wanna give it one more shot, that's fine. Move to LA, give it a shot. But...

You know, I also think you want to have like a... Like, what do you want your life to look like when you're 40 at some point? You know, you're not old, but you're not young either. Yeah. It's so hard to just have... Also, it's like you've been trying for 10 years and it's like...

If you're give it one more year of a shot, that's hard. Cause if you're going to blow up out of nowhere, most of the people who are doing that are like 21. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're Charlie D'Amelio. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's like, it's like, I just got successful at this level at,

30... What am I, 34? Or 35? How old am I? 34. Yeah, damn. Fuck. I just got successful at 34 at this level, but it was a series of, like, smaller successes that, like, you know, it is kind of, like...

The algorithm really blew my shit up and my special blew my shit up, but it was like, you know, I did pretty well in comedy for a while. I was opening for Bobby Kelly and Tom Papa. I moved here. I got past these clubs. Comptown blew up. You know, started touring more. It's like been all one thing after another. And even though it might look like

Like, to someone out... To, like, an out... Yeah, like, a blow-up overnight thing. Yeah. It's, like, most blow-up overnight things, it's, like, exactly what you said. It's either some rich 20-year-old who just, like, you know, just... They're hot and they're rich and it just happens for them. Or it's, like, someone in their 30s that has actually been kind of successful but not made any money for over a decade. But they've been, like, touring for a decade. Yeah, they have something on. People know... So it's, like, just to give you a little sense of reality...

Doesn't usually happen if you give it one more year. That's probably not gonna be it So you have to kind of make a decision of like am I in for the long haul? Where I'm okay if it you have to be okay with total failure and like being 40 and living and you know Having a roommate in Santa Monica you have to be okay with that and if you can if you can Stomach that then fine keep going but if you're like, you know what I could live in Italy or I could

you know, some kind of cybersecurity shit or even some kind of like people love coding and doing boot camps and all this other shit. If you just want to find a job and have a little financial security for a little while and pursue your stuff creatively, that's probably the path I would go down. I wouldn't completely give up on my artistic pursuits because I'm

I remember thinking when I moved to New York, like, I'm going to give it like I'm going to give it five good years. Yeah. And if nothing happens, I'm not going to quit stand up forever, but I'm going to move back to Baltimore. I'm going to be one of those guys that like features at my home club and like runs a good show. And just like comedy was something I so enjoyed doing that I was never going to fully quit. And I don't think you have to fully quit now.

the artistic stuff you like, but you might have to come to grips with it's not gonna happen for you, just realistically. Definitely. And I think, like, you wanna be, like, making money somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do feel like... You know, also most people who, like...

you know, do blow up out of nowhere. If they're not a kid, they are making, like, they do have a side job, at least. If not a full-time gig. So I would say just go ahead, do either grad school or get your cybersecurity certificate. I wouldn't say grad school. Yeah, you think that's just more money. More money, and it's like, you know. And by the way, this guy sounds like the other guy's therapist. He's like...

Like this guy's, like if this guy was a therapist, he would be talking about how he doesn't, he's not into it. Now he's got a screenplay he really thinks he should read. He's getting his patients to read his fucking screen, give notes on his screenplay. Ha ha ha ha.

Also, like move to Southern Italy. I think like anyone in entertainment would rather fucking do that. No, I literally. I just don't have the option. Yeah, my goal. My goal in entertainment is to have enough money to buy a house on an island in Greece. Yeah. And live there four months out of the year. Dude. That's my goal. Like I want to do that. Like when I'm in my 50s, that's how I want to live my life. For sure.

So you kind of, you have family there. Like, I've thought about moving to Greece at different points, but, you know, if shit was going a little worse for me, I honestly probably would consider that. Would he have a better shot at breaking through as an actor if he moved to Italy, just did a bunch of cheesy-ass, like, influencer content on Instagram? Yeah.

Got famous and tried to parlay that instead of the grinding it out route. Yeah, you could just make a TikTok about your life in Southern Italy. What does this guy look like? Is he fucking ugly? Because it's not going to work if he's ugly. I don't know. Let's be honest. Every influencer that blows up is like hot. I know. I'm curious. There's no lifestyle influencers that are ugly. No, not really. You know what I'm saying? Well, you have to think something going on if he's tried to be an actor for 10 years. Not at all.

Some short film. Don't make me roast this guy because your reading of him is so wrong. I don't want to have to do that. Something's going on. Oh, he did open mics for 10 years, so he's got to have something. You've been open mics, pal. You know that's not the case. He's had some theater shows. That's something if you're like between your 20s and your 30s. Also, he said he was a very bad.

open mic comedian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know bad open mic comedians who would say they were good open mic comedians. That's the interesting thing about this guy. He does have self-awareness. And I like it. And I do like it. And he probably, he just probably loves the art part of it. And yeah, in a perfect world, he would just get to do that for his job. But, you know, I'm saying he's more self-aware about himself than you are about him.

You just moved to Italy and become an influencer is your fucking advice, Eldest? I don't know, man.

Get something shaking. I just feel like he could be... He might... If he quits entertainment, he could be, like, two years down the line being like, wow, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Oh, yeah, for sure. I just think he could be so much happier. Well, the most fucked up thing about my life is that I was the most happy... When we were talking about that. Yeah. That summer, like, COVID summer, there was no stand-up. And I was just, like, going on dates and work. I lost 50 pounds because I was, like, working out and cooking all my own meals. Like, I was happier...

When I was not successful and not doing stand-up. And I was just doing, you know, I was just doing the podcast twice a week. And it was like, I wasn't fulfilled creatively or artistically, but I loved my life. You looked in the mirror and you smiled. I smiled. I did.

You know what I mean? Like, shit was going good for me. I was, like, that was my healthiest dating, like... Totally. Like, I probably, if I... And then I went on tour for two straight years, and I just lost touch with all the, like, anybody I was dating. I lost touch with, like, my sleep schedule, my health. Like, it is... The better my career is, the worse my health has gotten. And that's why, like, next year I'm going to take it a little easier, but...

The grass ain't always greener is the other thing about this, too. Anyway, whatever, dude. You know, let's be honest. What the fuck are we talking about? It's not going to happen. So just get a fucking job. Let's do a nice fun one to play us off with, Elderson. While he's looking at that, Grace, why don't you plug whatever you want the people to know to follow you. Totally. Hilarious videos online since I first discovered you. Thanks, dude. You can follow me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter.

Twitter, I don't really use anymore, but just go ahead and throw me a follow. Throw her a follow. It's at G-K-U-H-L-E-N-S-C-H-M-I-D-T. Brutal. I know. Just check out the description of this episode. Yeah, great school instrument. And copy and paste it.

And you can listen to my podcast with my friend Joe Castle Baker, who's a fucking hilarious comedian. Very funny guy, yes. The podcast is called Finally. Yes, go listen to the podcast. Go follow Grace. And are you touring at all? Are you going to do some stuff? Yeah, I'll be back doing shows in like...

a couple months. I usually take the summer off just to party. No, no, smart move. It's fun. Also, comedy's not as good in the summer. Yeah, exactly. Because that's how people are too. They're like, I'm not going to comedy so I'm going to get fucked up. When I first moved to New York, I was like doing, I like lined up all these shows for the summer and then everyone was inviting me to their house in Hudson. Or like, I don't know.

I don't even, like, just anywhere not in the city. And I was like, why would I be doing a show when I could be in a pool? 100%. You're absolutely correct. It was a pretty easy decision. Absolutely. All right. Play this last one for us. What's up, you fat, cheap, sexy motherfucker? I'm watching you right now, Joe-less. I was just wondering, my wife is very jealous of...

Very fucking like crazy when it comes to me even looking at another chick Like how do I hide that better? I bet a little bit better. Well, yeah, just give me a little bit of ice on that if you can I love watching and I love you guys

Nice one. Hey, good one, dude. Jake from State Farm.

This is your question. How do you hide ogling other women better from your wife? I don't know, man. Maybe, you know. Maybe they'll be like, holy shit, look at her tits when you're eating dinner with your wife. Do you think he's saying that how does he hide him looking at other girls better or how does he hide his wife being jealous? I think he has identified the problem and he doesn't want to get caught. Yeah. I don't think there's any way to hide your wife being jealous. Yeah. I think he's just like, you know.

Don't say out loud to your wife the sexual thoughts you're having as you're looking at another woman in the restaurant. Well, he sounds sober as fuck right now calling in. So he might just be fucking plastered and just like... He doesn't seem like the most subtle man just in general. So I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe take some karate. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Learn like the art of being sneaky. Maybe some kind of breath work classes. Yeah. Be more attached to your body, you know? Because you're probably making involuntary noises and looks. No, ew. Oh my. He sees a hot girl, he's like. I'm like dying.

like that's what is happening. Yeah, 100%. He's doing that weird grunt. He's making it so obvious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, dude, I would say, you know, maybe train yourself in the art of espionage. You know, take some, go to the spy museum,

You know, really just watch some James Bond film or some Mission Impossible. Get some good sunglasses. That was such an awesome move to get the mirrored sunglasses. I had those in like third grade. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mirrored sunglasses and just like, you know, I would say maybe don't ogle women around your wife, you know.

Everyone's human. We all take a peek if you're out and about. It's sundress season. What are you going to do? But really, I would say the general rule is don't move your neck. If you keep everything like eye focused and like not, but you don't want to do this. You know what I mean? You want to like, yeah, you don't want to turn around. You don't want to do any of that stuff. And definitely no noises. Yeah.

And definitely no remarks. And maybe give your wife a little more attention. Yeah, you can be easier on her. I think you're also like, you're not saying like, I want a divorce or anything. Like this is your wife. So maybe also just show her more of that attention. Right, right. Be horny for your wife. And then you can balance it out and you can look at more girls because you are giving her more attention. Right, right.

I mean, this sounds like, if I had to guess, this sounds like maybe two people trapped in a bad life together. Maybe. Just kind of from his whole demeanor, how drunk he is calling into this podcast. The fact that, you know, he says she's very fucking crazy when it comes to me even looking at another chick, like...

Did you cheat on her before? Yeah. It's like, what's going on? There's more context here for sure. You also don't sound like a piece of ass. So something's up here. You know what I mean? Just from your voice, I wouldn't be scared to lose you unless you had already cheated and maybe, you know, is she sick? Is she very vulnerable? Does she need you for financial support right now?

I'm not picking up a very loving vibe about your... And maybe, you know, maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm just generalizing on, you know, how fucked up you sound right now. But work on the marriage a little bit. Don't turn your neck. Yeah. And get sneakier and don't make any noises. Yeah, just give yourself a...

no ogling rule when you're with your wife. Like go out with the boys or just go to a restaurant. Like anywhere you are where your wife isn't, you can let your guard down. But even then, don't get wild with it. Even then, the no turning your neck rule applies. Right. Because I'm, yeah, it's like you are a married man. Yeah. And my guess is I'm just going to wild hunch that

I don't think the women you're ogling are too thrilled either. Just, I'm willing to bet no one's too pumped to fucking look at your bloodshot eyes undressing them.

We find out they're like yelling their phone numbers. Please, please. Yeah, he's hot even though he sounds so bad. Maybe cap off each social engagement at two or three beers. Yeah, that's a good point. That's fair. Don't get so fucking drunk you go cross-eyed trying to look at some waitress's tits.

Great point, Eldis. And I think that's going to do it for us on this week's episode, folks. Thank you so much, Grace. Thanks for being here. Thanks so much for having me. It's a blast. Yeah, very fun. Call 904-800-STAV. Leave your voicemails. We'll answer your questions, guys. Go follow Grace. Listen to her podcast with Joe Castlebaker. And we will be back soon. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.