#30 - Ian Fidance and Jordan Jensen
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Speaking of tickets, I am taking a little break in the summer. Well, I'm going to the Fully Loaded Tour, so the last weekend of that, so go check that out. Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, et cetera, George Washington. Is that right? The Gorge Amphitheater. But more importantly, not more importantly, sorry, Bert. More importantly for me, Bert's got a lot of money, okay? He's fine. I will be in London town, beautiful old London, England.

At the Hackney Empire on September 2nd. I'm also going to be in Amsterdam, one of my favorite cities in the world. I can't wait to go back on September 5th. And then the fall tour, Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Baltimore for a big homecoming run. Detroit, we just added tickets to that. Grand Rapids, Philadelphia. I'm coming all over the place. Florida, Fort Lauderdale, St. Louis, Kansas City, Milwaukee, New York.

Go to stavi.biz, get your tickets. We're very pumped to hit the road in the fall. Me and my boy, Elders, will be back out there. It's going to be great. We're playing bigger venues. We're doing bigger shows. Working on the new, the third hour. I have a special coming out. Before the special comes out, I got to come up with something new. So come out. I'll be trying a bunch of stuff. Will the shows be good? Hey, who's to say? But it will be a fun experience. So stavi.biz for tickets. And of course...

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STARV.

We got Stompy's World after dark. We're usually a morning show, you know? Every time you guys have been on before. You were here at 10 a.m. No way. Yeah, dude. I never have been anywhere at 10 a.m. I promise you. It was 11. Well, yes, the show, you were supposed to be here at 10 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maddie was here at 10 a.m. I had to sleep in Astoria to be here on time. I did. Oh, yeah. At an ex's house. Hilarious. I banged an ex for you.

You could have banged Elders, though. You could have fucked me. I have a bed right here. You just slept right in this room. Why didn't I think at all? Shit. You know what, Jordan? Your brain doesn't think about all the possibilities. It doesn't take it all in. You have a small world view. Did you pop that hole in that wall for that? Did you put that hole in the wall for the air conditioning? You want to start the episode with stuff no one can see? I think...

What's that lighting fixture up there? Just so people know. No, I didn't. It's a very common thing in New York where there's a hole underneath the window. Excuse me, expert. I believe years ago you asked me to come over to put in your AC. Do you remember that? Yeah. And she's dressed like she's just about to. Not because you know anything about where the AC holes go. That doesn't mean you know anything about architecture. No, I don't know anything. Yeah, I know some stuff. No, you don't. I don't know some stuff.

Remember how the Jordan did? We've covered this on the show. That thing looks great. Hey, can I air something out? Yeah. When's that thing getting glazed? Yeah, when's it getting laminated? When are we going to finish on that? What happened? You paid me $200. What happened? It was $800. Please tell me what happened. It was $200. What did she do? Pull up the Venmo. What happened? Huh? What happened? Okay, great. Let's get into it. Yes. Yes. What?

Welcome to another episode of B&E in which you and I No it's not. No it's not. Bleep that out, Eldest. Bleep that out. Ha ha, laugh track. Laugh track. Let's do a laugh track. Welcome to Stavi's World. Ian is finally on a free episode because he called me crying. No. He called me No. He called me My allergies were actually gone. Come on, man. How many Patreons am I going to be on? Put me on a free episode.

And then I had somebody else lined up. He's like, can I do it with Jordan? Just getting a free episode in. I'll bring up the text. I said, because I wanted to get, I had JP around. He lives in Astoria. You know. Are we talking about how I got dragged onto this? No, no, no. Jordan's got to go fuck her ex for shelter after this. You know what I mean? Like.

You are really inconveniencing a lot of people. I feel the wind's coming. I need to stay with you. You're inconveniencing a lot of people to make this happen, Ian. Oh, it's going to be a wet summer. I'm going to need lots of shelter, mister. I did think about it on my way here. I was like, do I need anything?

Did I forget anything? Any excuse. So we're here. We're doing not being Ian with Jordan, but we do have both Ian and Jordan here. What do black people call breaking and entering? Breaking.

- What black people? B and E is not black people slang. - Oh, B and E, that's what it sounds like. - B and E, breaking and entering. - You think it's black? - What are the ones who do crimes? What's their shorthand for it? - What are those black men? What do those black men call it? - B and E is a cop term. - When they get their money. - What do black people call breaking and entering? Going to the ATM. - What do black people call their employment?

What's it called when a black person makes their money? What's that called? So anyway, here's Ian's third Patreon episode.

I don't know how you thought bringing me on would get you into normal. We have Jordan and Ian on, couple pals, two faves on the show. Welcome back to the studio, guys. Thanks for being here. How's the day been so far? Is anybody else? So you're in a...

You're going back to your ex for shelter. I'm, we are. You're done? Done. Are you in a cycle? Are you currently in one of those cycles as well? Yeah, you got out of the cycles and I got back in now. You got to get out now. Mine's not a cycle. Yours is a cycle of abuse and destitution. Mine is we broke up and got back together. You got abandoned just like me and then got back together. Wow.

I just had it nine times. Yeah, but mine only happened once. Yours happened nine in a calendar year. I do things more. Nine in a calendar year. Nice. Yeah, I'm a woman. All the crazy has to be multiplied by nine, but it's the same. And now, do you think that your ex, he's also fucking other women, I'm guessing? Oh, stop. What are we doing? What are we doing? That's why we are not together, because he wants to. I see, I see, I see. I mean, I...

I could, but I'm not motivated by it. I see. I actually could...

But I just don't want to know. I'm like, fuck whoever you want. You're old-fashioned. Cheat on me in secret. Cheat on me, dude. Just don't let me find out. Don't let me get an STD. I don't want to be wondering if somebody's going to use it. I used to live in a halfway house with this dude that was an ex-pagan. And he goes, Molly, man, we got it. Ex-pagan motorcycle guy? Motorcycle. No, he was a Wiccan. That's what I thought. I mean, is that out of the question for people you know? Living in a halfway house.

She was a motorcycle guy and he was like, old lady, she the best. She says, do what you want, just make sure you wrap it up. I was like, that's the way to go. I think Chappelle has a rig up like that.

set up like that? Probably. I mean, most rich people have, like, LeBron James is married to his high school sweetheart. You think LeBron James hasn't fucked thousands of women? I don't know. There's something sweet about that. Come on, man. Are you serious? You would cheat. I would like to think that that's love. Going off of being a Philly headliner ten years ago, you would cheat.

A local headliner, dude. You don't think if you were the best basketball player of all time, you would get side pushed? No, I don't know. Being with your high school sweetheart for that long, there's some sort of thing there that I would like to live in a world where they're not cheating and they truly have real love. Well, that's great. I would love that. I think truly everybody cheats. You would also love to be fully straight. I think every single person. But that's not happening either. Lord knows I'm making it. Go for it. Lord knows I'm trying.

I've seen a different type of bacon about that. Come on, give me some sage. You're doing spells. It is true. The hotter your girlfriends get, the more I'm like, death protest. That's a go-to of like, obviously Ian is dealing with his own issues, but like a fully closeted man, you can tell when they've only ever dated

smoke shows because they don't actually find someone attractive. They just, they're like, well, this is who is hot. Like if no one, there's some ugly person's excuse for dating gross chicks. You were dagging at my like three armpit hairs. What's that? No, no, because your armpit hairs are gross. I don't mind stubble. I don't mind stubble. But her armpit hairs look like a Chinese painter's chin. She's like,

Three that he like pulled on to think about. She's got a fuming shave? Yeah, yeah. Do you go fully no shave? I don't have anything, Stubb. Look at the... Oh, you just have a couple. Oh, okay. That's fine. Yes. He was gagging. That's a... Who are you kidding with that? I... If there's going to be armadillo, I want it to be straight like a man. What?

This like wispy waspy little bit. It's all or nothing, baby. I actually really like the wispy waspy little bit because it's like, it's natural but feminine at the same time. When someone barely has any armpit hair, I'm like, great. You know? I've definitely, I don't have a problem with that. Stubble's fine. There's no stubble there. It looks like... So you want to be kissing a 45-year-old man on the cheek? No. No.

No, if it was stubble, it'd be like, oh, that's normal. But I've never seen a woman's armpit hair look like a teenager getting pubes for the first time. I just don't grow a lot of hair. It's all my head. These are tattooed on. Nuh-uh. Yes. Feel it. It is. Are you serious? Yeah. No. There's light hair on it, but yeah, it's very light. That's weird, dude. I never noticed that. Microblading. Good for you. Yeah, dude, that's correct. Well, your stance on armpit hair is insane. Well, wait till you hear my stance on pubes. Let's hear them. I don't like them. At all.

I like a landing strip. No period sex either. Wow. I don't like period sex. Landing strip makes your vagina look like a homeschooler. I cannot believe it. It looks like a rat tail. The water comes down. No, I don't want it coming down. What are you talking about? Not off the pussy, but even just on the vagina. No, I just want it above. Right above. Like a little strip. Trashy. Or if you got a bush, everything above. Don't put it on the vagina. Triangle's nice. Of course it has to be above. It has to be above. I've seen some things. Yeah, of course. You shave the lips, you keep the triangle. Halfway on a lip, and then, you know. What?

Yeah. You really? Yeah, yeah. So your preferred is, and look, I'm not saying I like a crazy bush, but I'll also, who cares? Push comes to shove, I'll fuck someone with a crazy bush. Push comes to shove, you push it and you shove it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, there we go. They're wet. Someone's been doing a podcast with Ian for a while. It's true. Push comes to shove me. Shove my face in that pussy. Yeah.

Oh my God, I wish I could take it back. But once it's wet, you can just mat it away. You know what I mean? When it's wet? Interesting. No pubes for Mr. Finance. I would have taken you for a, you'll go in on a bush because you're a freak type of guy. Like a 1970s bush? Everything above the vagina, fine. But when it's on the sides and the lips and everything. You do a little parting like it's the jungle.

I don't mind the hair on the butthole, though. It can look kind of cute when it's like... I wonder what that's about. Oh, wow. But I don't like guys with butthole hair. Riddle me that. I don't like guys with butthole hair. You can't just walk yourself into shit like that. Well, I'm sorry we're hanging out with a demon. You just said, I don't like pussy, but I like butthole hair. No, I didn't say I like it. I said...

Don't cross your legs when you're fighting against me. I don't like guys with butthole hair. Ew, icky, poo, gross. But a girl with a little bit of butthole hair, it looks kind of cute. You're the man. You're the only person in my life that when people are making fun of somebody, it's not me being gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. He's a beautiful force field for you. I'm wearing a Carhartt and my motorcycle's outside and it's all on you. It's incredible. Yeah, I help. I hold you up. Thank you so much. You really do help me. Yes. I'm your wife, Peter. I love it. Yeah. You are a beautiful pairing. I love this. Yeah. And you have drywall dust on your pants. A little asshole hair can be cute. It can. That's awesome. Pops them up.

No. I got pictures. Oh my God. I had to look at a butthole video because my sister got cheated on by her husband. Oh no. And she sent me the video of the prostitutes that are hogs, big slap hogs. They look like PT Cruisers with fake eyelashes. Wait, wait, wait. He fucks prostitutes? Yeah. And then they sent a video and one of it is just...

his butthole. Ew, his? Yeah, somebody... Oh, I hate that angle. Yeah, it's a bad angle. The porn angle where it's like the guy's ass and balls. What's the point of that? Oh, who wants that? I don't know. They need it for editing. Sorry, sorry, sorry. For those doing audio only, Ian raised his hand and then tried to keep it down like it was possessed by a gay demon. Yeah.

Oh, forgive me for making an act out joke with seven fucking cameras around here. Yeah, that's fine. You're listening to this on audio. What are you doing? You're missing just three beauts shooting the shit. That's true. Listen, some people are old school. True. You know, we cater to everyone here at Stavi's World. I like that. So damn. And so what do the prostitutes have it as like blackmail? Wow. And then she said, here, put all these together. And like you do it with one of your little stand up clips.

She wanted you to edit it together? She wanted a caption. Ball slap. Audience member not happy. So then in my sister's heart breaking. So bad. And in my drafts folder, there was just that. In your drafts? In my drafts. Wait, what? Drafts for what? Drafts for Instagram. What do you mean? Because I had to knit them together. You really edited them together? Yes.

And then I have intrusive thoughts and it took everything in me not to hit post. She called me recently and she goes, I went through a retreat and I realized I was able to forgive myself for beating you within an inch of your life all those years. And it took everything in me not to just be like post. Sorry, can I see your picture? No, I won't show it. Let me see it. Wait, are you really going to watch? I have to dig it up. You're going to watch? Can I show you what I mean about the hair on a girl's butthole?

No, not at all. All fair. Patreon. We're trying to podcast here, pal. Not look at pornography. I'll show you later. I will. I'll show you the whole thing. I put it all together. It's beautiful. Wow. So, okay. I'm sorry. When did this happen? Very recently. It's been going on. It's like the never-ending story. Yeah. In George's life? Oh, yeah. It won't stop. I'm guessing he's not a good guy? Nine years he's been doing this. Nine years? Yeah. And what happened? Why did the video surface now?

I don't know. I guess he slipped up with the wrong. Oh, oh, pregnant. He impregnated. He impregnated a prostitute in Ithaca? A couple of them. He's raw dogging them? Wow. My sister, when she was pregnant. Holy shit. I know. His name's

If anybody wants to go back to his name. Okay, bleep that. Don't bleep it. Don't bleep it. This is the only power I have. You can do that on Beaneen. You leave the slander and libel suits to Beaneen. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. It is slander and libel. See if we mention it. Patreon.com slash BeaneenPod.

Jordan shows his butthole. Eight years. Nine. Nine. Damn, that's funny. That's insane. How long have they been together? The whole time? The whole time. They have kids. One kid. One. And they're going to have steps. She's going to have stepkids soon. There is a stepkid. A little black stepkid. Oh, no. Okay. Are the prostitutes hot? No. Dude. Yeah? They are really bad. Oh, no. No, like borderline mush mouth. Oh. Huge. Huge.

They're casino. Casino women. Ooh. They're slot machine ladies. Damn, dude. They're old? Kinda. Damn. And your sister, you said, I remember from your first appearance. Oh, she's so hot. Was a hot slut, I believe. There is a picture.

There is a picture of her in the same room with one of them. What do you mean? I can't. What the fuck are you talking about, Jordan? How did they get in the same room together, Jordan? I know. What kind of like white trash fucking. Because there was, you know, she needed all the details for the stuff. It was a, it was a like they got together to exchange info.

Yeah. Wow. So she snitched on him. This is Stormy Daniels' situation. I thought that was a penis. It was just a finger with a squirrel on it.

Who's that girl in the bikini? All right, enough. That's Taylor Tomlinson. Why do you have a bikini face of Taylor? Oh, there's somebody sucking somebody's dick. Whoa, nice. That's one of them. Oh, God. Oh, God. That is horrific. That's not good. Oh, God. Oh, there she is, my sweet. She's a cunt, but my sister and then the heart. Oh, God. Wow, that bitch is wildly bad looking. Look at my poor sister.

And then that's one of the hookers? Yeah. Oh, dude. Wow. It looks like he just goes on the set of Hoarders and throws his dick around. That bitch is built like me. She has the exact same body type as me. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's tough. And hairline. Yeah. I'm going to break his knees. I'm going to do it. That's wild. I know. Damn, does he have any money that she can take? He's fighting back quite a bit. He's fighting back? Despite all the videos. Oh, hardcore, yeah. Fighting back how? Wow.

Just by saying that she's also a bad person. Oh. She's a piece of shit. Why? Because she gets her sister to go on public platforms and say his name? I don't think she wants me to do that.

This is awesome. It literally is Ian's third Patreon. He's going to be so mad. And he'll have Jordan to blame this time and not me. Like, Ian is going to be like Charlie Brown. Ian is going to do this show every three weeks. And I'll be like, dude, I swear this time it's going to be the free episode.

Wow, that's wild. Fuck. Have cheating scandals ever rocked your family before? On either side? Anybody? Anybody cheated on anyone before? Every one of them. Every single one. My mom and dad. Yeah, my mom cheated on my dad and they poured car paint all over the guy's car.

Well, your mom cheated on your dad with a guy? Yeah, when they were together. Wow. Not even gay cheating? That was like really to fuck him. That's so rude. Like, I'm gay. I even did it with a guy. Fuck you. And then my mom cheated on her other wife with a married woman who then moved in with us with her children and my pit bull ate the foot off the cat. And then she said, you have to get this dog out of here. It's dangerous. And I have kids. And my mom said, take your crippled cat and get the fuck out of here.

Because my mom loved that pitbull so much. That's such a fucking Ithaca. That's awesome. Take that crippled cat and get on out of here. The kind of trash you were steeped in. Yeah, why do you think we get along so well? So much cheating. I don't think I've ever cheated. You've never cheated. I've done the thing where I'm like, hey, a dick is about to enter me, and I'm like, we're taking a break. Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in.

I love that move. I've done that, for sure. I'm just hovering above it. I need some space. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Okay, so we're on the same page. Great. Immediately. Totally. Yeah. Well, that's just... I mean, I guess that's better...

Is that even better than cheating? I don't know. No, it's worse. No, it is worse because you don't have the guts to just fully cheat. You were cheating. You were going to fuck the person. Like, if they said no... Okay, let me ask you this. If your phone died as you were sending that text, would you have still fucked the person? Yeah, I would... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got up out of the bed sloppy.

sloppy wet, just leaving a snail trail from one room to the other. Called him from the other room and was like, it's over. And he was like, what? And I was like, stupid bitch says what? And hung up or something. And then went in there, had very good sex. Oh, nice. And then later, he was like, I really want to get back together. And I was like, okay, but I have to confess. I slept with this dude. And he walked across, it was over the phone, I was on tour. He walked across the street,

Fucked the coffee shop woman. Just immediately. Immediately was like, you, me, let's go. Because she'd been like hitting on him for a while. So just took her across the street to her apartment, fucked her and was like, well, I fucked her. And I was like, what? In my...

And then did you say we're even now or no? Yeah, I was like we're even but we never really were even so then he cheated on me again Right, and then it was over. It's like trying to eat just a little bit look like the bunny ears off a chocolate bunny It's like all right. We got it. We got to even it out Too much

It was never even because I did it first. So then he went to California and fuck this woman. I was getting his oil changed. And I was like, I was like, hey, what oil do you take? And he was like, such and such. And I was like, okay, why do you sound weird? And he was like, I don't know. And I was like, something happened? He was like, yeah.

He's like, I fucked that girl. And I was like, the one I've been saying that you're going to fuck? How dare you? At least I had the decency to call you right before it happened. Yeah. I love that because you've told me that story before and I was so on your side and you never bothered to mention that you initially cheated on him.

It was, retard. It was. I ended it. That's the best part about Jordan. You'll hear one thing and be like, yeah, totally. No, you're on the right. And then she'll just slowly throw something else out there. No, no, no, no, no. That's like when we're seen

scene found out about the ex-boyfriend who we keep getting together and he's like I'm gonna fucking kill this guy and I was like well I did do this and this and this I called him in the middle of the night I sent it and he's like all right well I'm gonna tell him to please leave my insane friend alone that's awesome yeah yeah but there was no real you've never dealt with uh what about you are you a cheater Ian no no you're loyal when you're in there Jordan says yes

This microphone here. Excuse you. I was in my, in my younger years I had, okay, but I don't want to. Sure. I did something bad, but I didn't, I didn't want to do it. Your honor. I didn't want to do it. They kind of pulled me up to being on the bank robbing crew. So you're blackout when it happens. Does it happen? That's a great, that's a great question. Uh, to ask, uh, children in the crosswalk, uh,

That's awesome. Have you cheated?

I've never, see, I'm shitting on you for being a tech person about technicalities, but I've always like, I have up until the, what are we conversation? Like well past the time it would have been bliss. Exactly. Like well past the time. We never said. I like that. Because what I'm dealing with now is this guy is like, not, he's not fucking anybody, but he's like, but there might be a chance, a time where I want to. And I'm like, now is when you do that. Right. Right.

Why are you saying this? Go fuck everybody until it

You know what I mean? And then even then go, I'm sorry, I can't hear you. And then fuck again. And then lock it down. But the whole like, but I might maybe want to. It's like, no shit. We all might maybe want to. And also making out, not cheating. Oh, interesting. Dry humping in a bathroom, not cheating. What are you talking about? I've never done it. That's like me. I used to be like, well, I'm sucking a guy's dick. It's not cheating. It's like, again, he is. Nice try. I

I used to think if it's with a guy, it's not cheating. Right, right, right. Yeah. We're both retarded. Yeah, that's true. I'm at least listening to Jordan's point. I think making out is a fun thing that doesn't give people STDs typically. And it is, you know, it's a good on the road thing to do. I can't agree with you there. No? Making out sounds... If we were dating and I was like, I made out with a guy who was drunk...

I would be like, I would be mad at you. It wouldn't be the level of, it would be like a cheating misdemeanor. It's not a cheating felony. You don't go to cheating jail for it, but you're on, you got community service. What about emotional affairs? That's my mom's forte. That's also, and mine. I mean, that's, I guess that's, I hate that.

That's probably worse, but I'm stupid, so I think it's better. Have you ever been with someone that thinks looking at pornography is cheating? No, that's insane. When I was like 18, I felt that. Or I didn't say it out loud, but I felt it. We've gone over. Please pass people that aren't on the Patreon. Jordan had a very revealing episode of Stavi's World where she basically realized she was molested.

And when she was 18, she was dating a grown man. 17, yeah. Who was also her tutor. Just the CliffsNotes version for you guys. That's not... And then the other things that Ian knows. There's bad so many things. Yeah, this is a heavily molested couch right here. I'm going to... This is one of the most... I am not molested. Okay, Ian. What is a bad couch?

Dude. The hot dog man didn't molest you. Yeah, the three other people that we've unveiled on the podcast did. If a friend underneath the bathroom stall in first grade says that he likes his penis bit, you bite it because you want to make your friend feel good. But then didn't he betray you? And so what if you've never bit a pee-pee before? Don't you want to make Kyle feel nice?

I'm joking. Then people want you around if you do what they say. If you do stuff that makes people feel good, even if you don't like it at the time, they'll be your friend. But then you tell the priest at your first confession and they get angry and you say that you were lying. Jordan's fucked up. The priest gets angry. He's like, I thought you said you were a virgin. Yeah.

Dude, Priest, I, the other day touched a guy's head. He like asked for absolution because he was heckling and I touched his head and I did, I was like, if this was a little boy being like, please forgive me, I did kind of get it for a second. No, dude. You don't kind of get it. No, you don't. You don't kind of get it. Strike that from the record. You don't kind of get it. No.

I don't get it. Objection. I don't. Your honor. I just could get. If I had power over a child, I could kind of understand. Could you say this? I touched a grown man when I was in a position of power and I felt an erotic thrill from it. How about that? How about not? If I was a grown up and I was touching a child, I would feel the same way.

- And the drawer was like, who does that? And I thought priests and I went, oh, that's why they fuck kids. - Okay, all right. I don't know that you're, how about this? I don't know that your logic was airtight on that one. - It's not airtight. - Yeah.

If a man walks up to the stage, he's about child height, and he says, please forgive me, and you touch his head. Again, let's lose the whole child angle. You're right. Let's just get a man that you can legally have sex with. You're in a position of power over him, and you touch his head in a way. That's gross. No, that's not.

You didn't want to fuck that guy whose head you touched? Maybe like 25 years ago. But if he was wearing a dinosaur t-shirt, if he was wearing a fucking, like a... If he was wearing an X-Files t-shirt. If he was... Nice, dude.

If it was me, good point, Ian. Oh, yeah, that was a good point. That actually was a good point. No, it wasn't, Jordan. It didn't have anything to do with the bit. Wisdom and chains, they're an awkward band. They're great. Nice, dude. Okay, nice. I'm just saying. I used to, there was. Letter tire on rope. Go ahead. What were you saying? Ian, that's what I do to you. I'm glad you're learning. You're learning.

Let her do her own stupid logic and see where it ends up. I'm just saying, if there was somebody who was helpless... Okay. All right. We're not going to get into their age or the reason they're helpless, but if they were helpless... Say they're crippled. Okay.

I guess that's an improvement. I guess that's better. Okay. Okay. Say they're a felon and they're like, what could I possibly do to find absolution? I could imagine being like, eat my pussy for 10 Hail Marys. Right. You know what I mean? Hail my marriage. Yeah. That would just make me want to kill again. I think that could be a good matrix. Yeah. You'd send them right out on the street. You'd be like, oh!

I don't know. If this is it, I'll take my chances in hell when I'm face-to-face with this monstrosity. Yeah, really. Why is there so much lip? I've seen a man's life leave his eyes!

I am a very nice vagina, I can say, because it'll never be shown. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She said that earlier when we were recording it. I go, really? She goes, well, I'm not going to show it to you now. Some things might be out of place. Sure, sure, sure. I was like, oh, boy. I think it's a good thing.

Okay, can we what do you know? Okay, there's like what do you think is in your Audi? What are we talking? We're talking? Okay, so there's three kinds. There's a snare drum. That's what you want. They're flat, flat, little line down the middle. Just a line. Yeah, none of us have that you have to be anorexic. Well, then you have the some of those. Then you have the just the hoof, right? We have the hoof. We know about the hoof. Then we have the

Right, right, right, right. Okay, then we have the, if I imagine if I- You had already said there's three. Now you're going with four? There's four. Now we know this one. Imagine I have two tongues, one's going up. Oh, I can do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic. Big lip style. I have this. Oh, a little tasteful lip. Oh.

Oh, that's not bad. A little tasteful. Nice. Nice. Thank you. I could see that. You know, that's surprising because that is because you think a person's pussy like this would be like, would be their personality. But that's not how it is. Because if your pussy was like what you're like, it would be all frumpy and just fucked up looking. There might be dust in it. Exhaust and motor oil. You know what I mean? That's better. That's better. But just like.

Too big. Like a potato. Yeah, like when you go down to touch it, it'd be like, what's going on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is like that. What's up, dude? Yeah, yeah. But it's just a physical, you know, it's just a body part and it could be, you know, nothing like the person. Some people that you'd think would have real nice ones, horror show. Sweetest man I know is terrifying dick. Scariest, snizzly dick. Nice. Yeah. I shaved my balls and shaft recently and it really made me feel nice about my cock. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Really does add a ton to it. I hate when men shave their balls.

Not this way. This way looks good. No, no, no dick out. I hate when it's

No, it's not. It's tastefully done. Even when it's tight. No, you got to trim. It's not for you. Men got to trim, in my opinion. You got to trim, but I don't like the tight buzz. No, no buzz. A scissor cut up top. Scissor cut. Scissor cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Scissor cut up top. A lot of people are buzz cutting. Maybe a buzz on the nuts. Buzz on the nuts. Fine. Great. Buzz on the nuts and on the shaft because you don't want it growing off the shaft. Whose dick hair grows all the way up the shaft? He's Italian. Really? Hey. Eldon's ears doesn't?

Yeah, it's going up the shaft. A little bit like... At the very end. Down at the bottom, but not like, you know. It doesn't grow up. Mid-shaft. I guess like, I guess, yeah. Which direction does your hair grow? Up the balls or up the top? Down the stomach? Up the balls. Goes up the shaft. Which way? Up. Sideways? What do you mean? Like, like... Here, I'll show you. Underneath or up top? She's asking underside? Yeah. Underside of your dick? No, I don't want to see your dick, Ian.

I've seen his dick. You're lost. Maybe up a little bit under the dick. Yeah, under? Like where the dick and the balls connect. Yeah, I see that. Sure, there's a little hair there, of course. I think he doesn't go up the sides. He's saying mutton chops. Mine goes up the sides. That makes sense. That's crazy. That makes sense. That's funny because what we were just talking about, how your genitals don't match who you are. Yeah, that's exactly. Ian's dick has ironic facial hair. Yeah. Yeah. Ian's dick has ska mutton chops. Yeah.

That's awesome, man. That's crazy. Up the sides? I'll show you. We don't need to see your dick, bro. You're going to show your dick or you're going to show us mutton chops? Again, put your phone away. We're not looking at your dick. Best Buy has really been blowing me up lately. What'd you get from Best Buy? I didn't get anything. That's the thing. They want you to get something? Yeah. Okay. So, Jordan...

Let me see it. Let me see it. Great. Now I've looked at Ian's penis. These are hard. And it was hard. Hard. You had to show, I thought we were going to just look at the hair like shaved, but you showed me your like what you send a girl for show. While you're covering the mutton chops. Yeah, you covered the hair with your hand. It was just your hard ass dick. Yeah, it was called asserting dominance. I don't want to see your hard dick. And you're squeezing on it.

all the blood and sweat like everybody knows makes a big dick. We know what you're doing there, dude. Yeah. And I don't need to see that. You're choking it out. You could have showed us a clinical picture of your dick. All right, I'll have fun. No, I don't want that. I painted because it's the only one I saw and I thought it'd be a funny... No, you were digging for that one. You were digging for it. First of all, we've all seen your penis a lot. Oh, yeah. I sent that picture to you. I was like, did you see my new tattoo? Yeah. And he...

The thing is, I knew it was going to be a picture of his dick. Because Ian kept being like, "Hey dude, check this out." And I was like, "I'm not looking, Ian." And he was like, "No, it's my tattoo." And I was like, "I know it's your penis."

And then I just opened it so he would leave me alone. Like, he opened it, he did it on Instagram, and I knew exactly what he was doing. He never was just like, hey, check this cool photo out. Like, that's not our relationship. You don't show me cool pictures. I knew it was going to be your penis. And you had, like, shown me your penis, like, twice, like, two weeks ago. Woo!

And it's just like, that's the thing. It's like you betrayed it because how bad, how much you wanted the laugh, how much you wanted to do a little prank. I just want to make my friends laugh. It's a pretty cool pic. I love giggling with my friends.

I just love giggles. I was like, wow, dude. No, look at that. It's your penis. Why not just send a photo to his phone? Like he can't. Because he wanted the reveal. He wanted me. He wanted the misdirect. It's like, it's like, it's like the most sophisticated joke Ian will ever write. It's like, hey, it's this thing. But guess what? It's something else. Yeah.

Yeah, you know how you thought it was the one thing? Get ready for this. It's the other thing. It's actually a thing that's very opposite to that.

Like that fucking, like a joke, like there's always that joke when you're an open mic or where it's like something vulgar and then it's like, thanks grandma. Remember that shit where it's like, oh my god, every, Father Francis. You know, like it's always like, so I'm talking to this guy at the bar and he's like, yeah, my dick and balls are dripping asshole juice because I fucked my wife in the ass. And it's like, I'm eight years old.

Yeah, yeah. Granddad? Yeah. We're at a funeral. You know, like, he's like, damn, that's good. I should, I should close on that. Yeah.

A funeral? Fuck. Anyway. That's really good stuff, guys. We've really delved really deep so far this episode. The cheating. Aldous has never cheated. Let's get the whole crew involved. You're not a cheater.

You're a loyal man. No, I've probably never cheated. Yeah. I regret not trying to cheat one time. I don't know. We were just like at this restaurant drunk as fuck one night. Yeah. And we

We were getting like, what's that fucking biscuits place in Baltimore? Oh, Blue Ribbon. Great breakfast spot in Baltimore, Blue Moon, if you're ever there. And we were just like waiting in line for a long time. It was always super busy. And there was just like these girls we were talking to out there. Who were you with? What was the crew? Was I there? No. What is your accent?

He's from Baltimore. He's Albanian. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Everything, but... Yeah, we're like... It was our pal, whose name we never say out there. Yeah, Big P. Yeah, Big P. Big P. And I don't know, maybe a couple other people. Maybe I was there.

Maybe you were, but we're just talking to these two girls outside who are just out partying, drinking, whatever. Were you dating the girl whose apartment you shit yourself in? Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you should have cheated on her.

But yeah, basically like at one point I went to the bathroom and one of these girls was like in there and I swear to God, she like lingered with the door open. I was like, dude, should I go in here right now? Just try to get something going. I got a strong vibe. I was like, I'm just going to wait at the door until she walks out. Should have popped in, brother. It was a vibe, but I should have. You should have popped in. It was your youth. You hadn't gotten much pussy at that point in your life. The thing is, if that happens to you five years later, you probably pop in.

Wait, what do you say? Some girl's using the bathroom. Should I just go in there and try to kiss her? We got a vibe. I got a strong vibe. She's like, can you watch the door? By the way, this place has hilariously small bathrooms. Yeah. Eldest by himself probably has to stoop to piss. So I love the idea that that's where you were going to fuck a girl.

Not a fog, but who knows? The establishment itself is hilariously tiny, too. The bathroom is right next to some dining tables. There is a thrill to just not finishing, but putting your dick in a mouth in a bathroom. Or just dipping it in. I had sex start to finish in a bathroom at a bowling alley. Oh my god. Man! I think I know the one. Get the butt out of the gutter. No!

The squat you have to be in for dates. What's that? The squat you have to be in to do it. Well, as a comedian, you should know that you probably shouldn't get into that situation. The squat? What are you talking about? He's just still trying to drop hints. Oh, I see. As a comedian, you should know that you shouldn't go into that. Again, anyway, whatever. She was saying something kind of interesting. You said... As a comedian, why would comedians have to say the name of the show?

You said the name of the bar. Yeah. There was no more hints that need to, you can't hint at something. I got a really good answer and I wanted it again. All right. Is that how it works? Yeah. Is that how it works after the big punchline? Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes.

This is the thing, dude. Someone needs to teach you to take emotions out of comedy. Why? To make you truly get your potential. What? You're too much of a loose cannon, dude. I like being a loose cannon. No. No? This is like an action montage where it's like, you got potential, kid.

But you got your heart's too in it. You know what I mean? It's one of those. Oh, I care too much? You care too much. Okay. That is true about your entire life, by the way. What? You care too much about everything. That's not true. It's true. We had a fight for an hour today. Well, yeah, but that was about something totally different. I'm just saying you could do with a little more, like it's a, now I'm not thinking of a good example because I was going to say Top Gun, but like imagine if Top Gun was really shitty, a really shitty pilot. What?

She's trying to get fucked in a bathroom stall. I'm not trying. She got fucked. The squat. In a dirty... Squat in your fucks. All right. So did you get anything inside of your pussy that wasn't a penis? Semen. Okay. Oh, wow. Cream pie in a bowling alley. Yeah, I guess that is... I guess that is... You could have just busted in the bathroom. It was on my back, I think. Okay. He's a pull-out king. Pull-out guy. Yeah. Nice.

Great bowler, great at pulling out. I never time the pull out right. Really? Never do. I think I'm bad. I always end up being off like way too long because I'm so nervous of getting someone pregnant where I'm like, oh yeah, I'm coming. And then I'm just like, like stone face for like two and a half minutes. And like she stopped being hot. She's just like,

I have a joke about that. It is crazy. Men don't have the timing right. It is nuts. Well, here's the thing. You don't want to fuck that up, in my opinion. It's better to be safe. I don't know what that's about. But you just don't want to let one fly inside of someone. It's rude to bust inside someone, is my personal opinion. Especially if they're...

18. What are you talking about? I just need to frame you for something, okay? I just don't understand what we're getting at here.

You said it like, yeah, it's like a gay joke towards you. Like, I'm the guy who fucks teenagers. Like, we all know that about stuff. Is that what's out there? Yeah. Yeah. Starting today. Yeah. Starting right now. Yeah, I just would rather be safe than sorry when it comes to pulling out. Totally. I like jerking off. What's it called? IUD? An abortion. No, for you. What? What?

A snip of vasectomy. Yes. Maybe I want to have kids. You can reverse it. That's what they tell you. You can. You can't. No, you can't. What do you mean? I don't know. My dick's fucked up to begin with. I don't want it all snipped up. What's wrong with your dick? It's chronically small. It's not chronically small. It's a chronic issue. Like some days it doesn't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some days I have an awesome dick. But about half the time... Just a regular small. Thank you very much. Just a bad foreskin. It needs like a... You know, it can get kind of snagged. Fix it. You have so much money. I don't want to... I'd have to get circumcised. I'm not getting circumcised. You don't want to get circumcised? Nah, nah. Why not? I like the old world flair of my dick. Mmm.

Well, why don't you just get a little thick enough? You can't just trim a little off? You can't trim a little foreskin off the top? Really? No. Yeah, can you make my foreskin high and tight, please? I want to fade. I want a foreskin fade. There has to be some stretch therapy. Oh, please, Lord. There is. But then what? I got to start doing this to my dick every day? Oh, I've seen what you're talking about. It doesn't go fully over the tip without some working. Well, you've seen one of those.

Well, my friend has one, but I haven't seen it. But I've imagined it quite a bit. Who else has one of those? Tell me off air. I thought I was the only guy with that kind of dick. There's a comedian who has one. Who? They're fucking completely stealing my thing. I'll tell you off air. Yeah, tell us off air. Let's do the telephone. Tell me and then I'll tell him. No, no.

Dan Natterman. That'll be good. Don't stretch it out. You can do a little. Could you do a little? I think you're supposed to stretch it out. Stop it. I'm going to pass out. I would like, if I didn't have to do it all the time, if it was a hot topic interview,

earlobe situation. They gotta put gauges you can just leave in your dick. That would be nice. But, I don't know. I bought something off the internet that was like a toolkit to stretch your... That's where you're gonna stop. I'm not getting searched for. Why not? Stop. Because you want the handjob thing? If you say that ever again, you're out. Because of the Greek thing? Kind of. Okay, okay, okay. I don't want to be just a regular honky. I want my ethnic penis.

Your ethnic penis isn't letting your penis out of its ethnicity. Listen, I can still bust fine. No.

Yeah, my dick is like a traditional Muslim wife. It has the fucking... I don't want her to be some fucking donkey. It doesn't drive. Hijab? I said jihad. The hijab. The hijab, yeah. But you know what? Sometimes... But I also think it might be... There's something romantic to it where it's like some pussies...

feels awesome. And I'm like, maybe I just need to find, maybe my wife has just the right pussy for this kind of fucked up dick. You know? Sometimes it feels bad. The angle's off. It yanks it. Tough. Just a little off the top. But some you slide right in. They can do plastic surgery. You can't take a little off the top, Jordan. When you find it, you can be like, I've been on such a journey to find you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't they just need to be super tight to pull it back? What's that? Don't they just need a very tight vagina because it'll pull it back?

No, that'll hurt. I don't like the things I'm picturing right now. Sorry. I mean, unless you're talking about me wrong. You ain't get back with a nice, tight pussy. I do like a tight pussy. There's nothing wrong with a nice, small one. But, like, you know, you want someone who's got a tight one that's wet. Real wet over the top. Classic. I mean, I'm not breaking you ground here. You'd like a tight, wet pussy. That's pretty cool. I hope to try one of those one day.

You'll get there, buddy. Somebody said I was too wet recently. That can be kind of annoying. What liar were you with? Do you have a big pussy? No. It's a good one. Be honest. Why would they say too wet? I don't think it's big. I think it's normal. Is his dick small? Was that being too wet? No, it was fitting fine. Hurt. A little painful. Really? But why did he say too wet? I don't know. Okay.

As the little dick expert on the panel today. Eldest? No. No, I have a small penis for sure. And it's regular. But I've seen some big wet pussies, right? Yeah. And I think if it's too wet, you feel like there's no traction. I feel traction. You felt the traction. He didn't feel the traction. Interesting. Well, here's the thing. Here it comes. Oh, I can't get into it. Okay. Yeah.

Awesome. Get into it. Well, this person in particular doesn't like me, which makes me too wet. That's awesome. You know what I mean? You're insane. No. Oh, okay. No, that's like hilarious. Even I felt it going down my leg, and I was like, that's really wet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really wet. Just by being treated poorly. Like, I'm on...

I'm on Prozac and it's really hard for me to come. And with this person, cause he despises me. It's like four seconds. Wow. That's awesome. Yeah. He hates my whole personality. You're literally more fucked up than Ian. Yeah. How is that possible?

Good job. Good job, B. And congrats. This is big for Ian. This is a big ep for Ian. I'm in therapy now since our podcast. Really? Look at that, folks. Stop his world. Give me a time check. I could talk about my dick and pussy. And she consistently complains that it's too short. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. She's got a lot to talk about.

I made him cry. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. Good for you. Damn, congrats. Thank you so much. The magic of Stavi's world. That's right, folks. Give us a time check or else we'll talk about our genitals for like two hours in a row. We're at 47. All right, let's take some questions here with people. That's awesome. So we've got two mentally ill molested people that probably can help you guys out. Plus Ian and Jordan. Yeah.

The fucking match trick. This is awesome. Ian is sitting back more than I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, Ian's relaxed. Like, he's your gay shield, but you're his mental illness shield. Yeah.

That's why we work. It is so fucked up. It is so fucked up. Two of the most doomed people I've ever met. You should have seen it when fucking Maddie was here. It was brutal. That was a great act. The drop from a normal person to me was too much. Yeah, it was awesome. Just five minutes of us just like, is this...

She was just she just like was zoning the fuck over the course of the hour George just became more and more with It was like our first episode when you discovered your molested into the thousand miles problem

Yeah, well, folks, I'd say check that episode out on the Patreon, but you're already on the Patreon right now. You dumb bitch. You stupid whore.

saying if a priest is absolving a kid. Whatever. Right, Ian and Jordan. You know what? Is it a patron? Because I agree with her. Alright, I'll just let's fucking let's play a fucking voicemail here. Dom, I got a relationship problem.

I'm dating a bi chick. Nice. Things are going really well. But she came home the other night, and she was real, real guilty about the fact that she said she cheated on me. Now, the thing is, she cheated on me with a woman. Sure. And she's, like, devastated. She's guilty. She's really emotional about it. Like they get. And I just do not give a shit. Like, I would care very deeply if she was fucking other men.

But, like, I almost felt this wave of, like, pride in myself. Oh, my God. Like, this weird, almost fatherly pride. First in myself for being able to pull somebody who can pull some trim. But also that, like... My girl got a girlfriend. She still fucking got it, right? Like, it was a weird power couple move. So, like...

How do I console this pers- you know, my girlfriend, tell her, basically, please don't continue to roam around and just fuck wildly, and definitely don't fuck other men, but also I'm not really hurt about it. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Lie.

Be like, oh man. Just be like, was she funnier than me? Was she beautiful? Would she come over here? Yeah, that's more like it. You can't lie about this because it's going to be obvious that he doesn't care.

Yeah, I mean, that's the issue right there. He doesn't care. Like, shouldn't you care no matter who it is? No way. We recently, we covered this on our Big J episode. That's insane. That at this point might be months ago because we're so ahead. But I will admit I am as stupid as this guy where it's like, I know I should care and it is cheating, but I would be like, no.

Yeah, totally. You know what I mean? Yeah, and the fucked up part is, is that if he hooked up with a guy... Here he goes on his fucking bi mountaintop right now. Yeah. On his bi shoebox. Yeah. Yeah. Get up there. Die on that bi hill. I will. Go ahead. I'm dead, man. If she fucked up... If you fucked... It would take so much for your straight boyfriend to fuck a man. He has to go through...

so much to get there. No, but if a girl was with a guy and the guy was bi and the guy hooked up with a guy, she would not be able to get over it. She would be pissed. She would be hurt. It would be this whole different way of looking at him. She's right, though. I? No, he's fucked up. Hold on, time out. What are you arguing? First of all, Ian, is this about something? This is about me. Is this something happened? No, I'm kidding. Okay, all right. But...

Because what you just said was, nice, Ian. He lit a match, folks, listening at home. He's just farting. That's why he's doing it. He ate a whole cheese wheel. That's true. He did. I ate your wheel of cheese. Yeah, you ate my happy cow. It was so delicious. My thing. Ouch.

Next question. Okay. So, but you, but aren't we in agreement that the person should think a bi person is cheating? Isn't what he's doing more bi or I guess homophobic by being like nice? Yes.

So the girl who got cheated on by a guy, the girl whose boyfriend fucked a guy, she would be correct to be hurt. That's what we're saying. The correct thing is to be hurt because you did get cheated on. I don't think so. I disagree with both of you, but I get it. What do you think should happen? Women are fakers with the whole bi thing. Men have to go through so... Ian's third Patreon. Oh my God. All right, China. No, no, no, go ahead. Christ.

Men have to endure a lot more consequences from society in order to become bi or gay. Consequences? What are you talking about? Yes. There are legit consequences of being openly bi. You're saying it's hard to be a bi man. Yes. Yes. Women get rewarded for being bi women. Okay. Very rewarded. But that doesn't mean they're faking it. They're faking it.

They're faking it. Just because everything about you is gay and you've tried to eat pussy and you can't doesn't mean the other ones are faking it. They're... You're faking being straight. Do you know...

If I've come near a pussy as wet as mine, I will puke. You just have to find someone that hates himself as much as you hate you. That's true. Yeah. Here's the thing. You're correct. It is such a bigger stigma for men to be bi than it is for women. That's not the... Relax. No, no, no. I'm saying that it does play into this because this guy... No, no, no, no. Yeah. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Every point he makes, another ring appears on his hand. Another piece of turquoise comes up. Women, it is easier for a woman to be, if it was easier, okay, okay.

If it was more socially acceptable, more men would be bi. Everybody steals from Whole Foods because it's the easiest place to steal from. It's easier to be bisexual for a woman, so more women lie about it. You know what I mean? But that's not what we're talking about. But this lady is clearly bi. Do you know how many women I know who are like, yeah, I'm bi. And I'm like, you've only made out with a woman. She fucked a woman. We're talking about this, this, this. She's not bi.

You're so fucking dumb. The question is, my bi girlfriend fucked the girl and I don't care. And then somehow you're like, every bi girl's faking it. I don't know how you got there. That's not what this is about! Because you're jealous of them. Because you have to be fully straight. I wish that, yeah. Exactly. No, I just, okay. I just don't,

Buy it. No, I'm not spending $2.5 million. It's happening, dude. On a full moon, Jordan starts growing a mustache. I can't do it. I can't do it. No, I can't do it. All right, here's the thing. I'm just saying if my boyfriend sucked a dude's dick, right? He'd be pretty cool. I would be like, man, you're like most likely gay.

But if my girlfriend... That's also biphobic on the other end. Yes! That's the thing! Focal joke. You're hurting my career. Oh, goddammit. Okay. So, let's keep our weird personal agendas out of this. I might have to take this one. Jordan is jealous of bi girls. Ian wants to take this as a point to be like, I'm not gay, I'm bi! So let's just both... I am gay, kind of!

There is a stigma against bi men.

If this was a fucking guy that fucked another guy, the girl would be pissed and we'd all be like, dude, he's a fag. We'd just be with fucking men, blah, blah. But the girl would say, and we're like, this chick's cool. We're not. Good job. You legit said that if you were this guy, you'd be like, cool. And what did I preface that with? That that would be the wrong opinion. So if women fuck a woman, we assume, eh, they're straight. If men fuck a man, we assume, eh, they're gay. That is more prejudice towards my man. Who is we? Who is we?

I say they're bi. And my mom's. As much as I like, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. You were raised by. You call me a gay man all the time. Because it makes you upset and I love to watch you squirm. I actually do think you're bisexual. I'm being a fucking, I'm fucking with you. Well, I appreciate that. And thank you.

seen me. You're a good man. It's just fun to say you're actually gay and you're pretending by being bi. That's a fun thing to tell you. And it's a fun thing to try over and over and over. And I can't wait to be there when you finally marry a man. And you're like, it just so happened to blend. Have you been listening to me and my therapist every Tuesday?

But that's okay. Ian, I've dated women who are, like, that's the other thing. There's also, like, shades of this, right? Totally. There's women who, like, just want to hook up with girls but won't marry, will end up with a man. And there's the opposite where it's, like, guys who will hook up with girls and guys and end up with a guy. Like, it happens, right? Yeah.

Anyway, to answer this fucking moron's question. There's straight people and then there's just, you know, unnatural TV engineers. I think that's misogyny where you look at women and you go, oh, you're not this enough. Oh, they're just doing it for attention or whatever. It's like, no, there's shades of it. Some women. You're just trying to get attention. No, you are a misogynist. You hate women. You're so fucking stupid, Joanna. No, I am not.

You were literally making Ian the not dumbest person on a podcast somehow. All this gay stuff. Amen.

I don't believe in any of it. This is the first time I get the dynamic. I always thought you're both funny and shit up, but this is like, oh. This is when they transcend. When it's like, I've never seen you play in the retarded mud like this, Jordan. Were you making it look like an intellectual? I'm in the mud. I'm in the mud. I'm in it. If you're a gay man, you're just a woman. And if you're a lesbian, you're a man.

And it's his deviation from the natural world order. And you should be punished. Ian's third Patreon. That's it. I love my moms, but they're going to hell. Okay, so...

Can we please, for the love of Christ, answer this guy's question? Speaking of Christ, what would he say about all this? Okay. This guy. Okay, so you have a couple options here, pal. I'll fuck a kid. But he's...

Anyway, wouldn't it be cool to grab a child's head and shove it in your pussy? Yes.

Would a sociopath have empathy? Tell this woman to call me. I'll give her a punishment. Okay, so returning finally to this man's question. I think what you can do here... All right, so definitely say you don't want this to be a... Recurring thing. Don't be recurring. You feel bad about it. You can even admit, like, I have to be honest, like, this would... It would affect me more if...

If you cheated on me with a man, don't say she didn't cheat on you. Say she cheated because she feels that way. You don't want to completely invalidate. You're in a weird position because technically she did the bad thing, but if you play this wrong, she could like Uno reverse it on you. Now that she cheated on you, but now you're insensitive, it could be weird. If you're like, nice, can I fuck her? You know what I mean? You could really blow this up.

You can only do it if I smell your fingers. Having said that, there is a home run swing you could take here. Yeah. Where he describes this weird fatherly pride that I'm with someone who's able to pull. Well, now we're talking. He could say, yeah, he could say, like, I recognize this thing in myself that

I like being in this specific dynamic of a relationship where I actually get a sexual thrill out of you seducing another woman. Like, I... If that's how you feel... She will break a glass. She will break a plate. That's what I would do. But here's the thing. If he... If he couches it in, like, like...

sexual enlightenment. You know, like a manipulative way. No, no, no. Not manipulative. If he cashed in like sexual enlightenment language. She will see it as you want to fuck other women, I promise. But he's also, but here's the thing. I'm actually taking him at his word here. He's not talking about, he's not talking about it was hot to me because I want to fuck a girl with my girl. I'm not telling you what he believes. I'm saying as a woman, she will be like, you want to fuck other women and she will break a cup.

First of all, she cheated on him. She's not cup-breaking capacity. Let's make a bet. You go to her and you say, I find it erotic, the idea of you sleeping with other women. I would like to watch that in some capacity. I'm not even saying that. I'm saying he's... By the way, I said it's a home-run swing. It's a home-run swing. Which means he's probably going to strike. You're swinging for the fences. You're swinging for the fences. You're not getting...

It's not the smart move. That's not how you get on base. You know what I mean? I'm just saying the foul ball is going to be a window. Yeah, yeah. Or he swings and he fucking hits his own head with the fucking bat. But if this... And I'm not saying this is her thing. I'm not saying that she's necessarily... This is also a little biphobic where it's like anyone who's bi is also a fucking freak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the other thing where it's like, oh, she'll be into that weird poly shit, you know? Freak of nature. But there is a home...

There is a home run swing you could take here and describe this specific weird feeling. And maybe you're like, and I don't even necessarily want to do it, but it's like maybe it could be a little role play. It could be a kink, right? Of like, pretend she fucked another woman. You know what I mean? Or like, tell him stories. There's women who want you to tell stories about times you fucked other girls. That's kind of weird to me, but if that's your thing, that's your thing.

He could swing for the feds this year, and it could be his entry point into potentially fucking other girls. Right, but he's also saying, how do I tell her, don't continue to roam around, and definitely don't fuck other men, but I'm also not really hurt. Can I tell you what I would say? Can I tell you the honest truth? This is what I would say. I would say, listen, it really hurts me that you cheated on me, but the truth is, when I pictured it, my brain pictured it, and I imagined you and this woman having sex, and I popped a little bit of a chub.

And I felt guilty for feeling that way. So that's why I don't seem as remorseful. But but it does really hurt me that you cheated on me. And she goes and then she goes, you popped a job, huh? Then you're in. I like that, too. But if she goes, oh, I get it. I see. But you are upset. Then what she wants is the jealousy and play that. OK, that's that's a more measured approach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm highly manipulative. Yeah. Again, it's not manipulative, though, because that is how he feels, isn't it?

That's exactly how he feels. He's not upset that I cheated at all. Oh, I see. You're right. But you say I was upset? You almost have to say you're upset for her. Yes, you have to. It's fucked up that he would care deeply if it was another guy, but a woman, he doesn't.

It's fatherly in that, like, if your kid was getting bullied or something, and then he comes home and it's like, I got in trouble because I punched the kid that was bullying me. You'd be, like, happy, but you can't go straight into, like, good job, son. Good job fucking that kid up. You need to teach them manners and, you know, you have to go on basic social etiquette. So you can't come out swinging, like, you know, maybe you have...

a little tough conversation like that where you play up a little stern disappointment or something just to get that out of the way. And then, you know, maybe a day or two later, be like, I thought about it. I was really upset you cheated on me. But then you do the little homework that you're talking about. I like what Jordan said, though, because that is basically it. You're right. You can't be like, nice job fucking up that kid. Yeah.

So you can't be like, that's awesome, you ate a little pussy. But that being like, hey, this kind of made me feel, at least say it made me feel weird. It made me feel like, you know, these weird emotions. It was like, yeah, feeling aroused by it and kind of having a little shame. Yeah, involuntarily. Like, I was thinking about how much it sucked you cheated on me. And then I pictured it because that's what you do. And then I was like, oh, what's that feeling? And then that made me feel guilty. So I was like, I can't be mad.

at her if I'm popping a little bit of a chub and then you see how she responds to the chub. If she responds to the chub. I like that. Also, you...

might not consider this, but if you haven't seen a picture of the woman, the woman might look a lot like a dude. I know. She might look like you. This might just be a full cheating thing. Yeah, yeah, that's a great point. Where a dildo bigger than your dick got stuffed into your girlfriend. So maybe pause, stop imagining the porn that you're watching, and picture a dude more brolic than you with a vagina and a big dildo that has rotating shit on it. Or just like, yeah, thick workman-like fingers. Yeah.

popping the shit out of your girlfriend's pussy. In a way, you'll never be able to match because you don't have one. You don't have a vagina. You should be working with those tools forever. That's true. Great. I think we really did a very good job of answering this question. I think so too. I thought it was all biphobic. Hit us with another one, Big LD.

Hey, Stavi, this is a mofo Joe from the 3630. I appreciate your work a lot. I think you're a funny guy. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You're not afraid to be yourself, which is awesome. I love to see it. Quick bit of this for some advice here. So I'm 24 years old. I've been out of college for two years. I went to art school, got a film degree that I intend to use.

I'm building up a website now to put all my, uh, short films on. But when I got out of college, it was during, uh, COVID and there weren't lots of like, uh, film sets out. So I started working construction with my dad. So this is the advice part. I come from a family of alcoholics. Uh, my dad's brother. So my uncle is a recovering one. And, uh,

Things like that. So I always try to watch how much I drink, but my dad has like one to two beers every night. And I've slowly started to see I'm usually having one almost every night, like five out of the seven days of a week. I have like one to two like beers and I can always like switch it off like a, like on and off switch.

And my friends, because I'm like, hey, do you guys think I should worry? And they're all like, no, like, you're fine. But I just want an outsider looking in view, an objective take on my possible problem. I just, you know, I always want to be the best person that I could be, and I do not want to become an alcoholic. Yeah.

Like I said, I appreciate the show. I appreciate you. Thank you, Elvis, and have a great, great day, guys. Thanks. Yeah, listen, buddy, you're fine. Until you're starting to hide a fucking pint of vodka in your work shoe, you're okay. Shut the fuck up. You're drinking two beers a night, you fucking fag. Yeah, I know it's a patron already, so I'm letting you use it, all right? You have it, Dad. You have a job. You have a drinking problem. You got money, and you're 24. Wait until the fall of your 30s.

- You fucking loser, keep drinking. I got an eight year sober, I'm 15. - You're treating this guy, like your view of alcoholics is like, you're treating him like people treat you for being bi. This is like, you're not a full blown. Like where the hell is that? Until you're fucking driving drunk. - That really could have gone either way. I was almost picturing Ian being like, hey, listen, sweetheart. I think you just stop, just don't. Alcohol sucks.

Two drinks, why? What the fuck is the point? It's getting you nowhere. Stop. Some people like, listen, some people like it. It's stupid. Why would you have two drinks if you're not going to get completely fucked? You want to, this is where I have to. That is like insane to me. This is where we have to fucking come in and realize none of us are regular people.

Right? Like, all of us are addicts. All our friends, like, you know what I mean? Like, a lot of people, like, the way people go to church and they have a couple drinks. We're not like most people. You know what I'm saying? Like, people fucking, like, have responsibilities. They have kids. Like, so most people, I think it's pretty normal to have a drink at a church.

you know, have a drink when you're relaxing the way like you might smoke a half a joint. You know what I mean? Like some people do that. Is he calling his dad an alcoholic because of the two beers a night? No, no. His uncle is an alcoholic. Oh, it's your uncle. That's not your dad. Okay. Yeah. Stop. You guys don't know how jeans work. That's not. It's like watching. Your uncle's an alcoholic and your dad, your dad is proving that you cannot be.

No, you fucking don't. That's not how shit works at all. Your dad is just doing it as your daddy does. Wow. Ian had the dumb belt. It's like watching you trade the retard championship belt because Ian had that little jeans thing and I was like, oh, he stole it back from Jordan. And now Jordan's like, wow, I mean, if your uncle has it but your dad doesn't, you can't get it. You can't inherit that. It's like, that's not... Yeah. Your uncle and your... Anyway, I'm not... Your dad...

showing you. Showing you. You're stupid. You absolutely can have the disease that your uncle have. Your uncle can have it. Your dad can. You can. Yeah. Anyway, but more importantly, the advice portion is going to be tough with these two dunces. I'm giving good advice. I'm giving great advice. You yelled at him for not being drunk enough. Yeah,

You're doing great! Two drinks a night, you're fine! If your uncle's bald, do you think? Yes, you can get... If your uncle has fucking a sprint type of cancer, you might get it. Like, him and your... Your uncle and your dad have the same genes.

They're the same. Their parents were the same. They share the same genes. Now, if they're identical, identical twins have the exact same, but siblings share a lot of genes together. If my dad's an alcoholic, more likely I'll be one, right? Than if my uncle is. I don't know that that's... I mean, I guess. It can skip and hop around. But also, you've never seen somebody who looks like their fucking uncle or has their uncle's eyes? Of course. Yeah. Oh, of course. Of course. I think we looked it up. The alcohol...

Whatever that is. Something runs in a family. But I think it runs paternally or maternally, not laternally. Laternally? Lateral. Okay.

that's all anyway we're just going to cut all that out of the podcast when you were made god it was 4 30 on a friday let me tell you that the bacon making what is the voice for i think it goes down and not shut up no more genetics with jordan that's over the point is buddy um if you like having a beer or two i mean look i get the i get the worry and yes

The most, the most like useful advice for your life is probably like, realistically, alcohol doesn't do anything good other than kind of relax you a little bit. And you're probably just better off not having any. But if, if this is just something you're worried about, you're not guaranteed to have that gene, right? Also, the other thing is addiction, you might have an addiction gene for something else. Like my, it's so, like I talk about my, my mom a lot. Cause like

My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. And so she was always worried about us drinking. She wouldn't drink that much because she was scared that would happen. But she never considered food. Yeah. And like my mom has a food addiction. I clearly have a food addiction. Like my brother had other substance abuse a little bit like here and there.

None of us booze. Maybe one brother booze was a little bit of a problem, but for my mom and me, we definitely got the addiction gene, but it was food. Addiction can pop up in a lot of different ways and a lot of different stuff. It's good that this is on your radar, but if you're in a place where you have one to two beers a night and you're just kind of chilling out...

and it's not fucking your life up, and you don't feel the need to drink more, you're probably fine. It's good that you're monitoring it, and it's good that your uncle's in recovery, and you know how to get out of it. So I would just continue to monitor it a little bit, and just do what you want. And if you want to be super duper safe, don't drink. And can I just say, like...

Why though? Like if you're recognizing you're feeling this way, what is even the point of having one or two at night? Because it's really hard to date as a 24 year old without a couple drinks. It is. That is true. I know, but why are you just going to drink one or two and then stop?

Don't tell him to get blasted. No, no. Just don't. Some people it's like dessert. There is a utility to that. It's kind of nice. I really am a... I don't drink much anymore. It's not a problem for me. So when I do drink, I really do have one or two and I get kind of buzzed and it feels okay. It feels kind of nice. When you're out with friends, you just have a couple glasses of wine, that's nice. You just feel good and you're not hungover. It's kind of nice. That's the answer. You can't... You're addict...

brain can't fathom having two drinks but again that's not real hey one or two a night my attic brain is like maybe I could just do one my turn just one or two a night yeah that's what I call alcohol abuse

That's what we had to shush Jordan for. What does that even fucking mean? I always get shushed. Because you're only having one or two. Every time you shush, it's a curse on a joke. That's your problem. What? Every time you shush, it's a curse on your joke. That's true. You don't realize that. You always are on the podcast. You're like, why did that bomb? I like it. And I'm like, because you made the room go silent. It's like if every stand-up joke, you're like, everybody.

But that, I think that that's fun. I like that. Yeah. That's the fun of it. To go shush, shush, and then bomb. That's funny to me. You really thought that was funny and don't lie to us. You thought that was clever. I don't see how personally that you could, but you did. I think it was clever. Jordan's a retard, right? Yeah.

Back to that. Anyway, so yeah, that's what I'd say. And also, just if I could give you a little professional, like, creative advice when you're talking about building up your, you know, your thing and, like, all the film sets for COVID.

Buddy, you can start creating right the fuck now. I wouldn't wait for anything like that. If you want to be creative, you grew up, you're in a generation where a phone, like cameras are cheaper than they've ever been. You can make stuff just on a phone. You can, you know, Steven Soderbergh, a great, one of the best working directors, he films movies on iPhones. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's talk about Jordan's fucked up pussy and you eating hairy asshole, but only on girls. Yeah.

I got a fucking show to run here. I got people. I got people whose lives I'm trying to help, you fucking animal. Anyway, what were we saying about how you're definitely not gay? You said it. Definitely not. Couldn't not get attention for 45 seconds. A real straight male's trait. I'm not fully straight. I never thought I was.

I didn't even remember him saying he created stuff. Yeah, because you weren't listening. No. You were considering texting your ex. I am in Astoria. He's in Astoria. All right, LD, hit us with another one. Hi, Scott. My name is Jane, and I'm a 24-year-old female.

I wanted your opinion on something I've been dealing with since puberty. I have a lot of fat near my vagina. Some people would call it a fupa or a gunt. However, the correct term for this is a fatty mom's pubis. Essentially, my lips are normal. The vulva is normal. Everything surrounding it is just really fat. It's my biggest insecurity, quite literally.

I have a really difficult time finding clothes that look good and are comfortable, and I also have a really hard time finding a partner that finds me attractive. I've had several serious relationships, but they all ended with them not being attracted to me anymore because of this area of my body.

I also have been on plenty of dates and have been asked if I am or mistaken that I am a trans female. Whoa. I have gone to a surgeon to see if this is treatable, and it is. It will cost upwards of $10,000, which is

is something I can't afford. What should I do? I've thought about starting an OnlyFans to fund the surgery, but I'm not sure where to promote it because I don't want people that I know to know how I paid for this surgery. Stav, if you can just give me an honest opinion here, that would be amazing. Also, I joined the Patreon and I'm so glad I did. Oh good, she'll see this episode. Thank you so much for giving me two of my 12-hour work shifts. I hope you have a good one. Bye.

Great. Well, I hope you're enjoying this episode and that if fans of Ian and Jordan in your life who don't have the Patreon, maybe give them your password just for this one. Okay, this is interesting. So she, I'm guessing she's not, I'm guessing our friend here isn't like,

Plump overall. I wonder what it looks like. Yeah, it's interesting. So we're basically just talking about... I thought Elvis was going to show us his body. Elvis was like, you want to see what a fupa looks like? Yeah, yeah. He definitely has one. I love how she's like, every guy leaves me because of it. Now I'm thinking about you starting an OnlyFans. It's like, man, I doubt anyone will subscribe, honey. Well, they might. I have a lot of fat near my vagina. So you're not fat.

And your pussy just looks weird. She is fat. She is fat. There's no way she's skinny with the fat. I lost a bunch of weight and had a layer of skin cut off. Eight G's. Eight G's. That's not bad. It's not bad. A layer of skin where? On my stomach. Right there.

It was stretched out. It was stretched out. It wasn't that noticeable, but it just was... So for you. Yeah, for me. And I got it cut off huge. Oh, okay. Interesting. Scar from there to there. And it just was this like little fold. Yeah. It pissed me off. Wow.

Why don't you get it tattooed over it like it's barbed wire? Because I don't mind. That'd be cool looking. I don't mind the scar. Oh. Yeah, scars look cool. Scars tell stories. But it was the best thing I ever did. Okay. That's good perspective for our friend here. It was the best thing I ever did. Because even, no, I mean, I wasn't having nearly, nobody was like kicking me out of their bed for it. But. Maybe that had to do a little with the class of man we're dealing with. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, I'm a magician in the bedroom. I can cover every part of my body while being naked. I'll use a cat. I'll use a cat. I'll grab any fucking prop. But get it. If you're not, if you are overweight, lose weight.

because it is weird, but every time I lose weight, it is... My vagina loses weight and my feet. It's very weird. Interesting. So if you are fat, lose a lot of weight and then... Okay. And then start putting a little bit of money away every day and by the time you get skinny, cut that shit off. Cut that shit off. Well, I do think there is something to being said of like, if this is your greatest insecurity... Like, yeah. If this is your greatest insecurity and $10,000 is a lot of money, but like...

If it is and it's like that's what you know will make you happy. Now, like first you have to think, is that necessarily true? Like let's think about these. You said the long term relationships and they're not attracted to you after a while. Is that is it that true?

Is it that specific body part? I was going to say that. Is it the body part or is it because of your insecurity about the body part? Is this body part that you think is so glaring about yourself really at the forefront of everyone else's thoughts or is it something that you make yourself

become an issue and that's not necessarily a knock on you it's just i i know that if like a lot of times we're thinking about one thing on our face nobody even realizes until we say and you're walking it the guy walks in the room and you're like do you see my is it is it the pussy fat is it my fat pussy yeah yeah so you're holding yourself weird but then god forbid it doesn't fix that problem you have no not god forbid just you know

then it's another surgery. Then it's this. Right, right, right. You may have to do a lot of work. I don't agree with that. I agree with letting me finish. No, no, first of all,

You may have to work on some things first before you can. That was so odd. I mean, Drew, that was so gay. It won't make you like yourself. I do not like my body. I'm not able to be naked. I am not walking around. Oh, wow, really? No, certainly not. But you also don't like yourself. If you liked yourself more, you would like your body more, I feel, for you.

What I'm saying is now that I hate everything else still, but that specific part, I hate a little less. That's something you're still going to be an insecure person. You're still going to feel shitty. But I will say that anything extra on your body that feels like it's not you, I think should be cut off.

Cut it off. I do. And then go into the emergency room. I do. Oh, that's interesting. Make the state pay for it. Yeah. Um,

I do think there is, there isn't any, there's nothing wrong with like, if there is a surgery that will help something like, and the fact that you. The clothes thing, think about that. Yeah. So it sounds like even if she's a little overweight, I mean, we don't know what she looks like, but it sounds like either way, her pussy is fatter than the rest of her body. Yeah. That's the thing. It's proportionally she's off there and she holds more weight there than she does the rest of her body. Yes. And she doesn't, she said she doesn't have a problem finding, you know, she's found. Maybe it's a fatty tumor.

Just go to Mexico. Get that shit. It's just fat. That's how Kanye's mom died. Really? Yeah. She got Mexican plastic surgery. I don't think that you should have a surgery and think that that will be the thing that fixes you because oftentimes it's not. It's way deeper than something cosmetically fixable. And I think, you know, being okay with yourself and accepting your flaw would do you a lot worse

More good than thinking that once I get this, then I will be happy. Yes, you will be happy. That will never make you happy. I kind of agree, Ian, but like...

I mean, if like people are like making their way to the door because her pussy is so fat. I'm like, this feels like, you know, in the medical realm. But is that what it is? Is that what it is? Because she says she has serious long relationships and then they... But they say because... Now, she says specifically they end up not being attracted to me anymore because of this area of my body. Now...

This is her take on it. Right. But if someone... If multiple serious relationships have been like, hey...

Because of this, I don't want to fuck you anymore. I don't want to call her a liar, but are people really going, hey, I love everything about you, but that fat, gross fucking pussy is not doing it for me. Is that really what's happening? To Ian's point, when I'm with a guy now, I used to be really big, when I'm with a guy now, there's always a feeling of like, you never would have loved me when I was that person, and that's who I really am, right? So it's like, if you've

find somebody who loves your big fat pussy, then you'll be really happy. But if you get your pussy cut off and then find somebody who loves you, you still, I am not happy. You know what I mean? First of all, there's a thousand reasons you're not happy. A lot of times.

There is like, we haven't, your, how fat you used to be isn't even close, isn't top 10 for the shit that's fucked your life up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, so this girl might have a regular straight parents who didn't cheat on each other. Straight is better. You know, like, yeah, yeah. I'm following your logic here. Okay,

I'm just saying what you had was a hilariously sort of gay mom. Like, a very gay but also straight mom. Just fucked anything. Just a weird... Probably would have been non-binary now. Surgery's not the be-all, end-all. It's not the be-all, end-all, but... And that's something we need to start telling trans kids as well. Yeah, exactly. Anyways, next question. You know what? Now it's not a Patreon. Yes! Not only that, but now your first one's getting released. What?

That's fine. Oh, yeah, good. Good book. Gulp. Okay, so... Yeah, now look. So let's land on... Surgery's not the end-all be-all. Really think about this. Think about it if you want. But...

In a situation where it is like a weird glaring flaw that surgery can fix and it's one thing that it's worth pursuing. Now we're up against how do we get 10 G's. Try keto. Keto eats fat. Wherever it is. Let's stop talking about her losing. We're talking about. But they're fat.

She has fat in her pussy. Also, man, I can say, 24, like you're still very young. I would wait a couple years while you settle into yourself before surgery. I have a buddy of mine who got, his mom let him get a nose job when he was like 16.

16, 17 because he hated his nose, whatever. Right. Wild. So, uh, he got the nose job, whatever hates his face now because he can't see his father and him. And like, it just took him years to like accept himself. But the mom loved him so much. She was like, get the surgery. It's totally fine. Whatever. Like allow yourself to grow into yourself. The uncomfortability is going to make you a better person in the long run. Okay. And I'm sorry you haven't found anyone, but,

you know maybe everything we're saying is about trans people yeah it really is so funny he's using the nose as an allegory is it dude my mom if i don't want to be a boy she would he has no friend with a fucking nose job

Really? Who? Who? Who? Who? No, afterwards. The way I have to hear about the other guy's penis. Yeah. And I forget. But it's interesting. You agreed with me until the trans thing got brought up and then you said I was wrong, but... I didn't agree. First of all, who's agreeing with you? What? I wasn't agreeing with you until that moment. I was saying you had some... I agreed with you as a big caveat. Yeah, yeah. We both agreed with you.

I'm joking about the trans thing, but I am saying grow into yourself. I'm not joking about the trans thing. Back to Patreon. Starve your vagina. You have to lose weight in your pussy. It's not. Maybe it's a balloon down there and you just gotta pop it. He's doing his own voice. Fuck.

- Hard-earned. - You got, your vagina has fat in it. You can get rid of the fat and then you'll have skin and then it will be cheaper to remove it. - Okay, all right. - $10,000 is like both. - Shut up. - Have you ever tried putting your vagina on a treadmill? - What do you think the fat in her pussy is? What do you think that is? God's demons?

It's okay. I'm not saying it's not fat But so I was gonna say before you fuck it you guys were just yelling dumb shit over each other for 45 minutes What I was gonna say is she needs $10,000 right she doesn't have 10,000 stairs to walk She doesn't have it right that let's see some pictures of some Apparently all this a king a piece for producer eldest paniculous and

Anyway, childbirth, aging, rapid weight loss, and genetics can all contribute to fat in this area. Can we see a face?

Can I answer the fucking question, you fucking morons? Images, you Albanian piece of shit. Listen, shut the fuck up. You don't get to see an image of a fupa until I'm done talking. Fair. And if you interrupt, that's another minute you have to wait to see a fupa. Okay. I didn't say I'm on a clock, motherfucker, until I finish. That's fair. All I'm saying is...

All I'm saying is 10 G's is a while, right? I suggest, here's what you do. You start saving a little money. I wouldn't go the OnlyFans route. I would just pick up a couple extra shifts, like here and there. I don't know what to tell you. And just save a little money. Start putting it away. But in the meantime, you always have to do some kind of bit, man. In the meantime... Thank you. Thank you, Jordan. In the meantime...

Pretend my legs are Ian's. We're starting another minute. You have to wait to see a full two minutes. And by the way, act outs are five minutes. God more love now!

So my advice is while you're saving up for it, take some of Jordan's advice here. And it's like, have you tried everything you can that's non-surgical? Not from a psychological perspective like Ian's saying, but from a physical perspective like, hey, let's see what Jordan's saying. Like, can you do targeted exercise? You know what I mean? Like, can you lose weight, diet, exercise?

exercise in a specific way that strengthens the muscles like that's free compared to 10 grand right and you might just find yourself feeling better overall doing it so I would say unless unless this isn't like an overall weight loss thing and you're not overweight and just happen to have like purely like fat stored in that area you know

I would say try losing some weight while you save the 10 G's. And then if you don't like what losing weight does for you and you want the 10 G's, then get the surgery. But OnlyFans, it seems like, I don't know, it's a little extreme. It's a lot of work. We've been over this again. People think you just put a picture of your pussy on the internet and you make a lot of money. But yeah, it's a lot of work.

So I don't know that that's the answer, but... Stop paying for the Patreon. Take that $5. Put it towards surgery. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. For you, ask one of your favorite podcasters for a loan. And to answer you, no, I'm sorry. I can't give you a loan. Find a rich guy and he'll pay for it to be cut off. That is true. You could... I didn't want to just go to this, but...

Seems nice to have a sugar daddy, honestly. I would have loved to have a sugar daddy where I were a girl. Me too. You could have gotten one, Ian. Never happened. Jordan got one, but there was no money involved. She didn't have a money. She just had years of emotional problems. I paid him in my youth. And I didn't even get good SAT scores.

Show us a picture. All right, go. Let him see a picture of Fupa, Eldest. Give the kids their animal crackers for being quiet. There's not going to be any. Some of these aren't Fupas, though. Yeah, some of these are just stomach fat. That's because it doesn't exist unless you're fat. That's not necessarily true. You can have more fat in your pussy. Yeah, you can have a big pubic mound. Take out medical terms for Fupa. Just put Fupa. Yeah, hit it. Fupa pictures. Gross.

Look at that. How I got rid of my fupa. Get rid of your fupa. One of those girls. Okay, go up. That one. That TikTok. Fupa highway shoes. That's a fupa right there. Oh, there you go. She's skinny. Click that girl. That looks fucked up. That's skinny. I know, but the rest of her body is skinny. Oh, we're not going to be able to. Oh, yeah. Wow. Look at that. So it might be a thing. You doubting Thomas's. But that does look like somebody who lost a lot of weight. It's possible. Anyway. Anyway, whatever. Whatever.

I hope that was helpful. I'm sorry. This is a tough one to get good advice on with these two numbskulls. I think I gave great advice. I'm sorry. You're right. It's mostly Jordan. Yeah. Thank you. Well, I did good advice. Go to Mexico. She needs 10 Gs. How does she make 10 Gs?

You don't need 10 G's. If you run that shit off, you can get it down to a lower price. Can we stop her mic? Yeah, seriously. Interval training. Fast running, 10 jobs. Stop getting nice coffees every day. Fast running, 10 jobs. That's another thing. Cut out dairy. Okay. Let's do another fucking question here, L Dunce.

Are you putting your farts at me? No, I'm just sitting comfortably for now. I am. You're getting ready. You're getting ready. No. That's not your cock. Right there. It's that big. Yep. That's not his cock. How you doing? I grab your leg. It's that big. Let's lower the stakes a little in case this guy gets another bite. Let's do it. How you doing, stuff? How you doing, stuff? So...

I'm going on day six here and I can't locate my wallet. I just remember coming back from the bar one night and, uh,

Are you really asking me how to look for a wallet? Are you stupid? What the fuck? Okay, um... If I'm literally going to answer this question...

Was it at the bar? The way you got to the bar. Call the Uber. Even Elvis is helping you look smart today, Ian. Elvis, what the fuck, man? I only spent a lot of time for the past hour. That's crazy. Yeah, dude. Call the bar. Call the Uber you were in.

Ask your friends. The amount of time it took you to do this, you could have found your wallet if you didn't just look in your living room. I mean, if he was drunk as shit, it's probably gone. Yeah, bro. Replace all your shit, bro. Is that what you want to hear? Or look in your cold pockets. I'm getting worn down, man. I'm also. These two have really taken. I feel like a single mom whose kids got the best of her today.

I feel like I'm just like, you know what? Yeah, we can have McDonald's. Woo! I'll be able to get somebody else's wallet. Yeah, we can get McDonald's and I just pour NyQuil into your sodas so you'll fucking both pass out. Do one more. Let's get the fuck out of here. This has been a really good Patreon episode. You fuck. Is it really going to be Patreon? No, no.

Because I was about to say something. They might. Hey, Sabi. Calling in from Baltimore. There we go. I have a question that I think would be perfect to answer for the sake of brevity. I'm getting a phone charger out of my boyfriend's work bag or whatever, and I found a condom in there. Oof. We've been together for like two years. I take birth control, so we don't really use condoms.

Oh my god. Are you fucking kidding? What's the skin color? Jordan, shut the fuck up.

Oh, God damn, dude. Babe, come on. I blow balloon animals with it. It's better. You know I volunteer give sex at it. Yeah. Back off at the office with it. It's easier cleanup. I mean...

Jacks off with a condom on is like... There's so many excuses. Even if he wasn't cheating, I mean, he is, but, like, you should... If you could forgive him for the cheating, you should not forgive him for insulting your intelligence like this. May I say I have jacked off in the condoms on a long drive to keep me awake. Maybe he's just driving a lot at night. What the fuck? Why did you put the condom on? You're not going to bust on yourself while you're driving your Toyota Camry.

What are you going to drive, bus, and get into a coffee mug? No. I've jerked off while driving. You have to take the whole pants halfway down. It's embarrassing. I've jerked off in the condom in middle school. Middle school, yes. He's got a right to development. The car thing is interesting. Yeah, this is insane. If you jerk off and you're like, oh, a condom. All right. But this man went out and loaded up. What are we talking about? He's fucking lying. He's cheating on your ass.

Cheating on that ass. Motherfucking jacking off into a condom. No, no, no, no, no. It's bullshit. We don't do black boys. We don't do black boys. And it's a Patreon again. Is it? Because what you said about the surgery stuff is obligable to trans people. Work on yourself and things will be all right, kids. So you don't think anyone should be trans? Please come with somebody before you change your gender. What? Never said that. Huh? What? Nothing. Anyway.

I'm really sorry that you deserve a real answer to this, my friend, and I'm sorry these two buffoons are here. What? He gave you a real answer. He's cheating. I said benefit of the doubt. He's doing late night drive. There's no benefit of the doubt, and you did need to do the audio version of blackface for this question. Well, fuck you mean, motherfucker.

All right. I'm sorry. That was a black man that came in. He's hooking up with Ian after this. Oh, and during. Oh, my God. Sure. I'm. Yeah.

You're right Ian, good job. Okay, sorry. This feels like it was like Halloween at a hospital and like a doctor dressed as Spider-Man tells you you have cancer. Because it's like we're telling this woman her boyfriend's getting cheated on and everyone's like, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like all loopy and shit.

So anyway, sorry. He's absolutely cheating. No one jacks off with a condom. It's insane he would say that. I mean, I guess he had to say something. And I've definitely...

When you're confronted with something, I've said some really stupid things in the past, but he's definitely cheating. No one jacks off with a condom. Have you ever seen him jack off with a condom? Have you ever found condoms in your house? Can I say? Have you found condom wrappers? Have you ever had any... Can I say? Maybe if I finish my fucking sentence, you cocksucker. But it's over now. What if...

Go ahead. No, go ahead. Let's see what this awesome point is. Well, what if something else is going on and he's embarrassed? What if he likes to shove a dildo up his ass and he puts the condom on the dildo so he doesn't have to put the dildo through the dishwasher and that's what's going on. So instead, he just says he jerks off on the condom because some people have done that when they lived with their mom in Delaware. Are you going to fart on me? Stop.

That's a really good point, Ian. You've never heard of someone putting a condom on a dildo or something. It's in his work bag. It's in his work bag. He fucks somebody with his ego sword and then fucks somebody. We get it. You're not gay. You're sort of gay, Ian, and you've done that before. He's preparing to jerk off? No. If there's a condom there,

Maybe he jerks off into it, but he's not being like, I'm time to go to work. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? Ian might be right. Did you find the dildo in his work bag too? I'm sorry. I take it back, Ian. He's at work and makes a day of it. What I'm saying is I'm just playing devil's advocate. For the most part. Oh, my God. Listen. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry you're getting cheated on, and this is the episode we played this question.

All right. Well, that does it for this fucking show. Thank you to our loyal Patreon subscribers. We're the only people listening. Maybe we'll actually release this on the Albanian supremacy tier that only has about like 40 subscribers. On the $10 tier. I'll see you next week, bro.

Thank you, I guess, to Jordan and Ian for being here. You're welcome. Thanks for listening, guys. 904-800-STOP. Don't listen to their podcast. Don't follow them. But if you don't want to listen to it, what it is is being Ian. With Jordan. And guess what? Just the way it was on this show, on our show, we're always on fire.

Yeah, so, oh, that's a really good pitch. If you want more of this... Shit! Yeah, guys. Loyal listeners of Stavi's World who like this show, if this episode, if this was the one you really liked, good news, you can find a lot of this energy at beanin.com.

With Jordan. With Jordan. Awesome name. Rolls off the tongue. Patreon.com slash P&E and pop. See you guys. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.