CAUGHT IN THE ACT?! | EP 371 | ShxtsNGigs Podcast
49:44 Share

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.

LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. This episode is brought to you by Hulu. Hulu Anime Ahem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows. Get ready to be bowled over, have your socks knocked off,

and get thrown for a loop, all in one convenient streaming location. Stream stone-cold animated favourites like Family Guy, Futurama and Bob's Burgers. And you can also catch Solar Opposites, Hitmonkey, American Dad and tons more. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around like The Great North, Grimsburg,

Crapopolis, and so many more. That's right, guys. If you're looking for your favorite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Mayhem, your animation destination, now streaming on Hulu. Bro. My wife hissed at me. Yeah, yeah. Tony said we're beating LA, bro. Okay, guys, right. Welcome back. Indeed. Thank you for coming. Thank you for staying. It's...

Sometimes it's so gang sometimes I'm just I don't know it's not even your fault. I was like shut up. Can I get through one sentence? I'm playing, I'm playing, I'm playing, I'm playing. I'm playing. You rolled your eyes and you looked at the heavens. Shut up. You're not going to hear another ad-lib from you for a month. No, I love the ad-libs. Please don't do that. For a month guys. Please don't do that. Please don't do that. I love the ad-libs. Please, I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it.

- Right, we've been a minute. So before we get into it, I wanted to try and re-up a rhyme time. - Ooh. - They haven't done a rhyme time in ages. - They haven't. - So I just wanted to do a quick run through, okay? Just see what everyone's saying. Alyssa, you in or you sitting this one out? - Sorry. - Sorry. - It's fine. We're gonna do a quick rhyme time. - Ooh, okay. - Yeah! - It's been a while. - All right, cool. I'm just gonna go off the jump, yeah? - Which way are you going? - This way. - Okay. - Cool.

I'm Jack Black. I knew you were going to say Jack Black. Really? I just knew you were going to say Jack Black. I do like Jack Black. How? I just had a feeling, bro. Have I said it before? Yeah, we've done that. I feel like we've done it before. I just had a feeling you were going to say Jack Black. Fair. All right, I'm Jack Black. Oh, fuck. I forgot how to play for a second. I'm Jack Black. I keep my waist thin. They call me Jack Snack. I'm Jack Black. Hopefully I stay in this game a couple rounds so I'm not Jack Whack. Yummy.

I'm not about to trip up on these words. I'm not Jack Slack. Fair play. I be teabagging bitches. Call me Jack Sack. I don't really dabble with the white folk, but they call it Jack Smack. Double on. I was double on. Wow. I'm Jack Black. Don't want to press for time with the episode, but you might go to Miami tomorrow. You still need to jack pack.

- During rhyme time, I'm in my comfort zone. I'm Jack Black. - You started low key cold with it, innit? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It stays cold. - Yeah, low key cold with it. - I'm Jack Black. Don't answer back. I don't want to hear anything. I don't take no Jack Flack. - I've got a rhyming word. I just haven't got a sentence. - I was gonna say, fam? - I'm out, yeah. - I'm glad you announced it 'cause I was gonna say, we're not charging anymore? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's all we're doing? - I'm out. - It's freestyle? - Yeah, I'm out. - All right, Bep. - Rem. - I'm Jack Black.

Still need to think of the next line. Hopefully I don't Jack Crack. I'm Jack Black. Feeling kind of peckish. I'm fancying a Jack Mac. Nah, don't fucking... Oh, I thought you were going to say snack. I was saying shake it away because I thought you were going to say snack. Jack Mac. Jack Big Mac. Jack Big Mac. Yeah, it kind of works. Kind of is the word. It's a grey area. Jack Black. I'm getting the hang of this. I've got the Jack Knack. I'm Jack Black. Still need to keep my bars straight so I'm going to stay on Jack Track.

- I've run out of words. - I'm in my little shelter, my little cabin. I got my Jack shack. - We're supposed to be playing COD tonight. Hope you don't have to bring out your Jack hacks. - Charge! - Yeah. - A fucking charge, yeah, yeah. - That's a DBCDEFG, you know? - GG's Reb, fair play. - GG's Reb, GG's Reb. - Well played. - Well played. - Yeah, man. - Very nice. - Yeah, man. - Okay, cool, right guys.

To start us off today, instead of question of the week, I have a thread. Okay. Okay. It's a nice little something something. Okay. I know we did a similar one last week, which was excuse for cheating. Wildest excuse for cheating or whatever it was called. This one is literally called when a cheater gets caught. Okay. So the actual thread said, what's the famous line a cheater says when they get caught? Okay. Okay.

- The famous line. - Famous line a cheater says when they get caught. - Okay. - First one, believe what you want in it. Straight with the gaslight. Believe what you want in it. Clearly believe in these hoes is more important than believing your man. - But believe what you want. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've picked your side, stay over there. - Facts. - Believe what you want. I don't need this kind of abuse. - I don't need this confrontation. Believe what you want. - Facts. I love you. And that's what matters to me. This one.

Famous line a cheater use when they get caught. You've invaded my privacy. - Wow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was, where she's like, who the fuck is this? And you're like, pardon? Did you just go through my phone? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

- That's my private space. - That is my space. - That's my space. And you'll just unlock, we're just unlocking stuff. - We're just unlocking stuff now. - Yeah, we're just unlocking stuff now. - All right, say less. - I bet. That's the relationship I signed up for apparently. Cool. The fact that you don't trust me means you're cheating as well. As well as this ownership and yeah. - Yeah, blame. Ownership and blame. - Ownership and blame. The fact that you don't even trust me enough says everything. Who is he? - Okay, okay. - All right. If I did it, I would just tell you.

- So stop asking me questions. - Stop asking silly questions. - If I did it, I would confess. - If I cheat on you, it means I don't want to be with you, which means I would just tell you. - Facts. - What don't you understand about that? - What aren't you getting, love? - Yeah. Why would you think that I'm going to go out of my way for a next ting whilst lying to you? - Facts. - I'll just tell you I don't want you. - Who does it benefit? - Yeah. - Who does it benefit?

Because if I'm fucking her, then clearly it means I want her, right? Facts, right? And if I'm here with you, clearly it means I want you, right? Right. So who's this conversation benefiting? What's this for? What's this really about? Matter of fact, give me your phone. Facts. Yeah, matter of fact. Matter of fact. Give me your fucking phone. Let me scroll through your ting. Yeah. Imagine shakes.

- No, no, no, stop. I believe you, I believe you. - I can't believe this. Stop. No, no, that will fall to my knees. The fucking, the video I sent you man the other day of my man moving mad for his sighting. - Moving mad for his sighting? I don't remember. - Where did he drop it? WhatsApp. - I dropped it on WhatsApp. This is very telling 'cause Jay's the only one that replied, funny enough. - Sorry bro. - Was it when I was away?

Does that matter? It doesn't matter. Is that your, is that? I'm asking a question. I don't know where you were, Fouad. When was it? Then I'll know where I was. It was a few days ago. I don't remember where you were. Was I away? I probably was away. I wasn't really focusing on the chat. Shut your mouth. I'm sorry. Jacob gave me sympathy laugh emojis. So he was the only one that replied? Yeah. Also, yeah, that answers your question. No, I'm sorry.

- I don't believe that for a second. - I didn't see it, honestly, 'cause I don't know what you're talking about. - I don't believe that. - Sorry, for a second. So all of you showed me the unopened chat if no one saw it. - No, no, no, but we must- - No, no, no, since we're doing this. - No, no, no, I've seen it, but no, no, I clicked on it. - Yeah, I didn't click on it. I've seen that you posted it. - So you opened it, saw I sent a video and just charged. - Until I see the video, I can't really answer. - This thing. - Yeah, this thing. - I definitely didn't watch it. - I saw that, I didn't watch it. - I didn't watch it. - All you man are ops. - When was this, Monday? - Yeah. - Was it, this was, show me the time, show me the time, Rem?

Here we go. - What time did you send it? - 8:51 PM. - 8:51. - Oh, this was post- - We'd done a full day of work. Everyone was at home. - We was at yard time. - Everyone was available. - We were chilling. - Yeah, I'm sorry. - I was in chill mode, sorry. - I'm sorry. - Sorry. - Yeah. - Whatever. What did you do to me the other day, this? - Yeah. - Hypocrite. - I did. - Yeah, you ignored me and yeah. - Yeah, hypocrite. - That's my bad, that's my bad. - All right, all right. - So this is a guy called Malik B, right? He, for a time, was on "The Fighter" and "The Kid."

Okay. As like a guest host. He was in there for a while when they were in between hosts. Okay. And he was in there for a while. I'm not going to lie to you, man. I wasn't a fan of when he was on there. Okay. He was on there with another. So it was Brendan, Malik, and another guy called Chappelle Lacey. I wasn't a fan of the dynamic of the three. Mm-hmm.

Malik, as you'll see here, very funny skit wise. I haven't seen his stand up. I know he does stand up. I'm sure he's hilarious. Okay. This shit, he pops up on TikTok a few times. Fucking hilarious.

Didn't like him as a podcast host. - Okay. - That's no shade. - Okay. - Just wasn't my flavor. - Okay. - And what made it worse is Chappelle and Brendan were clearly very close and they had lots of inside jokes that Malik wasn't necessarily privy to. And it was just a butters ensemble. - I see. - This John the other day made me laugh, you man. - Say less. - If it has to get taken out of the episode, I'll be vexed for copyright reasons, but give him in his props, in his TikTok bag, Malibu's fucking hilarious. - Say less. - All right, so yeah. - Say less. - Run it for me, please, Rem.

- I don't wanna do this no more. - Wait, what you mean you can't do this no more? - Telling somebody else that I'm trying to be faithful this time. - Oh, that's what it was. That's why you been dissing. You found out, okay, got yourself a little boo. Okay, cool. If that's what you wanna do, I mean, I hope you find happiness. All right, trust me, I'm gonna be all right. I ain't tripping. - Why are you on the ground? - I don't know what I'm doing right now. I don't feel like going for real. - Where the hell we gonna go? You made a reservation months ago. We've been waiting, come on. - That's got pain killers. - You don't even tell me you want me to eat. I can't do this.

Why are you acting like this? You got some shades on, like you don't want to be here. My eyes are system to the light right now. Like, why are you tripping? You didn't even prepare for this. Like, you ran into the division before what? You didn't shower. You came in here looking crazy. Like, do you want to be in the division? I'm depressed. Like, I got to go to the bathroom. I got to talk to you. I already told you. Like, I'm looking for a relationship. You only see me at night. No, but wait, wait, wait. I already told you. You only see me at night. It's crazy. I can't be patient with you anymore. Somebody else is already applying pressure. God, don't do this. Applying pressure. Am I still your favorite eater?

That's fucked

- Is this the same breader, he's got another skit I believe, of he goes to a party and he's vibing with a thing that he used to deal with back a day. And they're vibing, vibing, vibing, the night goes on, goes on, and he goes back home to his girl and he's just unhappy.

- Maybe. I think he's got a few of these joints. - I saw that. I think it's that one. 197.4K. One down, down, down. Right, one right. That one. - I'm going to see your old ting at a function. - That's the old ting. This is the one I see. - Whatever. You don't even fuck with me no more. - Oh, here you go. You don't even fuck with me no more.

- I can't touch you now is the fucking bar.

I deserve you for real. Oh my God, you just be talking. I swear to God, I manifested this. I put you on my 2024 vision board and look, here you are though. You just be lying. You did not do that. I'm not lying, bro. When I go to sleep, I wake up in cold sweat knowing you're not laid up next to me. For real. You are so dramatic. Look, where you park at? Let's go to your car. Pull up like old times. Oh, this is making me sick. You got family staying with me. You always got family staying with you. They won't leave. Let me just go to your spot.

This guy's a dog. Oh.

- You cook? I should have been home with my family. That's the one I got circled on other socials. Yeah, I saw that. - This guy's a bastard. - The headlock is jokes. - Oh God. That looks actually funny. You don't be, "Well, I can't touch you no more." - Yeah, the rock back and forth is so real. Yeah, just laughing at old times. - Old times? - My family won't leave. Family equals my wife and kids.

- That's jokes. Oh, these skits. Oh, jokes. - Bro, that's too funny. - That's jokes. All right, cool, cool. - All right, Bet. So where was I? Fucking hell. - Oh, I fucking forgot you were doing that. - Right, so the famous line a cheater says when he gets caught, yeah? Or when they get caught. Let me know. Let me know. - When they get caught. - Yeah, we just did, if I was doing that, I would just tell you. - Yeah. - Next one. I wasn't cheating. I was just practicing for you. That's just disgusting. I told you I was no good.

- I told you I was toxic. - And that's on God. - I told you from jump. - I warned you. - I've been saying it's in my bio. - You're not gonna make it. - It's in my bio, red flags are in my bio. - In my bio. - You still wanted me. You still wanted me. - You saw before you could change man and now you wanna place blame. - I swear you can't turn a hoe into a housewife. - Yeah bro, I'm a hoe. - I'm a hoe. There you go. - Yeah, why you trying to domesticate man?

You don't make me feel wanted. That's every girl that's ever been caught of all time. You don't make me feel wanted. Okay. Okay. If you made me feel like you wanted to be here, do you think I'll be out in these streets? You didn't make me feel wanted. Just give me a better excuse. Yeah. Give me a better excuse. You're the only one I love. Boring. Boring. I was drunk and I was missing you.

So you loved up on someone else? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I fell into that puss. Oh, God. I was fucking missing you. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. I needed a sign. I needed distraction. Because I was going to do something, babe. I was going to do something to myself. So this was the best alternative. I'd rather do something to someone else than to myself. Yeah, yeah. I needed you. You weren't there. Fuck. Maffa, where were you? Fuck. Yeah. It wasn't Connecticut. Now who's to blame? Wow. Babe, I was wingmanning.

- Cool. - Wingmanning. - Cool. - I've wingman to the point of no return before. - I can't remember the... - I've never done something on a wingman. - Wingman, I mean back a day I'm sure I've wingman for you, but I don't think I've wingman and like done something. I think I've just like entertained that conversation, blah, blah, blah, you know? - I've bottled two wingman for him. And that's why he says it hasn't blinked. I've bought it twice for him.

But it's not my fault. It is your fault. The scenarios were just not... The first one was out of order. The first one was bang out of order. Bro, the first one was like... You just had to hold it down and you just didn't. Yeah, the first one I was lunged at again. I think that's the one I remember. That's the one you remember. Okay, okay, yeah. From someone I couldn't find attraction with. Yeah, yeah. That's the one I remember. We were so incompatible. Incompatible? Yeah, nah. Polar opposites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sobered up.

Let's just say I was wearing her hoodie. That's how you know what it was. I was wearing her hoodie. - I can't comment. - But I was wearing her hoodie like a yacht. She lurched at man and I was like, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. - Was your ting fire?

- She was all right. - She was decent to be fair. - I was this. - They were in the boudoir. - I was in bed. - Oh, it didn't pattern? - Nope. - Yeah, he was in bed. I remember seeing like, you know, like Tom and Jerry style with the covers all up. I heard Bear giggling. - Oh! - Red! - Oh! - Came in there. Red, we're going! - Imagine. - Red! - Oh! - I'm sorry bro, get shit. We're going bro, we're going, we're going.

- Don't look at me like that. This is first year of uni by the way. - Yeah, first year of uni. - I didn't know about wingmanning like that. I didn't know. First of all, I didn't know what your responsibility really was back then. I was too young to know. But I told him, get your shit, we're going. - All right, all right, all right. - We left. - All right.

- He can fix that, 'cause you wouldn't have even made it back to the yard. - Oh, definitely not. Definitely not. - At least I tried. - Definitely not. Definitely not. - You would have made out a club with her. - Definitely not. I've never met this Jordan, and definitely not. From what you've described, definitely not.

Oh God. Right. Thread done. Welcome back guys. Thank you very much for being here. Love you as always. If you enjoy these episodes, if that's an if you might be here thinking, bro, I don't even like these man, but I just need to do something while I'm hoovering. I need something on to help me sleep. Yeah. Fair enough. Hold my hands up. Fair enough. We're your guys. We're your guys, bro. But if you do like it and you want a little bit more, pause, head on over to patreon.com forward slash shits and gigs and

It costs literally hardly anything. It's just three pound a month. 10p a day. Run the P to S and G and then you can digest four years worth of bonus content now. Four years worth of bonus content that we got on there. Plus an extra bonus episode from our brand new show, The Log Cabin, that we post on there every Saturday. So there's heaps and heaps and heaps of content over on Patreon. If you don't want to do that, you just want to stick to YouTube, please at least subscribe to the channel. That would be nice.

Hey, that would be nice. If you're listening on audio, please leave us a nice review. That actually means the world to us. That actually does a lot for the algo. It lets the man them upstairs know, hey, these guys are all right. These guys get a pass.

But yeah, anyway, that's the introduction for today. Without any further ado, let's get back to the game that we love to play called Back to School. Who won last week? Rem by a landslide. Rem did win by a landslide last week. Yeah, well played. So it's 5-2-1? 5-2-1. 5-2-1. Okay, cool. Let's do it then. Right, guys. Back to School. You guys already know how to play. If you don't know, then you'll find out today. Right. Question number one.

Everyone got their boards? Yep. See if you can find the pronouns in the following sentence. These things. Yep. How late was it when you left the concert? See if you can find the pronouns in the following sentence. How late was it when you left the concert? Cool. Question number two. Simona buys a dress in the sales at 60% less than marked price of £38.50. How much does she pay for it?

Simona buys a dress in the sales in the sales at 60% less than the marked price of 38 pound 50 How much does she pay for it question number three spell amphibian spell amphibian? Next question. What is the capital of China? Yeah, you sure? Don't you dare I'm not sure. I'm actually not sure question number five

Which of the following metals is a liquid at room temperature? Lithium, magnesium, mercury or sodium. Which of the following metals is liquid at room temperature? Lithium, magnesium, mercury, sodium. Question number one. See if you can find the pronoun or pronouns in the following sentence. How late was it when you left the concert? This is a maximum of two points.

- I got it wrong then. - The answers are it and you. - You got both? - Yeah. - GG. - Well played. - I felt a bit unsure about it, but. - Well played. I got you, but it's his reading. He went straight through at that time. I didn't even hear it. - You got one point, man. - Question two.

- "Simona buys a dress in sales at 60% less than Mark's price of £38.50. How much does she pay for it?" The answer is £23 to 10 pence. - I don't think any of us got it. - So it's 60% off. - 1540. We all wrote 1540. - I didn't write 1540, but you did. You did. - I wrote 1540. - I wrote 1540. - It should be 60% less of 38. How do you do the maths on the answer that you have there?

I just did 50% off the 850 and then 10% and added the two together. So you worked this out or is this the answer they gave? The answer they gave was 2310. Because I didn't work this out. Maybe the question was worded wrong. It's definitely worded wrong. It's definitely worded wrong. So I will give the 1540 then. Okay. Gang. I will give the 1540. Good spots. The next one was spelling, if I'm not mistaken. Yes. Spell amphibian. Wait. So you guys just did. How did you work it out, by the way?

I did about 50% is 10% minus done. I did my 10%. Just 10, 10, 10, 10. Well, 10 times four or six, six, six rather. And then how did you work out? Yeah, I did 50 in the 10 and then minus. I couldn't work out the 10. So I got it wrong.

- I can work out the 50, I couldn't get the 10. - I see, cool. Spell amphibian. A-M, M for mother, P-H-I-B-I-A-N for November. Next question is, what is the capital city of China? It is Beijing. And the last question is, which of the following metals is liquid at room temperature? The answer is mercury. What are the scores? - Rem got four out of six. - James got five out of six.

- And it's got three out of six. - So you've six points now? Let's go. Which one did you get wrong or which one you got five out of six? - I missed the it. - Ah. - I fucked up. - My pronouns are not pronouning. - Cool, okay, cool. I've got a dilemma for us, all right? - Yeah, me. - These ones are getting stupid now. - Okay. - But they're funny, all right? - All right. - So same again, favorite ghost writers. Greetings from the big easy, New Orleans. I tracked my wife's phone because she's been acting shady and slipping out at night after I've gone to bed.

I followed my... What? That can never run, by the way. Of course. After I've gone to bed. After I've gone to bed, you're leaving the yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleeping out in the middle of the night after I've gone to sleep. Nah. First of all, the confidence is crazy. What makes you think I just won't wake up to go to the toilet? Yeah, yeah, bro. And not see you in the yard? Yeah, literally. Anyway, sorry, man. I followed my wife and her bestie. The women were both dressed in black and dragging a white man into an alley.

What? My wife straddled him and was kissing his neck. I called her name and my wife hissed at me. I thought my wife hissed at me. Her friend and the guy who was bleeding from his neck argued that I ruined their fantasy. My wife and her friend are members of an underground vampire sex club. This can't be reality. Potions is good.

My wife is an elementary school teacher and she never invited me to be a part of this. I've lost trust in our marriage. My wife says she lost trust in me because I tracked her phone. Who's wrong? - Fucking hell. My wife hissed at me. - Yeah, yeah. Donnie's over beating her like, "Bro!" - You're fucking up the base, bro. You're fucking up the whole base, bro. Can't you see blood dripping from my neck?

It's a fantasy. I'm locked in, big man. I'm locked in, bro. We're doing it on Twilight and you're here shouting names. Yeah. He said this prayer, man. That's jokes. She's trying to turn, man. Who's in the wrong? Jesus, girl. You're both equally in the wrong, but fuck me, bro. She never invited me to be a part of this. Oh, my days. But why not, though? Fact.

Why not? I want to play vampire. Why not? Even if I don't want to play vampire, let me know when you're on. This is a paid advertisement for better help. Bro. Talk to me. Real quick, ask me what my self-care non-negotiables are. What? Grounding.

Wim Hof breath work. Yeah. Eight hour sleep. Non-negotiables. Those are three perfect non-negotiables. And I'm proud of you. Thank you very much. I'm very, very proud of you. It's like when people say never skip leg day, but it's never skip therapy day. We all know how easy it is for our schedules to become overwhelmed with social gatherings and other obligations that leave us struggling to make time for the things that fill our own cups. 100%. It's like when your schedule is packed with big work projects and more.

It's easy to let your priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it can be hard to make time for it.

But guys, when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. Agreed. And therapy has broader benefits like, for example, learning how to set boundaries in your life so that you feel empowered to be the best version of yourself. Exactly that. With almost 5,000 therapists in the UK already, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a wide variety of expertise. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp.

Betterhelp.com slash gigs pod today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash gigs pod. Let me know the stuff you're on. I might be enticed. There's certain stuff though that like, it's not cool if your husband's accepting of this.

- 'Cause if you're biting man in an alleyway dressed in black. - Understandable. - You don't wanna be like, this is what I'm into. And your husband be like, gang, that's kinda cool, that's fair. You're just like. - It ruins everything. - Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm a creature of the night.

I can't have consent. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do it when I please. - I'm a murderer because I can't control the thirst. - Yeah, it's different. When people are giving you the keys to the sea, it's different. It's different, yeah. - I can't have you say this is okay. - Yeah, yeah, it's not. - I'm a murderer. - Yeah, it's not okay. - I drink blood. - It's not okay. Jesus Christ. - That's insane. That's your fucking, the whole bass. - The whole bass, bro. Those jokes. - Oh, baby, that's funny, bro. - Them...

Writings or whatever Yeah Paragraphs Bro it's too funny I don't know what I would do If I caught my wife doing that Drinking blood They were dragging A white male into the alleyway And my wife straddled him Yeah I don't think it would get To the blood bit Before I interject No I'll scream her name I'll scream her name And if her response is a hiss A hiss I'm petrified Yeah yeah yeah I'm

- I would freeze bro. - I wonder what to do. - Yeah, my brain, 'cause I'm waiting for my brain to catch up. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because it didn't hear what I thought it would. - Facts. - It didn't hear what I thought it would. Wow. Oh, I need some nootropics. My brain's not working bro. It's not working. - Fried. - But yeah, full disclosure.

This is a safe space, isn't it? Of course. When I was younger, you man, I was into vampires. In terms of like, they will turn you on? No, no. I don't know, bro. First of all, Buffy was a baddie. That's what I thought you were going to say. That's what I thought. They turn you on like what? Buffy's a vampire slayer. And her alter vampire was a bitch called Faith. I think it was Faith. Yeah, Faith. One brunette, John. Leng.

Lenga and Buffy. Anyway, I used to just, bro, when I say I used to watch vampire shit when I was a kid, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What, Charmed? Charmed's Witches, my bro. Oh, it's Witches. Sorry, yeah, yeah. Come on. It's true, it's true. It's not bad, all right. Jesus. You got a vampire fantasy. Corrin, fucking crack on. Tell me then. I didn't have these fantasies. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I misplaced a vampire with a witch. It's fine. Dream your dream. So, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Interview with a vampire Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise movie Fucking movie I've not seen it Oh it's good Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise Yeah bro It's a collab Early Brad Pitt as well Yeah classic I'm assuming Classic Okay It's from what 98 Ooh I'm gonna guess Yeah if I'm right with this I'm gonna be so gassed 1994

- Yeah, damn. Kirsten Dunst, Brad Pitt, yeah, Christian Slater, Antonio Banderas is in there. - Oh, bro. Dandy Newton, okay, Bear Man in there, say less. - Yeah, bro. But when I say these men are in their vampire bag. - Yeah. - Bro, there's Tom Cruise, James. - Bro. - Tom Cruise plays a character called Lestat. When I say this man loves blood and murder, it's like he was never human. - Okay.

Bro, he loves it. And he's bored. He's been dossing around by his ones for centuries. Okay.

Links up with Brad Pitt and Brad's like, Brad's lost his wife to the plague and he's on a suicide tip. He's like, I don't, he, when I say he's rich and he doesn't care anymore, so he spends all his days just getting drunk and waiting for death. Okay. He just wants to drink himself to death. He's so depressed, bro. Okay. He lost, I think he lost his daughter as well. He lost his daughter and his wife to the plague and man's just...

- He's just bopping through like fuck all of this. He's got hookers slopping him off. He can't even get hard bro. He's just like, this is, I just want it over. I just want it over. - That's depression. - Yeah bro, I want it over. So he tries to kill himself bare times bro. He can't kill himself. Tom Cruise bops in like, bro, if you want to die so bad, yeah. You want to die? Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, give me that. Give me that soft. Yeah.

Nanks his jugular. - Yeah. - And then Brad's like, "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He gives it to him at the inch of death, he's like, "Stop, stop, stop." Turns out, I love life. This is too much. - Yeah. - So Tom Cruise dashes at him and says, "Fucking thought so." So because he's draped all his blood, he's on death's door. So Tom Cruise comes to link him in the night and said, "Big man, you're gonna die, you know? Or now that you've got a new lease for life, I can give you immortality, my guy. What are you saying?"

I'm too cold and I'm too scared Run it immediately Drink that, drinks it Vampire So now they're both on their vampire jaunt But Brad Pitt is too human still

So this murdering shit, he's not on it. So he's killing animals. He's drinking blood chickens and rats. Tom Cruise is like, you're such a pussy, you old big man. Stop. If you want blood. Yeah. If you want real blood. We're supposed to be doing up road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're supposed to be doing vampire shit. I've been bored for 200 years. Finally, I've got a boy and we're supposed to be running crazy and you're here drapes in yats. I mean, rats, bro. Rats, yeah. You're sucking off rats, bro. Like, it's embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got,

Tings Yeah yeah And when I say Tom Cruise loves tings Bro He loves tings But in terms of banging Instead of banging him He just kills him I see But he loves it That Indra Ovi At the end Yes Nanks a T

Bites her titty in one scene Jesus Bro And she just thinks it's sexy She thinks it's sexy She thinks this guy loves me Yeah yeah yeah yeah Biting my titty Anyway So yeah they go through all of this And it's just Bro it goes off the span of like a few hundred years Okay It's good Okay say that It's good Bro say that It's good And then they turn Kirsten Dunst is like 10 years old in this And then because Brad Pitt When he was

alive, lost his daughter. Tom Cruise says, "Say less." Turns Kirsten Dunst into a vampire. So Brad Pitt's got a daughter. She's a little killer. - Oh, sick. - She's a little killer. - Sick. - She tricks innocent old ladies. She pretends to be lost in the street all the time at night. "Oh God, I'm so scared. Where's my mommy?" So all these ladies are, "Oh my God, are you okay?" Done. - Raw. - Yeah. But she loses it as well. 'Cause then she, he needed a daughter. So she got turned into a fucking daughter. She needs a mom.

So she's like, where's my mum? Run me a mum now. It's nuts. It all goes nuts. Fair play. It's a movie, you man. Okay, fair play. It's a fucking movie, bro. Love that movie. Yeah, what were you saying? You said you were in your vampire bag. So, yeah. Because I'm watching shit like this at a young age and watching Buffy the Vampire, I was just like, bro, vampires are cool as shit, my guy. They're just cool, bro. And then even...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, bro. Buffy, her job is to kill vampires and then she falls in love with Angel who's a vampire, bro, because he's just too Leng. He's just that guy. She can't resist. I was like, bro, vampires are sick, my guy. And then you had Twilight. I was a bit old for Twilight, but...

30 Days of Night, another banging vampire movie. Blade, I watched when I was fucking like seven. Too young. Yeah, way too young. Blade, I loved. So yeah, my dad just let me watch all the shit. Van Helsing, Bram Stoker's Dracula. Bro,

Queen of the Damned, bro, I've seen all these movies, bro. So when I say I was in my vampire element. Is that Ethan Hawke? Ethan Hawke in Daybreakers as well. It's a pretty shit vampire movie. But yeah, again, I've seen that. Nosferatu, my guy, bro. All these things. So all I thought back in the day was from dusk till dawn, there's sex in that movie. There's murder and sex in that movie. Okay.

That's all I was seeing bro. I was like when I was young as well. - Jesus. - So all I'm seeing is vampires are just Donnie's who live forever and get pussy and they're just laying and they're super strong and super fast. And the only problem is, is that just don't like vitamin D. So I was like, it's just sick. Being a vampire will just be sick. Did I hiss at man? Nah.

- I forgot we were relating this back to the ting. - If I carry this obsession into my twenties. - You would be into that man. Okay, say less. Say less. Okay, I'm with you. I'm with you. That's jokes. - Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Jesus Christ. Throwback. Should we do, "Who Am I?" - Yes. - Yeah, man.

- I like when I'm involved in games. - I bet you do. And sometimes I do feel bad when you're the games master. - Yeah. - The games again, no pun. - Right. Okay, cool. This one again, a little bit different. I've done it slightly differently this time. It's just like a guy saying about his day, right? It's just a normal guy telling about his day. And then it's up to you guys to pick up the clues to- - You're saying the whole thing

There's no chapters, right? There's no chapters. I'm going to go through the whole thing. It's up to you guys to figure out who I am, okay? Cool. Right. I've just started a new job and so far it's gone pretty well. It was my mom who found the ad for me and I need to make sure I thank her later when I get home because this really, really is the best job I could have asked for.

All the staff are super friendly and my supervisors take care of me whenever I have questions or problems. I turn to them a lot for help because there's literally nothing here that's the same as my old place and I get confused so easily. My only issue is that this place is so big and so new that I often get lost and make it to the cafeteria too late to get anything nice for lunch.

which pisses me off because my favorite thing to do at the minute is grab a sandwich, head up to the roof and eat my lunch up there because the view is amazing here. I suppose I should try and I suppose I should hurry up and tell you what it is I actually do here for work. We're a health and longevity center and what that means is we create care packages for the elderly filled with all the things that will give them the best chance at long healthy life. It sounds a bit weird but let me tell you what's inside.

hydrogen water, maple extract, scorpion tails, eagle's talons and all species of dog hair. I was so confused when they told me but I tried it on the first day and I'd honestly never felt better. The girl I started with refused to try it and it was literally her loss because we're the same age and I swear I already look 10 years younger than her.

Anyway, they've just certified me as a full-time worker. I fucking love it here. And I can't wait to tell my mom her boy is making something of himself. So this one... It's fictional, obviously. It's fictional, but this one is a treasure hunt. So as past as before, you've been trying to figure out the character I am based on my experiences and my explanation of all this kind of stuff. This one...

is a rogue transcript and there's clues within to figure out who I am. - That's what I was trying to gauge. You're gonna have to read it again though. - Oh, I will. If I was to guess that anyone would get this right, it would be you and then Rem. And then I'll be surprised if you get it. There's no reason why you can't get it. - Okay. - Would you like a clue to help you out? - If everyone else is happy, I'm gonna need it, yeah. - All right, first clue is this is not a fictional character.

This is a real person. - Wow. - Okay. - Right, I'm gonna go through this again. Listen out. And this time, whoever knows it first, you can just shout out at any time if you figure it out, right? Do you want me to emphasize the clues or just go through it? - No, just read it bro. - Just go through it. - All right. - Read it however you would like to read it rather. - All right. I've just started a new job and so far it's gone pretty well. It was my mum who found the ad for me and I need to make sure to thank her later

I think I know who it is. Go on. Is it Drake? It is Drake!

I had a feeling the last time when you said her loss, I was thinking you emphasized her loss. And then I was thinking nothing else makes sense though. But now you saying, you said take care. You said nothing was the same or something like that. - So this is Drake's discography in the text. So I'll go for it. I've just started a new job here and so far it's gone pretty well. So far gone. It was my mom who found the ad and I need to make sure to thank her later. Thank me later.

All staff is super friendly and the supervisors take care of me. Third album, take care. And when I have a question on problems, I turn to them a lot because there's literally nothing here. That's the same. Nothing was the same. Um, as my old place, I get confused so easily. My only issue is that this place is so big, so new that I get lost and I make it to the cafeteria too late. Uh, what was the too late? Oh, if you're reading this, it's too late. Yeah. Too late. Um,

Make it to the cafeteria too late and can't get anything nice for lunch. Piss me off because I like to go up to the roof and eat my lunch because the views are amazing here. I suppose I should hurry up and tell you what it's actually do. We're a health and longevity clinic. It means we create care packages for the elderly filled with all things give the best chance of healthy life. It was a...

A bit weird, but let me take it aside. Hydrogen water, maple extract. I threw the maple in there to help the Canada reference. Scorpion Tales album, Scorpion, Eagles, Talions, and all speeches of dog hair for all the dogs. I was confused when they told me, but I tried it on my first day and I'd honestly never felt better. Honestly, nevermind.

The girl I started with refused to try it and it's her loss because of the same age. Anyway, they've just certified me. I fucking love it here. And my boys, need to tell my mom her boys made something up. - Certified lover boy, yeah. Cool, yeah man, yeah man. I got it the third time round. - All right, but I did think when I was doing it, I thought, again, this is gonna be one of them ones where like, if I emphasize it throughout, I didn't wanna get through the first thing and be like, I know who it is. - Yeah, makes sense.

So I'm happy you didn't emphasize it. It was thought- That was very well written again, bro. Yeah, very well written, dude. Very well written. Yeah, I'm happy I got the dub though. Fuck. I'll tell you that for free. I'm happy I got the dub. Rem, can we do a trash news piece? I was given 10 million...

I was given a 10 million lottery ticket as a waitress tip but it ended up ruining my life oh wow Tonda Dickerson was a divorced waitress in her late 20s when she was given a lottery ticket worth 10 million in 1999 but it has since been marred by lawsuits and a shooting

and attempted kidnapping jesus a woman who was tipped 10 million lottery ticket as a waitress says it's ruined her life leading to lawsuits a shooting and an attempted kidnapping tonda dickerson was given the ticket whilst working at a waffle house in alabama 1999 but when she won her life changed for the worse not better edward seward a customer at the restaurant gave tonda the lottery ticket as a tip six days later tonda discovered she had won a whooping 10 million jackpot jackpot

But after quitting her job and choosing to take the 375k per year over 30 years, her former colleagues wanted a piece of her winnings, accusing her of breaking a promise to split any winnings from the ticket. This led to court battles and even shootings.

She was taken to Alabama court and Alabama court when she was sued for millions by four waitresses at Waffle House. And in just 45 minutes, the court had ruled against her, according to local news website, all.com. She had been testified against by a couple at the restaurant who said Tonda had told them about the deal she had brokered. Tonda rejected an offer from the court to keep 3 million and stated putting the cash into a family business she had set up. Things looked up in

Things looked up when in 2000 the Alabama Supreme Court overturned the initial decision on the basis that the deal made between the waitresses was a form of illegal gambling. But Tonda's woes were far from over. Seward, the gifter of the ticket, returned. He argued Tonda had promised him a new truck if she won the lottery, which her lawyers argued was simply a throwaway comment. Seward's claim was rejected, but only days later things took a dark turn.

I don't know. This thing just kept getting worse and worse and it's actually quite hard to believe. Tonda's ex-husband, Stacy Martin, kidnapped her and took her to a boat jetty in Jackson County, North Alabama. With a .22 caliber handgun, Martin did not allow Tonda to contact anyone, but a quick thinking Tonda managed to grab hold of his gun and shoot Martin through the chest. He was rushed to hospital. Bizarrely, Martin did not face any charges for the incident. What is this?

Tonda was asked to pay $1 million in gift taxes on top of her income tax. In 2012 it was ruled that she had to pay taxes on her jackpot, but they allowed her not to pay the full amount.

She was asked instead to give a percentage of the gift portion, Forbes reported. Ultimately, she was able to keep the bulk of her winnings. Tonda passed much of it on to her family, but according to AL.com, went back into work. In 2021, her social media profiles appear to show her working at Gold Nugget Casino as a poker dealer in Biloxi, Mississippi. That's insane, bro. So,

- Even if I've won, if say someone's given me the ticket, right? And I've won this draw, I could say the most in the restaurant, "Ah, if I win, I'll give you this." That's non-binding, my guy. - Bro, I say what I want. - I say what I want when I feel like it. You can't take me to court and say, "Ah, because I've now won 10 M's, I owe you an M because you said so." - Yeah, that's like me saying, "I'm playing the lottery tonight, if I win, every man's getting a yacht."

And then I went in and you man going, "Big man, we will go to court. Run me my yacht." - It's like, what? - Shut the fuck up. - I lied. - Shut the fuck up. - That's all you need to shut the fuck up. I was obviously saying stuff. - Yeah. - What are we talking about, bro?

- Ex-husband. - Yeah. Ex-husband pulled her up with a 22. - 22, sick. - Run me some or you're not living. - Yeah. - And she managed to get the gun and shot him instead. - Somehow. - Jeez, man. - And he faced nothing. - He didn't face nothing for this. - And he faced no charges for that. - The courts were not on her side in this, innit? - At all, bro. - So what was it? I missed it a little bit where the thing with the waitresses took her to court. So the waitresses, what happened?

- The waitress took her to court because she said she had told other customers that, "Oh, if I win, I'm gonna split my winnings with other waitresses." And I think those two people then went to court to testify that, "Oh, yeah, she did say this." Which is also bollocks, bro. - It is also bollocks, but also why is she running around with this one ticket saying, "If I win this and if I win that." She never played the lottery before.

- What the hell, man? - You're not taking me to court, big man. I've got the fucking ticket, I've won, leave me alone. And it is also, you know when they say like, oh, what was it? What's that old saying they used to say? Like possession is nine-tenths or eight-tenths of the law, nine-tenths of the law? Yeah, possession is nine-tenths of the law. The adage is not literally true, but by law, the person in possession of the presumed to have nine-tenths stronger claim than anyone else. Yeah, so it's like one of those weird ones where it's like, this is exactly it.

finders keepers is it isn't it in the fact that like in this lottery scenario she's won but it's only because it's in her hand when she's got she's won that it's hers lottery is like one of those really weird fickle things obviously now a lot of it's done online which helps but like

Whoever's holding this ticket at this time is the winner. That's crazy because she didn't even buy it. Yeah. So technically only the Donnie could like sue her or whatever. Yeah, the Donnie bought the ticket. Yeah, the Donnie bought the ticket. But then yeah, in front of the Lord and everyone, he gave it up. Yeah. That's his business. But yeah, that's horrible, bro. That's why I would rather in these situations, this is literally one of the ones where like, you know, when you win,

And you sometimes, yeah, you can keep yourself anonymous. And they're like, if you keep yourself anonymous, you're only getting like 80% of it or whatever like that. I'd say charge, take it. Take it. I didn't even know that was the case. I didn't know that either. I don't know if it's the case on all of it. I don't even know if it's the case in the UK, but I've definitely heard before that when you get, when you win the lottery, if you're in the jackpot, obviously for media purposes, they'll say to you, yeah,

you've won, do you want to go public with it and get the full amount or do you want to stay anonymous? But if you stay anonymous, you lose like a certain percentage of the money. - I never knew that. - I would take that L. - I would take that L. - I'll take the L. - Depends on how much, you said 80%. - I'm making that number up, but I'm pretty sure, we can do it if you want. I'm pretty sure, "Winners can remain anonymous for a state "in which only 11 states allow lawyers to remain anonymous. "Camelot, who manages the electoral authority,

give you the right publicizing when you're begging unless especially if you're on the track well maybe not it's not uncommon when it's to experience a breakdown okay cool maybe I'm making this up then I also didn't know that in America you have to pay tax for lottery whereas I'm sure the UK is tax free is it not tax free pretty sure it's tax free I'm sure it's tax free yeah

- Yeah, that's crazy. - All right, cool. Charged? - Charged. - All right guys, well thank you for that. Good episode. As always, we love you, we miss you, we want you, we need you to head over to patreon.com/shitsandgigs, donate a little, three pound amount, run the pizza at S&G and enjoy lots and lots and lots of content. Love, love, love. - Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend.

We put together a morning show that we call The Burt Show because we didn't like morning shows. We keep it real, we keep it fun, and it's going to be very different than anything that you have heard before.

What I love most about this show is everybody's vulnerability. Whether it's dating, relationships, family issues, or what's going viral right now, we talk about any and everything. We also like to talk about celebs and keep you up to date on what's going down in Hollywood with the entertainment buzz. Listen and subscribe to The Burt Show podcast free wherever you get your favorite podcast. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.