Reframing Self Sabotage
The Positive Pants Podcast
Shownotes Transcript
Reframing Self Sabotage
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Self sabotage, we all do it!
It will absolutely stop you having what you really want for your life.
That’s why I'm so passionate about helping people overcome it because it really doesn’t have to be that way.
You’re here so I know mediocre is not your thing. So let’s go about making sure you can have, be and do whatever you want because it’s there for the taking.
Once you get past the pesky mind gremlins!
So what is self sabotage in the first place?
The definition of ‘sabotage’ is to intentionally destroy something.
So self-sabotage is when you intentionally (consciously or unconsciously) perform behaviours that directly get in the way of your desired outcome.
Insert...take actions (or don’t take actions!) that squash your dreams, relationships, opportunities, friendships...the whole kit and caboodle.
When you don’t understand it, or can’t see the patterns, there is no choice other than for self sabotage to happen.
In your business, in relationships, situations, with opportunities, etc etc.
The vast majority of people really beat themselves up for it.
They believe it’s something inherently ‘wrong’ with them.
With their personality.
With who they are at their core.
The self talk is incredibly negative, and often hostile towards ourselves.
The hurt, frustration and upset that we put ourselves through wishing we were different, believing it’s something inherently wrong with us.
The assumptions, generalisations and distortions that we make, the actions we do or don’t take that stop us getting what we want or that take it away.
But, here’s the thing with self sabotage.
It’s NOT your fault!
It’s NOT an ingrained personality trait.
You’re not broken.
You’re not ‘wrong’
It’s time to drop the shame associated with self sabotage.
So here’s the reframe.
You’re actually protecting yourself.
And you’re just really really effective at it!
It’s not something you’re consciously choosing but you CAN consciously choose to do something about it.
It’s an automatic defence to something your mind and body perceive to be ‘unsafe’. It’s protection. It’s literally keeping you ‘alive’!
The behaviour will have ‘worked’ for you in the past and been repeated and repeated unconsciously over time, so when you want to consciously do a completely different, often opposite, behaviour...no wonder it’s so tough!
This is why we need to make the unconscious conscious.
So you can change the pattern and rewire it in a way that’s actually going to allow you to get what you want.
Observe your thoughts, don’t BE your thoughts.
Look at everything with curiosity. ‘Hmmm, I wonder where that belief came from’ or ‘hmmm, I wonder why I reacted that way’. Or, ‘hmmm I wonder why I did or didn’t take that action’.
There’s a reason for everything, it all comes from somewhere and is all something you learned along the way. It’s not who you are.
Be aware of your triggers.
Be aware of your patterns.
Be aware of what you’re feeling in your body when the self sabotage occurs.
It’s all connected.
Some of it can be really subtle but when you know that every thought leads to an emotion, every emotion leads to an action (or no action) then that generates your results and reinforces your beliefs...you can see how easy it is to do.
You’ve simply GOT to become aware of these things.
Especially when you want to achieve something big in your life. When you want to do something brave or scary or outside your comfort zone.
If you want to have the successful business, the great relationship, the close friendships.
Or you’ll have all the fun with procrastination, overwhelm, stress.
The less obvious things like eating junk or drinking alcohol.
Talking of alcohol that was probably my favourite way to sabotage relationships in my 20s, my goodness I could tell you some stories ha!
So many different ways to self sabotage but it all has the same inevitable result of you getting further away from what you want.
Think...missing a deadline for a piece of work.
Turning up late for something.
Not put your full effort into something.
Not take an opportunity that’s staring you in the face.
Not letting an ideal client know you could help them.
Not doing something you know makes you feel good.
Doing something you know makes you feel bad.
Not finishing a project and moving onto another so you’re left with about 25 unfinished great ideas and nothing to show for it.
Not using a service you’ve paid for and wondering why you aren’t further along.
Pivoting your business all the time and not sticking with one thing for long enough for it to actually work.
SO...MANY...WAYS!
BUt...it IS something you can change.
It’s work. It can be hard to do on your own. Not impossible but HARD.
You’re working against yourself every step of the way.
Your brain is going to send you ALL the thoughts, all the excuses, all the reasons why not, or why not now, all the negative self talk it can muster up to throw at you.
But you need to and CAN dissociate from it.
See it for what it is and move forwards in spite of it.
It’s not about it not happening because it will.
You need ways to identify your ego.
Ways to regulate your emotions and your nervous system.
Ways to bring the unconscious into the conscious.
It’s AWESOME...it really is, but it’s not for the faint hearted.
If you’re cool with living with mediocre there’s absolutely no judgement here.
But if you’re not...I implore you to start digging deep because EVERYTHING you want is on the other side of the things causing the behaviour.
So what causes it in the first place?
Your existing beliefs, your self esteem, experiences you’ve had, things that have been said to you in the past, early childhood trauma and pain, your primary caregivers beliefs in themselves and attitudes towards you, teachers, friends, media, a whole lifetime of assumptions, deletions, distortions and generalisations and your brain and nervous systems primary function being safety.
There is so much to the subject of self sabotage...I mean we’re on about 140 episodes so far and every day I've got content coming out of my ears.
But it’s SO important to understand because sometimes it can be SO subtle!
So easy to miss.
But, to reiterate...it is NOT your fault.
I really want that to sink in for you as today's reframe.
In the moment you have no choice over the unconscious behaviour. BUT, if you can spot yourself going into a pattern. If you can make an unconscious behaviour or thought CONSCIOUS then you do have a choice.
It gives you your power back.
Resistance, procrastination and all the other glorious iterations of self sabotage is your brain and body’s way of literally saving you from dying.
Self sabotage is ultimately a positive intent but a negative outcome.
It’s unfortunate that’s the distinction it makes because it doesn’t distinguish between good, bad, right or wrong. It just cares about safety. And new isn’t safe.
Your version of safety will be different to the next person based on your own traumas and experiences.
Don’t confuse trauma with having to be a huge life changing horrific event.
Of course that IS trauma.
But so is being rejected by a friend when you’re 7 years old. So is being screamed at by a parent and being told you’re a burden. So is a physically painful experience. So is a teacher telling you you’ll never amount to anything.
Trauma is trauma at the end of the day. If it’s not dealt with it will come up in the future.
I’m living that right now, I mentioned it previously that something recently that I had NO idea was an issue...has been causing me BIG issues...I just wasn’t aware that was the root cause.
It’s all come from something I thought I had handled, or dealt with at the time.
News flash...I hadn’t!
It may be something in a completely different area of your life and it’s having an effect on your business.
EVERYTHING is connected.
All areas of your life.
Your health affects your business.
Your romantic relationships affect your business.
Your friendships affect your business.
Your relationship with your parents affects your business and it’s utterly and completely transformative to bring it to the surface.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy but it DOES mean that you peel off that extra layer of the onion and things get better, and better and better.
I promise I will reveal more about what I've been handling recently when the time is right. I know there are a lot of listeners who will relate to it so I only want to talk about it once I feel fully equipt! No leaving you guys high and dry from me!
Self sabotage at some point is inevitable.
It’s not to be ignored or suppressed because it will come back again and again and again. BUT, you can learn how to overcome it. To break the patterns and create new ones.
But it’s NOT your fault.
It’s not who you are.
But it WILL affect how easy it is for you to do what’s necessary to have what you want.
It will affect how consistent you are, how visible you allow yourself to be, how you show up for clients, how you get clients, how you spend your day, how frustrated you are, how quickly you grow.
Everything.
So what’s it gonna be?
Fx