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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.
LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. This episode is brought to you by Hulu. Hulu Anime Ahem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows. Get ready to be bowled over, have your socks knocked off,
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Crapopolis and so many more. That's right guys, if you're looking for your favourite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anim Mayhem, your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. I will miss that like a child! I will miss that like my first born child bro!
♪ Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ♪ ♪ Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm ♪ ♪ No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
She was off in her mood. - Okay. - I was off in her blouse. - Told me liquor itself. - Hey, you need down on my bout. They looking for the sauce. - Come on. - Tell 'em who's under the couch. - Tell 'em I need a dial. - Tell 'em I want your mouth. - Ignore a man when they up. - Yes, go! - Feed down. - Brag about when they drive.
I ain't waiting around. - Please check up on your wife. - I take the chain to their house. - Bro, pull up on that bounce. Come on, man. I'ma rinse the episode, bro. And it's missed the first beat slightly, but it's fine. He caught back up. - He caught back up. - That's what he does, bro. He catches the fuck up. - I was supposed to say A. - Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You actually went for my A and I didn't even do it. - Say less. - Wait on the ad-libs. - I was waiting. - Say less, but we're here, guys. Hope you guys are energized. We're up, we're up, we're up. And you know how we love to start the episode. We don't waste time.
Knickers to the side. Straight in. Question of the week. And the question of the week this week was, what's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you in front of your partner? Okay. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's some funny shit. All right, bet. Some funny stuff. All right. First one. My ex came up to us whilst we were eating dinner and said, you used to be so freaky. Oh, no, sir.
- Deep what I just said, James. My ex came up to us- - When we were eating dinner. - While we were eating dinner and said, "You used to be so freaky." - And then just carried on with his evening. - And just carried on with his evening. - He's a man, by the way. - I couldn't be the new breader. - Yeah, of course. - You used to be so freaky. So what's all this mundane stuff you've been doing to me? - I'm eating split peas. - And you're chatting to my old girl, so you used to be so freaky. - Used to be so freaky. - 'Cause it's going, 'cause I know how that brain works. She's having flashbacks right now. - Facts. - Facts. - I'll just snap out of it.
She can't eat her food anymore. She can't eat her food anymore. She can't focus. Freaky. Mmm. Mmm. What a bastard. Damn, what a bastard. Fair play though. Fair play indeed. I fell down a flight of stairs in uni. Sorry, I fell down a flight of stairs in uni campus and he just watched me. As opposed to what? As opposed to your falling. I don't know, Chase. I don't know. Yeah, I'll watch you. So you get to the bottom then. Yeah, because I also won't be there when you look up.
Because I'm over it. Do you mean you fell down the stairs? The flight? Nah, bro. I'm over it. I'm over it. My side's main guy beat me the fuck up whilst the main watched. I'm going to say that again. Slowly. I'm going to say that again slowly. Because I know I saw your pupils. It went. My side's main guy beat me the fuck up whilst my main watched.
- Are you deep on what I said you man? - So I'm her side, she's my side. Her main beat me up whilst my main watched. - Yes bro. - That's convoluted. - That is. What scenario are you guys in for everyone to be in the same dance? - That's all crazy and only one of them is leaving unscathed and that's his side.
His size charged the whole thing. - Charged the whole thing. 'Cause her mane was there to defend her. - Yeah. And she knows why he's mane. - Yeah. - And she's thinking, why? And your mane's thinking, why are you my mane? - What facts? - You're a cheat and you got slumped. And you're my mane. - Oh yeah. This whole thing is- - I want him. I want the boy who slumped you. - He's him. - Damn. - He's him. Now both of them are fighting for him. It's long. It's long. My ex came just from kissing.
He thought I wouldn't notice and he said he was tired. Hmm. Mad. Oh, God. I miss the days where you could not from lips and boy. Obviously, I've never known from lips him, but I used to. I used to get lost in it. You might consider me all you want. I've admitted everything on the show. So if I didn't not from this and I didn't not from this and otherwise I would have fucking said it. I didn't say a thing, bro. Exactly. But your eyes told a story.
- All right bro. - Told you I'm confrontational today. - All right bro. - I'm sorry bro. - All right. - I'm sorry bro. - You don't have to apologize for whatever you've done. - Yeah. - You know? - You don't? - I didn't apologize for what I've done. - So I'm saying you don't have to. I'm literally saying you don't have to. - Yeah, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read. - I'm literally saying you don't have to my bro. - You're sinking the ship, read. - Most embarrassing thing that's happened to you in front of your partner. - Yeah, yeah, go on. - I was drunk and called his mum a "skety bitch". - Oh! - "Sketty bitch"?
I've never even heard the word "skety" before. - Bro. - That's an adjective. - As a female, I said that. - A "skety" bitch. I would have lost my mind. - As the boyfriend or the mother? - As the boyfriend. - Obviously as the mom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Wow. Shut up, you "skety" bitch. - Where does that vocab come from? - Fuck! - That's built in. - Yeah.
Wow. That's emotionally charged. That's facts. Damn, man. Facts. I fell over in a restaurant on a first date and took the table with me. That's buzz. And took the table with me. Oh, God. That's an ankle roller. Oh, that's disgusting. That's an ankle roller. That's your whole, you're perpendicular with the floor because it's not like a stumble, but you're standing upright. You're down, bro.
Facts, bro. That's disgusting. Facts, bro. Scratched my ass and smelt it. And she was looking at me the whole damn time. Oh, okay, cool. Nah, that's horrible. That's horrible. Had my period whilst trying to seduce him in lingerie. That's not ideal. This one would make you scream. Yeah, go on, go on. A crow landed on my head thinking it was a bun nest. Because you attract birds.
That's all I'm hearing. This is not one off. A fucking crow. They're massive and they're terrifying. Landed on my head thinking it was a nest. Nah. Your head top is butters. That's crazy. My car got repossessed whilst we were on the date. Whilst we were on the date, bro.
Oh, just pay them bills, man. Facts. Pay them bills or don't take a route. One or two. I told him I'd swallow his nut, not knowing what it tasted like. I ended up spitting everything back on his stomach. Take, honestly, take the L. In that moment, you promised me sartain. You promised me sartain. Take the L. Not knowing what it would taste like. It must have been nasty. Yeah, I didn't know what lobster would taste like. I backed it.
And threw up. And threw up, obviously. But I did that in the privacy of my own room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You promised me something. What do you mean it's now on my stomach? That's crazy. My own stomach. Yeah, and I've just started. So the PNC is red alert. Yeah, yeah. Like, this is a raw emotion. Yeah, yeah. It's raw emotion. And you just told me it's not even palatable. My DNA is not even palatable. Oh, God.
You have to look at yourself in the mirror. You have to look at yourself in the mirror. I'd have to ask her to leave, man. Obviously, she's probably going to want to leave anyway. But just please, please, please. We were robbed and I ran away. Okay. That's embarrassing. That is embarrassing, but also, I don't know what's going to happen. So run as well. Facts. Because that's dread, because like, I'm thinking now. First date, man. Yeah, first date, I'm bopping around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gas, gas, gas. A couple of ruffians pull up on us and they say, let me see that kettle. I don't know.
Let me hold it. And I'm like, fuck. And I'm thinking, this is facts. I'm not trying to risk this. I look at her. She looks at me. I give her the wink, which means...
- Dip in your imagination. - She's thinking it means he's about to do superhero. - Yeah, that's what she thinks. She thinks, I got this baby. - Yeah, I got it. - Stay put. - Yeah, I got this. And she's like, wow. - I'm dating him. - Meanwhile, you're in the start. - I turn, you're in Frozone starts, you're gone. - You know in the flash in Justice League. - Yeah, yeah.
You're gone. Yeah, I'm gone, bro. And I turn around and she's still there. Fuck's sake. Babe, run. Charged. Yeah, yeah. You know when, boys in the hood, where Ricky gets shot. Oh, and it drapes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's in the alley and the Cuba Gooding Jr. turns around and he's like, okay. That'll be me to bae. Oh.
Run, bro. And if she's still there, like, wow. And then if she's getting mugged, that's the worst bit. Because if I turn around and I see her, like, fighting for her handbag, what would you do? I'm moving out of London. I'm moving to Newcastle or something, bro. Because that whole thing is long. You're in Shade Borough before midnight. Before midnight. Before my Uber arrives. I'm all over it.
- Oh God. - Jane runs away from this first date and allows her date to get mugged. - Get mugged. Oh, I'm livid about it. I'm livid about it. - Should we give a post-match analysis as well to everything? Oh, he winked at me. I thought he had this. Before I knew it, I turned around and he was gone. - He was running. - They stole my bag. They stole everything. They took my heels and all sorts. - Oh, imagine. - Bro, thing is, no one could tell me nothing. I'd be here. I'd release my own statement straight away.
From the back of the Uber, bro. Camera facing. My own statement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My own turn of events, bro. I gave her the wink and run. The wink and dip. She wasn't paying attention. You think I need a woman in my life that doesn't pay attention? Spin it. I'll spin the whole story. She's susceptible. I don't need that kind of heat. Oh, that's jokes. Oh, God. All right, most embarrassing thing that's happened to you in front of your partner.
I choked on an oyster while claiming to be a goat throat. - First of all, don't ever claim to be shit. Let me find out. - Facts. - I'm a goat throat first of all, how do you know? That's the first thing I wanna know. I got a goat throat. How do you know? - She finished off by saying- - Oh damn, it's not finished. - The server had to save my life. - The Heimlich. - That's disgusting. - Oh my God. - Can you imagine? 'Cause you know I got that goat throat and just-
- Regurg, the whole thing regurgs. - The next man's there like, ah, ah. - No, that's so. - Dipping bro. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm calling for facts. - Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts. Play with your strengths man. Me and my partner was at dinner and this waiter was a guy that ate my pussy to the bone. - Where's the embarrassment?
Where's the embarrassment? She's just having flashbacks. Maybe my assumption is... To the bone. To the bone is brazy. When I read that the first time, I licked my lips. To the bone? Damn. Wow. Wow, indeed. The only thing I can think of is maybe... Oh, no, to be fair, it's a first. Thank you.
- To the bone. A-man puts it to the bone. She bit her lip when she saw him. - Facts. The only thing I can think of is, obviously there, there've been a relationship where they've told each other about each other's past and other partners and blah, blah, blah. That's the only reason why. It's obviously embarrassing for him. It's not embarrassing for her to an extent. But yeah, that's the only way I could see that him being embarrassed.
- That's infuriating. - What would you do if you were on a date? You were on a first date and there was a thing that you absolutely smothered. - Not even like an ex, like a girl that I just ran through. - And she smothered your pelvis with spit. That's the throat she was giving. - Oh God. - That's the throat she was giving. When you're on a date with a legless, you're conflicted.
- And I know homegirl's still keen. - You can tell, she's your server, my bro. She's giving you extra spring rolls and them thing. Yeah, yeah. In your windows with the spring as well. - I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I wouldn't be able to smother your pelvis in spit. Damn! Damn! I don't think you're getting it. Damn, bro! Damn!
I will miss that like a child. I will miss that at my first born child, bro. Wow. I wouldn't concentrate on this date. Damn. In your windows. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm charging this whole date. I need that again. Oh my God. Oh my God. Bro, throat is my weakness as well.
Over a tomb? Throws my weakness. I can't have that happen to me. Bro! Wow! Whoa, bro! I would need that. I would need that like candy floss. Wow! My sweet tooth would be kicking in. Jesus!
Thank you for that, bro. Jesus Christ. Thank you for that so much. Wow. All right, I got a few more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I'm going to just smash through the rest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most embarrassing thing that's happened to you in front of your partner. Got too drunk, fell asleep in the shower and never even turned the water on.
- Oh God. - That's funny. - I have weak ankles and whilst I was walking, they gave out and I pushed a lady into the street whilst I was walking. - To know you have weak ankles is the funniest thing I've ever heard. - Because she's risking her life on a daily. - Every time is a risk. Every time I put these fucking heels on it's a risk 'cause I know my ankles are weak. - I pushed a lady into the street, it's crazy.
- I would sue her. - Facts. - Sue her on her fucking ankles. - You can't push me into the street and then claim I've got weak ankles, I'm sorry. - That doesn't add up to me. - I've got weak ankles and they gave out. - Wow. - That's pathetic. - Oh, understatement. Oh God, I've laughed, man. My entire family roasted me about my teeth and she joined in.
That's so peak. Yeah, that is. That's so peak. That is peak. What kind of family is that, by the way? In front of my love. Facts, bro. Whether it be first date or whatever. To be fair, it can't be first date. Can't be first date. Surely not. We're all cooking my tea from the first date. Nah, hands. Hands. Oh, God. I chest bumped her dad and our cocks hit each other the wrong way. We were both on the floor gasping.
- Yuck. - Very much so. I was standing in the way of a mutual friend and he picked me up and moved me to the side. - This whole is scaring me because like, I can't find out that my girls dated men. - Yeah. - Yeah. I can't find out my girls dated men. He picked me up and moved me to the side. I will try and pick him up or something. - Yeah, you'd have to try and one up the whole situation. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll put him in like a triangle or something.
I don't know what I'd do. I'd be livid. Cause I know it's effortless. - For him, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just stop. - Stop. - And then when girls get picked up, they're always like, "Again, again." - Oh my God, that was so easy for you. - "You're so strong." - And they just look at your partner like. - And they're like, "Why aren't you strong like that?" - "What's your gym routine? He's been trying to go to gym for time."
He's been going gym for time. What did you learn? Don't get tips from the ops. Yeah. Don't you dare get tips from the ops. And he hits you with that. What did Donnie say in the comments? It's just laziness. It's just laziness. I just think it's laziness. I know that's right. She's like, bro, story of my life. I need a man in my life who's not lazy. Oh, charged. Yeah, yeah. Of course, of course, of course. In that moment, yeah, obviously. I wouldn't stick around to hear any of that. Charged. Charged. I've changed the locks. Yeah. All right, last one.
I nearly passed out in Miller and Carter because I secretly had a butt plug in for later on antics. Yum. She put the effort in. She put the effort in. She really did. Yeah, man. There can't be much. There can't be. I don't think there's fewer pleasures that could be in life than discovering a butt plug that's been there from.
- I'm getting notes to you. - Yeah, you've been out, dinner, drinks, everything. She's dressed up, cool, back to the room. She ain't left your sight. Draws her off and you're seeing a butt plug. - I'll scream of Nazareth. I'll say the whole four bars. Jesus Christ of Nazareth. - I'll say the whole four bars, bro.
- Oh my God. - 'Cause you're a trooper. - Yeah, you're- - You're a trooper. - Yeah. - You really play this sport. You really play this sport. - Ballon d'or. - Fam, it was effortless. - Wow. That's the golden boot. - Fuck me, man. - Oh God. You know you're banging that night. Banging that night. God have mercy.
Wow. I think I'll be so angry because I'll be so excited. And I know the nut won't be. Yeah. It wouldn't be. It's built up too much. I can't. I can't meet this level of anticipation. It'll be too. I'll be nutting so. Because I know she wants anal from the jump. She don't want this toy thing in her anymore.
- She wants that slip and slide. - Suck it out. That's what she's thinking. Take them teeth and suck it out. - She wants that slip and slide and then you just, you know, the pH, all that whole thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, man. Yeah, man. - Oh, I would lose it. - Yeah, same. - I would lose it. - Same. - She's a trooper. - She's a trooper. She's a real life trooper, bro. - Bro, there isn't a male equivalent and it needs to be. - What could it possibly be though? - I can't imagine.
Damn, that was jokes. That was funny. Welcome back, guys. Indeed. Welcome back to the show known as Shits and Gigs. Second best podcast in the world. Second best podcast on planet Earth. Facts. And we've had a time, man. We have indeed, man. We've had a time, bro. As you can see, we just returned from traveling around the US of A. We did. We did some cool collabs, met some cool people. And now we're back on home soil, man. Yeah, man. With some...
Education. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your boy's learning to be better. Learning to be better. Learning to be more in service of people. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. I met some incredible people over there and it made me feel like a real piece of shit. So from now on, guys, your boy is moving in service. If you ever meet me and you need something, I'm going to take care of it. Say less. Within reason.
Disclaimer. Yeah. Because I already know that a brother will roll up and say, I need to nut. I know that's what's going to happen. I need to nut or I need money. Help me. My funds are low and I've got fucking bills to pay. Yeah. Then it's long. Yeah. That's between you and Jehovah. Yeah. But yeah. Most reasonable things. I got you. I got you. Say less. But anyway, guys, obviously, you know what to do.
Pause the episode right now. Head on over to patreon.com forward slash shits and gigs. Once you're there, we need you to contribute through Panama. 10p a day. Run the P to S and G and you can actually be part of the family. That's it. That literally is it. You're a top boy now. Going forward. Or a top girl. Going forward.
You're top, top, top. And that brings like an extra certain just level of smugness. It does. It also adds like a bit of, it gives you a bit more inches. You know, you feel like you're on cloud nine 24 seven when you pay that three pound a month 10 BAD. Facts bro. You just do. Three pound a month means three inches upstairs and downstairs. Come on.
- That works for both genders. - Bro, facts. - Come on. - Bro, that's what we're doing over here. When you're a top boy, that's just what happens. I don't know the science behind it, but that's just what happens. - It's facts bro, we don't argue with facts. - Yeah, everything you give to us, we give back. So anyway, patreon.com/shakescagigs, head on over there now. And then you've got like, whilst all that inches stuff is happening, you've also got four years of content to watch and to listen and to binge and to enjoy and to digest. So no brainer, personally, if you're watching on YouTube,
Thanks for starters. Thank you. Please subscribe to the channel. You must. You literally must. You must. And if you are listening on anywhere where you listen to podcasts, please give us a nice review. Please leave us a nice review. I want five stars. Yeah. Fiat wants five stars. I would really like five stars. And if you could do that, we'll be eternally grateful. It's now time.
We've had collabs. We've had Rem not being here. He's here now. There's no guessing. - No guessing. - Back to the OG squad, which means one thing, top five. - Let's go. It's been a big hiatus, but we're back. Ellis the Menace, please remind us of the scores, my dog. - So the score is 14, eight, three. - 14 to Jimmy, eight to Rem.
Three to Ellis. Yeah, Ellis, we need to help you out, man. Yes. We do need to help you out, but I don't know if that's going to be this week, but we shall see. Because I feel like this one could be anyone's bag. Okay. It really could be anyone's bag. Top five of this week is, I want you guys to tell me the top five most searched categories ever.
of PornHub in 2022. I couldn't do 2023, obviously the year's not over. This could be, that's like, it could be anyone's bag. - It could be actually. - It could be anyone's bag. - Top five search categories.
- This is gonna bait some people. - Obviously, as we always do top five, I don't necessarily ask you for specific orders and sometimes. But if you can give me an order as well, if you get an order, I'll also give you a bonus point. - Ain't no one getting an order. - If you get in order, you not only need to give them a bonus point, but they need to get a life. - Yeah, they need to get help. - Yeah, that's crazy. - I mean, you three are the ones answering. So you're saying that to yourselves. - I almost don't want to get this in order because that's- - I kinda don't wanna get it right.
- Yeah. - Makes me feel fucking weird. - Son, you are wanna win. - I don't wanna win. - I don't wanna get chatted. That sounds like loser talk. - Not like this. I don't wanna win like this. - I don't wanna win like this. - Jokes. - Oh God. - I promise you this has no bearing on why I search. - You don't need to prove anything to me. - Yeah, you don't need to explain anything to us, bro. If it is what you search, it is what you search. - This is on you. Obviously guys at home listening and watching,
Let us know what your thoughts, your answers are in the comments below. What does Randy search in South Park? Handy. When he, oh my God. When he does like. Brazilian fart porn. He goes off on one of them. Brazilian fart. Why Brazilian? Yeah. Fart porn. That's crazy. I'm not even going to lie. I'm a kind of like a boring porn watcher. I'm not a categories kind of guy. I see what I usually see what the homepage is telling me.
- Fair. - And then sometimes, yeah. I've never searched through categories in my life. - No. - In your life? - Maybe once. - I've never gone through categories. - I mean, I have. I'm not even gonna. - You've never searched categories? - Categories? Come on, bro. - I've never gone through categories. - Nah, I'm specific taste. I know what I want. That's what the search bar's for. I ain't not scrolling through categories. I know what I want, I know what I like.
- If you know what you want, you can find that in a category now. So you search the category. You see what I'm saying? - Well, the search bar's right there. It saves you the time. - They don't have categories for why I like. I'm joking. - Okay. - Is he? - Okay. Cool. So I've gone for MILF. - Is this an order or are you just giving me a five? - It could be an order, yeah. - So is MILF one or is MILF five? - MILF is one. - Hmm, Conf. MILF is one. - Amateur.
- That's a shout. - That is a shout. - I've never watched Amateur. - I have. - I have. - Same. - I was gonna say. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've got Latina. - Nice. My dog. - Say less, Ellis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm locked in bro Tell me your categories fam Oh jeez Yeah Lesbian Yeah That's a good one as well Yeah And then anal Okay Yeah Rem Again question Is this one to five Or is this a five I might as well just Attempt the one to five Okay The first one you give me Is it five or one
It's gonna be Same as Ellis So one to five Yeah Talk to me Number one BDSM Number two Lesbian Number three Masturbate Masturbate? Or like solo Solo girl Yeah Damn Number four Anal And then five POV
- POV. - I did think of that. - Damn, you man have got good categories. I could tell you're gonna stay in the categories. - Jimmy. - I've gone for- - Is it again, same question, one to five? - Yeah, it's just whatever. I'm never gonna get the order. - Okay. - I've gone for MILF. - That's a good one, you know. - I've gone step-mom. - Step-brother. - Less. - Yeah, then I went interracial IR, yeah.
I'm not writing interracial, bro. It's IR, isn't it? It is IR. You stay on board. I'm not writing interracial. I said IR. IR. You said it so quick. IR facts. I'm not typing interracial or writing interracial, rather. IR. Next. And then I went hentai. And then finished on anal with the boys. Number five. None of you wrote down.
Hazard to guess what you think it is. None of you wrote this down. Just a guess. Flipping. What's missing? Three. Blacked. Two. Granny. One. Oh, no. Transgender. Fair play. It did cross my mind. It crossed my mind. Trash. Transgender. That's up, up. Number five, bro. Fair play. Number four. None of you wrote. For sake. Guess anyone or just go for it. Just go for it. Threesome.
- Threesome. - It's classic. - Threesome. - That's classic. Number three, none of you wrote. Mature. - Okay. - Mature. - Mature. - Mature. - Yeah. - I've delved. - What's that like? - I've delved. - That's 40 or something. - Yep, that's exactly what it is, my guy. - Yeah, bro. - It's the matures, yeah. - Yeah, that's exactly what it is, my guy. - That's a little something. - Number two, MILF. - Okay. - Fuck sake, I'm out already.
Number two, MILF. - This might be Ellis's dub. - Number one. - Oh, Rem's gonna claw back in. - Number one, two of you wrote this. - Ellis has got the dub. - Yeah. - Two of you wrote this. - I didn't write it, they wrote it and they let them. - Number one is Lesbian. - Lesbian. - Oh. - Mad.
- We found his niche guys. - Gaming and porn. - Yeah. - That's four now Ellis. - That's four. - Let's go. - Well played. - I'm not proud of that one. - The master of the porn. - I'm not proud of that one. - Ellis the menace. - Ellis the menace. - Now means something else. - Yeah man. - Let's go. - Well played, well played, well played. That was interesting.
Right guys, so it's been a few weeks, but we're going to get back into the story of Dr. McAllister. Yes, where did we leave? This is your third part right now. This is part three. I can't remember why I've been in part two. I remember the general, oh, was it when the wife came with the brethren? This is a paid advertisement for BetterHelp. Bro. Talk to me. Real quick, ask me what my self-care non-negotiables are. What? Grounding. Grounding.
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Betterhelp.com slash gigs pod today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L P.com slash gigs pod. So where we left it. So guys, if you don't know about the Dr. McAllister story, um, yeah, obviously go back and watch it. But, um, quick synopsis, a dude has gone to a therapist whilst under hypnosis. Um,
This dude has told the therapist about their past, about their future. And the therapist now, the therapist being Dr. McAllister, now deems their patient as some sort of God. So Dr. McAllister has now stolen and kidnapped them, put them in his basement, kept him there and keeps stabbing him up with hallucinogens to knock him out so he can do more prolific stuff. Crazy. So...
Now, where we left off, Dr. McAllister has now introduced his wife and they've been calling the God of knowledge. Dr. McAllister's wife is down there asking for stuff. His colleagues and friends are now in the basement. And then where we left it, no matter how many of them I beg to release me, the outcome was always the same. Over time, a religion of sorts began to form. Over time, McAllister drew in his cult.
Right. Part three. Here we go. It was only a few at first, five or ten, but it began to grow into a sizable flock. That's crazy. Isn't it though? The followers began to take care of me, washing and feeding and seeing to my every whim. Whilst all chained to a chair. Yeah, facts. Seeing to my every whim, except the most important.
I would ask them to release me, beg them to let me go. But it was always interpreted as a test of some sort. That God was testing them to see if they were loyal to the here or to the hereafter. Facts. They're crazy. They're crazy. They've lost their minds. I'm screaming, let me go. And them and I are thinking it's a test. He's attesting us. Don't let him go.
They would thank me for helping them fortify their belief in me as they slid my hands back into the restraints or push my head back into the buckles. I yelled at them, called them idiots and try to push them. But the constant use of sedatives and the lack of exercise had made me weak.
I wasn't wasting away, but I wasn't getting the exercise I needed to be certain. I could do little to free myself. My bonds always replaced. And after a while, I just gave in. The funny thing was that whatever I was telling them while I was under was working. McAllister showed me the money he had made. What? McAllister showed me the money he had made. One earned from stock and selling property and the cult thrived.
What's more, they all claimed to have cast off whatever addiction or mental health problems or childhood trauma had plagued them and were addicted now to nothing but serving me. Like McAllister had said, those who tried to leave or return to their lives reported feeling hopeless and manic unless they could return to my presence and hear my words, whatever they were. That was when things began to get bad.
McAllister was truly addicted to my influence and it led him to overstep. McAllister had been gathering his followers at his home and while it was large, it was becoming too small to hold all of them. I can't really speculate on how many were there, but the basement was standing room only. I sat beneath a small bar that he was standing on and the sea of bodies was dizzying. Though he was speaking...
They all looked at me as if they were speaking through him. So many eyes looking at me, my body still held in the chair I had sat in for God knew how long. For God knew how long was something I never got used to. It never made me feel like a deity. It never made me feel powerful to have them worship me. I always felt like a pet. It's freedom just one open door away. McAllister said they would be moving to a new place soon.
a place that would house them all comfortably. They could all stay there indefinitely, leaving their jobs and lives behind so they could care for the captive God. He didn't say where it was, but he said they would all go this afternoon and to prepare for a long journey. Oh my goodness. Fam, the afternoon would scare me. Oh my goodness. What do you mean today? We're going right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now. Right now. Right now. Oh my God. They were all so happy. Their faces, um,
enraptured their faces enraptured as he told them of their new home but i began to feel that this would never end when he began to bring people to see me i had hoped that someone would fail to see me as he did and get me out of here they would take me away from him they would call the police and i would be saved from my captivity that never happened
whatever power i had held them in sway and after a while i doubted that i would ever get out of here i didn't know how long i had been mcallister's captive god but i knew that no matter how comfortable the life this had to end i decided then that if they weren't going to get me out i would have to do it myself strangely my chance came that very day they had all left they had all left me so they could prepare
and as I sat in the shadowy basement I realized that my wrist strap was undone. This had never happened before and for a moment I wasn't sure what to do. It took all the energy I had to focus enough to get that hand to undo the other strap and when I bent down to undo my legs the effort seemed to take years. My mind was like unraveled yarn. It was hard to focus on any particular task.
When the bonds came off my legs, I got shakily to my feet before bending to rub some life into them. They were prickly from lack of use and I took shaky steps as I made for the stairs. I got to the top before I was discovered. I peeked through the door and into the barren kitchen beyond. The cupboards were empty. The cupboards were empty, the countertops clean and I could tell that this room had already been cleaned out for the move.
I just decided to take a step out and make for the back door when someone walks into the kitchen and saw me. Fam? Fam? They called for McAllister. They called for McAllister. I dropped my knees. Walking to me as they insisted I return to my chair. I pushed at them, tell them to get out of my way.
but as I lunged for the back door, I heard others coming in to stop me. I made it to the backyard, squinting as the sun hit my eyes, but found it fenced with tall wooden boards. I was grabbed by many hands, and when someone slipped a needle into my neck, I looked back to see McAllister instructing them to get me to the car. This is some scary movie type shit, boy. Bro, this is terrifying.
I came to sometime later and I was laying in an elaborate bed, my hands cuffed to the frame. That began the worst part of my confinement, though it was thankfully the end of it. After that, the drugging became worse. McAllister and his inner circle kept me in a near constant catatonic state. The drugs he used were no longer just injected,
and they began to experiment with other substances. The documents that were found later said they received different outcomes when different kind of drugs were used and they often sat around and drank or laughed as they came in and out of reality. I was aware of nothing in those times, a ship drifting on a sea of time. I could have been with them for days, I could have spent decades under their control but to me,
Time was only islands glimpsed from afar. That's wordage. That's pen game. I didn't see many people in that time, just the five or so who were in McAllister's inner circle. But these men always spoke as if they were doing very well. Often there was cigar smoke around my bed, the smell of expensive liquor, and always the low murmur of talk as they waited for me to tell them what else they might do to gain more power.
I had become their oracle, their captive god as opposed to a revered deity and they threatened to use me up. These are the times I remember the least about, except for the end. I spent a lot of my days in a black stupor and the more they experimented, the more often I was back in the black place. When I came back from these trances, I noticed the change in my captor.
Gone were the shining eyes of the enraptured, disappeared were the weeping orbs of enlightenment. They were replaced by the flinty eyes of the zealot, and I was afraid that he might break his promise. He looked angry, but also resolved. Whatever I told him weighed heavily on him, but I wouldn't understand the burden for a while yet. Not till the day it all came to an end. Okay, I'm going to stop there.
I think we're about to get into the crux of it. Oh, yeah. It sounds like it. It sounds like we're going to get into the crux of it. His pen game is different. Yeah. What are you talking about? Eyes of the Zealot? Your pen game is different, my dog. Bro. Maybe you're a deity. Jesus. Facts. Maybe you are. Lickle captured God. Right. So we're going to finish on not to the day it all came to an end. We've...
next week we're gonna finish it yeah yeah there's one more left next week we're gonna finish it okay damn super interesting wow okay right you've got a dilemma for us i do this girl says been dating the guy for the past three months we had the best time and we're on the cusp of getting back into a relationship about five weeks ago his mom had a serious heart attack and has been really ill
During the time she's been ill, he's been amazing. Communication has been great and he's seen me, sorry, communication has been great and has seen me when he can between work, traveling home and looking after his dad. Last week, we were meant to see each other when he texts me saying she's only been given 72 hours to live. He asked me to bear with him for the few days and that he really needed to be with his family.
And I have had very sporadic messages since. I've told him I'm here for him and I miss him and I respect his time and I respect the time that he needs. I've not heard from him for around a week, so I'm assuming the worst. And I don't know when I'm next going to hear from him. I feel guilty going on with my normal life, but don't know how long I should give him slash wait for him slash how often I should message him.
What would you do in this situation? We care about each other a lot. But I also get that I've only been in his life for three months. Run it back again, bro. So long story short, dating a brother. Things are going well. He finds out his mom is she had a serious heart attack and she's fallen ill. He says, bear with me.
i just need some time while i'm dealing with work trying to look after my pops and obviously trying to look after my mom at the same time she's understanding of this um but as time is going on the messages are getting less and less frequent and it's becoming just very sporadic um he now messages her saying oh my mom has only been given 72 hours to live basically three days to live um and he's saying bear with it's gonna take some time just bear with me
So she's asking how, because she says she's feeling guilty about moving on with her normal life. Yeah. Dating for three months or seeing each other three months. And she's asking, how long should I give him? How long should I wait for him? Or how often should I message him? And what would we do in this situation? Bearing in mind, you only know this person for three months, but within three months, you know, three months is a fair amount of time to get close with someone. Yeah. And to be affiliated with like family trauma in that aspect, you can,
I can kind of see what they're saying. That is a really tough one because it puts, it fucks up the whole ting because it's like three months is not enough time to even know if we're going to go anywhere. So it's like, it adds extra, so much extra pressure on similar to like when, you know, when like COVID happened, right? Yes. And everyone was in lockdown. Yes. And then you had all these couples that weren't ready to move in with each other, basically just move in with each other. Yes. And it's like,
It's fucked up the whole thing. Because we could have been something special. But now I see you every day when I'm not ready for it. And I hate you. And now after COVID, what? Do we just stop living together? And it's like, you're with this person and in a short amount of time, they're going through all this trauma. And it's like, there's a certain expectation now where...
you've just lost your mom. You're looking after your dad. You're busy with work. You've had me on pause. And because you've had me on pause for all this time, you now, even though I'm not asking for it, you now like there's an unwritten rule where you now owe me so much. We can't just pick up where we left off because you know, I've just been putting my shit on pause for you.
So now you need to reward me in an essence for putting you on pause. And now we've escalated this ratio way further. Plus you're going through shit. So I need to be extra, extra, extra nice to you because you just lost your mom. When really it's like, I can't even just have the normal chit chat or like, if I'm pissed off at you or not really fancying it today, I've got to deal with this whole thing that you've just lost your mom.
And I'm like, I'm now your support system in a way and all this kind of shit. It's just like way too much pressure. Can I even go on other dates with people? Because it's like, yeah, I don't really know you like that. Yeah, it's an impossible situation. As you were talking, I was thinking if I was in his or her shoes, no, more so if I was in her shoes rather, I would...
still try my best okay here's how i'll do it yes so you're the man right i would say to you i know you're going through all this hardship i understand the situation you're in and i'm here for you totally you can take as long as you need to not necessarily get over the situation but deal with the situation but i just want you to personally know that
I don't know how long this is going to be for. So I'm still going to be your support system. But I also want you to know that if you start to see maybe changes in our quote unquote relationship, just know that it has nothing to do with you, but just the fact that I know you need time to deal with this. So I can't, I'm not necessarily pausing my life or my like quote unquote marital life.
because of the situation you're in. But within the same breath, we've known each other for X amount of time. I still care for you. I'm going to be there for you. - Yeah. - 'Cause there is no win-win, but there's also no like, it's never gonna be a fair trade off. And I feel like me saying that I'm going to be there for you, 'cause I will be there for you, but I just also won't be able to put my life on pause for you. - Yeah, 100%.
- I think the main crux of it is that in my opinion, it only works in the best case scenario is if he's given her an out. So if it's me, I would immediately, if I'm going through this stuff, I'm not asking her, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me get through this. I'll be like, bro, you don't owe me anything. It's only been a few months.
if you want to just move on, I can't ask you to wait for me. And it's actually not fair for me to ask you to wait. If you want to crack on, crack on. And then it gives her the opportunity to be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's calm. Like I want to be here. And then you're like, all right, bet. Then wait. And then we can pick it up on a normal ting. I'm not putting any pressure on you. And then also you don't have to be overly, overly, overly like, oh my God, he's lost his mother. Because I've given you the opportunity to dip. Yeah, but also if I'm dating someone for three months and they still give me the opportunity to dip, I'm probably not going to say no anyway.
You're not going to take the opportunity to dip? I think it's heartless, bro. Because my moral compass will come in before my own selfish needs.
in that essence, if you see what I'm saying. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is like, you don't have to frame it as in like, we need to stop seeing each other. You can frame it as in like, I'm gonna be getting on with this. I'm obviously, you know I'm gonna be busy. So I'm just saying, don't wait around for me. Like you don't have to like, I'm not saying like we're done or I'm not giving you the opportunity to say I'm done. I'm saying like,
You just get on with you and you speak to me when you want to speak to me. And like, after this, you'll see me when you want to see me. Not necessarily like, this is your opportunity to block my number. Yeah. Because obviously that is heartless. Because if someone is then like, okay, thanks. Yeah, I'm done with this. It's just a very much like,
I'm just very aware we've only known each other for three months. I'm not trying to put any pressure on you whatsoever. I'm not asking you to wait around. So just so you know, if after all this is said and done, if you tell me,
I went on a date last night or I did this or like, I'm just like, I'm going away for a few days. I didn't tell you about it. I'm not gonna be angry. I'm not, I have no, like no pressure. No pressure. Everything's, the ball's entirely in your court. - Yeah, I think I get that completely. And I was replying in like, if I was the female, but also if I'm the guy and I've said all of this,
And then like two months after my mom's passed away, he told me I'm going to where I've got a couple of dates. Not in obviously that loosely. I'd fall to my knees. Yeah, but that's too... If it's two months after the mom's passed, that's a piss date. She should be going on dates. Two months. Don't get me wrong. I know she should.
But I'm just saying, I've lost my mum and I've lost my potential girl. I'm pulling to my knees because it's a lose-lose. You see what I'm saying? I'm still emotionally hurt. Losing your mum or losing anyone, do you know what I mean? It can hurt me today, it can hurt me next year. It doesn't matter. But don't get me wrong, I get where you're coming from. I feel like it's a very tough situation to be in.
Very difficult dialogue. She's in a position where she slightly has no choice but to be a prick. To an extent. Yeah, to an extent. Unless she is going to go all in with this whole support system thing, she has no choice but to be a prick because that's the position he's put her in. Unintentionally. Yeah, unintentionally. I don't really know. In my opinion, yeah, I have no advice. It's an impossible situation. Do what your gut tells you, man. Do what your gut tells you and just try and be...
Try and articulate yourself as best as you can, knowing how much your quote unquote partner is hurting at the moment. So yeah. Also on top of that as well, don't assume you know what he's going through in terms of like, so we're talking under the braces of, like you said, like I've lost my mom and I've lost my girl. Like this is the worst situation in my life. Whereas like some people, me for example, if my mom's going through that, I'm not thinking about
this relationship stuff. I'm laser focused on this. So if she's messaging me talking about like, yeah, it's not ready for me or I'll be like, I don't care. Like that's fine. Yeah, I'm not even thinking about this right now. Like go, do your thing. We'll pick it up another time or we won't. So yeah, don't assume that like you'd be the villain if you say how you feel. Cause he might just be like, yeah, fine, whatever. Yeah, like I'm dealing with stuff. Yeah, fair enough.
Yeah, I guess that's your advice. Yeah, fuck, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, let's do some funny stuff. Let's do some funny stuff. We've got the thread, yeah? We do have a thread. I've got to send this thread bare. You and me both, G. You and me both. And I found, don't get me wrong, I found it hilarious. So the thread we are going to do for you guys today is married men.
men riz married men riz let's go they were sending for european men in there oh facts bro of course they were all right calm calm calm calm calm calm calm calm this is a jamaican brother yeah you know believe me when we say my love you're bad the girl replied don't you have a wife he replied yeah for now damn for now all right well at least he's talking about leaving yeah yeah yeah
My girl said, that's your wife. But you told me she's your friend. I said, I have a friend in her. Wow. That's nuts. Her name's Sumi. Sumi, please may I ask if you're married? Oh, his name is Sumi, sorry. Please may I ask if you're married? No, I'm not. We should move to solidify our friendship. I thought you were married.
And she replied, LOL, no problem. He replied, 100. How was your weekend? I thought you were married. 100. How was your weekend? Moving on. Moving on. Let's not play these games. We're not dwelling on this. Damn. He messaged her, my runaway bride. Smiley face, smiley face. She replied, what of the one you have at home?
that's my stay at home bride oh wow you're my little runaway bride that's my stay at home bride it's my birthday soon she replied and it would be nice to see you around i know you wouldn't come to manchester for me if i was if i was to ask so if i make the trip down to your ends do you think that's wise i don't see why not with a yeah did you leave your wife because you're speaking like a single person
"How should a married person be speaking?" - Not this way. He said, "Okay, I roll." And replied to a story, "Where are we going?" - Oh my God. - These guys are bastards. Oh my days. - How should a married man be speaking? - There's drugs. - Don't give up. Don't give up, bro. - They see thighs and that's it. - That's it.
Right. So she messaged him. I'm asking again. Are you married? Man replied. It depends on you. Me? As how? Do you want me married or single? She replied. Lol. Lol. 45 minutes later. Hey, sweetie. Do do. Sweetie. What the hell, bro?
- Oh God. - So she wrote, "Who's that woman and kids you posted on your status?" He said, "Oh, that one. She's my wife, but we're just friends. Don't worry." His name is Wongi. So she wrote, "Wongi, how about your kids? Are they just your friends too? Depends on how you look at it." - These men are savages, bro. - She said, "Are you married?" Man replied, "Why do you ask?" She said, "Yes or no."
That's a bit too personal for me to answer. Also, I'd like to focus on us and not the outside noise. When I'm talking to you, focus. Yeah, bro. Focus. Are you trying about yes or no? Outside noise. Focus on us. It's jokes. Outside noise. Oh my days. You never told me you were married. Why would you need that piece of information? Bro. Oh God.
This one's sweetened me. All right. So the title of the tweet is Yoruba men are unmatched. Yeah. So she texts him, are you married? Man said, now you're looking for a means to run away. Yeah.
- A means? - Oh my God. - Now you're looking for a means to run away. - Oh wow. - So she's replying to a photo of I'm assuming a wedding invitation. So she's put, "You're getting married?" Like nah, laugh out loud. Nah, it's not me. You're my wife, you know? She put, "Uh, lol, 'cause I saw your name and surnames." He said, "Ha ha, me too. I was scared at first, but then I realized it wasn't me."
These men are next level. Bro, I'm deleting the chat. She's found my wedding invitation. It's done. Oh my God. I was scared too. Then I realized it wasn't me. Oh my God. Aren't you like married? Man replied. I stay with someone's daughter. She said, your wife? Man said, yes.
I stay with someone's daughter. Oh, God. Oh, wow. Mine went the long way around. You got a wife back in Nige? He replied, this is so random. Laughing emoji, laughing emoji, laughing emoji. Said, it's an important question. And you didn't say no. He replied, it is. Now I know this stumps all the excitement of meeting up with me. You do? Is this the end? If you have a wife, yes, sir. That's why African men lie through their teeth. The truth doesn't set us free.
Bro, no shame. - The truth doesn't set us free. - Oh, man, I just want women. You're making it bad difficult, bro. I just want women. - Oh my God. - This is so random.
That's so jakes. So she said, so you went and got married. Mara replied, I got kidnapped into it. Damn. Hey, you're cute. This is going to be super random, but do you have a girlfriend? He replied. No. Why? Smiley face. Your girl said I should ask you and send her a screenshot. Sad face. Sad face.
Charged Charged Charged Ting Wow Aren't you like married or something? Not really I don't get it What do you mean not really? Laugh my ass off I mean Sometimes I'm married Sometimes I'm not When I'm at home I'm married When I'm not at home I'm single Oh my god This one He's chatting to himself Good morning How was your night? Next day Why can't you pick up your calls?
Next day. What is this? Man replied to Ting's story. I think you with my wedding ring on. She aired it. He replied to her next story. Vigorously. Wow. Bro, some guys are animals. The vigorous. The vigorous is nuts. Man replied to some. He just said, please. She replied. You've got a wife, bro. He said, yes.
My wife is not a problem. She's like a sister, I swear. We just respect each other. She replied, Jesus. Are you not married? Not the point here. What's that got to do with this? She's not even here. Does that still make you single? Yes, by location. I'll take good care of you. Oh my God, bro. You never told me you had kids. Reply. I tried to tell you, but... And he put his hand over his face. She's like, but what?
You said you don't like guys that talk too much. She replied, are you okay? Are you okay? I just wish my wife can allow me to swap positions with you. Excuse me, what? Every time I look at her, I see your face. Even my kids have started to resemble you. That's insane. That's the most disrespectful thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Facts. Even my kids have started to resemble you. Nah, he's daydreaming. Bro. He's daydreaming. Imagine being the wife and seeing that.
She'd have to jump. I would give anything for you and my wife to, even my kids look like you. You'll fit right in. Damn, bro. She'd want to kill herself. She'd have to jump. Oh my God, bro. All right, two more. Why didn't you tell me you were married with four kids? I'm shy. I'm shy, you know. I'm shy. All right, last one. Your wife's picture is literally all over your page. You shouldn't be talking about love with me or anyone else.
But my wife isn't complaining, dear. Laughing my ass off. Oh, wow. My wife's not complaining. My wife's not complaining. Damn. Wow. But yeah, that's the thread. Okay. Jesus, man. Married men riz thread. Married... The fact that there's a thread called married men riz and we probably had more submissions than...
we've ever had on an e-thread. Facts, yeah. That's nuts. Hilarious. Gosh. Okay, guys. Well, that's the session for today. Thank you very, very much. And as always, patreon.com, 4SashitsAndGigs. Go and see us over there. And we will be tuning in on Thursday. See you there on Thursday. Love, love, love.
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