Karma Rx: Limp Fetish and Trauma Bonds
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All right, gentlemen, coming to main stage next, this is Bunny. Get up there, she's got a tornado of titties coming your way. Get those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes like Michael J. Fox. So get up there and throw, throw, throw them dollars. Dude, that is fucking iconic. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, we have an icon in the midst. Oh, shit.

Karma, our ex, is in the house. Baby, what's up? What's up? We got two dumb blondes today. I know. I'm so excited about this. Two not-so-dumb blondes, really, if you think about it. I mean, depends on who you ask, I suppose. Do you think people have that misconception of you? I love it when they do. I love being the underdog. Like, that's why I'm always for the underdogs, because literally, I love when people judge me. Oh, yeah. Because I'm like, oh, bitch, you have no idea. You've only uncovered one layer, you know? Yeah, I mean, I feel like they haven't even really... I mean...

The assumption that just because you're hot, you're stupid is just-- you haven't even uncovered one layer. I feel like that's old time fucking way of thinking. Yeah, because there's lots of hot, stupid girls, and all of them are poor. Yeah, right. All of them are fucking dogs in the backyard.

Porn houses, you know, we were just talking about fucking, I guess all the girls in porn are fucking dogs now. That's supposedly, that's now like a thing, I don't know. We'll get to that, but so what the fuck are you doing in Tennessee? You're in my neck of the woods now. Yeah, I live here. I don't live in this town, but I live, you know, a couple towns over there. You live in Clarksville, right? Can we say that? Or do you have stalkers? Well, I don't live in Clarksville, so we can't say that. Okay, cool. But yeah, no, I live by outside Chattanooga. Oh, okay, gotcha, gotcha. I'm so far outside of Chattanooga. And also this cool place I built, or I bought,

So like in order to get to my home, there's like a long driveway. So I'm not that scared. Yay. Good. I love that though. Yeah. You gotta like really commit to come into my house. Like you had a lot of opportunities to make a different choice. Right. Right. Like you're going to be tired as fuck by the time you get to my door. You're not even going to want to do anything to me by the time you get to my fucking door. What brought you out here though? Like California. I don't know.

So California, you're just like over California? I mean, there's people...

Like, if you get to know me, like, there's people who don't like California, and then there's me. And there's, like, I... So I go out there every, you know, every couple months to work still. And, like, dude, just when I get off the plane, I can feel, like, my shoulders coming up. And, like, I feel like... I mean, it makes me so fucking enraged. That's how I get with Vegas, because I grew up in Vegas. Yeah, I don't like Vegas either, but California, especially LA. Like, just the rudeness of these fucking people. Yeah, and, like, I'm...

I feel like I was meant to grow up in a little southern town, you know, where I live now. Yeah. So I could be nice. But, like, I mean, I was homeless in L.A. for four years. I have, like... It's not like I'm... I'm not a country girl. Right. I'm, like, a L.A. killer. No, no, no. I totally understand. But, like, in the worst way, and I don't like anything that it...

anything that that whole fucking state represents anything about it even the weather is trash it's not that good it's fucking windy like fuck your weather yeah the town that i live in we don't even have wind like the most we get is like a moderate breeze like fuck la no i i i told it listen if anybody can be compassionate with that whole situation it's me because the minute i get off the plane in vegas i'm so happy to like be back on the west coast because you know once you're when you're from the west coast you're like i'm from the west coast it's a vibe you know

And then after I've been there, like, two days, I'm like, I want to go home. Yeah. Because, like, coming here is so peaceful. I try to tell everybody that. Like, it's so good for your soul to just be out here in the country, away from all that fucking, you know, razzle-dazzle on the other side of the world. Yeah, I mean, I think I stayed a little too long to where I don't have that at all. I don't even have that. I don't want anyone to know I'm from California. I go there, and it literally, like, it makes me... Just from... I fly a lot, so every time I would fly... I mean, I always look...

like the world from the air, you know? And LA is so fucking dog shit, dude. And then like, when I come like fly back to Chattanooga, like to Chattanooga airport, like, Oh, it's so pretty. There's lakes and yeah, it's green and there's lakes. And I'm like, Oh God, I want to look. That's where I want to go. The first tour that I went on with my husband went outside. Like I had, I traveled all the time, you know, I was a hooker. All I did was fucking fly around everywhere, but I had never really got to see the world from the road. Right.

and going to all these cities with him, I was like, Oh my God, there's trees. Oh my God. Look at these old houses. And like, he used to get so amazed by how amazed I was with their culture, you know? So it's, I think it's a good change for both of us. Absolutely. It's much needed. I'm much nicer.

Out here? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because, well, you probably feel like you have to be on defense while you're out there, too. Well, I do. Is your whole family out there? Were you born in California? What part? Outside LA. Okay. San Fernando Valley. So you literally were just fucking born there and grew up there. Yeah. I spent a year in Utah in one of those lockdown facilities, and then I was in, I lived in Colorado for about a year. But other than that, I've lived my entire life in Foxville, California. Let's talk about your childhood a little bit. All right.

You were born in Cali. Yes, I was. And are your parents still together? No. What kind of childhood trauma are we dealing with here? Some good ones. Can we talk a little bit about it? For sure. Because I talk about trauma a lot. I'm a huge advocate for working through trauma and trying to, you know...

I think there's a misconception between beautiful women and their trauma. Like people think that we don't go through shit or like we don't have really fucking cool stories to tell that we've actually like been through or survived. They don't look at us like survivors. They look at us like the world just handed us fucking shit all the time. Right. So I like to paint a picture for people to know kind of where you came from and you know.

Well, like I said, I was homeless for four years, so I definitely wasn't handed much. So you grew up in Cali. I grew up in Cali. I mean, home life was rough. It was real rough. Are you parents together? No, I had a restraining order on my father for most of my life. He's a bit of a psychopath. Was there abuse there, like physical abuse? Not towards me. Towards my brothers, yes. Not towards me. Never towards me, which drove me crazy because I loved my brothers. I still love my brothers. I'm like, weird.

like weirdly protective of them. And so when I was a little kid, like my brothers would choke me or strangle me or something. I'd go tell on them and my dad would beat the dog shit out of them. And then they'd be like, thanks a lot. I was like, oh, sorry. I was like hysterical. Like, you know, it probably looked more violent to me at five than it even was, you know? Yeah. But so I spent most of my childhood, you know, trying to save my brothers from everything. Yeah. And I would beg him to hit me just so that I wouldn't feel like so guilty about it.

Right. Or like, you know, like I was the favorite. They would always call me the favorite and I like wanted to kill myself over it. I was like, no, I do not want to be the favorite. I think it's a natural instinct. I was telling Karma before we started recording her birthday is one day before mine. So I understand her way of thinking even more so now. And it's like, we don't ever, we want to be against the grain. We're like natural born rebels. Yeah.

We don't know why we fucking are against everything, but we literally like, so you begging your dad to hit you because you didn't want to be the favorite, you know, like that's such a cap Aquarius. Yeah. How was mom growing up? Mom was a batter bitch syndrome. Um, I bought her a house right next to mine. So, I mean, we've definitely had our differences in life. So she's out here too. Oh yeah. I moved her out here with me. Cool. I was, I bought my brother a house too, but he got arrested. So he's in prison now.

Um, so instead of living with me, his, you know, living up in Wasco, but it's cool. Oh no. How long is he up there for? Five years. Shit. But, um,

What did he do? There's the answer to your question. What did he do? Are we allowed to talk about that? That's what I'm saying. That's probably what I don't want to talk about because it's not my story to tell. Nope. I respect it. 100%. I'll talk to you about it later. Yeah. No worries. So mom had battered, battered bitch. So she, I love that. I've never heard that before. So she, I think, you know,

I think she did the best that she could for us given the circumstances, which the best she could do was leave my father. And I took that as like...

I mean, I remember screaming at her for dropping us off every week. Like, how could you fucking do this to us? How could you leave us here? You know? And like, I get now like how horrible that must've been for her. Cause legally she had to, or they would give him full custody. Yeah. The courts are not on fucking anybody's side. Yeah. No, they were in, their divorce lasted 10 years. They were in court for 10 years. It was like, it was horrific. Um, they fought over every, I mean, my father fought over every oven mitt, you know, and mostly about us. And, um, you

You know, so I would, I would call DCFS on, on him all the time. And then my brothers would lie. And I was too young because I was the youngest. I was too young. So they wouldn't listen to me. And my brothers would say everything was fine. And I'm like, how could you do this? Yeah. Like don't fucking protect him. Yeah. You know, because he wasn't hitting me. Like I said, he was hitting them. So I was already trying to rescue them in like, um,

But so, you know, mom did the best she could. What was your outlet from all the abuse at home? Oh, goodness. Well, I cycled through them all. So I had an eating disorder when I was young. I slit my wrists for years. I would, like, you know, carve weird shit. It was, like, everything until I found drugs. Right. And then when I finally found drugs, I was like, oh, this is what you're supposed to do. How old were you? I started...

doing meth every day at 15. I did meth. Yeah. So, yeah. So, I mean, I had done other drugs before that. I was ever fucked up every day of ninth grade and most of eighth grade probably, um, on stupid shit, like triple C's, like whatever stupid shit kids get ecstasy and weed and stupid shit that I, you know, not a fan of. And when I found meth, I found it from a, you know, a, a much, uh,

older gentlemen who... It's always the old little meth perverts that fucking turn the young girls on to it. Yeah, so... And then...

I used to smoke it. I smoked my, I did for the first two years and then I started shooting it when I, after Utah. Yeah. Um, so what happened in Utah? I did hear you say that you got, you went to a facility. Yeah. It was like, um, the one Paris Hill. Well, Paris Hilton just did like a whole thing about Provo. That was where I was. Wow. So who sent you there? Um, it was a, by the school system technically. Um,

Because, I mean, I was in continuation at some point, and then I stopped going to that. It was very well documented, like the problems that I had. So I had straight A's in high school. All my report cards were A-U-U, which makes me chuckle because it's still me in life. Like I'm still successful, but I'm just unsatisfied with everything. That just sums me up as a person. But I never even got less than an A on an assignment. So they put a lot of extra care, I think, into like...

Trying to make you a better human. The detriment, yeah. And so my father had tried to run me over with his car when I was in ninth grade in front of my high school. So the LAPD that worked at my school was who served him his first restraining order. It was technically an emergency protective order. And so I think that was part of what... Was he on drugs? No.

No. Your dad's just naturally a fucking psycho. He's got that narcissistic personality disorder. When's his birthday? July 30th. Oh, he's a Leo. Okay. I think he's an Aries. Is it Leo? I don't know. July 30th. Oh, yeah. That'd be my brother's an Aries. I don't know the fucking, the signs too well. But, yeah, no, he was definitely, he was something. I think he also tried his best, you know, but like. Well, it's like I tell everybody, nobody taught, and this is not an excuse for shitty parents, you know, it's not an excuse for shitty behavior.

nobody taught our parents how to work through their trauma. You know, they're, they are literally working off all the pain that they went through. I think there are some, I mean, I don't have, it doesn't mean that you fucking abuse your kids because I, for many reasons, you know, same porn to, I mean, from every fucking, for every fucking reason. But the, the number one reason is that I refuse to treat children the way that I was treated.

And even though I've been sober for, you know, minus three days a decade and I've been in therapy for over a decade, I still don't think that I am in any way, shape or form capable of raising children. And to me, it's hard to like really write off like, well, because I didn't deal with my Trump. There are some things that you just don't do to another human being, especially not to a child. And I just don't fucking care.

Like, I can excuse my mother's feelings. Yeah. You know? Yeah. My father sucked. Right. And so, and I, you know, I talk to him well enough now. Yeah. I mean, we're not going to, you know, I'm not going to help him with stuff. Yeah, absolutely. You forgive him for yourself, but you don't forgive him for, you know. I've never forgiven him for what he did to my brothers. Right. So, I mean, the same as anybody. It's like, you know, I've been accused of having low self-esteem for this.

But like, you know, I won't like even Mark, the guy that ended up getting me hooked on meth. And he was a large part of my story. We're going to go back to Mark. Yeah. I'm still friends with him too. But like, you know, Stockholm syndrome is a thing. Oh yeah. And it's like one of those things I can forgive him for everything he did to me. But if there was another little girl, like I would fucking hate him forever. You know, back on the touching back on the Stockholm syndrome thing. I totally 100% agree with that because I was in an abusive relationship for four years and like I forgive the dude. Yeah.

I actually like thank him for what he did to me because I'm like, I look at it like you humbled me and I needed that because I was a fucking force to be reckoned with, you know? And like, if I had never gone through that, then, you know, I would still be a fucking raging lunatic. Like I was that shit that happened to me and forced me to reassess my life. I guess we just try to turn, uh, bad situations that have happened into

into better situations. So one, that it doesn't hurt us as deep and two, so that we can actually take a lesson from what happened, if that makes sense, you know? So let's talk about meth Mark.

Sorry, buddy. How did you meet? How did you meet? Is Mark still on meth? He is. Yeah. Damn it, Mark. And you know what? Let me tell you something. Meth users live forever. Yeah. Like, dude, because I, so I relapsed February 5th of three years ago. Almost whatever it would be. I'll have three years again in February. Right. So like, and it was with him. Damn it, Mark. I'm tired of this, Mark.

I mean, yeah, it's not his fault, obviously. No, I get it. I mean, I'm going to say when I was a kid, it was like, he knows that. So, you know, he had ended up, you know, just before I go into it, he ended up getting busted. Um, and then he,

He did time for being with me and, you know, and then he ended up in, in, you know, the pedophile groups or whatever. And he ended up staying like five years later than he needed to. So Mark is a, is, is a pedophile. I mean, they have to, I mean, I was 15, so, you know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't call him that. How old was he? 28 when we met. Okay. I wouldn't call him that based on like what I know about pedophiles. I think that he was a meth addict too. Maybe.

made some poor choices. I'm not... And not to... Absolutely. But, like, a textbook pedophile, no. Right. He's not. Right. He's not, like, fucking scouring fucking children's playgrounds and shit. No, he's not looking for eight-year-olds. You know what I mean? I think that, like, at some point, like... And I don't want to sound like I'm defending anybody, but, you know, I have a lot of history with pedophiles, and I don't... I wouldn't use that word. Right. Some people...

will take what they can get even if it's underage and that's a like that's a whole different sickness that also needs to be addressed yeah absolutely there's so many of that in the world but i don't think he would have taken what he could get if it was eight you know what i mean there's a difference between 15 with double d's and like oh absolutely not that it makes it okay but i'm just saying it's a different word

And, and I respected that, you know, even after he was allowed to not go to the groups anymore, he continued to go. And he's still like, if he meets a woman that he's like talking to, he tells them that like he has a victim and he tells them like his whole thing about me, which I think like, I think is, you know, my hat's off to him for that. Yeah. He never got clean, but, um,

For him to admit, you know, to admit his wrongs is actually a huge step. And to, you know, go out of his way, out of his way to make sure that he doesn't repeat at least those ones. Yeah. I mean, that being said, I don't know that I would... I mean, I don't know. It's easy for me to forgive people. Yeah. So either way, I... It's easier to forgive them than to hold on to anger. Yeah, because I tried that for 10 years or so. And it tears you up inside. Well, it was like, you know...

you know, people talk a big game about what they do to people like that, but they didn't. Right. And like, I was the only one who actually tried and it didn't work. And I was like, well, I guess let's be buddies because like, I can't live like this, you know? Like, how am I going to sit there and, and especially like blame somebody else for my choices. Right. You know, now some of them, like when I was,

Right around when we had met, like, yeah, I was pretty young. I was pretty stupid, you know? At some point, like, I was making my own choices and decisions. I wasn't, like, a, you know, I wasn't a child. Yeah. So... Were you kind of, like, on your own when you met him? Like, you didn't really have much protection? Not a lot of... I would say not a lot of structure. Right. I didn't have that... No, I didn't have the restraining order on my dad yet, but I was not in his custody. Right. Because of some other, you know... Right. He liked to try to get...

Fucking dad, man. Dad is a psycho. He was interesting. I'm sorry you had to go through all that, man. I mean, you know, that's one of those things. Yeah, I wouldn't thank anyone for, like you said, I don't think I would thank any of these people. Right. But... It's different situations, too. But I also, you know...

I think about too, like I used to be envious of people who had like normal upbringings and I'm like, they don't turn into very interesting adults. They turn into dickheads and they're half the time they're fucking drug addicts and fucking weird fetish closet freaks and fucking like do weird shit. Those are the ones who want me to like rub the

Yeah. Or like wrestle them or like pop their head like a watermelon. Like, yeah, no, there are have like clown fetishes. Like the one that Joshua Wolf was talking about. Like those are the people who had normal upbringing. Yeah. What is really fucking normal, you know? Right. Which, you know, so after you met meth, Mark,

This started your whole journey with meth and then was it like a downward spiral? It went downward very quickly. Within three... Within maybe a month, I would say, actually, I was like 80 pounds. Wow. And I'm 140 now. Right. So I was just actually texting my mom when I was driving here. I was like, you...

You ever thought about that I was literally 60 pounds less than this when I was on jockstack? And you're so tiny already. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty big because I'm trying to put on weight and stuff right now. She's like, don't call me tiny. Yeah, and like, listen, I'm tremendous. I caught on to that. She's like, don't call me tiny, bitch. No, but I mean, I normally, before I started training, I walked around at like 110, 120. So I'm more now than usual. But I was thinking about that, like, how...

It's crazy. And you think you're like so hot when you're on drugs too. I would be Xanax out and fucking coked out and methed out and all of it and just think I was the hottest thing ever. And I look back on pictures now and I'm just like, bro. Yeah. I'm going to say like I didn't because I lost so much weight so quickly that like I looked like, uh,

a monster. Yeah. And, and it, it broke my heart. I remember seeing, cause I, like I said, I had an eating disorder previous to finding meth. Right. And so when I saw a picture, like I saw a video of myself when I was like deep in my active addiction and I was like, of before. And I was like, dude, why did I hate that girl? That girl?

Yeah. Like there was nothing wrong with her. There's something wrong with me now. Right. But like that girl was beautiful, you know, and it was like pretty sad because now I was like this. I mean, my fucking cheekbones stuck out about that far. And like I had, I had double D's when I was like a teenager. And then I, you know, you lose a lot of weight really quick. So then I just had these like horrible saggy tits and I was like 16, you know?

so like yeah it wasn't pretty and then I would get so dehydrated that my lips would swell up and my hands and my feet like I couldn't put shoes on because they were too swollen fuck isn't it insane what we have put our bodies through yeah I mean and this was at like 15 16 like yeah and you're still growing right at that age yeah so like I might I don't think my reproductive system ever learned how to work you know so I don't have periods it doesn't but just didn't really happen for me lucky you I wish I'd have known that I'm fucking you can have my

I have my ovaries, dude. I'm so tired. It doesn't work down here anyways. So it's like, I don't know why I have periods. I know. It seems a little like ridiculous. Sometimes if I'm on certain kinds of birth control, I'll have periods. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. You're like, why? I'm like, I guess other people like are used to it. And I'm like, no, absolutely not. No, I fucking listen. I literally have to plan my life around my periods. So you're very lucky. Absolutely not. I hate them. So when did you end up going to Utah? Was this, this is after you met Meth Mark, right? And got into your addiction. Yeah. So, so.

Meth Mark and I, we... So within three months... Am I allowed to call him Meth Mark? I don't think I'm allowed. So within three months, I was no longer at home. I was a missing kid. I had posters everywhere. You ran away from home. Yeah, that's one way to put it. That's what I did too. I left home at 14. So my mother told me...

if I wanted to live in that house that I could no longer do drugs. I took that as like a get out of my house. So I, what is challenge accepted? I mean, she knew what we had an understanding. Right. Um, that being said, she had to file that I was a missing person. Right. You know, she's same thing happened with my family. So my father who I had a restraining order on at that point, took it on himself to like that he was going to find me. My mother was like, Oh Jesus dude, just let her fuck. She's got like, I was gone.

And so he, even if he had caught me, he couldn't come near me. Like, I don't know what the fucking point was. But so he, you know, went on this like, you know, insane fuck. I got on a high speed chase with him on Christmas morning one time, one night at five o'clock in the morning going like 120 down like a side street with the lights off with him. He has like a 357 like chasing us. Like, I'm just trying to think of his logic here. I don't know.

You know, so with actual narcissistic personality disorder, the way it was described to me at the time was that like, so he would, he would always think that he was the good guy. So his brain couldn't tolerate. So his, his opinion of himself truly was so low that he couldn't tolerate negative information about himself. He couldn't stand that you didn't like him in one way.

Well, I was an extension of him. I had to be perfect because otherwise I reflected poorly on him. It was like, if he, you know, if, if he wasn't a good father that reflect reflected poorly on him, everyone that was out to get him, he could never see his part in any situation, but it was like, so a situation would happen. Like when he, he, he swore he didn't try to hit me with his car in front of my high school. Everybody saw it. It was Valentine's day. The whole school was in the front. Like the cops saw it. Everybody saw it. And that was the day that I realized it was actually interesting. That was the day that I realized that I wasn't crazy. Cause my whole life, like,

I thought, you know, your parent is supposed to be right. Right. My mother has a habit of lying. So between... She's mine. Between her and then... She's Sagittarius because mine is. No, mine's a Taurus. But she just liked to lie. And I think she learned that probably from being with my father because you learn how to lie when you date somebody like that. Oh, yeah. Or when you're married to somebody like that. It was horrible. And so between his...

truth being wrong and her lying, I just didn't know what was going on ever. I was so confused about what was. What had to be. Yeah, and I thought I was crazy my whole life until that day I realized, oh, other people saw what I saw. It was like the light bulb went off. Right. I was like, oh, my perception isn't wrong. How did you feel in that moment? Did you feel vindicated or did you feel sad? I'm going to say I felt vindicated a little bit, but it was probably the worst thing that could have happened because I was on drugs. And then I started thinking that everything I thought was real.

Right. Which it wasn't because I would been, I'd been up for months. Right. And so like, I just, all the like crazy shit that I saw my like tweaker fucking paranoia. Like I started thinking all that was also real. No. Cause I'm not crazy. Oh yeah. So that got ugly, especially when I was missing. So like,

The paranoia was unbelievable. But I didn't sleep for that whole time that I was technically missing. But so what had happened is they took me to a psych ward at some point. Your parents? Well, when I first got missing, I got arrested. They took me right to a psych ward because I guess my pulse or whatever was...

They took me to a hospital. They checked me at the psych ward. And then the psych ward, I was there for 14 days, not 72 hours, you know, because that's what the good crazy ones do it. Yeah. But so from then they... You had an extended stay. Yeah, I had an extended stay. I was only there for 48 hours. Yeah, I definitely had the extended stay. And then they sent me to a rehab, which I thought like, okay, rehab, you can leave. It's California. Right. Turns out if the psych facility mandates that you stay there for 60 days, that you have to. And so I left and they considered me a critical runaway. So the FBI was actually looking for...

for me and my paranoid ass like because because I was they had said that I was in danger to myself and others and that I was gravely disabled which means that I just feel like that doesn't help a child you know like probably would have how old are you at this time I was 15 or 16 yeah like you all you needed was love and just yeah somebody to just kind of hug you by the time I found meth I needed a lot more than love I needed a fucking lobotomy right I was a maniac I was a fucking psychopath

And like my mother sometimes would be like... We'll do that to you. So my mom let go of me real quick, you know? And she feels a little bad about that. And I'm like, honestly, like, I thought you were kind of a piece of shit for that at the time. But there was nothing that could have been done. The best thing you could have did was turn your back on me. If she would have tried to have held you, you would have just... My parents tried to... They nailed my fucking window shut, took my door off the hinge, did all that shit, you know? My dad did that shit, but he was such a... It was just...

I didn't take it as he was trying to protect me. I didn't take it like that either. I left. I was like, you're trying to control me. Motherfucker. I told him I got raped was when he took my fucking door off the hinges. I wanted to talk to you about that. That's insane. I wanted to talk to you about that. I heard a quote that you say that you had gotten raped more than people have had sex. Some women have had sex. Yeah. What did you, what do you mean by that? Uh, being homeless as a teenager was like, I mean, and,

So I told my, I was talking to my therapist about these the other day. I would say that I was violently raped one time. It was New Year's when I was 14, 13 maybe. Yeah, because my birthday's in January. I think it was right before my 14th birthday. I was beat up. I was fucked up. It went horribly wrong. My father, you know, said I was a whore and he could never trust me again. Who was it? Who was it? Some dude at a fucking, I was at some party I shouldn't have been at with a bunch of grownups and I was 13, you know? And I mean, it was, but it was violent. It was, it was horrendous. I crawled home, like to my mother's house. I wasn't in her custody. No. Okay.

I mean, not that it would matter. Yeah, no, I, no, I don't know. I wasn't, um, I just, you know, for that to be, if you were a virgin, it's still a fucking terrible situation. So I was raped with a tree branch when I was an infant. So like, I, I, I make the joke that like, I shouldn't make these jokes. Um,

But like, okay, some people, some people deal with their trauma. Joke about it. And I understand if you've been through enough trauma, like there's only some things, all you can do is laugh about them. So don't fucking judge me for how I do with mine. Nobody. Listen, there is a no judgment zone here. I promise you. Okay. So what happened when you were an infant? Who did that? So I had my whole life. I thought it was like a grownup. The story I heard was like,

expressly because I'm a grown up. I found out last year or two years ago that it was a little kid. It was like a little four-year-old boy. And I was like, dude, that's fucking heartbreaking. I wish somebody would have told me that. Yeah, because this whole time you thought that it was an adult who did it to you. Yeah, and then I was like, why the fuck was I in some bathroom with some random adult when I was in diapers? Like, how did this happen? Like, I needed way more information than what I have. But like, so the story that I heard more recently was that it was a little kid. And I was like, dude, who the fuck...

you know, supposedly it was like, well, who fucking hurt him? That's what I'm saying. Because it wasn't like, it wasn't like a little thing. It was like, you know, I've never had a hymen. I have like an immense amount of scar tissue because it just didn't grow correctly. You know, it was so small. Did he hurt you? Yeah, bad. I mean, evidently there was blood. My brother was in the room. Like it was like a whole fucking thing. So, um, so that, you know, and my father had waited my whole life to, he told me my whole life when I was 10, he had something to tell me. I thought I was going to fucking Hogwarts. It was that. And like framed as that, like, so you're not a virgin anyways. Like it,

He was like, he was really something. What a fucking douchebag. He is a fucking really special, that guy. He is, he is. I mean, again, I really believe that his intentions were good, you know, and everything. But like, again, that's what I'm saying. That's like me thanking my abuser for beating the fuck out of me and choking me and almost killing me. Some things I don't forgive. And I don't think that like you, well, nobody taught him how to get past his trauma. Like some people shouldn't reproduce. And if they should, and if they do, you know, they should be removed. Yeah. Like all those times I called fucking,

DC best when I was five. You know? And DCS never has any of the kids fucking best interests at heart. That's what I feel like. I feel like they literally just fucking throw you guys to the wolves. Even if they do take you in, they put you in shitty fucking foster homes. Yeah, or you get raped by your foster parents. Exactly. So it's like you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Granted, we had a pretty, you know, our mother was not the best, but she was fine. She didn't abuse us. Your mom sounds like she was

a little bit of an empath. Yeah. And your dad was the narcissist. Oh, yeah.

So that usually goes hand in hand together. The empath usually always gets with the narcissist. Yeah. It's very rare that you have two narcissists that get together. Right. Yeah. I'm going to say my husband. Yeah. And me and Kaylee. Right. Kaylee's Viking Barbie for all you guys. That Viking Barbie and Karma, they're wifeys. They love each other. Seven years. Yeah. They love each other. It's my longest relationship. I love you. We're going to definitely get to that. Let's, um, let's scoot back though to where the...

Let's get back to your trauma. Let's get back to the rape. All right. So, yeah. So I was violently raped maybe one time. Everything else was this blur of like...

I couldn't use the word rape because I stopped fighting a lot like that first time I got, I, you know, I had, they say that you either react one of two ways when something like that happens to you, you either fight it or you'd shut down. Yeah. I shut down. So I had to just, I have a very well documented dissociative disorder. So like, and it probably started way before that. Cause well, because of the abuse in your home. Yeah. And even like the, you know, the infant stuff, like you, when a, when a small brain can't deal with stuff, it splits, you know, it does things. Absolutely. So, um,

Most of my life after that, like, again, I couldn't... I wouldn't use the word rape. But it was, like, I just didn't say no. I didn't say yes. I didn't say anything. People would start to do things. You just shut down. And I would literally just go limp and just let things happen. And, like, so much... Especially being underage as a, like...

and homeless, like it's like you have victim tattooed on your forehead. Everybody knows that nobody gives a fuck about you. Yeah. Um, and so it was like, am I going to try to tell, I mean, and also things seem scarier if I said no, and then they're going to do it anyways. You know, there was never in my head that like they were actually going to stop. Nobody was going to stop. Nobody ever fucking stopped. Right. You know? So I, you know, I, I make that joke.

about like I've been raped more than most women have had sex. Yeah. And really like I wouldn't, I can't actually say that word because that's something that I don't like when people do now. Yeah, but don't minimize your trauma. Well, and I'm not. If you weren't consenting even if you just laid down. No, I'm going to say because I was underage. Yeah. Then we can still use that word. Right. But it's something we deal with in my industry a lot is girls will not,

say no. And then they say that like, Oh, well he should have known like, well, how should he have? Right. You showed up here. So that's, that's kind of why I make that distinction. It's important to me that we don't call everything rape. I just don't want you to minimize what has happened to you. And I don't, because you're trying to make everybody else feel better about what you're saying. I think it's not that it's just that I want there, you know, there's, there's two things that I need understood. One is that like, you can have a traumatic moment without somebody else being an asshole or being a rape.

And the other is like don't fuck kids, you know Stop fucking yeah, seriously, please stop fucking you I Read somewhere that you said that you actually have a limp fetish and I was wondering where that was coming Yes, that's where just now when you said that you would just kind of went limp. I was like there it is Yeah, so much more I've had more sex with my body completely loose

Yeah. I've done it before too. I think it's hot. It's kind of hot. My thing is like, I like being greased up and oiled up and like, I love oiled up bodies. That's just like wet sex to me is just hot. Me and wifey have like some, I won't bring her into this. I'll let her tell her. Oh, she talks about you on the podcast. Yeah. But I, but I, I mean like, I'll talk about my own fetishes. I don't know what she shares with other people. You know what I mean? Yeah. But, um, I think Kaylee's an open book. She does not care that girl. Oh yeah. She's amazing. Yeah.

Yeah. But I, yeah, I definitely, that's one of them that, that really stuck. Like my pussy barely doesn't, barely works. Like it doesn't get wet really unless my body's limp. Right. And it's not even like. But that's due to, you know, shit that's happened to you. Well, I used to, you know, even like, like I used to cum sometimes, like, and then I would feel, and I would feel very ashamed. And like, I even had a guy comment. I was some fucking creepy motherfucker.

Was he a pedophile? Yes. He was 28 and balding and I was 15 and in the back of a car. It was this whole thing. But his name was Peter. Fuck you, Peter. Fuck you, Peter. Peter the pedophile. Yes. We got Meth Mark and Peter the pedophile. Dude, Peter the pedophile was such standard, typical pedophile looking motherfucker. Now that I think about it. Did he have the rimmed glasses? Bro, I think

he did like i'm gonna be honest like and like i swear they all have donuts yeah i have fucking the weird fucking glasses dude yeah everyone they have beady eyes yes all of them have beady eyes um they take little fucking awkward steps and they tuck their shirts in and have belts and like it's just like groping me and then he made a comment about he's like well how did you get in the car with peter i needed a ride to get a meth pipe so like you know i mean

we make our choices in life whatever the best this was the best case scenario no i just say okay like that because i've been there and i get it yeah like i i was cold and i was walking i walked everywhere like whatever i needed an adult to buy one thing you know one thing people don't know about meth meth will make you walk oh yeah you got nothing but time to fucking travel oh yeah i walked a lot um so anyways yeah no so he's like groping me and then like my pussy was like soaking wet and he's like well you could have just told me you liked this and i was like like i was

got caught I was like so ashamed then I was like maybe I do like this like why is why have you betrayed me you know and then like it took a couple years before when at some point I realized like no that's probably why women get ashamed about rape like rape like otherwise why would you be ashamed that you're physically overpowered by like a big man right it's not I love that I have a I have like a not I don't want to say a rape fetish but it's like I like us I like physically fucking violent sex right same same I'm like throw me up against the wall punch my fucking tooth out

Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, just fucking make me come while you're strangling me. That's all I care about. I mean, and that's, you know, I think it's like my limp fetish. Like, I got more of that than like the violence. I don't mind violence. I like rough sex, but I like passionate rough sex. Right. I don't really like rapey rough sex. Right.

Don't be rapey. Yeah, don't be rapey. Well, I mean, if you are, that's fine too. I'm like pretty, you know. Yeah. I've dealt with most of my sexual trauma. But so, you know, I realized at some point, like that's what, the vagina lubricates itself to prevent injury. Like that's normal. It's supposed to do that. It wasn't betraying me. Right. It did me a fucking favor. So this like grown up, you know, like hurt. Rip you. Yeah. Tear you to fucking shreds. I wish I had done that when I was a little baby. Aw.

Stop it. I don't think it worked yet. Stop. So, okay, so you went on this whole meth journey. How, when did porn get introduced? Oh, goodness. Okay, so. Because you were around the right fucking crowd, let me tell you. So some stuff had been filmed when I was underage. Oh my gosh. There was a whole case, um,

They were trying to, you know, the question was about my age at the time. Who filmed? I mean. Oh, you can't. Okay. Well, I mean, we know who it is, but I don't want to, you know. Gotcha. Okay. People who I'm friends with now. So. Does his name rhyme with Heth? What was his name? Fucking Heth. I can't even think of anything right now.

Yeah, there you go. Hefflark. That's what we'll call him. So stuff had been filmed. So eventually, I was missing. Eventually, they finally found me from the long whatever. I left the psych ward. I left the rehab. I was missing for several more months. They finally found me. Were you abused when you were in the Provo thing too? Like what Paris went through? I mean, some of those teachers reached out to me when that documentary came out. And they were like, did you feel like we abused you? And I was like, what do you mean feel like? Yeah.

And she's like, but do you think that that was like the intention? And I was like, it doesn't matter what the intention was. Wow, way to gaslight. Well, I mean, so I didn't get physically abused. The worst that happened to me is I was on a two-hour restriction because I came in there, I was 85 pounds. I thought I had an eating disorder. So I had what was called two-hour restriction, which meant I couldn't use the bathroom physically.

for two hours after I ate because they didn't want me to puke or whatever, which I didn't do. I was just on the way because I was on drugs. Right. But so at some point I had to pee so fucking bad. I was like crying. I was like, please, can I, like you can stand in there with me. Just let me fucking piss. They wouldn't let me. I ended up pissing on myself. They made me walk around in it all.

Oh my God. Like, cause they thought I did it on purpose. I was like, why would I do that on purpose? Like, I wasn't one of, there were, there were girls who, I mean, I literally couldn't hold it. I held it until I couldn't, you know, there were girls who did like a lot of weird shit there, but I wasn't really one of them. I was like, not to say that I was the non crazy person in the crazy place, like, but I just did a lot of drugs. Like I was pretty,

I mean, I'm pretty even-keeled when I'm sober. Right. And so it was fucked up. I mean, I would say that was about the, you know, or they'd make a shit with the door open and, like, with, like, some dude watching us, which was kind of weird, but I wouldn't say there was a lot of sexual abuse. Who wants that job? Yeah. What's your job title, watching girls shit? Yeah. What a fucking way to go, buddy. But I did witness an obscene amount of physical abuse.

The worst was this little girl, Jasmine, this little black girl who was very, very, very, very autistic. And I'm talking like,

I mean, she couldn't function. Like, I've never seen anything like it. She terrified me. But she was so sweet when she was normal. Right. And then she would, like, be this monster. Right. But she was tiny, dude. And, like, I watched, like, you know, grown men throw her around. There was a little girl, Leticia, who was 14. She was, like, maybe 60 pounds or some shit. They broke her jaw. I watched them bash her face into the wall until they broke her jaw. And she had, like, a bunch of stitches and all this shit. Oh, my God. They told her parents she was headbanging.

Like, these girls would sit there and hit their head on the wall. I was like, dude, I literally watched you guys do it. But that was the thing, is that we were all legally insane. And so...

Nobody believes. I remember telling my mom and she had told me like, even if you were telling the truth, which I don't believe that you are, I still think you're better off there. And I was like, I mean, fair enough. But to be fair, she wasn't wrong. And that's why I've never held any. It's a provost saved my life. It was a terrible place, but where I came from was worse. Right. You know, I was not doing it headed anywhere. Good. Yeah. No, for sure. Especially so when I was in Utah is when this, you know, this child porn was,

came out right and so when you say came out online as in my mother found it okay okay i know that porn hub let's like yeah so i don't know at the time um i i don't know how did mom find it because i had a coffee oh gotcha okay so i mean at the time like it was like

with my boyfriend. I didn't know, like, that they maybe, that other people were watching them. Right. You know? Well, you were innocent. You didn't know. I mean, you know, as innocent as you could be. You know, I thought I was dating the guy. You didn't have life experience. No. I mean, and it's like, it's one of those things, especially like, and I hope that, I don't know, I kind of hope that younger women aren't really watching this right now. But if they are, like,

You're not the exception ever. You're never the exception. You're not the only underage girl that he's with because you're so mature. Right. You know, and that's what I thought. I definitely thought I was so cool that like this older guy was interested in, you know, and like, that's how it is. That's how it goes. Like, I thought it was so cool. And like,

you know it wasn't necessarily the case yeah no i get it i i dated nothing but older dudes when i was younger and you know what it's funny because now i love the young boys i'm like give me the little cabana boys i love me and kaylee are just like yeah yeah she's like we like them young yeah yeah yeah i fucking don't yeah i like them like fucking old skin and shit no wrinkly balls yeah i think my men have been so far around the block that like they the wheels fell off

a few miles back. I like a missing teeth and shit. Yeah. Fucking... Well, meth marks. So I'm sure... Between all my exes, I maybe have a full set of teeth, bro. Oh, fuck. It's not even a joke. Oh, no. But so... So anyway... Yeah, anyway. So this shit had come out...

it was given to the police. He got arrested. Mom gave it to the police. Yeah. So they were trying to have me. You and Martin Muth have been through some shit. Oh yeah. So then, that's not even the half of it. You guys have serious trauma bonds. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I feel like all I do is trauma bond. I don't really have normal bonds. And now it's funny because I have a hard time making friends and I think part of it is because I don't want to build the... I don't want all the building blocks. I don't want to have to do all that. Can we just like kill somebody together? Yeah. Like I just want a trauma bond. Just be friends. Like no, because if we just trauma bond really quick, like we won't have to do all that like...

you know, creating extra shit. And I'm like, I'm just lazy, dude. I'm too lazy to have a legitimate friend. Cause I'd rather like just do some way out shit. And then we're stuck together forever. Like me and Mark, you know, I'll never be closer to anyone in my life. You know, when's Mark's birthday? December 10th. He's a Sagittarius. My husband's a Sagittarius. You guys are going to be lifers for sure. It's funny. Cause I'm actually, I'm hanging out with a guy right now who has the same birthday. And I call him his, I tell him it's his birthday twin. He's like, Oh,

don't know if I like that. He's like, fuck, that's not a compliment. I'm like, well, to be fair, like, I've never been closer to anyone in my life. Yeah. I never will. Because also, I was young. I was innocent. And like, do we, like, and that's the thing. Like, he wasn't necessarily a good guy, you know? But, like, if I'm being very honest, like, that dude loved me. He was very fucked up, but he loved me.

And my mom understands that. She's like, dude, I knew him. Like, I... Not... You know, she's like, it's hard for me to hate him. Like, he fucking ruined your life. But, like, it's hard for me to hate him because at the time... Like, things aren't always what it looks like on paper, you know? And...

Yeah, it's not black and white. As awful as he was, and he was, he fucking beat me up. I mean, like every fucking thing. He used to examine my body because I'd be covered in bruises and he was like determined I was cheating on meth bullshit. But it was like, I mean, every way that he could have fucked me over, he did. Well, meth addicts aren't really the most fucking endearing humans. No, and especially when you add in paranoia and distrust and every fucking thing else and violence and lack of sleep deprivation. It gets fucking ugly.

real fucking ugly. No, for sure. So, but yeah, we're trauma bonded like nobody's business and it was kind of like some Bonnie and Clyde shit on like a, you know, I've seen some memes about like you fucking, we're

Return stolen shit from the Home Depot. You're not Bonnie and Clyde. And I'm like, yeah, that's basically us. Yeah. But at the time, I mean, even like being missing, like we're like fucking runaways. And she did. It was great. It was so much fun. Like it was awful, but it was also so much fun. And part of me is like, I'll never have that again. He just knows you like most people would never. Right. One. And throughout my life afterwards, it's it's I don't know that.

you know, my therapist doesn't think that it's a very unhealthy relationship other than that, like I got loaded with him. Right. Um, for the most part, it's pretty healthy. I allow him to repay me. Right. He does things for me. Right. Whenever I ask, I was stranded in Vegas one time, like a couple of years ago because it was like the one night that it snowed in Vegas and my flight was canceled.

And I was like, called him like, Hey, can you come pick me up? Hadn't talked to him in months. He dropped everything he was doing, drove all the way to fucking Vegas from California and picked me up and drove me home. You know, like shit like that, where it's like, I, I think that actually psychologically I'm allowing him to be better. Right. Like letting someone rather than holding somebody, you know, calling somebody evil and then writing them off. Like, not that anybody should do this. I'm a psychopath, but like allowing somebody to actually,

He's your twin flame. Yeah. I mean, it's fucked up. He is. The more I hear you talk about it. Yeah. I mean, so, so when my brother had gotten arrested three years ago was when I relapsed and, um, I started hanging out with him again with Mark again and then like relapsed with him. Right. Um,

And that was when I realized like, yeah, like all our Stockholm syndrome shit aside, like that's not going to work. He won't get, he's never going to get clean and I can't be around him and not do drugs. Twin flames don't necessarily mean soulmates. Twin flames is a lot of pain and a lot of lessons. A real twin flame is going to put you through hell. Yeah. And you guys are going to separate and come back together and separate and come back together. Yeah. So it's definitely a twin flame. It's definitely, it's nice because if I hit him up on like a fucking,

Christmas morning and I'm like hey just want to let you know I love you he knows what it's about that my dad tried that my dad got in a we were in a high speed chase and like whatever I have trauma on this day and I have a hard time getting through it like he just knows that or he can say some shit to me and I know what he needs and it's we're not close we don't even live in the same state anymore you know but it's it is cool to have a person that

did you move to kind of get away from him? Not him. Okay. My brother, but gotcha. Um, let's talk about, so the porn got released. Yes. What happens after that? Okay. So he goes to jail. They try to get me to, well, they try to get me to testify. I didn't testify. Obviously. Um,

they told me all types of shit that I found out later wasn't true which I thought was very mean of them you know like made the situation seem like there was a bunch of different girls yeah they told me that there was like all you weren't special there were all these little girls and it made it sound like a whole thing like it was a ring like yeah that he that you know he met me intently to commit this crime and like whatever it wasn't that wasn't what happened right so I found that out years later but for many years that's what I thought right happened um I still didn't testify because I you know I came from like crime and like you don't

I guess I would never do. I'll never take the stand. No. I mean, so I, so I found out later, like I wouldn't have been a rat for telling on him because he was, you know, right. Because of the situation. But at the time I was like, dude, you don't tell. I don't, I'd been interrogated for seven hours before. Like I don't, I was fucking solid. I was a solid ass little kid, dude. Right. Which I'm proud of. And it's actually funny because like, you know, I haven't committed a crime in a long time, but my name and like San Fernando Valley is still so good. Yeah.

That gangster fucking credit. Yeah, because... Your street cred. I have street cred like a motherfucker because even as an inebriated teenager, I held my weight better than these fucking grown men who just snitch on everybody. Yeah. So that's funny. I'm not involved in any of that. You can't teach loyalty, though. No. And it's something...

That's actually something that's what me and Tommy bond on. It's actually like, um, we were Tommy vexed people. Yeah. I wore his sweater, but it was too hot. Now many fucking girls have hit me up since he's been on the podcast. And I'm just like, here, let me help you out. I just fucking siphon them over to fucking Tommy. I'm like, I don't want to be the middle person. Yeah. I mean, he's easy guys. Just fucking hit him up. Um, but that was part of what, so, so now other than Mark, like,

you know, there's a lot more to my story, obviously, but like, yeah, we'll keep touching on it at some point, you know, for one, it sounds like I'm lying when I tell my story. So I really don't anymore because there's too much, too many things have happened that like, it just, it's ridiculous at this point. I love that people get to see that side of you. I love that people get to see the side of you though, because you know, all I see is the pretty pictures and the fucking beautiful videos and you know, they don't really get to see

what goes on or they know might know about your addiction but they don't know where it came from right or you know like so I think it's really cool that people get to hear the side of you yeah I mean it's a lot to talk about it's exhausting you know when you start fucking siphoning through it I guess I've talked about it you know it's not something that I never tell I tell everybody because I I realize at some point that I'm one of those people who like I just try to desensitize my things myself to things by like putting them on everybody else

Yeah. I'm like, here's all my fucking problems. Word vomit. Yeah, but also because like, there's so much at this point that I don't need you to find out some fucking detail about me down the road and now you have a problem with me. Like, here's all the shit that I am. Like, here's all the fucking pieces. Everybody has a problem with you from finding out something from your past and that's, you don't want that person around you. I mean,

you know, there's things that happen to me and then there's things that I've done, you know? I mean, we've all done fucked up shit. Not everybody has done fucked up shit like me and Tommy have done fucked up shit. You know what I mean? I don't know you that well, but that's kind of what we bond on. It's like,

to some extent, like, not everybody does, like, I feel, you know, you know that terminally unique bullshit in NA or AA, I don't know which one you're in or if you're in NA, or just happen to be sober. But anyways, so we talk about being terminally unique and it's a fucking joke and every fucking addict thinks they're terminally unique. I actually do,

Even at some point, like, dude, I go to meetings and people's fucking best day or their worst day sounds like my best. And I'm like, not that nobody has it as bad as me. Like, I don't know. My life is great now. It's fucking easy. But like, it's just like at some point I don't really feel like I can relate to other people anymore.

Right. And the ones that are like me are in prison or they're dead or they're fucking murderers or they're, you know, there's not people who have stories like I do anymore so often. Right. That are okay, that I can be friends with. And the ones that I can are not capable of intimacy. Right. And me and Tommy joke about that one a lot. Talk into the microphone a little bit. Oh, sorry. You're good. It's okay. None of this was important anyways. No, you're good. But it's like, yeah, at some point, like...

it's hard to find anybody that I can, that I feel like I'm not an alien. He's definitely like, I would consider him. But you guys are like besties. Yeah, I would consider him one of my very best friends. Tommy's a sweet soul. Yeah, but I also, you know. I see past the tough exterior that he puts out. Yeah, Tommy doesn't even look that tough. Yeah.

We're just talking shit about you, Tommy. Yeah, I'm like, all you have to do is read his lyrics. He's a big softie. Well, I'm married to a musician, so I know how that goes. They're hard on the mic, but they're sweethearts to people that they love in their life. But the thing is, yeah, two people that they love in their life. And that's the thing is that Tommy isn't a softie.

Right. You know, nor am I. Yeah. Neither is my husband. Yeah. To people that they love. Yeah. But, and that's that thing is like, you know, people would be like people who act tough or not really tough. Like sometimes they are both, you know, um, a lot of us, you have that, like, what is it? The fucking pineapple, the like rough exterior and sweet on the inside, but like in,

the in the center of that do pineapples have cores this was a terrible analogy um yeah but like no I'm the perfect example of that everybody's like oh you know yours you're so like business like and so um you know just like I don't know cut I don't want to say cutthroat because that makes me sound fucking like evil but it's not I'm cutthroat because I just like to get shit done right and people are like oh you must be really sweet and I'm like no I'm not

I'm really not. Like, I don't, I did not come to play, you know, but I, but the people that I love, I love them wholeheartedly, you know, like I love hard. So I totally understand that. Um, yeah, I mean, same. And then, I mean, I am sweet. I'm, I'm a lover, you know, and then also I will fucking murder your whole family.

I'll murder your family with a smile. Yeah, I mean, but like, I don't want to, but that's like the homeless person in me. Like, dude, like people don't understand that I'm not being tough. I get terrified. Yeah, I'm violent because I'm terrified because I've seen things that most people haven't fucking seen. Mimi, how many times have you heard me say I'm not nice? I'm extremely violent. That's like, people don't believe it. I will. I'm such a violent human being. I mean, I feel like

I'm not unless I'm scared. Like I scare easy. I'm cool. I always say I'm cool, but I'm not that cool. I'm cool until I need, need to be. So let's, okay, we'll get back to you and Tommy, but so when did you get into porn? We'll just fast forward to, Oh gosh. Okay. I got into porn four or five years ago. Okay. Um, I had gotten married. So you're kind of like a newcomer or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I don't know about all that. No,

it right I mean I'm fucking aging so I'm an aging hoe with no real qualities look bitches us older bitches are fucking winning okay like we're making money that fucking 21 year olds are making yeah I mean I wish I would have been making this money since I was 21 I don't because I wouldn't have known what to do with it you're right yeah so I started a

money, but I just fucking never knew what to do with it. Yeah. Um, yeah, I think you're right. I actually, I'm, I don't think people should be able to do porn before they're 25. Yeah. At least 21. But yeah, because I don't think that your brain is developed enough to really understand the consequences of your actions. So I started at 24. Right. What made you want to get into porn? You were just like, you know what? I, I've been doing the Snapchat stuff for several years before that, like with Viking Barbie. And, um, so I, I had been, I was with a guy, we are, we had gotten married. We weren't married anymore. Um, I owned the Snapchat business.

company with him. Well, technically he took 20%, whatever. Um, I always take his motherfuckers. So Eddie, so when I, so I, when I had left him, I kind of just ditched everything that I owned and I just left, you know? Um, and, um, he had had, I don't know, actually I never asked him about this. We talk now. So I realized this is something that I just assumed my website didn't work anymore.

So I always assumed that he had had it hacked or whatever, had it taken down. Um, so that was my only source of income at the time. And I was like, Oh, well fuck you. I guess I'll go do porn. You know, I figured it would be, I'm not asking for help or I'm not going to fucking swallow. No, absolutely not. But also it was like hilarious because like he was very, so at the time I was still a little vengeful and, and, um, he was very humiliated by me doing porn. Um, so that made you, and I was like, well, that's what you get for hacking my website. Why would you do that? Like, that was rude. I didn't fuck with any of your businesses. I would never fuck with your money.

Right. I literally, I paid his bills for like, like his, his, cause I mean, not that he needed me to, but like,

all the water bill and the power bill and all this stuff was in my name. So I just kept paying it for like six months. It's like, whatever. I'm not, I've never tried to fuck with anybody's money. I don't, I don't do that. I don't act like that. Um, I'll stomp on your heart until it's mush. There's so many people I've been like, fuck you. I'm not paying that. Sorry. Not happening. Yeah. I mean, I guess I have. And then that's just where that ends. And, and I always, I really do see it as like the cost of not having a shitty friend anymore. Right.

more right yeah whatever like you think you got over on me like but you could have got me for a lot more if you weren't such a fucking idiot right um i would have given it to you nicely if you would have just fucking yeah literally i haven't there's a guy in porn i won't say his name but like that owes me money that like he had asked me you know like he had this whole sob story and asked me for 700 and i just gave it to him like that day and i was like hey just don't fuck me that's all i said i just met him that day and i was like i don't like that dude i don't give a fuck i'll fucking land anybody if he would have just asked me for it

I would have asked him to pay it back. But he said a loan. And I was like, all right, it's a loan. Right. You know, you owe me $100,000. So you underreacted. Yeah. Yeah. And then he never wanted to pay me back. And I was like, you know, you could have fucking got $20,000 out of me, you stupid fuck. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

So you started doing porn four or five years ago. Yeah. What? So it was because it was not it wasn't like a revenge porn, but it was like you just didn't want to have to go back to that situation. Well, I didn't see a whole bunch of options. I can't just have a normal job. Yeah, me either. Can't work for the man. Well, it's not even just that. Like, I mean, I had worked. I had had one real job before.

when I was with my husband, I worked for him. Um, so, you know, I managed his like vape and tattoo shop or whatever, but mostly like I'm very severely bipolar and I don't take medication. So, um, it's very difficult for me to work a normal job. Um, sometimes it's totally cool. And then I get, you know, I, when I was with him, I think I stayed awake for 31 days one time without being on drugs. Right. And then like,

there's a crash that happens after that and good luck getting me to go to work. Like I physically can't, you know? So like, um, granted I could take medication, but I'm not going to. So it's each their own. Yeah. That's just not up for debate really with me. Um, but so yeah, working a real, a normal job is pretty hard for me, especially at that point. Like I was already pretty famous from, I think I had like $800,000 or some shit at that point before porn.

But I was pretty, I'm pretty recognizable. Not that I'm super famous, but I'm very recognizable. Absolutely. I have like pretty distinct features and tattoos and whatnot. So it was just like, I went, also I was making like 300 grand a year at that point. And like, I wasn't going to go back to like making $8 an hour. Right. So porn just kind of made sense. Absolutely. And it wasn't like, for me, it wasn't really a big decision decision.

I was never going to work for office. Like, you factor in the whole rest of my story about homelessness and fucking drugs and every fucking thing else. Like, and crime and like... Yeah, it wasn't like a big leap. Like, nobody was disappointed in me. Nobody was surprised either. No, no. My mother was like... My mother said to me, she's like, you know...

If anybody's actually kind of perfect for porn, it's you. Do you like shooting porn? I love it. Yeah. Do you love sex? Because all the trauma that you've been through. I love sex. I actually was able to use porn as a way to get over a lot of trauma. Yeah. That's what I tell everybody. Cause I was an escort in Vegas for fucking, you know, years. And I tell everybody like I worked through all,

like sexual abuse and shit that I've been through by being a fucking hooker. Right. And people like, like think I'm crazy, but really you can work through so much shit being sexual. Yeah. I mean, I think it's, it's like the, um, the idea of like, if you're, if you have a phobia of elevators, the only real way to get over that is get on the fucking elevator.

- Absolutely. - And ride it until you're fine. - Yeah. - And maybe do it with somebody who you trust. - Yep. - And so that's kind of what porn is for me. It's like this safe environment to work through stuff. So like one very specific one, which was pretty public was I had an issue with anal. I couldn't do anal because I'd have rape flashbacks. And so James Dean is like my, one of my other bestie, bestie, besties. Like one of my favorite people in the fucking world. - Yeah. - And so I had asked him to help me like get over this fucking thing, which basically I was like, can you fuck me in the ass until I can get through it without crying?

And so we were trying to figure out what the exact triggers are because sometimes it would, sometimes it wouldn't. And we figured out it was like violence. So like if I got smacked in the face and it was like if I got smacked hard enough that like I had any kind of like a blackout, even for a second. Yeah. And then and so there one of them was on film and I ended up posting it because I

Well, because, you know, James had some accusations that I was pretty irritated about because I didn't believe that they're very accurate. So I posted. What were the accusations? He had like a bunch of girls came out and, you know, said he raped them or whatever stupid shit. And like 15 out of the 16 like came forward and publicly said that they lied and nobody heard that part, you know, whatever. I know. The world is so quick to fucking have.

Yeah but also I mean he had been waiting for a fucking court case because then he could prove that he was innocent but he never got the opportunity which is fucking irritating to me. Right. Because he's my friend and also because he saved my life like three fucking times. Right. Um

But so anyways, there's this video that like it went pretty viral of like me fucking having a rape flashback, which I thought was beautiful. I was like, whatever, like it's for the world. Like and so many girls hit me up with, dude, I've never seen anybody like feel the way that I feel, you know? And I was like, that's cool. But so I had a... You're killing people making porn too. Well, it was like, you know, it's...

I'm sorry for my, I can't even say that. I'm not going to say some bullshit. Um, I was going to say, I'm sorry for the people who my porn has hurt. Like, I'm sorry that you are watching things. No, I'm not. I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm not responsible. People come on my page and talk shit to me. I'm like, why are you here? Literally? It's like saying that alcohol is responsible for you being an alcoholic. Absolutely. My porn is not the reason that you have a porn problem. You should go seek help and go to fucking therapy. I used to care, dude, I really don't anymore. Cause I really realized it's, it's like,

a cop out the same. I'm fucking sober because I don't use drugs responsibly. So I have to not do any cool things. I don't get to drink ever. I don't get to do any fucking drugs. I don't get to smoke weed. I don't even get to fucking gamble because I'm a psychopath. So if I can do all that, you could not watch porn. Right. So fuck off. No, I won't. Preach, sister. Preach. I'm tired of it. Yes. No, I love it. I like when she gets spicy. It kind of turns me on. I'm like, go karma, go. Yeah.

But I get tired of people like trying to fucking guilt me. No, this world is crazy. This world is full of people who won't take responsibility for their own fucking lives. You're a grown up. Everybody is fucking mad at everybody for no fucking... Oh, yeah. For being more courageous than they could ever be. Right, right. And it's just, it's wild to me. I deal with that every fucking day too. I even just quit smoking like four months ago. I smoked for 16 fucking years. Smoked a pack a day. I smoked for a year.

And then basically, to prove a point, I fucking just quit smoking in the middle of a day. Somebody's like, it's still a bit, bit, bit. And I was like, fine, I don't smoke anymore. And I haven't smoked since. I have that same exact mentality. I swear to God, you can ask Mimi. Literally, I woke up one day. I used to do cocaine and fucking...

take Laura tabs all the time. Lord herbs were my specialty. And if I could, I just woke up one day and I was like, you know what? I'm not doing this anymore. And I haven't for six years. You know, like I just will not touch it. And fucking alcohol. I did the same thing. I got really shit face one time. I mean, scary shit face woke up the next day. I said, I'm never drinking again and haven't drank, you know? Yeah. I definitely with drugs needed a little more help than that. I definitely did all that. Very hard. Yeah. I don't know how,

I did all the NA and all that shit. I overdosed on glass, which fucking, I literally almost died doing it. And I almost lost my hand doing meth. So I have to like go through like really traumatic experiences to have to fucking get off of shit. But yeah, it works. Yeah. I mean, I, I had a definitely near, near death experience when I originally got clean in, in 2012. Yeah. And then when I relapsed, I ended up like, I don't even know what the fucking dope is anymore. Yeah. I just had to throw it in there. Um, it's, it's definitely not crystal meth. Like I,

remember it anymore so like and I had six mini strokes and I was like well I mean I kept fucking slamming more of it I was like because I didn't even have a rush I didn't get nothing and I was like bro I didn't fucking stay clean for seven years to like not get a rush and I was like and I was like a psychopath dude I fucking kept putting this trash like I think it was like well what's that bullshit that they're putting in all the fucking drugs now fentanyl yeah so I think I was just slamming fentanyl

Dude, it's so scary now. Like, do you remember when you could go to like parties and fucking do a rail off a stripper's ass and not have any questions asked? And now it's like, if I ever had to walk into a party and there was drugs there, I'd probably get anxiety just because you don't know what anything is anymore. Yeah. I mean, it definitely, and it didn't even do what it was. I was so, you know, I was mad and honestly, it wasn't because I gave up my seven years clean. It was because like, I didn't even get fucking high and high.

I mean, I got something. Right. Psycho. But I like forgot, went to all the like good parts about meth and went right to like psychotic and fucking paranoid. Well, it hits you differently too as you get like older. I guess. I'm not like age shaming or anything like that, but your body changes. I guess. Like now, if I take a Lortab, like after I had my implants taken out, fucking, I took a Lortab and I was so fucking depressed the fucking next day. I was like, God, I don't remember feeling like this. Like what the fuck happened? Yeah. So your body changes and drugs,

the chemicals react differently with your body. Yeah, well, it was... I mean, it didn't make getting clean and getting any easier. It was fucking horrible. It was actually, I think, harder that second time. I only got loaded for three days and, like...

a day four I was like dude if I keep going that's it again like am I really trying to do this again like I don't know that I want to and I know that like three days is the habit with meth like it's three and if you do that fourth day that's it you're fucking done and I don't have any choice in the matter anymore you know I don't think I really have a choice once I put a fucking substance in my body I really like I'm a psychopath I lose my mind I'm not the same human being

And that's why I don't do drugs or drink. But it's so good that you have that consciousness of knowing that you are, you know, can be a monster, but you know when to turn it off and when to turn it off. Right, and that's kind of like, you know, I've been accused of not having sympathy for addiction, and I'm like, you know, I don't, maybe I don't, but like, I don't think that's it. Well, you've been through it. Well, it's like, I really, you know, it is fucking hard. It's hard to get clean. That's why only 2% of us ever do it. Right. But like,

Should the whole world suffer because the other ones couldn't? Absolutely. It's just the same mentality of like,

letting weakness, like we have to coddle the weak. Right. And like, no, that doesn't make them. Nobody coddled us. No. And that's why I'm fucking clean. Even like the homeless, like I, I've gone on, like I've talked about homeless people a lot. Right. And like, people think I'm a fucking asshole. And I'm like, first of all, I was homeless for four years. Look at me now. Not homeless. I ran away from home at 14. But listen, like, so after Utah, I was like for real homeless, like not like I was 18. I was like, I was just homeless for like another year and a half.

And I slept on concrete and I was legit homeless. I had a little homeless squad and all that. The homeless homies. And I would walk to the library every day and research because you could use the internet for free at the library. Research how to change my fucking situation and figure out how to get off the street. It was like...

Dude, I was 18 years old and I never even finished high school. I figured out how to get off the fucking street. I never panhandled. I never begged a day in my life. Not one time. I never took a dollar from anyone. What I would do is I would recycle fucking cans. So I'd be in the trash. I was like a dumpster tweaker. I'd be in the trash every day fucking collecting cans so I could recycle them. And I would cheat. I would fill them with washers and make them extra heavy because it's based off weight. I remember when you could do that and I had the can pressure. Yeah. You remember the can pressure? I would use my feet and my boots. Oh shit, yeah. But it was like...

I left home at 14 and I had my own apartment by the time that I was 17. It's just, it's a frame of mind. You don't allow yourself to become a victim. Well, I mean, I think I was a victim for long enough too that like, it was like, but at some point it was like, if somebody had tried to rescue me, I would never be where I am now. I'm so obsessed with not being homeless still that I now like awkwardly collect

homes. I hoard homes, which is great. But like, it's not a normal, like, Oh, I bought another house. I'm like obsessed with it. I have to own all the houses so that even if they take a couple of them, I still got one. I'll never be homeless again. That's part of your trauma. And part of it is that literally there is no safety net for me. Nobody picks up the ball. If I drop it, I take care of my brothers. I take care of my mother. She lives in a house that I own. I fucking pay for all her stuff. Everybody in my life. I pay for my

my you know my brother's court case every every fucking thing is on me everybody in my life all my boyfriends every fucking dude i've been minus the husband who was fully self-supporting right um um

but everybody in my, I think about how many lives would go to shit if I fucking fell. Right. You know, it's not even just mine at this point, which is a lot of pressure to have on your shoulders. Yes. But I mean, we also put that pressure on ourselves. I love it, dude. I work better under pressure. Well, I think about like, dude, when I was poor, I was poor for very, for a very long time, especially like, Oh, I got off the street. I was very poor. Yeah. You know, um,

I still ate dumpster Chinese food for several years after I got off the street because I couldn't afford food still. And I still wouldn't ask anybody for help. But so like around the holidays, like we're almost we're hedging up on Christmas right now. Around the holidays, I would fucking disappear around like November and then show up in February.

Yeah. Because I was so fucking embarrassed that I couldn't afford to get anybody presents that I loved, you know? And so like people like, how do you fucking, I'm like ridiculous. I love holidays. You have to fucking love them. And then it was like with all the trauma that you have, like how do you fucking love Christmas so much? Because you didn't have one. Well, and also because I'm not going to let some fucking asshole steal holidays from me. It was like anal, dude. Like, so like back to my, no, my James Dean anal story, like holiday.

Holidays are like anal. Christmas is like anal. I mean, I got off topic about porn and working through trauma. I like just hearing you talk. So I don't mind. And a lot of that was the same thing. Some fucking asshole stole the joy of anal from me.

Like, fuck you. You don't get to be the reason that I never get to like anal. Like, and I literally re-traumatized and I don't even, it wasn't even re-traumatized. I made myself do this until I was desensitized to it. I literally cried and cried and cried and had flashback after flashback after flashback. Um, you know, so that I could fucking,

enjoy the band-aid off so that you could bleed I was just telling my kid this last night Jay and Jay's daughter is ours full-time full custody and fucking she's going trying to work through her own trauma and she's 13 so I'm like oh lord child I'm trying to tell her that ripping the band-aid off bleeding and fucking letting it all come out and then healing up is how you have to get through it right you know and that's what you did with yeah I mean yes

I mean, other things. And other things. Yeah. I mean, I learned how to make the limp thing. Like, I just embraced that. That's my thing. Well, the reason I like violent sex is because of shit that I've been through, you know? So it's like, we all have our.

our own fucking fetish our fetishes stem from our trauma right because you could either let it at some point consume you or fucking you consume it at some point i can either just shoot myself in the head or i can learn to make my problems mine right and like and own them and profit off them i fucking absolutely child porn so like when that video came i was so humiliated the stuff when i was a kid like my mother saw it the fucking police department devonshire division fucking fuck you by the way um

But they made a joke with me on the phone when I was in Utah that like, oh, no, we only watched like 30, 40 times. And I was like, how is that appropriate? That's a horrible thing to say. But moreover, it was like... I feel like all men are pedophiles in some sort of way. I know, I know. Every fucking dude. There's some fucking books about that. It's crazy. But it was like so... I felt so exploited and like...

Being able to, so doing porn as an adult, I feel like I've got to even reclaim that, that it's when I fucking say, I can say cut. Yeah. Anytime I fucking want. And it all ends, you know? That's why I was an escort. I fucking would show up, take men's money, do what I wanted to do. Half the time I fucking robbed them.

you know, fuck it, you know, so, and I'm very vocal about that. Somebody actually commented that under one of Tommy's pictures. They're like, well, if it was about Ivan Moody or some shit like that, and they're like, well, if, um, you can stop robbing people for money and fucking he, you know, I forgot what she said. And I was just like, bitch, I will still rob somebody. Like,

Like, listen, it's just, it's embedded in you, but it's your, it's a control thing. You know, you're controlling the narrative and that's what helps heal. Right. And so I don't, I feel like I've, I've probably cured, you know, healed those things a while back and pretty much all of the stuff that I have sexually, which is great because now I can enjoy like,

I like, I make love. I make jokes, you know, like in that, in Fifty Shades of Grey where he's like, I don't make love, I fuck. That's the opposite of me. That's what I tell people. I'm like, I don't fuck, I only make love. Aww. How's dating for you now? God. Well, I have like, I have like 18 lovers. Oh.

The lovers are a whole thing. I love it. But like, I mean, it boils down to like at the end of the day. So I moved into the middle of fucking nowhere. Yeah. And I moved there with a guy. Right. Who I intended to like stay with. And that didn't work out. And that's I had taken a year and a half off porn. I quit porn for the dude. Was it your ex or just a new guy? My no, my ex. And then so and we ended up splitting up and then I went back to porn. Right. But so.

You know, I moved there with like a whole different idea than what ended up, you know, now I live alone in the middle of fucking nowhere. Sometimes I do weird shit. I'll be like crying on my stomach on like the island in my kitchen because like there's nobody there. There's nobody within miles to see me, you know, and like how healing is that? I think it's yes and no. Bro, it's yes and no. Sometimes it's the best thing and the worst fucking thing for me. Like I'm too, I'm too good at being alone.

tell like I start doing weird shit I'll start where's mom I'll notice on the counter I mean she lives like a while I mean she's my closest neighbor but that don't mean she's close right I did that specifically right but so um and she likes to she'll leave like during the holidays she's been going out of town I think partly because I get crazy right which it's not her job to deal with you know I'm a 28 year old woman right but um so like some of it is awesome you know but it's

there's nothing but you and your head in a place like that, you know? And it's beautiful, but also, like, you better learn how to fucking like yourself. Right. You have to know yourself and fall in love with yourself. Yeah, and so, for me, like, I'm go, go, go, go, go, go, and whenever I take a fucking...

for a second. Like, everything catches up and it, I think it was in Peaky Blinders. He said something about it. It starts when you stop and I was like, that's me. Oh, the silence is so loud. It fucking gets me, dude, every time and I always have to, like, I have to go through my little fucking manic cycle and it's fine and I've accepted it and like, most people in my life understand what that looks like and, you know, don't take it personally and if you do, fuck you. Yeah.

Well, it's like, if you know, like, I don't know what to tell you. I don't, I don't care. Yeah. There's nothing I can do, dude. I'm very, very, very bipolar. Like there's nothing I can fucking do. Yeah. Other than take meds, which like I said, not going to do. Um, but yeah. So, so as far as dating, like, you know, I don't know. It didn't really, none of this really went how I had planned. Right. Um, and so, so you're newly single in a new city and you're just like, you know what? Well, here's the thing. Smorgasbord of lovers. Yeah. So I ended up with like,

I realized that I could have all these lovers and it's, you know, I don't like fucking friends with benefits. That's fucking stupid, dude. I don't need that. I don't need like a fling. I don't need a fuck buddy, dude. I shoot porn. Right. Literally, there's nothing that I care about less than a fuck buddy. Right. Like, go fuck yourself. What I need is like the illusion of boyfriend in lots of, scattered among lots of different. Boyfriend experience. Yes. Yes.

I need a boyfriend experience scattered among enough people that not one of them ever gets clingy or starts thinking they fucking own some shit so they can start telling me that I can't do my job or some stupid shit. And now I'm so paranoid of getting... Dude, I'm a people pleaser and I'm super codependent. And I hate to say that, but when I'm with a dude and then I start feeling like, oh, I go to work and now he seems sad, he doesn't have to be controlling as in tell me to do or not. I'll stop doing things on accident. I just start like...

molding myself into what I think they want. And like, I'm so scared of that because of how far it went with my ex that like to where like places I didn't, I didn't even want to be who I was anymore. By the time I realized like what had happened, I'm like, dude, I don't even like myself. It's so important when you're in relationships to always have remain, have your own identity. Right. Right. And, and moreover, like, I mean, for me it's because my job and, and so that always becomes an issue. Right. And, and, and,

having so many lovers like I do now. Yeah. If one of them gets weird, I just fucking let him go, dude. Yeah. Or don't talk to him for a little bit. Put him on ice. Sometimes, well, yeah, sometimes they just have to, if you have like, you're allowed to have like, like be upset about something, but I don't need to hear about it. Right. I'm a grown up. I don't need to hear about it. Don't come to me with your fucking issues about me. No, listen, if it's about something else, that's fine. If it's about my job, there's nothing to talk about. Right. Go figure it out. If you want to come back, doors open. If you don't,

Good. Later. Yeah. Sorry that it didn't work out. Yeah. Like the 16 other ones. I feel like men always try to, that's like the first thing they go to. Like I, my abusive relationship, I used to get beat up all the time because of how I made money, but he didn't make money. Right. So it was like, yes,

This is always how it is. How are we going to fucking afford this lavish lifestyle? In your magical thinking, what do you think it looks like? Yeah. Like, where do we go from here? We'll just go be homeless together. Yeah. Like, it's crazy. But yeah, you want to beat me up to where I can't fucking work. But yeah, you want to complain that fucking we don't have nice things. Yeah, physically maim your body so you can't go shoot the next day. Oh, my face. He's literally tried to kill me a few times. Yeah, I've done these.

I've done these. We've danced this dance before. Well, what can everybody expect from you in this next year? Are you going to keep doing porn? So here's what I've been saying this since the day I came out of the womb. Like, yeah, bro, you know, your guess is as good as mine. I have no fucking idea. I just live life. Like I do. You're not a man with a plan. No, I don't have any fucking plans. I'd like to pay off like a lot of this fucking property.

that I just bought. I don't even know how I'm going to do that. You know, maybe I'll keep doing it. It'll come to you. If I shoot a scene tomorrow and decide I never want to shoot another one, I won't. I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I have a really hard time getting myself to do shit that I don't want to do. I have an authority problem too. Yeah, I kind of want to like. If I feel like somebody's making me do something I don't want to do, ask Mimi. She tries to get me to work all the time and I'm like, I don't want to. My mother does that with my soap company now. She'll like, are you going to make soap today? I'm like, you've made it into your business and now I feel like you're my boss. So no. No, I'm not. You know, like the whole point of owning

businesses was that nobody would nag me. And then porn's the same way and you know but just everything and now like

really what I want now, I'm like so obsessed with jujitsu right now. Like all I do is fucking workout. And I started rock climbing cause it helps with grip strength for, for jujitsu. But my whole life is basically. So for those of you guys who don't know, karma is into jujitsu a lot right now. I love it. I'm obsessed. I'm completely obsessed. Um, I train like six hours a day. So, but it's great. So like, so with what I've got going with porn right now is I'll fly out for two weeks to LA or, or,

Miami, but usually LA. And then I'll come back and train for six weeks. And I can have my lives be completely separate. And then I have six fucking weeks. Yeah, to regroup. Well, to just fucking do nothing. All I want to do really is quit my job and just train jiu-jitsu. Which is like a fucking joke. Do you ever plan on fighting in the cage like regularly? Oh, well, I mean, if I wasn't like, if I didn't have to shoot porn. Yeah. You know, like I can't afford to get...

my face fucked up like that. Like grappling is fine because we don't punch each other in the face. Right. But if like, you know, Kate, like any kind of like, I'm sure there's a fetish. I'm sure there's a fetish for black eyes and porn. I think I look so, this is actually like what I think my, like that's the type that people want when they want,

me. Like I look like a fun time behind a dumpster with a split lip and a black eye. Stop it. But that's what I look like. No because here's the thing because women are always trying to sell like what sells instead of what they are. And like I've accepted that that is what I am. Right. As like a sexual enigma that's what I am. Right. And like if I just sell that I make a lot of money. As soon as I start trying to sell like girl next door like yeah

It's not really viable. Yeah. No, I get that. Somebody wants the fun time behind a dumpster. Oh, no, they do. They definitely do. But you're so beautiful. Yeah, but you could be beautiful and a fun time behind a dumpster with a black eye and a split lip. I look great with a split lip. No, I love it. I love how I look with black eyes because then you can't see the bags under my eyes. And I feel like that's why men hit me some. I'm just kidding. Oh, Lord. Sorry.

We are not making light of domestic violence for all the Karens out there. No, but again, so I make jokes about that too. Fuck off. Yeah, no, I know. You've been beat up as much as I have. You can make fucking jokes too. No, I get it. I totally understand. It's like people who fought in the war and make jokes about killing babies. Like, dude, you don't have a fucking right to judge them. Right. How do you deal with killing babies other than to laugh?

There's nothing... Seriously. What the fuck do you do? I have, especially living out here, like everybody I know now is like, was in the war because everybody in Tennessee served. Oh yeah. Pretty much every single fucking man in Tennessee served. No, it's crazy. And so they've all got these fucked up stories and it's like, how dare you fucking say what I can and can't laugh about? The Karens of the internet can suck my dick. No, the fucking world is so judgmental now. Well, and when you have literally...

no leg to stand on because you have literally not been through fucking anything. Like I don't even know what to describe. They're always the most opinionated. Dude, it's crazy. Yeah. Like they're trying to tell me about homeless people. I'm like, I know. I fucking fucked all the homeless. Shut the fuck up.

I am the homeless. Like, don't tell me about... You've literally never gone without a meal. Shut the fuck up. You have literally no place to speak. Watch your fucking mouth. It's like telling me about porn. Like, okay, bud. Yeah. Or telling me about fucking... I mean...

I just like, I would never think to tell you about the music industry. Right. Or your husband about the music, or tell me about, I don't fucking know anything about the music industry. What would I fucking know? No, I get it. Other than what people tell me, which isn't much. But I mean, whatever happened to just letting people live? Right, right. Like, how hard is it to not comment on somebody's fucking life and let them live? I mean, so like, I think about like social media and like,

I've had this like this horror story of a life, right? Like, and we got into like a small part of it, you know, and there's a lot more. Oh, we're going to have you back on because there's so much to undig, to dig up here. It never ends. It's a never ending fucking shit show. But, um, I look at like all this stuff, like all the tragic shit and the like terrible decision, like horrible shit that I've done and that's been done to me.

And, and I somehow escaped the weird gene that like, I see a picture of a woman that I think is ugly and I feel the need to comment about it. Right. Yeah. Like how did I go through like every fucking horrible thing? And I'm like such a piece of shit according to society. And yet I see girls on the Instagram and I don't tell them that they look fat. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I was saying how, what happened to these people who say that? Cause I think they're the normal ones without any trauma. No, it's just, there's so fucking be that. I think it's because we've lived ugly and horrible shit and we know what it's like to hurt people, to be hurt. Right. So we don't hurt people and to hurt people. So it's like, we are choosy with who we are going to choose violence with. You know, we're like, also, I guess like I've said stupid shit to a guy that I was with and got the fucking dog shit kicked out of

Yeah. And you learn to watch your mouth. Yeah. And like, not that it made it right, but I'm kind of glad if that's the, like, if that's what it took for me to not comment. Well, you also grew up on the streets too. And so did I. There's consequences for your fucking actions. There's a code of ethic whenever you grow up on the streets. You just know when to not run your fucking mouth. Right. Or you learn quickly. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, these fucking Instagram like idiots that'll sit there and like talk shit. Yeah. And like it doesn't bother me. I've had people comment on every single, I have flaws on my body that even being a woman, I had no idea I had until Instagram. Like they will find some shit. Girl, try getting on TikTok. Yeah, they will find some shit that you do.

even know what's wrong with you like what my thing is they pick on my husband all the time they tear us apart for being together like he's not deserving of love and that like pick on me all day tell me ever I don't call me old call me ugly I don't give a fuck but when you come for my husband like I feel like this is how my fucking account gets deleted all the time yeah I'm super careful about me

But it was like even Tommy, like somebody said some stupid shit about Tommy. I'm like, what the fuck did you just say? You fucking shut your fucking little core cunt mouth. Like, and then my account, sorry. And then my account's deleted. And I'm like, oh Jesus. Yeah. For bullying. Yeah. My bad. Or like, yeah, talking about my fucking wife. It's absolutely not going to happen. And then everybody's like, dude, nobody cares. We don't care. I'm like, well, they should fucking know better. And then it's also the disrespect of somebody to say something to me about someone I fucking love. You are literally disgusting.

asking for yeah there's a disrespect towards me to fucking speak to me like you're literally asking are you a piece of shit you're poking me are you like a fucking coward piece of shit I just tell everybody I'm like just I'm like just show up to a concert baby don't be shy oh yeah tell me who you are yeah yeah like we'll just we'll end it right there because I'm not gonna sit there and fucking internet keyboard sometimes I do bro like

I can't, but again, only when it's about someone I love and like, I need to, I've learned to insult people so deeply, but so kindly now that it's like fun when I do it. I feel like sometimes I need them to understand. It's just like, I just want to be angry. I'm yeah. But I'm just tired of people like questioning, like don't poke me in the loyalties wound. Like, yeah. If there's one thing that I am, it's that loyal. Yeah. No, we're loyal to a fault. Nobody in the world can say that they've ever caught me in a lie. Hmm.

or that they've ever heard me break my word or that I've ever been disloyal to somebody. And that's actually good qualities to have because a lot of people don't fucking have that anymore. I mean, again, part of why I feel like an alien in the world. My therapist always tells me that I'm, especially with honesty, because I'm obnoxiously honest. Like,

It takes courage to... Be honest. Yeah. And I will fucking always accept a hard truth of a lie. And I have no respect for people who lie to me. Yeah. Even about anything. And so my therapist, so like, I'll be trying to make friends. I don't have many friends. I'll try to be trying to make friends and they'll, dude, like this tiniest little thing that's not even really a lie. And I'm like, that was it. My therapist will even tell me, she's like, dude, like... I'm the same way with people. Not everybody's... Ask Mimi. Yeah, but she's like, dude, at this point, like, you know, you're going to have a hard time making friends.

friends like with like because it's just as we expect i know and i'm like is it that is what i expect that fucking outlandish to not be a fucking shit bag like is it that outlandish no because i literally i don't ask anybody to do shit that i don't fucking do every day no i know i know it's amazing how pathetic everybody is i'm like do i really have to dumb down my standards like okay you can lie to me and be a disloyal and talk shit about my wife like i know no i get it

Well, Karma, I have had such a good time with you here and I just absolutely love the person that you are. I think it's amazing. And I'm happy that people at home have got to see a little glimpse. I mean, we barely even chipped the iceberg. It never ends. Like there's no point.

I know, but I want to keep, you're going to come back. I want to keep bringing you back and have you on just to talk more and just to, I think people need to talk about politics and pedophiles. I don't talk about politics. That's one thing I do not talk about. See, that's why me and Tommy can't have a podcast. It's going to be horrible.

It'd be the worst dude. Yeah. No I can't. We're gonna fucking make so many people so angry. I'm already I'm so anti-government and establishment that I just don't even care. Well same though. I mean like fucking before anarchy became like some weird thing that the left uses. Yeah like everybody uses now. Well okay but like first of all that is like literally the opposite of the definition of anarchy but whatever. They're like being anarchist where are

mask like what um like how does that even work in the punk rock community like it's so fucking backwards yeah but like I mean that's who I am it's funny that I've been an anarchist my entire life and then like one day I became a Trump supporter like without changing any of my views right I'm like it's weird how that happened because like my views are the same right I don't like the government fucking meddling with my life

Right. It's like whoever I have to vote for that gets me closer to that. That's who I'll vote for. Right. You know, I like people call me. I'm so and this is all we'll talk about because I do not get into politics. I'm so against the government that I won't even vote. Yeah. Like that. Our votes don't matter. Last year was the first time that I did. Our votes really don't fucking matter. Yeah. No, no matter what we do, whoever is voting

picked behind the scenes to go into office is gonna fucking go into office. It doesn't matter like us being sheep at the polls. Yeah, I mean, I imagine you're probably right and that's why I never did and then at one point it was, it became like to where it affected my life so, my personality so much. Yeah, you wanted to make a difference. Yeah, but it was like if it does make a difference, like I don't want to be, what if I was the one vote

but like the election, I get one more person that fucking voted. Like imagine. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah. No politics are trash. Karma. I can't wait to have you back on. Tell people where they can find you. Like what are your socials? Not on Tik TOK. She is going to get on Tik TOK though. Cause she's already on there. So she might as well just be raking up those views on her own.

Yeah. My Instagram, if it's still up there, it's been like two hours since I checked it, so it might be deleted again. That's how I live. That's how I live my life every day. It's karma.rx. My Twitter is karma underscore rx. Anything else you could find on one of those two things? Yep. And then do you have a Pornhub account or anything like that? Yeah. I mean, fucking Google.

Just Google Karma Rx. It's not that hard to find my titties. I actually did not see your titties. That's beautiful. I know. I really didn't. I didn't want to see that side of you. I wanted to see the other side. What did you Google? Karma Rx clothes? Interviews. Oh, I know.

Because I was like, if you just Google Karma Rx, it's like nothing but. I've surprised some people's parents, let me tell you. No, I actually was very surprised when I gargled. Gargled. Gargled. When I gargled Karma. Whenever I Googled Karma Rx interviews, you were fully clothed and everything. Oh, yeah. So I just kind of like. Probably dressed like this because I like people to not try to talk to me about porn the whole time.

Another reason me and Tommy are friends because he let me be a person in our podcast. I literally don't even care about that. I really wanted to talk to you about your trauma. That's really what I wanted to hear. You got like the trauma podcast. Yeah, kind of. A little bit. It's a little bit of everything. It's a lot of sex and a lot of trauma. So sex and trauma, I guess, is really what the podcast is based on. They go pretty hand in hand.

Yeah, but it's... You know, I have men that come on here, too. Like, Tommy talked about his trauma, too. Oh, yeah. I fucking watched that whole thing. You know, so it's like everybody's got a fucking story. They just need a platform to tell it and the right person to talk to about it, you know? So, well...

I appreciate you and I appreciate your story. I appreciate you. You really are so hot. Now I can see why Kaylee, I mean, I always saw why you were hot, but now that I get to see you in person and actually feel your presence, I can see why Kaylee is on love with you. Because we're the same person. We're like a dirty old man trapped in like a hot girl

body yeah waiting for somebody to figure out that we're imposters no i totally see it you guys are like fucking soulmates for life dude thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of dumb blonde i will see you guys next week bye