#100 - Sam Morril and Rachel Feinstein
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Welcome everybody to episode 100 of Stavi's World. We have an incredible episode with two favorite Sam and Rachel coming up right now. But first, I gotta tell you, we are in theaters, baby. Let's start a cult. My movie, I co-wrote it, I star in it. Please go see it if you haven't. We are in a ton of theaters. I think we're in over 100 theaters as of this release of this podcast. We have it here somewhere. Elders will put it in post. You get it.

please right now go to stavi.biz slash movie, check and see if it's playing near you. And if it is, please go see the movie. It's under 90 minutes. It's a stupid comedy, vulgar, dumb jokes. If you love this podcast, if you love what I do, you're going to love the movie, and it would mean a lot if you checked it out. Now, please do that. And without further ado, let's start episode 100, baby.

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-3... What the... Why don't you have the fucking thing up? 800. 904-800-STAV. It's episode 100. I still don't know the... Episode 100, I still don't know the number by heart.

Which is kind of insane. 100 episodes. Sam was actually, you were episode number one. I told you I didn't want to be on with him. He brings my brand down. I'm sorry. Yeah, you were episode like nine or something. I talked to my lawyer about this legit already. That me too won't stay. I'm dead. I'm dead.

Bulletproof bag, baby. One stick is great. Like an allocation with no legs. You had your chance. There was six months in 2019 where it might have worked, but we skated. But Harvey went down. Harvey died for everyone's sins. He's sort of like Molester Jesus. It's Harvey and Epstein. Yeah.

You're right. Every other rapist has a fucking shrine for him. We need a diversity race. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even the Illuminati have diversity quotas. They're like, all right, we need one black rapist as well, not just... I love that they were saying, like, with all the baby oil thing for Diddy, there was, like, the 1,000 bottle thing, and then they're like, oh, maybe he got it at Costco, and even Costco was like, he didn't get it. Like, they put out a press release. Yeah, we don't sell baby oil. Yeah, it wasn't us. It wasn't us.

Oh, sorry. What I saw, by the way, a lot of the headlines about Diddy are amazing. Like, one of them was, Diddy, like, has new troubles or something. Troubles? I'm a mass rapist. Yeah, that's such amazing. Poor guy. Right?

rough patch. Just a little rough patch. He's like feeling down today. Yeah. He is going down. He needs to be on St. John's ward. I'm like, what the fuck? All you need is a little zinc and a good night's rest, Diddy. And you'll be right as rain. This trouble's grown.

Yeah, he really was a supervillain, huh? Just living, you're just allowed to live that way for a while. And what's amazing is that you called him a mensch. What did you mean by that? That was, well, see, I don't know. I consider every Yiddish word a curse. So...

So I don't want to ask you anything Jewish, Greek people find negative. So I thought I was... Right, right, right. I thought I was being very negative towards him. I was just confused because after it all came out, you texted me underrated genius. Yeah, Eldis is really distraught because he looked up to a producer that worked with a very fat...

Talented man who... Eldest was planning to have me taken down like Biggie. Eldest was planning to become the podcast Puffy. Hopefully Eldest doesn't outlive you. I actually was a huge Puffy fan when I was a little kid. I remember that. I would literally go to Eldest's house and it was the Godzilla...

When Godzilla was coming out. I had the Godzilla soundtrack. You had the Godzilla soundtrack? The Matthew Broderick Godzilla? Yeah. Eldest was a huge fan. We listened to the soundtrack. That video was the Led Zeppelin sample. Oh, yeah, it was Led Zeppelin. By the way, Robert Plant, Underage Women as well. Yeah, yeah. I mean, every musician. Every musician we like. Every musician until, I guess, maybe six months ago. And even then, it's like...

Like, it's probably... No, they were just molested, the new crop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Bieber was fucked. He didn't do this. Yes, yes, yes. Somebody was like... Somebody actually had this take, like, at a comment. They were like, well, let's wait till more allegations come out. I'm like, come on. Like, there's, like, there's, like, 120, like, lawsuits. Where there's smoke, there's rape. Like, it's not... That guy... Whoever said that is looking... My grandma told me that when I used to go to work. She really didn't want you to smoke cigarettes. She said, you're a bitch.

The Marlboro Man. Follow all your dreams. Where there's smoke, there's rape.

I love that everyone's like, the tapes are going to blow your mind. I'm like, no, we're expecting rape. I think I know. I don't think it's going to shock us that much. I think I know, yeah. Blow your mind is what they say about a summer blockbuster. Godzilla, dude. That's one of my favorite movies. Come with me, dude. That was a banger. Oh, man, yeah. Bad Boy for Life. I remember when Brady and Gronk had their big comeback. They came back to bed. It was like, you know, bed.

Bad boys for life. That was a cool fucking riff. Is Mace going crazy? Have you been keeping tabs with him at all? Mace is actually, he has a podcast with Cam Rock. I know, that's what I'm saying. That looks fucking awesome. But has he been saying anything? Wait, was Mace involved in the Diddy thing? Because that's my walk-up music. I don't think so. It feels so good. Is it really? It's amazing.

It was a good song. Mace is so underrated. Mace is awesome. Harlem World, great album. Yeah, you were a big Mace fan as a child as well. Cameron was great. Of course. It feels so good. Incredible song, right? Yeah, yeah. It's a good one. But I was just wondering if he's been... I wonder if he's been saying anything about all the Diddy stuff or if he's waiting...

I don't think he's come out saying anything specific. I think I saw a clip where Cameron and him were talking about it, and they were just making jokes, but he was insane shit, really. Well, keep tabs on it, folks. We're just covering the Diddy stuff. Except probably by now, he's been killed in jail. By the time this episode comes out... He's committed suicide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By now, Hillary Clinton's fingerprints are being wiped off his jail cell as we speak.

Oh, man. Yeah, that is... He really did have a crazy, crazy super villain run. And Bill really skated by. He was at the DNC. Yeah. I mean, he just fully was on the island. It's crazy. Yeah, it is insane. He got away with it. Everyone's just allowed to be a pedophile. He's like, and no one gives a fuck. It's insane. I will say one thing about Diddy, though. He was a great dad. Yeah.

Yeah, aren't people saying his son was like his rape protege? Really? Yeah. I saw one TikTok. I shouldn't say that. I don't even know who his son is, but... God, can you imagine? It's like Cat's Cradle, but instead of cats, they're just raping. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah, they're just like, they're just oiling up Meek Mill in a Miami mansion. Fuck, his name is the one that... Damn, yeah. Poor Meek, that poor...

That poor man, man. He just... I think Meek Mill's life was he wished on a... He did like a monkey paw wish to, I want to fuck Nicki Minaj. And then it happened and then everything else. Drake humiliated him. Diddy probably did some untoward things with him. Yeah, it is...

I bet you a lot of like, there's probably guys out there who want everything silenced so that people don't know that they were like, you know, worked over by Diddy. I bet you there's probably like some like macho dudes that are like, the records must remain sealed. I don't want them to know. And I won't even speculate. I want to change up my Spotify playlist. I want to keep this shit. What's fascinating to me is

to me is that J-Lo has been completely silent and also posting a lot too. I keep waiting for her to make a statement and it's just her doing a horror crawl like, I'm back again. She's smart. She needs to continue whatever's going on with Ben Affleck because that's so funny that people are like, who cares?

Who gives a shit who's accomplished his sex crimes in the 90s? I just saw a New York Post thing. It said Ben Affleck dyes beard amidst divorce woes. I'm like, you're talking about, just let the guy walk. Yeah. He's dying. He's not in a good place. Dying your beard is a next level divorce guy move. It really is. That's fucking crazy. It is dark terrain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just always looks so funny.

I just love how he slams a car door every time he gets out. I mean, he's a man who was...

made to be divorced. Like as a baby, it was like this baby will thrive as a divorced 50-year-old millionaire. He made a monkey paw wish too. He gets an Academy Award. He gets to fuck all these actresses, but he will never be happy. That's his monkey paw. I love him. And he makes such great stuff. Town's great. Gone Baby Gone. Insanely good movie. He's always just red and furious. And definitely my type.

For sure. Yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, he has an anger problem. Yeah, your husband's got a little something. Your husband's got a little some Affleck vibes to him. Might throw you down a flight of stairs. You'd forgive him. He'd be like, I'm so sorry, baby. Yeah, he just looks like he's like an emotional desert, a guttural alcoholic. What's not to fucking love? Vegas.com. Where you at?

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No purchase necessary. VGW Group. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's going to blow all your money and dump some dumb casino. Was there the first... Who was the first one of like... Because I feel like you were... Every like childhood story that I hear about you is like you were just such a pure dumb soul that you were just...

The world just like, you had no preparation for like people being mean to you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like you just seemed nice. So it's like, was there like a, when you get to New York and you're, and I also love the little detail that, didn't you live, who were your roommates? It was a hilarious roommate situation. I moved with, I was roommates with Sherrod. I was roommates, I moved with a guy in his band called Dick Sister. So I was like the Yoko Ono Dick Sister. Dick Sister.

Sherrod and Dick's sister. That's awesome. I live with a band called Mongrel Bitch, and it was like a studio apartment. That's incredible. It was just the lead singer of Mongrel Bitch. It was on the top bunk, and I was on the bottom. And I would come in at like 3 in the morning, like I'd kick off my boots like a fucking gross slut. It was her and her daughter. And she'd be like, Mommy, who's that? You live in a studio apartment with a family? The woman and her daughter. Oh, my God.

And then I met a Bengali family on the Greyhound after Dick Sister dumped me and I moved in with them. This is the saddest start to a memoir right there. This is incredible. I know. I know, and it's all completely true. Like, there's not an aspect of it I'm exaggerating at all. And it was the guy who faked that he was in the service? Oh, yeah, I did date a guy for a while that pretended to be in the war in Iraq. Yeah.

Hold on, hold on. This is so much better than I was just remembering Sherrod. I thought that was going to be good. I didn't realize there's like eight weird living situations. So you get off the Greyhound bus from Montgomery County, Maryland, and you get to New York. What's the first...

What's the first like living situation was dick sister? I'm dick sister and were you dating someone in the band? Yeah, I was dating the lead singer and then dick sister. Yes And he kept like re dumping me like the dumps weren't taking I'm riding this train all the way

And my mom had like no follow-up questions because she's just, that's how liberal she is. She was just outside in a dashiki like this. Like no follow-up. And then, like nothing. By the way, he was five years older than me. It was like a statutory rape. I think my mom was like, I like it. How old were you? I was like 15 when we started dating and he was like 20. What the fuck? Wait, it literally was statutory rape? I thought you were like,

Dick's sister has some diddy stuff going on. Did sister.

- I thought you were like 21 in this story. I didn't think you were-- - I was 17 when I moved to New York. - What the fuck? - With my dick sister. - This honestly-- - And then I met a family on the Greyhound, a woman, I was weeping after being freshly dumped by dick sister and this woman, Bengali woman on the Greyhound. - I had to catch up on your algebra homework. You were sad. You helped him file for social security benefits and you were trying to get the quadratic equation down.

And some Indian guy helped you with it. And he was like, come live with my family. R. Kelly tapped you. He was like, you should come to this party. It's really good. It's good.

It's a good time. I will say, I keep, I want to hear more details, but I will just make a quick aside that you're the best example of how good positive thinking can be for a person. Because what you're describing is horrific. Everything you've said is horrific. And you just have such a, like, you'd be fine to be a traumatized, useless person in society. But because you're like, have a positive outlook, it's not.

It really, you know, it's awesome. People look at, look to Rachel guys. I mean, I'm not well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I thought he looked like Paul Newman. I was like, oh, he's hot. I was with Marina Franklin, actually, and she was like, he's your type. He looks like Paul Newman, and he's red-eyed and drunk. He was like, hey, baby, let me lick that pussy. You're like, I'm going to give this a shot. Wow, it's cool hand Luke.

Oh my God. It's Butch Cassidy. He pretended that he was like back from a war. So it was just on the street truly like you just saw a guy. Outside stand up New York. Okay, nice. He was really hot. Nothing good ever happens there. It's a rough club. Yeah. You barked in a guy and then dated him. That's awesome.

Yeah, he was like, yeah, I just got back from a war. And I was like, oh, it's kind of hot, you know. And then we did some shots. And then the next day he came out and watched my show. And I bombed so violently. And I was like, oh, this guy's never going to want to see me again. And then he met me at the bar. And I mean, it was like a violent, like an emergency bomb where you feel like you need to be lifted out of the space. Oh, no, you're just sweating. Yeah. I hate that shit. And I meet him at the bar. And he was like, I got something to tell you. He knew it was the right moment. He's like, I was never in the war. Yeah.

you bombed so bad it excused his stealing valor he was like me and this person are equals she's so unfunny that she will accept that I lied about serving in Desert Storm he started not walking with a limp anymore that's exactly what happened really he faked a limp and saw it on our scene wow holy shit I know that you told me that that's amazing yeah he absolutely

- He absolutely faked a limp and then he was like, "The limp wasn't real." And I was like, "Eh, it's okay." - Holy shit. - I still thought he was better than me 'cause he had an apartment and he was like a foreman on a construction site. And he was always sorry, which is very hot to me. So he was always like, "I'm sorry." - And number two, he's like, "I don't really work at a construction site. "I just got this hat somewhere "and I've been standing on the corner." - I had to do despicable things to a member of the village people for this hat. But I knew it would help me get

impressionable teenagers on the street. Fuck, you were impressed he didn't have a bunk bed as an adult? I was. That's all it took for me. It was literally a person that had an apartment and I was like, oh, they're above me. Like he was shit.

shit face every night would end at us in a Port Authority bar and him just glaring at some stranger. Those were some good bars around there. Okay, all right, all right. It was a good dive. All right, I take it back. I forgot I'm dealing with an alcoholic. Hey, shout out Rudy. Hey, this guy sounds all right. Rudy's, you get a free hot dog with every round. Oh yeah, that is, that place is cool.

Now hot dogs got me in. All our vices. Men that are bad for us drinking food in a row. All right, so we all need to just start hanging out at Rudy's. I used to call AA like the hotline every day and I'd be like, you don't understand. He's an alcoholic. They're like, yeah, yeah, he has to call. He's never going to call. He makes shots.

shots are the problem like it didn't even occur to me that i shouldn't be calling a every day to get how many drinks are we talking oh my god can you imagine i can't even imagine i mean at a certain point he was just kind of rocking and falling forward and then he would glare at some woman at the bar like he was always starting beef with somebody and i'm like this is my old 65 year old divorce lady i'm like what beef could you possibly have with virginia like he's like uh

He was accusing me of not having his back. He's like, you never back me up. You never fucking back me up in a conflict. What the fuck? So wait, so this is, I need the chronology. You literally do need to write a memoir. This is fascinating. You really should. The chronology is you're how old and how old is he now?

point I was a dick sister and I had already fallen for him. Dick sister's over. Yes. You're living with the Bengali family? I was living with the Bengali family. This was dick sister the early years. Yeah, this was post dick sister in the prime of the Bengali family. Yes. And where were you living? Like in Queens? And I was, and I met him, yeah, I guess I was about 23 and then he was like 33 and I moved in with him right after he told me that he wasn't really fresh from a war. Wow.

I was like, let me get my suitcase. Jesus Christ. That's amazing. I'm going to guess the Bengali family lived in Queens? They did. They lived in Woodhaven, Queens. And you needed to be in the city. Yeah. You needed to fuck for shelter in Manhattan. It was kind of part of it. Yeah. Well, he lived closer to the city. He lived in West New York, so he had to take a bus like way over. Oh my God. I know, this is so dark. He didn't live in the city. Yeah.

By the way, you guys, every day I was like, I can't believe my luck. Yeah, you're like, wow. This blue-eyed man. That's a big apple. Looking back, did he kind of look like Paul Newman? Yes, he was very hot. He was probably hot. He was jacked.

And he would just come home just fucking red-eyed, just full of lies. I was sifting through garbage. I'm like, this is liquor. This is liquor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, babe, I'm not fighting with you tonight. I'm not taking the bait. That's what he'd say. He's just reliving whatever divorce he just went through. He, like, is fully going through his first marriage. Take it.

Taking the pain is good. He's gaslighting you. You stumble into the apartment like, you can't keep doing this to me. I love throwing that on someone. None of your rhetorical tricks tonight. He said that once right before he passed out. I was like, you are drunk, Chris. He's like, I'm not drunk. I'm not taking your fucking piss. And he just softly fell forward into the carpet. That's fucking incredible.

I'm like, your nose is broken. He's like, babe, I'm not doing this. Do you keep tabs on him? Have you seen where he's been? He messaged me a few times, but I've not talked to him in many, many, many years. I mean, it would be, Dave Juskow invited him to his football pool because he thinks it's funny to invite every guy that I've ever broken up with to his football pool. So I know he's still in Dave's pool. Whenever I leave someone, Dave's like, well, I heard his side. I'm like, fuck you.

That's such a bizarre technique to just like befriend your friend's exes. He's fucking with her. He's fucking with her. Dave's hilarious. Dave is very funny. Yeah. I mean. Yeah, he does. He thinks it's funny to ask them all to be in his pool. And they're all in his pool, by the way. Even Chris's brother is in his pool. He's like, he made some good points. This is so long ago. I know. He's still in his pool for many, many years. Yeah.

He keeps in touch with all of them. - What the fuck? That's awesome. - Yeah, like my ex that cheated on me with a bartender, he was like, "He was actually really sweet when he explained what happened to me." He got blown and I caught him.

How'd you catch it? I walked into the bar. Oh, my God. Finishing up a bar job. Wait, you guys were at the bar together? Yes. And he popped back? No, I came in to check on him. Oh, okay. I had a feeling he was up to things. By the way, I don't... And he just finished? He just finished.

- He's giving his best. - Wow, that's like, not tonight, honey. - Yeah, I'm not taking the bait. - I told my mom all this, by the way. My mom, who's like a bleeding heart liberal. Anybody that's not white, she always sides with him. - When I thought he was white. - He was Puerto Rican, this guy. And I go, mom, I was like, he got a blow job. And my mom was like, well, you don't understand. - It's their culture. - And she's not as racist. - She's so liberal, she's racist? Hispanics can't help themselves.

They're kind of closer to animals than a white man.

That is crazy you walked in on a blowjob. That is some dark shit. He was finishing it up. That's the worst part. Hey, honey! You didn't blowjob bad, but him just coming is so much worse. So much worse. Meanwhile, my mom was like, you need to have some compassion. His mother was incarcerated.

I love the guys you're picking, by the way. It's not good. It's not good. Your mom raised you to be so open-minded that you made horrible, horrible choices. Yes, and she always, always, always will side with the guy. Interesting. Unless he's glistening white, and then he's the devil as far as Karen's concerned. Interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, she's always like, try to bring in the childhood when you think about it. I'm like, what the fuck?

Well, you know, maybe, you know, as a kid, he put his dick in Play-Doh every time he had apple juice. And that's kind of like going to the bar when you're a kid. And, you know, were you sucking his cock at the bar? Because if not, he needed that.

And maybe you're being selfish. That's so fucking funny. God damn. What a run. That is a crazy walk in. Mm hmm. Mid dicks. I mean, he was like pulling his pants up like I didn't see the act. Like I just saw him kind of, you know, tidying afterwards. Right, right, right. And he tried to tell me some sort of tale. Maybe he didn't finish that. In that case, I feel for him. In some ways, I am shocked.

Like, so you... Just let me get this clear. You guys went to the bar together? No, I went to the bar to see what was going on. Oh, so you knew he was at the bar. Because he wasn't coming home. I see, I see. And then I came there and he, like, came out of the bathroom with another young...

the lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Because if you were... You worked your lips off and I put two and two together. If you were at the bar and he somehow managed to negotiate a blowjob while there with someone else, I would have to begrudgingly respect him more than I felt sorry for you. That's fair. Because that would have been an insane move. And I don't even understand how... Like, I remember one time I was riding my bike in Baltimore and there were, like, guys in jail. Like, they take them out to, like, do...

like clean up the park or whatever. And they're hitting on women.

and they're actively in jail and they're like, "I'll be home soon." You know, like trying to get pussy from jail six months in the future. And I'm like too shy to talk to them as a free man. You know what I mean? And I'm like, I really wish I had some guys, you know. - But they have nothing to lose. That's why they're doing it. - And a lot of them are dating. - Those guys aren't getting me too'd. - Yeah, that's true. - You know, wearing a yellow jumpsuit or whatever.

Yeah, I don't remember the color. And a lot of women do date guys in prison. And they have multiple girlfriends. They don't look like they have one. That's awesome. They have to fill up their whole commissary account. Yeah, that's true. You need some ramen. You need some Laffy Taffys. Yeah, who's going to fucking get you gum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've all seen those docs, though, where these serial killers have women waiting for them.

Yeah, but that's another thing, though. That's like, they're so crazy. Like, that's a woman that's insane. You know, that's a specific kind of like... But there's prison dating. Like, I remember years ago, Mackie and I went on that as like a goof. And then we were like, look at these fucking chicks. And then we're like, there's hot chicks out here. You get real thin. You're like, not bad. Oh, come on. Theft? Yeah, whatever. Oh, it was a felony because it was a diamond ring? I don't fucking care.

- You know, if I could, I'd be like the Robin Hood of pussy and take it away from these prisoners. - Right, right, right. - And bartenders and good men who deserve it. - Thank you. That's a noble-- - The scientist. - That's a noble call. If you're working to reverse global warming, we'll transport you. We'll do a switcheroo right in between. - There should be programs for the most dangerous people and the most heroic people.

like potential school shooter, pussy program, scientist pussy program, you know? Help everyone out. Yeah, you're right. I'm thinking, you know, maybe we do a charity show, Town Hall, we get some comics together. Yep, yep, yep. And these would be, who's blowing them, you think, professionals? Yeah, we need some pros in there. Oh, yeah, if it's pros, that's true. Pro bono. I just would feel bad kind of tricking women into sucking off school shooters. No, no, no, we don't trick them. Yeah, yeah.

You know, there's people that stand up for the military. I'm that kind of guy. Call me a bleeding heart, whatever you want to say. I just would feel bad doing that. Empathy might get in the way when it came to grooming girls to blow school shooters. It's incredible sense. I never said grooming. I'm talking adults. Yeah, someone's projecting here, dick sister.

I just might feel bad. It's incredible. Right. There were a good amount of qualifiers, I guess, in hindsight. I could have been a little more definitive about that.

Oh, man. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just... So you get... Just to keep going with the chronology real fast. This guy's out. This Paul Newman's out. Or you break up with him, whatever. Is that when you move in with the family in the studio apartment? The single mother and the daughter? I think that was actually...

Yeah, I think that, I don't know if that was immediately after. It might have been like one or two before. I mean, the trauma starts to blend in. Sure, sure, sure. But I think it was before, actually, that I was in. And then I, because I remember when I left him,

I remember I asked him. I was very direct. Well, I said to him, I was like, you know, he said his biggest regret in life was not being in the military. And I said, you deserve to be with somebody that doesn't think that's hilarious. That is so funny because I don't respect people, you know, in the military. But I really don't respect someone who wishes he was in the military and couldn't do it.

He's like the dumbest guy of all time. Remember Bill Hicks bit where he's like, I support the war. I just I just don't support the troops. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Incredible. Yeah. Yeah. But also like what also almost offended me more than him being a code red emergency alcoholic.

was that his movie choices were so dumb. Give us some examples. He loved that movie. I don't know what it's called, but it's about The Rock and his niece, and he kept watching it again and again and repitching it. The Rock? Yeah. It was like some movie. I think it's The Rock hangs out with his niece. Is he a football player in the movie? I kind of remember. He's in a ballet costume or something. Yeah, and he's like, no, but he's really big and she's tiny, and then they're doing stuff together. I'm like, yeah, I understand it. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The Game Point? Sorry, sorry. I think it's called The Game Point.

Does he play a quarterback? It's his daughter. He's like, but look, she's really little. Wait, really? This is crazy. He watched this almost every day I walked in. 146 mil worldwide. This is a hit. I have seen this. He would just sit on our couch chain-smoking Marlboro Reds.

and watching the game plan. A children's movie. This is how, by the way, how does he have fucking shell shock and he never served? Like this is what you do when you come back and you're like, I need something light. Yeah, what if I never left and my daughter still talked to me? That's what this is. And he kept acting like I didn't understand the irony. He's like, she's tiny, but she's huge. Come on, it's hysterical. I love that. I'm more of a Mr. Nanny man myself, but remember that piece of shit? What's the Tooth Fairy movie? Isn't there one?

Maybe that's it. Is that with Vin? Is that with The Rock? He also likes movies where you bought a hat. Oh my God. Yes, he loved this. He watched this too. Wait, what?

Everything you say sounds fake, Rachel. 17% of them are tomatoes. Yeah, and it's 100% true. My brothers were like, they were so disturbed by him. They were like, this, you can't, they were like, you must dump him before this family wedding. Because he would glare at my brothers too. He just got so drunk, he would glare. And he was like, Chris just glares at me the whole night, you know? That's incredible. I know, he just starts rocking and glaring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he'd be like, you're not gonna have my back? You're not gonna have my back?

I'm like, that's my grandma. Yeah.

Did your brothers, did they stay local? Did they leave? No, they were stayed in Bethesda where I grew up. My older brother now, he was living in Brooklyn for a while, but now he's in L.A. And my younger brother is still in Maryland in Bethesda. Gotcha. No, they were very appalled. My brother says that he remembers, he was working in New York for a while. He remembers I used to call him at work all the time with just like the craziest situations. Like I'd be like, I need you to pick me up from this guy's house.

Like, it was always insanity. Like, something dangerous there, or what? He would be dangerous or just the dumbest shit he'd ever need to be bothered at work. I never had a bank account, so I had to write all my checks over to him. So I'm like, meet me at Citibank. You didn't have a bank account? And what...

What? Now this checks out. This checks out. And I just like, I didn't get a bank account until I was like 30 or something. And I was like, every day I would just meet my brother at Pfizer and he'd be like, Jesus, Rachel. And then I'd write all my checks over to him. And he would just give you cash? Yeah, and he would give me cash. I don't know. I'm starting to side with the Paul Newman guy. I know. We are only hearing one side. Maybe JustGal's right. We are only getting one side.

he said I called him up once at work and I was like where's Wisconsin and he's like Rachel like look at a map yeah yeah yeah and why and I was like I have to go there tomorrow it's probably like a road gig and he said that was like of all the questions because whenever he's like I always picked up because I knew it would be wait why do you have to call why can't you just go to a website to book a ticket why do you have to call him I didn't I don't not sure

I mean, it's not good. I called my brother to ask where Wisconsin is. The layers of stupidity involved in that are very... They're fascinating to me. That's awesome. Yeah. But I remember... You were just living in the moment. I respect that. I do remember feeling like maps and I still feel like this are kind of confusing. Yeah, I'm with you. I did once... I don't have that much spatial awareness. I can't make fun of you that hard because I did once. I did a gig years ago with Joe List and I booked us. We were co-headlined. It must have been 2010 or 11. And...

it was a casino run. And I think I accidentally booked us in Michigan and we were supposed to be in Wisconsin or something. And I booked us a ticket on the wrong day. And then they prorated the gig. And Joe was like, did you just fuck me? I don't, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to fucking idiot. So bad stuff. Yeah. And then also on that gig, he was like,

We're splitting the driving, right? Because it was like 30 hours of driving. I was like, you got it. And then he saw me drive and he was like, I'm driving this whole fucking week. I hate you. I hate you so much. I think I've heard of the Joe. This is a story I do have both sides of. Yeah, yeah. Joe has complained about me. And let me be the first to say, he's 100% right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is all my fault. He to this day is pissed off. He's still angry about it.

He just had a baby and he's still like scowling every once in a while about me driving. Yeah, like if it just... If any kind of road stories come up, any driving, immediately he'll tell that story. It was midnight. I can't drive either if it makes like nine at all. Yeah, you're bad.

And I'm like, I'll drive. Like, I have a license. But I'm like, I'll drive, but I'll kill us. Didn't we just get stuck somewhere? And we were like, fuck, one of us might have to drive. Yeah, we were on a road gig. Yeah, where were we? Yeah, we were in Niagara Falls. We were in Canada, yeah. Yeah. And the plane was delayed so bad that my girlfriend's like, are you going to get back? Like, surely, like, whoever you're with can drive you back. And I'm like, looking at Rachel, like, nah, I think we're fucked. Yeah.

I think we're in trouble here. I was like ready to be like, fuck it, I'll drive us because I can like, I'm not good, but confidence goes a long way. It's all confidence. That's insane, dude. That's so funny. I drove a few blocks the other day. I feel good. And she was like, you're going to die. God damn it. Yeah, but that's not a short drive.

It was a hot six hours. But we were in Baltimore, not Baltimore, fucking Buffalo. We just crossed over. Wait, did you have to drive or no? No, we waited a couple hours. They took off. We were stuck on this plane. It was like ground and just kept going. The delays kept getting longer. And he's like, we might have to drive. And I was like, okay.

I hit a UPS truck. Like, I can't. I totaled my mom's Pontiac Le Mans and hit a UPS truck. Wow. Pontiac Le Mans? Well, yeah, I'm not name dropping. I crashed my parents' car once. Isn't that the class you take when someone's pregnant? Le Mans? Le Mans. Yeah.

I think, right? The breathing, is that it or no? Yes, it is. But my mom, all our cars were used and we bought them so many times over because my mom would just be really obsessed with the mechanics. She'd be like, did I tell you Salvador has an autistic son? He's the reason I'm not going to college. Yeah, she just would get really obsessed with it. And they were like re-raping my parents. My howie doesn't know how to change a tire. Yeah.

Jews aren't good with this. We're not good with maintenance work. Remember when I was asking you recently about hanging a picture and you was like, I call my doorman. I did hang my pictures up, but there was a couple that I was like, I don't want to fucking, I just paid a guy to do it. He's like, guys, we call maintenance. I think he said that's what you call me.

That really is the most like born in Manhattan, lived in Manhattan your whole life. I'm worthless, dude. Generous, though. He'd tip him well, but he wouldn't come up serious for it. And that would kill him. My Jewish powers are getting weaker. He'd be like, here you go. They're like, you gotta let go of it. Yeah.

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Yeah, I mean, calling the doorman to hang a picture is unbelievable. It's rock star territory. I do feel like I need to start learning some... I know.

I know. Handy skills. My dad, my, also my father is a carpenter and like, he was a very handy guy. And I think there was an element of like, I'm not learning any of my dad's bullshit. Like an element of rebellion to me, not doing any of that. But now I'm like embarrassed. And I have a friend who also grew up not handy at all. And then he's like, he's become in like, he likes it. He takes an interest in it. Like if we have a minor plumbing thing, he'll be like, you know what? I'm just going to like, he'll like spend all day on YouTube and learn shit. And I'm like,

I would love to have those skills,

But going through the process of acquiring them seems like the worst thing of all time. It's never going to happen. I will say I've set up some stuff around there and you do feel satisfaction when it's done. Dude, I literally like fucking put one of those Brita filters that you put on the sink. And all I do is like unscrew the like thing with like, I don't know, pliers. He doesn't have any of the words available. He's like, all I did was the thing and put it in the thing. I don't think it's pliers. And then I was like, am I a man?

I think it's something other than pliers, but it's a pliers-like device. And I had to fucking yank it, and I was like, I'm fucking, I'm Tim the Toolman Taylor, dude. I'm the most handyman that's ever lived. Just because I...

I'm going to get mountains of pussy. Yeah, I'm a fucking handyman. Yeah, I mean, my husband does all of that stuff all day. He's like a real man. I mean, he rebuilt our whole house. Classic man, yeah. But here's the problem. But yeah, I mean, he's an emotional desert. Sure, yeah. But he goes, we're re-insulating the house when we moved in. And so I'm so Jewish that I was like, oh, when? Like on Thursday? Like, I didn't know that means gutting a house. Oh, wow. I was like, oh, that'll be fun. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was just like two firemen over and we had no walls and I was living there with like a toddler. I'm like, you gutted my fucking house. Yeah.

I'm like, just go to therapy. He just doesn't want to be stoned. There's guys like me, like I can't fix shit, but I can tell who has narcissistic personality disorder. I've got that skill down. Yeah, very useful. I'll diagnose people. I don't know about that guy. In a zombie scenario, I'm not very helpful. Right, right, right. I don't like that guy. I think he's a narcissist. Yeah, that's interesting. Do zombies lose all neuroses? I guess they're just operating on a very base level.

Yeah, no, I'm not useful at all. It's just brain stems. They're like sleepwalking. There's not room for a lot of fear. Yeah, there's not. No zombies feel imposter syndrome. They're like, I shouldn't even eat brains. I was a vegetarian when I was alive. Yeah, I mean, we have like backup generators, you know. That's cool, yeah. But I mean, my husband's. You have a real house. He only said I love you, I think, once in our relationship. How many times do you think he's actually said it?

- Maybe twice. I mean, the first time- - Are you serious? Oh, see, I keep thinking she's using hyperbole for jokes, but it's like, this is like troubling. - That's the awesome part of Rachel's stories. - He's probably said it a couple of times. I mean, this is the way he said it the first time. He got me a dozen roses. We've been dating for like four and a half months. I'm like, when is this dick gonna say I love you? What the fuck? It was Valentine's Day. He gives me the roses. There's a card inside. I open it up.

And it says, Roses, fastest way to say I love you, sides fucking. Wow. Jesus Christ. And I'm like, is this you saying I love you? Is that you? And he goes, no, Anthony put that in there from the firehouse or whatever. I will say I'm bad at cards too, though. Like, I did get my girlfriend a card because we went to Greece, and I got her a card with a sunset of Greece that said, you suck my weenie in Santorini. Yeah.

Which I thought was pretty good, but she did not laugh at all. That's pretty good. It's a rough card, I guess. That's high risk, high reward, man. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah, I guess that's what you want her to give you. Like, in a perfect world, she's like, I sucked your weenie in Santorini. You would laugh really hard if you got that, but yeah.

I liked it the first he said I love you and like in an obscene riddle your little card it's like it's in there somewhere yeah and then he said Anthony for the firehouse put it in there so Anthony's now involved in this so the first time he ever told you he loved you Anthony kind of helped and was present exactly

- Exactly, and he still swears. He's like, "I didn't even know it was there." So I'm like, "Okay, so now I'm back at square one." - Yeah. - So wait, so do you? - You didn't proofread this yet? - And he's like, "Yeah, course, course, course." Even after he proposed to me, I was like, "What made you know?" Like, I'm just digging for any fucking gram of just anything. I'm just making a cake with no ingredients. - You're like your mom.

It's like your mom really interrogating a minority who's clearly guilty of something and just trying to find a reason why he's not. Like, that's a year like that. That is such a perfect. Wow, that is fucking, that is good. Genius. That is really good. Yeah, I was like, so when did you first know? You know, he goes, I mean, it'll be fun, you know? We'll get a house, we'll get a mower. I'm like, I didn't ask you what. What? A mower? He's like, we'll get a lawnmower, we'll get a house, you know? I'm like, you're just talking about, like,

like things you want to buy with. Yeah. Appliances. Life. That's the package of life I'm on which got a wife and a mower and you're as good as any wife I could have got I guess. He thinks he's playing the Sims or something. This is ridiculous. That is fucking I vow to never put you in the swimming pool and then take out the ladder so that you cannot get out and that you eventually drown like the deuce sometimes on the Sims. Yeah.

I vow to never build a house and then take out all the doors and then set it on fire. No, he can't. He's not like, he can't. I'll be like, do I look okay? I go, does this look nice? The other day he goes, denim. I'm like, you

I'm like, yeah, you can't scream out of fabric. Sometimes I... Have you ever loved me? I'll be like, 3% spandex. Rayon blend. Sometimes I wonder if, like, there is... Like, especially...

It's like athletes or firefighters or just like even cops or whoever's around a group of guys. All my ex-boyfriends. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny because I was going to say all that type of... Like sometimes I wonder, it's like the people they actually love are their boys. You know what? And sometimes I felt that way about myself where it's like I have always lived with my best friends. Like even, you know...

even the place in Baltimore I got with a buddy because I'm only there half the time. He's there half the time. But it's like there's a level of emotional immaturity where you're like, I like women, but I'm still fundamentally scared of opening up to them. But I can open up to my guys in this specific way. Now I'd love to have a woman in my life. And so in my head, I'm like, there's like a somewhere between teenage boy and grown man where you're like, me.

maybe I can love my friends but fuck a woman. You know what I mean? Maybe there's... This is exactly, exactly my husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's never had a female friend in his life. Interesting. We found a job that's almost like a play date. It's perfect. Yeah, yeah. Just hanging out with the boys. Even your job, unless it gets bad, is kind of fun. Yeah. Oh, they love it. And not to mention, at the firehouse, they undo everything I've accomplished with them in 24 hours. Yeah.

So he's just sitting there smoking fat sticks, listening to every conspiracy theory that's been edited into a YouTube video. Oh, hell yeah. He comes home so much worse. Half of them are divorced, too, so they're furious at women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Every other firefighter is divorced. That's hilarious. Every time he comes home, he's like, guess who got a divorce? And I'm like, fuck, now you're going to be even more of a dick today. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Yeah, like he always definitely thinks I'm like up to things. And also I'm like... He's been told by many people that women are suspicious or something. Right, right, right. Yeah, no, he's not. There's no... Yeah. I mean, there's no emotional anything. That's good. And this is the best relationship you've ever been in. That's what Alan Lefkowitz said.

You know what? I'm starting to think that guy's running a real scam. Because all my friends' lives are not going that good, and we all see him. I just fucking Venmo'd that motherfucker a nice fat stack. I'm going to ask for it back. Um...

Yeah, I mean, I guess at some point you're like, all right, get a mower, get a husband. You know, at a certain point it's all... It's kind of like shopping, you know? Yeah, yeah. Just wrap it up, yeah. And that's what he likes to talk about, too. Like, he'll be like, the other day, like, he was like, guess who got a Mazda? Finnegan's got a Mazda. And I'm like, that's not a story. Yeah. And he was just like, he waited like I was going to care about this. He's like, brand new motor. Yeah. I'm like, do you know your audience here?

There's a real supply and demand issue with this. What's the, like, does he, what's the, what's a firefighter dad like with a little girl? That must be pretty cute. No, he's obsessed with my daughter. That's how I knew that he was capable of love. LAUGHTER

That's good. The first time he held my daughter broke my heart. Yeah. And that's when I knew I'd have to get that little bitch back. Now it's just you again become the villain. We were like, she stole my man right out from under me. Everything.

thing I'd ever asked him to do he did when I had a daughter like I was like you need to stop drinking like as soon as I gave my daughter like yeah and I'd be like you gotta come home when you get off work he races home now you know like so yeah I do know he has the capacity for love I just don't know what he wants me

I saw piano music. That's all right. You're the most emotionally healthy person on this podcast somehow. You got me and Sam beat. Eldest actually is doing fine over there. Whenever I watch him gently encouraging her like a low roll.

showing her grace she's doing like a spin in her princess nightgown he's like you're beautiful just the way you are and I'm just like you said I was denim he's walking I love you you're like what the fuck just one give me one can I piss real quick yeah yeah go for it take a little piss break take a little piss break

this freaking guy in his little ass bladder you know what i'm saying he did are we still rolling yeah we can roll who cares he did when frankie was throwing a tantrum the other like he doesn't he like loves being a dad completely like inseparable the two of them but like he doesn't um have obviously the emotional instincts in a lot of situations so frankie is throwing a tantrum on the floor at the top of her lungs screaming and i was like listen when a kid throws a tantrum

Just don't engage. Wait for it to end. Don't make eye... The same thing I do with you, basically, when you're screaming... When you're screaming about the founding father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know when I used to chase you on a beach when you were drunk screaming about George Washington? How he should have just sat still. How he's rolling in his grave with his mouth full of slave teeth?

So I was like, that's what you do. You just ignore it, you know? So like, I go, don't wait for it to be done. There's no engaging. So Frankie, but he can't stand to see her sad. Me like, you know, yeah. Yeah.

So she's in the middle of a tantrum screaming at the top of her lungs. And I was just telling Sam this, screaming at the top of her lungs. And he goes, so do you want a dog? I'm like, you don't. Oh my God. Offer a girl a dog when they're like kicking you in the chest having a tantrum. Yeah. You are.

for a dog before. And he's like, all the thought schedules, it's not a good idea. Yeah. I was, my mom was telling me, it's funny the stuff you like hear about yourself as a, like just off, parents just like mention random things. She said I was always like, I was, I,

a really great like baby but I would just have out of nowhere insane tantrums that I would just fuck and I was like you know what that really makes sense do you have them now do you have anger I get I think it's like when I would have like panic attacks I think I was having panic attacks as a baby because I will I would and I have anger problems too but I would just I definitely feel shit I definitely freak out and I think as you grow up you learn to just like

you know, just fucking be like, this sucks dick and just like whatever. I thought you were going to say, surround yourself with weak people who have to deal with your anger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just don't want to spit on your Albanian producer and say it's his fault and be like, it better fucking, the edit better be ready in a fucking hour. I swear to fucking God, it's going to post. I definitely have anger problems too. Like I don't realize it until like, cause it's all in here, but I feel it dude. Yeah. It'll be moments where I'm like, you see it on like,

you know, travel hiccups and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a fucking break. Of course, of course. I've never seen you really lose it. No. I've never seen you scream. I've seen you be really mad at other people and I'm always like, here's how insecure I am. I'm always like so flattered that he's never been that angry. Yeah. Oh,

I'm like, oh my God, he's so much more angry at the travel agent than he is. Travel agent? What is this, 1992? I don't have a travel agent. Well, Rachel just got a bank account. She doesn't know you can get fucking, doesn't know you can get airplane tickets online yet either. What's Expedia? I'm just a pair of kids and I don't know. Hello, travel agent, where's Wisconsin?

I just did this for a phone, by the way. I'm doing the same thing now. You are. I know. It is embarrassing. Kids are... You just have to do this now. Or you look like a fucking old piece of shit. Yeah. It is so... What makes you angry? Like, what do you scream about? Like, what... And do you scream? I don't know. No, no. I just think...

It was just interesting to hear that anecdote because it makes so much sense because I definitely sometimes feel like it's interesting to hear about it when you were a baby before all your family's neuroses got to you. Right. Because I always assumed the anger stuff was because my dad had an anger problem and it's like learned behavior, which it definitely is partially. But she was saying like I would have tantrums when I was like so small. And I do think it's just because I definitely feel that where there's some shit happens and I'm like I'm useless for like...

10 minutes to a half hour sometimes and I'm like I can't imagine a baby feeling that way like how much you would fucking you know a baby would freak out it's like your life's awesome and then all of a sudden you're like I'm fucking dying and you're like you don't even know what death you just feel so bad you go from like watching Big Bird to being like ah fuck

What would your parents do when you would melt down like that? I don't know. I think you just kind of have to ride it out. Look at me. It's like a Diane Sawyer over here. I don't think, I don't think the, I'll say this, whatever it was, it wasn't the right thing. Cause I definitely didn't learn how to regulate my emotions. Do you know what my parents used to do? And by the way, my mom was a therapist. My brother was always bright red and throwing like a never ending tantrum. I'm just remember looking and I'm like, I'm going to take some space from that guy. My mom would just put him in the backyard. Like,

And she was just like, oh, we were throwing a tantrum. Get him in the backyard. Put him back there and shut the door. And our back, our neighbor behind us used to bring him back to my mom and like bang on the door and be like, Karen, come on. And she'd be like, oh, Jesus. He's having a tantrum. Put him in the hot car for a while. See what happens. Damn, that is fucking hilarious. He was just always like in a diaper bright red in our backyard until Bruce Baum came up and banged on the door. He's like, Karen. She's like, I'm mad.

I need seven freaking minutes. Like, no, she didn't feel bad about it. You're getting your daughter a dog when she has a tantrum. You went the other way with it. Yeah, he made your son a dog. Thank God. I was like, we're not getting a dog. He's out there digging bones, putting them in the backyard to calm himself down. He's peeing. He's lifting his leg up. Yeah, now to come, he has to be wearing a collar. Yeah.

What kind of baby were you, Sammy? I was... You know, my mom, I was a fucking... It's so funny. I was raised by a single mom for the first few years, so...

I was like her everything. She was on top of everything. But I just did gigs in Europe, and I did a gig in Sweden, and apparently my godfather lives in Sweden. He's like a much older man. And I was like, he's like very, my mom's like, he can't, he wants tickets to the show. She's like, I think that would be a little too much for Johan. Who the fuck is this guy? A friend of my mom's, but it's like, I'm like, yeah, I do have a joke about coming in sinks right now. He's like a posh Swedish man. But, uh,

but i was like man that would have been my life if my mom died i just would have been raised by like a gay swedish man that's crazy so you don't you you don't know him that much at all i know him a little bit but he's just like a very like i get his newsletter like he does like a newsletter because your mom's an artist right yeah he must have been an art guy i don't know what his job is actually he's like it's some sort of like important job i don't know him well that's the thing but he's a very sweet godfather did you

did you say? Yeah, isn't that kind of weird? Is that a Jewish thing? First of all, I didn't know the Jews had godfathers. I guess we did. I don't know. Yeah. I told my mom, I was like, so if you died, I would have been raised in Sweden? She's like, yeah. I'm like, you didn't think that's weird? Ha ha ha ha.

Are you sure he wasn't just your mom's ex-boyfriend? No, he's gay. Oh, he's gay. Right, right. Yeah, but he, no, my mom was a super protective. It's funny you're talking about like kids being raised because I have a half brother I've never met. So I think about like that nature nurture shit when you talk about, you know, your siblings. But like, I was like, oh, I wonder if he's similar to me. Wait, where's your half brother? He's in California somewhere. Have you ever interacted with him or no?

No, I floated it to my biological father once and I was like, yeah, I wonder if we should meet sometime. He goes, yeah, you know, I brought it up to him. He didn't seem to bite. And I was like, all right, I'm going to drop that forever. Yeah, maybe he's a lot more in common with dad than I realized. So I get a little more successful. By the way, your biological father joke is like one of my favorite jokes. Great joke. Really worth it. Yeah.

- I love it when somebody asks if he has a good relationship with his biological father. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't refer to him as my biological father if we had a great... Also, one of my favorite, probably most traumatizing to you stories about your biological father is when Sam told me that... - You guys hooked up. You lived with him for a while. You saw him drunk, shitting on a street corner. You're like, "That's my guy." - He looked like Judd Hirsch and she was like, "I can make this work."

He does sound like my son. No, I will say, I know he was a terrible father and I do feel empathy for him, but he was a great lay. What, are you talking about the note in the deposit box? Okay, yes. It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I'd love to hear this. He told me that when he finally confronted his dad or something about basically abandoning him in his earlier years, his dad was like, there's a note in a deposit box that'll explain everything at the bank. I'm like, this isn't a fucking spot.

spy movie it's not the hunt for red october by the way it was a paragraph and a half yeah i was like you didn't really get to much here yeah sorry i kind of found the chick with bigger tits you're like you know what i get it

He's like, it'll explain everything. You can't do that. By the way, you can't tell your kid that. There's seven more years until he's going to read that. How about be a father? Yeah, absolutely. Instead, he's like, there's a wacky map that'll explain everything. I have to chase. Yeah, yeah. You have to fucking do it upside down. Hold it under a black light. It's untraceable. It's just clues. It's national treasure. What does that say?

I got bored. Oh, okay. That's it? It sounded pretty fucking annoying to be a dad. One minute you're raw dogging. The next minute you got to raise a fucking baby. No thanks. You're like a deadbeat dad. You're not Jason Bourne. What the fuck?

It's outrageous. It's outrageous. When you actually went, did you expect it to be something like a... No, you know, it's curiosity. It's funny, a lot of people reach out to me about this stuff because they have, it's such a normal thing now. The nuclear family is like not even normal, but all the time people reach out and

And they'll be like, what should I expect? I'm like, nothing. Nothing, yeah. Nothing. Just if you do it, if you're curious about, and you know, if you have health, if he has health stuff. Right. I'm like, oh, cool. You also gave me prostate problems. That'll be nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had like prostate cancer and stuff. He's still alive. Terrible people live forever. Absolutely. They really do. I know. It's like abandoning your kids is like eating Atlantic salmon. It's so good for you. I mean, people say stress is the worst thing for you and deadbeat

dads don't have a lot of stress they're never up late you know what I mean child support payment I don't think so not for me like if you're the kind of guy that the guilt of abandoning a baby won't get to you you're probably not too many things probably don't stress you out you're never gonna have that moment right when you think like oh I'll confront him it'll all come out like yeah if that wasn't

like that's like a movie thing or it's like even think about your siblings like you have a very good relationship with your siblings i mean you're really close with your siblings but i think like most times when you see in a movie when people are just like you know they're like finishing each other's sentences brother and sister i'm like that's when i talk to my brother and sister it's like there'll be like an awkward silence here and there it's just not real sure yeah absolutely absolutely and did you did you um no go ahead go ahead shut up by the way i just explained my dating history and i'm like and and

And when did you first feel frightened? What the fuck am I babbling about? Well, if you like, Rachel, we can take your expertise to our call. I really think I'm Gail King here. Last time I was on here with Vitor, I feel like we got one of the most epic ones of all time. We got some great ones. That was an epic one. That was a dead... Not a deadbeat, but it was like a guy... Should I? Yeah, should I get back in? Yeah. So let's see what we got. Let's see what Elders cooked up for us. My guess is not anything that good. Nothing as good as that one, but...

There's some good ones here. What do we got? WowVegas.com. Wow.

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Let me handle this one, guys. Yeah.

kind of ended to preserve you know to preserve myself because she was kind of lashing out and um hurting me and and wanting to control jesus me um but you know i i it's hard because you know you love someone you like to understand where a lot of the problems come from and you know they've had a pretty really hard life for a lot of his mom school of thought originated or whatever um

And, yeah, I just, you know, you love someone, you understand, and it's really hard not to, at least for me, not to have a lot of regrets about, you know, what I could have done, what we could have done differently. And, you know, I'm going to go see a therapist. Jesus, this man is fucking traumatized. I'm hoping for any advice as to how to move past dating someone with, you know, there's...

some like incredibly great moments like so many high highs but the lows were like really hard um yeah and also just you know in addition it's for the last year and a half I've been having um by far the best sex in my life and there obviously of course yeah the more lithium the better the sex for the last year and a half I've been having um by far the best sex of my life that's what the real tragedy is beautiful um attractive

sexy horny awesome woman this is awesome who I just ended a relationship with so yeah any advice would be helpful because I'm really going through it right now and I'm doing everything in my power not to you know text her and

ask for her back. Hilarious. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Yeah, love to hear back. Thanks. Chemically imbalanced women are for one night stands, not long term. I mean, get it together. In terms of calling her back, make bogey your screensaver on your phone. Look at it. Be fucking strong. Don't call her back. Yeah, hell yeah. What do you think? This is not... It's awesome that you think Humphrey Bogart is what... That was the most confusing part. That's a man's man right there. Here's what I think.

He'll remind you. You look at the thing Casablanca, you're like, nah, you don't fucking, you let her go. By the way, he said it with no explanation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only got it because we're such good friends, but that's an insane thing to tell a man in 2024. Followed by the most insightful paragraph ever. That's such a classic Sam. Like every one of his texts is just like, he's either screaming about the Knicks or be like, Casablanca was epic. And then,

And then he's like, I'm so holding on to a lot of anger at my dad. What a power forward right there. Yeah, just print out the screenplay of Gone with the Wind and read that. And just every time you want to fuck this girl. I mean, yeah, dude. I mean, how many times can you wake up with a hand blender pointed at your nuts before you realize it's time to fucking call it, dude? Interesting.

It's done. I don't know what to tell you, brother. This is going to be hard. You know what this is. It's literally like giving up drugs. This is a rush. Someone this hot and good at fucking. But bad for you. It's literally like you're detoxing off a fucking drug. It's like any breakup times 10. No contact, no break.

Get your mind off it. Maybe you're not ready to seriously date. You might need to just focus, see your friends, do other shit. But like... Jack off a lot. Jack off a good amount. You should be flapping around in your bed right now looking up the most haunting things. You should be putting up middle school numbers right now. Truly, because these are full nut texts. Yeah.

These aren't empty ball texts. You need to empty the fucking sack. Gotta clear the... Gotta empty the clip. Do not empty the clip. Gotta empty the clip, brother. Scream thug life and empty the clip. Yeah, get the nuts clear. Get the mind clear. Yep. Because these are... You're horny. I mean, of course, I'm sure you miss the good times, too. I'm not trying to minimize a relationship. No, he truly doesn't. Good times were fucking. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

No, I do think that if you want to, I would say give her a call. Just find out what that first critical traumatic incident was for her and see if you can take her to your therapist. That's always worked. I was with a guy that put like spyware on my phone and I was like, can you come to my therapist with me? Yes.

I talked a lot of shit about that guy that he apparently heard. I was like, that guy's a fucking tool. Glad to know he's got anger problems. He's like, hello, Sam. I had to set him and say, he was like, so like every male friend that I had, he was so obsessively jealous with that. I had to like set him up in these dates with him. So I was like, Hey Sam, we go have a drink with my boyfriend. Oh my God. She's like, please. It would mean a lot to me. So he's not suspicious of you. You're out of your mind.

And I did it. I agree. Rachel used so much friendship capital on that. That's insane. Oh, dude. She owed big time for that. And he got... I watched this dude have like eight Jamesons on the rocks. Yeah. And then he hugged me for way too long. And I was like, I don't like this guy. All right, Sam. I want to go talk to the bartender real quick. You stay here. Good hanging, though, man. By the way, it wasn't my idea. It was his. I just didn't want a black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, yeah, I'll do a sit down with Sam. I'm like, this ain't the Sopranos, motherfucker. I don't want to talk to you. I don't like you. I did it straight up for friendship with Rachel. Every time I would get to my... I was writing a pilot at the time. And every time I would get to the pilot offices, it was like...

he was just sitting outside just with this wild look in his eyes. Like, like, so yeah, if he was shaking with rage, Soder, Giannis would be like, Hey, you're your boyfriend's on the steps again. He was shaking. Every time he would always fake a panic attack, like to like, he would always be like, sympathy, I need you. Or he'd be like, one time he was like, I had a heart attack. You know, I mean, you have a heart attack. You still like that I'm editing in a room with two other men and

I was in that room too. Remember that? Now let me ask you this because with women that insane, pussy's incredible. A guy like that doesn't seem like he'd be good at fucking. He's pretty good. He was. Well, I take it back. He's listening right now. He's like, I'm right back. And I'm in the game, baby. Back in the game. I'm in the game. Her firefighter husband has one big crypto loss and I'm back.

No, I mean, yeah, stay far away from this. Yes. You gotta get out. People are great in the sack. No, everyone knows that. Sure. And sometimes I actually believe at a certain point you're never gonna fix yourself.

You're never fully going to fix what's wrong with you. And sometimes the ideal is that your mental illnesses align in a perfect way where you're good for each other because you're not going to find somebody fully healthy. You're not going to be super healthy ever. But this is not that at all. There might be somebody out there for her. There's definitely somebody out there for you, but...

You gotta stay away. It's just classic breakup rules, man. There's no secret. There's no easier way to get through it just because the girl was hot. Yeah. And if you left something in her house or something, just try to be an adult about it. It's over. Don't even get it. Just be like, look, I left a hair in your sink. So maybe I could just come in and just chill for like three to four days. We'll meet at a neutral location like Cancun. Yeah.

No, no contact at all. Yes, yes, yes. It will only get worse and it never gets better. Like I've dragged every one of these guys to a therapist and- Oh, same. I've done that too. Doesn't make a dent. I did one where we did a couple's therapist once and I was like, she just rattled off all the shit she like hates about me. And I was like, well, you know, I'm not happy either. And she looked like-

And the therapist looked like, yeah, I mean, clearly this is a two-sided relationship. But she was like, how dare he have problems? I was like, oh, that was helpful, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could tell there was a moment where he was like, yeah, this is bullshit. Yeah, the therapist was like, well, I'm getting paid for this whole hour, but we could stop right now. Yeah, yeah. I'm paying to listen to this shit. Whenever Sam's dated, like, crazy women, I will say, Sam's a good friend now. So whenever Sam's dated anyone...

He finally got the coolest fucking girlfriend ever who's the best. For sure. She's awesome. She's actually like, yeah, there's no, the easiest person, the coolest fucking, every girl before her, I mean like a lot of the, sorry, let me get less specific.

Let's just say Sam's had a type. I will say that Sam is, but he's such a comic that even when he's in the middle of complaining, he'll be like, that's funny, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some might call that a mental illness. Yeah, you're not in therapy. I don't think he wants to be like, is there anything there? Hey, did you record this? Can I listen back? Sam would do an impression.

Oh, this girl, he was once dating like years ago, scream crying. It was one of the funniest impressions I've ever heard. He's like, I've been up all night. And I was like, what happened? What was she doing? He was like, just screaming. He'd be like, ah!

That was tough. She screams for like six hours in a row, but it is funny. I might get 90 seconds out of that. I might get a nice chunk. Fucking night terrors are fun. That's a fun one. I used to have night terrors. I used to fucking get up and walk around and shit. Me and my brothers would scream and I didn't feel, I don't know what the fuck it was. I didn't have nightmares. I just would be like, ah! And I would be fine.

It was so weird. Really? And when did it stop? I don't know. I guess, I mean, I never, it wasn't a problem in college, so I can only assume by then. So all, you and both your brothers had night terrors? Yeah. And you'd just wake up in the middle of the night screaming at the top of your lungs. Somebody would be screaming, yeah. Yeah, no, I've heard, I don't think I've had it, but I mean...

she had i did a couple with night terrors a couple yeah it's very strange statistically that's insane it is crazy and also by the way both white girls in the suburbs they didn't serve a knob just screaming like crazy yeah yeah interesting well well anyway man just you know if you need any more information yeah just go hit her up who gives a next question

Hey, Stassi. Hey, Elvis. Hope I can get some advice for somebody who's newly back out on the dating market. And it's been a couple years. I was, you know, feeling with some sickness. And I don't know. I'm back ready to go, though. Nice. Back ready to start dating. And I've noticed that people just refuse to wear condoms anymore. Like, condoms are gone. What? What happened? I don't know about that.

That's kind of wild.

No. Why bring Darwin into this? Yeah. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah.

I couldn't even leave the state or they'd like send someone after me, you know, like it's just not the time or place. You don't have to explain why you want to wear condoms with strangers. Juno 2, it's a road trip abortion movie. Road trip abortion. That sounds like a good movie, honestly. I don't know. People, I feel like some kind of Pollyanna now out here, like.

I don't know. Hey. Do you want to see the lower my expectations? No. I don't know. What do you think? Or if I, you know, how do I not sound like a complete idiot asking people to cover up before we fuck? I don't know. Have I met a woman that's less confident than you? I know. I know. It's like...

Would we time machine a 17-year-old Rachel Feinstein? As road comics, I think Stavi and I were always down to wrap it up. Of course. Because you kind of have to. Well, it's also like... It's a business decision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything else... I love that she's like, am I being Pollyannish about this? It's like, no, you're not not fucking. You're still like...

This is crazy. No, you just have to... What Rachel said is correct. You have to have a little more self-respect and a little more self-esteem. Maybe you're like... You're getting back out there so you feel a little... You know, you're feeling a little insecure, whatever. But it is insane.

It's like beyond reasonable for you to be like, where's a condom? Otherwise, you'll be teeming with a cocktail of diseases. You can't. Because, yeah, you can't. The guy that doesn't want to wear a condom is the guy that needs to wear a condom. Right, for sure. Absolutely. And the gentleman that, you know, will wear a condom, but if you don't make him, you know, that's a good guy. Mm-hmm.

He will if you don't insist. He's just like kind of taking his cues from you. That's a cool guy. You don't have to worry about him. He's awesome. He's fun. He wears vacation tops. What's that girl I've known for two hours? You're on birth control? I trust you.

No, no. Much... At least 12 hours. But yeah, no. This is just such a clear and simple... You are fully in the right. You shouldn't, like... You should not raw dog unless you feel... Unless you really know someone and you feel... And every person...

You don't even have to... I've been in relationships where we wear condoms because someone was off birth... Like, their birth control was fucking them up. And so... And yes, was that one of the most devastating things I've ever dealt with? Yeah, I've been there too. It's not fun. But, you know, like a hero, I persevered. But... Thank you, Elvis. But yeah, truly... The other thing to also keep in mind here is that, like...

You have... These guys really want to fuck. When it's getting to the point where condoms are coming out, if you're just like, you have to wear a condom or we don't fuck, then they probably will cave. Take a restaurant with a dress code. You can't come in without the blazer. It's the only one. And also, yeah, I just think you need to... You just have to... And it's...

It's a screening process, too, of like anyone who's going to be like, I don't want to wear a condom. It's not someone you want to fuck. You know what I mean? Or raise a kid with. Yeah.

No. I don't want to. I love their gaslighting. This extent is wild, too. She's like, I guess I'm some kind of polyamorous. I don't know that you need to start name-calling yourself. It's pretty simple. Same rules for a country club. Same rules for your dick, as Sam said. If you need a crested blazer to get in. This is Missouri. There's some states you've got to make sure to wrap it up. And I guess maybe just you have to have condoms.

But still, it's like, I just think this is a bigger issue of if someone in like, if someone doesn't, if you say, yeah, get a condom and they react negatively at all. That's a huge red flag. That's a fucking big deal. No, I just stayed in the sky for a while. I had the opposite feeling where I dated this guy for a while and like,

I've only had sex like inside of relationships, you know? So usually I'm used to them just kind of like bothering me until they're like, fine. They just get in a relationship just because they want to get laid at some certain point. They're like, fine, I want to be inside you. Where do I sign? Yes. But I remember this one guy, like we kept going out and he was like,

and then he just kept forgetting a condom, you know, like, and would it be time? And at this point I'm like, doesn't he want to get laid? Like to me, I thought it was the opposite. I was like something strange. I'm like, is he gay? Like how could he forget a condom this many times? And he was like, oh, you know, I guess we can't hook up. Cause I forgot a condom. Like he should have one. And then he's like, yeah. Or, or maybe we can. Yeah.

By the way, he was a cop, so I'm like, he brought his gun everywhere. I'm like, in a lot of unnecessary situations, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, I'm like, we're at, like, a rom-com, and you have your gun in your belt, you can remember a condom, bitch. Yeah, yeah, for sure. That is fucking great. That's crazy. That's insane. So, yeah, you're fully in the right here. Make them wear condoms, and don't date, and don't date or fuck anyone that will really, that really doesn't want to fucking wear a condom. That's a problem. Mm.

What else, buddy? Here's one. Here's just a little something to reflect on it being the hundredth episode and all. Okay. And, uh, yeah. Uh, stop me. Quick question. I've watched a lot of your shows. I'm curious. Uh, what is a question in hindsight that you've answered that you would answer differently now? Like you regret any, uh, advice that you've said out there. Have a great one. Hmm.

I mean, for me to regret advice I've given, I would have to remember literally any episode you've ever done.

So yes, there definitely is things I've answered wrong, but I don't know. And I'll never re-listen to an episode of this podcast ever. That is a promise for me. But yeah, I'm sure there's things I've said that are fucking stupid. Or more importantly, there's probably like jokes I've regretted not making. That makes more sense. But I don't, you know...

I feel like whenever something is serious, we tend to be like, go to a lawyer or go to a doctor. You know what I mean? Like if something's really fucked up, we're like, we will answer this because it's still funny, but go to whatever. Go to the right people. So I don't know.

I don't know. Eldest, do you have any thoughts? Seeing as you're the only one who knew this question was coming, did you maybe prepare something or you just want to kind of see what I came up with? I just want to see what came to your mind. Nice, man. I don't really have any thoughts either. Awesome producing, dude. Thank you. That's awesome. Maybe you could have had some examples or something. But no, no. You joined me to improvise this completely with no warning. Go back to... It's the 100th free episode, but it's actually 200 episodes.

So you want me to just pull something out of 200 episodes? I once told a guy that was kind of similar to the first call we did today where he just was dating a toxic girl with the biggest titties he's ever dated. I remember that guy. She's making his life hell. I remember that. And I kind of said, fuck it, who cares? Just reach out to her. And I forget who the guest was, but you guys were very against it. Yes. And I guess I probably regret that.

Mainly because I thought he'd get like a bit bigger of a laugh. I have a whole new picture of you. That is tough when you go for the laugh, but it is someone's life. Yeah. It just doesn't land in this room. Up to this point, I always thought you were like this, like just this sweet husband, counterpart, family man. I kind of regret telling this guy. Oh,

His girlfriend was abusive that he should go back to them fat titties. This is only outlet to be a misogynist pig. I mean, he was making them sound like really awesome. They sounded awesome. And believe me, I'd love to fuck the lady. Yeah, yeah. The lady's describing how to love to fuck. But no, basically what we told him was, hey, man.

you got the fucker for a little bit it's over yeah enjoy that's how life works yes that's right and that's kind of see these tits they were hypothetical tits yeah but it's better in the mind's eye yeah but it's like a book you picture the tits you want yeah yeah yeah yeah wow that's a cool pair thanks for teaching me about life no worries i feel like we do this every time you're on

We teach you some element of how fucked up. I know, I always feel like Sandy from Grease when I'm on here. I'm like, what's polyamorous? What does that mean? All right, what else, Eldie?

Studio. Studio.

And the goal is to eventually move in together and get engaged in all this stuff. But we're fighting because he wants to... I have a 585-square-foot apartment in the middle of the city, densely populated area, and he's insisting that he needs to bring...

a test freezer. I said, what furniture do you need? And today he just goes, oh, well, all I need is my test freezer. This is 12 to 16 square feet. I don't know what that is. It's like a big ass... It's like a stepdad basement freezer. Frozen meats and shit in one of those big white freezers. I mean, maybe it's not as big, 12 to 16 feet. It's still pretty big. 12 feet is actually... He's a serial killer. He's going to make a suit out of her skin. Yeah. Yeah.

just something for my limbs. This is 12 to 16 square feet and it's going to suck up my electricity, which isn't even the problem. The problem is I have nowhere to put it. I was like, where am I going to put your chest freezer? And he said, it can go next to the couch. And I was like, I don't really want a giant freezer. And he's like, you, it's not even big. Like, I don't understand why you're upset at all. Basically like I'm crazy.

And I said, I have a freezer above my fridge. He said, it's not enough because I put too much stuff in it. I thought I'll clear my stuff out. He said, no, I need my meat. Whatever. This is ridiculous. I'm like, can you take it to your aunt and uncle's house? He's done that before. They've held on to it for him. Not a big deal. And he was like, no, I need like access to my meat. And I'm like, well, we can put your meats in my freezer. And then when we need to go get more, we'll go to your aunt and uncle's house. They are an hour and a half away, but we visit frequently.

And he was like, no, we have to like have the meat in the freezer. The chest freezer that is in your studio apartment next to your couch. This was coming after he looked at me the other day and said, we need to move my couch into storage and put a clothing rack in. And so just not have a couch so that he had room for his clothes.

My lease is up in December. And I'm like, well, I can clear out half my closet for you, which is the only closet. So I also would only be getting half of the closet. And so I'm thinking... This is so New York. This is fucking insane. And he said, I'm like, where are we going to sit down? Where are we going to watch TV? He said, well, we'll just actually switch the whole apartment around, basically. And then we could just watch TV from bed or something. I don't know. You need to break up with the little kid right now. This guy sucks. Yeah. This guy sucks.

This guy's atrocious. This is insane. What are you fucking talking about? It's a studio apartment. It's your apartment. Yeah, he's crashing with you for a couple months. He doesn't get to fucking rearrange everything. You're doing him the fucking favor. Sorry, go ahead. This is the first big apartment I've lived in in New York, and my girlfriend has moved so much of her fucking shoes in there, and I'm like, I'm feeling smothered in a three-bedroom, so I can't imagine how the fuck smothered you feel. You can't let him...

You can't let him do it. It's your place. And meats? Are you fucking kidding me? His meats is, that's an amazing, I need to have access to my meats is an incredible sentence. And the idea is he's gonna, he's there, let's finish it before we get into it because I don't think there's that much more. Or something. I don't know. It's just, he's like making it kind of difficult. And so I guess, am I crazy or is he crazy? I mean, his family's very rural and,

And so they grew up in the middle of like the woods or whatever, and they didn't have internet. And I guess it made him kind of weird or something. But I grew up in like New York City. And why would you need a test freezer? Yeah, you don't. I just don't get it. Anyway, am I crazy? He doesn't think it's a problem at all. He's confused, but I'm confused. Not in Manhattan. Thank you. No, he's gaslighting you. And so, yeah, I mean, what I don't understand here is the plan. That is the plan, right? He's going to crash with her for a couple months.

Until he finds another job that he might get. Also, you don't get demands when you're unemployed either. Yeah. And I mean, I get it. It's like they're... It's not like, you know, she said the plan is to move in together, get engaged. So it's like they are talking about the future. So it's a little more than like him crashing with her. But it's also very inconsiderate of him. He's coming to take over her space. And so...

She can't really be like, it's my apartment. Because I guess this is step one to them sort of moving in together. But he's telling her not to have a couch. I agree. Clothing rack and stuff. I agree. I agree. No, no. The couch thing is fucking crazy. I mean, the chest thing is crazy. What, are you going to go into one of her jackets while you watch TV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need a couch. You need fucking furniture. And he's like, we can watch it from the fucking bed. It's like, you don't want to live in a hotel room. You want to fucking, like, you want to have your own space. With two people?

Yeah, that's crazy. This is a fuck... This is the biggest cause of breakups, I think, in New York, is rent being so insane that you move in too soon, and you're like, I can't... You're making me crazy. I'm in a prison cell with another person. Yeah, and he's really trying to turn this into a prison cell. I mean...

Yeah, it starts with the chest freezer. Then what next? He needs his fucking, you know, bench press in there too. I know. Chest freezer is crazy. Also, a man. It's a fucking studio apartment. You can't have that, man. You just can't. Yeah, I want a bigger fucking kitchen. I can't have it. It's a fucking New York apartment.

And the fact that he's bringing in a clothing rack to me, I mean, I'm sure I'll get shit for saying this, but no straight man. There we go. I'm sorry. The larger issue here is that you might not want to be inside shit. I've had an impossible argument. This fucking queen with his shirt. It's like, and then I've got to bring my ring jays and have a little fit. I can't come unless I have space for my robe and my hat boxes.

Velvet robe is pretty straight. Yeah, it kind of turns all the way around and is straight again. Because, you know, gay guys need, they need like active robes. They're doing so much sex. That's true. The velvet robe is really more of a plush, naked thing. It's more of a hangout. Gay guys need a robe material that can be very easily washed. A waffle robe, if you will. I won't come without my necklace tree. That's a lot of meat, too. That's kind of great. I mean, he,

He is being ridiculous because if this is so important to him, then this can't be the plan. If this is so important to him, then he needs to sublet or do a long-term rental of a place where he has more space. If the plan is studio apartment, you have to live in a studio apartment. You can't have your fucking weird suburban style of living in a studio apartment. You have to just accept that that's what you're doing. And if he wants to save money, that's fine, but it's like...

That's the downside. And so, I don't know. This is weird because this would be so frustrating if someone just is not willing to budge. You know, if he's like, I can't... If somebody said that...

Dude, if you wanted to put a fucking chest freezer here, I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? And yeah, this is a three-bedroom. Oh, dude, I am so conscious with space just growing up in Manhattan. Like, people would get me, like, gifts and I'd be like, fuck you. Where am I going to put this? You know? Until this apartment. For years, someone gives you, like, my mom would get me a thing. I'd be like, where am I supposed to put that shit? It's like a sculpture. Yeah, it's like a fuck you when someone gives you shit when you live in Manhattan. So, it's aggressive.

Yeah. It's just aggressive. Yeah. And if this is the, and by the way, if this is why you break up, then,

then you weren't supposed to be together. Imagine telling this story to anybody. It was between me and a test freezer. And he chose the test freezer. I believe it's chest freezer. Chest, I'm sorry. I've never heard of this, by the way. There's other ways to get protein, too. If you're like some workout guy, have a fucking protein shake for two months. She said he's rural. I feel like they've had access to like some farm meats or something crazy. For sure. They're probably good quality meats. I get that. But I also get the desire. But I have, I have,

like in Baltimore I do have a chest freezer I have shit in there and I fuck it there's more space there's less space here but it's like I can't live that way here because I'm in fucking New York and I'm in a pretty big apartment so a chest freezer is what it's just a freezer it's just look at yeah it's like a giant freezer it's one of those yeah like it's literally what serial killers put body parts in that kind of shit that is big it's probably one of those like more rectangular ones I got a solution

Put that, put cushions on top of it. Oh my God, it is, it's that. Yeah. And then put- That's your couch? Yeah, make this your couch. Not a bad couch. We solved it. I mean, okay, if we actually want to try some level of fucking compromise here, you could get, he, she says he's a 15 foot. That's insane. But I have, there's a five cubic foot one where you could almost use it like, like a fucking-

You put like a blanket over it and you fucking use it as an end table or some shit like that. Yeah. There's maybe some, you can get a smaller freezer, but there in no way can this motherfucker bring in a 15 cubic foot. That's crazy. That's fucking nuts. I mean, if this is your couch, he will have room for his tiaras. So anyway, good luck. It's insane. It's a weird one. Yeah. It's truly a crazy thing. Vegas.com. Yeah.

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No purchase necessary. VGW Group. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, Stav. Elvis. Esteemed guest. I have a question regarding basically the relationship with my father. Growing up, I was super attached to him. He was my favorite guy in the world.

You know, you can always do stuff. Wait, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to play that one. Okay, nice, man. Now I'm invested. Yeah, fuck you, Elders. This guy's listening and he's so excited about the help. And now we're like, no, fuck this. Honestly, Elders, a beautiful way to commemorate episode 100. Just a stupid fuck up. Well, we can listen to it. Okay, great. With me and my brother, he was...

Just the coolest guy. When I was eight, him and my mom got divorced. I need to play that one. And when I was 11... Fucking idiot. He just upped and ditched. It's not going to be good. And just stopped all contact with me. Come to find out later, it's because he's gotten some legal trouble and was running from the wall. Ten years go by. His dad was not made up. And when I'm 21, pops back up in my life.

promises he's always going to be around, wants to be just a dad to me. And I'm like, great, cool. I miss you. This is all I wanted for the last 10 years. Things are going good. But then I get my girlfriend, the woman I was dating at the time, pregnant. And the kid comes out and I'm like, I got to be in this kid's life.

I have to be, I'm sorry, I left out, I was supposed to move with him before I got her pregnant. And so obviously I'm not gonna move with him, he's upset. - He's gonna be roommates with his deadly dad. - And things kind of taper off and you think he'd be excited 'cause he has a grandchild now, but obviously he doesn't care. - Huh, that's interesting. - And so time goes by, keeps in contact. I ended up marrying said woman, she's now my wife.

we have another kid. She also had a kid from a previous relationship. And so I have three beautiful kids, a lovely wife, things are going good. That's awesome. But he calls less and less. And I've literally only talked to him once on the phone this entire year. And I want to have a relationship with them, but I don't feel like I should be the one to reach out. So I'm just wondering what advice you would give

if there's any advice or if I should try to contact them or just drop them out of my life and just move on. So if you can give me an advice, that'd be great. Love your show. Thanks for everything. Bye. - Interesting scenario. I mean, me personally, I would probably say it once. I'd be like, hey, this is what I would like with you. I have resentment towards you for the last 10 years you dipped out of my life.

but you know, maybe we could start over. You do have a grandkid now or three, I guess. Yeah. Uh, and, and put the ball in his court. And if he, if he rises to the occasion, great. If not cut him, you, you, you have one chance to tell him. And then, but if you don't say it, you kind of just blame yourself. I fully agree. Cause he might feel shame maybe for the, for the time he's missed and not know how to get back in. So if you give him that open door, but yeah, I don't know. Yeah. There's a lot of reasons. I think shame, pride, um,

You know, maybe even anger. You know what I mean? Like, who knows what he's going... There's a lot of different reasons why he would be... Also, just being... Just kind of being immature and not wanting to be a grandfather. You never know with these people. Sometimes people see it as like, I'm too young to be a grandfather. Like, that's legitimate, you know? If he had you young and you had your kids young, he might be like, I'm fucking... I'm not a grandfather. That might fuck up his, like... The way he sees himself. There's a lot of different reasons. But I fully agree with you, Sam. Yeah.

You don't read like you also don't want to surrender to like pride if this is important to you And if you think that by just being the bigger man and offering that relationship once But I agree once like you don't want to fucking overdo this you don't want to be constantly begging him for attention And yeah say what you want you owe it to yourself He might he might that might be what what he needs to hear and he might be in your kids life or

But I would say don't fucking hold your breath, right? Like, it's kind of what you were saying. We were having this conversation about, like, earlier about, you know, what to expect from a dad that leaves your life and then comes back in, and it's like... If they're capable of doing that, they're capable of doing that shit again. Yeah, don't expect anything, honestly. Say what you want mostly for you, but don't expect him to come around and, like, yeah, that sucks, dude, if he's not going to be in your...

kid's life as a grandfather but he wasn't you know he partially wasn't in your in your life so I see why Eldest didn't want to pick this one yeah it's not funny it's a downer if I were him maybe I wouldn't say this guy should listen to Gary Veeder's podcast number one dad incredible and fascinating and Sam also your advice to Gary in that podcast is so interesting and it's about yeah

Gary Beter, whose dad won't say too much, but left his life. And it's like very great podcast. Loved it. He killed it. Gary's dad is a con man and a fucking insane character. And yeah, listen to that. Listen to that fucking podcast. And I don't know. When does this come out? October 28th. It's October 28th now, as we all know. Let's start a cult is in theaters right now. Go fucking see it.

We gotta start When we do ads We gotta fucking put it in We gotta put this shit in I keep forgetting to plug This movie that's only Gonna be seen if I promote it There's no other It's like there's no studio Around it Yeah yeah That's how we built Our whole careers right Yeah yeah Just promote shit Specials, tours That's Yeah You're made for that You know Um

Okay. Yeah, not a great call. Kind of a downer. It was on the short list because I figured Sam would be a good one for that. But then I was like, yeah, maybe it's a little too long. A lot of pauses. Very dramatic. It was like fucking Shatner was reading that shit. The good news is we listened to it and it did kind of dip the momentum a little bit. Hey, we'll get it back right here with something good, won't we, Eldest? That's right.

But

my problem might seem small but i think it's something that needs to be talked about right now okay and that is me and my girl we are both you know on the heavy side we like to eat i like to drink we like to drink but you know as bigger folks my girl's on the zempi yep she started doing ozempic and now it's like hella up because i'll smoke and be drinking chilling

And it would be time, it should be time for us to go drive to, I don't know, a fucking Taco Bell or In-N-Out or when we go out, we get some pickle back shots. Oh shit, now we're faded and we're, you know, doing more of that. And now, you know, I just feel like in that regard, like, of course, at the end of the day, I'm happy. I'm happy for my girl. Um,

This guy's awesome. But I just miss somebody having, you know, kind of validate that. Validate it, man. Anyway, much love. I get this fully, dude. I fully understand this. This guy's a keeper. This guy's so awesome. He's like, I love you the way you are, baby. He just wants to hold me back. Can we get fucked up and eat Taco Bell? Why are you eating healthy, you fucking bitch? I love you.

I want you in my life. I've never dated a woman who lost weight while we were together, so I can't really... Yeah, this is very interesting. I mean, you know, I guess the obvious thing to do here is maybe take the cue and join her. You can still be together in life, you know.

This might be kind of nice, man. I know you want to get Taco Bell, but maybe you learn how to marinate some fucking flank steak and make your own tacos. It's not that hard. I do that shit all the time. You could still smoke, but maybe not drink as much or do non-alcoholic stuff. I get this feeling because your life is changing, but...

This is also part of, I think, a serious relationship is like kind of growing together, evolving together. And, you know, how old is he? He said he's in his mid or late 20s. 29. Yeah. This is also the time. No disrespect, brother, but...

30 is the time when getting fucked up and eating Taco Bell all the time should probably end. It should become a nostalgic treat. Stop and I aren't the people to deliver you this information. Truly. It should be a nostalgic little treat. I literally had to just shut myself off from the world for six months in Baltimore to not...

get fucked up and eat Taco Bell but I so it's hard I know it but if you've got somebody in your life who's making positive changes I would say try and ride her wave a little bit brother yeah

Yeah, at a certain point in life, you have to choose. You know, there's a fork in the road and it's either a woman or a heart attack. There's a fork in the road. You want to pick up that fork and you want to stab some cheesy fiesta potatoes and eat those and tell your bitch to get packing with her new fucking skinny ass. Yeah, I mean, this is a good problem to have. Yeah. Like, yeah, like I love this girl and she might save my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's thicker than a snicker and she might save my life. Yeah, dude. So you can either do that or I don't know, man. You know, if she lose too much weight, get yourself a new fat bitch.

Also, the fun thing is when you order in with someone who's doing this and their appetite. No worse feeling, though. I know, but they eat half their food. That's true. But there's no worse feeling than throwing out an appetizer and everyone being like, you know, I don't think I'm going to get that, but I think I'm just going to get the salad. And you're like... Now you're forced to be like...

Well, I'm ordering it anyway. Now they, they ship you of the charade of you not just eating the whole thing by yourself. You have to just be faced with it. Oh, I was, I had dinner with my friend Roland Campos in, uh, in LA at this great Mexican spot. And, uh,

He's a bigger guy. And he's like, he's like, he's like, oh, we got to get the nachos here. They're incredible. It's like, oh, cool, cool. He's like, he's like, all right. So nachos. Yeah. He's like, all right. Two nachos. I was like, oh, okay. Two nachos. Two is a great split. I was like, no, no, no. You want your own. I was like, all right. Honestly. That's an impulse buy. Two is wild. It was wild. How were the nachos? Amazing. Yeah.

Salute Roland. He's the food guy. He loves his food. Oh, yeah. I know Roland. You know Roland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've never heard his full name. I've only heard him referred to as Roland. Oh, he's the best. Yeah, he is a food guy. He's a good guy. I always feel like I have a friend and she's super skinny and I feel like she's always comparing our weights. Yeah.

It's just like watching what I'm eating. You know what I mean? And like, I think about, I really like sweets. So I like think about cupcakes when I should be having like more intelligent or complicated ones. Like I daydream about that kind of shit. But then I feel like when somebody is watching you and you're eating, it's the worst feeling. Like I've never really thought about it because nobody in my family really had an eating disorder, but I feel like she looks like

Yeah, and she also made us compare weights, which my mom did the same thing, which was so obnoxious. Well, there goes your first point right out the window. Can somebody just close me like a box, actually? My mom was like, oh, this scale's broken. You try, step on it. She's weighed 120 her whole life. She's always like, I just want to see if it's broken. If you're a cow. Yeah.

What are your favorite? I dated a girl who gained a decent amount of weight while we were together, and I tried to turn it into positives. I'd be like, I think it's cool that everyone at the ice cream store knows your name. That's really, I'm happy for you. That's awesome. Dude, legit, I've had it be in relationships, a problem where somebody I was dating when I was younger, she gained weight, and I was like, no.

I was like, she's getting thicker. I was so on board. She was like, no, I don't need, I don't need the, I was like, I was like, cause I, you know, I'm unhealthy as fuck. So I was like, this is fucking awesome. We get, I was basically this caller. I'm like, hell yeah, I'm turning you into me and your tits are getting bigger. Yeah. Fucking win, win. That is sick.

That is so true, though. Like, women, you get bigger, you get the bigger tits, the bigger ass. It's not cool when, dude, we have nothing. There's no, your dick gets smaller, in fact. Yeah, by comparison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nothing. Your dick should get a little fatter. That's where the great injustice is. That's why, you know, that's why, you know, feminism is needed. It has to balance that shit out.

That's what, you know. You've lost a lot of weight, Sam. I've lost a little weight so far. What did you do that you could, maybe this guy, you could give this guy a tip? No, not really. That motherfucker's running his own business and having a family like a fucking bitch. He's not, he's not available. It's so lame when people get it together. He's not available to train me 24-7. I had to take personal responsibility. Uh,

No, I just, I legit was just in Baltimore and I was just exercising and eating and cooking all my own meals and shit. And it's actually, I am feeling that because I'm back here now and we're shooting Tires soon. I'm promoting the movie. I started doing stand-up again. So I went from like having basically like half a job, like I acted in some stuff this summer, but I didn't do anything else, to having like four jobs and I'm stressed out. I'm stress eating. I'm feeling it. I'm sticking with my exercise, but it's like,

The hard part is doing it while you are back to normal. Anyone can pretty... If you could just take time and focus on it. So I'm trying to figure that part out now. I'm still, thank God, at the point where going crazy means eating two protein bars and a bag of popcorn and a Halo Top instead of like $80 worth of Chinese food. So I'm trying to keep that at bay, but...

One thing that helped me that Jessica Kirsten told me is like she lost a lot of weight. She's a really funny comic. Yeah. And she said pack like a lot of stuff because we spent a lot of our lives on the road. And in anybody's life, they're running around. She's like pack a lot of stuff. So she packs like, you know, all kinds of snacks because I love I'm going to run to that store. I'm going home. But if I'm out, I'll get a Snickers or a little pizza. She said, just have a ton of stuff with you.

I know. Good choice, like nuts and stuff like that. I literally have been like packing, like we did the tires table read and I just fucking packed a lunch and I was just fucking... Yeah, and I got to start doing that at clubs. That's the other thing. I was sleeping. I was having a normal person schedule where I would like go to bed at like fucking, you know, 11 or midnight and wake up early as fuck and go on a nice morning walk and it's like, now if you're up till two or three doing shows, so whatever, I have to figure it out, but...

Let's plunge back into some eating disorder talk, though, because I'd love to know your favorite sweets. Since you're saying you love sweets so much, Rachel, yeah. We'll get to you too, Sam. I love cupcakes, and I love vanilla ice cream with brownie with chocolate syrup on it. And I love cakes with layers on them, like red velvet cake. Anything where there's little extra treats. I've just gotten way too excited. I'm like, I took my dick out. You guys didn't realize I was a man. I love it. Yeah. No, I love sweets.

So it's cake. Your big cake. I love cake, but really like... Cheesecake is... I eat everything in general. Like there's not many foods I don't like. I can't think of a food I don't like. I'll eat anything. Like I like just... But I really think about cakes and sweets and I make my husband hide them from me if he gets it because I will eat all of it. Absolutely all of it. Like I just got... We made like... I made these cinnamon buns with my daughter and then I just ate the icing last night. And I was like, you pig. You fucking foul beast. You fucking... Look at you, you rat.

standing over a fucking garbage can just cupping icing into your face you know like so I put it it's so good I love icing like cream cheese icing oh my god yes that's fucking good carrot cake you ever eat it and then you look at the serving size behind it and you're like what the fuck have I done you do not want to look at nutritional value for icing I have to pour something on

On top of it. Otherwise, I will take it out of the trash. No, no, I know. There's a... Soap is the key. Because trash is nothing. You poison yourself. Trash is nothing. Yeah. Like, I actually have a joke. I have a joke. I'm doing this new hour, but I was like...

You don't think I've you don't think I've taken a banana peel off an egg roll before? You don't think I've done that? It's like you got to put soap or like that's good. Sometimes if I've been like if I have like a bag like I took to the beach, just put sand over in the trash to make it fucking sandy. Sand is a great one. It's tough because it's really ruins the and sometimes I've tried to eat through even those experiences. But that'll stop you.

Okay, nice. And you're a cheesecake guy? I like, for candy, Rolo is my go-to. Oh, Rolo's good. If I'm at a truck stop, I love Rolo. Hershey's Cookies and Cream, fucking amazing. It is good. It's the one Hershey's that actually, that you can take to compete with better chocolates. Yeah, because the Hershey's regular is like a fucking hand job. It sucks. It sucks, dude. It's like, you're like, oh, he is.

It's a boy. That's disrespectful to hand jobs. All right, fine. I'll agree with you on that. A Snickers is a hand job. Thank you. I'm not a big Snickers guy. It's fine. It's solid. The ice cream ones are good. Do you like marshmallows? Because I feel like people hate marshmallows. I love a fucking marshmallow. Why are people against marshmallows? You have very The Great Depression Just Ended tastes in desserts. You're like, cupcakes and layered cakes and lollipops and icing and marshmallows.

The technology. You have like. It's the same as my taste. Yeah. Yeah, for real. But he winked at me when he got out of prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have the frosted pretzels? Those are fucking good. Oh, yeah. I'm a big chocolate covered pretzels guy. I like vanilla, but yeah. Either way. I also like for a meal, cheesesteak and pizza. Yes. Yes. Absolutely classic. Wow. Nothing better than cheesesteak. Oh, yeah. I mean, that is a Maryland thing of the carryout that has cheese.

pizza wings and a cheese steak all at once. Whereas I feel like other parts of the country it's like I mean Philly has it too but it's like pizza places sometimes pizza places you will not have. In New York they have like Heroes I feel like. What's that? Heroes or Calzones. Not really. I don't

I don't think most pizza places in New York have sandwiches and wings. We call them subs. By the way, I think there's this crazy quiz, a New York Times quiz, that's called Where Do You Come From? It's fascinating, and they can guess by all. Basically, they ask you nine questions, and one of them is what term do you use for a foot-long sandwich? Oh, yeah, sub. Hero is what they say in New York? Yeah, I think so. And Merlin is a fucking sub. Sub, yeah. Who says grinder?

It's like Buffalo or Rochester up there. How about like Hoagie? Who does that? Hoagie's Philly. Yeah. And like some people have words for the night before Halloween. Like some people call Fright Night or Mischief Night. It's foolishness. But anyway. People used to call it Mischief Night. I never. I was too good a boy for Mischief Night. But what's your favorite dinner? Dinner? Yeah. Ah, geez. That's too hard. Last meal.

It would probably be Korean barbecue, honestly. Korean barbecue's great. It would probably be just a very high-end Korean barbecue. I like all the ad. We've done it together before. I love Korean barbecue. I'm due. I'm due for another one. I had it recently. I saw my buddies playing the band AJR, and we saw them at the Garden, and we hit one of those. I think we've been to this place on 32nd. Yes. That fucking spot. Have you ever been to Korea? I went there for a military tour. Best food I've ever had. I did a military tour, but I only had one day off, and I was like...

It was like the summer before I moved here. I was 25 or 24, I don't remember. It was me and Joe List. I'm like, dude, I accidentally booked this in North Korea. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I really want to go back to Korea, though. That's incredible. That's my favorite trip I've ever, ever been. I want to go back for sure. All right, Ellis, you have something nice to take us out on here? How about I have a couple updates I kind of want to get in for you. All right, it's the 100th episode. Let's do it.

Hi, Stavi. Hi, Elvis. Hi, guest. I am a returning caller, so I'm calling with an update and a new question. Great. I am a girl whose sister's boyfriend was flirting with her. Oh, yeah. I took your advice. Wow. I remember that. I talked to my sister.

She was actually not entirely surprised. Hilarious. Because apparently he had, like, made a couple three-way joke. Three-way? Ha-ha. About, um... About fucking your girlfriend's sister at the same time. That's over. Good. That's done. Uh, thank God. But I'm happy today because... Pause this. ...the very first episode... It feels nice to hear...

Like our advice actually work. Like this is open and shut. Talk to your sister. That immediately ends to him breaking up with a dirt bag. So that feels good. Yeah. And it wasn't even her sister having like no idea. She had a sense. She was like, yeah, just even just talking to her was like the push. She guys hear it out loud. This you don't have to listen to the show. Just leave the voicemail and then go talk to the person. The question is about and it will always saw, you know, solve your shit. But anyway, go ahead. All this.

Thank God. But I'm calling today because on the very first episode of Savvy's World with Sam, you stated that Savvy's World was unapologetically anti-breast reduction. But on the episode where you read my question with Joe List, he was saying that he was

He's a good driver. He has no taste, though. Yeah, Joe really is a strange guy. He keeps talking...

Joe keeps talking about high heels in bed for Christ's sake. I know. He'd rather, he'd rather. Joe's like gutting the women through like penthouse forums or some shit. What the hell is this? The fuck does he know about? He's still reading his porn in magazines. He says he works by day, but at night she wants to be the pile drive. All right. Like big boobs with big nipples. Sounds pretty cool. And I'll, I'll keep it real with you, Savio. That's,

That's what your girl is working with over here. Nothing wrong with that, sister. I thought about getting a breast reduction. No, don't do it. Boo! Be wise. They lift, they make the nipples smaller, the whole, like, tits improve. Mm-hmm. For reference, I'm, like, 5'11", like, 170. And I wear, like, an E or an F cup. So they've always been, like...

disproportionately big for my body. - Sounds pretty cool. - You know what's crazy? I heard my girlfriend's plane crashed, so if you wanna hang sometime, that'd be cool. What is it, honey, no! Oh, God, I'm so vulnerable, this is crazy. - So if I got reduction, they would still be big. They wouldn't be too small or anything.

But I feel like part of my identity is that I've always had big boobs, ever since I've had boobs. Sure. They've been big. So that would be kind of hard to let go, but it'd be nice to have... Sam's empathetic sound. ...and not wear a bra and stuff. So...

You know, when you have a question about your car, you call a mechanic. That's right. When you have a question about your tits, you call Stavis. That's absolutely right. Absolutely true. Gas sinks, the eldest sinks. Is size more important or is the shape, the perkiness, the nipple, the whole kind of package? Is that more important? Love you guys. Love the podcast. Bye.

Well, thank you again for calling in, and we're glad the first question, our first advice worked out. Now, yes, philosophically, I can never go on record as in support of a breast reduction. It's simply I can't. My hands are tied here. Politically, it would cause a whole mess if I was ever on the record as pro-breast reduction. However,

We really... No, stop. No, however. What are you doing? Just don't worry about what... People will revolt. Don't listen to what Joe List says. Here we go. He's out. Now... As a feminist, can I just say that, and I start all my sentences that way. Yes. Can I just say that it's called titty downsizing? Yeah. Titty downsizing. We're so against. Now, I am listening when you frame it as a titty improvement, though. They're still going to be fat, remember. Yeah.

And she's going for sturdiness. I don't think I'm going to be that fat, though. Yeah, I do like... I think there's something awesome about big-ass titties, sloppy. I mean, Brittany was just on our pod, and she was talking about how her tits got so big during pregnancy that you get, like, a blue vein. She goes, it was disgusting. I was kind of like, is that gross? I kind of like spik titties or, like, levies in Katrina. I'm like, it's not going to hold. I agree. I agree. I'm fully with you. That's fucking awesome.

You know what infuriates me is how as soon as she started talking about how massive her tits were, you guys both got more gentle with her. Well, we started respecting her more. He's making the same noises as psychoanalysts. Well, this is a serious question. Rachel, show her some respect, goddammit. She has huge tits.

I will not have you talk down to her that way. These things need to be handled with care, Rachel. I understand. This is very important. You guys sound like the voice of Lube. Look, okay, so that's my philosophically I can never be on the record.

I also do have another opinion, which is your body's your, you know, do whatever you want, your body, your choice. That's a good tone of voice. Like it's in quotes. Oh, yeah.

But, you know, also she said that these big tits are part of her identity. You don't want to change who you are. Be true to you. I agree with that. Think about that, you know? Yeah. So true, Sam. Rachel, do you have anything you'd like to say? Most of it's been covered in the children's books I read to my daughter. No tits too big. Be true to you when it comes to having a fat rack.

God damn it, both of you. You want to stop crying? We'll get you some new tits. You ain't turn 18. We'll get you the biggest tit you've ever seen. That's too good for my sweetheart.

What do you want, baby doll? A fat rock with some nice, nude, shiny teeth. You're worth it. Remember that. You're fucking worth it. Your choice, honey. You want a French bulldog or some big, juicy fun bags? What do you think? I mean...

I always say when you're trying to decide whether to downsize your rack or not, the first thing you do is to call stop. It's not a discussion with your doctor. I guess it's going to be hard just kind of with no visuals. I guess that's kind of a big problem. She's still going to have a lot of

rack left and if we could play some softer piano music during this she's still gonna have whatever they play during the oscars and in the memoriam section i like playing while i'm talking about it we need some dms and please be gentle because remember i just lost my girlfriend it can only just be described as a terrorist attack

So yeah, we'd love to know more. That's what we're saying. I mean, yeah. I think if they're making you uncomfortable, and I'll let you guys finish coming while I finish talking to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, go ahead. I got to take a little nap while you say this boring bullshit. Does anyone have a cigarette by the way? Yeah.

while you guys order a pizza and empty your balls, I'll discuss this operation or no operation question. Yeah, I mean,

Yeah, I mean, first of all, you still have a lot of rack left, which is what my grandma always said. Again, I keep coming back to my grandma. She was such a wise woman. She was. Rosalie Schneider, she really understood life. But no, I mean, you still have a big rack, which is part of your identity, which is another secondary chapter. That's another fucking after school special. But...

I feel like then just do whatever is most comfortable for you and you guys can still come to her hypothetical titties. I guess. So yeah, two competing schools of thought. It's up to you to decide what you think is right and we're rooting for you in those big old titties.

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Experience social gameplay like never before. Go to Chumba Casino right now to play hundreds of games, including online slots, bingo, slingo, and more. Live the Chumba life at ChumbaCasino.com. BGW group, no purchase necessary. Void web prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. You have another update for us, Eldis? Yeah. Yo, what up, Stav and Eldis? This isn't really a question. I just wanted to say thank you for calling everybody out for being a fucking coward. Yeah.

when it comes to talking to women, uh, because that was definitely me, and I took it to heart. I was being a fucking coward forever. Excellent. And I was just like, you know what, fuck it. Stop being a bitch, man. There you go. And I've been talking to so many bitches lately. Like, God, my life has literally turned around because of this. I think you only heard part of this, sir. I'm being serious.

I just have so many different feelings about a man in one.

He's like, when it comes to struggling with my confidence, Stav, you really have to change the ways. And now I come up to every gash I see. And then I point to my own dick, nod, and wink. You know, whatever it takes. He's a young man. Maybe he's a little rough around the edges right now, but we love to see a success story here at Stav's World. Particularly one that, you know, leads to some MILF pussy. So good for you, man.

We love to hear it. That's awesome. I'm taking nothing but positives from this. Good luck with you and to your bitch as well. Good stuff. He said it angrily too. Now it comes to these holes. Wow, that's awesome. Is that the final one? Yep. Well, thank you guys for being on the episode. And I want to say thanks for everybody for listening. 100 episodes. 200 if you count the Patreons.

The podcast has actually been so much more successful than I thought it was going to be, to be completely honest with you, and more fun than I ever thought it was going to be. I did not really want to do the podcast when I started it. I'll be honest. I just left Comptown. I lost all my main source of income, and I was like, fuck, we got to come up with something else. I can't pay you to make clips. I'm fucking running out of money. Podcasting sucks. But then we came up with this concept,

It's been fun as shit. I get to talk to my friends. It's always fun. I have the funniest people who do it. It's been awesome talking to you guys through your voicemails and then through the live calls. And somehow, two years later, this has become my favorite thing that I do. And I don't think we're going to fucking ever stop, to be honest with you. It's just fun as shit to do. So thank you. Here's to 100 more. And we'll see you next week. Can I add one thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. New tour just went on sale, the Errors Tour.

It's Sammy's new tour. Love it. Check it out. All on my website. I'm heading 45 new cities. Hell yeah. You're on the bus, baby. I'm on the tour bus for the whole time. So literally like pretty much everything.

If I'm not coming to your city this round, I'll be there in the fall. But yeah, 2025, the Errors Tour. Love it. Errors Tour is great. Just to sound like Taylor Swift. That was the plan. So that some dude can be like, I got Errors Tour tickets. And women are like, yay. And then they come to my show. And they're so mad. Also, watch my hour special on Netflix. It's called Big Guy. Or go to my page on punchuplive.com. What is it? Punch up live. What is it? Punch up.

dot live slash Rachel Feinstein I'm on that too or rachel-feinstein.com to get tickets to see me on the road and I have to say 100 episodes it's amazing that's them is no small cans big fat titties amount of episodes you crushed it man pot is awesome thank you and thank you to Eldis bad at his job but the number one producer in our hearts

Needs a little je ne sais pas. Je ne sais quoi. Just quoi, whatever. The dream team, dude. You guys crush it. All right. We'll see you next week, guys. Bye-bye.

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