JWoww: Turning Trauma Into Art
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Is this thing on? Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker, now hosts the podcast Dumb Blonde. Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and shit. And I was like, I want to be super hot, make a lot of fucking money and be a rock star's wife. That was my goal as a child. And here we are. I see that.

What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, this woman is a freaking household name. If you don't know who she is, you are living under a rock. Miss JWoww, baby. Jenny Farley, how you doing, baby? Well, now I'm blushing. Oh!

You are so beautiful. I was just staring at her across the table and I was like, you are so beautiful. Oh my gosh. Thanks. No, like stunning. Even in person too. Like you're beautiful online, but in person it's wild. No, I will say that. Like online, I'm like, is that how I look in real life? And everyone's like, oh my God, you have all this like crazy work done. You've done this. I said...

And I look back and I'm like, no, I actually just think I make the most awkward facial expressions on every red carpet because I'm just that person. I tell everybody I fucking hate red carpets. Same. Like you can go there looking and feeling your best to yourself. And then you get that fucking Getty image back. And you're like, who the fuck is this wombat? Like there's so many times that I'm like, what happened? I just went to the PCA's.

By the way, congratulations on Jelly winning. Thank you. I saw. I did not win, but I got all my pictures back and I'm like, is that how I look? You looked gorgeous though. I thought you looked gorgeous. I make the just most asinine, ridiculous faces that clearly don't resonate well in photos. I know.

It's also because there's fucking 50 cameras going off at one time. You don't know which one to look at. Nobody ever fucking picks a good side to post ever. They want the bad ones. They have one that has haunted me for, did you see the Tik TOK I made of it? I look like Slimer. I'm telling you it is Jenny. It's the fucking worst thing. And they post it in every fucking news article. It's what they do. It's the fucking three Chenner. Like, I mean, I'm like, I laughed and it was like, just, Hey,

You know, like it was so bad. That's me too. Like I'm always like this. I'm always like, and I'm like, I always have like PR or something like lift your chin, like do something. And I'm just dead inside because I'm like, I don't know what to do. Nobody fucking gives lessons on how to walk on a red carpet either. No, it's like you have to, you're thrown to the wolves and you have to figure it out yourself. And as an older millennial, I have the awkward stance or the peace sign. Me too. Yeah.

I do the double peace sign. I'm always like, what do I do with my hands? I'm always like slapping my hand down like, what are you doing? I'm like, what am I supposed to do? It's so awkward, dude. Well, I think you look stunning on all the red carpets. Thank you. So I got to listen. I don't really listen to too many podcasts. I'm not. I kind of like, you know, because I do my podcast, so I don't really dive into other ones. But I listened to the Vile Files podcast with you the other day.

And I really loved it. Thank you. I was like, she has such a sweet soul. Oh, thanks. That was my first real podcast like yourself that I wasn't doing for press for just like five minutes. And I was just like, all right, I've known Nick for years. I met his girlfriend on their first date. I've known him like years prior. I was like, all right, I think I'm just going to

take your suggestion and go on. But without any rhyme or reason. I've never known to do a podcast and understand what am I going to bring to the table on a podcast. Yourself. But I'm like, what does that mean? And that's where I get nervous and I'm super introverted and I get really stressed

doing these things because I, even though I know Nick, I'm a fan of Nick. And even though I know you now, I am a super fan of you. So I'm like, I should be interviewing them. Like, why does anyone want to interview me? I'm just a mom in New Jersey. You are an icon who's been on TV for almost two decades. Yes.

And it feels like 20, but yes. The longevity of that alone is so admirable because not very many people get a TV shelf life of that long.

No, and I will tell you this, if they would have told me that in 2009, I would have showered and not look like I did in half the episodes. But again, none of us knew back then. But I think that's what made you iconic was you were so, you were rough around the edges, but you were like a diamond in the rough. And you literally have not only grown up with a generation, but you are like the big sister that nobody had to a generation. Oh, thank you. You are.

Looking back, I can see that and being the oldest girl in the house and living on my own since I was 17 and all these things, being raised by my dad, like all of that I see being like that's my full circle moment was I was like the mom of the house. But the one that like didn't allow the shit to continue, the one that called everyone out on their shit still to this day. But.

But I think it took me to be, which I'll be 39 next week, many, many years to see it. Because when you're living it and you're going through it, I didn't see it then. I couldn't... For one, I didn't even... I couldn't even establish the fact that we were famous for just being us. Yeah. Like, I was just like, I'm just being me and having the best time of my life with these crazy roommates. And it took...

probably within like the last five years to realize how big Jersey Shore truly was. It was literally just a moment in history.

Yeah. Like it was a historic event that is going to go down in the history books of the cast of Jersey Shore. Like you guys, there's nobody who doesn't know who any of you guys are. Oh, thank you. Yeah, for sure. I want to circle back to your childhood though. You did just say that you were raised by a single father and I had heard that before because I was raised by a single father also. I know. And,

Yeah. And I love how you put him on a pedestal the way that you do. Oh, Bill. Yes, Bill. Good old Bill. I call Terry my dad. But I'm like, I love that. And I love how you show through your videos like how much he means to you being a woman married, you know, grown and like you still give the accolades to the man who made you who you are today. I appreciate that. It's been a long road. Me and Bill have had a bumpy ride.

Same. Yeah? Tell me a little bit about your childhood. Tell me, like, you know, where was mom when you were growing up? So when I was two years old... So first off, my parents had me in the 80s when they were 20. I think my mom actually got pregnant at, like, 19 or 20. Same. And my dad was, like, 21, 22. And in hindsight, looking back, like, I couldn't fathom. No...

technology like we have now. There were no iPads, there were no cell phones, there was no internet. And you have this 20 and 22 year old that just decided, "Oh, a one night stand turned into something more. And we're going to have this child and not even in college." And around two years old, my mom got very sick with a mental illness. And then they still stayed together.

But my mom was in and out of the hospital. And a lot of people actually don't know this story, so it's nice to talk about it because people always get confused. But my mom was in and out of the hospital. And around, I think it was my fourth or fifth birthday, my grandmother left my birthday party and got in a car accident and died. Oh, my God.

It was my mom's mom. So that took my mom out of the equation. And I feel so terrible because I couldn't comprehend then, like leaving my birthday all excited. It's in February. As I said, it's next week. It's coming up. Yeah, happy birthday. Yeah, thank you. Upstate New York. There was snow and a teenager hit the brakes and skidded across ice and T-boned my mom.

My godmother and my grandmother's car, my grandmother soon passed.

And because my mom was suffering with mental illness so badly, she just couldn't do it anymore. And so my dad at like 25, 26 was like, well, you know, here we are. Like, it's just you and me, kid. And it has been ever since. My mom is actually still alive. I take care of her. She's in an assisted living home close by. Everywhere I move, she moves right by me. But

um she's like my third child i always say that i inherited custody of my parents because yeah my mom died last year oh i'm so sorry i inherited it's okay we weren't close at all but um she i inherited her and you know i had i had her in an assisted living and got to spend like the last year of her life with her so same scenario as much as i am close to my mom i love her and i take care of her

She's not my mom. Right. You know what I mean? Yes. It's, you know, my grandmother, my dad's mom was my mom. And unfortunately, she passed away right before the Italy season, which caused a whole spiral for me. But, you know, my dad's family really stood up and was like, we're going to be a community. Like, I remember when I first got my period, I had to call my cousin. And I was like, what is happening? No. I can't call my dad. Oh.

It takes a village. Yeah. And like my, I got made fun of in school and someone like, this is so corny, but like when I was like 13, someone was like, um,

said the word boner. And I was like, I don't know what that is. So I had to go to my cousin who was like in her 20s. And I'll never forget. There's not much I remember from my childhood because I think I truly suppressed it. But I'll never forget the look on my cousin's face when I was like, can you tell me what a boner is? Yeah.

Again, these were like, I think those were like the most important moments. Not the boner one, but like the moments. Listen, I remember my first boner. No, I'm just kidding. Like where I think being a mother is so important and having a mother is so important. It really is. Because as bad as my childhood was and as great as my dad was,

to help me facilitate to become the woman that I am today. Like those, those like really important moments you need with that female energy wasn't there. And I think I put my all now into my daughter because of what I didn't have. And I can't wait to talk about your daughter later. Cause you said some profound things that I heard and I just, I love the way that you mother and,

Don't you think it's crazy that, um, you know, not having a mom around makes you want to be, or, you know, not having a present mother, whether she is in your life or not makes you want to be sometimes in our cases, the complete opposite of what they were. You know, I, I inherited my bonus baby and I knew that I was not going to be like how my crazy stepmother or how my

mom was. I was like this. I want to be a completely different parent. And has that affected you in that way also? Yeah, I would say more so now than ever. In my 20s, I couldn't rationalize. Well, actually, I'll take a step back. In my early 20s, I thought I was going to get the same diagnosis as my mother.

So I went balls to the wall. Which diagnosis was that, if you don't mind me asking? Nobody knows, but I will say it. It's schizophrenia. My mom was a schizophrenic too. No way. Swear to God. And you speak about it publicly? Oh, yeah. I've been very vocal about it. Wow. Yeah. And the only reason why I don't really speak on it is because she's still here. And I don't want to define her as that. But at 22, that's what she got diagnosed with. Actually, if we're going to just be open and honest...

It was the 80s. It was 1987. My dad couldn't get a hold of my mother for hours. And he worked at this not this great place because, you know, the 22, what kind of career are you going to have? Right. And he kept calling the phone and calling the phone. Nobody was answering. This is landline guys where. Oh, I miss those. Yeah. I do miss a good landline phone call in a three way. Yeah.

So my dad, like, knew something was wrong and knew something wasn't right with my mother. So he ran home and he couldn't find us. And we lived at, like, our second or third story apartment building. And he went through, you know, those back emergency stairwells. And he found my mom, like, in the fetal position, passed out. And me holding her in...

In a diaper. Oh, I just got chills. And he thinks that she either had a seizure there or she had a psychotic break. And that was it. And I held her for the two to three hours he couldn't reach us. And that was the day that she went to the hospital. But I'm sure you know with that diagnosis, that's...

The hospitals don't like to keep people. They don't. They kind of get you healthy, happy. Well, they put you on medication. Yes. The best of your ability and then send you back. But my grandmother's passing was the end all be all. And I remember being my daughter's age, eight or nine years old. And I told my dad, like, you got to give up. You got to stop. Like, we have to move on.

And you were parenting your dad. Yeah. Because I was like, we can't keep living like this because she was so in and out of the program. But he wouldn't get a divorce yet. He was like, we're going to try and make it work. He was. But there was no relationship there. Like it was just like I remember one time when I was like seven, my son's age and my mom was

in the middle of the night, fell and broke her shin. And her shin bone was like through her, and it was very traumatizing because I remember it, but it was because her medication, she was too over-medicated and she slipped and fell. And I was like, Dad, we have to live for ourselves and we have to get her the help that she needs because being home might not be the best case scenario. And it just wasn't.

And that was just the beginning of her health issues. I don't know if you know, like long-term psych meds can cause so many other health issues. Yes. And, you know, but I will say this. She was the only mother I knew. Right. As in...

since the beginning of time, that was, that was my mom. So I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Like for instance, like a mother with, um, dementia or Alzheimer's, like you knew your mom one way and now God forbid, you have to see your mother in a different light and you're always reverting back to the mom that she once was. But that took a lot of

soul seeking to see, but, um, you know, I only knew my mom one way. So like, I'm like, that was just my mom. Some people have it better. Some people have it worse. That was just my mom. So I'm okay with my, my, um,

just my story because I truly believe the way that my story went as my childhood went, um, I ended up where I am now because if I was happy and content and have the beautiful white picket fence house growing up and both parents and the, and the, the beautiful family that people have, I would never have wanted to move to New York city and find who I wanted to be. Um,

And I would have never ended up on the Jersey Shore. I always say that. I always tell everybody, they're like, you know, God, you've been through so much trauma. Because my mom left me on a doorstep when I was three months old while my dad was in the hospital. So I never knew a nurturing mom ever. Yeah. And then I didn't find her again until like AOL when I was like 21. She popped up on my screen and was like, hey, I'm your mom. And I'm like, well, this is fucking weird. So it started a whole weird thing. But yeah.

You know, I forgot where I was going with that. I had a point, I swear. But, you know, as far as like our moms go, do you think not having that mother figure in your life? Because I just want to know because I grew up severely like aggressive almost like I was the parent, too. And I feel like not having that mother figure and that feminine energy made me pretty aggressive. Like I was feisty. I was raised as a boy. I say it all the time. My dad only knew one way to raise me.

And it was martial arts, four-wheeling, jet skiing, snowmobiling. I was raised a boy. There was no makeup in my house. Like I remember Little Giants. Like I was that girl. Like why you have cherry red lipstick on? Like lip gloss. Like that's not a thing. I was wearing like...

FUBU and Tommy Hilfiger and I was like a complete tomboy and like is that why you were such a fighter because on the show you came in guns a blazing and you're pretty like

I think, I mean, I want to say it. I think, and I guess that would just be my personality. Like that was just, there was no nonsense. Right. And as you know, single family home, there is no nonsense. Yeah. Like if you want dinner and your dad's working late, you had to provide yourself dinner. Like, especially in the nineties and, you know, in the early two thousands, like you were there to raise yourself up.

I think it's different in a mother single household because it's more nurturing. I would imagine. I would imagine. If it was a normal mother situation. Yes. Yes. Yeah. The assumptions there. Yeah. We're just assuming at this point. Yeah. We're bonding right now. We're not having moms. Yeah. Trauma bond. Healthy moms.

So moving on from that, which, you know, shout out to your dad for stepping up to the plate because back then dads didn't do that. And some people get mad at me when I say that they're like, yes, they did. My dad raised me too. And I'm like, do you know how rare that is? Especially back then in the eighties, like for a single dad to raise girls. Yeah. Yeah.

it's wild. And that's why I treat Bill the way I do now, because I'm like, you know what? Back then you didn't have to do that, but you did like, yeah, you're my dad. And technically you did have to do it, but you didn't have to do it. You know? So can I ask you a question? Sure. Did you know your mother's diagnosis before you met her?

Um, no. So when she came back into my estate, my parents were like, kept everything hush hush. I had a crazy step mom who my dad married, who was extremely abusive. And I mean, it was just really bad. And they, I didn't get to see a picture of my real mom until I was 18 years old and I had to fight for it. My dad had to, was getting on a plane. I'm like, I don't know if I've ever told the story. I might have.

My dad was getting on a plane after coming to visit me. Cause I had ran away from, I left home at 14 and never went back. I've done those before. Yeah. Never got a dollar from my parents. Nothing like never looked back. And, um,

My dad had come out to visit me and, you know, just make sure I was okay or whatever, see where I was living. And he was getting on the plane, but because my stepmom was so overbearing, he couldn't let her know that he was doing this. So she walked on the plane before him and he turned around, reached in his pocket, hands me a Ziploc freezer bag full of pictures and just runs on the plane.

So I'm left to go sit in my car and look at these pictures of my mom. And that was the first time I had ever gotten to see my mom. And so, um,

When she came back in my life on the AOL situation, she was trying to cause problems. And, you know, she was telling her version of the truth. And my dad was just like, you cannot believe anything your mom says. She's a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And he's like, she told me she had six brothers and sisters. And when I met her mom, she was an only child. You know, so I was like, damn. So that sent me on her whole thing. I was like, God, am I going to inherit that? So that's what I was going to ask. Yeah. The question was going to be like...

If you knew her diagnosis, were you scared to get it? Yeah. And did that...

Because I know it happens in your early 20s. They say late teens, early 20s. Wow. I thought it could like happen at any time. Like if you go under too much stress or like... Or drugs. Yeah. Things. But like they're... It mostly happens... If it's going to happen organically is what I heard is it will happen from like 18 to 24. Or stress-induced or drug-induced. Certain drugs can bring it out. Yeah. So...

So I had like a mandatory therapy growing up because of it. Like the state required it or my dad just lied and was like, you need to go to therapy. But he cared so much about you. He was like he wanted to get ahead of the problem if there ever was one. Yeah. So but by doing that, they informed me of these things. I don't think that they should have. Right. It caused health anxiety. Yeah. So I like.

20s went full tilt thinking like if I'm going to have this I'm going out like with a blaze. Yeah.

Guns a blazing. Got like full blown Bon Jovi. Like because, shout out to him by the way, he lives local to here. We love him. I just met him a couple weeks ago at his music cares thing. And I was so in awe because I grew up in the rock era. So Bon Jovi was like a god with his little blue jean shorts and crop tops. Yes. That was my first concert with my dad. That's amazing. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

He's iconic to me. No, same. I don't think he likes us because we're Jersey, but like, shout out to him. I'm a super fan. Yeah, I love that. But in the early, like my early 20s, I really thought for like a solid six months to a year that like,

I would end up like my mom. And I hated myself for that. And I like experimented with drugs and alcohol and partying and like not getting my shit together and like resented my father for like bringing me into this world that like I didn't choose and really like,

I don't know. I just think I hated the world because then I also grew up in an affluent neighborhood in upstate New York where everyone is, you know, upper middle class. And we didn't have that. And we were considered poor. And I was just like, well, this sucks. My school is all blonde, blue-eyed cheerleaders that have like...

All the money in the world, to me, that was a lot of money. It was probably, you know... Right. Low six figures. But to me, that was, like, astronomical. Yeah. So I developed this, like, resentment and, like, hatred for, like, the position I was put in. And it took until, like... How crazy to be that young and so kind of, like, aware of everything going on. Aware. But it just...

I don't know. I wish I could like hug my young self and be like, it's going to be okay. You just got to go through it. You can do that. You can visualize that and do that. And it's so healing. I've done it a few times in therapy. Here's a question I got for you. Okay. Were you popular in school?

So I don't know if I was popular because I never wanted to follow the crowd. So if you were a cheerleader, barf. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. But I was a bully and I used to fight everybody because I was getting beat up at home. So I fought on the bus all the time or I fought with girls all the time. And my outlet was beating people up. So I don't know if I was cool, but people just...

didn't fuck with me because I was always fighting. I was very aggressive. I was always very, you know, life of the party. And I hung out with the popular girls, but, and one of my best friends, Tasha, shout out Tasha. She was a, she was like the cheerleader captain, but I was like her emo friend who like, you know, was like a tomboy. I used to wear boxers rolled down and t-shirts and tennis shoes to school. So I don't know. I don't know if I was popular. Yeah. I was just kind of always danced to the beat of my own drum and didn't care.

I only asked because I felt very mirrored with you. Like this is giving me mirrored image right now. And I'm the same because of my upbringing and because of my position in life. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't bothered. Right. And nobody would try and bother me. Right. And I kind of migrated to like,

all the groups same I had like a friend in each but like to me no friend at all like because I was like I'll fight for you but like I guarantee nobody would have fought for me right oh same that's I've always been that friend who oh and I'm always the fucking one who's the asshole because I'll speak up first same and I always get made to look like the villain but I'm like I don't care you know like this somebody has to say it so I'm gonna be the one to say it

And I will say that life of me and that part of me definitely transitioned to the show. Mm-hmm.

And I couldn't even hide it. Yeah. So a lot of times people are like, oh, what is wrong with her? Why is she quiet? Why is she this? Why is she that on the show? And I'm just like, I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut. And it's just like, it looks to be one thing, but it's just me trying to not be like who I am. Yeah. Which is the person that's ready to like snap your neck for doing to me the wrong thing. My life motto was don't start, none won't be none.

Always. Same. But it's hard on a reality TV show because you don't know how it's going to be edited and you don't know how it's going to be perceived and you don't know if you're in the wrong because you're so in the moment. Yeah. Because to me, it feels right, right? Right.

And then I've seen it play back and I'm like, oh shit, I wasn't in the right. Or it wasn't being perceived that way because you only have one viewpoint rather than all eight. Right. And there were times that I was like, oh, I wish I didn't do that. What is your biggest lesson you think you've learned just being in the public eye for as long as you have? Good and bad.

For me, and this might be good and bad, for me, it wasn't like selling myself. Like I noticed a lot of people that go on reality TV and they take that 15 minutes and they do things that I don't think they would normally do or they would leave their significant others to try and like go to L.A. and be something that they're not. And I always stayed authentic to myself. I don't know if that helped my career or not.

like made it so I didn't reach my full potential in the industry. Right. Because what if I did move to L.A.? What if I did pursue the things that I wanted to do? What if I did date, you know, a football player like they all do or a basketball player? What if I did like pursue more PR and put myself out there and

you know, do the roles that I were offered. But because I'm so introverted and because I just like being me, I didn't pursue those things. And I always question like, was that the best option for me? You would have been just like them.

I think how you've gone on your journey has set yourself apart from everybody. And when people have so much access to you, it gets watered down. So the fact that you're almost 20 years in on your, in your public platform and you're just now sitting down doing podcasts for yourself, like that speaks volumes because normally people would have gone and capitalized off of what they could have, you know, and you're just kind of doing it on your own time.

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't even know why. Like right now, I couldn't even tell you. It was just like. You're just ready. I am ready, but I am a fan. Like I'm a huge fan of yours. I love you. No, I'm like, I was just like, it's. You're so sweet. Your podcasts are so, and I was telling my fiance this earlier, warm and welcoming. And they're not for clickbait. And they're not about like.

taking someone down while bringing someone up. Yeah. It's just like authentic and I love you and your dad and your story with your, your daughter. Mm-hmm.

your bonus child and your husband. And I'm like, you know, these are the people that if I was to do a podcast, which I normally wouldn't, like this is what I would want to do it with. These are the people I want to be with when I do it. I appreciate that. That is like such a sweet compliment. And it's hard for me to ever, I tell everybody, you got to take your flowers while you're here. But when people give it to me, I get like all squirmy and I'm like, hey, want to make out? You know, like I say something weird, but I appreciate that. And thank you so much because I've really worked hard

so hard on this podcast to kind of set myself apart from all the rest of them because I've been doing this for so long, you know, and for you to be able to see what I'm trying to do just makes me so happy. I see it. And I'm a fan. I appreciate you. Let's circle back to your childhood. So you're growing up with dad, you are going to school and then you get out of school and you go to college for graphic design.

Yeah, so we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but my dad loved taking me to Disney every few years. And when I was a teenager, I got to go to Disney with my dad, which I'm still a huge fan of. Don't you have a Disney sleeve? Yes. And I wanted to be a Disney animator. So I started going to college for software development and CGI and computer graphics and animation.

And I'll just be honest, I was awful at it. I can't draw a fucking stick figure. I can draw. I admire people who can. But it takes a different breed of person to do what animators do. I mean, you're in a room 60, 80, 100 hours a week, you know, animating seaweed for a movie. So...

during college when I was in New York City, I got it like this, kind of like this little offer, like, do you want to be on a Guido voting off show on VH1? I was like, sure. And,

And this when I was like 22, 23. But fast forward, when I was going to take my last year of college to graduate to do something, I had no idea what I was going to do. Because again, even though I was going to college for it, I didn't think I had the ability to do so. It was do my final year or go on a show that was just recently bought by MTV, no longer VH1. And it was recasted as like a real world show.

And they're like, do you want to do that? Again, without knowing anything. Yeah. It was just, you're going to show up in New Jersey and you'll either be on it or you won't.

At 25. And looking back, like 25, I couldn't even wipe my own ass. I don't know how we like send troops off at 18. Cause like, like even like raising children, 18 ain't shit. I try to tell everybody that like 21, 22, you're still babies. Babies. And everybody, people get mad at me for saying that. They're like, they're old enough. They're adults. They're, they need to be held accountable. And I'm like, cause I'll have like, you know, youngins on the pot, youngins.

You know, 21, 22 year olds on the podcast. And I'm like, you're just a baby. And people in the comments will be like, they're not babies. And I'm like, this is a baby. Like I, you don't know what you're doing at 21. You're not doing what you're doing at 21 at 41. That's for sure. A hundred percent. Yeah. And I see it all the time. And looking back, I'm like, you were a child and it was a blessing. And I, it was the best experience of my life and it still is. But like,

I still think until you're 30, you're a child. Yeah, absolutely. You have to go through some hard shit to be like an adult in my eyes before the age of 25 years old. Yeah, for sure. Is there anything you regret about going on Jersey Shore? When I think of summer smells, I think of sunscreen, salty beach air, barbecue on the grill, and...

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I wouldn't say regret, but I would say I wish I was more prepared. But I don't believe any of us, production, MTV, Viacom, the cast, any of us were prepared for what that show was going to be. And I will say this. I do regret going in so closed off.

So a lot of my roommates had brothers and sisters. I'm an only child. They lived with people in college. They've had more experiences. I went in never living with another person besides my dad. Never having the shock value of having roommates.

and sharing a bathroom. The different personalities. Different personalities. So it was so like when people are like, oh, you were quiet or you're this or that. I was just shut off. Yeah. Like it was a culture shock to me. You take me as a type of person who reads energy too. Like you may not even realize that you're doing it, but you're assessing the situation before you jump into it. Yes. And that's just like, oh, she's, you know...

the best parts were like, oh, she's high or she's, she's not like, I get that all the time. Now she's on Xanax and episodes or she's. I wish. Same. I wish I could take Xanax. I had like a natural downer personality as it is. Like if I did any of those things during the day, I would be drooling in a corner somewhere. I can't. I could lick, I could smell a Xanax and I'll pass out. Yeah.

It's just me being me. Like if I'm not assessing the situation, I'm completely like zoned out. I'm literally thinking about like what I have to do in three days with my daughter at cheerleading or like I am just completely desensitized and disassociated. Disassociated. That's a good word. But because of all the trauma that you went through as such a young girl, you probably do disassociate. Oh.

And I did that on the red carpets too. So getting back to how awkward. Because it's so overwhelming. Yes. So I have stage fright. So when all those photographers or all those people are like yelling and like saying everything, I completely disassociate. Yeah. Or I'll disassociate on the show when I know something's going to happen that I'm like,

preparing for and I'm just like you know here it comes but like my facial expressions give I guess I give Xanax or frozen Botox which I need right now by the way very badly your skin is beautiful by the way I've been checking it out this whole time you don't have one flaw on your skin it's amazing thanks

No surgery, like everyone says, but I do do injections. I think it's because you have beautiful cheekbones. Because I have cheekbones too. Anybody that has fucking cheekbones, we get accused of having facial surgery. Yeah. And I get it. I understand because people have the buccal fat removal and like the cheek implants, but sometimes people just have natural cheeks. Yeah. You know? And mine are more prominent when I'm thinner. Mm-hmm.

And my weight fluctuates like day turns into night because I'm either like an emotional eater or I just like during COVID, I probably gained like 25 pounds. I think we all gained weight. Yeah. But so everyone after that's like, oh my God, she's changed so much. She looks so different. It's just like, no, I checked myself because during COVID, I'm sure it wasn't great for a lot of people, but like there was a lot of drinking and eating. It was very unnecessary in my household and

I did not work out. I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, FaceTiming my girlfriends, and it caught up. So I lost... I finally got my shit together, and I lost the weight, but everyone's like, you know, the surgery, and she's frozen, and she looks...

It's just like, no, I'm just, I'm 38 turning 39. I'm on a reality show. Now I have children. Having children is a different ball game. Being on TV, I don't want to misrepresent my family. I don't ever want my children to look back at me and be like, how dare you? Mm-hmm.

Because it's also a new age. 2009 is not 2024 in the way we live. What we said and did in 2009, you cannot do today. And even just as an older woman, I wouldn't do. And all that is flooding into me every time I film or every time I'm on the red carpet or every time I'm moving. And I just straight up disassociate. And I'm just like, well...

Let's think about something else in my head. Do you think you'll ever stop filming? I hope not. Yeah. I really hope not. I think our fans are growing up with us. Um,

They've grown up with you. And now you guys have a new generation that you guys are raising. Those are funny. Yeah. Those are funny. First off, like I'll go to the awards and I'll have like a 20 year old be like, I watched you. And I'm like, where was your mother? Your mom ain't my mom. Where was your mother? Right. Because you're not supposed to be watching me at eight years old. Oh, no.

But that's what I mean when like you were that big sister or even possibly a mother figure to, you know, these kids that grew up watching you. Yeah, it is beautiful to see. And I always try and think of that. I'll always be myself, but I'll always have that kind of like in the back of my head doing television. Like, what would your daughter think of you in this moment? Yeah. But, but...

old teenage Jenny is always there. This is just my personality and I'm sure with you. Our personality is our personality. Our childhoods are what built us, created us and made us. The little bit of mandated therapy I did in as a child is okay, but

am so pro-advocate therapy but I don't do therapy today. Right. I live with my demons and I like it. I live with my trauma. You become friends with them, yeah. Yeah, I became friends with my demons. I became friends with my trauma. It's segueing into something that I want to try new in this world that I did during COVID because I think I can translate those demons and that trauma into art where

If you can't do that because I think I am just an artist because that was my dream as a child to grow up and, you know, do Disney. Yeah. And become an animator. I want to change my trauma and I want to take my trauma and like just turn it into art in other ways.

Whereas if I had someone come up to me tomorrow, it was like, you know, my son has this or my daughter has this or I'm experienced as trauma. I would 100 percent advocate for therapy. Right. But for me personally, I, you know, I could just rant all the time. My trauma. I don't know. I would love to know your side, too, of how you feel with that.

Yeah. So I think focusing on you really quick, I think that you feel that way about therapy now because you were forced to do it as a child too. Possibly. I was forced to do it as a child. So when I was going through my super rebellious stage, I was like, fuck this. I'm not doing therapy, nothing.

And then 2019, I got my implants taken out and I had a miscarriage and it sent me into a fucking spiral. And I'm telling you, the suicidal ideation was something I had never dealt with before. And when you talk about being like you're becoming like your mom, that was my biggest fear in that moment. I was like, this is it. This is my breaking point. Like this is, you know, I'm never going to be able to pull myself out of it. And, you know,

that's when I got back into therapy because I was like, I have to let this out somehow. I didn't have a creative outlet besides the podcast, you know, but I don't trauma dump on the podcast. I like, I prefer other people to trauma dump.

Um, so I did get back into therapy and I learned to fall in love with it because I learned to look at it as a way of kind of psychoanalyzing myself and figuring out what I needed to do to heal. That doesn't mean that. Oh, that's beautiful. That doesn't mean that that has to be your story. I think turning trauma into art is an amazing, you know, analogy. And I think that that's beautiful also. No, that's beautiful too. Like I,

I'm so sorry, though. May I ask why you got your implants removed? Sure. Only because I recently had to get mine redone. Wow. Okay, yeah. So I was going through... I was having these... I have severe anxiety. And I had just got out of an abusive relationship when Jay and I met in 2016. So I'd never healed from that. And I had to heal...

during the beginning of our relationship with my husband. I was having these panic attacks. I couldn't go to the concerts because it looked like I was on acid. The room would start melting. I couldn't see people's faces. It was really bad.

And I had also recently got sober. I got sober in 2017 off of Xanax and Laura tabs. And then I got so, and a cocaine. And then I got sober off alcohol in 2018. So thank you so much. So I think a whole, it was just a whole smorgasbord of never going my whole life, feeling anything because I was always numbing shit and,

to where when I was just like, I've got to figure out what's going on with my body. And then also my left boob was like swelling so high. And like, it was just like, you couldn't touch it and you could feel like something in here. Like it was crazy. So it was just like a bunch of things. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna get my fucking implants out. Maybe that'll help my mental health as well as get the swelling to go down.

And so I got my, I didn't have BII. I did have symptoms of BII, but I don't breast implant illness. Yeah. But I don't know if I can claim that I had breast implant illness. Cause I know capsular contracture and women battle that. So they went in and they did the surgery. My implant folded in half and scar tissue started growing around it. So that was why my left implant started getting so big. I had no idea a fucking implant could fold in half.

And Frankie can back me on this, my producer. In July, I had the same thing. No way. That's why my jaw dropped. My left boob, I boxed and I tore my muscle and my implant folded and I had a capsular contracture and my implant tried to go through my shoulder. Oh my God. Like through the tear. It tore and I had to have like an emergency removal. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Yeah. I just got goosebumps. Yeah. And, um, didn't think, never knew that was a thing. Had them for 10 years. What the hell? Not an issue. Not one day where they're, it just tore them where it tore the scar tissue developed because it's realizing it's a foreign object. Right. And it's trying to push it out.

And I had to go in an emergency surgery. And I'm only laughing because I was like, oh my God, someone else experienced this. No, that's wild. You're the only other person anybody else I've told that to. They're like, how did it fold in half? I'm like, I have no fucking clue. Do we know how yours folded in half? Like when I tore, my muscle was swollen and it just like kind of like... Curved it over. Yeah. And it just started like manipulate. But my arm went numb. Right.

Like I was like tingly. It felt like I thought I was having a stroke. Yeah. Tingly. My arm, my fingers are going numb. I couldn't lift my arm over my head. Yeah.

And it just looked at like high. Oh, and were you in pain too? So much pain. Oh, and then I got to get him bigger. Yeah. So it technically wasn't bigger. It was longer. Oh God. Cause it was like, it was, it was trying to squeeze out. So my plastic surgeon said I, that was the first time I did shoulder surgery and

He found part of my implant in my shoulder. Oh my gosh. Do you have saline or silicone? Silicone. Oh my gosh. That's scary. I was like dying for pictures and videos. He did not take any. I was so mad because I was like, I want to see. So he had to go in and pull the implant from like inside the pit shoulder. Oh my gosh. You couldn't see it up.

here but like in pictures I'm like oh my like I didn't realize how high it was oh my goodness pain the pain is like out of this world Wow as you know yeah and so are they gone gone they're gone gone these are mine good for you thank you I mean listen I tell everybody if I'm feeling froggy when I'm 60 and want to get these old saggy runny eggs so I get up here I might get some implants when I'm all you know two feet in the grave but right now I'm just you know I I

I think that aesthetic that I had, I was, you know, the super big boobs and just super bleached hair. It's like, I think as you get older, you try to go like more of a natural route. Yes. And I love fake boobs. I, the way they sit, the way they look, love them. But I just, my body just rejected them. Same. And I said to him this last time, I said, if it happens again, because now I have this like pocket thing.

from the muscle tear that if my body rejects. So this is what happens when you have something like this. And I love to share this because people don't realize BII or things that can go wrong or capsular contracture or things of this nature and how plastic surgery. And this is why I'm not, I'm an advocate for plastic surgery, but I'm always like, you have to know.

A to Z when it comes to plastic surgery. So because of this situation and because my body decided to reject my implant later in life, I had to get, thank God, not option A, but I will explain option A. I had to get a human donor mesh to wrap around my implant so my body wouldn't reject it again. Oh my gosh. So this is like my last chance. What is that made out of?

God forbid, I'm assuming an accident where someone donated their, I don't know. What is it? Is it skin? Muscle? I wish I could tell you. It's a mesh. We'll have to Google that. Can one of you guys Google that for me? So the other option, which was A, which really kind of upset me because I don't eat pork. I haven't in over a decade, was pigskin. Oh, okay.

So going into this emergency surgery, I thought I was going to have to have pig skin wrapped around it. And it's just a way so your body doesn't reject the implant. It doesn't look like it as a foreign object. Right. So they... So I'm assuming it might be human skin is the secondary option. But thankfully, he was able to get that instead of pig because I was like, the irony here, of course, I don't eat pig for 10 years. And...

Now I'm going to have it inside of me. Is it a personal choice or religious choice for the pig? Personal. I fell in love with pigs. Oh. And I wanted, I don't know. I love animals more than humans. Yeah, me too. And when I fell in love with pigs, I look at them different now. Yeah. Yeah.

It's fat. Okay. Weird. Yeah, that is weird because you would think fat would disintegrate. Donor fat. That is so, yeah. So it's just so like wherever they cut you open to put the implant, they mesh it. So your body, there's a barrier between your body and the implant for rejection purposes. That is wild. When they pulled, so they, he gave me my implants after he pulled them out.

I'm mad at my doctor. There's shit floating around in them. Yeah. I did a TikTok on it. There's literally like you can hold it up and see, and I had saline. I didn't do silicone, but you can see shit just floating around in the bag. Oh my God. So it penetrated inside the bag. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's in there, but it is gross. I was just like, golly, this is, and if some, and,

Again, it's saline. It's not silicone. So, you know, if something can creep into a saline valve, that's a little scary. That is. Yeah. So, but your way, I reduce mine. But if this happens again, I'm taking them out. Yeah, I love it. I'm going to have some flapjack titties. I don't care. No, the body is so resilient. I thought I was going to have flapjacks. The body is so resilient that your boobs fluff back up. Ooh.

It's wild. They fluff back up. So I have like a little perky and I did a tiny lift with a microsurgeon. So I don't have really bad scarring. As long as you have a microsurgeon do your lift. Yeah. They look really good. I did a lift because I went from a G to a C. And...

I have to be like, I'm so happy because I barely see them and it's only hasn't been long. Yeah. So when I think when I can get like a laser or something or like a scar reduction, I think they'll be gone. Yeah, absolutely. My praying though to the gods that it doesn't happen again. No, it won't. And we won't speak that in your life. But my friend does scar tattooing in Vegas. If you ever want to go to him and he can get rid of any scars that you have. Ooh. Yeah. It's amazing. They do flesh colored. Yeah. Tones.

So tell me about your relationship with Nicole. How did you guys become best friends? And are you guys really best friends in real life? Yes, I will say. I mean, I spoke to her this morning. I can't even say how it happened. And maybe...

She needed an older sister because she's an only child. And I needed a younger sister because I'm an only child. And we just, our personalities are so different that it just worked. She's just so sweet and innocent and pure and tiny. Snooki is sweet and innocent. She really is. She is. Day to day. And I look up to her, even though she's literally a foot shorter than me. Aww.

Because she's just this like, she doesn't like confrontation where I'll take confrontation head on. And that's where her sweetness comes from. Like she doesn't want to fight. She just wants to have a good time. She just wants to party and like, here's the best example. And she'll probably be like, why did you talk about this? But like six months ago at her summer house, she invited me off camera. Mm-hmm.

This girl has ride or die high schooler friends. A dozen of them. I can't say that about me. I have like one or two, but because I moved to New York City and went to college and separated from everyone because I needed to escape my childhood. Yeah. I don't have that.

And she took me into her circle of friends. And her best friend since high school and me started crying over how much we love this girl and how much we love protecting her. So her best friend, Steph, was worried that I was going to take the position. And I always thought I was worried that I was overstepping Steph. But her best friend since like three years old was like, I'm so happy she has you in this life.

to protect her in this industry where I can't. And I was just sobbing and I was like, thank you so much for allowing me into her life. But we just, being completely different people, we just work. And that might just be the reason why we're so close and we talk a hundred times a day.

And we're our kids' godparents. And her firstborn is my godchild, and I love him. I just love her kids unconditionally, and my daughter knows that that's her aunt. And my daughter knows Sissy is her cousin, and they talk every day. But I look up to her in the sense that she is one of the most amazing parents. She took the world by storm by getting pregnant early on to the point where Dr. Drew was like,

Dyfus should be called on you if we find out you're drinking. Like really, like the world was not ready for Snooki to be pregnant. Right. But by doing, but by choosing to have Lorenzo and saying this is going to be my life, Nicole immersed.

And she's fucking incredible. I look up to her for business advice. She owns all these beautiful stores, mother advice. Like she can take on any task and own it.

And she's still sookie. Yeah. She still wants to party and have a good time. I would be fucking exhausted in bed by 2 p.m. Like, she's still like, let's rage and we're going out till 6 a.m. I could never. Yeah. And that's where my personality is like, bring it back. Yeah. I'm going to reel you in. You might be the calm to her chaos. I think so. And I think when we're filming...

We need that. We need each other. Like there is not like I could use you. No, it's really like I need you. Hmm.

And we're so ride or die. I don't care who's wrong, who's right. Like she is like, I'm going to be in a nursing home with her. Yeah. Next to my mother. You guys are each other's emotional support humans. We are. And I'm so thankful for her because I don't think if any other scenario would have came into play or our paths would have crossed in any other light, we would be who we are together. It took being

being on the show together to make us bond in the way that we do. But I, uh, she's my favorite, favorite little person. Just my little, like tiny little nugget. She is. She's my little nugget. She's my little squirrel. I call her. I love that. Last, um, question about Jersey store. And then I want to move on to your kids. How do you feel about Sam being back?

That one was emotional. Yeah. Because, and I hope she agrees, we were super close before Jersey Shore Family Vacation came back. We weren't really that close during the first six seasons of Jersey Shore. But after that, I thought we were really close.

And it hurt so much when she didn't come back. But again, this was me being young, not seeing it through her lens, not seeing it through her eyes with her ex. Because I don't think I would ever go back on a show where my ex was. And I got bitter.

And I got bitter to the point where I was like hating on her because I was like, why do you hate us so much? You won't come back to us. But now her being back is such a blessing. And it's like we haven't skipped a beat. And she's added to like group chat. We speak almost every day. And it's it's the Sam I've always wanted that I was never able to experience on a show because her and I.

And I don't know why because I wouldn't say we had the same personality traits. Her and I could never click the way that I always wanted to click with her in the original Jersey Shore. Right. And we just developed that relationship before family vacation. And then it was like stripped. Mm-hmm.

but now we have the relationship I've always wanted with her. And I'm not, and I'll be honest, I'm not a girl's girl. - Right. - But yeah, you gotta fold me. I think you are more of a girl's girl than you give yourself credit for. - Authentic girls. - Right. - Gotcha. - And it's very hard, especially being on TV, to find someone that authentically wants to be my friend. - Right. - I think it's easier for like maybe guys or I just end up like gravitating towards guys 'cause there's no drama. - Right.

But to be an authentic friend is so hard, especially like a woman trying to find another woman. I agree. That's why I have my tribe and I'm obsessed with that. I agree with you. Finding an authentic girl gang is really hard, but it's like once you find those people, they are literally family. You can't let them go. At all. It's amazing. And I have one, and I say one friend from when I was...

in my single digit years old that I will never let go to like the day I die. Like she is my ride or die. And I found a few along the way, but to say that I have girlfriends on a show that I've been with for 15 years that I could call tomorrow or right now and say, I need your help.

I know these girls would pick up. Yeah. Nicole especially. Yeah. She'd be like, what the fuck you do? But she'd pick up. Why'd you do it? And that's the most special part of the show. But I will also say that might actually be our downfall of the show. Not our relationship. Because there's not enough drama. Because we protect each other more than I think any other show. And the boys too. Yeah. There is something about us that drives our producers nuts. Yeah.

that we will literally side text each other like, is this okay?

Or am I okay? But you guys have learned that through the years because honestly, and you know, this is not me disrespecting Jersey Shore in any way, but you guys have been through some trauma and shit on this show, you know? So now you guys actually have personal boundaries that you guys don't want to cross with each other. And you'll see that with Sam. And there's families involved now. 100%. And you'll see that with Sam with this new season that's airing. Sam is going to meet Ron soon. Mm.

And it's been a decade. And I got chills. And from the girls perspective, we were riding and dying for Sam. As much as we love Ron, I told Sam in the show, and I don't know if it's going to air or not. We don't get to see it ahead of time. I need to be a girl's girl for you.

Because ever since the note, I wasn't. So, and even though I didn't know what was going on in the note and I only took information I heard and I wanted to send it to you and honestly, it's whatever. It's because again, a 25 year old child, um,

And you don't know how to handle things. But in the note, you were warning her about him, weren't you? Yes. So I think that was kind of a girl's girl move. It was. It was being diplomatic because what I was warning her about, a lot of people don't realize, Nicole and I never witnessed. Right. So we were just being told that information. Gotcha. And we can move on from it. And it's like, you know, it's buried. But like...

We were kind of like being like, well, if it's not true, nobody's hurt. If it is true, then the information is known. Right. But this season that's airing, I am like, I need to be your girl. I need to have your back and whatever you don't feel comfortable with, like I'm going to have your back. Yeah. And I can't wait for the viewers to see how it plays out. Good. Because even though I don't know, I was there. And I...

I don't ever want her to leave and I don't ever want her to feel like she's not in a safe place. So that is where I say I do love girls and I am a girl's girl, but it's to very few. I think you get to a space in life though where we aren't who we were in our 20s. And as you get older, you realize that you want that feminine energy around you. Like even if you hung out with nothing but dudes your whole life, there comes a point in your life where you just want the softness. Yeah.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. And it's beautiful if it's the right...

Group that you have it can it's a bit and you want to ride or die for them. Yeah, absolutely Well, I think they're lucky to have you on their side. So let's move on to the babies I read somewhere that you actually around the time of your grandma's passing that you had a miscarriage yourself Yeah, I actually think it was Within like 48 hours. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I flew to LA that for my book that

I didn't even expect, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just thought I was in the heightened spot of my life. And having a kid, I was just like, it was all such, I was shocked. But I went to my doctor and I realized there was no more heartbeat. And then I had to live with that trauma. So you knew you were pregnant? Yes. Okay, so you knew you were pregnant. Early on, before like the 12-week mark. Gotcha. So it wasn't like a surprise miscarriage. It was, I mean, it was a surprise, but you...

Knew you were pregnant. I knew, but I knew something was wrong. I don't know if when it happened with you, it just, you, I just didn't feel something was wrong. Oh yeah. And then, um, us as women, we just know our bodies. Yeah. And I had to like pick myself off the floor. It was like, it was such a awful, I'll never forget the feeling. I don't remember the moment. I remember the feeling of just being like, I have to go to a book signing and I had to pick myself off the floor and

And then I get, I had like three book sightings or something in like L.A. County. And I was at my third one. And I get the call and it was like 10 or 11 p.m. our time, which is like 2 a.m. East Coast. And it was my dad. And I just knew. I didn't even have to like answer. I just knew. And when I tell you from what happened last,

With the baby, which seemed so insignificant to my grandmother, it was just game over for me. Like, I was just a show, true show of a human being. That was rough. And we had to go film, like, a month later, Italy. Which was, you know, and when you film, at that time, no cell phone, no internet, no TV, no anything, pens, papers, nothing. You're just...

you're just in it. And I think Italy, because I couldn't like escape or numb myself, I had to like deal with those demons. And I was just, I was probably a hundred, I'm 140 pounds walking. Like this is my weight. I was probably 120 pounds in Italy. I didn't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I was at that point. I was like, you know, can I take drugs to Italy?

to end my life. Like the suicidal thoughts come into place because like pain sucks. Pain is terrible. Grieving is, yeah, grief is just like debilitating. And then I have cameras in your face and they didn't even know.

They knew, but they didn't know the extent. They didn't know about my mom. They didn't know that, you know, my grandmother is someone that raised me. Like they didn't, they didn't know. So it's like production couldn't even step in to help because I was, I was just a shell. Like I wanted the hate. Like I wanted to feel like the piece of shit that I was. Like I didn't want to feel better or to grieve or to,

go get therapy, which I really should have at that time. It was, I don't even think it was an option for me. Like to me, there was no options besides like you are like,

Just that, you know, just this is how you're supposed to feel. And I wanted to numb it all. It was pretty trying. I don't know how you even... Us as women are so resilient when it comes to our emotions because to film while you're having suicidal ideation is... I couldn't even imagine. I know I was in a dark room and I remember Jay came in and he just held me one time because I drove myself to the hospital because I... And I had called my mom on the way there and I was like, I...

I'm having these thoughts of where I just don't want to be here anymore. And it's scaring me. So I'm taking myself to the hospital and she like, calm me down. I couldn't imagine having to go and film in another country at that too, while going through that. Yeah. And so that,

The miscarriage, I didn't even have to speak on that because my grandmother died. So I was just like, you know, and I actually spoke about this on Jersey Shore family vacation when we came back because Mike was just recently sober and clean. And I was experienced. I was explaining to him my experience with drugs because I've dabbled. I've always been like the partier and stuff. But at that point, right before Italy, I tried speedballing. Oh, shit. To roll the dice.

So it wasn't like an intentional, but I was like, we're going to roll the dice. When you say speedball, what was it? Um, it was, I'm pretty sure it was, uh, Xanax and cocaine. Okay. Gotcha. Like a, a, a rower and an upper at this, like the same time. Yeah. Is that considered, is that considered? I think speedballs are heroin and meth. So that's why I wanted to

I wanted to clarify that. I could be wrong though. 2012 version or 11 version. No, it was a downer and an upper. Gotcha. It was my first script of Xanax because they were giving it to me to get through the...

And it was like, it was just a bandaid, right? I love the way Xanax makes me feel. You just forget everything. It was, and it was only one script. And then I'm a natural downer. So when I took it, I was like falling asleep. But I partied early 20s. So then I was like, well, I drank on it and it's drink. And so I was like, well, I want cocaine now.

to keep me up. And then I was just like, well, I don't care about my life. So let me add alcohol. And then I would be like too high. So then I would be like, let me go back down. And it was short lived and,

It was a couple weeks of my life, but I literally in those few weeks before filming and thank goodness that I was able to go filming because it probably saved my life because you can't access those things in Italy. Right. And then I dropped all that weight so quickly because I was just trying to numb myself to the point where I was like, I'm okay if I don't wake up tomorrow. Like I'm okay. And...

I think Italy on one aspect, as bad as it was, it probably did save me because the thing with Italy is we rolled right into New Jersey without going home. So this was like 70 days of being away from friends and family. It was like,

30 something in Italy, 30 something in Jersey. We touched down at JFK. We went right into a hotel. We took our Italy clothes and went right into New Jersey. Jeez, that is grueling. It is. And it's not like what we would normally do, but we wanted to keep this momentum going. And it was, you know, it was production, but that honestly probably saved my life because it forced me to

Not to deal with everything, but at least force me to not get worse. Right. I wasn't able to access anything. I wasn't able to be...

be my own demise. I was, you know, even though we were partying and drinking and hanging out and doing things like there were no drugs on the table. And you had the group around you too. So that probably helped in the healing process. And it's weird. Indirectly. Yeah. Filming, it takes you out of your reality, even though it is reality. It's, it's not right. So you feel like this level of busyness and you're like, well, I'll do this. I'll do that. Where I grieved when season five was over.

But I grieved in like a healthier way because time passed. And I was really able to digest her death and like what happened in February and like how everything transpired. That's amazing though. And actually it was yesterday, right?

Anniversary. Yeah. Oh my goodness. It just came up on the memories because it was a week before my birthday. Wow. Yeah. Oh my goodness. That's wild. Isn't it crazy how life comes like full circle? Yeah. It's wild. Let's talk about a happier subject. Okay. Let's talk about your little feisty spitfire, your daughter. Yes. My one and only. Sun exposure ages your skin and increases risk of skin cancer. You already knew this.

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Sign up today. My one and only, my princess. I always say I can have a thousand Graysons and it's just because there's something about just to me having my one princess that I just want to put my all into. And she truly is a spitfire. She's a mini version of me, but she will also call me out of my shit. She's not damaged like I was growing up. So she has a beautiful perspective in life.

watching the Barbie movie really put in perspective for me because as I'm crying over the trauma that the Barbie movie shows you, she's laughing at all like the funny mannerisms and like quirky things and I'm just like,

That right there put in perspective that I'm raising her right where she doesn't understand anything. She doesn't understand America Ferrera's like speech and what's it like to be a woman yet and like the demise of like, you know, how, how beautiful it is to be a woman but also how it can be your demise. Like, there's like, there's a ceiling when it comes to women sometimes. Society builds you up to tear you down. Yeah. Yeah. And, but,

But she, like, so for Grayson, a thousand Graysons, I can deal. But like for me, like she's my, she's my princess. She is my, she's just everything to me. You had said something in that interview, the one that I had referenced earlier in the Vile Files podcast. You had said that, you know, you,

And I thought this was, it almost made me cry. Like I literally, I was making dinner listening to it and I started like tearing up. But you said, I realized there was, I had to love her differently. I don't know how, if I'm saying, wording it correctly, but you said, I learned that I had to love her differently. Like you couldn't fight fire with fire with your daughter. And you said that you would go in there and when she's having one of her, you know, fits, you'll hug her or even afterwards you guys take space and then you come back in and you hug her and you won't let go until she, she lets go. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, that just like the mother wound in me. Yeah. The mother trauma wound. I was like, oh, that is so deep. I did that last night, actually. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. She, you know, and I always say like nature versus nurture, right? Because she didn't have the childhood I have. She has two great parents and she has a great stepfather. And like she has the world at her fingertips. Like she is not poor with a single parent by no means. She has everything. Right.

And she has my personality, that fire, that anger that I'm not going to back down. And I'm like, is this a genetic thing? Like, is this nature? Or is it like, I always thought it was how I was raised. But to me, she's me as a child. But like, I was raised by my dad. And I always say that, like, grandpa raised me. You have no right. You have a mom. Like, as a joke, but like,

She will come at me 10 times harder than I will come at her. And I knew the day that she swore at four and I had to do the dawn and she spit it out. She's like, try harder next time at four or five because I just moved into the new house.

And it's been five years. I knew that I had a different breed of child on my hands. And it was magnificent to see. I was like, well, can you just at least listen to me? Because I'm like, you're going to take the world by storm. You're never going to back down. But I knew disciplining...

was not going to be the discipline that I grew up with. Right. And even though I don't believe in spanking or corporal punishment or all these type of tactics, that's what I grew up to. And that's what I knew as discipline. Same. So discipline in my house, I wouldn't even say it's discipline. I just think it's, um, it's just like changing lanes. Yeah. It's,

You can have your feelings, but there needs to be a level of respect. And if you're feeling angry, there are words that we can't say during that anger. And if you need to swear, you go to the bathroom and you swear. Or if you need to like get it out, there needs to be other ways because...

I'm sure with you, that corporal punishment didn't work for you either. Didn't work for me. It made me more rebellious. Exactly. Yeah. So I knew going into parenting and I didn't know that I would have two such extreme children that I had to learn and grow with them. And that was really, this has been one of the most challenging parts of parenting. And they don't make a book on this. They don't teach you, you know, they teach you A, B, and C. They don't teach you the nitty gritty of like,

This child, my son, if I'm going to spank you, oh, I'm out. I'm done. He's good. I never spank him. But if I say, Grayson, do you really want me to spank you? Oh, mom, I'm straightening up. If I said that to my daughter, she'd be like, bring it on. Yeah. She will snap her neck and be like, try it. She'd be like, wait till I'm your size. Oh, she is. She is. But to me, it's glorious. Because I also know...

that she does not go around speaking like that in public. Right. I know that I'm her safe place. Right. Where she feels confident that she can speak her truth to me. Right. She is like, I can tell you everything and more because I feel safe around you. Yeah. Because I'll see her out and she'll mind her P's and Q's. She'll be perfect. She'll be genuine. She'll be pure. And then the moment we get in the car, she'll be like, oh my God. And she'll just go on a rant. And I'm like, oh, you held that in? Like, you're good. Right.

But like she, so she can already, she knows the difference already and she also knows like I am, I'm the one she will go the hardest with because she knows I'm the one she can count on the most and she can do that with. And I, and she, she,

I mother her the way that I wished I was mothered growing up. So I'm like, I want you to feel safe. I never felt safe growing up in that way. And I love my dad and I cherish him and I will take care of him, Terry, to the end of days. We love you, Terry. Yeah, but like...

It was just a different time and my dad couldn't afford emotions. Yeah. He just couldn't. He could afford to put a roof over our head. He could afford the ramen noodles on the weekdays and he could afford the Tweety Bird clothing. But outside of that, like...

Or the bi-yearly Disney trips that were like off campus. But he couldn't afford emotions. Emotions were just not allowed because he was raising a girl. So I allow all the emotions in my house. I allow all the conversations, all the yelling, all the screaming. I allow everything she needs to

So she can then be like, all right, where's my hug? And then she kisses my forehead and she's like, good night. Thank you. So I allow her to go to bed with peace of mind. There's no anger. Yeah. And I always have the conversations and I'm learning a lot of this on TikTok. And this is why I love TikTok. TikTok is phenomenal. It is. I'm not a TikToker, but I watch. Yeah. It's a wealth of information. It is.

I mean, from cooking to mental health to how to fucking raise a baby parent. Yes. It's everything. It's beautiful. It's such a beautiful platform. And I'm so thankful to be on it as a fan of everyone. But there'll be like,

And I'm sure you see a lot of boomer parents don't have conversations or don't speak to their children anymore. They're millennial children and millennial children are healing from their parents and trying to put their all into theirs. And that's very much mine. Only my dad's my best friend, but yeah,

There's something to be said about TikTok where you hear these perspectives and I'm learning through TikTok like these conversational pieces. So I'll talk to Milani, which I learned on a TikTok trend. Like, you know, if there's no more food or if I don't have to pay for your food or your house or your clothing anymore, would you still want to hang out with me? Would I still be your cool mom? And she goes, of course, I'll hang out with you every day.

And she'd be like, why do you ask this dumb question? I'm like, well, I saw this TikTok where there's this survey going around. If you'll hang out with your parents when you no longer need them for like food or shelter. And she'll look and then I'll turn to her and I'll be like, so what can I do better as a parent? She's almost 10. She's able to grasp it. She'd be like, well, we need to fight less. And she'll say, she'll be like, it breaks my heart when we fight.

And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I never mean for it to get to that level. She's like, but I know I need to work on myself too because I give you the hardest time. And I'm like, oh,

I was like, can you promise me something? She has the same self-awareness that you did as a child. She does. That's why I'm like, is it like a genetic thing? Is it just like, did I pass something on to you? Her soul picked you. Yeah. And she'll be like, and I'll tell her like, we need to keep this open dialogue and conversation going because I never want you to think at any point in our lives, 10, 20, 30 years from now that you can't come to me open and honest. So if you need to check mom, you can.

You can check your mother. And I know if there's an older demo that watches you will disagree with that on such level. And that's the problem. I think so too. I feel like that generation stifled a lot of their children's voices. Yes. Or I let Bailey come on the podcast this week. It's, it's dropping and I'm getting a lot of hate for letting a 16 year old talk about her trauma. But I,

That's what my platform is about. So when my own child comes to me and says, mom, I want to tell my story so that I can help other kids my age,

what am I supposed to do? Tell her no. No, you have to wait until you're 18 to speak about things that have happened to you. It's wild that, you know, that demographic could even disagree. So look at their own glass houses and worry about their own problems. Do as I say. You're not allowed to have a voice. But it's like, what kind of parenting is that? It's not. When your child can't have a voice and then

It's a one-sided conversation because you're self-proclaiming. You're perfect as a parent. Yeah. And what you're doing is righteous and perfect. And at the end of the day, every person is imperfect. Yeah, absolutely. So if I am parenting you wrong and you need something else, and I learned that when I said that on the vile files, I learned in that moment that

uh, disciplining her in that way won't work. Right. I need, and I needed to educate myself on how do I break down her walls and make her feel safe and loved while disciplining her. That's what a mom's supposed to do. Yeah. Figure out how she can get through to you, figure out how you'll create that bond that keep that bond and create that open, safe,

communication and, you know, just even a healing environment for her. Yeah. That's a definition of a mom to me. To me too. And unfortunately I'm learning that. I didn't have that. So I'm learning that. But you're doing a great job. And as I can see, so are you. I appreciate it. You don't have to compliment me. You're allowed. I mean, you're not getting enough credit to you. You have your bonus child and

you're learning the same way I am and you're giving your teenage daughter a platform that is allowing her to speak because she has trauma like she lost her mother like these are terrible things to go through as a child and you're allowing her to heal and learning and I can't even say that for parents that I know that birth these children that that and I know people in my life that I'm like you need to

Educate yourself on parenting a little bit more. And I'm not saying that I'm great by any means, but like, I think I know my children well enough and that's all it is. Just get to know your children well enough to see what works and

Even better, become the parent that you needed. And that's what you've done. And that's what I'm trying to do with Bailey. Bailey's story is so similar to mine as a child. It's crazy. And I know that God placed her in my life to heal. And that's what I'm going to do. And I choose to do with that lesson that he's, that lesson and blessing that he sent me. Nice.

Yeah. I love it. I loved hearing that story about it's Milani. Yes. Yeah. About Milani. So take me on the journey with you and your son. Are we good on time? Cause I just want to make sure. Are we okay? I don't know what time it is. It's two 30. Yeah. Okay, cool. It's just this. And then I want to talk about your engagement. So, um, so take me on the journey with your son because you are super outspoken about, um, you know, being a mom of an autistic son. Yes. And take me on that journey. That, um,

The whole thing? I mean, just whatever you want. So, you know, take me to the diagnosis. Oh, sure. Like, you know, you had your son and then did you, was there signs? Did you know that he was autistic early on or did it take a while for you to be like, hey, something's not adding up here? Even though they're not parallel, when raising newborns and toddlers, um,

You go to a pediatrician and you're supposed to hit certain milestones. And my daughter was always great hitting her milestones. And Grayson, after about a year, started really slowing down. And in the state of New Jersey, they're able to get you something called early intervention, which has no diagnosis attached. It's just like, hey, your pediatrician said he's not hitting his milestones. We can work with him.

And at that point, I would say that I was pretty in denial. But I mean, he wasn't responding to his name. This is 15 months. Any cues? Do you want your baba? Do you want an apple? Do you want lunch? Nothing. And at that point, even though he was an early bench him again, they don't diagnose, but they will help with getting him up to the milestone that's needed. So the pediatrician can check a box. Right. I really thought he was deaf. Yeah.

And maybe that was just like the hope in me because I was hitting a point where I was like, he's not responding to his name. I actually have it. And if you want to dig it up, you can. There's an old YouTube video that I posted on it. And I'm like screaming his name. He's running away. Like he's in his diaper in our yard running away. And there's no acknowledgement. And he's throwing tantrums and everything.

throwing himself on the ground. And, you know, there was just no acknowledgement. So we got an ENT appointment.

which is ear, nose, and throat. And we got his hearing tested. Again, at birth, fine hearing. So I was like, maybe something happened. I'm hearing a lot of kids in our area. We're having like friends of ours were like, they needed tubes in their ears. And like, I was like, maybe he's just got clogged hearing and he, it's muffled and then he gets tubes. And that's great. Cause he did have like four or five back-to-back ear infections. So all that was aligning. Um,

But again, I really look back and I think I was in denial. We go to ENT. They're like, no, he has perfect hearing. And that was the day that it was, it was, it sucks. His father went back to work. I sat in my like little BMW with him and just started crying. Like, cause I knew that he,

Whatever battle we were about to go through, that it wasn't going to be an easy one. So he, again, is still going through early intervention and the state of New Jersey allows it up until two years old.

So he missed his 18 month, I think 18 to 24 month pediatrician appointment. I purposely pushed it because I knew he was going to fail. So I was like, let's go get like four more months early in a pension, speech, OT, whatever the case may be. Actually, he didn't even he didn't even like was able to apply to speech because he didn't speak.

So he wasn't even like allowed to do speech because there was no speech. Right. So it was like OT and it was just their version of ABA, which is behavioral therapy. And we go to like his 18 to 24 month appointment, I think in like 28 months. I can't recall.

It was months delayed. I delayed it as much as I could just to give him a chance to nail his milestones. He failed so miserably. I laugh now because he is my...

He is my most perfect child I could ever ask for. He is the light in my eyes. He's the easier one out of the two, by the way. All this. I heard boys are sweet. It's the girls that you have to worry about. Sweet as pie. He could do no wrong in my eyes. My daughter is just... They're so different. They're just everything to me in two different ways. So...

We go to this appointment and he fails miserably. And I knew it. I knew it. There are things that are like early signs where you flap and you twinkle toes, which is like when you run on your tippy toes. No speech, no eye contact. Like when you name it, he didn't pass it.

And that was the day that they wrote me a script to go to like a children's specialized hospital and to find a diagnosis. And at that point, without diagnosing him, our pediatrician was like, you're most likely looking at autism, but that doesn't mean that's not a death sentence. Right. And also by getting a diagnosis, your insurance can help him. So I'm thinking, okay, fine.

We go to Children's Specialized, and I'll be honest, I could tell they did not want to diagnose my son. As a celebrity, they're like, we can't get this wrong. So I know that what normally probably takes two or three appointments was...

And they brought in specialists. Like they were like, we're bringing a, instead of like just an ABA therapist, we're bringing a doctor, like five different doctors from speech, OT, this Russian woman that I thank every day for meeting me. She had this heavy accent and I'll never forget. Those Russians get shit done. She did. She had no emotion too. And when I, I'll tell you what she said to me, it was, it stuck with me. And I,

I got to find her. I have to look at his diagnosing papers and like really reach out to her and say, thank you because you saved my son. So all five end up diagnosing Grayson. And after the tears are wiped and after all of this, you go to a window with a script. And at Children's Specialized Hospital, they tell you, you're going to come here and you're going to get like two hours of OT and two hours of speech and like four hours of ABA. And I remember the Russian lady going, no.

You're going to get 40 hours of ABA every week for years. And that's going to change our son's life. Not four hours, not six hours a week, 40. Wow. And I'm thinking, how the hell am I going to pull that off as a working mom? We just ended Jersey Shore. I ended Snooki JWoww, but we were doing Moms with Attitude. I was pushing really hard on social media to be a stay-at-home working mom.

I was doing everything under the sun to be like a brand ambassador. This is pre-TikTok because I needed to make money for my children. And I was like, that alone is 40, 50 hours a week. Yeah. How am I supposed to stay in a hospital with him for eight hours a day, five days a week? Because that's what she said. She goes, I don't care. This is what's going to fix your son.

So I take the script and I go to like the little like almost checkout and I'm like, I need to sign my sign up for sign up for like two hours of, you know, speech this week and two hours of OT. And they're like, all right, great. I get a call like three hours later and they're like, your insurance doesn't take congenital diseases. And apparently insurance is such a scam. They stated that autism is something you're born with.

Like Down syndrome. And that's congenital. It's something you're born with. I actually learned that on vile files because I was like, I actually don't, I don't even know what congenital means. Yeah. And that's what my ex-husband's insurance stated autism is by definition. I don't know if autism is something you're born with. Right. I don't think it's a proven theory. It's not like Down syndrome where you can see a marker is

missing or is it added or missing? I don't want to misspeak. Missing. I believe missing added. It's added right. 43. Don't quote. Don't. I'm the wrong person to ask. Yeah. I think it's like 43 instead of 42 or something like that. Oh yeah. And, um, I was like, wow, this is, this fucking sucks. Yeah. Um, so then I was like, well, fuck it. I am doing all these brand ambassadors. I, um,

Brand and there's a reason for this. So I do all this brand ambassador. I'm on Facebook. I'm on Instagram I'm on YouTube I make YouTube videos every other week and I said well then I guess I need my own insurance and I need to hire my friends who are helping me on these videos as my employees full-time and I'm gonna make an LLC and

And I'm going to work my way around it. And I'm going to apply for the insurance that's needed for my son to get the help that he needs to get 40 hours of ABA every week. Go, mama, go. So I asked my friends, would you consider working for me full time?

And this is when content creation was huge. We'll make YouTubes. We'll do everything we're doing now and we'll just gas it. We'll just blow it up. And I don't care if I monetize. I need to get my son's insurance. And my friends were like, yeah, fuck it. We're independent contractors and they'll need insurance too. So I created an LLC. I applied for private insurance. I was able to have the two-employee minimum.

And I spent $2,500 a month on this private insurance for me and Grayson. And he got 40 hours of in-house ABA every week and OT and speech. And when I doubled down, ABA is what saved him. He is a fucking incredible little human that is above not only the state,

but our township curve. So with education in math and literacy, he is top of his class. He is, don't get me wrong. He's a little shit starter, but like he is, I mean, he's your child. Yeah. He went from not speaking, not, he went into first grade. He's in second, first grade without reading, without even comprehending what a word is on paper. Wow. To he is like a G or H reading level. Aww.

He knows how to read books front to back. He's like reading Harry Potter with me. He talks too. I saw a couple videos. Incredibly. Yeah. He's in jujitsu with my fiance twice a week. He wants to wrestle the same way my fiance does. He, when I tell you, he will tell me how it is. He is...

Like not only talks, it's he won't stop talking. I'm like, I know I wish this for a few years, but can you not? Maybe take it down just a notch. And he argues so fluidly. I'm like, as much as I want to be like, can you like not? I'm like proud. I'm like so proud. I'm like, you can argue with me.

Three years ago, I would have, I would never have guessed that we would be here. And I don't think a lot of people give the accolades that they need because, you know, I've had people in my life and in his life, unfortunately, that'll be like, well, you don't know if he would have just ended up like this. It's always the doubters, right? It's always, you don't know if like,

What you did was even the reason like he could have just been slower than the norm. And I'm like, next time somebody says that, be like, but I didn't wait around to find out. Exactly. I did what a mom is supposed to do. And I advocated for my children. And that's what the fuck any mom should do. And I'm so proud of you for doing that. No, thank you. And, you know, he was put into my life.

for this. He was, he was put into my life to understand sensory needs and sensory issues. And I'm on the board of culture city now with some of the most amazing people advocating for children and adults like my son or down syndrome and PTSD and war veterans and everyone alike. So they're able to go to venues or fly or go to places. They never thought they would be able to, um,

And it's all because of him. And I thank him every day. I'm like, your story is being told through the universe, even right now. And it's so beautiful because your story is going to help so many people and we're going to break those barriers.

So everyone like yourself or everyone with PTSD and Down syndrome and, you know, war veterans that can't hear certain noises can live a beautiful life. And I always say, and it's all because of you. And you open my eyes to want to help people just like you. You have a, what is it? I don't want to say it the right way. Philanthropic?

um, aura with, uh, you're just so sweet and like giving back just makes you so happy watching you talk about advocating for your son and being on the board and all that stuff. Just, I, it really like fills your cup. Like it's, it's beautiful to watch because you can tell you really believe in this and just wholeheartedly like it's your mission in life. Yes. I love that. I have two passion projects in my life. That's one. That's my ride or die. That's the one that like,

I'm waiting for Grayson to take over my legacy in that so he can speak for himself through his eyes. Yeah. And I'll be honest, he doesn't know he has autism. We don't speak about it. Yeah, we don't need to. Why put it? Why put a label on it? There's no need for it. If I say culture city or if I say autism, he's like, what's that? And I'm like, nothing, honey. No, just something that mommy's talking about because Grayson's Grayson.

And I advocate for him, but he doesn't have to know that it's because of a diagnosis he had. He just remembers who Grayson is today. He doesn't know who Grayson is or was at two or three. Right.

And there'll be a day, and that's the reason why I saved those videos for him to see when he's way older, probably your daughter's age, and he can digest that. And I'm going to let him take that and whatever he wants to do. If he wants to be an advocate, amazing. If he wants to close that chapter in his life, because I don't believe...

in a couple years he'll need assistance anymore yeah he has wonderful teachers in his school system that help him but I I truly believe he'll be with the general population and mainstreamed by middle school and so it might just be and

And that was the goal. That was what that Russian lady told me. She's like, you need to do this now. So by the time he's in middle school, you won't need me. But look at you for, you know, kudos to you for listening to her. Because somebody could have looked at her and been like 40 hours a week. Like that's crazy. But you thought it was crazy, but you still did it. Now look at the results that you've gotten with your son. Incredible.

You're an incredible woman. That's like, that just warms my heart here and all of that. You're such a fighter for, you know, good causes and, you know, for your children and just after all the shit you've been through to become the woman that you have is really admirable. Thank you. It's still scary. My other passion project, the one that is...

stemming off of my trauma where I'm trying to like use it. That one intimidates me. Which is, is it the horror movies? Yes. Let's talk about it. And my fiance was like, you have to talk about it. I was like, I really don't want to. He's like, well, I'm going to call your manager and tell you that you have to.

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Was like, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I said, I have no idea. And I'm damn near pushing 40. But when I decided that I wanted to take... Now you know the full story of my background where Vile Files didn't. I live with that trauma. Mm-hmm.

But my dream was to make psychological thrillers. Not necessarily horror, which I love horror, but psychological thrillers through the eyes of schizophrenic people. And that's something that I have not spoken about. This is you turning your trauma into art. Yeah. So the first movie I made during COVID is through a...

psychiatrist's eyes going through her master's degree or in a doctorate's degree and doing an experiment on people to see if they could she could break wow she could break them wow yeah that's heavy that is and my second one that I'm about to go pitch that I'm finalized I just finished writing is through the eyes of a woman that possibly has schizophrenia so to her though it's real

but to the others, is it? So it's, and I want to play on that. So I, it's not like the slasher films. It's not like the, you know, the horror movies of, you know, today and things. It is through the eyes of mental illness. But I think there's something so beautiful to it because to me, when I speak to my mom,

And I'm sure when you spoke to yours, it's matter of fact. Your mother had five or six siblings. That's what she believes. What my mom says to me, it's what she believes. And it took me 30-something years to...

Get over that anger and being like, that's not real. Like, that's not real. The thing about schizophrenia is you and if you have a loved one in that and with that mental illness, you have to just accept the fact that what they see and hear is just true to them. And when you can get over that, I feel like you can have a beautiful relationship and

Or you can just roll with the punches and you can, you can like, you can accept their way of life. It doesn't have to be the relationship you expected it to be. But it can be a relationship. Right. And so I'm taking my trauma as my childhood and there's a day that I dream to,

To make one about my mother in itself. But I have to actually do this well. Yeah, I think you will. I have to get there. I feel like when you dial into things, you really... Yeah. I want to tell my mother's story through her eyes one day. Yeah. That would be my avatar. I swear. I love that. But...

So all the movies that I want to make, and they're little indie films, and they're just my passion projects because I feel like that's my therapy. You have been making them, correct? Yes, I finished one. You've been writing, directing, producing? Yes. Because nobody can take my baby from me. Right. So if I'm going to do psychological thrillers, I need to do it my way. So I wrote, directed, and produced the first one.

The second one I'm going to do, I wrote it. I'm going to direct it. I will hire a production company because it's actually a real budget. It's not my own money. The first one was my own money.

And I'm going to try and pitch it to Paramount or Shudder, whoever will have me. Yeah. You're manifesting right now. I hope. You are. But yeah, there's something. I want to give my mom a legacy.

And it's kind of a messed up legacy, horror thrillers. But I want to give people with that type of mental illness a legacy and to say, and to kind of break the barriers the same way I do with my son, even if it's in a weird way.

because it can be healing and it can be a conversational piece. If you see a movie two ways, if you see a movie that you can see it through the eyes of a schizophrenic and the eyes of a logical person that that's not a schizophrenic in that movie and you can sit together and have almost an argument or a conversation and be like, well, I agree with

this person, or I agree with that one. It opens the dialogue of the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is how they view the world and how we should be softer to how they view the world.

And that is, um, that's my goal. I love that. Yeah. I think that's awesome. And I think that you're doing a really good job with the trauma that you were given. And I understand now why therapy isn't a thing for you because you're an artist at heart. So creating is what makes you happy. Yeah. I think that's amazing. I can't wait to see it. I want to see it. You got to send it to me. Send me the first one. I want to see it. My baby one.

that I made of COVID is like, you know, balling on a dollar budget. Yeah. It's nothing to be... It's my proud moment to say that I'm going to do this. Yeah. This is what I'm going to do. What was your first attempt? You wanted to see if you could follow through with it. To see if I'm capable. But the one that I want to make for my mom, and I haven't even written it yet, but that one, I want to, you know...

I want to make in her, in her eyes. And I want to tell her story of how in 2017, when my, when the hospital called me saying that she was wandering the streets for three days and was lost and confused and didn't know who she was and hadn't had a drink or water. And this was right before I was leaving for Vegas for the new Jersey shore family vacation. And I have to shout out one of my producers, um,

This is the story I want to tell. My mom was lost wandering the streets, confused, not knowing who she was. And the thing about schizophrenics is they still have free will, ironically. That's wild. And she was... Our world is in a mental health crisis. Wild. As far as help-wise. So...

She lived in the state of New York and I could not get her in the state of New Jersey to save my life because she had free will and she never wanted to move away from what she known. But this was obviously a detrimental situation I was in. So I told my mom, do you want to come swimming at my house? She goes, yeah, for sure. I want to spend the summer and come swimming at your house. That was my way of getting her to New Jersey to save her. Because the hospital was like, well, she's going to be released.

I had my fiance's sister pick her up at the hospital, pick her cat up that was stuck in her apartment and drive her to New Jersey where I had nowhere to put her. Nowhere.

I didn't know what to do. And my producer, Ashley was like, I have an assisted living home friend. Like my best friend runs one. And she had my mom in there within a week, her diabetes stabilized her, um, her blood sugar, everything. And, and a, um,

a psychiatrist and medicated. She was off her meds. She was off everything. And I had to go to Jersey Shore the next day. Oh my gosh. But if it wasn't for Ashley, I would have never made the show. I would have never have been able to help give my mom the care that she needs. And I would never have gotten her out of New York because that's where she was choosing to live. And, and,

I had no right. Yeah. So the opener of the movie is going to be through her eyes walking those three days and night when we had a heat wave in the state of New York where like all the air conditioners broke. I don't know if you saw it on the news. It's just like, yeah, damn near eight years ago.

And that's how I envision the opener of it being. I love that. And I think that's going to be captivating. Yes. Because a lot of people deal with mental health issues. Some might not be as extreme as schizophrenia, but mental health is rampant. Yes. And everybody deals with either if it's a form of depression, a form of anxiety, anxiety

uh, BPD is, is people are speaking up more now about having it. So I really think that these are going to be healing for children of people who have schizophrenia and as well as children of parents who have mental illness and people who have mental illness themselves. Yeah. Yeah. That's my goal. I love it. I think it's amazing. It's my therapy. I really, I love it. I think it's a beautiful thing. Thank you. The last thing I want to talk to you about is, um,

your relationship. Ah, how's that going? It's good. You know, it's so I'm scared to talk about it because it is so good. And I also ruin great things. Yes. Try to people, you know, we came off Rocky on the show originally, but that's not who he is. And that's not who I am. And reality TV is, you know, the devil that I play with. Right. And it's my career. But like,

He is my light every... Oh, sorry. I felt it falling and I was like... I didn't realize it was on there. Now I understand why there's a weight right there. I was like, were you working out right before? It wouldn't be too far off though. I do do weird shit. I'll eat like a piece of pizza, like especially when we're traveling. I always tell them I'm...

There we go. When we're traveling, I tell them, I'm like, I always gain three pounds when I hang out with you guys. So I'll eat like a piece of pizza and then I'll start like lifting weights afterwards. I'm sorry. Once you hit 40, that shit does not come off as easy as it did. You hit 40? I'm 44. I'm sorry. What? I love you. Yeah, I'm 44. The internet says I'm, how old does it say I am? One.

Yeah, I always say I'm an eternal vampire on the internet. So I've had to be very... It's crazy because I used to get so much hate where people were like...

you're too young to talk about things you talk about. And I can't believe Jelly married so young. And then how old is he? Just turned 39. I really thought you were younger than me. Oh, I love you. But no, sorry guys. Sorry about that. My microphone fell over, but, um, okay, so let's fire, let's go, let's get back on track and let's talk about your, um, relationship. Yes. So how's that going? And can you tell me a little bit about like, do you guys have plans for a wedding or what's going on with that? Um,

I don't know if I'm going to take... So I've been married before. And by getting married, I don't think it defines a great relationship. Right. To me anyways. I agree. Been there, done that. It just doesn't define a great relationship. So what I have with Zach is so precious. I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure it just stays exactly what it is. He is like my knight in shining armor. And I protect our relationship.

You guys, I am so sorry, Jenny. Goodness. I'm like sitting here trying to hold it. I'm like, yeah, that's great. Here, let me just hold the mic. This is amazing. Okay. All right. All right. We good? I'm not touching it. All right. Not touching it. All right. So let's get back to the relationship. So...

Marriage does not define a piece of paper and marriage does not define a great relationship. Yes. And for me, it doesn't. I know Zach would love to get married and I feel that we will. My birthday is actually our fifth anniversary. My first date in 2019 was my birthday with him. But being so, I guess, just...

just going through the heartache of a divorce and being so traumatized through a divorce, I don't ever want to put that on him, but I also don't want to put that negativity on him. Right. I want to do something different. Yeah. I want like the Curtis and Goldie Hawn relationship. I always say that. I always say Kurt, Kurt Russell and Kurt Russell. Yeah. Like they are beautiful. Like they, and yeah,

So for us, it's just, it's great. And for him to take on the kids that he, and the role and the capacity that he has, like if I'm not home, he brings my daughter to cheer. He brings my son to jujitsu. They have that together. He teaches him.

When therapy was at our house, like he shows up, he gets Grayson in the shower, he puts him to bed, they read together, they have their mantras together every night. Like he is their stepfather and he loves them as much as I do. He's just such a pivotal and such a beautiful role in our house that I actually... I took...

that as a, and I took a step back in social media and putting him everywhere because I want to protect what we have at all costs. And, um, the world might not see it because of what we have on the reality TV show. So to me, I'm like, he is my everything and I'm going to protect that. Yeah, you have to. And I'll fight you. Yeah.

He's a pro wrestler, right? Yes. Yeah. He works for AEW. Yes. That's the same as Soraya, right? Soraya was just- I just saw Soraya. I love her. Is she not a doll, baby? She is incredible. She's a sweet, just warm human. Just love her. She just came on the podcast. I saw. And I was like, my two worlds are colliding right now.

She is literally, when I come back in another life, I want to be Soraya. Because inside, I'm an emo goth girl. I just don't have the aesthetic. So she embodies everything I love. She's aesthetically just perfect for that. She's a doll baby. But yeah, so being with a wrestler, are you a wrestling fan?

So actually I'm not, but I'm learning. Yeah. And I think Zach's dream is to go to the WWE, which is just incredible in itself. We know all these wrestlers that are there and it's, it's not easy on the body. Soraya, she broke her neck or back twice, twice. And we didn't think that she was going to come back. So I was there the day she came back and like,

I'm such a fan of the hard work wrestlers put in and the accolades they don't get because everyone's like, oh, it's fake. It's this. It's like the injuries are not fake. No. She says it perfect. She says it's fixed, not fake. Love that. It's fixed, not fake. I love that. And the hard work and the traveling and the missing out on so many life experiences

you know, home life things because, you know, they put their all into the career. So, but my dream is for him to live his dream because he's wanted it. When I first got together with Zach, Grayson was two. And his mother, who's my kid's Mimi, Mimi goes to me and she goes,

Zach wanted to be a wrestler since he was Grayson's age. And Grayson's just sitting there in his diaper and stuff. And to me, that was so precious because I don't know what that's like. I don't know what it's like to have a dream that you've wanted your whole life.

Right. Like I'm molding myself into the dreams that I want now based on my past. And I don't even know if it's going to work out. Right. I don't know if these movies are going to work out. I am. They will work out. Yes. But I'm a pig in shit being on reality for the last 15 years. Like I fell into this. You know, at the time that I was in college, I wanted to be an animator. But then I went to animation school. I was like, oh, that ain't for me either. Like I'm so thankful to mold myself.

My dad's a used car salesman or he was growing up. So I'm like, I'm a daughter of a used car salesman. I can mold myself into that fresh new car smell and figure it out. But for someone that I meet and that I'm with and I wake up every morning to,

He's wanted this dream since he was two. And I admire that so much because I don't know what that's like. Yeah. And I'll never know. And the work that he puts into every morning, 530 in the morning, gets up, works out regimented. He wants to be done with his workouts before the kids and I wake up so he can dedicate that hour to helping me get ready with the kids and

and get them to the school bus. But the way he's so regimented and the way he carries himself and he lives a drug-free life,

lives an alcohol-free life except for the weekends and he doesn't allow himself even if I'm like Monday like do you want to drink because I haven't had a drink he's like no it's Monday like I admire that because he has goals and I've kind of like fallen into my goals and I've learned through like my traumas like where I want my goals to end up or through my kids where I want my goals to end up and

This has been his life story. Yeah. And that's beautiful. That is beautiful. So I'm like, I want his dream probably more than him to be that WWE wrestler standing on stage and performing only because like I've never seen someone like want something so badly. I know the first...

The first thing that helps a man succeed in life and accomplish his dreams is having a woman behind him who believes in him. Yes. Because when I got with Jay, we had a wing and a prayer. And I know your backstory. I know you don't like the flowers and the accolades, but girl. Yeah. You two, not only are you meant together, like to be together, but your backstory is so beautiful.

beautiful. I appreciate it. It really is. I appreciate you. He's my little cherub angel. I tell everybody he's just, he is everything that I wish I could be. My husband is just a sweetheart and just so diplomatic. I'm like, son of a bitch.

bitch, what is it like to be that nice? You know, like how do you do it? But no, I think it's a good yin and yang that we have. And I feel like that you, that's how it is with you and your significant other also. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Jenny, I have taken over two hours of time and I can, I feel like I could sit here and talk with you for another four hours. Like I just love your vibe. I love the way you present yourself. I love everything you stand for.

Please keep kicking ass. You too. Dude, I appreciate you. Thank you for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me. This has been incredible. And why don't you tell people where they can find you if they're not following you, which I'm sure they all are. But if they're not following you, what are your socials? I believe across the board it's at JWoww. J-W-O-W-W. On everything. Yeah. I'm everywhere. But I do nothing on any of them. Because I'm just watching all of you. Oh.

I love that. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you. And thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of dumb blonde. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.