#29 - Joe List
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Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. Fuckin', what's the number again? 900? No, 900's the ones where you have phone sex on. 904. 904-800-STOV. Damn, I'm bad at this. Sorry, I got the dentist. Can you tell that this part of my face is kinda...

Well, your mouth seemed fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were doing like an Elvis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say something, but I thought you had a stroke, and I didn't want to embarrass you. I'm getting that fat where I'm just having strokes now. I'm doing the Rick Ross, having a stroke on a plane every time. Yeah, you look a little like, hey. Hey, girl. What happened? Just...

fillings. I had some cavities and they numbed me up. Oh, wow. So I'm trying to take care of myself. Amazing that you go and get fillings and then do a podcast. If I get a filling, I shut it down for like the day. Not here at Stavi's World. We're ready to go. We got to solve the people's problems, Joe. Wow. Yeah. You know, we're pros. What can I say? And we're so happy. We're thrilled that

to have my buddy, one of my best friends, Joe List in the building on the free episode. Yeah. As he made very clear he was expecting it to be this time. Yeah. And he deserves it. He helped out the company early on when we were just a struggling small business. One Greek man with a dream and his uneducated Albanian friend.

And Joe's on the shoulders of giants like Joe with the Patreon. We've been able to build up. Stobby's World is doing very well now, and we're trying to pay it back and get our friend Joe a free episode. Thank you. Yeah, you fucked me. By the way, I thought you texted me because I did. Here's the scenario. You know, Sagalow and Phoenix podcast. Yes, yes, yes. And I just went on like a four-minute rant about what a piece of shit you are.

Because I was like, I did a show. He put me on the Patreon. I was like, this better not be a fucking Patreon. Don't Stavros me. And then I did it. Okay, motherfucker. All right, you want to talk about Patreons and who put who when? When I was struggling, you were like, come do Tuesdays with Stories. I was thrilled. One of my favorite podcasts. You found an email I sent you as an open biker. Thrill of my life. I think I was the first Patreon. We don't do guests.

on Tuesdays with Stories and maybe 40 people listened to it. And then you blew up after that. Look how well you're doing. Five years later. You're doing better than us.

better than me anyways and that was we don't have guests you have guests you could have put me on and we said we're gonna have you on for the Patreon we made it clear I'm sorry I didn't know it's stealthing you know that term I don't know well you take the condom off you take the condom off is that what I did you did you stealthed me so a free episode is is condom sex but Patreon is getting raw dogged yes I nutted inside you without your permission yeah you're problematic it's alright

It's whatever. I like you. But yeah, thank you. Thank you, world. Thanks to the 11 people that watched the last one. No, we didn't. People try to twist it. They go, well, that's because he thinks you'll bring people to the Patreon. It was really just because I wanted a couple good episodes. Like, we didn't plan it out. Don't look at me. I'm just a producer. No, he's a producer. This guy's got real opinions. He's pointing at you and winking behind the screen. He's like...

Well, let's solidify that this will be a free episode because this, you're also, this is a, this is a beautiful episode to be on. Advertising some plugs up top. Go see Joe. Check out his YouTube. Got a couple great specials on there. Gonna release another one later this year. You wanna be a part of it, folks. Isn't that right, Joey? Yeah, coming soon. It's gonna be called Enough for Everybody. It's a great special shot at the Village Underground. There's one on there called This Year's Material. Go watch that. We just passed two million views. Ooh.

There's another one that just hit 9 million views. Oh, look at this motherfucker. Subscribe to my YouTube and then go to ComedianJoeList.com for dates. I'm coming to Providence. I'm coming to...

Fucking, what do you call it? Portland Helium. Hell yeah. Dallas Improv. Those are awesome clubs. Nashville Zanies. Those are fucking bangers. Yeah, Helium Philly coming up. Yeah, and we also realized we've never plugged a single road date on this podcast, which is a grave mistake. So I don't know why I haven't done that. But we just shot our special couple...

Coming out later in the fall I think you guys are going to really like it I'm pumped for you to see it But until then I'm coming to London and Amsterdam in September Before I go to my cousin's wedding in Greece So I'm doing a little Euro tour And then we got a lot of great stuff coming up in the fall Go to Stavi.biz We got fucking a huge show in New York at the Beacon Theater We got Philadelphia Coming through Cleveland I really need you to buy tickets

That's the one market that's really not perking up. So Cleveland, I don't know what I've done to you in the past. I apologize for whatever it is. But buy some tickets and come through Ohio, Florida, all those places. Stavi.biz. The boys going on tour. Eldis will be there. Come say what's up to Eldis. That's right. He's much more accessible than I am at these shows.

Give me any drugs you want to give Stav. Yeah, exactly. Tell me any creative projects you think Stav would be great in. Tell me about your podcast that you think Stav would be a great guest on.

The Albanian filter Sula. That's what we call him, folks. So, yeah, come out and see us. And, yeah, I'm just, we haven't quite figured out how to transition out of advertisements yet, but maybe a sip of liquid death will put me on the right path to starting a great, hilarious podcast. You know, you and I were in Cleveland together one time. Ah.

with Bobby. You were with Bobby. That's right. And we went to Mama Santa's. That's right. I'm obsessed with Mama Santa's. Great Italian restaurant. And then you guys went and got like Thai food beforehand. And it was like a big plan. Like I had planned this thing. It really was. I was like, you guys got to see it. Yeah, you were talking up big time. Yeah. And then you guys were like, we just went and had Pad Thai. Pad Thai.

And then you're like, well, we'll do it. And then you guys ate. It was like a bang-bang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a classic touring with Bobby moment for me. Yeah. You were a little hurt because you were so big on Mama Santa's, and you were building up the meal quite a bit. But we were a little peckish beforehand.

Yes, you went, had a big lunch. So for the lunch. But we, you got to say, we had plenty of Italian food. Oh yeah, you did. It didn't stop. No, it was great. Yeah, I remember that. That happened before when I went, the first time I ever opened for anyone outside of, outside of DC or Baltimore was when Bobby took me and our boy Chris Scopo on the road to Boston and we had...

I ate so much food. It was like, it was fucking, I felt like, it was like he was Denzel in Training Day. And I was fucking Ethan Hawke, but instead of like, you know, angel dust, he got, I was eating cannolis. He took me to the fucking, went to the North End, have a big Italian lunch at the place he, him and Gary Goldman were waiters at, I believe. There was some restaurant. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. And we had that big ass lunch. We have, uh,

at a place right around the corner. We get, you know, that Boston roast beef sandwich, the Kelly's. Kelly's roast beef. I always liked Mike's better. With fried clam strips and a roast beef. And dude, it was like, I was dying. It was fucking insane. I felt so bad. My stomach was killing me. I was just in pain, but I was like, wow, show business, baby. I was like, I'm really doing it. This is comedy. Yeah.

What a time. It was very fun. Smoked cigars, of course. Just doing everything. Like, my body was just in shock. Yeah. I was just hanging out with Bobby for eight hours. But a beautiful time. But look at him now. Yeah. Bobby's ripped. I know.

He's like fucking stacked. Yeah, he looks awesome. He looks handsome. His skin is nice. Yeah, he always had nice skin. Yeah, I guess so. Great lips. Best lips in the biz. Great lips. Yours are crooked right now, but decent. The bottom one's better than the top. I got a thin top lip. Yeah. My bottom one could suck a little dick. My bottom one will juggle a clit no problem. Blah, blah, blah.

we'll bobble it. The majority of white men, if you look on TV, have zero upper lip. Like, look at like Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather. There hasn't been an upper lip on a newscaster since 1941. That's honestly the one, it's so funny that the one part of my body I'm self-conscious about is my upper lip. Is that right? Yeah, I wish it was fuller. That's the one part? I can give you ten more, quick. I know, I know. Those ears are fucking whacked up. Wears?

Your ears, it's like they flatten out straight. It's like a stage. What's wrong with this? I'll just get a close-up on my ears. Okay, never even thought about my ears. It's attached. Wow, I thought you were going to go straight to fat, and I'm ready for that. But I wasn't ready for ears. The fat is adorable. That's lovable. The hair is atrocious. No.

The ears are garbage. The feet are wide. Feet are too wide. I got the Fred Flintstones for sure. Just a mess. But yeah, I wish I had a big... I honestly wish I had DSLs, dude. That would be awesome. I would get DS... I guess first thing I'd do, obviously, a couple extra inches of penis. If I can't do that, I would get lips.

Before like making myself not fat. I think it'd be funny to have juicy lips. Everyone's doing something now. Filler and what's the Botox. Everybody's getting Botox. They're getting the crow's feet taken out. Men are doing this? Men are doing this shit now too. Yeah. Huh. I think maybe one or two. I don't know. The guys you hook up with? I'm mad at the. What? Put it on the Patreon. I can't have this on YouTube. That was a secret.

You're getting sucked off by guys at a med spa. They're just doing a little Botox to themselves. That's cute, man. My wife, Sarah, you know. Yes, of course. Sarah Talamage. She pulled up. I go to, I have an Equinox membership. I'm doing pretty well. I don't want you to say you're not. And I steam a lot. I go to the steam room and then Sarah pulled up an article from like whatever website and was like, it says Equinox men just fuck in the steam room all the time. 100%.

And I've never seen it. And I felt like, oh, am I just like a dork that's ruining all the orgies? People are so mad when you come in. Like everyone's just like, oh, hey, hey, what's up, man? And I'm like, hey. You've never even seen like a guy like make, no one's ever kind of even looked at your dick or anything like that? No. Well, I had one. I went to the one. I have the membership, across the board membership. Oh, wow. You are doing well. National. Wow.

Yeah, I can go in San Fran if I want to. Interesting. You would choose San Fran immediately. I can go to the one in the Castro. I can go to the one in Chelsea, the Village. Hopefully they build one in Provincetown. I'll be able to go down there.

But I was at the one in Union Square, just north of Union Square. And there was a guy, my lock, I got all fucked. I couldn't get in my lock. It doesn't matter. I couldn't get the locker open. And so I asked a guy and he was Twinkish. And he's like, yeah. He's like, I never see you here. Are you new or anything?

like that and I felt a vibe of like oh okay feeling you out yeah I got a little I got a little energy because you have a nice penis right it's herpes ridden but it looks nice it's got herpes and a thumbprint on it from masturbating because I masturbated with my fingers and thumb with no lube for most of my life yeah and so there's like a brown like thumbprint and I told you when I went to the STD clinic when I first had herpes it was like a Russian lady and she was like what is this confusion from masturbation wow

And I had to be like, yeah, yeah. It's a contusion from masturbation. That's really interesting that it's like a groove on an old chair. Yeah, yeah. It's like just, there's a patina on your penis. Yeah, I mean, I'll show it to you after the pot or in the middle of it, whatever you want to do. Well, DeStefano did pull his balls out. Oh, is that right? Yeah, on the Patreon. Patreon? Chris D was Patreon? Yeah, see?

Equal opportunity around here. Who the fuck's on the regular episodes? Well, whoever. It's, you know, we don't plan it out. All right. Yeah. Very suspicious. What's suspicious about it? I just heard. That's all. We go back a ways.

You're on it now, motherfucker. Yeah, you're goddamn right. This thing's straight to the top. Six figures. Easy. Easy. First day. Easy money, dude. But yeah. So yeah, no, no one's ever tried to fuck me. But I think I exude straightness. I can see that. Yeah. I think the outfit, the dressing. Yeah. But you're naked in the sauna, right? Yeah, but I think, I don't know. How covered are you? I got a wedding ring on.

Maybe. I see. That's something. Still, I bet you there's plenty of guys wearing rings on going for a quick suck off to clear their minds. I guess so. I'd suck someone off in a steam room. If it's steamy enough, you can't really see. I think if you can't see, it's just, oh, it's a pussy. It's a long pussy. It's a big, long, hard pussy. The way I like. Just like Mama used to make. Yeah.

Pussy has balls on it. I don't know. A steamer, would you get a little weird? Would you hand job somebody? I don't know that I would hand job someone, but I could easily be talked into getting jacked off. Yeah. Easily. Nice, like a working man's mitt. No, I need soft hands. Like a callous construction hand. Fuck it. Move on.

No, I need soft. I need very well-moisturized hands. And again, like you said, it's steamy in there. It's kind of an otherworldly experience. That's the thing. Your breathing's off. You feel kind of lightheaded. It might feel kind of nice to bust a nut in that extreme temperature. I think so. And then you're just so like, oh. Yeah. Thank you, Bill. That's what I don't get about the happy ending in a massage. Shouldn't you get jacked off at the beginning?

What makes you more comfortable and ready to get massaged than a free nut? Great point. Because you've got to be thinking about it. You know what I mean? You've got to be thinking about the ending. I'd rather have that part. I'm never more relaxed than right after I beat off. Yeah, nice happy beginning. Happy beginning, yeah. Shark me off and rub my shoulder blades, you fucking cunt. Amen, brother.

Amen. Have you ever done that? Have you ever gone to a massage parlor? I've never gotten the rub and tug thing. I've gone to a massage parlor in Astoria because I had like a sore shoulder or whatever. And then in my mind, I felt the awkwardness of like, is this a rub and tug thing? But I don't think it was. That happened to me once where it was like,

Somebody was like just too... It was a legit place, you know, had legit reviews. But the massage just wasn't that good. And the lady kept kind of climbing the table. Kind of massaging one shoulder but kind of straddling the other. Kind of putting her pussy on my other shoulder. And I had prepared myself mentally. I was like, well...

I guess I'm getting jacked off. Right. And it just didn't happen. So I was like, well, then what is this? Just like a kind of horny massage? Or should I, was there some code that I didn't know? Yeah. It's hard to know. And then also, you don't know what they're going to look like either. So they could come in, it could look like your mother. And then you're like, ah, jeez. I don't want to hand you off to my mother again. Yeah.

What is this, Christmas 98 all over again? She forgot to get fucking Tickle Me Elmo, so she jacked me off to make up for it.

For all you young comics out there, just throw again on at the end of a sentence. You're racist, baby. Don't give out all those secrets out for free. The secret sauce. A journalist teaches master class, comedy master class. Yeah, because I've had friends who definitely, that was their thing for a while. They were like, yeah, sometimes they're ugly. And I'm like, well, then what's the point? Yeah, you want something to look at. Yeah.

I don't know. I would love just a regular, maybe I should just start beating off before massages and go to like real places but just beat off right before. That's not bad. I'll just jerk you off. I don't want Elvis to jerk me off.

There's no way. I do have soft hands. You do have. You've never worked a day in your life. I've never worked a day of honest work in my life. I'm a desk lackey, baby. That's true. Honestly, between the three of us, I probably would rather, I guess you. Are you kidding? Thank you. Well, I got some calluses. I mean, I go, you know, I work out a little bit. Yeah, they're pretty soft. They're not bad. Yeah. I mean, I did some roofing work, but it was, you know, 20 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Eldest never even did that. What's the most... Yeah, truly, out of all of us, I worked at a machine shop. I worked for my dad for a little bit. I worked at Sherwin-Williams, the paint store, for a while. You've never even sort of done manual labor. Bagging groceries a giant. I exercised for three months at a time twice in my life.

So I got a little callous. That's what you're saying. And yeah, I was well, I was the card boy at Giants. So that was pretty physical. Like I would drench through my fucking polo shirt like every day this summer. Right. But did you have any mentally handicapped co-workers? Oh, my God. You did? Yeah. There's this like older black dude who is probably like late 30s, early 40s. But he was just a big drunk. He would like go off for hours at a time during like his six hour shifts.

He had this Russian girlfriend who pulled up in like a convertible, also just really drunk. Sometimes my sister would pick me up. He would ask me, what's up with your sister? What was his job? He was a cart boy as well? I don't even know. I love that you're like, did you have any mentally handicapped? And you're like, well, we had one black guy.

I'm like, what? I thought he was about to be... No, I'm not saying it's anonymous, Steve. I'm just adding some color to the story here. You're suspect. He was kind of retarded. What are we talking about? Yeah, I think he was... Drunk, touched. He was very drunk. I'm not sure if he was homeless or not, but he was definitely crazy. But he worked at Giant. Yes, he worked at Giant.

He got slaps on the wrist a few times while I worked there because he would go off and just disappear during his shift. That's awesome. One time I was there on like a Sunday. It was his day off, and he wasn't even working. He looked like Richard Pryor from Brewster's Millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just dressing like a baseball cap and some off-brand jersey and shit. He had a jersey on? Yeah.

Some, like, baseball jersey or something. And just some jeans. Did it work at the grocery store? No, no, this is day off. Oh, it was day off. Wow. But he was like, hey, give me a couple of the, you know, the clear trash bags that we kept outside and shit. And we had, like, these piles of mulch. Some, like...

Old lady like pulled up with her car and he was like here help me out with these and he was like taking these bags of mulch putting it because it was like the last of the pile. He was selling mulch? He like made a black market deal on this mulch. That's amazing. I just sold it to this lady for like 20 bucks and gave her like 10 big ass bags of mulch for free and I was like I knew what was going on but I was like okay sure whatever. Yeah come on no snitching.

Respect, dude. It was awesome. A street hustler. I think his name was Ricky. Shout out to Ricky. Ricky. Never a good Ricky. Whether white or black, they're weird always. Oh, Ricky Henderson. True. He was cool. One of the greats. Yeah. I think personally, like a Rick...

Ricky Velez? I guess I like Ricky too, yeah. You got me there. The last time, because we had Dave Temple on and he had a weird stepfather named Ricky who just kind of fucked his mom and didn't do much around the house. No, I do agree that Ricky's not a great name. It's a not, if you had to, like I don't know, Ricky's aren't probably, I'd love the statistics on who's a father that sticks around and I bet you Ricky's a name of like deadbeat fathers more than like Bob.

Or like Joe, for example. Yeah, I can see that. Ricky. Yeah. You ever have any mentally challenged co-workers? That's a good question. Not...

I mean, there's comedians that are a little off, for sure. Definitely. But no, not really. Boy, I'm thinking. I mean, I haven't had a job in a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roofer, we had roofer. I did a little roofing. I worked at FYE, Record Town CD place. And then I worked, I bartended. I was a young bartender. I was an underage bartender at a cop bar. You would have loved it.

I know you love the cops. Yes. We talked about this last time. Yes, that's right. That was, oh, did we? We did. I don't even remember. I blacked it out. I would have watched it, but I can't afford to. I can't afford to review it.

Yeah, I did that. And then I did some framework for my girlfriend's uncle. Nice. And then I quit the job by saying my grandfather died, so I couldn't come into work that day. And then I just never went back. And she lived upstairs in his bit. Like, he owned the apartment. And I would just have to walk by his house and be like, ah, grandpa. That's what really affected me. For months, I can't get over my grandpa. Got me all fucked up.

But yeah, I did a bunch of work. Yeah, quitting feels awesome. Quitting a shitty job feels so fucking good. I worked at Filene's also, the department store. And one time, this is the best, I pulled into the parking lot and got out with my tie and name tag. And I just did like a...

I can't. And I got back in the car and left. And I was telling my buddy, I was like, he's like, you did all the hardest part. The hard part of working is waking up, putting on the tie and driving there. Yeah. Doing the shitty job. I'm not going in there. Yeah. Respect though, dude. Yeah. And you never went back to Filene's? No. Yeah. But, you know. I loved quitting Blockbuster. I loved quitting Warcraft.

My job is a paralegal. Well, I got fired from that. Paralegal? I was a paralegal. Wow. I got fired because I just didn't do any work for six months. Right. That was pretty fun. But yeah, I guess I got fired one time from my... I worked the front desk at the leasing office at my college. They had college...

on campus, like, better apartments for seniors and shit like that. And then we had a leasing office and I was supposed to work the Super Bowl and I just didn't. I was like, oh, I'm not working on the Super Bowl. And so... And I lived next door to the fucking thing. So I was just, like, looking at people, like, knocking on the door and I was like...

"Ah, I'm not doing it." And then I just went into work and I was like, instead of, and my boss was mad at me, but he, I guess he had assumed I forgot and I was like, "You know what? I'm gonna be a man and I'm going to admit." I was like,

I got to be honest, man, it was the Superbowl and I just kind of wanted to watch it. And he was like, Oh, it went from like forgiveness to being like, I assumed you had, it just slipped your mind, but you made a conscious decision to not come in. And then he made me basically, he was like, why don't you, uh,

He typed up a resignation letter for me. Oh, wow. And he was like, just sign this. I don't want to have to fire you. We like you. Because that's the thing. I don't know if you felt this way. When you were at those shitty jobs, you were so entertaining because you had no outlet for... You were the clown in the office because you wanted people to like you before stand-up popped off or anything like that. So they all loved me. And then they were just like, just sign this. Yeah, I don't think I was as fun. I was like...

introverted and shut down because I hated it. Like, I was a bartender and it was all... I was like 19 and gay. They're calling you gay. Yeah, everyone was like cops. Like, get out of the way. And I was like, okay. Yes, sir. Yeah, so I don't... I wasn't having a great time. And drunk. You were drunk as hell probably that part of your life, right? Oh, yeah. When you had all those jobs? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a fucking mess. Going to Filene's just...

I worked at Sears and I drank. I tried to do this as a bit for a while. I would smoke weed and drink. And I remember telling people, and they'd be like, wow, I want that job. And I'm like, well, I'm not allowed to smoke and drink. You can smoke and drink at any job. Yeah, yeah.

It's not like Sears is like, yeah, yeah, get all fucked up. Don't worry about it. I was like, yeah, I'm just a piece of shit. I'm just a bad employee at a horrible job. Like, you want a job where there is no stakes. Right. And it doesn't pay well, so they're like, who cares? Yeah. It's not like they didn't also know you were drunk. They're just like, eh. Well, my cousin was the boss. But I was great. I did loss prevention. I caught shoplifting. Oh, wow. I was a badass. I was really good at it.

You know why? Because I judge people based on look. Anyway, that's who I am. This is where your love of the police started. You were a Sears cop. Yeah, I loved it. I fucking loved it. I would call the cops all the time. We got two 14-year-olds. They look pretty poor.

I'm like, we got two underprivileged kids. Let's start a record. Yeah, they're stealing school supplies. Come out here with your nightsticks out. Oh, stop it. School supplies. They're stealing earrings. I'm like, we got two underprivileged kids stealing Jabot jeans. Get down here. They want to look stylish so they don't get beat up by the other kids. Let's get them in the slammer. Put them in that clink where they belong. No, I loved it.

I fucking love this. I'd chase them for days. I'd get them. I'd kick their feet out so they land on the sidewalk. You need law and order. Fuck Sears. You were getting drunk and high. What about that law and order, you fucking piece of shit? You were bringing illegal drugs into Sears. Yeah, that's right. That's the bad guys, baby. Whatever it takes to do the job.

You can't do that sober. And look how the country's doing now without its giant corporations. We're losing corporations and we're going downhill. That's the biggest problem we're facing. We need more corporate takeovers of things. Yeah, absolutely.

That's awesome. I love that job. It was fun. And then we'd catch employees stealing cash. Throw them under their ass. You never stole from Sears? No, I never stole. I was a good boy. But I could have. I know how to steal.

From working there now, I know all the... If you guys want to rob a store... Yes, let's do it. Give back to the thieving community. Yeah, get a team. First of all, the least amount of time in the store is best. So grab and go, which people do a lot. I guess they've been hitting, what do you call it? Chanel or whatever the fuck it is. Those luxury brands. Gucci's.

But you also, I think the best way is to create a diversion. What you want is some young kids working for you, some teens or whatever, who are being really suspicious. So then you get everyone looking that way. Then you pull up, run in, just grab a rack of something and get out. Really? And there's nothing you can do. Once you're in and out. Be completely conspicuous. You don't have to be inconspicuous. Well, if you create the diversion, that's big. So just in and out is the best way. The longer you're in there, the more likely we're going to find you. Interesting. Especially if you look suspicious, if you know what I mean. Yeah.

Yeah, the Sears, like, who to bust. Suspicious things to look for. And it's just like a middle-aged black man with, like, a tie and a mustache. Just like a principal. He's holding his daughter's hands. Like this. I don't know about this.

No, our big thing was if they had a bag from a different store. A store that's not in the mall. It's a DSW. We don't have a DSW. Heads up. I see. And by the way, most of our crew was black. So people like you weren't like, wait a minute. I think you should steal from department stores. I'm on the record. It's fun. Fuck them. Don't do it in my department store. That's all I'm saying.

Don't do it. Do not do it with a drunk with something to prove working the fucking loss prevention aisle. You want to know the best? No, this, you'll love this. So what we did, they were called internals, people that work there, employees, and it would usually be young teenagers. We did a thing. This was really fun. So,

you know, the boss would be in there interrogating him, being like, how long have you been stealing? Admit it. And then in the middle of it, I was the guy, I would get up and leave and then come back in with like a manila folder with like discs in it and papers and just throw it on the table. But it was just bullshit. That's not fair. Just bullshit.

You fucking cocksuckers were doing fucking like, it was like fantasy camp being a cop. You guys would watch fucking Law and Order get fucking jacked up. It was great. I'd throw them across, they're kind of spilled out. You would just see DVDs and papers. You'd be like, what do you think about this? And the kid's like, oh, I don't know. But it was a great way to get them to admit to way more shit. Shit they probably didn't even do.

Good God, we're fucked. I did just do a show recently, a benefit for firemen. I really, the civil servants, these are the people I care about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way the Democrats used to. Right, right, right, right. Firefighters, some of the most liberal people we have. We had Rachel on here. It was hilarious just talking about how they're all big crypto guys. Oh, yeah.

Moving to Long Island. Anyway. But I did a show, a benefit for my uncle's fine department. And a guy came up and was like, yeah, you did it with Tim Dillon. How crazy is that? That was a crazy show. Yeah. Me, you, Tim. Yeah. That was fun. And then we did a naked shoot at the fine house. Yes, yes, yes. And on your family's pool table. Yes. Yeah, that was a memorable one.

But yeah, there was a kid that came up and he's like, hey, you guys busted me for shoplifting a long time ago. And he's like, it really helped me. Because my cousin would make them write out an essay, the teenagers, about why they shouldn't steal. And he's like, I had to write an essay. And he's like, but it actually really was beneficial. Did you call the cops on them or just make them write the essay? No, no. We never called the cops on teenagers. That's good. Nice, okay. Just, what do you call it? Felonies over 250, I think, or something like that. And even then, the cops did not give a fuck. They're like, we don't...

We don't give a shit. Yeah. It's funny when people will chase after, because it's like you're not legally protected when you do that. Right. And it's like, it's not your money. It's like, it's one thing to like stop them at the door. But when like you saw those people that were like, like some guy killed, some guy who was in loss prevention, like killed someone who stole. Yeah. And they were just like. Hero. It's like. Yeah.

Yeah, Joe's going to go patrol outside of a Target with an AR-15 just to make sure. But yeah, and it's just fucking wild. But that's good. You set that boy's life straight, man. That's nice. Yeah, that was all me, baby. I still steal from time to time. Just, you know, I don't know. You're very successful. I know, but it's from a big... I never steal from a mom and pop, but like if it's... Like I stole a Baltimore Ravens hat.

Because I just put it on. I was like, I look like a guy who would have a Raven's hat on. I bought $150 worth of shit, but I was like, I'm just going to treat myself to stealing this hat. Wow. You know, I just felt, just to get the blood flowing a little bit. Yeah, that's, you know. Remember shoplifting from that Target in college? That was always a fun one. Across the street from where I lived. That was really fun, yeah, yeah. Freshman year, yeah. We stole a lot of condoms we never used. Yeah.

from that target we're just losers stealing ping pong balls to play fucking beer pong yeah we stole some shot glasses one day never I used once once I got a girlfriend like we would be like dude we're getting pussy we're getting shot we're stealing shot glasses we're stealing balls

We ended up just fucking eating Chinese food and watching like YouTube videos. Playing ping pong on the first floor of the place. Playing ping pong, yeah. We bought them to like have parties and we just ended up playing actual ping pong. Wow. Sober, getting no pussy whatsoever. Actually, we were probably high. We were probably high as shit actually. I'm learning a lot about you and the city of Baltimore that I already suspected. Yeah.

Just a bad place. Just pumping out bad seeds. Stealing is... Steal from big companies. It doesn't matter. They're insured. No, I'll steal occasionally from like Hudson News at the airport. Oh, the airport. It's so outrageous. The airport you got to steal from. But people will yell at me that I'm a bad person because like the rents are so high there, whatever. But sometimes it's like you take a magazine or something just to balance out how outrageously expensive it is. Yeah, if I'm buying a water for $9, I'm stealing M&M's.

Yeah, I think that's okay. It averages out to what it should cost. If airports cost what a regular bodega costs, I wouldn't steal. But they got us by the fucking nuts. I think Portland and one other city, they're like...

We made it so that legally you can't jack up your prices in the airport. Well, Portland has no problems. They're just a perfect town. I'm sure you fucking love it. I just went. I had a great time. It was pretty nice. Yeah, you took lifts from one door to the next. I walked around. They might have just swept the encampments, but while we were there, it was nice. You know, it is... They are... Dude, they got... They got people just camping out on, like, the sides of the highway. Yeah.

Like the green, like it's almost like, how did you even get there? Some guy got a shopping cart like in the median. Like it's like, how the fuck did you even fucking get there? A sliver of grass in like a, like six cumulative lanes of highway. They're making like Ikea furniture in between highways. They're putting a fucking dresser in there. It's fucking hilarious. That's wild. It's like a game of Frogger. They just have like a bureau. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. But, hey, good town. I've said it before, great town to be a fat guy. Oh, yeah? Portland. Great food. And it's a town full of daddy issues. Because no one who moves to a place like Portland, like, loves their family. Yeah. So if you're a big, fat, charming guy, that's like a, you know, it's like if you had a fat father whose approval you want, on some subconscious level...

I'm your guy. Yeah, that's a good point. And it's great strip clubs. We've got a ton of strip clubs. You know the story of Soder and I, the day of the Women's March? Did I tell you that story? Yeah, I remember this story. Yeah, we were going to go to the titty bar because we were both in Portland. I was open for Louie and then he was at Helium. And I was like, we're going to get breakfast at the titty bar. And then we woke up and it was like the Women's March and the whole world was like 2 billion women marching. And I called Soder. I'm like, I feel kind of guilty. Like, God.

And he's like, me too. I was thinking the same thing. And he's like, all right. So then we went and walked around. We saw the march. We went to the march. And we were like, all right, women. And then I realized, I'm like...

We would have been better off going and giving working women money. You would have been directly supporting working women. Instead of just handing our money to women that were working, we just stood and watched a bunch of women. We're like, whoo! Yeah, we're on your team. Yeah, we should have gone to that titty bar. You should have. You can go back. I'm going to be back. I'm there in August. The second we get in August. Portland Helium. That's right. I'll go check out some tits.

Second week of August. Whatever that is. August 10th to the 12th, I think it is. I might go back to Portland because I just love the city. And also, I just love hiking, like the Pacific Northwest, like the forests and shit. Yeah. There's something so like...

He's just like, God, this is awesome. You just lost there. No phone. All you see is green shit. I might go because I'm doing the Fully Loaded tour and it ends in, I'm doing a weekend and it ends in Washington, the Gorge. And I might just stick in the Pacific Northwest for a week and just, but I think it's going to be later than when you're there. It would have been great to go to Portland together. I would love that. Some other time. I would love sprinting from one place to the other in a shithole city with you.

But the woods are great. The woods are great. Pacific Northwest is awesome. I love a nice hike. I've become a real hike guy. Wow, I'm a hike. We should hike together. We should hike. Let's hike. You know me. I'm a crazy hike guy. I'll be in New York July and August. Half of July and August. All right. Let's hike. We got to hike, baby. Let's take a hike. Where do you hike, Joe? Oh, something you wouldn't call me out on my clearly not hiking that often. Elvis has never asked a question, like a direct question in the history of the podcast. I'm a hike.

I guess I meant, do you like go north? Yeah, we'll go north, south. I'll go west sometimes. He hits the trail. Yeah, we'll go east. Dude, this guy. We did the ramble. Get your compass out. This fucking guy's going any direction the compass says. Yeah.

We hiked up Astoria Park the other day. No, I mean, around here, like Bear Mountain or whatever, but I go on trips. Sarah and I went to, what do you call it, Shenandoah National Park. Ooh, that's a nice one. Recently in Virginia, we did a weekend there. That was awesome. And then Pacific Northwest. My best friend lives out.

Oh, yes. That's right. I'm always out there hiking. And then we went to Wales. We did a full 10-day hiking trip there. I hiked the Salcantay Trail in Peru. Peru. Peru. Nice. So, yeah, I've hiked. Nice try. Nice try, buddy. Lesson gotcha. I hiked Shelter Island. I hiked. I go up to all over. Massachusetts, Maine. The man does it all.

Yeah, you name it. I'm hiking, baby. I love it, dude. And can we talk about this? I found out about it on Instagram, but you're going to be a father, bro. Yeah, I'm very scared. How are you feeling? Terrified. Terrified? Yeah, hopefully it'll be all right. I mean, now that I'm on the regular episode. Yeah, I've been Funko Joe for years. Yeah. And...

Yeah, we tried to have a baby. A couple died in the vine. But this one's really sticking in there. I love it, dude. And it's scary. Yeah, like Halloween time. Halloween time, dude. Fucking dad. Fuck, dude. That's awesome. Yeah. But I was an IVF baby, too. So you might have a beautiful specimen like this to look forward to. Yeah, I'd love it. I hope the ears come out better. But...

You gotta hang with the kid. When you hang with the kid, you'll be a good uncle. Of course, dude. Uncle Stavros. You have no idea how pumped I am for that. Really? Yeah, dude. I can't wait. My friends, like, it is funny to grow, like, I feel like all my friends, comedians or not, are all stunted and it's taking too long for us all to, like, have families and kids and shit. Yeah. I'm 59. Yeah. Yeah.

But like my best, the first kid in my like orbit, my friend who used to live, she used to live in this room actually. She just had a kid and it's incredible. It's so fun to just be around. But nobody else in my like life is, like relatives in Greece, but I don't see those kids. Right. And then it's like, she's the first one. And then, you know, my brother, one of my brothers will probably have a kid soon, but I'm pumped you're having a fucking kid. Oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah. I can't wait. I can't wait to buy the little track suit. Yeah, please. Buy everything because I don't have any money, but...

Diet meals would be great. I'm applying at Sears' all over America.

I can't wait for you to become a crooked loss prevention officer to put food on the table. Yeah. That's a fun drama. That's not bad. Yeah, dude. Because they don't suspect you when you're ahead of the loss prevention. Yeah. But yeah, it's exciting. I'm nervous and excited, and I think it'll be good. It'll be fucking awesome. I'll get some jokes, hopefully. Yeah, that's the important thing. I'm going to really love them. That's the important thing. I'm going to love them up. You know, my parents, they're not always... Yeah. Yeah.

They haven't really said congrats or we're excited or you're going to be great. None of that shit. None of that bullshit, baby. Well, congrats. I love you. You're going to be great. You're going to be a great dad. I was talking to my therapist. I'm like, Luke Monis had a much better reaction than my parents. He was like, oh my God, amazing. He'll be a great father. And I was like, wow, that was...

That was really good. You start crying. You start tearing up. If I go out twice. Yeah. Just a comic who's kind of nice. Yeah. You're going to be an awesome dad. No, it's amazing. You don't know what you need or want from family until the guy who's opening for you just nails it without even thinking about it.

It just naturally flows out. He's like, whoa, amazing. You're going to be great. Wow, that's awesome. And I'm like, oh, there it is. What did you get? Because that really surprised me because I feel like parents that aren't that loving, the thing that unlocks them a lot of the times is grandkids. So if that's not even going to do for your parents, it's never happening. Well, I think my parents, they're...

in their own way. But I think my mother particularly, she relates through anxiety and fear. So I think like when I'm like, we're having a kid, my mother immediately is like, your wife is 75 years old. It's so expensive. I don't think, I think I also, I also think my family like assumes I make zero dollars. Yeah.

They're like, oh my God, you can't afford this. I'm doing better than the majority of Americans. But I think they're like, oh Jesus Christ, we're going to have to down pay a bit of the house. Your gay little plays aren't going to be able to put this kid through college. He saw his movie. It's got 11% of Rotten Tomatoes. He's like, he's no Norman, this guy. She's like, I like his tweets better.

So, yeah, I think it's a lot of work. Like, oh, we have to go to New York? My mother has, like, a crippling fear of the city. She will not come to the city. So I think she's immediately like, am I going to have to go to fucking New York? Are you kidding me? That's crazy, though. I can't go there. That's crazy that even a baby can't come. I mean, also, I guess she's had other grandkids, so. Yeah. I'm sure she's happy. I think some people just, like, they don't know how to...

say things. It's the same with shows. Like, my family will say this after a show. Like, I'll do a show, like the Wilbur Theater sold out. And they're like, people in our section were laughing. Right.

And I'm like, were you laughing? To me, it's like, this is so easy. Just be like, you were great. How would you not say that? That's wild to not say that. That was awesome. Fucking killer. God, killer. I can't believe it. The Wilbur, that. And then I just think like, you know, and who knows? We'll see. But I'm like, Sarah has a baby in her stomach. I'm like licking her stomach and fucking her and being like, this piece of shit's in there. It's crazy.

Like, I feel like everything he does, I'll be crying like, wow. Yeah, you will be. And I'm like, I've reached like the top, I'm in the top 1% of showbiz comedians. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, I don't care about it. Yeah.

Not showbiz, but comedy. Comedy of scores. It's like nine guys doing better than me. Yeah. And they're all, you know, peers that started after me, which is hurtful, but... They all started 12 years after I did, but, you know, I'm doing pretty good. No, that's fucking great, though. I mean, that is going to be fucking insane to have a kid. And I mean, getting old, like, I'm like, fuck, do I want a family and shit like that? Get a family. And you see...

I mean, I just know you're going to be a great dad. Thanks, buddy. Because you are so present and you're in touch with yourself. You've worked on all the fucked up shit in your head. Yeah. Your parents. It's important to be the guy who stops that chain of anxiety and shit that's just been...

growing unchecked for generations. Like, I think about all the mental illness in my family, too. There's, like, hoarders and fucking, you know, no one knows how to say a nice word about the other, you know, anybody else. And, you know, just people who, everyone is so passive-aggressive and all that shit. And it's almost like,

On one hand, you're like, damn, having a kid, you're forcing some little cocksucker into existence who's just floating in the ether right now. But on the other hand, it's nice to give, by giving that kid a better life than you or anyone in your life,

tree I ever had, you're like improving the world in that sense. That's sweet. I mean, I hope so. I think so. I think I'll do a good job. I'll do my best. Yeah, and then there's the possibility that it just becomes like a sociopath no matter what you do. Yeah. That's kind of scary. Some people are just bad seeds, you know? And you're just like, oh, jeez, this sucks. Yeah, yeah. But that's rare. That's rare. You don't have any criminals or... That's more in other communities. Yeah.

That's not typically... I wonder what your mother's anxiety about the city is. You don't have any criminals in the family, do you? No, no. I don't think I do either. Anybody who... No. You got a couple people got deported and all this, but we don't have to go into that. Oh.

Yeah, deported uncle. As I've said on the show before, my grandma was arrested for it. She was arrested for stealing grapes, actually, his grandma. Oh, really? I think it was nuts, actually. Or nuts. Pistachios or something. Nuts are expensive. Yeah. That's a big ticket item. Yeah. Joe wouldn't have let her slide. Yeah. Hopefully she learns from the lesson. Yeah. She'd write an essay. Make her write an essay. Yeah, yeah.

I think the reason she got booked is because she just didn't know English. So when they probably said something to her, she was probably just clutching her purse. And didn't know what the fuck was going on. 100%. She got booked for a night. Yeah, that's all right. She's in, we'll say heaven now. She is. Yeah, she is. Yeah.

Not with that pass. I don't think God forgave her for all that stealing.

Oh, fuck. We love them. And now that we're all fucking hydrated, we've got soon-to-be father, former loss prevention officer, Joseph List, in the building. We're going to solve some of your questions, folks. We're going to solve your problems, answer your questions. 904-800-STARV. Call in right now. Leave a message. Joe won't be here by the time your message is heard, but we'll have somebody else. So hit us with the first question there, LD. Okay.

Hey, Saaz. Hey, Eldis. I'm a huge fan of the show. So let me just get right into my question. I'll try to keep this short. And in no way do I mean this as a brag. This is just a natural consequence of being married for so long. My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We've been married for almost 15 years. And...

Recently, my blowjob game has been really, really good. My husband's husband. That's huge. And that's just, you know, that's just what happens after 15 years. Not in my experience. But on the other hand, he is upset with me, with himself, because he can't get me off by going down on me. And...

I am just one of those girls. It takes a lot of concentration on my part. And when I'm just put on the spot like that, you know, we aren't engaged in any other activities. It's just like, you know, and bless his heart, you know, it's like, oh, let me take care of you tonight. You know, which we do for each other. Beautiful marriage. I don't need to come. It's your turn. And...

I can't get there. And he thinks that he needs to climb this mountain. And it's like, if you haven't been able to do this after 15 years, I don't know what to tell you. But...

Stop, he just helped me out. What should I do? How can I let him down easy? Damn. Wow. That was ups and downs. There's a lot of ups and downs. First of all, commendable. I will say it's kind of nice that this guy, who's in a, I would say, top 10% situation, this is the opposite of every hack 80s comedian that's like, you know, my fucking dumb bitch wife won't fuck me. And even when you have a good sex life, I feel like blowjobs start to go.

You know, for certain, it's just the frills are kind of taken off or they're more of a special occasion. There's certain people who like going down on people and other people who do it at first. And as you get comfortable, maybe it's like, look, it's not really my thing. This lady's a fucking hero as far as I'm concerned. Continuing to suck him off and improving. That's huge. Yeah, this is like unbelievable. That really turned me on quite a bit. I can't even...

I've just been thinking about getting sucked off by this lady since she said that. He didn't hear the second half of the question. Now, in terms of him not getting you to bust in 15 years...

Something's off there. 15 years? He's never made her cum once? But from going down on her. I think it's from going down on her. So she busts from sex? I think he fingers and fucks. Yeah, I think she goes... Yeah, that's what I assumed. He's feeling a little hurt that he can't...

Can't perform excellently on oral like she can. Well, and that's the other thing. It's like he just is going to have to let this go then. I mean, if you're in a good, you know, if you have a good sex, like I've been, because my dick is fucked up, I actually don't come from head that easily, although I'm on a little streak where hopefully something's changing. I've busted a few times in some mouths naturally, and it's pretty nice. Good work, Eldis. Yeah.

I don't know if something shifted with my penis or what, but anyway, I've been in relationships where I never really have, where it's actually happened where like a girl's feelings get hurt because she thinks she can't make me bust. And it's like, no, let me fuck and I'll bust. No problem. It's just the mouth ain't going to do it for me. So as long as he's eating a little pussy, it's in the mix. You just kind of have to be like, look, you're not a your dick is easier to deal with.

I wonder if there's a competition thing where he feels bad because she's gotten better at giving head and he hasn't made her bust once. And that would fuck with me. I don't think I would. I wouldn't be on a 15 year cold streak. I'll tell you that much lady. But I think I could make her bust or someone bust if it took if I had 15 years of study. But maybe not. And I think he has to be less self-conscious. And I think the problem is if he hypes it up.

it's gonna make it so that she will not come. Right. Like, this has to disappear. This, like, competition, this, like, no, I have to make you come. Like, that's gotta go, and he's just gotta eat some pussy and mix, I would say mix it up

You know, eat some pussy finger. Fuck, eat again. You know what I mean? Like, switch it up so that it's not top of mind. Like, I've been eating pussy for an hour, 15 minutes. You have to come. Right. You can't, that's not going to work with you clearly. So, I think he's got to almost sneak making you come. He's got, it's got to be like a sneak pussy eating attack where it could be like you're about to bust from fingering or, uh,

fucking or whatever, or a vibrator. Get a vibrator in the mix and switch off or some shit like that. It could be like, you know...

He could get a vibrator. If he really wants to make you cum, you could almost do it like when they have the special needs manager run a touchdown in. Yeah, yeah. Or you could get a vibrator to get you right where you're about to bust. Then at the end, he switches off and goes right at the very end. Yeah, I like that. And it's like he made you cum. Yeah. Give him the Down syndrome running back pussy eating treatment on senior day. You know what I mean? Let him shoot a three. Yeah.

You know, and it goes in and everyone's like, ah! Those are some of the best viral videos out there. Yeah, I think that's exactly right. Yeah. I also think I've been, well, years ago I had some depression problems and I took Paxil, which makes it very hard to cum. So I was on the other side, the ladies' side, where women would be like, you can't cum. They would cry. They'd be like, I'm sucking you off and I'm fucking you. You just don't cum. And I'm like, babe.

It's not you, babe. It's me. I'm on drugs. So I'm still having a good time. And yeah, just get her off other ways and eat her out for fun. For the love of the game. For the love of the game. Exactly. Get your tongue right in there and then fuck her. Yeah, vibrate. Who gives a shit? My wife, we're all vibrator. I fuck. She puts a vibrator on her clit and she comes. I come and we're living happily ever after. We got a son on the way. He can hold the vibrator. The arm comes out.

Who gives a shit? Now, don't get me wrong. We don't use the vibrator because I can't make her come. Right. I'm not some fucking loser freak. Like this fucking pathetic piece of shit. I have, but it's just easier. Yeah.

Just hear your vibrator. A vibrator. Why? I don't understand these guys that are like anti-sex toy. It's crazy. It's like the vibrator is efficient. It's not competition. It's part of the team. It's like you just won't use email. You're like, I like writing a letter and stamping it. Okay. Licking the stamp. There's something there. Yeah. And then sending it. It's just like, okay, great. But just send a fucking email. Exactly. It's like, look, Barry Bonds, it was cool how many fucking home runs he hit on steroids.

You know what I mean? Use steroids. A vibrator is a sexual steroid. Feel the maximum power. See someone really bust and get it in the mix. So anyway, that's my advice. Switch it up a little bit. Take the element of the pressure off of it and you might just find yourself busting. But that's

He's going to have to work on that psychologically. This is tough because there's just no resentment or pressure in her voice at all. She's like, we have sex. It's great. I love him. I love sucking him off. Doing a great job. It's not like she's expecting anything back. No. He really needs to just get out of his own head. Yeah. He's in his own head. Play him this call. It's on the free one. You don't have to be a Patreon subscriber to listen to this. So send him the YouTube clip of this.

And, you know, we're rooting for you. And kudos to you for continuing your education and sucking guys off, even in a decade and a half into marriage. This woman is a hero and an example, more so than, you know, never mind. I was going to say Rosa Parks. Oh, gee whiz. Come on. How about then a firefighter? Oh, then a firefighter, no question.

I'd rather have more of these. I hope your house burns down. Huh? I hope your house burns down. There's nobody here to help you. I live in an apartment. You're sentencing two other people, two other families to that. I wouldn't expect anything less from a former Sears snitch who's ruining lives. Law and order, dog. Law and order. Hit us with another one, Big LD. It's Tavi, my boy. What's up, brother?

All right, so this situation. I used to be a promoter, early 20s, finally getting out, about to be 30. So top tier pussies for past 10 years. Club pussies, definitely different, brother. Club chicks, you know how they are. Well, you know, you get a lot of baggage with it. So, yeah, I just started dating actual regular women. And, brother, I just don't know how to...

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm used to just fucking crazy. And now I'm starting to date just random normal women. I don't know how to feel about this, brother. It's kind of fucking crazy. Just need some advice. I know I sound like a fucking dickhead. But, man, like, I like to go out and shit, you know, and I've been just dating total squares. Yeah, man.

Very interesting.

Former club promoter. Not starting off strong. Club promoter is some of the worst guys in the world. I don't even know how to touch that. Club chick? I'm like, I'm the wrong guy for this. I'm a good boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Club chicks. He's basically like, what's going on? I can't solve any argument by pulling out a little bag of cocaine anymore. I can't coerce 19-year-olds lying about their age to suck me off in a bathroom by promising them ketamine. I have to actually talk about, I don't know, jobs and shit? Yeah.

Dude, this is what growing up is, motherfucker. Who do you want to be? Club promoter...

Again, atrocious gotta be. But in your 20s, it's semi-acceptable. Think about the 45-year-old club guys or the guys that are going out with hair plugs and fucking veneer, those big fake teeth. They're on so many dick pills they can't even fucking see straight and they're still trying to fuck 20-year-olds. That kind of is your future if you stay down this path. And I think it's good. You're clearly trying to get out of this business, out of this lifestyle, right?

And you're in a period of like, you're in a period of change. You're in a period of, you know, transition is where I was looking for. Where, and it sounds like maybe, like how do you, you know, don't, you don't want to be with those crazy club chicks, whatever you're saying, essentially. But maybe you've gone a little too far. Maybe, I mean, where are you meeting these women? What do you want? You know what I mean? Like total squares. Like it doesn't sound like you need someone who's,

completely sober, completely, sounds like you need somebody who's just gonna, you know, go out for a couple drinks, regular people, has a job, you're about to be 30, you said, what do you want from your life? Do you want to keep being this guy that's chasing just getting pussy, or do you want kind of a slightly more boring lifestyle that is more, that you can bank on a little more, that's a little more supportive emotionally, that allows you to grow and find the rest of your life, your next chapter, because

I don't know what the fuck your job is, but if you're not promoting anymore, you probably need a regular job. So either stick in this kind... Maybe people are going to be a little more boring, but they have other things to offer. Maybe they don't suck dick as well, but maybe they also have never been in a mental institution for threatening to kill themselves when their last boyfriend broke up with them. You know what I mean? Maybe there's a best of both worlds here where you can kind of transition into this

And are they boring or do you also have nothing to talk about? Because also you're saying, you know, these dates, if you don't have shit to say, the way you used to relate to people was getting fucked up and, you know, doing drugs and then fucking after the club. Or you could get them in so they would, you know, have sex with you. You know, you get them into a cool club. Like, what do you bring to this table? Look inward first before you call these women necessarily boring because...

You might be kind of a vapid, have-nothing-to-say motherfucker, too, if you spent 10 years in the clubs and didn't work on any fucking self-reflection, any, you know, self, you know, do you have any hobbies, any interests? Like, what are you bringing to these fucking tables? What do you do now? So...

Think about who you really want to be and find your equivalent in women. And maybe these women aren't that boring, but also, or maybe these women are boring, but also that's kind of what dating is. You have to wade through people that aren't that great to find somebody that you like. That happens a lot, you know? Yeah, I'm assuming he's like just going off apps or something and it's like, you know, he's probably just meeting a girl, getting his dick sucked by some club chick like Night Of and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a different pace. You can't accept to...

be having some freaky sex with some random girl like you're going on a date with on Tinder. Yeah, some graphic designer is not going to suck you off immediately. Yeah, you got to go through the motions a little. But at the same time, I think like if he just like keeps dating on those, like you do find out how to kind of put out those vibes where like, you know, hey, even some graphic designers want to get choked or have some freaky ass sex or fucking do a little cocaine on Saturday night. Absolutely. A little tootski. Yeah. So you got to like, you know,

Kind of like, you just kind of learn how to put out those vibes a little bit. And, you know, but yeah, it is like, it's just like a pacing thing. Yeah, and you got to delay gratification here, right? That's what this is. It's like, you got to wait and build up something. It's not going to be as like having an awesome time getting fucked up and fucking whoever at a club. You were never a club guy.

What was your dating? You were just girlfriend, girlfriend guy? Or what was it like? No, it was all comedy clubs. Like after the show, I would try to be like, hey, on stage. I'd be like, I'm single and desperate and I got a dick. That kind of stuff. And then you'd meet a hookup randomly maybe at a party or something like that. But I never like went to a nightclub. Of course. I don't have that. But did you ever do any dating? Like specific just going out? No, because I was before the apps. Like I've been with Sarah for 12 years.

12 years and it wasn't the apps it was like dating match.com website so I missed out on all of sucking and fucking and all that shit yeah and before you were just kind of either in relationships or fucking off of club just like hooking up after shows yeah fat ugly pigs mostly

Yeah, no offense if you're listening. A lot of gross. But everyone smiled when someone hot would sneak in there. It was exciting. That's nice. You can live off that for a while. But also, this guy is like, what, he's about to be 29? It's not like you're old. You can still go back to the club and fuck a club chick. You got to start getting out of the club. I think he made a decision to get out of the clubs. Right. And also, it's not old, but...

Those five years will pass quick. And now, you know what I mean? Like, I think it's smarter to take a couple years and kind of dip your toes into the club and then be like, this really isn't for me. And spend more time out with regular people. And I think it's smart. I think he's smart to kind of get a hold on the next chapter of his life. Because, you know, club promoters really are fucking dickheads most of the time. Let's be honest. They're fucking weird. It's like, you know, it's the guys that like run...

It's like, you know, comedy club owners, but for like partying. Right, right. But yeah, it sounds like you got your eye on the prize and I think you're, you know, you'll figure it out.

Eldest, how were you putting out those vibes to let these girls know that you're down to get sucked off? I don't know. It was like an intuitive thing. I don't even know what it was specifically. I just remember like... There was a change? In my dark stretches on the apps, I was trying to be funny or just some novelty. I remember at one point I had a bunch of pics with dogs in every picture, which is just so corny and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then...

I don't know. I think like I started a sober year. That was just a productive time for me. And I was like, I just want to be like more selfish with my time. And that's why I like changed my mindset on what a date was like too. It's like, you're not going to fuck on the first date probably. Right. So it's like, you know, there's just like kind of go out on these dates, make it a one drink, two drink thing for the first couple of nights. No Friday, Saturday night, like first dates or anything. Yeah. I don't know. Just be like,

Set up these dates so you're not bored. Don't go to dinner and shit on the first date. Just make it like, okay, I'm going to make this a one, two hours tops kind of thing on a Wednesday night. I like that. Be selfish with your time. Build it up. Don't expect anything from it. And then worst case scenario, you're like,

out like a couple hours and right out like 50 bucks on a couple beers instead of like dropping a stupid amount of like a dinner with yeah some bitches like bored as fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah that's already thinking about who she's gonna text after this yeah who she's who's she's gonna suck off with the creme brulee you bought still on her lips yeah okay interesting advice um all right let's get another one going big dog

Stavi bro, I need some fucking help dude. I got road rage like no other lady It was safer when I was drinking and driving Hilarious I've been sober for like a year now. Okay, it's not fucking brag dude. I was an alcoholic. We got a dy I had to quit I don't fucking choice anyways, I

What?

Love you. See you in October in fucking Detroit if I'm still alive. We're not in fucking jail again, bro. Wow. This guy rules and he's out of his mind. I do love this guy, but man. I think he'd be a great fit at Sears Loss Prevention. This is our kind of guy. This is who we're looking for. Get him in there.

A nice teenage kid steals a pair of earrings for his girl. What the fuck? Sick this motherfucker up. Oh, fuck, dude. I mean, if I may, just real quick. My advice, just from reading the transcript and listening to this.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it. I'm going to be this guy. Get yourself to an AA meeting. You're not well. I mean, it sounds like you're newly sober. You obviously have some serious problems. Absolutely. Go for your drinking. Stay for your thinking, as we say, because you got some mental problems. This guy wants to, what did he say? Anger problems. Threatening to shoot someone in the face in traffic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, by the way, that's a day, I don't know if you have a gun in your car, but many people do. Yeah. You start threatening to shoot somebody in traffic. Yeah.

They're going to shoot you. Yeah, yeah. No, this is ridiculous. That's a great point. It's like you are sober now, but you have let... But maybe the toll that's taking is the rest of your vices are let... Because all your energy is to not drink, your anger is now out of control, which sounds like you have a serious anger problem. There's no way to get around this without...

therapy or AA or both, maybe. But yeah, that's really what it is, bro. You got... There is no way to like... You know, we could tell you to fucking meditate and maybe get some of that energy out and fucking go box or something like that so you're tuckered out and you're kind of doing something violent also. But this is a psychological thing at its root. And especially with the new sobriety, that's a very tough time in somebody's life. So...

Go somewhere. Talk to someone. AA, therapy, both. Maybe train in fighting to get it out in a, like, better way. And as you control yourself, you're kind of doing something physical to get it out there. But, yeah, dude, I think that's really it. You got to work on yourself. And you did... You should, you know...

Even though you were forced into stopping to drink because you got a fucking DUI, it still is impressive to be that is an accomplishment no matter how it got kicked off. So take some pride in that. But also, you got to stop doing shit like that. You cannot. You cannot. Joe is right. That shit is literally dangerous to you and to other people.

And yeah, you just got to, you know, you just got to fucking take care of it, brother. Let go and let God. Let go and let God. Go to AA. Go to fucking therapy. But, you know, I'll see you in October. You got to at least make it to October so you come to the show. After that...

You know, do whatever you want. Hey, I'm also in Detroit in October. Oh, hopefully it's the same week. That'd be awesome. Yeah, 21st or something like that. Fuck it, pull it up. Stabby.biz. Eldest, let's see. Now I want to know if me and my buddy Joe are going to be... I'm there October something, right before the baby. I'm scared. Right before the baby. I'm in Detroit 10-20.

Oh, that's me. The Fillmore. Yeah, I'm there. Oh, my God. We can hang. Oh, this is fucking awesome. This is big. I'm there October 19, 2021. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Last gig before the baby. Look at that. This is perfect. Yeah, it's great. You'll take away from me hitting my bonuses. It's great. I'll be at your show. My baby will be...

It's fantastic. Only one show in Detroit. Go see Joe. Go see us both, guys. Come a day early. Yeah. I might. I might just see you. Yeah. Beautiful. Go buy tickets to Joe List on the 19th or the 21st. Yeah, yeah. And then come see us both. Or the 20th even. You might want to see me. You know what? Or the 20th. He's having a kid. Go there. Fuck stuff. Fuck me. Go buy tickets to see Joe. He's got his Patreon that I'm on. Boom.

And we're ever grateful for you. Hit us with another one, Eldis. Let's solve these motherfuckers' problems, buddy. Oh, fuck. The transcript is funny. Hey. Long-time listener here in Minnesota. Minnesota. And I've got a little bit of an issue I'm a little concerned about. I have a wife and a son. Our neighbors moved in.

And they're lesbians. Which I don't have a problem with. I'm not worried about any of that at all. The problem is, I travel a lot for work. And, you know, I'm gone two nights, three nights a week sometimes. And it seems like over the past two months, whenever I've been gone, the neighbor bakes something for my wife. Some sort of banana bread, whatever, blah, blah, blah.

thing like that, but never when I'm here, only when I'm gone. You know, we talk to our neighbors and stuff like that, and then that wasn't a big deal, but then I found out that the girlfriend of this lesbian used to be straight. She was converted. Converted! Now, my wife's hot as fuck. I am, you know, I'm just wondering if I'm gonna have to fight this bitch. Like,

Listen, I know that my wife's straight. I'm a big fat hairy dude. I've got fucking stodied out, okay? My wife's been with me for 10 years. There's both balls in the mouth, all right? She likes dick. But I'm wondering if this lady's trying to like cramp on while I'm gone here. Never comes over or anything like that when I'm here, but then she's hanging out with my wife. I need some advice. I'm sorry this was long-winded.

But I'm just wondering if I'm going to have to fight this bitch, dude. For real. I have some thoughts on this. Yeah, please, Joe. Please. Perhaps the lady's not coming over because she's picking up on your clear homophobia. Yeah.

Is it possible that she's getting the vibe that you don't trust lesbians and gays in general? So she's like, let me avoid this fucking... Let me avoid this guy. His wife seems pleasant. She's lonely. He's gone all the time. I'll go be a good neighbor. Yeah. But I'll just avoid him because obviously he doesn't approve of my lifestyle. Yeah, her wife used to be straight until she got converted. Yeah.

The fucking thing happened. She fucking shot her with a, with a dike ray and just turned her. Or maybe do you think sexuality is fluid and they, you know, she found somebody she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're fucking, how about, yes, try, try and be a little more accepting from the very beginning. I don't have a problem with that. No one who says that no one who's ever said the, a marginalized community and then followed up with,

Not that that's a big deal to me. It's always some kind of deal to them. So yeah, dude, why don't you try being a better neighbor and not putting up these weird, whoa, this bitch is trying to fuck my... Like, if this lady, right, if they were a straight couple and the lady was like coming over and baking and making friends with your wife, you wouldn't be worried, right? Let's say it was a straight couple with the lady was bi or something, right?

You probably wouldn't be as worried. I think it's the fact that they're lesbians. And you've already done this research. How do you even come up with this research that she used to be straight? How does that even come up to you? How did you even find that out? And also, what does used to be straight mean? Maybe she was bi her whole life. Maybe she was a fucking closet lesbian in a bunch of bad relationships. I've had people in my life who dated men and were like, look back on her like, I was gay the whole time. It was a fucking huge mistake. Yeah.

Your perspective's all fucked up here, and I think what you should do is just try and be a better neighbor. Say, hey, that was really thoughtful. Thanks for baking my wife something while I'm out at work for weeks at a time, which, by the way, that can put a strain on a relationship, and someone can get lonely sometimes.

So you could just be like, hey, that was really nice. Let me do something for you. Or invite them over. Have a little barbecue. Do something neighborly and actually get to know these people. And these women will stop being like these gay caricatures in your mind that are trying to steal your girl. And they'll start becoming full, real people. And you might become friends with them. Or you might actually pick up on a vibe. Maybe, you know what? There's a 1 in 10 chance this guy's right. You know what I mean? I mean, that is, I guess...

Maybe a little lower than 1 in 10, but there's some chance. And look, here's the other thing. Maybe it's just they're adults that are friends, and yeah, maybe she finds your wife attractive, but...

She's in a fucking committed relationship. Do you know that these people are in like a swing? These aren't gay men we're talking about. These are lesbians. They barely fuck, you know, famously. So are they in a committed relationship? If they're swingers, then maybe you have some. But it's like they might just be people that like each other. And maybe, yes, in a different life, maybe they would have tried to fuck your wife. But these are, you know, they're married. And here's the other thing. If you're worried about this,

Let's take a look inward. I always like to do this with these calls, right? You're gone all the time. You're a big, fat, hairy piece of shit. Your wife is hot as shit. Are you really worried about this lesbian stealing your girl? Are you realizing, hey, maybe I'm taking her a little for granted and I've put myself in a position where maybe my wife is hot.

She could be seduced. She feels lonely because I'm always gone. She's hot. I've gotten fatter my whole life, right? Maybe there's a little bit of an opportunity to look inward and strengthen your relationship here and that this worry is mostly...

insecurity on your part for maybe not being as good a husband as you should be, and homophobia, like Joe said at the very beginning. So that's mostly what's going on here, and I think the way you combat it is be honest with yourself about how secure you feel in your relationship and maybe...

take steps to improve yourself and your relationship and get to know these people as human beings and your neighbors. Because right now it sounds like they're being nice to your wife from our perspective. Right. It sounds like they're being good neighbors and that you're coloring things. And I don't trust you. I don't trust your series of events. I don't, I don't know that this is how it went down. You know what I mean? So anyway, buddy,

I'm always rooting for a fat guy with a hot wife. That's my community. I love that kind of, I love seeing myself represented, what I want represented, but you got a lot of, you got a little work to do here, pal. Also, by the way, where's your wife's accountability? She's a straight person. She's married to you. Right, right, right. Have a little trust that your wife's not going to fuck the neighbor. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be grateful that it's not a hot dude. Right. A hot straight dude. That's a good point. Who bakes and has time off. You know what I mean? Like your wife's not into the ladies. So what difference does it make? That's an even better point. Yeah, that's another great point. All of this is, I think, because he's realizing he's a piece of shit and has made himself vulnerable to having his wife stolen.

Yeah, just keep your enemies close, invite them over, put on a friendly smile to get their guard down, be friendly and use that as a tactic to get more research on them and really see if they are trying to steal your wife. And I think you'll be okay.

Yeah, either what we, me and Joe, just spent eight minutes painstakingly explaining to you or what Eldest said. Yeah. Take your pick. Either way. Or fight the bitch, as he said. I don't give a... Yeah, that's the other thing. Fuck her up. We haven't even talked about the twice he's alluded to the fact that he was like, am I going to have to fight a woman? He's... Oh, no. I'd hate to do that. What?

The fact that the only thing you thought about was violence against a woman because you travel all the time and someone is being nice to your wife, there's some issues there, bucko. All right, let's get another one going, little LD. We've got some good questions this episode. I'm feeling really good for the lives we're changing.

Hi Stavi, this is Jasmine. Love the pod, love the comedy. Great name. I just wanted to get some advice from you on my husband. I love him very much. He treats me like a queen and I'm not going anywhere. But he struggles with some serious PTSD and it affects his quality of life, my quality of life in our relationship and...

I really want him to go do some therapy, but he's kind of old school and says that men, you know, shouldn't sit there and talk about their problems to strangers. So, Stavi, my question to you is,

What can I do and how do I get my husband to go to therapy? Love ya. I would say what I would do is I would get a lot of fireworks and I would get a lot of, I would YouTube a lot of Islamic chanting.

And I would write when he's settling in to watch an episode of Yellowstone. I would throw a bunch of poppers on the ground and I would start playing on a lecture that's like...

And then you're like, go to fucking therapy, motherfucker. Go to fucking therapy. They're coming back. Go to fucking therapy. The fuck is coming back unless you go to fucking therapy. That's what I would do personally. Let off a Roman candle. And all serious.

Muslims are dangerous. That's a joke. Cut that part out. If the motherfucker wants to be on the free one, let him be on the free one.

First of all, Jasmine sounds hot. I love Jasmine. Sounds great. Wow. Great voice. Great wife. It's always shocking to me because I've been talking very openly about going to therapy for years and years and people would write to me and be like, it's great that you talk about it. And I always thought it was weird. I'm like, I don't understand. Like what? It's therapy. Who gives a shit? Yeah.

But there's people that really are out there. Yeah, I mean, that's a little bit of our New York City bubble, too. I guess so. And our showbiz bubble. Because, yeah, I do think there's a huge stigma still. And I think it's stupid. Will you get me one of these while you're out there? Get us a...

Get a fresh liquid death for our boy. Yeah, just a regular water. Regular water for our guy. There's definitely still a stigma, but I also think my thought process, there's got to be groups for vets, right? Or maybe he's not a veteran. I just saw PTSD and I thought he could also just be from... I assume also. But I guess it's possibilities from just like an abusive home. Like a lot of people have PTSD from other shit. But I think...

I think this is tough, right? Because I have really preached therapy to my family and it's actually helped us out a lot. And the only one who won't go, obviously, is my father, who's the one who needs it the most. But I've gotten my brothers to go to it. I think, and it's tough because he says men shouldn't go. Because I was going to say, maybe you go and show how it's helped. Because that's what helped me convince people in my life to go, is that there were tangible improvements.

They knew that I was doing better and I can show that to them. I could be like, hey, this has helped me in X ways. You should go to help. It could possibly help you in these ways. But,

He's a bit of a tough nut to crack here. I would research, if anything, if he is a vet, I think there's specific outreach groups for vets where they have like... It's not one-on-one. It's like group therapy sessions. A little bit like what AA is sort of like, I would assume. Support groups, I guess, is kind of the way to put it. But even that, a guy like this would probably call gay. But that's...

To convince him to go into that, it's just like... I think the other thing that, you know...

That's a reasonable thing here is that he clearly, you know, loves you. You guys have a good relationship. And I think all you can do is kind of hammer home how this is important to you, right? Like that he is doing this not for himself, but for you because it affects your relationship. It would help you out. You know, you're stressed out in a number of ways and that you would really appreciate it. And, you know, if he really does treat you like a queen, like you're saying, and you're very committed to him,

I think you could say this would really help me feel better. And you could, you know, there could be other reasons for it. Maybe you grew up with people that had certain, behaved this way. Maybe that triggers you in certain ways. So I think, you know, or getting friends involved. I don't know if he has more open-minded friends or if his friends are all kind of the same way. But,

That's kind of the things I would look for is kind of look at things that are maybe a more acceptable entry point. Like just talk, you know, groups of guys with like-minded experiences. And then just be honest about how it would make you feel so much better. And that maybe if he treats you like a queen, you're like, this would mean so much more to me than like,

Giving me money to get my nails done or getting flowers. It's like, please skip one of those or whatever pampering and please go to therapy would mean so much to me. I think that, that, you know, you might be able to do something there, but it's very tough. You know, I understand that some people just have an aversion to it, but yeah.

The support group group therapy thing is a good idea just because that is people who did live through the same experience and are dealing with the same kind of shit. Have you guys seen that show on Showtime called Couples Therapy? No. It's pretty cool. It's just a therapist in New York, and there's three seasons of it out so far, I think. But it really is just a bunch of different couples going to these couples therapy sessions. And it's like...

A pretty good representation in media of what therapy is actually like and should be like. It's not overly dramatized or anything. It just shows people searching through it, maybe showing him something like that just to help dispel what he thinks therapy is in his mind. Seeing different men in a relationship or something being vulnerable and actually using therapy. They're all different people.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It's tough. Show them The Sopranos. Yeah. You know? Joe, this is worse than the cop thing, Joe's opinion on The Sopranos. We can't even get... I won't even look at him right now. I love cops and I hate The Sopranos. I mean... Oh, my God. Let's get into it. No, we can't. We really can't. He's just... Those back-to-back are two of the worst opinions I've ever heard in my life. If you had to pick two opinions... Cops are good. Sopranos are bad. I don't get it. Why is that so crazy?

One's underrated, one's overrated. Cops are underrated. Awesome, awesome take. Your point about this is great. I just want to reiterate, it does not work to help people to say, do this for you, because they are in there and they go, I don't need this. I'm a strong guy. You have to say, do it for me, for us. You're going to lose me if you don't do it. That gets through to people more. Absolutely. They don't understand the idea of like, you'll feel better. They're like,

I don't want to feel better. I like how I feel. You have to say, yeah, exactly. You have to say, I will feel better. Do this for us. Yeah. So good luck, Jazz. We're rooting for you. We're rooting for your guy. This one has suspected spam on it. I can't wait. I can't wait. Is there a child screaming in the other room? I said, me and my girl, we've been good five years or so. She's got my password. I don't have hers. I never asked for them. Anyway, I took her phone from her.

while she was on it, acting all sus. And once she started going through it, seeing a bunch of deleted messages that someone, somebody just told me I didn't have to worry about. And then I kind of flipped out, human nature. But then I let the phone go blank, so I couldn't get back in. But I seen what I needed to see. It was nothing crazy, but the fact that she's deleting these messages on me,

And now she's, uh, turning it against me like I'm the bad guy. She hasn't spoken to me in three weeks. No talk, no text. I'm blocked. What do I do? Do I give up? I mean, I love this broad, but I can't get any communication. Like I said, she made me feel like the asshole here when she's hiding shit. What do I do, baby? Let me know.

Hmm, this is a tough one. Yeah. It doesn't feel good, brother. It doesn't feel like there's any good solution here. But doesn't it feel like if you really love her, you've got to respect her desire to not hear from you? Yes, for sure. But let's just go through the facts a little bit because this guy, you know, a little mumbly, couldn't really hear it. Raised him for five years. Five years or so, things were going well. She has his passwords. Yeah.

She can get into his shit. Right. And then he took her... Well, taking her phone from her and looking at stuff, that's a weird move. I mean, you just... Like, I get it if you're feeling self-conscious, whatever, but looking through a phone is fucking... That's a weird move. I'm sorry. And I get it. You saw something suspect, right?

The thing is, nothing good is coming of this, right? You did overstep your... You overstepped what you should have done. And maybe it's kind of like... It's kind of like how, you know, an illegal search is inadmissible in court. You know what I mean? It's like... Which is bullshit. Gotta change that a lot. Keep going. Elders, thanks for leaving and only coming back to cough for 15 straight seconds. Um...

Uh, so yeah, basically if she did something wrong, which it sounds like she's got some deleted messages. Like to me, it sounds like shit is fucking weird here because if you just looked at her stuff, uh,

And nothing bad was happening and she wasn't really hiding or she was hiding something a little bit, whatever. This would be an argument and you guys would probably get over it in like a week and you'd have to apologize for going through her phone. And you could be like, hey, don't you think it's kind of weird? You have my passwords. I don't have yours. And maybe you guys could figure that out. But the fact that she's taking it this hard or she is... She either is so annoyed at you looking through her phone that it's a deal breaker or...

She was doing something fucked up and she's taking this as an opportunity to kind of flip the tables on you and be like, you look through all my shit. I never want to see you again. Whereas she's been cheating on you or was preparing to cheat on you. And this is kind of like her way out.

Either way, unless you're, like, unless you're ready for some bad news about why she's not talking to you for this long, shit seems kind of bad, dude. I mean, if you saw something suspect, but you said it was nothing crazy, but she's behaving this way, it's weird. I mean, five years is such a long time that I think it does merit another conversation. Like, I think it would be bizarre for a relationship of five years to end this way. But...

I don't know. It's kind of strange. If she won't make any contact with you and you've tried, it's a dick move on her part to possibly be cheating on you and then also just cut you off like this, but...

I also want to know what is... And then I kind of flipped out, I mean. Did you get violent? Did you break shit? Like, maybe we don't even have the full story here and it's not about somebody going through a phone. It's about a minor misunderstanding that turned into a fucking huge anger issue where you broke shit, you called her a cunt, you know what I mean? Accused her of shit that didn't happen. So you said human nature...

But what is human nature to you and what is human nature to some people? That's another possibility. Did you get abusive? Did you get over the top? Because then you might have just fucked up the relationship and she might, you know, she's well within her rights to be like, I didn't like the way you behaved, even if she did nothing wrong. But those are really your two options. It's either you fucked up so bad and accused her of nothing and reacted in a way that was so detrimental that she needs a long break from you and maybe wants to end the relationship. Or...

She is taking this as an opportunity to just be like, well, I was cheating on him anyway, so fuck this guy. And either one of those is bad. But if it is you fucking up, there is a possibility for you to come back from that. You just have to be very honest with yourself and realize that that's what you did and not dismiss it flippantly as saying it's human nature. But it's not a good situation, brother. I'm sorry to say. At least from the information we have. Yeah, I agree. It doesn't sound good. Well, people...

If someone just has blocked you on everything, they're either crazy or you fucked up really bad. Yeah. But the fact that you were together for five years makes me think she's not crazy. And I am very suspicious. It seems like somebody's manipulating somebody. Yeah. But that... It's very...

I went... I kind of flipped out. And then he says human nature. You know, human nature. You flip out and now she's blocked me on all things. I'm like, that seems like maybe he smashed some shit. She was like, this guy's crazy. Especially if she didn't do anything wrong, right? If you just saw a weird... Like, whatever. Anyway, it's tough. I don't know. We don't have enough information here about what was in those messages, who they were deleted messages to, what the other context was, and what you flipping out meant. But...

But that's the way I read it with what the information were given. We're rooting for you. Hopefully, you know, maybe she's calm down. Maybe she's like, you know, let some time pass and she can talk to you. Or maybe it may be the relationship is done. It would feel a little strange for five years to end that way. But either what you did was real bad or either she was acting actually sus. So it's not good either way. All right. What about one to send us off with a fun one, Eldis?

Got anything? Sure. Got anything nice for us? Sorry, I did actually leave to close the window because I was picking up noise, but I shoved a few fries in my mouth. So that's what the show was. But I left for a real reason. I'm happy to know there's fries out there. There's still fries out, baby. All right, let's get one to play us off.

Hey, Sabi, I need some advice. I'm a 28-year-old woman, relatively attractive, married. I have the husband, the house, the sports car, decent job, no kids.

But I have no girlfriends. All my friends are my husband's friends. We all get along great. We all meet up all the time. But when they bring their girlfriends around, they usually don't like me. When I ask the guys, they usually say it's not me. It's them. Not to worry about it. But I have to be the problem, right? How am I...

How can I be a better person? And how can I be more likable? Am I just a bitch? Am I intimidating? Am I doomed to be friendless? Thanks, Savi. Love the show. Wow. Okay. Interesting. Well, this is nature. I mean, most women have very few women friends. Women are bad people. They hate each other. I know.

I mean, one of the best... One of my favorite jokes of all time on Family Guy, when they did one of the Star Wars ones, and they say, this is whoever, she's the only woman in the whole galaxy. And she goes, I don't like her. It's like a great... I mean, there's...

So many women don't have friends. Elaine Bennis, you're a man's woman. Sure, sure. You hate other women and they hate you. Right, right, right. It's very natural. Sarah, I feel like, has more guy friends than girlfriend. Most women I know have more guy friends. Men are better. It's not you. Who says you need female friends? Suck off your fucking husband's friends the way I like Sarah to do.

And just be cool. Why do you need a female friend? The Sopranos and women are bad. Joe List. No, I love women. I have many female friends. Sarah's upset about it. I have several female friends and I love women. But many women don't get along great with women. That's the standard. I think there is a lot going on here, right? Because she's young. She's got a great setup, right? And she clearly doesn't have...

I will say that there's twofold things. There's what you're talking about, which happens to some subset of women. All women. I know, you know, like we keep mentioning her, but the person who used to live in this room, our pal Christina, she's had girlfriends her whole life. She's the rare both guys gal, and she has a ton of girlfriends. She's just a very friendly person, though. That's actually what's going on there. She's the best. But also it's hard...

It's also an age thing. I feel like at 28, when you're kind of entrenched, you have a nice house, you guys are married, you're maybe not as social as you used to be, it's hard to make friends as an adult. That's just a hard thing in general. We have a very social job where a lot of downtime is just hanging out. So we do pick up more friends than I think the average person because we're just in a

bar or a restaurant hanging out before doing spots. And it's like, oh yeah. And if you hit it off with someone on a lineup, we'll be friends. We'll hang out. We have the same schedule. But if you just have a regular job,

It's kind of tough. Now, not being integrated into the girlfriends group, that is what gives me a little pause about, you know, she's, and she has some self-awareness here, where she's like, am I the problem? Because it's possible she is. I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, are you kind of, are you, now intimidating, that's the, that's the highlighted word for me. That's the first time where, you know, it's like,

Are you intimidating? Is intimidating a euphemism for bitch? Because that happens a lot. A lot of people that say I'm just intimidating are either an asshole or a bitch or some combination of both.

But you sound like that's not you. Yes. She sounds nice and self-aware. And she's in the other group. All my friends are my husband's friends. We all get along great. We all meet up all the time. When they bring their girlfriends, they don't usually like me. So the girlfriends are the outsiders. They hate her because she's in with the dudes. She's hanging with the dudes. She penetrated the dude group.

They don't like her because all the husbands come home and they say to their wives, oh, Pete's wife is the best. She's like one of us. She likes football. And they go, that fucking cunt. She doesn't like football. She's pretending to like football because she wants to fuck my man. Or whatever bullshit. That's why. She's in the guy group. That's possible. But she says, how can I be a better person? And how can I be more likable? Or am I just a bitch? Am I intimidating?

And am I doomed to be friendless? She does seem like friendly and self-aware enough. I do get like a little something in her voice. A little of that alpha female girl boss. Maybe she's just a little too frank or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In like, you know, friendly conversation. But again, she's hanging out with a dude. She's probably like, shut up, bitch. And then they're like, what? Yeah, she's like, you got fat tits, you fucking cunt. And then they're like, what the hell? And maybe those girls are dumb bitches too. It's possible. I would say to her like,

If she even... Well, first ask yourself, like, do you even care about being friends with them? With these women, right? Yeah, yeah. Just because you don't fit into this group doesn't mean you're doomed to be friendless, right? Are there... What is your track record, though, right? Let's not base it off these women. Let's see. Do you have, you know... We've mentioned it a couple times. We've...

We've been friends since we were fucking in kindergarten, right? I have friends that I've known 25 plus years. I have friends from pretty much every stage of my life, really, where it's like someone stuck around from elementary school, high school, college, early comedy, moving to New York. It's like I can... There's people I can say from every aspect of my life that I've, you know, built this friend group with.

Do you have those friends? Like, when did this start becoming an issue, right? Do you have friends from childhood, from adolescence, from college, from starting your job? Have you never had any girlfriends in that situation? Because if that's the case, then there is something about you, right? Like, there is something to see. But if you've had, if you have girlfriends who maybe just live...

Back home, you don't get to see them as much or, you know, life gets they have they have, you know, they're just in different places. Schedules don't match up and you have friends that you like to see, but you just can't. And you're just looking for a group of friends in your hometown now settling into your new married life, all that stuff.

Like making you... Is it a making friends an adult problem or is it something that has plagued you your whole life? And if it's your whole life, then yeah, you have to do a little more introspection and think about that. We don't know enough about you to say what that is. Eldest posited to guess. Maybe you're a little too frank. Maybe you don't try and be nice. Maybe you're just ball busty like one of the guys. That's possible. But just a guess. We're just a shot in the dark. Um...

Do you want to make... If these aren't the girls you want to make friends with, who do you want to make friends with, right? Someone talked about... We answered the question about dating and how that club promoter has to wade through a bunch of boring stuff. Making friends as an adult is kind of like dating where you might have to go to have a lunch with a co-worker just to see if you hit it off or go to an event where... What are you into? Are you into certain kind of film, cinema, like...

If you want to be a film nerd, go to a re-screening of a classic movie at a cool movie theater. Are you an art person? Go to some kind of event at a museum. You're going to have to kind of try and make friends

where, you know, where the kind of people you want to be friends with are and just be more open-minded and friendlier and maybe just chat people up as a nice, cute woman. You have the ability to have friendly conversations in a way that a fat, balding man, it might be harder to have just an innocent conversation. So,

Those, you know, that's kind of it. It's good that you're asking these questions. I would say think about them historically. And if you've never had girlfriends your whole life, anything, then maybe there is something to you. If you have, then maybe it's just this group. I'd also say if she cares about this group, like just...

Start a group thread with the girls and, like, propose a fucking girls hang or not. And that's how you really know, like, even if they don't like you, there's still that social pressure to say yes for the good of the greater community. Right. And, you know, you can just feel them out that way. Sure. And even if they say no, like, the first time, try it a couple times if they just constantly come up with bullshit. Yeah.

Maybe they don't like your ass. Yeah. But, like, make the effort to, like, you know, actually hang out with them and feel them out. Hear them complain about their boyfriends, whatever girls do when they get together. Yeah, whatever bullshit.

Whatever gay bullshit. It's not taking mushrooms and watching Tenet. I'll tell you that much. Which is what me and the fellas did on Christmas Eve last year. Or two years ago. I'm just saying, I just want to make sure you don't beat yourself up because this is a very natural problem. Every woman I know is like, I don't have enough lady friends.

So this is, I just don't want someone beating themselves up because it's like when I go to the therapy, I'm like, I hate the dentist. I'm freaking out. I don't want to go. And he's like, everybody hates the dentist. Right, right, right. What are you talking about? They all hate the, so women, this is a common, I don't say, I'm joking a little bit. This is very common for women. I just don't want you to sit there going, am I a bitch? Well, but she does want, it sounds like she wants friends though. So you don't want to beat yourself up, but you also want to figure out how to make friends, I think. Yeah, don't be such a cunt, but I'm saying...

A lot of people have this problem. Yes, it is definitely a common problem. I think with age, it's harder to definitely make friends that you click with. Um, but you sound great to us, but then again, you're a guy's gal. So maybe that's not what you're looking for. You need, you want girls to like you, but, uh,

I think you're going to figure it out. Thank you to everybody who listened. 904-800-STAV. Call in. Thank you to Liquid Death, our first sponsors here at Stavi's World. And of course, thank you to Joe List, one of the best in the biz. Hilarious. Go watch his special. Subscribe to his YouTube. Go see him in Detroit and you might catch me and see me and him having breakfast at a diner. And please be brief when you say hello.

don't milk it. We're happy to see you too, but we're just two friends having a nice time. I just remember last time we were together in public, a guy came up and was like, do you work for Stavros? Yeah, that was brutal. I'm going to kill myself. Thanks, guys, and we'll talk to you soon. Bye, love ya.