Mod Sun: Running From Authority
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I freaking love you, dude. Thank you so much. You guys are my babies for life, my writers. If I could, I would literally make out with each and every one of you. I love you guys so much. And that's a lot of kisses, actually. Gotta go back. Is this thing on? Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker, now hosts the podcast, Dumb Blonde. Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and shit. And I was like, I want to be super hot, make a lot of fucking money, and be a rock star's wife. That was my goal as a child. And here we are. Let's do that.

You're like hot uncle.

Right? Am I wrong here? - I like that, I like that. Am I wrong, people in the room? - Are we wrong? Are we wrong here? - Okay, cool, cool. We're on the same page. - I'm so happy to have you here. - Thank you. - This has been a long time coming. - Yeah, it has. - I slid in your DMs like two years ago. - Yeah. - And thankfully you didn't reply because-- - I know, I know. This is the time I was supposed to have you. - I swear to God, it really is the time I was supposed to have you. - But I really saw the DM like,

three weeks ago and immediately was like, all right, I missed this one. If you ever want to do it again, I would love to. No, and I'm just so happy to have you here. And why I did is because I listened to your podcast, just outside of it. That really makes me happy. It makes me so happy when I have men tell me they listen to the podcast because that means a lot to me because I have such a huge female following. So when I get the men that are like, yeah, I listen to your podcast, I'm like, dude, can I hug you? Because it's like so sweet. I mean,

your conversations are just like natural conversations. Do you have mostly female guests? Is it? No, I mean, I do have a ton of female guests, but I love, you know, having men on too. So it's like, it's a variety, but definitely probably more female dominated. But I think it's because of my platform and just who I am. I just have a more female fan base. Even when I was doing it, you're like, uh, you're like the super power female. That's like,

says be like confident in yourself no matter what. I appreciate it. And like fights back against people that talk shit. I love that. It's exhausting sometimes. I even told them, I was like. It's such a good, it's such a good message to send though. Not being like, I'm going to talk shit back to you, but just being like, yo, this whole thinking that you can't have your word against someone that's talking shit because you're a notable person.

And oh, if I say the wrong thing, this and that, like that's like a whole wall that needs to be broken down right now. I really needed to hear this. Don't you think so though? I swear to God, that's why I'm fighting the good fight. So many people, like I'm in a good place right now. I feel like I have my light back around me, right? You look so happy. Thank you. Thank you. I am happy. I feel this is the most secure I've felt like in my skin as well in years and years and years. But there was a time where it wasn't like that. But then there was also this time where like,

I don't know when it happened, but for some reason I got in my head like, oh, like, do I have to like worry about saying the wrong thing or being a certain person or all that stuff? Like, and that's why when you have this like message of like, I will say my opinion back to you regardless of who I am or how many people follow me.

That's like... These are messages for the youth that they need to understand that. You know? For sure. 100%. And sometimes I get caught up in the... Am I doing the right thing or should I not say this? But I feel like as... I don't like to call myself a celebrity. You're a celebrity. But as people in the public eye, it's like...

We're told that we're not allowed to talk back to people. It's like no don't say this don't say and it's like why why are people allowed to bully? And that's why this problem has gotten so bad online. That's why it was because what they always tell you if somebody abuses you don't stay silent and

But yet the first thing they tell you whenever somebody abuses you online is stay silent. Yeah. Like what are we talking about here? This is like mixed messages. I mean, my favorite times of being myself is when those thoughts never entered my head. The second they did, I felt like I was so fake. I felt so fake and not me. Do you feel like you've been silenced because of your celebrity?

Well, yeah, I mean, to a certain extent. Yeah, 100%. Or just even just thoughts of being like, don't put yourself. So like, I've gone through things where I have put myself in the position to kind of speak my half of things, you know, especially with past relationships, right? That bleed into the public eye. I have had a relationship where I was like, no, this and saying my word back.

And then it being like something that follows you forever and becomes a narrative. And then I've had situations in the last couple of years where it was like, I didn't even stand up for myself. And like, those things are just like, okay, understand. Yeah. Like my sister's my PR person. So she's like PR crisis. You know, is she a pit bull? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. She's, she's my older sister. That'll she fights for me. Um, but anytime that,

I found any one of my great moments that people will come up and tell me affected them in a great way are always me having no thought of that.

No thought of that. And I'm not saying like, go make yourself look bad. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Not saying say some wild shit at 2.30 a.m. that you wouldn't say the next morning. I mean, I've done that a few times. I am guilty. I almost did it last night. You're awesome for what you do. Okay. And like, just as myself, I have felt inauthentic before. And those moments like really...

I let myself down, you know? And like where I'm at at this point in my life, I'm like, okay, I remember who I am. Like I remember who I am. I am 37 years old. Just age in music, right? We love Jelly because he really puts it on the line. Daddy roll. He gives us daddy roll. Yeah. Daddy roll, man. He like gives this whole real talk about what it is. It's like...

Be so proud of your story. Do not try to hide it. Do not try to keep up with the other people and this and that. Wear it and be it and love it and be proud of it. That's what creates the light around you. I've felt my shit dim. I've felt it dim. And in the last year, I had to just reorganize my life, get back to just being in love with myself.

How did you do that? What were like some steps? Cause I know you went through a really tough breakup and we can talk about that. We can touch on it now or later on whenever you're comfortable with it. But I remember seeing a video of you on stage after that breakup and it broke my heart for you because I could tell you were holding in so much. And I think right at, right in that moment, I just felt so much love for you because I was like, damn, I was like, this man is literally wearing his heart on his sleeve in front of hundreds and

thousands of people each night like this is tough dude so how did you go from being on that stage to finding yourself that was definitely like an like an authentic moment again i'm glad that you say that because that was a moment of like true authenticity you know like we went through this breakup while i'm on tour bled out in front of the world going on stage every night

It's like my biggest song is with her and it's my song. I know. So I had to really be like, okay, like, yeah, this is the hardest thing, but it's my song. Like, I'm not going to deny myself of that, you know? Yeah. And so I'm going to keep playing it. Yeah. It's hard as hell to play and hear that voice every night, but I'm going to keep playing because that's my song. Yeah. And so, I mean, that kind of started this whole spiral of being like,

From there, it was very, you know, I would have to, like, do a meet and greet every day and kind of, like, fake a smile. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's fine, you know. Not, like, just completely just being in shambles in front of people. Like, still being like, all right, I'm a warrior, you know. Yeah. But so, like, I went on that tour and came home and had to, like, reorganize my life completely and just, like,

environment so important like your I love to say this about people because I clearly look different than I did a year ago you know what I'm saying I love the dark hair by the way I I do too I love it I love it yeah and like just you saying that like again we've been told certain rules that are so backwards we're told like materialism is wrong right okay I'm talking like

If you really in your heart believe that like a great outfit won't make you feel better about yourself, you're tripping. No, it does. You're tripping. Yeah. But we're told like, no, no, no, no, don't. Or you're told like your appearance, your appearance. Like I changed my appearance. I go out and people be like, dude, you look better than you've ever looked. That makes me feel great. That helps me feel secure. Right. It's like these things that are that are just these little building blocks that like

you've kind of been told are not the way right like a simple thing you have to break down what it is to you but for me i've just figured out recently like what is happiness duh the most cliche thing ever what is happiness yeah i figured out what it is to me it's something to look forward to that's it all this all this like be present be in the moment all that is like

Get it. Love it. Thank you, Deepak Chopra-isms. I love it. Give it to me. I get bored. Like, I need to know what the next hurdle is. I want to wake up and have something to look forward to. That makes me happy. It doesn't need to be some, like, career-driven goal. It doesn't need to be anything ridiculous. It can be something so simple as, like, I wake up and, like, I love the first picture that I have hanging on my wall in my room.

And that like makes me want to get up. It can be also something giant. I have something to look forward to. Let me create something to look forward to. Whatever it is, you know? And it's like, once I realized that 37 years old into my life, you know what I'm saying? It was just like, boom, that that's what it is to me, you know? And just realizing that there's these little things that are okay with me

utilizing in your life, like changing your appearance, changing your environment, building things to look forward to, obviously keeping great people around you that give you the hard talks, the hardest talks.

are the ones that make your life easy. The uncomfortable ones, but those, those are, you have to be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations. That's what me and my husband always say. I love that. I love that. You really do because I mean, life's not always fucking cherries and fucking unicorns. Sometimes it's buttholes and cigarette butts, you know, like we don't,

Life's not always a fucking bundle of joy. So you have to be comfortable being able to be like, hey, you know, kind of looking within and having uncomfortable conversations with yourself. Like, what do I need to change to make myself happy? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I really like dove into that in the last year and like focused on that and that only. And, um,

Finding things that were like missing in my life. Yeah. You know, really, really applying those, you know, like as a musician. Doing the work. A hundred percent. Yeah. I think that's a huge thing because it sounds to me like you're doing the work. A lot of people are like looking for happiness, but they don't want to go find it. They want it to come to them. And it's like, no, you got to get the fuck up. Yeah. Go find it.

go chase that shit. And push yourself and it can be something so simple. Like when you, when, when people hear these talks, like a lot of the time they're human condition is like jump to something like gigantic. Right. Or like build a goal. That's like a year from now goal. Right. You know, not unattainable, but at that moment. Yeah. Right. Yeah. A hundred percent. It's like, dude, build a goal for yourself for the next six hours. Like,

Eat healthy for a day. Yes. You know, like, it can be so tiny. Discipline. Listen to a record you haven't heard. Yeah, exactly. It's so good. I am in, what is it, the sixth today? The seventh? So three, four. Today's Cinco de Mayo, isn't it? No, that was yesterday. Damn, we missed it. So five days from now, I'll hit five years sober, right? Yay! And why, I know, it's really, I'm really like,

That's amazing. Let's definitely dive into your sobriety. I would love to. I would love to. And like, just piggybacking off that though, like what's so great is like another tip or advice or stance on life is like,

Drug addicts, whether you're a recovered drug addict or currently in a battle, just know you have the greatest discipline in the world. To wake up and get fucked up every day takes discipline. Dedication. To go meet the plug in a random parking lot at 2 a.m., that is dedication.

discipline. Yeah. And I'm just like, holy shit. And to feel like shit every day afterwards, like, you know, and have to have that fix. Yes. If you can do those things, you can get a six pack in six months. You know what I'm saying? You can do all these things. You can get that job that you want and you can go through all. Nothing can stop you. No.

I have drug addict discipline. You know? And like, I hold that anytime I like talk to like addicts and shit like that. I'm just always like, yo, just know you, you could become president. Yeah. You could take over the world with your discipline. If they just put that channel, that energy into something that's constructive. It's so powerful. Yeah. It really is. It's a crazy way of looking at it, but it's facts. It's so true. Literally, it's facts. Yo, there's, I look at like people that are just like so down and out. I'm like, yo, just know you could take over the world.

over the fucking world. I love you. You are the type of motivational speaker that a motherfucker needs though because they'll listen to you because you have such a cool way of saying it. So people are kind of like truth bombs or like going off in their head and they're like, holy shit, yeah, that makes total sense. 100%. And if you can also just get away from the whole like,

positive speaking Google search sentences and be like, all right, let's remove all those weighted words and just like say the thing you're trying to say. Like Charles Bukowski is my favorite writer of all time. He would always be like, you have no guts if you're turning a sentence into a paragraph. Like stop with all that. The wind blew through the window sill at night while I was, the twilight was glowing through the sheets of my room. It's like, bro,

You found happiness looking out the window while the moon was out. That is so real. It's like, which sentence do you want to read? That's so real, though, because what did you just say? Say that again for me so that I can remember it. I don't even. Oh, the paragraph. You just turned a sentence. You have no guts if you're turning a sentence into a paragraph. I love that. That's going to be my new fucking motto. Yeah, it's real. You do that. I do. You are like straight to the point.

Oh, no. I tell paragraphs. No, I tell paragraphs. You think I'm looking at you going, you do. You're a paragraph person. No. No, I am. I feel like I am. I'm not saying talking a lot. I'm saying you say it how it is. That's essentially what it is. It's like being like, stop trying to fill this whole thing with all these isms and all these blown out ideas. It's like you say it how it is. Trust me. I love you. I needed you here today, Maude. I am a viewer. I am like...

objectively, is it objectively from the outside or subjectively? I don't know. Here I am again. - Subjectively possibly? - Didn't go to-- - I'm not sure, listen, I didn't graduate ninth grade. - We'll go with objectively and if we're wrong, it's all good. - It's all right. - I am from the outside looking in, I watch you and I do have a good opinion of that. Like you say it how it is. - I appreciate you so much.

Speaking of some crazy shit that I discovered whenever, we're going to take it all the way back. You're like a farm boy from Minnesota. Let's talk about this because you have like a really crazy childhood story. I do. I really love my story. It's actually really cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've lived many lives and I totally just like, I love it so much. I've never been the one to be like,

Does that I'm in LA? Should I tell people I'm LA or this and that? It's like, I'm Minnesota. Midwest Minnesota. I grew up on a farm. A farm with no animals. My parents were...

Absolutely. They were the animals. So I heard that your mom was a cheerleader and your dad was a biker. Yeah. Like your mom was a cheerleader in high school. Yes, yes. He literally married the bad boy. Oh, 100%. 100%. For good and bad. I got a lot of my dad's good qualities and like all of my mom's good qualities. So I kind of won with that. No, my mom was like cheerleader, biker.

straight A student. My dad was like kicked out of Catholic school and had to go to this other school and like pulled up, beat up my mom's boyfriend at the time and like threw her on the back of his bike. It was like your mind.

Yeah. That's my kind of guy. No, no, literally a hundred percent. Yeah. A lot of girls at home are like, that's hot. And he was, I'm telling you, I know. And when I say like threw her on the back of my bike, like take it however you want it. Like that is my dad is like, he was, he was the real deal. He was one of one. There's this quote from fear and loathing in Las Vegas. That's, uh,

too weird to live too rare to die that was my dad he couldn't get his together but he was so rare that like we had to have him here yeah you know and um yeah so we we grew up on like

like a giant, like, what would you say? Like five acres. Sorry. I'm talking off camera to my sister. She's like five acres in the middle of Minnesota. Like I go back to this town. It still hasn't changed a bit. It's so small. And, uh, I actually have this great conversation with someone last night that also like grew up in the middle of nowhere, but it's like from age zero to six, no neighbors, no friends, only my sister.

Who older sister, it takes a long time for your older sister to like you. Yeah. Trust me, I'm an older sister. I get it. And we'll get to this too. But my sister was the, like my mom, the cheerleader straight A student. This one right here? Yes. Yes. Yes. So we were total opposites in so many ways.

But one, zero to six, grew up on a farm, no friends, total just imagination. What was life like with your parents? Were they pretty stable or were they just? No, not at all. Take me on that journey. I mean, my mom was the definition like of an angel, like just, just trying to caring about kind of zooming out and looking forward and being like,

my kids shouldn't see or hear or know about things that are going on, you know? But my dad literally would have his girlfriends calling the house, being like, and my sister would answer the phone and be like, he, like my sister's like nine, like,

You know what I'm saying? Like, like that was the first time I heard curse words was my sister. Like, I love that sister was rowdy at nine though, to stick up for mom. Hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. And like, I mean, also my sister was like the bartender. My sister was like making them gin and tonics and old fashions at nine years old. Yeah. Yeah. I,

I was literally my favorite picture of when I was a kid was me like drinking a Pabst at like fucking four years old. First of all, iconic. Secondly, that's crazy. Like band slip-ons. My dad's like posted. I'm like drinking a Pabst, like literally. Oh my goodness. So you guys grew up rock and roll. A hundred percent. That's how I grew up too. And we grew up.

like 10 minutes from Bob Dylan's farm in Minnesota, who's my favorite artist of all time, Minnesota white, yeah. And so it was all rock and roll. It was all like, you listen to the Allman Brothers, you're either a Dylan guy or a Beatles guy. We are Dylan people, like, and the band, and it was music all the time. I love that.

And motorcycles, like my mom and dad rode motorcycles. Like my first scar that I still have on my leg is falling off my dad's bike when I was four years old and burning my leg on a thousand degree exhaust pipe. You know, it was wild. It was wild for Minnesota. Like I know when people have this picture of Minnesota in their head, they're not thinking like this. This is what it was like growing up there for me, you know? And, but I, but what stuck with me the most through those,

I don't even know if you call one through six formative years, but they were so much for me. Okay. Yeah. Great. Thank you. Because I, it, it made me who I am. Yeah. I am permanently in my own world, in my own imagination because I had all this space and no friends and no neighbors and no nothing. So I was in my head all day running around this field of,

pretending I was whatever superhero or a spy or any of those things and I've never left that world ever once I've like I think that's there I think that's part of your childlike charisma you know like you have this like um just sweet wonder about you and I even told Jay that I was like he I was like he's just so sweet you know and I now I understand where you get it from I

from there thank you you're welcome it's horrible everyone you raise your threshold for compliments to not immediately throw someone back at other people yes i won't let you just say thank you i tell this to all people i'm like raise your threshold like i gave you a compliment don't just give me one back just be like damn thanks like mod is dropping gems guys i hope you're fucking listening i needed you today because i had a horrible day yesterday and today this is

Well, let's get into that too at some point. No, we're not here to talk about me. Because we're going to flip this and be like, welcome to dumb brown hair. We're going to...

No, we're not doing it. So I wanted to circle back on the Bob Dylan thing that you had said. And I wanted to tell you something that you might actually enjoy. My husband is a huge Bob Dylan fan. Loves Bob Dylan. His son, Noah, was actually born to like a Rolling Stone. And I know that's your favorite Bob Dylan song. So when I heard that, I was like, oh my God, this is like kindred souls. It's crazy. I so can tell the...

Jelly Roll fan and Bob. Like, I can so see it. Oh, he just went and saw him at, where were we? In Austin. What's it called? The whole big fucking festival they have out there? The, Austin City Women's or something like that. Yeah. He went and saw Bob Dylan. I was like, did you record it? And he was like, no. It's like, yo, again, it's like the great, I tell every artist, there's so many artists that are so lost right now, especially the younger ones, that,

have had a different upbringing and a different kind of world of being an artist. You know, I grew up as an artist pre-internet, pre-having a studio in your house. Where you had to actually work. Pre-laptop and Pro Tools. Like, this was like the growing up with instruments set up in your garage and every day after school you came and jammed with your friends and if your friend didn't show up, you couldn't jam. You know what I'm saying? Right. Like, I grew up in that world. I grew up in the back of vans, playing shows for free, sleeping on people's floors, all that. Right.

The world that it's in now is shifted in a lot of different ways. And a lot of artists get really lost because they'll have these giant peaks and valleys. My whole thing was like just a giant, like slow lift, right? And there's so many. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And there's so many for young artists, peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. And it gets hard. And I'm like, yo, study. I don't care if you hate Bob Dylan's voice. I don't give a fuck. Just study his career. Like this is a man.

that was slated as the voice of a generation, him and an acoustic guitar and a harmonica. The second that he was at his peak of this voice of a generation, he grabbed an electric guitar, showed up to Newport Jazz Festival, the first electric performance ever at Newport Jazz Festival, got booed offstage for a year after that, played like a Rolling Stone to his concerts, and got booed by his biggest fans.

And never stop playing the song. And it is now regarded as like the top greatest song ever written. And like, that is like believing in what you're doing and not putting the control in the hands of the audience of telling you that it's great or telling that it's successful. And then as soon as they loved him being electric, he went and made a country album. They hated it. Soon as they loved that, he went and made a blues record. They hate it. Soon as they love that gospel record, soon as they love that jet, it's like, dude just was like,

never are you in control of my success and who I am. And I follow my instincts and follow my guts. Also a guy who disappeared for 10 years and came back and dropped what I think is his greatest record of all time, Blood on the Tracks. Like it's just the greatest mentality for an artist to be in, to not think that like. Not be put in a box. Oh, they're going to forget me.

Oh, they're going to forget about me. If I don't post today, they're going to forget about me. If I don't drop a song right now, they're going to forget about it. It's like, man, just like create art as if you're already dead and gone.

and it'll be the best start of your life. - That's amazing. I love that you tell young artists to go and study Bob Dylan. My husband did that on his "Goodnight Nashville" album. We watched every Bob Dylan documentary that you could fucking find, and he just consumed Bob Dylan for like months. It was wild, and it was the best thing he ever did. Now look what he's doing. You can't put him in a box.

we love you so much. What you're saying is real though. Like you told, you tell people to go and study him and that, you know, he's one of your favorite artists and like my husband too. And look what he's doing. And it's regardless of the music. It's like study the path that he took as an artist. You know, it's like my, I learned a quote cause I've been like a,

I've been chasing art and I'm talking like the facets of art, like painters. I've been studying painters. I study the lives of people, you know? I've been studying painters since I was a very young kid. And when I heard the quote at like 13 years old, that was like, a great artist reinvents themselves every 10 years, right?

And like that's their periods, you know, as an as a painter, you have like periods like, you know, you have the blue period or the abstract period and like all these people like lived by that. And I put that into like my life as a musician. It was like the first 10 years of my career as a musician, I was a drummer, you know.

And then my bands were doing good. Like my dreams were coming true and I felt something that I had to do and completely abandoned all comfort and

and went back to ground zero and was like i am mod sun now i am going movement on dream stand on and on i'm starting this new thing and i did 10 years as a rapper calling what i did hippie hop and making positive rap music that like this was before kendrick lamar did like i love myself like yeah we had day lost all and we had like more like positive kind of hip-hop but like in that term it was like i want to make hip-hop based around the secret and the law of attraction right which was like

It was not, it was goofy. You know, it was like, it was an idea that people were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I was like, I'm pushing through this. I did 10 years of that. Then I did like a 10 year stint of being like back into my more like alt and, you know, really high register belting. And then I'm in this like 10 year phase right now. That's like, so, so raw. And it's finally out. Like I was about to take three years off of music. I went back to Minnesota in August of this last year and,

And I was like, I'm just going to paint and write scripts in direct for the next four years because I don't really think I have the desire to try to outdo myself. So this is when I was very lost. This was part of the being lost period that I just had. Where you had to rediscover yourself. Yeah. And I went back to Minnesota. Isn't that crazy that you went back home? Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

everything that you have accomplished when you're going through hard times, the first thing you want to do is go back to that space where you were able to just be away from everybody and isolated and just alone with your thoughts to just figure it out. - I like, I came back home from Minnesota.

And like the first song I wrote, like the end of the song is like, you're searching for a high, but you can't fly till you fall. And it funny how you find yourself once you lose it all. Home is waiting when there's nowhere left to go. You'll find love there. I hope you know. And it's like the last little part of the song. And it's like it wraps up that whole feeling of being like searching for all these things. I've fallen. That was how you fly. Isn't it funny? You can't fly till you fall. Yeah.

Like a bird has to be thrown from the nest to learn how to fly. There's more truth than poetry in that, but it is so, no, it's so real. So let's circle me back. I got you baby. Listen, my husband's a Sagittarius. I got this. Um, so, uh,

Six years old. Tell me what happens then. You're living this rock star lifestyle with your family. Mom's dad's girlfriends are calling the house. Yeah. Shit's crazy. You guys are partying. Were you were you guys exposed to drugs back then, too, and stuff? Or was it just more alcohol? She she would know better because I was I was young. Like she has more memories than I do. We talk about this all the time where she was like, yeah, I was like nine.

So there's a big difference between six and nine, you know, where it's like there's more memories. But basically what happened is like they got they got divorced and my mom was working for my my dad had a he owned a warehouse and it was a warehouse that would hold, you

things that truckers needed to come in town and pick up like parts and stuff yeah like i think it was a lot like paint based like paint for industrial stuff and uh the loosest kind of career ever like i'm talking like it was party at the warehouse you know what i'm saying but it would just be truckers pulling up to this warehouse yeah picking up stuff and my dad was a trucker before his whole life which is why i love the road so much like um he was a trucker in his early life and um

So they pulled it to their house. Anyway, my mom was working at that place with my dad. When they got divorced, my dad fired my mom. Okay. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. He fired my mom. And so my mom had no career, no money, nothing. And my mom was like, yo, you can't have, like you, like she fought for full custody. Right. She was like, no, no. Um,

And so my mom got full custody and due to that got the house that we were living in. The house wasn't paid for. My mom had no money. House got foreclosed on. Okay. So this big giant farm life that I was loving and was just like, shit, I think we're like, I think this is cool. Like we're good to go. Went to immediately like living in like a two bedroom apartment, you

We moved to the suburbs. She moved us to the suburbs. She's like, I'm going to bring you out of this farm, put you in the suburbs. We need to get you adjusted, all this. My mom went to being basically an intern at a job to...

top of the chain in like... - That's where you get your drive from. - 40 years or what, or I don't know how long it was that she worked at that job, but she retired like 10 years ago now, she's been retired, but she went from literally working for free to like top of the list, right? - Go mom, go. - Yeah, yeah, and through those times, and like the first thing my mom did, so this is part of my other formative everything is like, my mom was like, "All right, dude, like you,

don't you're you don't know how to be social you know i'm seven years old now you don't know how to be social were you not in school did they yeah yeah i was in school like but but this school that i was in when i was on the farm was like five kids right you know what i'm saying it was like five kids that kind of schooling pretty much a hundred percent okay okay so now i'm like seven or whatever seven or eight and my mom's like i'm gonna put you in sports if you hate sports you can quit right

You can totally quit. But I'm going to put you in sports because I feel like it'll give you like this social acceptance of being like a team and like kind of forced to make those friends. Right. And you'll have a coach, which is a father figure. OK. So was dad. Did dad cut you guys off? Like, oh, it was it was that kind of debt. So he stayed in Minnesota for I want to say like.

four years after they had gotten divorced and then he moved to Long Beach, California. But in those four years, it was the, hey, I'm coming by to pick you up this weekend and never show up.

It was that. It was, like, me waiting on the front step with a bag. Oh, that's so hurtful. And never showing up. And when he did show up, my dad always just wanted to be, like, I'm so fly. I'm so, like, it. Like, he would go and, like, get a big house in, like, the really, like, poor neighborhoods. Like, and try to, like, show off and be all fly and this and that. And, like, he was just... Dude, he was... He was...

the best hustler in the world. He could sell headphones to a deaf guy. I swear to God, he was like the greatest hustler ever. So I, for a lot of his life, I have no idea what he did, but he could always have like a hundred dollar bill in his pocket. And that was probably it. Cause he did die with nothing, you know? Sorry. I just wanted to ask, cause you said that you needed a father, that she wanted you to have a father figure. No, so I had no father figure for sure. Yeah. So she put me in sports and like greatest thing, any, any tip to,

People out there that have children. My mom, I put on ice skates, got on the ice, got off. My mom looked at me and said, you're a fucking natural. And like from that point on, my mom told me that about everything. And she might have been lying through her teeth. But that inserted something in me that to this day, I believe I am a natural at everything.

Anything I do. I have so much confidence in myself that like I'm meant to do this, you know? And it's like delusion and delusion is a lot, a big part of success. Oh, absolutely. Delusion and manifesting. Yeah. Hand in hand. It's so funny. I've done it my whole life.

Opposite words. You're like delusion, negative manifesting positive. It's like, does illusion have to be negative? I mean, I feel like you're avoiding negativity. It's not at all. I feel like you're avoiding negativity when you want to be in your own delusional world. Yeah. So I don't understand how it's native. Yeah, exactly. Oh, sorry. I'm telling myself that I'm worth it. Yeah. Like, Oh, the world hates that.

Don't ever say that you are worth something because if you do, they're going to try to humble you. A hundred percent. God. A hundred percent. Being an adult has its high points. Like you can eat ice cream for dinner anytime or if you want to stay up all night, you can. But it's not always fun. You also have to do your taxes and figure out what's for dinner every freaking night.

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So mom put you in sports. Yeah. Put me in sports. Told me I was a natural. I began playing sports. Did you stick with the sports? Yeah. For many years. My first, so like check this out. So like my first, I would say from like eight to 13, I was totally, totally, uh,

100% thinking that I was a professional athlete. I love that. I was 100% like I'm a professional athlete. I played goalie in hockey. I played lacrosse. I was nasty at lacrosse. Those are hard sports. I played goalie in hockey. I was nasty at goalie. I played catcher in baseball. My mom's like, yo, why not choose the thing that's not all eyes on you if something goes wrong? She's sitting in the stands like, dude, you're the goalie in the back that if the goal goes in, you come home and you're like, I want to

when I fucking killed myself. But she was just like, all right, you got this. You know, like I was a loner, right? I was a loner. I was an imagination person. So I chose those, you know, when I zoom out and look back on it, I chose those positions because I was like,

sitting back in the net like by myself surrounded by no one just being like talking to myself like yeah we good because maybe in a way you always felt like it was like you against the world a hundred percent yeah so 100 even as a child it was always like i always was like i cannot rely on anyone else to make me get there i was always a lot a lot later into my life one of my like basically like mentors in my life told me this thing that changed my life which was like

Your life will be so much better if you can just be 100% responsible 100% of the time. When things go wrong,

It's a form of empathy to just realize that you're responsible somehow for it going wrong. And if you can stop being like, oh, poor me, poor me, and just be like, all right, cool, lesson learned. You'll be so much greater. So, yeah, I always had this 100% responsible, 100% of the time I'm going to make it happen.

So I was playing sports. And then the wildest thing happened when I was 13. You know, I'm flipping through ESPN and watching these sports games, right? Professional athletes. And then my sister is obsessed with Hanson. Oh, not a Hanson girl over there. No, full on Hanson. Full on Hanson. Okay. Yeah.

and we're fighting for the remote and I'm flipping to hockey and she's flipping to Hanson and it just dawns on me I go I'm watching full-on adults with their career there is no child on the ice in the NHL right and she's watching children play to an arena of people at a professional level these kids are like between 10 and 13 I think I can relate more to the

youngins on the instruments than I can to the grownups on the ice. I was like, mom, get me a drum set for Christmas.

Get me a drum set for Christmas. That was it. You were like, this is it. Get me a drum set for Christmas. And like, were you musically inclined before? Not one. Did you sing? Did you write? Not one bit. Really? Always, always, always to drawing and painting. Okay. That was always my thing. Like, I think one of my other first career goals. Which is why you like directing now. Yeah. Yeah. One of my other first career goals was to be a comic book.

that drew comic books. - I love that. - So always into like that side of art. So I connected to that side of art. But as soon as I saw this young and with hair down to here, being like 10 years old, playing drums to an arena of people. And I realized in that moment, I said, I can't see what the hell the guitar player is doing from the TV screen. I can't see, I can't tell. This is too confusing for my mind to understand.

This piano player, no idea. Can't even see it from the TV. I can just see he's moving his hands. But drums, he's got sticks in his hand and he's got four drums in front of him. I can see every move he's making. Wow. I was like, I can learn from a distance. You know, I can learn that from a distance.

From that, it led me to finding Travis Barker. Wait, wait, wait. Let's not skip over that. Because I play an instrument too, which is piano, which I suck at it now, but I grew up playing piano. And to learn an instrument by watching somebody is a fucking talent in its own. But you see what I'm saying with drums. It's like the only one that you can look and be like... But that's still hard. You're going like this. You're going like this. You're going like this. No matter how fast you're doing it, I can still tell what you're doing. That's...

crazy that you were able to do that. So you got a drum set and you just sat there and you watched what handsome videos or did you discover blink 182 by then? So I had the drum set and I was still in sports at this moment, right? Had the drum set would look at it and be like this. And like, I took lessons for a second. My mom put me in lessons. I had one lesson. It was from a dude who came over fully drunk and tried to pick up my mom on a date. And my mom was like,

I don't think we can make this happen. Like, I don't think I can just have like random men coming to this house to like teach you how to play drums, you know? I love your mom. She's the greatest. One day you got to meet her. Cause she is so cool. Like I just got this awesome new, new house in Tarzana. That's like my,

It's my happy place. And like I have, she has her own room there full on. And I'm just like, I'm like, mom, when I get this house, like I'm going to get this house and you have to spend six months of the year at least out here. Period. End of story. You are a mama's boy, true and true, but in a good way. Oh, it's, I love it. I love it. I have great, I have great, I was raised by my mom and my sister, right? Completely. Like I have great,

Female energy. I love that. To make females feel safe and comfortable and open around me. And it's one of my favorite qualities about myself. That's why... Because I'm so not alpha male. That's amazing. There's too many fucking alphas running around in the world just hurting women. I'm so not that. That's why so many women have chosen the bear. Have you seen this whole thing that's going on online? What's the bear? Where it's like...

They're like if you got they've asked women have you seen this thing if you get lost in like a forest? would you want to be lost in the forest with a bear or with a man and About 99% of women have chosen the bear

Is that not fucking insane? That's the fucking world we live in. So we need men like you, Maude. I love it. We need men like you, baby. That's so real. Please, they need to make more. That's so real. It's wild. But anyways, circling back. So you start playing the drums. Yeah. And is this when you had started? I had heard somewhere that you had started like watching the Blink-182 and like recording. Yeah, so like drums sat for a minute like.

Kind of got a little discouraged. I'm going to look at my notes too, by the way, because we're right here. Please do. Cut the camera. Cut to me. She's not doing anything. There's nothing. I'm not texting, I swear. They kind of like went to the wayside because I got a little discouraged, you know, by like the lessons and like it just...

There was only so many little videotapes that she took a Hanson that I could watch. Yeah. I mean, they only had like two good hits, right? Yeah. I mean, don't say that around her. She tripped it. She tripped it. She's like, how dare you? She shows her Hanson tattoo. I was not a Hanson fan. Was not a Hanson fan. But do you really have a Hanson tattoo? Okay. All right.

I was like, we got to talk about this, sis. They really did only have like two hits, though, that I thought of, right? Mbop and what was the other one? That were like mainstream. Give it a goog. Come on. You can talk. Yeah, you can talk. We love that. Yeah, we love that. Oh, no, look at, she's already, whoa, you guys. You're being a little hard on Hanson over here. It's a different kind of music pattern, you know what I mean?

I love that. A different release pattern. I love that. That's amazing. That is hilarious. All right. All right. All right. They had two hits. Okay. So I mean, I mean, they're looking up to giving them two hits. Okay. Giving them two hits might've been nice.

You've never heard of Mbop? You're young. You're young. I can already tell. You're young. I already know how old you are. If she doesn't know who Hanson is, she's too young for you, bro. 100%. 100 fucking percent. Literally, I had a conversation with someone the other night. He's like, you don't know Hanson? All right. Okay. I understand. Oh, no. All right. So you started playing these drums. Yeah. And you got tired of fucking Hanson. Tired of listening to Hanson. And then all of a sudden...

It must have been 1999 or 2000, like 2000. All of a sudden I see Blink-182, see Travis Barker. I see the coolest looking person I've ever seen in my life. And I'm like watching him play drums and I'm like, oh bet. I was like, I got a drum set in my basement. I was like, it's done. This is the person I connect with. And

That was at the time just when like Napster and Kazaa and these other little things that you could download. - Oh, that LimeWire. - This is 56K, dial up internet. - Yeah. - I just proceeded to download every single thing. I would have to stay up all night because the phone line would get used. So I'd have to stay up all night and download these things. And I'd wake up right away in the morning as it was downloading all the, and I'd go and I'd fucking make sure that, did it come through? Okay. And, but while you could do this, this was actually the greatest thing. While you were downloading something,

at these times, it took you like three days to download a music video, you know, real talk. And, but you could preview, you could preview it while it was downloading. So if it had 15%, you could watch 15% of it. So I would sit this far from the computer screen and watch that 5%, watch that 10%, watch that 15% and sit there and just watching every, I can see everything you're doing, everything you're doing. And, um, that is crazy. And, and proceed to do that. I mean, the whole time my mom is going,

"Get off the internet and go be a normal kid. I can't use the phone. Like, what are you doing down there?" And I'm like, "I guess this internet thing wasn't a fad, man." Yeah, right? "I guess so. I guess I was kind of onto something, huh?" Yeah. And I just proceeded to watch every single thing. And was always the kid that was like, "Oh, I can play like one song? Time to start a band." You know? So when did you start your first band? First band, 13 years old.

Really? 13 years old. You just fucking were like, one day, this is my 10-year change. You know how you said you change every 10 years? This was like your 10-year change, and you were ready to just do something completely different. Yep. I love that about you. And I started it, had to like, and still again, like it was really hard because when I turned 18,

16, right? Or just... So right as you're going into high school, so right as you're going into freshman year, that was when hockey... Because I was, like, slated to be, like, a pro goalie. Like, I was a good... Minnesota is a hockey town. Yes. And pros come from Minnesota. And my city that I was in, Bloomington, Minnesota, we had...

the scouts would come to our school to pick pros, right? Wow. I was slated to be a professional goalie, okay? And I was working with goalie coaches and like, you're going to be a pro. Like, we got this, right? And I had to make like the hardest decision ever at that time, which was going into high school. This is right when it,

Right when it turned into like, okay, sports is a job now because you're going to go to school all day. Fucking hated school. Barely made it through. And then you're going to practice.

immediately from school like your life is just you're you're in a nine to five yeah you know literally and I had to make the choice and be like no I'm gonna be I'm gonna be a drummer I'm gonna be a drummer and I had to quit and everyone like I had I had grown men goalie coaches coming to take me out to lunch to try to convince me otherwise don't do it don't do it

Trust me, you're a goalie. You're not going to be a musician. Do you know how many times at this time I got told one in a million? And I was like, you're looking at the one. You're looking at the one, my boy. That's all it takes. Sorry to say, I'm going to be the one. And I believed that. And I quit every sport, picked up a skateboard, started getting really good at skateboarding. And my life just became skateboarding and drums.

and wearing dickies down in here and vans and famous stars straps t-shirts and i had to change my whole appearance like overnight like it all changed like i don't care this whole poserism and this whole like oh all of a sudden you're dressing the part like this oh you like punk music so now all of a sudden you got like liberty spikes and you're wearing the sid vicious chain like yeah cool change your appearance are people not allowed to grow yeah exactly and experience but then again that's the world shutting the door on them it's like

that word poser, it's like, yeah, for sure. The first day I showed up to the skate park, not knowing how to skate and was like wearing the lame shit. Like I was posing to be like y'all because I wanted to be like y'all.

But like, don't ever for a second doubt that a year later I was one of y'all. Right. Right. But you put in the work. Is everyone not a poser the first day they do something? You don't think Van Gogh picked up a paintbrush and felt like a poser the first time he painted? Tried to paint, yeah. Looking like at other paintings? Yeah. Like everyone's a poser the first time they try to do something they want to do. I love that.

The fuck is wrong with y'all? Like, yeah, yeah. It's so real. And it's like people just be so afraid of, you know, whatever. It's so easy to do that. It's human condition. Like you want people to like you, you know? I love that though, that even at 13, you had such a confidence and such a strong mindset to say, you know what? No, I don't care that these grown adults are telling me that I'm not going to make it. I'm going to fucking make it.

Like I have, I've had that mindset my entire life. Even as a kid, people told me you're going to end up barefoot and pregnant. You leave home. I left home at 14 and never looked back. You know, you have to be your fucking number one fan. Nobody else is going to believe in you the way that you do. And it's manifesting. You're literally a powerful human being to be able to manifest something like that, especially so young, you know, and to sit there, I'm still mind blown, but to sit there and learn how to play the drums by watching music videos, that's like some fucking like,

crazy, like, am I allowed to say, is it politically correct if I say it, but it's like Rain Man shit. Like, you are just like zeroed in and fucking just like, you must have like, your IQ must be huge. Have you ever had an IQ test? No, I never have. We need to do one on him. But I really barely, I really barely made it out of high school, you know? That is crazy.

- It doesn't matter. - No, I know for sure. - Some of the smartest people failed in school. - For sure. - Like it's just not, school to me is a trap, but don't, kids if you're listening, go to school. - No, for sure. - You have to. - Go to experience school as well. - Yeah, go to experience school and just have your friends and all that stuff. But yeah, to sit there and be able to like, you know, just be so headstrong at such a young age is admirable.

tell me about this first band and where this took you. First band? I mean the first band was like, was like, you know, a couple of friends like this really was when I was 13, 14 and it was just like you're learning how to play guitar

Like you're the only one in this city because I was in the suburbs surrounded by jocks and cheerleaders for real. Like, right. That was what it was. It was sports and cheerleading and that's it. So I'm in those suburbs and I found like one kid that could play that was learning how to play guitar. I was like,

that like we're in a band you know what I'm saying and it was really just me and a guitar player you know what I'm saying there was no like and then we found our like kind of like other like delinquent homie that we're like just pick up a bass like everyone says like slap at the bass everyone's like you know like anyone can play bass like you know no disrespect to y'all bass players like but everyone that's kind of a thing in music we're like yeah you know

Sid Vicious was put in the Sex Pistols because he looked so cool. Right. They were like, you just look so cool. Just pick up the bass, bro. Yeah. Like, whatever. My dad's a guitar player. Well, was. An extremely amazing guitar player. And he, in his latter years in life, just switched over to bass because it was easier. Yeah, 100%. I mean, you got four strings and you're usually only playing two of them. And you only have to do one at a time. And you're just like, boom.

Yeah, yeah. It's awesome. You gotta have groove. You gotta have, like, falling in the pocket, but for sure. So that band was more just like, we're learning our favorite songs. What was the name? Almost There. Ah, I love that. Almost There. That speaks volumes, though. The next band I was in, though.

We were 16. We were called the Sideline Heroes. I love that. That name still to this day is so cool. Sideline Heroes. Why haven't you written a song called Sideline Heroes? I know. I do. I really need to. I really need to. I'd like Ryder Cred for that. I'm just kidding. We're going to write it together. We're totally going to write it together. You're definitely doing the intro. We're taking something from this.

And we were rad. We were super rad. Like, we were all, like, the bad kids in high school. We were all the, like, you know, failing students in high school. And the, like, anti-everything. You know, this was, like, oh, this was the revolution starter of guys wearing girls' jeans. You know what I'm saying? And getting hated on. Yeah.

So you guys were wearing skinny jeans back then? Oh, not skinny jeans, girls jeans, because they didn't even make guys skinny jeans. Oh, so you guys were literally just wearing girls jeans. I love that. A hundred percent. And I dyed half my hair blonde, half my hair black. And I came to school with, I kid you not, a briefcase, not a backpack. I walked through the hallways of high school with a briefcase and a scarf on in black.

70 degree weather. You would have been one of my friends in high school because I loved anybody who was different. Like I have always been drawn to the people who are different because I'm different, you know? So I loved people like you. What was your relationship status in high school when you started playing in a band? Yeah. All the girls start flocking a lot more.

You know, I always had, like I said, I have female energy. Right. So I always had, like, girls. Yeah, I always did. And I've been very fortunate with, like,

the females that I've attracted in my life. I don't think you have female energy. I think you have safe energy. Yeah. And to females, that's huge. Yeah. We don't want to be around fucking Predator Earl. Yeah. We want to fucking be around mods. And also not, hey, let me talk to you in a way that I don't talk around my friends. Right. Not that. I'm like, I'm like so the exact person in front of

And you know what I'm saying? That's how my husband is. He's safe. Like women are okay being around him and alone with him because they don't have to fear of anything weird and creepy. So I had, I did have a really cute girlfriend in high school for sure. Yeah. What was her name? Uh, Jenny, Jenny. What's up? And I still, my sister is still friends with her and talks to her and checks in. But like, that was like, yeah, that was for sure. The first love of my life for sure.

We dated, like, all, I want to say, like, all through high school. But she was, like, the really pretty, sweet girl that would, like, come to, like, because we were playing, like, punk rock shows. There was a venue in Minnesota called The Garage. It was, like, a youth center. And we would play there every weekend. And, like, we got big in the city. You know what I'm saying? We really did. And that led me to being in...

the first band that really like made it, made it type of, type of scenario. Like the first band I toured with, the first band that like ever spoke to a label and any of that. And we were called The Semester. And I, I got, I got to be in that band because the two really good artists, musicians that were like musician kids that were like grew up in church playing instruments and giving guitar lessons to like grown men when they were like fucking 14, you know, really good musicians.

And I was self-taught, right? They were really good. And I had to like try out to be in their band. You know, it was like, I'm like 16, 17, like trying out to be in a band. Like this is wild. Um, there,

They were amazing and they were from a different city, but the band I was in that was all from my same city would go and we'd play at this youth center. And it was a whole scene. It was all the like outcast kids from surrounding areas were there. And they were starting a new band and my band was like breaking up and I was like, all right, I want to play with these guys. And I ended up being in a band with these guys after three tryouts, you know, I ended up playing with them.

And they would later break my heart and I would later bring them back into my life. And yeah, well, we got to talk about it. You can't, you can't go over it really quick though. Not to interrupt Walt to interrupt you. I just wanted to say, isn't it crazy how your girlfriend was the sweet girl coming to the bad boys show? Isn't that so reminiscent of your mom and your dad? It really is exactly like that. Yeah.

that. Yeah. It's so funny because I've kind of never like put that together in a string of sentences. Yeah. I had to like circle back to that because I just I thought that was really sweet. And it totally was like I'm not wrong. It totally was. Yeah. Yeah. So what did these boys do to you? What happened? Well, so like

So then I guess like sophomore year, now I was in this really good band where we were playing every day, writing our own songs, recording and doing all this. And I was the mouthpiece. I was always the best mouthpiece. I wasn't the best musician in the band.

Cause I was self-taught, you know? I didn't even understand what timing was. Right. I was just like, play fast, man. What are you talking about? You know? Yeah. Who's counting? And I was, I was the mouthpiece though. I would get us into the biggest venue in town. I would, I was like,

Dude, I was the best at forming an email. I could like hit the sentences that the grownup would be like, I believe in this kid. Right. So I'll get us into the big venues. I would get us on, you know, like I would get us on to go do like a little four show, little mini tour by talking to other bands from other places. And I was getting the eyes on us, you know?

And the whole goal was like, I'm going to be in this band for the rest of my life. Like we got out of high school the literally the day after I graduated and I barely graduated the day after I graduated, we got in a tour event and went on a three month tour around the

the country. Wow. Playing shows for 20 fucking dollars, sleeping on people's forehead. The whole point of playing a show is to get on stage and go, Hey, we got nowhere to stay tonight. If anyone here wants to let us stay at their house, like that whole era of bands is done. No, long gone. You know, my husband used to do that when we, him and I first got together. I've seen him play shows to five people and rock the stage. Like it was like, he's playing a fucking amphitheater. I'm telling you right now, that's what separates.

us and them no for real you guys not that we're putting down new artists no now no but it's like you guys really were in these streets like you guys had to fucking yeah sleep on people's couches you guys had fucking we didn't have a tour van a tour bus when this shit first started out we had fucking a rental car or when we graduated from the rental car to a sprinter van or not a sprinter but the

18 passenger. Yes, the white one. And then you would get to the sprinter. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, like there's levels to this shit. 100%. So I get it, 100%. 100%. I remember just being like. What was your first show like that you played? First show ever. Yeah. As a drummer. Yeah. First show ever as a drummer was like.

at this youth center. Okay. So you were 13 when that happened? Yeah. That would be like the first show that wasn't like in our living room to like five people or like my mom. And then we can circle back to my first show as my son because then you'll see how this whole thing like builds up and then boom and then builds up and then boom. Like those kind of things and it's been wild with that but um

So anyways, back to how they broke my heart. Yeah, sorry. We went on this tour, okay? I was like in contact with labels. I was like, this is it. This is my whole life. We got back from that tour. They called me on three, the other three of them on the phone. Go, you're kicked out of our band. You're not good enough. Peace. These were my like best friends. These are everything. They literally looked at me. They literally called me and said, peace, you're not good enough to be in our band.

And that was it. After you guys had just did this tour and fucking were talking, did they get greedy? Pulled the rug out. They just said I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough of a drummer. That's hurtful. And like, just pulled the rug out. And like, I... This is the most beautiful time in my life because it was so hard. And it created exactly where I am today. I...

I was living with my mom still, you know what I'm saying? Super broke. Like being in a band, you're broke, right? Starving artist is real. Completely broke. And this is my first now year out of high school. And my mom's like, shit, dude, you were betting everything on this.

And like you literally were like, fuck any other plans in high school or what I'm supposed to be thinking about. Like, this is all I'm doing. And they just pulled the rug. I mean, my mom's such like a she's like, I'm going to go knock on their door and talk to their parents. You know, my mom's like, nah, like she'll fight for me. Right. Same with my sister. And but I just like this was my first time ever feeling like depression.

Right. It's my first time. I locked myself in my mom's garage and I was a stoner. Oh, also I got kicked out of the bank. So I was like a stoner and also like had found drugs and like stuff like that. Maybe a caveat that I forgot to introduce. Let's not skip over that. But these guys were also super straight laced. And I was like, I grew up with a dad, like telling me to party at age five guys. You guys were in church growing up and like, like we live a different life, but yeah, I was like story. And then we'll, we'll slug her back to the, yeah.

introduction to drugs. So maybe glossed over that part a little bit. But I love that you take accountability for that because a lot of people would not. 100%. I mean, I'll never forget the first time. Like, again, I told them, I was like, yo, I tried cocaine and they were like, how dare you? They clutched their pearls. They were like, oh, your life is over. You know?

Like that type of shit. And I was like, yeah, dude, I was on mushrooms the other night. That shit was crazy. You know, they're like, they're like, cool. They're like, bro, this dude is losing it, you know? So again, I do take responsibility, but the way they went about it being like, you're not good enough. You're out. Right. That was like heartbreaking. And then to just be like, forget our number. We're never talking to you again.

So then anyways, locked myself in my mom's garage, smoked weed all day and finally connected to Bob Dylan because when I was young, it was just listen to Bob Dylan, listen to Bob Dylan. When your parents are telling you to listen to something, you're like, no dog, like you're my parents. Like, right. But I was always like, there's something there. And I like forced myself to like really get into it. And I just smoked weed and listen to Bob Dylan all day. And I was like, that's it. I love this because I,

When I was in bands, I would sing along to songs and then I'd turn them off and I'd be like to my homies who were really good and be like, hey, what key am I singing in? You're not even in a key, dog. You can't sing. Don't ever sing. You know, telling me you can't sing. You're not a singer. And I would hear, I hate Bob Dylan's voice. He can't sing. And I'm like, boom.

There's our through line. They say this dude can't sing. They say I can't sing. He fucking did something with it. I'm doing something with it. And that was it. I was like, I'm starting my own thing. And if I can't sing yet, I'll tell you what I can do. Like, I'm going to get there, but I'll tell you what I can do. You play drums and I got rhythm and I can understand pattern. I'm going to rap.

Wow. Can't tell me I can't talk. Right. You know? I love that. So it was like, I love that nobody can tell you no. A hi-hat, a hi-hat's like a rap. And I was like, cool, I'm going to put that together, you know? Mm-hmm.

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So your...

I see a pattern here that all throughout your life, if somebody tells you you can't do something, you're going to fucking prove them wrong. It's my gift and my curse because it goes to authority too and can ruin great relationships that I'm in because I cannot be told what to do. Does that trickle over into women too? 100%.

100%. I run so far from authority. And that's like anyone just being like, try living your life the way I live it too. And me being like, how dare you tell me to change my lifestyle? Yeah. How dare you to tell me that I shouldn't be staying up till 6 a.m. every night and sleeping till 2 p.m.? How dare you tell me that I should try to like move with the sun? How dare you try to tell me that I should live like this? Or you know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And that's like my biggest thing that I'm working on right now is like understanding that like there's a difference between authority of like me being a kid and being like chased by the cops for skateboarding on a six stair. There's a difference between like that authority and be like, fuck you. Yeah. And a difference between someone being like, hey, you want to like live how I live too? Yeah.

Yeah. You want to like meet in the middle dog. Like you want to do that and not just be like, I'm your plus one, like to your life. Yeah. Like a hundred percent. I'm really focused on like understanding that, but it's a trigger. Are you in therapy? I have done great, great therapy sessions. And then I like kind of stray away. Cause of the authority. Probably. Yeah. Okay.

Because you have somebody telling you what to do. But they've given me so many of those, like, here's the starting point. Right. You know? Which is what we need. Like, here's the starting point. Like, my therapist gave me the greatest piece ever, which was, like, this is why you do that. Because, like, I've seemed to...

end up in relationships with famous girls, right? It's been like a pattern. And why, you know, people will be like, even my friends, be like, man, you're a star fucker, bro. Okay? I think you just like strong women who are driven. Boom, boom, boom.

I was in my head being like, what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why am I like so attracted to like a celebrity woman and whatever? And it's like my therapist was like, okay, so you watch your mom get completely everything taken away from her for your father and think that she was feel worthless and powerless. And you've seen, you know, her be abused in multiple ways, right?

you want to be with a strong woman and the industry you're in, the strong women you're surrounded by are the ones with fame. If you were working in an office, you'd want to fuck the CEO. Yeah. You feel me? And there's nothing wrong with that. And I was just like, boom, I feel so much better about myself because I was like, damn, like,

I'm a star fucker? Like, what is that? I'm like, well, I am from Minnesota, small town. I used to see magazine covers and be like, one day. You're trying to rationalize it. But there's nothing wrong with wanting a strong woman who has her own shit going on. 100%. It's the independence, I think, that attracts you to women who are famous because they can do whatever the fuck they want because they have their own money. So yeah, it does circle back to childhood trauma, but it doesn't always mean that it's a negative thing. True. Truly. Truly. And I am like...

where's the normal girl in my life that works at Starbucks? Can we talk about some of your relations? We're going to circle back to the drug thing too. I haven't forgotten, but can we talk about some of your relationships? Yeah. I did see a couple of them online. Um, some girls that you have been with and I mean like Bella Thorne, beautiful, strong woman. Take me on that journey. Dude, that was a really, that was like a really fun one. And then like, and like really traumatically and stuff. And like that, that was, uh, that was just like, uh,

You know, this was when I was a drug addict and alcoholic and this was like,

met her through friends was like look at this like wild child girl I was also like in like this like I'm like very hippie ism like the way I live life is very hippie you know what I'm saying and uh she was on that you know I was like this girl with like hairy armpits it's like so beautiful I was like why is that so attractive to me like she's a rebel baby it was like it really was I was like you're so like just naturally like don't give a fuck and whatever so um just

just like so many amazing times with her. And, you know, I have, I do have this, like, not only with authority, like, I don't want to be the plus one. So it is hard to like match the energy of like, Oh, you're like more popping than me, you know? And like, so, so a lot of it was that, but like, I was super supportive and I loved watching her shine. And, uh, she was very, like very, you lived her life in like a grown way and took care of things and all that. Um,

But it ended poorly. You know what I'm saying? We're like in this like maybe we're in like a like polyamorous like like throuple relationship with this other person. And I'm a jealous fucking person, too. So even if it's another female. Oh, he said, oh, I'm just so jealous. Like you're a lover boy. I so jealous. Yeah, I have a jealousy thing again. Like I know my things to work on. You know, March 10th.

I swear to God, we've been sitting here this whole time and in my head, Pisces just keeps fucking replaying. That is fucking wild. Total Pisces. Yeah. I love that. I'm a Pisces Venus. So I love hard. Yeah. Like when we love, we are just, it's like an ocean. And I dive off the cliff too. I dive off the cliff into it. Um,

And like, so, so anyways, like this was definitely like one of my first, like really, really, you know, I'd love to beat the two and a half year mark, but they, these things with me seem to last like two and a half years, you know? And it was two and a half years of my life. That's when you really get to know somebody though. And that's when the masks start falling off. Like people always say, Oh, it's the first six months. No, it's not. It could be over a year and you don't really get to know somebody until like a year and a half, two years into the relationship. Yeah.

My husband and I fought like cats and dogs the first three years of our relationship. I do not know how we fucking survived it and made it to where we are because we literally had to learn to, one, we had to learn that we were both trash bags and then we had to fucking unpack the trash together and then we had to decide like, hey, are we going to continue to fucking be trash bags or are we going to fucking try to just level up together? And I think that in relationships is real. Not a real partnership, but.

But, you know, that's two and a half, two years or two and a half years is where you get to a point of like it's make or break. And if the two people can't decide, hey, we want to do this together and level up, which a lot of people aren't built like that anymore. These like I, heaven forbid, if anything ever happened, I would never want to date in this fucking society again because nobody knows how to work on things and like really fucking like

struggle with somebody, you know, like people don't, they want, they want the happiness and they want the fairy tale, but they don't want to struggle. They don't want the lows. They want the highs. You know what I'm saying? So I think that's probably where you're meeting that, um, situation over and over again is because you're picking partners who don't want to do the work or maybe you at that moment didn't want to do the work. Yeah.

So real. So real. Sorry, I'm not trying to over here be a therapist or anything. No, it's real. I'm actually tuned into these conversations more than ever because I'm like, do I just die alone? For real? Is that my journey? And look, obviously it sounds whatever, but it's also so romanticized to me because I'm like tortured, locked up artist in the middle of the woods painting and smoking cigarettes and writing books. Would you choose the bear or the man?

Because you said you were in the middle of the woods. So would you, would you all day? And that would be the same. If I was a female too, I'd be like, the bear, the bear, what? Yeah. A hundred percent. Sorry. I just wanted to make you laugh. You're not going to die alone. You're not, you know what? I know when I say that it sounds like one of those things, but I am like, I'm such a lover boy in those things where I'm just like,

Like, yeah, yeah. I know it sounds, like, sad, but to me it's so romanticized and so just, like, you know what? Like, I've had it, I've felt it, and, like, we'll see what happens, but I am...

You have with other things, you know, you have manifested. Not that a woman will make you any more than you already are your whole by yourself. But you have manifested everything in your fucking life. Yeah. You are going to manifest the perfect woman for you. Yeah. You just have to believe that. Like you have believed in yourself and everything else that you have done in this life.

You have to start believing it. Yeah. Stop romanticizing being alone and start romanticizing falling in love. Start visualizing your perfect girl. I would tell you a trick to do, but I don't know if I'll get in trouble on the podcast, but it's, it's, it's like a, um, well then cut it if it is, but tell me. So when you're masturbating, yeah. Maybe it's like, Oh, here we go. So when you're, when you're, no, when you're masturbating, envision the perfect woman that you want. Yeah. And,

masturbate to her and to you, you know, fruition. - That's great because I don't watch porn. - That's manifesting though. But they say, I don't know if it's like a witchcraft thing or a spell thing. I'm not into that, but they say that if you do that, you're literally manifesting the person that you want and these people will start coming into your life.

It's real. Try it. Let me know how it goes. Call me afterwards. I'm like, I got to get past some of this previous manifesting that I've been doing. Yeah, clear the slate. You should have told me that like 20 years ago. Clear the slate. So if you're jerking off to celebrities, you're manifesting celebrities. Yeah, yeah. You see that? Word, word, word.

I'm thinking maybe the therapist was wrong about the whole start of the trauma. I think we just actually found the reason. Let's rewind. Yeah, it wasn't the mom thing. It's like, what you been doing? It's a smorgasbord of all of it. But I mean, if you are whacking off to celebrities, it makes sense, you know? Yeah.

So moving on to... No, it's back in the imagination. It's the imagination. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I do think watching porn fucks you up. Yeah. See, I don't mind porn. It doesn't bother me, but when it's a problem. Yeah. Like if you're watching porn more than touching your partner, then that's a problem. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which that happens in a lot of relationships. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. 100%.

Moving on to your next relationship, the one that, your most recent one. Most recent, yeah. Can we touch on that one? Yeah, certainly. That was a brutal year for you last year. Yeah. Can you take me on that journey? How did you meet Avril? We...

We met through music. We met through music. And it was a great time. I worked on an album that she was doing. And we had a song of mine together. It's called, what is it called? Our song is called Flames. Flames, yeah. You guys got to listen to the song. It's a great song. Yeah, it's a great song. And we met through a really awesome way, which was making music. And it was lovely. And she was like,

true talent being around like really true talent especially as like I write songs for other artists as well you know and produce for other artists as well and it was like amazing like coming up with an idea and seeing someone like so fucking talented sing it and it was like it was it was incredible and also I've known who she was since I was

a very young kid in fucking Minnesota. I heard you had her posters on your wall. 100% had a poster around my wall. Manifested. See? Start whacking off, Maude. Yeah. All right? Start manifesting and whacking off. Yeah, right? I know. Low key. That's your homework. Low key. And she was... Yeah, yeah. So...

Um, it was like just a really, it was a really, it was a really beautiful time when we met and it was also in the pandemic. So like we, you know, like I said, I dive in fast as fuck. I just like completely dive into something. And, um, I think she was that way as well. And we just like ended up,

being with each other and living together. And it was in the pandemic where we're all stuck inside anyway. So it was like, um, it was a way to get to know somebody really fast though. Yeah. Cause that's what my husband and I did. We got married a month after meeting. Yeah. And like, that's, that's like how I've always been hopping to the fucking frying pan. Yeah. Like we're going to figure this shit out. Yeah.

And, and yeah, it was like a really incredible time. She was like a very, she's, she's like a grown woman, you know? And that was a wonderful change for my relationship types to be with, you know? It's like the most amazing compliment that you can give a woman. I love that. Yeah. Well, yeah. And, and again,

like I want to give anyone that I was in a relationship, like the compliments, you know what I'm saying? Like when we spoke about Bella a second ago, it was like, I was, uh, uh, directing a video for a band called Palais Royale yesterday and they're friends with her. And the whole concept of the video, uh,

Even if this doesn't make it in, I'd love to tell you this. It's really great. They don't even know that I'm making this video for them. Okay? Their mother passed away last week. They're three brothers in a band. Okay? Their mother just passed away. And they have this giant song that's so good that was already slated to come out. And their label's like, can we shoot a video, please? It's a sensitive time. We won't be on camera. So...

their management came to me and was like, can you put something together? And the whole thing is like friends and fans and other people from big bands coming together to create this like moment of a special video for them. Not like a sad video at all. Not like a dedication to their mom. Nothing like that. Cause the song's very upbeat. It's yeah. It's like showing them like, we got your back. And like, also like when you do a gorilla video like that, where you're just kind of like all coming together and on the spot, it's like usually just thrown together. Like,

I shot them like an expensive, crazy art video. Anyways, jump me back. They, their management knows that they're like good friends with Bella and they were like, yo, would you be comfortable if we invited her? And I was like, literally was like, I would love to say hi to her and give her a hug and send her my love. You know what I'm saying? I was like, I would love that. You know, a year after we broke up, I was like, oh,

If I ever see you in public, like, I'm going to just give you the dirtiest look. But it's like, I have nothing but, you know, love for that. So, like, jumping back, like, yeah, it was being with a grown woman. It was awesome. It was, we're two different people, but awesome.

But it was great. I think I had a great influence on her. I think she could have had a really more wonderful influence on me just from the side of, like, grown up and being a grown up kind of, you know, because I'm learning later in life of how beautiful it is. Like I said, I'm very secure of who I am right now. And I've been a little lost in the last, like, three years as far as, like, where do I fit in or who am I? And, yeah.

There was great things that I could have taken out of it. That just sends you a message, again, of you're not good enough. Yeah, certainly. On top of that, too, I had to really regain this big, big...

empathetic heart that I've been missing for a long time. And like, it's really come around lately. This like leading with empathy, you know, I pray every single day. Right. And like, um, in my prayers, I'm just like, allow me to lead with empathy and like be a shining light. Like, and my form of empathy is just finally attached to like being like,

Dude, you gotta get outside of yourself. And when someone does you wrong, stop thinking, fuck them.

You did me dirty. I'm out for revenge and this and that. It start being like, just be in their position. Like, step outside. And things have, like, formed in my life lately where I was just like, oh, my God. I can't have any of those feelings for anyone. I couldn't force myself to anymore. You know? If we had done this, like, talk, like, three months ago, I might have been like, man, fuck that person. No.

I want, I want, ow, she hears this. You know what I'm saying? I'm just like, yo, running to you, all the love. I hope you're well. Cause I, I, and I. That's healing though. Yeah. As being able to, you know, put,

I don't... Maybe it's egos, heartbreak aside, and be like, hey, man, I understand you were going through your own shit, too. 100%. Even though you fucking shattered my heart. Yes. Stomped on it on the way out. I still love you. And I am responsible for what happened as well. Yeah. In some way, it trickles down to that. It's like, you know, I didn't give you what you...

communicated it a lot of times too what you needed you know and like that that was another great thing I learned from the relationship was communication because like I'm like a run from the problem person I'd like literally like leave the house like I don't want to fight I'm out of here yeah when you calm down I'll be back that's so corny that's so the wrong way to go about things um

And so my communication skills have like gone through the roof lately and, and, and, uh, and just being empathetic. And, and also like, I, I don't think it's hard to get there when you're not in a good place. Yeah. Well, you're, when you're still emotional. Yeah. When you're still on the other side of it being like, man, like I'm, I feel like shit right now. How am I supposed to be happy for you? But it's like, it's okay. Yeah. You felt like that too. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. And that's what, you know, my best friend is, is, uh, machine Kelly and he is, he,

He is, he is, I talk to him, if I'm not with him that day, I talk to him on the phone for three hours every day. And he is like, we are so there for each other. It is like, literally, I, I, talking about all these relationships and stuff, haven't felt emotional. I feel emotional talking about how much I fucking love my best friend. Oh,

Tell me about you guys' relationship. I want to hear all about it. I know. That's why I want to hear about it. This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the

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All right, we're back, guys. Ladies and gentlemen, we just had to take a bathroom break.

Maude's eyes were floating. Extremely caffeinated right now, everyone. Like, extremely caffeinated. So tell me about you and MGK's relationship. Because you got a little teary-eyed before you had to go pee. Yeah, I did. I did. Because we've met each other. We've known each other for over a decade now. He has seen... He sees me...

the way I would love the world to see me. Right. And like, I think I'm a pretty good representation of that. You know what I'm saying? But he really a hundred percent is just like, I want you to, I want the world to see how I see you, you know? And he is that person in my life that is like, he, he has like the truest, like love for me as a person, you know? And,

and wants to see me succeed and wants to see me happy and when i say these things too like am i just gonna die alone he's like bro no but you gotta start looking at the right but that's why i was really talking because we really talked to each other for three hours a day right now just about like such real life stuff and and real life things as well as him like you know the next song i'm releasing is a song that i played for him and he was like

yo, it's great. This is going to be your greatest song, but I want to help you take it there. You know, I want to help you take it there. And then is it rap or is it rock? It's a little bit. It's, it's, it's, it's definitely not rock, but there is a little bit of my like rap influence in it. Um,

and it's an interpolation, and I think we're gonna maybe talk about dropping this right around the release of the song. - Yeah, absolutely. When will it be releasing? - What? - When will it be releasing? - June 7th. - Okay. - Yeah, June 7th is when we're releasing it, and it's like me interpolating "You Are My Sunshine," which is like, in this such cool way, it's like,

so cool how we did it and how we made it happen. But I've always been avoiding writing the sun song, like Mod Sun, Modern Sunshine. Like I've always been avoiding like writing the sun song. Like, I don't want to put my finger on the pulse like that. And like I finally did. And I found this like really awesome way to do it. It's my favorite I've ever sounded. My like coolest lyrics that...

I just feel like a different artist right now. And every time I listen to it, it's like the first time. But he's there for me for that kind of thing. And then as well in his music. Like, I've written songs with him for his music. And we just look to each other for that. But more importantly, like, our bond as friends is so powerful. It is so...

you know, meeting in the middle of two totally different people. We're two totally different people and so opposite. And I've just never had a friend that like truly like cares about me the way that he does. I don't know if I've ever had anyone in my life that cares about me the way he does.

He's your soulmate. Yeah, like he really... He's a soulmate. Like we were meant to be best friends in this life and like probably crossed paths in another life. You guys were probably brothers in another life. Cool. He's in your soul family for sure. Yeah, cool. And like it's so funny. Like Megan says stuff like that for sure too. She's like, you know. But yeah, I've just never... I've never felt like someone be so...

I don't feel like a burden to him at all. Like, if anything, it's like I don't tell him enough, you know? And I've been really good my whole life at avoiding conversations about myself, you know? Mm-hmm.

I really like to be the person. I read the 48 laws of power way too early in my life. And the first, the first, uh, rule is like, never try to outshine the person in the room. Like, you know, I don't know if I agree with all of the 48. No. And also it's one of those books that if you have read, you just don't tell people. It was like written by a narcissist or something. Yeah. I didn't know if it was okay to say that,

because I didn't know if that was like your thing. And it's also one of those books that I'm like, yeah, I'm just not going to tell anyone I've read that because they immediately are like, if they've read it too, they're like, oh, so you're an asshole too. Yeah, kindred souls. They're like, oh, so you're just like playing me right now. I tried to get into it because I went through a whole spiritual, I've been going on my spiritual journey since fucking I got sober in 2017.

17 and to now and so i went through a phase where i like wanted to read books and i was like this is what i'm gonna do you know even though i have add and fucking can't do it but i can list audiobooks all day long fucking reading them can't do it it's a it's a task literally you gotta really push yourself to do it push yourself and plan it's weird how much you plan it's like people are supposed to just like be like oh yeah this is my like read a book time and it's like it feels like

serious work it's like school i do the same thing i'm like i'm gonna read a book a week this year and i'm like i get like one month into it i'm like yeah i'm gonna read a book a month yeah my husband will do that and he'll read four books in a week and then he won't read for the rest of the year yeah he's like i've taken all i need from it and i'm good for this year yeah literally but i did i tried to read the 48 laws of attraction and i fucking started reading it and i was like

is this like some fucking like weird linguistic fucking hypnotic type, like program your mind type shit. And I was just like, I don't want, I don't want to consume this. And there's, there was information in it that I was able to like put towards my life. Yeah. And then there was also stuff that made me way less human. Right.

It was like, yeah, I'm successful, but I hate myself. You know what I'm saying? It's like I hustled everybody around me to get here. What the fuck? Yeah. No, crazy, right? Yeah. I love hearing that about you and Kel's relationship, which I just recently started calling him Kels because my husband does. Oh, thank God. Yeah. They actually called me when they're in the studio. Yeah. Because Jelly walked in and was like,

hey man do i like call you like colson now or something and kel's like hold that thought he got me on facetime and he was like hey yo what should jelly call me and i was like bro if you don't call him cows i'm gonna be so bummed i was like you know him right i hate the colson thing i'll never call him that that's like the first time it's come out of my mouth actually ever is that it's so proper i only call him cows and i'm just like hate the like oh i know colson

like that yeah i'm like when people say i know jason i'm like oh you don't know him yeah jason's my husband yeah yeah exactly i was like i think you're talking about joe yeah exactly yeah exactly but um i love that you said that about him because i got that feeling about him too because i'm really protective about my husband and who he brings around and i'm always the i'm the wife who's like keep an eye on him and every time i say that something fucking proves right and then when i met

um, I looked at both of them and I was like, I'm so glad you guys have this friendship. I was like, you guys both need each other because I feel like he needs a big brother and I feel like Jay needs a little brother. And I feel like, and we get you too. So now it's like, it's just, it's a sweet little family vibe. Yeah. I mean, I mean my, my other thing with cows too, is I'm just like, you know, um,

He's had a hard time truly being misunderstood. So what he says to me, I want the world to see you how I see you. I'm like that times 10 with him because I'm like, you're so fucking misunderstood. If anyone got to have one conversation with him, they'd be like, sweetest guy ever. Nicest person. Like, love this person to death. Cool as fuck. Not arrogant. So humble. So everything. It's just the perfect fucking human being. Yeah.

Of like everything. He's definitely opposite of what I thought. Yeah. Because I've had girls on the podcast who have dated him. And, you know, they didn't, of course, they didn't have great things to say. But you get this idea of somebody once you hear it from numerous people. Yeah. So when I met him, I was like, oh, this is just a sweet boy who has a wall up.

You know, like... A hundred percent. And it was just like, oh, I get it now, you know? And genuine and authentic and all the greatest qualities of a person. And I can't wait. You know, I think you should...

I think he should do your podcast. I think he should do podcasts in general. I'm like, it takes 10 clips to rewrite his narrative. And I just can't wait for the world to really know. And that's not even saying that they don't. He has millions of people that love him. Oh, absolutely. It's really just being like, I can't wait for the other million that are out there that don't understand him to understand who he really is because he's the fucking greatest person I've ever met in my entire life. He's lucky to have a best friend like you.

I'm so lucky to have his best friend. And the caveat on that is now we live two minutes from each other. And, like, it'll be 3 a.m. and he just, like, walks in my door or vice versa. And it's so great. It's the family you needed. You know, you got your sister. You don't have any brothers, right? No. There you go. I have a stepbrother. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, I have a stepbrother. He's super cool. So...

Take me on the sobriety journey because you said that you're about to hit five years, right? I'm about to hit five years. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Sobriety fucking sucks. I tell everybody that. Sobriety.

But it's like, it's the realest. And when I say sobriety sucks, I mean that in like a joking way because you really get to know yourself. Yeah. And you have to fucking deal with some of the hardest shit you've ever dealt with in your life the minute you decide to become sober. I mean, it changed everything about me also. The time that, you know, if you can kind of backtrack to five years from now or five years ago where the world of like cocaine, which was my fucking...

everything you can kind of track where it got really scary and it's right around that point when did you start using 2011 okay how old were you

i would say i was what so i was like 21 type shit like 20 oh i'm sorry like 23 22 so maybe it was earlier than that i started i really started doing cocaine at like 22 years old gotcha yeah um and like and and was that person it's so funny cocaine is such a fucked up drug because it was like i was anti that anyone who ever like did it around me i was like oh my god what the fuck yeah dude i did one line i was addicted from the

First line. Cause you have that gene. Yeah. Yeah. Probably get it from your dad. Yeah. And total alcoholic. I mean, my dad passed away from being an alcoholic, like, and party animal and, you know, was literally doing cocaine with me up and, you know, when I was fucking fucked up, like for real. Like, so dad resurfaced. Oh,

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i would love to get into all that too if we if we i know we've been talking for fucking what seems like it's about you you know if you want to talk about it i'm not kicking you out i love this okay cool cool cool this is your time um i was addicted from the first line of cocaine i did i have the alcoholic gene where it's like i can just go and go and go and go and go like and uh

And being on stage and being in that lifestyle and being all that, it was always like I wanted to be the best at everything. So it became be the best drug addict, be the best alcoholic. And when you're trying to be the best drug addict and best alcoholic, it means you do more than anyone else. Yeah. You know? And cocaine's a funny fucking thing because when you first start doing cocaine, it's like

yo, like, you want to do, like, you want to do, like, let's do, okay, on the table right here in front of us. And it quickly turns into by yourself in the bathroom. You know? Or, like, if you had a couple drinks. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, but I was, like, a dark addict. You know what I'm saying? I was by myself doing eight balls. By myself. I did that one night. Not to party. Just to fucking... Just sitting behind a microphone, just like...

all right, like I'm making this law. You know what I'm saying? Like, like all, all night. I mean, um, it was, it was bender after bender, after bender. Like I was a up for three days type of person and addict. And it went on for, you know, like over a decade of my life. And to the point that there was like really scary times, really times where I was like able to hide it. Cause that was a fun, the whole thing is I was functioning as a functioning addict, alcoholic. Right. Um,

But to pass out to finally pass out after being like tweaked out on cocaine for two days My thought in my head was that I had to slam a bottle of whiskey, you know to do it So it was just like the cocktail that kills you, you know I used to cocaine and Xanax. That was my shit Yeah, so I'd get so low that I had to come back up and then I'd have to go back down again I don't my heart is fucked. Yeah, I'm gonna resign a hundred percent. Yeah, yeah

Like my, my heart is fucked because it's just like needs stimulation so much that now I'm like, like I said, I've drank a fucking four shots of espresso today and a C4. And I'm like, but my, I don't know. I don't know. Like, that's kind of like I operate in those ways and it's not great, but, but regardless of that. So like I, I have been going, going, going on this journey. And, uh, I basically like one day after funny enough, uh,

Why I also have so much love in my heart for Bella, who we were talking about earlier, is like that was the reason I got sober. It was the end of that relationship. That relationship ended, funny enough, at Coachella.

So fucking LA. I was about to say an LA love story. Yeah. It was so gross. It ended at Coachella. It's so gross. It ended at Coachella, like literally at the festival. And I had a friend who lived out in the middle of Joshua tree and had just had like Airstream trailers. And I just took all my drugs in a backpack and went to this Airstream trailer in the middle of Joshua tree and was like, hold up in there for two days to the point that like my friend, um,

who I was just with last night, shout out Losty. He was like my quote unquote assistant, living with me at the time.

kind of a caretaker in a lot of ways because I was like in my really bad phase of being an addict he like had to drive down from LA to Joshua Tree like throw me in the he found me in an airstream in the middle of Joshua Tree like passed out with like a bag of cocaine on my fucking chest legitimately and uh threw me in the back of the car and like drove me back up to LA and from that moment on I went on like a six-day bender that if I shut my eyes for maybe an hour I

every three days during that like I really was like pushed it to my limits and uh like on a suicide mission I really did I really did and um it was also just mixing like Whippets and and uh Academy and all the all ridiculous like stupid just like ridiculous but anyways um after this like long I wasn't at was staying at my house I was staying at my friend's house after this long like

four or five days of being at my friend's house just out of my mind i like came back to my house and lined up this like really fat fucking caterpillar line of cocaine snorted my eyes and rolled them to the back of my head and my guy who was talking about lost he basically like found me just fucking out down and out like on my bathroom floor like came to didn't have to go to the hospital came to and i

was really like, damn, that was it. Like, I just got my second lease on life. I'm fucking done. I'm fucking done. And I quit. I'm so happy. And I quit. And to everyone out there that is at all thinking of sobriety or what can come with it or, you know, how to do it or whatever, like, I look at it in a way that I also made this great trade.

And it's like, again, the world makes you think that it's not okay to ask for something when you're doing something that's like good for yourself. Right. Oh, I asked for something. Okay. I was like, I have, I knew cocaine was going to kill me from literally a year into doing it. I was like, cocaine is going to kill me. Okay.

I had these big wide dreams in my eyes of being super successful as a musician and, you know, getting the big record deal and making it and getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and all that. And I was blocking my blessing because I was bringing around a suitcase filled with shame everywhere I went. Okay.

I felt shameful every time I did a lot of cocaine. Okay. So I can be working as hard as I've ever worked and going so hard and making great things and doing all this. But I am telling whatever is up here, I'm a God person ever since I got sober. It brought me to like faith and God and all that before it was just like the universe. And you're just telling whatever you believe in that you don't deserve it.

Because you feel shame about yourself. Now, if you're an addict that doesn't feel bad about fucking drinking or doing drugs or any of that, I don't think you're blocking your blessing. I don't think it's great for you, but I don't think you're blocking your blessing because you're not telling the higher power that I'm a piece of shit. I was telling the higher power, I'm a piece of shit. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it.

And so the second that I got sober, I was like, check it out. I was like, God, I was like, whatever this is that I'm talking to, like, I'm going to show you that I'm worth it. And I'm going to make the great trade. And the great trade is I am going to change my life and stop all this shame, put down the cocaine, put down the alcohol, put down the drugs. And in return, I want you to give me my dreams. I want you to give me my fucking dreams. And I swear to you not like.

within a year, like every one of those dreams that I hadn't checked off of my bucket list happened just like that. And I'm just like, yeah, it can sound selfish to be like, I want something in return, but I fucking did and I fucking got it. And it helps me stay sober knowing that like I owe a favor. I even owe a favor of being like, thank you so much. You did it. And like, whatever I do from here on out,

Fucking extra credit. It's extra credit because I know that I asked you for a specific thing and you fucking gave it to me. That's amazing. That is a beautiful story. I love that even in your lowest moment, you...

Because most people will like overdose or go through something like that and they'll be like, oh, I made it. Maybe I should do it again. Or they don't learn their lesson. And in that moment, you were like, no, fuck this. I'm fed up and I'm going to do better. And it seems to be a pattern in your life of proving that you are worth it. And I think that stems from maybe your dad not coming around as a little boy and not

But that's been your drive. Yeah. What has been your cross to bear has also been your saving grace. Mm-hmm. You know? And it's beautiful. You're awesome. Thank you. No, but it's so real. And I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Like, I'm genuinely proud of you. And that's why I say sobriety does suck. But it's the most rewarding journey you will ever be on. Yeah. And I think...

a lot of people in this world need a role model like you they need somebody who's you know looks like you cool and tattoos and is in the music industry that is showing like hey i have struggled my ass off but i'm still fighting i'm still here you're not going to keep me down and

That's a role model to me. That's what people need. I love that. And I would love to be able to do that for anyone. You know, that is truly my goal. Like, in my prayers, too, I'm just like, allow me to be of service. Like, allow me to be of service today to...

all the people down here and, you know, and, and, and just reminding myself that, that, that service can come as far. It, it can be as huge as, as saying something that changes someone's life. It can be as small as something is holding the door for someone, you know, and just like lead with that. Keep this light around you and, you know,

finding your worth and finding your purpose and all that is really important. But like it all boils down to like, dude, how do you just like, how are you just proud of yourself? Yeah. How are you just proud of yourself? How did you do something nice today that made you feel proud of yourself? Yeah. That's so real. Can you talk about doing drugs with your dad? Like he came back around and like, yeah, yeah, a hundred percent. So like my, um,

My father, we had these points in our life where I would go years without talking to him, you know, through being like, man, fuck you. You're a piece of shit or fuck you. You hurt my sister. You know, her relationship was even harder, like with him in a lot of ways, you know, and and like, you know, you can fucking go outside if you need to, because I know you can start crying. I have dad trauma, too. So I'll probably cry with you guys. I'll give you a big hug. I promise. I'm sorry. And so like, you know.

He was a couch surfer, hustler all the way until the day he died. But basically we had gone years without talking to each other. And his girlfriend one day, cause I had moved. So he, he was living out in Long Beach.

um i got by the way i got sent out in the middle of high school senior year my mom couldn't couldn't handle me anymore because i was just like a troubled kid she sent me to go in high school live with my dad in long beach which was like the funniest decision she could ever make because it was just like insanity but free for all yeah yeah and so we would connect and then um

I was on tour one time. This is why we had our big fallout. I was on tour one time and I ended a tour in California. This was like broke boy touring still. I was still in a band and I came and stayed at his house and I was there and like we got wasted together. Me and my band was there. We were having like this like party. We got wasted together. I walked out on the streetlights with him. He looked at me. Both of us fucking blackout drunk. He looked at me and he was like, the doctor told me I got a month to live. And I was like, what the fuck?

I was like, what the fuck? I was like, I'm not going back home. Like my band can go back home without me. This is when I literally like was like out. Cause okay.

it's a funny i kind of skipped over something in the band thing i got kicked out of that one band right i got picked up by another band to play drums that led me to be in this giant band called scary kids scaring kids playing drums and it all them it all yeah i played drums to them and it all worked out my first tour ever as mod sun was scary kids scaring kids going yo will you play drums for us and i was like i'll only do it if i can open his mod son wow so

So my whole first, it stands for movement on dream stand under none. I looked up at the sky one night. I said, what is my name? It came into my head and I never questioned it. Came into my head. M O D S U N. What does that mean? Movement on dream stand under none. What does that mean? Modern sunshine. Like that, that was it. And I never questioned it once. There was never any other name. It happened in one minute.

You're so spiritual without even really knowing it. For sure. I mean, you might know it now, but back then, I don't know if you did. I like to believe it. It's hard to convince yourself sometimes that you're connected to something, but I believe it. For sure. But my first tour as Matsan was literally performing to a hardcore audience.

post hardcore like crowd being just boot off stage coming out rapping over Miley Cyrus party in the USA like getting just boot off stage I would pay to see that somebody give me the footage yes real talk it's out there I'll send it to you but anyway so I go after this tour my dad's like says this to me and I'm like yo everyone can whatever I got my laptop with me I'm just gonna work on this Mod Sun music that I really believe in and he never mentioned it again

after that night and he didn't die and I didn't see him go to the hospital and I was like what the fuck is going on here dude like why would you tell me that and nothing happened and I was like there for like fucking like four months like being like what the fuck is going on yeah and I'm not gonna say what I think was going on because I truly don't know but I didn't talk to him for like two or three years after that you know

What, I mean, do you think maybe he knew he had a terminal illness and just didn't know how to tell you? Or do you think he was? I don't think it was that. I think it was something else that I would hate to say. Because if I was wrong, I would feel like an asshole. Okay, but it was a form of manipulation? Yeah. That's terrible. Maybe I'm fucking wrong and he just was cured.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. But it fucked me up. And I went like two or three years. One last piece of trauma, dad. Thank you. I went like two or three years without talking to him. And then all of a sudden I was living in California. Okay. I had moved out to California by this time. Fast forward three years. I'm living in California. I'm living up in North Hollywood. And his girlfriend called my sister and was like, yo, your father's in the hospital. He's on like...

not like life support, but maybe like something like that. Like dialysis or something. Yeah. Okay. Are you talking about when he started living with me? Okay. So I guess he was in a coma. I love how detached you were from it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For real. No, no, no, no, no. But check this out. I drive down there.

Okay. Drive down to the hospital. My sister's still living in Minnesota at the time. She flies out. And basically his girlfriend had to show up to be like, here's your dad's bag. He can't live with me anymore. Okay. Kicking him out. Which I don't fucking blame her at all. Dude was like a fucking crazy, right? So I'm like, here we go again. Let's open the door.

move up to North Hollywood with me, my dad ends up literally sleeping on my couch. Like I'm talking to my grown up father, like sleeping on my couch and like being like my kid. And my dad knows that when I'm talking like this, I'm not talking down because I, in the same sentence, I'll be like coolest dude that ever lived. Coolest fucking dude that ever lived. And I would not be me without him. You know, this is not like hate train. This is just like what it was, you know, hurt. It's pain that you're allowed to talk about. Yeah. And, uh, and you know, so he starts living with me.

And we're having a great time because this is like my friend, you know, this is like truly my friend. And, uh, and so, you know, we're living at this house in North Hollywood, which is where my like cocaine days, like really got out of control. I'm talking like the ugly cocaine where you just have like a plate out at all times. Been there, done that. Yeah. I had a candle, like a candle holder that had lines just lined up on it all the time. We think it's so glamorous. It's so cool. It's so Myspace. Yeah. So rich.

I know. I know. And, um, and yeah, I mean, he just proceeds. What, what really fucked up was that the doctor was like, dude can never drink again. You know, if he ever drinks again, he's going to die. Did he have cirrhosis of the liver? Yeah. Okay. So it was like, he ever drinks again, he's going to die. He's in your care. And I'm like, I'm like, dad, you can't drink. You cannot drink because you're not dying on my hands. You cannot drink. It was like, didn't tell me I can't do Coke. Yeah.

They just don't want help, man. That's how my parents are. And I'm like, you're not wrong. I'm like, shit, it's 3 a.m., I'm by myself. You want to, I guess, let's blow these lines down. Like, yeah, you're

You're not wrong. They didn't say that, you know? They just said no alcohol. And like, again, dude was so cool. I wish everyone in the world could meet him because he was so cool and charismatic and funny. Life was a joke to him. Life was literally, the purpose of life was to make people laugh. And he would make you fucking laugh. He would own every room he walked into and make every...

Fuck it. He had women. Like, women loved this man. Charismatic. He could be living out of his piece of shit car and he would be able to be in a relationship with a beautiful woman. Like, they loved him. They loved this man. This is probably his first life here. Yeah. Yeah, true. True. Certainly. So he came in just fucking guns a blazing. Yeah. Life's a party. Yep. Yeah. And so...

I ended up moving out of that house to another house down in Laurel Canyon. And I got a room for him. So I was like, all right, my dad like rolls with me. Like this is my road dog. Like you come on tour with me, you do this with me, like whatever. And things were going fine. And then I went into his room one night and I found a bunch of plastic bottles of vodka under his bed. And I was like, yo, I was like, you're out.

I was like, you're out, bro, because you're not dying under my roof. Like, I'm not going to take the responsibility that I'll live with for the rest of my life that you fucking died under my roof. You're out. And it was so hard because, again, I had to disconnect from my father again. Yeah. The same cycle all over again, you know, but I knew it was the right thing. I knew it was the right thing to do.

So then he goes off, lives with another girlfriend. That was kind of his thing. He'd go find a girlfriend to live with. And it's hard because we didn't die. He didn't die on the best terms with each other. Because another two years, whatever, went by. Damn, dad was hanging on. Yeah. For dear life. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, hey.

You know, I got a call last night. I've talked about this before, so I'll talk about it again just because it is a big part of the story. But I got a call from him one night. We always had this deal. He was like, if I die, you get my bird. He had an African gray parrot his whole fucking life. This was his best friend. He had a love relationship with this bird for real. This was his soulmate, was his bird. And he was like, when I die, she's yours, right? And so I got a voicemail on my phone one night that's like, hey, man. I could hear it in his voice. Hey, man, you know, something came up. Ruby's yours.

I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck's going on? So I get my car and I start driving down Long Beach and I'm calling him over and over and over and over and over and over and over. And he finally answers. He's like, it's already done, man. Don't even just turn around. Just turn around. It's already done. The deal's already done. Just turn around. I'm like, dude, I'm 20 minutes away. Just hold on. Just hold on. Just fucking hold on.

Dude, I get to fucking Long Beach. I kick open the door and he's like sitting there with his like fucking wrist in the air, like in a pool of blood and shit. And I walk in, slip on the pool of blood, fall into it. And I fucking just start slapping him, slapping him. I'm just like, what's your favorite Allman Brothers song? What's your favorite Allman Brothers song? He like, his eyes come open. He's like whipping post. If anyone who knows the song whipping post, like it's like, I feel like dying. It was like the craziest I just say in that state. But anyways, that being said, ambulance was called, came,

And brought him back to life. Saved his life. Brought him back to life. All good. You know, shit happened. That is so traumatic for you to have to go through. Very traumatic. Like, I'm trying not to cry over here. Very traumatic. That's so tough. And all good. And he made it through. And, you know, at that moment, I was like, Dad, you need to get help. When you get let out of this hospital, I stitched you back up.

You got these badass stitches now. All right. I know you like that, Mr. Hell's Angel. Like, you know what I'm saying? It's like they let you out. I'll put you anywhere you need to go to get help. I got you whatever you need. And he was just like, man, I was wasted. I don't even remember what happened.

You know, my mom, who has this horrible relationship with him, calls him and is just like, you need to apologize to your son. Apologize. You need to apologize to your son. And he's just like, I won't do it. You know. And so, boom, we we we split. We split there. That was when I was like, whatever. But that was when I started going really off the rails because this was still drug addict days, you know.

I went really off the rails. That's a lot of trauma. Scaring my family, won't pick up the phone. You know, the crazy thing is like when I got into my car after the ambulance came and picked him up, I was like, you son of a bitch. I was like, you, my crazy kind of narcissistic mind as well. I was like,

You were giving me a story, weren't you? You were giving me some kind of crazy story from my life. Like, weren't you like you son of a bitch? I almost got from that story. And I was going to say this in a second was I feel like your dad knew that you would save him. Yeah. So I don't think he really wanted to die at that moment. I think he just. I don't think he did either. Knew. I don't think he did either. And also I did. I also part of me is like.

Part of me is like, my dad is a dude who doesn't want to look like a faker. As soon as he found out I was on his way, that's when I think he did this. I am so sorry. That's not okay. No, it's not okay. And that was when I really had to cut off this relationship. That was when I really had to cut it off. Understandably. Yeah, I really had to cut it off because I was like, oh my God, this is like...

like fucking insanity i was like this crazy also and then in the same breath i was like you son of a bitch you wanted me to have this goddamn story of like pivotal fucking whatever in my life this is when everything changed and now i'm worth it to be an artist like whatever tortured artist syndrome like van gogh cut off his ear that the whole goddamn thing through every artist and i think they have to be tortured to be brilliant yeah my dad was like that i'm like

You gave me this. All right. I'm going to wear it as my badge of honor now and whatever. I mean, he's given you a lifetime of trauma. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that was a huge piece of it. But it started when you were young, baby. Big facts. Big facts. And he moved away with another girl. Even after he slid his wrist, he just moved away with another girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we'd reach out every now and then. And then the bummer is this, is like we were supposed to meet up.

Like, maybe this was, like, two years after this happened. We were supposed to meet up. He's like, hey, man, I'm coming down. I had, like, healed from this a little bit. I was like, yes, let's get lunch. You know? Let's get lunch. I healed from this. You're self-forgiving. You know? And I do want to talk to you. God damn it, I miss you. You're my fucking dog, you know? And you're my dad. That little boy in you just wanted your daddy. Yeah. And, um...

He was, uh, he was, he was, he made plans to come down, um, on a train and then, oh my God, I didn't zip up my fucking zipper after. Oh, I can't see it. I went to the bathroom halfway because we got camera angles, but keep that in. I'm a real person. and, um,

So he was getting on a train to come down and the day before he's like, "Hey man, so can you pick up me and my girlfriend from the train station and then can you take us to this classic car lot? We're gonna look at buying this car." And I was like, "Bro, what the fuck? I'm not trying to see you and your girl. You were coming down to see me."

now this is about you and your girl coming down to buy a classic car? Like, what the fuck? I was like, no. I was like, no, dude, no. I was like, I was going to see you. And I was like, it was a lot for me to even say I was going to go get lunch with you, you know? And I was like, no, no, it's not happening. And then shortly after that, he went into another coma. And that was how he went out. But the caveat to all this is that when I got to go see him in the hospital, I brought one of those little JVC speakers in my pocket.

And it was during COVID. So it was a one at a time thing.

And, like, my sister went in. You know, my sister never should have done all this, but she had to take on, like, all of this, like, the adult, you know? Because he had no one. He had no one, and my sister took just all this on. I love you. I love you. Look at she is getting on. You have my glasses? And anyways, anyways, anyways, cool rock and roll part about it is that I got my chance. Should we all just hug right now? I feel like everybody's crying. I feel like we need hugs and shit. Yeah, come on. Let's hug.

Yeah

capping the cool part here we go okay so like my sister goes in and sees him and like I go in and get my chance to see him and I pull out this speaker and I fucking turn it on full volume and play Whipping Post by the Allman Brothers and I get kicked out of the hospital oh no

very rock and roll and i gave i know he was because because when i said i was like what's your favorite almond brother song in this crazy time i was like man that might be the last thing that he heard which is like his fucking song dude and uh but i thought that was just the way that he wanted to go out and i was like i'm gonna give that to you pops after all this shit like hell yeah you know

That's the way you'd want it. Me getting kicked out of the hospital, coming to see him, you know? Oh my God, dude. That is a lot. Yeah. A lot to unpack, a lot to process, a lot to hear. I couldn't imagine living through that. You know, you and your sister both are so, you guys are making me cry, man. You guys are so lucky to have each other. Straight up. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. You guys are so lucky to have each other to just go through life.

all this fucked up shit together. And, you know, I have trauma with my family too. And I have learned with my dad, especially and my mom. And before my mom died, it was kind of the same thing with, I inherited custody of her and fucking hadn't she, her and I ended up not talking and she ended up just dying abruptly one day in my care. And the biggest lesson that my mother ever gave me in her life was in her death.

And it was forgiveness that if no, which forgiveness is on everybody's own terms and on your own time, but forgiveness is for you. It's not for them. And, you know, our parents, for some reason, that generation of human, um,

did not want to fucking fix their trauma. They were content being fucking wild hellions and you weren't going to tell them. They were going to live their life how they wanted to. It didn't matter who they hurt. And we are here to correct that. You're breaking generational curses. Thank you. Every day. I have been telling myself that for a long fucking time. You are. You're doing it. I was like, my dad was so close to being...

the fucking coolest shit in the world and he just couldn't get past this one thing. He sabotaged himself. Yeah, I was like, the tree was going like this and then, you know, from me on out it goes like this, you know? Yeah. No, but you are. You guys are both breaking generational curses. You guys are doing everything right and you guys are

Just beautiful humans. And I want you to know that I'm so sorry that that is part of your story. It's really heartbreaking and there's not much more that I can even. No, thank you for all that. And it, you know, like, again, there's like that flip side to everything. And like, you know, my sister shortly after all this had happened. Well, she had just moved out to L.A., but but it really has brought us to like this thing where we're just like,

man the world like we got each other you know yeah you guys against the world and she goes on tour with me she's she's a tour manager well no wonder she's banging the who are you banging oh yeah the drummer the drummer no wonder you're banging the drummer you're always with him

I mean, now I get it. Now I get it. It's the inevitable. You got her on tour and everything. I mean, yeah, for sure. I'd be banging the drummer too. Yeah, yeah. She's my ride or die for sure. Thank you guys for sharing that. That was really heavy. Yeah. You know, I just hope that you guys are able to find peace with everything one of these days whenever you're ready. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I have in a lot of ways. I've always felt like I've been able to zoom out from the situation that I have. Obviously, just hope for... My sister's gone through everything I have, but plus more because she had to raise me

You know, in a lot of ways. You know, because my mom was, like, a single mom, so she had to work all the fucking time. Yeah. You know? All the time. Yeah. All the time my mom had to work. And, like, greatest mom in the world is my mom and always felt like my mom. But then when I grow up, I realize, like, being able to talk to my sister that it was, like, oh, no, my sister, like, fucking had to raise me as well. Mm-hmm.

You know, it's crazy because I don't know if you believe in it, but soul families, like we pick our families for the lessons that we want before we go. So I, this is what I believe. Not everybody believes it, but I truly 100% wholeheartedly believe that we have soul families and that can reach out to our friends. That can be, that can be like your sister, like your sister could have been your mom in another life. And that's why she's so motherly to you. Your dad is,

could have been like a son in another life. And that's why you were kind of like his father here. You know, my mom, I know it's crazy as fuck and it's like mind blowing, but my mother, like Tyler Henry was just on my podcast and he even, yeah, it's, I, you guys got to see the clip on a tick tock. It's at like 2 million right now. Fucking it's me bawling my eyes out. But my mom came through and she was like, I am so sorry for what I've done to you. And she, he said that she's, he's, she's showing me the mother and daughter inverted and,

And he said that you were like her mother and she was like your daughter. And this and that just confirmed everything that I've ever believed in, because literally I feel like we pick the lessons that we want to go through in life before we get here.

And I know it sounds crazy and it's weird, but it's like our soul... Listen, listen. Our soul yearns. It's maybe the least crazy thing that we've talked about today to me. I'm like, yes. Yeah. Yes. Without a doubt. No, but I feel like our soul yearns for those lessons. And so your lesson... I always say you have to find the blessing and the lesson in every situation that you have. So it's like...

in the situation with your dad, what was the blessing and what has been the lesson. And then from that, that is what you have to work on in your life and what you're here for. That's your life purpose is to figure out why your life took these turns and went in the trajectory that it did. And then your dad put you through what he did because your soul yearned for that before you came here. I know it's wild, but yeah.

I mean, I feel like you nailed it for me. Yeah. 100%. Aw. Well, let's talk about something fun. You want to talk about? Let's switch real quick. You brought me a book. Yes. Yes. Did I ever wake up? What is this? Tell me all about it. That's my first book. So I have six books out, but that's my first book. And it's the thing that really changed my life, like that truly changed my life as far as like art. Like, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

um it's like how do you know this was this was a 21 year old mad son who was living his life by the law of attraction and the secret and the only time i ever heard people uh speak on it especially at this time was much older people you know that i was like i want to make a version that youngins can

hear those words and actually connect the same thing with the hockey and the handsome thing. Yeah. I wanted to make that, I wanted to make my version of the secret or the law of attraction and what that meant to, from the lens of a younger person. Um, so it's like very like creative writing, but motivational. It's like the, did I ever wake up is like basically being like how to live your life. Like it's a dream and believe that you're in a dream and believe that you're like able to do manifest. Yes. To believe that.

And it changed my life. I mean, that book has sold like 200,000 copies. It's...

It's the one thing that I've been able to live my journey through is this piece of intellectual property that is my book. And you have six books. I have six books out, yeah. Tell me about this. This is fascinating. This is the only one that's in this realm, and then I have two poetry books out, and then I have three journaled kind of... If I had one here, it'd be really easy to understand, but it's like I go on some kind of trip, and I write the first half of this...

like a hundred page thing or whatever. I write my story just day by day. This day, did this, did this, this, this, and then the cover is on the, the same cover is on the flip side of the back. So you flip it over like that. It looks the exact same, but then you go to the pages and they're blank. So it's like two stories come to live together and it kind of like influences like the younger generation, the importance of writing and not just diary entries, but like to write and, and literature and the importance of those things that, that,

that live between the pages. All the answers are in the books, truly. And not my books, the books, I'm saying. Like, period, you know? And so I just like to influence, like, the world to...

to be in touch with especially like the importance of literature and just like telling your own story. Not for the simple fact of being like, the world needs to hear my story, but telling yourself your story, you know? Documenting things, living like you're dead, like living like you're dead, making art like you're dead and gone. How important would it be for your...

100 years from now people have connected to your family to find your journal it would be so amazing for them yeah they would love that that

My brain is over here. You already know. My brain is like going, because I'm writing a book this year actually too about my life. Great. It's so important. It's so important. I think those things I tell as many people possible that like, also like check it out, dude. Fucking music is the one piece of art that I do that I feel has so little intellectual property because my favorite song is Like a Rolling Stone, let's say, right? Bob Dylan, Like a Rolling Stone. Regarded as the greatest song of all time.

That is 99 cents right now. Okay. A song that a kid just made his very first song that let's just, let's just for all sakes of this argument, call it terrible. Okay. It's 99 cents. That is fucked up to me. Yeah. If this is a song that's regarded as the greatest song of the world, why is it the same price as the song from the kid that just made it last night in one hour, not knowing what he was doing? Yeah. Why is that? Okay. A book that is intellectual property.

If I say that book is worth $3,000, that book is worth $3,000 fucking dollars. Period. End of discussion. And like, I don't care how much it took to make it. I don't care how much time it took to take it. If I say that's how much it is worth, that's how much it's worth. And it's the same with my paintings. And it's the same with any of the things that I do outside of music. Because music, I'm in this confine of...

of a world that's not changing and hasn't changed. And it's like, that's just a crazy thing to me that there's a set price on greatness in that world. But a painting, you know, a fucking Basquiat painting is selling for $200 million. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you know what I'm saying? I've never looked at it that way. Yeah. That's amazing. It's like, that's why I love those types of intellectual property. I think they're so important. Yeah. You're not putting your worth comparatively, like, stuck in a world. Like, you could literally tell, you could say, I'm making one book and I'm selling it for $100,000. And you'll find someone to buy that book. Oh, for sure.

All you need to do is sell one at that price. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. No, that's wild. I've never thought of it that way. Your mind is brilliant. It really is. And I feel like, dude, you need your own podcast. Modcast. It's coming. Oh my God. Yes. Do it. I love that. I'll listen to it and I'll support it. Okay. Please do. Please do. Yeah. You need one because this generation needs to hear what you have to say because you are, you have so much depth and

And so many people, I do a lot of interviews. So many people do not have depth and you really need to have a microphone in front of you. That might be your calling. And this podcast has been so fucking therapeutic for me. I know if you had a podcast. Oh my God. I mean, I hear it with you. I hear you allowing people to like find themselves when I, when I listened to your episodes. And then I also hear you stumble upon things that you're figuring out about yourself when you're talking to someone asking that and you ask the question and you're like, Oh shit. Yeah.

I love it. I needed you today. I can totally admit that I needed you today. Mimi's shaking her head yes. No, I needed you today. This was such a blessing because I just fucking had the worst day yesterday and I was just really questioning a lot of things and then you just came in here and the things that you have said have just sparked my flame again and I needed that. Thank you for that. Thank you for your time. That makes me so happy.

Oh, yeah. That's why she's the manager. Man, watch this. So, so years go by and my, so I got one of the things that changed my life that this is awesome to mention is that after, um,

A year and a half of being Mod Sun and releasing music as Mod Sun, my brand of like rapping and this, I got chosen by Rolling Stone magazine to be one of 15 people put in a contest to be the first unsigned artist put on the cover of Rolling Stone, right? And it was just like this thing that I was like,

The law of attraction is real. Like, are you hearing me yet? Like it's real. All my songs are about the law of attraction and I'm about, I'm in five issues of Rolling Stone right now. Yeah. This is fucking nuts. Yeah. And so while that's going on,

Here comes the guitar player that kicked me out from the other band and he was in a band that was signed and they break up and he sends me a picture of him having my logo at mass like this tattooed on his wrist and he goes so proud of you bro. So proud of you bro. And I was like, I have missed you so goddamn much. I have missed you so much. I was like,

Come be my guitar player. You are so forgiving. I'm going out to New York to do this competition for Rolling Stone and be on camera for a week. Come be my DJ and guitar player, bro. I have missed you so much. Boom. He's there.

We go on for years together to tour the world together. And he's guitar and singing. And he's been featured on some of my songs. His name's Pat Brown. Love him to death. The what I do and my life and being an artist was not made for him. So now he's a tour manager now. And he tour manages Tiesto. Oh, nice. He's popping. He's legit. He did his thing. Brought him back around.

We fucking had an amazing run, traveled the world together, still talk to this day. The other guy that kicked me out, he was my DJ before. He became my DJ after he kind of left. No, no, no. It was before he was my first DJ, before my friend Pat came around. And then he decided to go to art school and went to art school for a while and then was like, man, this school shit's not for me. I was like, he came to my going away party to move to California, right?

I hadn't talked to him for like two years. Came to my going away party that my sister threw me a surprise party. She invited him. He came. We hadn't talked in a while. He's like, man, I'm going through this rough relationship. I just broke up. Like, I want to quit school. I don't know what to do. I was like, I'm moving to California tomorrow. I got an extra bedroom there. I have missed you. I was like, if you fucking want to pack your shit up, come live with me, bro. Just let's work together. You make art.

And shit, you can do all my covers and shoot some videos and DJ, play guitar, whatever you want to do, you know, and brought him back around. And now he's still out here. He's gone on to be a huge person, graphic designer for girls, skateboards, and now he has his own

creative agency and stuff and so you know I'm super proud of both of them but you broke my damn heart and I never held it against you yeah he's a Pisces he definitely held it against you yeah yeah you sure you wanna be in this same town as me

I love that. And then lastly, I know I've had you forever, but we have to talk about you're going to be dropping an album. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to be dropping an album. My first song from this new run of things. I have left the internet for the last six months. I haven't dropped anything in almost a year. And I'm coming back with my song that I've worked so hard on.

on this new music, but also just came into it so pure. Like I said, like I went back to Minnesota. I was like, I'm not going to make music for three years. And if I want to, after that, cool, I will. I came in with so much pure intention to make music. And I stumbled upon making what I like believe is like, could be the song that everyone knows me for, for the rest of my life, you know? And, um,

Cal's helped write on it with me. One of my newest additions to my best friendography is this guy named No Love, who is, I think, one of the most talented people around. It's just this tight-knit group that we have. And yes, I'm releasing a song. It's going to be out on June 7th. So depending on when this comes out, it's either out right now or it's about to come out. And...

From there, I'm going to just continue releasing over the summer and then I'm going to go on a tour. Most likely this will be out when this gets announced too as well at the end of September. Yay! We'll be on tour too. So I get my own tour bus whenever I go on tour with Daddy. And so hopefully our paths will cross. I can't wait. It'll have to. We can either go to one of your shows or you come to ours.

ours or both or whatever yeah we'll have to link schedules yeah that'll be fun and I'm just I've never been more fulfilled with the music I make and and this the simple fact is that like I you know I was drummer growing up and I always wanted to play guitar and get good at guitar and I've kept 12 guitars around me at all times throughout my whole life and just never clicked for me and um

Within the last six months, due to my really great friend, Noel Love, who's an incredible guitar player, it's clicked for me. It's totally clicked. And I've been writing all my songs just me and a guitar. And whether they get like a little production on top of that, it's all very purposeful production. But a lot of it, my favorite song I've ever wrote that I've been trying to write since I was 13 years old, it's called Morning Breaks. It's going to come out this summer. It's just my voice and a guitar, same time recorded playing it. And it is...

The song I've been trying to write my entire life and my friends that mean the world to me are like, I cried to this, you know? I cried to this song and I'm just like,

bingo i'm i'm fulfilled i'm just so fulfilled musically my expectations are start and end right there am i fulfilled absolutely good let it out into the world whatever these things do grow up on your own and and have a great time out there songs but you have fulfilled me and i'm so proud of that and i have nothing but happiness to to share it with the world and that's all i want to do is share it

Grow your own legs. Go live your life. I hope you become the biggest goddamn songs that I've ever created. They will. But either way, you have made me so happy. Say they will. They will. They will. I know. I believe they will. But I'm also like, you're a child that hasn't been born yet, so I'm not telling you you have to be a goddamn superstar. But I expect you to be a fucking superstar. Get the fuck up and let's get to work, baby. I love it. I'm excited to hear it. My favorite music is stripped down music like that, like acoustic, where you can just feel it. You're going to love it.

You're going to love it. Yeah. You're going to love it. Send it to me. I want to hear it. Give me a sneak peek so we can listen to it on the way home. I will. I will. Maude, thank you for coming here today. Thank you. This is great. And I needed you. But also, also, my story is that I needed you. I think I tell some of my close friends, too, when they're going through something, I'm like, well, you know what? Go outside and be social. Go into a social setting. You might be like, man, I don't feel like being around people tonight. Go out. You'll be reminded how much people love you. Yeah.

And like, that is so crucial to getting through a tough time. Like, remind yourself how loved you are.

You know, just like it's okay to do these little like hacks in life. It's not all this like be present, be in the moment, make sure that you're focused on the right. It's like, no, allow other people to make you happy as well. And like, don't be so goddamn hard on yourself. Be gentle. Go out. Remind yourself. It could be one person that's like, damn, I miss seeing you. And you're like, I needed that. Yeah. You're just like, I needed that. Thank God. I am great.

I love that. What are you guys fucking doing over here? I'm watching her looking at her over here. Everybody's fucking crying. Y'all my new best friends, man.

God, you guys. Maude, I love you. And I want you to come back to the podcast as many times as you want. I would love to. Come and co-host with me one day or something maybe. I would love to. That would be so fun. I would love to. All right. I love you. Thank you so much for having me on. This has been...

Why don't you tell people where they can find you just in case they don't know where you're at. M-O-D-S-U-N on everything. Modsun. And, you know, I would love to meet you all out there. Anyone out there. See you on tour. Great talks really happen. Great connections really happen. Friends are still alive and well. It's never too late to make a new friend. Love you so much. Thank you. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I will see you guys next week. Bye.