Chris Olsen: My Revenge Porn Experience
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Chris Olson, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you. I am so happy to have you here right now. I'm like...

We have so much to go over before we really, really get into it. First of all, for anyone of the Daddy Gang that's about to be a new fan today, I'm going to give you the floor. Introduce yourself, where you're from, where you live, what you do for a living, anything fun about yourself. Give us a fun fact. Just give it to us. No pressure. The definition has changed over the past three weeks, but we're trying to make it better. My name is Chris Ulth.

I shouldn't... Should I direct it to camera? I'm like, hello, my name is Chris Olsen. I am originally from Chevy Chase, Maryland, the DC area. We call it the DMV. And I moved to LA...

I was always a theater kid growing up. I'm a theater kid. Growing up, I went to boarding school for high school for theater, like an art sporting school. Oh, so you did it. And then I got my BFA in musical theater in college from Berklee College of Music. Theater kid, hardcore. It's insanity. But junior year of my college was when COVID hit. Okay.

downloaded TikTok, was in a relationship, started making some videos. Two months in, went from like

a few followers to 2.2 million in like two weeks. I was like, okay, this is a fun thing that's happening. But I wasn't like career is new now. Um, so, and I still had a year left of school, but I finished senior year of musical theater school online on zoom. We moved to LA and then have been doing social media ever since went through a little public breakup, went through a little public breakdown, uh,

have been doing all of all things public recently. Your videos are amazing. Thank you. I think my favorite ones are obviously when you're like, where should I go? And you just casually get on a plane and you take us through your entire life and day. I can't imagine what goes into those videos. You make them look so effortless and chill. Meanwhile, as a creator myself, I'm like, God bless you. We bow down. You're doing the Lord's work over there. Thank you. Good work. We have to talk about the apartment drama. So for context, everyone, I...

I have been a fan of yours and I remember, I think it was like a year and it was about a year ago, a year ago. I start getting so many tags on TikTok and everyone is like, oh my God, Chris Olson is living in your old apartment. He's definitely living there. He's and I'm like, what is happening? So I go and I shut the fuck up.

Who is this bitch? Who? I see it and I'm like, oh my God. I don't know if it's the exact unit. It isn't. It isn't. I know it's not. I did lie to the internet. I've done it once or twice. But I knew it was the same building. You lived across the hall. I know the unit. Because it was like on... Two. Two and three. I had two and three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were...

2G, right? 2G. You can say it. I don't live there anymore. Oh, Jesus. I'm like, someone's going to show up and look for clues for you. I think I was. I lived across from a psychopath. Because those windows are like kind of unmistakable. The windows. And the location of it too. I think people just knew.

Are the doormen still there that like, I don't know if you have, do you love your doormen? Yes. They're the sweetest men ever. And most of them have been there for like 20 years. So yes. I remember when I was moving out and I like almost had a cry session with one of them. And I was like, this is when you know you loved your building so much. Cause I was like, I have to go. I gotta go my own way. What about us? What about everything we've been through? What about us? Okay. Yeah. This is good. Okay.

We're here today. Look at me just like shifting the tone. I'm like... And so now trauma. No...

And now let's talk about trauma. Yeah.

I think the reason I really want to have you on today is because unfortunately, a lot of the things that you have gone through in your life

A lot of the people listening and watching this episode will potentially have gone through also. Yeah, 100%. So let's just get into it. Yeah. Private photos and videos of you were leaked online, non-consensual, and the internet was essentially harassing you about these videos and these photos. So first, before we get into how this happened and everything, how are you doing without this?

Private photos and videos of you were leaked online, non-consensual, and the internet was essentially harassing you about these videos and these photos. So first, before we get into how this happened and everything, how are you doing without this? Now, better because I've removed myself off of most of the internet for now, and

and like trying to focus on what real life is. It's so easy to make that so real life and make that everything. I remember there's like, there's a viral, like Tyler, the creator tweet that was like, how is cyber bullying real? Just turn off your phone. And I remember being like, Tyler, I can't, I don't know how. And Tyler, this is my job, but I think I'm actually implementing that in a little bit of a way this past like month ish. Um,

I also have never cried more in my life. I cry, like, every day. But I don't even really say that in, like, a bad way. Like, sometimes I'm crying because I'm, like, so grateful. And sometimes I'm crying because, like, I just want to hug my childhood self. And sometimes I'm crying because I don't know why I'm crying. Sometimes I'm just fucking crying. And, like... That's okay. And that's okay. And, like, I...

I think people will probably be like, bitch, we see you cry all the time on the internet. What are you talking about? But like a lot of the time when I'm crying on the internet, it's like, I've been listening to Taylor Swift music. It's like, there's like a sad moment going on. I'm not one of those people who like, if I'm going through trauma, I'm going to be like,

Oh my God. But I just did that like last month. But to be fair, you were going on essentially asking people to stop and to give you grace and to understand like you are a human being and this isn't a game. This isn't like, oh my God, all these things are getting leaked of me in like a very traumatic past event that happened. That's bringing up a lot for me. And like now you guys are like using it as like clickbait and like to get views. Like please fucking stop because this is actually how people hurt themselves. Like,

Let's keep it real. And I had kind of entered like a clapback era for a month before then. I was trying to like be all like bitchy and like, I'm the one in this position and you're not. That's like also not me. Like I would love for that to be me. And occasionally I can like play that character. But the real me feels like the loser in middle school that everyone is now pointing and laughing at. And like,

And now it's like maybe I just like lost my virginity and everyone is hearing about it or there was a photo of it and everyone's now using that against me. And all I feel like is my 13-year-old self again who just wants to like hide and be hugged and like be with my family. And like my family from –

My family has changed so much from when I was 13 to like when I was 13, I had a perfect family unit. Now, like my mom's been to rehab several times. I've been to rehab several times. They're divorced. Like so much of the past that is being brought up no longer exists to me either. So that brings up a lot of internal pain, too. I'm like, I was going to say we're going to go through that because I think, again, like so much of what has happened.

to, like why we're like about to talk about something that's like immediate actually has so many layers that have happened in your life that got you to this point. Let's go back kind of to like your childhood because you referenced, which I think a lot of people can relate to, like the life you once knew completely shifted. And now as an adult, you look back on that. So talk to me about your childhood in Maryland from like the

beginning to like 10 years old like that like adolescent like young kid what was going on at that point I had like I had a wonderful childhood like I it was my mom and my dad together I have an older sister she's two years older I was always the performer of the family like I my sister was

Would never want to be in front of a camera. And she was so happy when I was born because I was like, I'm ready. Where are the lights, baby? Like, give me something. But you were like a very like outgoing, happy, like performative kid. Yes, yes, yes. I was such a happy kid. I was...

I was generally happy for like up until 10, like shit was good. I like life was good. My mom like ran our worlds. Like, like she, if you asked anyone in my neighborhood or even like the surrounding neighborhoods, they knew who my mom was. She was like on the board of everything. We were signed up for all, all of these things. We went to church every Sunday as a family and then would walk to dinner as a family right after, like it was,

Such a classic, like, really lovely, privileged upbringing. Like, I'm so grateful for that upbringing. And up until 10, like, yeah. I was going to say, what was school like during that time? School was good. I started off at, like, a co-ed religious school nearby. Okay. Which, like...

yeah, we religious and we went to church, but my parents now recount that as like, we just wanted to see if you liked it. Like they're not like my mom was telling me from like two years old. She was like, if you're gay, it's okay. Because she was like, I know this bitch wants to wear heels for his third. Like,

Come on. And so my mom knew, like they knew maybe the church wasn't going to be like our calling, but I think they just wanted us to have structure. So I went to a co-ed religious school until fourth grade and then I moved to an

all boys school, Episcopalian school for fifth grade where you wore coat and tie every day. How rough. Rough. I mean, fifth to sixth grade was like fine because it's like I were going through puberty. I realized I was gay in sixth grade, but like I like fifth grade was just like I was a I was an athletic kid. Like I was, I think, like the second fastest in the grade. So in like fifth grade at an all boys school, that's like stupid.

status clout bitch like you are I was like yeah I'm the second fastest you guys you can't say shit like what do you want that's literally clout yeah no it was like I was on top I was on top and uh but not anymore um but I I like fifth fifth and sixth grade were both good it was like it everything changed

and school around the time that I came out in seventh, at the end of seventh grade. Seventh. Is when I, is when I came out. I remember I tried to like come out in sixth grade. I like mumbled to a friend that I was gay and they were like, what? And I was like, nothing, nevermind. I was just like, I don't know how to put to, I don't, yeah. Nevermind. I can't, it's, no.

I don't even know what I just said. What? Lunchtime? Okay, let's go. Let's go run. And then when you came out in seventh grade. And was that like a positive? At the end of seventh grade. Was it a positive experience? Initially, yeah. I came out at theater camp because in addition to boarding school and college, I went to theater camp every summer. Love. Love. Jesus Christ. Thank you to my parents, by the way, for allowing me to do all this shit. They're like, our little faggot. You can bleep that one. I'm so sorry. Great.

They're literally like they they really to their credit. They said, follow your dreams. They were both lawyers. And they said to both me and my sister, like, you guys can do what you want. We want to work hard so you can do what you want. And I really I will always appreciate that. But I came out at theater camp.

To one of my friends who's actually also on TikTok now. He goes by Julian Cookies. And we he was like the gayest at camp. And so I was like, I need to tell someone.

That one, like that one in the short shorts and the tank top who speaks in the high voice. That's going to be the one. So I like went up to I like asked him to talk one day and like told him I was I think I might like like guys and bye. And then he was like, that's great. He had such like a casual reaction about it. And I was like, oh, right.

Yeah. Casual reaction. Yeah. Okay. It's cool. And so then when I went home and we're starting to go back to school, I knew because I know how the girlies work. I was at the all boys school and the girls school was right across the street. So I told three girls knowing that that shit was going to spread. I said, I'm going to actually let you do my work for me. Spread it like wildfire, bitch. Spread it, babes. I'm going to say, please don't tell anyone.

And here we go. By lunchtime. I knew what was going to happen. So I told a few girls and it started getting around. But then I didn't tell my parents because I was like waiting to have a moment with them, but I didn't know when. But this was also around the time that my mom was starting to go into a depression and she would drive me to school every morning and I

Like one of the mornings around this exact same time started sobbing and was like, I'm an alcoholic. And this is me like seventh grade or eighth grade now being driven to school. It's like 730 a.m.

But I'm like, I don't know what to do with myself at that point. I didn't know how to have any conversations. I wasn't in therapy yet. And you're in seventh grade? Eighth grade at this point, I think, because I had just come out. Yeah, it was a lot. Like eighth grade period, you could have the best life at home and eighth grade is going to be tough. But that started happening. And then...

One of the girls told their mom that I had come out and then their mom told my mom. So then she confronted me another one of those car rides that had already become really like scary for us at that point. And, um,

So I never got to come out to my parents. So there's actually, it's been a little bit of a theme. I feel like that throughout my life with these big moments, people have shared things for me. And maybe that's why I've become such an oversharer because I think if I beat everyone to the punch,

Maybe I won't feel violated. But oversharing has made me come off as annoying. So it's like you can't win. It's either I close it off and then I continue to feel violated because people share things about me that I didn't want out or I overshare and...

he talks too much. All he loves the sound of his own voice. All he does is fucking yap on the internet. And I'm like, I know there's no way to win. And I'm not saying I'm fighting a war that's harder than anyone else is, but what anyone else is going through, but it is really, it's like a mental game of tennis. We're consistently playing with ourselves, trying to find like,

How much am I supposed to share today? And should I be mysterious? Or am I the person that's relatable and loves to share things? Or do I just be myself? But who am I anymore? Because I've tried to just edit who I am over and over again to appease what you like.

But it turns out no matter what, like there's not going to be people who like you. And that's like fucking, yeah, basic internet one-on-one. But no, but it's, but it's, it is interesting to connect it to the real world of you being like it had, there is a theme in your life of like, you're not getting the opportunity to have autonomy over your decisions or your life or your voice. And it keeps getting taken away from you. So the only rational thinking is get ahead of everything, but then you're not able to actually live your life and like,

feel safe you're constantly on your toes being like oh my god if this is gonna come out then I should do and it's like holy fucking shit that's not normal no validate you yeah that is not normal and I'm sorry that happened to you in school because we all know how fucking miserable middle school is in general yeah and going through like having to come out in general it's like why the fuck

You shouldn't even have to do that nowadays. I know, right. Like, let's... Well, and that's, like, to my dad's credit because I never ended up coming out to him either. But he always says, whenever people ask him, like, when did Christopher come out to you? And my parents and anyone who knew me before age, like, 10...

I demanded everyone called me Christopher. I was not Chris. So my dad can't, he like physically can't call me Chris. So everyone calls me Christopher and it's a cute little like anecdote. If you're, if you know me from the past, which is funny because sometimes the internet does that now too. And I'm like, it feels like we know each other. Should I call you Christopher?

Hit it. Like, go for it. We're close now. Love, we're close. We're getting cozy. It's happening. We're childhood at this point, baby. Love, we are. We are. But my dad has always said to people when they say, so when did he come out to you? He's like, he didn't. And neither did his sister. And neither did...

Either of them have to. Why did they, why did I need to have a conversation with them about who they want to love? That's their business. And I'm excited if for whoever he wants to love, maybe if it were, if it were a girl, great. If it's a guy, great. And he, and this is like a, this is like a, just like a white straight guy from South Carolina. This is my, like, he is a lawyer, like, like is not a,

Someone who you would immediately look at and be like, progressive man, I feel safe to fly my flag around you. Not that he seems unsafe, but like I wouldn't like there. Maybe that's why people ask him, because there's like maybe a little bit of a prejudgment of like you. You're kind of like this classic American man. What's it like having this son? And he's like.

What do you mean? You know? He's like, what is this question even asking? Your dad sounds like a fucking angel. He's the best. And obviously, like, there are so many people that will watch this that are like, oh my fucking God, I wish that, like, my dad had did that. But I think we all have learned, like, it's okay if it's not your dad. There's someone at theater camp that can be like,

Oh, cool. Get in our posse, bitch. Like there is someone out there for everyone to like confide in and have that like beautiful acceptance and not have to be like, we, I'm not different. I'm me. And we're all different in like,

Dude, your dad sounds fucking amazing. He's the best. And that's why I kind of gaslit myself during that whole coming out scenario because my mom in that car ride said like, okay, I know that this is something you're doing, but maybe just don't tell anyone because people might be mean to you. And I know she had good intentions in that, but...

I felt really invalidated in that moment and thought, and I was in eighth grade. I was in this time when you're like, I don't even want to talk to my parents period. And so I'm sure she said that. And I was like, okay. And then we just didn't speak for the rest of the car ride. And I know that's like, there's so many worse ways that coming out can go. And so I kept thinking like, you can't be upset about this. Like you came out and they didn't kick you out. You're still going home. Everything is still fine. So like,

Get your shit together and don't be upset. But I do think, Chris, it's

Christopher. Christopher. I do think it's interesting. I think I had this conversation with RuPaul at one point of like, it's so convoluted of like our parents. Most of the time, most of the time are trying their best. And so are we. And there's this like gap that we can't bridge. So like your mother looking at you as like her little baby being like, don't come out. It,

From what I understand from your parents being progressive, it was like actually her trying to protect you. But what she wasn't understanding is this little boy that was like, I have been waiting. I whispered it to a friend. They didn't hear me. So I took it back. Like you were needing someone to be like, whenever you're fucking ready, we're going to stand right next to you. But it's like...

And she was also going through so much. And like she had a, both of my parents had insanely tough childhoods. And so a lot of the things that I go through with them now, I have to find a lot of forgiveness because of how they were raised and how great they're doing all considering. But like both of them were abused mentally and physically by parents.

their family members. So then your mom starts drinking. She had been drinking. I think like, you know, she maintains that she was an alcoholic for most of her life, but like we grew up when I grew up, she was like the wine mom. Like she wasn't, she was never really like, there was never a point in time in which I was like, my mom is wasted. And in fact, like, it's like, I don't know exactly how to say this because there were times we had

good moments with her when she was drinking she was almost she was self-medicating with alcohol and I think that was what was really confusing to us because at some of her rehabs it's just really tricky because I don't want to exactly say like she was great when drunk and then she hears this and is like so I'm gonna start drinking again you know what I mean like no I get what you're saying so let me I'll just go back a second no yeah take your time

Like, can I just say I have people in my life that are alcoholics and I've seen that you when someone is alcoholic for the most part, like understandingly, we're about to get to your life story also. But from watching your mother, there is this like a lot of.

personality for a majority of their life if it started young is like pretty intertwined with drinking and if they are a functioning alcoholic they're able to show up and you're like they're the fucking funnest person ever and you're not seeing when the minute the bedroom door is closed how much darker it can get or whatever it gets dark but if you're only seeing the like fun wine mom like I

I can understand why you're like, it wasn't that bad. Right. It also wasn't even like wine mom that was like, I'm drinking the whole bottle. Like, or maybe I didn't see that too. But like when you're a kid growing up, if your mom is one kind of way, you just accept her as she is. That's your mom, you know? And it's been, there's just been like such, I really, I do. I really do feel for her in that moment of the coming out story because she

She had just started going to AA. I don't think she had gone to rehab yet. She knew that there was something wrong with her. And wrong with her is also maybe the wrong word to say. It's like there was something going on mentally that she knew she needed to address. And there was also so much going on mentally with me. And I didn't know. None of us knew how to communicate or go about any of this. And I really do feel for her. And our relationship is consistently in...

in flux because when you get sober at 50, there's a lot of things you've, you have then learned how to do that not drinking anymore is not going to undo. It's not just going to immediately rewrite. And we, we still have a really tough relationship today, but I really do like love her and feel for her. And I hope we can get back to a place that

Things are better you know like I like I know she's going to be listening to like she is she's the most supportive mom ever there's she everything she does operates out of love I feel like I'm kind of going off track now I just I want to validate you also because and I can imagine how many fucking people are listening to this right now being like preach Christopher preach of first of all even if you have what looks like the most perfect family life.

Child family parent dynamics are so fucking confusing and they're so deep and it's especially if you are an only child versus if you have siblings and if you're the middle or you're the youngest or your oldest and then what are the parents working with and what is their trauma and what is their baggage? It's like nothing is ever going to be perfect when you have your relationship with your parents. That's a fucking fact. But it's I actually really respect you for being real of like if someone came on here was like we have the perfect relationship.

Well, no, you don't. No one has a fucking perfect relationship with anyone. Your significant other, your friends, your parents. So to acknowledge that you and your mom had essentially at one point in your lives, it was like the beginning of a lot of things you had to work through individually and together. That's really, really fucking relatable. And everyone's story is different. But like you sitting here getting nervous about your mom watching this. I want to like tell you, you're doing an incredible job speaking about it because it

No one is confused that you love this woman so much. But I appreciate you clarifying, like, but we got shit to work on. That's going to be the day, like, till the day we all fucking die. I have shit with my mom. I have shit with my dad. And to my friends, my life may look more perfect than theirs, whatever. Fuck no. We've got our shit. I just want to say that. Because I know it's weird, our lives, like, being in front of a microphone and cameras, and then, like, our parents and our family has to deal with it. Well, yeah, like, I know they're going to watch this, and I know, like...

And we actually haven't spoken since, like, that much since Christmas because there was a big, like, we just had a moment at Christmas. And, like, I posted on her birthday. When was her birthday? And, like, I text... I also texted her. It was July 31st. She's also Leo. And, like, that's... Like, I am... Like, I'm a... I grew up, like...

She was my everything. She was my everything. She was my best friend. She was my biggest cheerleader. And she still is. And that's what I think makes all of it so much harder because like I look at her and I want a relationship with her too. Oh God, this is just like the, and these are all things that like, I also want to talk about. I may need to talk about with her at some point, but families are really tough. Like,

I don't blame her for what was happening in that moment. Yeah. To go back to the main point. And I think to close out that also is like,

Everyone wants like when you there is a moment everyone can like close their eyes and think about when like their life seemingly felt like stable. Right. Yeah. I have this one picture in my head. Maybe for some people it was childhood. Maybe for some people it was like their teenage years or whatever it was. Yeah. You can like pinpoint that summer or that Christmas that you're like it really felt good. But it's hard because at the end of the day like.

You're talking about literally the woman that birthed you and you have such a connection to this human being. Yeah. But it's complicated and we can leave it at that because I get it. Like there's wounds there and you're still dealing with things and aren't we all and like I validate you. I also wanted to go back quickly to like while your mom is like saying this to you in the car like I'm an alcoholic you I'm assuming like we're dealing with things at school once you came out like being in all boy school. Yeah.

Talk to me. Were you bullied? Yes. But not to the... Again, not to a level of like... I was like... People were really... Yeah. I wasn't physically assaulted during these things, but it was an all-boys school. Like, I... It was the era of Ask.fm. Ask.fm, for the people who don't know, is like... And wasn't FormSpring also kind of the same? Yeah. I think Ask.fm was second wave FormSpring. So someone... And this is actually...

topical to what happens today. Like someone hacked my Facebook and saw me talking about liking a guy in my messages and screenshotted it and spammed my Ask.fm with it and was like, I'm going to send this to people. I'm going to send this to people. I'm going to send this to everyone. I'm going to send this to him, like the person I was talking about. And I fucking tried to like

hack into the mainframe, that shit. Like, I tried to find the IP address. I don't know. Me and my friend were trying to find ways to do this, but I was like... I never found out who it was. There was no way to ever find out. But again, your life, someone trying to expose you for what? Liking a guy? Yeah, like, I have... There have been just so many moments, I guess I'm, like, literally now realizing that, like, I just have not had choice to...

share myself the way I have wanted to and like the way I

had planned to and was hoping to. And it's like you, it's this continuous violation that I've tried to like maintain being on top of, but it's like, it's impossible to do that. But can I ask you like in moments like that, right? Where I think I read an article and you were like, Oh my God. Like I remember I like wore Doc Martens to school one day and everyone was saying I wore heels. It's like, what the fuck? When people are like targeting you or name calling or coming for you back in the day at that point, like,

How did it affect the way that you felt about yourself and your sexuality? I think I masked a lot with anger at those days. And like, I don't remember, like, I don't think I cried a lot in that era at all. Even when my mom was going to rehab, I think, well, it actually became like a tactic that I learned at one of her family programs because she was sitting across from me.

It was only me and my dad and her. And I was like 14 at this point. And we were at one of her family programs in the middle of nowhere in Tennessee. And we were doing family group, which is all of the rehab members and their families sit in a circle. And then two people pull their chair into the middle. I was the youngest one there at that time. So it's me 15 and my mom in the middle with a therapist right next to us. And, um,

My mom, I remember I was so, I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. Again, I wasn't like a crier at that point and I did not like crying. And she started crying. I think it was also an all boys school thing where you get conditioned that crying, it was like toxic masculinity was seeping in and it was like crying was weak and crying was bad. So I had been socialized to that at that point. My mom is sitting across and eventually starts sobbing to me that like, I've been a bad mom. And I'm,

I don't like, I feel like I've missed out on your whole childhood. And the therapist turns to me at 15 and is like, so now what your job is now is to comfort her and make her feel better. And like, tell her that that's not true. Like Christopher, like, because I think to this therapist credit,

Not that she should get that much credit because that wasn't the way to go about it. No. Was she had only dealt with adults. But even then, I don't think that's the way to go about this scenario. And I was sitting in that chair and I remember starting to almost cry. And I tried this thing for the first time where I was like, if I repeat don't feel in my head, I won't. And I was like, just I just sat there like.

like put my arms by my side and like took deep breaths and was like, don't feel, don't feel, don't feel anything. And like kept trying to like, well, the tears down. And now I think about that, like 15 year old and I'm like, feel, feel everything. Like I just, I, I wish I could hug that kid and be like, and also tell that therapist, like, no, it's,

It is not this kid's job to make his mom feel... This kid is the lost one. This kid is... You have a kid across from you who's trying not to cry because he doesn't feel like there's any space for him to. And...

all I wish I could do is like I don't know just take myself to the side and be like we don't have to go through this right now this is not this is not your job to hold the emotional labor of both of these things and again to my mom's like my mom was going through it she did feel like she was a bad mom and I did want to tell her in that moment that she wasn't but I didn't I froze I didn't know how to speak and like

I remember I like the next day they were like, okay, that seemed like a lot for you. And they like, let me like play with the horses. And I was just, and like my mom, like there was a time when I was, it was me and my dad and my mom sitting doing a workshop. And my mom like told my dad something really traumatic from her childhood. And he stood up and stormed out and she ran out to follow him. And then I was just sat there in the room with all the rest of the people like coloring in this workbook. And I didn't cry about these things because I think,

And all of that had become normal was like the more chaos that's happening, the more normal. And so when I was like playing with the horses the next day, I was like, I think I was like, this is nice, but I turned off my feelings. And at like 15, I wish I hadn't done that because it took me such a long time to get to a place where I felt like I could be emotional again and hold that space. Like, and this kid,

He didn't... Yeah, he just... Like, no one was telling him what was okay to feel. Yeah. I have...

spoken to people before and I've had people in my life that have talked to me about how like I think a lot of kids that experience any type of like addiction in their household or abuse you are adultified very quickly because you either need to assume the role of the adult because you need to take care of the addict or if you're getting abused you need to be self-sufficient and you need to find a source of how to continue to live and it

feels like what you're saying is like your family got so good at just like we don't really talk about things things just happen and we move and we and you sitting there hearing what your mom said that was so dramatic and then you're like keep coloring in the line yeah just keep going it was like a literal worksheet and was like just keep going I guess and then go back to school and make sure your grades are up yeah because then I would go back to school and like

that my parents would tell the teachers what had happened, but the teachers would be like, you know, it's really not great that you missed like the past few days. And I would just be like, yeah, like, I don't really know what else to do. I'm just like, my mom's in rehab. I'm coming out. No one seems to like me at school. Like I'm the gay kid. And I think I just became okay with like, nothing was okay. And I started feeling my classes and I was like, yeah, I guess I'm just not meant to like be happy. Like, I think like,

My life is maybe just like, it's just not going to be like some of the other ones. And that's, and like, maybe that's okay. And maybe, um, like, I don't know. There were so many times that I was kind of ready to go because I didn't see an end. And I remember I was like driving home with my dad once, once my mom had gone to rehab, I remember like turning to him in the car and cause everything happened so fast, but also, um,

there was no preparation for when things were going to end. I remember turning to him and being like, mom seems kind of different. Like everything's different, isn't it? He was like, yeah, it is. And then we just kind of like continue driving in silence. And it was just a silent acceptance of like,

That childhood that I was talking about where like we were on top of everything. My mom was on the board of everything. We went to all these amazing things and everyone knew my mom. It was gone like immediately. And I never really got to say goodbye. And I was telling a friend...

the other day about like these car rides where in the morning it was, there was, it was filled with vitriol and I was really scared. And my mom would either be crying or get mad at me because I wasn't sharing enough, which we now know has been like is borderline personality disorder slash bipolar. But then on the rides home, we would have a good time together. And it was like, she was, and she said one time in rehab, she was like, in her rehab, she was like, do you remember how I was always a little happier on the rides home? And yeah,

I realized it was because she was drinking, but I was like, I didn't realize that like, I should have held on to those like seemingly, seemingly like,

mild moments with her, whether they were like, yeah, we can stop by CVS and get, or stop by seven 11 and like get you a slurpee. And I would be like, okay. And this is also the age that I wasn't, I was annoyed by my parents period, regardless of what was happening. So I didn't appreciate it. But if I could have, if I could go back and like, just be in that car with her one more time and like, just like go to seven 11 together. And like, it seems so like it's,

It seems so low-key, like, go to 7-Eleven, but, like, just get a... She would let me, like, pick out a treat. And I didn't know that those were some of the, like, last good moments we were going to have together. And I just wish I did, because I probably didn't appreciate them being, like, an eighth grader who was like, like, thanks. Yeah, I'll grab something. Like, I probably... We probably didn't even, like, talk about it. And that's what's so hard, because...

Right now, I'm doing so many things that when I was a kid, we talked about together. Like, I would always joke to her that like, I'll bring you to, sorry. No. I'll bring you to like, I was a mama's boy. You saw the photos. I was like, I'll bring you to, I loved her so much and I still do. And I would like hold her face and be like, I'm going to take you to every red carpet with me. I'm going to get you a house near me in LA. Okay.

And now I'm, like, doing these things. And she's asked before to, like, come along. And it's just so complicated now because I know... I've been through a lot of therapy and I know boundaries are important. But I wish we could... Like, I know she's going to hear this too. And I do wish we could do those things together. And I do think that we will. But we have a lot of work to do, of course. But...

I know it's not all bad and that like, you know, nothing's like fully lost. And I, I really do trust that we're going to have a relationship again. But if I had known that everything was going to change in eighth grade, I would have held onto it. And I would have like, maybe like, like none of us, just none of us talked as a family. Like my, I mentioned my sister, like she,

We were going through this together and we did not talk about the fact that we were going through it together until my second rehab. Um,

What I cry a lot about these days is like missing what I didn't realize was leaving in the past. But I was going to say, like, I feel like when you're talking about that, like slurpy moment, which is like every kid has that. If you like, again, think of that moment with one of your parents that was so euphoric and perfect.

What you're really talking about is the feeling you got from that moment. It's not the fucking slurpee. It's not the 7-Eleven. It's that feeling with your mother and that like perfect feeling you had and like the closeness you felt with this woman. Unfortunately, when we're kids, we have no fucking comprehension of this woman is 50 something years old. So we're not even there yet.

chris you know what i mean like we're we're we're young right now so the amount of life that woman had lived and the amount that woman sitting in that car to you that memory was so happy but clearly she was fucking struggling right and that's what's so confusing about it too because she retells those times as like that was when i was going through the hard time and like i'm sitting there being like whoa oh like that was like

a good memory we had together. And I'm never on the camp of like, and so drunk her was better her. No, not at all. But like, I'm like, that was so, that was just the mom I had gotten used to as a kid growing up. Yes. And like, I think that is maybe why it's so, I miss those times too, because that was maybe before I started feeling these violations of people sharing things against my will. It all started around that time. So I felt like I was maybe like,

still allowed to be a kid and allowed to be like my loud and angry self. And like, I got into this, this is a bit of a deviation. We'll come back. But like, I got into this field and like felt like this career and felt like I was honoring that kid by like being this loud and like crazy guy. And so that is what makes the hatred against specifically that hurt so much harder because it's like, if it is me receiving it, but it's also like the, the,

um, the like kid in eighth grade who was coping by like being loud and like being a theater kid and like, okay, like every summer, maybe like every time, maybe like being home sucks, but at least I have theater camp every summer. And like, that's what one of my friends said in my intervention. She was like, cause I never got drunk at theater camp and there were people who would, but even in the middle of my addiction, um,

There was a three-week theater camp one summer, and I didn't drink the whole time. And she was like, do you remember that? And I didn't feel like I needed to because theater camp, I was so – I never needed to get drunk the other times. But the moments of me being so expressive and loud are when I'm honoring myself the most or when I'm being my most self. So the more I quiet myself is the more I want to –

be destructive. Like that, this itch turns on in the back of my head. And like, if I'm fully honest, like it definitely turned on over the past month. Like, and a lot of people were being like, I'm worried about his sobriety and I'm not, I'm not like throwing, I'm not about to go like go fucking get drunk. But like, it makes me feel like I want to be quiet. And that all that does is build up this energy. That's like the devil on my shoulder that just wants to like

destroy himself but like you just talked about and this is why I really appreciate you like going through all this with me because there's so many things that are connected of like

You wanting to speak up about first we're talking about your sexuality and then you're like wait I don't think I can do that and then you go inside and then you get you feel like you can't be yourself and it's the same thing with like Going through this at rehab with your mom and you want to speak up and you actually are like no wait I don't want to talk about you being a good mom right now But they're like no no talk about this you go inside and every time you go inward you feel like you're just like abandoning your actual emotions and you're just like what the fuck am I doing and every time you're loud and

what people call it loud every time you're expressing yourself it is that theater kid being like I'm fucking happy I'm myself I'm free I'm enjoying myself but I do before we go into now your journey I do just want to also point out the thing that you were talking about of like being in the car ride with your father and like

realizing everything is different now. I feel like this is just like something, it's not even like a question, it's just a statement for people listening. It's like this whole story so far, something that's very important to take away is like,

We are all fucking lonely when we are isolated and we are not meant to be alone. And so that young fucking kid looking up at his dad while he's driving you home, what you're really asking your dad is like, I'm terrified. Everything is changing. My whole world is falling apart. Help me. But you don't have the tools to do that. And that is on the adults. But again, now we've talked about it, but the adults are fucked up from the abuse they've endured from previous generations. So it's like, this is awful.

all passed down trauma of like generations. But to talk about it on a podcast like this is helpful because if you end up deciding one day you would want to have a family and have children, you will be at least a little bit more cognizant than maybe the previous. And that's all we can fucking do is talk like this. Yeah. And I give so much credit to my dad, even though maybe he didn't know what to say in that moment. Like I'm so... I feel...

I'm not like it was every space for me at that point had become unsafe. I think home wasn't safe. School wasn't safe. Like I learned just to like the most safe was like alone. And I think I slide into that a lot like and I know that's a relatable thing. I'm not saying like, oh, I'm like the only lonely person out here. But I learned like.

No one's on my side. And that's unfair to the people who I know really wanted to be. But that's what I felt in the moment. That's all that I felt. I just felt no one's on my side. And my dad didn't know how to talk to his son who had just came out and who was obviously very depressed but didn't know it. And my dad was also like his life was falling apart, too. Like, I love my dad so much.

And that's another thing we missed out on in those eras was we weren't close, but his marriage of 22 years was falling apart. His wife was in rehab and his kids wouldn't talk to him. He really tried his best as much as I pushed against him. He really tried his best.

He actually is the reason I'm a Swifty. My dad is the biggest Swifty in the world. Maybe not the world, but like... My dad is a fearless era Swifty. When You Belong With Me was happening, like, he was the one who got me onto her. And I'm not lying about that. This is a very secure, straight man. What is your dad's name? Chris. He's also Chris. I'm a junior. Christopher? The original You're A Legend. He is. He is. And like, he...

And that's a way we didn't even know, but we would, like, maybe we would be in silence, but, like... You were bonding. He tried. He really tried. And as, like, a guy who grew up in the South and, like, doesn't... Maybe didn't have, like, a gay guy friend growing up, like, I was a new thing to him. And, like, I'm not here thinking, like, and it should be perfect immediately. But he tried really hard and...

And it's so seen. And like, I love him so much for it. It's like you're talking about, sadly, like the most related... There are tissues over there if you want them. Also feel like I'm all over the place. No, you're doing great. I'm going to be really honest with you. This is like one of the most incredible interviews I've ever had. Thank you. Because you're talking about the most fucking real shit right now. You are talking about like...

The dynamics in a fucking family. Haven't we all been through that? Haven't we all sat in our fucking room and been so fucking upset? And there's different levels to it, but it's like the interpersonal dynamics of like mom, dad, sister, brother, whoever the fuck dealing with your sexuality, dealing with coming out to it.

All of this. Everyone, I'm telling you right now, every single person at home is like, thank you. And you're articulating it so beautifully of like, this is so fucking real. It's so fucking real. And I appreciate you can see you like you're defending your parents, but you're also addressing the pain that has happened in your fucking life. Two things can fucking exist. But I do want to go back to, you said something that was very relatable and I know this led you further.

to something that really affected you and still affects you to this day. But it was like you talking about being alone and you were like, I felt my safest when I was alone. But then when I'm alone, I go internal and it all starts to spiral. Yes. You struggled with alcohol and drugs. Yes. When was the first time you like got drunk?

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struggled with alcohol and drugs. Yes. When was the first time you like got drunk? 14. I was 14. I was with my best friend. Okay. And we, her parents were like at an event that night. We were at her house and we stole some of their alcohol and like,

Got pretty wasted. Yeah. Parents came home and we were fucking messes. And they were like, what is wrong with you? We both got grounded and had to clean out. They had moved into that house like a few months or maybe like a year before that. But there was one room that was all of the storage shit just piled up. And it was their perfect opportunity to be like, you know what you're doing tomorrow? No. All day. You're cleaning out that room. And this was like, there was...

It was about the size of this room. Shit to the ceiling. I was like, hey. So like and listen, I had a fun time when I got drunk when I was 14, but I wasn't like, boom, it's on. Like now it's happening. Like I didn't start. I got drunk a few. But it's also it wasn't like that accessible to me. Yeah. My by the time my mom was an alcoholic, my dad didn't keep alcohol in the house. I didn't have like a fake until like later in high school. Yeah.

allegedly never had a fake. Yeah, no. But, like, I...

It was not accessible to me a lot until junior year of high school when I became really close friends with one of my classmates who lived nearby. And we would go to her house on the weekends. Because in boarding school, you still have to sign out and sign in. You're minors, so they have a lot of liability over you. So we would sign out every weekend together.

Mm-hmm.

Like, I think I thought I was like, oh, I'm just a partier and I like have fun. And like, I probably thought I was like, all I'm doing is like living it up with the girls and doing that when really I'm like passed out in the bathroom, like covered in my own vomit like that. And that happened one one time I was home home at my dad's house and I like stole some alcohol from a friend's house and

It was gin and tequila. I didn't know anything about alcohol. I poured them together into a water bottle, filled it up and just drank it. Like this is a 15 year old doing that. Insane. I didn't know what I had no idea. I was, I was alive for the first like 30 minutes. And then I remember nothing. I remember being on the phone with someone. And then I remember waking up,

like face down on the kitchen floor with vomit all the way down my side. And my dad being like, are you okay? And me being like, yeah, sorry. And running upstairs and getting in bed and then telling my dad the next day, like, I think I must've had a stomach bug and him being like, okay, no. Um, what happened? And I like lied to him about where I got it. I like, you know, I, I,

I tried to find every way to make myself not get in trouble and he would ground me. But this was when my mom was gone. My sister was gone and he had to work all day. So he would ground me at home and find my iPhone and life 360 wasn't a thing at that point. So he would ground me and then go to work and,

I would leave the house. Like, what are you talking about? Grounded. I'm 15 and like I had a bike and would bike everywhere. So it was around then. Like I started, I also started stealing a lot when I was 15, but then I got caught like a year after stealing and really was scared out of never doing it again. But I just started doing everything that was basically like bad behavior. Yeah. And like the first time I ever went to the psych ward was around 15 and

And this is now my mama has gotten sober at this point. She's back, but my parents are divorced. But she has moved away and we see her every once in a while, but not that often. I like broke in to my neighbor's house because we had a key for their house for emergencies. Broke into my neighbor's house, like stole everything.

a laptop that I saw on the table and then like tried to like wipe it and make it my own or something like that. It was right after I watched the movie Spring Breakers. Shut the fuck up. I thought, I'm gonna be a bad bitch and steal a fucking laptop. Like, I don't know what was wrong with me. A lot. A lot. Obviously. Like, we're going through what was wrong with me. I did that. Then that same night, my neighbors call my dad and are like, hey,

We think someone stole something from our house. We know your son is having a lot of issues right now. And there's no break. Like, no one broke in. A key was used. And you guys are the only ones that don't have a key. And I remember I, like, lied to my dad initially and was like, I don't have a key. And then he sat down next to me on the bed and was like,

If we don't find it, they're going to call the police and search the house. And then I silently like went to my closet, grabbed it and handed it over to him. And then I think I like walked calmly into their bathroom and closed the door and like looked at the medication cabinet and was like, what should I take? Because I was like, I can't.

I don't know what I'm supposed to go, how I'm supposed to continue on. Like I just stole from a, my neighbors who, a house that they've trusted me. We were friends with their kids growing up. I got caught stealing earlier. I've I'm already grounded. How do I sleep forever? Um,

And like my dad ended up like, like banging on the door a bunch to the point of me, like me opening it. And it was the first time I ever had a panic attack and was like sobbing, crying. He was like, we have to go. And he took me to the hospital and they put me in the psych ward for the first time. Cause I said, I was like,

But I was at risk to myself. And like, I was honest about that because it was like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. Because again, not a communicative family. I think I was in therapy at that point, but it wasn't like I was really in it. So I was 15 before I really got to regular drinking at 17. Once that started happening... Can I say, when you get out, pause. Of the psych ward. Yes. Are you...

Coming out and are you at all having a conversation with your father or is it kind of just like back to like the regular scheduled programming? I think my parents came to the psych ward at the end of it for like discharge. And they were like, I mean, the psych ward's conclusion was that I have problems with adjustment in life because the therapist, which this therapist like.

don't know how you got your license i'm a 15 year old and he's asking me he is just going through a list of questions and it's like do you get anxious about things and i'm like yeah i do do you have racing thoughts i mean i have a lot of thoughts but i'm not really sure if then you don't and like would he like he never looked up at me was just like checking off and i was like okay and then his conclusion was no diagnosed like he didn't diagnose me with anything he was just like

It sounds like there's been a lot of changes going on. He said this to my parents, like, sounds like there's been a lot of changes going on in with you two. And he's just having trouble with the adjustment to that. Fuck off. And so it was like they also didn't get much closure or clarity from that. So it's just like, this is it. Bye now. And then I think I go back to boarding school the next. And then I went back. Yeah, I went back for my sophomore year and was like.

Like, okay. Thank you for sharing this because I do think it's like you're sharing that you were struggling. You go into the psych ward. They're unable to even like help regulate you or even be like, maybe this kid is fucking depressed. Maybe we need to sit this kid down. Maybe this kid has a substance abuse issue. Whatever it is. Maybe let's.

chill for a second and all have many many many conversations to help this child which just makes me so fucking sad for so many fucking kids go through this where it's like all you fucking wanted someone to do was pay the fuck attention to you and ask what do you need how can we help how can we support you let's all come together let's maybe not have you go back to school for a minute let's actually like there were so many things that like could have happened

but they didn't and then you're at this boarding school and you're also abusing alcohol do you start using drugs in college or high school drugs like college because yeah there wasn't much access to them in high school but in college you know and I also went to college at Berkeley in Boston so that's like so many colleges there so like

The drugs are around if you want them. I'm 26. I have to remember. I'm 26. You're like, where am I? Yes. Oh, my God. So we probably were in Boston, like, right overlapping. I'm – I just – I was 29. So I just turned 30. So, like, BU. Where did you go to college again? Oh, my God. Yes. Yes.

And Berkeley and BU are like right next to each other. I would go see shows at BU all the time. Like that is crazy. That is crazy. Yeah. But as you know, Boston is college. Boston is just one huge college. And you're in a city. And you're also meeting people out of college that have access to drugs. Like, oh, I remember seeing it all. Out of college who like oddly want to hang around a lot of college kids. And you're like.

And now we realize we're like, that was weird. When you're in it, you're like, oh, yeah, my like 30 year old friends. And you're like, oh, shit, that was actually really kind of fucked up. So you're drinking one day and this is in college. You walk into your kitchen and your entire family and your friends are there to give you an intervention. The drinking, I got to the point where I couldn't go to sleep sober.

And I would cry all the time when I was drunk, which was the indicator of like, I, as we said, I learned how to not feel sober. So I was crying all the time drunk. So I, everything had gotten to, and I was also like doing a bunch of other drugs, anything. So I wouldn't be sober. Yeah. So I walk into my kitchen and my entire family is there. It's like my mom, one of my family friends, moms, my aunt, my uncle, my dad, my

my sister, two of my best friends from college and an interventionist. And I walked in and I just sat down. Like I didn't protest. I knew what was happening, but I also didn't know that the deal was, and now you have to go to rehab today. Basically it's like at an intervention, you sit down and everyone reads how you're,

alcoholism and addiction has impacted you them and it's very emotional and people who aren't there also send in letters so like my grandma my Filipino grandma who's been in a bunch of my tiktoks had to send in a letter and all that stuff and then they finish it with like and so now we need you to go to Florida to rehab today and I remember being like oh well I can't like I have to finish school like let me finish the school year and I'll go this summer like let me do a summer rehab you guys like

this is fucking with the plan. And then the interventionist is like, okay, are you refusing help? And I was like, yeah. And then he was like, okay, everyone turned to the next page.

Next page in their packets is how I'm no longer in their lives. And everyone goes around saying you will no longer exist to us. Like I've cut you off financially. I will not respond to a single text. I'll not do anything. It's going around and he gets my sister and she breaks down and it's just like, don't let dad read his letter. And my dad started crying too. And as I've said, my dad like rarely cries and seeing him cry. I just knew at that point what it was. It was like, you're going to be homeless. Um,

and cut off from the family. You'll never be like, I will be alone. And as I said, I felt alone was safe, but like, I could not be that. Like I knew it was, I was backed it. I was forced into it in a good way. Like I needed to go to rehab, but that was the end of it. Oh. And my, my aunt was there. One of my aunts who is now, she passed away a year after I got sober. Um,

but she was also there. And like, I think her like breast cancer had come back around that time. So she was there. Um, and like seeing her there saying how confusing it was to see me go through. This was also heartbreaking at its time, but I was not surprised when the intervention happened, I was really destructive and like crying when I was drunk, angry. When I was drunk, I would yell at my friends. Like if they wanted to help me, I would like push them away. I was like, so, um,

I was letting out, I think, all of the feelings that from 15 on I had learned to not feel when I said don't feel. And then when you're drunk, it just comes out. It just comes out.

So you go to rehab and I remember reading, like you said, after getting sober, things didn't just completely change overnight. Like you still lightly were participating in activities that you weren't proud of. Yeah. What patterns like with yourself were you kind of like still engaging in? Like, well, when I went to rehab, when I stopped drinking.

A month in, I lost, like, 25 pounds because of, like, the literal, like, alcohol flushing out of my body, basically. And I started going to the gym. So I got in shape. And I was, like, I had gotten male attention in a way that I hadn't received it before. And, like, it's a slippery slope once you're sober because it's really easy to get addicted to anything else. And so I think, like...

My sexuality is what I leaned into. And, like, I was, like, posting thirst traps all the time on Instagram, doing that shit. Like, I was, like, just being... I was just trying to... Like, that was my...

That was what my, like, addiction turned into, was, like, that and also, like, using my sexuality for control and power and feeling like, oh, I have worth. That's what it was. I was placing my worth in that. And so that resulted in, like, activity that I didn't like, whether it was, like, sending pictures to people that I shouldn't have or pictures or videos or some shit like that. But also even saying that, like...

I don't blame myself for those moments because we've all done like to a certain degree, something like that. But it had gotten to a point where it was like I was doing it at a level where like I knew it was past what I when I was logically thinking was comfortable with. Like when I was walking around day to day, I was like, I don't like that. This is kind of what I'm doing.

Like, if I'm really honest with myself, I think around that time, if OnlyFans had been as big, that's what... I probably would have done that. But, like...

I didn't. And, like, then that's not, like – again, that's not a slight to anyone who does OnlyFans. Live your dreams. But, like, at that era, right after becoming sober, was not something I should have been playing with. But I leaned into it because I was also really used to doing the wrong thing often. Right. Like, you're – I get what you're saying. It's, like, you can't just go from –

one thing that you're like, yes, that you have an addiction to, to being like, okay. And so it's like, in a way it's like working out and like leaning into embracing your sexuality and sending these things like at first glance could be like, yes, Chris, like this is good. Lean it. But then it's also like, again, you started to take it too far to the point where your brain is like, should I stop or should I keep going? And, and how,

Where do I know when I'm empowering, but also like, I kind of feel icky when I'm doing this stuff and who am I doing this for? And am I looking for validation? It's all over the place. Relatable. Like I have had so many fucking moments that I look back on as a young girl being like, why did I send that picture? Why did I send that video? Some of it was because I was getting pressured. Some of it is because it made me feel better about myself because I felt wanted or desired or whatever it was like. Yeah.

I think we all go through a phase of that. It doesn't have to be sending pictures and videos, but whether you lean into a hookup that you're not as into or you put up with something that you weren't interested in because it made you feel cooler because the person, whatever it is. Right, right. We all go through it. Let's talk about the photos and videos that brings us now full circle that just leaked online.

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Let's talk about the photos and videos that brings us now full circle that just leaked online. You said that they came from a non-consensual experience with a photographer. How did this shoot come to be? So at that point, when I was posting these like fitness photos on social media, like fitness photos, they're thirst traps, I'm honest. Like I was posting like a lot of like body pics and photographers would reach out, be like, can we work together? And like,

we'll just mutually post each other like we're not paying each other or something like that and I was like yeah sure great and like the first few that I did were just that like there are there are some wonderful photographers out there that I'm like still friends with that I had a good time but like there was a point at which I did one and at the start of it he asked me to like sign a release and I had never seen a release before in my life this is pre any content so I was like

really like know what this is but he was like oh you just have to like in order for us to start we have to do that I was like I don't remember like doing that with anyone he was like you can read it if you want but like most people don't he's making it seem like so I was like oh okay so I was like and I'm also like this like 19 year old who's kind of like I'm like I don't want to like upset this older guy so let me just sign like what what's the worst that can happen let me get it over with and then we're like taking photos and it it

Gets to a point where he is like asking a little bit more than I had been comfortable with. And then that I had wanted to do. But again, I,

What I learned over those past few years is the best thing you can do is not feel too loudly about something. So just like quietly do what is going to cause the least noise because I've had too much noise in my life already. Everything I do causes noise. So, okay, I'll continue. And when it finished, like I didn't directly, I think I went back into, uh,

don't feel mode it was like whatever okay and then like maybe a month later was the first time someone dm'd me and was like love this pic and i was like how did that how did you get and it was he sent me the photo and i was like how did he get that and then i asked the photographer and he was like oh yeah it's on my like one of my sites and

And I was like, okay, would you mind taking that down? Like, I didn't know you were going to put that up there. I don't feel comfortable. He was like, well, you signed the release for it. I can take it down, I guess. But, like, he essentially just made me feel like I'll do you the favor, maybe. And I was like, okay, like, I'm sorry. I ended up apologizing. And then it was out and –

Like it was, I didn't have a big platform at the time. So I was like, whatever, this made me feel really icky, but like someone has it and that's fine. But then I get this platform with a significant other and people are then DMing him these photos and me and this stuff. And I'm like, the best thing to do is ignore. Like I can't cause attention, call attention to it. The best thing to do is pretend like it's not happening because I'm

Maybe not that many people are seeing it or something like that. So I went to one of the Twitter pages of the people who had posted that photo, but also other ones. There are so many out that I'm like, not so many. Don't look. Then I was like, where did these all come from? So I find this guy who had tweeted them and I DMed him and was like, hey, do you mind taking those down? And he blocks me.

So then I just Google his Twitter name and go on not signed in because you can still do that. And he tweets, I'm going to take Chris's photos down in 30 minutes. Download them now. And so I was like, it's over. Like in this guy had like not he had like like, I don't know, 40,000 followers or something. It was enough that I was like.

It's done. And then he unblocks me, DMs me back, just took them down. And I was like, I saw what you said and I reported you. And he was like,

dude, I'm just a 20 year old kid. Like this is the only thing I have. You're going to take away the only thing I have. And I was like, I can't. And then I didn't respond because I was like, I, there's no, there's no conversation to be had with you. Um, but at that point it was out and I knew maybe don't address it for as long as I can. But then I think it was that it was the, the leaking photos. And now people DMing me being like,

Why did you do that shoot? Did you think like those were going to look good? Did you think you were going to like hang them up in your house? Like I can never look at you the same, all of that shit. And I was like, okay. So people also don't know why it's even happened. Like they, there's a different idea of why this is out and this is all happening paired with the annoying comments that had just started being louder and louder after like months of hearing that over and over again. And like, I'm saying like these comments of like,

I hate him and he is the most annoying creator ever. They were getting like 60,000 likes. If it was one comment and they had one like, I would be like, Chris, you're hurting yourself. But these were the top of the comment section, loud as fuck. So these two things paired together is what was leading up to then.

Me feeling like, okay, me ignoring it has not worked. Like, it's getting there. And I know that when I post a video about it, I'm still going to draw more eyes to it than are probably already there. But I actually don't care. I don't care. Right. If you want to go look it up, that's on you at this point. 100%.

If someone goes and searches that, I had the same thing with Madison Beer when people were like, well, wait, I can't find it. What is wrong with you? Did you not hear the story? Did you not just hear the story of you literally going through something so traumatic? This is getting leaked. And now the first perverse thing people are thinking is like,

Where can I click? Shame on you. Go fuck yourself. You have an actual problem with yourself if you're wanting to see this shit. And that's the search on every single one of the posts is Chris Wilson photos. And I'm like, disgusting. Yeah. Good for you guys. Have fun. Like, but I was like, I actually, the violation is there. I feel violated. It's out. How much worse can it get by me telling you how this makes me feel now? Because I think like there is too much of this, uh,

idea that we're supposed to like remain unfazed and like be like that bitch and be like, you guys can't touch me. I'm the one like up here. I'm the one in LA. It's like, no, I don't, I actually don't even feel like that. As I said, I feel like the six year old or the 12 year old or the 15 year old that everyone is pointing and laughing at right now. And I'm going to share how this makes me feel. And I, I,

posted two of those videos in the morning. And then my friend came over because we had a work session together that day. And he like walks in and I hadn't cried yet. I was just so fucking angry. And my plan originally was find every negative comment about me, click on each one of their pages, find out everything about them and make like a 20 part series about each one of them and tear them apart. I was driving home and I was like, I'm,

But that's not me. Like, that is not me. And I started out that day with the breakdown being like,

I'm the one with the, like, I'm the one with the career, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then my friend comes in and he's like, is everything okay? And I just start sobbing for like 30 minutes. And I'm like, this is the truth of the feeling. I'm not, I don't want to clap back at you. I just want to show you how sad this makes me feel and how insane this will drive someone. I appreciate you sharing that because I think it's like, listen, there are the people on the internet right now that are creators, right? And then the more and more that people keep

them and hurting them and bullying them, they'll eventually prevail or they'll go away. Right. Literally, literally go away or actually just decide to step back. Right. Because sometimes we've seen both angles. Right. And then someone new will pop up. And that person that was new is one of the people that's currently in the comments that maybe doesn't have any followers right now. And so that person pops up. We've all started from zero.

And so the people that pop up get these platforms and I, it makes me sad and I wish I could explain it. I wish someone could just like live in it for two seconds where it's like, people wonder why people change on the internet. People wonder why when you're talking about editing yourself, Chris, I have sat and watched myself for almost seven years and been like,

I thought that was funny, but I know I'll probably get shit for it. And people will think I'm like, try harder cringe. So I'm going to take it out. And it's like, I am try hard and cringe because I am the girl that's in the basement making the most embarrassing videos in my basement. Cause I was getting bullied and I was like, this makes me happy. So when I am extra and when I am trying to be confident, I'm not actually confident half the time. I'm faking it to make myself remember, like, this is what makes you feel confident is,

putting yourself out there. So every time someone brings us down, it is, you're right. It is the young kid that loved this. And now it's becoming not as fun because people can't just let anyone fucking live and people succeeding. It threatens people. It upsets them, whatever it is. I just think it's important to recognize like the reason that internet personalities or celebrities change, the reason that everyone shifts is because of this is because

let's keep it real being annoying is not a crime it's not so it's like it upsets me that like the oversaturation of social media there's a new bar at which we we judge people and like how bad we judge them it's like wait you're mad because like she did something a little cringe and like try harder like not girls girl in it like

bro, like, right. Come on. Right. And like, I kill herself. You should kill it. Like, right. How did we get there? How did we get there? And it's exactly what you were saying of like, we're, we're loud on the internet because that feels like our place where we can express ourselves. And we feel like,

I am not that way 95% of the time. Not that I'm like fully putting on a character, but like I am, I'm trying to bring out my most joyous self when I'm online. And like, we all fucking know how shit it feels to be put down, to feel like shit.

Which I just, but then I don't have people in my life who react by then putting other people down publicly. Yeah. We all talk shit. There are creators I don't like. There are creators I find so annoying. Same. But you will never catch me saying that online because I don't want them to see it and I don't want them to be taken down. Problematic is a different story. Yeah. But like annoying, I just scroll. Yeah. And like I don't have people in my life who react.

at least I think, who comment on their pages how much they hate them. And so I don't, I can't like relate to these people. I can't under, I can't like, I think I try to do a good job at having empathy and like putting myself in someone's shoes. So I try to put myself in the shoes of someone who just commented, he can literally die or he, this man is the ugliest man I've ever seen. Or like he will win at an untalented competition every time. And I'm like, I actually like,

don't know anyone who would do that. So I don't know how I can like, I can't relate to you. No, nor do I even, I actually don't even really want to. And like, yes, I can socialize myself into being like, and you're a loser, but I'm still going to be sad about it. Yeah.

About what was said. Of course, it always hurts. Like I used to say, like, it doesn't affect me. And I was like lying because I thought maybe it would like make me seem better. Of course, it affects me. I want to be liked. I literally am a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I want people to like want to be around me. I want to entertain people. But at what expense of like these comments? Yeah. I also think something that everyone can relate to. And that really makes me upset for you is the moment in the photo shoot when you're like just.

go with it because it's better than to what make him upset and it was a complete also like abuse of power and so it's like I know you wrote or you said on social media like I have to acknowledge that I never said no and I want to say to you in my personal opinion I don't think you have to deliberately say no because

In a situation like that where it's so clear there is a power dynamic that is being abused. Yeah. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. But I also want to say to everyone listening, like how many fucking times have we been in a situation where everyone is like, why don't you just leave?

Why didn't you say no? It is so fucking complicated. And the fear... A hundred percent. There's so much mentally that goes into it that actually the concept of saying no in most moments, you can already go to, he's going to hurt me. He could literally fucking kill me. He could do whatever it is. You don't know. No, I don't know at all. And like, I...

That is why I did want to make the point of, like, I know there's not, like, that much accountability to take as the 19-year-old in this situation. And I know they're out there because I didn't say no. And, yes, there should have been maybe someone helping guide me more in that scenario or –

Maybe the guy could have sensed that I didn't want to do it, but it's out there. And that was another point of my video was like, I know there's accountability to take for me. And that's why I'm saying now I would just like you guys to not seek out those photos or consume them. I know they're out there. I know a lot of it is my doing. And I know I can take accountability for the fact that they're out there, even if it feels a little invasive and abusive that they're out there. I'll own that part. I will own it.

But I'm asking you today to not do that. If I didn't say no, then I'm saying no now. And so now if you're seeking it out, I've said no. And that's, that is the most I can do in this scenario. And like, it's exactly what we said earlier. Like,

That was all I could do. And I know I don't have the power over everyone. And there's a lot of shitty people in the world. And a lot of people did probably end up looking at them after that. But I had to know that was going to like I had to just accept that. And I did. I did. Because like I at that moment, I cared more about like healing the kid in me. Yeah.

Who felt like something of his was shared unconsensually for the first time. It's been like a big theme of our conversation at that point. I just wanted to go back to him and just be like, we can say that it's not fair that things are getting shared. Because up until that moment, when my mom had been told that I came out that... And I didn't want that. I hadn't said...

I didn't like that. That got to you first. Like any of those moments I had not said no or held up a boundary. And like, this is, I think the first year in my life that I am holding up boundaries and,

And sticking with them. And it's really hard, especially being a person who learned to not ruffle feathers and to be quiet is the safest option normally. Holding boundaries sometimes requires you to be loud and a little bit aggressive. And that is really hard and scary. But like...

The payoff that comes from it is like invaluable at the end of the day. It is. And I also think something I'm taking from this is like daddy gang watching this and listening to this. Like, please put yourself in Christopher's shoes right now of like the little kid who is like,

there in Maryland struggling the person that's a man sitting in front of me today like when you when your like human instinct is like oh like should I go like just quickly look

Imagine if it was you. Imagine if you were sitting in this chair across from me begging people, please do not violate me again. I have been violated enough. I was violated in that experience. I was taken advantage of in that experience. I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't say no. I'm saying no now. Please do not just for your entertainment at home quickly go peak because it literally is going against everything in humanity that we're talking about is like have some fucking respect because guess what? You would fucking want it to. You would.

You would. And I don't want the world to make me small again. I just found out how to be big, like with this platform for the first time in my adulthood, I have tried to make myself small my entire life. Since things started happening when I was 14 and 15, I learned be quiet and be small and that's how you'll be safe. And over these past four years on social media, I finally learned how to be big and I can feel the world trying to make me small again and

And I can't let that happen. And I don't want to because he deserves, he deserves it. Bitch. No, I just like, I appreciate you saying that. And like this conversation has been truly incredible. And I appreciate you coming on here and like opening up the amount that you did, because I know it's not fucking easy. And like I said earlier, I know this drags in, like I've dragged in my family, you're dragging, like there's so much that goes into it. However,

We're seeing one glimpse of what was going on on the internet right now of someone exploiting you. But you giving us this backstory of like this fucking journey you have been on of like trying to get to a place where you can be like, I am standing up for myself. I'm creating boundaries. I'm becoming healthy again. Like you talking about like this has been a journey and you thinking about like, God, my sobriety. I'm so proud of you. How many? Five years? Almost seven in September. Yeah.

It's like crazy. I've tripled the time that I was like a really crazy alcoholic in sobriety now. And so congratulations to you. And I appreciate it's like you standing up here and saying all these things. It's like, I think all of us can relate to like wanting to be that fun spirited, like un-

tainted self when we were younger like we all know who we are and half of it we're not able to show because of judgment because of people being like oh you're being annoying or you're being this why can't we all just fucking accept that like of course we're all annoying yes we're all trying to figure out we all of our demons we all have our trauma and we're all acting a specific way because of x yes

So like I think the next time you see someone on social media, maybe you think is being a little cringe or annoying. Maybe reserve the fucking mean comments and actually ask yourself like, I wonder what that person has gone through. Yeah, right. Exactly. Because half the people that are social media personalities are so fucked up. We've all been through fucking crazy shit that we're just looking to connect. Yes. And that's exactly it. Like all of us are in this cycle.

or in this job because we wanted to make people happy because we spoke to people and they responded in a good way and that's all we wanted to do. Yeah. And now listen to this entire fucking interview and this is literally a testament. Anytime you go to fucking judge someone, think of this interview and be like, damn, you don't even know the fucking half of it. Right. Chris, I love you. I love you. You are amazing.

even better than I could have imagined. As are you. The reason I am like, was able to, you keep saying this was such an amazing conversation. And I agree because the reason I was able to get there and feel this way is because of the like space you create and who you are as a person too. And I write a little bit about that in your birthday card, even before I like, cause I wrote it knowing that we had not met. Oh my God. You're like, I hope this goes in a bit. I put a part, like I put a part of that in there too, but I like,

After watching so much content of your show, too, is like I think for the people who are longtime daddy gang and have consumed content of you, like it shows that you create space that's safe enough to be to share this stuff and to be vulnerable because you have also been so vulnerable on the Internet for so long. Thank you. And you wouldn't be in the position you are now.

Without sharing those hard parts of yourself. That open yourself up to be picked apart. By people. And for people to like hate. All the different parts of you. I really appreciate you taking the time. I have been truly so impressed with you. And I cannot wait to see what you continue to do. You're so talented. And we love you here. And the Daddy Gang loves you. And we support you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming on. I love you.

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