#2169 - Protect Our Parks 12
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There's a terror alert.

What do you mean, really? Yeah. Yeah. Did I send it to you, Jamie? I didn't, right? Where? Gaza? Gaza. Yeah, well, the subs are outside of Miami. That's real. But then there's another thing. Cuban subs? Russian subs?

Is that what that is? Yes. Yeah, there's a Russian nuclear sub outside of Miami. What's troubling? Yeah, like outside of Cuba. So it's like 25 miles from Miami. There's a Russian sub. Ay-yi-yi. Yeah. CIA chief warns of possible terror attack.

They brought the draft back, you heard. I'm gonna send this to you, Jamie. What? Yeah. The fuck did I miss this? Yeah, they brought the draft back. Draft's back, baby. Well, I think... Draft kings. I don't think it's... Expansion draft? I think you always had to register for the draft. Backdraft? I think it was a thing. Just in case? Just selective service. Yeah, selective service. I don't really think much has changed. Has it, backdraft?

U.S. faces serious threat of terror attack. Fun. Great. Guys, just in time for the election. This season is the best. This season has me riveted. I don't understand. Who's writing this? How are they killing off good guys? Like, what is going on? This season of the world is amazing. Wild. The world. There's so many, so many made-up things clearly right now. The Holocaust. The Holocaust. Yeah, I'm just hearing about that. COVID. Flat Earth.

Well, there's Ukraine, there's Gaza. Space. Apparently Congo, something's happening. What's going on in the Congo? Oh, the Uyghurs? No, no, it's China. Oh, shit. Yeah, there's some... Are you drawing? I'm keeping a tally. Last I was so rough with the puking...

I'm keeping an Italian in my drinks. That's smart. That's smart. He's got a fucking ledger. He's got a ledger. So he can't be talked into more. Norman went up first at the mothership that night, and he was obliterated. You repeated jokes like three or four times, but the audience knew. The audience knew what was going on. They caught on. I was so happy that I was like five people after you, so I got to sober up.

Oh, yeah. And even then, I was like, Jesus Christ, I am way too drunk to be on stage. I thought I was killing, but they were laughing at me.

You were doing good. No, no, no. You were doing great. You were doing good. No, no, no. But when you started set up, they were like, wait, is this another joke? We just heard you say that. But you delivered it great. You had a great set. It was funny. We were watching and laughing. We were laughing. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. We were laughing because we knew how hammered you were, but you were killing. Yeah, you were still hammering. It was not bad. It was a great show. We were hammered.

We were obliterated. We were right there with you. We all drank too much. But what a fun show. What a fun day. What a fucking fun night. It was Shane going, I was on after Shane or whatever, and he goes, I found Mark. And I'm like, where? And he just goes to a back hallway and clicks a light on. And it's just, he was in the darkness.

Sleeping. Lying in his own puke. Like Blair Witch when they turn the corner and he was just there. Bro, you were just feet away from your puke sleeping. Right behind the stage. It was actually pretty cool. A drunk Aunt Frank. Yeah, someone could hear you from the stage snoring. Oh, no. Shut up. I mean, if you snored, they could hear you. I heard you too last night. He laid in it.

While I was on stage. What, had you two fucking mumbling back there? Yeah. I was like, are you guys hammered? A little. Oh, you guys were in the back having a conversation while the show was going on? Yeah, they were right behind the curtain. Why didn't someone kick them out? We were riffing on what people were saying so we were listening. Yeah, we had to prepare. You guys didn't prepare shit, dude. I was at that show. We sure didn't. Fake professionals. It was crazy.

That was the worst with the store with the hallway in the original room the worst You would be out there and you'd be having fun conversation. You wouldn't even realize you're a part of it Yeah, you're you're too loud And then you're comic and all the comics are too loud and when you're on stage like you fucking guys are so loud right? You're doing it - everyone's doing it. You know it's bad when the guy on stage like guys shut up It's that transition between that festive back corridor

Parking lot area. It's a hangout area. The parking lot is always where everybody gets out of their car. What's up? I was just in Cleveland talking shit, having fun. And then you go right into the hallway and you forget. I feel so bad for the door guys because they're like, hey, you've cleared this. And he's like, these are all guys I look up to. You have to tell them to go outside. Nobody listens.

Nobody listens to the door guards. It takes a manager to go over. I know. They'll say, you guys got to leave, and all the regulars will go, I know, right? They do. Everybody should get the fuck out of here. Does that system work? I feel like there's a Mark Maron or a Kinison, and they're like, they were door guys. This is a legitimate way to get up. But I'm like, I've seen you work the door for six years now. Listen, it can work for some people. It worked for Ari. Me, Bobby Lee. Oh, really? Yeah, Kinison. Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony was a door guard. All right, I take it all back. Run as easy. I mean, the whole thing is like,

Not everybody's going to do it. Everybody that starts out, essentially, if you're an open mic-er, you're probably doing comedy a couple years. How many of those guys from two years in are still in the business that you started with? Mostly gone. Mostly gone. So that's going to be the same thing with Dora. Is it wild when you see them? It's weird. Like an open mic guy, I'll go back to Philly and see a guy. I'm like, holy shit, dude. Yeah, and they're happier. They're always happier. They're always happier, but you feel bad for them. No, I meant the guys that are still doing it.

You mean guys that quit? The guys that quit are happier? A lot of them are happy. Really? Well, they're not getting beat up on stage every night. Bombing is hell. Yeah. And some of those guys, they just bomb forever. So if you look at a guy who's a door guy, it's a guy who's there in that spot. You know, you're just a door gal. They don't call them door gals, do they? They're also door guys. Whores. That's gross. Yeah.

That's rude. That's misgendering. Or gal. But they also called them, when they started doing male waitresses, they called them male waitresses. That's funny. They never had them. That's actually funny. That's funny, but that's okay. You can call me a male waitress. Male stewardess.

That's a stress test, too, because if you get mad, someone calls you a male waitress, you're kind of a bitch. Like, we don't care what they fucking call you. I would be pissed if somebody called me a fucking male waitress. You work at the comedy store. You work at the comedy store. They only had females for the longest time, and then they were like, we could have a dude waiter. When did they have a dude waiter? I don't remember any dude waiters. They have them now. They do now. Yeah, but Mitzi was like, no.

Holtzman said that at a funeral once. He was like, I don't like this. They're supposed to only be female and they're supposed to fuck the up-and-comers. Wow. When you think about how many comics you started out with that are actually doing it today, from open mic, I think...

I know three. You remember the ones that are still in more than the ones that quit. What were they, Burr or Fitzsimmons? I didn't know Burr until later. Burr started like a year or two after me, and I knew Fitzsimmons and I started the same time. We started like a week apart from each other. Damn. The same club. And he quit. Ah! No, he's great. Yeah, Chris McGuire. But he doesn't really do comedy anymore, although he was very funny.

He just mostly does TV projects and shit now. He was involved in that Snoop Dogg, Martha Stewart show. He wrote jokes for that. Really? Great joke writer. Chris is a great joke writer. He's a funny dude. But so he's like me, Dane. Dane was around back then. And who else? How was he at open mics? Was he killing it? Honestly, I got to say, I saw Dane when he was past open mic for the first time.

The first time I saw them, I used to do this, there's a place called Dick Daugherty's Comedy Hut. Dick Daugherty was this legendary biker slash comedian guy, legendary Boston guy. Who names these things? He was a character. He was a fun guy. But he gave me a lot of work. I love that guy because when I was just starting out, he would send you out to the middle of fucking nowhere to some weird bar gig, but you made money. And so I did the Comedy Hut when Dane was with Al and the Monkees.

Easy. Yeah, that was the show. It was a comedy show. It was yeah, it's like a band Bobby Kelly And Al Del Benny was a sketch group. Yep, they would do sketches and then they would each do like five minutes of comedy On the right that's Bobby that's hot Bob who's on the left. Holy shit. Jesus. Oh

Yeah. So this was, you know, 1990. It says two. Is that what it says there? That's crazy. 92? Yeah.

So I think I met him in 90, 91. Oh, my God. That's BCN, WBCN comedy riot winners. I mean, it was like the comedy riot was the big thing back in the day. The BCN comedy riot. Like if you won the comedy riot, you were the fucking man. They thought that was their future. They took a picture for this. Oh, yeah. Who was Al? Al's. I don't even know what Al's doing these days. I think he was in Australia. Does he? Maybe. I think maybe. Al Qaeda. Al Del Benny.

Yeah, he lives in Australia? I think he married an Australian lady and I think they moved. He didn't stand up there. So when I met them, that's what they were doing. They weren't doing stand-up separately yet. And then they sort of gave up on that and started doing stand-up separately. Damn. You had to make it work back then. But that was a couple... Yeah, now living in Sydney, Australia. Oh, my. The fact's not wrong. You nailed it. You were just there. So I guess he's still out there working. But...

So I know those guys, but that's a couple of years after open mic for me. It was like, you know, nine. If you want to feel great, have energy and be healthy, it takes a lot, not just working out and eating right, but a lot of different vitamins and minerals and probiotics and the supplements industry does not make it easy, but AG1 does. And that's why I've been using it for years. AG1 is 14 years of research, innovation, testing and improvement all

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At this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. I started in 88. So there was only like four or five guys left. Who do you guys still have around from open mics? Most of my friends. Sean Patton.

But doesn't it feel like those gigs you had to go out and do some weird, you know, Knights of Columbus bullshit or you had to do a. Yeah, those were like the best. Those were the best. Yeah. But people aren't doing those anymore. And then they just put a clip on TikTok. So I don't feel like they're learning that muscle of like, I got to win these mooks over. Some people are. I think some people are still doing it. And also, is that a good muscle to have? Yeah. I think so. To do a VFW? Yeah. Just to get them. It's also. To learn how to get a crowd that's not there for you. It's just good to know what that is.

Yes. You know, like, it's not, this magic doesn't work in every setting. Yeah. Like, you need certain settings. You need a microphone. You know, you can't have no microphone. You need a compliant audience. If you have to do a corporate gig and people are in the middle of talking, and they go, and now here's a comedian, and you go on stage, you're going to eat dick. I just did that. Did I tell you that? Oh, that Texas. Oh, yeah, you did. That Texas thing. Yes.

Bad? It was as bad. It was the worst. If you were there, I would have fucking. I was going to go. Rogan texted. I was sitting at my house and I got a text. Rogan was like, I'm going to that. I was like, fuck. Just to watch? You can't fucking go to this. Just to be fun. Just have fun. It was for Texas's. It was like fundraising for football. And they asked me to do it. I said no. Then they finally, they got me. They got me. I was like, fine, I'll do it. And the money's great. Free. Oh.

It's not great at all. I did it for field passes. All right, all right. That's something. And also, I'm friends with those people. It was fine. But thankfully, Tony came. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I'm bringing Tony on stage because I'm going to die. Dude, I went first. It was on the field. It was in a concert stage because Brooks and Dunn was the concert after. How many people were there? I had to go first.

500, 600, but it was like a wedding. They were on the field. That's the worst. And it was just round tables. Dude, I went on. It was sunny out. It was in the football stadium. No, no, no, no, no. I was on the 50-yard line. 600 people at a football stadium. Now I wish I got there. It was like a wedding. When I got on stage, everyone was standing and drinking. I bailed. I tried to do a trumpet. I was like, this isn't working.

You guys wanna hear a drum impression? Did that work? I did like one word and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm sorry. It shouldn't have comedy. It's so bad. It should just be music and those things. In the beginning, there's a comedy. I think those gigs, they test you. How much do you really want to do this? Football fear. You got Hamlin'd. He died out there. He died on the field. It was bad.

That's rough. Those settings are always horrible. Oh, and then before we go on, I was like, I'm going to bring Tony on. And then the guy who was running it freaked out. He was like, oh, shit. He just saw the roast. So he was like, this guy can't go up there. Yeah. He's like, there's kids here. And I was like, there's fucking kids here? Ah!

There's literally kids running around in front of the stage and off there like people don't understand comedy think it's like carpentry Can you hang this shelf? Come here tell jokes do a joke about this when you're up there do it a hundred degrees in front of the richest people in Texas Yeah

Outside. They picture everyone just laughing and having a good time, but no, you've got to listen to me do a bit about fingering. Yeah. Literally, they'll fucking laugh to get sucked up by the grass. No one laughed. Of course. It's outside. I mean, I think I saw people laughing. I wish I was there. I saw some people laughing. I would have been howling. The...

You would have been having... Yeah. You would have. Just a comedian section in the way, way top in a box seat. Yeah. On the floor. That is a beautiful moment watching a friend bomb hard. Only...

Only a friend that you know is funny. Yeah. Like if someone bombs and they bomb all the time, it's pathetic. There's a specific laugh where it goes, it goes, set up, punchline, then a pause, quick pause, the audience should laugh, then a half second after when they don't, it's the two comics in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy, Dick. Go on.

That's a trickle of sweat on the forehead. And I'm like, look, dude, I know I'm bombing, dude. Shut the fuck up. Get out of here. Oh, he's got the dry mouth. Isn't it funny how sometimes you go on stage and it's almost like you enter into a wrong cadence or just a wrong thought process, a wrong rhythm, and then you're like, I gotta get out

How do I get out of this and get normal? I don't talk like this. How did I get stuck saying things in this order? Actually, that show, I just watched season one of Eastbound Down Again, and I was literally just talking like Kenny Powers. Oh, yeah. I was on stage like, good to see you motherfuckers made it out tonight. I was just like, this is how I talk. Oh, my God. It was bad. There were kids out there? There were kids, and then I brought Tony on stage, and we did like tame...

roast jokes like Vince Young was there. I was like, Vince Young, I heard it's your birthday today. You're 41, more like Vince Old. Hey, that's not bad. Can I use that? Oh my god. Vince Young was sitting in the front like,

The rhythm thing, but you know what else is weird? You make some weird choice out of the gate. You're like, I'm going to fuck with this guy first, and it just derails your whole set. You're like, why didn't I just do my act? Why did I bring him up? It's choices. Sometimes they go sideways, and sometimes they don't. But if you don't follow them, you'll never get those tags. You never get that, like,

that new branch that comes off a bit. Follow the field. It's just so funny. Yeah. It's just sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes you get a warning, the MC's on, I got off, you're about to go on, I'm like, oh, there's a lady on the side, she wants it to be all about her, like, don't. And then you'll, you won't for a second, and then you ask, like, what's your problem? Like, fuck! And then she's like, I unleashed her, I got the warning! They get you. Oh, no.

They're always gonna get you. Just waiting to be called on. God, there's so many needy people out there. Yeah. They don't just want to see a show. They want to be needy. Oh, I've met dudes. I've met needy dudes that want to talk to you while you're on stage. Why are you doing that? Oh,

Yeah, I did a show. It was like a hockey arena show. And this drunk guy, did I tell this last time? Possibly. I was blacked out. This guy snuck behind the screen. So he was just sitting by himself up in a balcony. No one was allowed to sit there. He just was sitting by himself. And I heard him the entire show. But he would only talk when I was talking. I would start talking and he'd be like, Shane. Oh no! And I was on stage like...

What is it? It was like trying to find a fucking cricket in your house. Right. The second you stop, it stops and you're like...

And then finally he was like, yay. I saw him. I looked up and I was like, oh, he's up there. And he was like, hey, I love you. He's doing that. I was like, oh, there he is. Fucking kick him out. We used to get hecklers at the Vulcan that would lean over the balcony and you couldn't even see him. There's the spotlights in your face. Who's up there? What are you talking? Like people above you yelling things down at you. Fuck yeah.

When it's while you're talking. Yes. And you're like, I swear to God I hear something. And it's a fucking arena and no one else hears it. That's brutal. So I'm just on stage like, in between jokes looking around, they're like, God damn this guy's some people, they shouldn't go to a comedy show. No. They're just like, this should be a test. They took that guy and put him straight in a cop car. He drove by himself. They were like, all right. You can't drive. A security guard grabbed him, his shoes fell off. Oh my God. He was like,

I was like, all right. This guy does. It is cool, though. I did say it. I was like, this guy does actually rule. His shoes fell off. His shoes fell off right away. He wasn't saying anything bad. He just snuck behind the stage and was going, I love you.

What a nut, dude. He was having fun. It's so hard to explain to a positive person that they're ruining everything. I know. Yes. Right. Especially one with a 70 IQ. I did Philly last week, and I had the lady who had the crazy laugh. So she's nice. She's loving the show. She's like...

And you're like, you gotta go. You're ruining everything. She's like, I'm laughing. I'm like, but you're... Oh, you kicked her out? I had to. It was too much. She ruined the opener's whole set. Yeah. So then when I went on, she's laughing in the middle of setups where you need like a pause and we had to get her out of there. It was too much. Was she a crazy person? Yeah, she was making it about her. She knew what she was doing. Oh,

She was doing it on purpose? I think so. It was way over the top. It was like the Joker. Like almost like a prank? Kind of, yeah. Or she just wanted you to know she was laughing. Yeah. So she went harder. It was like fake orgasm chick where you're like, hey, this is not real. Yeah, right. I have six inches of thin steel here. Come on. Six inches? Five and a half. All right. I'm all veins. He's measuring from the knee. It's all veins. A lot of vein.

Did a corporate gig in Toronto. It was the best setup ever. Did I tell this? No, but I know this. Restaurant? Remember I told you this Super Bowl thing? Yeah. It's the same guy. No way. Yeah, all right. Sorry. Well, it was just a hell gig of all hell gigs. It was all these rich millionaire guys, and the guy goes, I'm a huge fan. You got to do this bit, do that bit. I'm like, this is a lock. He's telling me what bits to do. I'm in. So I open up with all the bits, and they're all bombing. It's corporate. Had the Fisher Price mic. Yeah.

You know, that whole thing. And then I'm bombing, and the guy's sitting in the front row going, what are you doing? What are you doing? This isn't like your special I saw. I'm doing the bits. They're not laughing. I don't know what else to do. So I bomb for a full hour. What are you doing? That's not helping. What are you doing? Same show. He's trying to encourage your coach. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a rough show. He brought me into a dinner, and it was in front of just NFL Hall of Famers.

At a steak dinner table. Yes. Just a dinner. And he was like, all right, stand up. That was it. And the first time he did it, I was like, I'm not doing it. Yeah. And he was cool about it. He was like, okay. He was nice. And then I realized he really wanted me to do stand up, so I was like,

Come to a show later. I'll talk about Down syndrome in front of fucking Jerry Rice. Come to a show. Yeah, come to a show. Fuck this. This is nonsense. I had one good corporate. It was for the Border Patrol. Oh, really? And they saw me in La Jolla in San Diego at a club. And he's like, yeah, do that stuff. I'm like, okay, but corporates are, he goes, they're pieces of shit. Do whatever you want. And I was like, okay, great. And they really were. Cops are great crowds.

Yeah, well we did that show last year. They were awesome. It was awesome. Yeah two shows. Yeah, it's like Comedy should be in a fucking comedy club and it probably should be more than five minutes - that's one when I never did one of those late-night shows like it was like that just doesn't seem like You know, I just can't get cooking in five minutes. Yeah, you know I need some time and I also like

I don't want to water anything down. I don't want to do it. It goes with the style. Yeah. There's a specific style for it. Yeah. If you're like a set-up punch joke writer guy, it's great. But I wonder today if it's even worth doing. It was certainly worth doing when you guys were doing it. Not at all. But today it seems like to develop a solid five minutes and do it on one of those shows. No one's going to see it. I got Sam. We were all hanging out. Me, him, and Sam were hanging out in the cellar. And he said he got an offer for a cordon or something like that. And he was like, they're not paying. Woo.

And then I got to fly myself there. Also, you're doing stand-up on a non-stand-up show? Yeah, he goes, oh, I can just get those views on my own. Like tonight, right now. One TikTok. Yeah, it's a weird situation now where that thing has just evaporated in front of our face. Yeah, and then they... I'm doing the Tonight Show soon. But the guy's like, hey, we'd love to have you. And I'm like, all right, great, here's the set. And he's like, ooh, can you change this and that? I'm like, well, why would I do it now? You guys got to like...

Change with the times. You got to bend a little. I had to fight for Boner. I got Boner on. Oh, gosh. But that was a fight. Nice. Boner fight. What's funny because before the internet, Boner was a no-go. Great video game. Boner was never happening before the internet. Boner. It's a funny word, though. Yeah. It's funnier than erection. Boner's a word. He's a character on Growing Pains. Yeah, Boner. It's a bone. Oh, interesting. I don't think they meant that thing. Same thing, though. Washed up dead. When did Boner become a hard-on? Washed up dead in the shores of Vancouver. Really? Boner.

Pull it up. What do you mean? What are you saying? He washed up the actor who played Boners to Bone. Oh, really? Washed up dead on a fucking beach. Oh, did he drown? Yeah, I don't know. A lot of sitcom guys get fucked. You're lucky you got out easy. Well, you know what it is? They start really young. No, they start really young. Oh.

They start young That's what it is they start they become kids and they become famous when they're kids which you just can't do that works out a lot Having a child be an actor yeah move it is the worst thing you can do to a kid other than like awful things Kevin Spacey Yeah, wait a minute boner found I got two facts. All right I was discovered in a heavily wooded area about a hundred feet from a footpath to the huge park. Damn. How did he die boner in a wooded?

Foul play was not suspected. I don't know about that. What does that mean? What an area is never good. How did he die then? Doesn't say, I don't know. I'll look. It's okay. His name was Dick. But they all, I've met a bunch. His name was Dick and his nickname was Boner. Perfect. That sucks. Boner used to be just a mess up, right? A boner? Pulled a boner. It used to be that. What? Yeah. When did boner become something that people used to describe their dick?

You know, maybe it's like one of those things like gay. Flintstones had a gay old time, remember? Gay used to be fun. We'll have a gay time. And then all of a sudden, they took it just like they took the rainbow. They took it from us. They stole it. They stole it. And now they own it. We're taking it back. Gay old time. That's why when people get mad if you call something gay...

Like, he used to be fun. Blunder. Yeah, it was Blunder. 1912 baseball slang. What? Probably from Bonehead. Bonehead move. The meaning erect penis is from the 1950s. Okay.

Okay, so the 1950s, boner became a dick. I mean, it's right there. Your dick's a bone, boner, it's right there. Sorry, didn't mean to get hard at the funeral. Oh, from the earlier, it used to be a bone-on in the 1940s. Follow the trends of boner, that's what I do during sex. Oh, we got something, no we don't. Yes.

Boner trends. As soon as the fucking Viagra was invented. It's not a good word in the bedroom, though. You know, if you're like, I'm so hard. You can't be like, oh, you like that boner? Yeah, it's not. He's just talking to girls, I got a fucking boner. That's a drunk. The guy using that word is drunk. Nice boobs, I got a boner. He's beer drunk. Really, all you can use is dick and cock.

Pretty much. I didn't want to say it. I've definitely hit a boner in there. Yeah, you're drinking that Bud Light, you get a boner. But if you're drinking like

25-year-old Scotch, you have an erection. There you go. You have a hard cock. Ice moving around your glass. I can't take myself seriously. I have a hard cock. It's gross, dude. My wife likes the insults and I feel bad. You said this last time. You told me this before. She's like, say mean shit. I'm a guy, so I'm like, you retard. That's not hot. You don't pay your share of the rent.

You can't cook. That's funny that she likes that. Loves it. So weird. She's a wacky lady. But probably real nice outside of that. Very nice. That's where she gets it out. Bizarre. She could maybe go to the gym. Yeah, it'd be nice. It's otherwise, too. Take a fucking yoga class. Get in there. You have to be in fucking hand-to-hand combat while you're fucking. You know?

It's weird. Remember those self-defense classes? I felt like every lady took one of those in the 80s and that kind of went away. All they taught you was to knee a guy in the balls. That was it. I went to one once. I went to one to watch to see what they teached. It was all nonsense. The only thing that they... In the back, taking notes. Yeah.

I was like 21 at the time I wanted to see it because it was at Boston University I think which is where I was teaching Taekwondo and when I was there They they had like a big blue suit the guy would wear like a big blue suit and he would like come out training German Shepherds and they would yell like stop and then they would like drop and kick him in the balls and

That was like one of the moves. And then like grabbing with your keys. There was moves where you like take your keys, you put them through your fingers like brass knuckles. Back then people had a house key, fucking mailbox key. You had a bunch of keys. You could put them in there and punch people in the face. But I was like, you know, there's no substitute for actually learning how to fight. This is not going to work. None of it will work. None of it will work. They just got to get out of that alley. I had explained to this girl. She was like 100 pounds with tiny hands. I'm like –

You should never try to hit a guy. Never try. You should learn how to not get hit and how to move, but you're not going to hurt someone. You're too small. There's just nothing you can do about it. That's a wake-up call. Because they get in this head that they're going to be karate experts and they're going to be beating up people. And I'm like, you don't have enough mass.

Like you have to have a certain amount of mass to be able to generate force to hurt someone. Leah Thomas is pretty beefy. Think of trying to be like the type of guy who hits his wife and then you go try to hit her and she can bob and weave. Well, that would suck. Jiu-jitsu is the best sport for women, the best martial art to learn for women. Because you can be very small but still with leverage and using the right technique, you can choke a guy unconscious. I've seen it happen. Yeah, I've been choked.

My friend Felicia, she weighs like 135 pounds. She's a black belt under John Jack Machado. And there was this guy who's like a porn star. He used to have a TV show on Showtime. And he was going to have this thing where he tried jujitsu with a girl. And she fucking strangled him like three or four times in a row. And I don't know if they ever even put it on TV. I think it was so embarrassing.

Because you have this 135-pound chick who's just manhandling this dude and taking his life over and over again and letting him go. Felicia, oh, she's the shit. Some girl, there's bodybuilder women, I watch a documentary, who get paid on the side. Sure it was a documentary. Paid on the side. They get paid on the side while bodybuilding to wrestle dudes and throw them around. And guys love it. Top dollar. Listen.

What's the real job? Is it really bodybuilding or is it wrestling dudes? It seems like you're bullshitting. You're saying you're doing it on the side and that's where you make all your money. Bodybuilding is the ad you put out. How much money do the women bodybuilders make compared to women who are willing to wrestle crazy old rich dudes? I bet there's a lot of money in old rich dudes that want to be humiliated. Who the fuck are these people? Where are they? What are these guys doing?

Oh, they're out there, man. I don't think I will. A lot of them are like CEOs. These guys that you tell you jokes in front of at these corporate events. Those guys are getting like tied down, pussy and asshole stuffed in their face. Yeah, they get their balls kicked. That's the new thing because porn has become so specific.

Because like everything's just uploaded for free so then it becomes like well I want to hire these porn stars to do this exact scene and a lot of it is like burn all my stamps I collected for 40 years. It's not But it's not just like with these old rich guys like some of them they make this deal with what they call a humiliatrix I had one of them on my show really a

Really? Yeah, and she will get a video of them sucking a cock. She'll make him suck a cock on video and then send it to her, and then she will tell him she's blackmailing him, but it's all under safe conditions, and she will get him, and he will send her $10,000, and she still holds onto the tape. Whoa. They have deals.

Terrifying. Like, she steals a certain amount of money from him. She can steal a certain amount of money from him, and, like, she humiliates him. Like, there's a thing that, like, these... This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. The world is a big place, and it's filled with all different kinds of people, so you're bound to find exactly who you need for your business. But where do you start looking? ZipRecruiter.

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rich really powerful guys that had these giant corporations some of them that's how they get the rocks off they get the rocks off by being humiliated but so they hire a professional

And the professional gets dirt on them, humiliates them, makes them do embarrassing things. That's a great gig for a lady. Yeah. Financial domination. Oh, Karen used to do this. It's a sexual fetish lifestyle activity. Karen used to do this. It was so funny. She would get a text. This guy was like, hey, what are you up to? And she was like, you suck. Send me some money. And she's like, look, I got 20 bucks. What? Yeah, before OnlyFans. She does it to me for free. Yeah.

It's a lifestyle activity which a submissive is required to give gifts or money to a dominant. Yeah, some dudes out there just like to be dominated. Play Pig. Cash Piggy, Fin Sub, Human ATM, Money Slave, or Pay Pig. Pay Pig's the worst, though. Cash Piggy's not bad, though. Cash Piggy. Cash Piggy's not good. Cash Piggy's not good. I'll be a little Cash Piggy, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds like what Jackie Gleason used to call his hoes. I could maybe get behind the domination, but as soon as they're like, now suck some guy's dick, I'm like, hey, lady, I'm not playing this game anymore. I think some of these guys want dirt on them.

You know, I think they're all involved in fucking corporate shenanigans and they're probably all criminals. Like, who knows? I don't. Yeah, I just can't. They like get their nuts kicked. I can't. Damn. Some dudes like get shit on. How do you find out? I don't get it. Is there an unlock moment where you're like, oh shit, that's what I meant. Like an accidental knee punch, you know, like, sorry, like, actually. I bet. Oh.

A lot of it has come out of the internet. I bet a lot of it is coming out of guys watching videos and it's like, that's what I want. That's what I'm into. And you start jacking off to it and next thing you know, they're hiring somebody. I don't like any pain. It's bothering me. How do you find the lady? How do you find the lady that's going to do a good job? You Google it.

I feel like a lady will... I feel like any lady will do it. She finds you. She finds you. True. Like a fucking shaman. True. Yeah, they find you in the forest. I dated a switch once. A hookah? What? Sub and dominant. Trans? And so, it'd be like, you choke her in bed. She'd be like, cool. And then we were at a bar and she's like, chokes me. How does that feel? And I was just like, you can't do anything to me. It's like...

This is so stupid. Sounds like you dated a fucking retarded psycho. She was like, like that? I'm like, it's fine. I can stop you at any point. This is dumb. Yeah. Well, some people just like playing games. That would bother them. She wanted you to go, oh my God, don't hurt me. What are you guys doing? I'm like, stop. If you guys at the bar and a lady grabbed my neck, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Of course. Get the fuck out of here. We're already fucking.

Was she hammered too? No, we were just our dragon. She was trying to show me her side of it. And I was like, this isn't my thing. It's like eating ass. Like, I'll eat an ass, but if some chick tries to eat my ass, I'm like, you shouldn't be doing that. No, I couldn't agree more. Completely agree. That's wrong for you. This is bad. When they put your legs up like a toddler. No, thank you. There's a fucking paper. Norman, tell us more. Tell us more. The old diaper change.

It's not pretty. I couldn't, yeah, if a lady pulled my legs off, I'd spaz. Oh, yeah, and you got those big white cheeks with that red hole. Fuck you, dude. You're the one who got your fucking little gay ass eaten. Don't fucking turn it on me. It felt great. I was ready to turn on you. It felt great, man. I was like, I jogged today. This is bad. Also, I want to be like, hey, just Google Ari Shafir's ass. You won't want to be part of this.

No need for these activities. No, no. You can't enjoy it. Some people just, they go too far. Like these humiliatrix people. Getting shit on. Yeah, regular sex is pretty good and then you come and you go, alright, I'm good. You went too far. Well, you gotta keep upping it, you know? It's like drugs. Yeah, you gotta keep going further and further. Yeah. Cut off my arm. I don't know. I don't know what he does. Who are these people? Who are these people? Have you ever met anybody that's into this?

You know him. Every once in a while you meet a guy who likes getting pegged. Yes. That's a tough one. I can name a few, but I won't. Fitzsimmons and I were on a road trip early. I thought you were going to say Fitzsimmons. No, no, no. We were on a road trip early in our career, back when we would do road trips to do open mics. So we were headed to Rhode Island to do an open mic with this dude who didn't make it. One of the guys, one of the lost soldiers of the open mic days. Didn't make it.

He was telling us about how his wife shoves a 10-inch dildo in his ass. Yo! And how much he likes it. 10-inch! How much he likes it. You've never had a vibrator in your ass? And everyone, it's like, like the record skips. Ah, DeRosa. Start with the pinky. I just remember us all being like, what did you just share? Yeah. Yeah. 10-inch. What did you just share? Do we need that? Can we go five? Why 10? Five's great. You're right. Yeah. You might have been exaggerating. Yeah.

But he was opening up the door to this conversation. Like, we're all going to go, yeah. Cool, man. No, thank you. I don't like a hard thing in my body that doesn't belong there. I just don't want things behind me. I don't like that idea. Also, you don't want to. Yeah. She's tweeting about me like, what a pussy. You don't want to love it either. You don't want it to be your greatest orgasm ever. True. With like a fucking vibrating. Might be, though. Probably. It probably is. That's what everybody says. It's probably like a guttural fucking. Wow.

That's what they all say. Benchy, just a whale. You hit a certain fucking level of harmonic frequency that's not possible without something in your ass. What have I done? And you just bust.

Yeah. It's like heroin. You're addicted immediately. That's the problem. If you could find out a spot in there that you could hit with a vibrator and you'd come that hard, you'd be like, well, let me try it once. If it was under your arm, we'd all try it. It's just hidden in the last place you'd look. The most shameful part of your body.

Bring it on. Yeah, the old butthole. No, thank you. So shameful. The finger is the gateway, so you gotta watch out with the finger. They start you. They start you with the finger. Jamie, pull up. That guy's getting fucked in the ass, please. The old magic thumb. When I was like,

21 years old. I did a road gig and I met this lady and we went back to her place and she told me, she goes, some gay guys used to live here before I did. I said, how do you know? She goes, because they left gay porn. I was like, what?

And so this is the first time I'd ever seen. I knew that people were gay. I knew they were gay, but I had no proof. I had no proof of this activity. And so she puts it on. First of all, I left her apartment immediately. You bought the house. I didn't even hang out with her. I'm like, I got to go. This is fucking creepy. You went through kicks? It was like I was watching someone get shot.

That guy can't take that back. That dick is in his mouth for the end of time. Well, that lemon party shot. You got to pull that one out. Oh, lemon party. How many times has that been sent? Someone goes, oh my God, can you believe what Trump did? You're like, what? You got to look. The black dude's the San Francisco. San Francisco Chronicle has not had a real article. It's San Francisco Chronicle. Oh, you're right.

Stop. What's going on there? What is that? That was DeVito, I think. What is that, Jamie? I typed in lemon party and that's what happened. Go back to it again? Yes! That's lemon party. It's such an innocuous title. My computer might be in trouble now. Oh, is your computer tainted? You got a virus, you son of a bitch. You got a gay virus. All your searches is going to gay viruses. They got AIDS. You got the Stavros virus.

Well, the fat black guy with the huge dick, he took over the lemon party. That was like the new generation. Yeah, that was it. Anytime there was a crazy news story. The flatback dick, you can send that to your mom. The lemon party's over the line. Wait a minute. Over the line. You can send that giant guy's dick. Well, your mom was in the Holocaust. It was just a... She's seen enough. She's seen a couple trains. Oh, Jesus.

Rogan used to have a good bit about Brokeback Mountain that there should be a warning. Meat Spin. Meat Spin's a classic, dude. Which one's that? It's a fun one. You've seen your friends do this. I don't know Meat Spin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Man, I'm in here. Condom.

Safe on that. Good golly. Not too much. Tub girl. Is that condom just for show? Sort of like when people post virtuous things on social media? That condom doesn't go all the way up. Yeah, that tip. It's just a rage. That condom's just for show. They're only doing this for show. Like, I am so safe. Even though I engage in these risky activities. You're not filming this. Like butt fucking in front of a camera. Yeah, butt fucking without a camera is weird.

How do you get that dick to maintain that circle? People do it. And do you pause and try to go the other way? Yeah, you gotta pause. Let's work the other muscles. Do it in Australia. It goes the other way automatically. Swing her back around. Now this, Spotify's okay with that. With what? The dick swinging?

We'll find out. All right. I mean, Jamie's good at it. Nothing's been on the screen yet for anybody else. Jamie knows how to handle things. Okay, great. Jamie knows how to handle things. Everybody that's listening to this knows exactly what it means to spend in Lemon Party. We've got to fool a couple people to be like, I'll look this up. What do they mean? Well, there's some Marine watching like, ah, come on.

Well, dude, I remember the early days of the internet when this stuff was new, when you would get stuff like this. Attachments. Well, yeah, but also certain websites. Do you remember Style Project? No. Just Meat? Style Project was this wild website that had all the most fucked up things on the internet. Oh, yeah. It was our spot we would all go to. Rotten.com, JustMeat.com. Do you remember Style Project? I don't remember Style Project. I don't remember that one. Gross.

It's still up? Yeah, I became friends with it. It's just a website. Or it's just a porn site now. Yeah, they sell it off. This is meat and potatoes. Too much pubic hair. Yikes, quite a bush on that. Some guys are into that.

So anyway, it used to be like all the most fucked up videos and photos on the internet. Anything fucked up that happened that you could find. Kurt Cobain's autopsy videos. That was a fun one. It was a guy and a girl walking. The girl stops. The guy keeps walking. Adjust. Boom. Yeah.

There's a lot of those. Can you do this when Neil deGrasse Tyson's on? Be like, oh, let's pull up those Cosmos and just boom. The San Francisco Chronicle Cosmos. If he wasn't on camera, he'd probably have a good sense of humor about it. True that. I was going to try another older one, but it's got the Texas. Oh, Texas. What's going on? Texas is fucking us, dude. No corn hub. I know. I tried last night. Places became famous, and then they- What's that? Let's go. X-Men.

X video. You got to search what's still allowed. Just get a fucking VPN, man. Get ExpressVPN. X video is good. X video works. They all work. You run into some... There's some rough ones on there, though. Oh, really? X video is a little more Wild West. I see. How so? Do tell. I don't know. I feel like... Yeah, it's kind of... It feels like you're on a...

rotten.com it feels like yeah Pornhub has it's like Reddit where it's like the best ones will get shown to you yes the algo knows ya yeah it's like pregnant 80 year old fucked now we're talking oh yeah right that's gross that's horrible you ever get afraid to click on a porn style because it might change your whole life

I won't touch anime. Like what? Anime porn? You think that would get you? I don't know. I don't want to risk it. AI porn is going to get you. You know why? Because AI porn is going to manufacture the absolute perfect female for you. AI porn got me, dude. I saw it on X-Men. Got you?

I cracked one to AI porn. I'm back. Well, it's good. It's so well done. Well, it's also zero karma porn. You have karma with porn? Come on. Those days are over. Well, no, they're doing a new thing where they're making random high schoolers into a porn to shame them. Send me the link. Oh, like with AI? Yeah. Public servants too? Here's where I don't have karma with porn.

45-year-old stepmoms that get stuck in dryers and the stepson fucks them. Yeah, shit rocks. That's corn. See, first of all, it's ridiculous that she's stuck in the dryer. Move your hands up. It doesn't make any sense. You can get out. Who gets laundry out that way by sticking your head in for it? Not only that, it doesn't make any sense. Like, how are you stuck? And then also, once you get out, you don't stop fucking. You start sucking dick and you get crazy. Yeah.

Those are fun. It's a fun time. It's just like when you have an 18-year-old girl who's going on an audition, and she's sitting on a leather couch, and this guy's talking to her. Those are like, geez. She swallows hard. She's like, geez.

I can do this. You gotta get to the mothership somehow. And you hear the guy talk to the kid. He's such a skis ball. You're such a good girl. What do you do? With AI, you're not gonna have any of that. With AI, no actual people. But you will still have people that get addicted to it. That's where things get weird because then you don't think of them as people. You just think, how do I get to the position where this girl's on the couch?

Maybe I need to start my own thing. Maybe I need to objectify. Yeah, it fucks you up. It fucks people up. You ever meet a hooker guy? The guy who gets a lot of hookers? And then them around a regular woman, I don't know how to relate to them. Really? Because everyone's for sale in that world. So then they're like, stare at your girlfriend up and down. It's like, dude, dude. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Yikes. Yeah, some people don't know how to turn it off.

What about those guys also like to get shit on? Those are the guys. Nice to meet you. Will you shit on me? That's a third date thing. I bet if you're online today on websites, you could probably find someone to shit on you pretty easily. Oh, yeah. 1970 was probably quite a task. Yeah, you'd get your ass beat. Good point. The cops are going to whoop your ass for that. Yeah, probably quite a task before you could find someone who will safely shit on you. The internet's a beautiful thing.

Put you in a fucking cell next to Jack Ruby. Well, what's it called? Two Girls, One Cup changed the game. Apparently that wasn't real shit, though. That was like ice cream. They stuffed up that girl's asshole. Yeah, that's why it looks weird.

That's why it looks weird when it comes out, but you know. Still. I gagged. Still. It's still something. How'd they get it up there, though? They like a fucking, like one of those things you use to like decorate a cake. Yeah. Or start a fire. Just squirt a little thing in there. We should try that. It's so cold, though. No, you just get some like warm. It's a warm up in there. It's so cold. Warm pudding. Work it around your hand for a little bit. Get it in there. Warm, foamy goodness. Ugh. Warm, whipped creamy. It's probably like whipped cream.

And then she just dumps out this chocolate whipped cream. And they start eating it. Anyone else hard? And then they start throwing up in each other's mouths. Those were so many. That was like the first reaction videos. Remember? Two Girls, One Cup. Two Girls, One Cup. That Jewish reporter getting beheaded slowly. And then the horse. Oh, yeah. The Jewish reporter. The reporter was from what year?

Go for like 2001 too. David. Epstein something or Einstein. I think his dad invented like, it was in one of those, Jesus Christ. Bro, that one was so crazy. Because the beheading didn't, it wasn't like you knew in the movies. It was, you just got through a quarter of my neck. I'm still screaming. Yeah, they're sawing. Daniel Pearl. Pearl. Ah, Pearly baby. What did his dad do? His dad did something. I saw it in the Adam Curtis. I know he cried a lot. Adam Curtis documentary they talked about it.

Yikes. Remember the first time you caught a bestiality video on accident? Oh, I found one of those when I was in high school. When I was in high school, one of our friends had Barnyard Betty. Do you remember Barnyard Betty? Yeah. It was a videotape. It was so grainy. We had like a copy of a copy of a copy of a VHS. And one of us had to like guard the door.

So we were downstairs in like the den where the television was, and one guy had to stand up and try to watch by the doorway in case someone came in. So you could stop them from getting through the door, and they could pop the tape out in time. Yeah. But it was this lady. She blew a German Shepherd. Hell yeah. And she let like – I think she let a donkey fuck her and a couple other animals. I remember that German Shepherd lady because she had nice tits.

Really? Pull her up. Yeah, his dad. She won a Nobel Prize in science. Doggy style. Yeah, she went crazy.

After she sucked a couple of dog dicks. What? Yeah, his dad won a Nobel Prize. Wow. That's wild. That was when I think a lot of people got freaked out about terrorism, seeing that. Like, oh my God. They will cut your head off on video just to freak everybody out. It's not just killing people. It's like a very specific thing they're doing. Probably a great dog, though. That's the most chill dog in the world. Just fucking some hot blonde.

Going back and forth. We got two combos going. Oh, sorry. I was still on the dog, the German Shepherd. No, I was on the guy getting his head cut off. I was like, wow, what cross wires are we on? It's funny if you change topics on Norman when he's in mid, like, I got tags, I got tags. Hold on. Oh, sorry. Boys, if a terrorist attack goes down, you know you're going to want to be here.

I'm going to your house. Yeah, I'm going to be in your house. We're not going to let you in, dude. If I get in before you, I'm not going to let you in. What? There's so much room and food. We need to get a ranch. We need to get a ranch before everything goes sideways. You'll need me to offer a sacrifice. Like, guys, guys, I got one for you. Leave us alone. We'll get you one. You need a ranch with a well and a bunch of animals. You need a bunch of chickens. You need food and you need water. Chickens will always give you food. Chickens are easy. You get one egg almost every day from a chicken.

Hey, that's pretty good. And if you have a dozen chickens, you have a dozen eggs a day. Or at least eight. Protein. At least eight or ten. So then you have, like, that's food. And then all the other food you get is a bonus, and you need water. And if things go sideways, that's real. You got a bunker? I have plans. I knew it. I knew it. I have some plans. I got a feeling you're not going to let me in. I will let you in 100%. You promise? Yeah, all you guys can come in. Whoa. Everybody can come in. Nice.

I just wonder if you're preparing too late. Like, if shit goes down tomorrow, it's too late. Well, yeah, but you're...

But what about those guys who built those bunkers in the 60s and then just like, ah, shit. You don't want a bunker. This is why. Because if it goes that bad, you don't want to be alive. You don't want to survive that. If a nuclear war happens, you don't want to be alive. They thought they'd wait it out five years. You're going to come out to hell. You're going to come out to hell, and the people that are going to be alive are going to be so dangerous. Yeah, you'll get out there and be like, hey, guys, I survived. Like, new slaves. They're going to eat you. They're going to rape you. They're going to eat you. They will 100% eat you. You ever see The Road?

Yes. The bleakest version of that. Brutal. But everybody knows that that's probably what would happen, at least in some parts of the world. That's why it's good there's a nuclear submarine off the coast of Miami. There's not just one. There's another boat, another Soviet boat that's out there, too. This is great. Yeah. Why don't we de-escalate?

It'd be nice. It'd be a real good idea. Did you see Biden signed some 10-year deal to keep supporting Ukraine for the next 10 years? I did see that. What are we doing? That's so crazy. That's a lot of money. But it's also, the whole thing is so crazy. All because his son worked there? There's probably a lot of factors. That's the thing, right? Yeah. But that guy's, he's in court now. But there's a lot of other factors with like all the different- He'll be all right. He'll be all right.

I see a pardon coming. Yeah, I see a pardon coming. We've got two politician guys in court. It's a wild time. There's just so many factors that are dangerous right now. Like Palestine, Ukraine. There's so many different places in the world where things could pop off and go real bad at any moment. And there's a steady clip of people dying. Oh, yeah. A steady clip of people dying in Ukraine. Steady clip. And at a certain point in time, if it gets to like – how many people has Ukraine lost? Let's guess. Yeah.

How many soldiers? No one will tell us. What is the estimate of losses in Ukraine? A lot of people went back. Athletes and stuff went back to fight. Really? A lot of them are dead. Klitschko is still alive. Klitschko is not fighting anymore. No, no, no. They're still alive. Is he still in the war still? We would definitely know if they were dead. Oh, yeah. He's not dead. And Lomachenko, he went and joined back in the army. That's pretty sick. Yeah, animals. Whoa.

I mean, that's literally defending the homeland. How many people have died in Ukraine right now? The thing is, like, this keeps escalating, and Russia keeps losing people. MSNBC will tell you a million Russians have died and 20 Ukrainians. Tucker will tell you 10 billion Ukrainians, five Russians. No one knows. Yeah. Well, be careful. Isn't it weird how the liberals are in support of this war?

It's all flipped. It's so weird. It's very strange. But it's a lesson that everybody needs to know. It's not about left or right. It's all bullshit. It's about people in control. And people in control, they use all kinds of different methods to stay in control. And supporting war is one of them. Supporting war. Uh-huh. They just try to do it from the left or they try to do it from the right. Right.

But it used to be it was the right-wingers that were the warmongers, the left-wing guys were the pussy mongers. Right? That's what it was like. Clinton was a pussy hound. Bush was a warmonger. And blue collar was left. Right. And now blue collar is all right. It's a wacky time. Right. Blue collar meant like working class, normal Americans. The South was Democrat forever. And also the conservatives were like, fuck Russia, we've got to fight against – but then it's like –

Fact check cannot verify these numbers, and Ukraine treats the number of military deaths as a state secret, so the total is not officially known. Okay, the deaths of nearly 25 Ukrainian soldiers since the invasion. Oh, this is in November of 2023. This is a while ago. Jesus. 25,000 Ukrainian soldiers since the invasion began by using open sources and put the total toll at more than 30,000. You got to get Zelensky on.

He's a star fucker. He would do it. Why would I do that? He's hanging out with Cate Blanchett. Do you think I really want to have a guy in the middle of that?

Like, dude, do you, I mean, no one even, where's the money going? Who's, who's, is any of it going sideways? Like, is there any, like, real accounting? For sure, some is going sideways. You're dealing with regular people passing it on. Aren't they using their farmland as loans? Aren't we just buying all their farm? Is that what it is? I think so. Jesus Christ. We'll see. Because they're wheat. Ah.

Yeah, the bread basket, baby. You were pretending that we knew agriculture. I don't know anything. I started talking. I read a headline. Good for you. What do you mean the farms? Like we get there. Ukraine. Ukraine is the bread basket of the world. What, like wheat? Yeah, they make a lot of wheat. We should stop eating that shit anyway. They had all that farmland and then they got starved by the Soviets. Take over Ukraine's agricultural land.

Yikes. A new report exposes the stealth takeover of agricultural land. This is from February 21, 2023. Me and the Oakland Institute are on the same page. Wow. It's always about something else. It's always about something else. There was that point when we pulled out of Syria and Trump was doing a press conference and he goes, I don't think he's supposed to worry. He goes, don't worry. We got the oil. We got the oil. Don't worry about that. He just said it out loud at a press conference. I was like, wait, I thought it was human rights.

And it was just like, no. It's always something. It's like when your girlfriend's mad at you. It's always something else. Yeah. That's War is a Racket. That's that Smedley Butler book.

1933, this dude retired. He was in the military his whole life and wrote this book called War is a Racket. It's all just about what he thought he was doing and what it actually wound up being. Ukraine is the breadbasket of Europe, producing one of the highest wheat yields in the world, but deep tillage and poor soil management has left its farmlands a heavily degraded state. But Monsanto will take care of that. Yeah.

Because of the poor state of Ukraine's agricultural land, a shift to regenerative agriculture has immense carbon sequestration potential. None of us know what that means. Yeah, I'm lost. Sequestering carbon in the soil means like instead of like- Sequestering, like horses. Leaving a lot of shit in the air, the soil actually retains it, and they get like zero carbon footprint farms in regenerative agriculture. It's like Polyface Farms does that, and-

What was the other one? White Oaks Pastures does that. There's a few of them. And what they do is they let – the problem is not farming. The problem is farming the way we do it where you have like one giant field of one crop and like all these animals in a pen and all these chickens in a box. Like that's not how nature wants you to do it. Yikes. And if you do it that way, you need a bunch of chemicals. And that's how we do it. Is that Black Rock? Black Rock is definitely buying that land.

Oh, really? In Ukraine, I would imagine. They're buying everything. Good name for crack. They're just trying to make money. Black rock. They're trying to make money. True. Any way they can. They got a bunch of billionaires invested in them, and they're like, come on. Let's see some returns, boys. Let's buy everyone's house. That's that game. They're playing that game. They're playing the let's see some returns game. Yeesh. Yeah, and meanwhile, it's two wars. People are dying. Two wars. And you're trying to protect parks, you fucking dumbass.

You should protect fucking Israel. You need to protect Israel. How many parks do you think we protected with this podcast? We did the one in Austin. They tried. They fought back. They saved it. Do you think we had anything to do with that? No. No. Good point. Yeah, I think anyone protecting a park would actually hate the fuck out of us.

If you're out protecting a park, yeah. Those fucking racists. I did get some of the other day. They were like, hey, man, I used to play tenants under the Williamsburg Bridge all the time. I appreciate what you tried to do. Whoa. Really? That's cool. Where'd you kiss him? At a simp convention. I had him send money. He had me send him money. Some gay guy kissing under a bridge. Remember when there was a park here? Yeah.

Whatever who who bought it like how did they sell it? How'd they steal the park? They said they have to Actually make change it up and said I have an homeless guy There wasn't there of course yeah, it's the one park in America without it was by the river. It was like a different thing Yeah, and so they're just like fixing it with public funds And then they'll sell it off when they don't when the public funds run out then though then they'll build the high rises of the prisoners Parker brothers Yeah, so it's just like a slow theft and

Yeah, it was like 3,000 trees they cut down. Oh. Yeah, it's not a little park. It's massive. It's massive. It was the best place to record. That fucking. That amphitheater. Remember that amphitheater you ever performed in? How is that okay? Who signed off on that? That big outside amphitheater. Yeah. Yeah, that's gone now. Is that gone? Yep. Good. I hated that. I bombed there. Fuck that place. Good. Fuck that. Who signed off on that? Like how? De Blasio and Carlina Rivera. I feel like you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No, I do.

Fuck parks. On this one. You know names and shit. He knows how to protect the park, I'll tell you that. I don't know if he does. I just wore a shirt. That's all I was trying to say. Protect the parks, man. That's all you need. You hurt the movement. You did. You're the worst guy to be the fucking spokesman. I really am. I know nothing about anything. I just read one headline. I'm like, no, guys, it's important. You gotta recycle. Well, if it wasn't for Teddy Roosevelt making national parks...

Like, who knows what they would have done with, like, Yosemite and Yellowstone and all these places. Oh, torn it up for sure. Yeah, they would have turned all those fucking beautiful places into condos. Bass Pro Shop would have gone half-done. Fucking Chick-fil-A. Central Park would not exist. Yeah, oh, it would have been gone. A long time. It's amazing they killed that park, though.

It's amazing that people let them kill your park. They say they got to redo it in case there's flooding. I think, didn't they have to redo it? In case there's flooding? It's killed 3,000 fucking trees. Didn't they have to kill a black neighborhood to make a park? We need to protect neighborhoods. Well, that's not so bad. Why did they do that? No, this was across the park. Oh, really? Oh, they did. Yeah, that's right. They took over a whole neighborhood. I think they had to tear down some black and immigrant neighborhoods to make Central Park. To make all of Central Park? Probably the upper half.

I thought it was already... Actually, probably the lower half. It was small back then. Oh, it was in Hooverville? Get rid of those motherfuckers. Hooverville. Get rid of those motherfuckers. Shantytowns. Built during the Great Depression by homelessness. Yeah, just homeless vets. Wow. Clear them out. And so they cleared those folks out. It was already pretty parking. No, it was before that. There was a...

Wow. Whoa, look at that. Central Park is amazing. It's huge. Every time I'm in New York and I get a hotel that overlooks it, I'm like, God damn. I walk around there. It's incredible. It's all we got for trees. How sketchy is it, though? No, it's not. It's not bad. That shit all changed. When did it change? In the 90s or something. When I moved to New York, I was worried about it, and Neil Brennan was like, I don't know if they have bars on my windows. He goes, bro, look at the stats. You're talking about an old New York. But I'm talking about now with the immigrant crisis.

In Central Park? I feel like you don't see it in New York, the immigrant thing. Oh, they're out there. They're my neighbor, but they finally did it. Yeah, I know that live there. Tell me that you see a big difference. They're usually dressed like fucking Elmo.

No, that's true. What do you mean Elmo? They're in fucking Times Square dressed like a fucking Sesame character. Oh, trying to make money. Every now and then you catch that helmet coming off and you're like, hey, that's fucking Carlos. Holy shit. I saw a picture at Disneyland where someone caught Minnie Mouse taking a cigarette break and it's this Mexican dude with a mustache. Oh, boy. Kids are screaming. He's got a mustache. He's fucking taking a cigarette break. The kid's like, what the fuck? Minnie's a dude.

That's a good way to cross the border. Nobody's going to stop Pokemon. They're like, no! Pikachu. A lot of them are Uber Eats drivers. That's like a big one. That's a big one. You can be an Uber Eats driver and you don't have to have any kind of license? No, nothing. You drive a Vespa on a fucking sidewalk, an electric one that's silent. That's right. They sneak up on you when you're driving a bike and you're like, I think I'm all clear. And then they're just on you. I thought of a video for the group, dude. You guys are going to like it.

Yeah, it's wild out there. Those poor guys, though, those poor Mexican guys are on a bike in the winter. Oh, yeah. And everybody's at home, you know, in the snowstorm. Anytime it rains, they're like, Mexicans, come bring me my food. I don't want to go out in those. I don't want to go two doors down. Bring me that chicken parm. Well, for them, it's either that or be under the grip of the cartel. Hey, what about that president, the lady? Yeah, crazy. What? She killed like 20 people or 20 people died to get to her. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I only read half an article. 37 people were assassinated during the general elections all throughout Mexico. See? We're not so bad. Yeah. So it's all sorts of different roles. City councilor, mayor, this, that. So during the elections, 37 people got assassinated. Assassinated. Wow. Not like suicides. Shot. Our president just died naturally. Biden's on the way out. In office. He'll kick it. He's running again. What's the last time we had a president die in office?

Not of assassination. Oh. That's a good question. I don't think it's ever happened. The guy with the pneumonia. Oh, that got everybody. It wasn't Harrison. Grover Cleveland? No. Taft was fat. Taft was a big dog. It was a... Big dog. There's something about Taft that's fat. Taft was fat. Yeah.

Taffy Taffy. Now he looks like a normal guy. What do you think the odds are of Biden making it to November? Just chubby. Yeah. What do you think the odds are of Biden still being on the ticket in November? He's not coming off the ticket, is he? They're going to slide someone in. They should have done that already. I feel like. They would have done that by now. I don't know if they can keep this up.

This has been some latest ones. Some latest gaffes. What are you doing over there, buddy? I'm just trying to find this bull hitting this lady that you're going to like. General Gaffes. Oh, I said it to you guys. The one that got loose? Yeah. All right. Sorry. I'll stop doing it. And it's like, I'm proud to be an American. Oh, well, Frank DeLuca, we knew was going to go. The song's playing. Well, I'm proud to be an American.

Well at least I know I'm free. And the bull jumps over the fucking gates. Send it to the group chat. Send it to the group. And starts smashing people. They picked up that lady and just kept bobbing her. Just crushed a lady that was just standing there. And I proudly stand up. She's like, I got my nachos. She's wearing a red shirt. I thought I was fine. I completely forgot what I was Googling. What was I Googling? Uh-oh. Dementia. Who was the president that died of pneumonia given his inauguration speech?

Reagan. Harding. Harrison. I don't know why I'm saying Harrison. Harrison was 1841, 68. Just his natural causes. 1923 and 45. Did he die in office?

Harrison, Taylor, Harding, and Roosevelt all died in office, not assassinated. I think Harrison was the one who gave a speech. He was like, I'm going to show everyone. It was like 30 degrees and raining, and he fucking died. Whoa. It was like a two-hour inaugural speech. Whoa. They had long speeches with those presidents. Maybe he wanted to die. If he lived in 1841 and there was no medicine, he might want to die too. Those guys would always give like three-hour speeches.

And get shot. Not Joey. Didn't Lincoln give, like, when they were doing debates, he did, like, six-hour debates publicly? Yeah, Lincoln does those debates. He's like Chappelle. They're really trying to hash it out.

One month in office cut a cold developed in pneumonia April 4th 1841 he died Those were the days they've had emergency with him died the wig program. What's the wig program? Yeah, what's that the Wiggs was Democrats Republicans and wigs wigger wigs? Well, hey the Wiggs were they the know-nothing party also? Okay, we fired up that bull hitting that fucking lady. Oh

Did you see that Karen going after that black dude in the ghetto? The who? What happened? Some black dude, like ghetto-ish black dude who's like burgering up or whatever on his front lawn and some Karen's like, you know, you know, I'm gay in this neighborhood. And he goes, get that fucking camera off my face. And she goes, it's my constitutional right to film. And he just goes and puts it on.

Holy shit there it is so this is the bull out She's got her on the hook oh my god, she's doomed you can see the thong The rodeo bull escaped the ring during the sisters rodeo, but if you see the escape this is exciting She's just talking to her friend Red Bull. Yeah, she first got out good. Yeah, see get it when it first got out and

That poor lady is sad. But what makes me laugh is when I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free. And the bull's like, I'm fucking free! Wait, that was just actually playing? That wasn't dubbed in? No, actually playing. Oh, wow. Oh, Oregon.

I don't want to hear these people yapping. There's a video where it just shows the bull doing it. It's harder to find the actual video you want once, like, I'm just Googling, you know, bull escape. I can see that too. All the clips and everything. The bull escaping has a shocking video. There it is, right here. Give me some volume. He's got a plan. Start it from the beginning so you can hear the... Oh! Oh!

Oh shit! Wait, wait, there's a great what the fuck. Listen for the what the fuck. Oh shit. Oh, she's wearing a red shirt, you're right.

Oh that was it! I didn't know it was crushing other dudes. Oh yeah, he ran around for a while. Oh my god. What the fuck? What the fuck? Damn. God damn. She's like, oh no line at concessions. It's just hilarious that that's the song that's playing.

Yeah. I'm proud to be in America where at least I know I'm free. Fucking leveled by the Bulls. The Bulls got excited like it was the Rocky theme. I'm fucking going for it. He got out. He was like, where's that bitch at? His name was Party Bus. Party Bus. The Bulls called Party Bus. Oh my God. That was in Oregon. You know, Oregon is all like a red state and then Portland. Yeah, yeah. And Eugene. Yeah.

Capital lesbians. The rest of it's like rural hunters and shit. That's most of America. Washington. Colorado's like that, too. Louisiana. Colorado's like that, but these places, the cities get so populated that they just overwhelm voting. In Colorado, they just reintroduce wolves, and the ranchers are like, what are you doing? Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean reintroduce wolves? They reintroduce wolves. They released wolves in Colorado for the first time. What?

Wolves used to live all over the place. We killed them because they're a real problem. Yeah, we used to be all over the place too. We killed those. Get out of here. Yeah, but the wolves are a real problem. They kill kids. They kill people. They kill dogs. They kill all your livestock. If you don't control the population of them, they're fucking dangerous. The Soviet Union and Germany had a ceasefire in World War I to kill wolves.

Because they were in the middle of killing each other and it was their wolves were killing so many people they decided to have a fucking ceasefire and then they killed wolves together and then they went back to killing each other. Damn. It's like Walking Dead. Yeah. Or Palestine. That's how scary wolves are and these fucking jackasses just released them into Colorado because

Because they're amazing. Because if you live in some beautiful neighborhood with cement streets, you don't have to think about that. There should be wolves. There should be wolves. Wolves are incredible. But you don't even know what a wolf is. That's Little Red Riding Hood. That shit's real. There's a reason why that was in every little kid's book. Because they ate people. They ate people.

Wolves ate people, they ate dogs. So it's an allegory to say stay away from them? Yeah, they're fucking dangerous. Wolves are fucking dangerous, man. Gators aren't going anywhere. I had a friend that got surrounded by wolves.

He killed an elk and the elk where they were the elk died was like right next to the wolves den And so they went to retrieve the elk and the wolves started circling them He told my friend John Dudley He killed two of them with a bow and arrow and his friend killed one of them with a rifle the wolves kept rushing them Dudley more just imagine

So what'd he do? He killed him. He killed two of them. And his friend killed one. And then they fucking ran off. Because wolves, luckily, don't have an understanding of how many rounds someone has in a rifle. Because they were out of bullets. And he had like one arrow left. And there was like ten wolves. And they killed three of them. Damn. That's a bad way to go. Bro. Fucking dog. It got real close.

Like they were running at them and they were shooting them. Problem of the wolf is you got one in your sights and there's another one behind you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're clever. Well, what they did was they stood their back to a tree. Ah.

Ahhhh. Yeah, and so they're like literally standing with the old tree back. We gotta get rid of these trees. Bark! Bark Norman. That's the real reason for the park being down. They're gonna reintroduce wolves in New York City. Oh, they're not gonna lay hide in this river park. Can you imagine that? Running all through the West Village? You can't climb trees.

That's actually a good battle. All the bums versus the fucking... Listen, if the immigrant population gets too dense, that's a movie. That's pretty much a coliseum, right? They would take kind of the bums. That's right. Find them against the lion. It's always the same result. That's it. They brought in coyotes a long time ago. Coyotes are in New York City. But they're a problem, too. Yeah.

They're a real problem. They'll eat your cat. They'll eat your kid. There's a guy in Woodland Hills. There's a video of his kid getting stolen by a coyote. That's good to know. Yeah. Good way to get rid of him. A little baby. Like a toddler. He did go eat his baby. Yeah, well, there's no abortion here. He grabbed it and started running with it, and he chased after the coyote. The coyote drops the kid. I'm like, fuck. Oh, he saved it. Yeah, he saved his kid. Ah, bummer. Jeez, Norman. Wow. Mark, that type of thing's not funny at all.

He's just trying too hard to be shocking. Is that a video of an alligator killing an old lady? What? She's walking her dog right by the... You see him like... It's like a log coming fast. And then some lady calls like, they got her. They got the lady. He's like...

I don't know. She's gone. That's horrible. That's horrible. When I was a kid, I lived in Gainesville, Florida, and there's alligators all over the place. And a lady's dog got snatched up while I was there. This lady was walking her dog by the water. And the dog's like sniffing around, and this alligator just jumped out of the water and grabbed the fucking- Also, dogs will go- They'll see the alligator, they'll go right up to it and bark at it. Right. And you're like, no, this doesn't work on lizards. She had this little white poodle-looking dog. The alligator just snatched it right in front of everybody. Damn.

Damn. You know, you can only kill them by shooting them right in the top of the head. It's the only way to kill a gator. You can stab it, kick it, shoot it, tase it, nothing. Won't do it. Wow. Got to hit it right in the noggin. You ever watch Swamp People? Yeah, they pull it up on the boat and just execute it. That's not totally true. People bow hunt alligators, and you shoot them through the ribs. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, that can't be the only way to kill it. Well, that's all these guys know. You can fucking cut it in half. There's a couple different ways to kill them. Well, you know what?

I mean, if you're out there. They're so tough. They're so tough. You're blowing up. That's true. They were around before the dinosaurs. While the dinosaurs existed, alligators in some form, at least crocodiles in some form, were alive. They say they never die. Like, if you just let it live, it'll just keep going. Yeah. Yeah, they just keep getting bigger. Wow. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? It's like Trump. Yeah.

Can't stop. He's getting bigger. We're trying to arrest him. He got bigger. He got bigger. He got on keto, started doing tests, doing some growth hormone, taking a lot of creatine, doing body weight squats and fucking deadlifts. He would die. See Trump start swinging kettlebells. If he changes all the eats, if he gets off fucking McDonald's and Diet Coke, he's dead. Probably. He's already lived to 78. Yeah. Amazing.

God, everybody's so fucking old. Everybody's so fucking old. We looked at the other day the founding fathers, how old they were. Yeah, they're 28. 18. One of them was 18. Shut up. One of the founding fathers was 18. That's why they were like, Ben Franklin was 80. He was 40. Really? They're all white wigs. They're all white wigs.

Yeah, they weren't that old, man. It's crazy. And the people that we have running this country are old as shit. Why are we? What are we doing? What are we doing? Nobody wants to do it. You don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. No young people want to do that job. Unrelated. They have no understanding of what it's like to be living. But give RFK a shot. He's ripped. I like RFK a lot. I like RFK a lot. And then I was taking a shit this morning. I was looking at my phone, and it was RFK talking to two birds on his porch. Oh, no. Yeah, he's got a raven. God damn.

He's got a pet raven. Don't film this, dude. Come on, I like that. He's a falconer, too. Look, I get it. I like it. I like it. Made me like him more. I like those birds. I think they're cool birds. Come on, bro. But what's he saying? Like vaccine shit to the birds? No. Don't give a shot. He feeds the birds and they become his friend. Oh, all right. He's being friends with birds on camera. Don't do that. That makes me nervous. I like him. I think he's clearly the most sane person.

But he talked about... Talking to birds on the porch was... Is there a possible way that he could win? No. No way. Not this time. No chance. Yeah, not this time. He could start over again for the next one, right? Yeah, but as an independent, can anybody really win? No. Not the system we have. It just won't allow it. And not a Kennedy. He's going to get clipped. Runs with the family. Right. But is it just that...

But they won't allow it or that no one has ever really hit the kind of popular like it's like you don't even know is it Let's imagine you could win. He could win right he's already big, but it's like member UHF none of those UHF shows could be as big as Interesting to - - - 11 good enough damn you went old school you forgot what that meant Yeah, he's too young there was like a secondary channel system. Yeah

Yeah, where like Benny Hill was on. That's the only thing I know. Remember that? Remember Benny Hill? Yeah, Doctor Who was on there. Yeah, Doctor Who! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Star Trek Next Generation was on there. Your old QTV. Oh, man. That was the old days. UHF. But those could never, even if they were the most popular shows, people just didn't go to it. Remember Dark Shadows with Barnabas Collins?

No. No. It was a vampire show that was on UHF. Whoa. Is that public access? Is that different? No, it's not. It's just like not ABC, NBC, or CBS, but it wasn't cable either. It's kind of like AM. Yeah, it's like AM radio. It was like shitty local channels, like local Boston channels, UHF.

Used to have ultra-high frequency radio for over-the-air transmissions and television signals. No, the antennas were for everything. Bro, you used to have fucking, you'd put tinfoil on your thing to make the signal come in better. People had all these wacky fucking antennas. Some dudes had them on their roof. Like someone's got to hold it because if you're not touching it, we can't see the game. Yeah. No, you have to touch the fucking TV. You have to hold the thing in place. And some guys would get these bomb-ass antennas. You'd go by Mike's house like, look at Mike's antenna.

Oh my god, his TV must be crystal clear. He gets shows from Myanmar. Bro, I remember the first time I ever saw a satellite dish. It was bigger than his fucking table. Some dude had a satellite dish in his backyard. I go, what are you doing with this? He goes, I get TV from Japan.

I was like, what? How are you getting tea from Japan? Do you ever watch it, Rick and Morty? This was a long time ago, man. This was in the 90s. This guy had a giant-ass dish in his backyard. He was getting international television shows. But he's not watching any of those shows. He's still watching just fucking... I don't know what he was watching. I just know this dude invested in a fucking dish that took up like...

Got a piss. One-eighth of his backyard. Damn. I do. The dishes are all over. You go to the roof in New York, there's like seven dishes up there. But aren't those usually small, like the DirecTV dishes? Now they're smaller. The funny thing is, you see them in third world countries, you see just a concrete shack, but they got their dish. You know what? Elon just announced those Starlink setups that you could take in a backpack. It's like the size of a laptop.

So anywhere you go in the world, you could take one of these Starlinks, set it up, and you will have wireless internet where you could stream 4K movies. Whoa. Yep. High speed, wireless internet, the size of a backpack. Damn. He fucked that tribe in Africa. He fucked a tribe? Fucked it up. The whole tribe? He wants kids. I know that. He likes kids, but- No, no, no. He wants to have kids.

Elon? Yeah, he's got a bunch, but I'm not saying you can't say he likes kids. In this day and age? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to be clear. He went to Africa and gave them the internet and they fucked him up. Oh, it wasn't Africa. It was the Amazon. Yeah. Uncontactables. Yeah, they started whacking off. Yeah. It's going to happen. They're not equipped for it. We're not equipped for it. They're definitely not equipped for it. What's crazy is this tribe does not even allow public displays of affection like kissing.

What? And then all of a sudden, WhatsApp messages, they were sending porn to each other. And so the tribe leader was like, what the fuck is this? Because they were all just sitting around scrolling on their phones. Yeah, I mean, how could you not? If you just discovered porn, there was no porn, and that's all there is porn, you'd be like, gonna happen. It's gonna happen. You give someone a phone, give them a connection, let them know porn's real. I mean, when the iPhone came out, it was...

Right. Can you get porn on that? Right to porn. I can get it on the internet. Can you get porn on that? It was the first question anyone asked. That's what we do. That's back when it was like you could go Wi-Fi and cellular. Cellular wasn't good enough. Right. Yeah. You couldn't even really watch YouTube back then. It was just too sketchy. There was no apps. Yeah. For that stuff. But it was like I could go on...

You know, bangbus.com or something like that. I love that. And slowly get one. Party bus. Well, you know, those cave drawings have dicks. Like, they're doing porn then. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's a bunch of old porn that exists. Yes. Like, in, like, ancient Egyptian porn. Like, hieroglyphic-looking porn. Like, they're watching it to get off. Yeah, like, people boning people. Ancient Greek porn. Oh, yeah. Like, dudes with big hard dicks banging girls doggy style. Yeah. But was it, like-

Let me show you what people are doing was it for like eroticism. I think it's for eroticism Yeah, I think who was it like pottery Jamie who was bringing that up. It wasn't primer or rescue Do you remember what was was bringing up like all the Egyptian? Oh, it's a double wasn't it Flint Dibble He's an archaeologist Turn erotic papyrus oldest known depiction of human sexuality. There's not really like porn is that people boning in that picture I

Oh, look at the... That's what it looked like? Animals boning? They all have dongs. Oh. There you go. I mean, look, if you only lived to be 20 years old back then, that's probably all people thought about. Like, get your nuts off before you get your head chopped off. I gotta fuck. I gotta fuck. Before you get fucking slaughtered by the neighboring tribe. Oh, what a hellscape life must have been like back then. I know, but they were probably happier than us. No. That's nonsense. Ah.

I don't know. Not us. We're all banged up. Yeah, but who fucking has more fun than us us? Well, that's different. We're living a life. But we're alive in the same time. What we're doing is possible for other folks in other jobs, in other ways of life. But the whole thing is finding great groups of people having a good old time. Chuck went this way.

way. Yeah! That a baby. We can bring back America. We're trying. It's not looking good. We can bring back the song. We got the song. Oh,

Oh, Ari, if you're listening. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. I think it's time to get a little rad. I think we need to get, I need that bong, please. Oh, no. Oh, we got two. We got double. We got double eagle bongs. That's a bad idea. What is this? The beginning of the career. Look at that. Look at that hard on. That's a ridiculous dick. Really? I've seen yours. You're all right. Thank you. But that seems like you would hurt somebody. Yeah, nice penis. You got a hammer.

Thank you very much. Very nice. We get that cold ones, dude. Joe's. I saw that. My dick evaporates. Of course. That thing is still. Good for you, Joe. Thank you. It says on it on the side, which I thought was weird. It's going to be a chilly beer. Contractual obligation. What? Have a giant. No, on it on the side of my cock. It's part of the deal to rep the kettlebells. America. Wait. It's on. Oh, shit. I'm done.

Here we go. One more time. We're still number one, dude. We are number one. We're number one even if we lose. True. Fuck yeah! It's awfully cold. Oh my god. Woo! Woo! Woo!

That's fun. That's fun. Hell yeah. And we're back. I'm tired of people saying America sucks, dude. You know what's going on there? We're just being gay lately, but that's alright. This is what it is. This is a declining empire. No, it's not, dude. Stop. We could come back. We're gonna dip a little. We're gonna come back. I disagree. I see videos all the time of people using this fucking eagle at their barbecues. Oh, we put that eagle on the map. They still know America rules. Oh, America rules. Also, go to another country. No, no, no, no, no, no. We rule. We're the best. But the world's fucked.

The civilization's fucked. I don't know. We're getting a little weird and queefy with China's buying all our farms and our real estate. Very dangerous. Very dangerous. Digital control, all of it. Very dangerous. We're going to get to a point in our lifetimes where we're going to make a choice between AI or no freedom.

What do you mean? AI or no freedom? What do you mean? AI is going to govern things or you're going to have human beings governing things and the tightness and the grasp that they're going to have on your ability to do anything is going to be so great that all freedoms will be gone. Innovation will be stifled. Giant corporations will control everything and they'll act like totalitarian governments. They're

They're already trying to do that. They're trying to silence people on social media and do all kinds of things to obscure facts and put out bullshit narratives. They're doing that right now, and they have the power to do that. And if they get bigger, they're going to do it more.

America! Fuck yeah! Throughout history, everybody's always thought this. No matter what, they've been like, this is it, this is the end, we're done. That was in the 50s. They were living life. They just got done winning. They won the entire world. But they had a nice, chill moment. It was like that two years after gay marriage was legal, and the gays were like, alright, we'll calm down now. We saw an Assyrian tablet. There was an Assyrian tablet from like

2900 BC. And it was talking about how the end of the world is close. And everything's falling apart. Back then, those guys' shit was falling apart. Yeah. Dude, if you look at

Think of any time throughout history, it sucked. It's actually, look around, everything sucks, it's all going to shit, and you look around, it all looks pretty good. We went to Mothership last night, we had a great show, had a couple of cocktails, had a lot of laughs, we did Bottom of the Barrel for a half an hour, shaded out. You guys were on for a while. We had fun!

We had so much fun. But also, you know what's funny is they definitely did this exact same thing back then. He's got three drinks down. You got three? Watch out. A liquor here. That's bad. I see it. One shot. That's Ron White tequila. I know. I'm trying to support. He says there's no hangover. Number one. I'll believe it when I see it. No, that's not true. He's lying to you. I agree. There's no hangover in this tequila at all. That's not true. It doesn't even drink.

Ron doesn't drink it. Oh, it's a miracle? It's an elixir? Yeah, exactly. Major elixir of life. So Joe said, he said it heart to heart with Ron White, said you got to switch to silver tequila, it'll change your life. And he goes, it did change my life. And I'm like, DeRosa, you're an alcoholic. And that changed your life. DeRosa fucking, don't you dare. Switching to silver tequila changed your life. I'm an alcoholic.

And Ron Weiss is sober. Such disdain in your voice. Yeah, DeRosa rules, dude. Don't you dare get in his head that he's an alcoholic because he will stop drinking. I take it back. I take it back. I didn't mean that at all. You're the best drunk. He's Austin's newest resident. We must defend him. Hey, you got another one. We got another one. DeRosa's another man. I love DeRosa. One of the firemen out there, whatever you, one of those guys, my shades.

Security guards. You thought those were fire guards? Security guards. You can go grab them. Go run out there. I don't want to lose anything. I bet you have to pee. I got nothing. No, you had three shots. You want Ari's? You want to wear Ari's? Thanks, yeah. Do you feel more comfortable this way? I just, yeah, you're a little hidden. It's nice. I did a whole podcast with them with Dylan. Yeah, it's good. Big crazy square sunglasses that the ladies wear. Yeah, it's nice. If you wear those, you hide. You talk some shit.

It's fun to stare at chicks in New York with them on. Oh, you're such a creeper the way you said it. God, dude. Jeez, with that goatee. She's coming out of a tunnel. Coming out of a tunnel, staring. I'll stare up your skirt, then right back down the tunnel. Remember when you had a Hitler mustache? Yeah, I had to. I wanted you to do that today. You said no. It's actually a bad idea. And then I said yes. We should have a... Oh, we do have a trimmer. Michael Jordan does it. No, we do have a trimmer. We should have a Hitler mustache. He could do it. Michael Jordan could. No, he could do it. I had one once on a podcast. Legion of Skins had to wear a Hitler mustache of all their pubes.

Dave Lewis and Big Jack. That's not very nice. That's not very fun. I agree it was not very fun. Was that because you finally spun the wheel? I spun the wheel. It was eat a goldfish. Do you think there's ever going to be a time where the Hitler mustache can come back? No. Same with Adolf. Adolf's fucked too. Adolf's fucked. Adolf is out. Adolfus. Adolfus Bush. Hey, look at that. Here we go. It smells so bad.

You can smell the difference in their pubes, too. Who had the best smell on pubes? Uh, Dave. Ew, you like Dave's pubes. I don't like them. It's just didn't smell as bad as Louis's. I heard you liked them. You said they smelled good. Got his ass. Got his ass. I heard you said they smelled like fresh basil. I lost the bet. Oh, bro. Oh, wow. Yeah, you look like it. Oh, boy. I couldn't breathe.

Yeah, but in all fairness, you did take a shit in a Tupperware and fucking open it up on stage in front of them. Shitler. That's right. Shitler. I got a good one. My friends called their mom Shitler. There was three brothers and they would chant. They'd go, Mother Shitler. Oh my God. And she'd be like, fuck you, stop it.

And then one day they spray-painted Schittler on the side of her work van. Really? That's a bit much. It was pretty funny, though. Those guys go hard. Those guys are animals. Those are good times. Those are the guys I'd go to if a crime was committed. Those are the first guys I'd question. Complete animals. And by the way, those guys, that goes in the hate crime stats, even though it's just, no, fuck my mom. Schittler? Anything like that. Well, now, but we were out and then we would drive the van. We were kids.

And when they would go to work, we would take the van. We were children driving this van around. And then we would take it off. We would take it into like a field and just drive it around. Then one time I wasn't in it and I watched them hit like a hill and the entire bottom of the shitler van fell out. I was like, holy.

Run! Run! We put it in neutral and pushed it back into the driveway. And then nothing happened. And then Mother Schittler came home. Oh, no. She started the car. I was like, what the fuck's going on? Oh, my God. Well, kids were feral back then. You just did crazy shit. I remember one time I got blackout drunk. I was out with my friends all night. They brought me back home. They put me on the porch, and they shot me with paintballs. And they shot my whole front.

My dad came out in a robe and he had a nom flashback and he flipped out. Remember donuts? You guys do donuts as soon as it snows. Just go to the local high school. Go to parking lots, do donuts. Park lots or a football field and then just wait for the cops to show up. Remember how much snow ruled before fucking gay ass global warming? We used to have snow. Real snow day. Snow rules. Are you guys not getting much snow at all in New York anymore?

No, the whole last year we got almost none. Really? Last year there was a little. I think the year before there was zero. No snow? Bro, it's real. Or like a quick dusting, but no shutting down everything today. I drove by Lake Travis out here. It's the big lake. It's like 40% capacity. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. Oh, it's gone. 60% of it's missing. Oh, that's a bummer. Bro, it's nuts. I know it's fun to be based and red-pilled on these podcasts, but

Global warming might be real. It didn't snow for fucking five years. Here's the thing. It is definitely a real thing. Secretly? Beast. Wow, you went with no music. You guys are having a good conversation.

It's it's definitely real the question is like how much of it is because of us and how much of this green Deal stuff is just bullshit where people are trying to make money and control people well That's all things are happening simultaneously. So what can we choose? Yeah, there is some sort of a change in the climate But then also when you look at the level of carbon in the atmosphere It's it's like

The amount of it is not that much. I don't think it's the major issue. What is the issue? The world gets hotter.

There's never a static temperature for Earth from 65 million years ago to today. When they do core samples, it does this all throughout history. The question is how much of an impact do we have on it? We know we're having some impact. That's what they know. These are snowfall totals for Central Park over the last, I mean, it goes back a while, but these are just the last 25 years. 2.3 and 7.5. Those are the lowest two.

It's just the last two years at the bottom, but it's been low before. Yeah, 2.5 in 2019, 2006. Yeah, it's low there. 4.8 just a couple years ago. 2.6 in 2006. Oh, that's just January. You're looking at December. 0.2 in 2011. No, no, you're looking at just a month. The totals are on the right side. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. 2.3. It's been low. It's been high. It's been low. It's been up and down. It's nice. No black ice is nice. But here's the thing. If you make some crazy decisions that are going to destroy the economy, you make some wild decisions that are going to destroy the economy and enrich giant corporations-

but nothing changes because it just keeps going up and down. You got to be fucking careful. These eggheads are not careful. China and India are not going to chill. They're going full bore. It's mostly them. And their economy is going to grow because of it. China went crazy though on environment.

What are you talking about? They just built 200 new coal-powered plants. Whoa. I thought they were cleaning up all their pollution. No, they're talking shit. They have concentration camps. They're making new coal plants. Well, because their air is so bad, they're like, we got to do something here. They figured out some ways to mitigate that, and they're also developing gigantic filters that are like the size of an apartment building.

Yeah, I read the China coal plant thing one time. It said they're making a bunch, but they're all smaller. Yeah, whatever. Come on. Little tiny one, my friend. More efficient is all I mean. Smaller, but more efficient. But it doesn't matter. They're still making coal plants.

Coal plants, no matter what the fuck you do, you're burning coal, you're releasing particulates. And that shit gets over cars. Where was it, in Indiana? Is that where it was? We saw that documentary on this one area that has three coal plants within a 30-mile radius, and these people's cars have a thin, black

sooty layer on them. So you're breathing that in. You go jogging outside, you're just taking in particulates. I mean, my family's from like the coal region in Pennsylvania. It's rough, dude. Centralia? Bro. You ever hear about that place? Never heard of it. It's still on fire. A coal mine caught on fire. We

We've had the videos on the show multiple times. It's been on fire since the 50s or something. What? I went up there. It's fun to go up there. It's just an abandoned area. It's like Silent Hill. It's fucking kind of scary. The coal caught fire underground. I'm not scared, though. And there's so much coal that the coal stayed on fire forever. I don't get scared.

What about the Palestine, Ohio? Didn't they have something? No, that was a spill. That was railroad tracks. That's bad. That wasn't even a problem, dude. Don't worry about it. It could burn for another 250 years for the exhaust, the coal supply, the fuels, the rules. Want to see a video? It's fucking nuts. There's like holes in the ground. Smoke is coming out of the ground. It's just a graffiti abandoned highway. They abandoned everything. They had to abandon the whole town. Hold up.

Never ending fire. So the whole town is stuck, and so everybody had to move out of the town. Really? And as the thing got bigger, yeah, you're breathing toxic fumes all day. Everybody had to just bail. Oh, it was funny. Shane Torres was headlining the Centralia Comedy Festival. No, he was doing Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and I was hosting, and I was like, you want to go see Centralia? And we went in between shows. It was nice. How far? Friday, Saturday. It's probably like...

40 minutes north of the ice cream. Wow. It's fun going to abandoned places. What does it smell like when you're outside? You wouldn't notice it, but then every once in a while you see a crack in the ground with smoke. No way. This is crazy. You want to put a grate over it, throw some burgers down? Somebody drew a bunch of dicks on a highway for like a mile straight.

It's pretty fun. Someone just spray painted an abandoned highway with dicks. Speaking of hamburgers on a grill, did you see that photo of Chuck Schumer grilling in his backyard with raw hamburgers and no fire? He deleted it. What? He took a photo. He took it down. It's so nice to be out here grilling burgers. He had a photo shoot. He was just making a fake thing. Yeah, but the grill was not on. The burgers were fucking old, gray-looking burgers. He's got a smile on his face. It's like this...

It's almost like an AI picture. We got the shot. Go back inside. Yeah, this is it. So there's no heat at all on that grill. Look down at the grill. The cheese is still rock hard. Try to find fire. There's no smoke. Nothing's happening. That's not the best picture. I've seen a more high-resolution photo of it online. As you get in there, you're like...

There's no fire. God, Chuck Schumer lives like that with his neighbors right next to him. These have burr, unless those are fake. Those are good dogs. Those are quality dogs. Those dogs look great. The burgers are trouble. Yeah, the burgers are bullshit. I don't know what's going on with the dogs. Decent tits, though. I don't look so fire-themed.

Who drew that? Did he fuck him or Nancy Pelosi? That's actually a pretzel. Close in on that, Jamie. I can't get any closer. Okay, find a better photo. There's a little higher resolution. I thought that was fire, too, and I zoomed in. It looks like a pretzel that's stuck in between the grates. He's got his readers on the right.

Check to see. I might be wrong. I don't think I am, though. See if you can find a more high-resolution photo. As you zoom in. I thought it was fire. Oh, the fire's underneath there. He just put the burgers down. Oh, Jesus. It's got crow marks on it. It's like a little bit. Those wieners are right out of the package. They come like that. The people making fun of them.

Join the fight for free speech. He just goes, no thanks. First of all, if that's the grill marks you have on that patty, you don't know how to fucking cook a hamburger, you goddamn communist. Because you're cooking a hamburger only for TV or for the internet. You're not really cooking a hamburger to eat. I can't respect your fake game. Think about when you see... Do it fully fake. Who grills? When you see comedians do the social media route.

Think how bad politicians are. They're way worse. At least comedians are like, people around you being like, dude, that's fucking lame. Take that down. AOC at the border crying. Yeah. And it was like, you know. Did you see Condoleezza, whatever the vice president is? No, whoever the lady is. Kamala Harris. Kamala Harris, yeah. Condoleezza Harris. Son of a bitch. She's clapping and singing along to a song that was like, burn America down or whatever it was. No, no, no. They were talking about her. She's a dumb bitch. And she's like.

Yeah, and then someone had an informer. They're actually yelling out, Kamala Harris is a dumb bitch. That's gotta hurt. She's like, oh, that hurts. Well, that's not nice at all. Well, let's keep moving. I changed my mind. Let's keep moving. It's like when you think you're killing at the mothership. They're fucking. And you're repeating jokes. You were killing. You were killing and repeating jokes at the same time. They're hiding that lady. When was the last time you saw her? Yeah.

i think she's sucking out some of joe biden's um dementia did you see jimmy camill doing that thing with barack obama and joe biden what are they doing like jimmy camill's doing like shows with them he brings them out and they do like a show like a fundraiser yes sitting on a stage yeah in a theater and then obama has to walk joe biden off the stage imagine if they just changed the rules and said you could keep running if you win

There's no term limits anymore. This is a crazy job. It's very hard to do. And Obama decides to run again. He wins like that. Joe, step out. Obama wins like that. Oh, yeah. People like Obama. If they just change that law. If they just change that law. Biden has now lost all his, hey, I'm friends with Obama cred. Bro, he's lost all his, I'm a competent human being who's not dying thread. It's crazy going to rural Australia and talking to people like, how do you rate Joe Biden? And I was like, I don't.

I don't follow politics. And they're like, nice. Well, Australia's got some problems too. They had like a men behaving badly clause or whatever. Did you see that? What's that? What do you mean? Pull it up.

There was something about how they're like, we got to redefine men and change everything. Bro, they went woke. They went hard woke. Yeah, Australia used to be the coolest. And I never would have thought. Never would have thought that would have worked. I love Australia. The problem is the type of people that get into office are always nuts. And those type of people are the people that are going to get the university kids behind them and we're going to push a progressive fucking- That's just politics. Yeah. Australia's not woke.

Australia's fucking dirtbags. You're right. It's not Australia, but it's Australia politics. It's the Florida of the world. But it's always a fucking tyrannical feud that are opposing people being able to just do whatever the fuck they want. Australian people are wild. They're fun people, man. That's what you're talking about? Maybe. What is it?

Australia's Men Behavior Change Program? That's it, yeah. What is it? Behavior Change Program. Services for men looking to overcome a history of abusive behavior towards their female partner, including violence, coercive control, and... If this doesn't involve mushrooms, then they should shut the fuck up. You gotta take classes or something. Yeah, that's not gonna work. That's a bummer. Any classes you'd have to take...

that would get you through, like, one, five grand. Joey Diaz had to take one class, and he avoided Seattle for 20 years. He's still avoiding it. He's still won't go there. He still won't go there. He had to take one class. I'm like, don't be so rageful with strangers. He goes, I'll just leave the whole West Coast. Well, not only that. In Seattle, you could basically do anything, and they let you right out of jail.

It's so crazy. And they're getting him for like, what did he do? It was like parental stuff. It was like 70 years ago. I think he hit a guy. I think a guy, his ex-wife was dating. I think it was one of those things. Yeah.

I feel like you're allowed to hit that guy. You're allowed to hit him. It depends on who the guy is. It depends on who you are. But I support Joey Diaz staying out of Seattle. Seattle doesn't deserve him. He should do Spokane, though. He's a good Spokane guy. Spokane's the shit. Yeah. Spokane. You know what else is the shit? Tacoma. Tacoma.

I did Tacoma with Dave. We did Tacoma Dome. That was the biggest show I ever did. I saw a monster truck rally there. I was doing this Tacoma Comedy Club. I went to the Tacoma Dome for a monster truck. I didn't know monster trucks were just for kids.

I look like a fucking pedophile. Retarded people are allowed to go too. True. Dave and I broke the attendance record there. We did 25,000 people there. It was the nuttiest show I ever did. We were backstage right before. When we first did our first few shows, what would happen is I would do my set and Dave would have a DJ in between. He had this whole thing, like DJs and people would play music and shit. And so the DJ would introduce him. So I got off stage and the DJ starts playing music.

And Dave and I are standing there, and he just looks at us and goes, not a lot of motherfuckers get to do this. Wow. And we were just looking at it. It's one of the coolest moments ever that I still remember. The other one was when Dave, the audience did not know Dave was going to go on stage. I was doing an arena in Columbus with Hinchcliffe and I think Hans Klimt. No, yeah? Maybe Bronson? Krim. Was it Hans? It could have been both of them, I don't know.

Might have been both of them. Anyway, we're doing this giant-ass arena in Columbus, and Dave shows up while Tony's on stage, and Tony doesn't even know whether or not he's going to bring up me or Dave. I go, Dave's coming. Because he said he heard he was coming. So Tony is thinking he's bringing me up, but I'm walking with Dave up to the stage, and the audience realizes at a certain point that Dave's walking to the stage.

And it's a minute standing ovation. Damn. Like one solid minute. And me and Tony were just sitting there like, wow, just looking around like, this is amazing. That's right. It's like we were on a drug. How many times do you get to see one person generate this kind of love? And just cool to see. Watch this. Watch this.

This is Tony introducing him. I think we watched this last time. So he thinks it's me right now. Two of the best in the world. Look at Tony rolling with it instantly. They go bigger when they see him. Bro, one whole minute. That's a Super Bowl. What happened to the video? Tony's so happy. What happened to the video? It froze.

Just froze? So, trust me. That's a soup bowl for those people. It was one whole minute. And then he points to the mic and he goes, OH! Okay.

It was amazing. Tony rolled with that fast, too, because he's bringing you up in the middle. He goes, I'm bringing up one of the greatest comics. And instantly he goes, two of my best friends. He didn't change like that. He rolled fast. He saw it and changed. We had a thing. If it's Dave, come towards the stage with a light. So I'll see your cell phone light. So I had the cell phone light, and I was waving it towards him, and he saw the two of us as we were walking up. That's what he did. One of my best friends.

Two of the best comedians in the world, right in that moment. That's cool to think you went from the shitty Boston rooms to that. That's the cool thing about comedy. You can really... My favorite of those was hosting at the Cellar. She had me host for a while, and then she goes, you don't like hosting, do you? I'm like, no. I should be hosting. But I brought on Louie at his height, at like 2016, 2015. And I was like, we're already friends, but I was like, please, you know,

Pop in. Please welcome Louis. And they're so fucking nuts in a 140-seater. And I was like, do they always do this for you? And he goes, what? That's fun. When Dave came to the mothership, when the first week it was open, that was the same kind of deal, too.

We had just started. Yeah, I opened for him. That's right. I bombed his little boy. No, you did not bomb. You're lying. You're lying. Not true. Shane bombed. It was like an A-. No, it wasn't. You didn't even remotely bomb. It was a great set. It was just the first time anyone had ever stepped foot on that stage. You were the first person to talk into that microphone in front of an audience. It was a stressful situation because Joe introduced it.

And then I went up. And then you could just tell everyone. And it was all just friends. You know what I mean? It wasn't like a regular crowd. It was Chappelle and all his people, Rogan back there. And then I got up there and I was like. You're lying. You're lying. We sold the tickets online on Twitter in five minutes. I said there's a special intimate show tonight at 1130. Come down. I feel like Chappelle had like 20 people with him. Well, he always has a boss. Yeah, there's 20 people in the back of that. But the place was packed.

It was 110 people stuffed into this small room and no one knew who the show was. I just said, it's a special, surprise, intimate show. And the place sold out. And so they didn't even know who they were seeing. Why didn't he do the big room? So they see you because he wanted to do the little room. He did the big room the night before. He just wanted to fuck around. And no one had done the little boy yet. Because he walked in and he's like, man. He's like, when are you going to open up this big room?

And I go, you want to do it tomorrow night? You want to do it tonight? He's like, let's do it. So it was like that simple. So I was like, okay, we're going to open up the big room. So the wait staff, everybody's brand new. Everyone's just like getting going. We'd only been open a day. Damn. I mean, maybe a couple days. We just started. Don't start a fire. We started, the whole idea was we're going to open up once. We're going to do one show.

We're going to figure out what happens, see how everything goes, what we need to tighten up, and then do two shows, see how that goes. So we went with one show a night, and we said, okay, we're going to try two shows a night. And then we did a couple of these shows like that.

And we never stopped. We never did the break. We just kept going. You kept thinking that the rah-rah-rah-ness of it would fade away in a month or two, and it just hasn't at all. Bro, I forget to post images sometimes that tickets are on sale, and I go, let me go check the website. They're fucking sold out. Like, immediately. Me and Mark did a show last night, and they were like, I mean, they put it up a week ago. And then they were like, all right, tickets are on sale, and it's 14 minutes. Gone.

That never happens to me. It's crazy. A block of cheese would sell out there. There's a bunch of hardcore comedy fans, and they're fucking honest with their laughs, too. They're honest with their laughs, too. They know when you're not really getting it right. And they know when you are, when you really go for something. But the thing is, they come. If you're an audience member, you come going like, hey, it's going to be a good night. And you're going to leave at minimum going, oh, that one guy was really good, the other guy. And then they see someone, suddenly it's like Tim Dillon. And they're like, no, no, no!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anybody they know, it's like, they even better. Yeah. Bro, Theo Vaughn got a pop the other day. Holy shit. What do you mean? He went on stage. They went crazy. He's one of the biggest comics in the world. No one gives a crazy response to Joey Diaz. When Joey Diaz went on the other day, literally people were like bouncing around in the crowd like it was a mosh pit. Yeah.

They're all so excited for each other. You and your buddy are there and like, we did it! We got it when Joey's here.

Have you gone to Dave's Club? I have not, but I will. I definitely will. I heard his restaurant's insane. Restaurant? Yeah, he's got a restaurant connected to it with some amazing five-star chef that he loves that he brought to Yellow Springs to work at his restaurant. Comedy's in a crazy space. It's so funny seeing these grown-up children have hundreds of millions of dollars. I know, right? It's bizarre.

Damn, well, the Brady roast is like, it's crazy to see that much mainstream. Like, the biggest quarterback and the biggest comedians are interacting. The Brady roast was the number one show in Netflix history. Really? And your fucking stupid watch went off at the perfect time. The number one show was Dirty Comedy in the history of Netflix. That's right. That's it. There you go. The number one show. Nikki Glaser, Andrew Schultz, Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody going, ha!

Hard. Hard. That was the number one show in Netflix history. Love it. Fuck yeah. Most of that was yours. All right. You hear that, Sarandos? Quick censoring. They know. He knows. Okay. Sarandos is a good man. Actually, he's kind of a bro. Is he? He's a good man. Yeah, he's a good man. I saw him backstage. I didn't know who he was. And he was just looking at me backstage at the forum for Tony. And he just turns around. I just thought he was some guy. And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm cutting a hole in Kobe Bryant's...

Brian Jersey so I can put my dick through it. It's like, come on. And he's like, oh, cool. I was like, who was that guy? Like, he runs Netflix. I'm like, oh, that's that guy? Oh, shit. You worked for him.

You did a fucking two-part special for him. Yeah, that's true. You did two specials, a two-part special. But that's comedy. That's what comedy's supposed to be. Well, he was there for it. Well, that's what comedy can be if you let it go as wild as it should. Yes. You've got to try. The only way you find out what the limits are is you let Brian Holtzman on stage. Ooh. You find out what the limits are. We got Brian Holtzman on our stage every day.

all the fucking time. And we have him headline. He's a limit tester. We have him headline. Instead of putting him at the end of the night, we have Brian's headlining. That is the end of the night. In the big room. But no, he's doing regular shows. And it's not like a long show where it's two in the morning, you finally get to see him and he goes crazy. No, he does whatever the fuck he wants. But that's how, when we started, that's where he was. Tommy relegated him. He used to be just somewhere towards the end, but still like second, third. Thank you, sir.

But he's so, I didn't know who he was because I was in L.A. So you see him, he's like in a polo shirt buttoned up with khaki pants. Sharkskin suit. Yeah, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? Is there another show, another song that we can go with other than that? What's another one? How about that one that the bull ran out to? Yeah, that's a good one. Thank you, Ari. Perfect. Good job, Ari. Perfect dancer. I'm proud to be in America, so at least I know I'm free. Jamie, please cue it up. At least the hostage is safe.

Oh, Jesus. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Norman, you're not even really Jewish, right? No. Norman's not Jewish. Everyone thinks you are. Everyone thinks I'm a Jew. Come on. I'm better than that. I kind of suck at it. Oh, you want to do it with us? You want a knife? I got a knife. I'll do it, though. What, you got shotgunning? You got to open it. Oh, nice. Yeah, Norman. That's better than the eagle. I like a shotgun. Shut your fucking dirty communist mouth. This is the eagle. Oh, right in the middle. Interesting. Here we go.

Oh, you're gonna- Why are you gonna cut his mouth with that fucking terrible shitty job he did? Yeah, what are you doing? You're gonna kill my lip. No, I'm sorry. You drink out of the front. I'm stupid. You don't drink out of the front. No, you don't. I'm right. You drink out of the hole. Yeah, you fucking idiot. Fair enough. You need to drink out of the- You doubted yourself for a second. I did.

I'm not much of a fucking... I did tell myself you're... You got me? You son of a bitch. You said it with such confidence. I almost believed it. There you go. Easy. Yeah, but just don't give a jagged edge for Mr. Norman. He needs his lips. Play some sweet, sweet lips. Play some jagged edge, dude. Fuck this. No, no, no. Shut the fuck up. I'm proud to be an American. I am. Honestly, I am. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, what the...

We're still number one. We're number one. Well, listen. We're number one in comedy. I'm gluten intolerant. By a long stretch. Suck it, England. All you UK bitches, sit down. Finish it. Mark. Do it. Mark spews it out. They gotta do a slow-mo. Mark fucking spews every direction.

We have something else for those two. The hole is so big. It's a big hole. If we go down, boys, we're going to go down having a good ass time. Everybody dies, but not everybody lives. We're going to get in that bunker. We're going to have new suits. I've thought about the bunker. I thought about sitting there. LaMare lives with me. I thought about being like... Bunk it up. Him being like, can I go? Maybe I'll...

I don't know, dude. You'd be like, Lemaire, this place is yours now. Lemaire, you're a real meaty man. Would he fall apart in the bunker? Would he eat all the crackers? He would eat a lot of the food. He'd be Hurley. He'd be Hurley sneaking off for food. He would go about. You're going to need things like crackers. You're going to need sustaining food. You need stuff that lasts on a shelf forever. That can just keep you alive. Tuna. And you need iodine tablets. You need a lot of iodine tablets. See, this is why we need you. I don't know about iodine.

You need tablets so you can drop in regular water so you can drink it. It's gonna taste like shit, but you're gonna have to drink it just to stay alive. You might have to drink your own piss. And we need to kill ourselves. No. That's cyanide. We need to start eating assholes. Ah, too late. I'm on it. When we catch a shitty person, we gotta eat them. Yeah, that's the way to go. You ever eaten people? Not yet. What? Well, I mean... I wanted to eat a coyote once. These coyotes were killing my chicken, and I had this idea.

I set up a bird's nest on one of my balconies. No, I would have. Work will set you free. This was my plan. These coyotes ate a bunch of my chickens, man. So I tied one of the dead chickens to a vase, like a big ceramic vase, and I put it 30 yards off of this ledge. And I sat on the ledge with my bow. And the coyote was coming, and my daughter was five at the time, starts yelling, coyote!

It's a coyote. I'm like, oh, I had this motherfucker. I had him. He was coming in. He was sneaking around. You didn't smell the chicken? Oh, yeah. I was going to eat him. Whoa. I was going to cut his back straps off, and I was going to barbecue it. I was going to grill it. And then after I grilled it, I was going to take a shit in a hefty bag. I had a plan. What? And I was going to throw the hefty bag over the fence. Like, there's your friend, bitch. Whoa.

Whoa! Not a plan. Now, you gotta skin that thing. I was gonna skin it. That would've been good. Can you eat coyotes? Is that a normal food? You can eat it. It's not good. Stop doing what you're doing. You just have to make sure that you really cook the shit out of it to get all the parasites and trichinosis out of it. What the fuck are you pissing in? What?

Are you pissing? What are you doing? Why don't you just go to the bathroom, bro? You shifty heeb. But just go back again. Go to the bathroom again. You know who's got to touch these? J-Mo has to touch that. Yeah, he doesn't like that. He doesn't like it. No one likes that. What are you peeing? Why would anyone like that? What is it? What is the object that you're peeing at? He's pissing into a can. I'm trying to fucking help Shane with his big head. Oh, come on, Ari. That's so gross. That's so gross.

Sorry to throw that don't do it anymore. I just go go outside piss outside. You can go to the bathroom shit sucks That sucks. I was mad that we don't have a bathroom right outside the door. What are you? Nice, I love the walk out to the Beth is not that bad of a walk on the Sun's out you see those guys you go Holy shit. Oh, yeah, it's really important. They have to dig into the concrete and lay new pipes So you have to walk ten steps Dirty bastard

Ari's pissed in my podcast studio more than any human being that's ever worked. Really? Probably by a mile. No one else has. Probably zero is the second. Number two is zero. Anybody else is pissed in a jug? You're pissed in here. Has anybody else pissed in a jug? Yeah, so many times. No, no one else. Oh, I pissed in the pitcher once. Jamie hates you. You pissed in a pitcher. That's right, you did. You pissed in that water pitcher that we currently use. We had to wash it out. Oh, no. We should eventually wash this out. You used that again? Cheers. All right. It's just piss. Jamie just piss. Oh.

Damn, I didn't even know Jamie hated you until that. Is that true? You hate me? Yeah. Who cleaned up my puke? I'm proud to be an American. Well, at least I know how to breathe. I think we actually made you clean it up. The puke? Yeah. No way. You remember when you slept on the floor and I went out there and played pool for like three hours and then finally you woke up? I came out. You just came out?

I came out. I was asleep during a podcast. And then I woke up and Joe's playing with three of the top five pool players in the world. I'm like, hey, buddy, I'm out of here. Passing out during a podcast is crazy. Yeah, we had pool players over here. We were having fun. Ari came out stumbling. I go, how you doing, man? I'm going to go home. Well, I'm proud to be an American. And did a show later. Awesome photos.

Yeah, we really fucked with your head. Sleeping in the closet behind the stage is wild. I got a good hour of sleep in there. Sometimes it's got to go. It's got to go down. It's got to happen the way it happens. Yeah. Sometimes you got to lay down where you are. I tried to stand up. I couldn't do it. All right, this is it. No.

That's it. He's in a fucking cubby hole behind the comedy club. Just boxes and ladders. Bro, that fucking... There's so much storage equipment. I swear to God that club's alive. It's a fun time. Dude, I looked in the cubby. It's like clean as a whistle. I think the club's alive. When I first walked into that building, I was like, whoa.

kind of vibe it's been around for so long when you have a building that's been around for almost 100 years it's got a feeling inside of it like the first place i went to the cult house that i almost built that place was dope did you ever see the call place no i still think about buying it it was uh is that the one that sunk in the sewage no no i'll tell you the whole story off air there's an issue there's a couple of issues but not issues that couldn't be fixed

I thought about doing like if we get crazy big, like if we keep growing to have like, you know how like Mitzi had the Westwood Comedy Store? Not far away. Not far away. I thought about doing that. I thought about doing. I like that idea. Another one. Because you can only really have one A-level headliner in town on the weekend. That's a great idea. If he's here, then Mark can't be here. You know another thing I thought about?

Yeah. Buying a theater. I've talked to you. Don't say the name, but I thought about buying a theater in town and having big name headliners in every weekend. That's a great theater. Yeah. And also, the idea is you're always going to be able to have top level comics come in and do theaters. So you have them come in and do theaters. You have them available for pop-ins any night of the week. Come on by. We're all friends. And then you don't have to take that fucking terrible Live Nation deal where they fucking rob the shit out of you. Shut up.

I don't know if I'm in it for the money. I agree. I'm in it for funsies. No, I'm saying it would be nice as a comic not to have to say that, hey, we get the first 85%. But I do stuff with Live Nation, too. I don't...

What's going on with them right now? They're getting sued. I'm in it for funsies. That's what I'm in it for. There's not enough time in the world for me to pay attention to all the business bullshit. Yeah, but I feel bad about the scalping. Okay, well, I don't do that. Here's one thing that I don't do. I don't do that thing where they scalp on purpose, like Bruce Springsteen, a lot of these fucking... You think you would never do it? You talk to me about that, and then I talk to you about that.

Whatever that program is where the artist gets to – They raise the price? I'm not doing that. No, if somebody scalps, there's an option for the artist to – the artist. Jesus, I'm good. You know what I mean. That's how they talk. That's why I'm talking that way. To do what? You can make the money. So let's say – so I put my tickets on sale for like $40. Somebody scalps it and sells it for $300. Yep. I get $300.

How do you get it? Isn't that exactly what the program is? No, the program is different. The program is you have a platinum thing where the really nice tickets go for crazy money because everybody knows Taylor Swift is the bomb diggity, so they want to pay for it.

So they go, if the scalpers are selling this for $1,000, we'll sell it for... I'm not interested. If someone scalps, they scalp. That's just how the world works. But no, you have that thing where you have to show your ID of the person who bought it. That's the club. That cuts down hella. At the beginning of the club, it was a real issue. So what we came up with at the club... So at the club, if, say, if you wanted to buy...

If you wanted to buy 100 tickets to my club, if you just were a wild dude, want to buy 100 tickets, sell them for $1,000 each, meanwhile, you could just do that. And if you didn't have to show your ID and who you are, you would be able to resell those tickets. So you could just resell them for, like, some guy comes from Scotland. I want to see his show. It's sold out. Fuck, I flew all the way over here. How much? $1,000. $1,000.

Okay. I'll go online. I'll do whatever. I'll find some website. I'll buy the tickets. We have it so that if you buy, if Ari Shaffir buys two tickets, you have to show your license, you're you. I look at your face, facial recognition. I know who you are. And then you get to buy two tickets, and those are only your tickets. You can't resell them. You can't resell them to Bob for 500 bucks. You can't do any of that. But the idea is like stop thinking about money so much.

Money is only fun coupons. But you're a zillionaire. No, no, no. But you are. You're thinking about the money of the customer. Exactly. That's what I'm thinking. Exactly. But that's also, I'm not thinking about making more money. No. Sure. We're talking about them getting screwed. I made the club specifically to break even. My thought is I just don't want to lose any money. Yeah.

I want to make it the best environment for comedy and not lose money, and that's my goal. I want to pay people well, have a good time. That's my goal. Yeah, but one of the ways you did that was to stop that scalping. Yes. Well, that's for the audience. So you're paying a fair price. So the audience doesn't have to feel like shit. I know it's hard to get tickets, but at least you're not going to get fucked.

It would be harder to get tickets if you're coming from Japan. Yeah, it's harder. I'm sorry. Yeah, but everyone buying a ticket is intending to come. That's a human being that buys two tickets. You're on a date. You got your tickets. That's it. It's popular. That's it. And yeah, it's only 250 seats. Okay. That's just what it is.

but at least no one's getting fucked. The people that are there, everybody there is going to have a fair, great time, great wait staff, great, nice people managing. Everybody's fun. That's what I mean, but if you go see a music show with someone you like and you're like, okay, these are two $40 tickets. You get one and one for your friend. And then it's like, you owe us $130. And you're like,

Wait, what do you mean? Oh, with all their ticker mastership saying it's quite annoying. Yeah, but it's also you avoid that. The scalping.

You'd think they would do something about the scalping. Bro, they... For all those percentages. But also, as someone with money, someone's coming to town, and I find out Roger Waters is in town, and I don't have his number, and I can get tickets for like 500 bucks online. Like, oh shit. Yeah. Let me buy them. Yeah, but I feel bad if somebody comes to my show, and like, I set my tickets as low as possible, because it's like, dude, you're seeing me in a theater, it's

You know, it's not like comedy club. It's like make it 40 bucks. You just have to make it so that the people have to show their ID to get the tickets.

That's the way to do it. They're never going to do that. Why wouldn't Ticketmaster get it done? Because they have a vested interest in making the most money possible. They're a publicly traded company. They also did a thing where they sold off like 10% of their tickets to another ticketing company they own so that they could sell it for twice as much. Yeah. And AEG or whatever, the Dorphin one, caught them. Listen, man. Coke doesn't snort itself. Okay? Yeah.

Whores don't get paid with hugs. We gotta go! That's how I try to pay. I can use a hug. I tried it. That's how I pay. We all can use a hug. You ever had a hug when you haven't had a hug in forever? Oh, that's nice. When I first moved to LA, when I was working on a TV show, I had no friends. And I would just go to the comedy store and go to work. And this lady that I work with at the sitcom that I was doing, she gave me a hug.

And it was like I needed it. You got wood? No, I didn't get wood. I got like, oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nice hug. Like, hi, how are you? She gave me a hug. I was like, yeah. Did your dad hug? I felt so much better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My family's loving it. Theo used to be a hugger. They're very loving. Professional hugger. My parents are very loving and huggy. Really? Yeah, I think that's, when people don't do that with their kids, like, god damn, I'm trying to toughen my kid up. Hug life. Yeah, that's not the way. Theo used to give hugs for like that was part of a program.

He would hug people. Yeah.

I'm not making it up. That's weird. He was like a cuddler and a hugger. How old were these people? Some pretty old. He did do that old lady thing. Some pretty old, yeah. He used to come and punch our old pucks. Old ladies is nice. He was like a cuddler. When an old lady hasn't gotten a hug in a while and you give her one and she's like... Yeah, it was a program to help people who needed contact. My dad would do the shoulder tap. That was my dad's hug. You didn't get a hug? No. That's what happened. They're there now. Yeah. That's what happened. Mom hugged, but dad would be like,

My family's Italian. They're all huggers. Oh, yeah. Everybody's hugging. My dad's autistic. Hugging's important. It is. Touch is important. You gotta do it. People that are weird with touch, it's like such a strange thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gerard and that guy who died in that accident, Josh Ademeyer's friend, they brought hugging back into LA comedy scene. Really? Yeah. What do you mean they brought it back? We always hugged. Is that how we died? No, it was like they started hugging all the time. Hugging who? You and I hugged each other. We were there first, bitch.

I think we started hugging afterwards. Shut the fuck up. Then we just threw a firm handshake. We hugged from the get-go. There's a video of it. Shut your mouth. But they did it too, which is great. We just greeted everybody with hugs. We didn't know later. Freddie Soto started brother. Sorry, brother. Yeah, brother. Hey, brother. Freddie Soto had a logic behind it. He's like, I remember we were talking. You and I were talking about it. And Freddie was like, I call people brother because it's the best thing you can say to somebody.

Oh, you're not just my friend. You're my brother. My brother sucks. I'm saying, sorry, I'm sorry about that. I don't have any brothers. Oh, really? No. But yeah, he would be like, you're my brother in comedy or whatever. He just called people brothers. He's like, it makes people feel better. He was like, it makes people feel better. And I was like, that's a great philosophy. That is nice. And I just adopted it. I call everybody brother. Yeah. I like that. It's a nice feeling. Ian Edwards brought the, when he's fam, I know it's like popular, but he was like fam. I'm like, what is that, fam? Oh, I like that. Ian always calls me fam. I am fam. He's a black guy. He just found one black guy.

I know, it's cool to have one black friend. He's a vegan too. It's very cool. Poor Ian, he's always tired. Who's Ian? Ian Edwards. Hilarious. Hilarious comic, always tired. I had a series of photographs that I would get with him whenever we'd do the road together, I'd catch Ian sleeping on a plane. Black and protein. Fucking vegans. And then one time he caught me and it was hilarious. I was out there and he had this giant smile on his face and he's filming me sleeping.

You motherfucker. I got you once in the Twitter days. It was right when we were taking off. Oh, that's it. Oh, man, Biden. With two glasses on. Look at how he's smiling. Look at how he's smiling. Mouth agape. Damn. With the window shade open.

That's hard. You got sunbeams in your eyes. I didn't give a fuck. I got rogue amounts. I'm always tired. I took a picture of you sleeping and tweeted, like, do what you will with this. Mouth open like that. Cox. And you landed to a thousand cocks. A thousand cocks. Just giant cocks. The Hulk's dick. All kinds of dicks. I do love a good plane nap.

Oh my God, there's something about planes. I can fall asleep immediately as soon as it's on takeoff. I'm like, I know I got nothing to do. I'm not in control. Go to sleep. My mouth has never been more open than sleeping, sitting upright on a plane. Imagine being the guy on 9-11 like, oh, finally I'm out. Wake up to screaming terrorists like, wait, what? Ah!

Jesus Christ, bro. Jesus Christ. The guy's sleeping in the car. Hey, his mic went out, Jamie. Oh, yeah, I thought it was me. Might kick something down there. Yeah, come over. All right, we're back. You back? We back? What happened? Yeah, we're good. I think I touched something. Oh, is that what it is? The bottom thing? Okay. That was my fault. But the guy's sleeping in the car, and then the four guys go, one, two, ah! He thinks he's getting to a wreck. Ha, ha, ha.

Have you seen them drag a fucking inflatable bed out into a river? It's pretty fun. Just let people go. Oh, great. Somebody's sleeping and it's not waking up. It's like, you're in a lake now and you wake up like, no, no. That's so dangerous. That's great. That's so dangerous. What if someone doesn't know how to swim? Gator. It's really far from the shore and you can't figure out how to get back up on the raft because you're slopped.

You're not getting back up on that. He's a sloppy, out of shape bitch. Fucking dangerous, man. I'll do it to someone who knows how to swim. Yeah, but if someone doesn't pull themselves back on the raft, they're fucked. Nice. Just get rid of them. Just float away. It's like Moses. And they splash. They're in the water and they're gripping the side. And they're panicking. It would take like five minutes to figure out how you got there. And you're like, wait, no, I was...

Somewhere else. And I'm wet. You ever do the air mattress life? What is that? Like have one? Oh, yeah. And live on it? I had a futon. Oh, futons, rough. That's just like you hate your life when you have a futon. Yeah. You want to get out of bed. You don't deserve a bed, you fucking poor bitch. Get out there and get something done.

I slept on a futon. I got so much done comes up like thank God Yeah, it's like it's get out of this fucking shitty bed, and then you had to turn into a couch cuz there's a living room doubled up Yeah, doubled up. Yeah, we ever fuck a lady on their mattress. Yep Yeah, first of all when you walk in with them. They're like ah and me one of those nights one of those nights She's just sad. She's made poor choices. Yeah, you're willing to fuck me on this mattress. Oh

Fuck, you suck. Or let me fuck you. We had bed bugs. We had bed bugs. So we had an air mattress in the living room. Do you know how they find bed bugs on beds? Beagles? No. For real? Beagles? Yeah, they bring in a beagle and you go, what the fuck? Really? The beagle house? There's no way this works.

They use an iron. So they take an iron and they roll it over the mattress and the heat makes the bed bugs rise to the surface. Oh, God. And they just start popping out. So disgusting. Fucking nasty. Beagles can be trained to sniff out bed bugs. How the fuck did you know that? Because I had bed bugs and a guy brought a beagle in and I was like, wow, we're fucked. Why beagles? Beagles are particularly good at distinguishing scents. They're good at smelling drugs. They're the drug dogs of the airports. Oh, yeah. Damn. Well, usually they look for bombs. Oh.

Which makes you let go. I had a beagle sit in front of me in Australia once when I landed. What? Looked and stared at me. You had a beagle sit in front of you? When I landed. That's an ugly lady. It just sat down and just stared at me. And I was like, oh, cute beagle. And then the fucking border patrol was like, what do you got in the bag? And I was like, fuck. Piss? No, I had drugs. Jars of piss? I looked at weed. I had weed, I think. Did you get in trouble? No, because they said, do you have any fruit? And I was like, oh, yes, I do.

And they're like, must be that. Go along. Oh, nice. I was like halfway in jail. Yeah, they're so serious. Well, they don't give a fuck about weed, especially looking at a guy like you. You're not some international drug dealer. Yeah. Ha ha.

Bringing in tons of molly. But if you have a car tire filled with coke, they take that and they'll take a car tire and they'll take it off of the wheel and then they'll stuff coke in there and they'll put a little bit of air and then drive that bitch in. And then the fucking Belgian Malinois will get right up to the tire. Getting foiled by a dog. Carl does not like my dog bark. Carl's Jr. Watch this. I'll do a real one.

Oh shit, it worked. Look at him. He's ready to go to war. That's a good looking bitch. Fuck you, motherfucker. That was perfect. Fuck you, bitch. Look at his face. So cute. Oh, he woke up.

He looks intense, so he's gonna fuck me up. What are you gonna do, Carl? Carl has no idea how big he is. He'll do nothing. He'll chase that guy. He's never been harmed, so he has no idea that he can be. Right. So he runs at you and bites your fingers with, like, impunity. You want a piece of this? Yeah. Come on, bitch! This is how he weighs three pounds. Yeah, the size of my ankle. What does Carl weigh? 12. He's 12.

12? J.D. is a proud 12. He's 12. And he's over there barking. He's in cocksway. That's where my dick weighs. America. That's yours, Ari. He just did one. What do you mean, bud?

I'll do another one for the troops. You gotta remember, we got a show tonight. For the troops? Who has? What do you got, a mouse in your pocket? Who the fuck's we? Come on. Are you pussies gonna back out? Nah, I can do it. Let's have some fun. What else are we doing? We're gonna have some fun. Let's try a different song. We might have to get a bite first. What's another good American song? Food would be good today. Food would be nice. How about Buck Cherry, Cocaine? Proud to be an American. Oh, that's that one. Bada-ta-ba would be nice. Bada-ta-ba. Oh, I know the drop. It says long drop, though.

Yeah. How about... Start it. Buck Cherry lit up. I got one. Hold on. Three Six Mafia sipping on some scissor. Classic. What is this one? It's ball to ball. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a good one. Just takes a while. This is a good one. Yeah, we can talk over it. Especially since this is the guy that killed Bud Light. This is college. Bud Light's back. Bud Light's back. They're friends now. He almost killed Bud Light, though. You put him in a chokehold, let him out. You shot it pretty hard.

He killed that company What year was this

99. Probably 90. What? 99. Free 9-11. Did you see Kid Rock's Rolling Stone thing? No. The thing in the middle figure spaceship? Kid Rock's Rolling Stone thing? Uh-uh. He did a Rolling Stone interview, and he started saying the worst shit ever, dropping N-bombs, and he said, please, print the worst article you can about me. It'll be good for me. It's only going to help me. Smart move. Complete disdain for Rolling Stone. Just complete disdain. Did you ever see the video of him driving a...

Fucking rock and middle middle finger rocker up to the moon. Bro, when you got a guy like that that has that much money. He's a wild boy. He's a wild boy. Everyone's money. He can sell out. He FaceTimes, you know, be like, yo, there's a fucking monkey at my house. It'll be him holding a monkey. No way. God damn.

Then he FaceTimed me a week later and was like, there's a fucking deer here. What the fuck? And next to him, there was a deer in his yard that they were just, it was a baby deer. He was just holding. And then it was in front of his orange Tesla. He got a Tesla truck, orange. He got the fucking General Lee Tesla truck. And he's holding a deer. He's like, this is fucking crazy. It was just me and my dad in my car. I was like, this is my dad. He was like, hey, man. My dad was like.

Hello? I was like, Dad, this is Kid Rock. He's got a deer in front of a Confederate flag. Wow. I don't think he has the flag on it. He's got the flag in the back. It does? It's on the back. Wow. It's a Cybertruck? It's a Cybertruck Confederate flag. Wow. You gotta respect that commitment. There's no denying it. There she goes. Don't see the flag. The flag is on the back window.

Actually, it might be open. It might be on the trunk. Oh, so when you pull the trunk lid down, it shows the flex so he can choose to represent. If he's got to stand and do it. Or he's not standing in it. It's an attractive flex. How many people got mad that he's got the General Lee colors on an electric car? By the way, that's a fucking American car, if you really think about it. They're fast as shit. All Teslas are fast as shit. They're jerky. The cheapest Tesla will blow most muscle cars out of the fucking water. Mmm.

Those guys are crazy. You can kind of see it on the truck there. On the back of the truck, on the bed. You know, they can't play that show on whatever network that owns it. They can't play that show anymore because of the Confederate flag on the roof. Wow. Really? Yeah, you never see Dukes of Hazzard reruns. No, you don't. You would. You would. They don't play it because of the Confederate flag. Whoa! Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe flashback. Because that's on the roof. Isn't that wild? It's crazy.

It's wild. Meanwhile, they'll show fucking Amistad or Roots all day. What about Hogan's Heroes? That's way worse. Can you still show Hogan's Heroes? What was bad about that? They had a fucking show, a comedy about a concentration camp. No, it was an internment camp. Yeah. They were bubbling. That was the only thing. They were idiots. The Nazis were kind of friends with the captives. They all interacted and kind of were like, oh, Marty. Like that kind of thing. Yeah.

Oh, man. That's crazy. Colonel Clink? He was an idiot. Don Barris, we used to always fuck around about Jew stuff at the end of the night, and he'd be like, I saw a documentary about the Holocaust. It didn't seem that tough. I'm like, what was it called? He goes, Hogan's Heroes. Yeah, that show was a fucking sitcom when I was a kid. Yeah, it was normal. And it was only a few years after the war, if you really think about it.

It was a way of like, let's take it lightly. What year was Hogan's Heroes? I want to say it was the 70s, right? So that would literally be like a jokey joke show about the invasion of Iraq. Now, yeah, about right. Desert Storm. People needed a laugh. Or worse. Yeah. First time I've seen it, 65. Wow. 40 years later. Oh, wow.

20 years later. And that dude went crazy. The dude who was the lead went crazy. It was that movie about he did a lot of pornos. Autofocus. Yes. What was it? Autofocus, yeah. What was his name? Combs.

No. Not Ray Combs? No, no. That's Family Feud. Family Feud, yeah. I thought he did that and then went on. No, no, no. He was in Family Feud, but that was the other guy that was in Family Feud. It wasn't Ray Combs. Greg Kinnear did a movie. Yes. I know this guy. Jamie will find it. It's a normal name. Very standard name. So this dude, when he was off of Hogan Heroes, he would...

Bob Crane. Bob Crane. He would just like find girls and film videos. And him and his partner would make porn together. And they got addicted to making porn with like random ladies. And then his partner killed him. Why? I don't know. He murdered him.

What? Yeah, yeah, I was part of the movie. That guy was... The guy he did it with. The guy he did the movies with. Yeah, Willem Dafoe's guy. Hobgoblin. That's his greatest role. He was Hobgoblin. The Green Goblin. Green Goblin, yeah. Great. Who's Hobgoblin? By the way, huge hog on Dafoe. Really? Yeah, they have to edit out his bulge. Oh my God. He's got such a hog. Wow. Pull it up. So back then, in 65, these were like the first TV stars. Yeah, right.

Yeah. So this guy was probably on a fucking rampage. Oh, yeah. They cleaned up. And his buddy was like, let's do some fun stuff. And then his buddy wound up killing him. Yeah. Rogan's heroes. That's us. Look at that. Look at that fucking show. A show about. Fat Nod.

A comedy about Nazis. Well, the producer is Springtime for Hitler. That was pretty close. He got a lot of shit because he's a Jew. Oh, right, right, right. Mel Brooks. That's right. Springtime for Hitler. The Jews really want to have him. What about that fucking one Jerry Lewis movie that they can't?

They never released it. The Dictator? No, no. There was a movie about it. It was a clown at a concentration camp. A crying clown? Something like that. And then they ended up doing that movie. Sad Day for a Clown? No, he made the movie, but it's in the archives. The day the clown died. It's supposed to be the worst fucking movie ever shot. They had come crying.

1972, never released due to myriad issues with the production, never been made available in any form leading to project to reach mythical status in the global film community. That's what I like, Mark. It's supposed to be so offensive. That's a good health product. Jerry Lewis is a clown irritating Holocaust kids that are on their way to the gas chamber.

He's making them laugh. Hilarious. What a great concept. Wasn't there a similar movie about that that won some award where the guy's like, I'm going to be the happy guy? Yes, like an Italian guy. Life is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Roberto Benigni. That shit ruled. Great movie. Buongiorno, Prince of Pace. Who was Patch Adams? That was a clown. Patch Adams, clown. Robin Williams. Robin Williams played a clown. Cancer Kids, I think so. Yeah. Hilarious. He stole that. Didn't even have cancer. Ooh. Those were actors. Yeah.

Yes. And now they're all fucked up. Well, if you can have AI actors now, you don't have to have kids doing it anymore. So the kids won't get fucked up. God damn, we better movies.

That's coming. Should they make kid sex robots just to appease the pedos? Good idea. So they don't go out on the streets. Good idea. You should make sex kid robots that explode once your dick's inside of you. Just weed them out? Yeah, just nails. Every fourth one. There's a chance you might get by. Everyone is filled with plutonium. Even if they don't explode, you get dick cancer. Take that, Jared Fogle. What does it say? It's possession of the Library of Congress.

Los Angeles Times reported that Lewis had donated a copy of the film to the Library of Congress under the stipulation that it would not be screened before June 2024. That's now! That's now. That's right now! We gotta go see it! We gotta go see it! Can we go see it? Field trip! Let's go! Let's do it! Has anybody seen it? Can you go see it? Let's find out if it's legal to go watch it. Can we go watch it? Yeah.

Can we go to the Library of Congress? What would we have to do to go to the Library of Congress? I've been in there. You can just walk in any government building. That's what I heard. That's true. Start shooting. You and your boys can just go in, and they might execute a lady, and no one will care, but whatever. I'd like to see it. No, Library of Congress is just open. It's an actual library. How many people have been arrested for just being there on January 6th?

I think a lot. Are you still in jail? I saw a Biden speech where he was bragging. He was like, we gave these guys 800 years in solitary confinement. 800 years. Watch the footage reveal for Jerry Lewis' lost Holocaust film. Condensed version of the 1972's Holocaust movie recently appeared on Vimeo. Oh, you can watch it on Vimeo? Damn. Is it still on there?

It's not gonna be good. It was never- Wait, why is it bad? Is it because it's too sad? Did you not see the fucking nutty professor? He was brilliant. Eddie Murphy? Son of a bitch. Scrap plans for releasing the film after being embarrassed by how it turned out. It's still better than Unfrosted. 2025! We have to wait until 2025. What? Yeah.

I can't wait. Oh, Harry Shearer said the movie... He saw it. Harry Shearer said the movie's so drastically wrong. Where did it say? Yeah, he told Spy Magazine the movie was so drastically wrong, calling its pathos so wildly misplaced that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is. Wow. There was a show in England that got cut about a guy coming home, a Nazi, and his family.

Pull that up, JMO. Which was a show? It was a sitcom. Like, honey, I'm home, but he was a Nazi. Oh, yeah. Yes. And it was just his regular stuff that he had to deal with his life life. His nagging wife. And he was like, just got back from the genocide. It's called home improvement. What's the deal with concentration? You're not studying. Yeah.

No one in there is concentrating on anything but survival. They don't have any food. You need food to be able to concentrate. Ovens doesn't sound so bad. Easy bake. I lost my yarmulke in the dryer.

Where is it? Click into the wall. One yarmulke. I saw a hair on the shower. Oh, yeah. That was one of my favorite Seinfeld bits. But it's funny if you include a concentration camp. Yes, yes, for sure. Auschwitz. That's terrible. Hold on. Wait, wait. There was a sitcom, though. It was like Honey, I'm Home, Nazi version. Honey, we shrunk all six million kids. Jesus Christ.

Honey, we killed everybody. Honey, we shrunk six million kids. What the fuck, dude?

They did that with, there was a movie that just came out, Zone of Interest, that was kind of like that. Heil Honey, I'm Home. Oh my God. A British sitcom written by Jeff Atkinson, produced in 1990, was canceled after one episode. It centers on Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, who live next door to a Jewish couple. Oh my God. 1990. Oh my God. Show me a clip. It's probably funny as fuck. This is the fucking show. This is so ridiculous.

Cancel after one episode, but they put it out. It went all the way to air. Think about how many fringe comedians say god-awful things on Twitter just to get attention. Now think, if you gave this person a budget... Oh, sorry, Ari. I forgot you were here. What did I do now? This is crazy. Oh, tonight you will make a schnitzel. What a joke! You must be real mad at me, honey.

I'm a very, very bad Hitler. Come here, baby. Don't touch me. I thought it was the UK. Those are very American accents. Yeah, but it's the UK. They're pretending to be German. They're pretending to be German, so they went American.

Weird, man. Well, they probably didn't know what a sitcom was. They just copied us. Yeah, exactly. They don't know how to do it. Take your uniform off, bro. You're home. Yeah, what are you doing, bro? Putting on sweats. Just off work. 1990. Jesus Christ. It was 1990. Wow. That's so nuts. That's so nuts.

Damn, it got through. I would love to see someone in that meeting. I like how they made it 1938 before things went totally sideways. Sounds like a fucking Nick Mullen pitch. Shut up, Earl. We're doing it. I can't believe they did that. They made it in 1938. That's when it was supposed to be. He lived next to a British couple, and they were like, we got to get rid of this couple. It's like if you do a show about the Jackson 5. Do it while he's young. Do it before things go weird. Joe Jackson was a...

Mean man. Allegedly. Wow. That's the story? Yeah. I bet most kids don't want to work their ass into being the fucking best ever. The best ever. King of pop. King of pop. The creepy story. Popping boy pussy. What his doctor said. Popping that boy hymen. His doctor said that he was chemically castrated to keep his voice.

Is that right? Which makes sense. If you look at him- Chemically. Yeah. His body looks so different than all of his brothers. He looks like a eunuch. Like he has no muscle at all. Nothing. So he probably had no testosterone. So his voice never reached male puberty voice.

But his dick still worked. I don't know. Well, according to some of those kids. Who knows who's telling the truth? Because he was banging Brooke Shields and Lisa Presley. No, he was with them. He was with them. Oh, the old with them. But look at his kids. His kids are clearly not his kids. Really? Yeah, they're white kids. No, they look like a white kid because he was black, dude. Oh, that's right. His DNA was black. He was black. Yeah.

Listen to fucking Norman. Norman's like the worst detective ever. Oh, he was black. Good point. He was a negro. Sir, he was black. I think Joe Rogan is a killer, but it wasn't there. Not his fucking kids, man. Those are not his kids. But not biologically.

Really? Yeah, but like Michael Jackson was so fucking good that even though there's all those allegations people still listen to that music. They're like shut up, shut up, shut up. He was so fucking good that Beat It, Tony Hinchcliffe used to have a joke about it. He was like when Beat It comes on, you don't give a fuck about those kids. That was about his dad. Everyone had that joke.

Everybody had that joke, but Tony's was a really good one. It is a thing where if someone's that talented, you let them slide. He had one too? Chappelle had, he was like, he made Thriller. It was on Chappelle's show. He was on the stand and he was like, he made Thriller. Right. You got diddled by the best pedophile of all time. And then he got pissed and then he was defending R. Kelly and they pissed on him. It was good. Right. And then there was also, there was probably some shit going on with him where people were blackmailing him.

If he really didn't have a working unit, like if he really was chemically castrated, like his doctor said, that doctor that went to jail. Really? The one who went to jail for giving him profenol. So he would- Would have killed him. Yeah. He would literally get anesthetized because he couldn't sleep. He was so crazy that he just couldn't sleep. And so the doctor would anesthetize him every night and eventually he died. So when that doctor got out of jail, he gave an interview. He was talking about what happened to him. He said that he was chemically castrated when he was young.

Damn. That's why he looks so different. He's so thin. Like, no muscle at all. And you look at his brothers. His brothers look like men. Yeah. Like all the other brothers. But he was the young kid with this fucking golden voice. And there's a long history of people doing that. Those castratos from the opera days where they'd cut kids' nuts off and have them sing at a high pitch forever. Really?

You never heard of Castranos? Uh-uh. There's like one video or one recording that's available from like the early 1900s of a Castrano. It's haunting. Pull it up. It's like a guy with no nuts singing. They took his nuts when he was a young boy. Damn. That allergy. Dark. Dark.

All right. Dark, dark shit, man. Well, hey, if it keeps you in working. What is this? I see what you've got there. You're trying to learn how to use it. It's a shotgun thing. Why don't I just push it against it? Drink it like a real American. What the hell is that? Oh, a shotgun button. Yeah, there you go. Whoa, that's a great invention. So you just punch it through. That didn't go through on Shark Tank. There you go. Fucking jizz on me.

Easy. Much better. Much better. Well made, Charlie. And you suck through the fucking... Whoa! Oh, that's so much better. Suck it, Ari. That's like having an America Freedom bong in your pocket. I can't believe I caught that. That was a great throw, too. Perfect throw, Luch.

Damn. Is that another one of those? Why do you keep doing that with your throat? It's so cold. Yeah. It's a cold beer. That's why I do it. Yeah, but that's not going to help. Shut up, dude. No, you shut up. Stop chugging a beer and going, oh. Oh, me throat. Oh, fuck. It's so uncomfortable. Oh.

If I squeeze my throat, it makes me feel better. Ow, I hurt my elbow. Owie, my funny bone. These are great. These are great. The crack in. It's a great idea. Nice plug. The ultimate shocker. You think you could get this into a stadium? Oh, yeah, you definitely could. You put your keys on it. Oh, you can give this to a lady for self-defense. Uh-huh. Then hold onto it like this. Yeah.

Like that fucking... Yeah, like the keys? The combat class I told you about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Don't. Don't you. Stop. Looks like Ari's nose. How dare you. Thinner, but the right shape. Son of a bitch. That's quite a honker. You son of a bitch. You got a nice honk, dude. Thanks. Leave his honker alone. You could snort some blow with that puppy, huh? I support your honk.

Is blow still a major thing amongst comedians? Sometimes. Yeah. It is awesome. Is it out here with comedians? Sometimes if shit's going well. If shit's going well. It's not like there's not as many fiends, but if it's going around, people are like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, it's going around.

Such a dumb one. Oh, squirter. That is great. What the fuck happened? You know they have legal weed? They have like that Delta... Delta 9. Delta 9. Lame. Yeah, but it's not bad. You ever try it? It's not bad. Helps you sleep. Delta 9 is the real weed, by the way. It's pretty weedy. What do you mean it's the real weed? 9 is the normal weed. 8 is the stuff that's a little... Delta 8? Yeah. Oh. Is it suspect? I've had the legal stuff that you could buy here, and it's weed. It's okay. Weed is also...

Mike, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to get obliterated or do you just want to get a little creative? If you just want to get a little creative and get a little silly, it's perfect. It works. Like a weed. They don't give you 32% weed. It's 17% weed. What are you trying to do? What are percentages? I'm a United man. I'm saying you don't need to get obliterated. You can just have regular weed that's not crazy hard. But isn't it weird? My point was, what if someone comes out with a Delta 8 Coke bottle?

Oh. You know? That's a great idea. Like, if you could do that. Okay. That's called Adderall. Different forms of THC or Vail are in cannabis plants. The most abundant form is Delta-9. When people refer to the effects of THC, they usually talk about Delta-9. Other forms of THC, such as Delta-8 and Delta-10, have similar chemical structures to Delta-9, but their effects are usually different. I don't know. Interesting. Yeah.

Some of that stuff's pretty good, and you can just buy it in a store, and it's totally legal. What a weird loophole. I've had a lot of it. In New York, you can buy shrooms at the bodega. Really? They're doing that now? Yeah, it's wide open, baby. Is that legal in the state now? No. No? No, but it's like...

Nobody's bothering us. You got the fucking... Well, listen, that's the beginning, and eventually it's going to get to the point where people realize that it should be legal. I gotta say, they work. You shouldn't have adults telling you what the fuck you can do. Yeah, but didn't Portland open up all the drugs, and look at them now? Well, they had problems before that. You can't blame it on that. You gotta tilt it down. Tilt down. You're talking to Rich Voss. Oh, you're right. I did do it upside down. Shit. Shit.

Wow. And all my heroes in the methadone clinics. So he was in, Kid Rock was in my green room and that exact line came up. I was talking about a family member's drug addiction. Yeah. And I was talking about methadone. And he was like, he was fucked up and he was like, I have a lyric about that. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like,

he didn't think about it and he was like oh my hero was in the methadone i was like you mean ball with the ball dude i know bro i know that's the one you have he probably still sings that all the time right that's the cool thing about being a rock star they want to hear those old you want to hear it it's like the machine yeah with bert yeah they want to hear those old stories

God, they want, that's a, that must be nice. They're a banger from fucking 30 years ago. Well, that was Dice too. What Dice had over all comics was everybody knew the lines and they wanted to repeat them. What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! And they had the whole crowd be like, yeah! It was like a song. We did a Rock on the Range or whatever. Some rock fest. I did that once. Dice was the comic there. I had to open for him.

And he did that at the end. What's his face? Lincoln Parker, one of these bands brought him up and the whole arena knew it. It was incredible. Yeah, because it was just the right age where they knew the whole thing and they all sang it together. It was beautiful. I love what Dice is doing now.

And nobody knows who he is and he doesn't care yeah like you know he doesn't have like an issue of people not knowing who he is like it's Big shot with the two dogs what? The two dogs big shot Sir I don't know no no the two dogs big shot

He did it to me. I never met him. I was like, hey, I'm just letting you know I'm your opener. How much time you want me to do? He goes, you want a photo? I'm like, no, no, I'm just saying I'm your opener. He's like, come on, let's get a photo. And I'm like, I'm good. I'm good on the photo. He was always down for the goof. Yeah, he's always down with goofing on people. I could see that you're fans and I get it if you wanted the picture.

You know what I mean? Some people are shy about stopping me. Some of them get shy. You know what I mean? Huge fan, man. Brad Garrett, killing me.

Does Brad Garrett still do stand-up at his club? I think so, yeah. I have no idea. He's got that nice club in Vegas. I hear it's a beauty. It's a great club. Dr. Candy. Don Marrera used to work that club all the time. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, he said it was like the best club in Vegas. Does Kimmel's got a club there? Wiseguys has a club there? Is Kimmel's still open? Wiseguys has two clubs there now. I heard Vegas has a little bit of a scene. Vegas has got a common scene now. Two clubs in Vegas? Tripoli lives there now? No. How does that work? That was his scene that he came up with. Oh, right, right, right. And Stanhope, too. Stanhope, really? Yeah. He had a club? No, he started in Vegas. Oh.

Pretty sure. What's his name from Wyoming? Was there for a long time? I heard a great Stan Hope story. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it. Don't say it then. Okay. Give it a chance. Tell us later. Give it a chance. It's pretty funny, but it's like, I think it's pretty tame. Give it a chance. I'll give it a chance. We can cut it out. J-Mo, make a time note. Okay.

Carl will be ready with the butt, with a dump. When Zany's opened in... Nashville? Yes. He went, and no one knew who he was. He walked half the room. People were like, this is horrible, you're weird, you're anti-Bible, whatever. And the bartender there was some lady, and it was her first night at a comedy club bartending. And she went up to him after, and she was like, you're disgusting.

That was abhorrent. That was inappropriate. That was crazy. She didn't know comedy. So then, whatever, cut to 30 years later, he comes back to Zany's, kills, has one of these magical sets, annihilates Zany.

Great night. He gets off stage and she was like, she now had been seasoned with comedy. She's heard all these people over the years. And she's like, that was great. They go out. He ends up fucking her back at his or her apartment. And he's over the balcony fucking her, fucking her. She's like, you don't remember me? You don't remember me? He's like, no, I don't remember you. Whatever. And they're fucking, they're fucking. And now he's got her over the balcony fucking her doggy style. And he goes, you're disgusting. Is that true?

I mean, I don't know. It's a story I heard. It's a fun story. How's he going to know? Cut that out. No, I think that's all right. That's all right. Is that all right? It's probably not true. I feel like we should check. I don't think Stan Hope would be upset.

Alright. Call him. Try calling him. Call him! If we know Doug Stanhope, I'm sure he doesn't care. He'd be like, whatever, I have fucked. It's fine. Let's find out what's going on here. But what a great 30-year callback. You want to FaceTime Kid Rock? I bet he says something retarded. Call him up! Let's get Kid Rock on our pod. First guest. Ask him if the story's real. Joe. Who rules more than Stanhope? He's the best.

He might not have woken up yet. He's shaking a drink. He can't answer. That's one number. Let me try the other one. No, I've been out there. He wakes up early. Oh, really? I couldn't believe it. He might already be passed out. Let's see if this one works. I got a couple numbers. He also doesn't drink like that. Come on. No, it's when he goes after it, then he goes after it. It's a marathon. He might call back, so keep an eye on that puppy. That's funny, though. I heard another one where he...

Douglas, we're on the air. Text me or call me when you get this. Period. I'm with Shane, Mark Norman, and Ari Shaffir. I think Sam Talent lived there for a minute.

He was with me. Oh, with you. He was there for like a week. No, no. You're talking about Bisbee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He came down. Me and Sam had one of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life. It's not even funny. We were just on mushrooms, but Stan Hope. So it's just us. And Stan Hope has the fun house, his bar. So we're just drinking every night.

And then me and Sam took mushrooms. And the whole time, every time you talk to Stan Hope, he's such like an old road dog that will be like, do you know Billy Cummings?

He just always says a name that you've never heard of. Anyway, we're up on the roof. Me and Sam are up on the roof of the Funhouse on mushrooms, dying laughing about a scenario where his dog Henry eats his cat Meatwig. And when the cat gets eaten, Stanhope, just imagining what Stanhope would do if his dog ate his cat and be like, Meatwig, no! No!

It's so funny to us. The dog ate the cat? No, it's just a made-up... We're on mushrooms, so we think it's the funniest thing of all time. Of him just going, meat wig, no! But also, Stanhope can be mean drunk. Really? Oh, yeah. Scary. We'll be sitting there drinking, and out of nowhere, he'll be like, you're fat. That's uncalled for. Jesus Christ.

Dude, we'll have a nice night smoking cigarettes, drinking vodka, then out of nowhere Stan Hope will just turn to you and be like, you fucking suck at comedy. Oh!

We're on mushrooms, we go downstairs, and he's also, I mean, we're dying at the concept of two fucking ogres. Me and Sam on your roof. Huge, man. Tackling about you. Let us into your home. Yeah, let's think about mushrooms. There's so many layers. Yeah, so many layers. I'm trying to explain this. You're laughing about three laps. Right, right. I get it. But meat wig, no. But then we go downstairs. He's drunk. We're high on mushrooms.

And the first thing he does, he turns to us, he takes a drag of a cigarette, and he's like, do you boys remember Bentley Dustin? Some fucking random fucking bullshit comic. Why would I know Bentley? And we start howling, laughing in his face. And he's instantly, he's just like, you two fat fucking losers. And it's just making us laugh more. Yeah, Stan Hope can turn nasty when he's drunk, which is so funny.

Cuz he's in a fucking clown suit. Yeah, yeah, you know I mean he's just- He filmed a special at my club, but I don't think he released it. What? What? Put it out! Yeah, I don't know what's going on with it. Fitzsimmons did. The devil after crowd. Fitzsimmons has one coming out, Bryan Simpson, he filmed it. He filmed it at Netflix, on Netflix, but I know Stan helped film something. I don't know what he did with it. Was it, was it killer?

I wasn't there. I was out of town when he was doing it, unfortunately. Sandhop's like, unless I film with one camera by an audience member in the crowd, it's not cool enough. He filmed when I was on the road. I was somewhere. Or I wasn't home. It might have been a UFC weekend or something like that, and he filmed. I heard it was great, though. Damn. I think he might have filmed during the day.

No refunds. I made him one of those day drunk things. I think that's it. I think he did one of those day drinking things where he filmed at noon. There's a poster in your club. Day drunk. Stanhope. That must have been it. That's it. Framed. I saw him once at King King. Bert's done those too. Yeah, I did the last one with him. You did too. It was the first time I ever featured. What is it like doing a show at noon? A long time ago. The first time I ever featured was opening for Bert.

a day drinking show it's a call sick to work show what year helium Philly 2016 Wow yeah that amazing yeah and then I emailed him and I was like we should work together first time you feature was 2016 and eight years later you're the biggest comic in the world

You did guest sets on my show. I was like, who's this guy? Where's he coming from? 30 minutes later, he's like, who are you, though? Yeah, right. Well, I was doing it. I did a decade of truck stops in the middle of the year. Right, right, right. See? Good for you. Seasoned. Seasoned. Bad rooms. Yeah, man, I think that's the thing with everything. I think you've got to have a full,

array of experiences in order to reach your potential. Yeah. I think that's the thing with everything. The only one you couldn't conquer. I think that's with everything. Like every fighting movie, every fighting movie you see some guy in some fucking seedy bar that has like a boxing ring and he steps through the ropes and next thing you know he's fighting for the title. You know, it's like with everything. Batman had a fight in that hole. Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta... There you go. You gotta know all the fucking aspects. You can't be some guy who's gone from like a YouTube star to being now you're doing clubs and you're selling out everywhere, but you've never done a fucking bachelor party. Elton John was talking about all these boy bands and he goes, no, they've never had a bottle thrown at them. Yeah, really? So they don't know how to like get a

crowd. And Simmons and I, since we literally started out together, so many times him and I would just been fucking laughing hysterically at hell gigs that we had to do together. I did a show for Rogan at Chickapee. Yes! I know Chickapee Mass. Yeah, awful. They're bagging up their fucking Chinese winter. Some guy comes on stage while I'm on, and he goes, I want a selfie. And before there were cell phones. And I'm like, what? He takes the camera, puts his shoulder over me, takes it, and I'm like...

Looking for a door guard doesn't exist. And I'm like, you gotta roll with it. You're in the middle of nowhere. But you're right, it's like, what's his name? Dempsey? He was out doing bar fights back in the day. And they're like, you're pretty good at this. Yeah, we're all heavyweight champs. Remember Kimbo Slice? He used to fight in the backyard. Fight cops. Take your badge off. Let's go. Next scene, he's on fucking CBS. Oh, Stanhope. Hey! Ask him about the story. Douglas, me boy! Ha ha ha!

Hello, I was just wrapping up some dude's podcast. Wait, we were just talking about you. Because we're doing Protect Our Parks right now, and Norman just told some story about you being very rude to some lady. I'm not here. And he's not exactly sure if it's a true story. About someone saying that you were disgusting, and then many years later you went back and she was away. Nashville. Nashville, zanies. You fucked her over a balcony? No, that was Chicago zanies.

Chicago's in Vegas. Okay, fast. Tell me what happened. That's it.

It's actually in a book. She was a waitress during the Chicago Comedy Festival, late 90s. And she had watched my set. And then afterwards, all the staff is closing out. All the comics are going, hey, what bar do we go to? And go around the corner. So I'm sitting next to her. And it ends up me and her, the last people there. And I said, are you going to this bar? And she goes...

I just want you to know I saw your set tonight and I think you're absolutely disgusting. So I get booked back there and she's working there. I'm doing a regular week by myself. How many years later?

Within the year? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah, it goes from a festival to an actual headlining week. And so I said to her, all right, listen, I said that, you said that, but we're going to work the whole week together, so how about we have a truce? And she said, yeah, fine by me. And then cut to after the bar closed,

At the bar, after the bar, back at my hotel, I'm fucking her in the ass. Did you say in the ass? Yes. Oh my God. Devil's tunnel. The weird part was I was in a hotel that had windows that opened.

That's how long ago it was. I had her bent over with her head out the window and I came in her ass and I leaned into her ear and I said, I just want you to know for the record, I find you absolutely disgusting.

Hang on. The best part is when I wrote that story in my first book, and then we did the book, the Audible podcast style. So we come out of the book, and I had her on as a live guest. So I read that part to her, and then we cut to her side of the story. And she goes, first of all, you didn't come in my ass. You came on my back. Yeah.

That's a win for her. Absolutely. Second of all, go Bears. What'd you say?

What are you protecting the parks from? Oh, no, it's just a podcast we do all the time. We didn't have a name for it, but Ari was trying to protect a park, so we started calling it Protect Our Parks. But it didn't work. He didn't protect the park. They cut all the trees down. We failed. Could you ask him if Meat Wig's still alive? Is Meat Wig still alive?

Meat Wig is still alive, but it's not an outdoor cat anymore. It lives over at the Quiet House. He's convalescing in his old years. Shane was telling some story about him and Sam Todd. They were blasted on mushrooms, and they had this idea that your dog ate your cat, and then you were trying to tell the dog no, and they thought it was hilarious. Douglas, I love you.

I love you. Go back to it. Okay. Bye. I'll talk to you soon. Come to Austin. Come to Austin. I am. When are you coming? As soon as I buy the ticket. Okay. Come. Come. Come. I want you here in July. Can you come in July? Diaz is coming. I want you to come the week Diaz is coming. We'll hook it up. We'll do shows together. Let's have fun.

All right. Bye. Yay. Bye. Sweet boy. I love when you try to convince someone of something. Like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Doug's the best. I have a list of reasons why you're like, no, I'm already in. Yeah. Doug's the best. That was awesome. He's the best. All right. I was a little off with the story. No, you were so good. The bones are there. Pretty on. 30 years versus one year is a big gap. It's a big gap. I want to say that. Also, I was sad at a lady who was in her 50s getting fucked in the ass. I was like, don't do that.

That part of me made me sad. Nashville and Chicago, a meaningless detail. It's a mistake. This is how the Bible was written. Chad Daniels told me this story. Chad's on the podcast team because of Ari. Dude, Chad's a killer. Yeah, because they reached out. I was like, okay, let's go. It's about time. It's so funny. Joe reached out like, hey, is this person funny? And sometimes you don't know them. You're like, I have no idea. Other times you hate them and you're just like,

I don't really know them. And then other times you'd be like, that guy fucking rules. He's the best. He's the real deal. That's what he said about Chad. So I was like, let's go. We just did Fully Loaded together. He's ripping every night. Oh, nice, nice, nice, nice. Yeah, he's on the train. Tony's out there with Burt right now doing Fully Loaded. Oh, there you go. He's like, what am I doing with my life?

It's fun, but you do activities. You got to do activities. You don't have to. You don't have to. You can say you've witnessed me. Shane is always the best. I got to do it. Hey, Shane, welcome to society. You're awake. What do you want to do? Get the fucking camera out of my face. Okay, we're moving on. Why would we ever film on a

What kind of activities they try to get you to do? It's like we're doing unicycles today. You're like yeah Is everything documented? Yeah, there's always a camera and I go it's still making cameras out of you Bert is still making up for not being part of tourgasm and he just trying to No, Bert is making up for the fact that he wasted so much time on that stupid Travel Channel show no tickets sold from that. Oh

None. Zero. I called Bert up once. I was in the main room of the comedy store. I called Bert up, and I was waiting to go on stage. I was like, what's Bert up to? And I call, and he's like, hey, I'm on a video.

I'm in Vietnam on a motorcycle. I'm drunk. I'm having the best time. I go, Bert, listen to me. You got to get off that show. I go, that show's a velvet prison. It's a velvet prison. Velvet prison. Yeah. You got to remember what a velvet prison is. It's a nice thing. It's like what writers get. They get a velvet prison. So you're writing on a show, and then when the show has a fucking actors, writers guild strike, you're fucked for like six months. You have no money coming in. And then you try doing stand-up again. I'm like, you got to be...

the master of your own domain. You can't do this. You're a great guy. You're hilarious. You're great on podcasts. You should do your own podcast and you should make money off of that and doing stand-up.

If you don't know who Burt Kreischer is, he's one of those two fat guys driving a unicycle. He's the pregnant man emoji on your iPhone. And the tour is so fun. It's so fun. He's fun. The activities, I'm always a fucking wet blanket. People hate on Burt. I'm always like, no, fuck that. It's so fun. People hate on Burt because I think he overpromotes.

Yeah, if birthday activities weren't recorded, they would be hella fun. Well, you know, we went deep-sea fishing last week. We were in South Carolina. Remember when we worked out with The Rock? We worked out The Rock. One of the things I said, I said, let's do no cameras. Let's just have fun. Yeah. So we all came in. We all worked out. Oh, deep-sea fishing is fun. There it is. Where were you guys? South Carolina. We caught a couple sharks. We caught a redfish. Oh, nice.

That's nice. Hey, drag it on the boat. This is noon, by the way. That's a good time, though. We did that at Norman's bachelor party. I'm always glad we went. I got one more piss. Fishing is a good time. We did it at Norman's bachelor party, and that's when Bert ruled where there's no cameras there. It was just like, I'm making activities for you. That was too hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was too hard. The key is moderation. The key is don't be fucking promoting every minute of every day. It's not that fun.

Yes, exactly. It's not fun for the people. And also the people that are like paying attention to your social media, like...

Stop! Leave me alone. Stop being so goddamn needy. Sure, but I gotta tell you, these are great gigs. He's got the best crowds. Killer crowds. You go get drunk, then you get back on the bus to drive to the new gig, and it's me, Dave Attell, Soder, Big Jay, and it's just a great crew, and we're talking shit, and we're smoking cigar. It's a beautiful thing. Bus life is very fun. What do you think about a mothership comedy festival? Now?

Now you're talking. Buddy, if there was a number above 100%, I would give it to you. Let's do it, buddy. I've been thinking about doing that. Where? Here. But do it right here. Why would I go anywhere? I'm not going anywhere. Even if you don't buy these theaters, you can get them involved. Yeah. There's a thousand... Yes. The answer is yes. The whole other town. I just want everybody here for a...

Yes. You can have restaurants involved. We're kind of doing it every week anyway. Experimental show. But you do other shows. You can do weird shows. I'll do my storytelling show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. You'll do like fun, weird, interesting people. Bottom of the barrel. Brian Simpson in front of a giant crowd. Do like never before done shows. Yeah. Kill Tony. Riffing shows. I've been thinking about a lot of different ways to expand. Like we're doing so well. It's like-

It's almost like we have too many people that want to come versus tickets that are available. Yeah. And I'm like, I want to expand. That's why a second A-level headliner room would be great. Yes. I want not just an A-level headliner room. I want a theater. Yeah. But that on top. Yeah. I think a theater is the move. And I think once we get the theater, then we do like a second Westwood type comedy store. I love it. We do Mothership West. Love it. I got on the plane. By Esther's Follies. Check in like three minutes before my flight, you know.

I get frazzled, get on the plane. Norman's there. I'm like, oh, you're on the plane. We're great. We're talking about it. We used to come to Austin only for opening for you or Moon Tower. Or Moon Tower South by. And that was a fucking party. And now it's a party every time. Anytime you want to come. So why not come a day early? Why not stay a day late? It's a party. Yeah.

You're not here by yourself with the old Cap City where you're like, well, I'm alone. It's time to get out of here. Tyler Fisher just moved here, too. He's a funny guy. We're going hard. I feel like there's more room. I really do. I feel like there's more room, and I want to keep this process of developing new comics. You need another club, though. It's too much. It's overloaded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the idea is we're going to do other clubs.

I think we're going to keep going. I think we've only been open a year, man. Whoa. It's crazy. We've been open one year, and so the next stage, I think stage two is a theater. Stage three is a second club, like a little bit further out.

And we just keep going. Yeah, a little further, a little away. And everybody's going to benefit. Capsidia will benefit. Everybody will benefit. The whole idea is make this the best playground possible for comedy. There we go. Now we're talking. Best playground possible. You guys keep talking about how it's the best scene. I think we've already kind of accomplished something that I never would have imagined we'd be able to pull off. And I think it happened because the fucking universe made it possible. All the things had to take place. I had to have the Spotify money.

LA's falling apart. The comedy store's closed down. All those employees were available. Everybody wanted to move. We started doing shows with Dave outdoors. Then we started doing live shows indoors at Vulcan. All the things like Ron White was already here. So the Godfather was already here. Ron White was here before the pandemic.

We were talking about, too, the outdoor shows. You had to go down to zero and then up to an outdoor show. You couldn't go down to an outdoor show. You had to go to, like, there is no comedy. No shows. And then accept, oh, outdoor, not bad. Exactly. And when Dave and I was doing those shows, it was like everybody had to be tested. So we tested everyone. You had to get there an hour and a half before the show. Everybody got a test. We sent a bunch of people home that had COVID. It's got a refund? No. I know. I'm joking.

That was at Stubbs? Mm-hmm. Yeah. But once we started doing shows at the Vulcan, I was like, oh my God, we're never going back. Because it was indoors. And the roar, the feeling of all the... And the Vulcan is like all hard surfaces, so everything's like

and when you would crush on stage. Ron White came off stage and he grabbed my shoulders, grabbed both of my shoulders hard, and he goes, whatever the fuck we have to do, we're going to keep doing this. You got to open up that club. It was like a moment in a movie. And I was like, we're opening up a club. 100%. It was so cool. We had already started talking. We had already started talking about opening it. Because once I got here, I was like, damn. The Vulcan's beautiful. It's a fucking awesome place. But it's just not set up right. I don't own it.

I can't just let it go crazy. I can't set up a system of open micers and showcases. We've got to have a regular club. Shut up. You suck. Don't do it, Ari. Go pee out there, you fucking idiot. Listen, I'll tell you this. Are you peeing now? Next time, yes, but it's already pinched. We've got to get you a catheter. This is out of control. I'm Jewish. Have you pissed yet? No. You and I. The last of the Mohicans. Yeah, you had three...

Shots of fucking... Tequila. Yeah. I had two espressos. I had three... You can hold and pee to the death. Three beers. I had a... Well, it's just my body's trained from doing so many podcasts. I'll challenge you. Are you over pissing? Ari. Why do you do this? This isn't cool. No, I wasn't over pissing. There was a hole in it. I'll still... You son of a bitch. I'll still shuck and pee. Piss on the ground? Did you get pissed on the ground? A lot. How much piss did you get on the ground? Wipe it up. I'm sorry.

He whipped his balls out on the Lauren Compton show. Did you really? I told him I'm not allowed legally anymore. You've got to get a new bit. I'm not allowed legally anymore. You've got to get new material. Who told you you're not allowed? The LAPD. What'd they say? They said, you can never do that again. LAPD? Yeah, after the forum show. Really? Los Angeles Penis Department. How'd they phrase it? What? How'd they phrase it? They called me. We talked to a lawyer. Pulled up the Iron Dome. They said, you just can't ever do that again.

And I'm like, what about a club and stuff? And they're like, listen, if you ever do it again, you're going to jail. Whoa! Man, Lenny Bruce. Jesus, Ari. That could be you, dude. You're an outlaw. Taking a stand. Taking your weird penis out in public. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. You're like a Judas Priest song. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. There you go, Ari.

Judas Priest was like the thing all the troubled kids in my neighborhood listened to. Yeah. Judas Priest. I think I'm going to sit around with this little boy in my brain. Cock luster. Is that a lyric? And you better think again. Out there is a fortune waiting to be had. You better let me go. You got another thing. He was a gay. Yeah, he was a gay. And he was a gay who tricked everybody into dressing like a gay biker. Ah.

He literally made that whole scene where everybody dressed like a gay biker. What was that? What was that? You got another thing coming. Whoa. Here we go. Royalties. While Ari pisses in a Bud Light bottle. I had a kid that was, like, real troubled in my high school, and this was the song that he put, like, on his, like, fucking high school yearbook. You know, he had quotes. You got another thing coming. I'm gonna live it up.

He tricked everybody into dressing like a gay biker. Stop looking at it. Jamie keeps staring at it. I didn't make sure you were still going. I didn't know you were still going. I'm looking at the screen like, what is he doing? Rap existed when I was in high school. Rap existed when I was in middle school. But it wasn't like mainstream. Sugar Hill Gang. Yeah, that's not rap. It existed, but we didn't know about it. No, we knew about that show. Oh, you knew? I mean, that song, yeah. And then, give me a look. Like a fool because of the case, we all died.

This is the rebel song of my high school. He's gay. Big gay. Dude, put your fucking dick away. Bro, he wasn't just gay. He was gay, like, leather bicycle outfit. It does sound gay.

What the fuck is that? Are you done? I'm done. Wipe it out. You gotta get rid of those piss bottles. You can't be sleeping here for Jamie. Did you pee on the table? You son of a bitch. That's beer. You liar. That's beer. How much of it is beer? What are you doing? You're sloppy. You're having a great conversation. You didn't have anything to add to it. I'll stop being mad about it. I'm sorry.

Yeah, rap, I really fell in love with rap when I was on the road. When I started doing stand-up, because I'd be driving to gigs, listening to Cool G rap, and the old days, like 90s hip-hop, Nas.

Like, that's when I really got into rap. Hip-hop is dead. It's not. Rock is... It's a not... It's a not... It's a not song. I'm singing it. It's funny. That's what the kids listen to Judas Priest that were losers. We had, like, Marilyn Manson. Yeah. If a kid was listening to that, you'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. Devil worshiper. Yeah.

Marilyn motherfucking Hanson. We had a jelly roll popped onto the fully loaded, and that was fun. He's an animal. That fucking dude is so fun. He's such a good dude. He's always at the store. Or the mothership. Oh, really? Basically, he's at the store. Wow. It's a new version of the store. There's a reason to...

Front windshield is bigger than the back windshield. Look forward, not backwards. Theo Vaughn's version of him is hilarious. Really? Theo does an impression of Jelly Roll. You ever see him? No. Jelly Roll's inspirational speeches. Find that. He doesn't just win an award. He's got to be like, everyone needs to get better. He's like, Theo Vaughn. He was doing it in the green room the other day. We were on the floor. We were crying. Theo Vaughn, he's got compilations on YouTube. He's so quick. He's so funny, man. He's so funny. He's coming here in July.

He's going to be here in July, and he's going to look for houses. Here we go. Right now, there's somebody stuck under a bridge. There's somebody out there who's got a size 11 foot and a size 8 tennis shoe. And I just want to say, you can live your dream. I want to tell you that the wind sound is

Every time Jelly gets in a war, man, he just, he's so full of feelings, bro. He gets up there and he's just like, I just want, I want to tell you.

That's it. Beautiful. More than just feelings. Yeah. It's a lot going on. There's a lot of things happening there. Great guy. He's been to prison. Really? Yeah. Yeah, the real deal. Yeah, I think that's why he's so nice. Yes. Very nice guy. I think he's so nice. He's so full of love. I think it's because he's experienced so many fucking shit moments in his life, and now he's realizing. You're done, right? Yeah, I'm done. All right. Please. Yeah, he's a good dude. He looks like if Ralphie May had like a...

Post Malone filter. Well, I hope we don't lose him. Post Baloney. Being that big is dangerous. Yeah. You know, whenever we lose people that are so awesome like Patrice or Ralphie or this, fuck, man, that's controllable.

Yeah, super fat guys. It's like the Indus. It's always coming man. It's coming scary stuff Some of those guys, you know Joey lost a lot of weight. Joey was big at one point. Oh, yeah But you know what's crazy is like that coincided with Joey becoming amazing Joey was like Billy a football player when I first met Joey was like Billy got thug fat became this you mean associate with him becoming amazing No, he became fat and then he became insanely funny. I

It all happened at the same time. Like, Joey, when I first met him, was, like, fresh out of prison. And I was on news radio, and he was at the store, and I met him, and I, like, bring him to the news radio, and he'd be, like, fucking... He would go into, like, there was the green room that was only for the executives, and Joey would go in there and eat all the shrimp. He was just fucking good. And he'd be like, who is this guy? Because he just... He's not... He was a fucking house, man. He was a big dude. Like, big, like...

thick, strong. And, you know, I... He fucking... He was this guy that, like, I knew guys like him from New York. Are you pissing again? No. What are you doing? Shitting. I'm making sure everything's safe on the floor. Oh, okay. Ay-yi-yi. But he was like...

When I was in LA, I was like, God, I was so used to East Coast people that West Coast actor people, it was like they were poison ivy. They're very, very weird. I was so confused. Coming from the comedy scene of New York, coming from Dangerfields and working with Otto and George and Rich Voss and all these animals, and then all of a sudden I'm in LA with these fucking weirdos. It's odd. The weirdest thing about LA comics was none of them knew sports at all.

Well, it's like aliens. They were just pretending to be people. Dude, I don't know sports. But you had some sports you like. They were like, I don't do that. Dude, I literally don't even know the rules. Yeah, but you know UFC at least. Yeah, but the one thing. But back then, that didn't even exist. Back then, when I first came to LA, there was no UFC.

At least you were in a pool. Boxing. Something. Yeah, I was into combat sports. I was into kickboxing. I knew I could tell you obscure Muay Thai guys, but I didn't know anything about sports, and people would always give me shit about it. It was like, who won the Super Bowl? I'm like, when is that? What is that? It's over. That's why we're asking. Like, oh. That must have been weird in Boston growing up, not knowing the Bruins, the Celtics, the Pates. I don't give a fuck.

I didn't give a fuck. Really? Damn. I actually didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to. No, I didn't care. Even chicks care. I didn't care. I mean, the WNBA? Yeah, but I was just like, no. I'd be so sick of Joe. I'd be willing to pick the WNBA. That'd be my thing. Angel Reese. Yeah. Isn't it funny that beef is the only thing that's bringing all the attention to the WNBA? It's a lot of lesbians. A lot of lesbians getting mad. They like that roast beef. Let it be Lesbos.

Let it be lesbos. Let them be who they are. They want to fight. They want to be lesbians. She's getting pushed around. Boys, it's time to get some food and do some fucking jokes. Yeah. Well, actually, it's a little early. It's at 516. Yeah. It shows at what, eight? Want to keep going? We could bong one more. No, it shows at seven. We could bong one more for the boys. Oh, it shows at seven. We should bong one more with these. I like these things. Tilt. You got to tilt it down. Tilt the world. I agree.

Alright, tilt it. Well... How many piss cans you got over there? I'm gonna take care of them. But, five. You know what we haven't played in a long time, boys? What? Free Bird. Oh shit! If we're gonna go America... Yeah, just start it now. We're gonna go full Bud Light, full America, full Kid Rock. How much piss did you leave on the floor? Dude, what the fuck? What are you doing? You're rapping what? What?

Put that in the garbage. Fuckin' weirdo. Help me, I can't change. Wow, wow. So good. So good. Look at these guys, man. They're the kings. Yeah, look at the Dixies behind them. Wait, wait, Joe. Wait, wait, Joe.

Jesus. Then there's another one. Norman. Bring it on, fatty. That's how you do it. It's slightly cracked. Oh, shit. It's okay. If there was one concert that I could ever go see. Let's get the regular version. Can you play it not live? What are you doing? Oh, the regular version of it? Yeah. Yeah, but so good, though, to watch it live. Yeah, live is so good. But keep going. Keep going with that, Jamie.

Keep going with that live version because I want to see people dancing. Look at them all having a fucking time of their lives. God damn, man. No fake tits. Tits on YouTube. Real tits. No black people either. Holy shit. Oakland. I still maintain. That's Oakland? Yeah. This is the greatest guitar solo in the history of the world. Yeah.

They're going nuts! They got nothing else! You know, when they opened up for the Rolling Stones, the Rolling Stones were shitting their pants when this was going on. Really? They were like, "Goddamn!" And they weren't supposed to go out onto the lip, and they went out onto the lip. And they're like, "Fuck it." Wait, they told them not to? Yeah, they told them not to, and they're like, "Fuck you!" They're like, "We're performing." Look at that skinny twink! Just ripping! And all white! Goddamn, this is good!

I do like the founding fathers looking down like, we did it. Look at the crew. And they're from Florida. That's right. Jacksonville. Florida. Duval. Florida. Is that where Limp Bizkit's from?

Those ladies never been to a CrossFit class in their life. That's pre-Ozembek. That's Denny's body by Denny's. That guy's 15. Here it goes. All right.

How did they all stay so skinny? Because they were doing this all night. Cocaine. Look at that guy. It's a rail. It's like a tampon. They weren't eating processed foods. Ah. I can see the bulge. God damn. God damn, this is good. What a country. Let's go.

Look at these motherfuckers. Open leather vest. Yeah, leather pants. Leather pants, leather hat. With the drawstring. Oh, man. Base players ripping it. Ripping. What are these guys doing now? Well, there's a plane crash. Plane crash, Mark Norman. Fucking 9-11. They flew right to the tower. Here comes the jump. Here comes the jump.

Cocaine. Look at that fucking crowd. Imagine having to follow this. Oakland has changed. Imagine having to follow this. Take an intermission. We should go on. You got to play brown sugar after this. That guy is fucked up. What the fuck? That one guy is just standing there like, what is happening? What am I seeing? God, so many orders. Have you ever seen a more enthusiastic crowd? No. I got one. What? Enter same in Moscow. Oh.

Pulling up. 91, Moscow. Jamer. Isn't that like 500,000 people? Bro, it's the fall of the Soviet Union. We sent rock and roll over there just to be like. We sent metallic. Yeah, wait till you see this. Oh my God. 91, Moscow. The lightning storm they had. Yes, it was sick.

White piano. If there was a time, though, that I could go back in time and see a concert, this would be it. This might be the best con- Dude, there's a part in this video where a soldier takes his- He's like, unbuttons his uniform, and he's just like- 91. 91.

This is a year after Heil Honey, I'm Home. This is, uh... Let it play. Is this right? This is art. Yes, this is it. Wow, Inner Salmon, live Moscow, 1991. Let it play. Let it play, J-Mo. Oh, shit. Pre-Putin. Look at how many people there are. Look at the soldiers. Soldiers everywhere. How many people are out there? Wait for it, dude. I'm gonna drink to this. America's number one.

Oh, he's still hot and young. Before Napster. Before Napster! He's still happy. Yeah, he should have shut the fuck up about Napster. Relax, bro. You're a punk. Oh, shit. He's got the squat going. Oh, my God. Look at this crowd. Look at the crowd! Whoa! Look at the crowd! That's fully loaded 2028. Outdoor gig. Oh, shit! He's getting fired. Oh, my God!

I'm ready to run through a fucking wall! This hair shake on my guy's dick. What happened to rock and roll? What do we got, Coldplay? Here we go! Pyrotechn- oh shit! Get Joe a beer, for Christ's sake! God damn! Woo! Look at that fucking crowd! Sleep with one eye open!

This is why YouTube's great. Yeah.

The only concerts that come close is like, uh... What else you got? Queen. Wembley, Queen. Wembley, Queen, obviously. Billy Joel in Russia, when they're trying to tell him, like, turn it, like, stop people from dancing, and he goes, shut the fuck up! Stop bothering them! Billy Joel? Yeah, and he's like, throwing his piano over. Where was this? Stop bothering them! Billy Joel's awesome. In Russia. Yeah, that was sick. Yeah, he won't do that now. Brittany Griner taught a lot of people a lesson. About fucking around in Russia. He goes, stop! Stop shining a light on them! Ha ha.

She did her time. Like a man. Like a man. Yeah, Wembley, Queen. That's the biggest one. Is that the line? You know what the sickest one is, is...

It's Axl Rose. I've been watching those. I get mad. I saw Axl Rose in Greece. It's Axl Rose in Athens. Yeah, I saw Guns N' Roses in Athens. Sick. I was there in a restaurant. Colonel Clink. And I ran into Axl Rose. He was at a restaurant. Yeah. Damn.

Damn. Just randomly. I was eating dinner. Axl Rose eating? Yeah. And a friend of mine, my friend Brian, Brian Murorescu, he saw him and he was like, Axl Rose is here. I tried to say hi to him. He's like, they should. And I'm like, damn, I wonder if Axl knows who I am. Like, should I go say hi? Yeah. And I had to walk by his table. Yeah. And I was a little drunk. And I walked by his table and I was like, hey man, what's up? And he had this look on his face and he was like, oh,

Hey, what's up? And I was like, fuck, he knows my name. That's so sick. We started talking. He's telling me bits that I did. He knew. He watched some of my Netflix specials. He's like, you want to come to the show? I was like, fuck, yeah, I want to come to the show. And so the next night, we saw Axl Rose and fucking Slash and Guns N' Roses. We were backstage. Where? In Athens, in Greece. What year? Last year. You saw him at a restaurant? I saw him at a restaurant. Random. Welcome to the restaurant.

Just fucking fully random I Took my whole family see guns and roses. No, there's one Daughters get it. Oh, they love it. My youngest is a fan of Guns N' Roses. Damn

It's so funny, all the hardcore rock becomes kids music 20 years later. Isn't that weird? Well, you know, like when I was in high school, everybody was into the Doors. Like, I was in high school in the 80s, and the Doors were in the 60s. Yeah. Like, that's how it works. Like, you find the cool shit. What was the cool shit back then? You know, everybody was into Zeppelin, the Doors, ACDC, 60s music.

And cars. Like, nobody gave a fuck about, like, when I was in high school, nobody gave a fuck about a 1984 car. They wanted 60s cars. That's true. You see a kid now, a Gen Z, he's got a Nirvana shirt on. 100%.

Yeah, they don't know what it means. No. Dude, I remember the first time I heard Nirvana. There was a kid that lived in my neighborhood that used to steal car radios. And I was buying a car radio from him. Nice. It was back when they had those Blanc Punk stereos that would pull out. Oh, yeah. I remember those stolen. Really? I bought a stolen one, and I installed it myself. Oh, you did the wires? That's how he got connected.

And so I was over this dude's house. I was over this dude's house with my friend Jimmy. And he's like, you got to listen to this, man. Listen to this shit. This is the new shit. It was Nirvana. And we were like in his house. We're like, whoa. It was a different sound. It was like a different grunge. What is this? And it killed hair bands. Killed them. Like poison. And then Cordy Love killed him. It poisoned Poisoned.

Poison, poison. Shout out to Cairnsbury. Allegedly, she did that. Say allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. It's really important. You ever see that documentary? Yeah, yeah. She allegedly definitely did it. She killed him. Allegedly. What is this? What is this? Library Reading. Library Reading was great. 1992. Yeah. One of the most epic concerts of all time, apparently. Really? You guys are fucking me in the ass. Pull it up.

I remember the first time I heard that, I was like, holy shit. They were so different. It was the real deal. He fucked a retard in high school. Yeah, they made that documentary on HBO about it. I was like, unfortunate. I fucked a retard. No documentary about me. Oh, Mark. It will be after this.

It was a different sound. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I love this. Should we do this all the time? Great head. Get a big head. Great head. Oh, Jesus. All right. There's like times in history where like new sounds emerge. And usually it's because of drugs. Uh-huh. Right? Or somebody went back to the future.

Ooh. This is the sound. Like Hendrix. When I work with Phil Hartman, Phil Hartman was a... Cleaning pools? No. He used to work at Whiskey of Go-Go when he was like 18 years old. What? Get out of here. Phil was in charge of making sure that the speakers didn't fall off the stage. What? So Hendrix, because Whiskey had a little stage...

And Hendrix was on stage, and Phil's job when he was 18 years old was to stand there and keep his hands up in case, like, someone went crazy and kicked the speaker and didn't fall into the crowd. What? So Phil's job was to stand on the edge of the stage, like, right there, and he said, and fucking Hendrix is right above me. So this is, like, 1969. Whoa! Ow, ow, ow.

Whoa. Wow. Holy shit. And he was like mesmerized. And I remember he was smoking pot. This was back when I didn't even smoke weed. He was smoking pot in the green room, or in his dressing room, rather, at News Radio. Wow. And he would tell me these stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He smoked? Oh, yeah. He loved to smoke weed. Wow. He would smoke weed and go to strip clubs. Wow. What? Yeah. Phil asked Hartman? Yeah. Phil Hartman took me to a strip club, and he smoked weed, and he would...

Treat the ladies as if they were displaying amazing works of art. Like, incredible. Amazing. This is amazing. I think that would fuck me up. He was so happy. If a dude next to me... I don't like when a dude next to me is horny. I don't like when a dude's next to me at all. It was so innocent. I know, but I'm saying if a dude was like...

If you knew that guy, it wouldn't bug you. If you knew him, it wouldn't bug you. But he told me the story about him. He's 18 years old and he's working at the whiskey. Hendrix was on stage in front of him. He's like, I was watching Hendrix from like four feet away.

Damn. Yeah. And it's just standing there. And this is like Hendrix when he emerged. Like all of a sudden there's like this, you think like Nirvana was a new sound? We went from Buddy Holly, love, love me do, like all that shit to Voodoo Child.

You went from that to Voodoo Child. It was bizarre. It's a big jump. Take rock and roll, add drugs, move. But people that were like rock stars would go to see him. Eric Clapton went to see him and was like, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Look at this guy. It's like a kinesin.

Yeah. Everybody's doing Cosby, and then this fat preacher shows up. Yeah. Kennison, a young comedian special, it was like Bob whatever. Saget? No, some guy with big shoulder pads. He would put balloons in his arm. This is a football player. Bob Nelson. Bob Nelson. He's like, oh. And then Saget was on there, and then Kennison was like, hey, I'm about to change everything now with these six minutes. Yep. And just be real. And then Dice sold out the garden. Yep. Yep.

Yeah, those guys. Those two guys. And they hated each other, which is crazy. Really? Yeah. That's alpha ego shit. I know. So stupid. It happens. But back then, everybody was so scared. It was all dog eat dog. There could only be one. Right. It was all like, you have to get on the Tonight Show. There's no internet. Yeah. And also, there was no like...

arena comics. They didn't exist. Steve Martin got in there and then got out. He kind of, yeah. Me and Nate went over to Spade's house for NCAA championship game, football game, and we were looking. He's got like a museum of his stuff, and it was him and Rock doing Evening at the Improv. Wow. And Nate was like, you did improvs back then? And he was like, dude,

No one did theaters then. That wasn't even an idea. You would do six days in an improv instead of two if you were successful. It wasn't even a thought that you could do it. I think Dane was the first guy that did arenas regularly. Really? Yeah. Well, maybe Dice. No, Dice. Dice for sure. Dice for sure. But nobody for 25 years. But nobody for a while. And then Dane came along and then Dane started doing arenas. When was Blue Collar?

That changed it up too. That was a little bit after that. And Kings of Comedy. And Ron White just emerged from that. Yes. Like a phoenix. When Ron White goes on stage at the fucking Mothership in Austin, Texas, they know he's from Texas. People go fucking crazy. But it's also like he's not resting on that. He's part of the reason why I'm here, man. Really? Yeah, because when Ron told me about it, he moved here in like 2017, right?

And I'd call him up and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, well, man, I fucking love it here. I don't have to travel. I can fucking fly. When I fly, it's like the middle of the country. It's great. People are nice. Food's amazing. And I was like, shit. And I started thinking, like, maybe I can live in Texas. I was like, no. You got to rethink, like, I have to be in L.A. Yeah. Back then, like, the podcast was the only thing that I'd ever done that was really, like, taken off. I was like, I can't move.

Wow. I have to stay here. That's crazy. I need my guests. You were relying on your pod. Yeah, you need your guests. You need your guests, but they'll come to you. It was weird. It was like, this is this thing that I'm doing that all of a sudden is popular. Yeah.

I never thought it was going to be. It's just like all of a sudden it happened. It wasn't a plan at all. Like Ari was there in the beginning. We opened up a laptop with a fucking webcam and like get in here. Get closer because we won't be on camera otherwise. And the whole thing was just for fun. Yeah. It was almost like I felt like a magnet was pulling me. 600 people are watching. That's so fucking cool. Then you got to get rid of Red Band. It was like a

1,000 people, 2,000 people, and then it was just streaming. Damn. I remember I was on stage at the Chicago Theater. This was like years later, and I still didn't understand how many people watched because I never looked at the numbers. I was like, I don't want to look at the numbers. I just want to do it, do my best, that's it. I'm on stage at the Chicago Theater, and it's sold out. It's like 3,700 people. So I was telling this story. I go, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? And it just went, yeah! Whoa!

And I'll never forget that day. I was like, whoa. What year was that? 2011. What? Yeah. Somewhere around then, I was like, oh, shit. That's wild. I was like, this is crazy. And then I started realizing, what am I doing? Yeah. Keep going. Keep going. Let's get a table. Don't ever ask. Just keep going. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't ask. Just keep going. I didn't know that story. That's great. It was a weird story.

Because the whole time when we first started doing it. We had microphones. Yeah, we had microphones. We did the very beginning. We had one microphone that would sit on the table. Oh, yeah, a ball mic. Yeah, and then eventually we got microphones. And then we eventually moved it into one of my spare bedrooms.

And then eventually I said, okay, too many weird, like people are coming to my house. I'm like, this can't be happening anymore. Oh, I remember that. You're like, too many porn stars around my kids. Weirdos. Too many weirdos. We got to do this at a, like some kind of like a place. Yeah, you're like, wait, you're buying a separate place to do this thing? I know. I remember people telling me, why are you spending money on this? I'm like, why do you care what I'm spending money on? What the fuck kind of question is this? Yeah. And there was no future in it.

It was like, you're wasting your time. It wasn't even like, it's like there was no money in it. No money. There was no money to be had. There was not an advertiser. There was nobody listening. So what was it? What kept driving you? It was fun. It was fun. But it was also like a magnet. I really believe there's a magnet. I think that sometimes fate pulls you into a certain direction. I used to think that's horseshit.

But I think there might be a little bit of something to that now. Like, maybe you can say that after you've done it and it's become successful. Oh, it was fate. But I don't know, man. Well, I've gone back because they're all still there. Listen to the old ones. And they're old as shit. And you get like a Bill Burr. And you guys are connecting on another level. It's wild.

weird because it's not about like oh there's a million people listening it just felt like a conversation and it was still fun but that's the thing it's like if you can just keep that and never pay attention to how many people are listening but there wasn't even an inkling of like oh wait hold on i'm not sure if this is true about doug stanhope i don't make sure it'd be like i don't know let's just say it it would just talk it in 12 people and again like half the times when you're talking you don't even know what you're saying while you're saying it like okay i gotta figure this out like make this

Sound like a real sentence. Yeah. We had no experience. And then Ari was always telling me how to edit it. Yeah. Incorrect. Incorrect. You should make it less than an hour. Incorrect. Nobody wants to watch. Nobody wants to listen. What? I was incorrect. I mean. That was a big moment. Got to be three minutes or less. That was the thing back then. People didn't think that anybody had an attention span. They're like, this is the way it goes. And then I'm like, okay, don't listen.

I'm just so stubborn. But you're also like, well, they can just stop in an hour. Yeah. But I was always just so stubborn. I was like, every time anybody's told me to do something different than my instincts, it's always been wrong. So I'm just going to not listen to anybody ever. We'd do it in between shows and then like, hey.

Hey, I got to go on. Joey and Rogan keep going. And then I get off. Joey goes on. Now me and Rogan are going. The Ice House. Yeah. And Cobbs. Upstairs at Cobbs. And then Rogan would go on and me and Joey would do it for a while. We did podcasts on a plane. How many podcasts on a plane? We did podcasts on a plane. We swapped casts. Yeah, we swapped casts. And we did it with an iPhone. We did it with an iPhone. Just recorded with the audio only. And then, god damn, the people around us were like, lower your voices. What?

What are you doing? We brought the stewardess in. The stewardess would come and talk to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of times. One of my biggest regrets is not asking her if she's ever seen someone fuck in a bathroom. Wow. How rude. I should have asked her at least. Has anybody joined the Mile High Club? Mile High. But we would, like, no one knew what the fuck it was. It's so outlaw. It's like, oh, let's just do it here. When we said it was a podcast, they were like, what does that mean? What is that? Nobody knew what it was. That would piss me off. If I was on a plane and two dudes were like, blah, blah, blah.

We're sitting in first we did one on the way we do one irregular that we did one of the way to Australia private jet there's a bunch of people we did one Open up a box of fucking muffins of

of marijuana muffins allegedly allegedly opened it up and it the whole first class was filled with the smell of weed and Joe's like what the hell are you doing bro you're gonna go to jail forever how did you do this no repercussions it didn't really happen that's why it didn't really happen because allegedly one of the beautiful things about podcasts is a lot of times we lie there's a lot of allegedly there's a lot of allegedly involved a lot of theatrical comedians

We're joking. It's like literature. It's fiction. It's a lot of fun. I got to piss. So let's end this. I beat you on the piss. I love you guys. I love you guys to death. Norman beat you on the piss? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you guys to death. You're the best. Hell yeah. Protect our parks to save the world. We love you always. Yeah, baby. God bless America. We finna. Bye. Go see Queen live.