Cheers Bitches - Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder
46:39 Share

Daddy gang, what's up fuckers? It is your father. I am here to feed you. You guys are always asking for more content. And so I present to you another podcast, episode one of Extra Dirty. You guys just listened to Halle Batchelder on Call Her Daddy and now she's officially launching her own podcast. I am so excited for you guys to go on this journey with Halle. I am...

obsessed with her. She has the craziest stories. She lives in New York City and I just know it is about to be a wild ride. So enjoy, sit back, relax, and maybe have a cocktail for this one. Listen to the first episode of Extra Dirty. Enjoy.

All right, Daddy Gang, you guys have probably heard of period underwear, but many of you probably haven't actually tried them because maybe you have a lot of unanswered questions, okay? Maybe you're like, how do you wash them? Will they stain my clothes? Well, for those of you who get your period, you need to give Hanes Comfort Period Underwear a try. It is the best-selling brand of period underwear, and it costs less than $20 for a

pack of three. Now I want to answer some of your questions because I had the same questions in the beginning, right? Yes, you can wash them with your laundry. No, they don't smell. And yes, they're designed to prevent leaks and work for heavy flow too. No, they won't feel wet. Yes, you can work out in them or sleep in them at under $20 for a pack of three. Why not see for yourself and pick up a pair of Hanes Comfort Period at Hanes.com or any major retailer. Plus you can use promo code

Daddy for 20% off on Hanes.com. That's promo code daddy for 20% off on Hanes.com.

Tinder is giving you the best gift of all this season. Time. Daddy gang, you don't have time to scroll through the thousands of photos you took this year. Tinder's new photo selector tool to go through all those photos at once and curate a profile that shows off your best features like your glowing personality. It is here. Spend more time finding new connections and the

perfect gift for your mom. Explore all possibilities for yourself. Tinder, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today. Hi, my little fucking freaks. Okay, guys, I'm doing something really fucking stupid right now. We have an emergency debrief situation. Hi, this is Hallie from the streets of New York. I had every intention of staying in last night.

Welcome to my podcast. Welcome to Extra Dirty. I'm so fucking excited to be here with you guys. I know it's taken a minute. I know it's taken a long minute. But guys, perfection takes time. I wasn't gonna come out with something that's like fucking shitty and like I would have to redo and like it was kind of ass, like whatever. I wanted this to be perfect for you guys. Like I was just being a woman of the people at this point, okay? This podcast is gonna be so graphic, so horrendous, so dirty, so slutty. You're

Please keep your AirPods on when you're listening to this podcast. I will say, do not listen to it at church. Do not listen to it at a classroom. Do not listen to it in front of your parents unless your dad is single. Please.

For the love of God. Strap in. We're going to have a fucking fun time. I'm so happy to be here. It's going to be epic. I like might get canceled. Okay. But if I do get canceled, guys, I want to be canceled for like a really hot, controversial athlete or maybe some like hedge fund guy that's gotten arrested. I don't know, like something interesting, but like not too deep.

We'll get into that later. But anyways, welcome to Extra Dirty. This podcast will not only be Extra Dirty, but probably most of the time I'll be still like living on the fumes of my night before as I have consumed like 100 Extra Dirty martinis. Like they'll still be in my system as I sit here and talk to you guys.

If you guys don't know me, you know, I kind of just like fell into social media. I started posting on TikTok like a year, a year and a half ago. And honestly, I was just making that platform more of like my private story. Honestly, I was like, no one's like being honest on this fucking platform. Like no one's like telling the truth or like.

showing any flaw at all. Everything's just like a perfect little like clean girl aesthetic image of what their life is. And that is just not what life's about. Life is fucking rough. Anyways, all that shit was very short formatted content. And I was like, I feel like I could yap for hours about like what's going on in my mind. So here we are. Another fake blonde.

With a podcast, I apologize, but like here we are, like I'm not that mad. I feel like on TikTok, I'm so like ambiguous, like what's going on with my like love life. I'm very good about like, you know, dropping little hints there and here. Like I definitely sleep around a

And I make that known, but I'm never like name dropping. I'm not like a fucking weird freak. So the thing is like with what I do and like me just talking and doing like debriefs online, like I have a lot of men being like, I want to stay as far away from this bitch as humanly possible because at fear I might talk about them online. I will. But like, I'm only going to talk about you if you give me something like to talk about. Usually like these men, they piss me off and they think they can do whatever. Hi. Sorry, I'm here to talk about it.

why not so what is going on in my love life right now my most recent conquest i call them conquests because what else are they i made the mistake of hooking up with this man he was in the entertainment industry which by the way stays humanly far oh wait am i in that wait i'm considered this is the entertainment industry right

Oh, fuck. He was in the entertainment industry and like red flag number one. I feel like those men are just super narcissistic. Their egos are bigger than my fake tits. Like it's just a lot of narcissism. Let's call him Old Spice. I'm going to give a code name for the man. Let me wet my whistle before I tell this fucking story. ASMR.

Also guys look at my coaster it says cock all right let's talk about it okay so I met this guy we got introduced in the middle of the summer whatever and he was fucking hot like he was sexy and honestly I don't regret a fucking thing because of how sexy he was and I'm the type of girl that I see a hot guy and say we connect I will sleep with that man that night.

And I don't feel bad about that. I feel like that's pretty normal, but just no one says that. Like that's okay. And I don't see why that's frowned upon. I feel like that's good work ethic. Like you see your pride, go get it. Like go get it. So anyways, we met. He wouldn't sleep with me upon first meet, which is probably a green flag for him. I'll give him that. Probably a red flag for me that I was super pissed off about it. So I never thought I'd see this man again. Anyways, I get a phone call like two days later.

two days after I mean I never thought I would talk to this man again and I missed two phone calls like from this man I was like okay some he must got like in a car accident I don't know what happened so I go is everything okay like I was in the middle of moving whatever and he was like no I just want to hear your beautiful voice I'm like this voice this vocal fry you gotta be fucking kidding me from then on we started talking he would call me for like two hours

every night and I don't talk on the phone. I'm also like a horrible fucking texter. Like text me if you're making plans or if someone died or if a baby was made. But other than that, like, please do not bother me. So anyways, we would talk on the phone because this man was fucking hot. So we would talk on the phone for two hours a night and he would tell me all these stories. He'd be like, what's your hobbies, baby? Yeah. And I was like, hobbies? I don't have fucking hobbies. I go out, I drink a little and then

I do what I need to do to make money. And then I watch reality TV and rock in peace. But anyways, he called me up and he goes, I wrote this beautiful short story about you and you were my muse. And I'm like, what the flying fuck are you talking about? But anyways, obviously I wanted to hear the story. Guys, the story was the most insane thing I've ever fucking heard of. Honestly, I hope it goes into production because it's

what? So this is the story you told me. He goes, so like this couple, they meet on a farm. This guy works at a gun range. He teaches people. I'm just giving you guys the bullet points. He teaches people how to shoot guns, essentially, whatever they get set up. They go on a date and she's like, what do you do? He's like, I shoot guns. She's like this prim and proper bitch. And she's like, oh, like I hate guns. Like I'm so scared of guns, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They fall in love, whatever. He goes to work and she starts like

stealing the guns out of his cabinet and starts like fucking ourselves with the gun and i was like i don't understand how we got how am i the muse i was like how how am i the muse to this fucking story i do not understand but anyways this girl is stealing this man's guns taking them out of the cabinet and using them as a big fucking massive rifle dildo

I was like, okay, continue. The end of the story is he walks back into his apartment or his ranch. I don't know. They're on a fucking ranch. And she's fucking herself with the fucking massive rifle. And he's like, what the fuck? And she's like, oh my God, caught off guard and accidentally pulls the trigger and blows her head off through her body out of her head. I was like...

He likes me. Oh my God. I was like, what the actual fuck? It was the weirdest thing ever. But honestly, me being the person I'm demented to in the head, I was like, this might be a match made in heaven. Anyways, he invites me. Let's call it Canada. He invites me to Canada. Okay. Beautiful old Canada. I go, okay, let me just grab my fur. Let's go. And I stay out there for like a week or so. And we eventually, like the first night we didn't hook up.

But he brought me to this weird ass three hour cinematic movie masterpiece and then just drops me off my hotel. And I was like, I did not fly and take a kayak and a train and a bus and roller skates to get here for you to not fuck me. So now I was pissed. And I was like,

What is this? I feel like I was getting punked. I was waiting for production to pop out with their little cameras and be like, what the flying fuck? But no. The next day, he was like, I have to build rapport with someone before I engage in sexual activity. And I was like, okay, we get it. Take your pants off. It was getting frustrating just because I was like, I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way. I paid for the hotel. I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way for us to not be doing cartwheels in your bedroom.

So anyways, the second night and all the nights from there on, we ended up hooking up and it was fucking crazy. Like he had studio grade bondage equipment in his drawers that looked like they had tags on them. Like, I don't know if he went to Home Depot and purchased all this for me. Like, oh my God, I was so flattered. But holy hell, this man had put me in a hog tie. Do you know what a hog tie is? Production? Yeah. You know what it is? Like, it's like, hold on. So he had me like this.

So it's like this. And it was like, call her daddy is brought to you by Shopify. Okay. Daddy gang. If you are a business owner, you are someone that is selling product. Let me just talk about this for a second. Okay. Because it has literally changed my life. I remember when I first started selling call her daddy merchandise and I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what do I, what do I, what do I do? How do I do this? I'm a business owner. Oh my God.

Shopify. Okay. Shopify is a commerce platform that allows you to start, grow and manage a business just like mine. It's the one commerce platform behind the big brands you know and love. Whether it's a side hustle that you have or it's a storefront with Shopify, you can sell online and in person locally and globally, direct or wholesale, desktop to mobile. Shopify can also help you scale and keep a tab on things effortlessly and

At any time, you can open Shopify on your phone or laptop and see where your customers are shopping from. I remember it was so fun. I opened the map setting when I first did my first like solo drop of Call Her Daddy merch. And I was like, oh my God, we have Daddy Gang all over the world. And it is so, so, so cool. I love Shopify. So Daddy Gang, if you are ready to build your own empire, whether it's merch, products, or the next best idea, get on shopify.com slash daddygang.

and make it happen.

It's the holiday season and I want you guys creating a flawless holiday party lip look with Burt's Bees lip balm and color. Here's the thing. You know me. I love Burt's Bees. I have been putting that on my lips since I basically came out of the womb, okay? That is no joke. And if you really know me, you know specifically I'm always rocking with the pomegranate lip balm, okay? It makes the ultimate difference.

base for a high glam lip, or you can serve up a more natural look with the tinted lip balm. Regardless, if you really want to make a holiday moment, you guys are using Burt's Bees. Also, if you really want to bump it up and go bold, you can go straight to the Lip Shimmer for a little, ooh,

frosty champagne shimmer holidays. Let's go. Here's the thing, guys. You know me. I'm obsessed. And Burt's Bees has gift sets this year. The mistletoe kiss set and they have holiday minis, tinted lip balm sampler. They have everything you could possibly need if you are stuck on a gift or you just want to gift yourself. Because guess what? I will be gifting myself many, many, many Burt's Bees gift sets this year. So daddy gang, are you ready?

Get set. Let's head over to Burt's Bees. Also, just get yourself the pomegranate. I'm telling you, I literally put it on my lips every single day and I like it because it doesn't feel like a lipstick, but it looks a little bit like a lipstick. We love it. Anyways, Daddy Gang, use code DADDY on Burt's Bees dot com for 20% off and a free gift with purchase this month. That's code DADDY on Burt's Bees dot com. Exclusions may apply.

So he had me in a hog tie like this and I couldn't move. And then he had this extension bar. Like, you know how you put like shades up or whatever. It's like a pole they put in between your legs. I don't know what this angle looks like, by the way. So you put this pole between your legs. And if you move your legs a little more out, you can't go back in. So I dislocated my hip. I literally think I tore my ACL, but it was the craziest. I honestly, I would do it again. Honestly, Mr. Old Spice, you can call me anytime.

you'll always have a seat at my table. But anyways, that ended tragically for a plethora of reasons. For me, long distance, there's just like, I feel like a physical aspect of relationship is so important. Yes, the emotional connections also fine. But also, I just don't think I have enough emotional maturity. I'm very self-aware, but like I'm very

and I guess like I have very low emotional IQ. So I just think long distance for me wouldn't work because I would be plotting how to pick fights with someone that's in a different time zone, like all day long, just for like my own entertainment. I don't think it was a right fit, not because he was the wrong person. I think I just have like a lot of growing to do, which you'll probably see on this podcast. Like I'm probably gonna come off as a fucking mess most of the time. I'm not gonna tell you like, this is how you should be doing things.

Honestly, if anything, this is how you should not be doing things maybe but it's entertaining and It's the truth enough of that nonsense guys. Let's go back into the nitty-gritty I want to get into my childhood the origin story people need to understand the lore the true lore How did I become this product and honestly a lot of it goes back? To childhood a lot of people don't know this as a child. I was super fucking chubby like it was really cute, but like

not during the time period where sugar lips were really popular. I was the youngest in my grade, the last to hit puberty, like all of that stuff. So I remember like all my friends were like so petite and skinny and blah, blah, blah. And I was this like chunky monster, like little chunkster with a boy haircut because, you know, my mom has a really short, cute little pixie haircut. And we thought that would look really cute on me. It doesn't look really cute on a nine-year-old that's a little obese or

Um, also like maybe don't get that right before you attend an all girls Catholic school. I remember my first day, fifth grade, I walked into the school and Mr. Fucking Helm. Yeah. Shout out Mr. Helm. I'll always remember this. He goes, Oh, where's your sister?

Fuck you, Mr. Helm. Like that stayed with me forever. I was super chubby. So honestly, I felt like the way I was able to make friends was through like being funny. I feel like my sense of humor had to carry because my looks weren't like people weren't my friend because I was like this hot, cute little like thing. Wait, is that weird to say about a nine year old? I don't.

Like I was like not a popular girl. I wasn't popular because I was like pretty. I was popular because I was funny and I was kind and I was able to make friends with everyone. But I remembered in eighth grade was when I first got really skinny.

We had a little bit of an eating issue there. I got really thin and it was the first time boys recognized me. It was the first time I made friends with like the cool girls in my grade. So from that point on, I attributed like being super thin to having value as a person, someone that you could be friends with.

which started this whole other fucking series of drama. We'll get into that on another date. But yeah, anyways, high school, I had one boyfriend. He was at the brother. I went to an all girls Catholic school. Like how fucking ironic that is. I'm sitting on a podcast called extra dirty and I went to an all girls Catholic school for eight years.

PSA to all the parents watching, don't send your child to an all-girls Catholic school. It's like caging a wild animal and then releasing them into college. Like, I turned ho because of that. The thing that is interesting about, like, the all-girls Catholic school lore is, like, I went to that school for eight years. I'm not even Catholic. I don't even... I'm Protestant. I'm a CEO. I'm a Christmas, Easter-only type of bitch. Okay? Like, that church, like...

A church hates to see me coming. Like, trust me on that. Like, I've literally had sex in a church parking lot. Like, I am not like your typical Catholic school girl. Maybe like the kind of Catholic school girl you see in pornos. But like, I'm not your typical like prim and proper like Blair Waldorf type of bitch. Like, that's just not who I am. But it was a great school. It was a private school. I wasn't a great student. I was like probably a B average student.

Just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't put like my whole pussy into like academics, which is fine. Whatever happened in the great war of 19, like I'm not using that right now as I sit on this couch. I just feel like there was no need for me to really dive into academics. I mean, it works for some people, but it just, it wasn't my thing. Okay. Anyways, my parents weren't very strict. I mean, I think some of you have seen my dad online, like

I post him a lot on my TikTok. He is me personified. Like I, the apple does not fall far from that tree. He's fucking funny. He's so unserious. And he's like, like a little cringy, but like in a fucking funny way, which I think I am too, to be honest. And then my mom is like the complete opposite. They're in like in a rock star relationship. You have to have a rock

and you have to have a star and you both need each other for the whole machine to be well-oiled. I feel like that's super important for a relationship. Like, I don't want to date someone that has a bigger ego than me. Like, we would kill each other. I think we'd act like it would be on like the Daily Mail. Like, we would kill each other. But yeah, they weren't strict at all. My mom was more of like the emotional support person.

My dad is more of like the financial support. He still is. Shout out dad for this beautiful apartment. I love you so dearly. Thank you. Oh my God, dad, I love you. You're my favorite. When I think about it, actually, have I dated more rocks or more stars? The men I've dated are fucking, no offense, duds. And then they would like cheat on me. I remember my first boyfriend, he cheated on me while I was in rehab.

for an eating disorder. So it's not like I could break out of the cage and go like confront him about it. I was dealing, I wasn't like, I was in knitting class. I don't like, I couldn't deal with his bullshit. He was cheating on me with my like best friend's twin. And I was knitting and coloring inside the circles and like my little Kumbaya group trying to heal myself. And he was out there like playing me. I was like, after that, didn't trust any men, even if they're a rock or they're a star, men just suck in general. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.

It's a whole thing. Going back to my parents, they are amazing. They're like my best friends. I feel like as I've gotten older, I've appreciated spending so much time with them. Like I like look forward to hanging out with them. They're way cooler than I'll ever be, but they're great people. But no, they were not strict. Honestly, I think they just sent me into the all girls private Catholic school so they can get me into a good college. And my dad's rich. So I feel like

He can afford the private school. I don't know, guys. You're going to have to ask him when he's on the podcast. He always used to say 42.5 down the drain, which was my tuition, like per year. 42.5 down the drain. I would say like something dumb or like uneducated or just like, I can't believe this is the product I've made. He'd be like 42.5 down the drain. Fuck. Like...

I've created a monster. It's his fault. We go to Bergdorf together. He brings me there. It's not like I'm going alone. He comes with me and he approves of every purchase. Not only does he approve of every purchase...

He picks things out. So speaking of my dad, he does commercial real estate development. He fucking absolutely crushes it. He like really wanted me to be in it just because our personality types are so similar. At one point in time when I had first moved to New York City, I had literally no idea what I wanted to do. This is before social media. I had no job and I was luckily able to get away with that for some time. I would host this here and there in the summer on Nantucket.

but for the most part I was not doing anything during the year so my parents were like you need to get a job like you like this is like you're 24 years old like I don't know what the fuck you're doing with yourself and also at the same time I really wanted a new rack like I really wanted new tits so I told my mom I was like mom like I think I need new tits they kind of look like a rock and a sock like my weight really fluctuated and like like picture a rock and a sock it's kind of like

You know, it's like not cute. So I was like, all right, I need a new chest. And my mom's like, we'll pay for it if you get your real estate license. So I was like kid in a candy shop. I was like pen to fucking paper. I was like,

I got my real estate license within two weeks. I think it was honestly a world fucking record. I got that shit so quickly. At the same time, I was seeing this billionaire and he was, oh my God, this is, he's going to be a whole chapter of this podcast, but I'll go a little into the, cause he kind of goes into this story.

he called me from London one morning he was like fucked up 7 a.m there and I was like so head over heels over this man who was like 15 years older than me like hedge fund daddy Saul he was checked all the boxes besides the fact he was like a Peter Pan man like this man is never going to grow up never wants to grow up has a lot of money can get any fucking bitch he wants he's also like semi-attractive I

I miss him. He was fun. All right. I'm getting distracted. So anyways, at the same time, he also thought I needed new tits. Honestly, I think he planted the seed, which is kind of fucked up. But like, he was like, I'll pay for them. He was like, Holly, like I'll Venmo. So him and his best rich daddy friend both Venmo me four grand for my tits.

It was like 12 grand, but they both bought me four grand. They think they own each tit. They named them like Francesca and Consuela. I don't know. Like they think they own my chest, but little do they know, I pocketed that money. It was just like play New York money at that time. I pocketed that money, got my real estate license, and then my parents paid for it. So I ended up getting...

The fake tits. And I've never sold a fucking house in my life. But I love a crown molding and I can appreciate good interior, a one bed, a one bath. And I know what areas of New York are the best in the city. I know where the daddies are. I know where the rent is the highest. And that's where I typically hang out because I know they can afford it.

Nice things. You know the thing about real estate, it's like location, location, location. Just like you guys right now, sitting at your little laptop or your phone or whatever, you're in the right place right now watching the right podcast. Like, look at us. We're just growing together. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Liquid Ivy.

Daddy gang, whether your calendar is booked and busy or you're keeping it low key this year, I want you to stay hydrated through the holidays with liquid IV. Okay, here's the thing. We're on the go or maybe we're not. Whatever you're doing, we can always be more hydrated and take care of ourselves with convenient packs of liquid IV.

of their hydration multiplier or sugar-free hydration multiplier, you get eight vitamins and nutrients, okay? That is three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink and no artificial sweeteners. Tear, pour, and live more, baby, okay? Powered by Liquid IV Hydroscience. Liquid IV replaces necessary nutrients lost from everyday hydration. It is one stick,

You put 16 ounces of water, boom, you pour it in and it hydrates better than water alone. So Daddy Gang, stay hydrated throughout the holidays with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use code DADDYGANG.

Daddy at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop Better Hydration today using promo code daddy at liquidiv.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by BetterHelp. BetterHelp has improved therapy, making it affordable and convenient, and now it's even better. Daddy gang, sign up for BetterHelp between December 3rd and

And fifth, to get one month free of therapy. Yes, you heard that right. You guys can take a breather from the hectic nature of the holiday season. BetterHelp can help you pause and take care of yourself. This is a very important time to invest in yourselves.

and take the free month, Daddy Gang, okay? Visit betterhelp.com slash daddy between December 3rd and 5th for one free month of online therapy. That's betterhelp.com slash daddy, valid for new U.S. customers only.

Okay, now that I've told you guys that different men own each of my tits, I have a little secret to share with you guys. There's actually currently right now as we speak a man in my bed. I didn't want to like tell you that, but like don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. But I feel like we went so hard last night. I feel like he could use a little bit of the hair of the dog right now. So let's get him up. I feel like Cookie, come here. Love her.

I don't know what I feel worse from the fucking dominoes or the vodka. Here, get your fucking mic. Okay, hi guys. This is Graydon Cookie Cutler.

Okay, guys, I feel like most of you know who Graydon is. But if you don't, he's like my best, most funniest friend. We sleep together all the time. He's so good in bed. This is true. We do sleep together a lot. No, yeah. And you turn on your sound machine. It's always like super magical. You love the sound machine. No, I actually do. But I do have my AirPods in watching Real Housewives. Oh, okay. Well, this morning I woke up. Halle woke me up and she said I took up the whole...

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but it was 11.45. Okay, but that's my morning. Hallie told me that I was taking up the whole entire bed, but this morning I woke up and her head was on my shoulder.

And he hates physical touch. You don't like when I cuddle or hug you or anything. I don't like that because you have a vagine. Okay. If you were a man, I wouldn't mind. I can't picture you like cuddled up with someone. Like I can't picture you like being the big spoon. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? I just think anatomically I have to be the big spoon. One time I was cuddling with somebody and I fell asleep and I woke up and they were just gone. And I'll be honest with you. I really haven't cuddled since. So have you ever fucked a woman or are you like a gold star? Do you know what a gold star is?

it's like they had a c-section right yeah exactly yeah a gold star is when you have a c-section um it's like you can't you did not even like come out of a vagina not only did you not sleep with a woman you didn't even come out of a woman you came out of their stomach that's actually a good point not me teaching you about being gay again well that's not like actually gold star but like that like could be a thing that's platinum star like never touched a vag um yeah i'm a gold star yeah i'm your mom had a c-section

No, Holly, that's not actually what a gold star is. A gold star is when you're gay and you've never been with a girl. So you're not a gold star because... I'm a gold star. Okay. Yeah, I'm a gold star. Loud and proud. So let's get back to our origin story. I feel like a lot of people don't know how we became friends, how we met. We should tell them the story of how we actually met.

Okay, let's tell it. You would remember more than me probably. Are you really counting on me for memories? So I walk into this party on Nantucket, obviously shit face. This was like my first time actually going to Nantucket. The year I believe was like 2021, right after COVID. So this is my first like taste of Nantucket kind of.

And I see this girl and she's like snatched. She's like her skin's pulled back. I'm like, did she get a facelift? Like what's going on? And I was like, your skin is so amazing. Like what do you do when you told me you like get your Botox at this girl in New York, but like you live in Boston.

So at the time you were living in Boston and you would go to New York to get your face done. I remember this. Flash forward. I didn't know this bitch lived in was from Boston. I didn't know she had a house in Nantucket. So I thought I was never going to see you again. And then we were in Boston on a cold, rainy ass night. Set the mood. Set the tone. We're on this yacht. That's where Hallie and I really rekindled. And I was like, oh, my God, you like are from Boston. Like you're here. Oh, my God. Let's hang out. So that's how we started hanging out.

And then I look over and there is this man and he was like a tech guy.

CEO, founder. I think he is in prison now. Yeah. I worked for him for a little bit. Like when I was like didn't have a job trying to figure out what I was doing. He was like a crypto baddie. Like he like promised me all these things. He used to put me up with the Nomo Soho and like work on his like computer for like this new app he was creating. No offense, but like that's all he could afford if he's in crypto was the Nomo Soho. No, that was a red flag.

yeah and he had like a soho and he had this really good friend who was bald that was like working on his crypto this is like such a side note i went on this date with this man he was like bald and like it was the sketchiest thing i've ever done he promised me like ten thousand dollars in like physical cash no and he said he would only give it to me if i sucked him

Fucked him. I didn't suck him. I didn't fuck him. He was bald. So? He looked like Mr. Clean. So he shows up to this date with a suitcase of 10 grand in cash and gave it to me. Did you keep it? Yeah. What'd you have to do? Then I told him I had a UTI and I couldn't hang out with him for the rest of the weekend. So you left. That made me sound like kind of an escort.

It wasn't like that. I didn't even kiss him. Honestly, I feel like he got bamboozled that night. Anyway, I hope he's well, but I looked over my shoulder and his pants were down to his ankles and his whole entire asshole was out.

Nellie's cheeks spread. Cheeks spread, blackout drunk. And I was like, is somebody going to put this guy's pants on? I can't be looking at this. We had people seasick. The waves were tumultuous. And this man is like ripping his asshole apart, like basically in a fetal position. Anyway. I've seen darker parts of that man than his internal organs have. I could see his throat from behind. It was crazy. Yeah.

You can't say that. Yeah, you know, I think we shared that moment of seeing this man's asshole. And that's when we became friends. We were like, we've been through it.

Speaking of men with gaping assholes, when was the last time you have entered or have been entered via throat, via ass, via ear with a man? Via ear? Like yesterday. It's been a really long drought and I feel like I'm in the Sahara Desert, like one of those animals who can't really access the watering hole.

And it's not, I don't think it's the rain that's like blocking me from accessing water. I'm starting to think it's me. No, I think your type is bad. Your type is straight men. So that automatically sets you up for failure. Okay. I would just like to correct. Like it's not straight men. It's just mass. Like I like a more masculine man, which is totally fine.

But I don't know. I mean, I definitely don't think my TikTok videos help. When was your last sexual encounter, fling, romance, a spark that lit a fire under your beautiful plump ass? That's so sweet. Thank you. The last time. Let's just go with the last time I got diddled or diddled somebody else. That sounds illegal. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't remember.

No, like you have to like I'm telling you right now to pick a date over over a year ago, probably that I fucked. I've sucked.

You're the sucking queen. I used to be, not anymore. We're going out tonight again. Tonight, Hallie is having a party. I think tonight's my night where like I really want my eyes to cross. Last night we were pretty drunk, but tonight I want to be even more drunk. Anyways, I feel like we could go on and on about fucking crazy stories we've been like we've seen so much together, like besides like the darkest parts of people's assholes. Amen. Lauren! Wait, fucking freak of the week's here.

Tinder is giving you the best gift of all this season. Time. Daddy gang, you don't have time to scroll through the thousands of photos you took this year. Tinder's new photo selector tool to go through all those photos at once and curate a profile that shows off your best features like your glowing personality. It is here. Spend more time finding new connections and the

perfect gift for your mom. Explore all possibilities for yourself. Tinder, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ollie. Daddy gang, we all know as well.

women, there are just so many things we are constantly going through. Thankfully, Oli helps prioritize wellness through every stage of life that we are going through. From multitasking, multivitamins that keep up with you to essential prenatal for mom and baby, Oli has got you through it all. Life's tricky, so do wellness on your terms. Daddy gang, get what you need at oli.com. That's

O-L-L-Y dot com. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Lauren's here. Cucarach, cucarach.

guys this is lauren lauren's here guys we're the three best friends that anyone could have we're the three best friends anyway um welcome to the casting couch i feel very welcome i know should we all touch each other yeah let's all hold hands no thank you i see how it is

All right. Hey. Guys, if you don't know Lauren, Lauren's the one that like makes, she's the reason I'm alive. I feel like she keeps my schedule together. It sounds like you work for me. No, I like my B production. No, she's, when I call it production in my TikTok, she is production I'm calling for. Yeah. Like I wouldn't show up to anything on time. I'm not a planner. True. I am just a personality hire. Yeah. Yeah. Fish is just good at getting shit done. She's also really good in bed. Oh my God.

Oh my gosh. Wait, she shows me her sex tapes all the time. It's like watching- We're getting right into it. You know when you're on a sports team and they rewatch tape to see where they could have done better? I'm that person for you. You're that person. Yes. Do you have any feedback? You're amazing. Recoil's insane.

What happens to you in that? I don't know. We'll go into that another day. But anyways, this is Lauren. Introduce yourself, my little freak of the week. I'm Lauren. I'm from New Jersey. That's like probably the most uninteresting thing about me. Me and Hallie have been best friends for like six years now. Six years. Yeah. Yeah. So my...

My college roommate was Hallie's best friend from high school. And then we met and we fell in love. We did. We did. We had a week of just going out straight together. Every single night we would go to bed. Sounds like you're legit, let's suppose. Oh, yeah.

A week. It was like a year. Last week we went accidentally ended up at a gay bar and it was like all lesbian couples around us. With there was flags everywhere. We had no idea. A lesbian bar or a gay bar? It was a gay bar. There was like a lot of lesbian couples and we were just like sitting there. I think we were one of them. Yeah.

No. We might have been one of them. We were one of them. I think people thought that we were one of them. No, definitely. Definitely. People thought I was chowing down on you. Yeah. On the lawn. Yeah. Putting from the rough. The whole nine. Yeah. Munching muffin. Anyways, we have known each other for how many years? Six years now. You've never seen me in a relationship. I haven't, but I've seen you in multiple situations. I think that's always crazy that you've never seen me committed. Yeah. And you've only seen me committed. I was committed to them. Yeah.

They weren't committed to you. No. You thought they were. I thought. And I was always trying to tell them, they're not hot, even though some of them were. I was like, they're not hot, Hallie. You could do so much better. And now looking back, we're like, fuck.

the cross was hot the cross was really hot but i was trying i'm i was very convincing i was like he's not hot trust me it's the hottest guy i've ever caught with ever my whole entire life yeah so you have a boyfriend we love him we love him actually you didn't like him at first though i didn't like that i had he hit on hallie in front of me no he didn't yes he did he added you on snapchat in front of me when he didn't like me no yeah to do it no no here's what happened here's what happened

My boyfriend now at the time like didn't want anything to do with me. And in order to like show me how he didn't want to have anything to do with me. He was like, I'm just going to like flirt in front of her. I'm going to like add her best friend on Snapchat. And like would like put his phone down so I could see everything. This was when he was like mean. And then the second. Didn't he have a fuckboy phase? He had a fuckboy phase. Is he toxic? No, he's like perfect.

No, he's an angel. He's an angel, but he wasn't an angel until the second that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Up until then, I was a doormat. And the whole internal. Did you like being doormat? And I was thick. And you were thick. And I was thick. You were so thick. Lauren used to show up at my house on Nantucket and be wearing AF1s and Jordans. Yeah.

I wore like Jordans with like Nike mid calves to the beach. No. Dior Jordans. No, that was fake Dior Jordans. They were fake? Yeah, they were like custom made. Like they just like took Dior. Oh, with the fabric? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That is extremely ghetto. And you wore leather pants to the beach, but here we are. They were real leather. Then you met Jordan. You guys fell in love so deeply. He also was a massive piece.

Jordan's like a walking tripod. You know, that thing that's holding up this camera right now, that looks like Jordy is a third leg. A man, if like a gust of wind ever hit him from behind, he would be standing up still. I love that for him. He's going to hate us. I love that for him. He deserves that, honestly. He does deserve that.

He deserves a big dick. He has like short arms, but he's making up for it. Sounds like a T-Rex. He has short limbs, but a big dick. He's like Tyrannosaurus. I also think he like lifts so much that his arms like progressively like get higher. Oh, what? Totally.

He does have short biceps. Yeah. He's got a really long torso. We're not body shaming Jordan on episode one. We love Jordan. We're complimenting. Yeah. We're going to tell him about this later. The thing is that's nice about me and Lauren is like we have very different tastes in men. I think we all have very different tastes in men, honestly. Especially me. Actually, I feel like you guys have the same taste in men.

I feel like you would go for someone like Jordan. Like a pretty boy. No, you would go for Jordan. I would go for Jordan. I'll go for Jordan right now.

Tell him to come over. Jordan. Jordan loves you. Jordan. Jordan loves you. You and Jordan have a very special relationship. Yeah, we do. Anyway, enough about him. Yeah. So we're going out tonight. What is the pregame going to look like, you think? I'm terrified the fact that we have to get ready in an hour and a half. Should we tell them what the pregames usually look like? Yeah, let's tell them. Okay, let's run through it. Well, I don't really drink that much. Which is amazing for us. Yes, because I'm always driving if we're in Nantucket, or I'm always...

You know, directing. I used to hate it. I feel like when you're younger, you're like, you're not taking shots. And now we're like, don't take a shot. I feel like you should. Because I don't want to Uber on Nantucket. And she is the DD. She is trusted by my parents. That's true. The vehicle. That is. She's on the car insurance. Yeah. Yeah. Should be other than some other siblings. But.

Fish is the type of person where she can go out and like have like you'll have like one drink. Yeah. But like you don't need to be like shit face to have fun. Like you always have fun. I'm there for the music. I am there for the networking. You used to go out to network. Yeah. Hallie would drink for us and I would network for us. And honestly, it worked. It worked out pretty well for us. Here we are. Here we are. But yeah, I know Hallie and Graydon are probably ripping shots together. I am looking on in amazement. Mm hmm.

You're cheering us on. Looking on is crazy. I am looking on in amazement. I'm like, wow, I would die. I would be in the hospital. Sounds like shade you're throwing. No. But anyways, we might die, but in a positive way.

in a way that like will go out with a bang hopefully but the pregame what are we having people over tonight and then I'm throwing a party later in the evening in the wee hours of the night I will be so cross eyed I will be crossing both streets at once because I'm gonna be like this one people used to like or I don't know if people do still think this but like some people think it's a bit that

Like you're cross-eyed. No, no. Like you fully. I had meningitis. No, I had meningitis as a toddler. I had it too. We both almost died. But you're not cross-eyed. Wait, did you? I almost died. No. But I'm not cross-eyed. I had a brain infection when I was two that affected my equilibrium. So they used to call me head wound Hallie. I would just fall over, tip over, like just simple tasks like walking. So then I turned completely cross-eyed like this. Production, zoom in. Okay.

I'm looking at both screens right now. No, literally, I would get so cross-eyed.

so at six i got contacts but when i drink the muscles behind my eyes that keep them straight normally even right now i'm like give out teetering if i'm tired or a little tipsy my eyes will just give out strength and i'll just go like this so that's when lauren knows that it's time to take her close the tap and you know it's great and i think i've said this before but when someone looks at us and like they're like you're leaving you're leaving so early i'm like look at her and having sex

That's what you do? Yeah. That is such a cop out. You just like nod your head. You're like, yeah, look over here. Look at her eyes. They're like, oh, of course. Take her home. Oh, yeah. That's how you get out of like leaving. Yeah. They're like, we totally understand. Take your time getting out. I hope you get home safe. I can't see when you get back. You're so strong. Make sure you get her home safe. I'm screaming. And honestly, Holly, I think we should start using that moving forward. Like if we're just not having a good time. Yeah. I'll just go. You're here.

You just go up to them and cross your eyes. You're fully sober. I'm like, look at her. That's so real. We should do that. Yeah, I think that's our new cop-out. Because I hate being pressured to stay. It's a good cop-out, but just loop me in. Yeah, I got you. Next time. But sometimes you're just out of it. I can't loop you in. You're looped out. I'm never that out of it. Don't drink. Stay in school. I really don't want to go out tonight. I'm not going to lie, guys. It's your party. It's your party.

literally hosted by you you're on the invite you are hosting the party you have to go honestly well what's fun is Hallie's hosting a pregame and I think what's so great about my glassware is your glassware you can let other people use it no not can I use it yeah you can use it you're not a drunk like the rest of people coming over also though like I love that all our friends have meshed

Yeah. That's so important. Well, us, but also like your home friends, my school friends. I have really, I feel like besides you guys, I don't really have that many more friends, real friends. I would consider like, Oh, like I could trust them with your dirty secrets. I mean, I'm telling everyone else here, my dirtiest, darkest secrets, but yeah. Things that would probably get me in trouble with the police. Like those things. I feel like I wouldn't trust them to get away with anything. Yeah.

yeah like would you bury your body for me yeah great and what's our relationship yeah so how does the dynamic work here you're probably wondering because yeah i'm so perfect and like they're like oh my god how you're so perfect like how can we like share time i just put between the both of them it's like i'm divorced parents like the product of how do you guys get along how do you co-parent this beast

So I'm a Cancer Leo cusp and I couldn't really tell you what the fuck that means. I can't wait. I'm a Leo Cancer cusp. Wait. What? Leo Cancer cusp? Yeah. Wait, no, no, no. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Cancer Leo cusp. Yeah, yeah. So we're the same? We're the same. You're July 22nd and I'm July 23rd. Oh, yeah. I'm the first day of Levi. Leo. So we have the same... Oh, my God. Significant. We have like the same cusp but different like...

like, like fire sign. No, no, no, no, no. Like main, main sign. We need to get our charts right or something, but fish and I just have a really sensitive, like loving connection. We do, you know, although she's way more sensitive than me. I'm sensitive and I'm thinking like,

You will like have my back. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I don't for her throat. Well, sometimes I get very angry. Yeah. How he gets like at the end of the night, she'll be really drunk and she'll sometimes jump on the neck. And like not in a mean way. I'm just very sensitive. I take everything so seriously. Like,

It's really hard to argue with you. Yeah. Because you will cry. I will cry. Yeah, that's true. And I'm like, that's it. Like, she never wants to see me again. Like, that's it. Our friendship is over. Like, all over because she was like, I don't know. Like, what has she said to me before? She's like, Callie. I'm like thinking about a time where like I took it so personally. Like the summer on your birthday. Like, do you want to get into it? Oh, yeah.

You were so sensitive. I was so sensitive. Because people that were staying at my house wanted to go to dinner with me. Yeah. They were staying at my house. But you would auction them off to my house because they couldn't stay at your boyfriend's house. No, no, no. Actually, we should talk about this. No, that's not. Because that was really bad. No, no. That was bad. Then you're like, you weren't coming to my thing. And I was like, wait, they're staying at my house. No, no, no.

I was just, I felt left out because normally in Nantucket, I always stay at your house. And this is the first time that I wasn't staying at your house where like everyone was there. So I was like,

feeling left out and because I was feeling left out I just started crying at Cisco and actually I'm mortified and my boyfriend's brother likes to bring it up now he's like are you gonna cry are you gonna cry like you cried at Cisco I'm glad he does because you should have been embarrassed yeah you're being a weird little freak I was being a freak yeah and I was like and then I came home and I was like

I was like, you can come to dinner too. But like, you were also staying at your boyfriend's. I was like, are you going to leave your boyfriend and their family and their cookout, their barbecue, the thing that they're throwing for you and come to my parents? Look at me in the eyes. Yes, I will leave him. That's fucking great. Just kidding. Yeah. I'm thinking about the Hamptons trip now. Oh, the Hamptons trip guys.

That's what I was referring to. Yeah. No, guys, we were at... I at least forgot what happened. It was a brand trip. It was one of the first brand trips I've ever been on, but we were sharing a room. The three of us? Liv was there, too.

no no it was just us three we were at okay she was there for another one this one was just us three and i was being the like i was being the plus one i got there i opened up every single present i got into the pajamas that were on my bed as you should as you should i stole some of graden's products like i was i was fucking there but like we went to surf lodge a guy in your building

Wait, I ran into him today, yesterday. I run into him every single day. His name is Chow Down. What? His name is Chow Down. What do you mean? Well, that's his nickname. His nickname is Chow Down. He lives in my building. I literally have the exact same schedule as him. I saw him this morning. I saw him yesterday. Oh.

That's a story. We went out at Surf Lodge and I was drunk and I said, come back. And he's really cute. He's really cute. He's really tall. He's weird though. His giggle was like, you sound like a hyena. Wait, I wasn't here this weekend. I think he was just really nervous. You weren't there. This was the weekend prior. This is the weekend with Liv. Yeah. Yeah, you weren't there. And we brought him back. He went down on me in front of, yeah, in front of us. Me and Liv were like hiding in the bathroom and

And we were like, okay, well, it's been like two minutes. Maybe we should come out now. We come out. You're giving me two minutes to work my masterpiece? Yeah, it didn't seem like you were feeling it. Because his laugh was really weird. I don't know. Yeah, and then we came out and we were like, show us what you were doing. Okay, I received a video this night. Do we want to talk about that? That was Chowdow. Was that from you?

No, that was for me. Or Liv and then group shot. It was Liv or Fish sent it to me and there's this, I see this hair underneath the sheet and Hallie's there. And I'm like, is she like playing with like a stuffed animal? Like what? Why is her hair under the sheets?

It was Mr. Chow Down chowing down. Chowing down. Underneath the sheets. Giving the name all its glory. Yeah. He's a nice guy though. And then we sent him on his way. It's funny because I'll get those videos and I will not think one thing of it. We're like, all right, you have to go. Bye. We like literally, the way that we like hurried that man out of the room, like he didn't even have time to put his shoes on by the time he was outside.

He was weird, though. He was a weird little freak. Yeah. But anyway, I live in the same building as him, and I see him every single day. And I'm like, hey. And he's like, hey, how you doing? And then, you know, we talk about something for like the 30 seconds of the elevator ride, the minute. The weather. Fucking outdoors. Yeah. Every day. That's the worst. Yeah. Poor man. Mr. Chowdown. Okay, like, we need to wrap this up. We have to get ready with the shower, the bath. I'm sure Graydon has to take a nap. I need to take a couple shots.

I think before we go guys we should give a little like Real Housewives tagline like what would like you know zhuzh up the ending of this okay yes yes you can start and then Lauren and then I have to think of mine because okay I love this okay let's run it back this is your moment to shine if you won't suck my quacky at least drink one

You like that? I'm Tucker Kwaki. That was good. All right, Lauren, you go. All right, where am I looking? I may not drink, but I eat every day. Guys, I'm screaming. I do eat every day. No, you do. I used to be a half. I was thick. I see. More than once a day. I don't even know what mine would be. You got it. Like, you miss 100% of the cum shots you don't take. Period. Period.

All right, guys, cheer. Like, hey. All right. So like, let's wrap it up, guys. We have to get ready with Go Take Shots. This has been so much fun. I'm so excited for everyone to be here. Even if like you're just here to like make fun of me if I'm crazy. I don't fucking care. We're going to have so much fun. This was amazing. You're going to see a lot more of this situation going on. It's going to be a lot of chaos.

a lot of unhinged raw energy we're gonna raw dog this whole fucking thing subscribe like review give us five stars all that fucking shit you can find us on all platforms wherever you watch your podcast youtube whatever whatever floats your fucking boat anyways happy to be here love you all and thank you episode one let's fucking do it bye

NetCredit is here to say yes. Because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by NetCredit are lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn more at netcredit.com slash partners. NetCredit. Credit to the people.

My life is opera. There is no reason in opera.

Maria, directed by Pablo LeRae, for your consideration. Now playing at select theaters and on Netflix December 11th.

Come unwrap some holiday magic this season in Denver, where the shopping is grander, the performances are more spectacular, drone shows fly every night, and the festivities are merrier. So come for your holiday traditions or make some new ones with your friends and family in the Mile High City, where the season feels a whole lot more wonderful. Discover more things to do and great hotel deals at milehighholidays.com.