Aly Raisman: Thirty, Single & Thriving [VIDEO]
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What is your daddy game? IT is your founding father, alex Cooper, with call her. Al rayman, welcome to color daddy.

Thank you so much for having me.

I am so happy that we're doing this. I'm such a huge fan. I've been a huge fan for a while to be able to like, sit here in person with you. It's an honest, so thank you for being here.

I am big fan of you too. And I think we have the same name. Is your little thing? Alexander, yes, me too. Should we go each other? Alexander.

should body.

where did you go? okay. So well, first. Well, i'm a very big fan of you too. Congratulations on everything. It's amazing.

Lovely senior podcast um I saw my legal name is AlexAndra and really no one calls me that when I was little I used to actually be called sexy sexy which is probably weird. But when I was like, five years old, everyone called me sexy, sexy. I don't know why.

Okay, I didn't know what sexy meant, but I one called me sexy, sexy kindergarten. Like, even like some of the moms around me too, they still call me that to this day. And then when I was like, a couple years later, I I thought my riling was Alexander, and I asked my mom one day, and SHE said I was Alexander.

And I felt like I had been lied to my whole life because I was a very dramatic kid. So then I went by Alexander for a little bit, and I actually don't remember where ali came from. But I love when my child hod friends call me lexie because I just, just like they knew me before.

everything I was able to say. I I thought you say love with my childhood friends come me sexy. I wish my childhood friends would call sexy lexi big.

Like you got sexy, sexy and I got big al from Alice. And like, make that makes sense. I love that for you.

I don't know where I came from, but I was five result. It's funny because some of my guy friends are marry now like, I don't think they call me sex cinema. Oh, but there I don't .

think they do. Yes, I .

know, but my girlfriends, you from child, that is it's funny, but nobody would back. I'm like, imagine hearing someone called a five. So.

oh my god, you were EXO like.

I I had no idea what .

were both. Alexandre en Alexanders are here.

So I read your article and to anyone that didn't read IT, you're going to read IT because you going to fall love more and talk about today, but basically rote an article about being single at thirty and you talk about how it's really not where you thought you were going to be in your life at that point. So there is a lot to discuss today about timeout ines comparison, just how harder is today in general.

But before we get into that, because the daddy game is going to freak out over that conversation, it's little is all we talk about over here. okay? Um we need to talk about the olympics.

You are going to the olympic this year. Yeah, I am going to the olympic this year. We will be hanging out. What are you most excited for about paris?

I am so excited. It's my first time going not competing, so I don't really know what to expect. But i'm so excited and i'm obviously the most excited to watch the dynamics.

And I got to go olympic trials last week. And I was so fun and I was it's so emotional watching everyone, and I know when worked so hard. So I am a huge fan of dynamics too.

And I grew up just being obsessed then in watching IT. And so I love watching incredible, at least from all over the world, too. And I think that's what's so cool about the olympics is obviously, i'm rooting for the us.

Team, and I think that they look so good and so impressed them. But I also love how, as an eight year old, you know, one of my favor, jimnez was the ukrainian gymnasts. And so I just feel like what so cool as the whole world comes together and you just really appreciate just greatness and such incredible athleticism. So i'm so excited. And then I also want to go to like my brother is coming and he .

wants to go to pingpong finals like pink and like break dancing is a sport official lumpy s this year like, I will be there my favorite move, growing up with step up, maybe chatting tato hit me up, we can go watched together. He's like, um, there are so many random things that I want to go see. Obviously we have like the big massive sports that gets so much like notoriety but there is some like random things I like, I wanna see fans o .

to you started masstige .

s when you were too. Yeah like you think about that. Like how do you like two years old in your starting domna sticks? And like being an athlete? I feel like that just becomes so much of your identity from such a Young age, right? But overall, we're going back to the beginning, like I love to do here on holiday, because I really paints the picture of who somebody is. Like, how would you describe your personality when you were growing up?

That's a good question.

I have sexy.

Xy, I never been asked that. I think that, well, I was obsessed with journal. S, I loved IT more than anything else in the world.

I just always wanted to be there. I'm oldest of four, so I loved being a big sister. I still do, but i'm two years older than my brother bread, and then six years older than Chloe and eight years older than medicine.

So I felt like I was like, I just like loved doing the big sister and I remember, you know, those little like cars, the little many ones that like kids driver on I just like, i'd pretend I was like the mom and taking them around the driver like, I just loved being a big sister and they used a sleeping bed with me every night, which is just so cute up. I grew up in new, in need a mass. O yeah.

And I just, I have so many great memories of that. And then I just loved ice to beg my coaches to let me stay later. I practice and actually think we, they wouldn't let me because they want me to burn out.

But I was so sad to leave the gym. I was obsessed like I remember. I would miss halloween even at a Young age, because I wanted to be at the gym.

I was just like, so driven. I think you had to be like born with something a little bit actually crazy and need to be that intense. But i'd loved IT.

I can see how you, being the oldest, probably shaped a lot of them like your relationships in gymnastics because it's like you have this like maternal feeling about you. What was your relationship like to your parents?

I'm very close to my parents and still am so very grateful for that because the older i've got, i've realized a lot of people don't have good relationships with their family, so I didn't realized when I was Younger just how lucky I am for that. And I also appreciate how when I didn't do well at to me or practice, they didn't get mad at me, and they were even more, I think, loving and supporting when I didn't do as well.

And if they won't support, if I would have never survived like I had teammates when I was Younger that were actually Better than me. But because their parents put so much pressure on them, they just couldn't do IT. I don't blame them.

I wouldn't be able to do IT because we're already, I think, our own worst critics and then our coaches are hard on us. And then you go home and your parents on you. It's just so i'm so glad my parents I knew that if I didn't do well, they would be there for me and support me.

Oh, that's like invaluable. Like I playing soccer growing up ad the same vie with my parents were IT was like they were so supportive. Of course, if I like asking, like what I could have done Better at like my mom was like, oh, I got you like, I was watching but she's not i'm not getting in the car with a pitch in my stomach that I mean to get yelled that and I knew a lot of my friends had those parents that were like the dad was yelling in the car like, scream ming like you've seen the parents that like insane shit that you're like, wow.

I can't imagine not being able to go home in a escape IT and IT feels like a full time job and we're talking about being like seven, eight, nine, ten year old girls. And it's like it's not that deep IT is and eventually became your like life. But it's all so like you have to have baLance in order, in my opinion, to survive and to go the distance or else you just burn.

Now I completely agree, and I think that IT also may be without the parents realizing that. I think that teaches the kid that your only value is being a good athlete or being very successful. And I think IT also, so many athletes struggle with their worth being wrapped up in how they do in the sport.

And I know a lot of athletes struggle without IT, even for the olympics this summer. So many athletes, if they do really well, they might not know who they are outside of their Spark, because that's what they're been doing their entire life. And then if they don't do well, I think it's really hard if you don't have the support or the sort of like mental preparation, if you don't do well to know that you're more than just your result in like everyone is human, it's really, I think, hard to accept that.

So I always feel for athletes when I watching, like I get nervous, even when I don't know people, or even when I see a genus from another country. Like, of course, I want everyone do well and obviously again, rooting for the us. team. But even if I see a gym is from another country, like not do well, I just feel so sad for them because you put so much into IT and I think so many athletes they are worth is wrapped up in their result.

IT is very intense. And i'm curious though, because you saying you love to say at the gym and you loved all these people like you decided to go to public school for high school. And I feel like really intense athlete to specifically in gymnastics. They usually get home schooled. How did you make that decision?

Thankfully, my coaches and my parents were really wanted me to stay in public school, and i'm actually really glad that they did. I mean, everyone's on their own path. And into your point, a lot of my t mates were home school.

And so I feel like everyone has a different journey. What works for them. But for me, I was so important that I could go to school and have that baLance.

And I can remember, I would train six days a week, four to seven hours every other day, except sunday I was off. But then twenty sixteen, when I was done with high school, I would sometimes going on sunday on my idea. So I was, i'm still exhausted.

I've still exhausted from that. Sometimes people, when I tell them matter like that's not bad and like yet is IT was bad, but I was really exhausted. IT was exhausted.

I'm like still recovering from that, which we we can get you after, but I didn't remember I would train in the morning and I would then like literally be like covered in chok and like go right to school like I was so so conscious because I would like be like trying to like, washed my body, like really quickly go to school trying to acute for boys. I was so uncomfortable. School is also so hard.

I was so so insecure. And then I would go to class. And then I would quickly do my homework after school and then go back to the gym after I was just so I was so driven.

And so like, none of my friends understood, I think, how serious I was about IT. Like when I competed in two thousand and twelve by the olympics, IT was right. After I graduate high school, I remember my high school friends were like, you never told us you were like that good and I was like, I don't know what i'm like, I don't know. I didn't want to say anything.

but also like, what did you guys think I was doing? I'm bad at this thing, but I just get up every morning and go every afternoon and I just keep out IT like, oh my god, ali was so intensified.

Funny, one of my family members, I admitted to my mom is like, I have to admit, I always start that. He said to my mom that you and my dad were crazy because he's like, I would. He was like, I would just watch you, like, drive ali to practice over and over again.

And I just thought I was so odd, because I would know miss a lot of days of school. I was like, traveling all over the place. And he was like, I didn't understand how. Good, he was so he's like, IT took me really long time and I he he was like a kind of judge you and now he's like.

I just telling you, I don't anymore but we okay. Hold on, no one knew how good you are. That's kind of interesting because why I still .

it's funny when people asked me about gymnastics in my career like a Normal life. Like if people don't know who I am, they're like where you good and like I was fine. I don't know.

I just like it's just not something that I don't know medals on metals and you're sitting her back.

I think I was OK. I just I don't know what do you think that is? It's so funny. I'm so uncomfortable talking about genetics. I don't know. I think part maybe some of IT is that if if someone doesn't know who I am, then i'm kind of i'm like excited because i'm like, oh, they're really like me for me there's something about IT where like there's no IT makes me feel so good if i'm out somewhere and like a guy is interested in me and they don't know who I am because IT just makes me feel like, oh, they like me for me and so I think it's that and I feel more connected to them.

It's not to say if someone does know, you know you can go going to get the vive when you know why someone sort of talking you but I think that maybe I feel very guarded. But then also I think to nasica, i've such a interesting, complicated relationship with IT, but I feel like sometimes I don't love talking about IT in my personal time all the time, but i'm doing a lot of therapy to work on that. No.

I get IT anything being a woman like we just learn like it's not even about the sport, it's just about how we are. We just learn in life like never be too confident because IT will come off as cocky and like don't talk about your accolades because now you're just like drawing attention to yourself and like that's just like what being a woman is like and it's like i'll break for you um you're amazing um so you did you like flourish with like friends in high school though that sounds like you have that a .

lot of friends I had, I had friends. I do feel like because I was gone alone, I felt like I missed out a lot at the time because I can remember if I was away for a week at a competition, i'd come back on monday and then i'd hear we're talking about the fun weekend and everything happening.

And so I feel like I I can remember feeling left out a lot just because I or formal maybe is the Better word, but I felt like I had every woman was very nice to me in high school, and I had a good experience in high school. My friends were very supportive. I felt like people were very nice to me.

And so but I just remember feeling kind of like I was missing out on stuff and IT was hard coming back and hearing everyone talking about how fun stuff was. I remember being very insecure, like I just didn't think that any guy in high school thought I was key, which makes me so sad when I look back. So I just remember, you know, any little thing that was wrong.

I just felt like everyone was looking editor, everyone was noticing IT. But in journal s it's a subjective sport. So I was taught from a Young age that like a really little thing is picked apart.

And it's actually hard for me in life now to realize that people aren't looking at me like that, like no one cares. So IT was very interesting. But in the moment, I was so in the thick of always kind of being critique all the time that I thought other people thought of me that way.

Can you talk a little bit more about that of like insecurities in high school? And it's crazy even talk about a high school because it's like in gynt s world. Like that is when most women are like, really girls. I little little like girls are coming into their prime in the sport but you're so Young like what unities when you're talking about boys verses then what you're working towards on like in the gym like what were the insecurity for you personally?

Yeah it's really interesting. So I when I was Younger age to get made fun of all the time for mustier, my arms were, and I remember when I was in fifth grade, the boys would make fun of me until me look like I was on steroids, and they would call me royds. And IT made me so sad.

And this has affected me so much that at thirty years old, I have just started to be able to like where like sleeveless sartain dresses and IT makes me so sad that I wasted that much time. But it's really incredible how, I guess, incredible in a bad way, how when people make fun of you, how I can really stay with you. In then I remembering Simon's grades so vividly, I was wearing a tak top, and some guy told me that I look disgusting, and some of my arms were disgusting.

And so I literally, actually, this was a big moment for me at olympic trials last week, I wore, dressed that totally showed my arms. And I was saying, my mom, I was like, this is like such a big deal for me that i'm doing this because I would have been so self conscious and worried. And now i'm just trying IT feels so freed to just try not to worry as much, but it's just so I think that like as I do more therapy, it's amazing how much stuff sticks with us.

And I think that's also why I have anxiety or social anxiety because i'm like, I hope i've never said something that would ever stick with someone I would feel so bad. And I know sometimes, you know, sometimes we we're all human. We all say things.

Sometimes we don't mean or we don't even realize someone interpreted a different way. But I think i'm like sov afraid of making someone feel the way that other people made me feel that i'm almost like to hyper awe. Yeah but so that was a really big one.

I think I was always so of conscious of like my body because in gymnast s they were so strict with my way. And even though we worked out so much, I still had to watch what I ate a lot. I also wanted be careful with saying this, because I know how many people struggle with body, just movie and eating disorder.

So I think it's so important, no matter what sport you're in, to fill your body and eat a lot of food. And I wish I could go back and tell myself deep, warm feel my body. But I just felt so much pressure to always be skinnier and skinnier.

And IT was so unhealthy because I was already working out so much and it's crazy for me to look back at photos of myself where I was being told to lose more weight. And I, like I was, didn't have an outs of fat on me. It's just this is for any people that are athletes, and i'm obviously not a medical expert, so don't call me on these exact numbers, but I do believe that women are supposed to have a higher body fat percentage than men.

And I remember going into twenty sixteen olympics, I was very, very thanks just from the pressure in the sport to be a certain weight. And I was twenty two years old, so I was kind of like fighting with, like becoming a woman and still looking like a little girl. And I remember the person who was taking my body fat.

They had said that I remember when I did IT so go back, actually, when I was sixteen and I had someone else to my body fat, and they were saying that they'd never seen one hundred twelve percent. And they had said, like women should be like eighteen or twenty percent. I don't know how accurate at the eighteen to twenty percent is so he was like, so you're probably gonna maybe round twelve and I remember I was out like eight percent and at the time I was sixteen and he was like really concerned about IT.

He was like your way too though that and I was sixteen and then when I was twenty two about to leave for the real olympics. I remember my body fat was at um five percent and I remember the person who works with n fell players was like I he was like, this is not okay like you can get seriously hurt and this this is terrible. He's like, i've never seen.

He's like even the guys sometimes being this low. He's like, you're lower than some of the men on the team. And I remember I was like, I just need you to there's something, nothing I can do about IT because like this is what the judges and the coaches like need for me. I was like, I just need you to be supportive and tell me it's going to be OK like I can't like he's like this is so dangerous for you and I actually feel like my body has never covered from being that thin and like fighting against that.

So it's very, it's very interesting because I can remember I would still eat and feel my body, but at the same time, there was just like trying to like I can there was so much pressure I can remember like this is so gross now i'm like i've become more a jeering as i've got noder, but this is so growth. But I just like despite times call for, despite measures like I remember times like literally because there are a so much pressure to be thin. I had to be careful what I ate in front of, you know, people on on the staff.

And I remember like I would go into like the airport in the plane bathroom, which is disgusting, and like eat a power bar. So like known would see me where that is just like, so growth to mean apple and you're so hungry doesn't seem gross. But IT was just so I remember like I would try to eat, but there was so much pressure to be thin that I just was very, very hard. So I was very insecure about that in high school, of course, because I thought, oh, will the guys think that i'm big too? So that's why they're .

not interested in me. No, I like if IT is not grow, like, it's so sad, like that I like my heart breaks for you that you had to go into that bathroom and to like eat in secrecy because of the coaches and like the mentality and the rules and the thickness and like even king of like that doctor saying that you have like when you're a five percent, like do you think you were num at that point? Did you feel anything? Like what did you feel when someone said that you and looked at you and said that to you?

I think at that point, because the olympics were so soon, I was just. And with anxiety and stress all the time, it's just so I just constantly had butterflies in my stomach. And I was so nervous that I also think part of IT in a way was probably I I don't I don't even remember.

I think I was just at the time, I had actually had a really saw Kelly and I was really stressed about that. That's obviously a terrible injury. And if you know something happened, I would be out. So I was really stressed about that.

And I remember every morning waking up and like IT was so stiff in the morning and i'd have to like brace myself to get out of bed, like there's so many things I feel like now that i'm done and so much more relax. But I remember just being so stressed, hoping that my body would keep IT together. But I think one of my biggest concerns with computing was I hope my muscles don't crap up and I feel i'm so exhausted.

So that was what's so interesting to me as that I was so good at your nassi s and successful the sport while I had, like so little energy, my muscles were crapping up. I was so exhausted and so fatigue. And I also would, in twenty sixteen, I remember a couple years, maybe before the olympics, I would start to get like extreme notion, I think, because I was so thin for my size, I would like wake up in the and almost be like dry heaving, because I was like gagging, because I was so nauseous.

And so is really hard for me, and it's really hard when you're nauseous to eat. So I just remember feeling so sick all the time that I was so I think I was none and I was so associated because I just needed to get through IT and I was so nervous, I don't know, was just such a weird thing. And i'm now like doing a lot of therapy and going through. But it's hard because you're like reliving that and going through that. And it's a very it's very interesting .

what I appreciate you sharing this too because I think what's really difficult for athlete is you hearing you say all this and knowing you are like one of the best and you've one medals and gold and all of IT, and you've done what every gyne dreams of doing. And then there is the dark side of IT. And I think what we learn, and I appreciate these type of conversations, is like most people that get to the top of where they are at, there is also just like a lot of pain and suffering that goes into being the best at the time.

And IT doesn't mean that it's not an incredible sport and you are so talented, but the reality is like there were a lot of things that happened throughout your career that probably could someone could have been like, hey, can we do this differently? Can we protect you in so many different aspects, you know, and I and my heartbreaks for you, but I think that these type of conversations hopefully will help future athletes. Not that it's on you and IT sucks that I had to go this way for you, but I know there are so many amazing things that came from your career.

Yeah but now you're thirty and you're like down, i'm having to fucking peel the ship back and IT is off and I can see IT on your face. It's like this is heavy shit and i'm so sorry that it's like the thing that you loved and that you're so fucking good at also caused you pain and that is relatable and sad and fucked up and it's tough like it's tough hearing you say. And I and I appreciate even saying IT because I can imagine it's terrifying to even admit this because now is the headline just gonna be like negatives about IT and I hope people don't see that it's just like, no, this is just the reality yeah, this is the reality.

And that's why I hope when we watch the olympics this year, it's understanding that like having Grace for these athletes, when someone doesn't perform at their best, it's not just because all they had an off game or they had an off to let they are. Listen to what you are saying. The body, the pressure, the man, half of IT is just the mental. No, people forget like this is we are human beings like there's so much more that goes into this than just the minute that the person is standing at the top and about to do the b or it's like.

it's so just it's so trust is like it's because the olympics are coming up. I like in having dreams that i'm competing and I wake up. I so gad, dad, I mean, like you mention, there are so many beautiful things that have come out of my genetics square.

But it's also it's such an interesting time right now. Obviously, as the olympics comes up, i'm so excited and I can't wait. And i've been doing a lot of actually exposure therapy right now where for people who don't know, it's sort of like exposing yourself to the trauma or whatever IT is that has caused you stress or pain.

So that could be you had someone that hurt you and they had work like a specific perfume or a colone like maybe you like smell the colon or their perfume everyday to like we make Better memories with that. Or I could be, you know, writing down a memory or talking about a memory or watching something. So i've been doing that a lot, and that's been really helpful. But it's kind of like sometimes IT can make things worse before IT gets Better or i'm like, oh my god, I have so much to work through, its so overwhelming. There's just so much there and then their stuff I forgot about that .

now my coming back yeah I was gna say like I think a lot of women right in about therapy and and everyone has like a different journey with like what type of therapy will work for them. And I think the exposure therapy is like has been known recently to be very effective.

But I was going to ask you, like in doing that type of therapy or do you have to be strategic like if you know you're going on a long trip coming up, like if you're going to pair, is like are you doing sessions while your in pairs? Are you doing IT before? Are you too anxious around this type public? We're talking about Jason s right now and that's the crux of the trauma. Like you don't mean .

like such a good question. Yeah it's so we actually have stopped ed doing the exposure homework. So what what I do is I do therapy every week and then I would try to do exposure a little bit every single day.

But because of I had mentioned before, like my bodies never recovered, i've struggled with some health stuff which we can get into after from just like the over exhaustion of what I put my body through so depending on the day, however, because there are so many actually like exposure of um you know whether it's doing interviews or even going to olympic controls was actually such a wonderful experience and i'm so god I went but I was so nervous and just like being back in that environment, like certain smells or even like there's like a belt that rings before you compete. No, like, oh my god, i've heard this and so long like all these little things so i'm the actual exposure, homework and therapy, but I feel like i'm being exposed in through out a lot of different things right now. So we're doing baby steps and just working on my ways to cope with some of that stuff.

But it's been um it's really interesting and i'm glad like my therapy has really worked with me like for example, there was a person's name that someone who had abuse me, that their name was so trigger for me and so like any time i'd be with someone and they had mention their name not about the person but baby like their friend or someone they're golf fing with, I was just like i'd feel this like feeling and so I would read a children's book with his name that was just like or i'd read a book about an athlete that had the same name. So it's like getting used to that name in a more positive way. And so I feel like my therapist done such a good job of meeting me where i'm at because in the past, maybe in our therapists, like just tell me all about your trauma.

I'm like, I just let's just start with the children's book like, I want little kids shows something to like baby steps into IT and i've learned there's no write wrong way and I think, like, I have so many people come up to me all the time and share their stories of like being a survival abuse or their mental help struggles. And I always will say to them, like if you're having a tough day, it's okay to watch your favorite ite show on netflix or whatever IT is like it's OK to just like give yourself a break because when you are, people don't realize when you've experiences trauma, you have psc. You're going through IT even if you're on the most beautiful island in the entire world.

You are not there mentally sometimes, and you're just like reliving your trauma over and over again. And so I always try to value people's experiences because I think so many people don't understand trauma. And like the mental side of and how hard IT is to be present when you're going through a hard time, like even if someone's hard time happened ten years ago, you still could be living in every single day.

You still could be super paranoid. You know psd is like not one size fits all. IT affects you in so many different ways.

You could be totally fine. And then there could be like, you know, someone's body lotion reminds you of a smell and IT brings you right back. And so I think that we elders have to talk about IT more. So we're all more aware of like how much people are struggling in dealing with and give people Grace because so if you just need to, it's OK to just be home and take time for yourself. So i'm glad my therapist is kind of given me permission to um to just like take IT really baby stabs and she's really good about like taking a break now finally like good coping with if I feel stressed or something no when I love you sharing .

that to thank you because like I love how you said like i've had certain therapies tell me one thing and it's like it's okay if you do not vie with a therapies it's like dating, get out and this is not something special right? Because like IT doesn't mean that person's about therapies of course are about IT really is a match of like there are people there are certainly have been techniques like you can't have a therapies asking, like you said, a certainly like way and maybe that works for someone else. You just have to like it's not lennar with ptsd and you have to just figure out what works for you and being like easy on yourself. But I also just want to say like thank you for even just like talking whatever you feel comfortable because I can imagine it's fucking exhAusting so you just hearing you speak, you're so wise, but it's like you are thirty years old, like you're so Young and I can imagine it's like a lot of fucking pressure when people want you to speak up and like be an advocate and be the face of IT and and it's like you still you still have your shit that you've to work through. Like I I hope that you know that like it's .

not on you to like always .

help other people and like you focus on yourself in moment where you I can imagine so many Young irl coming up to as amazing but it's also like you can't help them if you're luck. good.

Thank you. I feel I do feel a lot of pressure, and I care a lot. And i've even had male cees pull me aside and say, I was abused a child and thank you for saying something. So i've had a lot of men come up to me and share that.

And I think that was so hard about our world is that there are so many Young boys and men who are survivors of sexual abuse and they don't feel comfortable saying anything because our society doesn't like there's so much pressure on men to be so tough and be mainly and the statistics are so alarming. But there's also so many I think it's actually so much more than that. There's so many people who are really suffer in silence. And I have some people sometimes who i'll be in the grocery store and they're like maybe happened fifty years ago.

You're the only person i've ever told and so I can even tell you how much i've had to work on in therapy of like not over thinking what I say and worrying because I know from personal experience, when we share what we've been through with someone is the only person the first person like that is so correlated to how they're going to heal is being validate to them so I feel I felt so much pressure and now I have found that when i'm honest and just real with them and just supportive, that people are always like so understanding. And I think people have been through hard times, always like give people of the of the doubt and are there for each other. But IT is it's really IT has affected me so much and it's interesting.

I've never i've never actually shared this publicly at all because it's been something that I deal with, i'd say, most days and I think that i've thought about this a lot, where I think that if I didn't train so intensely, my horn tary life and I didn't experience trauma in my, you know, teenage years and Younger years, I have actually been hospitalized several times for just like my body has I read something on insurance that I think really incapable? Tes, that IT says, if you don't pick a data rest, your body will pick IT for you and IT was IT happened twice where it's been like this intense. But I feel like I have different minor issues as well depending on what i'm going throughout the time.

But where, like, I have literally stroke like symptoms I can't remember my name. I'm like flowering. My words I can barely speak. Both times I was tested for a stroke because like, I literally couldn't move my body. I was so scary.

And the first time the doctors had like absolutely no idea what IT was and it's IT was so scary because also my abuse happened with a doctor. So being in the first time I happened was during covet. And so they won't like my mom and the ambuLance of me.

I was also really interesting because I I can I can understand what someone is saying to me and asking me like, I know they're asked me what my name is, but I can't remember my name or say what my name is and I was aware enough to know like, oh my god, I have two men that I can move my arms in my legs, I can move my body, I can speak like, what if they take advantage of me? And so that at the time, this was years ago during covas, so I was like, really still struggling a lot with ptsd, where people not realize how much IT still lives with you when you've been through something traumatic. And so that was really hard, hard for me.

And then um that happened again a little bit over a year ago where I was like I IT actually was in the hospital for three days. And like they obviously don't keep you in the E. R.

For three days for for nothing. But I was really scary. And I remember like they wouldn't released me because I couldn't like set up on my own. IT took me so long, I needed help, like walking, going to the bathroom.

Like IT was just the most to be able to, to go from being like an athlete and being able to push myself so much to being able to literally not even in be able to, like, move my fingers, move my legs. I had like complete, like body paralysis and not even to know like what my name is. IT was so scary.

And it's something where, like, on a daily basis, like I have to manage, making sure that i'm not like a stress, exacerbate that. Like what I have is a real medical thing, but stress makes everything worse. So I have to like be very on top of mythic py.

But then also my therapy has to work with me, like if i'm starting to feel off like I just don't do the exposure stuff. So it's very is very hard and very interesting because I also like, to your point, and very Young, so to have something like that happened was very hard. And then also when I went both times, actually the second time they didn't know who I was when I first scored to the hospital, which is totally find that shouldn't matter.

In the only reason why I sure that is because my mom had said that they kept coming in and asking me to, like, lift my legs and I couldn't. They kept saying, what's your name and I was kind of just like IT, almost like, even like lifting my finger would like takes so much energy that I couldn't even like I just was so out of IT. And they kept kind of like ruling their eyes and not really paying much attention to me.

And then finally, my mom was like, I really hate to do this, but you guys are like ignoring her. I think you think she's like, I don't know what's going on, but you should treat everyone the same way but she's like, I just wanted tell you because you're not believing her but just to give you a perspective of how like abNormal this is and how free doubt I am, SHE was like, do you know who aliases man is? And they were like, yeah, we know who he is.

And my mom's like, well, that's her and then they were like, oh my god and then from there they like, took such great care of me and we're there for me and i'm like, it's I want to share that because it's appalling like IT doesn't matter who you are, everyone deserves to get excEllent medical treatment. And I don't know why they were like rolling their eyes at me, or I thought I was faking, but IT wasn't until they realized that I was a very high level athlete, that they were very nice to me. And taking care of me, which is just like that, also trigger ing for me because already have trust issues with doctors.

So is just really it's just it's been very complicated thing. And then I also have anxiety like I would if I don't feel well again because there's the fear of like when i'm in pairs this summer, i'm going to be so busy there's going to a lot of trigger. I might see someone that maybe didn't protect me in the past.

And so I always am just like, so it's working on that. It's very complicated. So I know that was a lot.

I first of all, I wanted just like pause and be like i'm so sorry again because yes, you like went through at all on my ally ali way. I want to like hug like i'm so sorry hearing the effects of what happened to in the past.

Still live with you, I think, is so important to highlight because it's infuriating when people and there are ignorant people out there that believe that like IT happened so long ago, what aren't like and you said you want to therapy like why aren't you Better like this is with you for the rest of your life yeah and not that IT is going to define you or not, that you can't like live a happy life. But like, this happened to you and IT was so traumatizing that this is like, this is going to impact you. This is going impact like you like, I want to talk about your future relationships and all of that we're going to get to. But like I just think it's important to have these conversations though because it's like educating people on the concept of like this lives forever and this isn't something that goes away and those photos that the entire world remembers of all of you standing there together and speaking up on this that was like day one of the beginning of the rest of your life of, like trying to heal from this. And so like you're talking about these effects, I think it's really important that is .

like I think important we're .

having this conversation around the olympics of like there are so many news casters and broadcasters and people that stand. And it's almost like the athletes are like horses. It's like go like everyone, go like win.

And it's so fun to watch, but we have to stop like neglecting to acknowledge that like these are also the realities and IT doesn't take away from the beauty of sports, but it's the reality of a lot of the things that are happening behind sports. And it's on all of us to listen and to now, like whenever someone sees anything happening again, like someone Better send the fuck up. And I hope that this is like, again, it's not your job to educate these people.

But I hope this can change the culture slightly. And I believe IT will. I believe the two of us sitting here and continued conversation like I believe this will in power people to speak up but it's it's fucking hell and it's a law.

It's a lot to go through as you're sitting here. I'm just like i'm so sorry there's no right thing to say either than like I hope people can listen to you and hear you and know at home if they have endured anything similar. We see you and and anyone that's trying to say to happen so long ago IT happened when you were five. Oh, then it's definitely with you for like this is ingrained in you and you can get through IT but don't feel like you have to get over IT yeah .

I think also both can be true like I love journal s and I have so many wonderful memories with my teammates and i'm still so close with them and there's been i'm so proud of my dynastic s career and i'm so excited to watch the olympics but then also IT could also be true that there was also a lot of moments that are really hard for me and I still struggle with IT to this day.

And I also think to your point of whether someone I think a lot of times people will naturally I think when people have been through hard times, we'll be like my mind wasn't as bad. We kind of justify White on as bad. So I also want anyone who has listened to know, like, don't compare your experience to mind whether your abuse happened one time or hundreds of times or thousands of times.

Every experience is real and valid in IT. All affects us in different ways and you couldn't do anything wrong and it's not your fault. And just know that if you are struggling to your point, if IT was ten years ago, yesterday, fifty years ago, it's okay to still feel however you're feeling.

Um I think that there's not enough people telling people that have been through hard times that we all are on our own path. And you know also I think sometimes people might not be ready to do exposure for therapy and that's fine. IT took me a really long time to be like i'm ready to take this on because it's really hard to open stuff up.

And I think if you want to, it's important in a therapy who would like really do baby steps with you. And also, i'm here to value. I also, I get so annoyed, ed, when people asked me why i'm tired, I just I can't stand IT because I also think like, why do people need an excuse to be tired? No idea what someone is going through.

You could have like the most, you know, incredible job in other people's eyes. But if you're having anxiety, you're just we have no idea you're bordelle with that home or in their personal life. And I just think stress can be so exhAusting like I have seen the way that my stress and trauma has affected my health so much to the point where IT has made me so careful like when someone's like, i'm tired and like, that's cool.

Like just go rest and take care of yourself. But I think people can be really judgmental, or judgmental with our were retired, but were also judgmental when with other people, I think, and IT drives me nuts. Like when someone's like, well, why are you tired and like, I don't have to explain myself to like, you have no idea what i'm dealing with and also like, this would probably shocked people too, but I barely have worked out in eight years because my body is just like, so tired and it's interesting like I don't recover because of the similar with the hospital stuff.

Like my body doesn't recover the way that I used to so if I were to run even for like a couple of minutes, like IT might actually take me like several days to recover or i'll get like a migraine or i'll get supernova. I just have to be very carefully, get very creative with how I take care of myself. But I think that you know, for people who are obsessive working out like they might be like, well, why don't you work out like in my favorite is like when i'm it's funny when you talk about dating, like when I am dated guys, a lot of them really but if you work out, you'll feel Better.

I'm like, no, I have like a full on like medical diagnosis and like i'm going to be OK like my doctor is like confident that it's not going to get worse because i'm aware of IT and everything. But i'm like I just because you might feel Better working out like right now for me IT literally makes me like almost like bomb IT. And I get a migrant, so I just have to do like I might have a good day, but so I going to have a good day as an athlete.

I like push myself to and i'm exhausted. But people, it's been hard with dating to get a guy to be very empathetic and like, know how to like, be there for me if I don't feel well. Like people, people don't always know how to like, handle IT well. And my mom is so good at IT.

Like in the times where i've gone to the hospital, my mom instead of being like you're fine because that's also the world like i'm not fine, i'm not OK, it's not ah so when my mom will always say they're going to help you, like it's okay, i'm here for you. They are going to help you and that is just like everything I need to hear because it's like she's validating, like this is crazy and we're going to figure this out. We're going to help you.

But she's also like there for me and encouraging me. But other people just like don't know what to say, they're just like just breathe. They'll be fine. And I like, no, I literally I literally lying on the door.

I can move my body. I think sometimes like note to anyone that finds themselves doing that, which I understand maybe you're trying to help, but it's like sometimes not saying anything but being like i'm here for you is all you need to do. Yes, like stop trying to solve the problem where you tired because i'm depressed because I max ious. Look, whatever IT is just saying like i'm here for you. Let me know if you need anything like and shut up.

Yes, just shot up like sometimes people it's read the room like just stop your dating life yeah and let's I want to talk about this because IT is all in her twin and I think there's so many Young women that listen to this podcast that like it's it's hard because when people write and and ask me questions, I wish all the time I could sit there and answer all of them being like what I need back story, like what was you're Operating like that all is affecting when you're trying to date in the men that you're picking or the women you're picking or whoever you're picking. So obviously, you're in this moment of your life right now. We are kind of trying to like process separating and crack me from wrong kind of process separating your identity from your name s and separating that of like ally and like the adult woman you are today.

And like you're trying to separate that. And in dating, that's like a third head that popped up. That's like another beast that you have to take on in this article that you wrote. IT was so brilliant and beautiful when I read that. I was like, I wanted you to read the whole thing today, but i'm not going to make you do that. But I have a card that I printed out that has a couple lines from your article that I want you to just read because I thought I was so profound and accurate and when when I was reading IT, i'm like, yes, yes, yes. So if you don't mind just reading this for the dad.

yes, this is actually my favorite part. Me too. This is like the first thing that I had written.

Okay, i've lost count of how many times people have told me you're too picky, you're difficult. Standards are too high. Give him another chance.

You're probably intimidate him. Maybe you should make yourself smaller. Your biological clock is ticking.

Don't you want to have kids? You should put yourself out there more. How are you still single? rarely.

And I asked, how are you? How do you feel with your partner? Do you like the person you are when you're with them? You're single. That's great. It's so important to take time to figure out who you are preach.

But actually, what the hell, when I read that, I felt like IT IT was so like truly emblematic of every Young woman experience with society of like we give another chance, like why don't you? And it's like because they don't like him, because he makes me feel like sick, because it's talks IT like there is just so many things that women go through in there twenty years and thirties when they're trying to find a partner.

And so I wanted talk to first all like, why did you decide to write this article? And i'll link IT in the description dad games, you guys can not really, because it's amazing. But why did you decide write that?

I feel like i'm always trying to think about ways of how I can talk about things that are important to me, but it's also really important to me to be related. And I want to be related, and I know that so many people are going through so much different stuff. And I know for myself that I do feel the pressure.

I've even I love my parents, but I literally had to tell them like, you can like, yeah like every time they would be like what we really want to have grandkids and like, I would love to be a mom one day but like, you can control when you're going to find the right person. And I like, I love you guys so much and I would love to give you grandkids, but let just take a beat and so they like, I told them one time and now they now it's like, totally fine, but there so well intention. They're just excited.

But I also will tell my mom and dads stories, like when I don't have great experiences with dating and because I want them to understand, it's not easy to find that right connection. And I think it's very it's a very different time that when they were dating, when they were Younger. And I just know that there's a lot of people who feel the pressure to find someone.

And I think that especially in this instagram social media world, there's so much pressure for like this perfect relationship, and we want to post the most perfect version of ourselves. And you know, no matter who you are, nobody's life is perfect. Knowing relationship is perfect. But I also think it's kind of interesting to me IT almost feels like there's this like pressure that in our late twenty were like supposed to fine the right person. I feel like the odds of us all find that right person is just not realistic.

And I wanted to sort of be a part of the narrative of trying to change that because this is so much pressure and I feel like even I was just for july fourth weekend, I was with friends and just like the amount of people that were like all dating anyone and i'm just like, I don't I now no matter what and like, oh, no, i'm not, I just don't I also kind of feel more guarded and protective because i've shared so much publicly that i'm very protective over people that I did in my relationship just because IT should be sacred in special. And I think that IT is it's really hard to find that good fit. And I also feel like i've gone through so much that I didn't really have the confidence to know who I was.

And I feel like now I like just feeling more confident. And it's really interesting because I feel like now i'm finally, at the point where I feel like when I was Younger, dating in my early chinese, I was so hard in the early days because I was so to like, even tell them like this makes me A I don't want to do this. And now it's so interesting.

The more communicate whether it's like from the first day or the first tex there. So like they're more into me because of IT. It's really interesting and I feel really grateful for that because IT makes me feel I feel very quickly I realize who actually israel supportive and understanding and IT makes me, when I do communicate what would make me more comfortable in their like totally fine with IT in fact, go out of their way to do that IT just makes me feel so much safer with them. So it's i'm going into very differently now or i'm not as afraid to be like I really would like this. This would make me feel good where I was so afraid, I think I was afraid they would leave then, you know and I like amazing.

Thanks for let you know. I think that's so reliable and thank you for sharing that because boundary setting with like a romantic partner and when I say romantic partner IT could be your first state like you're trying to come off like you know fun time girl and like you want to not bring like your baggage and be like when do we have this conversation and there are so many things that everyone wanders, like, I was having a conversation with my sister recently and we were having fun girl talk.

And like, SHE was asking me a question and I was like, this is such a good question like she's dating and he was like, is IT weird if I bring this up here and I was like, I don't think so, but you know what if you do and he ask, well, leave the date like, there's so many things that you second guess yourself for when you are dating. And I think it's so understandable because there are so many pieces of shut out there that can make you feel small, that can make you feel insane for bringing something up. And to have you now realized, like, oh my god, I said what I ve always want you to say and like, I was just met with like amazing like thanks letting know way.

But you probably couldn't have done that back then, not because you weren't actually capable of saying those words. It's a confidence thing and it's like a learned habit that you just have to like exercise the muscle more to become because it's actually not about them. It's all about you, is what you be able to sit there and to advocate for yourself and be able to even express that because, baby, in your early early twice, you don't know yeah you know what was uncomfortable you know fire like what to say or what if you didn't want that? What did you want?

Now you're like, she's .

figuring that out. I'm interested like have you ever kind of like continued seeing someone because you just felt like you were behind and you are like fucking IT like i'll just keep kind of like i'll go on another date because i'm single and like whatever before you kind of got to this new year.

I feel like, yes, I have, but it's okay. Someone told me recently that really helped me there because I was saying I was like, all my god, i'm like, so like clinging that I date to this person for so long and they're like, if you not looking back in, cringing ing, you're not growing and I was like, that is what I needed to hear that made me feel .

Better on that the ad ging, if you are so embarrassed by next of yours, me included, let's all pause and you're so right. IT just means growth. It's growth. Think god were all cringing being like but .

i'm just sometimes like horrified that the stuff that I would put up with you .

know and i'm example like obviously, we're not taking specific.

I feel like it's interesting. I so me that I ve struggled with with dating is that in the beginning the guys are like really great. They're happy, their chill and and also do what we are time up before I would want.

I want a guide to communicate to me what they want to. And I also have had a therapy time told me this i've never forgotten I T1个 used to like weight。 And then i'd like we talk about and be like this whole thing. We're like it's funny.

I feel like if you bring something up and it's like just a little little bit like on your mind verses like you have like a thirty second conversation about IT in the other persons like great like you on the way to dinner go like hate. By the way, this would like really mean a lot to me if we did this instead or didn't do this, they're like cool IT were as if you wait till IT happens like fifty times and you have a three hour conversation about IT. So I tried to like also just bringing IT up really fast and then it's quick and it's done and then they like forget about IT.

It's not a big deal and I would want the same time for them. But i've strolled with I think I don't know if it's because some of the guys i've dated maybe weren't like okay with my success of my life, but I feel like we've got a very resentful and very moody. I don't know like moody is the right word, but have you located a guy that's very moody?

Because IT is just not fun. Oh, that is miserable. IT is in your tips, tolling around them, everything's ruined.

You are on eggshells. IT almost. It's, you know what IT is? I feel like that so interesting. I've had that where because of their insecurity about your success through the moodiness and through the like the lashing out moment, it's a way it's like a power tactic where becomes all about them, everything is on their terms.

And you're kind of like we are week's still going to dinner or you pissed and we're just gone to sit here in silence like what are we doing and like everything is on their terms, but it's all like a manipulation tactic at the end of the day. And like IT may not be so manipulative and what they're doing, it's the insecurity that breeds this. Like how can I gain control? Because I feel so out of control because she's the one in a position of power in their mind.

Meanwhile, you're little like in in my success that has nothing to do with you. I i'm here in this relationship. Why are we act like moodiness? Oh.

IT is like, I would say that something that immediately like within like immediately I bring that up to any new guy i'm dating. I'm like, this is a total deal break up for me. I can't like a guy is allowed to be upset.

We're in a bad music bit when you take IT out on me and you're mean to me and you like ruin something that we're doing together. That's not okay. But everyone is allowed to. Everyone is good days, bad days.

Like if someone's in a bad mood and they're like i'm in a really bad mood, but like I need like i'm onna go to the gym or I need some space or like can we talk about IT? Totally fine. But yeah i'm sure you've had like when you do some thing together, you're like we just went to this concert.

I would have gone with my friend where i'd rather you have not gone or like, why are we going to dinner together if you're just like miserable like I went, have rather you told me and we wouldn't have done that. So I just that is something I look back in kringle on. I'm like, I think because i'm a people pleaser and I tried, I really wanted to help them.

I didn't realize like a difference between being supportive to your partner and then having them treat you not well. So I ve been learning that. But that is something like, I immediate ing up two guy like I am like that is a deal break er for me and i'm not going to be treated like that.

That's interesting when you look back at that lines is like one thing. I feel like now that you're talking about IT more it's a little bit more than moodiness.

I think.

So yeah, yeah, again.

yeah. I I I don't think I really people please .

are in moving like he's just medium.

Hold on. No, I think yeah it's yeah you're right. Yeah you are right. Add that to the list of therapy yeah right that down yeah all right. That's the thing that I like that is a full on deal break.

Not treating you right.

But it's interesting because I don't want to like you know give into what's interesting. Like when you think about stereotypes, I feel like women are serotype ally told that we're very moody and like we're like on our periods and everything. And this is just in my experience.

I'm not trying to generalize, but like the women in my life are not in bad moods and I honestly, I honestly like are there in a vagon with they like communicate would be but I really there are a lot of men in my life that I do not and I think it's because our society doesn't like men be men. I'll give them benefit doubt for a moment but like I feel like a lot of men in my life and not even just in relationships in different areas, will take out their bad mood on me and i'm also like sometimes it's too nice from working on. I need to be Better at being.

It's just it's very hard for me. But it's really interesting because i'm like, why is there such like sigma that women are always moody? But I think as we're more open about therapy, we could call each other and be like i'm having the worst day we talk IT out and we're good, but I don't think men have that same outlet.

Okay, I think you're on the something and you're so right. I think it's this. I think women are more emotional in the best way because we actually express our emotions and we actually are trying to like constantly work through things. And the way that we get through IT is most of the time communicating like if i'm upset, i'm going to say something. We all know that we cannot hold back.

Like are you good at saying something if you're upset?

Oh yeah, i've gotten Better. But even when I was bad at IT, I hadn't been in therapy. Like it's gonna come out one way another.

It's just a matter if if is coming out immediately or am gonna go set in the room for hour and then i'm going to walk out and tell him i'm upset like it's coming out with men. Men are moody. Women are emotional.

And I would waive rather be emotional because at least i'm in tune with my emotions. The moodiness is this big twister of a storm of all these things, and it's like, poke the bear and they're so moodie. And it's like wire, you moody, they can tell you, because they don't know how to half the time express emotions by.

I just wish men knew, like I find IT so attractive when a guy is vulnerable and open, like, if a guy, it's so I think it's so hard to find a man who is secure enough in himself to be like, can you just sit down with me for a minute? I'm like having a really tough day or struggling on this. Like, I would feel so into that and so attracted to that, that I wish more men knew that, that is so attractive.

And I feel I have empathy for them that they feel like they can they have to be so tough all this because it's so there's literally nothing Better when you're like on a day and you're dislike by and you're just like most president yeah connecting about stuff and it's just it's really nice to have that connection with you. Both don't feel judge. You both can go to each other. And I think that that is hard to find. And that's like I think relationships IT should be they should be hard to find because saying that's what makes like finding .

the right person in your is what partner were you pursuing like describe .

oh um I used to I used to really go for the athletes, the professional, and it's really hard to really good. There have been a few very sweet wines and i'm grateful for that. But yeah, it's IT was I it's hard. It's hard to find a good one. I just .

think that yeah.

I definitely intreated the way I think that girls developed to be just that. I think, yeah, I think that was definitely my type. But I also will say, what's interesting is, like for years people were like, you got to stating the athletes once, like, art IT, i'll date.

Like, i'll go on a date with anyone and i've been like, so open I literally would like if someone set me up with someone like I don't need to see a picture like i'll just go on a day and I go these dates and i'm like, okay, maybe I should be like, it's like fighting that I was trying to like find the right baLance of like trying to be more open because I also think it's like crazy when we meet someone you feel a vive and like, you know, you think about like maybe if someone showed a photo of them, you wouldn't have maybe said yes. So I try to be like very open minded, but like even dating guys who are not professional athletes and like not in the public guy, like some of them are not great there. So I just really just depends.

I think that there is always like good guys and same thing with i'm sure guys i'll say the same thing. There are some girls, they are women they've dated that are wonderful and others like we all have had probably good and bad experiences. But um I think that what i've also learned to excuse what you think about this is like I I take IT so personal Young.

Like if I dated in a there are poetesses thirty people at the same time. Like if they're not looking for something, there's just most of the time is no chance. Like they're not interested and it's not I wish I knew like dating wasn't personal because I used to take IT very personal our Younger and now i'm realizing like at least for me, I feel like guys show pretty quickly like what they're looking for and what they're interested in. Like i'd have a guy like years ago who like you know would like text me like once every you know two weeks or like barely take much time on my god, you think he's just busy? It's like, no, he's just not interesting.

He's definitely not busy, could be busy.

but he's also not yeah like I think now I do a Better job of not over thinking and just being like they're either like I love I saw something, an instrument. It's like when a guy is until you know if you're confused, it's just not IT.

And I really tell myself that too like IT doesn't mean especially the beginning, like every person has like a different cats of how like, even if sometimes I think people get so caught up and like of your texting every day you're doing this, like is, are they taking you out to dinner? Are they showing interest? Are they like you? I think that our gut is usually right and we should listen to that more because I think that, that is something I wish I listen to more is like understanding that if a guy is like looking, then they're looking. But if they're not, it's like it's kind of hard to, I think in my experience, like change their minds. I completely .

agree with you. And I think though what I have started to realize out saying the past couple of years as like I used to look at IT a lot like, oh, I wish I would have done differently. And I actually the only thing I would change about everything you're saying is like I think that guys definitely do show you immediately like what they're kind of down to give you. And I think a lot of the times when we are not completely like full within ourselves and and good and like no exactly what we want, we ignore that and we just choose to like kind of see what we want out of them. And I think that's Normal and that's natural because that just means you're not ready for that and game relationship yet.

You still have work to do because if you are going for someone that is treating you like that, it's because you're working something out on your end of like you needed to get this certain validation and you like this one part of them and you're completely ignoring the part where they're like treating you like shit and then eventually IT ends because you wake up to being like, I feel like shit, why is happening and then you go to the next relationship. And then maybe if you go for something a little different, it's because you're looking for something different to fill the void of xyz. All of a sudden, the string of moments of dating all these different people build you into this healthy person.

Because you start to just create your palette like, taste of, like, I like this, I definitely would never go for that because we all know IT you go on the date and all of the site in your like I remember my accident that no, i'm not interested in your out, but you needed to learn IT in the first place to even recognize IT. That's how I felt like when I met mat, I there were so many Green flags and I I always say had I met mat when I was like twenty two, I would have probably not dated map because I wasn't ready for mat. So like I think in a way, when you're dating there, there's almost like a hopeful element I can give to all the girls listening if like.

And you have like this is really exciting because you are like building this like rapid of like memory and understanding and you're just understanding what you like, what you don't like, and you're putting up with things as studies that feels in the moment that you'll never put up with again unless you don't grow. And half of the battle is on you when people are like, god, what this happened to me again? Did that happen to? Where did you put yourself in that position again?

I know I once had to actually a mal therapy said any one time he was like, I was just talking him about dating and he was like, why do you think you're are attracting these people .

who are training?

You know, I was like, okay, you have a point I was like, but maybe you say you can say a little and nice or but he was like, what what do you think is like wrong with you that you're attracting people like that? And I was like, that is something that like i'm the common denominator or so like I have to and also that is separate from like if someone's an abusive relationship, very different, very, very different.

But for me, like I just had to take a hard look at being, like I also go through phases, but like I go on dates and then i'm like, I need to break and I need to take dating for time yeah, I need to take some time for myself. And it's really interesting as like the times and i'm the most happy being single and on my own, I like really try to think about, i'm only gonna date someone to let someone in my life if they just like enhance or add to my life. And I think that really helps when I have that foundation of knowing what I want and what i'm looking for. But IT is it's I definitely like the idea of being with someone when it's not right is just so lonely to me and I just don't .

want that it's so lonely. And I I need to find this article I read IT so many years ago that my mom sent me now looking back and like I think SHE sent this view when I was in my previous relationship that was miserable and thanks. And it's a little like diagram that this person grow.

And it's an article about how like someone that is single is one step away from a healthy relationship. Someone that is married or in a relationship in a miserable relationship is three steps away from a healthy happy relationship because they have to remove themselves from that relationship, then they have to get good on their own again, and then they can starch to seek health and happiness with another person. But it's like that's so exciting and you have to be I be so intentional about who you let into your space.

But I agree, it's like you have to get so good with yourself because that's when you really start to attract good energy. When you get out of a relationship and you flame yourself to the next, that's when you're just kind of like off baLance, just trying to find anything that would like make you feel happy. But for a quick moment, it's not like you're actually stable enough to be like, hold on, what did I learn from that relationship? Let me be alone for minute now. Let me go find something Better. It's really tough though IT get exhAusting .

IT is exhausted. I'm curious what you think about this because I feel like a lot of people have different opinions on like when I go on a first state, like if I am not excited to see them again, like if i'm even on the fence, i'm not going on a second day. I'm curious what your perspectives is on that. I just think I should be like easy .

and comfortable.

Okay.

I have thoughts. okay?

I was just having this conversation with a friend because he is dating right now and he was like, I I like, didn't go on a second date with him and I was like, why and choose? Like, I don't know. Like the Sparks weren't there and I was like.

do they kiss? No so as you don't know until .

you I agree .

so it's like I will say that like sometimes there is almost just like awkwardness .

yes and then when you yes, I like him so down for first is on a yeah I actually, well.

you know it's kind of funny is sometimes like I feel like it's funny the guys he really comfortable just like grabbing and kissing on the first day thousand sometimes they are just like so smooth know they're doing and maybe they're a little bit more of a yes, agree. But like so it's in then sometimes the guys that are a little bit more timid, not always yes, but they are just like trying to be like really sweet and respectful and IT just depends on like they are experience like if you're dating .

a professional athlete, like, yeah.

yeah.

yes, I just going so yeah.

yeah. You're like, way you just go to me. You just told me you wanted to date me and then you just .

goes to me and married. Yeah.

okay, that IT just depends, depends on who IT is. You have to let know the person. Yes, so I think IT depends like I do. I went o OK. My theory is this.

What my friend said to me was he was like, you said that like you and math had Sparks immediately on the first day. And i'm like, that is true. However, I have been in love before and I have been in love with people before that I didn't feel the like insane Spark on the first day.

And so I think my my neural to that, I tell my friends, is unless IT was like so bad that you were like whether IT was how they spoke about something that you're like, I don't like the way they spoke about, like their family or their mom or like, wow, that was a red flag if IT was like a IT was a good day like, I don't know if the vibe is there, but I can't tell go on the second date because I feel like first dates unless you are a fucking pro. And then yet again, why are you a pro at first states? IT is like harder than a job in your view, in my opinion, because a job interview, you have your piece of paper and you're reading your exact qualities.

And IT doesn't actually matter that much on your personality. This is like every fucking thing of the delicate dance of your looks. Your, are you funny? Are you charismatic? What your personality do you vive IT all has to IT match perfectly in one hour at a dinner.

Like, give IT a second shot. I think once the second day doesn't go well. Never see them again.

But if I was like a hm, I don't know. I would say tried again, I would say try a different vibe than the first. It's if you did a dinner now go to an activity. If you did activity now go sit down and have face to face dinner. I would say do as I can.

I think IT also depends on if you're dreading going on a second date. Yeah no.

but I think checking with yourself, check with yourself because I used to do that and I was like, am I dreading going on the second date? Doesn't have anything to do with him or am I being lazy and am I being and when I say lazy, am not actually being lazy. Am I being like, I want this to be easy.

I wanted to feel IT immediately. I wanted to Spark to be there and I wanted to be a done deal. And I wanted to be like, boom, it's not easy because do the work in the beginning because then once you actually in a relationship like that, also another set of just hell where you're like they go out each other, others trauma and boundaries and family shit like the first date. I don't know. I don't think I don't think we can count people out unless .

there a lining issue, lot of people say. But what do you think about if you're on state or a second day in your case and the kiss, you don't feel that, that I don't want his work Spark because I feel like that's like unrealistic but you just yeah, it's not there, do you I don't I think if you don't have that like physical sexual chemistry in the beginning, I don't think you you can like .

grade I completely agreed and I think that .

is so disappointing when that happens to IT is so .

nice because you are like yes versus when if you went on the first state you didn't kiss, you go on a second day and you are like kind of fanatic zing about IT. You're like walking around your place. You're like drinking your coffee in the morning, like picturing like you're most like creating like a movie in your head of like what it's going to be and then IT happens and you're little like.

like I need to go home.

You like, oh god, i'm never going to see you again and that was not. And then when they're into IT .

and you're now that's what I was going to say you I sometimes feel like, do you think that like we are sometimes more picky about that than men? Yes, because I think that there you also .

then don't know their intention completely. Are they just hoping that you're going to sleep with you? Well, you're like, i'm actually like looking partner so they're like, yeah I also amazing.

Let's go playing your little like I hate you like I little felt nothing below the valley but and like we got ta go. I think that manner less picky because manner just like dogs and they're just like a that was great. Me more like, that wasn't great.

Like, what about that was great, Daniel? Like, that was bad. I need me alone. So no, I I think you I think you're on the right track. I also think everyone is different, but I don't know, ladies, maybe this is like the year of second dates because then at least your I think that you're training yourself too.

Maybe then you can just start knowing in the first day, but start pushing yourself to see if there is a shift ever on the second day and then maybe there isn't you like, holy shit, maybe I need to stop counting people out. Because what I said to my friend was he was so cute, he was like, you know me, I can be little socially awkward the moment. And I was like, but think about this, how many times have you told me I wish people knew me, like, in settings with, like, all of us and our friends, when i'm the most comfortable, you wish that people would give you that.

So give that to the other person that, wow OK right .

vince going, 第一个 girl like to do。 I think it's listened there. There is no harm in an and what I can say is, if you are super anxious about the first ater second day, you could do IT as like a drinks or something that you have somewhere to afterwards.

So you always have an out. And then if you're vibes be like, let me cancel my fucking dinner. Like, let's actually have dinner together. Let's go on the street. But you can always give yourself an out like let's I have like an hour before like a work thing I have to go to like one to meet her drinks like IT doesn't have to be this fucking the record. Sit down dinner where you're literally like at the .

appetizers and he's eating is caller .

and you're like, I am litera do that that rabid worse when .

you're they are just like you just know right .

away you're good lock you .

like but also I will say, so i'm really going to date with someone and you are like, you are the nicest person. You are going to be an amazing just yeah, you're amazing. You're going to make some person so happy. I just met me. It's just not me. But that does that's what dating is in personal like i've gone in so many days from like you're just like so wonderful of nothing bad to say about you but it's just like and is the same with men i've been in serious relationship with two and like you're so wonderful that gist there's .

you know when you're it's when was .

last day you went on and IT was a few weeks. IT was a few years, but i'm not showing anything else. Not hearing anything out. Was IT the first day yeah not hearing anything else.

I just say that yeah and anything like alex Alice like to go well, yeah i'm but not I just keep about people .

doing yeah .

but that's saying, did you mean on a .

dating APP or no no.

you should I keep asking? Okay, OK, OK, OK. We're going on.

We're moving on. This fabulous. I know this. I like having the best time. I like I could keep going.

I love the, the, the biggest point that I love about you writing that article too was about calling out like, i'm thirty now and like everyone's like what is like you are Young and you are beautiful and you are successful. And I think it's important, especially for women. I understand we have our biological clock. Don't rush into something just because of a biological clock like what like what am be miserable with a brand and person that you hate just because it's like we're thirty times up like no um what are you the most excited about like entering your thirties right now?

Well, I feel like I most excited because I i've been told for a long time that when you hit thirty, you kind of careless and so i'm like slowly getting there. But I think i'm just excited to like peel back the layers of who I am and just have more fun, focus more on my person. And also, I had a friend one time tell me he was at her battery party actually, and this was years ago. And he just said, you have so much to look forward to. You like, you still have like that so far.

Anyone you single this actually really helped me is like you still have that like first day your first kiss, like you know going into that like talking stage and falling in love and like there's still so much look forward to and if you're in a relationship or you're married, you still love so much look forward to as well like there's so much different beautiful variations in chapters of life that i'm excited to keep growing and evolving and figuring out who I am because I also think its important to give ourselves like space and permission to if you want to outgrow a friendship, you want to try something new, you want to, whatever IT is, like, do what you want to do and do what makes you happy. So i'm starting to like care a little bit less. but. I think that's so beautiful. Can you tell I care too much.

too much. You're like, I don't care.

I like, I like, I swear I.

I literally .

don't give a shack.

I actually think when you were saying that, I just maybe think of something that is kind of beautiful. I when when I was reading that article you wrote IT was really interesting, know and you mentioned IT earlier, like talking about comparison right of instagram. And it's like every fucking week you open your phone and it's like someone got engaged or someone how to baby.

And I looked back at when I was single, and I talked about this recently, like I have two different front group. One friend group is like, all married and have babies. And i'm like the one last on the total pool.

And then my other friend group is like i'm ahead of the friend group in terms of like my relationship status or whatever the help you want to call IT. And I realized like we compare ourselves when we're single to the people in relationships that are getting married of that stuff, we need to stop. Because what I can tell you all is this, here's a secret, I am now married, and now i'm comparing myself to the moms.

And what I hear from the moms is then you compare yourself in your parenting style and where your kids are at, and then you compare what your like, what is your life baLance to your kids and your critic. The comparison literally never stops unless you stop IT. And so yes, IT feels right now like this big point of like, wow, I me there married.

I'm not it's not just that. It's every fucking aspect of life is every fucking thing. Women are just we keep comparing ourselves.

And my doing IT is good and my doing IT is good. And so I thought I would stop like, wow, I am about to turn thirty this summer. I just got married.

And i'm like, IT really doesn't matter that I got married. Like, know what does sorry matter? No, what IT does. IT does that does, I promise. But I bet, I mean, in terms of that, like, of course, IT was amazing and beautiful, but I also would have been so happy if I happened at thirty five, you know, I mean, like or forty like the timeline, we need to be nicer to ourselves because the comparison game, the next step you get to that a whole new kind of forms of comparing. So like, don't worry, IT.

is it's so interesting because for women, as you mention before, like we have the 这个， and it's also like so unfair how inaccessible egg freezing this woman and how expensive that is. I think it's so unfair because for the women that are able to afford IT, I think for so many IT gives you sort of like a little bit more, a little bit longer, timely.

Not a little bit, but probably a lot longer if you're able to afford to and you're able to even like take off the time you need for work and everything where men don't have to worry about that. So it's very different. And I I think it's so messed up how expensive agri val is.

It's it's so expensive. And obviously, people need IT for various reasons, but I think that adds a really complicated piece to IT. And I also think that there's also so much pressure I was going to put this in the article but then I just like didn't it's like a bounce of not writing too much and right um but there's also so many people I don't want to be a mom and that's also OK.

And I think a lot of people feel guilty for that. And if someone doesn't want to be a mom or dad, they don't have to be. And I feel like people are so judgmental.

And I know, you know, for some of my friends that are married like they must feel like everywhere they go, people ask them when when you're having kids and it's like it's just not everyone wants you, but it's also so much pressure and also so many people struggle with infertility and it's just such a personal thing that people go through. And there's just like so many layers to IT. But I just think like i'm someone where i've always wanted to be a mom and i'm excited for that. But I can imagine like how frustrating I must be for people who don't want to be a mom, but maybe feel like they have to be or they feel a pressure.

Yeah no, I love you're ally. And I think this is like it's like the trickle down effect of like I think a huge thing i'm also taking from this and I try really hard like I never ask people in interviews like do you want kids because it's like we don't know anything behind the seeds kind of when you said, when people ask me, why are you tired?

Literally stop, just stop, stop asking people like I like, oh my god, with the minute I got engaged, when are you getting married when you're having kids? Like, oh my god, like, some of these people feel so entitled to answers that they have no business having or even asking. And I feel like we need to stop asking people, do you want kids or oh my god, when are you getting married and like, are you dating ally?

It's like read the room. If you have now asked ali or one of your single friends constantly, every time you see them, imagine how annoying that is. Like, imagine how frustrating that is.

Like, maybe wait. Like how what's going on in your life? Like how are you doing well.

if I wasn't a like happy relationship, like you would know, I will tell you exactly you'd be here with me, you would know but sometimes it's, yeah, I was at a group dinner and someone actually that I didn't know the other day was like, slike in front of everyone.

They mean, well, but there was like, so I like, what's the dating life? Like, and what like are you dating anyone now? And like, after being asked ten times that day and like, I just, why does this always have to be the conversation? Like, why can I just be?

It's just all the time we like, what if you ve been up to? Like, would you have them? Like, anything fun? You're looking ford to you up to this summer. Like, I think that we, yeah, I would just say, daddy, I ging like, be more cognition anytime you're asking your friends, whether the single friends, whether the married friends, whatever IT is, like, be mindful and read some context clues. Like if your friend hasn't brought up kids to you, maybe it's because he doesn't want them, or maybe she's having a hard time with IT like being a little bit more generalized in our questioning and like letting them answer what they want to answer about their life and stop leading with like something so pointed that kind of put them on the spot. It's like, excuse you.

it's like shocking I think for people the reason why I also undo the article was because it's like how often do we hear someone be like I just turned thirty and i'm feeling Better than I have in a very long time and i'm also like i'm okay with being single like i'd rather be single and wait until I have a good match and and I also feel like as a woman too, I don't know if you ever struggled with this with dating, but I felt like as I got older, I have this.

I'm like I really hope that guys don't perceive just because they know my age and i'm like desperate or like you know that like perception of like I feel like I hope they're not thinking. I'm just like in a rush because I don't have a time line. I genuinely don't and I always wonder .

that I think you can I think you can um point to that by the way you speak on your dates of like yeah like i'm just like i'm all be honest. I'm dating and i'm kind of just like looking for a people that like i'd like to spend time with and like i'm not in any rush to do anything. I'm just like looking for like a good person to like hang out with and spend time with them.

Like I think the way that you speak about IT ah can immediately disarm that concept of like no, you're not desperate. You're actually like Better than ever right now and you're like working on yourself and no one is gonna get to just come in and like bigger partner, they're going have to be really fucked and great. okay. Last question, what is something that you've learned about yourself recently that you wish you had known in your early one?

Good mine. I wish that I trusted my god more and just listen to that more and and also realizing it's OK, in fact, important to be myself. And I found the more I figure out who I am, the more the Better relationships I have in the more that I have so um yeah I think trusting my .

god ali cannot thank you for for coming on. This was like one of my favorite conversations. I just think that we had so many different points. You are so smart and just like such a fascinating human being and I really appreciate you opening up because I just know this episode is going to touch so many women and like, you really went in so many different directions that I like, I have no questions left like you killed that you crossed IT thank you for coming on like, I am so happy we finally met and now let's go hand in oh my god.

you going to thirty? No August but no that's why yeah we're going to we're going to be like our first like yeah, we're going to have okay, yeah thank you someone for having me so wonderful this.