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We are social animals. And because we have these, you know, meaningful connections, these interpersonal relationships, there's all these feelings and emotions that come up, right? We have a fear of hurting people's feelings. We have a fear of being too burdensome if we tell someone what our own needs or desires are.
We have a fear of overstepping boundaries, right? But I think I always have to ask myself, right, if I don't put myself first, who will, right? If I don't stand up for myself in these small ways, who will, right? So you have to question what does putting other people's feelings or needs over my own, how does that serve me? And oftentimes it doesn't. And I think that can be a hard reality for people to accept.
because of that people-pleasing instinct, but it's really important to ask those important questions, right? If you don't do it for yourself, no one's necessarily going to do it for you. Welcome back to Cultural Collision. I'm EJ. And I'm Victoria. Today's episode dives into a topic that resonates with many of us, the struggle to break free from the traps of societal expectations and reclaim our autonomy.
From learning to silence the noise of others' judgments to finding the courage to assert our own ideas, we'll be delving into the intricacies of self-liberation. Whether it's the subtle influence of social media or the weight of familial traditions, navigating the maze of external judgments can feel like an uphill battle. But fear not, because in today's episodes, we'll be unpacking strategies and insights aimed at empowering us on the journey of self-discovery, shedding light on how to silence the cacophony of voices around us and tune into the song of our own hearts.
So what role do societal norms and cultural expectations play in shaping our desire for external validation? So I think for me, I feel like societal norms and cultural expectations, they shape how much we seek validation from others. So especially for me, I grew up in Asian culture. There's a big emphasis on doing well academically and meeting certain expectations, right? We talk about the...
There's an episode we talked with the modern minority. We talked with Angela and she mentioned about like the childhood from other families is so performed so well in academically and also everything in like her relationship, everything is like a model. So looking for approval from like families, friends, and also society is something we often like
try to seek. And especially with the social media, when you post something on social media, whether it's on TikTok, it's on your like, WeChat moments, right? You're looking for someone to give you a like, to give you comments. And that's a whole new level. And sometimes with so much expectations and expectations,
it can cause a lot of stress as well for us as we always putting ourselves out there and hoping for someone to validate our words how do you feel yeah i agree i think that there's obviously a natural part of us that wants validation right it's important right it's necessary for us to have reassurance for us to have positive affirmation but there comes that line where it becomes
sort of all encompassing. I grew up in a first generation low income family, first generation meaning neither of my parents went to college, their parents didn't go to college. So in some ways similar to you, I think that there was always a high emphasis on education and doing well in school. I think from a cultural background, being African American, and especially my family having migrated from the South, there was this emphasis on like being
second to none, right? My dad took a lot of pride in being right and being the first at things. And so I internalized it as a part of my identity that, you know, being right was really important. You know, being second to no one was really important, doing really well in academics or my extracurriculars was really important. So it...
got really scary when you failed to live up to those expectations. It felt like it was a betrayal of self. I was like, well, I'm not being me if I am not living up to these expectations. So I think societal norms and cultural expectations play a huge role in why we seek external validation for sure. Yeah, yeah, I can totally feel that. Can you share a personal story where you felt the pressure to conform to the societal expectations and how did you respond
navigate through it? Yeah, I would say for sure, very early on, I think I just thought of this, my own sexuality and own gender presentation, right? There's growing up, I knew at a very young age that I was different than other people, that...
You know, I had an interest in boys and men as I got older, but society wanted me to be very heteronormative, to sort of follow a very specific way, you know, get married to a woman and do all of those things. And that was something that I did conform to for a really long time. I don't think I...
ended up coming out to friends until my senior year of high school. And then even going into college, it was like really nebulous. I think that that was probably the biggest example of me conforming to societal norms and expectations just to seek in and get positive validation. Yeah. What about you? That's very challenging. You like you talk to your friends, even your senior high school, thinking back. So by that time, when you talk to your friends, like, what
What kind of like difficulty have you encountered? What was challenged? What were challenges you were facing? It was challenging because I thought that by telling them that I would like maybe lose my friends or maybe they would think that I was lying to them this whole time and that I would lose trust. I was very fortunate that when I told my friends, they were like very welcoming. They were very accepting. They were like, yeah, we sort of guess we sort of knew because of, you know, whatever reasons, um,
But at the time, I was really scared. It was really hard to stand up for myself. I kind of just wanted to fit in and do what everyone else was doing, you know, even if I didn't tell them or if it never came out. There was always that fear of like being too different. And at that time, you know, coming out was still a big deal, right? It was still could get you in harm's way. So it was very, very scary at that time, for sure.
Yeah, especially when you're just like a kid and a teenager, right? It's not like when you are already an adult, you know how to deal with this, like other people's opinion, other people's advice, where other people, they look at you differently. I think yours sounds more challenging than mine. Because for me, it's like when I...
become like reach my 30s, I felt the societal pressure to get married and have kids, especially like seeing my friends following that path, right? I wasn't sure is that what I want. And despite the expectations, I chose not to let the societal norms of like, to sway me to do this, follow the path with other people do. I think for me is less challenging, because I cannot know
by then I don't want to follow that path, at least like when I was 30. And I was not in a comfortable situation, or at least like someone I was with to do this decision. So I think it is very challenging as well, because my parents used to talk to me was like, you're already 30, you should consider about getting married and having kids, right? And
Just like you said, I also have very supportive parents. So what they do, because I grew up as, I made most of my decisions by myself. So they respect me as who I am and what decisions I've made. So they only give me suggestions and advice. And I also know I'm the one to take the consequences and actually make the final decision for myself. So yeah, that was like,
Something I think I expect, like I overcome the societal expectations when I was 13. Do you feel like you still get pressure, even though it's not from your parents? Do you still like you receive pressure to get married or to have kids? And how do you deal with that, even if it's not coming from family?
I think from social level, you can see social media, you can see like people create this anxiety around you because it is the truth is when women around this age, and then you, the ability to go first is going to go down after.
After you turn to 30, right? That's the reality. And that's not the expectation. That's just the reality. You have to deal with this. You have to know what's in front of you. What's like, if you choose to go down this way, you have to really thinking, really think about it. I think it's still very challenging. It's still like things I want to consider. That's also because I want to consult on phrasing X.
Because I know at my age is something if I want, I might want to have a kid in the future, then I don't have much option. Then that's the thing I need to take. I need to take action. I need to make decision. So speaking of making decisions for yourself, how do you differentiate between healthy compromise and sacrificing your own values and desires to please others? I think we...
We don't always know what we want. So we often seek advice from other people. So we seek advice on which bag or clothes we should buy, which tour we should go on, which company to work for. That's all the small decisions where decisions are made by people around us, not technically by us.
a small like I can give a small like a example for example like I often go to have dinner with a friend and she really enjoy Chinese food I if I go out I want to try like western or different kind of food right but then I will most time I would just like follow her because she really want to try it she's really like enjoy the Chinese food so for that kind of like I think it's a healthy compromise because it's not like
a big decision is not that that doesn't align with you as a person so i think in some degrees you have to know what's important to you right like it's not a sacrifice like for example if your friend is a muslim they cannot eat um they can eat all your pork right and then you you're like i i just i need to eat pork i want to eat pork i have to eat pork then then you go with
As a Muslim, you go with this person. That's a huge sacrifice. How do you feel about the sacrifice part and the healthy compromise? Yeah, I think for me, as someone who tends to be a bit more passive and often defaults to others, I think the line can be hard to find depending on the dynamics of the relationship, right? I think you speaking about your friend, I think sometimes in a situation where it's a friend, it might be easier for me to
compromise and find a healthy middle ground. Whereas maybe if it's my parents or another elder or a boss or something like that, where the dynamics are different, where they might have perceived to be having more power or authority, I think it would be harder to
come up with healthy sacrifice. I think maybe a more personal example would be growing up with my own like fashion choices and how I would dress myself. I used to always default to school or my parents, you know, my parents are buying my clothes. I didn't really have a say, or if I did have a say, it wasn't much.
And so even after I got out of school and I stopped living with my parents, I just lived by that model, right? Wear dress code things, you know, wear things that are super versatile, wear things that are just very plain and easy that can fit into any situation. And then I got older and I got really worried about whether or not people thought I was like following trends and
And so I started chasing labels and like spending all this unnecessary money to keep up with other people. And then I got to a place where I said, well, what do I want? And what's actually important to me? And what are the values that I have? And like, it's fashion and the things that I'm wearing in line with those things. And when I realized that it wasn't, then I switched.
And so now I sort of wear whatever I want. Yes, maybe sometimes it's labeled, maybe sometimes it's not, but I'm not doing it for someone else. I'm not doing it for my parents. I'm not doing it for school. I'm not doing it so I can look like what my friends are wearing it. I'm doing it because it feels right for me. And that was a really big change for me that's probably happened over the last couple of years. Yeah.
I think something like there's a one sentence is very important because you know what you want. That's when you stop seeking advice. Or maybe sometimes we don't know what we want. Like for me, I think I stop seeking advice is from like my future, like my next steps.
It's not, I don't want other people's advice because I know, like I mentioned earlier, like you have to make this decision by yourself, for yourself. People can support you. They can, if you ask them, they'll have like thousands opinions, all different kinds of advice. They might suit you, they might not, but you are the only person to know. And you, whatever decision like I'm making for my next step is I need to take the consequences. I need to know what I want.
Just like you said, like for fashion, for clothes, for whatever in our life. So when we stop seeking advice, we're like, we don't really take others' opinions so much. It's because we know what is important for us. We talk a lot about, we care people's opinions. We ask for advice, right? So when should we care about what other people think? I think it's important to care what other people think when...
you are seeking consultation, right? When you're still figuring things out, right? Obviously there has to be that, again, that healthy line between having some understanding of what you're looking for. You might not know exactly what it is, but you should have some questions in mind. I think also if someone is coming from a place of authority, by authority, I don't mean necessarily power. I just mean in
in terms of like, maybe they have more knowledge than you. Maybe they have different experiences than you and they can come from a place of authority and speaking about experience. I think that's when it's wise to listen to someone else and their opinions and care about what they have to say because you can learn a lot from them. I think in those ways, right? When it's a relationship where you're meant to learn from them, I think you can gain a lot of insight. What about you? When do you feel like we should care about what other people think?
Yeah, I totally agree with you. For example, if I want to go to, let's say, Africa, I will consult someone who have been to Africa before, right? And their advice, their insight might be useful to talk to because they have the experience. They have more experience than you. Or at work, if I want to do something,
if we want to do the podcast right and talk to someone who have done the podcast before and they'll help you and their advice matters because they have the experience instead of like other people who around you they haven't done that before they were just like oh podcast is no one listen to podcast now is like so you spend a lot of time you don't have a lot of rewards so that doesn't worth you to do it right we have that kind of advice is not something we should take and also i think
to ask people who really care about you is very important because they genuinely care about you and they they think what best for you for example sometimes your parents ask for maybe relationship advice ask for how they when they like have challenges when they have things like like maybe you are facing the challenge they already they're already encountered before and then you can ask for the advice
And for people who always been there around for you. So if a friend been with a long time, you know, whatever happened to you, whatever, when you are in your highs or in your lows, they will be there for you. Then that's the time you can talk to them because they know you so well. And also like the competency, like we need people
the expert in a specific space or like in a specific field when we ask their advice is we know because this person, let's say, want to do AI and we have a person who's working for the AI industry for like couple years, that's the right person to seek for advice. Yeah. I have a question speaking of this, I have a question for you. So can you think about three best decisions you've made in life? That's a really good question.
It was hard to think. Just three. I would say...
My first is definitely choosing to study abroad. It was something that was really hard for me to decide to do because I was worried about what other people were going to think about being away from my friends for a long time. And especially because I actually had a dean at my school ask me why I wanted to go to China and spend time in Asia as a Black person. She was like, why don't you go to Africa or somewhere else? She's like, what's wrong with that?
And I think had I listened to her, I probably wouldn't have gone abroad. But I'm very happy that I did. I listened to what I wanted and I followed my heart. And it turned into...
some of the best 10 years of my life. So I'm very glad for that. The second thing is that I started a food and beverage business with friends. And even though we had a lot of trials and tribulations and bumpy roads and some failures along the way, that was something that we did solely for us. It was a passion project and I couldn't be any more grateful for that experience. It was wonderful being able to do that with friends.
And then the third decision I would have to say is the best one that I made was buying my house. One that you can imagine if I had opened the doors and asked everyone for their opinions, I would never have been able to get anywhere and make any progress. But I knew what I wanted. I stuck to it. I ended up finding the perfect house for me. I think really listening to myself and honoring what I wanted in the process. At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live in the house. I'm the one who has
to clean the house. I know one has to maintain the house. So why not get the house that I actually want? So I think those are all really important processes and experiences in me, you know, following what I wanted and following my own heart. Yeah. What about you? What are three of the best decisions that you've made in your life? I'm very curious. I think, Sim,
similar with you is studying I don't say studying abroad studying in Hong Kong and also work there for like studying work for two years for me it is a different experience but that decision is not like 100% only like made by me it's supported by my family and they encouraged me to do so um also I remember I also talked to um
classmates back then and he gave me the suggestion because at the beginning I wanted to study in Germany and he gave me the advice is you want to study do Germany you better go to Hong Kong it's better suitable for girls so you have like more fun and you can be enjoy like Hong Kong is not too far from home so I actually took their advice and choose Hong Kong but
I think that's one of the best decisions I made with people, other people's advice and suggestions. I take their suggestion. And the second one, I think, is starting the podcast. So I think this is something I really as a passion project. I really enjoy doing this. And I really hope like this podcast can help more than just you and I and more the people who listen to this podcast.
And third one is, I think it's funny to say it's moving to Singapore, even though I've been through a lot of challenges, like we talked about before is like, I don't have any friends here and I don't really know people here and how to open my social circle and how to deal with this, all the challenges.
But still, I feel like it's one of the best decisions I made. And this year, this one year of experience helped me grow a lot. And that's the decision I made by myself. I want our listeners to really think about what's the three best decisions you made in life. And does that decision influence the people around you or is just made by yourself?
Then you are confident. I think the three examples you gave us are really, really good because you know that's something you deeply want and then you made the decision.
And then you can come to realize, oh, I don't really need people's advice. I don't need to take people's opinions so seriously because I know what I want. So thinking of getting to a place where we can say, this is what I really want. Why do you think saying no can be particularly challenging in certain situations? You know, do you think that there are certain misconceptions by saying no? And if so, how can we overcome them? I think.
We are all social animals. We are people pleasers. And it's hard for everyone to say no. I think that's common for everybody. And if our friends invite us to dinner, we say no, then we are afraid they're not going to invite us anymore. And then we will be abandoned. Right? We're like,
If you say no, they will feel, oh, you're just rude or like you are selfish. You just do whatever you want. So you, you say no to me, right? And also something sometimes we can say, we can feel is like we're concerned about damaging the relationship, right? Like if someone asks for help, should I just say yes, even though I don't want to do it? I think that sometimes is like aligned with everyone, right?
I start to learn this. I was like, I don't, I keep learning to say no to the things I don't want to do, or I really don't have time. So like it's a sacrifice, right? I feel it's a sacrifice to do or to say yes. And then I realized it's really important to set boundaries. It's not really afraid of damaging the relationship is to set boundaries. And then they will know what kind of favor they can ask.
Even though it's like meet up with a friend. If you think this time is really important for you, for example, I have my, I have, I need to book block this time for me time to do self reflections, to read books, right? Or just say no to your friends and tell them like, this is important to you. If they don't understand and they get angry with you, then you need to think about this friendship.
Right. That's which means maybe this is not that important. How about you? Yeah, I totally agree with everything that you're saying. We are social animals. And because we have these, you know, meaningful connections, these interpersonal relationships, there's all these feelings and emotions that come up.
right? We have a fear of hurting people's feelings. We have a fear of being too burdensome if we tell someone what our own needs or desires are. We have a fear of overstepping boundaries, right? But I think I always have to ask myself, right, if I don't put myself first, who will, right? If I don't stand up for myself in these small ways, who will, right? So you have to question what does putting other people's feelings
or needs over my own, how does that serve me? And oftentimes it doesn't. And I think that can be a hard reality for people to accept because of that people-pleasing instinct. But it's really important to ask those important questions, right? If you don't do it for yourself, no one's necessarily going to do it for you. Exactly. I want to emphasize that.
Make sure priorities has your own feelings, your own well-being and time. But understanding that saying no to certain things allow you to focus on what truly matters and prevent burnout. This is very important for you. You need to understand. So as we also like it's a long process, we need to keep learning and to
I think from now on, the goal for us is to say no more. So what strategies can individuals employ to assert boundaries without feeling guilty? And how people can cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth to resist the pressure of people pleasing? Do you have any advice, any suggestions? Yeah. So one strategy that I have, and I think this is something particularly when you're going into business
big conversations with people where maybe you need to set a boundary or maybe you are going into a conversation about compromise, it's always write it out in practice.
Right. I know it seems weird to like write out a conversation that you haven't had with someone, but it allows you to gather your thoughts. It allows you to make sure that you're not talking just out of an emotional reaction or emotional response. It's really important to write things out and practice, particularly if you are someone who's maybe not the best with words or if you're more of an introvert. I think it's really important to practice writing things out.
And I think the second thing is don't give an easy out. I think oftentimes when you're a people pleaser, you'll say things like, I really want to do X.
But it's okay. We can do whatever you want to as well, or whatever's easiest for you. And we give an easy out for that person to change instead of putting our fit down and standing on things. So I would say don't give an easy out. You know, if you say you want something or you say that you need something, that's it. Don't give yourself an easy out and don't give them an easy out. What about you? I think the reason we are really easy to be persuaded, we're like, we're saying yes.
Because we allow ourselves to be. We don't set the boundary clearly for us, how people should interact with us, how people request something from us. So we always say yes. Then people will say, oh, you are like very...
flexible person. And whatever I ask, you will say yes. And people will just get asking more and more. Then at some point, you're going to be feel like you got burned out by this person because you allow yourself to be. It's very important to know what you want. It's when you have the boundary, when you know what you want, then I think it's easier to say no. I think that's also for me as well. When someone asks you to do something, you
hesitate, right? Sometimes you just say yes, because it's a small favor. You can do it where you want to do this, right? But when it's something you just hesitate, think twice. Do you really want to do this? Does this align with your personal growth? Like does it align with your
character with your like, is it within your boundary? Or it's like something in the out is out of your boundary, just clear about what your value don't the opinions when the popular people's requests, don't let them become your reality. Yeah, I think that's so true, especially because people learn to treat us the way we allow them to treat us.
And so it's not like they're necessarily doing it on purpose, but like you said, if you always have flexible boundaries or porous boundaries, or you let people step over your boundaries, then subconsciously they're going to learn that you don't have boundaries and they can treat you however. So that's so important. Yeah. I think it's also, sometimes it's very hard to set your boundary at the beginning because we are people pleasers, right? And then we'll try to
please people at the beginning I think that's totally fine don't be afraid like say yes in the beginning but with the time goes down you have more like deep connection with this person and you you need to
know if this person wants you to like develop more time or really become a really good friend so it also depends on what kind of like request they ask from you so you have to balance and then you have to to set your boundaries after maybe you get well with each other and you have got familiar with each other
Okay, that's a wrap for today's episode of Culture Collision. We hope you found inspiration and insight in our exploration of autonomy and self-liberation. Remember, your journey towards self-liberation is not a sprint, but a marathon. Embracing authenticity and prioritizing your happiness isn't selfish, it's an act of self-love and empowerment.
Join us next time as we continue to navigate the ever-evolving landscape of culture and society. Until then, stay curious and keep embracing the beautiful collection of cultures that make our world so vibrant. Bye! Bye!