Exposing our Body Counts with Alex Cooper
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Literally having the most fun of my life last night. Have you not learned anything about podcasting yet? Pull up your fucking mic. Where's your mic? Okay, guys, I'm learning something really fucking stupid right now. We have an emergency debrief situation. This is Hallie from the streets of New York. Staying up.

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I've got a bunch of notes and I didn't read a single thing. Welcome back to Extra Dirty. Hello, everyone. No, you're going to do an intro for this. I'm going to be like the tail end. You intro it. I don't want to drive this ship just yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. She's still in training wheels. I'm still drunk. Welcome back to Extra Dirty. My name is Hallie Batchelder and I had such a good time last night.

I was thriving last night. You were living your best life with those bangs bouncing around. Okay, let's tell them what we did last night. Okay. What did we do last night? So we went to a absolute rager. No.

No, it was fun. It was fun. I got there so early. One thing about me is I will be prompt. No, the best part of the night, you guys, is I'm standing at the DJ booth and all of a sudden I turn around and Graydon's eight foot body is literally laid up.

And it wasn't like you on the ground graded. He's in the other room being like, oh my God, it helped me. He was having a good time down there. No, he was having a ball. I kept falling into like the crevice of the table behind the table into the corner. Lord help you. I saw you. You lost it a couple of times. I had to grab you by the nipple. Oh my God.

to pull you back up from your nipple. No, I was trying to make a point to like not get that drunk last night because I feel like every time you see me, I'm in the worst shape ever. And Matt's like, Matt said to me before I left last night, he's like, you can go home if you want to. Your eyes are crossing. And I was like, fuck, I failed. I didn't see your eyes cross as much, but that could because I was sitting next to you like this. So I was never making direct eye contact with you. I was just like looking at the side of your head. So I've,

I didn't really see your eyes. No, you were busy. Wait, should we talk about the tea of me literally talking to Remy about the guy that's dating an influencer that lied to everyone and said he fucked me? Wait, yeah. I forgot. We say things to each other when we're drunk and you never know what I'm talking about. I never know what you're talking about. We just kind of like nod at each other. You're always like, okay. Remy hooked up with this person and before she hooked up with him, he was like saying that he fucked me. I have my list right here. Let me show you the men I've fucked. Oh my God. My list looks like a phone book.

Where's my phone? Wait, I would love to see your list. Show me your list. Why is it in your email? Look at this cute little list. And guess who's not on there? Her fucking boyfriend. Wait, that's way smaller than I thought. Okay, anyways, you guys. Look at this list.

No, no, no. It's definitely a football team with people on the bench. Do you rate them by the first time you had it or do you rate them by the good to the bad? No, just in order. Just in order. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at this. It banged a whole family of people.

They all have the same last name. And one more twins, yeah. Anyways, yeah, so that was funny. Remy and I were laughing about that because I was like, I think that's maybe one of the most freaky, freaky behaviors. Did you have any interaction with this man? I took a fan photo with him at Montauk when I was at Surf Lodge. I'm in the Hamptons a couple years ago. If any of the Daddy Gang is listening to this, this is when I got kicked out of Rush Myers and almost got kicked out of Surf Lodge. What did you do?

I go to Surf Lodge and there's a guy that comes up to me and like he's cute, you know, and he's hot, but he's short king. Yeah, short king. And so he comes up to me. He's like, Alex, like I'm such a big fan. Can I take a selfie with you? What's his fucking last name? I want to show you this. And I was like, yeah, for sure. He was like, Daddy Gang. Daddy Gang. And I was like, oh my God, I love like a guy that's Daddy Gang with a penis. So then fast forward, I never think of anything again. And then he told Remy that we had sex.

I think that's the most disgusting thing for a man to lie about having sex with a woman. Freak. Sorry, I'm on one this morning. No, no, no. Look at the photo. Look at the photo. Oh my God, the bleach blonde silver tone.

Hallie is obsessed with my eras of blonde hair. It needs to be studied. To be fair, it used to be very silver, but I feel like it got me through a lot. It's probably how you feel about like filler. I just like love the needle feeling. Not in my arms, but... You do...

You do? I couldn't get my ears pierced till I was like. I could see that. I could see you being like a little like Taylor Swift fan. I don't want to get my ears pierced, but I need to. What else happened last night? Listen to me. You did the classic thing that is the best thing in the world where Halle had the entire fucking club and the fucking bouncers looking for her phone. And I grab onto her and I literally am holding on clutching onto her purse as I'm like yelling at her. And I'm like.

Open your fucking purse right now. Wait, Remy did that too. No, no. And also Jordan hid my phone in my purse. She was being nice, but like she put it in there. I didn't know. No, Maria last night. I have dementia. No. What? Okay, what else? Graydon, what else happened last night? Graydon. Graydon goes by Black Tata.

Oh, yes. I kept trying to tell you about this last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like, what are you saying? Like, you couldn't hear me, but you heard me. Because you told me that this billionaire somehow knew me. He said that back in the day that you guys were, like, at a Halloween party and, like, what's-his-face wanted to, like, set you up with this guy that I went on a date with last week. What was I wearing? What? What?

No, I feel like everyone knows like what what you remember all your Halloween costumes like was I Snow White? Was it? Wait, I've never been Snow White. No, wait. No, was I Little Red Riding Hood? No, like it was Halloween. You were definitely serving face. But then someone was like, wait, she she talks about like all the guys she's hooked up with online. And he's telling me this story as I'm on this date with him. And I was like, wow, who would do that?

That's so crazy. I was like, fuck. I know, but it's safer with the older guys because they don't usually have TikTok. That's true. It's honestly strategic. So he's saying he was too afraid because I was literally talking about men and then here you are ramping it up 10 times more. Yeah.

He's like, you're an angel. I'm like, hi, I'm your worst fucking nightmare, actually. Wait, okay, so tell me about the date. It went well. He looks more wholesome than I thought when you showed me a picture of him last night. So you remember me showing, you remember that? I do. I feel like he looks like he's from Greenwich and he shops at Polo. He is from Greenwich. He is? Yeah. And he was wearing a polo in the picture. He was wearing a polo. And he has cute little like spiky like good hair. And he's like an uncle. He's an uncle? Yeah. Oh my God, I'm obsessed. But like he's too wholesome for me. Where did he take you? I'd break him.

You would break him? He brought me to this restaurant right next to Zero. It's called Tushi. And did you have sex with him? No, I didn't. I was stained. You didn't? Did you guys make out? We made out in front of the whole restaurant. Is there any sexual chemistry? Because I feel like when nice guys are too nice, it's a little like, oh. No, I don't know if he's too nice or too smart. There's something off, though.

I feel like I'm not giving him a fair chance. Why? He's a billionaire. I feel you can look past it. I think he's low-key like was probably a nerd in his 20s. And now he's like super rich. And now he's cool because he's a billionaire. Yeah, now that's like an asset. But I feel like of all the things you've probably looked past with men, like anything with him you could get past because he's a billionaire. Wait, did you see? Have you guys seen anything on TikTok about what people are saying about us? Yeah, I actually have. I'm getting sent a lot of things that...

That you're grooming me. I was like, wait, what? Like she's grooming her. I have been grooming her since the day I met her. Okay. What does that even fucking mean? You've literally been doing this without me before you met me. Yes. And now I'm just literally like helping you with production. You're just the groomer.

I am literally the groomer come one, come all. If you want to get groomed by Alex Cooper, hit me up. Wait, no. I was actually more talking about like this. Like there was like a financial conversation. Did you see this? Oh. People were saying like there's something. I saw TikTok. It was too much. I was like too hammered and they were talking about like the Renaissance. Oh, I did. She was talking like Jane Eyre or something like we.

I was like wait what the fuck are you talking about I think that they were like a little like perturbed by the conversation about like your dad having money or something um they're probably broke anyone that comments being like this girl suck blah blah it's Donna Flex you're poor and I don't and I don't feel bad for you here's the thing

I don't relate to that concept because I at one point was fucking broke. And so I can talk about this shit. Like I worked fucking hard. You shut up. But me. No, I'm just kidding. Well, no, no, it's true. Moving on. What else should we talk about? You think people think I'm grooming you? There was one video that she's like, she's trying to pull her out of like all this information. I'm like, no, that's just how we talk.

Wait, she's trying to pull all this information out? What does that mean? Like, about like sex stories and shit. What? I saw this whole like in-depth video analyzing my every word. Bitch, I literally wish we had a fucking camera on us when we were in my fucking house drinking whiskey because we literally are speaking the exact same way. If not, no, you don't. Remember when you gave me 17 house stories. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Barefoot Dreams. Oh, daddy gang. I love dreams.

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no you guys no i matt and i put hallie to bed one night we get to my house hallie is literally so drunk i'm pretty sober crossed i was so i don't smoke alec we get home and hallie's like one more nightcap one more nightcap and i'm like okay fine fucking shit and matt's like so excited he's like yes one more nightcap because whiskey so i start pouring her whiskey and i make us ramen noodles hallie was hesitant but she took the noodles i don't like food

but I ate the ramen. So then we ate and we brought you upstairs to the guest bedroom. Hallie was like, I don't want to go to bed yet. You were literally stomping your foot. You said, I want a house tour. I was like begging Lauren to stay up with me. I want to have a summer party. Lauren, immediately gone. So we go upstairs and Hallie is like, show me your closet. She's walking around in my closet.

She's going into me and Matt's bed. We finally get her into a room. We have a threesome. That may peg me. We get her into her room and Hallie sits down on the carpet and she's like, good night. And we're like, what are you doing? She's like, I was going to just sleep on the bathroom floor. There's a perfectly good king size bed waiting for her. So Matt says, sit the fuck down. She sits down on the couch and Matt proceeds to take Hallie's feet and starts taking off her shoes. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Because you don't know. I don't know where this is going. And we're like, literally shut up. We don't undress her. That's where the grooming started. And

And this is where the grooming started. We tuck her into bed. Yeah. And she went to bed. She wakes up the next day. She comes down for coffee and she asks me for a fucking house tour. I'm like, I literally took you through my whole fucking house last night. You kind. But that morning I woke up. I literally didn't know where I was. I was like, this doesn't look like the hotel. Tell the fucking computer story. Yeah. Kelly, did you not watch our episode of color? Daddy? I've watched parts of it. Yeah.

Let's just run this back insert clip from caller daddy. I'm let me guess what you did Yeah, you went to the desktop you press the spacebar, you know, I couldn't watch the whole episode by myself I need kind of scary. No, it's very scary. I knew what I was talking about all the time Did you when you okay? Wait, can we talk about how are you feeling about having a podcast now? Did you get a good response? This is gonna be your second episode. Like how's the response been going? I think it's been positive. I

I think we got some, I think shock values what's needed here. Did you hear from the terrorist? Which one? The man, the man with the short story? No. I didn't know if he would reach out to you being like, please don't talk about me. Well, it's too fucking late. I'm so proud of you. I feel like you're doing such a great job. I've groomed you to success and now I can let you fly. No. Wait, are you coming tonight or no? No, I am coming tonight. Oh, okay. You didn't have to.

No, I want you to. No, no, no. I want you to. I'm going to be thinking about that all day. No, I'm saying like, I don't want you to feel like you have to. Graydon, are you coming? But you know what I mean? Like, I don't want you guys to feel like you have to. Alex does not want us to come. I don't want you guys to feel like you're kind of overheating, but I have to keep up like. No, I'm over it. It's 70 degrees. I just figured out my heat yesterday. I have to take this off.

Okay. We, meeting Lauren's boyfriend last night was so fun. Can I tell you something though? Yeah. People online think that it's not just something I did like a few times, that it's like a service I provide. It's like, people think like Lauren will call me and be like, hi, I'm making dinner. Jordan needs his dick sucked. Can you come Uber over? Like, that's not, that's not what it was. It's only on holidays. Slay. We were celebrating. Specifically Memorial Day. We were, we were,

I feel like it only happens in Nantucket. Wait, where are the locations it's happened? It's,

Just Nantucket. See, I feel like you guys get fucking freaky on Nantucket. Well, like there's something in there. I think Nantucket's like where I've been my freakiest self. Yeah, because it's kind of like Narnia. It feels like a fake land. Then you go back to reality and you're like, ooh. I just like drag men back to the basement of my parents' home that has no windows and just like a gas bed and just let it rip. Wait, Gray didn't hook up with someone the other day. Get in here now. Just a quick one. Then get back in bed. Breaking news. Grayden sucked.

And got sucked. No, and on the cape. Did you guys 69? No, wait, I was in my car and I was driving and he was diddling me, obviously. And I got a new car and it's like...

I don't know. I don't know how to work my new car, right? So I take my seatbelt off while he's diddling me. And if you take your seatbelt off in my car, the whole fucking car turns off. Okay? I didn't know this. So mid-diddle, I'm driving. I take my seatbelt off because the seatbelt's in the way. My whole car turns off. I lose control of the steering. And my car just stops in the middle of the road. This kid's hands in my pants. And we're looking... It was insane. It was, like, really dangerous. And we just look at each other. And I was like, all right, that just, like, killed the whole entire vibe. Just a little. Yeah.

So then I had to turn the car on. I didn't know how to turn the car on. It was a whole thing. Wait. But yeah. Keep going. I'm trying to remember. So who stuck who first? Wait, also, who decides that? A defender. Do you have a defender? Who decides who starts? Yeah. I don't know, bitch. Who decides who starts when you fuck? It's probably you. Who is better, you think? Me, definitely. But you got out of commission. I know. Muscle memory. No, no, no.

And I feel like sometimes the first time back, you really give it all you got. Oh, yeah. Like your life fucking depends on it. Because it does. Were you in the front seat? Did you pull over? No, I was driving. Well, you're not going to get it while you're driving. Actually, the first time we hooked up, I was driving and I was sucking him off with one hand on the steering wheel. This was years ago. And I almost crashed my fucking car into a telephone pole. I used to be really crazy, if you can't tell.

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That's betterhelp.com slash daddy. I used to be nuts. I've been to jail. Did you know that? Have I told you that? No, why have you been to jail? I was really drunk and I was underage. No. Wait, I feel like you were like sassy, like... I was crazy. Fuck the police when you were young. The police chief in my hometown knew me by my first and last name. Because I would get in so much trouble. Where did you get arrested? This place called the Xfinity Center. Hmm.

in Philadelphia no in mass was it like at a country concert or something because I've almost got arrested there too Dierks Bentley yeah classic I got fingered during that concert oh my god in the mosh oh my god by the on the grass yeah in the back in the green by the trees like by the port-a-potties yes yeah that's where everybody used to get fingered should we go wait that would be crazy so how did you get arrested what were you doing just drinking

Okay, so I had a bunch of nips stuffed in my shoe, like shooters, like nips. And then I gave the cop a fake ID and then he ran it and it like obviously was fake. So they threw me in the slammer and then my dad never came to fucking pick me up. So they put me to real jail. Yeah. What was it? So annoying. It makes me so mad. What was it like in there? Scary. So people, well, they put me in a police van. They took off all my clothes. I only had like my base layers on.

They took all my jewelry. You didn't spread the cheeks? No, I wish. Yeah, it was crazy. It's bad. You do not want to go to jail. Jail's not fun. Like, I was in the real jail for a hot second. Like, how long? Like, an hour. No, no, no. No, because my dad was taking his sweet time. How much did it take to bail you out, you think? It was like $25. It was like, yeah. Did you tell her the ski mask story? Were you...

Did I? No. I'm sorry, I can't get over the fact that Graydon just said that with one hand he was driving a vehicle and on the other side he had one eye up. Do you have the thing where you're cross-eyed, right? So you can kind of look one eye up and one eye down at the dick? I can do it. No, I wasn't looking at the road at all. Graydon, pull over. That's how people die. This was when I was in high school, so obviously I'm going to do that in high school. Obviously.

You just keep one hand on the... Don't do this. You keep one hand on the steering wheel on a straight road. So then you just hold the steering wheel and you go straight. Wait, he was hot though. Yeah. Yeah, I know he was hot. He's always the hottest on Thanksgiving Eve. It's like this weird thing. Yeah, people get hotter on Thanksgiving Eve. And it's every fucking Wednesday night on Thanksgiving... The Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Every time. Sexy. Other than that, needs some work. Who came first? None. None.

What? I know. What? Because the car, my car turned off. It like fucked up the whole vibe. Oh, and it just stopped there? Your car turned off, you turned off? Like kind of. Yeah. I turned off and my car turned off. Wait. And why haven't you guys had sex? I don't really want to. Graydon doesn't like sex. Yeah, it's too much. I'm picky. I wish I was more picky. I don't want to go near that. Do you have more bodies than her? No. I only have like eight. Wait, one, two, three, four, five. Same people. Just kidding. Any same names?

I like how they progressively got more famous. We agreed on what is the ski mask story. No, you have to tell Alex the ski mask story. This is so important to society. Just paint the picture in my head. Okay, sit back, relax, and enjoy. Okay, so once again, I'm on Cape Cod, the hometown, the homeland. And I got this message from this person on this app called Grindr.

Which I use very cautiously because, like, I don't want to get killed, right? This person messages me and it said a couple things in their, like, bio. And I was like, I just feel like I know who this person is. But he wouldn't send me a picture. He wouldn't send me a picture, so I had no idea who he was. I feel like on Grindr they just show, like, their weird...

Yeah, they show like a torso picture, like a body picture. Why did you feel like you knew who it was? I just had this, I had this feeling. Well, wasn't he tall? And like you, like there was only so many tall people in the cape or something. Yeah, like not as tall as me, but like tall-ish. Oh, because Cape Cod is small. Yeah. Ish. Okay. And his picture was like a picture of like a picture frame, like for his picture. It wasn't his body. And I was like, I feel like I like would know that picture for some reason, but

Anyway, so I meet up with this kid in a parking lot. And I could have been brutally murdered. I'm not going to lie. It was at 1 a.m. in this weird part of town I don't go to, obviously. And I'm waiting there and I look into the wood. I need to like... I look and...

I look into the woods. It's like a foggy night. Like, there's fog. This fucking person emerges out of the woods wearing, like, a matching sweatsuit and a fucking ski mask approaching my car. And before he even got into my car, I knew who it was. I just knew. He gets into my car.

The only way he would talk is like in mumble. So I couldn't recognize his voice. He was like, like fucking speaking in tribal or something. Okay. He takes out his schlong. I'm not even kidding. It almost hit my fucking dashboard. It was huge.

And that's where the story ends because he couldn't get hard and then it kicked him out. Wasn't he going back to his girlfriend too? I don't know. Wait a second. I don't think so. Wait, I thought you made a... I hope not. Well, not my problem. In that moment when he pulls out and you see it on the dash, are you... It's like it goes out my window on the other side.

Godzilla enters the picture. Are you like, and what do you say? You try to like jack him off? Do you touch him at all? I was like, it's going to be a long night. You gave him a little diddle? Oh, I was putting my whole back into it. That's the worst when you're slacking off a flaccid penis. Just fucking shaking it. I'm like, what's going on? Shake, wait. No, literally. And then how did he leave? Like he just literally left in silence? I kicked him out and then I'm sure he did like a mumble and was like, bye.

Did you ever see this man again? No, but he messaged me again last week. He wants more. On the same app? Yeah. You have to do it. I will.

You have to reply and be like, bring the ski mask for old time's sake. No, I told him I know who he is. What did he say? He was like, oh, fuck or something. But I was like, you're a fucking idiot. Like, who cares? Yeah. Why is he wearing a ski mask? Because he's straight. Oh, he is straight. Yeah. So does he have a girlfriend? I think you said that like, oh, I have to go back to my girlfriend anyways. I don't like really know. I've never seen him in person. Like, I don't really know his life. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Amazon Music.

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Prime. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more of whatever you're into. It's funny because like Raiden will go on Grindr on Nantucket and will like walk into crew and he'll be like, it's like a bunch of like married couples and their families and he'll be like, he's on Grindr, he's on Grindr. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, it's fucking insane on Nantucket. It's just sad. 2024 just come out. I wish they could like be like themselves. Yeah. I mean, I don't really care, but um...

It's not my problem. You know. But none of them that are like that hot. Okay, great. And I'm really sorry that that happened to you. Do you feel used? Lord. Do I feel used? No. I'm big strong boy. Are you hungover? Yeah, but I'm kind of drunk now from this Bloody Mary. Wait, I feel great now. I feel so good. Should we go out? 11 in the morning. Yeah, wait. Wait, so you're coming tonight? Mm-hmm. What are you going to wear?

Wait, what is the plan tonight? You guys, I have no idea. The plan was we're going to have a cocktail hour. I just thought it would be like nice to keep it going. I'm like, I want to keep celebrating you. Did you like my speech last night? I love you so much. You don't understand. I wanted to have like a little like cocktail hour with us to just like keep drinking. Is it just us tonight? The three of us. No.

now imagine i rented out a whole matt stay home matt stay home um no it's i think it's gonna just be like everyone like kind of similar to last night ish no it's not a good restaurant too it is yeah where is it you don't know where it is i have literally no idea where we're going to st theo's have you been there before never been there in my life it's great italian i think we just gotta like start drinking early wait i love when you're like this maybe we'll go out again where do you guys go when we go out

I've only been to I've only been out here to little sister twice that's it you've definitely been a little sister you know the one and only time I was at little sister is when see this hockey player that I had like on and off talk to in college so I'm there and I see him and I knew he had a girlfriend but I see him and like we kind of knew each other from college so I still went up to him I'm not trying to fuck him but then the rest of the night he was trying to fuck and I always thought he was so hot and I only had sucked his dick it was the first like

curved penis that i like did the gluck gluck on and i like really learned a lot from it it literally was so huge and then at the top more but like kind of the whole um to the side down down would be crazy oh it depends what way you're looking at it it kind of is like that straw like that yeah what is that that's to the side or is that up that's down that's down i

Well, it depends what way you're looking at it. Listen, I was scared to have sex with it because I don't know how that would work. You would squirt. You would? Yeah. I feel like that hit the side of my walls, not my G-spot. Anyway, so I'm at Little Sister. We're talking, we're talking. It slowly gets more progressively flirty. And then we go to Avenue after. Do people still go there? Avenue is closed. I've had sex in Avenue bathroom. Oh my God. Avenue is so good. It's just like these tight walls and everyone's just getting fucked.

And so we're sitting up on the, we're sitting up. It's the end of the night. And I literally look him in the eyes and I say, I have no interest in doing this. If you actually are still with that girl, like please. And the whole night he's been convincing me. I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend. She's so obsessed with me. I don't have a girlfriend. So obviously I fuck. I bleed everywhere. You guys, I'm not kidding you. Yeah. The dick. The fucking punctured you. It punctured an artery.

You guys, I didn't realize how bad the blood was until in the morning his agent walked in and was like, you have like a body armor shoot or something. And he walks and he goes, oh shit, we're both laying there naked. There's blood all over the sheets. There's blood on the wall. I feel like men don't care about that shit. It was so dark and there was blood everywhere. And then you guys, less than a month later, he was down on one knee and proposed. And now they're married. Oh my God. She's still bleeding. Right.

I've never been the same since. Anyways, yeah, so now he's married and I don't know about that. Cheers to her. I hope he's not cheating. That little scummy. Here's the curb dick. Have you had a lot of curb dick? Not to the side. Wait, Graydon. That makes no sense. What does it look like? Usually when you say a dick curve, you're like, it goes like this. No, hold it like it's sticking out of you right now.

Like either this way or this way. Not fucking that way. No, I feel like it has a hook to the left or right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like just a little hook. It just starts going up and then it just curves, curves, curves more that way.

Like, kind of like my eyes. I'm getting scared. Okay, wait. So where are we going tonight? We should go to Sub Mercer. I don't know anything about New York. I love Sub Mercer. What's Sub Mercer? It's, you know, where Mercer Kitchen used to be? It's Artiano's now and they bought out the bar underneath and it's like a club. Good daddies hang out there. Regardless, we're going to go. What are you going to wear tonight? Or a petite disco. Petite disco? You've definitely heard of petite disco. No. Okay, so we'll go out tonight.

I'm holding you to that. Oh, I'm ready. I don't want to get too drunk tonight. I always say that. I feel like every time you see me, I'm so fucked up around you and you're like, oh, Holly's fucked up again. Holly, I have the best times with you. Okay, fine. I'll get fucked up tonight. All right, fine. Fine. Fine. Okay. I feel good about this. Okay, you guys, I think we just crushed this. No, I think this is amazing. How do you feel, Graydon? I needed to get that off my chest, so I feel great. The jail part or his penis? No, I don't care about the jail part. The dick in my mouth.

Okay, bye guys. Wait, this is your show. Say something. I hate the end. I hate the end every time. Guys.

This place has great energy. Tune back in every week for this bitch. Tune in for the tits. Tune in for great and sucking stories. I may be back. Every time I'm in New York, I need to come on this fucking couch. No, I really think you do. It brings me back. From the VP to here. Let's fucking go. Perfect. Love you all. Love you all. Bye. I took notes on this night.

Because I literally had to like have other people piece it together for me. It was quite the fucking night. I mean, guys, I am wrapping up the weekend, obviously. I'm missing three nails. I just hopped out of the sauna. I could smell the tequila in Merlot.

exiting the chat but like honestly the missing nails that's a fucking telltale sign of a good night also I feel like I'm like three pounds lighter in hair extensions those I left on Nantucket we'll get into that anyways where did the night begin we went out with a good group of people guys I swear we went to every fucking location in New York City we went out with Alex and Matt we started with a bigger group a solid group a great group at this restaurant St. Theo's

We had some hors d'oeuvres. We got the drinks flowing. I again promised myself that I was going to go into the night, you know, not drink that much, not embarrass myself in front of father. But alas, the eyes were crossing quickly as the night began. So we started there and then we decided it'd be a good idea to go to Zero Bond.

I love Zero Bond. I honestly don't know if Alex has been there, but I want to show her Zero Bond. So we went in the back. We had more dirty martinis, but by the time we were sitting down at Zero Bond, I could feel it. I was getting fuzzy. My eyes were definitely crossed. I had one eye looking directly in front of me and the other eye was already looking at the next location of the night. Like I woke up, went into my camera roll. I had a video.

of me, Alex and Liv. We were all in the bathroom. Liv had scissors for some reason. One of us thought it was going to be a good idea to cut half of Alex's skirt off to make it like more micro. Honestly, it looked amazing, but I don't know who thought, who trusted us with scissors. I don't know. But anyways, we started the night there. We dropped a couple of flies, probably like the people that actually had some logic that didn't want to continue the night because by that time we, the drinks were fucking flowing. We were cozy. We're like, Oh, Oh,

Then we texted our mutual, we have a mutual friend in New York. We texted him and his friends. They had a table at this place called the Mulberry. I mean, I call them the daddies. So like he had friends that were like the daddies and we like went and met up with them. The one daddy that I had actually had gone on a date with recently, but like this man is perfect to the T. This man, he is successful.

He is sexy. He is suckable. He's all the most important things you could think of. But just, I think I am the problem here and I don't want to like kinder his soul. I feel like I would cause a ruckus in this poor sweet man's life. I mean, he's so sweet. So I go, Lauren, this guy would be perfect for you. Like go for the billionaire daddy. And she was like, wait, what? Like, why are you just giving the man you just want to date with him? I'm like, oh, thank him. There's more where that came from. There's more where that came from.

So anyways, we did that. And honestly, I don't really remember. Hold on, let me check my notes. This is sad that I have to check my notes up. Did we really do that? So I remember being at this bar. And this is a fun bar, but it's a small bar. And there's also no windows. Like there's no exit plan if that place were to light on fire or...

you know, like I'm not climbing out of the dungeon. That's kind of how like I felt going into it. It's like very underneath. It's like subterranean and it gets really fucking hot in there. And also we didn't have that much room to sit. I also like didn't know if I was fucking with the music and like that can dictate my mood. I can go from a good mood to a bad mood really quickly. I remember like not jiving with like, it was like playing funky town or some shit like that. I don't know. That wasn't my jam. So we went to the next spot.

And we could have called it a night after the third spot or was it the fourth spot? No, yeah, we went to Due West, which I love. You know, I love a good Due West on days. If you want to find hot, rich men, go to Due West on a Sunday afternoon. Not me, like I should gatekeep places like that, but I'm a real one. Like go to fucking Due West. Then we went there. And by that point, I think like,

My tapings were out and flapping in the wind. My hair was undone. We only have video footage. I don't have memory at that point in the night. But it was fucking fun. Like we had a good time. Like we were drinking. We were laughing. We were being silly. We were letting loose. I don't even remember what men we were with at that point. Yeah.

But you know what the most sickening part of this whole situation is? I had called a black lane, which is basically like a fancier Uber. It's like a car service to pick up me and Graydon. We decided like in our drunken endeavors, that would be a good idea to leave at 6 a.m. and go from here to Nantucket. I made it a fucking point.

to have the car pick us up at 6 a.m on the dot so we can make this 12 p.m ferry we get there our driver was like I don't know the area like I don't want to drive too fast this guy was moving like fucking molasses which I respect because safety first but we missed the boat by four minutes I was literally waving to my friends that were on it we were like no what

So what did we do? We went to the little diner right next to it and we got like three Bloody Marys and a lobster roll, which honestly made us feel a bit better. But the fact that we woke up so early just to miss the fucking boat sparked a flame in my soul that I really don't even want to get into right now. But it was annoying, but whatever. And then I got to the island. We kind of got there, took a nap and then woke up and I was like, we were in fucking Nantucket right now. And what did I miss? What was the only piece of

thing. I left back in my apartment, my whole wallet, my purse. So not only did I have that long ass travel day going there, I had no ID to get into any single fucking bar, nothing. Although I do a poll there, so I was completely fine, but I couldn't fly home. So I had to take a train, like a ferry. There is no easy way of getting to Nantucket quickly, especially on a weekend like

Christmas stroll. But you know what? It was fucking fun and we lived to tell us it was good. It was good night. It was good multiple nights. It was a fun weekend. You know what I'm trying to say. I don't even have enough time to sit and talk about that in this episode. I'll get to that in a different episode because the debauchery, like I feel like this nail that I have missing right here is probably lodged in some sailor's ass. But you know what?

I live to tell the story barely. Like my neck hurts and I need to call my mom. But anyways, what a fucking time. We crushed it. New York City. So I'm like, I'm like giving a speech right now. Anyways, I love you guys. That's all for today's episode. And so many kisses and this will love you all.

My life is opera. There is no reason in opera.

Maria, directed by Pablo LeRae. For your consideration. Now playing at Slack Peterson on Netflix.

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