Season 7: Best Of
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all Lume products with our exclusive code and link. Use code bunnyxo at lumedeodorant.com. That's L-U-M-E-D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T.com. You guys already know I'm a Lume girl. I have to have it, especially when we're on tour, high paced shows, back to back, running around, armpits, sweating,

butthole marinating, just piddle juice pouring from all the holes. You guys already know that Lume is my go-to. Lume's starter pack is perfection for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping. Again, as a special offer for listeners, new customers get 15% off all

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I want to know why in the hell are you not on Patreon? I don't think you guys even realize how much content we have on Patreon. Let me break it down for you. We have the Bunny XO show. We have Meet the D-Fords. We have propaganda. We have more shows that we're adding. And not to mention, we have the visuals of this.

the podcast. Not only that, we have four tiers that caters to everybody's budget and everybody gets the podcast. There's no more excuses. Head over to www.patreon.com backslash dumb blonde podcast and sign up. Stop missing out. We have built a huge community over there, guys. I'm talking about hundreds of thousands of people over there. We even have

Live chats, live chats that I actually am talking in every single night. Last but not least, we give away gifts every freaking month. I'm talking like signed stuff from Jay and I, lives. You just never know what kind of surprise you're gonna get. It's like a Cracker Jack box. I love the community that we've built over there at Patreon. If you are already a Patreon member,

I freaking love you, dude. Thank you so much. You guys are my babies for life, my writers. If I could, I would literally make out with each and every one of you. I love you guys so much. And that's a lot of kisses, actually. Gotta go back. Is this thing on? Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker, now hosts the podcast, Dunblanc. Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and shit. And I was like, I want to be super hot, make a lot of fucking money, and be a rock star's wife. That was my goal as a child. And...

Here we are. One, two, three. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I literally just lost it. I started crying on the phone. I was so mad. There were so many fucking emotions. And, you know, of course, the first thing I want to do is be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I can continue being the shitty human I am, doing all the things I'm doing and doing drugs and lying and hurting people and hurting myself. I was sitting alone with the person who tried to kill me.

And that's like a really like dark paradox to be stuck in until you can finally like get out of it. So it's like it was just it was just me. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, I don't know what I'm sitting in the room that I tried to kill myself in with just the person who tried to kill me. Yeah. Like I have to like I was just ready. Finally hit the fork in the road.

the road. So that night I sent Bailey to her room and she took a bunch of pills that I did not know she had. The next day she came down and she's like, mom, I got to tell you something. And I was like, what's up? And she's like, I tried to kill myself. I said, say that again. She said, I tried to kill myself. And I said, well, how did you do it? She took, you know, the pills and I just looked at her and I said, Bailey, we have to treat this as a cry for help. But it just crushed me because I was just like, she was just upstairs. Like, what if she had really gone through with it? You know, like, like what if I took that bottle of pills and didn't throw up?

This is a 911 help and we need to do something. And it was the hardest decision I think Jay and I have ever had to make together as a couple. My parents had put me in a mental hospital when I was a teenager, when I was 14. And I know what happened to me in that mental hospital. And I just know that Bailey's issues run deeper than a medication and being in a fucking straight jacket. This is trauma. This is hurt. This is pain. She needs somewhere to go that she knows

no nothing can get to her nothing can bother her this is not something that you throw a pill at this is something that this is you need to rip the band-aid open and you've got to really start healing and i'm 14 this is my mother who i really trust and who i've built a really good relationship with at this point her mom actually provided her with the weed a lot yeah also had you doing what else had me drinking a lot at this point so yeah we start drinking together everything's

And I'm like, okay, like this isn't whatever. You're just cool, mom. You let me drink it. Let me smoke weed. Like this is cool. It was 4th of July. We had left my Mimi's.

for her big fourth of July thing that she does every year. He's like, hey, we're gonna make a stop. We gotta stop, Felicia. What are we doing? And I was so drunk. The kind of drunk where I just don't even like, I can't even feel what's around me. So I'm just like, okay, whatever. Let's just stop somewhere. She's like, yeah, we're stopping by my dealer. And I was like, that's a bomb to drop. What? We're stopping by your dealer? What do you mean your fucking dealer? That's when she told me, she's like, yeah, I've been doing cocaine again, but it's recreational. What the fuck? And I remember freaking out. And then she like talked me down and she's like, it's okay. Like, and I'm like,

Okay, whatever mom. It was getting really bad to like where your mom wasn't able to like take you to school God the house was horrendous. Yeah, it was like nightmares like I still to this day. It was bad I remember the first time your daddy took me there that you had to have been like what seven years old about seven Yeah, your daddy took me there and my first memory of Bailey is her cooking dinner for her Little two cousins who I was literally raising and

Yeah. Like literally raising these two children. So you got to imagine Bailey's, you know, six, seven years old and she's momming these two younger cousins and this house was completely trashed. Bailey had no bed. She was sleeping in a chair. The neglect in the house was just

horrific it was really bad honestly outrageous yeah like no kids deserve to to go with what through what they went through having two addicts you know as parents so yeah that's how bad their addiction was getting and that's what i'm trying to paint the picture it wasn't like they were just popping a pill here and there like it was like it was

Yeah. God, it was terrible. How are Phil and April doing? How's your relationship with them? I just realized that right now it's just a good time to just back off. And they were a part of the whole treatment thing. Like I got a guardian just like Britney Spears. And her only answer to everything was lock me up and throw away the key, put them in treatment, put them in treatment. And I knew that that was not the way. You feel like April and Phil had something to do with it. Was it a conservatorship thing?

that you had? - They all teamed up on me and said that he needs to go away for a long, long time. - It's gotta be so hurtful that the people that are supposed to love you the most seem to be so against you. - You know, what hurts the most is that my Aunt Missy, my mom, they were all in on it, hiding in a hotel, and then all of a sudden the police show up. I'm like, "Are you in on this?" My mom's like, "Bam, I have no idea. "I have no idea about it." Then as soon as I get handcuffed and taken away, she's talking to the cops like they fucking arranged this.

That betrayal has got to be fucking traumatic. For a whole year, she's like, Bam, I swear, I had no idea about it. And then a year later, BJ got the body cam footage. I'm like, what do you have to say about this? Well, Bam, we didn't know what to do. It's like, but you lied to me for a whole year. Were you using a lot then?

No, because I was in treatment for two years. But as soon as I would get out, the first thing I wanted to do was that because I had no reason to stop. I'm going to say it because this is the honesty day today. Whatever issue you have, your family is supposed to be the ones that you can count on and your friends. Knoxville tried to do this movie called Action Point in South Africa and they had a $15 million budget and he tried to do it without us and it was a fucking flop.

flop. They only made $2 million. So when that happens, the label says, you're not free to go. You're either going to have to pay this back or fucking put your house up for sale or do a jackass five. Well, if bam's not in it, then that's already 6 million, $5 million that we don't have to pay back.

So we could already say he's a fucking liability because he's drunk out in front of a hotel room on TMZ. So you're still really angry with Knoxville. Put me through hell, maybe pay all this fucking treatment money. And they're filming behind my back while I'm in treatment. So they already set me up to fucking fuck.

And then as soon as I do the slightest thing wrong, I'm not in the movie. So I paid a hundred grand to go to treatment only for me to fuck up. And then now I'm not in the movie. They had it all planned out. Charmaine and Knoxville, they would be in Los Angeles making all these secret deals. Then they do a fucking documentary about how Jack has got created.

And talking about Big Brother the whole time. And at the very tail end, probably about 5%. Oh, yeah. And then Ben was doing CKY in Pennsylvania. Sold millions of copies. You fucking barely sold 20,000 copies. I feel like you made Jackass, though, because you already had like a little mini empire with CKY before even getting on to Jack. I knew who you were before Jackass.

I have learned how to forgive and be happy and I deleted anybody that's given me a problem. But I just want to take my anger out on one person. Knoxville, get into a ring with me. Take off your boxing gloves. One, two, three, you're fucking done for. Once you get Marchman acted or Baker acted, it usually happens in Florida. That means that you have to do 90 days in treatment. And if the interventionist knows that you have good insurance, they will find reasons to keep you there for eternity. Right.

Cause I'm like 88 days in. And I'm like, I get to two more days. I get out hip hip array. Then he walks in. He's like, you've been rocking those same shorts for like three days now. I'm like, yeah, I'm not trying to get any pussy around here. I don't care. They're like, that's bad hygiene. You're doing another 90 days at another place. Then I'll do 88 days at another place. Flick the cigarette out into a bush. They filmed it smoking. Like any cigarette would smoke. It was not on fire. Like you can let the whole national force on fire. You're doing another 90 days at another place. They just kept doing it.

and doing it, doing it. It's called body snatching basically. Straight up body snatching. It's the insurance. Let's toss you through. And I realized that there's nothing that you could do to get out there. You're stuck. Oh yeah, once you're in the system, it's a fucking rabbit hole. So I did everything right and I better know.

We're going to keep you here for another 90 days. For what? I've done everything you've asked. I've been here for two and a half years. Get me the fuck out. I was in the longest Florida shuffle. It's a fact. It's called a shuffle. She's like, man, there's no such thing as a Florida shuffle. You have to do a statement saying that you didn't know what you were talking about. And I really went on. She like forced me to do it. Like, hey guys, I know I was talking about the Florida shuffle, but I don't know anything about it or what I was talking about. And I was not in the Florida shuffle whatsoever. Lies.

Like I was definitely in the fucking Florida shuffle. I was in 13 different treatment centers at 90 days a piece and one of them was 220. It's called a shuffle. They kept me in there. The definition of the Florida shuffle where Bam was, which his parents seem to be in denial at times, is that they will just take you and then say you and I have one. It's like, hey, Bam's about to get out. So let's get him fucked up. Because if they let you out and you have a couple of days left, they're hoping that you relapse so they could keep you for another 90 days for insurance purposes. Say, hey, you know, Haley's over on...

10th street and delray go get her and then you would keep her for 30 days and we would split the hundred thousand dollars and that's how it goes and that's what he was it's just a constant shuffle i saw this psychic lady who basically told me to be a yes man say yes to everything so oh that's not don't tell bam that i pull in with the bentley to this gas station in vista california because my phone died and i didn't know how to get to his house so i had to charge it in

in the gas station. So as soon as I pull up these M13 gangsters with their tattoos, face and everything, they go, yo, you banned from Jackass? I'm like, yeah. They're like, can we get a photo? I'm like, yes. And they're like, can we sit in your car and get a photo? I'm like, yes. They're like, yo man, this thing must be fast. Can we go around the block and whatever? I'm like, yes. So then we go around the block and we're cracking jokes. I do not know this.

I park at the gas station knowing that my phone's still charging. And I'm like, hang on, guys. And I leave the car running. And I'm like, I got to go get my phone. They're like, all right, cool. So I go in. And I'm like, hey, ma'am, can I get my phone? She's like, I gave it to your friend. I'm like, what friend? I'm from Pennsylvania. I don't have any friends here. She's like, well, I gave it to somebody. But you gave my phone away? I was forced to call 911. So three cop cars pull up. And I guess they were all larried up on whatever. But they thought it was for them. So they took my car. Oh, man.

As the police show up, not knowing that it's for me and my phone. It had nothing to do with them. This guy just got out of jail for five years for guns and drugs. And apparently he had guns and drugs on him. So he took my car. I walk out. There's three helicopters in the sky. And I hear from Officer Bentley. I'll never forget. Bentley's been crashed in the house. I'm like, awesome. And I didn't want to press charges because I don't need these guys after me. So ate the cash on that as well.

why do you think this shit happens to you all the time, Bam? Because I listened to a lady to say yes to everything that day. There has to be some level of discernment in your gut though. You got to be like, no, maybe I shouldn't be riding around with these guys. It was just like, she just said it. So the first thing that just say yes to everything. Yo, Bam, can we get a photo? Yes. Was she a stripper?

No, she was a psychic. And then the stripper was next and then a buddy. Was the psychic in the strip club? He had a tiny, no, it was not. Okay, so they're totally unrelated. So you and Ryan Dunn's relationship, let's focus on that for a little bit. You guys were like best of friends.

Yeah. He was just such a character. He would be the guy to do the gnarly thing that everybody would back out on. To get in that wheelbarrow and get pushed off of that three-story building into this pricker bush. Just give me a shot of Crown Royal and let's get it done and over with. And we did everything together. Find out that he got in a car accident. It was very devastating because I never had anybody die that I was close to and I never knew what it felt like. I remember we were outside of Phoenix, Arizona. I was doing an appearance the next day. All of a sudden, I just punch out

the van window and break it for no reason. And the tour manager was like, why did you do that? I'm like, I don't know. I'm just mad and I don't know why. I just don't know why. Turns out, he wrecked at 1228 in Pennsylvania and I smashed the window at fucking 928 in Phoenix. So, it's like we had such a connection that I knew something bad happened and I didn't know what until I found out the next morning. It was like he was like a soulmate. Like he wanted you to know. Yeah. Soulmates can be your friends too. Do you feel like

After Ryan's death is kind of when you started spiraling? Hell yeah, because I was so lost. Instead of like drinking as a celebration, it was just drinking to forget. How did you guys meet? In the bottle.

There's more to that. I gotta hear now. I gotta hear the spend the bottle story We met but we didn't know each other like we knew of each other, but it was because of a person He was basically friends with the person that I dated. I took his bitch. Oh my god. Yeah, still your girl I told him let's fade like I'm down to fade for her. So what?

So my friend Susan, like I started going out with her, like going and sleeping over at her house more. And so she hung out with his group, like a friend. I had basically like started liking his pictures and he started like, we just started like liking each other's pictures. We started commenting like on each other's things. Then my friend Susan, I was going to go hang out at her house and she was like, oh, Garik said he wants to hang out.

I was like, I'm down. So then I went and I stayed with Susan. We got drunk and then we got bored and like I didn't want to make a first move because like there was a bunch of people. We got bored. I didn't want to tell her like let's just go to the room. Basically, I had told him, I was like, there's a game that me and Susan play. It's in the bottle and I was like, all of us like let's play it, you know? It actually landed on me and her. I look over and he's on the bed ready. I swear to God. He was like...

On the bed. And everyone is just staring. He slowly creeped up to the bed like he knew. And he was just on the bed. Listen, this is his time to shine, baby. He was waiting for this moment. I looked over. I was like, where? And then I just look over, and he's literally on the bed. You know what you wanted? What?

Did you guys end up kissing did you crawl on top of them? I guess yeah, I was like the ballsy one I like walked over there and I was like, oh this is what you guys want to see Like what you're gonna get a show So after that night that you guys hooked up you guys just decided to be together from there Um, no, it was kind of like a hookup that night. Mm-hmm. And then we kind of would just see yeah No, we but we probably were we were gonna be like fuck buddies, you know, yeah, like I didn't put it down. Oh

Yeah, I gave him the words. I knew like I had to like add a boy Yeah, and I was I was in my foot. I actually I actually could not I Susan even knows this too I actually couldn't walk like I couldn't say that's gracious. I couldn't sit it hurt Yeah, we never talked about this but literally I like I literally I remember me and my friend like I literally I went to sit down on her like I

on her table. Yeah. And I just sat down and I was like, did you know you'd put it down like that? Oh yeah. I told the boys, I was like, yes, of course, because he was knocked out after. So I put him to sleep. Being an adult has its high points. Like you can eat ice cream for dinner anytime, or if you want to stay up all night, you can, but it's not always fun. You also have to do your taxes and figure out what's for dinner every freaking night. I

I hate it. And make doctor's appointments. And for that one, there is ZocDoc, the healthcare app that makes adulting that much easier. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to enter.

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appointments. You guys know I absolutely hate going to the doctor. So if I can get a tele doctor, I'm all for it. I use them. You should too. You guys know I have anxiety. So I absolutely love the comfort of being able to be in my own home and do it from an app. It's absolutely seamless.

So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash bunny, B-U-N-N-I-E, to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash bunny. ZocDoc.com slash bunny. When I think of summer smells, I think of sunscreen, salty beach air, barbecue on the grill, and...

Unfortunately, body odor. Well, not this summer. Thanks to Lume, whole body deodorant, BO will no longer be an unwelcome guest at my summer plans. Their pH optimized formula is clinically proven to block odor all year.

all day and it's not just for underarms it's for everywhere we get odor pits privates feet under boobs you name it so no matter how hot it gets you can still smell fresh and feel confident from head to freaking toe baby ready to make this your freshest summer ever as a special offer new customers get 15% off

all Lume products with our exclusive code and link. Use code bunnyxo at lumedeodorant.com. That's L-U-M-E-D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T.com. You guys already know I'm a Lume girl. I have to have it, especially when we're on tour, high paced shows, back to back, running around, armpits, sweating,

butthole marinating, just piddle juice pouring from all the holes. You guys already know that Lume is my go-to. Lume's starter pack is perfection for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping. Again, as a special offer for listeners, new customers get 15% off all

all Lume products with our exclusive code and if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack that equals 40% off their starter pack use code bunnyxo for 15% off your first purchase at lumedeodorant.com that's code bunnyxo at l-u-m-e-d-e-o-d-o-r-a-n-t.com

No, but apparently, like, that's the only thing I really have to look out for. And then the spine disease. So I try to wear... My dad's always telling me, he's going to yell at me, put your shoulders back. So, like, my boobs are so heavy, they pull my...

spine forward when i had my boobs done that was the same way my the implants were so heavy you still have big boobs these are my real ones i had my you're like a d still yeah i had my implants taken out but yeah that's exactly i would hunch over too and i still do that now because i'm so used to having those i had those fucking kazangas for like 13 years so you got a nice rack i'm a fucking 34 triple d they're nice i'm gonna show you when we're done i can't wait they're crazy i'm

I can't wait. They hurt. I've thought about a breast reduction, but my husband's like, don't you dare. You're going to have that crazy scar. And like, they're so pretty. Not if you go to a microsurgeon. Really? They'll be able to do it like super, super thin. Really? Like I had one girlfriend of mine who she, they took the nipple off and then they took, and then they put it back on and it looks crazy. Yeah. Someone chewed on the nipples.

and sewed them back on. Like someone ate the pepperoni and then fucking put it back on. I'm like, what the fuck? It's like a kid's pizza. Yeah. You are so open about your mental health journey right now, especially in the times that we live in is so fucking important. People try to act like everything's fine all the time. And I love the fact that you're like, I am fucking about to get on a flight and I am scared to death. And like, you're just so real about it. When I was going through my suicidal ideation, I remember looking at Jay and I was like,

I don't know how I'm going to live till 50. I don't want to be here till 50. Now I'm kind of like, shit, I might want to hang out till I'm 80. When I was younger, I just was really struggling. And I remember I used to want to die all the time. I'd pray to God. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to be here anymore. I was a cutter. So I got caught at school cutting. They sent me to...

the hospital I got put in inpatient and then from there they ended up putting me on an antidepressant at 16 yeah I've tried to get off of it completely because you know my life has changed and your life does change and that's what I think people need to remember maybe in a season of your life where things are horrible you don't want to be here but that doesn't mean that spring isn't coming people sit there and they think this is forever it's not nothing's forever good and bad

I'm very uncomfortable all the time almost so like when you meet someone that you're like okay I can just chill like it's nice I can let my tits hang out I just take my top off that's what I strive for yeah exactly it's to get you naked you're a comfort person I'm dead you're gonna have to pay more on the Patreon for that yeah for sure it wouldn't be the first time we've had some titties flop out on the podcast though yeah who took their

Titties out. Jesse Lawless off the top took her fucking, and she had some, she's a full lesbian. Uh-huh. Gorgeous tits. Wow. I feel like every fucking lesbian has the nicest tits. The Bunny XO Show's coming back, baby. Are you guys excited? Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! How'd that sound on you guys' speakers? How was that for the speakers, guys? Oh my God. That was good.

We almost fucking died in a plane and I did not think it was gonna make headline news International news literally we're on this plane and I already had a bad feeling about it I just when Jay told us we were leaving at 7 o'clock the next night I immediately told me me get us other flights cuz I don't for some reason just something gave me anxiety I just had like butterflies in my stomach when we were driving there we pulled up and and

Haley was like, oh look, it's a rainbow. It's beautiful. And I was like, yeah, that's a good sign that nothing's going to be wrong with this airplane. Never say shit like that because I am such a words are spells kind of person, but I just felt it. And sometimes when I have visions, if I don't talk about it, they happen. We get on this plane.

And the feng shui of the plane is already off. Jay said it the minute he stepped on that plane. Yeah. My husband walked in the plane and he was like, wait, what? My seat is... The seat that he normally always sits in was on the opposite side. Just felt weird. And then the staff was not that great. They were not... Terrible snacks. Yeah.

Besides the snacks, they just weren't warm and welcoming. And before you're about to have your life in two people's hands, you would like them to be fucking warm and welcoming. And when we take off, they keep like, if you've ever been on a jet, you can feel when they break. And we're like elevating, elevating. And then all of a sudden we just break.

And then it's like, it was so weird because it got like eerily quiet. And then I have my headphones on and I see Boston, our security, run up to the pilot. Comes back and he looks like he's seen a ghost almost. Like he looked really flustered. I moved my headphone thing to the side to hear what he was saying. I said, what's going on? And all I hear Boston say is something's wrong with the plane. We have to emergency land. And she just goes, well, tell him sooner than later. Yeah.

texting my family goodbye and that i love them i literally was texting kayla and i was like oh my god they have to emergency land this plane come to find out the computer malfunctioned and when a computer malfunctions on a plane the screen that they have to be able to see everything around them other planes fucking ufos anything fucking is completely black so he was blindly driving the plane what's up with fucking billy bob thornton though king

Literally, right? Him and I literally turned and locked. And it was like, for a moment, I forgot I was married. And I was like, sashayed my way over to him. Like, just a fucking little dork. And I was just like, sashay.

Such a pleasure to meet you. Oh my God, Icon. Like I was like, this is amazing because he's literally the only person I wanted to meet the entire time I was there. I know you went through all the chairs and then you're like Billy Bob Thornton. I was so excited. Like I love all the country music singers too, but I've met all of them. But to see like Jane Seymour and Billy Bob Thornton, they're like, they're fucking icons, dude. Meeting fucking Billy Bob was the highlight of my life. Yeah, for sure. I thought about him for days afterwards. Such an icon through my life. Dude, he was with Angelina fucking Jolie.

They were the ones who originally wore the blood. - Could you smell her on him? - I tried. I tried. It was a deep whiff.

I whiffed his soul whenever we hugged. I love him. I love him. He's a fucking badass. He was so sweet. He was so sweet. The fact that he takes time to like, he speaks to you. You know, like you meet so many people and you feel like as if they're just speaking. But like he really spoke to you. He's a sweetie pie. But yeah, good old fucking Billy Bob.

i love him have you ever had sleep paralysis i had an orgasm one time during sleep paralysis and i could have swore i was getting like banged by a demon you liked that what yeah i didn't mind the orgasm but it was a cemetery no it was in my bed in the middle of the day it was fucking scary and you can like hear like a growling sound it's crazy i've heard i've heard scratching next to my bed yeah i've heard growling mine i just can't breathe

like i wake up too i can breathe but i can't talk but then it just puts me right back to sleep like i i physically cannot get myself out of the sleep i haven't had a sleep paralysis dream in probably two years and actually maybe a lot we're all going to go home tonight i know i hope not i'm wondering what i'm doing different that i why i don't have them anymore you're not taking vitamins like you used to i don't want them

So you think vitamins cause sleep paralysis? Well, you were overdosing on vitamins. Yeah. And before that was drugs. You had a chemical imbalance every single time. You've been clear these past two years of everything. It's because I love Jesus. I think that's how it happens too is when you don't plan something, it just organically grows. It's almost like the universe grabs it and just rolls with it.

Don't get me started on manifesting things. Because I really believe that. I really think like a lot of people will ask me like, what does it take to get where you are? And I'm like, well, first of all, stop thinking of where you want to go and start enjoying where you are. Because if you can appreciate the now and what's happening right now,

forget it. Like, and when people ask me like what my goal is right now, I'm like, I don't have a goal. I never had a goal. I just was like quietly delighted at all the little milestones and enjoying that moment and working with integrity and, and gratitude. And like, that's the key. Like, I don't think if you, if you're always looking for the next best thing or like the thing that's going to make you, um,

I don't think it works like that. That's so real. And I think a lot of people, including myself, need to hear something like that because I'm always like on to the next goal. And sometimes I forget that this is a journey, not a destination. So that was very beautifully said. What does it take to make Dita Von Teese happy in a relationship? Well, I'm a bit of a size queen. Yeah.

- I love that. - Admittedly. Joking aside, I guess I just, I love doing what I do. I love working. I love, you know, I always have so many projects. I think what I, I love being independent. I don't like being like, I'm somebody's woman. I don't wanna date any more famous men. - Yeah, it's rough. - I don't know, I just love my work. To me, it's all like spread across the board. Like when I was younger, it was like, I put so much importance on romance. - Right. - And I just am like, okay.

Yeah. As you get older, you're just like, no. It's like... Yeah. I always tell my husband, I'm like, we've been together almost a decade. I'm like, if...

if this does not work out, which it will, I could never just get into another relationship again, especially with a public person. And also just having to get to know somebody on that level again of intimacy and just being, you know, joined at the hip with somebody is just, it's a lot. It's a lot to have to try to work through again. I've always wanted to ask, what is it like? I don't know if this is too graphic, but what is it like the first time you cut into a body?

You know, the good thing is that you're not the first one to do it. Right. And so you're assisting. I think it's the first time it's your patient is when it's really scary. Right. That's what, yeah. You know, because being a resident, there was always backup. You know, like when we did surgery in residency, you had the older surgeon basically saying, like, cut here. I remember the first time they actually, I was operating with the surgeon. I was, I think maybe an intern. And I was doing, essentially it was a hernia. Right. And that's like one of the basic operations. Mm-hmm.

And I'd never started an operation before. And we're standing there over the patient. And he goes, Tony, get started. And I had never started an operation before. So I'm like, uh. And I grabbed the clamp off of the mail stand, which is the stand that the scrub techs have. And he looks at me like, you idiot. Are you going to make a cut with a clamp? I'm like, oh, no. Like.

Like, oh, can I have a scalpel, please? I could never do it. I would probably pass out. No, because it's baby steps, you know? I mean, our training, you know, for me, my training started when I was a medical student. You start from literally doing the tiniest little procedures. I remember the first time I did a spinal tap on a little baby. Here's this little kid, this little baby, you know? And I was so nervous as a medical student. But the attending pediatrician was just so gentle and reassuring.

all the way up to now where it's like, yeah, I've had people say thank you for saving my life. And, you know, and I've cut people's skin open and pull it. It's like, when you think about it, like how arrogant do you have to be to think that you can cut somebody open, especially in plastic surgery, where they're completely healthy and you make them unhealthy for a period of time, expecting that they're going to be healthy again. Surgery is beautiful, but it's so barbaric at the same

It can be. Oh, yeah. Fascinating to know that you can cut somebody open, take stuff out, sew them up again, and then the outcome is absolutely gorgeous. What is the wildest request you've ever had for a surgery?

you know I can tell you a wild story oh I'm ready okay I mean I get wild requests but this was like a wild story I had a patient who came in to see me this was I literally was in practice for four months so I'm this new plastic surgeon in Michigan I thought I was kind of like I in my head I was trying to present myself like as a Beverly Hills big shot because I trained out in Beverly Hills and now I'm in like Rochester Hills Michigan this small town and I'm and I and

At the same time, inside, I knew I'm brand new. I'm green. I've not treated people by myself before, and I was nervous. But on the surface, it's like, oh, yeah, sure. I'm a real plastic surgeon. I trained in Beverly Hills. So this woman comes in, and she had had a facelift and a brow lift done by a different plastic surgeon, a guy who was really not thought of well in my community as kind of a chop shot type.

And so she had some areas where a little bit of loose skin here, her brows had dropped again and stuff. And she's like, can you fix me or can you make things better? So I'm like, and she goes, I used to be a model and she was now in her late fifties. She goes, I used to be a model and now I'm just feeling like I've lost it. And can you please help me? And I felt bad for her.

So I said, you know what? Let me give you a discount and let's do this operation. And it was a brow lift and a facelift. And I brought her to surgery and the surgery went perfectly. So she comes back to see me at one week and she was happy at one week. And then at three weeks, she was happy. And then all of a sudden I get a call from her a couple of weeks later saying that I botched her and that she is going to go see some other surgeons to see what can be done to fix it.

So now, like, I'm literally four months in practice. I'd never had an unhappy patient before. I didn't know what to do with it. And so I call her up and I say, hey, what's going on? She goes, you botched me. I'm trying to find somebody to fix this. And so I said, well, please just come back to the office. Let's take a peek at it. Because last time I saw her, she looked great. Like, healing was fine. So I said, just come back to the office and let's just take a peek and see what's going on. You know, let's see what I can do to help you.

So she comes into the office. She comes barging into, I schedule her at the end of the day because I'm thinking like, I think she's mad and I don't want her to scare other patients away. So you always schedule them at the end of the day so that they don't like, you know, ruin the rest of your day and scare everybody away. So she comes in, she barges in the door and she is pissed off. Her face is bright red and she starts screaming at me. And she's like, you botched me. You botched me. You made me look oriental.

And I'm like, oriental? She goes, you made me look like you. And I'm like, what? And like, she's Caucasian, you know? I'm like, no, she doesn't look Asian.

And so I go, well, I go, let's settle down. She goes, I saw this other doctor and he told me that I'm a train wreck now, that you completely botched me. And I'm like, I'm actually really good friends with this doctor. There's no way he would ever say that. And I don't tell her this, but I go, well, I go, what can I do to try to make it up for you? Like, let's, you know, let's see what we can do together. And she goes, you better pay me a half a million dollars or I'm going to run you out of town.

And I go, I don't have, like, I was literally $200,000 in debt. Right. Did she look Asian? No, she looked fine. She was healing fine. I was looking at her incisions. Everything was healing fine. She had body dysmorphia. What she looked at and saw in the mirror was different than what everybody else saw. Oh.

So I'm like, I go, look, I don't have a half a million dollars. I'm like, I'm literally 200 grand in debt myself. And that's my debt. My wife had another 200 grand. So we're like almost half a million, the whole as it is. And so I go, I don't have that money. And she goes, $150,000. You pay me $150,000 and I will forget that you destroyed my face.

And I go, look, you actually look fine. Like, let's talk this over. And then she goes, carte blanche, carte blanche. I get whatever I want by whatever surgeon I want for the next three years and you pay for it. And I'm like, I mean, what? This isn't like she's literally negotiating with you. So I go, look, I can't do that. Then she goes, if you don't do that, then I'm going to send you back to L.A. where the only people who allow you to operate in them are the whores. And she starts running through my office, literally screaming the whores, the whores, the whores.

She goes up to my big window and like a horror movie, she's like, I'm a monster. Looking at the window, screaming at the top of her lungs. And so I'm like, oh my. And now I knew that she was going to be unhappy. So I actually wrote her a check for what I had, what she paid me and what her hospital fees were. Like I would have, it's like more than what I made, like what she paid me and a lot more.

Because before she came in, I had this feeling like this is going to go bad. And I had a release for her where if she were to sign the release, then it releases me of indemnity of any responsibility. So I say, look, I've got a check for the cost of your operation. I go, this is money that you paid the hospital too. I go, I will give you this check if you sign this release.

And she goes, she looks at it. She goes, this is all you're offering me. And she goes, I will destroy you. I've got good friends in town and we're going to send you back to where you came from. And she leaves and slams the door and leaves. My employees are like hiding under their desks and they're like, oh my gosh.

So I call up my old mentor in LA who he has seen freaking everything. I remember he told me back in the day, he said, "I had a patient of mine." He goes, "Yeah, I had a patient of mine who was stalking me, would actually be in bushes in front of my house and looking through my windows.

And so I'm like, well, he had this person, like that person was nuts. So maybe he knows what to do. So I call him up and I say, hey, doc, I'm like this woman, she's like going crazy. I think she's going to like, she's threatened. She actually threatened to hit me with her car at one point. And she's going to like, I think she's going to attack me. And I go, what did you do to get rid of that patient? And he goes, oh, simple. I hired some guys to beat her up. And I'm like, I don't, I'm not going to hire people. And I don't even know who to hire to call anyway. Like not that I would hire somebody to beat up a patient of mine.

So I'm like, okay, thanks for nothing. And he's like, tell me what happens. This is exciting. And I hang up on him. This is exciting.

This is exciting. So I'm standing there. I'm like, what do I do? And my employees, their eyes are huge. All of a sudden, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And she's at the door. And my employees are like, she probably has a gun. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. And they're like, don't open the door. And I'm kind of like a ninja. I creep up to where the window is. And I look around the corner. And I'm looking like there's no gun or anything. So I go up to the door. I open it up. She barges in.

Takes a check that I put on the front desk puts in her pocket signs the release Walks up to me and she goes this is not over and she walks out the door and

And so now the next day I had an operation. It was actually a breast reconstruction on a woman who had these huge breasts and she'd had cancer and this and that. It was going to be one of the most difficult, probably the most difficult operation I was supposed, I was going to do up to that point in my career. Poor thing. I could not sleep overnight and I called her up. It was like five in the morning and I go, I'm really sorry. I said, I can't operate on you today. She goes, well, that's okay. And she's so nice. She goes, we'll do this later. And I go, no, I go, I don't think I can operate on you.

And for months, I had lost all sense of confidence in myself because what did I do to this woman? So a couple weeks go by, and I'm at the hospital treating a patient, and I get a call from my office. And they're like, you need to come back. That patient's mom has left you a message. So I go, what is the message? And the message is, you need to call me. My daughter is suicidal. So now I'm like, fuck.

this now my what happened like my patient's gonna freaking kill herself because of this freaking facelift that i did on her and like what do i do i called one of my best friends a psychiatrist and i say brian like this is what's going on like what do i do and he goes you need to tell her mom to call the police and send her to the hospital immediately because you know if she's suicidal you've got to do that so i'm like okay so i call her mom up and i'm like hey this is dr yoon i'm calling you know you left me a message about your daughter and you said she is suicidal is that true and she goes

What? Suicidal? What are you talking about? And I go, well, this is what message was left. And she goes, no, no, that's a figure of speech. She needs more money to pay for what you did to her. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Like this is an 80-year-old woman, 85-year-old woman trying to like blackmail me for more money. Oh, my gosh.

So I'm like, look, I'm sorry. This conversation's over. And like that was the end of it. And you never heard from them again? You know, so I referred her initially when she called before I saw her and that whole crazy episode happened. And I gave her some names of some local surgeons who are much older than me who have been very established. Right.

And so I ran into one of them at a meeting a couple years later. And he was like, hey, Tony. I'm like, oh, hey, how's it going? And he was like, you know that one patient? And I'm like, oh, I know who you're talking about. And he goes, she's effing crazy. She was just looking for a paycheck. I think that she saw this young, naive, like,

nice surgeon and was like, and got a nice result. I think part of it may be BDD, like by dysmorphia. And part of it is like, I'm going to take this guy for everything he has. I had a client one time and he was an OR, an emergency room doctor. We were doing like eight balls of cocaine one night and just, I mean, it was like a party. And I looked at him and I remember looking at him and I was just like, this guy's energy is so...

And I was like, why did you become a doctor? You know, like I was really curious because his energy was just so weird. He's like, you want to know why? And I was like, yeah, he said, because I love playing God. And I was like, never going to the hospital again. So bad. Good Lord. I can't even wrap my head around that mentality. Yeah. Like it doesn't make any sense to me. And there's so many out there that are like that. Yeah.

I mean, look, we're all people, you know, I am no better than anyone else. And, and I don't know if he meant that he likes being able to control people's lives, whether they live or die like that. Scary. That's pretty scary. What is it? Dr. Death insane, dude. He's a neurosurgeon and he was like paralyzing people and causing all these problems intentionally. It was like bouncing hospital to hospital. Like one hospital didn't want to say anything because they didn't want to kind of, Oh crap. People died on our watch and didn't want to say it was bad.

Oh, come on. I see. I just, I could never like that. I have too much of a conscience to ever like have somebody else's blood on my hands like that. I'm actually a huge advocate of natural bodies because once you start cutting on yourself, you're, you're, and getting lipo and stuff like that, your weight distribution is completely different in your body. Now I collect, I get like saddlebags if I don't work out right. Or like, people ask that a lot.

And it's about lipo. Like one of the most common questions is I heard if I have lipo that I'm going to like gain weight somewhere else. So this is what happens. We're all born with a finite amount of fat cells, which means we're there determined, right? So if we suction up on a fat, a bunch of fat off of your tummy,

theoretically that fat is never coming back. But the way that you can regain weight in your stomach is if you gain more weight, the fat cells that are left behind can swell back into the space and you can gain weight. It's harder to lose. It can be harder to lose. The question that women are asking is if I get my tummy lipoed, am I all of a sudden going to gain weight in my hips?

It's not that you all of a sudden gain weight in your hips. It's just that you have more fat cells there and they're going to take on volume maybe before your tummy starts to show. So you may eventually show in your stomach as well, but it might show first in another area. And everyone's kind of different with where they carry their fat. Yeah.

So that's, that's the phenomenon that's happening. It's like, because you have lipo, it doesn't cause fat to go somewhere else. It's just that you have more fat cells in an area where you didn't have lipo. And if you're prone to gaining weight there, you might show their first and faster than you would in the place where you already had lipo. Absolutely. But also eat after you have body surgery done, you have to eat correctly. You cannot just get out of surgery and start eating fucking hot Cheetos and in and out and all that stuff.

One, you're gonna lose all the results you just went and spent money on. The fact that I had the surgery in 2015 and still have maintained these results is because I have the strictest diet ever. That's why women get multiple surgeries and have multiple batches of lipo because they didn't adhere to diets or eating healthy and they just figured that they could just eat whatever they want and you can't. Like you really have to work at keeping weight off no matter what. Sun exposure ages your skin and increases risk of skin cancer.

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Sign up today. Can you talk about the sexual assault? What happened? Is this the situation that happened with the mayor? Oh, so I was sexually assaulted recently. We are dealing with someone who is habitually a rapist and like rapey vibes, right? Opposite of consent. Were you raped? Yeah. Sexual assault could be being groped, could be

Oh, this was like when you don't want to be or like this, like you. That's why I asked if you were raped. So, yeah, I was drugged and woke up like thinking, like, did someone set me up? Like, are we both in this together? Who would do this? And then I realized it was him who did that. And I was stark naked, did not know where any of my clothes were. Necklaces broken, all that stuff. And it was just like flight. Like, I just like ran. I just really didn't know how to behave. It's got to be tough to hold all that in and not talk about it.

I do think talking about it, like you said, is probably the best thing, one, for you, therapy, and two, that's your testimony, you know, something that you've survived and that you've gone through. So maybe people are able to connect with you. Doing the best you can. And I think for a lot of other sexual assault victims, you do the best you can when you are the crime scene.

straight up being sexually assaulted and being like the crime scene was surreal it just felt like my brain and my body was not connected and so i had to do a lot of therapeutic work somatic experiencing work on that and i just feel you know like my heart goes out to so many other rape victims who are like going through this stuff for years it just is really tedious

Circling back to the traumatic experience of losing her father, do you feel like your mom was not there for you emotionally whenever? Because it plays out on the show. You and your mom have a very tumultuous relationship where it's like very on again, off again. And I feel as a viewer that your mom almost wasn't emotionally there for you. And do you feel like that has been like a huge thing in you and your mom's relationship even to this day? Yes.

You see like on this show that maybe my mom and I disagree about a lot of things. I would say in all because I had to like really, you know, like 12 step inventory trauma center. You actually write down, it's called the fifth step. Anyone you have relationships with. So I'm writing down my mom. I'm writing down my dad. And what came up, maybe I didn't feel like my mom

was supportive. It's actually way more than just not having support was I seen. She never saw how much I love someone. She like she came up after hearing that he had passed away that she was happy that he was gone. And I think we might have we might have our own feelings like I would with Sophia and her boyfriends in those situations. Do you know that like I have reasoning and capability of understanding like someone has feelings here and I

I need to put my stuff to the side. But a lot of what came up at the 12 step trauma center when you're writing down your relationship is abandonment, abandonment, abandonment. Most people will say, well, I didn't abandon you. Like you were living at my house. I was giving you shelter. I was doing this. But abandonment might come from not being seen.

not being feeling safe. I didn't feel safe in that environment. Tell me about your relationship with Nicole. How did you guys become best friends? And are you guys really best friends in real life? Yes. She needed an older sister because she's an only child. And I needed a younger sister because I'm an only child. Our personalities are so different that it just worked. She's just so sweet and innocent and pure and tiny. Snooki is sweet and innocent. And I look up to her, even though she's literally a foot shorter than me. Aww.

She doesn't like confrontation where I'll take confrontation head on. She doesn't want to fight. She just wants to have a good time. And her best friend since high school and me started crying over how much we love this girl, how much we love protecting her.

So I look up to her for business advice, mother advice. She can take on any task and own it. And she's still sookie. Still wants to party and have a good time. I would be fucking exhausted in bed by 2 p.m. We're so ride or die. I don't care who's wrong, who's right. Like, I'm going to be in a nursing home with her. She's fucking...

incredible. We need to fight less. It breaks my heart when we fight. She has the same self-awareness that you did. And I'll tell her like, we need to keep this open dialogue and conversation going because I never want you to think you can't come to me open and honest. So if you need to check mom, you can check your mother.

And I know if there's an older demo that watches you will disagree with that. That's the problem. I think so too. I feel like that generation stifled a lot of their children's voices. Yes. Or I let Bailey come on the podcast this week. I'm getting a lot of hate for letting a 16 year old talk about her trauma, but-

my, that's what my platform is about. Yeah. So when my own child comes to me and says, mom, I want to tell my story so that I can help other kids my age, I supposed to do tell her, no, no, you have to wait until you're 18 to speak about things that have happened to you. It's, it's wild. Do as I say, you're not allowed to have a voice, but

It's a one-sided conversation. And I needed to educate myself on how do I break down her walls, make her feel safe and loved while disciplining her. That's what a mom's supposed to do. That's a definition of a mom to me. He pretty much started in the mob at a very young age.

Brooklyn and Staten Island is kind of like the breeding ground for the mafia. My father grew up intrigued with that lifestyle. My grandfather came over from Sicily and he was on the opposite side of the street. My grandfather was a legitimate guy. The men on the other side of the street, there was always respect. The way my grandfather respected them. My father was always intrigued and my father said, "How do you know this one particular guy that my grandfather knew back from Sicily?" And he said, "He's a bad guy, but he's one of our bad guys. He's good to us."

So that always stuck in my father's head because he's like, well, you know, what did he mean by that? But the mafia took care of their communities. They took care of their own. Cosa Nostra is this thing of ours. And what it is, is the mafia actually protected and policed their own communities. Like back in the day, if someone couldn't come in a community and hurt a little kid or rape a girl, you're going to get killed. The mafia protected their own. Yeah, they didn't go to the police. They went to the mafia. They, you know, kind of migrated to New York.

and Sicilians, they were immigrants. They were trying to make money, so the mafia started...

like where they got into the garment industries, the construction industry. It really was about their own communities and benefiting themselves. And when you become part of that lifestyle, you understand if you betray that lifestyle, death is the, you know, that's the answer. That's what happens if you betray that lifestyle. So that's what Cosa Nostra is. It's a community of men that came together to be able to provide for their families,

through crimes or whatever, but you're supposed to always be loyal to that lifestyle. And if you're not, it's death is the penalty. I actually have a new found respect for your father. You know, you hear about Sammy the Bull and you hear like, oh, he's a rat. He's this, he's that. When you have the world coming against you like that, I would have probably done the same thing your dad did. Originally, my father was in jail for a year. He was going to fight the case, but it became the lawyers reached out to my father and said,

John's controlling the defense. John doesn't want the lawyer to be able to have a lawyer client meeting without John being present. He wants to know everything that goes on. I just believe that he set my father up. Do you think he was building the case with the feds? John saying, well, I lost control of Sammy the Bull. He killed this guy and took over this business. He killed this guy and took over that business.

business but my father was very loyal to Kozunosha and he didn't kill anyone unless it came orders from the boss. Gadi was pretty much turning on your dad and your dad kept warning him and was like hey man this is not how it happened trying to separate the trial. He faced murder trials before my father to do that I couldn't understand because that's so not who he was. Would he still be in prison had he not

And it wasn't even about life. I think my father at that point was the betrayal. Because I'm indicted on murders because of you. He was hurt and he felt disrespected.

John's like, "Oh, I was just blowing off steam." And my father's like, "Oh, blowing off steam, but now I'm facing a life sentence? And now you're telling me I can't defend myself?" That was the crumble of the Sammy the Bull, John Gotti relationship. I mean, why don't you just stay true to who you were? Like, why don't you just kill him? Whoever sat down with him, he'll tell you the same thing. He struggles with it. Maybe he should have killed John in jail. Like, honestly, I just felt betrayed by a brother. I started thinking of the life. And he was like, "I was just done."

I just threw in the towel and that was my way out. Adam and I actually had one threesome with another dude in our personal life, like very early before we were like officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We always thought it was hot. Yeah. But I feel like Adam didn't want to admit to himself that he thought it was hot because at the time we did that, I was just some girl. And then when I became like his woman, it was like, well, is it wrong for me to actually want to do that to get off with my like primary like lover and not just some girl?

Does he like watching you with other men? I would say that he enjoys it, even though maybe he doesn't always want to actually admit it like that. I'm like, your dick got harder. I know you enjoy it. It's in my mouth. I feel it. Us women know our men. Yes. I hate that everybody online is calling him a cuck and stuff like that because it's like you guys are just literally having fun living out people's fantasies. And I feel like everybody's always trying to put people in a box.

It's like everybody has to have a stereotype or some fucking sort of name. And it's just ridiculous. Adam's been fucking different girls for years now. And that's, you know, like your guys' thing. You always wanted to sleep with other men or you just didn't know how to ask him? I wouldn't say always. Or was it finally time? I think it was like maybe four or five years into it where I was kind of just like,

Like I know that I'm leaving something on the table by not doing something with another man. Like because my fans have been asking for it for so long. They're like, hey, we love you and Adam together, but we really want to see you with someone else. And obviously there was part of me that was like curious about it sexually, but mostly from a business point of view. I was like, hey, like I really want to do this for my OnlyFans. And it was pretty much always.

always a no like that is not on the table until eventually it was it was a yes and i can't really say like what exactly made adam change his mind but i think he brought us all the monetary value in it i think it like part of it is that he's always been a little open it's more like that the world is not open you know like during that whole we call the jason love saga like yeah

he was not painted in a nice way and even now it's like you know that's not your wife that's everyone's wife like that's how everyone sees him so take me to the last day of him being alive he was found passed away on the 5th but we

We had a maid in the house. So the maid was in the house. I think Aaron told her, hey, don't talk to Melanie because that's what he did to all of his team. When he would be upset with me, he'd be like, don't talk to Melanie. How long was she working for him before he passed away? I think we knew her for like two years, maybe a year and a half.

And she was getting him a couple of jobs, but a lot of jobs got canceled because of the trolls and things like that. They would call the events and say, no, we don't want Aaron doing this celebrity event. One after the other, everything just hurt him. He dealt with the hurt by taking pills, I think. Just going deeper into his addiction. And drinking or doing whatever. So that last day, was he still huffing also? I don't really like to see, like, anything from that week. It was just too hard for me. Because then I...

can't sleep for days when i see stuff i don't know how you're holding it together as well as you are that's a lot to go through and then to lose somebody so suddenly you know he's on live huffing paint he had a he had an appointment to go to an intake for rehab on friday november 5th so in his mind he probably thinks it's like one of those his last hurrahs before he has to go to rehab

Because you know how like... I never thought about it that way. Moving forward, Aaron always fought with you online. And there was a... I watched a clip of the live that he did before he passed away. And you're blowing up his phone. And finally, one of the last things you say to him is you are going to die. Yeah, I just... I hate thinking about... Like, why did I... Like, I wish I knew how to handle an addict better. But I mean, to me, I didn't take that as you...

trying to be hurtful I took it as you saying like you're going to die it was kind of like honestly I would have to say I didn't know how to handle it anymore and I just wanted people to know that he was like what was going on because I was

Right. And I wanted people to possibly help, you know, but that's what I took it as. I took it as you're like, I don't know what to do anymore. I was like I was I think I was just so tired that week and so exhausted from all the craziness that was going on. I didn't know how to handle it.

I think my body just shut down. And your brain. And my brain. I didn't know what to do anymore. When you're in those types of relationships, they consider the trauma that gets caused to your brain like brain damage. Because it's like years of brain damage, especially being, I'm not calling Erin a narcissist, but being in a narcissistic relationship or toxic relationship, it causes brain damage to you because it's that hurtful and just the whole, you know,

toxicity of the relationship takes its toll on you emotionally and it's not good so i have a real brothel menu in the bag and can i pull it can i pull it out and look at it all right we got the mustang ranch menu here guys has a little intro and then it gets to the pleasure menu special shows lingerie show vibrator show shower show um two or more girl show drag party sexy cinema what's a sexy cinema we watch a movie but we're not really watching

in the movie. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Does that involve like everything or is it just like, and is everything timed? That's something you work out with each client and we don't try to sell time. Obviously everything does have to be

And then it moves on to foreplay and it says nude massage, breast massage, French teas, fire and ice, wild horse chair party. What is that? That intertwined with, it looks like a tantra chair. So you can do like 120 sexual positions on this chair. I love that. What's the most requested? The standard half and half. Oh,

A little sucky sucky. Yeah, it says full pleasure right here. So they got a straight lay. They got a wild horse roundup, a half and half, and then they have a menage a trois. Oh, and then we got specialties on the back. Hold on one second. In ranch or off ranch dates. So you guys are allowed to go off the ranch with the dates? Yes.

And what does that entail? Like, what's something like that? I just went on one recently before I left work and came here to do this. But we just went up to North Lake Tahoe because that's still on the Nevada side. So we have an escorting license for anywhere inside Nevada. We just went up to Tahoe for the day and had lunch and did a little shopping and came back. Aww.

Hung out privately and yeah. We only have a broth license in Story County. So she can go on the date, but then they have to come back to the ranch and have sex. Working at the ranch, what is like one of the funniest stories you could tell me that has happened there? Girl, this one time this man hit us all up on the email and he was like, I want eight girls. So he hit you up and he was like, I want eight girls to ram me in my ass. Yes. I'm on a two month trip. At the end of this trip, this is the cherry on top.

and we're like you're bullshitting he shows up he shows up picks eight of you and you guys all go in this room and take turns just plowing him yeah in the mustang dungeon oh shit and i didn't have my strap on because i wasn't expecting him to come to the appointment my girl he had an extra but it was the bbc fine i'll just go last so i'm waiting waiting puffing my little vape pen in the

you're just watching this dude getting railed yes okay puffing my vape in the corner watching tom get railed my move my big black fake cock the god and everybody has been in his ass and i think now is my moment go and i just and i don't normally do things like i'm like the girl next door i do vanilla parties and i just go full for it and this poor man screams bloody murder and he's like let me out

let me up and he runs to the bathroom and I'm like oh shit and all the girls are looking at me like what the fuck did you do that for what happened you didn't use any lube you didn't slide it in slow I was like I thought it was lubed up damn you just went in dry I went in dry full force oh holy shit was he alright did he ever come back he has been emailing Madame Tarr to come back son of a bitch he loved it he loved it

Yeah.

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And he was like, "When I die, she's yours." Right? And so I got a voicemail on my phone one night that's like, "Hey man," I could hear it in his voice, "Hey man, you know something's came up. Ruby's yours." I'm like, "What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck's going on?" So I get in my car and I start driving down to Long Beach and I'm calling him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and he finally answers. He's like, "It's already done, man. Don't even, just turn around. Just turn around. It's already done. The deal's already done.

just turn around i'm like dude i'm 20 minutes away just hold on i don't know just hold on just hold on dude i get to long beach i kick open the door and he's like sitting there with this like wrist in the air like in a pool of blood and and i walk in flip on the pool of blood fall into it and i fart just start slapping him slapping him just like what's your favorite allman brothers song what's your favorite allman brothers song he's like his eyes come open he's like whipping post if anyone who knows the song whipping post like is like i feel like dying

It was like the craziest I've just seen that say. - That is so traumatic for you to have done. - Very traumatic. - Like I'm trying not to cry over here. - Very traumatic, you know? - That's so tough. - But that was when I started going really off the rails, 'cause this was still drug addict days, you know? I went really off the rails. - That's a lot of trauma. - Scaring my family, won't pick up the phone.

The crazy thing is when I got into my car after the ambulance came and picked him up, I was like, "You son of a bitch." I was like, "You were giving me a story, weren't you? You were giving me some kind of crazy story from my life, weren't you? You son of a bitch." Do I just die alone for real? Is that my journey? And look, obviously it sounds whatever, but it's also so romanticized to me because I'm like, "Portured, locked up artist in the middle of the woods, painting and smoking cigarettes." - You're not gonna die alone.

you're not you know what I know when I say that it sounds like one of those things but I am like I'm such a lover boy in those things where I'm just like yeah I know it sounds like like sad but to me it's so romanticized and so just like you know what like I've had it I felt it and like we'll see what happens but um you have manifested not that a woman will make you any more than you

already are your whole by yourself, but you have manifested everything in your fucking life. Yeah. You are going to manifest the perfect woman for you. Yeah. You just have to believe that. True. Like you have believed in yourself and everything else that you have done in this life. You have to start believing it. Stop romanticizing being alone and start romanticizing falling in love. Start visualizing your perfect girl. Mm-hmm.

I would tell you a trick to do, but I don't know if I'll get in trouble on the podcast. But it's like a... Well, then cut it if it is, but tell me. So when you're masturbating... Yeah. Mimi is like, oh, here we go. Hard. This is great. No, when you're masturbating, envision the perfect woman that you want. Yeah. And masturbate to her and to you, you know...

- That's great because I don't watch porn. - They say that if you do that, you're literally manifesting the person that you want and these people will start coming into your life. It's real, try it, let me know how it goes. - Uh oh.

Call me afterwards. I'm like, I got to get past some of this previous manifesting that I've been doing. I'm like, you should have told me that like 20 years ago. Clear the slate. So if you're jerking off to celebrities, you're manifesting celebrities. Yeah. Yeah. You see that? Word. Word. I'm thinking maybe the therapist was wrong about the whole like start of the trauma. I think we just actually found the reason. Yeah.

Let's kind of paint a picture about, you know, what happened with your grandfather. So there was an undercover agent named Joe Pistone. You got it again. Infiltrated the mob as Donnie Brosco. Well, everybody thinks that my grandfather was the one who introduced him to everyone. He wasn't. My grandfather got introduced to Pistone from another man. So the guy introduced Pistone.

Then my grandfather and him became extremely close. Kind of had a gambling problem. Enter Joe Pistone, AKA Donnie Brosco presents himself as this jewel thief, hustler, whatever. And he starts working with your grandfather to initially start paying back his debts, right? They were making money, whatever he did with that money. Yes. It was definitely to pay debt, probably to go pay some more, probably to go buy us gifts, whatever it was, it was for his lifestyle.

and to pay off debt, but also to keep gambling. This man was so engulfed in this lifestyle that I think he never would have quit. They pulled him off because supposedly there was going to be a hit on my grandfather. So they closed down the whole operation. My grandfather's body language changed differently so much that day. It was always about me and fussing and fussing, but he became talking in the corner, not himself. I could read his body language. He was like,

You know, he took whatever happened to him like a man. He never ratted, he never cooperated. But he was still nervous because a lot of stuff was happening. He knew something was going down. I OD'd over this. I just lost my whole life. Couldn't come up for air. Jennifer wasn't talking to me for a year and a half. Everything in my life was falling apart. My son didn't want to talk to me. Nobody wanted to talk to me. You lost your father too. Everything just started piling up and piling up and piling up and piling up. I gave up. When did you overdose? May.

I just like lost my shit, man. September 18th, someone gave me a bag of fentanyl when it was supposed to be cocaine. Was it somebody you trusted or you just got it from a dealer? I said, make a phone call, do me a favor, da-da-da. And she's like, okay. I vouch for him. I said, okay. I died in a restaurant in Florida. I was dead. Intervated for three days. No one in my family came to the hospital and I spent nine days there.

Learning how to walk again. That was it for me. I said, okay. You did a line of the stuff and how long? I don't remember anything. You don't? Okay, so you did a- Three days are wiped from my brain. Literally, you just, that was it. You didn't feel anything. I don't know. I don't know what happened at all. I don't remember anything. And why did nobody from your family come see you? They were just all mad. They said I wasn't going to make it. And my family didn't want to. They just couldn't do it. They just couldn't do it. I mean, and I don't blame them. I don't. I put them through hell.

Hell, I put them through.

I was so wrapped up in wrestling or whatever that I just, I didn't enjoy myself as a child. And when I was in school, I got bullied. You know, we talked about earlier, it was good having that family, but in school, it was rough. My mom actually went missing for six months when I was a kid too. And when I was in school, people would bully me for that. And I remember I got kicked out because I beat the shit out of this girl because she said something about my mom. And so when she was on the toilet, she was taking a shit. But I kicked in the door and I was swinging on her with her fucking trousers down to her ankles and stuff like that. I love how violent you are. I was spitting on her. I was like, you fucker piece of shit.

Why did mom disappear for six months? She had a mental breakdown. So my mom, when she was younger, she was also abused by her stepdad. And she was also gangbanged. And so she went through a really tough time. And her family ditched her. They didn't believe her. And my dad did, though. He was just like, come here. And he took care of her. But she had a really, really tough time getting over that. I don't think that's something you'll ever get over.

No, you don't. I think it kind of takes a piece of you and you just... Exactly. It just learns to feel different. Yeah. And she had like an eating disorder along with it. So whenever she, you know, she's feeling bad, all the weight just drops off. She stops eating completely and she gets so sick that she can barely walk around. What was the light at the end of the tunnel up for you? What was the final straw that, you know, those tapes came out. You said you tried to commit suicide on FaceTime with your mom and thank God it didn't work. But...

In that moment that you're thinking about taking your life, was that the moment that you were like, something's got to give, I have to change? Actually, no, it wasn't that moment. I was still really low. It took a while still to get over that, but I remember going into a grocery store and my hair was matted. I was trying to cover it with a cap, you know, and...

Again, really skinny. I was in the liquor aisle and this little girl came past and she just thought I was this fucking Wonder Woman superhero. Like she was just, she hadn't read the internet. She's too young. You know, she just looks at me as Paige at the time, you know, and she thought I was just the coolest thing since sliced bread. I realized at that moment, because I always thought that role models were perfect, right? But they're not.

- Role model is not perfect. The thing that makes you a role model is the fact that you fuck up, but you end up getting out of it and going on the other side and like, you know, take an ownership of that and kind of helping people get through those kinds of things, you know? - Absolutely, that gave me goosebumps. - I look at this little girl and she's looking up at me, not knowing like anything that's going on in the world, but she just thinks I'm the coolest thing ever, you know? And it kind of like makes me think about that. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing?

head with waking up one day with the person you don't want to be with and the switch kind of flip on there being like what the fuck am I doing and everything just starts like falling into place it was so weird it all happened like very suddenly like everything was just like flip flip it was like an epiphany yeah I'm like what the fuck is happening I woke up one day like that and then I called WWE and they bought my flight and took me back to Florida and took care of me and I got back into training training again and then I start wrestling again and it was like this

big moment and then bam, my neck gets kicked and I have to retire. Much stronger mentally that everyone was really worried like, oh my God, she's going to fucking freak out again. I was at such a good stage in my life at that point coming out of it. I was like, I'm never going to hit that rock bottom again. You learned your lesson. Yeah. That's the most important part I think of fucking up. It's okay to fuck up, but learn your fucking lesson and don't fucking let yourself become that person again. I knew things were going on. I, you know, there were,

You always know when they're cheating. Yeah, you always know. It's never fucking not noticeable. But I remember I met him at the Hilton at Universal. And I just was like, do you want this anymore? He's like, I'm going to go to New York. I'm going to go do Letterman. And when I come back, we're going to start fresh. He's like, I want you and the baby. You're my girls. We're going to start. He's like, go buy some art for the house. Go get some new things for the house. And when I come back, we're going to start fresh. And I was like, OK.

that was like on a friday do you think he really genuinely in that moment meant that or do you think he was pacifying the situation because he wanted to avoid confrontation i'll never know you'll never know i'll never know i was in our home our mansion in bel air my mother was there my girlfriend and we were watching the latin grammy awards they were like oscar de la joya is about to hit the red carpet and meanwhile i'm calling him like hey honey did you get home all right we all looked at each other like oscar de la joya's on the red carpet like what the the

fuck is he doing there this and it's in LA you know so we're like wait what and they go to a commercial break what is he doing there why the fuck am I not there like what's happened comes back and there he is holding hands with his now ex-wife Millie and I just was like next day they had a lawyer come to the house and say you and the baby need to you know need to move out you know this is so crazy this he wanted to meet me and so I went and I met him like the next day and I and he and it was the first time I'd seen him since how long uh

after it was about a month since the latin grammy awards okay gotcha like i don't want to legally go after you like can we like can you help me like i don't know what i'm gonna do like where am i gonna live like he goes you know you already took me to court for child support and i'm not happy about that and he goes and if you sue me for palimony he goes i'm not gonna see you or the baby till she's 16 years old it was like no fucking way no way would you do that and he goes i've had i have more money than god don't be too hard on me

And he left. That gave me goosebumps, dude. And he fucking left. And I sat in that car. I'm going to cry thinking about it. I sat in the car and I cried for like, fuck, man. And I just was like, there's no way. But he didn't see the baby until she was about 16 years old. Wow.

Yeah. He didn't. My heart just dropped. My mom told me that I was born into just a bunch of Kentucky white trash witches. There was like seven of them and they were just like all had gifts. They all were like spiritual. Yeah. She, you got from her. There's something hidden about it. There's a tie to your family and it's kind of,

forgive me for saying this, it's connected to war back in the time. So when you say warrior, but it's connected to like American war. And I almost want to say in the Appalachians, your family was connected to that. So there's hierarchy in the family unit and then your mother's side cast out over here.

I'm getting that. And it makes her nervous that you're going to find this out because it's going to kind of undermine who you thought you were. Not the witch part. That's probably why you were pushed over here. It's not what you think. She was hidden. Your mom was hidden. So they didn't tell her the full truth. Even if they told her truth, it was bits and pieces and not fully true. Can I stop finding out shit about my weird ass fucking family?

this life. I'm so tired of it. You have guides around you and you have a lot of people. You have like wild lifetimes with very indigenous people. So meaning you have that in your background as well. So there's like lineage all the way. You have a lot of people around you, like from many, many, obviously it's many lifetimes because it wouldn't be in the most recent three that you've been that. He manifested, I think it was Elvis's birthday. Somebody emailed me the other night. I was talking about this. So I have like your sets, like a

couch that was behind me and it had a blue throw on it it was in my other studio they're all crying over here it made me cry too I am I'm sorry no don't apologize for being vulnerable it's yeah it's the the one way to get at me is to say something about my kids Keithy came through so I was sitting and the the two chairs were behind me and people started going look look what's happened

behind you so i turn i can't see anything because the lights in my face and i don't see anything they're like there's the face there's the face and i'm like i'm live streaming so i can hear them i mean see the thing and i'm like oh it's got to be jim morrison i'm screwing around i have a picture it's keith's profile

from his picture. Someone took a picture of me with it behind it and attached Keith's face beside it to show that like he manifests, he manifests all the time. So I get comfort in that. Although I'll tell you as a medium who's lived through this, I still want my son here. There is nothing you can tell a mother or a person who's lost somebody else.

That makes him feel better. So I don't even think I make people feel better when I tell them if I tell him I because I miss my son. So you can tell me stuff. Doesn't matter. I want my Keith here. I think your soul is always going to ache for him. But it has brought me so many lovely people who so many people reached out. Oh, my God, I was dying. Like, so you were doing fighting, you were doing Playboy, and you're also dealing with an abusive relationship.

Yes. An extremely abusive relationship. You told me one day we're going to laugh about him. And it was so hard to even think about that because I thought the pain would never go away. I thought I would never get away from him. Came into my life. Good looking dude. Good looking. Little rich boy. He slowly started verbally abusing me. And then he started putting his hands on me. The worst beatings I've ever had in my whole life have not been in a ring. It was from that man. He chipped my teeth, grabbed me one time, even on my chest, and squeezed so hard that it looked like my implant.

I popped. I had to go to the doctor. It was completely black. Left a handprint on me. I remember that. He threw me out of a car. Did degrading stuff to me. Got me on the ground. Was beating me up. Elijah had to jump on him when he was like five years old. My son had to see this man abuse me because I thought that that was normal because the way I grew up.

And it wasn't. And that is not normal. And it was crazy because from the outside looking in, you would think that you guys had the perfect relationship of what was going on because everything was like, you know, you guys had a beautiful house, drove nice cars. You were in Playboy. You're fucking, you know, fighting in the ring. And then behind closed doors, this is what's really going on. You were living an absolute nightmare.

I don't know how many times I had to go over there because he was doing something fucking weird man. This dude was so sick mentally that he would try to manipulate our friendship. He said that I fucking sucked him off one time. He wanted to make me think that nobody was there for me and I had nobody on my side because that's what abusers do. It was sick like that there was no...

links that this man wouldn't go to to try to control you isolate you from everybody around you i've got to get her out of the situation but really nobody could get you out of that situation until you were ready to get out of that situation because it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship well we were also using a lot of drugs back then well cocaine is a hell of a drug right we partook in a lot do you remember that one time i overdosed on glass at ben's house ben the paint hover

huffer oh we were just talking about me my dad we're just talking about him we had started partying at such a young age that as we got older the problem with vegas is and i mean i love vegas i always have a love for it because that's what that was our hometown but going to the bar and having 10 drinks and doing a eight ball of cocaine as normal behavior every night it's like if i that's how in vegas that's it's normalized yeah so we thought this was just a lifestyle

We didn't think that it was a habit, you know, whereas I found out down the road later on that I had a fucking habit, you know, I don't know about you. Well, yeah, I mean, people were drinking and partying in my family and they were popping pills. And it's like somebody was handing me a joint from a young age. And because of that, it caused me to have a problem. So I thought it was normal. And then by the time I realized it wasn't, it was too late.

I'm lucky to be alive. We are lucky to be alive. Oh, for sure. Because that was rough. You know, I couldn't imagine my kids doing that. We were just talking about that before the mics were going on. And I was like, I think of how Bailey is 16 and how I had already been gone away from home for two years at her age. And it's fucking wild. You know, it's like...

I would never want her to have to go through what I went through, but it's just like a different generation type thing that we just really experienced so much so early on. But I'm glad that we are where we are now because at least we found our way out of it. Some people don't find their way out of it. Can we circle back to your son that you just lost in 2023? Can we talk about that and what happened?

If I don't get emotional. He wanted to go home. He said he wanted to be with God. That we could happen. I was in Detroit. He was in L.A. And he called me and said, I need to see you. And I said, well, I'll be there tomorrow. And I flew to L.A. We spent the most beautiful time together. Just him and I. We talked and we ate and we laughed and we had a great time. So I left on a Friday. I said, make a promise that we would never go a day without speaking. He said, okay. You know, I'm not thinking like that. I said, okay. I got home. I said,

Called him. I said, I made it. He said, okay, talk to you tomorrow. Saturday came. Didn't talk to him. You know, still didn't think nothing of it. Sunday came. I was calling him. Didn't talk to him. I panicked automatically. I said, God, this is not supposed to happen. We supposed to talk every day. Something is wrong. Something is wrong. Calling his wife, which I never do. Where's Jason? I haven't heard from him. And she said, well, he's okay. He's at home. He's

He's just going through a lot. And I said, well, what is he going through? You know, we were talking, we were chatting. I said, I'm about to run in Starbucks. I'll call you back. So about time I got my Starbucks, got back in the car, called it back. And she was like, he's gone. I said, who's gone? I said, Jay's gone. I'm like, gone where? She said, he's gone. Just. So he took his own life. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. Just that fast.

So let's circle back to when you guys did get indicted. How much time did you get? How much time did your son get? And how much time did Terry get? I got 57 months. My son got 11 years. One of my nephews got eight years. One got nine years. One got 11 and one got 13. Terry got 30 years. He came home on the CARES Act. But Demetrius is not home. You spoke a lot about being in prison, what you had to do, how you had a change of heart. And in prison, it was pretty much like

your lowest. That's your lowest. Like I said, stripped of everything. This is my time to reflect on how did I get here? I walked on that yard. I was in the middle of a sandstorm and I looked up at the sky and I told God, please help me. Why am I here? Please change me. Let me figure out why I'm here. I knew God. We called on God all the time. You know, when you're in the streets, you probably, God, let me get through this. Okay, God, I'm, I'm out, you know,

One more time. One more time. You know, you got all those drugs. You driving or you doing something. Come on, God. Thank you, God. I'm blessing him for the wrong things, you know.

And when I end up in prison, I realized that I had to call on him much more than I ever had to call on him in my life. Once I was in prison, I was alone. No matter how many women were around me, I felt alone. And I had to call on this man and get on my knees and call on him like I'd never called on him before. Remember that I'm saying this? There's some acknowledgement around a Frank that comes through. Just remember that I'm saying that. There's some significance. Usually who they are, who they're with, they're somebody. Mm-hmm.

But there is an acknowledgement there. You have some people who are not family who pop through. What up, homies? It's probably some of the homies that have passed over. I think so. I see some symbology around marriage, union, joy, happy for you.

The way I would word this, if there's anybody who you feel has passed who loved you a hell of a lot and maybe could have seen a romantic future, but it wasn't the right time or the right place, just remember that I'm saying this. Probably my ex, Tony. I think that guy wants you to know how proud of you he is and that he, when he comes across, acknowledges an awareness and existence in your relationship and that you deserved more than he was able to give at that time.

Anybody got a Frank? If anybody's got a Frank in the building. Who's got a Frank? Frank is one of my ex-boyfriends, but he's still alive. He's still with us. Tony, so my ex, I was actually pregnant with his child. I lost his baby, but we were young. Young, young, young. But when I ran away from home, he was my boyfriend and my protector. And he actually...

always loved me and we just, oh my gosh, okay, so I know how it came into play. Oh my God, it just hit me right now. When Tony was dying, I was with Frankie and we went to his bedside and I could see Tony. I knew he was already dead. My ex had smoked fake weed and it sent him into cardiac arrest and he died. Oh my God, that can happen.

He didn't die automatically, but he went into a coma. He had a heart attack, went into a coma. And I went to go see him. And I remember I held his hand. And when I was holding his hand, I could see him standing, looking at me in the corner of the room. And I even looked at my ex, Frankie, at the time. And I was like...

He's dead. I was like, he's not coming back. He's in the corner of the room right now looking at us. I need you to tell the bully story because this is like something out of a fucking movie. It kind of took my breath away because I could visualize it. I'm such a visual person. - So when I was in middle school, I was bullied relentlessly. There was an instance where there was this kid who used to beat me up pretty regularly. He and a number of his friends had watched me go into the school bathroom alone.

And I didn't realize at the time, but I was washing my hands and my hands were wet. And I heard the door open from behind me. And when I looked, I realized he and about three other people came in. And as they rushed in, they blocked the door. They were going to beat up our little Tyler. I know, this little...

What? You're really going to take me out? Like, come on. That's low hanging fruit, baby. The bullies, they blocked the door. I'm so excited. Come over here. I'm excited. And this weird instinctual thing came over me. I don't know if it was a defense mechanism or what, but I made eye contact with him. And as I did, I just said, your aunt knows that you were crying with your dad last night and you need to leave me alone.

And I just said it point blank. And as I said this, his friends looked at him. He looked at them. And I always say faster than you can say gay. They were like out of that bathroom. It took off running because his friends didn't know what was going on. But his aunt had passed. And what was crazy is the night before he'd been crying in his dad's arms about that loss. And it was actually a very humbling moment. It scared the crap out of him. But it, for me, really helped both protect me. And years later, he reached out and actually thanked me.

Because you taught him probably a lesson there that he was taking his anger and his hurt out on somebody else. That's very true. That's amazing. It was really fascinating and kind of an interesting moment of growth for both of us. Do you guys really think Drake has had a BBL? Yes. Definitely. Really? Them abs came out of nowhere. I didn't see them posted. I've never seen him with his shirt off. I've never looked though either. Yeah, he posted something with his shirt off. I feel like it was like right off the table. So you think he's had abs sketching? I think so.

I would get abs sketching. I'm not judging them at all. I would do it too. Yeah. Well, I've had it done. Really? Really? I know a lot of girls who've had it. My doctor does abs sketching. Hella good. But I didn't get abs sketching. Love it. I'll show you guys my stomach whenever I stand up. Oh my God. I remember this. I knew there was one girl who went and got abs sketching and

freaking mexico and she came back looking like superman that she was terrible that's that's a bit much yeah it was bad like a six pack is too much a four pack is cool just like a little yeah just that's what i did i just did a little chiseling and that's it yeah that's cute like i did this in 2015 though before everybody and their mom was doing it so i didn't even know what the fuck my doctor was doing he's like yeah just go ahead yeah i'm just like just make me look good please