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Hey, come see us do a live stand-up show. We'll be in Bend, Oregon, Portland, Seattle, Philadelphia, Avenal, New Jersey, Boston, Palm Springs, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Berlin, and London. We're adding a second show in London. The first show sold out. See you there. Hey, this is Jimmy. Who's this?
Jimmy, this is none other than me, the U.S. President of the United States, Joseph R. Biden, and I are running for re-election. Yes, we are all very excited. How's that going, by the way? How's what going? Your re-election campaign, dip-dip shit. Oh, yeah. Well, we've hit some snags, to be honest with you. My team has recently informed me that we have some problems. Oh, really? You don't say?
Yeah, this came as a surprise to me, too. Apparently, there are segments of the voting population who we are not connecting with. You know, more often than not, these are simply problems of messaging. Right. Yeah. Messaging. Messaging. Yeah. So we have to double down on our messaging. I can. I see. Can you give me an example of your poor messaging?
Sure. I mean, there are several, but just to pick one random one out of a hat. It's come to my attention that some people view what's going on in Gaza as a genocide. And that the United States is complicit. And they blame me. You don't say.
Yeah, can you believe that? Jimmy, I just really can't believe it. You can't believe it.
Meaning you cannot. It's unbelievable. Any right-thinking person should be able to see that all we are doing is standing by our trusted ally. Our alliance with Israel is of the utmost importance. We derive so much good from this alliance. I may not agree with Nikki Haley on much, but when she said that we get more out of our relationship with Israel than Israel gets from us, she hit the nail on the head. Really?
Right, right, okay. So yes, we stand with Israel now and forever in defiance of the rest of the entire planet. And Jimmy, when the United States acts against the wishes of the rest of the world, we know we're doing something right. That's an interesting take.
But apparently there are people who don't feel this way. And by that I mean Muslims and Arabs. Yeah, I bet. And I don't mean Muslims and Arabs overseas because whatever, who cares? But I mean ones who live right here in the USA. That's shocking.
Also, did you know that some Muslims aren't Arabs and some Arabs aren't Muslims? I had no idea until my team told me. The cultural complexity, richness and diversity of our enemies is simultaneously astounding and beautiful. That's right, Mr. President. The most populous Muslim nation happens to be Indonesia.
Okay, see, you're blowing my mind over here. The point is, a whole heck of a lot of these peoples or whatever live in the state of Michigan, Detroit area. Peoples. I have no idea why.
They don't strike me as a Motown-loving gang, if you know what I mean. Maybe they just like industries that are a shadow of what they once were. Who knows? But that's where they are. Muslims and Arabs live all over the country, Mr. President.
Yeah, but it's the ones in Michigan that are the problem. Because Michigan is a swing state. And my team tells me that they are so mad about this Gaza thing that they're talking about not voting at all. See, I thought they were anti-Trump enough that we could count on them no matter what. But turns out there are a bunch of quizlings. Yeah.
It's crazy. It's almost like the Democratic Party can't automatically count on people's vote. And you have to keep learning that lesson over and over. Yeah, I know. It's like, what the hell happened? Who would have thought the Democratic Party couldn't count on Michigan? Anyway, we've got to plug this hole and quick. Are you going to reverse course on your Israel policy?
No, come on, man. Don't be a fucking idiot. Get real. No, we're going to do something even better. What? We're sending members of the Biden administration to have a shit down with Muslim and Arab leaders. Jesus. All of their sultans and emirs and imams or whatever. High ranking officials.
No, no, just some people who no one's ever heard of. If they're too high ranking, APEC will get cheesed off and then we'll have real problems. What are they coming to the table with? What do they have to offer? Empty platitudes, vague promises. Anything less than taking steps to end the ethnic cleansing being undertaken by Israel. Do you think that's going to work?
Who knows? Diplomacy with foreign powers is always a crapshoot. These are American citizens, sir, not foreign powers. You know what I mean.
laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing
Also, I may leave campaigning in Michigan to surrogates until this blows over. All in all, this seems like a solid plan. Yeah, all in all. I'm not really worried about it. I'm pretty sure things are going to go fine. Can't really foresee any major problems now that this Band-Aid has been deployed.
I'm in a pretty good mood. Yep. Biden-Harris 2024. Onward and up. 23 skidoo. Gonna have myself a phosphate and take nap number three. All right, all right, Gladys, I have to go. Okay, all right, thank you, Mr. President. Wow.
It's the Jimmy Tore Show.
Moscow confirms Putin's interview with Tucker Carlson. Look at that. Kremlin said the interview was granted because Carlson was different from other exceptionally one-sided Western media. What did those authors say there? Richard Luscombe, Chris Michael, Andrew Roth, and agencies. There's a lot of people writing that for The Guardian. So people were calling him a traitor for doing this, for interviewing a major head of state, a world leader. That's called propaganda.
That piece of shit who interviewed bin Laden. I hope they got him. Yeah. So if you believe that, that Tucker Carlson is a traitor for interviewing the head of Russia, let me disabuse you of that stupid idea and let you know you've been propagandized by corporate media because corporate media has always interviewed Putin. It wasn't a traitor when this guy did it. That was Bill Clinton's press secretary. That's George Snuffleupagus. He interviewed him.
All right. There's Barbara Wawa. When she interviewed him, that wasn't... I don't know who that is, but she's looking good. There's Oliver Stone. When he did it, it was journalism. When Matt... No, it was treason when he did it, too. Yeah, it was. But when Matt... Who's his name? Matt Lauer. Matt Lauer did it. It was journalism. When Larry King did it... I love Larry King. When Larry King did it, it was journalism. When Megyn Kelly did it, it was journalism. When...
When Chris Wallace, the bad Wallace, did it, it was journalism. But when Tucker Carlson does it, it's treason. Yeah, well, he's the wrong guy to do it. That's the rationale. He's not the right person to do it. He's going to interview Vladimir Putin the way all these people interviewed Zelensky. How dare Tucker Carlson do what a shitload of other American so-called reporters have done previously? How dare he take such treasonous action?
That's unbelievable. Watch out, Tucker. Soon you might be in line for the vice presidency. That's what I think. So here... Wait a minute. You ever see the video of all the celebrities at Putin's birthday while he sings Blueberry Hill? Yes. Yes. Those traitors. So just like Russiagate was a complete psyop, and who was it instituted by? It was instituted by the Clinton campaign and the FBI. The Clinton campaign, which...
Which actually funded the P dossier. Remember that dossier? The Steele dossier? It was all fake and made up, and it was funded by Hillary Clinton and her campaign. Oh, the P party you mean. I kept thinking it was like labeled, filed under P. I didn't realize that he went to a P party. And then the FBI also...
lied to the FISA court 17 times by my count so they could get phone taps on Donald Trump and his administration. Remember he said, Obama's tapping my phones? Well, that was true. And the FBI had to lie to the FISA court to get those phone taps. And even with all those phone taps, they couldn't get a crime to indict him on. Isn't that amazing? So here is Newsweek exclusive. Tucker Carlson could face sanctions.
Over the Putin interview. That's like fancy canceled, Jimmy. Wow. What are they going to do to him? Are they going to cut off the trucks bringing relief food to his house like they did in Gaza? Well, this is the EU is talking about putting a travel ban on him.
Good luck seeing the World Cup this year. So basically he could not go to the EU. I'm sure he's already been to the Coliseum. So why do you think that they're upset that he's doing an interview? A news person, the former number one news guy in all of corporate media for years, is doing an interview, which everyone always interviews. Why do you think they're upset? They're upset because some truth might come out. Again, you don't get in trouble in news media for telling lies.
a lie. You get promoted. Rachel Maddow lied about Russiagate. She lied about vaccines. She's lied about everything, the insurrection. She's lied about everything and she got rewarded with a $35 million contract, which is $100,000 a day. She gets paid by the military industrial complex
Wall Street and Big Pharma to lie to you. And that's why she Tucker Carlson started telling you the truth. He told you the truth about Syria. Then he told you the truth about Ukraine. He told you the truth about Russiagate. Then he told you the truth about Big Pharma and COVID. And that was the final straw. They fired him. Right. Again, Julian Assange is in prison, not because he printed lies, but because he printed the truth. This is exactly what they're afraid of. They're not afraid of lies. They're not afraid of lies.
They're afraid that he's going to find out some truth from Putin. That's what this is about. And what so what did they do here? Tucker Carlson Network Fanica just in Ukrainian President Zelensky has put Tucker Carlson on Ukraine's list of enemies and has put a hit out on his life.
Why? All because he's interviewing Vladimir Putin. Zelensky also has been offered an interview by Tucker. Ukraine shouldn't receive another dime from us. And I agree, by the way. So here's here's the the website where they put you on and it's all written in the Ukraine language, whatever language that is. I'm too dumb to know. Really? It's anyway, I don't think it's Russian because that would be ironic.
I'm pretty sure they do have the same alphabet. It's the Cyrillic alphabet. Is that the one that Mate's on and the guy from Pink Floyd? Roger Waters is on that hit list. Guess who else is on that hit list? J to the D is on that hit list. You've been sanctioned. I've been sanctioned. Can we do the show from a remote location from where you are, Jimmy? So here's Roger Waters. He's on that.
Here's Elon. Elon Musk. They put him on that. So I guess I'm in good company. He donated internet to them. So American journalists interview someone after they just killed Gonzalo Laira, another American journalist. They put me and other Americans on a kill list.
And we're still funding them. The United States is not outraged over this. Imagine if Putin was doing that. Imagine if an American journalist went to interview Zelensky and then Putin put him on a kill list. Imagine the outrage that would be from the U.S. government, the State Department, and corporate media of all stripes.
They would go crazy. But when they do it, when Ukraine does it, nobody even mentions it. I'll mention it here. Thank God, Jimmy. They're so corrupt. Most of the money that goes to this is siphoned off before they can make good on the kill list. So here is...
This is my favorite press secretary. It's nice when you can see she's a black gay immigrant and a female, right? She checks four boxes and it's so much nicer to be lied to by a black gay immigrant.
immigrant and a female than it is a white male. I like being lied to by someone. She also looks like that little mushroom guy from Super Mario, so there's an appeal to the millennials too. So here she is. She's being asked. This is, by the way, Ashvin Rasanti. This is his Twitter account. You know Ashvin, right?
Jimmy, you're a big fan of Noam Chomsky. And Noam Chomsky reportedly said that you'll be in the boot. So anyway, that's my... You've never seen Ashford? No. Oh, come on. Well, you know, he did this show on RT. That's why he's banned in the United States. So he says, White House refuses to deny allegations that the Biden administration attempted to prevent journalist Tucker Carlson from interviewing Vladimir Putin. So...
and he says, so as to stop U.S. citizens understanding why their billions of tax dollars were going to Zelensky of Ukraine. So they don't want to hear Putin tell you, hey, we had a peace deal in March of 2022. It was the NATO and Boris Johnson and the United States that ripped up that. We had two peace agreements called what? The Minsk Accords that were supposed to stop this war. Who didn't
bide by it was ukraine and nato so they don't want to hear putin say that to an american journalist they don't want the truth to come out about ukraine john stewart will never tell you the truth about ukraine ever ever ever believe me never ever will john stewart tell you what's actually happening in ukraine but he will pin a medal on a nazi at disney world from ukraine and then never talk about it even though joe even though joe rogan has brought it up at least three times on his show
Wait, you haven't seen the new Jon Stewart Daily Show? Yeah. Oh, he's back, baby. Have you seen it? Has it started already? Is he on already? Yeah, the clips come over my feet. I thought it was like an old one. I thought it was from like 2012 because all he's talking about is, how come we can't get this gun legislation through? Oh, he's talking. What it is?
that's what he's talking about so let's listen to uh again john stewart is not it's not your friend he's an establishment motherfucker who is never going to tell you the truth about things that are important to you like why are we spending 200 billion dollars in ukraine he's not going to tell you that that's a fleecing of america he will never tell you what really happened
in covid he's never going to tell you the truth about vaccines he's never going to tell you the truth about anything that is important to you but he will catch a uh a politician contradicting himself on video a real backbencher that you never heard of until he caught him on this thing that's right would never be able to ask a question to real top people so let's go to the official press liar and here's what she has to say um
- Tucker Carlson is in Moscow and just confirmed that he's going to be interviewing Russian President Vladimir Putin. He argues that Americans have a right to know all they can about a war they're implicated in. Carlson contended in his preview video that the Biden administration has opposed and even attempted to injure his attempts to interview Putin. Do you have-- - Wait, say that last part again? - The Biden administration has allegedly attempted to prevent him from interviewing Vladimir Putin.
Did you have a comment? So I think she looks down so much, not because she's looking for her notes. It's because she can't even look into the camera anymore and say this bullshit. But her question, so he's asking her, did the White House try to prevent Tucker Carlson from interviewing Vladimir Putin? And let's see, let's hear what she says. Absolutely not.
She said absolutely not. And then now the guy's going to clarify. Absolutely not. You guys didn't try to. So let's listen. Absolutely not a comment to be more clear, period. So I think what she's saying is absolutely I'm not commenting. Isn't that what she just said? Is that what you heard? Let me play it again. Let's play it again.
Okay.
He asked her, do you have a comment on that allegation or do you have a comment on the interview? And she said, absolutely not.
that she doesn't have a comment on the allegation or on the interview. So that's what she was saying absolutely not to, and Ashvin was right. So let me throw a job at you. What do you think? Well, this story is absolutely infuriating, and you have all the liberal class running around. I literally saw someone call Tucker Carlson a fifth column.
What is a fifth column? It's a term they used to use in the Cold War for a secret Soviet aligned movement. Oh, you're kidding. I thought it was like a fifth wheel. No, I saw somebody say, hey, look at this one man fifth column. I said, look at this one man revival of Joseph McCarthy. It is amazing to me that you get all of these people who think of themselves as liberal and
And a foundational origin story of the liberal class.
was always Joseph McCarthy. That's right. And the dangers of McCarthyism. These are the same people who lined up to see good night and good luck because they interpreted it as a repudiation of the Bush administration. Yes. And now they are exactly those people. Who do you resemble more? The Joseph McCarthy, Richard Nixon people. Nixon was the arch nemesis.
for these people. It's particularly the MSNBC adult boomers
Who at one time, oh my God, Nixon. Nixon would look at you guys and go, you're fucking, you're John Birch. You're off the charts right wing. Would you say it's like, it's as if Carl Reiner forgot to explain that to Rob Reiner? That's an excellent example. These people are so fucking.
fucking dangerous. They are dangerous. And so the people who are supposed to be standing up and calling this out, people like Cornel West, they're not. And Chris Hedges wrote... Dimensions of fascism, Jimmy. And Chris Hedges...
And I don't want to pick on Cornel West, but he was a hero of mine until I interviewed him. Maybe we should pick on you. Don't interview your heroes, Jimmy. And so now the people who are supposed to be standing up and pointing this out who called on the liberal left,
aren't doing it. And Chris Hedges wrote a column recently about how the medical associations in America and in Western Europe are failing to stand up for the people in Gaza and just for bombing hospitals and things like that. And he has a great paragraph that you could apply to this right here. He said that those people
People are not going to say anything. Most people I know, this is what I say, most people I know aren't going to say anything about them calling Tucker Carlson a traitor for doing journalism. And they won't speak out against this type of Banana Republic nonsense because there's a cost involved. And at that cost, they are unwilling to pay. Chris Hedges says they fear being attacked.
They fear destroying their careers. They fear losing funding. They fear a loss of status. They fear persecution. They fear social isolation. This fear makes them complicit, just like the people who are afraid to speak up during Russiagate, just like the people who are afraid to speak up during COVID and the lockdowns and the mandates. And now they're afraid to speak up.
When they're criminalizing their political opposition, whether it be January 6th protesters, whether it be Donald Trump or stop cop city protesters, or whether it be this is the same. Why aren't they doing it? Because they're afraid. And the people who didn't speak up during covid, their fear makes them complicit. The people who didn't speak up, speak up during Russiagate, their fear makes them complicit. Guess who did? Guess who? Guess who broke through that fear?
People at the gray zone, they told the truth about it. Guess who broke the... Jagoff comedians, they told the truth about Russiagate, Syria,
We told the truth about Seth Rich. We told the truth about the rigging of the primaries. We told the truth about COVID and lockdowns and mandates. And now we're telling the truth about the billionaire class and the liberals. What are they doing? They're criminalizing their political opponents. And that's what this is. Now they get Ukraine to put Tucker Carlson on a kill list. And now Europe's trying to sanction him from travel.
And people in America at the tippy top of liberal culture are calling him a traitor for doing journalism. That's why they they want Julian Assange dead. They're the exact opposite of what they claim to be. They're not liberals. They're authoritarian fascists. That's what really is. But they want you to be afraid of your fascist next door.
Don't be afraid of the fascist. The fascist is coming from the government. It's coming from the tippy top of your corporate media, and it's coming from the tippy top of your political organizations. Those are the fascists. Those are the people who are lying to you. Those are the people who are discrediting truth tellers, and they don't even want people interviewing world leaders. That's how bad they are.
Because they can't lose. If you lose the narrative, they lose control of the narrative. Then they have to start disappearing people. And that's a lot harder. They're trying to disappear Julian Assange right now. And now Ukraine's trying to disappear Tucker Carlson. They tried to do it to Russell Brand. And believe me, they've tried to do it here. But what do you have to say to this, Russ?
Um, it's just absolutely disgraceful because at one time it was understood that that's a scoop. Yeah. Like if you got the opportunity to interview somebody who was a quote unquote enemy of the United States, that would be a scoop. That would be a coup. People understood that's your job as a journalist. If you ever see the original Superman.
They have a scene where Lois Lane is interviewing Fidel Castro. And this is a popular movie, right? And obviously Lois Lane is a positive character. So what are they saying? She's a great journalist. In this all-American kind of movie, they convey that she's a great journalist by showing she was able to get an interview with Castro. Now you would never see that scene in a movie. Right. Because now she's a traitor.
What do you have to say about this, Kurt? I hate millennials because they've been training them. This is the generation where all that bullshit cancel, all that shit came from. And they've been trained right on. Just absolute midwit kind of blogger personality types that move their way up in the ranks of the media. And then did these little hostage situations inside the media. And to quote the great Thomas Friedman, ADL.
ate it from the inside out like exotic hornet larva and uh a bunch of them now it was funny a bunch of them now are like oh i now renounce cancel culture and something a bunch of them have gotten because it's it's really now well because it came for them now any yeah anybody who's saying this oh tucker shouldn't interview putin like
There's no way there's enough people that stupid to not know that's fucked up. They're just going, oh, but Biden still has to win. Think of the fact that James O'Keefe thing where he has the guy going, they know Biden's a disaster, but what would it look like if they replaced Kamala? She's a woman of color. So, I mean...
that's such amazing boxing in like they're all just terrified and they know better. It's like the thing you just read. They all know better and you're complicit because of that. But it's all coming apart. I mean, I mean, this is a big part of why Joe Biden is losing badly everywhere and every poll all around the country. I think he's down by five in
in Michigan by average because now I can even see it because when I see people who are this fundamentally stupid that they're getting behind this yeah talk or traitor they're really old and really white the
The people I see talking like that, it's a very small number of people. Their coalition is crumbling. All they have left are the most privileged, out-of-touch members of the liberal class who can still buy this shit. Well, and Al Sharpton. Well, he's the mummy of Al Sharpton they have. Exactly, exactly. They put his head on the wall.
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There's a lot of talk about...
friend of show, uh, Donald J. Trump, uh, speaking of his political enemies as vermin. Well, he's nicer than what I say about them. Yeah, me too. Trump calls political enemies, vermin echoing dictators, Hitler and Mussolini. Yeah.
On Veterans Day, the former president vowed to root out his liberal opponents, drawing backlash from historians who say his rhetoric is reminiscent of authoritarians. Now, if you're like me.
You would not watch CNN or MSNBC for any length of time without being strapped to the chair clockwork orange style with clamps on your eyelids and a guy standing there with eyedroppers.
Yeah. But you couldn't get away from the way they really played this up. Him calling these people vermin. He was just like Hitler. He's just like Mussolini. So I'm really curious about the consequences that Thomas Friedman is going to pay for this article. Understanding the Middle East through the animal kingdom. I bet...
Rachel Maddow is dialing up her outrage right now about this article. Maybe it's just Chinese astrology. Did you think of that? Well, let's take a look. Are you a lemur or a dragon? Let's see. My guess is that the next week or so is likely to be the most important in the Gaza war since Hamas launched it on October 7th.
The U.S. will probably retaliate against pro-Iranian forces and Iranian agents in the Middle East that Washington believes are responsible for the attack on a U.S. base in Jordan that killed three soldiers on January 28th.
At the same time, we could get a Gaza ceasefire deal with an exchange of Israeli hostages held by Hamas for Palestinian prisoners in Israeli jails. And Secretary of State Antony Blinken is going to try to bring to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel an option. Normalization with Saudi Arabia in return for a commitment to engage with the Palestinian Authority on a long-term plan for a Palestinian state.
Yeah, he's going to go for that. He's going to get right on board with that. How all of these are going to interact, I do not know. I do, but I believe him that he doesn't know. I mean, look, there's a reason that I think some of Matt Taibbi's best work has been attacking Thomas Friedman. He hasn't done it in a while, but I think he's going to have to with this article. I'm sure dozens of people have sent it to him. I'm going to send this to him.
and put in my vote. Like he really needs to say something about Thomas Friedman. Is this like Jon Stewart come back the Daily Show? Like,
Like things are coming to a head so we can call Thomas Friedman. No, Friedman didn't go anywhere. He's been writing the whole time. He's been writing the whole time. He's just, you know, every now and then he hits a level of stupid that gets people's attention. Yeah. It's generally difficult to distinguish a Thomas Friedman op-ed with like an AI, you know, Chad GPT generated piece of writing because most of what he writes is just like what this is so far.
just unbelievably hacky and uninspired. Right. But every once in a while, every once in a while, he'll make you, you know, what? It's basically anybody who watches a lot of TV.
Could write most of his stuff. Liz Cheney says that Trump is a threat to democracy. Other people say, yeah, that's like, yeah, most of it is just the hackiest crap. Yeah. You've ever read in your life. Personally, I sometimes here's where he takes a turn, though.
Personally, I sometimes prefer to think about the complex relations between these parties with analogies from the natural world. Here we go, folks. The U.S. is like an old lion. Go on. We are still the king of the Middle East jungle. What? More powerful. It's like a seventh grader writes this. I mean, it's just it's so dumb. It's not even a good animal thing. Yeah.
No, it gets better. More powerful than any single actor, but we have so many scars from so many fights that we just...
can't just show up war loudly and expect that everyone will do what we want or scamper away he's thinking of the lion king not even i i yeah i i'm i'm uh waiting for like simba hakuna matata chorus here we are one tired lion and that's why other predators are no longer afraid to test us uh
I ran as to geopolitics. What a recently discovered species of parasitoid wasp is to go on. What does this parasitoid wasp do?
According to Science Daily, the wasp, quote, injects its eggs into live caterpillars, and the baby wasp larvae slowly eat the caterpillar from the inside out, bursting out once they have eaten their fill. Is there an Iranian inside me? Well, as John McCain once said, there's an Iranian in all of us struggling to get out. Well, I thought I found something this morning having my morning stool.
Well, that's why it burned. Is there a better description of Lebanon, Yemen, Syria, and Iraq today? Maybe. They are the caterpillars. The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps is the wasp. Yeah, we got that, Tom. We got it. The Houthis Hezbollah, Hamas, and Qatayib Hezbollah are the eggs that hatch inside the host, like
And eat it from the inside out. Like, this is so bad. It's even on its own terms. Why would BB fund those eggs?
We have no counter strategy that safely and efficiently kills the wasp without setting fire to the whole jungle. Oh, my God. I mean, this is really, this is probably, he should stop writing here because this is his masterpiece. This is the apotheosis of everything Thomas Frank has been working towards his entire career. This piece.
Hamas is this is what the this is what the in a game of chicken you have to throw the steering wheel out the window was only hinting at like like that like that piece was the mean streets. This is the good fellas. Hamas is like the trap doors.
This is like, seriously. If a 13-year-old wrote this, their teacher would say, that's clever. You know, they would give you a pat on the head. I see what you were going for there, right? They would think it's kind of awkward and ridiculous, but they would be like, oh, look, this kid
That's very imaginative, Billy. Right. Very imaginative. The United States is like a lion because we're big and strong and we have scars. And Iran is like a wasp because of this. I mean, it's just so lousy on top of everything else. Even on its own terms, it's not good. Okay, wait. Colonel Hans Landa in the film Inglourious Bastards says,
did a relatively same thing but a lot shorter and sweeter about if the German was an eagle and he's just doing that with a terrarium of spiders. Basically. No, no, it gets crazier. Hamas is like the trapdoor spider. The way trapdoor spiders operate according to a nature site
Is that he just got a Googled insects, I think, and just pick them. Yeah. Hey, nature site. This is the kind of guy who corners you at a cocktail party and you cannot get out of the conversation to save your life. Like you're waiting for him to stop talking. He just never does. It leaps out, sees his prey and holds it back and then tries to exchange it for a spider hostages. Yeah. Is that the spider leaps out at great speed?
seizes its prey and holds it back into the burrow to be devoured all in a fraction of a second trapdoor spiders are adept at camouflaging the doors of their underground so they are hard to see until they're open no no this is he saved the coup de grace for last any like editorial like
autonomy over this guy? Like, do they have the ability to say, hey, listen, we can't run this? I guess not. No, I mean, this is unbelievable. Okay, but look, man, as sad and horrific as it is, you know, all the people in that fucking temple where we disrupted Rachel Maddow thought this was genius. Oh, man.
Did you read that Thomas Friedman article where he compares the Hamas to the spider? That was great. That was great. Pretty cynical bastard. But I think even for them, this must have been a what the fuck kind of thing. I mean, I have a lower estimation of that crowd. This is actually less. This is actually more embarrassing than the fake Hamas rape story they had to retract.
Because you know what? Neck and neck. They kept it to just a real simple, easy to digest bullshit thing. Well, that's true. And didn't introduce every exotic...
of the animal kingdom to try to make this point. This wouldn't even be runner up in like the New York Times Journalists of Tomorrow competition where they like solicit submissions from you know 12 year olds. I don't even think he'd be a finalist in that category if they did that. Because you know he wrote it himself. Yeah.
Not like some Harvard presidents I know. Okay, so he saved the best for last, arguably.
Finally, Netanyahu is like the Safaka laborer, which I got to observe in Madagascar. The Safaka laborer? Safakas are primates that use bipedal signs. Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Sometimes they farm the spiders. This is a case where the jokes really do right themselves. Safakas are primates that use bipedal socks. If you're going to do this, at least come up with animals people know what the fuck they are. Stop it.
It's crazy. It's like he just randomly Googled shit. By the way, it's a monkey. A lemur's a monkey. He could have said that. Yeah. But he's trying to soft pedal. He's called him a monkey. They use by. Drop that line on Netanyahu next time. The way, you know, my friend Thomas Peebles said you were like this. It's a fuck a lemur. Yeah.
My granddaughter that I ignore, she has those index cards of the different animals around the world. That's one of them. Yeah, you're letting me do a spider.
Safakas are primates. They use bipedal sideways hopping as a primary means of watching. They advance by moving sideways, waving their arms up and down, which makes them appear to be moving even more than they are. That's BB. Always shifting side to side to stay in power and avoiding going decisively backward or forward.
This week he may have to. Sometimes I contemplate the Middle East by watching CNN. Other times I prefer Animal Planet.
And he thinks that lands like he thinks he stuck the landing there. Oh, my God. He really does speak for the powers that be, though. That is how they think of the Middle East as like, oh, it's animals and you do whatever. Well, but they were so they were so upset about Trump saying vermin. This guy's getting into fucking spiders and sideways. The sideways monkeys of the fucking.
Easily one of the, this is from Arnaud Bertrand, easily one of the more unhinged Thomas Freedom, NYT column. I don't think he's ever topped that. That's what I'm saying. That is his Zeppelin form. You know how it's impossible to understand the Middle East through the lens of humanity? You gotta do it in animal kingdom terms.
He decided to understand the Middle East through the animal kingdom. Always a great idea to go compare people to animals in a context of genocide and dehumanization. And surprise, surprise. The more noble animals are the U.S. and Netanyahu, respectively a lion and a lemur, while all the locals are insects and parasites. The lemur is noble? The sideways jumping lemur? Well, you know, it didn't seem like a slam. It's a mammal.
It was basically calling him cagey. Yeah.
Yeah. Right. Like, uh, there's really a battle of big cats that are cagey. That would have conveyed the message. Yeah. Lemur is a bit of a, that is a bit of a put down. I'm telling you, it's the first index card from a child that passed into his hand. Um, it doesn't even make sense by the way. Why would a lion who lives in the Savannah be bothered by a jungle wasp? Is it because his friend, the lemur who eats caterpillars is bothered by the eggs or
So anyhow, there you have it. Geopolitics explained to Americans by the New York Times' premier columnist. We're the king of the animals. We're burdened by the insects and parasites in the jungle, and we might just have to burn the whole thing down. But remember, folks, they hate us for our freedom. And this is from Gen X Girl.
Call me. Also notice all comparisons are between countries and animals to imply we're all like this, except in the case of Israel. The comparison is between BB and an animal to imply one bad actor and not the whole country. Good point. Always the exception to the rule for the chosen people. Okay. Hey, not these two. Don't you get it? It's the only safe. It's the only safe place. No. I mean, they. What are you talking about?
You know, you know, the more the more absolute hatred they generate with their blatantly buying out governments, media outlets, canceling rock stars and actors and committing genocide in broad daylight. Boy, is that making me feel safe? Yeah, no, it's amazing to this. People have made that case.
Where I'm like, oh, that's the best place to right in the middle of where everybody. I mean, they were kind of neutral before you got there. Now they're real not into it. Well, the whole premise is crazy, because if you were in a global situation where anti-Semitism had become so virulent that Jews are not safe in the West. Well, who the fuck funds, equips and supports Israel? So how would that be a safe place?
Think of it this way. They can't stand on their own without full support from the lion. If the lion turns, they're done. The Jews are like the litter of kittens. They'll eat all the lemurs. And the United States is the cardboard box and Joe Biden is the mother kitten. And then all the litters of kittens like the Jews have to come and suck at the teat of the mother kitten, right?
Right. That's in the New York Times. I mean, they need a successor to Friedman eventually. He's getting up there. Yeah, exactly. All right. I don't know how many more he has in him. Genius like this only strikes once. Who are they going to? Who are they going to recruit for the next? The next iteration. All right. So this is Matt Orfala did a short video.
that in spite of the horror that the media universally reacted with when Trump used the term vermin, they are not ones to really shy from terms like that. So Friedman is not the trailblazer we took him for, apparently. Oh. Trump calls political enemies vermin. Flashback. Washington Post calls Trump vermin. Echoing dictators Hitler and Mussolini. You know one thing about vermin
mass murdering dictators in history. It's that they refer to the people they want to mass murder as vermin, pests, rats. Washington Post refers to all the Republican rats. People they want to mass murder. Trump's Republican rats. The USS Trump rats. Trumpkin rats. The Republicans, the rat. Trump rat will tower over Washington. Here's a pencil sketch of Trump as a rat. Here's a computer render of Trump as a rat. Trump surrogates are rats. Sleen rats. Hillary Clinton is rat poison for Donald Trump
The Rat. Washington Post is saying your political opponents are vermin. You feckless c**t. Echoing dictators Hitler and Mussolini. The rats are finally eating their young is what's going on here. None of this is subtle. All the Republicans these days are treasonous rats. He really does seem to be trying to get them excited about the fact that they're going to be in jail.
the possibility of cathartic violence. Violence. Mass-murdering dictators refer to the people they want to mass-murder as vermin, pests, rats, right? Anything to make their followers see those people as something to be exterminated, not someone you might know.
Huh. Huh. That's pretty funny. It seems like this is a pretty common tactic that they don't have a problem with when it's not a Republican saying it. Well, you know what the rats are is everybody who's not a Davos man. That's what the great Yuval Harari, who I've written his book, very popular. I love it. And he's talking about how a new useless class.
is coming. What are these people useless to any... Are you like useless to me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Useless to mother? Who am I useless to? We did that in the live show the other night. Yeah, no. This... It's just another...
incredible example of it's all do as we say, not as we do. Yeah. Like Friedman, if they feel so strongly about this, as Cain pointed out, nobody looked at that and thought anything was wrong with it. I mean, aside from literary merit or the absence thereof, like nobody said, Hey, you know, I don't think it's a good idea to compare people who are being bombed on a daily basis to insects and vermin. Right.
Yeah. He's like almost a mascot, I think, at this point. They know he's a hack, but he's friends from back in the day. Come on, leave Thomas Friedman alone. You're bullying him because they know, but he's in. They probably know him well enough to know that he was really, really proud of that piece and that it would just crush him if they rejected him.
I didn't have the heart to tell him actually. No, Thomas, I think we're going to pass on this one. Maybe put this on your sub stack if you have one. Okay. Because you could tell all the research he did on the lemurs and the spiders and the what were the other things in there? Put in keywords. I like I like till we found one that fit what he what he wanted to smear people as.
Yeah, you give more credit to the libs than I do, man. The libs that I know, they'll read that shit. Yes, regular. It won't even make an impression. In the newsroom, because I have friends who used to work. I have a good friend of mine who used to work at Jezebel and for all that.
And so when I started meeting people that work in real media like that, they talk all kind of shit about all the other people, which I'm totally into. And I'll bet you there's got to be a couple of people like the editor or whoever has to look at that. Like, dude, come here, read this. Oh, do they know? Do they know he's a moron? Probably. I'm sure. The people who subscribe to the New York Times, do they know he's a moron? No. No. I don't think so. No, no, no. The people that work in it.
Yeah, of course they do. Well, it's like Joy Reid the other night. It's going to start another fucking war. That's how all... I'm all, you know, a bunch of... They're playing a character. A bunch of them are drug addicts, alcoholics, pill head, a bunch of people that I know that... And they live like New York animals, like how I did when I lived in New York. And that's how you keep that denial bubble and crazy thing. You just yuck it up. But you remember, you're elite...
And they have a natural disdain for even that's what don't do your own research is. It's not for people that don't like Forbes or the New York Times. It's for the people that are supposedly smart enough to read the New York Times or Forbes. Right. Well, because because the system relies on on what.
I like to call non-player characters and a lot of people like to call non-player characters. One of my favorite phrases of the modern age, because that's exactly what they are. And if you look throughout the ages, there are people who can do pseudo intellectualism. Well, like David from right. He could he could pull it off.
Bill Crystal on occasion can pull it off. That was some of the craziest shit I've ever read in my life. How does that get printed? Matt Friedman, Matt Taibbi has had a legendary series of articles about Friedman. Actually, Matt Orfala, you can check that out at Matt Taibbi's sub stack, which is Racket. He's doing most of his work right now for Matt. That was dropped for Racket.
Hey, this is Jimmy. Who's this? Hi, Jimmy. This is Michael Douglas. No way, Mr. Wow. We haven't heard from you in so many years. How are you doing? I'm doing fine. How are you? I'm doing just peachy. So why are you calling the show, Michael Douglas?
Well, I'm calling in to promote my new project, which is a limited TV series on Apple TV called Franklin, where I portray Founding Father Ben Franklin. Wow, you play Benjamin Franklin. That's what I said. Well, I'll be looking forward to that. You're a great actor, but I must say, I find this casting to be sort of interesting. Interesting?
What do you mean? Well, first of all, you don't look like him. Based on the paintings I've seen, he was notoriously overweight. Did they put you in a fat suit or anything? No. And you're not bald like he was. Did they shave your head and wear a bald cap or something?
Nope. What? We added more hair, actually. In this series, I look absolutely nothing like one of the most visually recognizable Americans ever. And I'm proud of that. Really?
Jimmy, I'm a vain man. I agreed to do this project, but I wasn't going to look like Ben Franklin. Because then people would think, hey, look, Michael Douglas is bald and fat now. Jimmy, I can't have that. I guess I get it.
I'm glad you do. Also, Ben Franklin has sort of a reputation as being witty and jovial. You seem a little more intense. I think people associate you with the suspense or thriller type movies, no? Yes, and that's exactly the energy I bring to this project. I put no effort whatsoever into acting like Ben Franklin or interacting.
These are all very interesting choices, Mr. Douglas. What drew you to this project, then? Money. But another reason is that I've always been interested in Ben Franklin. You know, a lot of people aren't aware that among his many other attributes, Franklin was by far our horniest founding father. Is that so?
insatiable appetite for women. He notoriously had two mistresses at the same time, one thin and one plump. Really? Which is the exact correct way for a man to live. Of course, in addition to many, many other lovers. So he's always been a bit of a hero of mine. I got it.
Especially now that I'm 79 years old. Ben Franklin was the original old guy who can still get it. And still pull trim. Not every man over 50 can do that, but he could. That's fascinating. So yeah, he's a bit of an inspiration to me. Yeah. And that's why I made the choice to play him as myself. Wow.
What will this TV series depict that aspect of Benjamin Franklin? You better believe it. Why the fuck do you think I'm doing it?
This isn't his full life story. It focuses on the period during the revolution when he traveled to France to try and win French support for the American cause, or at least during the day. At night, 1770s Paris was his oyster. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. Women.
Girls, prostitutes, threesomes, orgies, deep conversations while naked, eating food in a suggestive way, getting turned on by harpsichord music for some weird reason. And all in the name of freedom and independence. So this probably isn't a show children should be watching?
Not unless you want your children to see unsimulated cunnilingus on screen. Didn't you get cancer from that? And this project is very historically accurate in every way. I'll leave it at that. Oh, brother. Jimmy, do you remember how I got throat cancer? Yes. Do you remember? I said yes.
Let's just say I was ready to get it again. All right. All right. Thank you, Mr. Douglas. This sounds like an interesting project.
Thank you, Jimmy. It was an honor to be a part of telling one of the truly great American stories. Hopefully this will fire a love of American history and a whole new generation of Apple TV viewers. Anything else coming up on the horizon for you? Well, if they do another one of those Ant-Man and the whatever movies, I'm down. I can always use another $10 million. I mean, put it...
Although I'm in talks to host my own game show called Are You Fucking My Wife? Where three young men come on as contestants and I grill them in a very intense way for a chance to win money and prizes. Well, that sounds great.
*laughter*
That's a good show idea. It's a great show idea. Do they get to fuck your wife? Is that one of the prizes? Yeah, Will Smith, Douglas. Well, good luck with all of it. I have a trademark, geniuses. Don't even fucking try it. Well, good luck with all of that, and thanks for calling, Michael Douglas.
Thanks, Jimmy. I'll talk to you in another 10 years.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. That's it for this week. You be the best you can be and I'll keep being me. Do not freak out. Do not freak out. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Do not freak out. I'm not kidding. Do not, do not, do, do, do, do, do. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not
Do not freak out.
