#2175 - Sam Tallent
02:30:43 Share

They have a real like... Estonia? Yeah, so like the comics there. It's called Humor Clibby, I think. And every show done in Estonia is only produced by these comics.

So no one gets a piece of it besides comedians. Oh. Yeah. So they've like totally collectivized comedy in Estonia. Oh, so they've sort of developed their own scene, just the comics. So there was no comedy club that was available and they kind of created something? Well, Estonia has been a country since like 1994. Yeah. You know, so it's like all brand new. And I think free speech was just legalized like, you know, last year or whatever. And they brought me over. Yeah.

But the crowds, bro. I did a show in the college town there, and I was like – I watched the first two comics, Ari, very funny, not getting big laughs. So I went out there and tried to, like, attack all this crowd. And at one point I was like, where do you work, ma'am? And she went, no! That was the amount that they wanted to connect. And, like, they don't laugh audibly. But afterwards I'm out there selling merch, and they're all like –

That was a pleasure. It was the time of my life. Thank you. It's like, okay, well, in America, typically we smile at least if we're having the time of our life. It was like someone was going to throw a rock at him if they made any noise. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. They're probably shell-shocked. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Oh, you got to imagine. Ari's like... Ari Matty, who we're talking about, who is very, very funny, is such a joyful guy. Silly. Yeah. Yeah. Like, how did he come out of there? Well, I think he's just happy to be out of there. Like, he just turned him into who he is now. It's like in The Great Escape when he sees sunlight and all he can do is smile. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's...

It's interesting when you see someone who's really talented that comes out of a place that doesn't have any history of it. Yeah. Well, they've got to create their own culture there. So they've got to figure out how to do stand-up. And I think that Ari can do stand-up in like three different languages. Wow. Yeah. So what does Estonian, what do they speak? I think Estonian is Estonian.

I think Estonian. Oh, they have their own language? I think so. But they've only been a country since 94. Right. Well, so they were a country and then Russia came in and they weren't a country and then Russia left and then they were a country and then Russia came back, I think, and then they were a country after that. So they just have this history of having a boot on their neck for years and years. So I think he can do Estonian and then I think he can do Russian and English. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. And he can, like, kill you with his bare hands. And he looks great with his shirt off. Yeah, he was an MMA fighter. Yeah. He had three fights. And he's fighting Estonians. They're just scary people. That's how you go 0 and 3. Yeah.

I'm like, you're too nice. You're too nice to be in that game. Yeah, quit doing act outs. Yeah, he was with a legit gym, too. Legit gym. It was a straight blast gym. That's Conor McGregor's gym. He's an affiliate of that. Yeah, he's legit. Yeah. I'm happy for him. I signed his, like, visa letter. Oh, yeah? Him and James McCann. I'm both on them. So if either of them fuck up, I'm going to be in big trouble. I don't know McCann. James McCann is Shane's boy from Australia. Oh, I do. That's right. I'm sorry. No, I do know him. That's right. There's so many fucking names now. It's hard.

I've met more people in the last year and a half since the club's been open than I have probably ever in my life. I try to keep an eye and pay attention to all these new faces and new comics. Oh, yeah. You know, but it's pretty amazing. Well, you make yourself available to them, too, which is cool. I admire that about you.

Because you could just, like, be a man in a tower and, like, you know, do this thing. But no, you're, like, out there. No, I'm one of us. You know, that's the only reason why the club works. Oh, for sure. Yeah, you can't. That would be gross. I don't have very little say in how things even go on. I hired good people, and I said, let's just make sure that we have some core tenants, you know, in terms of, like, the pay structure. It's, like, entirely, you know...

of most clubs. Yeah. The money goes to the comics. Yes. Which it should. Uh-huh. If you're a comic and you don't have it set up like that, what the fuck are you doing? I don't know. We always knew we were getting robbed. Right. Right? And we were like, hey, thank you for robbing me. Thank you for the opportunity. I'm a club owner now, so I'm like, I know we were getting robbed, so I'm not going to do that. Yeah. I'm not going to have it. But it's funny how many club owners get mad at it. Oh.

Oh, dude, I mean, I'm finally selling tickets now after, like, you know, fighting it out for, like, 20 years. And the independent clubs will give you every penny that they can give to you. Yeah. Whereas, like, the corporate-owned clubs are, like, you know, they have the exact spreadsheet. Oh, they're brutal. Yeah. They're so brutal. They're so brutal. I... This is, like...

I don't want to say who it was. Oh, my God. I just got a hot toss in my eye. Oh, no. I fucked up. I was eating something with ghost peppers today, and I forgot I had it on my hand, and I just wiped my eye. At least you didn't touch your dick. Wow.

Ah, it did touch my dick. That's the worst. It's not that bad. It's not as bad as the eye. Oh, I did a jalapeno, and then I touched my dick, and then my wife came home, and I had the tip of my penis in a saucer of milk. She was like, what are you up to? I'm just like crying with my dick in cream. That's like that old Eddie Murphy bit about putting the aftershave on his balls. Oh, yeah. I have clear eyes if you think that'll help at all. Yeah, throw that over here.

God damn it. Capsaicin's a hell of a drug, man. Woo! Ghost pepper, baby. That'll wake you up. Oh my god. It's like those smelling salts you have in the green room. Oh yeah. I fucked around. We have them here, bro. Dude, I dipped my toes into those waters. The ones we have at the green room are bullshit compared to these. Hey, I'll take your word for it. Oh, come on, bro. You gotta take one blast. I'll blast one. One blast. Chuck that sucker this way. Maybe that'll clear up my eyes. It's gonna clear up something.

You psycho. Definitely going to forget about your hair. Oh, my God. What a glowing endorsement of this product. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, dude. I think you went too deep there. Yeah, I went too deep, too. Oh, I felt it in my lungs. Man, it really hits like the reptile part of your brain. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I can't believe I did that. Let's podcast. Let's fucking go. I'm going to go fight Bruce. I'll be right back. I did it to impress Ron White in the green room, and he just laughed. You idiot. You idiot. Ron's done it. He's full of shit. He's done it, too.

Ron's taking quite a few hits, but none of these guys know about that one. That's the real one. Yeah. That's Juju Mufu. He's this bodybuilder dude. He's got this brand that sells them. It's called Ah. That's the real one. That one is above and beyond anything I've ever tried. It's like multiple magnitudes. Are there individual capsules in here you're supposed to break? What the fuck's in there? Oh, my God.

This looks like crystal meth. Yeah, it's just rocks and ammonia. My right nostril is still on fire. Do the left one. No, we're good. That's what Joey did. He's like, I got to clean up my left one. We'll do the left one, too. He's had a lot of stuff up that nose. Yeah, I'm amazed he could smell anything. I'm amazed he doesn't have holes in that thing. Yeah.

Well, yeah, thank you for having me back. My pleasure, brother. My pleasure. So what's the road been like? You're all over the place, man. I follow you on Instagram. You're in all these crazy countries. Did you just decide to see the world? Is that what the plan was? Stand-up's a pretty good cheat code to travel and experience the authentic version of a place because you get to hang out with people from that place while you're there that weekend. Right. So, yeah, I did like every state in America by the time I was like 30 and then was like, well, maybe I'll go abroad.

And stand-up's so new in the rest of the world that it's like you feel like you're in the ground floor of like, all I can really...

Approximated to is like the early days of like hardcore like rock when like black flag and minute men were out there And I feel like I'm doing shows like that when I go to Estonia or Bratislava, right? Yeah, and everyone's so happy to have you was there any place that like was really fun where like they laughed really loud And they got the jokes or was it every place like a little disjointed It's it's different because some of those more East you go into Europe the more they watch it like theater and

But I remember I was in Hungary in Budapest and that show was awesome. And it shouldn't have been like the host went up and ate it and he was getting all sweaty up there and he had to like take off his sweatshirt because he was bombing so hard. God bless him. But he comes off stage and he brings me on and he's like, it's hot up there, bro. And then I went out there and I was, you know, just made fun of him. And the crowd was like, very good. You know, and then I killed over there, man.

Really? Yeah. And I didn't think it was going to be good because they were all stern-faced Europeans. You don't walk out there and see people who look like they've smiled before, but I got them. I took Hinchcliffe to Stockholm once. Yeah, Stockholm's fun. I had a great time, but he had never been to Europe before, and I had performed in Ireland. I had performed in England. I had performed in a bunch.

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OEN dot-com slash FLO automatic shutoff and real-time alert capabilities will operate when the device is configured with the proper settings different places and We did two shows and the first show is like dude. They did not like me I go you got laughs he goes yeah, but then they died off and

I go, no, no, that's what they do here. They pay attention. Like they pay attention in between each joke. Yeah. They don't just keep laughing and talking and making noise. They're also not eating hot wings. Right. You know? Yeah. No one's like arguing about splitting the check or anything. That was another thing that I made sure with the club. No food.

Yeah. It is food. We're connected to two restaurants. Pizza place to the left, maximum place to the right. Yeah. We're good. Everyone's fine. Yeah. You don't have to eat. You can take an hour and a half or two hours out of your day and not eat. You guys also don't have to worry about being like an Applebee's where there's occasionally comedy, which is a lot of these clubs out there. Not a lot of them, but they still exist. That model of like-

Hey, the host, by the way, when you do everyone's birthdays, after that, make sure you plug the queso dip. Yeah, try the wings. Yeah. Yeah, I did a lot of those. Oh, me too. But those are important for learning how to captivate someone's attention span. Yeah. For a comic, it's like learning how to run uphill. And if you can't compete with a quesadilla, you should probably hang it up. It's just...

You know, it's a good way to maximize profit, but it's not a good way to put on a show. No. When I see comedy clubs and they have food, I'm like, why do you have food? This is a dumb thing. Also, when we got the Ritz, when we first looked at the place...

It had a kitchen. Mitzi's Bar used to be a kitchen for the Alamo Drafthouse. Yeah. So we went in, there was fucking roaches, like cell phones running around there. Jesus. And I was like, okay, this is what happens when you have food. Yeah. You have roaches in your kitchen. We can't have roaches. No, we don't want those. Yeah. I thought you guys were going to put in a pizza place. When I first toured it with you way back in the day, you were talking about- We were talking about doing Next Door. Next Door. Yeah, where Rapolo's Pizza is. Yeah. We were talking about doing that, but they don't want to leave. Yeah.

Okay, I mean, they're printing money right there. Now they are. Yeah, you guys raised the property values in the neighborhood. I fucked up. I should have bought it first. I should have bought it when everybody was dying during the middle of the pandemic when everything was fucked. But, you know, we could have never imagined it was going to work as good as it worked. You know, the whole plan was just...

The plan was to just see what happens and build. But from the opening night, it was just guns blazing. And then Dave Chappelle came a couple of days after we opened, and he's the first guy that ever performed. Well, actually, Shane opened for him. So Shane was the first guy that ever performed in the little room. Wow. And then Dave did a set there. And we did that one. I just sold it off of Twitter. I said, we're having a special intimate show tonight at 1130. And it sold out. No one had any idea who it was.

And then when they found out it was Dave, it was fucking pandemonium. That was in Little Boy? That was in Little Boy, yeah. Oh, my God. So he did the first set in the big room, and he did a set after me. So...

They had no idea then either. And again, the club had just opened. And everybody's cheering. I'm like, thank you. Actually, the show's not over. We got one more comedian, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest of all time. Please welcome my friend, Dave Chappelle. And he goes out and they just went fucking bananas. People's heads exploded. Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah, they liquefied. It was awesome. So from the beginning, it was guns blazing. Then so many people started moving here.

And I'm like, wow, okay. And then now we're at a point where I'm like, I think we need another club. Yeah, carrying capacity might have been reached over there. It's mobbed every night. So I'm like, I feel like we could get a club, like, down the street and, you know, have an A and a B club. Nice. And just...

It's all for all these young people. It's all about numbers. Like how many you need. Obviously, you need to analyze your material. You need to write. But it's about getting on stage. That's one of the primary components that needs to be a part of this equation. Like you have to go on stage a lot.

Volume. Yeah. And in a good environment. You need the bad environments too. You need shitty spots too. And you're going to get plenty of those. There's a lot of that around here. I was just at this club this weekend. The Comedy Vault in Batavia, great club, but the AC was broken. Oh no. So it's just like, and they were packed shows. Oh no. And people were just in there, like dropping out. By the time I got up there, people were not,

stoked to still be in that room. Yeah. And I'm just dripping sweat. I look like a ham in a window. Dude, the creek in the cave was like that when we first moved here. They had no AC. The AC was garbage. And you'd be drenched with sweat on stage, like soaked t-shirt. Yeah. And now it's like 60 degrees in that room at all times. Yeah, they fixed it. Yeah. That's the way to do it. I mean, like Letterman always used to have his room like super, super cold. You know, like the idea is that like...

Warm makes people sleepy, but when they're a little uncomfortable, they're awake. You should just put these at every table, man. Make it mandatory when they sit down. We have people throw it up in the middle of the show. Most people do not want that. Do you guys do check drop? I don't remember. No. That's the easiest thing a comedy club can do, is get rid of check drop. Yeah. We were doing it in the beginning, and they were arguing that we had to do it, and it

a different person running things. But I was like, no, we don't. Other clubs don't do it either. Well, it's going to take more time. Then it takes more time. And the show's better. Yeah, the show's better. The most important thing is that the show is the best show we can put on. That's what we're selling. We're not selling a check drop. No. So you'd be on stage and the last 10 minutes of your set, you'd hear all this mumbling and, I didn't order that.

One time a guy yelled out, bitch, who said you could order hot wings? And I heard that when I was on stage, and he buried me from the back of the room. I couldn't recover from that. That's hilarious. Yeah. Bitch, who said you could order hot wings? Yeah, the Denver Improv.

I've never been to that one. Of course not. Comedy works are so good, though. Dude, the improv came and they said, Wendy, you've had it too good for too long. We're going to put comedy works out of business. And Wendy's response was to open a second comedy club. And now she has two A clubs in the improvs out there, like barely surviving across from like a Toby Keith's. I love this bar. What I was going to say is there was a club that I like when I when Fear Factor had ended.

They decided that I wasn't even though it sold out like every show for like every time I had been there for years They decided that I wasn't a draw anymore So they tried to decrease my amount by 25% and I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? They're like we don't think you're a draw anymore I go, but I sold out a year ago when I was here like what are you saying? And so I didn't work for them for like a year and a half

It is one of those big clubs, big companies that has a lot of clubs. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm... I think I know what you're saying. For more than a year and a half, I think it was like two years that I didn't work for them. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah. And then when everything was really going great for me, then they finally came back and gave me great deals.

And I'm like, you guys are retarded. Like, this is so stupid. What are you doing? Why are you doing that to me? I'm keeping the lights on around here. How many national headliners do you guys legitimately have? Right. And you're going to alienate one of them just because you think you can make 25% more money? Yeah. And you're going to sell out every ticket. They're not papering the room for Joe Rogan. Dude, it was sold out in advance already. Like, to the point where I was already having to, like, tell them I don't want to do radio.

I don't have to do fucking radio if it was already sold out. It's the best feeling. Oh, we have a relationship with the radio station. They like it when you come in. I'm like, I don't like it when I come in. I don't want to wake up at fucking 5 o'clock in the morning on Friday. When I'm the least funny I've ever been at 6 a.m. And then I have to go back to sleep and wake up for the show. I'm going to be all disoriented and fucked up. Makes the shows worse. Terrible. I'm on there selling a product that is going to be impaired because I'm on this radio show. Also, like...

This is around 2007 and by that time the ship had already sailed with radio. It was kind of already gone. It was then becoming more internet based promotion. And then by time, I mean, I guess now some people still have to do radio shows.

And I talk to these guys, and some of them go on stage, hey, how many people heard me on the radio today? Crickets. It's a waste of your time. It's a total waste, but I think that it is built into whatever relationship the radio station has with the club. And just quite recently, I've had to not do radio any longer, and it feels good. It's nice. Well, dude, Kill Tony's a fucking kingmaker. Dude. I had no idea. Isn't it incredible? I was in Bratislava. There's people in Kill Tony t-shirts. It's incredible.

It's mental. It's nuts. Have you been to one of the arena shows? No, I haven't. Holy shit. That's when you realize. When you go to an arena show and they all sing along with the Hans Kim song, and they all know everybody's thing, and when William Montgomery comes out, they fucking go crazy and stand up. The Black Keys are huge Kill Tony fans, and they love William Montgomery. So when they were in town, they were doing my podcast, they were like...

can we see William tonight? So I called William. I'm like, dude, the Black Keys love you and they want to see you. He's like, wow. Oh, hell. That's amazing. Oh, yeah. That's so positive, Joe. I'd love to do a set. That'd be great. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Black Keys. Ooh. Yeah, he's like a caricature of a human being. But that's really him. Have you ever hugged him?

He started in Denver. Oh, okay. So I've known William forever. Oh, yeah, you've known him forever. Yeah. His hugs are like he might stab you. Like, he's hugging you like he's thinking about stabbing you, but he's controlling himself. Like, what kind of a hug is this, man? It's the most intense hug. Uh-huh. He's, like, shaking. It's like you're calming a baby deer. Yeah.

Yeah, he's crazy. When I met him first, he was full on alcohol. He'd do a coke and everything. I was like, this guy's wild. I don't know if he's going to make it. But then when he came here, he sobered up by the time he moved to Austin. And then once we got him off the notes...

Once we got him off the notes, it's like, man, that guy just flourished. He just became this thing. He's present now on stage. Yes. So he would have the notes, and then he would do Kill Tony. And when he would do Kill Tony, he would read off the notes. But then with the banter, the notes would be down. Then he'd start looking at the audience with a menacing way, looking at certain people and fucking yelling at them. I go, that's your key.

That's you, your whole set. I'm like, this notes thing is a crutch. You know the jokes. Just remember them. Just remember them. And you'll get better at remembering them. And also now that you're not polluting your brain with booze and cocaine. Yeah, your memory's better. Right. There you go, buddy. He used to do this bit in Denver where he had a neck brace on, but he would like wear it at all times to open mics. And it was going well. And then another comedian started doing a neck brace thing. No way. Imagine stealing a disability joke.

It was crazy. I remember being at Comedy Works on a Tuesday and being like, she's doing the neck brace thing? Was it a girl? She's nice. Yeah, it was a girl. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Yeah, man. Did she actually have something wrong with her neck, which would be ironic. I don't. Like, you had to do the neck brace thing? I don't think she did. Oh, my God. She faked it. I don't want to say she faked it, but I don't think it was as necessary as she made it out to be. That's a weird one, man. Uh-huh.

Do you know what's weird? People that wear glasses that don't have vision problems. I hate them. They're stealing valor. I was thinking about that with you. Yeah. Because you have to have them. I am so blind without these.

What is it with people with clear lenses? Like, what is that about? It shapes their face is what they say. It's an accessory. So they'll have like a big fat face, so they'll wear big glasses. Or they have like a mouse face, so they wear little glasses. But I really don't trust those people. Very odd. Yeah. It's a very odd choice. It's like having a prosthetic leg attached when you have both your feet. Yeah, I met a guy and he had those on. He was a comic. And I go, why do you wear those? And he goes, girls think you're smarter.

I go, really? Yeah, the dumbest girls. Who are these girls? Yeah. They think you're smarter because you can't see good. Yeah, if the glasses are doing it, just shake keys at one of them. That'll probably work, too. Well, I guess the stereotype at one point in time was that you ruined your eyes by spending too much time looking at a close-up.

Mm-hmm. A close object, which is what happens, which is why cell phones are very bad for your eyes. So bad for us. So, like, the idea was, this guy reads so much. I see. That his eyes suck. He crippled his eyes. Yeah. With his lust for knowledge. Okay, so answer me this question. Why do I think it's hot when I see girls in glasses? Because I do. I do, too, man. Why? Because they do this. Oh, that's right. They take the glasses off. They flick their hair back. Before they... Yeah.

That chick is the best. Bro, first of all, I just saw an interview with her. She got on stage at the Zach Bryan show, and she sang with him. At the end, he sings Revival, and he has people come on stage and sing with him. It's a great fucking show. He puts on an amazing show. So he brought her out there, and she yells out, Hawk to the whole crowd. Like, who the fuck?

would have ever thought that would have happened. I don't know. She just looks like the classic, like, you know, American eight. Yeah. It's like, I have a chance with her and she seems fun and she loves sucking dick. It's like, of course. Great personality. She captured the zeitgeist. Yeah. It's just funny. You know, like even the way she says it, you,

You get me? Yeah. Like the way she says it. Yeah, we understand. Yeah, we get you. Communicated. She's only 21. I was watching an interview with her. She's only 21. She wasn't a school teacher, all that shit that people say. She got fired from being a... Nope. She's too young to be a teacher. She's 21. And, you know, she wasn't a bartender. All that stuff's bullshit. Just a young girl who was just on the streets in New Orleans. It was Nashville? Nashville. I think so. And just...

Went viral. Yeah. And the most weird. But I love that we live in a time where that happens. Like it's such a strange time. I'm sure she'll be stealing club weekends from me in no time. Here's something that should go viral. Jamie, pull up that guy that I tweeted because people think I was making fun of this guy, which I kind of am. But also it is a catchy tune. You know, there's a lot of people. Let me just say this.

There's a lot of people that I feel lean into certain things because they think it's marketable. You know, like when that Sam Smith guy dresses up like Satan. Start that from the beginning, please. This fucking guy is on stage at like a pride thing. But here's what's important. How did you get this footage of me, Joe? I have eyes everywhere. Here's what's important.

The fucking dude is talented. Yeah, it's ridiculous that he's got a G-string on and he's fat and he's wearing a biker helmet on and he's got queer tattooed across his belly. But listen to him rap. Listen to this. How can I stop playing through? Damn.

Action Bronson put the weight back on, huh? He did put the weight back on a little bit, unfortunately. He was on the pocket. He's good, right? He's entertaining. He's good.

Like one of the lines was, let me fill your hole with semen. I'm pretty sure. That's the only thing that I could get out of all that. Like the little dance. But it's just the flow. I mean, everybody's freaking out about it. Oh, the end of the world. Listen, that's a grown man out there swinging dick.

For other grown men. Yeah. And they're having a good time. They're having a consensual hit. He's having a good time. People like it. But my point is, like, that's that guy. Yeah. He's got queer tattooed across his stomach. He's not fucking cosplaying. It's not performing. Yeah, that's who he is. He's being pure. But he's fucking talented. Yeah. Like, that rap, like, the flow is good. Like, it's fucking...

Also, if you go to a show, don't you want that guy leading the band? Hell yeah! That's a blast. That's fat Gigi Allen who'll suck you off. Yeah, I'd love that guy to open up a show. He should open up Fully Loaded. Ha!

That's what he should do. Him and Jelly Roll. Bert's fucking buddies in the old, hey. Bert's crowd. Just have that guy go out there first. And then Bert would come out in the exact same outfit. Yes. Yeah. With the machine tattooed on his belly. Yes. Yes. With the fucking biker hat on. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm all for that stuff. Me too. I like freaks. I love freaks. I like freaks of all time. I mean, here's the thing. A lot of people are upset about the pride parade.

Because they're like, oh, they're doing the pride parade and they're doing it in front of all these children. Hey, don't bring your kids to a fucking pride parade. I know you want your kids to be tolerant. Oh, Simply Marvelous, Chris Condi, queer conscious rapper. Is that him? Boy, it looks a lot like him. Oh, those are different tattoos, I think. No, it says queer on his belly. That's him. He's based in Austin, it says. Oh, hey fella. Whoa, he has a song called American Faggot. Well, there you go. That's hard as hell. Yeah.

That's just talented. That probably was in Austin then. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It looked like it was at a farmer's market based on the crowd. So there's this thing that people are saying about the pride parade because all these people are walking around naked at the San Francisco pride parade and so they were interviewing these people and they have their dicks out. Yeah. Listen, if you don't want your kids to see...

gay guys being sexual, that's what Pride Parade is. It's not like a bunch of 40-year-old gay engineers holding hands like married guys who are just holding hands like, hey, we're proud. It's different than anything else. Like any other kind of Pride thing, because it's not just like, we just happen to be gay. It's overtly sexual, always. It's guys with fucking ball gags and dog leashes. Pissing on each other. Yeah, it's nuts. Like, I'm not against it at all, but

You can't complain that that's happening because you brought your kids. You can't take your kids to the cage fight and complain about violence. Exactly. Don't take your kids to Pride and complain about the gays. Yeah. They're having a blast. They have a good time. Yeah. I used to do a bit about how, like, I would always think, am I exaggerating about, like, the gay neighborhood? Like, in L.A., they have Boys Town in Santa. And it's...

It's so crazy. Like, I was always saying to myself, like, maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I need to drive through again. So every now and then I would take the right turn and go down Santa Monica Boulevard and head towards the ocean. Yeah.

And it's five blocks of no one saying no. It's just wild madness. It's dudes in cowboy hats and G-strings on poles. Guys making out in the middle of the street and humping each other. It's crazy. Having the time of their life. Having the time of their life. All yang, no yin, and no one can get pregnant. I'm all for it. You wrestle, but everyone wins. Well, also, those guys have their own neighborhood. The difference between the gays and...

Lesbians, unfortunately, never developed this, because I have a theory. I think that straight men find out that lesbians move next door, and they go, I'm an ally, and then they become their neighbors. Whereas straight men never move into a gay neighborhood, very rarely. You can't straighten up a gay neighborhood. But they've figured out a way to make a whole area all gay. Only gay guys can do that. It's admirable. It's great. It's wild. But it's just wild that they can pull it off in almost every city.

Well, and also they can go into places and then they gentrify these places on the margins of the city. And the next thing you know, all the houses are worth so much money because they invest so much in their properties. They invest so much in their property and make things more safe. And they keep a lot of people from moving there. Oh, yeah. It's a good move. If you can tolerate a lot of techno and dudes walking around on Mali. Yeah, for sure. Fucking live there. But also offering you Mali typically. Yeah. They're very generous people. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, when I was a kid, I lived in San Francisco. So I lived in San Francisco from age 7 to 11. So I lived in a fully gay neighborhood. Yeah, the city of San Francisco. Yeah, but we were in Haight-Ashbury, like that area. We were right off of Lombard Street. So we were in there in like the mix of the whole thing. Like I could walk to Fisherman's Wharf from my house. And so my neighbors were gay and my aunt used to – she would smoke pot with these gay guys and they would get naked and play the bongos.

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And they'd be like, oh, she's over there playing the bongos with the gay guys. It's like, okay. Like it was so normal to me that it wasn't until I moved to Florida that I even realized that people were homophobic. And that was when I was 11. Like I had no idea that people had a problem with gay people. I mean, it was just normal for you as a boy to understand that your aunt had these gay friends and it wasn't made strange or they weren't othered.

No, they were just normal guys who just happened to be gay. And they were everywhere, too. So it's like it became normal because you just saw them everywhere. There was guys holding hands everywhere. This was San Francisco in the 1970s. Yeah. That's kind of what you want, right? Acceptance? Yeah. I want people to be themselves. I want liberty and freedom for all. Yeah. That's real freedom. You want America to be this fucking land of the free, home of the brave? You know how fucking brave you have to be to be holding hands with a dude and walk down a major street? Yeah.

What are the possibilities of running into homophobes? It's pretty fucking high. For sure. Pretty sure. Like, if you're going to walk down any major metropolitan, for any three or four block stretch, the odds of you running into a homophobe is very high. Someone is going to be violently angry that you love another man. Right. Yeah. I think that the young people now...

They want to be homophobic, but I think that most 18 to 23-year-old dudes have probably sucked a dick or had their dick sucked by a fella. Really? I don't know. I'd venture to guess that they're- What do you think is happening today? Well, hey- It's a mist. They pump it into the classrooms. Yeah.

Like the gay bomb they tried in Iraq. Do you know about that story? No. Oh my god. You don't know that? Oh my god. What? The United States spent millions of dollars trying to develop a gay bomb. Wow. And so it's based on this hormone and this chemical and they would detonate it above a city and apparently it'd make...

Men so randy that they wind up fucking each other and it would demoralize them. This was the supposed idea. No way. Yeah. This is how goofy our fucking government is. Not knowing anything about the Spartans who are gay as fuck with like the one of the greatest armies the world has ever known. Yeah, they could comfort each other. They were so gay. Yeah. Not just that, but when you fought next to someone and they were your friend. Yeah. That was one thing. But if it was your lover, you would protect them to the death. That's so smart. Yeah, man. Well, they just...

Also, I think people were just gay then. I think people, back before they realized, like, hey, you probably shouldn't fuck kids, they just fucked everything. Yeah.

Yeah, you know yeah, and then people the kids started writing down and once my uncle fucked me all life was downhill And you read that like oh, that's probably stop fucking kids like forever before they figure that out because if you like if you think about it like Aristotle Plato Socrates you go back in time all those guys had like young boy lovers Yeah, yeah, just accepted and it was like part of passing your philosophy forward bizarre You would take an apprentice. Yeah, he'd also fuck his thighs from behind But then he would tell the world your story

Yeah, that was totally normal. He was fucking writing everything you were saying. He was dictating. Yeah, and dictating. Yeah. But there was like that thing with like the philosophers. Some of them thought that it was low-minded to actually have sex with the children's butts. So they would just bang their thighs from behind. Low-minded. And that was like cool. Interesting. Yeah, I think so. So they just titty-fucked their thighs. Exactly. Yeah, that's a good move. It's a real soft part of a body. Yeah, you don't get that hurt from it.

You know, it's like, I wish that didn't happen, but at least he didn't fuck my butthole. I'm still tight as a drum. Yeah, it didn't make me walk around uncomfortable. Like, what the fuck did he do to me? Yeah, I don't have to use a diaper now. You just feel weird. Like, oh, that guy just jizzed all over my thighs. Whatever, whatever. What are you going to do?

At least I know about geometry now. Bro, they didn't know any better. Isn't that crazy? But just think about how much murder took place back then. Like if you got to be our age back then, if you got to be, let's just say you got to be 30, how many people do you think you saw get murdered? Probably dozens. Yeah. You probably saw people get murdered all the time. Over very small things. Over almost nothing. Yeah. Yeah, disrespect. I mean, look, when this country was founded, one of our presidents said,

Forget which one engaged in a duel while he was president. I think Andrew Jackson was it a lot of people Yeah, I was like his whole thing. He's like to shoot at people Yeah from ten paces mm-hmm just the dumbest fucking thing to think if you hate someone you don't like him Why don't you guys agree to fight or something right? Why you got it doing so dumb with pistols that are

Yeah, there we go. Many people think Andrew Jackson fought hundreds of duels. He did have a temper. He was challenged, and he was challenged other several times, but only one duel resulted in shots fired. In 1806, where he killed Charles Dickinson. That's good. He was a terrible shot. How far away did he shoot people from? Those guns suck, too. I mean, they're shooting people with muskets. Right, and it shot like a marble. Yeah, it shot a ball of lead. And not very accurate, either.

And you probably didn't die every time. No. You could take one of those. You're fine. Yeah, you could take one in the shoulder. Especially if they're not accurate. Oh, yeah. But a lot of guys were probably crippled from them. Oh, for sure, because it would crack your bone. Yeah. It would hit the bone and bend it in half. And then they never knew how to fix bones back then. Yeah, they'd just have to chop it off. And they probably didn't even know how to get the lead out. No, that's a good point. I bet lead poisoning. It gets deep in there and just stays in there. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

You should have the door guys duel for a stage time with period type guns, you know. Right. Just paintball guns. Did you ever see that scene in that Mel Gibson movie, The Patriot, where the guy gets hit in the face with a cannonball? Oh, yeah.

Yes. That's rough. Where Napoleon, where that horse gets exploded with a cannonball in the first three minutes. I didn't see Napoleon, but I heard about that. The first three minutes is all you have to see. Really? Well, yeah, you see a horse take a cannonball in the chest, and then the rest of it's just him simping for someone.

Oh, yeah. I heard they cucked him out. It wasn't the best movie. It was pretty. It was like a lush film. What a waste of Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, he's the man. That guy is so good. He scared the shit out of me in The Joker. Of course. And then the riots happened like a year later. Yeah, I know. I was like, oh my God.

Predictive programming. How much is it responsible for this? I don't want to sidetrack too far, but this is saying that duels back then were not exactly what we think they might have been. Oh, yeah? It was more of a test of courage. It says people didn't just take 10 steps and shoot as quickly as possible. Most of the time, people would stand and fire their guns in the air, purposely miss their opponent, making a duel more or less a test about courage.

Hmm.

So it was a lot of playing chicken, I guess. I think so. And occasionally they shot each other. Yeah. What the fuck? They probably had... John Wick was like that at the end, right? Didn't the guy try to get like a... Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. John Wick pretended he shot, but he didn't. He held his bullet to take a shot. Didn't the other guy want to get a replacement or something so John Wick wouldn't kill him?

Oh, yeah. On the steps of Montmartre and Petri. The last one, you know, as much as I love those guys, the last one was just so cartoony. It's so hard to take seriously. I'm okay with it. You turn your brain off and stare. I love the first one. The first one's the best one. Because the first one, all the motivations are clear. Oh, my God, they stole his car and killed his puppy. Let's go. Let's do it. And then they build this world of, like, the continental and stuff, which was cool. There was lore. I like those movies are the best. Yeah. You see Furiosa? Yeah.

No, what is Furioso? The new Mad Max? No, I haven't seen it. Bro. Is it great? You need to treat yourself. Really? Did you see the first, the most recent Mad Max before this? Yes. Remember how great it was and you left the theater going, movies are the best? Yeah. It's that again. But they figured out how to do Warford with like kites and stuff as well.

Yeah, dude. It's so good. Okay, I'm in. The whole movie was storyboarded, too, so it looks like a graphic novel. Ooh. Yeah, it's like the best graphic novel I've ever seen. Oh, no kidding. It's a movie. I haven't heard anything about it. It's so badass, dude. Yeah, I think there's too much content today. For sure. It's very difficult for people to pay attention to everything. Right. But there's very few movies that are actually something you need to see in the theater. Right. And I think this is one of those things. I heard Dune II is one of those. Yeah, if you can stay awake. Oh, really? I took so many edibles, went to Dune II. Okay.

I didn't make it past the previews, man. I like ate all my Reese's Pieces and then was just zonked and my wife's punching me in the stomach. Oh, no. That's the worst. Yeah, dude. Well, you get in them comfy chairs like Sinopolis. Yeah. You know, the way you lean back and it's got the cup holder there. You're like, oh, you find yourself snoring. Yeah, and you can vape in there now. You have your weed pad. Oh, really? You can vape in there? I mean, you can't vape in there, but you can vape in there. Yeah, you can. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just like smoking live rosin and trying to stay alive. Oh, that's hilarious. I love movie theaters. Yeah, movie theaters are great.

Especially for a comedy because it really is like the thing about comedy clubs like last night I went to see kill Tony and you know I like watching shows now more than I ever have before because I don't you don't get a chance to do that when you're performing a lot you watch your friend do a set but I sat watched a show you know and I've done that a bunch lately watch a show and it makes you appreciate it from an audience's perspective

Yeah, because I think we get too wrapped up in you like I think it's good to see it the other way to see it as an audience member just like just get a Different perspective on what you're doing up there too, and how it feels to be in the audience. Yeah, just

Just to inform yourself. That's valuable. Yeah. And also that shows perfect because you're not worried about like maybe someone's bit worming its way into your brain. Right. And then you Robin Williams it later. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's why Norton doesn't watch stand up. I can't watch it either. Really? Yeah. Cause like when you riff a lot, when you're, I like improvising a lot on stage every now and then you'll tell someone's joke. And then it's that moment where you're like,

I'll ask my feature, is that someone's bit? Right. Because you don't want to be that guy. Right. Yeah, that definitely can happen. Yeah. But the thing is, it's like integrity. Does it happen on purpose? Does it just happen? If it just happens, maybe you should figure out why. Maybe work on something for your memory or maybe just don't.

Leap the problem is some ideas that you don't steal almost feel stolen because this is the problem with creativity Because this is the concept of the muse right that these ideas are just given to you by like the gods It kind of feels like that sometimes like some bits They'll they'll arrive in your mind with a setup and a punch line sacred knowledge. Yeah, there's something going on

I know I don't know what it is. I don't I have a bizarre theory that ideas are actually a life form You think that their energy? I don't know what the word energy means like the word energy means electricity But also means diesel energy engines, you know, and these are means a lot of things like what do you get energy from? You get energy from the Sun you it's energy sure, but I think it makes stuff and

Everything you see on this table came from an idea. It's like ideas get into our minds and then we make cars or we make planes or we make computers. And then ideas, they build on each other. You have to have all these other people's ideas and you pool those ideas together and create a new invention. I think they're a life form. I think they're a way that...

They force creative apes to manifest physical things. As if there's like individual particles that might be an idea. There's like an atom that's imbued with an idea or a bit, and somehow that gets into you. I think the muse is a real thing. Yeah. And I think it's the more time you spend thinking, you can kind of hear those calls.

The more time you spend alone writing and thinking and working on stuff, you hear those calls and those calls like from the ether, from wherever the fuck it's coming from, those make their way onto your page. And then there's real work involved too, where you're analyzing it. Okay. How can I make that better? Maybe set up's too long. Maybe it's too like, maybe I should toss it and just readdress. Like I'll do that sometimes where I'll take a premise and it

And it just... Some of them just feel clunky, you know? Like, you're trying to work it out, but they don't necessarily feel right. And you're getting kind of laughs, but then you're doing it the same way over and over and over again. And then that, like, wonder that you had when the bit is new dies, and then you're just repeating something. Exactly. And you can see the crowd lose interest in it. Yeah, you're not connected to it, so why would they be? Right. So then...

Um, sometimes with those kinds of things, I will just throw it aside and rewrite the joke just on the premise. So instead of using all the setup of the punchline, I'll say, there's gotta be another way to address this, this topic. Like, let me see. So that I think is like real work. That's real work where you're thinking and you're analyzing, um,

But the ideas themselves is like the structure of all comedy is an idea. The structure of all comedy is like something comes to you. There's a thought where you either you see something that's preposterous or you hear something that's ridiculous or, you know, there's something. So there's some and that's the framework. And then upon that, you build a bit.

It's like that's the framing of the house. You have the germ. Yeah. And you have to water it. Exactly. Make sure it gets enough sunlight. Exactly. And then see which soils it grows better in. That's why like-

There's a type of stealing that's very insidious stealing because they steal premises. You'll do a bit about getting your oil changed or something, whatever, or maybe something more obscure. They'll do a bit about someone buying you fitted socks or whatever the fuck it is. And then someone will go, I think I can write something on that too. Right, I can do it better. I'm not stealing the punchline, so it's not stealing. I'm just kind of twisting around this person's premise. Yeah.

Have you ever heard Tom Waits talk about the muse? No. So he thinks the muse is like a real thing, like you're talking about. It's like a vibe, for lack of a better term.

So there's all these stories about Tom Waits sitting in front of his piano for like 10 hours a day, just screaming, being like, all right, you bitch, I'm here. I'm ready to do the work. I'm in front of the piano. Let's go. Give me what I need. I'm into the work right now. Just like hammering on the piano and yelling at the muse, trying to like enchant it and bring it to him as he's like, just like literally making insane discordant noise. And then out of nowhere, some chords fit together. And then he has a song. Yeah. Yeah.

it's just so hard to know, right? It's so hard to know what's going on. Yeah, but you can't write a book unless you're in front of the typewriter. You can't write a song unless you're in front of the keyboard. All these guys are like, how do you write a book? It's like,

You have to be at the station where you do the work. You can't just sit there and be like, oh man, I'm going to write a book one day. No, sweat over the keys until you have a thousand words or whatever you need for that day to be done. Because everyone wants to talk about like, oh, I want to write this book. And it's like you telling me you want to write a book just set you back six months. Because you get the same hit of adrenaline and dopamine by telling someone your idea as actually like accomplishing that thing.

Yeah, I think that's very dangerous to tell people you're doing stuff when you're not actually doing it I've talked about it too many times, but have you ever read Pressfield's a war of art? No, I have not Oh, we have a copy of it for you then He sent us a box on because I used to give it to comics when they would or any kind of creative person when they came on the podcast But Pressfield wrote this book and he talks about the muse as if it's a real thing. Yeah Pressfield was Kind of like a ne'er-do-well until he was like 40. I

He kind of was like half-assing it until he was 40. And then somewhere along the line, he realized that it's just about being a professional and showing up. And so he started addressing the muse as a real thing. And then he wrote The Legend of Bagger Vance. And he wrote some great screenplays and books. And just became very prolific. Well, it's like we always count on inspiration to come into our lives. But if you can kind of like...

create a situation where that inspiration is more easily available to you, whatever that is, it's playing your music, it's drinking coffee, like however you can like try and harness that ethereal thing that is inspiration. I think you can, um, be a better creative and like you said, become more professional in creating. Yeah. Um,

There's also different ways that ideas come, right? One of the things that Stephen King would do, a lot of people would do this, is they would write and then they would go for a walk. Yeah. So while you wrote everything and now let's go for a walk and just think about what you wrote. Right. And he would have a little recorder and he would talk into it. Yeah. I've heard a bunch of writers say they do this. Yeah. That was a big thing for me when I wrote my book was to write and then –

go on a walk and maybe smoke a little weed and then you see it all differently and you can come back and realize what was bullshit and like what was a complete waste of time and then go back in and try and address that and then also grow the things that were like a little idea but then you can expand upon them and it's literally just not being in front of the computer. It's your eyes seeing real light I think is a big part of it because I have to write like at my desk in my computer but then as soon as you get outside you're like oh that's how light hits a tree at this time of day. Oh.

Or like that's actually lavender. I was talking about lilac. There's just all these little things that are, I mean, romantic for sure, but also very applicable in concrete ways to your art.

Yeah, I think it's also getting out makes your blood pump. Oh for sure. You know, it's walking around I think there's the thing about walking is it's a very low level cardio So like your heart is pumping you're moving your body, but it's not exertion So you're not exactly like when you're really tired You can't like if somebody got you on an airdyne bike and they I started asking questions you have a moron's brain really 10% of your brain capacity if you had to do an IQ test and

If I had to do an IQ test when I was on a VersaClimber, it's probably 10. My IQ is 10. You're as smart as the VersaClimber. You can't think. You're fucking tired. So you don't want to be tired when you're thinking things, but you also want to be a little bit energized. And there's something about walking that just sort of – because the heart is not beating –

you know, 60 beats a minute. Now it might be beating 75 or 80 or just a little extra, just a little something. So when you're walking around, you get that flow going through you. Swimming's good for that too. Swimming's nice. Yeah, you get in the pool and all of a sudden everything is changed. You have a complete different perspective. And you're just in there doing your laps or even if you're just like floating. Like when I was in Vegas, I had to swim because you can't walk around outside. So I'd just be in the pool. Yeah.

I remember there was this big fat dude and he was like, "Hey man, you're putting in the work, man." And I was like, "Thanks, bro." And he's like, "Just keep doing it, man. This is good for you." And then he got out of the pool and he had a giant swastika tattoo on his back. Oh my god. That's hilarious. He was my pool buddy though. He was encouraging me. Maybe he did time. I think so. He was trying to survive. They probably did that to him while they were fucking him. It wasn't just his thighs.

He wasn't receiving platonic knowledge. Yeah, they're not being nice to you when they fuck you in jail, I heard. I don't think so. Especially when they put a swastika on your back. Maybe that helped them come. Like, look, can we make it quicker if I can just put a swastika on your back? Yeah.

It's hard to come, bro. You got a big, stupid, hairy ass. But if I could put a swastika on your back, I think I'd just nut immediately. Give me a target, man. Maybe you made a deal with them. Okay. All right, sure. That's really what's going to help make this quicker. He was good in the water.

He was like a seal. He was probably so happy to be in the water. He never had water in jail. You can't get fucked in the ass in water. True. It'd be very hard. Especially in deep water. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, good luck. Like, there's that... How could you even be hard? What was that, like, that boat during, I think, the Pacific Theater of World War II? That, like...

They sank it, and then they were in these shark-infested waters, and they just kept getting picked off. Like, you'd be floating with your buddy, and then all of a sudden he would just disappear forever. Well, I heard on a podcast that also there was feverish homosexuality. So dudes would be, like, on a plank of wood and just savage each other. Because they, like, yeah, and I don't remember why it was, but there was all these accounts of, like, dudes butt-fucking, raping each other,

Yeah, I think I heard that on the last podcast on the left. See if you can find anything on that. Yeah. I was already looking before we finished talking. Oh.

Oh, yeah. He's got a lot of butt-fucking windows open over there. Butt-fucking while getting eaten by sharks. Yeah. Wow. Which one's worse? I guess if you were in that sort of scenario, and especially for long periods of time, your mind just must be so overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and then acceptance and then...

Sadness, you're watching people around you getting killed. Yeah. The morbid fucking tissue floating in the water, whatever's left of your friends. And also, like, if someone's bleeding, you get as far away from them as possible because the sharks are going to eat them. It's probably just your brain trying to protect yourself, so it just reverts back to, like, your very simian part of yourself, which is, like, hold someone down, overpower them, and get it out of you. Yeah.

And all the other people, they're going to die too. Yeah. We watched you fuck Harry. Why'd you do that? Harry said stop and you kept going. Hey, why I had a... I thought we were all going to die. Yeah. I didn't think anyone would be able to tell this story. Sorry, bros. This is the 1940s. Meanwhile, I made it to a podcast in 2024. Uh-huh. Wow. We're not naming names. No, we don't know any names. I would gladly if I knew. I would if I knew them. Yeah. I'd name their names. Yeah, where's their plaque? Yeah.

This guy but fuck a bunch of people how about the guy who got but fuck not only did you watch all his friends get eaten by Sharks he also got but fuck got a purple heart and a purple sleeve He's like don't worry about it. We're all gonna be dead hour or two take me and then they get rescued They're just doing swastikas on it Get rescued that guy who we bought fuck hey

What about what happened on the fucking raft, dude? Sorry, man. I lost my mind. LA Times, I think. I didn't catch the year, but there you go. Okay. As the Indianapolis sailors struggled in the water, there was bravery and self-sacrifice, all vividly detailed by Vincent and Vladek.

There was also violence, cannibalism, and even sexual attacks. In the water, the dead outnumbered the living. Men continued to expire so quickly, it became almost impossible to move around without having to shoulder through shoals of corpses. Holy fuck. And then the sharks.

Yeah, that's...

It's making you pop up. I'm not interested, you fucks. I don't see anything else. So the sexual attacks. I guess that's all this was going to say. That's it? Just a mere mention? You'd think the LA Times would want to get involved in the more lurid details. You'd sell a subscription. You guys need to sell some subscriptions. Yeah. They apparently just let a bunch of people go.

I would not want to be a fucking reporter right now. No, but there's good journalism going on. Oh, yeah. Most of it's independent. That Whitney Webb character. She's a character. She's cool. Yeah, that lady knows a lot. Mm-hmm. And I don't know how she knows it all, but God, I'd be afraid if I were her. Oh, yeah. They're going to disappear pretty quick. I think she lives in another country. Doesn't she? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I watched her on a bunch of shows. I watched her on Patrick Bet-David. I watched her on...

I think she was on Jimmy Dore's show a few times. She knows a lot, man. I think Tim's got a direct line to her. That's a wild thing to be focusing on. The evil oligarchs and people in power of the world and how they've twisted everything throughout history. You make yourself a real target. The bloodlines. Oh, yeah. All that shit. Yeah. The bloodline stuff is wild. It is. That's really wild.

Tim like called her when we were in Europe. I was opening for him in April over there. And he really wanted to go to St. Petersburg, Russia to eat a meal at Gogol, which is like the best restaurant in the world, allegedly. Oh, really? So he called her. He called Tucker Carlson, like trying to figure out how to get into Russia. He even went to the State Department and they were like, no. And he's like, I'll be there for three hours. Come on, let us eat dinner.

We'll be fine. You can watch us the whole time. It'll be good. They might snatch him up. I think he'd be compromised. And then I'd be the other guy. Yeah. They'd just think I was a fat prostitute. I let a swastika on his back. Yeah, exactly.

Tim Dillon and his come boy arrested in St. Petersburg. Tim would be so embarrassed. I'm not his type at all. At all. That's hilarious. Yeah, man. That's hilarious. Yeah, he's a wild boy. He would want to go to Russia to eat. That's so crazy. And hey, I was all for it, dude. I was like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, you can't go over there. No. No. We just signed a 10-year contract to supply them with weapons. Just supply Ukraine with weapons for the next 10 years. Yeah.

I think this whole thing is terrifying to watch, but it's also a very clear money grab. Yeah. There's so much money going over there, and there's so much money we continue to send, and it's just like, how is this okay with everybody? I don't know. How is anybody letting this happen? Yeah.

I mean, the taxpayers are really holding the bag on it, too. Dave Smith had a wild suggestion. What was that? He's full of those. He is. He was doing a debate about Russia and Ukraine, and he said one of the ways to incentivize Russia to stop attacking Ukraine is if we left NATO. Oh. Not only should we say that Ukraine's not going to join NATO, but we're going to leave NATO.

And I was like, whoa. What would be the repercussions of that, though? Who fucking knows? We would just be a wondering... Well, look at the repercussions of being a part of it. Look at the repercussions of what's going on right now, because...

You know, Dave is the best at explaining and he'll credit Scott Horton and a lot of other people. But Dave is really good at recalling information, explaining how the whole red line with Putin was Ukraine joining NATO. That was they always knew that. And they kept moving NATO based company countries. They kept moving weapons closer and closer to Russia. Like the whole thing was like they're baiting him to do this.

I just get so suspicious of military activity because I know that there's always going to be bad people in the world that you have to send good people to go fight. That's always going to be the case, right? The clearest militant...

Most pure version of that for us is always World War two right because they're not sees we go over there and kill the Nazis the whole United States, you know gets together and when it's over there's that sailor kissing that girl, right, you know any and it's like hey This is why people sacrifice. Yeah, this is why this America is so amazing this country and

But that's not real. That's only one example. Most of the time, it's people figuring out a way to get defense contracts. Or there's some cool resources that just so happen to be right there. There just happens to be a lot of lithium in the area. Yeah. It's very convenient that they need democracy right now. Yeah. And the same people that are telling you that Joe Biden's fine. Mm-hmm.

That's how things get done. Like that is like whether or not Joe Biden, you know, should be president or not president. Let's put that aside for a second. Everybody knows there's something wrong, right? The people that are telling you there's not something wrong. The reason why they think they can do that is they do that with everything. They do that with Venezuela. They do that with Yemen. They do that with Ukraine. They do that with everything.

They bullshit and gaslight depending on what the narrative is. They're very creative with what facts. And the facts change over time. And they're not really – sometimes they don't even know. Like one of the more interesting exchanges about the Ukraine war was with, of all people, Candace Owens. So Candace Owens was talking about how corrupt Ukraine was. So someone sends her a message from The New York Times saying,

What evidence do you have that Ukraine is corrupt? And she said, your own fucking newspaper. And she sends them all these articles that were written previous to 2017 about rampant corruption in Ukraine, about Ukraine is like one of the most corrupt countries. Before the narrative changed. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, the narrative changed. And now all of a sudden everyone has a Ukraine flag. Damn. Like, yeah, Ukraine should not have been invaded. Yeah, it's all fucked up. It's horrible. Hundreds of thousands of Ukrainians, they don't even know what the real number is, are probably dead. Yeah, horrible. But also, that was a corrupt country. Like, just because...

Horrible things are done to them. It's not justifying those horrible things. Yeah. But you can't pretend that Ukraine has always been this amazing country just because now we're supposed to support them. Right. Because Russia did a horrible thing. You got to tell the fucking truth. That's what being a journalist is. We're not babies, but they treat us like babies. Oh, my God. They coddle us so much. Oh, it's so it. Well, the whole thing during the pandemic, you can't tell people about it.

things or about adverse reactions to vaccines because then it causes vaccine hesitancy. Oh, you mean an informed opinion? Right. Are you fucking trying to stop informed opinions? And a lot of them from like professors at Stanford and Harvard, at least it's bananas. Right. And then there's like, it's condescending. Exactly. You're talking down to these people that you're trying to get onto your side. Exactly. And a lot of them, if they're smart, will be like...

Come on, I'm not a baby. Yeah, it's fucking annoying. And the people that are doing it right now about Biden, they're telling you how you should vote. Even though you know he's impaired, you definitely shouldn't vote for Trump. Like, don't tell people that, you fucking idiot, because it's going to make more people angry and want to vote for Trump. It's indefensible. You are not going to convince anyone walking down the west side of New York City, talking into your phone about what a threat Trump is to democracy.

You aren't changing anybody's fucking vote. You're just being a condescending, scolding, liberal cunt, which is what drives everyone crazy. Scolding for verbiage is like the worst thing that the liberal side does. But the fucking conservatives used to do it too. It's a human characteristic, and this is what's important. Everybody wants to get on this. The liberals are bad. The conservatives are bad. It's bullshit. It's all just a human behavior pattern. We always want to tell people that they should behave and

think and accept the truths that we have accepted. You have to behave like us.

And if you don't, you're the enemy. Right. And it's not really that these people have these opinions oftentimes. It's that they have subscribed to a predetermined set of opinions. There's a narrative. In order to be in this group. There's a party line. If you tell me how you feel about the Second Amendment, I can tell you how you feel about abortion. Almost 80% of the time. Right. Which is wild. It's wild. Because they're two very complicated issues. Right. If you tell me how you feel about immigration...

If you tell me how you feel about weapons, military spending, I can probably tell how you feel about God. Yeah. I can probably tell you what your religious leanings are. It's just bizarre. And it's just because –

The reality of life is too open-ended and complex and fascinating and bizarre and majestic and immense. And boundless. Boundless. Yeah, yeah. Immense. And more immense than we even thought it was. Now they're looking into the James Webb telescope. They're finding galaxies that are so big, so...

so long ago that they couldn't have existed possibly in a short amount of time, which they were from the Big Bang. So now they're starting to think that the universe is like maybe 10 billion years older than they thought it was. Which is good. Yeah, but it's still, it's like, what does that even mean?

mean. It's too much. There's like division is really important to people in power because they keep us fighting each other instead of against the presidency or the government. So back in the day it was like racism and there's still racism in this country but like we're moving further you know and then it was like class conflict but now it's like everyone's poor you know. Yes. So now it's like

straight up Republicans versus Democrats and you have to go to war with your neighbor over that thing. It's like they're all the same. They work for the same corporations, the same oligarchs are paying them off. Exactly. I mean, if voting works, they wouldn't let us vote. Yeah. You know, like it's not going to change anything. Yeah. It's it works. Kind of. Kind of. But I mean, it's still a big experiment. And democracy is flawed, but it's still the best thing that we have, you know.

It's the best thing going, but the problem is we made a fatal flaw when we allowed them to use money. Oh, yeah. That's the fatal flaw. The fatal flaw is letting politics and the money and lobbyists and special interest groups and corporations donate to political candidates.

As soon as we did that, that should be illegal. We should think of it as a bribe. Yeah. It is a bribe. It is a bribe. 100% a bribe. Especially in this day and age, everything should be supported 100% by the people for the people. That's only how it should be. And if we find out that corporations are involved or the corporations are even suggesting that people should be involved –

We should like find them. It should be illegal. They should be put, the people that want to do it should be put in jail. You're trying to affect the election. Yeah. Like it's really election interference. It should be illegal. Yeah. Instead it's like par for the course. Right. It's just a more tactic. Corruption is a tactic.

Which is fucked. It's funny because I used to live in an anarchist commune in upstate New York. Yeah, when I was from like 18 to 22. How did you get involved in that? My best friend from high school moved to Ithaca to go to college. And we were in bands together. So I was like...

I college sucked, you know, so I went to school in Denver and then I went out there to stay with him and we like wrote like 12 songs over like two weeks. And then I was like, well, I'm not going to stay in school. I'm going to move up here. So we got this place. We shared a closet in an anarchist commune called Goblin House. Goblin House.

And like when we moved in, this dude named Bob Wolf Young 2, he had the number 2 in his last name. What? Yeah, he like changed his name. His name was Bob Wolf was his first name. And then Young, like J-U-N-G 2. Oh, wow. Great guy. But I remember when he showed us the room, he was like, this is where you will sleep. And I just wanted to know, are you guys up to group sex? No, dude, we just want to like have the practice space. We had this like, it was an abattoir. It was an old slaughterhouse.

So we were living with these people that were like, they would like sign their rent checks in blood. You know, we were like dumpstering everything. I like learned to kill chickens and stuff. Wow. But on the commune, like those people have almost the exact same tenants and ideals as the, you know, your preppers, your doomsday guys who want to like build a compound and protect themselves against the government.

Like they're like back to back. If they would just turn around the far left and the far right, they'd realize that like they're fighting for the same thing. Yes. You know? They share so many similar behavior patterns. Yeah. That's what it is. It's like the opinion. It's like we're talking about jokes. The jokes are like a scaffolding. Like the idea is a scaffolding and the jokes you create around them. You create the punchlines and the taglines around the idea. Yeah. That's what these guys are doing. It's the same thing. Like they have human behavior patterns and then they attach to it.

and inclusion and, you know, all these different thoughts about Christian nationalism and, you know, protect our borders and, you know, God save Trump. It's the same thing. Yeah. It's really the same thing. Like, what it is is just like you've attached

natural human behavior patterns to an ideology. And you don't think it's not because this is the thing about cults. Nobody in a cult thinks they're in a cult. They're like, this is the way to live. This is the way to live. Yeah, they're seeing through the veil in that cult. They're the only ones who are living a justified life. Did I tell you the cult story about the place that I initially bought before we bought the Ritz? I think I heard trickles of this story, but not directly from you. Adam Eget is the one who saved me.

This is what happened. So Ron White fucked me. So Ron White, we had just gotten here and we realized, I was like, we need a place.

Place we cannot we cannot be out here just doing a bunch of random clubs like yeah the thing about the Comedy Store that I recognized like very early on is its home base and the comics need a home base and The way everybody was developing one of the things that helped us is like if I'm on the road I don't get to see Bill Burr's hour. No, I'm on the road. He's on the road somewhere else right? I don't get to see Dave Chappelle, but

But when we're in town together, then we can all see each other's sets. Right. So we would all like – and then hang together and talk and –

so i was like all right we need a spot and so ron goes you should buy that place the cult owned i performed there i killed it was beautiful it's a beautiful theater i think it's for sale i was like wow a theater that a cult owned that'll be fun yeah and then adam calls me up after already signed paperwork and everything oh no adam calls hey man uh did you watch the documentary on that call i'm like they have a documentary that's not good no it's bad the documentary is called holy hell

And the guy who was the cult member, the cult leader, was a gay porn star who was also a hypnotist. Oh, those are two of the worst things you can be. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I mean, like, this fucking guy. He changed his name multiple times. His original name was Jaime Gomez. He was actually an extra in Rosanne's Baby, or Rosemary's Baby. All right. He was, like, in one of the scenes in the end of Rosemary's Baby. So he was an actor and so did gay porn. And then he teaches yoga class and gets a... Because he's a beautiful man. He's, like, a six-pack and sculpted face. He had to be hot to run a club. He was hot as hell. And just...

had this cult going for a long time in West Hollywood, but then Waco popped off. So then the cult awareness network had been getting like parents would be saying, where the fuck is my kid? And they would be in this cult. And so like people were starting to like investigate him. Yeah. So to throw people off the track,

This fucking guy moves to Austin, changes his name again, and then has his followers build him this beautiful theater where he could dance in front of them. Just for dancing? Just for dancing. And hypnotism? And that's the place I bought. So it all falls apart. It all falls apart years later when one guy sends out a mass email saying, hey, this guy's been hypnotizing me and butt-fucking me for the past ten years.

And then everybody starts comparing notes, and they're like, oh my God, he's fucking me too. And this guy was just paying... You have to pay him. To buttfuck you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For the privilege? For the privilege. So you would come to him for therapy. You would have to give him $50, and then he would give you his therapy, and then he'd fuck you. I mean, maybe he knows some stuff we don't know. Maybe he was helping people. I don't think so. No? No, I think people are just... I'm an optimist. I think...

Human beings have a thing in us that makes us want to believe nonsense. Yeah. When we're looking for some kind of solution to the chaos that we're surrounded by. Exactly. And that could manifest itself in you being a diehard Democrat that don't think there's anything wrong with Joe Biden. And Joe Biden, his age is his strength. He's sundowning up there. His age is his strength. Yeah. His fucking wife was on TV talking about his performance and she was saying that he's sharp as a dag. No, no, no.

Have you seen it? Have you seen Joe Biden get interviewed? Yeah. Want me to send it to you? She was with him, right? And he's just standing behind her like a wax figure. You did so good, Joe. You answered every question. He's like, did I? Oh, yeah, I did. I did. I'm the best. Poor guy. He's like me if I was on a versiclimber. That's where he's at right now. That's him leading the country. Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, it's obliterated. But believing that that guy's okay is the same thing as believing that this gay porn star who's a hypnotist is really like – you know what's really wild about the documentary? He had this thing that he would do to them called the knowing, and you had to earn it somehow. You had to like – you had to be on the right path for long enough, and he would give you this thing where he would –

It was a ritual, and during the ritual he would put his hands on you. And to this day, the people that had it, even the people that complained about him were in the documentary talking about this guy was just evil and manipulative. They said that in that moment they felt God. When his hands were upon him? I mean, he's really intense. These intense burning eyes. He puts his hands on them, on their knees, and they're like...

So it's like there was an endogenous release of psychedelic chemicals that was through this moment, this ritual thing, the power of suggestion and whatever the vibe that the two of them have, clearly hypnosis as well. He locks on to this person and these people are like,

just writhing in orgasms and just ecstasy. Just like... And to this day, they're all taught... Even though they're saying he's bullshit, they were like, that moment when that happened to me, it changed me forever. Wow. So he could like...

Somehow make them release like the DMT or the oxytocin that's in their brains and they were flooded Yep, all that all that in more probably I mean we're isolating specific things like you know dopamine serotonin DMT There's all these different things that people are but I have a feeling the real cocktail. What's really up is everything all together Yeah, that's what that's probably the real like whatever it is that you have when you have near-death experiences

They're all the most potent psychedelic chemicals known to man that your brain makes. Just a Long Island iced tea of brain chemicals. Boom! And your brain's a-floating it. Yeah, and it's a fucking Fourth of July fireworks display inside of there. Yeah. And it just pops off. And this guy knew how to get people to experience it just from this thing. See if you can find video of him doing that. I envy those people. I do a little too. To feel something that transcendent on Earth? If you could just believe it enough...

That this guy can just do that to you. I don't believe in anything. I believe in like me and my friends and my family and like the community that I can build. But like it's really hard to have any faith in anything bigger than myself. Well, you have to have an open mind, right? But you also can't. I think I do. You can't really believe anything there's no evidence for. Like a lot of my ideas about how the universe works and how everything works and karma and life and energy is just an idea. Do you believe in karma?

I don't know what it means. So I don't think that necessarily, like if you do something, something will happen to you. Yeah. But I do think...

That if you do something evil, you're aware that you do something evil. And I think your existence is poisoned because of that. And I think you will forever run into bad situations because you will be filled with bad thoughts and bad energy. You take on like a psychic cancer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That attracts other? Yes, I think that's real. I don't think altruism is real at all. I think there's some real altruism and it's usually between people that know each other.

Yeah, but okay. Kindness and generosity. But is that altruism or is that just doing the right thing for your community? Well, I always say that being generous is selfish. It is because it makes you feel good. Yeah, it makes you feel good. It elevates you. But it also is really a good thing to do because it makes other people feel really good. If there's no altruism, it's okay if you're still doing the right thing. If you get off on it, you still benefited someone else. You do, but...

Why should you not benefit while they're benefiting too? As long as you're not being selfish and narcissistic about it. Why don't you just do it? Yeah, of course it feels good to make people feel good. But it also makes them feel good, so you should do it. You should not not make them feel good because you're worried it's going to make you feel good and that's selfish. That seems silly. Well, you have to share what you have based on how much you have. Because when I was poor, it was like my friends, my best friends, would have like half a joint.

And they would smoke that half a joint with me. Yeah. And now that I have like more resources compared to some of my friends, I'm always buying meals and like, you know, that kind of thing. And they're like, hey, man, you don't have to do this. And it's like, well, you rode with me when we had $8 to rub together. Yeah. And now I have more than $8. So like I'm glad to be able to do this for you. Yeah. The difference between like being able to pay for a meal –

Yeah. And not thinking about it in the, where you're wondering how much things cost and you're adding it all up in your head. That's a, that's a huge difference. Yeah. The alleviation of that is the most important thing. Like Brian Callen said that to me once. He said the real wealth is like when you go to a restaurant and you don't worry about what anything costs. 100%. Once you get past that, he goes like, it's all bullshit. And I'm like, I think he's right. That is very, that is profound. Yeah. I agree with that. No matter where you live, your house just feels like your house.

If you have to spend $10 million for a house or if you just have a fucking two-bedroom apartment that's quiet and not dangerous. You know, it's just house. It's home. I have a hard time feeling at home anywhere. Because of the road? Because of the road, man. Yeah, I mean, I've been on the road since I was with the band first and then stand up real hard. And now, like, the last six months of last year, my wife and I didn't have an address. We were just, like, living on the road and it was romantic. Oh, wow. But it was...

So daunting, dude. I remember my sister was like, what do you want to do for New Year's? And I was like, what if we just got like an Airbnb and like cook dinner and hung out? And she's like, oh, so your idea of a party is like living in a home. You need to fucking move somewhere, man. So we like tried it. You know, we did two months abroad last year doing shows and shit. And she came with me and it was great. But now we like bought a house in Detroit and I'm really happy about it. But I don't ever know if I'll like really feel comfortable when I'm not in motion.

That's interesting. It's like, it's good. All my dreams are coming true, but then you have to realize like who you are isn't going to be fixed by everything you wanted happening. Right. You still have to like figure out what's the root cause of you. You know, it's Wednesday and you're like, I've been home for two days. God, I can't wait to get to fucking Batavia, you know?

but isn't it because you love what you do and you're good at what you do i really get what i do yeah i'm super grateful to be a comic there's that right yeah and that's like the way to do that is like you kind of got to do the road i think so you gotta do the road and like for a long time it was like i couldn't get booked in these rooms but now i can so it's like mitch hedberg said like he wouldn't say no to gigs because he remembers five years previous when he couldn't get those gigs

That's me right now. It's like I worked like fucking 49 weekends last year or something Wow, you know and some of those like a lot of those were like different continents and shit, but I love it I'm not complaining I'm just like this is a new thing with the buying of the home and the moving to the home of me being like what does Being at peace look like for me, right? Cuz I'm used to existing in chaos, you know I'm used to being constantly going forward and

And you enjoy it. I love it, dude. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. So the thing is, like, people will tell you because of a narrative, like from a movie or a book, that you're supposed to settle down somewhere. Yeah. Says who?

I don't know. Listen, there's a reason why there's flights and hotels. Because people like to travel places and stay and they don't have a house there. Yeah. So they go to the fucking hotel. Yeah. It's simple. Like it's there set up for you. And if you take advantage of it, it's fun. It's awesome. That's what you enjoy. Some people don't enjoy it at all. Some people like to. The problem is the real problem with the travel all the time is your health. Correct. Because it fucks up your sleeping. It fucks up your eating schedule. It fucks up.

It fucks up a lot of stuff. And then there's a sense of loneliness and desolation on the road that you try to fill in with booze or drugs. Unless you travel with friends. And I do now. I got to bring my own feature. That's the best. And it's the best. And he hasn't drank for eight years. I pump the brakes on boozing, you know. I'm like drinking with purpose now when I do drink. Not just like 15 million lights every night. I drink with purpose. Yeah. My purpose is to get fucked up. Well, I know. And that's a valuable purpose. Yeah.

But when you're just doing the Friday early show and you've already had seven beers and then you wake up Saturday and you're like hungover and you're like, well, I guess I have to have 12 more beers tonight to get normal. And you're not even getting drunk. You're drinking Miller Lite and you're just confused and bloated. Right. That's all you get out of it. Well, you lost a lot of weight. I did. Yeah. I'm like 50 pounds this year. That's awesome. Congratulations. Thanks, man. That's fucking huge. I have to. I love being alive. And do you just do that by hitting the break? Yes. Please stay alive. I love being alive. We need more funny people.

Thanks, man. Are you just hitting the brakes on booze? Is that all you had to do? Hitting the brakes on booze. Well, that's 1,500 calories in pure sugar that I'm not taking in every four days out of the week. Wow. So that's great. And then also eating better and then movement, moving around. I spend a lot of time outside. And now that we're actually going to be in a home, the weight set's going back in. There's a pool in the neighborhood. Nice.

Because for so long, it was like I had nothing, and I was just so desperate for something. I'm like, okay, I'm sleeping on this guy's floor tonight in Springfield, Missouri. I have a roof. I would go on stage and be like, hey, I don't have a place to stay. No way. Because I didn't want to spend the $40 on a hotel, dude. Wow. You know? So you'd be telling people, can I stay at your house? I wouldn't even ask. I would just say on stage, like, you look rich. Can I stay in the boathouse? And they'd be like, no.

All right, get in here, you crazy kid. That's amazing. And that's how I survived on the road for like ever. Wow. So how many times do you think you did that? Countless. That was my move. That was straight up my move. And you stayed in people's houses. Yeah, because I learned it from like punk rock. Like we would play only all ages shows. So you would either stay in the venue, you'd stay in the squat, or someone would bring you home and like you'd hear them have a conversation with their girlfriend in the next room. And then she'd be like loud and he'd be, she'd be, you guys got to be out by 6 a.m.

But we had a roof over our head. Wow. And then you had the next day. And that sense of purpose that you have on the road is so pure. You have a destination that night. You have a thing you need to accomplish. Right, right, right. And like luckily, I read, because I came from like, I really admired like SST records, like early 80s, like hardcore. Like that's where I came from.

And I remember reading, I think it was Henry Rollins' book, Get in the Van, where the first trip he did with Black Flag, they practiced for like two months in LA. And they got real good when he joined the band. And then their first tour date was in Oklahoma and like 12 kids came. And he was like, fuck this. Why are we working so hard? This sucks. And then the bass player, Chuck Dukowski, was like, no, no, no. It's not their fault that no one else showed up. We're going to give them Black Flag. They came to see Black Flag. We're giving them Black Flag.

And that defined my experience doing standup where it's like, yeah, I would go do the show. There'd be 20 people there. But the next time I go to Omaha, there's going to be 40 people there because I fucking left it all on the field. Right. I was crushing just so I could survive. Right. It was a survival mechanism.

Right. And I think that that really helped me in my career because I like had so much at stake every show. Yeah. Isn't it an interesting thing? Like if you go to a show and there's only a hundred people and it's a 300 seat venue, you're upset that only a hundred, but that's a hundred people that paid money to came out to see you. Yeah. Treat them. Yeah. Treat them like, like you're so happy they're there. Yeah. Appreciate them. Like don't,

God, we're so caught up in keeping up with the Joneses. It's so dumb. It's like that's another dumb human resource-based instinct. Comparison. Yeah. It's the death of happiness. Yeah. It's a great quote. Yeah. I think it's Thoreau. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it?

Probably he's always saying cool stuff. He said a lot of cool shit out in that pond But it's like you can't compare yourself to your friends No, like if I compared myself to Shane I would be like crestfallen what I am is happy for Shane and his rise is so good for comedy in general and he's been so generous, you know He put my special on his channel like he doesn't have to do any of these things right and I told Shane that he's inherently punk rock and he rolled his eyes and

you know, because he's from the middle of Pennsylvania and punk rock's for homos or whatever. You know? Punk rock's for that guy with the queer tattoos. Exactly. Yeah, that guy's punk rock, but so is Shane's ethos. He brought his friends with him. He built this stuff. He did everything independently. Is this Twain? Nice. No way. Really? I wonder who he stole it from. Interesting. Okay. Comparison is the thief of joy. Yeah, thief's a better word. The death of joy. Roosevelt said thief of joy.

But who was first? I don't know. Who was before? When was Roosevelt? Roosevelt was post-Twayne. Post-Twayne. Yeah. So you probably heard it from Twain and snatched it a la Joe Biden. Have you ever heard what Twain did for Ulysses S. Grant? No. So like Grant's the president.

But everyone thinks he's this like insane booze bag because he got busted being drunk one time on watch. So he becomes president, leaves the Union Army. But then the money wears out. So he's like on a train, Ulysses S. Grant. And fucking, oh, and his brother like spent all of his money. His son was a total fuck up. Like he has no cash. And this guy's like, hey, would you write your memoir and I'll publish it for my publishing company. And I'll give you like a thousand bucks. And Ulysses S. Grant's like, for sure. That's awesome.

And then Twain hears this and he's like, don't sign that deal. I'll publish your book myself and you'll make so much more money. And Ulysses S. Grant was like, but I made a promise to a man and I am a man and I must honor my word. And Twain's like, okay, pump the brakes on that, Ulysses. So he publishes Ulysses S. Grant's book and it becomes a national bestseller and changed his life and gave him all this money. Oh, wow. Yeah. And they would have sold him down the river. They would have given him a thousand bucks to have a bestselling novel. Wow.

You know or not novel man. That's what I had heard about that. Yeah. Yeah mark Twain was a I think he was the first comic I agree. Yeah, right He would read funny things in front of people and they would laugh and he had to because he didn't have any money Like when Jeremy Piven hits the road So when Twain did that he didn't have money back then like I think he Well publishing deal. He was the first like dude who harnessed the reins of his own production and like writing and

I think Dickens did that to a certain degree too, but he owned the publishing and he would like sell it himself. But then he hit the road. I can't remember why, but I think it was a cash grab. And he did these public speaking engagements where he would do bits and stuff. No kidding. I think so. Oh,

I could be conflating him and someone else, but I think that that's what happened. That kind of makes sense. Yeah. That kind of makes sense. You'd say like, oh, how can I make some money here? Do tours. Like you're seeing a lot of podcasters do that now. Oh, for sure. Like Tucker Carlson does that now. He does like arenas. Jordan Peterson, of course. Yeah.

These people, they do these tours where they just like, oh, look, got to make hay while the sun's shining. I get it. You got to cash in a momentum when you have it. It's the hardest thing to accrue. I get it, too, especially if you don't have jokes. Oh, dude. We're just used to doing stuff in front of audiences. These guys, they look at that as like some frontier that they have to. Yeah. And we're like, oh, we have fucking tents out there. We've been living out here for 100 years. Oh, yeah. We're Bedouins, man. You want some fucking camel milk? Yeah.

Sam Tala can't even feel comfortable in his own house. He can't because I'm just so used to being like...

What are we doing today? What's our purpose? The people that haven't experienced that before, like Jordan, he was telling me how much it wears on you. Yeah. Yeah. It wears on you. It wears on you when you fly. I just flew from Vegas on Sunday morning. It wears on you. That day, you're wrecked for no reason. You're not. And also, I have a hard time spending the money to move up front. Mm-hmm. Right. I spent $600 once to fly back from Australia in the first year.

in first class. And it was an insane deal. And my wife was like, do it, dude. And then the whole time I was sitting up there, I was just pissed at myself for being such a bourgeois pig that needed to be comfortable. That's going to be a problem as you become more successful. I know. That'll be an issue. I know. Yeah, there's a lot of...

I mean one time there's one thing that definitely happens is people develop this sort of crisis You know the imposter syndrome sort of thing that happens when you become famous and when you become successful I don't have imposter syndrome. I know I'm good at the job Yeah, I have is not just turning your back on your ideals of like punk rock like yeah dumpsters that thing's hard for me to get over right and

I see what you're saying. Well, I know a lot of people that get the imposter syndrome thing too because when success comes at a very high level, it becomes baffling. Like you're hanging out with famous people. It doesn't make sense. It feels weird. It's so weird to be in this room. You know what I mean? It's so strange to me, dude.

Like I'm really grateful to be here, but it is just like also weird to remember how far away from this room I was for such a long time. That's funny. Yeah. Well, this room has been around, well, not this one, but one of them been around for 15 years, which is, that's crazy too. That's hard to believe. Yeah. Perspective is such a warping experience. Yeah, it really is. How far you've come. As you get more successful, you're going to get weird with money. It's going to feel weird to you. It's not what you make. It's what you save. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's like, what do you do with it? Like, I think of money as fun coupons. Sure. That's how I think of it. Like, how much fun can I have with this? I think of it as safety. It can be taken away at any moment. That's up to a point. Once you pass a certain bank account number, then it becomes fun coupons. I remember when I had my first comma in my bank account. I called my dad. Nice. You got a comma, dad. Yeah, dude. Yeah, commas are nice, but it's like...

The thing is, you're still going to be you. Yeah. You don't have to sleep in the back of the bus, and you don't have to fucking... You don't have to do anything stupid to just prove that you used to be poor. You don't have to self-flagellate yourself. Yeah, but it's also like, you have all these fun coupons. Why do you have them if you're not going to spend them? Oh, yeah. You should be spending them. Oh, I mean, I'm burning them down. Did you get a nice car? Yeah.

No, I have a 2007 Chevy Impala. I don't have a bunch of, like, you know, cool jewelry. You got a nice watch. My wife got this for me. It's $400. It's a beautiful watch. It's a great watch. What kind of watch is that? It's a Bulova. Oh, it's pretty. But I do spend money on dining. And I do spend money on, like, you know, if my sister-in-law, you know, wants something nice for our niece, I'm like, well, here's three different models of that nice thing that you want. Oh, that's cool. That's, like, how I, like, shower people with love and affection. No, that's definitely cool. But I did spend, like...

We should get a nice car. $50,000 on dining. If you didn't feel like a bourgeois pig driving a car, what kind of car would you drive? I would like a very safe car. You know what I want, dude, is I want a Ford Astro van. Or I want one of those like Benzes, those like passenger vans that they have. Oh, yeah. Like skateboard teams right around it. That's what I want. You could have that and put a podcast studio in the back. Oh, I could. We were going to do that. Yeah. We had talked about that in LA. Remember, Jamie? Mm-hmm. That would be pretty sweet for someone.

Yeah, we talked about taking one. 95, dude. Look at it. Look at it. Plus, you can take naps in there, too. Like, if you have to park somewhere, like, if you have to be somewhere for a little bit and you have some time. I can't nap. I wish I could nap. No. Really? I have a really hard time napping. Really? Yeah, it's like I can't turn my brain off in the middle of the day. Ow. Yeah, it sucks. That sucks. It's really bad for radio. Exactly that. Oh, so once you're up, you're up for the whole day? Yeah. Oh. I know. And then there's just an amount of coffee you have to keep up. Have you tried jerking off? No.

I've dabbled. That's usually the best. Turns out it's pretty cool. That's like a sleep button. It is pretty cool. But I do like to conserve that essence for my wife. I hear you. So you just save all your loads? I save every load, man. Okay. I come home and I batter my beautiful wife. That's honorable. Yeah. Nothing else? You try melatonin or anything else? Sleep mask? Anything? It's just like laying in a bed in the middle of the day. You just can't shut your brain off. I can't do it, dude. Yeah. Well, okay.

Fuck. Fuck radio, I guess. No, I know. Yeah, that's it. That's the only solution. The only solution is fuck radio. I mean, and I had to get medical with my managers. I was like, I really can't do radio because I can't go back to bed. And then people will come out for two shows and they'll get a worse version of the show. Right. You know? Yeah, it's a big difference too, man. When you're really tired and you're looking at that 10 o'clock show, you're like, fuck. You already did the 7 o'clock show. Mm-hmm.

You're taking a break. You did the merch line. And you're sitting down and you're fucking really tired. Like you're literally yawning. Yeah. And then, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the chuckle hut. Who's ready to laugh? Come on. You can do better than that. Right. Who?

Who's ready to laugh? And due to like the different groups of like the Venn diagrams that create the people who come to see me are like Stan Hope, Shane, Kill Tony, you. So these people have very high expectations of comedy. Right. So I always feel like I really got to do a good job. That's the best way to feel always forever. For sure. Keep that forever. I get nervous for every show. Every show I do even now. Me too. Yeah. Yeah.

Easier once they were coming to see you. Nope. No worse harder expectation. Yeah harder. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta keep that that's forever Yeah, I hope I keep that forever That's the same thing with a lot of stuff when when you care about something you should be nervous You should feel a little giddy about it a little excited like Not not without confidence. I have confidence. I do stand up every night. I have plenty of confidence and

But the feeling should be like, this is a real thing. It's about to go down. This is a melding of the minds with me and all these people in this crowd. And this is going to be fun. Yeah. I got to get in that mindset. I got to feel it. I got to, how much time do I have? 15 minutes. Right.

Do primate posture. Yeah, I do some deep breathing exercises. I stretch out. I drink some water. Maybe have an espresso. Yeah. Let's fucking go. Yeah. Yeah. And that goes away. I literally got this tattoo to remind myself that it's fun. Oh, what does it say? It says, this is fun. Oh, wow. That's my miking hand. Oh.

So I'd like to see my wrist and it reminds me while I'm on stage that this is fun. That's great. That should be a thing that everybody in your group does. You should make it like a brand, like a Nazi swastika on the back. So we can all come quick. Yeah, this is fun. Why are you jerking off? It's the same ant too, right?

That's fun, too. Well, my podcast, Chubby Behemoth, we all got matching tattoos for like a Patreon goal. What did you guys get? Just like this ninja turtle on our thighs. This guy, Baco, that's like the avenging ninja turtle that we ripped. Yeah, so now we are all marked forever. Nice. Yeah. Why not? It's fun, dude. There's no such thing as forever. I have a Go Bananas tattoo with all the Go Bananas boys right here on my wrist.

Oh, Go Bananas, the comedy club? Oh, that's hilarious. There's a bunch of those Go Bananas. I think there's one in New Jersey, too. There's Bananas in New Jersey. Oh, right. Go Bananas is completely independently owned. Well, yeah, they came up with that idea on their own. Yeah. We didn't even know about Bananas when we opened up Go Bananas. Yeah, no way. What are you talking about? Yeah.

Oh, that's funny. I thought they were all the same company. No, I don't think so. So you have a Go Bananas tattoo? Yeah, right there. Just the banana? Just the banana. And the banana boys. I wonder if anybody's got a mothership tattoo yet. Probably. The logo, the alien head? Dude, people get tattoos of you. Ew. People get tattoos of my book. Ew. They'll get like running the light shit on their body and I'm like...

What were you going through when this happened? Hopefully good. Hopefully they were in a good place. Yeah. Yeah, there's like hundreds of tattoos on my face out there. It's very strange. And they're not the most glamorous version of your face either. I don't think I have a glamorous version of my face. Well, it's usually the one where you're like... Yeah, it's usually some crazy face from yelling about something. Looks like you're coming fire. Ooh.

Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. Or I got capsaicin. How do you say that? The hot sauce on my dick. How do you say it? Capsaicin. Capsaicin. Yeah. That's one of them words that I never say that I just read. Capsaicin. Yeah. You know? Generally, that's a read word. Yeah. There's certain words where you're like, how do I say this one? I know what it is. How do I say it?

How do I say that? I'm always using pretentious words that I read and then I mispronounce them. So you look pretentious and stupid at the same time. The real problem is if you talk to a person who actually knows what the fuck they're talking about and you're throwing those words around. Uh-huh.

That's humbling. Some of my biggest L's have been in that exact situation. Yeah. Well, you know, pretentiousness is kind of gross. I was emailing this lady, Emma Klein, who's an author I admire, and I, like, spelled her last name wrong throughout the email. Oh, no. I know. And I, like, you know, told her I read all three of her books. Oh, no. It's on the cover. Oh, no. Yeah. How does she spell it? C-L-I-N-E. Oh. Yeah, and I thought she was-

Yeah, and I thought it was K-L-E-I-N. Very stupid.

I told the people at Random House that. I just got a book deal with Random House, and she's on the same roster. You should send her a letter again. I should. About how stupid you feel. Very sorry. About how you talked about it on a podcast. Yes. Now can we be friends? She didn't answer the email. Your memory's fucked because you've been sleeping on people's floors in random houses for 20 years. Eating quinoa. Yeah. I remember when quinoa happened. Quinoa. That was big.

Yeah, everybody thought they were going to get healthy with some bizarre new grain. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this one's got a lot of protein. Oh, it's so good for you. It's better than buckwheat. It just tastes like shit. It's the worst. It tastes like nothing. And we wouldn't make any money at these shows, but they would have a big quinoa dinner. One time, bro, we had to have a talkback in Lansing, Michigan at this hardcore anarchist home.

And after the show, they were like, would you guys mind doing a talkback about your political ideals? And the singer, of course, was like, hell yeah. So they're like, how do you guys align politically? And the singer's like, I'm into Bakunin. And then the bass player was like, I think Emma Goldman told the truth. And then they were like, what about you? And I was like, I'm selling CDs and T-shirts. Because these ideals aren't going to keep the van going. So have fun in here. But please, come buy one of these hand-screened T-shirts that I made. It's just very funny when your ideals actually hit reality. Yeah.

Well, those fringe communities, like an anarchist community like that, I'm always fascinated by people that, whether they're furries or whatever it is, these bizarre fringe communities that have their own sort of language, way of looking at things, and things they all accept that most people don't. Well, Kool-Aid they've all drank collectively. Yeah.

Juggalos are the best one. Oh, really? Yeah, because juggalos are like wild people, but they will give you the shirt off their back because they're all about family. Because for the most part, they're from poor places. They might be gross. Misfits. Yeah, traditionally. But man, juggalos will take you in. They're the best. Yeah. Shout out to the Juggalo Nation, man. They're cool. Did you do a lot of juggalo shows? I mean, I grew up in eastern Colorado, so I had a lot of juggalo friends. Oh, wow.

But then whenever I see juggalos it shows now they're always like first in line at the merge They'll buy everything you have at the table. They're awesome What an amazing sort of movement the insane clown posse of all people out of all groups of people created Yeah, kind of nuts. I think it proves. There's no God That's pure chaos no way that came from or maybe it does prove there's a god maybe God enjoys all

All kinds of different humans interacting in all sorts of bizarre ways. He enjoys chicken hunting. Yeah, he enjoys everything. I think Big Jay's doing the gathering this year. Is he? I would fly in for that show, dude. Big Jay's going to do the... Well, Big Jay's perfect for that. I know. Because he's so good at riffing. Yeah. So this is the Insane Clown Posse Juggalo Gathering. Yeah. Just a fucking gathering of misfits. They're having fun. They're sharing what they have. A bunch of people with...

IQ's like someone on a Versaclimber. Dancing around, banging into each other. I've met some worldly juggalos, man. Really? I met this guy who was a professor at Duke for a while, and then he tapped out, and his midlife crisis was becoming a juggalo. Whoa.

Whoa. It's like there's just a purity to what they do. And it was enchanted. That's interesting. Yeah. Well, if you wanted to look at it from a human psychological perspective, there is a purity to it. Right. Because there's no pretension involved at all in being a juggalo. Yes. Yeah. I loathe pretension. Yeah. Because I think I'm guilty of it a lot. Because I read books and stuff. Mm-hmm. And you want people to know you read books. Well, yeah. But you can't talk about books with people. You can with some people. Yeah. But they'll be like, I love sci-fi and fantasy. And I'm like, well, that's lower fiction. Yeah.

You want to talk about Sherwood Anderson. Let's have a conversation. Some sci-fi and fantasy is lower fiction, but there's some really good shit. I know. Neil Blomkamp. How do you say his last name? I always fuck his name.

Blonde camp always fuck his name. Love the guy though, but he Set me hip to this science fiction Vampire book that I fucking love. It's really good. Let me um get the name of it It's like blindside or something like that. Now you're saying I remember him telling that story Yeah, let me let me find it cuz I have it in my phone. It's really good though. I met George RR Martin Oh, did you really yeah, he came to see I was opening for Burton, New Mexico and

And George R.R. Martin came. Wow. Yeah. George R.R. Martin came to see Burt? Yeah. That's amazing. In Santa Fe. That's incredible. Yeah. This is it. It's Peter Watts. It's called Blindsight. And it's a science fiction space movie about alien, about, well, vampires. Okay. And the vampires, it's kind of like-

I'm going to fuck it up. But the story is that these vampires, they take some sort of medication. There's some sort of a medical thing that they do to keep them from feasting on people. Okay. But that they did exist and that they had always existed and that someone, that they were killed off because, you know, they were killing everybody. And then we've kind of,

them to myth and then someone cloned one and brought it back and then they started having more vampires and the vampires were going to space with them. Yeah. So it's a space journey with this vampire who can like read minds and manipulate people and he's like...

but he doesn't act on his most base of most horrible instincts, and they're out there interacting with aliens. Yeah. It's very good. I mean, you had me at vampire. Dude, it's fucking good. I'm fucking it up. I'm paraphrasing because I wasn't prepared to talk about it. Right, yeah. I read it like...

Two years ago. Okay. When Neil was on. How long was that about? He was actually a predator from the Pleistocene era, I think. That's right. He's alleged to be far smarter than baseline humans. Yeah, it's a really, really good book. That stuff sounds good. Oh, it's good. It's good. It's really well crafted. I'm just like a realist when it comes to literature. I love reading about men risking their lives for like $80. Those are my favorite novels. Oh, really? Yeah, like very low reward compared to the risk.

Like what? Give me an example. Like Larry Brown. A lot of Cormac McCarthy books are like that. Cormac McCarthy was amazing. He's the goat. Yeah. He's the best. Yeah, that's... There's something about...

Writing about the stuff that he writes about too, like that Western style. Yeah. Kind of like just the reality of the existence. Did you see any of the Yellowstone pre-shows like 18, what is it, 1883? No. Is that what it is? 1823 and 1883. 1883, right? 1883 is fucking insane. Really? It's insane. Is it like Deadwood-esque?

Well, it's realistic is what it is. It's like a realistic depiction of what it was like when people made their way across the country on wagons and how people were lost along the way. Yeah. You know, but it's just the way it's done is it's so good, dude.

If you like this kind of stuff, dude, you should read Warlock, which is exactly what you just described. Oh, yeah? It's like a postmodern Western. It's really cool. Yeah? Yeah. It's like an easy one to like get lost in. A postmodern Western? Yeah, it's like a self-aware Western. Like the guy uses all like the trappings of the traditional Western, but then he runs it through like his lens as like a literary author. It's really fucking good. I mean, just think about how crazy this fucking country is. Yeah. Like 400 years ago, it was just Native Americans. Yeah. That's it.

Just Indian tribes everywhere. And then this. Yeah. And that quick little bing. So fast. Out of nowhere. Nuts. And the stories about people deciding that they were going to come here from Europe and didn't even speak English. No. Made it across the fucking, the plains with wagons and lost half the people every time. Yeah, and like had to eat a couple people. Oh. Yeah. And then they get to the Rocky Mountains and they're like, hey, we're going to eat.

We're good. We're going to stay right here. A lot of people did. But then the true psychos were the ones who got through the Rockies, man. Yeah. Well, that's what I always said about Texas. Because the thing about this country is, right, the people that are here that weren't Native Americans, everybody and their ancestors started in the East and made their way West. Right.

And then the people got to Texas and said, y'all go ahead. We're going to hang out here and fuck. Yeah, we're good here. They just put up fences and started going nuts. There's a lot of bison around here. We'll be fine. But a lot of people kept going. And then the people that did keep going are the most filled with wanderlust. Like Californians were the most like open-minded. I mean, the state is like completely fallen. But the ethic of it, the ethos of the state,

still remains for a lot of people and it was like that was the place where people grew that people went to when they were fed up with the way the east coast was they didn't like the hostility they wanted to be more creative and free and they made their way to San Francisco and they made their way to LA yeah and

It was just, that was the last place you could go before you went to Hawaii. There's nowhere else to go. There's nowhere else to go. So it would just make sense that those people would be the ones that would be pushing the boundaries. I mean, think about like in the 1960s at least, like the amount of entertainment, the amount of music, the amount of culturally changing content that came out of Los Angeles and the West Coast. It's fucking nuts, man. If you saw it on the chart, a graph,

Like how much amazing shit came out of L.A. in those decades. Right. It's crazy. And like how exponential the next great thing was. Yes. You know? Yes. That's what I always think about is just like how quickly in the last 200 years that curve has sharpened. Yeah. There's so much innovation over the last 200 years that's like. Bananas. Compared to the rest of human history, it's nuts what we've achieved. And what we're going through right now is going to change all that.

Multitudes it's gonna be beyond the printing press beyond the invention of the Internet Oh, yeah, whatever the fuck the AI thing is when it at when everyone's just guessing what it's gonna be like But whatever it is, it's gonna be like that vampire on that spaceship 100% on it Yeah, we're gonna be trapped with a superior predator exactly. Yeah, and it's not gonna have emotions either Oh, and if it does a little engineer those out like what are these stupid things? What's the point of these? Yeah? This isn't helping anything. I mean a dick. Oh

Emotions are interesting. Yeah. Because it's like people who are beholden to their emotions when they like make it your problem because they're experiencing. Obviously, if you're mentally ill, that's one thing. But if you're just like a person who's like bummed and you want to put that on me, it's like grow up.

Everyone deals with all of these things. I'm just not going to project it upon you and make your time worse. Well, a lot of it's patterns. Sure. They learn the patterns in their family. No, you're very right. You're very right. It's real hard. If you grow up with morons, it's really hard to break free and think clearly. And they also have this weird...

that you get from your family and the way they look at things. Like some families, they just, woe is me forever. Right, and then those patterns give you comfort because they remind you of when you were safe. And they also don't know what to talk about, so they come home, you know, my fucking job, I swear to God, I wish I could quit. I fucking hate it. They come home and you're like, oh no.

I know. Not this again. We're so lucky that all of our friends are the funniest people alive. Oh, we're so lucky. That's the best part of stand-up. We say it all the time in that green room. We're like, we are so lucky to be here. We're so lucky. Especially when you consider how you first started, you know, the earliest days. Yeah.

to be here now. It's just bananas. Yeah, Ron White handing me a cigar will never not lose its charm. It's always so cool. Just hanging out with him is always weird to me. That's why I bought that stupid cult house. I just can't believe Ron White's my friend. I'll listen to him. I'll listen to him. He was the first guy here too, by the way. Everybody credits me with getting people to move here, but he got me to move here. He was the first guy. He got me thinking about moving here before the pandemic.

Because he moved here, I think, in 2017 or 18. And I go, what are you doing in Austin? Well, I still got my house in Beverly Hills, but I'll tell you what, I fucking love it here. He goes, when I'm traveling, I'm in the middle of the country. Flights are quick. People are nice. Food's great. I play golf. And I was like, damn. He goes, my son lives here. He loves it.

Maybe Austin's a spot. Colorado had a shot at you, man. They did? I remember when that happened, when you moved up to Boulder for a minute. Blame it on my wife. She got pregnant. I understand. When she got pregnant, we had to go back. But yeah, I was planning on just going buck wild in Denver. Yeah. That was my plan. It would have been so valuable to that city.

Well, we could always do a mothership there one day. I think that's a good candidate for a mothership. I bet when Wendy wants to sell, she would talk to you. Well, if Wendy wanted to sell, I'd be interested. I love her. She's the greatest. She's the best. She's like my mom now. She's such a great lady. She let me have my mom's wake at her club. Oh, really? And paid for all the food and everything. Oh, man. Yeah, she's the greatest. That's cool. We had Ron White's mom's wake at our club. Yeah.

When Wendy, when I did my 2014 Comedy Central special, I did it on purpose at the Denver Comedy Works. Because I'm like, I want to do it at Wendy's place. Of course. She's just such a...

a good force for comedy and just understands comedy and is really kind to people and good to the opening acts but tough as nails bro cause she had to fight up from being a waitress she was a waitress at the club and now she owns it you have to be tough as nails yeah to be in this crazy business I always told comedians be nice to these club owners cause you don't want to be them right and then I had to be one yeah

And also be nice to the servers. Be nice to everyone. Everybody. Be nice to everybody. Always. Always be nice to everybody. And again, because it will benefit you. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because it'll make your life easier when they end up running the club or become managers or agents or whatever. Also, it's just, it feels better next time you see them. It's good for everybody. It's good for you. It's good for them. Everybody's friendly. You hug everybody. Yay. We're all here together. Yeah. Fun times, you know, and she's, she's done a great job of having, she has a real community there.

You know, that's one of the reasons why when I wanted to escape from L.A. This is 2009. When I wanted to do my first escape from L.A., I chose Colorado. But I wanted to be in the fucking woods. That's where I fucked up. I fucked up because I tried to – I pushed my way.

I pushed her to the crazy place. I pushed her. I'm like, let's live in the woods with a baby on top of a fucking mountain. Yeah, let's tap out. We lost a dog to a mountain lion. Jesus. Yeah. Like we were in, like while we were there, I guess it was actually before we moved there, a bear broke into one of the neighbor's cars and ate his seats.

because the bear thought that the seats were leather and leather is food. I guess a bear can smell so good that they can smell the hide. And so he just ate his seats. Just took, just opened the door, man. The bear,

bears know how to open doors wow they get habituated to people and it's a real problem because once they find out that you have garbage cans they never stop coming to your house yeah and then once they eat your car they always they keep coming they keep coming so i went i tried too hard eating a car is so funny i left i left too far i went too far out yeah i should have been in boulder proper

in the city. But even then, the problem was when a woman is pregnant, the atmosphere of Denver and even of, you know, anywhere around 5,000 feet, it's rough. And Colorado has one of the highest premature birth rates because of the lack of oxygen. Really? Yeah. It's really rough on pregnant women. It's like having the flu. So we went back to Los Angeles for something. I forget what we went, and then immediately she felt better.

And I was really like, and then we talked to the doctor, the whole deal. Like, yeah, it's really bad to be, especially if your body's not acclimated. If you just move there and then all of a sudden you're pregnant, it was too rough.

But I always had this itch to get back there. To get back to the mountain areas above Boulder are so amazing. The Flatirons. Oh, dude. You're driving down the road. You're like, am I in a fucking movie? Right, yeah. Or is this how I get to my house? Because this seems like a movie. It seemed too good. I always say that it's like...

What we love we all love everyone loves art, you know, you love to look at this painting or a cool sculpture It's a thing that like your mind interacts. You're like wow, it's amazing But nature is that times a million and real nature like mountains and trees and the sunlight Like going through the leaves. It's like oh my god. It's incredible. Yeah, it's like your day is enriched by the

just the beauty of it all. And also you're humbled by it. Oh yeah. It's a good thing for the soul. You get to feel small. You feel so fucking small. You're surrounded by uncaring, just nature. Yeah. And it's just insanely beautiful. There's, I don't know why.

human beings register beauty when it comes to like objects and stuff. I wonder like what evolutionary benefit is it to look at a flower and go, God, it's amazing. Like what is that? And also the flower rewards you with smell and you can touch the petals and that's a sensual experience. Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. But there's a lot of things that are beautiful. It's like why? I guess a lake is beautiful because there's food in there.

So you get excited by the blue water, and the clear water means it's not polluted. Because you see a brown water lake, it doesn't look great. Oh, yeah. Those reservoir lakes. Yeah, there was one in Fort Collins. Catfish pond. You're like, whoa. You ever seen those people that go noodling? Of course. Cover their hands in dog food? I've noodled, man. Have you noodled? I've noodled in Mississippi one time. Did you ever get a catfish? No. No, you tried? Yeah. That is a wild activity. It was up to my armpit in mud, just waiting. That's such a wild activity. Yeah.

But hey, you get food out of it. Oh, you get a lot of food. Those fucking things are huge. When they pull them out, you see them wrestling with them. Dude, and they're just like smacking them against the... It's a fucking 50-pound fish that's attached to your arm, trying to pull you into its hole. Yeah, into the mud. Or you can fuck up and get a snapping turtle. You get a snapping turtle? Or a carp? God forbid, you get a gar? A carp won't bother me, but a snapping turtle bothers the shit out of me. Here we go. Look at that. Look at that motherfucker. That's prehistoric.

Oh, that's that lady Hannah Baron. I follow her on Instagram. She's always noodling. Good for her. Yeah, she's like a cute southern girl who goes noodling for catfish and goes hunting. There's like a whole industry of hot girls who go hunting. It's a good racket. Look at the size of that fucking fish, man. Look at that thing. That thing is so massive. Wow.

I mean, you could eat that for three or four days. I'd like to eat a couple things in that video. I hear you. Come on. Hey, come on. Come on, that muddy water don't bother me. No, no. Come on. The fish is later. I want sushi right now. Ha ha. I want some taco. You know what I'm saying? But the noodling thing, like that water don't look good. That doesn't look beautiful. You know what? It feeds off that. You know? Like that's where it's getting its nutrients is from the mud.

But you fry it up. It's not bad. Oh, they're delicious. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are ugly as fuck They're like they used to think of lobsters as poor people food. Mm-hmm. Not nuts. It's the best they serve it to prisoners and shit They're crazy. They used to fish them out of the East River for like for bar food. Yeah, it would go like back in the 1800s Those were chicken tenders That was their nachos. Fucking lobster. It's our favorite food ever. It's so good. I'm not over it.

I'm not over it at all. When I first got my first development deal, you know, I've been poor my whole life. And then I got my first development deal when I was like 24 or something like that. 25, I guess. I guess I was 25. Somewhere around then. Anyway, the point is, up until then, I'd always been poor. And then my manager contacts me like...

Couple months later. I said do you have a gambling problem? And I said no why and he goes you're spending so much money I just thought cuz you know, I played a lot of pool. Yeah, I go no, dude. I'm eating lobster every night

I just, I had all this money. I was like, bro, I'm going to spend it. I didn't have any thought at all about saving it. I was like, what? Saving it. That was me. I just bought a couch. I bought like a $9,000 couch for our new home. I felt so much guilt. Yeah, you feel guilt for sure. But when you sit in that sucker, you're like, oh.

Also for the rest of our lives. This is a forever home. Dude, we have Mae West's couch in the green room of the mothership. That's how long a couch can hang around for and move around. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to Peter Shore. Shout out to Chamonix. They sold me my couch. Peter Shore gave me the couch that's in the mothership. Dude, that dude...

is one of the most fascinating people. He has like 12 different degrees. Oh, Peter's brilliant. He's so smart, dude. Yeah, he's great. He sent me some shit that he wrote and it's really good. He's definitely the smartest of the shores. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah, he's a smart. He's the one I know. But yeah. I know all of them. Scott's great too. The other brother that lives in San Diego. He's awesome. I love him. Yeah. And Pauly. Pauly's awesome too. Pauly's like a different human now. It's fun. He seems to be changed. He's a sweetheart. He really is. He's very calm. Yeah. You know, I think... Listen...

That kid got famous when he was like 18 years old. Like, that's not good for anybody. That's not good for Miley Cyrus. I've met so many people that got famous when they were young. Macaulay Culkin did a podcast with him. It's poison. That was a good pod, dude. He's an interesting guy. I want to befriend him. He's in Paris. He's a very smart guy. Yeah. Very, very smart. And interesting and kind and cool to talk to. But you don't get through that and not get fucked up. But Paulie...

You know, I mean he was being babysat by Sam Kinison like what yeah like he grew up with his mom Like literally I leave him in the crib. Let him cry. I'll make him funny. Yeah I went to a party at Roman Polanski's house in Paris. Yeah. Well like I did a show you there's a

So his son Elvis was like, you must come to my party. And I was like, we're not going to hang out with you. And then someone else was like, it's in Roman Polanski's house. You should go to the party. So we mobbed deep. I told all these comics. We roll in there. And then instead of going up when we get to the apartment, we have to go down because Roman Polanski said, no party in my house. So we had to party in the parking garage below his home. Oh, God. It was so...

We had the highest expectations that we were going into Shangri-La. Right. But no, we just partied by some shitty Euro trash cars as a 16-year-old DJed the worst music ever and we drank warm beer. But Polanski, did you see him? No. No, I did not. But I did go into the apartment to use the bathroom. It's very nice up there. I bet. Very nice. Very well-appointed place. Mm-hmm.

I mean, dude, he might be a pedophile, but fucking Chinatown? It seems like a lot of people were pedophiles back then. Well, it was a different time. That's what's crazy. Like, there's songs. Yeah. Like, Christine 16. Let's get a couple more candles on that cake. Yeah. 16 candles? I need two more, boys. Yeah. And then there was the other song. She was only 17. And then there was the Rick James song. She was 17, but she was sexy. Yeah.

And Jailbait? That song rules. What's Jailbait? Nugent, man. Oh, that's right. Yeah. He had a few issues with that as well. Just saying, he rules. It was a different time. Back then, guys like Seinfeld dated that Shoshana Lonnstein girl. She was like 17. She looked like that catfish woman at the time, though. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Age is just a number, baby. You're like Aristotle. Yeah, like Socrates.

Socrates. Normal. Normal stuff. Jesus, why is everybody so uptight?

I've never banged a kid, but... Neither have I. But I think of it very differently when it's a hot woman and a 17-year-old kid. Hot woman and a 17-year-old boy, everybody's fine with. Of course. It's a joke. Throw them a parade. Exactly. Yeah. But a 17-year-old girl and a hot man, and you're like, what's wrong with you, you piece of shit? I know. You know? Like Chris Hemsworth started fucking high school seniors.

I mean, allegedly. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you did that? No, I don't think the story exists. I think it's fake. Those are the luckiest girls in the world. I know. They'd be like, oh my God, he's so fucking cute. Yeah, you lose your virginity to Hemsworth? I doubt there's 17-year-old virgins left. I don't know. These days, these kids are fucking. Yeah, they really are. They're getting after it. They can't get enough of it. Well, they have porn on their phone. I know, dude. They're so warped.

They're so warped. I mean, we were running a mass psychology experiment on kids, and no one's talking about it. No, their brains are mushed. They have to be. Yeah. They have to be. Dude, it's really hard to have a conversation with young people because they're constantly reaching for their phone. They can't stop. They can't, yeah. Because they're just getting pure serotonin, and the world's at their fingertips. Well, think about podcasts. It's like the only time that I ever get a chance to talk to someone and not look at my phone at all. Yeah. It's the only time.

I know. Normal, if you and I were at dinner, I might look at my phone real quick. I'm like, I'm going to text this guy back. I find some reason why it's so important that I send this message. Yeah, show you some funny. Show you that guy dancing around. I'm watching. Hopefully that's after dinner. That's the mint. That one might fuck up your appetite. It's like looking in a mirror. Jesus. Maybe that's my new course. The anarchy thing didn't work out. I could kind of rap. Yeah. Let's see if I can rap. I could do this. Alone in your hotel room in the mirror.

There's actually two rap songs I did online. No way! The Clandestine Apostles. Oh, the Clandestine Apostles is a great name. Yeah, me and my wife. I ate an edible with my buddy Pat. Yeah, we put down a couple tracks.

Oh my god, that's awesome. But yeah, I mean, it's just like there's these kids, and also there are a lot of really exciting kids doing really cool shit. Oh, sure. Like, if you grow up with every bit of music, if you synthesize that all into something, it's going to be new. Not just every bit of music, but every bit of music instantaneously available anytime you want. Yeah. Just pull out your phone, press a button, bam, music. Yeah.

There's never been anything remotely like that. It's a valuable tool. You have the Library of Alexandria in your hand at all times. You really do. You really do. Oh, no. Let's hear some of this. Let's go. Poor boys who hate on us. I just fucked their bitch. You had to disc golf course. I just fucked your bitch. If I was your child. That's me singing the hook. I'd still be revived.

I don't know why you guys didn't make it. I don't understand. There's no justice in the world. This was last year. This was last year.

I can't hide behind youth on this one. Oh, no. I was hoping you were like 12. No, dude. This was 36-year-old Sam Talent and his wife a little high. That's hilarious. I played it for Danny Brown once. He listened to the whole thing. How about that guy last night whose mom became a country music star at 54? Excuse me. Star is a big word. You use it like porno star. They're all stars. There's no porn.

No one says that I'm a porn actress. They're all porno stars. I texted Tony this morning. I was like, that was a wild move. Oh my God, it was so wild. It was wild. They found her. Was she kind of hot? Kind of. Was she really hot? She was a total babe. Wow.

She was a smoking blonde. And then she had a song and the son was like, yeah, she uses AI to write the lyrics. Like, hey, shut the fuck up, kid. That was her son saying it, too. Yeah, like, hey, kid, this is your mom's opportunity to make it as a country star. I know. And you're selling her out by saying she gets AI to write the lyrics, you fuckhead. Yeah, that was a bad move on his part. You almost should have edited that out to fuck the kid. Because the kid, he kind of bombed. Well. He was mad, pissed.

Kind of. He bombed. He bombed. But he was mad that his mom was out there making legitimate music. And they just gave her a career last night. Imagine she'll... Look, Tony's such a psycho. He'll have her come and perform. For sure. Yeah. She'll be the cocktail girl. Well, I think Red Band followed her and DM'd her on the show. On the show. Followed her on Instagram and DM'd her. Do you remember what her name was? We'll follow her. D, L-E-E.

D comma L-E-E. But it was like dilly.official on Instagram, right? Mm-hmm.

Jamie will find it. Yeah, Jamie's on it right now. Is it D-L-E-E? I don't know if there's an apostrophe on Instagram, though. Can you even use an apostrophe when you sign up for an Instagram? No, but like on her Spotify, her name was D-Lee. Right. It's D-L-E-E on Spotify. And now the Kill Tony fan base is going to descend upon her. And the JRE fan base. Yeah, I know. You're a kingmaker. Let's see the photos of this lady. Come on, man. My dick is hard. Let's go. Come on. I'm close. I'm close, Jamie.

I've been edging the whole time. Me and Sam Tal have been talking about Cox for two hours now. Ever since the Indianapolis thing. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Jesus Christ, Jamie. Come on, man. You're edging me. Okay, this is the lady. Oh, she's beautiful. Yeah, she's... So that's this guy's mom. That's hilarious. I think that's her. That is hilarious. Yeah, man. And then does she really have an OnlyFans or are they fucking right? No, no. That's funny. Yeah. When he's like, do not follow my mom's OnlyFans. Click on followers. Make sure this is her.

Yeah, that's her. She got 70 followers. She had 63 last night. That's her. Let's see what she has now. 70. Jamie just followed her. You should follow her. I'm not fucking up my algorithm. Her brain's going to explode. I'm not fucking up your algorithm. I'm going to fuck up my algorithm. I want to see where this goes. I think it's hilarious. It's so funny just what...

The power in your guys's hands, you know? It is ridiculous. It's in the wrong hands for sure. But it's also like this lady, like the son being upset that the mother still has a dream. Oh, she's 54. So what? She's alive. She's a human being and she's alive. Yeah. Now she feels safe. She can create now. Why don't you let her go, you fuckhead? Do you single kissing frogs? Yeah, kissing frogs. That's it. That's her. That's her.

Number 53 in the top 100 country chart. She's a babe That's like the bill Hicks joke about Iraq was the fifth largest army mm-hmm like yeah, but after the first three There's a huge drop-off Salvation Army's number four She's number 53 like what's okay? 52 did you ever know Ollie Joe Prater? I did not know damn that guy's so fascinating. Yeah. Yeah, he has a special on YouTube. Oh

And it's him doing like every hack line that guys did. But I think he was the first to do them. Like he chugs a beer and he's like, that's all I learned in college. You know, that's his opener. I think he was a hack. I think so. I don't think it was like he wrote them. I think they were out there. Well, Hicks told a story about Ollie Joe when he got real fat and he would have to go on stage at the beginning of the show and they'd throw a sheet over him.

So he would just be on stage because he was immobile. So the whole show, host, feature. And then, ladies and gentlemen, Ollie Joe Prater. And they would pull the sheet off of him. Oh, my God. Because he was like, you know, a big wad. But I guess one time he was smoking under the sheet. And he caught it on fire. He caught it on fire. No!

Couldn't go to the opener and then the middle without a cigarette. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, he'd be under there with like a bottle of Jack Daniels and a bunch of cigs. There's a photo of him at the comedy store in Hollywood and it's him standing next to the comedy store. Was it a van or a limo? I forget. But he's...

It's so crazy how big he is. And he's also like 5'4". He looks like Yosemite Sam, but morbidly obese. He's a ball. He's basically a ball, and he probably weighs 500 pounds. That's how Ralphie was, especially at the end. This is Ollie Joe Prater. Oh, so he's thinner back then. Yeah, this is him in his prime. This is sleek Ollie Joe Prater. Yeah.

This is before he had to go on stage with a sheet. Right. Imagine them accommodating that. Oh, they had to figure it out. Roll out a 600-pound guy. Yeah. I could go, but I need a sheet. He looks like a prospector. Look at this. The old days, Richard Pryor, Mitzi. Is that Dave Koechner? Who's that on the right? Oh, that's, what's his name? Renegade white man. I think that was MySpace, or someone made one for him.

Uh-oh, he had a MySpace? So MySpace is still a thing. He died in 91, so I don't think... Did you think MySpace is like radio in terms of how many tickets you sell? How is that... What is this? This is the homepage for MySpace. Oh, fuck.

What is it? Featured. Go to featured. What does it say? I'm on featured. Oh, okay. Artists of the Day. Click Artists of the Day. Who's the Artists of the Day? See what it says there? What's the Artists of the Day on my screen? This is how we used to book tours when I was in that band. What day is this that this was made? Is this like from 2008 or is this real? The pictures aren't loading so it might not be. It might not be up anymore.

2017. 2017. So they gave up in 2017. Gave up the ghost. Didn't like Justin Timberlake buy it or some shit? I don't know. Did he? The company he owned or he was part of, yeah, they bought it like for assets probably and...

That was the key. For assets. That's how you got bad shows at squats. You'd be on MySpace. Well, once Dane Cook became famous on MySpace, then everybody figured out, like, oh, my God, you can actually get famous on the internet. Yeah. He was the first guy, for sure. June 2011, they purchased it for $35 million. I could have saved them a lot of money. I'd say, hey, guys, you can give them $35. Yeah.

What they think they were going to do, breathe life into this corpse? They made money. Okay. What does it say? Got bought a couple years later for 87. Some other moron bought it. Time. Time bought it for 87 million. That's time. I could have saved you some money too. Yeah.

Eight years later. You are so much better off coming up with your own new social media site than trying to resurrect one the people have abandoned. Maybe they like own the music that was posted on there. Well, the weird one about MySpace is it was so popular and then not. Yeah. Almost like that. Facebook. Facebook.

But I mean, how did it lose that many people? It wasn't cool anymore. Facebook became cool and young people wanted to be on Facebook. Now Facebook is for old people. It is, yeah. But it's still alive because old people, for the most part, because of healthcare advances. These people, they've managed to hang in there longer.

They got better medication. Oh, yeah. These folks are staying around. Now they can post. Oh, my God. I love reading people post about like immigration or America or like what's wrong with this country or bringing Jesus back into the school system. I love it. Yeah, me too. And I love like reading the arguments and the comments. I love it. Oh, yeah. I love it. Yeah. It's good that they have a place to have these insane conversations where it's also –

for everyone to watch forever. I read them when everyone in my house is asleep. When everyone in my house is asleep and I'm procrastinating before I write, one of the things that I do is I'll go on Facebook and just read people's rants. Like, what the fuck are you angry about? The Dairy Queen and Sturgis. Just fucking people married. They need to fix these potholes. Like, what? The problem is the money's all going to the immigrants. I heard Trump say they're bottoming out

out our social security. They're just chronicling the decay of middle America. There's going to be a civil war in this country, I'll tell you what. A rain's going to come. Let's hope not, you fuckheads. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Don't be summoning that shit like a demon. I know, dude. I'll be out there. How about we all figure out that we're being played and come together on important issues? Like, what's real freedom? God damn it. Be whatever the fuck you want to be. Leave everybody alone. Be nice. Yeah. Everybody. You do it over there, I'll do it over here. Yeah.

Yeah, and if I want to go over there and watch, let me watch a little bit of that. For sure. Let me see that fat guy dance around. Exactly. And I'll teach you how to clean a gun. I'll show you how to shoot a bow and arrow. Yeah. Let's have fun. We're way more connected in this country than we are separate.

Everybody wants the same thing. Yeah. It's just we need to get that in our head and no one's telling us that. Everyone's telling us that there's these battles for our existence. The very soul of this nation. Yeah, the soul of democracy. The democracy, democracy. This isn't even a democracy. No. It's a republic. And it's an oligarchy, really. Yeah. Yeah, it's just corporations on the country. It is now. Yeah. The money, it's just people lost their way.

The guys who founded this country, they did a great job of preparing for the worst. Oh, yeah. But they didn't understand how big it was going to get. How could they? Also, if you love freedom of speech and freedom of religion and freedom to gather, you also then have to love the Second Amendment. Yeah. That's the big thing that divides me from my more liberal friends is they're into all freedoms except for the one that allows you to protect yourself and your family. You know what I mean? Well, I understand why they do it. I do. I do.

Understand why they feel that way it's because gun violence is abhorrent. It's a horrible thing. It's gun violence is terrible It's an American problem. It is an American problem But but the problem exists right right so we don't live in a utopian world where people don't try to impose themselves on you and especially like for someone who's not physically Strong strong or large. It's the great equalizer. A woman is being attacked. The great equalizer is a gun It's not karate

It's just not as a person who's a martial artist for their whole life. I'm telling you now. It's not the move The move is a gun Yeah some fucking asshole breaks into your house and wants to rape you and you're a woman the answer is a gun right and the cops take too long to get there for sure then you Defunded the cops because you thought you're being cute. Yeah, because you wanted to show you weren't racist and now guess what? It's way worse for everybody including the people of color including the people especially the people live in bad communities Yeah, because the cops are never going there now. So

So all the people that wanted to avoid all that shit and the cops are the only thing keeping the wolves away from the door. Now you're dealing with it head on. And those are the people that calling for the refunding of the police, the people in these fucked up neighborhoods. And that's why you need guns, you know? And it's not like the argument to like have guns to protect yourself against the government, the governmental nuke you, the government can throw it, send in drones. You know, like I don't think that like a bunch of people that are,

Capable with the submachine guns are gonna be able to defend against the fucking all-time greatest army in the world Yeah, you know but it is like you know You have a little peace of mind and you can buy a little bit of you can sleep a little bit sounder knowing you got that 9 millimeter in the drawer it helps yeah, and it's also You know the idea that the government but here's the problem the government is people right so the military's people and the people that are in the military are the least likely to

Go along with this idea because most of them are blue-collar you most of them are lower middle class lower class like there are people that are struggling in this world and they don't have trust in this fucking Institution is telling you to attack their neighbors because the neighbors are not compliant and some evil dictators. Yeah Good luck pulling that shit off. That's what civil war happens. That's for sure That's when the army has to turn its guns on their friends and family. That's gonna be a real tough sell Yeah

I think the ideological civil war is much more likely to take place. That something, some existential notion, something that we all agree is the end of our society, our civilization as we know it, if we don't do X, Y, or Z. And then on one side, people oppose it, and one side, people support it. And then they start stripping rights away. And they start fueling the flames to get this done.

It's really possible that we could have a civil war in this country. The way people are so divided left and right today is bizarre. Fully accentuated by not just social media, but social media that's being operated by other countries. Yeah. We talked about this before, but 19 of the top 20 Facebook Christian pages are run by Russian trolls. Wow. 19. Yeah. So there's 20 of the top Christian sites on Facebook. Wow.

Millions of people are interacting. 19 of them are run by Russian troll farms. And the other one's the Westboro Baptist Church. You would hope that one would be legit. Yeah. You know, one would be legit, but there's a lot of bullshit online, and it's because we're so susceptible to bullshit. We love it. Yeah. It makes sense. It's an easy solution. This quotable thing that I read on my aunt's Facebook, you know?

Do you think that comedy's gonna be affected by air? No, cuz comedy is like one of the only live things that you have to do Yeah, you know you have to see it live for it to be very good. You can watch comedy specials Yeah, but they're not as good as being in the room I think that is we're protected by that and an AI comedy special as of lately as of Again, it changes so fast. It's so quick, but the ones that I've seen like the George Carlin one They made up and they suck. Mm-hmm. They just feel fake. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, it lacks the human heart the soul of the thing isn't in there the Alexa the signature of a Individual an actual soul and you can't teach timing, you know, is AI gonna learn timing I wonder all these little like intangible parts of being a good stand-up. I think it ultimately will well a I go and start doing crowd work when they're bombing and

No, I don't think it's gonna be able to perform in front of a crowd I think but AI specials might be a thing well because they've already got really good AI rap songs for sure Yeah, and AI deep fakes, you know, yeah the crazy pornography you can oh, yeah crazy shit. I mean everybody's fucking yeah Yeah, Putin banging Marilyn Monroe. Oh, yeah. Yeah, good stuff. Yeah, I

I mean, if you imagine if that's what porn becomes, like instead of, you know, you're like, oh, it's like taking advantage of these people. No, no, no. These aren't even real people. Right. This is just like, this is a fantasy. This lady gets stuck in the dryer. Right.

And she's asking you to pull her out with your cock. And it's the only way. And it's also your ex from college. You can like upload her Instagram into the matrix. And then next thing you know, you're jerking off to this unrequited love. And then the government finds out that you're doing that. And then they stormtroopers break down your door and find her and you with your pants down on the computer. And then you go to thought police jail. Hey, man.

That's one of the better jails you can go to for mind crimes. Right. As opposed to violent crime jail. Probably cool neighbors. Oh, for sure. You're in jail with thought police people. Curious people. Yeah, interesting people. Just asking questions. Just trying to find out. Yeah, inquisitive souls. I just want to know, why can't I jerk off to this deep fake of my high school sweetheart? What am I doing? What's wrong? Am I hurting anyone? Yeah. What's the argument for give pedophiles AI porn of children?

You know, because then they can like satisfy their terrible urge. I've heard even worse. I've heard give them robot dolls. Of course, I've heard that too. But I think that's a bridge too far. It's all a bridge too far. It's all fucking weird. I know. Because they're trying, so many people are trying to equate pedophilia with what they're calling minor attracted persons. I know. They're trying to rebrand it.

How weird. How weird that they would give that one a go. The ultimate evil? Yeah, let's put a new spin on this. Why would you want to give that one a go? Remember New Coke? We've got new pedophiles.

But isn't it just like it's indicative of this thing that we're talking about that most people aren't even really thinking about things clearly Yeah, they're just subscribing. Mm-hmm Well, it's easy if someone you think is smart tells you you know what to think then you are unburdened by having to make your own decisions Especially if it seems compassionate. Yeah, like you're being kind to these people that are just minor attracted person. I know it's not their fault Yeah, you're born that way. It's like great. They're born that way, but if they act upon it, they should be beheaded Yeah, you know

In Times Square. Oh, yeah. For all to see. Make an example of it. Yeah, make an example. Cover them in honey, feed them to ants. The problem is the media is completely full of shit, and so is the government, and they would decide, you know, Sam Talent's been making a lot of noise.

I don't want to be the face of this movement show. Let's upload some fucking nasty shit onto his computer, which they definitely have done before to people. And then, you know, you have to defend it. And so then all of a sudden there's newspapers, Sam Talent in jail for porn, child porn. Like, oh, my God. Yeah. That's all I need. And then the people are out there, hang him, hang him, hang him. Well, no news is bad news, you know. Yeah. They'll be selling certain markets.

It probably would. In certain places, they were like, I like that guy. The great pedophile comedian? Yeah. Like New Mexico, where they used to send the pedophile priests? Yeah, what was that about? Well, they send them all over the place, for sure. But there was a few states that had very suspect laws. Were they sending them to the reservation and stuff? They definitely did that, too. Yeah, I know that. One of the things that some states, and I think New Mexico was one of them, had bizarre laws. Like the age of consent for a girl...

Like for a man to be with a girl was like the girl to be 16 Okay, but the age of consent for a boy and a man was like 13 what yeah, that's that's some creative accounting right? They're cooking the books which come up with that yeah, and I think the reason being was to exonerate pedophiles

That were like religious pedophiles. It was consensual. Did you ever see Hear No Evil? Or is it See No Evil? I think it's See No Evil. But it just is really essentially a documentary tracking how all these different pedophiles got moved into areas. And they follow this one specific one where this guy had molested who knows how many fucking kids. One of them was a guy. And this was what...

made Ratzinger have to step down when that Pope stepped down. He was responsible for sending this one guy. He got caught being a pedophile. So they sent him to a new location where he molested 100 deaf kids. And it's like, it must've sounded terrible in that room. Yeah. And no one knows you're screaming. The,

The fact that it's like you think Catholic priest, you think pedophile. Like that. They're synonymous. Instantaneously. Like you don't.

Like, how many did there have to be before that became completely... It's not like occasionally the UPS driver is a car thief. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. When I think UPS, I don't think Kia boy. Right. Exactly. When I think priest, I do think in a boy. Yeah. Hey, you know. But yeah, it's...

But their laws were set up, I think, in some states. I think that's the suspicion. That's a very good hypothesis. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're never going to get rid of it, you know? Just make it so it's not too illegal. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he only missed the age by a year. Come on. The kid was 11. He was, like, really grown. He's a tall kid. He's a tall kid. Pupes already. He's precocious. What's the big deal? He likes candy.

I really, uh, New Mexico is so weird, dude. It's a weird place. Cockfighting was legal until like eight years ago. It's still legal in some places. I think cockfighting is legal in multiple states. It was Louisiana and New Mexico were the last holdouts. Were they? Yeah. Is this for sure? I think so. What states have cockfighting still legal? I don't think any are legal, but I think those were the last two. I had a gardener that used to cockfight. I went to his house once and, uh...

He had snuck over from Mexico and he would go back and forth. And like one time he said, I'm going to be gone for like six months. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm going back to Mexico. I go, when are you coming back? He goes, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get back.

I'm going to try. I go, well, when you try, you know where I'm at. Let me know. I go, I'll just get somebody else to take care of it while you're gone. Just holler at me when you get back. Did he go back to cockfight? No, he went back just to go back to Mexico for a little bit. He eventually went back to Mexico to move. He eventually gave up on America one day. But he was my gardener for like 10 years. Cool guy.

But he goes, do you want to see the cock fights? I was like, yeah. Of course. Let's see what that's like. So he took me to a neighborhood in Los Angeles that I might as well have been in Mexico. There was no non-Mexican people there in the neighborhood. Everybody spoke Spanish. All the signs were in Spanish. It was like, wow, this is like a whole little area that I wasn't aware of.

So we go to his friend's house and we go into the backyard and his friend had stacks upon stacks of chicken coops. Wow. Just everywhere. Roosters everywhere. I was like, this is nuts, man. I go, what the fuck is the morning sound like here? Yeah. And he was like, but everybody has chickens. It's no big deal. I was like, everybody has chickens? And there was like

This guy over there, you go to his backyard, fill with roosters. This guy over there, his backyard, fill with roosters. Yeah. And they would get them together. Everybody would get together and gamble. They would all drink. Yeah. They'd have the chicken fight. One chicken would lose. They would boil them and eat them. He's like, we're going to eat them anyway. Of course. It's just like the way we gamble. Yeah, and one will die with pride.

Yeah. I mean, it's barbaric, but it's a hell of a show. They put razors on their claws. That's where I lose interest. Well, that's the only way to get them to kill each other. Really? Otherwise, they just peck each other and fucking get tired. Got a couple of fun facts here for you. Okay. I got an article from last year, New York Times, about...

Cockfighting. According to some rooster men, the game fowl or fighting chicken was almost chosen to be the national bird of America. And it should have, a breeder once told me. An eagle ain't nothing more than a glorified buzzard. That guy's an idiot. Eagles are majestic. Eagles are fucking amazing. They catch salmon with their feet, you fucking retard. They do war in the sky. Such game fowl lore and sentiment abound. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were devoted rooster fighters.

They were devoted rooster fighters. George Washington. Union and Confederate soldiers put aside their differences on Sundays during the Civil War to pit their chickens against one another. This is the solution to that partisanship that you've been talking about. Abraham Lincoln was given the nickname Honest Abe after he displayed impartiality as a cockfighting judge. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

USA. What? They fought them on the White House lawn. They fought them right on the White House lawn, says David Thurston, president of the United Gamefowl Breeders Association, a national nonprofit dedicated to the birds' preservation. Wow. Wow.

Man, this country. There's so many different stitches in the fabric of this place. Let's end on that. Let's end on that high note, Sam Talent. Tell everybody where they can see your special. You can see it on Matt and Shane's YouTube page. What is it called? The Toad's Morale. I mean their YouTube page. I think it's called Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast YouTube. Oh, okay. And it's called The Toad's Morale. Yeah. And I also have a new travel show on.

On my YouTube. If you want to subscribe to my YouTube, that'd be huge. Come see me live. Pittsburgh, Detroit, coming your way. Nice. Yeah, man. My podcast is good. There it is. Yeah. And website. This is the travel show. Sam Towns Worldwide Tour. Nice. Yeah, Sam Towns Wide World, man. Super proud of this. Nice. Me and my boy Patrick.

Beautiful. Yeah, dude. Shout out, Jack. You're doing fun stuff, dude. It's been cool to get to know you, and you're a very funny guy. Thank you, dude. And a cool guy. It's been a lot of fun. I appreciate you, man. I appreciate you, too. Thanks for helping me change my life. Oh, please. Thank you. More to come. You're going to feel weird about being rich. I can't wait. All right. Bye, everybody. Bye.